therinforest

[contagious-watermelon]

it's kind of like insanely isolating that literally every aspec or "ace & aro" space I've found has been in actuality, solely for aces. perhaps arospec aces or aroaces who entirely prioritize their asexuality could also find company there, but even as an aromantic person who is also asexual, they're really not intended for me. so I can only imagine how isolating it must be if you're aromantic and allosexual

[cuckoo-on-a-string]

Ace folks are queer. Die mad.

There are still apparently folks (some with genuinely good intentions, some just looking to outrage farm) who don't get why asexual/aromantic folk belong in queer spaces.

I'm ace. So if you keep saying "Someone explain it to me!" here's your explanation, right from the source:

The queer community (at least in my part of the world, yours may be different) is for anyone who doesn't fit into 'standard' cis/hetero norms. Ace people are not attracted to the people we're 'supposed' to be. This often leads to very different values and lived experiences from cultural 'norms.'

It's a different experience than many other LGBTQ+ people have, yes. And it's easier to hide in straight spaces. But it's also easier to hide in straight spaces as a bisexual, cis woman than as a trans woman, or a lesbian woman, or any number of other things. Our camouflage options don't define us, just as they don't define you. You do not become a bush when you put on a ghillie suit. Is my experience different from yours? Probably. BOTH of our experiences may be different from a cis gay man's. That doesn't mean his experiences are invalid, unworthy of support, or not in need of protection.

Exclusionist takes stem from the same attitudes conservatives have about women's clothes. I'm not kidding (and I grew up in that space so @ me at your peril). If a conservative person lived in the 1920's, women shouldn't wear pants. Hardline view right there. But in the 70's and 80's jeans and trousers had become so normalized only the MOST conservative groups had any kind of opinion on them, and nowadays skirt-only groups are even rarer.

Exposure and experience made those garments cultural standards instead of something scary and new.

The same thing happens in all spaces, including queer culture.

Ace/aro folks aren't new to the planet, but we've only gotten any significant attention relatively recently. Because people may have to stop and consider out experiences instead of nodding along and going, "Yes, I know what gay generally means," the natural instinct is to push it away.

Challenge that instinct.

We're a community, not a clone factory. We're supposed to be celebrating diversity this month, not playing Mean Girls and defining our moral superiority by who we exclude.

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

i met with a good friend yesterday and it was really nice but something is bothering me and i wish it didnt.

so she has started to call herself a „queer feminist“. she kept talking about „queer“ this and „queer“ that and at some point talked about reading a „queer“ book. thats when i interjected and said what does queer mean? this tells me nothing. is it about a trans male experience, about a lesbian woman, this doesnt mean anything (turned out to be about a bisexual woman which is why she related which she probably wouldnt have if it was about a different type of „queer“ person). so i go on saying thats why i find the term useless. she says she finds it a useful umbrella term and i say umbrella for what? she says „what if for example a woman dates a nonbinary person?“ im like well it depends if the person is male or female since sexuality is still based on sex. what do i as a bisexual woman have in common with a straight man who thinks he‘s a woman? i dont see us as part of the same group. and while she wasnt able to explain the usefulness of the term she said she would keep using it. out of principle i guess.

and it frustrates me because she like many other women is an intelligent and reflected woman whose opinion matters to me but she seems to mindlessly parrot whats popular right now which makes me take her opinion on feminism a lot less serious. how are you a feminist but you think one can identify in and out of womanhood? who are womens rights for then? people who identify as women or people who are women? at the end of the day, if you think women can stop being women under certain conditions, i just dont know how you are helping the liberation of women.

i just cant take people seriously who earnestly use nothing terms like „queer“ and „nonbinary“ and who think me an extremist for not pretending the person we both know is a woman is a „nonbinary person“. it doesnt seem like she has thought about why its predominantly women identifying as nonbinary, and what background these people have (we live in a very liberal city and shes doing her masters in a program and at a university that is breathing queer theory). its like a virus, smart women suddenly regurgitating and internalising all this seemingly without ever considering the implications and consequences. and it creates a distance between women like my friend and i who definitely share a value system but i refuse to pretend and just accept.

she doesnt even know theres many lesbian, gay, bisexual and even trans people who dont consider themselves „queer“. „queer“ is its own community and NOT an umbrella term for same sex attracted or gender dysphoric people (who are already not a coherent group). depending who you ask, asexuals and intersex people are also included. which basically makes „queer“ another term for „different“ (which is its original meaning completely lost here because we are in germany and only use queer in this context).

and since we had debates in the past i already know where it will go when we talk about it. she considers me to be extreme anyways so we will start with her wanting to reject my opinion. it will end with her saying „i cant argue with that (my arguments) but i still disagree“ because its so scary to start questioning all that while youre in these super „queer“ environments.

[gay-fae]

some important things I have learned since realizing I’m queer (for both me and the whole community) :

-“gender identity ≠ gender expression” is true for ME too. I don’t have to feel insecure just because I don’t “dress” the way I identify. If I want to present a certain way it doesn’t contradict my identity.

-I’m genderfluid but never fully a man or fully a woman, and fluidity can mean more than just “switching” genders; it also means not feeling like I have to confine myself to certain norms because of my gender and I can encapsulate many energies at once

-aromanticism is not scary. there is nothing wrong or bad about it and there’s no reason to worry about “dying alone” or whatever. it’ll be okay

-labels are not rulebooks. they are just describing words that help us explain our identities to others and don’t always have to be super specific or have certain requirements. gender and sexuality are fluid and so are labels. just label how you feel comfortable as long as you don’t hurt anyone else!!

-asexuality doesn’t make me or anyone else unlovable

-same with aromanticism

-I can be aromantic and still have a great romantic relationship if I want

-at the end of the day, “not like other gays” culture will always be toxic and do more harm than good. who cares if that person likes a “cringey” show and wears a bunny hat. who cares if they like to wear unconventional clothes. who cares if they like to use a lot of microlabels. the idea that these people are ��making straight people hate us” or that we need to make ourselves palatable to non lgbtq people is such bullshit. stop it with the “I’d rather just be called a slur”. Stop it with the “nvm I’m not gay anymore I don’t want to be associated with them”. it’s shallow and immature, and mostly just hurtful to the people you call your community. embrace people with love instead of judgement.

-the new generation of queer people (myself included) needs to learn how to experience queer culture and life outside of the internet. for many of us it’s the only way we can experience it now so it’s important to be mindful that we do not only exist online and that most of the arguments you see online are trivial. meet queer people irl if you can. read and learn about and listen to older queer people. learn queer history. learn where things come from and why things are the way they are. again, learn to stop obsessing over labels!! queerness is more than just internet jokes; it’s a history about a fight for liberation. thank the queer people who came before you.

-there is no, and I mean NO, “wrong” way to be queer.

[qnewsau]

Finding Community and Support as a Queer person with a Disability

New Post has been published on https://qnews.com.au/finding-community-and-support-as-a-queer-person-with-a-disability/

Finding Community and Support as a Queer person with a Disability

“I had no capacity to communicate how severe my symptoms were and how much I needed help,” said Acacia Armstrong (@chrontiki), an LGBTIQA+ Disability advocate.

“Very few people ask how I am or offer help. Often, when I ask for help, I’m met with disbelief, criticism, and rejection.

“Eventually, I stop asking for help, and resentment grows. The people who actively support me represent hope for a brighter world.”

Challenges faced by LGBTIQA+ people with Disability

This struggle is often echoed by LGBTIQA+ people living with Disability, many of whom find it difficult to gain understanding and connection within a society that frequently overlooks their complex experiences.

Acacia has navigated the complexities of Neurodivergence and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) for over a decade.

In early 2023 she was diagnosed with Functional Disorder (FND), which includes intermittent leg paralysis.

Acacia is bisexual and sometimes asexual but exploring life beyond heterosexual relationships has been delayed by biphobia and ableism within the queer community.

Acacia’s relationship with her body has become a source of strength.

“Building that relationship with my body has been one of the most beautiful things about acquiring a Disability as a 29-year-old,” Acacia said.

“FND brought with it an unexpected gift. I have to strengthen my relationship with my body and brain to survive.

“With paralysis as the ultimate risk, a peaceful clarity came to me. I’ve never felt more loving of myself despite these symptoms. We disagree frequently, but ultimately, my body and I are a team.”

However, Acacia frequently encounters microaggressions, such as a recent incident at a pharmacy where a pharmacist questioned that someone so young needed joint pain medication.

These daily microaggressions are compounded with macroaggressions, like being discharged from hospital with paralysis and no care plan.

“Ongoing mistreatment by individuals and socio-political systems really breaks you,” she said.

Finding community and belonging

Acacia’s participation in the Our Voices Our Lives Our Way (OVOLOW) workshops in 2023 has helped transform a scary and isolating situation.

Co-designed by LGBTIQ+ people with Disability and developed by LGBTIQ+ Health Australia and the National Ethnic Disability Alliance, OVOLOW aims to build the capacity of LGBTIQA+ people with Disability to advocate for themselves and their communities by providing resources on topics such as understanding rights and the importance of intersectionality in advocacy.

For Acacia, these workshops provided a much-needed sense of community and belonging.

“It was a last-ditch hope for a community I could connect with. I felt so safe and welcomed,” she said.

The supportive environment of the workshops allowed Acacia to engage in a way that accommodated her needs, whether that meant napping or lying down with her eyes closed to reduce sensory input.

“Listening to other people’s stories reinforced that my advocacy is for those with shared experiences,” she said.

Building meaningful support systems

Looking forward, Acacia hopes the OVOLOW project will continue to highlight the diverse experiences of Queer Disabled people and foster difficult but necessary conversations.

“When you have excruciating pain every single day, you need a lot of stamina of heart and mind to keep going, and I don’t see a world where I maintain that without a community that actions love,” she said.

“Allyship is crucial when grounded in intersectionality and lived experience knowledges, but performative support is counterproductive and silencing.”

She emphasises the need to actively connect with people with Disability or chronic illnesses, by proactively checking in on their well-being and offering assistance without expecting them to carry the emotional burden.

“People with chronic illnesses or Disabilities can lead lives filled with joy and happiness despite their suffering,” she said.

“I’m currently experiencing excruciating symptoms on a daily basis, yet I’ve never been happier. If you witness Disabled Joy, don’t assume it doesn’t come with enduring challenges. Let it not be an excuse to neglect supporting vulnerable individuals in your life.”

Acacia’s advocacy highlights the need for a world where people with Disability are seen and supported, where their experiences are acknowledged without assumptions or judgments.

“The enduring belief that people with chronic illness and Disability can’t have a gorgeous life creates a world too apathetic to put love into action. I want people to believe a better world can exist, to listen, and move beyond conditional allyship.”

-To learn more about OVOLOW and access the online content, head to www.ourvoices.org.au and follow @ourvoicesourway on Instagram

For the latest LGBTIQA+ Sister Girl and Brother Boy news, entertainment, community stories in Australia, visit qnews.com.au. Check out our latest magazines or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.

[wahlpaper]

Every Heart a Doorway Review

Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire

CW: Transphobia, Deadnaming, Child Abandonment, Parent Death Mentioned, Mutilation/Blood, Death, Child Death, Skinning, Reanimation, Animal Cruelty, Swearing, Bullying, Medical Content, Disordered Eating

5/5

While I'm normally the person in my friend group to suggest books, occasionally a friend recommends one to me. This was the case for Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire. And they were absolutely right to do so! I took a while to get around to reading it, but I fell in love with it as soon as I did. It's an imaginative world of worlds with ace rep and neurodivergent coding. I'm relieved that it's the start of a series, as I didn't want to be done with it. If you're intrigued so far but not looking for a series, this novella definitely works as a stand-alone.

Every Heart a Doorway starts when Nancy is sent to a boarding school for Wayward Children. She has been through a doorway to a land of the dead, a land she felt at home in. Now she must learn alongside others like her, children who have been cast out of their world and are desperate to go back. Unfortunately, as soon as she starts making friends, people start being killed. Who will be next? Who is doing it? What's their motive? Will Nancy and the school survive long enough to benefit from what the Home for Wayward Children has to offer?

The premise of this story is a beautiful and exciting one. I love the idea that there are worlds out there perfectly suited for each person who isn't suited for Earth. This is where I sense the neurodivergent coding, aided by the author being autistic. All of the children we met felt at home in the world that they found. When they returned to the real world, they had spent so long unmasked that they couldn't stand the world they came back to. Their parents had a hard time with the returns as well. As an autistic person, it left me wondering what world would make me feel right. Perhaps one from scratch would do best, but I can't help thinking of Halloweentown from the Disney Channel Original Movie. 

Another aspect that made me love Every Heart a Doorway was the queer rep. McGuire included ace and trans rep in her novella. Nancy has a squish (platonic crush) on her classmate, Kade, who is trans. He was thrown out of his other world for it and disowned by his parents when he returned. The Home for Wayward Children took him in, though. He's not the most extroverted person, but he does immediately take to Nancy in return. Nancy is asexual and potentially on the aromantic spectrum. Her doorway world was affirming of this. Knowing that McGuire is demisexual made this representation all the more satisfying to me. I have read that the other books in the series have queer rep too. If it's anything like this, I'm looking forward to it! 

Every Heart a Doorway should be a horror novella, given the murder, mutilation, and description of some of the worlds, but it didn't come across that way to me. It's possible that my inability to imagine the gory scenes kept it from being as scary as it could be, but I don't think so. This school is for the children who want to go back to their worlds or at least want to remember them. Many of the worlds were dark, scary, or focused on the dead. The characters are comfortable with dead bodies, so it's easier for the reader to be as well. I appreciated this approach. It's not disrespectful to the dead, it honors them without turning them into a spectacle. The people at this school have a very different viewpoint than most humans, and that matters.

Seanan McGuire created a fantastical and dangerous world that offers hope and acceptance. If the idea of escaping into another realm or a boarding school for kids who have done so appeals to you, Every Heart a Doorway is the book for you. Treat the book as a doorway of its own!

[makingqueerhistory]

The people most affected by the “discourses” that cycle through the online queer community are those who only have access to queer connection online, which are often the most marginalized among us, ex. people in rural communities without access to in real life queer spaces, those living in countries where queerness is illegal or legal protections of the queer community are still being debated, people with no access to transportation without judgement, those in the closet.

This applies equally to both sides of the argument. Queer people being attacked online for being transgender, asexual, or aromantic will start believing that the queer community is just like that and might be scared off from essential resources because of this. At the same time, TERFs and aphobes who have been hyped up by their ilk for years online will enter real-life spaces and come to some harsh realizations.

This isn’t meant to imply that all online queer spaces are bad while all in real life queer spaces are perfect, there is toxicity everywhere, but in real life, TERFs and aphobes tend to show their true colours a lot faster. Their responses are a lot less convincing when they aren’t given time to craft them anonymously behind a computer screen. If someone has been radicalized for years online, facing the actual beauty and diversity of the queer community can be terrifying for many reasons.

For one, the people they agree with are a lot less agreeable, and the people they hate are just living their authentic live’s in peace most of the time. To be faced with that must be genuinely awful. Realizing you might be wrong about something you have harassed people over is difficult and scary.

Some people grow and learn. Some people react to that fear with more judgement and anger. That’s why you see so many young queer people repackaging fundamentalist Christian rhetoric in response to their first pride. Saying things like, people should be less sexual, cops are there to protect us, [fill in the blank] group is so cringey, is an obvious defence mechanism.

On the other side, there are people who have been bullied and attacked by other members of the queer community and won’t access services out of fear, increasing their isolation and removing important voices from our discussions.

Personally, I can say that as someone who was attacked for using the word queer and including asexual people in discussions, it skewed my perceptions of the queer community for a long time. Beyond that, it has made me withdraw from online communities now that I have other options, which probably isn’t an isolated impulse. Some of the more privileged among us have left these discussions because they can be so needlessly combative, making it seem like all there is is toxicity.

All this to say, this online “discourse” has and will have long-lasting effects on all the participants and on the queer community as a whole.

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen, and hello every butch reading this. I need your help.

I don't know where to begin, this has veen a problem for me for almost a decade now. I've followed you (Jen) for a few years now, and you're a very comforting figure to my brain, so I was hoping you and possibly others could help me out a bit. If not answers, then some good advice, open mindedness, patience, and possibly links to resources and helpful places. I've wanted to reach out to older butches and such about my issues with gender for a while, because I've flipped between a few and always have my mind coming back to butch in some form or another. Whether I act on it between each circle back or not, it stays.

I came out as some flavor of trans around 13, and then moved towards binary FtM around 14 or 15, which is when I met my first partner ever. I've had a ton of jumps back to being just kind of butch but in a weird middle butch state of not lesbian, not ftm, not anything but butch. I grew up in the midwest for 10 years (starting at 10,) and came out as a lesbian at 11 or 12. Regardless of how I was identifying in highschool, I was bullied and catcalled as a lesbian my whole childhood, seen as a d/ke, called it, I got the worst of it all, had girls try to kick my ass and dudes try to "turn me." I hung out with the fem cishet alt girls half my height and half my weight, carried them around, I was the ugly tall bitch that protected them. Had a wicked shaved head, wearing mens clothes handmedown, mens boots, brought a swiss army knife everywhere and my own wallet and housekeys. Getting pencils thrown at my head, smoking weed in the girls room, forced to change in the gender neutral stall for gym cause the school didnt know what to do with me. Guys would honk as they went past and shout dyke at me, so I started trying to blend in with highlighter shirts and jeans etc. Typical midwestern shit. I feel that despite now living as a man, i had the lived experience since a very young age (even before moving to the midwest,) of a butch. I am now fully living life as a cis man, stealth, and dating an amazing queer trans dude whose possibly genderfluid, and also very fem. He also identified as a lesbian for a long time and experienced a lot of toxicity there, and was nonbinary in his past, and I met him when he was agender and queer. He's amazing, I'm going to marry him, and he's everything I love in a partner. Feminine, went to cosmetology school, pretty nails, chubby, likes to bake and shop and wants to cook me steak, wants me to carry his stuff and his groceries, calls me his scary dog privleges, wants to scratch my sideshave. He realized he was trans and came out after we met, and I've been his biggest support against everything else, and I always will be. I love him, I'm attracted to him and he's the only person i ever have been. So I dont think I qualify anymore as a butch, despite using the term and being a butch for so many years. I was a butch, I still feel it even if I'm not really into many people at all including women (also on the aro/ace spectrum haha), but now I'm a man, I have a beard, I have a boyfriend I will never leave, who knows how I feel and loves me and we both know no matter where we end up gender wise or sexuality wise that pretty much me and him are it, and if it contradicts, who gives a shit, yknow?

My dating history has always been feminine nbs, feminine trans boys, and femme lesbians. I have never dated a masculine cis man, masculine nb, anyone masculine at all. For lack of better terms due to my situation, I have always been butxh4femme and at least masc4fem. I have always been the guardian and gentle giant of my fem partners, I also am mostly a stone butch due to sexual trauma and asexuality. Due to my aroace-ness, I've also hardly dated literally anyone lmao! Maybe 3 people longterm and seriously in my entire 21 years. This is getting really long, and I'll be honest, I've been yelled out of all communities I've been in for being so damn complicated. I'm scared I'll hurt mt partner and he'll feel I don't see him as he is, I'm scared I'll hurt lesbians despite living and growing as one most of my life, I'm scared I'll hurt me by identifying as butch because I feel like I'll have to detransition. I also kinda look fuck ugly without a beard nowadays, cause lord knows I've shaved that shit fullon twice now because of this exact issue.

I want to be called sir, and I love being on T. I hate getting a period, and my bottom dysphoria is agonizing, but I probably wont get bottom surgery. I want to not be catcalled. I want to get top surgery eventually, and maybe I don't want a full beard. I wanna cut all the sleeves off my shirts again and get some sexy workboots and jeans. I know I want my pretty femboy boyfriend on my arm forever, I don't care how he ends up identifying or me either, and to see him wear his dress on our wedding day. I want to be butch but still be seen as a man, but I don't think I'm allowed because so many people have shit on me for it and said I'm not. But I still wear my keys on my belt. I still lift the heavy shit, emotionally or physically, every day for him. I still do my role, I still protect the people around me. But I don't want people to look at me when I say butch and assume me or my boy are women, out of respect for him and me too.

Advice needed, please, anybody that's willing to help me and help me find my path. It's been so back and fourth so long. Thank you.

- R

i am sorry for taking so long. Fall is a very busy season with all my jobs ramping up and getting ready for winter on the homestead.

Your writing was a lot to absorb and I admit I read it several times and had to come back because it weighed on my emotions and heart heavily. I was driving tractor last night so I had lot of thinking time. I went over in my head how you much feel, how I could possibly answer this with any coherant advice or even just some comforting words.

You are only 21, my advice if you were my child (i have 3--25 year olds, a 22 year old and a 16 yo), would be to slow your roll. 3 serious relationships by 21 is a lot. At a time when we are sort of socially and mentally programmed to be free and using our energy to exlplore our individuality you were putting efforts into maintaining viable relationships with other people who were probably also trying to figure themselves out. I was 23 before I even had one serious relationship and i was probably still NOT ready for it.

When we never live a single life or a life on our own it becomes hard to separate who we are from our partner. It is normal to bounce off of each other and to both want badly to share the same values, identity and interestes EVEN if as individuals those things might never have lined up.

I am NOT a therapist nor can I possibly know you or your exact feelings, I can only go by what you told me. When I am asked for advice I am honest but kind, go from my experiences and or those stories I have been told by friends. Sometimes what I say is NOT what you want or expected to hear. That is okay. You can take what I say or leave it. Or use what helps, ignore what doesn't . So here it goes.

My point about you both meeting young,and thus relying on each other to work on your individuality comes into play here. You are both, I am guessing around 21. Neither of you have had any time to forge exactly who you are. Stastically what are the chances of two women who both lived as a lesbian meeting after you transitioned  and the partner ALSO being trans but not coming out until AFTER the fact. Until after the relationship has progessed.? Speaking in terms of how many trans people are in the population that feels like quite a statistical anomally. What are the chances? Now I suck and math and I know the percentage of any given population in the LGBT+  community as compared to greater society seems sketchy, based on shitty research and at best a bad guess. It just gives me a bit of pause and might give you some food for thought, a chance to think over outside influence vs life long dysphoia or other factors. 

 I preface this by saying I can in no way know you or your partner or pasts or any actual feelings, only what you have told me. I appreciate your stark honesty and your willingness to admit you are struggling. Reaching out is hard even as an anon. Is it in any way possible your partner was influenced heavily by wanting badly to share your life, your values, to feel more inline with you and to feel more close to you and to solidify the relationship in a space that she perceives as more comfortable to you. OR perhaps even your friend group?  

You talk aboout pressure from all sides to be this or be that and if you are a trans man I am sure she was getting not too subtle pressure to not use lesbian even though she was maybe just fine with that, it felt right. There is a vicious push from inside the house to tell people how to describe their sexuality and relationship when it is no one’s business. Others feel uncomfortable when two people live their lives as they see fit and don’t rely on how people perceive them to be happy. It makes some people nuts  in fact. 

To your concern about detransitioning or not or what makes you happy. I know detransitioners and they slide just fine back into the lesbian community they used to have or they have found their own new lesbians friend group. It is not impossible. At many events I have been to in my life, women’s festivals included, there were tans men there who lived soley as men outside the protective walls of women spaces but were happy to be seen as women within the safety of the limited time and space of the event. You can find community among lesbian no matter how you land, it just takes a little bravery and ultimately being okay with yourself. 

I am not going to tell you it is easy no matter the path you choose. Reidentifying as a woman with a full beard and staying on T is never going to be as easy as just saying “I am THIS “. You would have to spend time coming back out, explaining etc until such a time you formed a community who knows you and understands your past. 

Everything you described that you love is everything I love about being butch, I am short, 5′3 so I didn’t experience some things like you have as tall woman in high school, BUT I was definitely clocked as a lesbian even with great effort to be seen has just wearing “typical midwestern shit”. My entire wardrobe was T shirts, sweatshirts, jeand and tennis shoes. I gave up my beloved cowboy boots because others said they made me “look even more like a boy” and in the 1980′s I tranlated that to “butch lesbian” even if I did not have those words. I knew damn well what they were inferring.  

I also know lesbians who take T and remain in the lesbian community, they just feel they need to pass more as men in the larger world for their peace of mind, safety, job, whatever. So deciding that lesbian and butch is right for you does not mean you can’t continue to utilize tools that help you to feel okay. 

This is getting a bit long and I will admit I am unendingly biased, I have never denied that and don’t hide the fact that I think being a butch lesbian is wonderful. GIven all the factors and insecurities you have shared with me being a butch seems like the path of least resistance. Cutting back on T, not constantly worrying about “am I or am I not” and getting back to the basics of what you seemed to understand as you were coming out, before there was transitioning on your table. EVEN in the face of bullying and knowing being a lesbian was not desirable to the outside world you could not escape it and you came out. Perhaps because when you can’t escape you meet something head on and embrace it since that pulls power from the outsiders. 

When you and your partner are alone, away from all others. In the safety of you bed, talking softly and about your day or your plans tomorrow, the world gets no say. You both know that is true in your hearts and please don’t let those in the world, in our own community poison that with pressure and accusations. DO NOT give them control of  your heart, of your love. 

Best of luck and butch hugs to you.

[ashenpages]

Current Projects & Emoji Voting Key

Quick disclaimer: I’m a romance writer in all aspects of the term, so most of my works will contain mature content. Engage at your own risk, you know the rules, you’re responsible for curating your own experience of the internet, blah blah blah.

This post serves as a current mock up of fic ideas I’m either actively working on or considering working on next. You can drop me an ask about any of them, or just vote via the emoji combo I’ve assigned them.

Voting lets me know you’re excited about an idea and makes it more likely I’ll actually work on it. You can vote anytime, there’re no deadlines or winner announcements, just me gauging your interest by what I see in my ask box most often.

You can also ask me about the original stuff I’m working on currently. The current WIPs are Medusa centric and the emoji for them is: 🐍

Support my original work on Ko-fi and Patreon.

- Lupin: 🤑🤠💍  These are all oneshot ideas, between 5-15K each. If you want to vote for a specific idea, send me the emojis and the number of the idea.

Born from the idea that Goemon and Zenigata probably couldn’t be an item, my brain decided to come up with how I could write for them. Goemon’s teaching an ikebana class as part of his training, and Zenigata shows up as a student on forced recreational leave for his health from the ICPO. Zenigata wins the samurai’s heart through flowers. But what happens when Lupin and Jigen find out? (Only good sexy things, I promise. These beans are in a healthy polycule--be gay, do crimes) (WIP)

Jigen/Lupin, but it's Jigen deciding to seduce Lupin while wearing his own Lupin disguise. The thief is waaaaay too into it, and some artistry is taken with the sex so that they don't mess up the disguise too much during their encoutner.

Jigen/Zenigata/Lupin where Jigen has some fantasices about Zenigata, but is pretty sure they'll never happen. Tells Lupin about them. Suddenly the fantasies are coming true, in the middle of a heist, and Jigen doesn't what to do except get swept up in the moment and enjoy. Plot twist, it's Lupin dressed up as Zenigata granting all his gunman's dreams. Plot twist again, Zenigata catches them at it.

Zenigata/Lupin, where Lupin keeps doing good things in illegal ways and Pops has to find a way to punish him for it. Good thing for Pops Lupin's a masochist?

Trans!Lupin and Trans!Jigen premise: Jigen cares for Lupin after the master thief has top surgery, since Jigen has Been There and Done That. Caring, sweet, and a little sexy. Lupin is a much better patient than Jigen.

The one time Zenigata caught Lupin in an alley and kissed him and it was Jigen in disguise. Things get sexy anyway, and Zenigata has crushes on two thieves now. Lupin and Jigen "kidnap" him later for an evening of taking care of their inspector.

The background plot of Jigen's Gravestone where we see Jigen think he's done for and try to leave Lupin. Our thief has none of it, and we get to relish in the inherent eroticism of Lupin sitting in sniper fire, knowing Jigen's got his back. This is the moment I think Jigen finally believes he can be with Lupin forever.

I love the idea of something longer and more plot driven like a Lupin special where Lupin ends up in hot water and Jigen and Fujiko have to work together to save him. Jigen and Fujiko have such an interesting relationship. They're both partners of Lupin, they don't really like each other, they constantly screw the other over, but when it really matters they take care of each other. I'd like to see that highlighted a little more and also give them space to call each other out and bicker. Nothing sexy between them, but maybe a really interesting threesome with Lupin and Fujiko in a strap on once they save their boy.

- Sonic Vampire Novelist Coffee Shop AU: 📚☕💐

Shadow is an immortal vampire who has seen the world change for the worse too many times. These days it feels like he only lives for his coffee dates with Rouge, another immortal who loves each new era they encounter, warts and all. He has to admit that the book series she got him into speaks to him, at least. If someone in this era can understand him without meeting him, it can’t all be bad. But he hardly expected the goofy blue barista at the new coffee place to understand him the way those books do.

This is a novel length romcom romp with some big feelings about what it means to watch as things change, grow, and die. Expect lots of Big gothic feelings from this one, emotionally charged kissing, and overly-adoring sex. But also expect shenanigans from everyone in the coffee shop, which include Rouge, Amy, Tails, Knuckles, Cream, and more.

- Sonic Blazamy, "Like the Sun": 💖🌸💎

Amy Rose has been in love with Sonic for a while.

Or has she?

When the Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, and Silver are trapped as the fuel sources for Doctor Eggman’s newest evil scheme, Amy teams up with Blaze, Rouge, and Cream to save them. With Sonic out of the picture and Amy fulfilling his role, was she ever really in love with him? Or did she just want to be like him?

This is a novel length epic romance with lots of competent women and lots of romantic Blazamy content. Expect flowery hopes and dreams, badass self-actualization, and glancing hand touches that give way to cuddly and sweet sex.

- Persona 5: 🗡🍛☕

After bringing down the Metaverse twice, Ryuji didn’t think graduating high school and figuring out what to do with his life would be so hard. Akira’s back in town, and the gang’s more-or-less all in Tokyo, but everyone else seems to have a plan while Ryuji just floats. How’s he supposed to change the world when he’s not a phantom thief anymore?

This is a novel length fic that addresses how powerless one can feel being just one person in the face of all the corrupted systems and bigotry the world has to offer. It’s about holding on to what you believe in, working through the doubt, and fighting your way to a better tomorrow with the power you do have. The whole gang is queer, featured relationships being Mako x Ann, Ryuji x Akira, Futaba & Yusuke as platonic life partners. Akira is polyamorous and omnisexual, Futaba’s asexual and aromantic while Yusuke is demisexual and very romantic, Makoto’s a lesbian, Ann and Ryuji are bi, and Haru’s pansexual, demisexual, and aromantic. They’re one giant band of queer Phantom Thieves, and even if they’re not really doing the Metaverse thing anymore, they’re still gonna save the world!

Also, I’m gonna make Makoto not a cop. That super didn’t age well. Zenkichi and his boss can work on making them better/abolishing them for other better organizations.

- Hades Game: ❤️‍🔥💀

Oneshot. I just really need to elaborate on the threesome you can have with them in-game, okay? Healthy and canon poly relationships are so few and far between, so often I have to do a ton of groundwork to explain why it’s working in the fic, but NOT WITH THESE KIDS!

Get ready for Meg helping Zag and Than be better at expressing their feelings, lots of kissing, and probably pegging.

- Castlevania Animation Trevor/Sypha/Alucard: 🧛🏰🛌

Castlevania gave Alucard a threesome last season, and I just really need S4 to give me him being taken care of by his partners. They’re probably not going to give it to me, so I’ll need to do it myself. This is just an everybody loves Alucard oneshot, with the gang’s signature banter (to an extent), Sypha being sexy, and Trever being remarkably sincere. This fic is gonna feel like that Ann Hathaway picture with Trevor kissing Alucard and Sypha holding the end of Trevor’s whip while she leans her head on Alucard’s shoulder adoringly.

- Devil May Cry Nico/Lady/Trish: 💋✨😈

Nico’s gay, okay? Like really, really gay. And Lady’s bi and not into men who make her pay bills, but very into women who make amazing guns for her and demonesses with hearts who fight by her side. Trish is ace, but loves people and is pretty attached to Lady at this point. Plus it’s cute when Lady blushes and says nice things like they’re insults. I don’t have super solid ideas for them yet, and I envision these more like a polycule where Lady’s with Nico and with Trish but they’re not with each other more than seeing it as a threesome, but who knows what might happen. This is probably 1-2 oneshots depending on ideas, but might turn into a series of oneshots if people are interested (or I can’t control myself and inspiration strikes).

- Post FMA:B Blind Roy & No Alchemy Ed: 👀👑🙏

This is actually an old novel-length fic I wrote ages ago and didn’t post that didn’t turn out well because I was new to writing sex when I first wrote it. The plot is good, and is all about Roy learning to work with his blindness to reclaim his ambition of being Fuhrer and changing the system to something that actually cares for its people. He and Ed reconnect, fall into bed, and both set about working through their respective traumas about being “useless” having lost their sight/alchemy. They go to Xing as an ambassadorial party to offer Amestris’s collaboration on Al and May’s Alkahestry experiments--and uncover a plot that might threaten both kingdoms.

- Age of Calamity continuity Mipha x Revali: 🦚🐟💘

The first time Revali noticed Mipha, it was in the heat of battle. She stole his mark, taking them down with a flurry of quick blows from her spear. Violence rained from her like water--and then she healed him on her way to her next battle. No questions, no conditions, just pure kindness. The usual need to measure himself against those around him was quiet in her wake. And Revali couldn’t understand it. But how to get to know more about her? A fish and bird may fall in love, but where would they live?

This fic could be a oneshot or novel length depending on how far down the hole I fall. I need it to cover time, but it could be done in linked vignettes or with actually covering events in detail. I may elect to do a oneshot just to get it done and out of my system faster. So much fic to write, so little time.

Expect trans!Revali, polyamorous Zoras, scary competent Mipha, songbird Revali, love confessions that are made up entirely of berating Link for not loving Mipha the way she wants him to, and breaking these characters a little outside of their assigned roles in BotW and Age of Calamity. Background Link x Zelda, and Urbosa x Zelda’s Mom.

- Epic desert romance about Urbosa and Zelda’s mom: 🏜🏝⚡

I just think Urbosa should kiss women and Zelda’s mom should get more development and maybe a name or something. Also, lightning imagery/metaphors/play.

It also went way over my head that Riju wasn’t Urbosa’s daughter the first time I played BotW, so now I want to write about the Gerudo queen who refused to produce an heir. The Gerudo are fascinating and have a very interesting cutlure, but I think it could be examined from a nonbinary perspective that rejected pregnancy and wanting to find a husband. Not in like a hateful way, but in a way that examines if that’s really right for everyone. There’s that shop in town that sells Voe armor, after all. Maybe finding a husband and having children isn’t something you have to do if you don’t want to. And Urbosa really doesn’t want to.

[ailuronymy]

I doubt you'll remember this, because it happened such a long time ago, but it's been bothering me for years now and I wanted to get some closure on it. Many years ago, when I was 14, pretty new to roleplaying and completely new to Tumblr, I sent you an anonymous ask laughing about ridiculous unrealistic things that people were having their cats do in a roleplay I was in. Building blanket forts, among other things, and being transgender. At this point in my life I thought transgender only meant someone who had undergone gender affirmation surgery, and the idea of cats doing surgery on one another was hilarious to me. I shared it with the hope that other people would find it hilarious too. Instead, you told me that I had said The Wrong Thing and called me a bigot. I was confused, I was horrified, I didn't understand at all, and I more or less fled from tumblr for about two years. It was a formative experience for me.

Hello there. I do actually remember that post, although obviously since you were anon then as well, I didn’t remember you specifically. But I do remember. 

I thought about how to answer this ask for a few days. I’m not sure exactly what it is you’re looking for from me, but I’m going to give you the best reply I can and I hope that’s good enough for the both of us. 

When you wrote in to me, about eight years ago, I was younger than you are now. I was nineteen and I’d only been on tumblr for a bit over a year at that point, I think. I’d never had social media before, of any kind. It was all pretty new to me as an experience too, and I’d never expected this blog to get the attention that it did. I never even imagined that was a possibility. But it happened and I learned how to run a relatively popular ask blog on the job, as it were. 

There’s a lot I regret when I look back on that early era of this blog. The humour and jokes I allowed and sometimes encouraged and said myself here was often not kind, and that’s something I really regret. Eventually, I put an end to that because it just wasn’t the kind of thing I wanted any of us who have fun here to be doing. But I absolutely allowed it to happen for a long time first, and that’s on me. 

Also at that same time, there was a particular way of interacting on tumblr that was very popular. It was a lot of exuberance and hyperbole and insults, and being rude for fun, and overall very over-the-top and often harsh or just plain uncaring that there was someone else at the other end of the message. For everyone who was here in 2012, I think you can probably remember what it was like. It wasn’t a nice mode of communication, but it was popular and got great responses and a lot of people found it fun to read. For a couple of years after I started Ailuronymy, I was absolutely guilty of buying into it and acting this way, until I finally hated it enough to stop. It wasn’t who I wanted to be, in general or on this blog specifically. It felt mean and inauthentic and I wanted to be better. But I did act like that for a long time, and that was a choice I made. 

I’m not saying any of this because I want to make excuses for myself. I’m more aware than anyone else of the problems early on in this blog’s history, and it’s something I regret and wish I could go back to do differently with the knowledge and experience I have now. Unfortunately, I can’t change the past. I can only own up to it and do better going forward. 

I’m sorry for the tone I often used, including to you in that post, and I’m sorry that because of that behaviour, you felt scared and unwelcome here. That’s a failure on my part. I shouldn’t have used the tone I did, or assumed I had to take a defensive, intense stance the way I did. It’s very sad to me to know that because I did that, you were frightened and decided to leave. 

However, I would like to share my context too. Because at the time, I was nineteen years old (which I know probably sounds ancient to younger teens, but it’s not, really), and a bisexual guy (which I still am, obviously), and Ailuronymy was already a place that people (especially queer people) in the fandom were looking to for support and education. Insofar as this blog was developing a niche, that was it. I felt a significant amount of responsibility to champion and defend the people this blog was made for. 

2012 was also a time when the Warriors fandom on tumblr was genuinely very homophobic, and also quite volatile. It was common for people to be very angry (in general, and often at me) for saying that ableism isn’t okay, or that Warriors characters can be trans, or sometimes just “canon naming doesn’t make much sense.” I got quite a lot of hate mail--also sometimes just... confused, angry mail, for this naming system or any of the political things I talked about--and I was doing the best I could with what I had to give. A lot of what I learned during my years of running this blog came from making mistakes, but I always did my best.

The reason I’m bringing this up is because what you actually said was: “these cats can be homosexual, asexual, bisexual, pansexual, and transgender--don’t even ask me how that’s possible. I don’t want to know.” You came to me, a queer man, running a blog that in no small part is about how queerness is allowed to exist in this fandom and is in fact not implausible, during a time when the fandom as a whole was solidly anti-queer, with something like that. Like you said, you shared it with me--and the readers here--because you hoped we would find it hilarious and unrealistic too. 

But I didn’t, because, to me, that’s just what a lot of the fandom already was. It was a hostile environment that regularly argued that queer characters, or people, had no place here. That was the kind of things people on anon fairly often came to yell in my inbox about how I’m wrong, etc. etc., and how I’m bad, etc. etc. 

I reacted defensively, which I wouldn’t do now, because I’m much older, and I have experience and confidence I just didn’t then. At the time, though, what I heard in your ask was “queer characters are absurd and don’t belong here, don’t correct me,” and that is what I reacted to. I’m sure for you, it felt scary and disproportionate, and as I said before, I wish I had handled things differently, and gentler. 

But I don’t disagree with what I said. The points I made weren’t wrong. And my response--although not how I would respond now--was not wrong, even though it hurt you. It genuinely is horrible to know that because of my lack of tact, you were scared. It was also horrible to receive your ask at the time, just like many of the rest. It wasn’t hypothetical to me, because I’m queer. It was about me, and other people I care about very much.

The fact I’m queer is probably news to you, and you were new tumblr and probably didn’t know what was going on in the fandom, and maybe you would have said something different if you knew all this. 

Likewise, though, you were on anon and I didn’t know who you were. I didn’t know you were fourteen. I didn’t know you were asking in good faith, and not just another one of the homophobic fans thinking you’d found a friend in me, which frankly felt a bit insulting. I didn’t know you were and, again, although I wish I did more back then and was kinder in my approach, I didn’t have insight into your intentions. I also didn’t have the maturity for that not to matter.

That said, even in my very imperfect answer I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. I specifically said:

“Before you think I’m victimising you - I’m not. This is not personal right now; currently, this is a mistake on your part, and I understand that mistakes are incredibly easy to make. If, by the end of my post, you get where you went wrong here, then it will be like this ask of yours never happened and I will forget you ever said it. I don’t like to hold any kind of grudge if there’s any way to avoid it, and an acknowledgement of where you went wrong here would completely fix everything about this.”

&

“So what you’re saying when you say that you don’t believe that “homosexual, asexual, bisexual, pansexual, and transgender” cats are possible in the context of Warriors is, basically, that you’re a bigot. I am really sorry to say that, because the chances are - I sincerely hope - that you aren’t. You’re a good person. You’re a good person who said something bigoted by mistake. And if you don’t believe what you’ve said is a mistake yet, let me show you some interesting true facts about our world.“

Because I know how easy it is to make mistakes and how hard it is to get everything right all the time, and know everything, and never do something dumb or hurtful. It’s easy to fuck up. I’ve done it a lot. The answer I gave you back then is just one example.

That what you took from my answer was only fear and confusion isn’t something in my control, however. I hate that that’s what happened, and I regret not being who I am now back then, but even though I did fuck up back then, I still did what I could at the time to mitigate the damage and reassure you that a mistake doesn’t define you. I am sorry it wasn’t enough for you to feel okay coming back. But I can’t say I’m sorry for telling you that coming to me on my blog with that kind of mentality is something I’ll tolerate at all. 

Ultimately, I’m sorry that our experience of each other was not a good one. I’m sorry that your memory of me is someone scary and mean, and that you felt you had to leave this site entirely for two years because of it. I regret that my actions left you with such a negative experience, because that was never my intention, even though the way I handled things with you was very poor. 

I hope you’re able to find the closure you’re looking for and I genuinely wish you all the best. 

[thoughtsdying]

The procces of realising you’re aroace: a tale by me version 2

Realising you’re aroace is suddenly comprehending why your few friends (with one exception) have always turned out to be in the queer community at the end. Like. That fenomenum of “queer radar only you don’t realise it’s there and you end up gravitating together anyway?” yup- It happens too. Only most of the time you think you’re an allied cis-het weirdo who cares too much about something that doesn’t have anything to do with you, and who cares if you feel weird when other people assume you’re hetero (or that you have a orientation at all), you sure aren’t attracked to your same gender either. Nor are any kind of trans.

And then you discover asexuality in your late teens and it feels weirdly near you, but you think you’re trying to make it so you’re special, so you dismiss any ace feels as you being a late bloomer, and only take care of including it in discussions about queer issues, and then you feel strangely hurt when a professor dismisses it as “some self descriptor weird lonely japanese men in their 40′s created who only care for 2D” which. You don’t have to tell me all the problems in that sentence. Believe me, I know. And you can’t come with arguments except well if people feel like using it, then we should respect it, bc you don’t have the words to explain asexuality except that internet in english told you it was a thing and you still don’t know except in a nebulous way what even is aromanticism, so you didn’t bring that up in the discussion at all.

And a pair of years after that you start using demisexual bc it feels less scary and very reasonable except you’ve never felt attracted to anyone, how do you even tell it? And relationships scare you, and you still don’t have any idea of what is aromanticism except it scares you and you don’t want to contemplate a life being aro. You love romances after all

(except when you have to look the other way in any kind of profound kiss, bc it’s private people, which makes you feel wiedly homophobic when you’re watching a lgbtq+ media or your best friend with her girlfriend even if it’s the same with hetero, except then it’s just that sex is weird in film and kisses with tongue are still private people!)

and obviously you still don’t want to have sex with a girl (Except perhaps those emotional dreams of touching with a friend that aren’t sex but almlost and are very comfortable anyways it could be nice you’re sure but nice isn’t desire is it?) so even although guys make you nervous and any thought of doing anything romantic-sexual with one is a “yikes” you suppose you find some really pretty in a different way you do with woman and that must be ~attraction~.

And a friend tells you that a guy tried to sound her to see if he could date you and she told him you were ace and uninterested in any kind of relationship, and you go “why?” confused and a bit elated bc holy shit what a relief you won’t have to confront him, but also a bit of panic (that’s how i come across? it isn’t my imagination, im so obvious oh no) and she tells you, “well you are almost one and you don’t have any intention of dating anybody right now so i thought it best to cut any feels on his part right now”. And it gives you things to think about.

And another two years pass except this time you’ve started to educate yourself on aromanticism bc too many relatable posts on tumblr looking into the ace tag made you “holy shit yeah this makes more sense than just asexuality” but also you keep loving romance stories except now you’ve started to recognize you’re starved of friendship in all the ambits of your live and you’re also a young adult who still doesn’t want a relationship, what do i do? And maybe you’re not demi, you’re ace and you can think sex sounds a nice activity to do with intimate friends (aro aro aro) but not something you’re into, and you’re still ace, you’re not attracted to anybody not really. What a relief. (you still can’t try on the aro umbrella)

And you question yourself bc a fantastic guy has become your friend, and your minds vibe inmensely well, and you talk during quearentine, but he gives you some weird vibes sometimes, and makes you gifts which you ignore bc holy shit a best friend! And he has money and he’s lonely! I would also give gifts to my besties if I had money! And then he confesses to you on wassap, and you realise he has put you on a pedestal and has cofessed but already said himself he doesn’t want a relationship with you bc he would corrupt you or something and anyway, he’s not really in love with you he’s using you as a mental crutch to try to not be depressed, he knows that noe but he hates psycologists. Also, can i have some time apart from you?

So you tell him you feel flattered but that you see him as only a friend, and please can you not put yourself so below me? Search professional help. I’ll stay away as long as you need.

And you start feeling uneasy, but you think it’s only that he’s a weirdo and really you’ve dodged a bullet of course you wouldn’t want to go out with him, he’s not really the kind of pretty you like. Except if you’re ace what does it matter? Isn’t it that you feel pretty repulsed by trying a romantic relationship? Or are you just justifying your own aloofness and personality problems that make impossibly difficult to try a romance anyway. People don’t control who they feel romantic feels for anyway.

Except in the following months when you’ve finally reaturned to be friends you’re so relieved to not have that shadow above you and really wouldn’t it be amazing if everybody knew you didn’t want anything to do with them romantically? To be free to be friends and hug them, and walk arm in arm or go to lunch and cinema and still be just friends? To plan your future in a line along with those friends but not be really a committement as much as you just want to enjoy talking face to face with them for a bit longer.

So you go back to read about aromanticism and maybe you cry a little but mostly you’re pretty happy and scared about it. And you tell that friend, bc he’s your bestie right now and you feel him being bi and also being interested in you in the past would make him more likely to react well. It’s not personal it’s just the way I am. And then you start crying in the middle of a starbucks for 15 min. and you didn’t now you feel so much so intensely about being aroace, and how it had impacted you without knowing and how much you hate those expectations. And he hugs you and tells you “nobody has the right to tell you how to live. if you feel like you’re never gonna be in a relationship that’s your business and you’ll be happy anyway” and you cry harder. And then you both have a sincere conversation about sex as he has experimented it and how you feel it pretty strange and weird, but maybe you’d like to try it sometime. Just not a time near now. And if it’s never that’s pretty okey with you too.

So you go home feeling a bit embarrased but also pretty elated except a week later there’s another wassap message from him, saying he feels he still loves you, and that he understands intelectually your nearness with him is friendly but still feels romantic and it confuses me and it pains me and i would prefer to not be your friend anymore, sorry, men are shit and me the worst of them.

“Ok” I write back. I’m furious and hurt and I don’t want to see his liar face anymore. So fuck you, I think. “Thanks for telling me” And I block his number and I don’t talk to him when we met with out mutual friends, and when it’s necessary I talk as if he were a stranger. Kindly but impersonal. Isn’t that what you wanted? To lost a friend? So you’ve lost me forever.

And it became clear to me that I don’t think I’ll ever understand the stupidity of not wanting to see someone just because their lives don’t revolve around you the way you like, even though you’re friends and you can talk to them about anything at all anyway, and be there for help with the shitty parts of life. There are things I’ll never felt or do for another. 

And I’m ok with that.

[skyler10fic]

Top 10 of the 2010s

I was tagged by @jemsauce and mentioned by @joi-in-the-tardis so that counts too. haha

1. Finding this community here! I love all of you, and I’ve loved getting to host the Fandom Guide, help with prompt blogs and rec blogs, lead and participate in fandom events, meet up irl, write and read each other’s work, spend our Sleepover Weekends together, encourage and lift up each other, celebrate the first female Doctor and introduce each other to new fandoms, expand our horizons into new art forms and tropes and challenges, stick together through hard times and outlast those causing drama, to help each other find queer labels that fit and get help for mental illness and be prepared for job interviews and find apartments and get through loss and sickness and failure but also celebrate the happiest days of our lives. 

2. Discovering asexuality and aromanticism, and that this queer community is big enough for all of us. I am not broken. I am not alone. I don’t have to force myself into heteronormative boxes. I am not less than human or failing or ungrateful or unrealistic. I am aro ace. And that’s something to have Pride in. 

3. Not including summer semesters in the UK and Washington DC, I have moved four times: from Texas to Alabama back to Texas (briefly) then to Chicagoland to California. 

4. I’ve fought mental illness, sometimes not so bad and sometimes I didn’t know how I was going to make it or why or if it was worth fighting. But I’m still here. 

5. I learned to love living alone, but I also learned that I’m an extrovert, and those two together mean I have to be careful about how I live my life and when I am restfully alone and when I’m self-isolating due to #4.

6.  In 2009 I was convinced by my church community that I needed to give up reading fanfic, and while that was a good decision for my grades in the second half of college, and I did still read some and write in private, it took getting out on my own after graduation and getting into Doctor Who to get me to start publishing my own writing. I want to expand into writing about asexuality now, but that’s so personal, so it feels vulnerable. 

7. I went through a mystery illness that I seem to be managing ok with medicine, but it was scary trying to get that figured out. I still don’t have a name for it, so every time I have to go to a new doctor, which I will have to do soon, it is nerve-wracking to have to hope they listen to my long story and renew my prescriptions. (Unrelated: soon after that I had knee surgery, which then led to having a lot of time on my hands, which led to watching Doctor Who on Netflix!)

8. I got to see so many wonderful places, not just where I moved to but Italy, France, the UK, Germany, Switzerland, and all over the US. I want to see more places over the next decade, but I’m also so grateful for the privilege of travel. 

9. I went from being scared to go to places alone (for fear of being seen as pathetic or awkward) to being confident going places alone, even navigating public transportation when my anxiety disorder keeps me from driving. 

10. I learned that it’s ok to not like things and to have preferences and to not have to please everyone. I still want to be liked and to do what I can to make things a win-win, but it’s ok to not go along with everything just to keep the peace! People respect those with a backbone, and healthy people genuinely want to know your boundaries so you can stay in a good relationship with them. It’s also true that conflict is inevitable, but it’s not the end of the world, and sometimes people will be on your side and can help find a solution if you’re willing to be uncomfortable and have the hard conversations. 

I’m tagging @paigenotblank @onthedriftinthetardis @chiaroscuroverse @perfectlyrose @kelkat9 @melusine0811 @sunniebelle @promisedyouforever @wordsintimeandspace @goingtothetardis and anyone else who wants to do this! 

[genderhawk]

gangs are not a joke

gangs with sexually explicit initiation rites are NOT a joke

cw for gangs, police brutality, harm to children, cults, cops, capitalism, hunger and long-term food deprivation, being poor, racism, etc...  

You must be not-white AND lgbtq+ (including ace/aro ppl) to start shit on this post without getting insta-blocked (might not engage, might still block but i’ll give u a chance) but anyone can reblog

Gangs represent the only support structure for many youth of color, especially those already facing violence from the most powerful gangs in the US (I am speaking only of the US here, bc IDK anywhere else well enough).  Those gangs?  The cops, of course, and the military.  

Picture this.  You are young and black, you are poor.  It doesn’t matter your gender or orientation, it doesn’t matter your zip code or anything else.  As a child you consume media about little white children being good and and doing well.  Maybe it’s 2020 now and there are books you see with kids like you, there are TV shows and movies where people who look like you are featured...  But remember, you’re poor.  Your parent, only one of them bc thats whats common in the communities targeted by gangs and by anti-gang assults, goes hungry most nights the last week of a good month so that you’re only hungry a few nights a week to ensure that your hunger is more uncommon (not rare though...  and you resent this, for all that you love your parent) so theres no money for the upper class media that has decent rep.  No.  You get sassy black sidekicks at best, but mostly you get gang members and criminals.

Now you’re eleven and “almost grown.”  You lie to your mother and say you’re full so that she’ll eat her whole plate without offering you most of it.  But you’re hungry and you have a midterm, your first in sixth grade so you want to do well, so you go into the corner store and you steal a snack bar of some kind.  It’s worth maybe 3 bucks at the increased prices of the corner store by the middle school.

But the camera catches you, and the cops are called.  Maybe you’re luckey and they just scare you a lot, maybe you’re not so lucky......

When your parent can finally come get you from the station you’ve been there the whole day, you missed your midterm but you’ve made some friends with some cool older teens and young adults.  If you’re hungry again, they say, come here and get some food.  You do, and it’s great.  Maybe they’ve got video games you’ve only dreamed of...  They’ve got cool tattoos and so much cool stuff...  And they like you.

Eventually, and not too slowly either, you get tasks to do.  Easy enough, at first, then harder.  You get some kind of symbol.  You break laws for them

You’re older now, high school maybe, and theres an initiation coming up...  A party.  You’re not sure what to expect but then they explain...

Now imagine that you’re queer.  Or neurodivergent, disabled, or otherwise in a harder existence for more than race and financial resources?  Maybe you’re homeless after your parent discovered your first crush, or maybe your parent wasn’t able to treat the pnemonia from one of their less regulated jobs and you’ve been in foster care or other less consistent shelter...  And these cool people offer support and stability as well as community.  

Would you really try to leave?   Would you leave these people who were so kind and supportive, even when the kindness drops away and you realize that you are in a violent and criminal organization?  Who may kill you if you try to gain any distance?  Who are also the only organization that ever gave a damn, because the government has let you suffer all this time?

Gangs are scary and they are an important part of controlling people to make this country easier to “govern”

I’m not here to argue that gangs are created by  the government, but they sure are useful and they are intertwined with “the war on drugs”

So no, being asexual does not mean you’d never join a gang it means that if you were a  poor PoC in Watts you’d be potentially MORE likely to find a family in a gang even if they had a sexual initiation rite

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 17

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Chapter 10, Chapter 15, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): Happy school year in two weeks, folks.

Not gonna lie, I actually had a plan for this chapter, and then forgot it. So... yeah, not the most cohesive or best chapter, but I got it out, and it’s nice, and I like it this way because it’s a break from the wave of panic attacks and mild transphobia the last chapter or two.

Yes, I’m back home now, and I’m doing actually much better mentally and physically than I have since September till June. But the chapters are gonna take a while longer to write from now on, because I’m about to join the scary world of job searching for the unstable ADHD brain, not to mention being involved in three regular ttrpg campaigns (where I play a halfling sorcerer, and a half-elf bard, and also DM the third one), so... my brain is busy. But I promise this fic isn’t going on hiatus! I’m still extremely dedicated and excited to be writing this fic. I love it so much. Honest.

As per every chapter, thanks go to @whatwashernameagain for KHS and for generally being a wonderful human, to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for putting up with my fangirl-levels of excitement over everything (and coming up with the original idea), to @winglessnymph, @asleepybisexual and @anony-phangirl - who, while I know they’ve all fallen out of the loop, continue to have long-lasting effects on this fic as a whole - and new to this list, to @ilovemygaydad, who I’ve asked to beta this fic for me and I hope they’d have time for that starting with the next chapter.

Happy start of college and good luck, my darling dear child. I love you.

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @sweet-and-sour-shadowling, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @violetblossem, @maybe-i-like-the-misery, @book-of-charlie, @thatsanswitch, @thatrandomautist, @thebiggestgaypirate, @marshmallow-the-panda

(Wanna be tagged? Lemme know!)

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter is light on the transphobia, but includes aphobia, deadnaming, panphobia (yes, pansexuality was a term in the early 00s, as I learned just half an hour ago) and vague mentions of child abuse.

—————

Sunday, July 27th, 2003

Incoming call: 218-357-5555

"Ye—"

"Remy? I didn't forget your number? Oh good!"

"...Emile?"

"Yeah?"

"...what's this phone number, darling?"

"Oh! Yeah, I… my phone died, so I got a new one! Sorry I didn't tell you sooner… but, umm, I'm gonna get to the point, yeah okay, happy birthday!"

"Thank… you…? Em, you shouldn't have—"

"Ah, but see, that's where you're wrong! Because I had to, because I said that I have to! You're my best friend in the whole world, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't at least call you to say happy birthday?"

"You're precious, darling."

"Thank you! Oh, did you get my gift yet? I sent it to you in the mail last month! Did you—"

"I did, it was… well, it was unexpected, I'd give you that. Where did you even find a Jack mug anyway?"

"Disneyland…?"

"...you know what, that's fair."

"Yeah! So, happy birthday! I'll be in Manhattan next week, so like… do you wanna go see a show or something…? I haven't seen the Gypsy revival yet…"

"...it's a date, then. But you're paying."

"Yes, yes of course! It's gonna be alright, okay? You trust me?"

"With my life."

"Yay! Okay, okay, umm… yeah. I miss you! Happy birthday!"

"Thank—"

"I gotta go right now at this second it's my cousin's bat mitzvah in two days and I need to get my suit and everything but I'll call you tomorrow evening too okay?"

"Sure… have fun, darling."

"Thank you! Okay, bye!"

—————

"India M—"

"Why didn't you tell me Emile has a new number? I cannot fucking believe you!"

"He wanted to do it himself, peach. On your birthday."

"Okay… okay, I guess that's fair…"

"Happy birthday, too."

"Thanks, mom…"

"So… how'd you spend the week?"

"Nothing big happened… my dad took me to see Nina West last night. It was the fucking best."

"I'll bet. Did you have fun?"

"So much fun! She's fan-fucking-tastic. Honestly. I'd give anything for her to either do me or spare a bit of her funny to me."

"Wow… gay much?"

"Shut up."

"Don't worry, it's fine. I still need to take Jenna to a drag show sometime. Did anyone hit on you…?"

"You'll be surprised how many people hit on my dad, actually. But no. I actually broke up with Chris today because of this."

"Oh? Do tell."

"It wasn't… much. He called me a couple hours ago to say happy birthday, which is fine if you ask me but I just… it ended in him trying to talk me into not talking to Emile again. And that's normal, okay, ain't something I can't handle. But he said ‘sure he's asexual, when he isn't spreading his legs to everyone he's asexual'."

"...did he seriously think he can get away with it?"

"India, no—"

"I don't give a fuck anymore, peach. I'm not going to beat him up, you have nothing to worry about, I just… this shit is so fucking infuriating!"

"I know. But hey, look at the bright side. Ulysses and Mandy said they'll take over next year, I'm gonna let them know. He won't be back."

"That's… that's true. I'll call Mandy later. Don't worry about it. Just… what then?"

"Then I told him that it wasn't his choice, he didn't choose any of it, so he said ‘just like you couldn't choose to stay a girl, Rebecca'."

"...oh yeah. Yeah, definitely. I'm telling Mandy. She'll deck him for sure next time she sees him."

"Thanks, mom. I just… I so wanted to deck him right then! So I gave him a piece of my mind, broke up with him and hung up and deleted his number. Now we wait and see what's gonna happen."

"Good boy. I taught you well."

"Thanks… again… he also said that asexuality isn't real, and—"

"I'm flying down to Texas right now to sock him. I took karate for three years. I can do this."

"India, no… hon. Babe. You need to get settled in DC. You need to—"

"I'm buying the plane tickets right now, Remy! Watch me!"

"—You need to get your life together and get your master's degree. You do not, however, need to go break the nuts of someone who doesn't deserve your attention—"

"Who's the older and wiser one of us?"

"Right now? Not you. You told me this very thing when I wanted to kill that asshole who made a joke out of Emmy, I'm telling you this now. Don't."

"...fine. But if I ever do get the opportunity, I'm doing it."

"Good for you."

"Nobody plays my kids dirty like that."

"You go, mom."

"I will! Oh shit, I have to go!"

"What? Why—"

"I forgot Jenna's parents are coming over today and I need to go pick them up from the airport. I'll call you later to keep catching up, okay peach?"

"Okay, but—"

"Awesome, happy birthday, we love you! See you in two weeks!"

"...see y—"

—————

"...Remy?"

"Good evening, Linda… where's Leah?"

"...and here I thought you called to talk to me. But I suppose I'm only your mother, nothing—"

"Mom, please, I'll talk to you after I tell Leah something really important."

"Alright, I'm sorry. But you got the package we sent you, didn't you?"

"I did, I… I just don't understand. You painted that…?"

"Who else would sign my name on a canvas, Remy?"

"You're… right. I'm sorry. It's very nice. Thank you."

"Happy birthday, son."

"Thank… you…"

"...hello?"

"Leah…? Leah, sweetie, can you hear me?"

"Remy! Oh, oh oh oh Remy I told you I'd tell you about my camp and—"

"And how was your time at camp? Take a breath and then tell me."

"Okay! Okay, so, so we were in the woods, and in cabins, and I kinda wanted to sleep in tents but it didn't happen and it was kinda disappointing but I can always do that later, and…"

—————

August 2003

There was a blackout as Remy was trying to write an essay Dr. Gilliam asked of his class.

So his dad put him on a bus to Georgia, which is why he's making do right now at doing his schoolwork with two children running around.

"We gotta go bowling too!" Leah whispered excitedly. For the fifteenth time this hour. "And then we need ice cream, and, umm, I know where the puppies are, and—"

"Leah, love, I need to finish this essay for school right now. Give me a couple minutes, about twenty, and I'll be with you, okay?"

"Okay!"

Remy couldn't be happier to be there at that moment. He had a plane ticket booked to Boston, his rooming was already set at Lowell, the papers have all been set and he was about to room with Emile, Mandy called him the other day to ask if he'd like to help her run the queer society meetings (and of course he said yes)...

And then there was a crashing sound. And a crying toddler sound. And he had to put his laptop aside to go check on Rachel.

More like run to the kitchen to check on Rachel, who was now standing in front of broken pieces of cheap china and bawling her eyes out.

"No, sweetie, it's okay…" he picked her up and started playing with her hair, hoping to calm her down. "We're gonna clean this, okay? What were you doing with the plate?"

"Tea party!"

"You wanna have a tea party?" She nodded, hiding her face in the crook of his neck. "Okay… okay. Let's wash your face, then pick up the pieces, and then make some tea and have a tea party with your dollies. Okay, love?"

She nodded again, and he kind of had no choice. So he did what he said he'd do, sitting Rachel down in her high chair as he cleaned the broken pieces, and for a moment, he felt like an absolute idiot. He felt like he was his mom.

Well… like Rachel was his mom, and the plate was him, and he was his dad, and holy fuck Emile's show analysis habits have definitely had an effect on him and he really should stop thinking about all this ridiculousness right now.

"Remy?" Leah whispered from behind him as he was picking up the shards. Rachel was entertaining herself, rather unaware of what's going on. "Is daddy gonna be mad?"

"I—" He had to stop. And think before answering. "I don't think so, honey."

"But a plate broke…"

"...he doesn't have to know. It was just a plate. He doesn't count the plates in the cupboard, now does he?" She shook her head, her hair flying everywhere. "So he won't know. Because we won't tell him."

"Okay. I can do that."

"I know you can do that, hon. Now, how about you get your roller skates and we'll go to the park?"

"But you said tea party…"

"We can have a tea party after the park. Rachel, do you wanna go to the park?"

Rachel, who up until then mostly minded her own business, looked over and started nodding with a big smile on her face.

"So we can go to the park and then have a tea party. Where's your roller skates?"

—————

Saturday, August 30th, 2003

"It's always nice to see new faces at the queer society meetings," Mandy said with a huge smile on her face as she balanced the clipboard on her knee, Remy holding her iced coffee. "I'm glad you all could make it today. Now, let's do a name round. Everyone state your preferred name - please no dick jokes, we have people who are very uncomfortable with those in this group as well - and what brings you here, and a small fact you'd like people to know about yourself if you'd want to."

Remy just kept looking over the room. Mandy had this all under control, already having printed out a list to put everyone's names and contacts in for if they need to. India trained her well.

From the corner of his eye, Remy could see Emile bouncing in his seat.

"I'll go first. Hi, I'm Amanda, I go by Mandy, I'm pansexual—"

"That's not a real word," someone called out. Remy did his best not to glare at the person.

He was pretty sure it's Chris.

"Pansexual is a word, Christian," Mandy replied, not even looking at him. "It was coined before your grandmother was even born. Anyway, I'm Mandy, I'm pansexual, and I'm in this wheelchair today because I have fibromyalgia and today is a very bad pain day. Who wants to go next?"

It was the same old sharing circle. Some people elaborated more, some people chose not to. Emile went ham on sharing, telling everyone he was gay and asexual and talking about his bunnies at length, looking as proud as he can be.

And then it got to Remy. And he wasn't nearly as anxious as he was last year.

"I'm Remy, I'm gay and transgender, and my therapist said I can start hormone therapy this year."

[feitanswife]

Sorry for the fucking essay but no actually I’m not

So I saw a buzzfeed story article on snap and it was from a hashtag on twitter that was trending a few days back, #igotwokewhen or something to that effect.

And it reminded me of something that would be WAY too long of a story for twitter.

Well, several somethings. Three to be exact. This was like a two year process that only sort of included tumblr.

So it started in my sophomore year of high school (10th grade, I was... turning 16 that coming March) and I was in Honors 10th Grade English with the rest of the tryhards.

(Honors didn’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things, the classes were relatively similar to core, it was basically a box you checked during class selection to say “I want to be in a class with people who give a shit”)

And I was in a corner with two other kids: the one I’ll call Cake Face, and her best friend, Cutie. (Cause they were cute. Like adorable non-threatening videogame-nerd-who-even-I-could-drop-kick-if-they-tried-anything cute, which was very much my “type” in high school as I was in complete and utter denial about my lack of sexual attraction and only let myself grow close to people I could totally take in a fight to ease my anxiety about being touched.)

Cake Face was a terrifying girl who very Clearly had a tumblr.

This was 2014-2015. She Very Clearly Had A Tumblr.™️ like it was Scary.

She sat behind me and she terrified me. I’d known her from 7th grade onwards and until that point I knew 3 things about her: she wore WAY too much makeup, she was a try hard at school, and she hated pretty much everyone.

Except Cutie, who she would kill and die for.

Cutie, whose real name I can’t even remember now, was the first out trans peer I remember having. (I say “out” because two of my best friends who is known for much longer came out later, but at the time to my knowledge Cutie was the only one so I count them as first cause it was my first interaction under the pretense)

Cutie was also the first non-binary person I knew. That is without condition, to my knowledge (I haven’t kept track of many people from high school) as the next notable encounter was well into college.

So now you had me, vaguely crushing on Cutie whose Overbearingly Agressively Supportive best friend sat right behind me.

Needless to say that crush went nowhere, we hardly talked cause I was too afraid of Cake Face to even start up a coversation for fear I’d say something wrong and get my head ripped off. She was openly confrontational with our teacher and the rest of the class and I just kept my head down and said nothing.

Come to think of it, that’s probably what Cutie was doing too. I certainly wouldn’t want my best friend fighting people on my behalf all day. Talk about embarrassing.

But the idea had been put in my head and since I was about ankle deep in Fandom Tumblr that that point (mostly popular anime with some J-fashion on the side) I decided to dip my toes in further.

And while I was still wrapping my head around the vague idea of asexuality and oh no what does this mean for the boyfriend I got last spring my near best friend in the world cane out as a trans guy on like, day one of our AP language and composition class.

Just to me and our mutual friend but like, it happened. The name he ended up choosing could be shortened to a rather gener neutral nickname so he ended up going by that at large, but the actual conversation only happened with us.

(To be fair, his deadname when combined with his middle name was a weed based pun so no one was surprised he changed it. it was also spelled weirdly.)

And that was the first time I’d ever like, fully integrated into the... entire culture of interacting??? I guess??? Like learning the lingo, learning the flags, figuring out what a binder was (and trying to talk him out of wearing it to gym class, irresponsible little shit!) and I quickly became very protective of him.

I mean I was protective before cause he had other problems like anxiety worse than mine and we all know that when a group of friends all have anxiety that whoever’s is currently least active gets to pretend they’re fine and deal with shit. But this was a whole other layer. It honestly made me a little paranoid cause people... people show their true colors at times like these.

Like that second friend he told.

“Friend”

I ended up writing her into a novel just to hit her character with a truck over one (1) conversation.

Cause when my friend was around she was a sweet angel.

But when he wasn’t she was rude as shit and misgendered him constantly. Also she was really jealous of me being better at essay writing than her and like well maybe if you focused more effort into class and less into talking shit about your supposed best friend then??? Maybe you’d know how to write???

And I worked my ass off on a group poster project and she threw it out and redid the whole thing herself cause she didn’t like mine and it’s been like four years and I have never forgiven her for that I had like three panic attacks for that poster and you threw it away?

I’m not even gonna censor her name Fuck You Jillian you entitled piece of shit!

And around that time I also met the most important person of my life.

She’s a year younger than me and three times as smart, she’s still my best friend to this day and all of our friends unironically call her mom.

And she was the first person I came out to as ace.

(Mostly because she did first and the only response I could think of was “me too!” We were eating lunch. I think I was sitting on the floor. She was on a bench. I was looking up at her. Her hair was bright fire engine red and down to her butt and she was in full gothwear.)

It was because of her that I eventually made a new tumblr account (first under lily-of-the-rain, then raininglillies, then Feitanswife which I have no interest in changing cause I can’t fathom anyone else having this url) and sort of dove deep into all of this cause I finally felt like I could.

Like she was the full permission to exist in this space! She ran our high schools GSA and now is Vice President of our college’s Queer and Allues club (which I only joined cause she dragged me)

and all of that while being ace, which I was ultimately horrifically ashamed of until I met her.

Not because I thought it was wrong to be ace, I just thought it made me less important. Just in general. I was less important in the straight world and less important among the lgbtq+ community. No one was gonna make a fuss over me if I just sat down and shut up, but I wasn’t going to be missed if I disappeared either.

I was just what I’d always been, a background character. Meant to be seen and not heard. Don’t make a fuss just sit and be quiet and be glad we saved you a chair at all.

But she wasn’t. She walked in and it didn’t matter if it was a night out or 7 am on a Tuesday she was dressed to the nines, with her nearly neon red hair and a sort of “DONT fuck with me” energy that let her just mow down anyone who wanted to start shit, with her or anyone else.

And people respected her not in spite of who she was but because of it

And that was the final flip of the switch I needed. First it was the awareness, then the caring personal connection, and then there was “you have the right and the duty to flip that fucking switch. It is yours.

Not because someone else told you to or because it affects people you care about, but because it affect you

[sea-of-sunlight]

On Feeling A Spark

Written for @aromantic-official‘s weekly Pride series. This week’s theme is Aro Community and Relationships.

In college I went on a date with this guy named Jonathan, and to this day, four years and a ton of life experience later, it remains one of my biggest regrets.

Not because anything bad happened - this is not a story about trauma, I promise. I actually had a great time. But I regret it, because I wanted to like this boy SO MUCH, and I didn’t, and I couldn’t understand why.

Jon checked all my boxes. He was cute, and funny, and nice, and laid back, and an actor to boot, and I love the theater. That’s actually how we met: on the set of a 24-hour film festival, the kind where you’re given a team and a theme and a day to make a movie worth watching. He acted and wrote. I acted and dressed the set. It felt exhausting and exhilarating and at the end of it all, Jon asked me on a date. I said yes and thought, maybe this time. Maybe we’ll get talking and this dynamic we’ve started on set will continue and I’ll finally feel that ~spark~ everyone talks about.

We went to an Italian place and loaded up on breadsticks and half a bottle of wine each, and then we went to the midnight premiere of The Lego Movie and sat in the back row and fell out of our seats laughing. We talked and we talked and we laughed some more. I thoroughly, deeply, truly enjoyed myself. And in the privacy of the back of my mind I kept wondering: when will the spark kick in?

After, he drove me back to my dorm and, as people generally do when dates go well, he leaned in to kiss me. I turned my cheek.

I could see he was hurt and I hated it, hated myself too because my dream partner stood in front of me and all I could feel was panic when he said, “This was fun. I’d love to go on a second date with you soon?” All shy, no clue I felt disoriented and terrified and trapped and repulsed inside. Spark-less, and hurting, and so, so confused by it all.

I agreed to the date instead of telling him my thoughts. I played the cheek off as coy. I fled. From my dorm room window I watched him sit in his car and smile to himself, and text a friend, and then text me, and then he drove away and I proceeded to ignore every text and phone call he sent me after until, eventually, he just stopped calling. That’s the part I regret. I grieve for that lost friend.

I think about that date with Jonathan often, even though it’s been four years. I wonder if he’s forgiven me, or forgotten me. I wonder, if I had known I was aromantic and asexual then, if I might have had the language to figure out things differently. If I might have been happy with him, heart be damned.

🌻

I see so many young people - 16, 15, younger - claiming their aspec identities with pride, and I am truly happy for them. I’m happy that they have found community online, and the relief in the right words. I’m enormously glad to see the ace and aro flags included in so many more Pride posts this year. It’s healing.

But - but, but, but - we have to move it offline. We have to move it offline. The internet is a powerful tool for community organization and the distribution of ideas, and for those of us who have found a home here, it feels safe. I get that, truly I do.

But it’s also insular. I see GSRM folks, especially aspec people, joke about the circular nature of our posts all the time, about seeing the same post seven times in a row with the same hundred people reblogging it. Ha ha. I laugh along. It really is kind of funny. But it’s also disheartening, and a bit scary - if only The DiskHorse breaks out of the circle and gains widespread visibility, what does that tell non-aspec people? What does it say to the aspec people who are questioning, or who feel alone or broken or like they /just haven’t found the right person yet, try harder/?

And that’s just Tumblr. What about other websites? What about the 60 million USians who don’t use the internet? For perspective, that’s 11% of the adult US population without access to the community we often take for granted.

I encourage you (and also beg, and plead, and will stoop to bribery if that’s your stride) to be intentional when sharing aspec content this Pride month. With the caveat of only when it’s safe to do so, of course, consider reblogging your favorite posts to your aspec side blog and your main. Check out physical copies of aspec books from your local library, to demonstrate interest (and encourage your library to purchase books, if you don’t find any). Buy and wear subtle or overt Pride merch. Show up at local queer groups and offer pamphlets, if they seem confused.

And non-aspec folks: you can take these actions too. Inclusivity and visibility aren’t solely the responsibility of each micro-community. Stronger together, and all that jazz.