#relationship anarchy

[stormonneptune]

ok if I'm being crazy lmk but I think the aro and polyam community have a lot more in common than people think

this might just be a me thing but one of the main aro/romance discourse things that I think about a LOT is the fact that in amatonormative culture people are assumed to have all their needs (affection, understanding etc) from one single person and I think the aversion of this overlaps a lot between the aro and polyam communities

my personal aro identity is built a lot off of me having MY needs met by multiple people (my 3 best friends/larger circle of friends) and none of these relationships being romantic in nature (plus ofc not feeling romantic attraction, this is more of the relationship anarchy standpoint I have rather than aro) and I feel this is very similar to some polyamorous dynamics

I just wanted to yap but if anyone else has any thoughts on this I'd love to discuss further 🙏🙏🙏

[microraptorhours]

sometimes i think about how much i love my friends and then i want to cry

[m4sc4r4]

The Road to Relationship Anarchy | Andie Nordgren

Transcription:

“We, the people who came together, and found each other within this countercultural environment, had theories and lived experiences proving to us that love could be felt towards more than one person at a time. Also, that societal relationship norms could police this out of existence, creating a kind of cage around love-based relationships. Polyamory seemed, at least to us, to be the very key which would open the cage door — but we soon found that this movement similarly caged love in, only finding room for more than two people inside. The rules sometimes seemed even stricter within the polyamorous relationships, where love was somehow both special and dangerous. Those who entered the cage willingly would both be subject to control by the other(s), as well as be forced to exercise control over the other(s) behavior. Our anarchist spirits would tolerate no such cage, or wish to put any other person, especially those for whom we felt love, into such a cage.”

I highlighted the quote “Polyamory seemed, at least to us, to be the very key which would open the cage door — but we soon found that this movement similarly caged love in, only finding room for more than two people inside. The rules sometimes seemed even stricter within the polyamorous relationships, where love was somehow both special and dangerous.”

[sminny-wew]

It's so funny being a shipper when you're aroace it's like you're an anthropologist, like hey fictional blorbos who live in my head let me study your bonds under a microscope and take notes on what happens when I throw Valentines Day into your enclosure

[nolibrarian332]

I’ve thought several times in my life “maybe I’m just not made for long-term love” when looking at my history of short-lived relationships

And maybe I’m not. But this time, I mean it in an aromantic relationship anarchist way and not a sad way

[gay-shrimp-eaters]

I love platonic love so much. I love how it feels to love someone with my whole heart in a way that isn't about attraction. I love love love my friends and my community and the people in my life and I love loving them the way that I love them all. I love none of them romantically but I wouldn't change the way I love them because I love them so much.

I'm so in love with my friends platonically and I swear my heart could burst with how happy I am to have them in my life and I wouldn't change the way I feel for a second

[agrebel18]

i love you polyamorous relationships, open relationships, friends with benefits/friends that have sex with each other, queerplatonic relationships, friendships that have some weird queer element to it, relationship anarchy, staying single and i love anything that doesn't match what society considers "normal"

[alxor-of-hellsite]

hate the whole idea of “this is what friends do & this is what lovers do” i will love my friends and the whole world around me so hard it changes the narrative to fuck over whoever made that social norm up specifically

[runwiththerain]

more people need to be aware of the term alterous attraction (a desire for a close emotional connection with someone, but it's not completely romantic or platonic) and use it instead of calling everything a qpr. because by calling everything a qpr you are turning that term into a label instead of what it actually is - an umbrella term for many non conventional types of relationships.

[the-bar-sinister]

Sorry if you're not the right people to ask this, but I'm not sure where else to get actual advice instead of just bullet point lists from psychology websites from Google - do you have any advice on how to handle jealousy when it's neither my place nor desire to be jealous? I want my fwb to fuck around with other people and have other friends, but I feel so sickly ill about it too... obviously it's a self-esteem/self-image issue on my end, but is there anything more surface level I can do to handle that while I try to work on those deeper issues...?? You don't have to answer this or anything, I'm just a mutual (the friend is on tumblr, I don't want them seeing lol) looking for advice, but... it would be greatly appreciated ^^; i hope your day is going better!

Hey pal, that's rough, honestly. I wish I had good advice for you.

Some amount of jealousy can be normal. When I'm jealous, I ask myself "what about the situation is making me jealous?"

Are you maybe not getting enough time with your fwb and wish you were getting more?

Are there specific activities that your fwb is engaging with with other people, but you want them to do them with you also - or to do them only with you?

Take some time and try to suss out exactly what part is making you feel bad. And if it's something that can be logically communicated about and worked out (like wanting more time together, or wanting to do certain activities, or putting a boundary on certain activities with others) then talk about it with your fwb.

On the other hand, it might turn out when you do your thinking that it's *irrational* jealousy.

It's possible you're feeling territorial, and like you want your fwb all to yourself - even though LOGICALLY you've come to the decision that you want your fwb to hang around with other people.

At that point you have to confront your inner territorial animal and whack 'em with a newspaper.

You have to say "no, I am getting exactly what I want from this relationship. I've thought about it, and there's not anything I want to communicate to them to change, or improve my experience. This isn't about improving my relationship this is about control, and I don't want to control my fwb."

And your inner animal will snarl back "No! Mine!" and then you have to whack them with the newspaper again. V_V

Once you've made sure that there's nothing logical and rational that you can improve in your relationship - no unfulfilled needs or unsuspected boundaries that you can communicate with your partner - then you've got to use the rational and logical discussion on the beast.

And pal that can be a tough fight, but I know you'll win.

[underwhelmingalchemist]

"There's no platonic explanation for this" there is if you're aromantic enough about it, hope this helps!

[arotechno]

welcome to "what relationship is it anyway" where the rules are made up and the points don't matter

[m4sc4r4]

The Ethics of Relationship Anarchy | Ole Martin Moen, Aleksander Sørlie

Highlighted Text: “In the case of friendships, it is commonly accepted that these may grow stronger or weaker over time and that this does not need to cause an abrupt end to the friendship. By contrast, romantic relationships are commonly expected to develop along a one-way trajectory… Moreover, one may not de-escalate any such relationship without thereby ending it completely.”

Transcription “In the case of friendships, it is commonly accepted that these may grow stronger or weaker over time and that this does not need to cause an abrupt end to the friendship. By contrast, romantic relationships are commonly expected to develop along a one-way trajectory. This trajectory has been described by the writer Amy Gahan (2017) as "the relationship escalator": a date, or series of dates, should (if successful) escalate to a romantic relationship; a romantic relationship should (if successful) escalate to moving in together; and moving in together should (if successful) escalate to marrying and working to make a nuclear family. Although it typically is seen as okay to wait for some time at a certain step before going further, one must be moving forward; otherwise, the relationship is not developing the way it must if it is to be regarded as successful. Moreover, one may not de-escalate any such relationship without thereby ending it completely. In cases where such a relationship has ended, the other person becomes one's "ex." In that case, it becomes suspect to continue to be emotionally and/or physically involved with that person.

Now, it is understandable that relationships of a given kind will tend to develop along a certain trajectory. In a variety of circumstances, following such a trajectory may be entirely sensible. The problem, from an RA perspective, arises when a particular trajectory is regarded as prescriptive for how every relationship in a given category relationship should develop. This is problematic because we humans are not just identical tokens of the general type "human." Rather, we are particular persons with particular needs, wants, plans, habits, strengths, bodies, personalities. No two persons are exactly alike and no two social situations are alike. So, as Nordgren observes, ‘every relationship is unique’ (Nordgren 2006).”

[dailyanarchistposts]

To Embrace Romantic Anarchy

Relationship Anarchism is the incorporation of autonomy within interpersonal relationships. RA seeks an end to domination and ownership based relationship models, embracing the values of Anarchism in both the small and large scale. A radical new take on recontextualizing the ways in which we relate to ourselves and others to live more freely and authentically. Creating multifaceted and complex relationship structures that don’t have to follow traditional models of what it means to be a friend, lover or partner. To become a relationship anarchist is to cast off the shackles of a divine nuclear family and the boxes that seek to draw our relationships for us. To become a relationship anarchist is to end the obfuscation of our desires and to reject a half joy found in unnecessary compromise. If we embrace Relationship Anarchism we can become free within ourselves and within our connections to others. We can live in anarchy.

[aropride]

i’ve begun saying people “obviously aren’t in a romantic relationship, they have something deeper and more intimate going on” as this seems to confuse and upset alloromantics

(ID: a banner with text over the aro flag. the text says: i don't care about blorbotags go wild but this post is about hating the hierarchial system of relationships & if you're mad about it you're probably been poisoned by ace discourse brainworms. and are also proving my point. /end ID)

[matcha-milo]

I want a relationship that is completely undefinable by any existing labels or words. Like, we're so close and we hug and kiss each other's foreheads and cuddle and travel and explore together, and we get along so well and have so much in common. But at the same time, our relationship isn't fully romantic or fully platonic; it's a completely separate, open-to-interpretation thing that we tweaked as needed, and we have our own boundaries and things we are and aren't comfortable with, and we respect each other in every way, shape, and form.