#aro thoughts

[ilovedthestars]

I've gotten multiple responses to this post that are basically along the lines of, "I mostly agree with this, but calling close platonic relationships 'queer' still feels weird to me. That's not what 'queer' usually means and I don't know if I'd use it to describe relationships like this."

And like. I appreciate that people are listening to my point and being receptive to it, even if it feels a little Out There to them! I genuinely appreciate the folks who aren't sure they get this but are hearing me out.

But I also keep wanting to be like. Yeah, that's my point!

We don't use 'queer' to describe platonic relationships but I think we should. (Or at least, should be able to, when it fits the circumstances!) I know, and I acknowledge directly in the post, that this is not a widely accepted usage of the term. I am arguing for an expansion of the term.

I can only make guesses as to what people with this kind of reluctance are feeling, but my best guess is that they're used to "queer" (or at least "queer relationship") being used mostly in reference to gay/lesbian/same-gender love and attraction. A lot of people mostly associate the word "queer" with gay romance. And while that's a big subset of queer experiences, honestly, I think it's a shame that it's often the only type of queer experience that gets talked about.

Queer is an umbrella term for a reason! Is there any reason "queer relationships" shouldn't include, say, friendships between queer/trans people? Or romantic/sexual relationships that could be considered straight, but include one or more trans people? Or, as I make the argument above, relationships that are breaking down the normative ideas of what kinds of relationships a person is "allowed" to have, regardless of whether the people involved are themselves queer?

Maybe that last one is a leap for some people, and you think that a relationship can't be queer if the people in it don't identify with any of the LGBTQ+ labels. I understand that reservation, but honestly, I think that there's so much social pressure against non-normative relationships that people who break them should get to be considered queer / in a queer relationship if they want, and that we should get to apply queer interpretations to characters in that kind of relationship as well.

(Also, like, a lot of people in non-normative relationships are in fact queer, especially aromantic and asexual. But if we aspecs can have fun with our queer friendships and queerplatonic relationships, I don't see why anyone else shouldn't be able to!)

Anyway, all that to say that if this is pushing your definition of queer a little bit, good! That's what I was trying to do! And I hope people come away from this a little more open to the idea.

If you still aren't really convinced, that's okay. If it doesn't change what you personally use the word "queer" for, I hope you still get something else out of this post—like learning about amatonormativity and starting to see it around you, or considering friendships in media through a queer / anti-amatonormative lens of analysis when it feels relevant. (Or just being more chill about aro and ace people in fandoms who don't ship your ships. Please. We would really appreciate it.)

And I just want to say, while I'm here: Thank you for the incredible response to this post. It's just over 10k notes as I'm posting this and I'm so happy that so many people are interested in this topic & my thoughts on it (and so grateful that the response has been 99.99% positive so far). To all the aspec folks who have told me I've put something into words that you never could—thank you, I'm truly honored and I love you all 💜💚. To all the people who have told me I've opened their eyes to something new—thank you for being curious and willing to learn! And to all the people who still don't get it but are here anyway—thank you for listening to what I had to say. I'm glad you're here.

I wish it wasn’t a hot take that a story in which two characters of any gender prioritize their purely platonic relationship over any other romantic or sexual interests they might have is a textually queer story

[lemonycranberries]

IT IS TIME FOR THE POWER OF AROMANTICISM TO MAKE ARO TAGS BECOME #1 ON TUMBLR YET AGAIN

[aromanticduck]

Being aromantic is like knowing most of your friends will one day move to Paris, but you don't want to live in Paris. And if you ever get sad about how much you're going to miss them when they go, people just try and tell you that you too can find a place in Paris! As if the problem is not having a house yet or being unable to sort out your transport, rather than not wanting to live there at all.

[merely-a-caricature]

Me: -So aros come out of the quiver and aces come out of the deck-

[wonder-and-wildflowers]

I think not realizing that I was aromantic until I was like 19 is kinda mental in retrospect.

Not just because of the way I used to 'assign' crushes to myself. Or would genuinely become heartbroken when very specific best friends (who I now realize were squishes) would date someone and that person would become a priority over me.

Or when I would start mourning when one of said very specific people (the squishes) would confess romantic feelings for me.

But, if for no other reason, because I have literally always treated friendship rings/ necklaces/ bracelets with a level of reverence mirrored primarily in allo's comitment to their weddings/ engagement rings.

I wear those things until they break and then become genuinely completely devastated when they do.

[lovequeerindigo]

“i could never have a fwb, one of us would just end up catching feelings and getting their heart broken.” skill issue.

[shiutsu]

like be glad that at least u have someone to talk to 💀 when ur friend list is larger than mine from the last 6 years 💀

Edit: ppl got mad over this in the meme aro subreddit & how those things aren't related. Suddenly y'all not putting 2 different types of attraction on the same level,hm?..🤡

[thermodynamic-comedian]

i've been thinking about my relationship with romance again. it's so weirdly complex but simple at the same time. i don't like romance in media, unless it's tragic or violent or toxic. maybe because i view romance as all of those things, inherently.

but at the same time, non-romantic codependence is something i understand so well. human connection and two people wanting to become one and not being able to survive without each other is something i've felt, and it's something i want to see portrayed.

i don't know where the line of romance lies for me, but i always know when it's crossed. it sucks, because i can't set proper boundaries with my friends, i want to be intimate with them, i want to make out with them and fuck them and spend as much time with them as possible, but i'll get uncomfortable if that invisible line is ever crossed.

i'm also polyamorous, and i think that my discomfort with romance is heavily tied to my discomfort with monogamy. i don't like the idea of there being only one person in your life that's more important than the others. i want there to be as many people as possible, all of them equally as important to me.

i don't like love songs, except for love songs written by will toledo or will wood or john darnielle. i don't know what's so different about those three specifically. i think because all their music about love reflects the inherent conflict of it, without romanticizing it? it's an unromantic idea of romantic love, in a way. twin fantasy is one of my favourite albums of all time, and a lot of the songs on it remind me of my own past relationships. how i felt connected to both of my exes, but never in the same way they were to me; how it was really just about needing each other, rather than wanting each other. it was all codependence and circumstance and me accepting that a romantic relationship was the closest i'd get to what i actually wanted (it wasn't).

i don't really know what this post is about. just thoughts, i guess.

don't tag as ace, you cunts

[aroacefurb]

why do aphobes whine about how we arent opressed every time we breath and then just ignore it every time someone explains in detail the opression aspec people face. like wow. its almost like you don't actually care and just want to discriminate against us

[villain-life]

You know what? Aphobic people messed my mind and my brain created a huge dilemma.

I’m aro, yes, but have i ever experienced love? No. Will i? I don’t know. What i want to say is, i might feel that. Will i still be aro? Yes. That’s the thing. Maybe if i experience it someday for someone, or eventually have the chance to feel something romantic, it will be different from what i expect. Maybe i’ll feel something. Maybe not. Who knows.

The unknown makes me say i’m aro. At the end of the day i’m 18 and i never had a crush in real life, just a “fictional/mostly platonic” online relationship that never had the chance to become “real” in real life.

I never had my “first kiss”, my first “holding hands”, my first “hug with someone special”. Absolutely nothing. Why? I don’t know. I always felt like i’m waiting for someone who doesn’t exist, someone perfect, someone who deserves that attention. But at the same time, i want to do this things, to understand me better. But with who? With someone i feel comfortable that also has to be attractive

Do i think people are attractive? Hell yeah, sometimes i even develop s3xual feelings. But would i step out of my “comfort zone” and go talk to them? No. If i do, my attraction always ends. This is the reason why i feel i’m aro. I never had the possibility and i never felt attracted for someone i had the chance to meet.

[ilovedthestars]

I've put so much effort into well-worded explanations of my thoughts in response to people's tags on my aro post but for this one I'm giving up and doing a meme instead.

Transcript both for accessibility and because I am aware that that text is painfully small to read:

The "So you agree?" meme template from Mean girls, with a very long caption.

Top text: People reblogging my post about how platonic relationships can be queer: "But you're basically saying any relationship that's not the status quo can be queer. By that definition everyone could be queer"

Bottom text: Me: So you agree? Almost no one actually has a "normal" or "ideal" relationship, and the "status quo" of relationships is a false standard that we should discard?

End image description

(the post in question)

[aromanticduck]

Often when aromantic people express a fear of loneliness after their friends partner up and have less time for them, people's solution is to encourage us to partner too, just platonically/queerplatonically. And that works for some, but it kind of misses the point. I don't want one person to spend most of my time with. I want several people who have the amount of time for me that single friends do. Not someone to live with, but someone to meet up with for a few hours on a fairly regular basis. Someone who'll be there for me in times of trouble (and vice versa), but isn't part of my major life decisions.

I know most alloromantic people aren't jerks who completely forget their friends when they get into relationships (I have friends who are married, and they haven't ditched me), but time is a finite resource, and someone else getting more of it inevitably means you get less. I don't blame my allo friends for that - it just isn't pleasant to experience.

The fact is that some people need to balance their emotional connection between multiple people, not concentrate most of it on just one. I'm a 'one or two eggs in each basket' kind of person (polyamorous people will know what I'm on about - we're fighting the same war on different fronts).

I mean, I'm not 100% sure that platonic partnership isn't for me. Maybe it'll appeal to me more later in life, maybe not. But it's annoying to have it presented to me as the ideal aro lifestyle. It feels like Amatonormativity Lite.

[merely-a-caricature]

I will never understand how the slightest bit of physical contact with one’s crush will send lightning through their body, make them red as a tomato, and cause them to go crazy and make a fool out of themselves?! Like, my dad told me how “when you get to that age”, even a little bit of contact is gonna cause a lot of feelings?! No?! It doesn’t sound real to me lol

[i-might-be-aro]

When I'm talking about being asexual, it's simple. Like, I'm ace and sex-repulsed. That pretty much describes it.

My aro identity? That's difficult. Like. I am in a romantic relationship and happy with it and don't want that to change. If we broke up I can't imagine doing romance again, because romance is our thing? And it'd be weird to try and replicate that with someone else. The same way it'd be weird to watch the same TV shows together, or tag a new partner as being the same fictional couple I did with this one. I just think any future relationships would be QPR. And I wouldn't say I'm romance repulsed. Nor would I say I'm romance favourable, because I don't particularly like any romance tropes nor do I like shows about romance, and nor did I ever want any of the things that are presented as romance before I loved my partner. But romance neutral feels wrong too? Because I'm so tired of romance as a plot line. I hate sex, but I'd rather read a fic with sex scenes, because at least they're easier to avoid and tend not to contain any plot relevant details. But the amount of things I've read with a great premise where I give up before the conclusion because it was fucking "slow burn" and so the further into the plot you get the more everything interesting gets shoved to the side for two characters to gaze into each others eyes. And it makes me want to scream. Were I in a neutral society, I think I would be romance neutral. But it's forced down my throat everywhere, and it makes me wish sometimes that the concept was never invented. That being said, I still enjoy being in a romantic relationship. It's just. Like. I enjoy eating pizza. A lot of people enjoy eating pizza. But if every TV show or book or fic had scenes dedicated only to eating pizza, I'd get really bored. That's how romance is to me.

[lady-phasma]

I often wonder about closeted arospec celebrities. When I was a kid, it wasn't easy for celebrities to be openly queer. My friends and I would speculate, as middle schoolers do, about celebs.

On the rare occasions that I pay attention to a celebrity outside of their profession, I play a mental game of "are they arospec?" It probably stems from the same need for representation we had when I was growing up, but sometimes I wonder if there are significantly more public figures who are arospec than we realize.

[shiutsu]

CW:Gore

Allopls try not to assume every single aro is friendship obsessed maniac. Or that everyone has a best friend. No,no we fucking don't. Not everyone has someone that's willing to stay or just put them as a 1st choice.

Or any type of love. It doesn't matter. Some of us are aplatonic/afamiliar/loveless/etc.

Not everyone wants to/has spend their life with someone. No matter if they have the chance or not (some of us are unlikeable & don't have the nerves to bother w ppl when we know they're not gonna like us anyways no matter how we'll try or we just had enough of the treatment we received).

I said this like 400 times already but not everyone feels love & has the ppl 4 it.

This is like every post in the aro hashtag whenever I open the feed,it makes me mad. If I could block this shit,I would,but considering ppl don't tag their posts smth like alloplatonic or platonic favorable, I'd have to block the entire hashtag,which is no.

It pisses me off. & its not just these sentences,it can be anything w love or partnerships.

btw if you're a normal allopl that doesn't say this shit or doesn't think this,this isn't targeted towards you. This isn't supposed to offend anyone,but the amount of shit I see pisses me off, especially the platonic stuff, considering that friendships was smth that ruined my life & make me overthink.