#The TL;DR is 'Its fun you can play it'

[curlicuecal]

playing science telephone

Hi folks. Let's play a fun game today called "unravelling bad science communication back to its source."

Journey with me.

Saw a comment going around on a tumblr thread that "sometimes the life expectancy of autism is cited in the 30s"

That number seemed..... strange. The commenter DID go on to say that that was "situational on people being awful and not… anything autism actually does", but you know what? Still a strange number. I feel compelled to fact check.

Quick Google "autism life expectancy" pulls up quite a few websites bandying around the number 39. Which is ~technically~ within the 30s, but already higher than the tumblr factoid would suggest. But, guess what. This number still sounds strange to me.

Most of the websites presenting this factoid present themselves as official autism resources and organizations (for parents, etc), and most of them vaguely wave towards "studies."

Ex: "Above And Beyond Therapy" has a whole article on "Does Autism Affect Life Expectancy" and states:

The link implies that it will take you to the "research studies" being referenced, but it in fact takes you to another random autism resource group called.... Songbird Care?

And on that website we find the factoid again:

Ooh, look. Now they've added the word "some". The average lifespan for SOME autistic people. Which the next group erased from the fact. The message shifts further.

And we have slightly more information about the study! (Which has also shifted from "studies" to a singular "study"). And we have another link!

Wonderfully, this link actually takes us to the actual peer-reviewed 2020 study being discussed. [x]

And here, just by reading the abstract, we find the most important information of all.

This study followed a cohort of adolescent and adult autistic people across a 20 year time period. Within that time period, 6.4% of the cohort died. Within that 6.4%, the average age of death was 39 years.

So this number is VERY MUCH not the average age of death for autistic people, or even the average age of death for the cohort of autistic people in that study. It is the average age of death IF you died young and within the 20 year period of the study (n=26), and also we don't even know the average starting age of participants without digging into earlier papers, except that it was 10 or older. (If you're curious, the researchers in the study suggested reduced self-sufficiency to be among the biggest risk factors for the early mortality group.)

But the number in the study has been removed from it's context, gradually modified and spread around the web, and modified some more, until it is pretty much a nonsense number that everyone is citing from everyone else.

There ARE two other numbers that pop up semi-frequently:

One cites the life expectancy at 58. I will leave finding the context for that number as an exercise for the audience, since none of the places I saw it gave a direct citation for where they were getting it.

And then, probably the best and most relevant number floating around out there (and the least frequently cited) draws from a 2023 study of over 17,000 UK people with an autism diagnosis, across 30 years. [x] This study estimated life expectancies between 70 and 77 years, varying with sex and presence/absence of a learning disability. (As compared to the UK 80-83 average for the population as a whole.)

This is a set of numbers that makes way more sense and is backed by way better data, but isn't quite as snappy a soundbite to pass around the internet. I'm gonna pass it around anyway, because I feel bad about how many scared internet people I stumbled across while doing this search.

People on quora like "I'm autistic, can I live past 38"-- honey, YES. omg.

---

tl;dr, when someone gives you a number out of context, consider that the context is probably important

also, make an amateur fact checker's life easier and CITE YOUR SOURCES

[erebus0dora]

ok so i promised you a rant on Eric Bogosian, and i pinky promise i'll try to keep the story short (those beautiful people i've already privately spewed my fascination at deserve peace and love 💜)

TL;DR: Eric Bogosian is a good researcher and judge of human nature, which honestly shouldn't be surprising given his experience, links below

it is easy to google Eric (i'll call him that not out of disrespect, it's just shorter) and get to a conclusion he's just a slightly awkward old man who had extremely weird youth and gives off a powerful bi vibe just for shits and giggles; which is fair, given the wild way he handles most interviews

but hear me out, i'm not an expert, i'm just a book kind of girl. so i sought out the books, and into the books i looked.

back in 1988 he was nominated for Pulitzer's for his "Talk Radio", and i count that as one of the first cases of him using a real story to weave a (semi)fictional one. it is a powerful play, and a gut-punching movie, but I am mentioning it not because of its ehhh artistic value. in my book, it's a proof of the way he tends to critically re-imagine the things he sees and analyses.

keep that in mind when you google his "Operation 'Nemesis".

he initially started looking into the history of Armenian genocide as into the material worth developing into a plot for a movie. but, in his own words, and i quote, "I wrote this book because I had no choice. The Nemesis story required more attention than a simple screenplay."

he is still not a scientist, mind that - and his book reads as a work of fiction. say, there's no way one can look into the head of a deceased person and know their feelings, but one can guess; and Eric guesses, of course. but the fun part is that he makes educated guesses. nearly for each presumption there's a source. a footnote. a quote.

what really strikes me is that he looked into ONE plot line and fished out a complex slice of history, dripping with CONTEXT. White Russian emigration? it's in there. early stages of oil industry? check. the colourful background of Europe in early XX century? all there.

there's no wonder he spent seven years on this book.

i repeat: SEVEN. YEARS.

call me sapiosexual, but that was the moment when i stopped and thought: ok, THIS IS HOT.

what also impresses me is the way he speaks of his past. he admits he's done wild shit, and adds that the best part was the moment he understood he didn't need to be high to be creative. it's the underlying power of "yeah, been there, got better, SO CAN YOU" that gets me.

to keep things short, i'm adding links:

here's a vid where he speaks of the book on Armenian genocide (i had personal reasons to tear up a bit while listening, ngl)

and here's a vid where he speaks of acting, writing, and improv, that basically broke my art block, for which i am going to be grateful for fucking ever, i guess

(if you got to this point of my rant, you deserve a hug and a respectful kiss on the mouth if you're ok with that. go have a lovely day 💜)

[geopsych]

A conversational post. Last year I had an injury and couldn’t keep up with the garden much to the delight of many species of plants, insects and birds. This year I’ve been doing some cleanup and as I cut away ferns and goldenrod and other plants that have taken advantage of neglect moths and other insects are sadly fluttering up out of their hiding places reminding me that all lawn and garden cleanup is habitat loss.

Sometimes cleanup has to be done for social reasons like neighbors (the area between my garden fence and the neighbors’ fence is full of ostrich ferns but among them are some nettles. Probably if I don’t cut them the neighbors will but if they don’t know what nettles are and grab them gloveless to cut them they’re in for a world of pain. Better I glove up and handle them myself.) My neighbors’ kids play in their lawn and sometimes balls or frisbees land between the fences so they prefer it not to be a jungle or nature preserve in there. Ticks are a real threat here and I don’t want kids to get them because of me.

I’ve also been wading through the mess/habitat eliminating vines. I’ve pulled a lot of bindweed and clematis paniculata down from the lilac. I have to do that all summer or they overwhelm it. Vines are like parasites, using other plants to give them a leg up and then shading those plants with their leaves. Virginia creeper has to be kept down to a dull roar too. Today I found that one of my most beloved native plants, the royal fern, Osmunda regalis, above, was plagued with bindweed. It has enough trouble surviving in this non-woodland environment without vines pulling its fronds down out of the sunlight. I removed each vine gently and am hoping for the best.

But every single thing like this disturbs things, robs living things of habitat, reduces the amount of food that wrens and other birds can find for their growing families, so I try to be thoughtful and try to leave some areas as undisturbed as I can without allowing plants that will do more harm than good to take over. The whole garden grows better if some of it is left wild for insects and other creatures to use.

tl;dr: All yard trimming and cleanup is habitat destruction but sometimes you have to do it. Just be thoughtful and leave room somewhere for nature to do its thing. (If calling it “leaving room for the fairies to live in” makes it more fun, do that. Because after all, who knows?)

[draculasfavoritewife]

Until the Sun Burns Out

Summary: To others, it might seem a prison sentence, but to you, being the Vampire Ascendant's dark consort is a gift sent from the gods themselves.

Pairing: Ascendant! Astarion x fem!Vampire!Reader

Warnings: Reader is a vampire, some toxic-adjacent power play and relationship dynamics, Ascendant Astarion's ego comes with its own warning of course, obsessive love, blood drinking, heavily implied smut and shameless allusions to it, threats as foreplay. Possessive! Astarion.

I am aware that the subject of Ascendant Astarion is one rife with strong opinions, and I am not here to tell anyone how they should feel. However, I have watched a lot of videos and read a lot of interviews with Neil and found his take on the Ascendant path extremely compelling and interesting, and to be fully transparent this kind of dynamic is what got me into vampires in the first place. I recognize the Gothic romance genre is not for everyone, but personally, a deeply obsessive vampire lord is my ultimate fantasy. Happy reading if you do continue, no worries if you don't :)

tl;dr -- my inner Gothic romance nut came out to play and had WAY too much fun. If Gothic romance isn't your cup of tea, this probably won't be either.

You get lost in the mirror for an eternal moment, just as you do every morning. 

Time has passed, so you’re not terribly surprised by your own subtly changed appearance anymore — in fact, your sense of vanity practically purrs with satisfaction at how well your face took the shift to ruby-tinted irises and longer canines. They give you an aura of otherworldly strength and allure that you have to admit you like, but after the first week or so of seeing yourself like that, the novelty wore off a bit, as it would for a new haircut. 

No, it’s still the wonder of seeing him. 

You’ve seen him every day since you met him, of course, but the reality that he’s there now, captured in the reflective surface with you, is still enough to take your breath away. To watch him as he stands behind you, his cheek against your throat and his lips caressing your bare shoulder, his arms like a marble statue’s, graceful and white, wrapping your body and holding you as close to his as two beings can possibly be, it’s enthralling. 

Miraculous. 

Real. 

His silvery curls have not yet been painstakingly arrayed for the day, and they spill over you in a profusion of silken dishevelment, tickling at your face and neck, merging with your own hair. He, too, glances at the picture of the both of you in the shining surface out of the corner of his eye, blood-bright gaze almost obscured by that fringe of thick ebony lashes that so many envy. Hands that always find the exact angle for any locked door and have skillfully teased you to the edge of oblivion countless times lazily try to divest you from the scarlet sheets you hold to your otherwise undressed form, one riding the curves of your waist down towards your thighs, the other testing just how securely the top hem is stretched across your chest. 

“And you give me such a hard time for staring,” Astarion drawls smugly against the place where your neck joins your shoulder. “You little hypocrite.” 

You shiver at the scrape of his teeth and the hint of his tongue; he’s teasing one of the places he used to feed from when he still suffered the constant ache of his bloodlust, and those sacred areas will always be a little extra sensitive from that intimacy you shared for so long. 

“Can you blame me?” you breathe, once you’re sure you have control over your voice again. “All that time, I never got to really look at us, Astarion. It was always only me, held by an invisible ghost. So I could look forever at this. At you and I, together at last.” 

“Mmm. Mephistopheles’s gifts really are to be appreciated.” His hands are more insistent with their cajoling now, black-painted nails digging into the silks draping your body, the only damned barrier between him and what he wants, what he knows you want.

For a heartbeat, you toy with the image of him taking great fistfuls of the sheet, rending the ridiculously expensive fabric into useless shreds merely in order to bare you to his desires once more. 

You have such a colorful imagination, my darling pet, he laughs into the haziness of your still not-fully-awake mind. Come back to bed, Little Sweet, and let us simply indulge each other’s darkest wishes until nightfall…. 

It’s so tempting to consider. You still haven’t fully adjusted to the fact that you no longer have to scrape by just to survive from day to day, that you really can just lie in bed with your lover for an entire passage of the sun if you truly want. 

Maybe you should take him up on that. 

That’s it, my lovely consort, give in to me, and I will make all your wildest fantasies come to life. 

With a long exhale, you reluctantly drag yourself out of the decadent rush of images he’s pouring into your mind’s eye and refocus on the single image before you. The gaze that meets yours in the mirror, most of his face still pressed beneath your jawline, is annoyed now at your resistance. 

“We can’t, my Love,” you remind him lightly. “We’re hosting the midsummer’s ball tonight.” 

“Oh to the nine hells with the damned ball!” He releases you and dramatically sinks back into the depths of your horrendously luxurious shared bed. “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to go.” 

You quickly readjust the sheet around yourself; without the added pressure of his hands on you, it had almost fallen to the floor. Crossing the room, you pull the velvet window drapes further apart, closing your eyes and smiling into the golden rays of the late-morning sun streaming in. 

Mephistopheles’s gifts are to be appreciated indeed. 

“I think people would be a bit suspicious if the Vampire Lord Ascendant suddenly canceled the ball he planned months ago,” you point out, smirking as always at the way he preens for a moment when you use his full title, the vain bastard. “And, if I recall your own words correctly, my Lord, you did wish to ‘lull the witless nobles of Baldur’s Gate into a false security before we inevitably depose and feast upon them’. Have your plans really changed so soon?” 

He hisses in frustration, pointedly looking away from you. “We have all of eternity to stage our grand coup d’état, Dearest. What about what I desire right this minute? Hmm?” 

You turn around at that, struggling to keep a straight face at the way he’s posed in the center of the disarrayed blankets, propped on one elbow, his face still upturned and sulking. His other arm drapes with carefully contrived thoughtfulness across one knee, both of his long, sinuous legs emerging from beneath the covers so that only the bare minimum of him is left to the imagination. 

“Do you want me to summon a painter to immortalize your magnificence in this moment, my Lord?” you tease, leaning towards him, but still not close enough for him to grab. 

His eyebrows lower, and he closes the distance between you, obviously weighing how successful his efforts would be if he pounced right now. “What I want,” he whispers dangerously, “is a little respect from you, my recalcitrant paramour. So…,” and he reaches out, traces a fingertip from the base of your neck up to your chin, “are you going to get on your knees and apologize for that naughty, glib tongue? I can think of much better uses for it than prattling nonsense.” 

Your skin blooms with faint heat at his suggestive words and sly grin.

He draws you closer, until you’re leaning over the bed, until scarcely more than a breath would cause you to tumble forward, collapsing into his lap…. 

And then you pull away, the sound of your laughter dancing around the chamber as he growls and spits at your blatant refusal to comply.

“One day, Pet, you’re going to get in so much trouble, I hope you know.” 

“Oh I’m well aware, Astarion.” You drop your sheet and swiftly shrug into a fur robe. “But as I said, I can’t let you persuade me back to bed today. We have to get ready for tonight, and a certain vampire lord tends to take all day long to dress and do his hair, now that he can see his reflection. You know I speak the truth.” 

“Screw the truth,” he grumbles, collapsing backwards and flinging an arm over his eyes. “Fine, I’ll order you a bath. But don’t forget yourself, Sweet Thing. You’re walking on thin gods-damned ice.” 

You bask in the delicious shudder those words send through your body — threats of "discipline" from Astarion more often than not manifest in very creative hours of pleasure as he teaches you a lesson, and you can’t deny how you crave the confidence his transformation has given him like an addiction. 

“Aren’t I always?” you toss over your shoulder as you leave for the bath. 

“Brat.” 

It takes one to know one, you think to yourself with a snort. 

“I heard that!” he shouts after your retreating back. 

You laugh all the way down the long corridor. 

When you sink into the deliciously hot water, you notice with a flutter of your undead heart that he must have asked the servants for a special addition to your usual bath, as a profusion of red rose blossoms floats lazily on the water's surface, clustering around your body and infusing the air and your skin with their overwhelming perfume.

Roses from Astarion carry a twofold message, as clear and vibrant to you as the deep color of the flowers themselves. An assurance that he’s not truly angry, as he knows they are a longtime favorite of yours, and a promise that the offer of pursuing “darkest wishes” for however long your combined stamina lasts is still very much on the table for later. 

It puts a smile on your lips for the rest of the afternoon’s preparations. 

When he at last joins you in the main ballroom of the former Szarr palace, fully refurbished into an opulent gathering space graced with only the finest trappings that endless wealth could afford, you make no effort to hide your admiration of how splendid he looks in his finery, broad shoulders and slender waist accentuated by a perfectly tailored red-and-gold long coat with a high collar and artfully embroidered scarlet dragon wings spread wide across his chest. Immaculately blended dark eyeshadow and a circlet that rises in sweeping, vaguely ominous arcs on either side of his head make his face even more hauntingly beautiful, and his elegant ears are adorned with your favorite pair of his earrings, the dangling ones shaped like tiny daggers with rubies set in their hilts. 

He holds out a hand to you, and you take it, rising from your seat. 

“You look beautiful,” you murmur as he rests his forehead against yours, a surprisingly vulnerable display of affection. 

His soft lips smooth out from their rakish smirk into a wider, more genuine smile. You know how, even with the near-limitless power he now holds, he still hungers for such simple praise. 

“And you, my precious darling —” he pauses, breathes in the scent of the rosewater that clings to your hair and weaves itself in with your own natural, beloved scent, “— are a vision this world is not fit to contain. Death becomes you, Dearest.” 

You are clothed in deepest black, a gorgeous gown with a plunging neckline both back and front and a high side slit, shimmering fabric that runs over your curves like waterfalls and reveals a rose motif in crushed velvet overlay when the light hits it just right. It fits your body like a second skin; you remember when Astarion had it made for you, how when it came time for the final adjustments, he chased the tailors away with a snarl and performed the necessary gathers and stitches himself, loathe to let anyone else lay hands on his finest treasure in such an intimate manner. 

“I have something for you,” he adds, and opens his other hand to reveal a necklace, a choker of luminous blush-colored pearls strung together and oddly accented with crimson glass beads. “May I? 

You turn, and his cool breath ruffles your hair as he clasps the jewelry around your throat. You immediately understand the design as the cascade of dark red droplets rolls down the side of your neck, the endmost few trailing into the dip between your breasts. 

Like rivulets of blood from a vampire’s kiss. 

Then his lips are beside your ear, one hand sliding up to surround your unguarded throat, the other drifting across your waist. 

“So no one doubts to whom you belong,” he purrs, and your vision blurs for the briefest of seconds at the sheer headiness of having him so close, so powerful and all-consuming. 

“Thank you, Star,” you murmur when he lets you go and you find your power of speech again. 

His expression softens at the endearment you’ve used for him since the early beginnings of your time together. “I don’t know if I want to let you go to this ball at all, when you look so lovely,” he remarks regretfully. “Would you really be so angry with me, if I locked you away in my bedchamber until it was over, so none of these undeserving wretches can bask in your glory? I wish to ravish you myself, and you know how I utterly detest sharing what’s mine.” 

You give him a stern look. “That would make me incredibly angry. I want to socialize. And surely you, of all people, must understand that I want to be seen.” 

He blows a discontented breath out through his nose. “Oh, very well. It was worth a try at least.” After another moment of still seriously considering the immediate risks of throwing you over his shoulder and whisking you away to his personal quarters, he gives himself a shake and offers his arm. “Don’t mind me, my Love. Only thinking out loud. Shall we?” 

You bare your teeth at him as you take it, and he rolls his eyes, leading you up the staircase to where his throne sits overlooking the main space.

“Now now, Sweet. Behave for your master, or I shall lose my patience.” 

It’s entrancing, watching the richest of the rich of Baldur’s Gate mingling below you, dancing couples sweeping across the floor in great circles, men discussing politics and recent news along the sides of the room, ladies sharing gossip and giggling in flocks by the refreshments. The very air is thick with perfume and intrigue, swirling with every shade of color, alive with savory tidbits of the ever-shifting landscape that so defines the upper social scene.

You are rapt, ears perking at each change in the surrounding sounds, eyes flitting from one lavishly dressed form to the next. In your lifetime you had only rarely even seen balls of this magnitude, and you itch to join the festivities yourself now that your rightful place among them is sealed in stone. 

Astarion, however, is making that itch extraordinarily difficult to scratch. He couldn’t be any more bored with the lack of chaos, and as such is lounging in his throne with an air of absolute detachment, the only subject of his attention being you seated in his lap. His wonderful hands are terribly distracting, one stroking up and down your exposed back at a torturously slow pace, the other dancing with light touches across your abdomen and down your thighs. He whispers catty judgments of your guests into your ear with snide laughter, and occasionally squeezes your hip to bring your gaze back to him when he deems it has wandered too long. 

The music stops, starts again, and this time it’s an old song you love, something dark and urgent in a minor key with a beat that almost rushes, and a muscle in your leg twitches involuntarily with the desire to move with the melody after sitting still for so long. 

You hear your lover growl in surprise at the unexpected movement, and the hand in your lap flies up to grasp your jaw and gently but firmly turn your face to look at him. 

“Careful, Darling,” he warns, through a smirk that flashes fangs. “If you continue to writhe about in such a…precarious position, I’ll be giving the idiots down there the kind of show they’ll never forget.” 

His other hand creeps around from your lower back to dip under your dress through the slit, his thumb teasing your inner thigh with an entirely improper caress. 

The music may be loud, but surely even its volume can’t hide you when I make you scream for me…. 

You tear yourself away from his touch before he can coax you any further under his spell, rising to your feet and taking a step away from his throne. 

He snatches at your hand, long nails lightly raking your skin. “Where do you think you’re going?” 

“You’re making me lose my powers of judgement with your delicious threats and enticements,” you inform him, tone dripping with overdone sweetness. “And besides, I wish to dance for awhile.” 

His eyes narrow, but you can tell that your words have stroked his ego enough, and after a long moment of hemming and hawing just to torment you, he releases your wrist. 

“All right, my dear little love. Go enjoy yourself then — gather up the latest gossip, endear yourself to the locals with all of that charm and appeal, and as I said before, do behave yourself.”

He lazily kicks one leg over an arm of the throne and beckons a servant, who swiftly brings him a crystal wine glass filled with a dark red liquid. 

Wine? 

He grins at you and swirls his drink around a couple of times; by the sluggish way the liquid moves, you realize that it’s blood instead. Though he no longer needs to subsist upon it to survive, he still partakes sometimes when his tastes -- and his image -- benefit from it. 

“Aw, are we thirsty, my pet? Want a drink?” He takes an exaggerated sip, staining his teeth crimson and running his tongue over his lips. 

You take a step back towards him, mouth watering, but he nudges you away with his boot. 

“Too bad. Run along and play with your mortal toys now, Sweetheart. Daddy’s had enough of your games.” 

You scowl down at his insolent face, and the first familiar spikes of what he so eloquently calls your bratty streak start to bubble in your chest. “Fine. Enjoy yourself, my Lord. I certainly intend to.” 

As you glide down the staircase, his burning eyes sear into your mind, hard and forbidding. 

And remember, I will be watching your every move. 

It’s been a few hours now, and you’re without a care in the world; even the ever-present whisper of Astarion prodding at the edges of your mind has been dulled by the savor of decadent food and drink, the intoxication of music, and a succession of increasingly skilled dance partners. Parties make for bold men, and even your subtly vampiric looks soon become a temptation, not something to be cautious with. 

You know he’s watching, probably with an ever darker glower at you attracting so much attention, and that fact alone makes your steps lighter and your laugh freer as you move from partner to partner, every once in awhile stealing a glance up at the brooding Vampire Lord on his throne. 

He’s absolutely simmering, you know he must be. 

And that only makes your steadily building ache for him blaze all the hotter. 

A new hand reaches for yours, and when the impeccably dressed man rises from a deep bow, you recognize your old companion Wyll with a jolt of pleased surprise. “Young Duke Ravengard! I’m ever so happy to see you again. You look well.” 

“Lady Ancunín, I presume?” he asks, and despite the fondness in his warm voice, you can feel the dark shadow of doubt passing over him as he takes in your rich attire and the subtle changes that have affected you. 

“I am.”

It still sends a fierce stab of delight through you whenever anyone addresses you by your Lord’s surname. 

“May I have this dance?” Wyll asks, and, eager to catch up with a longtime friend, you accept. 

His poise on the dance floor is every bit as flawless as you remember, and you quickly fall into the rhythm of his steps as he guides you around the entire circumference of the room, the eyes of those around turning to watch, hushed whispers of admiration and rumor immediately starting to fly. 

“So you took him up on his offer,” Wyll remarks in a low tone. There is no condemnation there, not yet, only curiosity. 

You gaze over his shoulder at where Astarion has suddenly leaned forward in his seat, his stare burning holes in the pair of you, the lines of his lithe body all tense, tightly wound and ready to explode at a moment’s notice. 

“Yes.”

Wyll lowers you into a dramatic dip, the red beads of your necklace brushing the floor before he sweeps you upright again.

“So I did.” 

His hand rests between your shoulder blades, warm against your cold skin as he guides you into a twirl, and your vision clouds ever so briefly as the force of Astarion’s anger swells like a violent wave behind your own eyes. You crossly push back against his influence.

It’s a dance, Star. He means nothing by it. 

“Are you happy?”

Wyll’s soft question is genuine, his handsome face gentle with concern. “You seem to fit into this ‘life’ with a certain…naturalness, I must say. But is it really everything you wanted?” 

“Careful,” you warn in an undertone. “Anything I see or hear, he can as well.” 

“I am well aware of Astarion’s ego, and also his fragilities.” Your dance partner holds firm as he flings you out to arms’ length, then pulls you back in, his arm wrapping around you as you sink into another dip. “My question remains. Are you content with this eternity you have chosen?” 

You drop the playful demeanor you've been wearing all night to deeply consider his worries. Is this new life everything you desired for your future once, does it measure up to the foolish dreams of your youth, back when you had nothing but your own courage and ambition to carry you forward? 

The music has dropped to a melancholy, dirge-like waltz, and even Astarion’s presence in your inner mind seems to be holding its breath awaiting your reply. 

Anything you could desire, he is more than happy to throw at your feet. You live in sheer luxury, in possession of the finest clothes you could ever dream up, libraries of poetry and myths at your disposal, any food you might crave set before you at the first hint of your slightest whim. 

And of course him — the rogue you fell in love with, now yours alone for the rest of time, until the sun burns out.

Those were the words he had murmured in your ear the night he took you as his, the night his passions were finally free to overrun you in all their raging intensity, as he made love to your body and soul and you took your last mortal breath shuddering in his arms.

You are his and he is yours. 

Forever. 

Until the sun burns out. 

So your answer, when you smile up into Wyll’s worry-darkened gaze once more, is as sure as the star-studded heavens flowing on in endless grandeur beyond the ballroom's immense windows. 

“I am happy, Duke Ravengard. More so than I could have ever thought possible.” 

The music fades out as the song draws to an end, people applaud the musicians. Wyll releases you, bows deeply, and presses a chaste kiss to your hand. His eyes, when he meets yours, are sad, but he still smiles that lovely smile you have missed seeing for so long. 

“Then I am happy for you, Lady Ancunín. Give my respects to the Vampire Ascendant.” 

Then he takes his leave, and you are left alone. 

You glance up at the throne, and realize it now sits dark and empty. 

Astarion has gone. 

Slowly, the massive ballroom empties out in the hours after midnight. The nobles of Baldur’s Gate leave in clusters, and the chatter that reaches your ears is promising. They all had a grand time, are overflowing with praises of the space and the music and drink, and all in all seem the proverbial fattened geese, suspicions allayed and their unguarded complacency ripe for the butcher’s blade.

The night was a success. 

You wander the length and breadth of the great hall, blowing out the candles one by one. The servants have already extinguished the great chandeliers, and soon you are left in darkness, only the squares of blue moonlight from the windows illuminating the black shadows.

You pause in the center of one pool of light, sensing you are not alone. 

A thick mist has rolled in, creeping along the floor, settling in the corners and enveloping you in a cool embrace. You breathe in a familiar scent, the subtle perfume of bergamot, rosemary, and brandy, and instinctively melt into the very center of the undulating cloud, letting your eyes flutter shut. 

He’s solid again as silently as his misty form came in, holding you tightly, kissing the back of your neck, fingertips trailing down the center of your chest from your collarbone all the way to your stomach. 

“Dance with me now,” he urges in a deep, velvety whisper. “I hate watching everyone else have their fun with you.” 

You smile and comply, and despite the harshness of his statement, he’s so smooth and soft with you, each touch light as a butterfly’s wing, his body melting against yours when he brings you in close. He’s discarded his fine jacket somewhere along the way, leaving his bare torso to be sculpted by moonlight and shadow before your eyes, beautiful and ethereal in that elven way that even undeath couldn’t steal from him. 

“Tell me what you want,” he whispers hotly into your chest as he lifts you, turning his steps so you plunge into darkness and then rise back into the window’s light. 

“What do you mean, my Star?” 

The impromptu dance halts; he gazes down into your face, lets his fingers trace the contours of your cheekbone and jaw. 

“Is there anything you wish were different?” 

You roll this inquiry over in your head for a moment before answering. 

“Maybe one thing.” 

His muscles tense, turning his chest and abdomen to stone. “Tell me.” 

He’s anticipating your regrets, that maybe after Wyll’s prodding you do wish you had never become his dark consort at all. 

“Don’t be afraid, my Love.” You kiss him, reveling in the hunger that desperation has caused in him. “I only think I would like to go out more.” 

“Outside the palace?”

He sounds confused, reluctant. 

“Yes.” You break away from his grasping arms and go to the nearest window, gazing out at the lights of the city stretching on into the distance. “I want you to walk with me down the busiest streets, to catch the startled eye of every passing mortal and make them stare after us in awe. I want you to show me off to all our neighbors, like any Lord does with his Lady.”

Turning to meet his eyes again as he slowly approaches, you add, “I just want to walk with you under the sun, as any lovers might.” 

The sheer relief in his face is an enormous weight lifted from both your shoulders. “Well, if that’s what you truly think would make you happiest, perhaps we shall. You somehow make such a simple act sound almost…enjoyable.” 

You laugh and reach out for him again, and he envelops you in a smothering embrace, a hand coming to rest at the back of your neck, twining your hair around his fingers. 

“Now,” he purrs with wicked anticipation, “are you finally going to admit how eagerly you thirst for me, Precious? I could feel your shameless lust thickening the air all evening long, torturing me with every little naughty glance you tossed my way. I think my little lost love needs to be reminded that she belongs to me, and that there are consequences for straying too long from my side.” 

His deft fingers are already undoing the laces and buttons that hold your dress together, shedding the rich fabric from your body like so much snakeskin until the dewy moonlight fairly glows on the surface of your bared skin, the jealously guarded expanse of worshipped flesh that he and he alone can lay claim to. 

Even your self-control cannot hold fast against him when he undresses you so sensually, and you can’t fully quiet the soft whine that leaves your throat as he backs you up against the nearest wall, lifting you and sliding his hands beneath your thighs for leverage as he nudges himself between your legs. 

“That’s it, Darling, don’t try to stifle it,” he croons as he leans further in to kiss and suck a pathway from your throat all the way downward.

“I want to hear just how much you love the way that only I can make you feel.” 

“Astarion -- ” you try, but you find you can’t remember what it was you wanted to say anymore, as his nails dig into you and he teasingly pricks at the sensitive skin of your inner thigh with hungry fangs. 

“Yes, my Love, that's it, say it — I want them all to hear you crying my name on the other side of this damn city.” 

[ghostly-idiot]

side order was obviously psychological and physical pain for 8 (what else is new) but have you ever thought about how much fun they could've had in certain levels?

mostly with the fact the ∞-ball levels can be a nice session of exposure therapy considering 8 has been an unintentionally traumatized 8-ball murderer for however long they were in the metro (aka: the balls no longer fall!! they're saved!! its a late squidmas miracle!!!!), and also they can occasionally watch from afar as the battering lentos (big boi fishes) somehow solve things while playing with it.

there's also the fact two of the bosses sing BANGERS. absolute icons of their generation. where would we all be without the new idols that are my bois asynchronous rondo and pinging marciale???

also 8 gets to witness the true power of gay moms in the elevator of all places with a very done with life sanitized dj who might as well be their sassy aroace cousin who most definitely talks shit about everyone /j

tl;dr side order is peak comedy at times and fanon 8 should be shown to have at least a bit more fun than ive seen.

imma leave you with this tiktok i found that tempted me to make a character out of the one parallel bobot lookin guy cuz honestly why not

[sammaggs]

4x05 The Ladies’ Man | Details

due South is a show that puts a TON of time and effort into subtle details like set dec, blocking, and framing, which invites us to do close readings of particular scenes in great detail. Let’s examine this scene in Ray’s apartment from The Ladies’ Man with that in mind!

Another thing I find fascinating about this show is its continuity; how significant time can pass between episodes, and it’s up to us to use context clues provided in future episodes in order to piece together what we can about the past; the parts of Fraser’s life that we haven’t been permitted to see. This scene is crammed with context clues.

(It’s worth remembering that John Krizanc, who wrote this episode, is a playwright first and foremost. He basically invented the style of play that would go on to become Sleep No More. The way characters phrase things, where they’re standing when they say them, what they surround themselves with—these things all matter.)

So in order, we learn:

Fraser lets himself in — By this point in Season 4, he has a key to Ray’s apartment.

“You there, Ray?” “Mhm.” — Fraser comes over so often that 1) he doesn’t call ahead, and b) it doesn’t matter if Ray is home or not. Ray doesn’t even feel the need to sit up when Fraser enters, let alone answer with words. This is long-time familiarity.

The Hat - Fraser automatically tosses his hat down on a stool that’s been pulled out from the bar and remains there for this specific purpose. That’s where Fraser’s hat lives when he’s over.

Diefenbaker - The wolf is so comfortable at Ray’s place that he jumps on top of Ray to his usual spot on the couch. Reading Dief as Fraser’s Ego, he bounds into the apartment, directly onto Ray’s LAP before LICKING RAY’S FACE. Okay!

The VCR - Fraser knows how to use Ray’s VCR and his TV remote. Those of us who were alive in the ‘90s know how much practice this would have taken. (Also, hand porn, you’re welcome.)

Seating arrangements — Fraser sits right next to Ray, who sits directly in the center of the couch, between cushions. Cannot be comfortable, but their legs and arms are touching. Their usual spots? Fraser sits ON TOP OF Dief to do this.

“Bark tea?” — Ray immediately starts teasing Fraser about his flirtation with the records gal for information. It’s teasing without intent or malice; Ray knows it was just a front, like Fraser knows Ray’s barbs are just for fun.

“What, I’m a pig?” “No, no, not that.” — This is an old grievance. This is not the first time Ray’s apartment cleanliness has come up. It’s something they’ve bickered about many times before. No, no, not that, not the usual. Something else.

The Turtle - The shot lingers on the overhead here to remind us that the macguffin note is in the VHS case, but also serves to focus in on the turtle sculpture. It’s made to catch your eye, which means we are meant to infer something about it; otherwise, it’s an unimportant, out-of-place distraction from the shot’s real purpose (again, the VHS case). Given what I perceive to be the turtle's Indigenous style, I think this is clearly a gift from Fraser (maybe from the previous Christmas?). He either had it shipped down from a friend up north, or he whittled it himself, and I like to think it’s the latter. Fraser does, after all, think Ray is the world.

TL;DR Fraser is basically living there, oh my god these cops gay, good for them, good for them

[ampblamp]

AU: Here's How Billford Can Still Win

(part 1: make that triangle miserable)

tl;dr: i want bill to have his ability to live in denial about what he did shattered by several important figures from his past BEFORE he can enact weirdmageddon. this way the yaoi can be messy and toxic (at first) but NOT doomed. it's self indulgent for sure but i'm doin my best to keep it IC as i can 🫡

this first post is just me figuring out how i think things would have to go down on bill's end for billford to have any chance of working out. take my hand. come away with me to my autism world

i'm still figuring out all the details of what would have to change to like. weaken bill's mental defenses enough because he HAS been able to shove his guilt down for so long. i do think everything with ford would be one of the key factors cause he had never connected so much with any of his prior human partners and obviously things souring fucked him up enough to have a turbo breakdown. (i know it's also because of the amount of times the plan has failed but i think he's also feeling rejected by so many humans not liking him lolll)

i think his breakdown after getting wasted at o'sadley's would happen like in canon, save for its repercussions. once bill starts thinking about his mom and everyone else from euclydia around when he's about to be arrested, maybe it would open the door for thoughts of them to keep slipping through his defenses. and suddenly thinking about weirdmageddon and hearing himself and other people talking about it could have a chance of triggering him.

i know personally that trauma can jump in and completely drag you back in time regardless of any logic, and i think him having that kind of episode sooner might be the key to getting him to face that he doesn't want to keep repeating what he did to euclydia because it's never going to be enough to convince the small, small voice in his head saying 'stop'.

because that's just the thing. bill has forced himself down a path of destruction to Prove to himself that its actually for the best to tear down "miserable reality" and replace it with his own vision. his drive and impatience to get weirdmageddon going is BECAUSE he wants to permanently cement that narrative in his mind with the ultimate "proof". because if the narrative fails, not only will he not be able to mentally cope (without help) he'll completely fail the henchmaniacs, who he promised a new home, and look vulnerable and weak, which he's TRAINED them to view as what should be destroyed.

i think the o'sadley breakdown and my proposed worsened repercussions of it would destabilize him, but it wouldn't be enough to stop him. what would push bill over the edge in this hypothetical would be several powerful entities from bill's past like the axolotl, the oracle, and time baby working together to somehow target his mental weak point. cause remember, time baby canonically KNOWS bill's weak point.

also like. To Me. the axolotl and the oracle are people bill was close to and has seen himself in at one point* but they matured and he didn't, and that's why he's SO hostile towards them.

*the oracle being an ex-henchmaniac is canon but i say this about the axolotl because of xolotl. look him up, it'll freak your bean.

alsooooo... ford not being as immature and vengeful as bill hoped he was is probably why bill broke down so hard - because it reminded him of the axolotl and the oracle. all the people who he actually connected with on a deeper level have left because of the same reason. but bill was always too terrified to confront everything he's done, which would be necessary to follow them.

so ends part 1... next, i think i'm gonna try to figure out how ford and bill would meet again (haha). ford is sucked into the portal right after (maybe even during?) the whole o'sadley's deal iirc sooo... fun point in the timeline to play with!

also hopin to draw stuff for this AU in the future :]c calling upon the power of my newly aquired ADHD meds lmao

[mc-cookies]

LONG MOSTLY UNEDITED POST AHEAD! tl;dr Eureka’s devs made the unconventional choice to create an imbalanced, volatile, and deadly tabletop combat system, and it helps make the game really good at telling detective stories. If you’re ever making a game that’s inspired by genre fiction, you shouldn’t be afraid to copy tropes that other games don’t normally use. Also, check out Eureka! It’s incredibly fun to read and play, and a master class in thoughtful game design. Full write up below.

One underrated aspect of @anim-ttrpgs’s Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy that I think tabletop designers should look to for inspiration is the fact that it doesn’t shy away from the conventions of its genre, even if they conflict with the conventional wisdom of how TTRPGs usually work. Eureka wants to be a toolkit for mystery stories in the vein of Agatha Christie-style mystery novels, film noir, or detective TV shows like Columbo and Kolchak, and it’s willing to bend tabletop gaming tradition to do that in a way that seems limiting, but actually increases the potential for compelling and appropriate stories.

The example that made this observation come up for me is the choice to create a crunchy, tactical combat system where guns and explosives absolutely break the power curve. Usually, in games that are heavily opinionated about combat and dangerous situations, the goal is for the player characters to fight with finesse and skill, often growing in power over time, and to that end there are many viable strategies that all scale massively as the players upgrade them. This is a great way to allow for fights that feel balanced, larger than life, and satisfyingly heroic. It’s also not remotely what Eureka does.

Eureka’s combat isn’t meant to emulate a modern action film, a high fantasy adventure, or a shonen anime. It aims to emulate the deadly, fast paced, environmentally driven heightened realism of action scenes in classic film noir, and to do that, it’s brave enough to ask its players to change their expectations about what a crunchy combat system looks like. Combat moves quickly, it’s physically and mentally taxing on the people involved, it’s character driven, and it is supremely dangerous. That’s abstract, but it’s pretty clear from the rules about weaponry: any bullet can incapacitate an average person in one shot, and explosives instantly kill people within their blast radius.

That’s of course not the only thing driving the danger of Eureka’s combat — another fun figure is that it only takes ten good punches or kicks to incapacitate or kill someone — but I think it’s a good way to get at the core of what Eureka tries to do: it forces you to consider what options actually make sense and create opportunities for interesting stories.

Eureka doesn’t want investigators valiantly charging across a battlefield to push up against their assailants or anything, because the stories it tries to produce are very grounded in depicting how unlikely that is to work. (If a character in a vintage noir film gets shot anywhere in their torso or head, they aren’t likely to survive without intensive medical attention, and Eureka is faithful to that!) Eureka wants people to scope out the location to improve their strategy, make smart use of ambushes and weaponry to get an advantage on people who threaten them, and run away or avoid combat if they come across someone they can’t handle.

This extreme volatility massively limits the reliability of characters’ abilities and ensures that far fewer options are available in combat, which seems like it would be less fun, but it’s quite the opposite. The action sequences that Eureka produces are incredibly engaging and fun to play out, because it makes smart use of tried and true tropes to make fights in mystery stories feel compelling and relevant. Heightened realism, danger, and desperation are important to mystery genre fiction, and Eureka seeks to put the players in that headspace. Fights are swift, violent, and often primarily decided by who had better plans and supplies. That’s by design.

There are a lot of great interactions that are enabled by this design philosophy — if a mafia goon pulls aside his jacket to reveal a handgun in his waistband, Eureka encourages the players and characters to take it seriously, because using a gun is seriously raising the stakes! That’s a trope that’s commonly used in all sorts of media, but if guns were easy to deal with, it would make no sense to worry about it. Creating a system that reflects how threatening guns can be in mystery stories and real life is a great way to avoid ludonarrative dissonance and encourage genuine character interactions, and Eureka is oozing with other design tidbits that accomplish similar things. (Hell, half the trait list is basically just there to allow investigators to embody classic genre tropes, and it’s awesome.)

(Deadly weapons in Eureka are balanced by the fact that they and the training needed to use them effectively are often challenging and expensive to get, especially by legal means — which also allows for some interesting social commentary on how violence is exceedingly easily enacted by the wealthy and powerful, while the self defense of marginalized people is criminalized and villainized — but there’s enough there for a whole other post, and this one is long enough as is.)

All that to say, if Eureka had blindly gone with the prevailing approaches taken by popular RPGs in this area (and many others), it would not be half as good at what it does — it would just feel like a reskin of some other game, but marketed as investigative urban fantasy. Instead, it’s a wholly original toolkit that lets writers, GMs, and players create their own spins on a classic plot structure in a fun and engaging way. Taking risks, thinking about incentive structures, and comparing the stories you want to tell with other media that creates a similar vibe is what takes an RPG from being just good to being great. If you’re designing a game, you can accomplish a lot by knowing what stories you want to create and honing in on why you enjoy them. And don’t be afraid to adapt ideas wholesale, either. Eureka cites multiple full pages of inspirations for the vibes, stories, and mechanics that make up its identities, and it’s a better game for it.

And, I must add, if you’re looking for a game that’s fun, good at telling stories about people investigating mysteries, has a friendly and active community, and doesn’t funnel money to Wizards of the Coast, a subsidiary of Hasbro, then absolutely consider taking Eureka out for a spin! It’s a brilliant take on the mystery genre that gives players and GMs the tools to explore deep, realistic, and sometimes supernatural situations in an easy and character driven package.

[5pace5prout]

DCAs Connections in Help Wanted 2 Update! (FNAF Theory)

Hello! :) I'm gonna be rambling about the DCA and its connection to the past (before the franchise took form) based on what was shown on the mural that we saw on the old factory.

Again, this is gonna be a ramble (it's gonna be going all over the place, so I may or may not sense (lol)) and most importantly, this is purely speculation (so please take this with a grain of salt!) ^^

Note: This is the first time I'm writing a theory, so bear with me (lol) & feel free to type your thoughts in the comments or rbs below (for civil (and fun!) discussions as we theorize together! :)

So, inside the mural (looking at the upper half) there was the blue rabbit (we can safely assume that it's some form of bonnie) and the golden bear (golden freddy or fredbear, at this point, we don't know which is it or if its something else entirely) but, just above the two, we can see a Sun and Moon motifs on either sides of them.

The Sun motif is positioned on the right, while the Moon motif is positioned on the left. Which makes me (and all of us) wonder, how are the two connected to this blue rabbit and the golden bear ?

To bring up what other theorist have said, many have speculated about a traveling circus back in the day, and from the looks of the bottom half of the mural in hw2's update, it clearly shows that many theorists were in the right direction.

As for Sun and Moon though, many of the dca fans already knew they these were theater boys (or old stage performers) from the way they're dress (seeing as they're jesters, so they've been used for the theater) so, we could likely see them performing with the rabbit and the bear, or separately (maybe on their own stage). Perhaps one (the bear, alongside Sun) would perform during the day, the other (the rabbit alongside Moon) at night (or it could flipflop throughout depending on show/audience). Again, either or, they're somehow connected to both the rabbit and bear within the mural.

However, if you think about them in a symbolic way, Sun and Moon could potentially represent Afton and Henry respectively. Since the two would be working together during that time (in sotm).

So, hear me out. Moon in a way could represent Afton. And what's he commonly associated with? Rabbits. And throughout sb, Moon is under the influence of Vanny, so I found it kinda funny that with this update, Moon is the one who's associated with rabbits (heck, he was in Bonnie Bowl as well, which made me wonder why he was seen there out of all places when you (the player) face him in hw2).

Also in hw2, in the claw machine ending, there are two slight altered endings the player gets. The first one being with Moon and his usual white eye, black pupil, and the second being, once the player obtains the bonnie mask, that Moon's pupils turn red.

Why? Does he now know the player (or the one who we play as)? How does he know the player? What connection does he have to the player, from the moment the player gets the mask?

So, I'm guessing Steel Wool may have trying to establish this connection for a while now (about Moon and rabbits now that we see the hw2 update) but may have been overlooked. Idk, who knows?

As for Sun, he could represent Henry, if Henry is the one commonly associated with bears (I think, correct me if I'm wrong, it's been a while since I've been in the fnaf fandom). So, with Henry and Afton working together, it kind of parallels to Sun and Moon in a way. Light and dark, good and bad.

I don't know if Eclipse will show up in sotm (hopefully they do) but I'll put it anyway. Eclipse in a symbolic sense could represent Edwin, tying the two (Afton and Henry) together to build up their business, just how Eclipse keeps Sun and Moon together in order to function as a unit.

Anyway tl;dr - Sun and Moon (& Eclipse by extension) are very much ingrained with fnaf's past, we just have to put the pieces together to figure it out (like most theorists been doing i guess lol).

That's it! Just wanted to ramble. Again, take this with a grain of salt! :)

[gallusrostromegalus]

AEIWAM: Why DOES the God Machine decay, anyways? It's operating outside of time and space. For that matter, I have Other questions about it. Why does it generate existence in the first place? Does it change its composition over time? Does it communicate with others like it? Did someone make it?

Strictly speaking, there is no reason for life to exist, here or in the fic. This is all just a very fun accident. Life exists in the 4 dimensions we're familiar with not because there is a reason FOR life to exist, but because there is no particular reason for life to NOT exist. I think it's the same in twelve or two hundred forty-seven dimensions. There's no reason for life to NOT exist outside of our understanding of time and space, so there's not particular reason to think it does not exist.

So the life machine exists, not because it was made, but because there is no reason it should not exist.

One thing that does seem to be true across different dimensions (and by "dimensions" I mean "measurable spectrums in which reality can exist", not "Alternate universes") is that death, or at least, entropy *does* exist. The universe we live in will eventually experience heat death. Time unravels under specific conditions and indications are that those conditions will eventually become dominant. All things, even the laws of physics, eventually die.

So the Life Machine dies, because for some reason, all things do.

...But also Things are born for no particular reason.

The big bang happened for no particular reason other than nothing was stopping it (kind of literally). Some people think that the universe will not experience heat death at all, but a dimensional collapse that crushes it all back together, before it explodes again, like a cosmic inhale and exhale.

Perhaps the Life Machine is not dying at all, so much as this version of it is reaching the next phase of it's life cycle, and it departs it's mortal coil not for oblivion but it turns to goop to reform into a body measured in entirely different dimensions.

Which is a bit of an upheaval for its microflora.

The Life Machine generates life in the same way you and I 'generate' the conditions of our intestines that support bacteria. If you ask most people, they do not think their primary purpose in life is to play host to billions of microorganisms, but that is very much something we do, and depend on.

Likewise, the Life Machine is misnamed, because it's got purpose beyond human understanding, like how humans have purpose beyond the understanding of eyelash mites. It's doing it's own thing, we just live here. but if all our microflora and fauna were to leave, it'd be a major problem for us, and if all life were to stop, it'd be a problem for the Life Machine.

In the Tarot, "Death" symbolizes change, and the Life Machine is Dying in the sense that it's definitely changing. Whether that change is the change from caterpillar to butterfly or from whale to whalefall is beyond the comprehension of Mortals, or even things like The Soul King.

Soul King's job is to keep the souls alive through this, and they achieve this by exploiting the fact that this change is also when the Life Machine reproduces. Regardless if the current Life Machine becomes a butterfly or a corpse, it's offspring will have suitable conditions for life to continue. Maybe this is a gift form parent to child- the life machine passes her internal flora to her offspring like a mother transfers her own colonies and antibodies to her child via colostrum. Maybe the Life Machine isn't thinking of it's offspring at all and this is all just the machinations of the parasites to propagate themselves into a new host for the sake of future generations.

Either way, neither action is planned or designed, but are still acts of love from a parent to child. Woman and Nematode alike loves her daughter.

TL;DR: As Above, So below, in the gooeiest and most incomprehensible but deeply loving way possible.

[splatsvilles-fashionista]

So over the week I've been replaying Return of the Mammalians, because I haven't played it since the week Splatoon 3 launched and I wanted to see how I felt about it without the excitement of playing a brand new game clouding my critical judgement.

(spoilers for RotM below, just in case)

That said I didn't feel like it changed my opinion very much. RotM's biggest problem is that it feels like the developers thought of a couple of really cool ideas (The fakeout in the intro, Deep Cut being bosses, the lore in the Alterna Logs, the final fight against Mr. Grizz) and then put them all in the game without really trying to connect them all in a very tangible way, and as a result Alterna is a very nebulous space that doesn't make any sense from a narrative standpoint (if it was a human settlement why is it full machinery and tests only inklings and octolings can use? What even IS the treasure we assemble except "a tool that just happens to solve the current problem?) but only really exists for gameplay.

The story also suffers as a result of this, too. Narratively nothing really happens until the very end of the game, where we end up just kind of stumbling into Mr. Grizz's plot to fuzzify the world right as he puts it into motion. Octo Expansion got around this by using its lore snippets to give the supporting cast a story of their own that unfolded as you progressed through the game, and ultimately it's Agent 8's actions that push the story of OE forward. In RotM we just happen to be there when things happen.

But despite all of its problems RotM also just plays really well. The combination of OE-style shorter trial levels with Hero Mode-styled hub areas you have to explore for levels and secrets work really well together, and those hubs in particular are an absolute blast to dig around in for secrets and open up a little by little. Deep Cut are incredibly fun as ineffectual Team Rocket-esque villains, and the whole final fight against Mr. Grizz is really good, especially the music. I don't even think Calamari Inkantation is especially good by Splatoon standards, but 3MIX is genuinely just an astounding track.

But I think what ultimately makes me feel more positive than negative about RotM is that I think its' thematic undertones actually really work for me. Mr. Grizz's actual involvement in the story might have been mishandled but as a villain he works. I've already written about him a bunch so keep things brief Splatoon has always been about the dangers of clinging to the past, and Mr. Grizz pushes that idea to its limits, because he is the past. He is a relic of a lost age, and he is so desperate to return to the world he knows that he will burn the future and turn back time (metaphorically) to achieve it.

But there's also the Alterna Logs and the reveal that it was human dreams of seeing the sun that drove sealife onto dry land. I think there is a compelling argument to be made that they didn't need to explain any of that to begin with, but I also think the explanation works with everything the series has been setting up on a thematic level. Humanity is gone, and will never come back, but our dreams lived on in the minds of the inklings and the octolings (and the jellies, and everyone else), and while they didn't know why, they reached for the sun together, and by achieving humanity's dreams they earned the right to take our place.

TL;DR: RotM good actually

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I quit my school play?

Tl;dr at the bottom!!

For context, I’m 15f and was just cast in my school play. I had never been in one of my school’s productions, so I figured I’d give it a try and make some new friends (I transferred to this school). I really enjoy theatre, and I’ve been in productions since I was around seven or eight years old; I’m no stranger to it.

Well, it turns out the amount of interest for the school play was a lot bigger than they thought, so there were limited roles. Thankfully, I did manage to get into the main cast, so I was like, yay me (even though it was a smaller role, which I was wholeheartedly expecting, albeit a tad sad about)!

Yesterday, we finally started rehearsals and read from the script once, to get a feel of our characters. I didn’t know much about the role, since it was a lesser known play and all that was in the description for my character was ‘foreign housekeeper’. All I knew is that I’d have to have some kind of accent (something I’m not too good at, but I figured it would be fun to get out of my comfort zone a bit), so I had been practicing some kind of accent at home to try out with the script.

But when I was reading through my lines, I quickly discovered that this was NOT what I thought it was going to be.

My character, putting it lightly, is a blatantly xenophobic stereotype. They are a completely one note character whose only personality trait is, ‘foreign’. She can’t speak English very well, and tends to ‘mix up her words’, which the other characters tend to berate her for. She also never speaks in more than four words at a time, and the script goes out of its way to never have her speak in more than one syllable at a time. It’s disgusting, and I fucking hate it!

Here’s a direct line from the play so you can see one of the worst examples.

MY CHARACTER: No nuts in this house!

CHARACTER 2: Do you realize what you did, [my character]? You put all the words in the correct order! That’s wonderful! We’ve been waiting so long for this day!

MY CHARACTER: You thank.

CHARACTER 3 (and this character is the goddamn LEAD): Well, she’s bound to get things right once in awhile.

It just..makes me so uncomfortable. I want to get out of my comfort zone, but playing this character takes me out of it and places me one hundred miles away in the open desert.

The worst part I think is that this show is a goddamn murder mystery, and my character has no fucking purpose. They don’t even end up dying; they’re just there for ‘comic relief’, and it’s all fucking xenophobia! And at the end, it’s revealed that they’re stealing from their bloody employer.

I also think, based on their prior recorded performances, they’re going to put me a costume I’m not comfortable in…so I’m really considering quitting right now.

Here’s why I think I may be the asshole for quitting.

I technically signed a contract (not knowing about the characters but assuming it wouldn’t be more than a few swears and some sex jokes here and there) that I would play any character they cast me as…so I would be breaking that promise if I quit. There IS an understudy, so I won’t technically be fucking them over with this…but god, I am such a people pleaser that I’m thinking about just sucking it up and playing the part.

My parents told me I’m overreacting on the part and that I just need to ‘make it fun’…but fuck, I just can’t with it. I want to cry every time I’m at rehearsal because I feel like I’m condoning xenophobia with it.

So, do you think I’d be the asshole if I quit the play?

Tl;dr: WIBTA if I quit a show I signed a contract for (although there is an understudy) because I don’t feel comfortable with playing a character that is an xenophobic stereotype?

What are these acronyms?

[don-dake]

So I've been playing around with Cāngjié…

And I thought a post like this (similar to a post on Zhùyīn done by linghxr) may be of interest to some.

Edited: 10 Sep 2023

This post has gotten a little popular lately and on scrutinizing my own post again, I've come to the conclusion that I had made some mistakes in my given character examples.

Amended now. Namely, 「唔」 and 「龍」 have now been swapped over in the examples.

「唔」 is really the “3-parts���, and 「龍」 is indeed a “2-parts” character! Amendments are reflected in orange.

What (and who) is Cāngjié?

For those who may not know, Cāngjié is another way to input 漢字/汉字 (Hànzì — Chinese characters). It is way less popular than Pinyin (or even Zhuyin) but it still has its fans, and has a few advantages over the other two.

Cāngjié is also the name of the mythical figure in Chinese legend who is said to have been the inventor of 漢字/汉字, for which Cāngjié (the input system) was named after.

Would I recommend it?

Yes, if you think you have already acquired a good (enough) understanding of 漢字/汉字, and/or just like a new challenge.

(TL;DR at the end)

Why am I learning Cāngjié (and why you may like to, too)?

1. Mostly for fun.

Have long been intrigued by both Cāngjié and Zhùyīn, and since I finally mustered up the courage to tackle Zhùyīn not too long ago, I thought I'd finally give Cāngjié a try.

While learning Cāngjié does require more effort than learning Pinyin or Zhuyin, it can also be really fun! Inputting 漢字/汉字 with the Cāngjié method is almost like doing a jigsaw puzzle.

The euphoria derived from figuring out and piecing together the radicals that make up a word is something that learning Jyutping (Cantonese equivalent of Pinyin), Pinyin or Zhuyin can't quite match.

And while I know I'll never be as adept with Cāngjié — my knowledge of 漢字/汉字 is nowhere near good enough to ever use Cāngjié efficiently — as I do Jyutping or Pinyin (or to some extent, Zhuyin), it'll still be fun to use Cāngjié every once in a while!

2. Helps with thinking and typing in Chinese.

The upshot of relying too much on using Jyutping/Pinyin/Zhuyin is, I'd tend to think in Roman letters or ㄅㄆㄇㄈ before I'd even think about the actual 漢字/汉字.

But with Cāngjié, because it's based on knowing radicals and joining them together to form actual characters, it'll encourage thinking of 漢字/汉字 first, so I think that would help some with 漢字/汉字 memory retention.

Now you may be thinking, why not just you know, practise actually writing then? That is the tried and proven method to better remember 漢字/汉字 after all?

Yes, of course I can do that — and am doing so occasionally — but we live in a digital age now, and the probability and opportunity to type things out is much higher than actually writing stuff by hand.

The idea here is, more looking to think of and envision characters fully in my head, and trying to lessen over-reliance on Jyutping/Pinyin/Zhuyin.

And this is where I find Cāngjié can be useful, which leads to my next point…

3. Haunted by “What if” scenario.

What if there comes a day (however improbable) where I'm presented with only a Cāngjié keyboard to use for typing Chinese? It has happened with Zhùyīn for me!

That means, no Pinyin or Zhuyin keyboards, no Handwriting tools/touchscreens to write with fingers/mouse, no speech-to-text, and no option to copy-and-paste characters from somewhere else either! What then?

4. Able to type without knowing pronunciation, and with more accuracy.

Cāngjié is shape-based. Unlike Jyutping/Pinyin/Zhuyin, where you have to know what a character sounds like before you can type it out, with Cāngjié, you can type out (again assuming no Handwriting or other tools available) characters without needing to know how to pronounce them at all.

With shape-based typing, you'd also get more accurate hits in the first few 漢字/汉字 that show up, versus sound-based methods like Pinyin where for e.g., typing out “wan” will get you a whole list under the same sound and you may have to scroll through a whole lot to get the exact “wan” you need.

You can also type both Traditional and Simplified characters without having to toggle something or switch keyboards.

So how does one begin learning Cāngjié?

Install a Cāngjié keyboard.

Duh…but of course! Heh! Gboard offers one, banded under Cantonese language input (Android user here, don't know about iPhones, sorry).

There are two versions of Cāngjié that are prevalent currently. Cāngjié 3 and Cāngjié 5. Cāngjié 5 is supposed to be an improvement over version 3 but I don't find there's much; having a slightly altered version just adds to the confusion and unnecessarily complicates matters, in fact!

If you have a choice, I'd recommend selecting Cāngjié 3 as that is more supported. Some operating systems may not be too compatible with Cāngjié 5 still, for some strange reason.

You may also come across something called “Quick” (速成) aka, “Simplified Cāngjié”.

This is simply a scaled down version of Cāngjié, it's still based on Cāngjié's formula. So you still need to know how Cāngjié works in order to use “Quick” efficiently.

You'd then need a chart like this. ↓

* the 重 (Z) key doesn't really come into use. I don't really know what it's for, but it seems to be used (paired with other keystrokes) mainly to type out various punctuation marks.

There are variants out there, some having a little more, or less, radicals shown than in the above example, but I'll say the chart here is one of the more comprehensive ones I've found so far (and sufficient enough) — other charts often fail to highlight the 難 (X) key and what it corresponds to.

You don't have to memorize the chart all at once. Just always have a chart like this on hand to refer to and with enough typing practise, you'll eventually remember which key corresponds with which radicals.

Remember the rules. ↓

“1 part” character (e.g. 寫) = first 3 & last (radical).

“2 parts” character (e.g. 唔龍) = first & last, first 2 & last.

“3 parts” character (e.g. 難) = first & last, first & last, last.

e.g. 寫 ↓

With radicals 宀，丿，臼 (first 3) and 灬 (last).

Corresponding keys: 十，竹，難 and 火。

寫 → 写 ↓

With radicals 冖，卜，㇆ (first 3)，一 (last).

Corresponding keys：月，卜，尸 and 一。

e.g. 龍 ↓

With radicals 亠，月 (first & last), 卜，コ (first 2)，ヒ (last).

Corresponding keys: 卜，月，卜，尸，and 心。

龍 → 龙 ↓ (Simplified 龍 → 龙，a “1 part” character)

With radicals 丶，ナ，ヒ (first 3).

Corresponding keys: 戈，大，and 心。

e.g. 難 ↓

With radicals 廿，人 (first & last)，亻(first & last)，土 (last).

Corresponding keys: 廿，人，人 and 土。

難 → 难 ↓

With radicals ヌ (first & last)，亻(first & last)，土 (last).

Corresponding keys: 水，人，and 土。

Occasionally, you may get a character that looks like a “2 parts” but is actually a “3 parts”. ↓

e.g. 唔 ↓

With radicals 口 (first & last)，一，一 (first & last)，口 (last).

Corresponding keys: 口，一，一 and 口。

Or looks like a “1 part” but really a “3 parts”. ↓

e.g. 奪 ↓

With radicals 大 (first & last)，亻，土 (first & last)，丶 (last).

Corresponding keys: 大，人，土，and 戈。

奪 → 夺 ↓(Simplified 奪 → 夺，a “1 part” character)

With radicals 大，寸 (first 3; the 丶 is the 3rd component).

Corresponding keys: 大，木，and 戈。

But these are exceptions, and don't occur that often.

And you can start practising!

You can try out this pretty good app called 『五色學倉頡』 (learning Cāngjié with 5 colours), for practise. It's on Playstore, just search for “Cangjie Dictionary” and it should show up.

You have to pay to unlock higher levels, unfortunately. ↓

Anyway, each character comes with colour coded hints and you can opt to turn them off if you like more of a challenge. There are also hints (提示) and the chart (字根表) to refer to if you're really stuck. Also has a dictionary component (查字典) to check out the Cāngjié input for characters.

Another option would be a website called HKCards. ↓

You can use it to check the Cāngjié input for any 漢字/汉字, and there's section for practise (倉頡輸入法練習) as well. After inputting your answer with Cāngjié keys (手田水口廿卜), you can click on the “Answer” (答案) button to see how right or wrong your answers were. ↓

There are 8 characters each time, and you can just hit “Practise Again” (再做練習) to refresh for another 8 to practise with. I've yet to hit a limit.

Unfortunately, this website has lots of ads popping up. And it only supports searching in Traditional characters (Cāngjié was initially catered more for Traditional).

Or you can just try practising randomly with a Cāngjié keyboard and check for mistakes with a Cāngjié dictionary (『五色學倉頡』 app's dictionary comes in really useful here — it appears to support searching in Simplified too).

TL;DR

Cāngjié could be useful (and fun) to know if your 漢字/汉字 knowledge is already adequate, and/or you just like a new challenge.

And if watching videos is more your thing, here's a really helpful YouTube tutorial on how to use Cāngjié (has English subs)!

[nochangeintheplan]

Thank you for saying it— that the yakuza games lately have been more meme-y, I hadn’t been able to put a word to it, but I’d noticed something was off as well and that they haven’t felt the same :/

I don't want to be too much of a hater since I wish to Let People Have fun but lmao. Putting most of my rambling below the cut.

I can't really verbalize it very well myself, but in general, my preference for the wild stuff is more the ridiculousness of the soap opera drama and playing it completely straight. (Even though it's guys on top of a tower tearing their shirts off to pummel each other over their conflicting ideals and symbolic tattoos)

I think post Yakuza 0 they've been increasingly making things goofier to different degrees. I do like silly, and I do like 7- but it's just a different kind of funny/whacky. I was fine enough with it with Ichiban I suppose because he's a different guy, this was a passing-the-torch thing, as well as a clear shift in just how the games work- but I just don't know about it for the Kiryu saga characters. There's a lot of embracing that it's a wild videogame in the more recent installments when the older ones were more trying to resemble yakuza films.

It feels like there's an increased awareness within RGG of their reputation as the crazy-zany studio and its affected some of the charm of the weirdness now that there's an expectation of it. Even the subs seem to reflect this; they always made extra jokes but IW even more so the subs were leaning into comedy even harder than the actual JP language dialogue. Felt like abridged/improv at certain points. I can't pretend like I know what's going on at the studio though, this is just a vibe based on how I've been feelin' for a bit.

TL;DR I like the cinematic over-the-top soap opera energy of the Kiryu Saga and haven't really been into the zany videogame vibes lately. It's clear though that the majority of fans prefer the latter; I hope they have fun w the game genuinely. I hope I can have fun with it too, but for now I'm just :I

[jack-kellys]

would u change anything about the jack and crutchie dynamic? how would u portray C? i would love to see a production where hes a little less sunshine and a little more realist (which i think uksies did well) buttttt i know thats your man so gimme some thoughts

- @we-are-inevitable ✨

how ~i~ would direct crutchie. ooough. major. hi again jac

give me some newsies issues and ill. i'll-

so i would cast him a year older than jack, or like. he turns 18 a few months before jack or smth. he just seems to understand things already that jack's whole arc brings him to at the end of the show. "I don't need folks. I got friends." takes jack two hours and a fifteen minute intermission to figure that one out. brotha.

i think making crutchie the only guy in the play who really knows what and how things are going to happen is really... just. makes him interesting. his sense of self-awareness, his personal knowledge of who he is and what he stands for- the wild thing abt him is he already. knows. crutchie stands for his friends. it's why initially he isn't for striking ("let's hit the streets while we still can") bc he knows any other action is going to get his friends hurt... but it's also why he's good with it pretty soon after- well, if they are gonna do this, he's not letting his family do it alone/without him... even if he knows what's probably going to happen to him afterward. give me a crutchie with foresight who doesn't ignore it, per se, but whose moral backbone refuses to make him a coward. (its why he and davey r like🤞🏼 to me.)

i would also let him fight. in the fight choreo. he's winning to morris delancey i do not CARE. i'm having the reason he gets caught be him shoving the jacobs out and away. because crutchie already knewwww. from the moment of "you mean like a strike?" what was goin down.

(i would also make the "romeo! finch!" not be a reaching out, but a "get the fuck out of here" wild gesture. as long as crutchie takes center, no one else is getting hauled through downtown in a police wagon.)

i also think that whenever race makes his little comments to davey crutchie is the one gesturing for him to back off, bc i think it's fun when racer and crutchie butt heads and i rly adore crutchie seeing davey and knowing his potential like. immediately. i think i'd have them be talking a lot in staging it- uksies does this already if ur looking for it, but it's so key to me.

tl;dr, crutchie is the most experienced person at the lodge, and i think it should show. and also like. u can debate me on that? that jack's more experienced or is portrayed to be since he's the leader, but... tell me why jack learns friends are equivilent to family when crutchie knew that shit at 00:00:00 in the musical. lmk. crutchie has almost prophetic knowledge in his brain ok he knows newsies the musical as well as us. i think that's fascinating.

also this is unrelated but the way matthew duckett uses the crutch as a true extension of himself is unlike any crutchie we might ever have again. go watch the boot again and just watch him. he points with it, gestures with it, sits in interesting ways, like. his comfortability with his body is smth crutchie needs to have bc he knows himself, more than the rest know themselves. im so serious.

[lavend-ler]

BORDERLANDS: DEBT OR ALIVE BOOK REVIEW

I have read the new Borderlands book Debt Or Alive. I did not like it. In fact, I hated it so much I needed to pour out my thoughts in this review. It’ll be very long, so bear this in mind while reading through it because it’s been a while since a piece of media has made me this angry.

There will be spoilers to ALL of the book so you’ve been warned. I am going to analyze this book very thoroughly so everything that can be spoiled will be spoiled.

TL;DR – I hated this book. I accept Borderlands 3, I think it’s fine and I really like aspects of it. I wasn’t enthusiastic about New Tales From The Borderlands but in the end, I thought it was fine. But Debt Or Alive? It’s probably the only piece of Borderlands media that I won’t consider canon from this point forward. Half-assed story with shallow characters and ham-fisted message which retroactively ruins the events of the game(s). Don’t buy it, don’t waste your time on this just to see the worst version of characters you love.

A more detailed review will be under the cut. It’s over 10k long.

1. Tales From The Borderlands made even worse

I have a complicated relationship with Tales From The Borderlands. I think my best friend had put it in the best way – Tales From The Borderlands is good when you don’t think about it for too long. For me, it’s a fun game to play once every 4 years, remember the story and move on. The more you think about it, the more apparent the cracks get and the worse it becomes.

Debt Or Alive REALLY makes you think about Tales From The Borderlands in the worst way possible.

I have always thought that Fiona’s part of the story is weaker than Rhys’. It’s told in a way that sort of meanders until it’s reached its conclusion. The first sin Debt Or Alive commits is that the ending of Tales is its beginning. What should be the conclusion, the nice ribbon to tie the story is now the jumping off point. In my opinion, it’s always a terrible narrative decision to make your sequel start where the story left off. It always implies the fact that your conclusion is meaningless and that your characters didn’t learn anything. To write a new story, you need more challenges which also means that characters need new struggles. In Debt Or Alive’s case, it means that everything that happened in Tales isn’t worth a thing.

To me, nothing was more apparent of it here than the Vault scene. The Vault of the Traveler grants a wish to everyone who steps there. The Vault should be the conclusion to what we know of the characters and sort of “off screen” this happens to Rhys. We see Fiona hear that Rhys wishes for Atlas and that’s the end of his story in Tales. Though I will touch upon why I didn’t like this later, it does make narrative sense, he was supposed to be more independent and choose his own path instead of following others. It’s a ribbon that ties to his character in Borderlands 3 and New Tales From The Borderlands.

Then it’s time for Fiona and… Oh, yeah. What would SHE wish for? Throughout Tales, we see Fiona evolve as a character from the ragged con-artist who wishes to just go by, to the independent and certain Vault Hunter. Or do we? Yes, there is a moment in which Sasha dies which would be traumatic for Fiona but she’s from Pandora. She should know the dangers of living and instead, she should be happy that she came back as the hero. In the ending of Tales, we can hear Fiona say “This [Vault hunting] life…suits me” so she already reconciled the danger and in fact, she welcomes it. But to make this half-assed story be a thing, we have to disregard this entirely.

So in the Vault, Fiona is given a chance to wish for anything she wants. What does she wish for? Nothing, actually. Presented with an opportunity of a lifetime, Fiona has no idea what to wish for. I can’t even begin to tell you how bad of either an opener or an ending this is for her character. For an opener, we have a protagonist who doesn’t know what she wants and where she needs to go. Sure, it’s a start for an arc but not for Fiona who already DID have it. It’s an arc she had earned, so why would she have a restart and go through this all over again? And as an ending, it’s a terrible reminder that Fiona probably didn’t learn a thing. The time in the Vault was for nothing, Athena didn’t teach her anything. Burch doesn’t know his character well enough to think of anything for her to wish for.

Hence the whole journey moving forward truly is just a bad rehash. If Fiona didn’t learn a thing about herself and needs to do it again but worse, what’s the point of this story? To see her come to the same conclusion as she did at the end of Tales but worse? The answer is yes. As this story suggests Fiona is a protagonist who doesn’t know what to do with her life and just wants to protect her sister and that’s all. Which is the exact same point her character was at, at the beginning of Tales.

Actually, why did the Vault have to grant wishes, anyway? It doesn’t make sense for neither Fiona nor Rhys and even later, Gaige cements that this didn’t have to be the case. Part of the charm which Tales From The Borderlands brought was the story of everyday people. This wasn’t a story of glorious Vault Hunters with great stamina and luck, who chose the adventure for the guns and glory. This was a story of a middle manager and a con artist, two unremarkable people who were basically forced onto this adventure from outside forces and because of their will became heroes of their own stories. It’s a story of normal people who have made their own self-made destiny.

Debt Or Alive, of course, scoffs at this idea. Rhys’ Vault wish for Atlas makes no sense as he already has Atlas and already probably works under this trademark. It doesn’t mean a thing that he wishes for the whole legal action thing, when his character progression to have Atlas from Jack would be so good. But no, it’s cosmic power that grants him that wish fully. Fiona too, she was supposed to be a self-made Vault Hunter but in the end (or the beginning), she rejects this and doesn’t know what to wish for. Just an absolutely horrible way of planning out her character. No one wants a passive character and this is what this story makes Fiona to be – a bystander, rather than an igniter.

I also want to point out that the events of Tales and characters she meets are truly nothing but cameos. A big part of Fiona’s story was gaining independence when her father figure Felix turned out to be a snake who sold them out. Within Tales, it’s very clear that Felix was abusive towards Fiona and Sasha, forcing them into roles they didn’t want, favoring Fiona and making them live such a strict life, they thought it was the best they could get. Of course, none of this is ever touched upon in Debt Or Alive. It’s never mentioned that Fiona is an abuse survivor and how it would shape her as a person with her protectiveness and willingness to give up greatness for simply “good enough”, and being held to impossible standards. There are also barely any mentions of Athena and their time together. At no point does Fiona use tactics she had learnt from Athena or recounts their time. Those are passive mentions which make Fiona look like she didn’t learn a thing.

My own ribbon that ties this section will be the funniest thing that for me exposes how much Tales is made worse. Tales From The Borderlands is a game in which choices DO NOT matter. There are no consequences and each choice will yield the same outcome. Again, it’s just meaningless and it’s so funny to me that this book wants to wink at the audience becoming a “choose your own adventure” book in two sections, which both lead to the same result. It truly does not mean a thing.

2. Anthony Burch cannot write women and Fiona’s character assassination

Anthony Burch cannot write women. This is a fact that I wanna point out every single time I can because it was never more apparent to me than in this book. Let’s start with women in Borderlands and the stories which he had written for them. Maya has a good theme but falls flat when she’s only an object for Kreig to lust over. Nisha is Burch’s sexual fantasies coming true in a gross way. Athena in Tales is made only stone cold, no-fun character who is a liar to someone who loves. Janey in Tales is made to be an overbearing girlfriend trope but it’s progressive because she’s a lesbian. Vallory is a collection of tropes. So on and so forth.

Hence right from the beginning, I was very skeptical of a book by Burch which will have the most female-driven cast in all of Borderlands. My skepticism was proved not only to be right but also that it was much worse than I had realized. Because I haven’t even shown you the issues of Fiona and Sasha and trust me, there are some even in Tales. However from Tales I could very easily tell you what character traits Fiona and Sasha have and what differentiated them.

Fiona, as described in Tales promotional material is a con-artist with a heart of gold. She has been raised on streets, she loves money and she has a silver tongue to get out of every situation she’s in. Fiona also cares about those she loves a lot, as an older sister she can get overbearing but her situation in life made her realize that it’s justifiable. She can also be a nerd, she’s curious and fun, likes to joke around. Sasha is a character who loves danger far more than Fiona. She likes guns and has great knowledge of them, she’s more a doer than a talker. Sasha doesn’t want the con life and longs for something tangible, rather than just be a prize in the books. She also has an inferiority complex, due to Felix’ abuse which she masks with her forwardness and action personality. She shines through when she can do things she loves, becoming headstrong, honest and independent.

Do you really think we’ll get any of this in this book?

The answer is no and it’s very easy to tell it right from the start. I know I keep getting back to the Vault scene but trust me, this is the culprit from which I knew this book will be a failure. In this scene, Fiona doesn’t know what to wish for, so she “wishes” that Sasha was there. This wish is granted and it’s now both sisters in the Vault. From this you can see the issue – this book does not treat Fiona and Sasha as separate characters. They ALWAYS have to be together, always mention each other, they’re basically never given a room to breathe because whenever a scene calls for just Fiona or just Sasha, their internal monologue will keep mentioning the other.

I can’t even really make a case for either of the characters individually because this book itself makes such a bad case with them. I’ll give it my best shot because when these moments occur they are, well, bad. I’ll start with Sasha because I have less to say since the book itself had less to say about her too. There is a certain moment in which Sasha, being tired of Fiona’s carefulness, goes Vault hunting with Gaige. I was very happy at this, since I have shipped Sasha and Gaige before and I thought their personalities would mesh well. Yet, in this particular instance, Sasha isn’t enjoying anything regarding Vault hunting and the danger, while constantly thinking of Fiona. Why is that, why wouldn’t she be thrilled for the adventure and getting to know another person like Gaige more? They could bond and start a friendship but in the end, they barely talk and Sasha isn’t into it. Even guns don’t excite her that much. What happened to her?

I think even her reflections towards life after death are very much shallow and omitted. We get a sense of it, we get that Sasha is terrified that there’s nothing when she dies but we’re not given anything of it. I figured this would be her turning point, that Sasha will realize that if there’s nothing afterwards, it’s best to live her life to the fullest, going on adventures, not wasting chances. But nothing like this has happened. Sasha doesn’t enjoy Vault hunting, she shrugs at guns, she can’t have her own fulfillments, her relationship with Rhys is wishy-washy. You’d think that with sudden realization of death, Sasha would have a breaking point and start thinking if it’s all worth it and how her life should now be like. But that would require interesting philosophical questions that Burch doesn’t want to answer. Not when they lose the life-giving crystal, nor when Sasha dies a second time when she chooses to. It’d be such an interesting discussion of the meaning of life, how Sasha approaches life and what it all means to her but no. Not given any thought to this. At the end it’s not even unique to her as Fiona dies and is brought to life too so again, no point.

Another faucet to her character is the on and off relationship with Rhys and just… I was never a fan of shipping Sasha and Rhys together and this book reminded me of it in the worst possible way. Sasha is disinterested with Rhys’ world and they never mesh well together, having such different goals in life. She doesn’t even want to acknowledge their relationship, leaving Rhys to look like a sad wet sock (more on that later). It’s described how she’s used to acting a certain way and that’s fair, that’s a huge roadblock in a relationship. But we never see this roadblock get pushed. Sasha at the end of the book is still terrified of the potential relationship and doesn’t want this. We only learn that one time she calls him her boyfriend off screen, which is just such a cop out I can’t begin to describe it. I’m so sorry, Sasha, you deserve an actual relationship not just Burch’s fantasies.

So I move to the main character of the story, Fiona. And oh god, how badly has Burch treated Fiona, words cannot describe it but they will try. From the beginning, we see one of Fiona’s traits be amped up to 11 – her protectiveness which turns into overbearingness. Constantly, we are reminded that Sasha died and Fiona can’t forgive herself. Which is fair but again… We saw her happy and fulfilled at the end of Tales. But since Tales doesn’t matter and probably it’s better if it didn’t exist, it gets shrugged off. May I remind you, this book starts right as Tales ended. Which is a year later from the start. Which means Fiona is 30 and Sasha is 25. Their actions do not portray two characters of this age, especially Fiona’s towards Sasha’s.

Look, I’m 24 and I have a sister who’s 33, so close-ish range to them. If my sister would do the things that Fiona did to Sasha I would be pissed off as all hell because guess what, my adult sister does consider me an adult woman. Unlike apparently Fiona and Sasha. Because for Sasha’s “safety” Fiona puts her into a fucking jail on a planet they do not know, just towards her “safety”. Yes, it’s regarded as dumb and wrong in the book and that Fiona knows that Sasha would pull through but it’s just mind boggling to me that Fiona would even do that. She should know her sister. But then throughout the book we see Fiona acting like know all be all authority to her, constantly second guessing her actions and opinions and being completely overbearing. I’m sorry but her apology at the end doesn’t make it remotely okay to be so controlling of Sasha.

I guess that’s the point. In my opinion, this book is a character assassination for Fiona. People will whine and moan over how Rhys got ruined in Borderlands 3 and New Tales but no, I had and will always disagree with this. But Fiona in Debt Or Alive? Burch truly showed how he has no clue how to write female characters because she is completely ruined here. None of her actions make sense, neither do her choices, the little character she has is so unlikeable and I just can’t believe he thought it was all good.

The best way to show you how Fiona got ruined is to have a little overview of Fiona as a character before and her background. She is a Pandoran, born and “raised” there, through the life of crime and bribery. Her biological parents died, she only has Sasha with her. Thus she feels responsible for her and their wellbeing. Fiona also had Felix, a man who brought her and Sasha with him and raised them in a very abusive manner. Fiona all her life had lived in poverty, struggling to get by with her cons, constantly having Felix make her think she’s responsible for the failures or successes of the group all on her own. She lived in a caravan, she barely had any money to her name. She’s no stranger to the climate and cruelty of Pandora, having lived there all her life, though she herself prefers the “word” combat.

Got it? Well, now forget it because that’s what Burch did in his book.

I know that wealth can change people, I really do and the sum of money Fiona and Sasha received is enormous. What I don’t understand is that they both did a complete 180 on their perspectives. I do realize that living in poverty all their life, Fiona would start spending money on dumb things but to hammer home this fact, Burch tries really hard to show us how dumb some of the purchases are. But would she really act like this in this setting? First, it’s hard for me to believe that she would willingly move to Eden-5, seeing the corrupted system and life in which it operates. It’s just Pandora but with chrome paint on it. Yet, Fiona doesn’t see red flags and just continues on living, buying dumb shit. We don’t learn anything new about her through this either, it’s just a dumb thing after dumb thing. Why couldn’t it start with things that she really wanted and then move on to unnecessary things? I think it’s because Burch couldn’t even establish what her wishes would be from Pandoran times.

What also made me just want to throw this book away was that it took Fiona around 200 pages to realize that people who work for her are also bound by debt. It’s such a nearsighted thing, I cannot believe that she would do it. Especially since I think we’re led to believe that this book happened in the span of 4-5 years. For Fiona to be this bound by greed and wealth doesn’t fit her character at all. How could she just not see that people who work for her have been tortured by poverty? Up until this point, Fiona lived in poverty herself, she should KNOW that this is a thing people struggle with. Not to mention, in the book there are talks about how people have multiple debt cuffs on them. It’s unacceptable that Fiona wouldn’t care about those who were beneath her. And if she really did, do you think this makes her character any more likable? And do you think that her turn around is a moment of triumph when we’re led to believe she ignored those people for YEARS?

I think the story itself just makes you shrivel at one moment in particular. Fiona purchases a sapphire kitten, which shatters. Classic Borderlands humor, right? This moment truly disturbed me but not in a way that Burch wanted but for the implications. Fiona spends money on bullshit she doesn’t want just to have it. Who else spent money on unneeded bullshit just to show wealth? Handsome Jack. And when you’re comparing your hero to the most vile villain from the series, I don’t think it’s a good sign. Especially since in canon Handsome Jack loved and cared for Butt Stallion. Unlike Fiona.

Even the breaking point moment of Fiona, the destruction of Rustville, felt shallow. Reading this, I couldn’t help but to go back to the moment of Helios’ destruction in Tales. It was such an incredible moment for Rhys, seeing the destruction of a place that was close to him, death of people who he knew and respected. And seeing this “reprise” of sorts with Fiona just felt shallow. At this point, Fiona was in Rustville around 3 times if I can recall? She met people but didn’t form any meaningful relationships (because Burch doesn’t want either of the sisters to have meaningful relationships besides each other) or got to know anyone better. These were all one off interactions with random people. Unlike Rhys, it wasn’t Fiona’s choice to destroy Rustville. It was only an act that she maybe sort of allowed to happen but it was an action of one rich woman. Fiona had no agency in her actions, there was nothing she could’ve done to neither prevent it nor cause it. Thirdly, Fiona is a Pandoran. She should know the carnage, death and destruction, as it is ingrained in Pandora’s system and society. For her to act so devastated and shocked, it simply doesn’t make sense.

Another thing is that this story really dumbs Fiona down, to the points that I couldn’t comprehend how dumb she was. She goes alone to Tetanus Wilds, even if with Sasha she’d have more chances. Especially since she was going to Gaige’s stash and let’s be real – Sasha knows guns, Fiona does not. Fiona goes to destroy Rustville without any weapons and without any protection which of course results in her basically getting killed. Fiona takes a leap of faith thinking she’d die in the ditch but forgets that Deathtrap can fly and catch her. How would she forget if she was tinkering with him before? The same way she’d forget her weapons it seems.

I also wanted to mention how it always made sense to me that Fiona and Sasha would have a falling out in some part of the story, so both of the sisters would become independent and chase their own destinies. It would require Burch to stop thinking of them as a singular character, which does not happen. This part in particular made me especially angry. A skilled writer would make Fiona’s overbearingness and constant promises to be a start of Sasha realizing she needs to live her own life, Fiona as well. Anthony Burch is not a skilled writer so nothing of such happens.

Within Debt Or Alive we don’t learn anything new regarding neither Fiona nor Sasha. We are spoon fed information that we already know, seeing characters we love either devolve to their pre-Tales state or make terrible, nonsensical decisions. There are no moments in which  either of the sisters can breathe on their own. They are thrown into situations where something just has to happen. Thus, we don’t learn anything about them as people.

I also want to point out that the writing of Gaige is fine. I’ll talk more about this later but she truly was fine and I didn’t see issues with how her character was carried. Granted, I think it’s very hard to screw up writing Gaige but it’s Burch, he can do it all. I’m still sad that she’s a lonely outcast like in Borderlands 3 but in general, I didn’t have issues with either her writing or the story.

3. There will never be another Handsome Jack and the death of a good villain

Some of you have already started to roll your eyes at the mention of Handsome Jack but trust me, I have a point here to make. Whenever you hear people talk about Handsome Jack a special kind of sentence emerges – a villain you love to hate. I think this sentence is a great guide to creating your villain so that they’re impactful, fit the story, be likable enough to want to be with them but you’re happy when you get to kill them. And nothing made me feel like it’s a craft long gone than reading Debt Or Alive.

Countess Holloway is a nothing villain. She truly doesn’t represent anything and I can’t tell you anything of what she is as a person. Actually, it can boil down to one sentence – she’s rich and she’s evil. That’s all there is to her character but I guess it goes to show that even then, Burch cannot write women.

Going a little deeper, we gotta discuss the parts that make a good villain. I’m sorry for the comparisons to Handsome Jack but we really need to talk about what makes him great and what makes Holloway shallow.

On the surface level, the points are there. A villain needs to be connected to your heroes in a specific way, having an impact on their lives. Holloway does meet that quota, as she’s not only the motor for this story but also is actually the reason why Fiona and Sasha got rich in the first place. She is a vain person, who loves to live for shallow things and doesn’t care about the rest. From this point of view, we could think that Holloway serves as a reminder to Fiona and Sasha of “be careful who you can become” but neither of them have this revelation. Throughout the story, Fiona and Sasha basically do turn into Holloway, yet nothing of it is neither stated nor explored. It’s not a revelation that characters have, it’s what we think when we connect the dots.

When we start to think more, it all begins to fall apart. The key thing that lacks here is motivation. Looking back at Handsome Jack, it was clear how his goals were stated – he was a nobody who became somebody by his charisma and cunning ways. Now he projects his awful world views on others and it’s your job to stop him. There’s also the fact that his daughter Angel works for him and killing her for Jack is the breaking point. You see him be cruel, vain and abusive but you see his more “human” side that does not excuse his actions (I am looking away from Tales) but makes you understand how much of a terrible person he is and how he deserves to die. It’s effective and fantastic storytelling and his personality makes you want to be around him, even if he’s an awful person who deserves to die.

Let’s go back to Holloway and examine her as I described the traits of a good villain via Jack. Holloway’s motivation is that 7 years ago Gaige murdered her daughter Marcie and now she wants revenge on her. This is already a problem, as this is a passive goal. Holloway is presented as an arrogant woman who doesn’t like to get her hands dirty, hence she can’t kill Gaige on her own. Understandable but also she doesn’t seem very interested in it anyway? She wants to kill Gaige but passively. There’s a bounty on Gaige but Holloway doesn’t have a squad to look after her. Wouldn’t it be more interesting if Holloway had people looking for Gaige and when they die she swiftly replaces them with another one? It would be active but instead we’re presented this information as “well, maybe Gaige dies or maybe she doesn’t, idk, it’s alright either way”.

Another point is that Holloway is a very shallow character. In general, yes but in her actions too. What do we really know about her? She is rich, vain, vengeful, powerful and likes to spend money on frivolous things. Sure but that’s so basic you could tell this about so many other villains it wouldn’t make a difference. There is nothing in her nor in her behavior that would be an indicator of any interesting persona or character. Holloway just exists and we’re told that she’s evil. Wonderful character writing, gotta say.

We’re introduced to Countess Holloway in a way that she is the potential buyer of the Typhon DeLeon Vaultlander figure. Why would she want this? We’re not told nor shown. Thinking of it logically, we could say that it’s supposed to show us that Holloway likes to spend money on whatever bullshit she wants, which is fair. But wouldn’t it make it more sense if after the death of her child, Holloway became obsessed with Vault Hunters, knowing the murderer of her child became one? How did she start researching stories of Vault Hunters and think about how much she hates them, which would lead to her gaining knowledge? This way, Holloway could’ve been prepared for the attacks of Vault Hunters and Vault Hunter wannabes, since she would predict it all. Or even set a lure with a promise of amazing loot. Nothing like this happens.

Even the death of Marcie isn’t exactly a driving point to Holloway. When Angel dies in Borderlands 2, you see the impact it has on Handsome Jack. You know he’s an abusive parent yet even within this, he still acts as sort of father of the year type and constantly manipulates you, saying this is your fault. For Holloway, it seemed that the death of her child just happened and yeah, she’s pissed but you know, things happen. She doesn’t mention who Marcie was, even in her shallow understanding of it. It could’ve made a very interesting character bit where she would tell lies about Marcie, as she was more of a commodity to and of Holloway than anything else. Instead, Marcie’s death isn’t really a drive for Holloway, it’s just a thing that happened and she’s kinda bummed about this.

Is Holloway an imposing force, a ticking clock of sorts? No, she is not. We’re told that during all their stay on Eden-5 (again, around 4 or 5 years), Fiona and Sasha are neighbors with Holloway and nothing is done with it. They’re not anxious that she could strike at any moment or that she could catch Gaige. They don’t care about Gaige actually. That’s why Holloway makes a very poor villain in the imposing sense. There’s no impact of hers and her power felt throughout the book, when Fiona and Sasha can happily live next to her and nothing happens.

The only interesting display of her power is during the gala at Fiona and Sasha’s place, where Holloway shows that she can very easily change the whole Elite’s perspectives regarding the sisters. Yes, it’s a good moment for Holloway but it also truly makes me think how shallow she is as a character. First, the fact that Fiona fell for the Claptrap Vaultlander is another testament of how dumbed down she was. Burch, you made a whole joke about how Claptrap sucks at the beginning and how Fiona hates him, the least you could do was to think that she’d immediately throw this away (especially since you’ve established that Fiona is frivolous with her possessions now).

Second, it’s such a bait and switch moment for Holloway and the whole Elite. I get what it was trying to accomplish, it was for us to see that the Elites are stupid and will follow anyone as it goes. But wouldn’t it be better that out of her hatred for Fiona and Sasha she would work behind the scenes, telling other Elites how they are just stupid Pandorans who can’t achieve anything? It could’ve been a carefully plotted plan with instances that the blackmail was happening hinted at throughout the story but that would require the time when Fiona and Sasha spent on Eden-5 to mean something (it does not) and Holloway to have an ounce of personality and planning skills (she does not).

Another thing that Holloway for me lacks is the backstory. To create a good villain you must make us believe that they had a reason to do all that so we can hate them even more. I think in general, Borderlands does a great job with this, with Knoxx, Handsome Jack, of course, Colonel Zarpedon and the twins. But Holloway? We do not know anything about Holloway’s life. It was probably done so the billionaire character is just a shallow representation of this world but it makes for a very boring and one note character. We don’t know how she got this money, if she lived all her life like this and hates outsiders who she thinks are unworthy of this. Or is it a thing she got later in life thus is so cutthroat about this because she doesn’t wanna go back to poverty. No, you just get a one note shallow villain with no motivation and nothing to play off of.

Even her death is such a nothing death too. Throughout the book we see everyone trying to get at her and eliminate her and not succeed. It’s why Gaige is here, it’s a whole moral dilemma for Fiona and Sasha to grasp upon. As much as Holloway is baiting them to do this but calling them cowards and the sisters just lamenting over how they should’ve done this, you’d think Holloway would get her way. Possibly being quite literally torn to shreds by the sisters, Gaige and the poor people of Eden-5. I mean, it’s Borderlands, deaths like these could happen! But no, she just falls to her death. Even Gaige didn’t deserve to get a shot at her, it seems.

4. The themes of why all billionaires deserve to die or lack therefore of

In a now deleted tweet, Anthony Burch describes Debt Or Alive as a book about how “all billionaires deserve to die”. Why he had deleted this, I have no idea and I’m not here to speculate. However, I did not forget this tweet and throughout reading Debt Or Alive I kept reminding myself of itt. It should be the credo of this book, right? Or at least it once was. That is why, I wanted to simply sit down and speculate, what does this tweet actually mean for the themes of this book.

(This screen isn’t mine, I didn’t get to screenshot it when it was up)

I am a leftist, my politics are very much so on the left. My expertise lies in environmental issues and I know less about socio-economics but it’s fine because it seems that Anthony Burch himself doesn’t know much about this. Hence while reading Debt Or Alive, I asked myself the same question over and over. Let’s say I’m a person who likes Borderlands, likes Fiona and Sasha, isn’t too involved in politics and now I read Debt Or Alive – will this book convince me to learn more of the theory or think that all billionaires should die? In a way yes but in none of the right meaning of such speculations.

On the planet of Eden-5, it seems that life is determined by money and social status. Even the smallest crimes (or rather inconveniences towards the wealthy) will result in you getting a debt cuff. The imagery is already very ham-fisted but let’s go forward with this idea. What are the debt cuffs? I can’t really tell you how they work. While reading I couldn’t have deduced how exactly they operate with that premise. 

First thing is that a person can have multiple debt cuffs but it is never specified if the cuffs ever reach their limit in amount of money on it. As we see Fiona and Sasha get their cuffs and then we learnt you can get multiple, it truly got me thinking – how is that possible? How is it possible to get another, if the screens are digital (and they are described to be digital) how can they reach the limit and be forced to get another? In a highly technological society like Borderlands, nonetheless? How are the body parts chosen for this process? Fiona gets one on her ankle (I think, either this or arm, I forgot) but Sasha gets one on her neck. There are people who have so many cuffs they can’t walk anymore. How can they have so many?

Truth be told, we won’t learn anything about the cuffs or how people operate with them. We simply know they are very common and every citizen of Rustville is described to wear one. Even children, in an incredibly not subtle way, are described to wear “debt cuffs 4 kidz!”. We’re told the cuffs are very heavy but people live with them. We won’t learn who manufactures them, who is in charge of the law to give them away. We’re not even told about the ones who have paid their debt without help from Fiona and Sasha.

The moment when the book takes us to debt prison and the guard says there are some prisoners who can’t even walk because of their cuffs, I realized what these truly were. The cuffs were nothing but the least subtle visualization for us for the statuses of Eden-5 citizens. A literal ball and chain to be exact. For me it just serves as a very ham-fisted metaphor for what could’ve been an interesting concept. We could’ve seen someone pay up their debt but the cuff stays on because the Elites don’t want anyone to be free. We could’ve seen Elites wearing some as a “fashion statement”, mocking the suffering of the lower class. We could’ve seen an Elite who has an actual debt cuff and can’t pay it away, resulting in them hiding it from others. We could’ve had anything but the complete disregard Fiona and Sasha had for their workers and not realizing all of them wear at least one.

For all it’s worth, the book has a very black and white approach towards wealth and money, one that is very unusual for Borderlands. Though we get the usual for Borderlands “everyone is an asshole”, we have such a divide between Rusters and the Elites, it’s hard to mistake it for anything else. Because of this, world building suffers with this incredibly. There are only the poorest people around or the richest people around. There is no nuance or a conversation, there is either this or that. Even Gaige doesn’t offer any insider information towards it, even if she was born and raised there. Nowhere does her very outspoken politics mention the structures and Elites of Eden-5 which she should be completely against. And the fact that she knew Marcie and that she doesn’t wear any debt cuffs that are omnipresent on Eden-5 and the fact that Elites don’t want anything to do with Rusters makes me wonder – is Gaige actually rich? Because everything shows this, and if so, great work, Burch on creating a character whose identity is all over the place.

That was my big issue with showing the problems of wealth and social structures it creates. With no middle class, the conversation lacks another point of view. There are either the wealthiest around or the completely poorest lowest class imaginable. With getting rid of the middle, Burch fails to show us how daily life operates and robs us of the potential conversation. Where are the people who chase wealth and fortune? Where are those who would betray their whole class just to have that taste of top dog life? The only thing we are offered in this conversation are Face and Pick (you don’t have to know anything about them), who want to give Fiona and Sasha away for Holloway, just for the money. But that’s treated as a plot twist, rather than an actual plot point and the siblings already paralleled Fiona and Sasha, so there’s no conversation, just a very shallow shock.

Another point is how the Elites are presented to us. The Elites are the villains, of course and just like billionaires in real life, they aren’t good people. It’s more of how they are presented to us or lack of such presentation. Debt Or Alive doesn’t show us insides to the minds of the Elites because frankly, they don’t have any. I do understand that Burch wanted to show that these are stupid, cruel people, I get it, but even in real life, billionaires are stupid but not necessarily unintelligent.

In the book, we don’t see much of Elites, actually. We see them on the gala Fiona constructed and on Holloway’s gala at the end. At first, they are mindless people who cannot think for themselves. They’re either doing what Fiona wants or what Holloway wants. Secondly, they are quite literally used as meat shields for our heroes to hide behind. So in all senses, they have no personalities, either as a group or individuals. I think the biggest crime is that even in their rich years, Fiona and Sasha don’t interact with the Elites. We could see them be cruel to the lower class citizens, purposefully making them do things that would rank up their debt. We could see them spending money on idiotic things which Fiona and Sasha would point out as dumb. We could even have descriptions of Holloway’s house that are garish and grotesque because she has so much money, she doesn’t know how to spend it anymore.

Truly, the only billionaires whose mind we can read are actually Fiona and Sasha. But for this kind of story, you need a strawman, which is absent. I genuinely thought that Gaige could become their strawman but their relationship is so shallow and so one note I quickly realized it’s impossible. In stories like this, usually when the protagonists become rich and get to make stupid, meaningless purchases, there are already signs that something like this is bad. And though there are plenty of moments in which the girls make stupid choices over their greed, it takes them so damn long to wake up from that dream.

There’s also no critique of overconsumption or consumerism in general. It should be an easy task, regarding how Fiona and Sasha spend their money but though we never see the effects on them, for example throwing away new things or we don’t see the workers (besides that one lady) in such conditions. It’s all a very interesting subject that is brushed away at rich ladies’ boredom. Though we are told that these purchases are stupid, we aren’t given an answer to what they should do instead. And the only point of activism Fiona and Sasha do is to finally free the workers from cuffs. Took them long enough.

I simply can’t understand why this plot even had to involve the sisters, since it truly makes them worse by association. All throughout Tales we hear that Fiona and Sasha hate Hyperion and don’t want anything to do with Rhys. It’s a fair assessment, they’re Pandoran and Hyperion destroyed Pandora as they knew it and is personification of greed. So… Why were they so eager to live a rich and boring life? Was their issue only with Hyperion? Even more so, why were they so hateful regarding Hyperions? For all we know, Rhys is just a simple white collar worker who also gets screwed over by the system, yet they hate him for being part of the system even when it’s to also get by. Reading this story, I had a feeling that Fiona and Sasha simply hated Rhys for being a white collar worker and they had no problems with greed and destruction of lives via riches.

The story also really doesn’t want to take sides in this whole debacle. Fiona and Sasha lose all their money and want to start a revolution, killing all the Elites. This thought isn’t given any time to sink in or develop. At some point, the sisters realize no, we shouldn’t kill the Elites because that is how we’re gonna liberate the people, with their money. But then Gaige tells them they’re wrong? It’s very all over the place and the story really doesn’t want to take sides in this. 

That does make me think, what kind of impact will this story even have on both Fiona and Sasha? All in all, it seemed that they didn’t learn anything. They have to be on the run because the Elites want them dead but also they’re still into the riches and spoils of the Vault. Since Rhys is rich now, wouldn’t they not want to associate with him? Or are we gonna play the “not all rich people” card? I love Rhys and I actually like fictional rich people. But while writing a story like this, you have to stick with your principals and make them call out Rhys’ practices, not side with him because he’s one of the good guys. You can’t lead a revolution and then make puppy eyes towards a rich capitalist.

I have left out the discussion of race, because I am white and I feel like this isn’t my place to be talking about this. Don’t listen to me regarding this, listen to people of color. I want to, however, point out that Burch stayed within the racial ambiguity of Fiona and Sasha and their racial identity is not spoken of, while we learn the ethnic identities of two white characters (Gaige and Felix). Not to mention that I can criticize that having two women of color be painted as rich assholes and drawing parallels between Fiona and Handsome Jack who is in canon called a fascist is incredibly insensitive. And within the revolution literally having them be called out on being “outsiders who want to lead revolution that isn’t theirs and they talk over the native people” is so bad I can’t believe Burch thought of this. 

All in all, would this book convince me that all billionaires should die? With its heavy-handed metaphors and subtlety equal to a trainwreck, I truly don’t think it would. It’s a mess of themes and missed chances on having actually said something regarding the fact that billionaires should not exist and that they are vapid people who can’t look out for others. The story is just complicated when those people you criticize are also your protagonists, like Fiona and Sasha here.

We could’ve had interesting stories of class struggle and differences. The Elites could’ve been destroying the land, long before that laser hit Rustville. Destruction of land and resources for people to live is one of the oppression strategies real life rich people do. And just like the environmental issues won’t be solved with only everyday people making a change, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to make things better. Write better stories with better themes. Maybe it’s just a tie-in novel for a game from 10 years ago but it could’ve said something instead of giving us a caricature of a rich person who spends money on little whale serving dishes.

See how I mentioned my passion for environmental issues at the beginning and it came back here? Set up and pay off. Something this book lacks.

5. Writing not just a better story but A Story in general

I am a writer. Sure, I write fanfiction but that doesn’t disqualify what I’m about to say. Not everyone is a showrunner, you need screenwriters too. What is this book if not officially commissioned fanfiction regarding Fiona and Sasha? When I myself am writing a story to explore, I always ask myself what is my theme, what am I building towards. Every story is fundamentally about change, right? That was why, when I stopped asking myself if I think all billionaires should die, I started asking myself – what did I gain from reading this story? What did the characters gain from this story being told? The answer is actually nothing.

Some of you probably had thought “this is just a tie-in novel to the games, it’s not supposed to be high art” and I agree with this but it is supposed to be art, no matter what. You could’ve said the same thing about the original Tales From The Borderlands, it’s nothing but an addendum to the main stories within the Borderlands. Yet, it moved a lot of people, inspired them, wanted them to create and follow the stories of these characters. For years, I’ve seen people longing for a story of Fiona and Sasha post Tales and this is what we get. Maybe in this regard Debt Or Alive is a high art, since it’s been making me nothing but angry these past couple of days. Or maybe it truly is a nothing piece of art, since at the end of the day, the feelings are just of shallowness.

Coming back to the fact that every story needs change to be worthwhile, I mean it even in the smallest of sense. It doesn’t have to be a huge change, but there has to be one no matter what. After I read Debt Or Alive I realized there was completely no change involved in the process. We start this book with Fiona and Sasha not knowing where they are in life and at the end, they decide to be Vault Hunters. You can say it is a substantial change but think about it like this – it’s the same kind of character arc they’ve had in the original Tales From The Borderlands.

Nothing had changed, they’re still at the same point they were almost 10 years ago when we finished episode 5. What Burch does is a classic shitty storytelling technique of the sequel that is just forgetting everything that had happened before and rehashing the character arc from the first one, just worse. Fiona goes from a self-reassured con-artist to a confident Vault Hunter. Sasha goes from a closed off younger sister to someone with agency. Those are the same kinds of stories we’ve already been told but when there’s no one to bounce off of, you realize that the sisters didn’t need this journey to realize it, they just needed to think for 15 minutes.

There’s also no change to the dynamics between Fiona and Sasha, and every attempt at it is shallow and pointless. At the beginning, we see Fiona being anxious that Sasha literally died before her eyes. Fiona is basically patronizing, Sasha goes Vault hunting but dislikes this, goes back and they make up. There’s no sense of change between them or maturity. I’ve already discussed the sense that their “class consciousness” is meaningless when they at the beginning were lower class. But even between each other, it’s the same song and dance. Fiona is a little overprotective, Sasha wants to show that she’s not just the younger sister. I’ve seen this already, Burch, you’ve told me this in Tales.

It doesn’t help that Fiona and Sasha really are treated constantly as the same entity, so their “changes” just don’t appear. They’re bound by the hip, unable to grow because of their limitations of the relationship. It’s too bad that a story about siblings has to treat them like they can’t exist without each other, when it could be an interesting story about independence. What if Sasha decides that Vault hunting is for her and actually goes away with Gaige? What if Fiona realizes that she’s been too caught up in her sister’s life that she forgot how to live her own? Those are all interesting questions that get tossed off the window, when you realize you have to do Tales but worse.

Just like that, the sisters can’t form any meaningful relationship. Not with the cardboard cutouts of the supporting cast, not with Gaige, there really is nothing. Fiona and Sasha don’t interact with their environment in an interesting way, it’s just a ham-fisted need to show that rich people are bad. Yes, I know they’re bad, I just want to see them discover it on their own. But we get nothing.

You can also argue that Sasha’s story regarding Rhys is just a rehash. As I’ve said, I was never a fan of this couple but I can’t imagine being satisfied with a solution that Burch brings to the table. Through the story, we see Sasha denying her feelings, not being ready for a relationship until Fiona steps in and says “actually, you are or you’re not” and off-screen we see that Sasha decided on their relationship. It’s truly insulting to see the “will they, won’t they” scenario with adult people and solved not before us.

What you have to understand is that this period of life that we’re seeing, with Fiona and Sasha is not a brief period of time. Maybe Burch doesn’t want exact numbers but this is clear when you think about a certain fact – Rhys has a mustache. I’m bringing this up because in Borderlands 3, Lor is actually surprised to see him like this, which means that the Maliwan invasion is well on its way. Which Rhys doesn’t bring up, of course. But deducing from this single comment we can calculate that between the beginning of the book and the ending, 4 or 5 years had happened. That is a damn long time and the fact that during this Fiona and Sasha do not resolve anything, do not develop and only go forth with their very surface level resolution is just a slap in the face.

We finished when we had started – it’s just that Burch doesn’t want you to realize that we had started at the ending. And this itself has consequences that he doesn’t ever want to acknowledge.

6. Show me my silver lining

I think at this point it’s very clear to see that I very much so didn’t enjoy this book. It’s just that I can’t bring myself to give a fully negative review, when there is one thing that I have to actually compliment. That thing is the arc of Gaige and what she’s been through in this book.

How we see Gaige is an actual arc and change of the character. We start with her being petty and bitter, returning to her home planet of Eden-5 for revenge. She wants to kill Holloway for destroying her and especially for the fact that she had imprisoned her father. We see Gaige’s smarts play the role against Fiona and we actually see the unbeatable Vault Hunter lose. Her father died at the prison. She has to hide, plotting her revenge. At the opportunity to bring her father back with the life crystal, she takes it immediately. But when it fails, Gaige is avoidant and quiet. Not wanting to see that she had failed yet again.

What was a terrible point in Fiona’s characterization, the destruction of Rustville, is the moment where Gaige shines through. Being presented with a choice by Holloway, she actually altruistically chooses to get caught, so she won’t hurt anyone. Sure, Holloway doesn’t keep her promise but it’s what Gaige is doing what is important. Instead of her usual snarky demeanor, we see her give up, something she had never done on her own. And in prison we see her still fighting for her life, screaming at the top of her lungs, even if at that point both her father and Deathtrap are gone.

The one genuinely great moment was when at the gala, Gaige gets a chance to open up about her feelings to her ECHOtube (I think that was what it was called?) subscribers. She talks about her love for her dad and how much he meant to her. How she misses him but wants to avenge him and wants him to be proud of her. It’s a very powerful moment, in my opinion, the best in all of the book. Gaige, surrounding herself with cheap thrills and adventures, seeks something that is real and opens up. It’s a beautiful moment of humanity for her that is just lovely to see.

Why she decided to take up the job of a party planner, I have no idea. Even with her explanation it still didn’t mean much to me. Thinking of how sad and once more, avoidant and lonely she ends up in Borderlands 3 does make me feel regret but I wanna hold onto that moment. Of Gaige’s sass and positive spirit, the only thing that made me go through that book.

Also there was a moment in which Rhys admits that he had a voice surgery. Made me go “what the fuck” at first but then I kinda laughed. Nobody needed that but whatever. Also fuck Troy Baker, all my homies hate Troy Baker.

7. Lightning round of criticism

Having said all of that and more about this book, this little section is about criticisms I had but didn’t want to dedicate a whole section to them. It’s just a list of things that bothered me as hell there but that will be shorter to sum up:

-        The humor of this book was unbearable. After several of those “jokes” you could very easily predict how the next one would go. It’s one person making a statement, another person contradicting it and then the outcome is a contradiction or first person admitting to the contradiction. Imagine this dry explanation but repeated over and over again and you get at least 40% of the whole dialogue. I don’t think it’s a good thing when you can sum up your entire humor in a descriptions like this

-        The new side characters are so paper thin, I cannot tell you anything about them. I can guarantee that if you ask me who they are in a month or two, I simply won’t know. All of them were characterized by a gimmick and not given anything real to do. The sisters, too, don’t have interesting interactions with them. Side characters here exist for cheap scenes that sorta progress the bad plot. In the words of a streamer Oboeshoesgames “Katagawa Jr. What a crazy character. He’s almost as memorable as Chet Smith.”

-        The way this book handled Rhys is horrendous. Equated to the kicked puppy who desperately wants Sasha’s attention, constantly described as stupid and worthless and then acting like a teenager when he’s pushing 30. I don’t think Borderlands 3 ruined Rhys. I don’t think New Tales ruined Rhys. But this? This is the worst written Rhys I’ve seen in years

-        Speaking of, Burch trying his damn hardest to write as if he’s a gen z person throws out words that make him look like Steve Buscemi “how do you do fellow kids” moment. In one moment, he even calls Rhys a himbo. Burch, do you know what words even mean

-        The narration style suffers from “tell don’t show”. Look at this example, here. Not only is this just flat out bad writing, we don’t need to be told three different times how badly Holloway treats people. A good writer would just show it to us via her actions towards her staff and juxtapose it with how Fiona treats her staff but of course, none of this happens

-        Being a video game writer, Burch doesn’t know how to progress a story. For him, the more important things are side quests and instant gratifications, not real emotional bits. The story rushes to the next point and leaves no room for you to breathe. You can’t spend time with those characters, you can’t learn anything new because you have to do another thing

-        Maybe that’s just me but I hate the non descriptive narration style. The world of Eden-5 feels shallow and pointless because the sisters don’t explore it and we don’t get any descriptions of it. Those are just empty phrases of wealth and dirt and nothing else

-        Last but certainly not least, I gotta ask, what the hell was Burch thinking with making this healing watch be the same thing as the healing crystal from New Tales? I always hated the deus ex machina of the watch but here it just had gotten ridiculous. It makes no sense, it’s a contrived way to bring it together. How does it connect? We never know, it is never explored. Maybe in Borderlands 50 or something

8. Conclusion

I hated this book. I wish I could’ve said something more profound but sometimes being direct is better – I truly hated this book and I won’t consider this canon to the Borderlands storyline. You can take my word that the canon won’t acknowledge it either. It’s a shallow cash grab directed at people who love Fiona and Sasha, engineered to be as meaningless as it could be and not to say anything either about its themes or its characters. It’s not a character study. It’s not a jumping off point for meaningful class structures and struggles discussion. It’s not even a fun popcorn adventure for fans of the series. With huge letters stating that it was written by the writer of Borderlands 2, I think we gotta ask – maybe it’s time to stop relying on the past and have someone write a spectacular story on par and better than Borderlands 2? Just anyone but Anthony Burch.