#Tim Drake Quotes

[ditzyredrobin]

–Tim Drake on Tam Fox (Red Robin #13 – The Hit List: Part One: The Domino Effect)

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Bruce: Today I realised I'm old

Clark: What happened?

Bruce: I fell in the kitchen and instead of laughing, all my kids came running to see if I was ok

Clark:

Bruce: I saw fear in their eyes

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[bruciemilf]

Bruce: I know it’s hard, but you must remain forgiving and merciful, Jason.

Tim, who had to watch Bruce skin a man alive like a piece of salmon with a batarang for saying something rude about his then deceased son, throw him in the back of the Batmobile, and drive him to the hospital just to beat him up again:

[thebat-musicman]

9 year old Dick: If you’re a friendless loser and you know it, clap your hands!

Bruce:

Dick: Clap. Your. Hands.

Bruce: *clap clap*

———

12 year old Jason: HEY YOU!

Jason: HEEEEEY YOU!

Jason: HEY! YOU!

Bruce: It’s not polite to not call people by their names, Robin.

Jason: Nice try, Hey You. I know my mentor’s name.

———

13 year old Tim: You see this coffee, Bruce?

Bruce: Thank you for making this for m-

Tim: This is my coffee. You are having water. Only people who don’t break mugger’s fingers get coffee.

———

Clark: Batman, your Robins are so polite. They must have been a joy to raise.

Bruce, through clenched teeth: Such a joy.

[jennrypan]

Tim: You look like every girls first mistake

Jason: You look like you remind teachers about homework when the bells about to ring.

Tim: You probably WERE that kid weren't you, nerd?

Jason: Rather be a nerd than illiterate, what's the last book you read, Timmy?

Tim: Fuck you. You look like you eat refrigerator magnets!

Jason: Bitch- you look like you lick unknown substances just to find out what they are!

Tim: That was one time!!

Jason: Little freak!

Bruce: Whoa whoa! What the hell? What are you two arguing about?

Tim: Huh? We aren't arguing?

Jason: We're bondin' go away!

Bruce:

Bruce: ..Okay

[incorrectbatfamandfriends]

Tim: You want to know a secret?

Jason, still texting: not really.

Tim: I don't really have a coffee addiction.

Jason: What? Tim: I just pretend to drink a lot of coffee, so when Bruce says "no more coffee," I don't have to stop drinking energy drinks Jason: You're lying. I see you with one of those stupid Batburger coffee cups like every day. Tim: There's no coffee in that. Tim: It's just red bull man. Jason: Why would you tell me this? Tim: Because no one will believe you.

[secretidentie]

Tim for literally no reason: Hey Jason do yk where I can get some cocaine

Jason: Why tf do you need cocaine

Tim: I'm a teenage CEO why tf do you think I need cocaine

Jason: Fair enough. But I'm still not selling you cocaine

Tim: Why not? I just want to hang out with the other young finance bros

Jason: Hey dick head, tell your brother I'm not giving him cocaine

Dick: Tim are you okay? do you want to talk about this??

Tim: Uhg I'm fine. You're the one ones who said I should stop drinking coffee

Jason: and you thought this was a good alternative???

Tim: Come on I'll only do a little

Dick: Is this coz we spoiled the ending of wolf of Wallstreet

Tim: Why can't I just have some? You do!

Jason: No I don't

Tim: You're a crime lord

Dick: Yeah isn't it like part of the job

Jason: WHAT NO Stereotype much. I've never even seen cocaine up close

Tim: YOU'RE A CRIME LORD

Jason: Yeah not a drug dealer THERE'S A DIFFERENCE

Tim: I should have known your not cool enough to have drug dealer connections

Jason: OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA BUY A FUCK TON OF COCAINE AND DO IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU JUST TO RUB IT IN

Dick: Woah woah that's enough both of you. No one in this house is doing drugs. If anyone talks about cocaine again I'll tell Bruce you said you want to start a new crack epidemic. He'll make you sit in at strangers AA meetings and read through old case files of ex dealers and their autopsies. Don't. TEST. me.

Tim: ............

Jason: ............

Tim: Can you sell me meth?

[theaceofarrows]

A Robin tradition

-

13 year old Jason: Dick, I need to borrow the Batmobile! Roy needs help with his English homework, Alfred is busy, and the Batmobile is the fastest car we have!

18 year old Dick: [is mad at Bruce and knows full well that this is going to piss him off] Say no more

[Dick gets the keys]

Dick: I'll hide the keys to the motorcycles and the plane. When Bruce tries to call you, just ignore him

Jason: [running to the car] Thanks, Dick! You're the best!

-

[Years later]

Tim: Jason please help me! I need the Batmobile to save Kon from Kryptonite Zombies!

Jason: 'Kay, try not to hit any pedestrians

Jason: [takes the Batmobile keys out of his pocket tosses them to Tim]

Tim: You just had them in your pocket...?

Jason: Zombies, Tim

Tim: Right! Thanks! [Runs away]

-

[Even more years later]

Damian: Drake! I require the Batmobile. Connor needs assist-

Tim: [already tossing Damian the keys] Cool, see ya later

Damian: [already running to the car] Thank you!

[punkiebuttons]

Tim: Would you slap your best friend for a thousand bucks?

Jason: I would slap Dick for free

Dick, tearing up: I’m your best friend??

[thefriendlyneighborhoodace]

sometimes i think about how funny it would be if bruce had a slight english accent as a result of alfred being the only adult in his life for most of his formative years. that or he just says british slang instead of english.

this either drives his children insane, or they think it’s the most hilarious thing ever.

__________________________

Bruce: Can you pass the chips?

Dick: Sure, B. *passes over the potato chips*

Bruce: No, the chips.

Dick: ???? … yeah? here?

Bruce: NO! THE CHIPS! *gesturing wildly for the french fries*

Damian: Father, are you having a stroke?

———

Batman: Alright, this mission is very important. It is imperative that everything goes to schedule. (shh-edule)

*red robin and red hood snicker*

Batman: *glare* As I was saying, it all must go to shh-edule…

RR & RH : *uproariously laughter *

Batman: *harsher glare* Is something funny?

RR: Oh nothing, B, don’t worry.

RH: Absolutely nothing wrong, “left-tenant”

RR & RH: *dying of laughter *

———

Bruce: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??

Duke: … You sound like Alfred…

Bruce: *horrified look over coming him* … what

Cass: *furious nodding*

*Some time later, after B has been fished out of Gotham Harbor, which he jumped into after declaring that he “couldn’t turn into his father”*

Alfred: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??

Bruce: *white as a sheet* … Sorry Alfie…

*Steph is heard furiously cackling in the background*

_______________________

anyways i just thought this was fun

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Bruce: *Posts a super low-quality image to the family group chat*

Dick: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I’d have 15 cents

Jason: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you

Barbara: Actually I did the math, Dick would have $225, not $0.15.

Steph: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)

Dick: while you’re there could you buy me an apply juice please

Steph: Sorry I only have a dollar

Dick: :(

Barbara: correction, Dick would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent

Steph: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice

Damian: You can buy anything you want with $22,500

Jason: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice

Dick: Apply juice to what

Steph: Directly to the forehead

Tim: Great chat everyone

[incorrectbatfam]

Alfred gets sick of Bruce breaking and losing stuff on patrol so he gets a label maker and starts naming items after the kids

Alfred: I got you a new phone, just like you asked. Its name is Jason. Try not to let it die.

Bruce, tearing up: Why would you say that—

[vodrae]

Rich pregnant socialite: So we went to this clinic and let them manipulate our genes so we're 100% sure our child won't have any disease, he will have my hair and his father eyes and so much things we did for him! And you Bruce ?

Brucie: Found em in the trash. Except Tim, he found me in the trash.

[timdrakeismypatronus]

Tim: Okay sex is nice and all but have you ever rediscovered a fanfic you read ten years ago and thought was lost forever?? Jason: um... no? Tim: *nervous laugh* oh haha me neither