#Idk i just hate it like I felt like crying just now and im so tempted to sleep through lecture but Im also like i dont want to waste the gas
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Did something good to my psyche when I unfollowed one person I was following for years who insulted me once for no reason, constantly complained about the fandoms they were in, weren't even making the content I was following for anymore, and was always getting into nothing arguments over stupid shit
#to be clear i still follow plently of people now who arent in my fandoms and im not in theirs but it had gotten to a poing where i just#couldnt scroll past or go 'ah ___ moot on they shit again! blessed be' bc they were neither a moot nor had very good opinions or attitude#i was always like 'i should unfollow them but they reblog some funny posts sometimes so idk!' and then they stopped reblogging funny shit so#the insult thing was because i agreed or was neutral on an opinion they made but i said it in a way which. set them off apparently? because#i was like idk 13 14 and its no suprise that an extremely new to fandoms autistic baby teenager worded a scentence wrong and they hit me w/#“bro istg i hate people like this” either responding to my reply or screenshotting and posting it as a reblog#i felt so embarrassed bro i wanted to cry 😭#i think they also treated me like a joke when i sent an ask too#overall 😟 yikes !#dont even remember their user so this isnt a callout just realized how good it was for me now
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oh my god i didnt think my night could get worse
#camera talks#and like i felt okay earlier !!!!#my migraine Sucked and really really hurt#but i was feeling happy and ive been like super in control of my emotions for a hot second and i was so so content and in love#but now im just. fucking crying in my bed again#might have to go in the closet and sensory deprive myself bc im not doing good#my migraine was so so bad#but my dad decided rn was a great time to Yell at cam over dinner for not getting up and doing something for him earlier#even tho im literally working on my graduate or not fucking project#and it was like. one of his bad bad yelling fits where ive gotten used to it bc i grew up with it but fuck it doesnt make it better#and now i just feel stupid and worthless#and he yelled at my mom and its her birthday tomorrow so i feel bad for her#and im just. god what the fuck#i hate this#i need to get out of this stupid house its so fucking suffocating#i want to run away but i cant and wont obviously. i dont even know if i'd have a fucking place to go if i feel unsafe ever#god god god godd. i dont want to be here.#and like the worst part is im not unhappy with my life in fact im so fucking happy with so much i have Beautiful people in my life#and im in Love and i have days and moments where im Happy#but this is something i cant get out of rn#and i dont know what to do its not living im fucking dying.#vent#delete later#sorry. might need to log off idk.#i need to do this project but everything hurts. whatever
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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kicking my feet and giggling (<- just got apologised to)
#guys i have worth??? im actually a human being deserving of basic respect and SHOULD be apologised to if i am not given that??? holy shit#ok but like i actually was pretty mad and i just wasn't going to talk to them when the weekend ended but to think they'd actually apologise#guys i am a friend worth apologising to omg this is so nice#(<- was fuming over how i was a “friend” not even worthy of her basic decency and respect an hour ago)#LIKE IM STILL MAD#okay i actually cant vaguepost to save my life but basically this girl whos a friend i recently got close to and formed a friendgroup with#shes really fucking whiny and ive been tolerating it for so long but on friday she was extremely whiny and rude whenever i just asked a#simple question#and it's really draining and humiliating to be spoken to like poop on the sidewalk in front of other people#but anyway other than that i was really upset because during pe i wanted to show her my hip injury cuz i thought it was funny#(it wasn't diagnosed yet i just felt my joints moving weirdly)#and like that involves her putting her hand on my hip#so i asked her to do that then she started whining about how she doesn't want to touch me and that i'm weird for asking ppl to touch me#then she started telling like the 3 other ppl around us i was weird and wanted ppl to touch me#then this other cool girl overheard and looked at us funny i guess cuz then the friend said 'haha now [cool girls name] is also laughing'#i was so fucking embarrassed and humiliated i still want to tear up thinking about it#like are you actually my friend wtf i don't even need enemies w a friend like you#i wanted to cry so bad then#ugh i hate it#like you couldve just said no thanks bro what is ur problem#this just made me realise how much i hate how she talks to me sometimes#and i know i need to stop surrounding myself with negative vibes in order to feel happy#but its still so frustrating#we were doing so well the other day and google meeting everyday#then this happened and then she got mad and started ignoring me on the way home#bro idk i hate ts i should just stop making friends#rant
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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looked at old pics of myself at the wrong time and now im crying.,
#i always thot i was just kinda ugly and weird and lame and like. i wasnt. not that it would matter if i was but like. i wasnt i was just. me#in my memories im so mean to myself and then to like look back at who i was at that time is like. so hard like why was i so mean to myself#and why am i still so mean to myself. like who does it benefit to remember myself as awful and annoying and ugly and unlovable#like the only person in my life who thought i was all those things was me. like the only person that hated me that much was ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i hate it here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im fine :)#this was a nice wakeup call i suppose.#also all those old pics i looked so hot im crying actual tears im so mad i could have been getting so much pussy if i wasnt so depressed#idk im just like. trying to be nice to my inner child and my inner teenager is one thing but like. being nice to me early 20s is even harde#i always thought ppl hated me and its like no bitch..... You hated YOURSELF................... anyways im dehydrated#this blog turning 13 sent me into a real spiral ill tell u WHAT.#having spent all my formative years online to then become almost completely offline after getting a job. its drama to say grieving but like#idk it felt like looking at pics of a dead relative. like it looked like me and i could remember taking those pics. but like. thats not me.#GOD. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD#AND ITS ESPECIALLY CRAZY TO LOOK BACK NOW HAVING GAINED ADULT BODY WEIGHT AT PICS OF ME AS A KID WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FAT. AND I WASNT.#AGAINNNNNNNNNNN NOT THAT IT WOULD MATTER IF I WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS#but i spent my whole life being treated as FAT without actually being fat. WHICH I AM NOW. and now im the happiest and fattest ive been.#like i actually wasnt a horrible ugly fat freak of nature. i just needed to get away from my mom#i really am rambling at this point. i know i need to Look Within and Figure Out Who I Want To Be and What Kind Of Person I Want To Become#but also i have work#and the answer is some kind of transgender. one of em. thats for sure. but like. im a waitress so like. rain check that convo....#anyways. i am not a bad person. and i wish i didnt spend so much of my life convincing myself i was. but u live and u learn i fucking GUESS
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the anxiety pills arent even working :c
#maybe a little bit actually#before i took it i felt hysterical and my chest burned and i cried#now after a while i dont feel that as much#i just feel empty and hollow#im just so upset and sad#why cant he understand how much i love him and what i'd do for him#or maybe he does understand he just doesnt care about my love?#idk ... maybe i just keep hurting him? idk i jusg wish he'd tell me#and i wish .. he could see that i dont mean to hurt him. but maybe... he wants me to know and not do it? idk#anyway... the pill might've helped a little but i still cant stop thinking about it#i cant believe i was dumb enough to not learn my lesson#and that i kept venting and being crazy and aaying dumb shit#and that some of my mental breakdown vent that i dont even mean hurt him#i should've just stopped using my blog for that from the start#now he doesnt even follow me anymore.....#i know it sounds utterly silly but the fact that im not important enough for him to follow hurts so bad#i feel worthless now why do i even exist if he doesnt see me?#i get why he wants his ex though. she's x10000 better than me in every way#i wish i'd never came into his life and messed with him like that#i dont wanna hurt him and i feel so bad. i should've just left him alone and not caused a meas#mess*#fml i wanna cry i hate myself so bad
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SEASON NINE FINALE WAS WILD. I HAVE MANY MANY THOUGHTS. WHAT JUST HAPPENED. A FUCKING ROLLER COASTER FOR SURE
#theo.txt#I DID NOT REALIZE DEMON DEAN WAS NOW#DESPITE KNOWING THAT YEAH HE LOOKS ABOUT THAT AGE OR WHATEVER IN THE SCREENCAPS IVE SEEN#WHEN I TELL YOU I CHEERED AT THE END WHEN I REALIZED WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!!! i love crowley pulling some bullshit at the last minute. classi#king of hell shit#and in the end scene where it's just mark sheppard's stellar monologue and the EYELID NOISE... chefs kiss that got me so hyped for s10#i do think this finale got me really interested to see what s10 brings generally#AND DOESNT ROWENA SHOW UP THIS SEASON?? WE LOVE TO SEE IT IM EXCITED#rip gadreel though he was an interesting character. sad he had to die just to prove a point and blow up a cell. but a fitting end ig?? :(#i also loved cas's plan at the end though with the angel radio thing. get his ass lol#but also god i felt so bad for him. can the narrative give him a fucking break. he is trying his god damn best#the curse of free will and the curse of loving. painful but you do it anyway. castiel when i get my hands on you#also if i am not mistaken... the shot parallels to sams first death with deans death... we cry#IS SAM JUST GONNA BE ALL ALONE NOW?? I ASSUME CROWLEY TAKES DEAN WITH HIM?#OH NO 😭😭😭 SAM BABY IM SO SORRY#not that he doesnt always have a rough time but he has a particularly excruciating season. someone give this man a hug#i feel for him very deeply#'i lied' 'ain't that a bitch?' got me. i hate them. SOOOO brothers.#anyway#AAAAAAAAUGH#also why was metatron the worlds number one destiel shipper at the end of the season here im DEAD. MULTIPLE pieces of dialogue hes like 'yo#did it all for HUMANITY... for your ONE HUMAN of CHOICE... the HUMAN who motivates you...' JUST CALL HIM A SLUR WHY DONT YOU#im dead#idk what the general community thoughts are on that episode but i did enjoy it. wild fucking ride from start to finish#s9 wasnt my favorite and definitely did not hook me in the second quarter for some reason. def was not as compelling as like s7 for me but#the points that i liked i really enjoyed#loved sam resorting to summoning crowley. he wants his ass dead SO bad. i think sam deserves the world after the shit he was put through#this season#anyway overall. i am gnawing on the walls and pacing around my room at incredible speeds. what is UP with this show.#man.
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one of those fifty things was a classist af post about how fanfic writers can't actually write for shit, yes all of them apparently bc they aren't educated in proper literary devices or whatever.
are you fucking hearing yourself
#idk man but seeing that after writing fic for 11 years in a language that's not my native one & evolving ON MY ABSOLUTE OWN and then-#-going as far as to study literature now that i have the chance & finally gain enough confidence in my skills to start working on-#-my own original work after years of daydreaming about it just to read THAT from a posh spoiled bitch really fuckin' felt like a kick to the#-balls that i do not possess#like fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU#among other things like being fully purposefully deadnamed AGAIN today after yesterday's family fiasco#and getting swamped by fifty fuckin academic tasks left and right#AND a constant bombardment of imagss of mulilated children in posts with notes full of zionists excusing said massacre#and then THIS fuckin post abt fic writers or whatever#i cant take it seriously im at my fuckin limit but Unironically I'm about to start crying out of sheer anger and fury#i dont like feeling so angry. i hate it and it makes me feel like a monster but i cant DO this shit anymore#it's only Tuesday and i have less than 1% drive left for the week what the fuck#tw vent#maybe delete later idk
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alexa play slipping through my fingers by abba
#like why am i crying ab a detoxing mask she got me for christmas#i told her i was having issues with my deodorant in august n she got me a detoxing mask and 5 aluminium free deodorants to try and it just#like it felt like a really thoughtful gift and im using the mask and it feels nice and i just feel strange#like knowing she does love and care but they already emotionally stunted me so now i just feel weirdly back and forth with it#idk im being emo on main today lmao#hate having mummy issues lmao#「mercury speaks」
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very heartbroken right now:((((
#you know that crush i had since april#and it felt like such a dream that we clicked so well#and we are friends obviously but i always wanted it to be more#we saw eachother today after a month or so and it just felt different#like this isnt it anymore#and you know that feeling when you think you mean a lot more to someobe#and you are blinding yourself and being delusional and excusing their every red flag#it just hit me today that if he really wanted something he would show it#and want to spend more time with me#and maybe be different idk#thing is i have hoped for this for so long and now it just feels empty#and i know im gonna get over it and its gonna be fine#but he was the only one on my mind for so long :(((((#fuckdickfickfickfick#i hate this:((((#and i hate that i ignored every sign that this is not it#i feel like crying but he is not fucking worth it#and the worst thing is that we are friends and i cant just stop being that#and it just hurts so fucking much to even think about it#obviously we are gonna hang out#and i will obviously be hung up on him still#but i just uhhhh#dont know what to do#dont know how to hang out with him without being flirty as we have always been#or a complete dick#anyways#i feel like shit#random#crush#fucking hell
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#i love how im in the middle of a mental breakdown and im still made to feel guilty abt feeling how i feel#i hate it here!! and its all my fault so i guess theyre right i have no reason to complain#its rly hard to find a reason to not just kms at this point#i doubt it would even matter to anyone besides my pets if i did#i probably wont but god i just want everything to end#im sick of ppl talking so badly abt me for just existing#i felt good abt myself today too!! and now thats ruined bc i couldnt just hold everything in#u would think if u find someone crying u would have even an ounce of sympathy instead of trying to play the victim but i guess not#ignore me#<< okay so i went on a walk and i feel better after talking w my brother so i guess im feeling slightly less like i want to kms#also we saw someone walking their cat!! i guess its the little things that matter idk#no but rpy ignore this i just needed to vent im okay i promise
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Trying my hardest not to be anxious and sad about things that have already happened and that I can't do anything about now. But How
#woes of emily#work shit. which wasn't entirely my fault but was my fault enough and :(#like. if a customer is mad at me i dont care but when a colleague is it makes me sad and anxious and i hate it#and just. the way she dealt with me was bad idk#like she was like. i wouldn't have done that. you shouldn't do that. you should have noticed that#if you'd said i would have helped#like I'm still so new if im doing something wrong just tell me!! just step in!! just help#like now i can't even defend myself#and now I'm worried even though its probably fine#like either in a month i will have forgotten all about it#or. it'll be a big thing and I'll be fired from my job so <3#maybe not actually fired but. it could be bad#but also. more likely. literally it will be fine forever idk :/#it's just been a long week and I've felt like crying all afternoon#and i met up with my friend which was nice but now I'm two stupidly expensive cocktails deep#also also. i got a text saying that basically I'm no longer going to be registered with a gp practice#but thinking about doctor/medical stuff literally makes me want to kms sooooooooooooooo. not helping#sorry. feeling emotions and they're going here#need sleep. more than anything
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wonderful, one of those times where everything i’ve pushed down just bubbles up. great.
#one of my teachers today started comparing me and my older brother and i straight up felt like i wanted to cry#it’s mortifying being the dumb one#because everyone expects you to be great when i’m just…average.#i don’t know where i fit in#not online or offline#like i just feel like i don’t belong anywhere#and i never know how to be vocal about my problems because everyone always assumes i want attention and i don’t#i went to the school psychologist today who’s the closest thing i have to therapy but she isn’t required to be tight lipped#and i wish i could vocalize this#i don’t even think id be able to tell a therapist this because im a weak piece of shit#another thing that bugs me is how when my brother came out my parents were soooo proud of him and my aunts were so proud too#which good dor him#but when i came out as bi i was yelled at and told i was too young to know and that i was just making it up#everything just hurts right now#i hate school#i don’t have the motivation to go to clubs i enjoy#i don’t have the motivation to engage in activities i enjoy#and i know i can’t tell my doctor any of this when i elf checked up because my moms gonna interject with “BuT YoU NevEr ToLd Me!”#and it’s gonna be another “you want attention” thing#i still remember when i used to journal and my mom went through it and screamed at me for two hours because i mentioned being suicidal#never journaled again#idk how to copd honestly#and then i feel like a brat because they do nice things jit then they use it against me#i hate it#i’m just going through a lot this week#sorry#o know you guys are getting tired of my dumb ass bitching
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Ugh I'm seriously considering showing up just for lab tomorrow...
#.personal rambles#Not to complain but I just hate it like...Ive already missed 2-3 days over this semester like one day was because of pain#One day because my car broke down and another day I left early because I didnt feel good and just laid down in my bed all day...#Like I need to get it together I know Im tired but I just have three weeks left of class I can do this...#Idk I havent even missed my Friday class yes but I was late like 2 weeks ago because of pain management#Idk i just hate it like I felt like crying just now and im so tempted to sleep through lecture but Im also like i dont want to waste the gas#To just take my exam do a few things and leave...#but im also so tired like I think Im just depressed but because Im so busy I dont realize it#Plus my granddads are visiting and theyre going on a trip and i kind of want to spend time with them or sleep in like...ugh#I could just lie and say lecture was cancelled but...
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Mickey they could never make me hate you. Even WHEN you were the dirtiest white boy in America. V THAT MAY BE TRUE but he's also soooo pretty so he gets a pass cuz he's so babyboy and babygirl and an angel that deserved so better like fucking love and compassion and pride and adoration from his fucking shithead father. (if you can't tell I'm on my season 2 shit) honestly he was so much more dirty white boy tm in season 1 tho...
”I came out for you, you piece of shit”
YES YOU DID MICKEY. YES THE FUCK YOU DID.
#mickey milkovich they could never make me hate you#mickey milkovich is a perfect angel#babygirl has never done anything wrong a day in his life#the babygirlification of mickey milkovich#the dirtiest white boy in America#i think crying in iggys arms about all the shit terry used to do to him would heal him honestly#like i think maybe mickey had suicidal tendencies that iggy never knew about and he almost succeeded one time#when the shit with svetlana happened and she brokenheartedly made him promise to fucking stop when he overdosed on some pills and he did#but it didnt stop him self harming until the day he didnt feel so trapped with no way out and hearing all that fucking broke iggys heart#and he apologizes to mickey for abandoning him because thats his lil bro and he never knew he was hurting that bad#and maybe mickey always thought iggy would kill him for being gay if he ever ran into him but wouldnt seek him out cuz of his worthlessness#so when he finally runs into iggy on the west side hes fucking scared cuz he was wrong iggy finally decided to hunt him down and kill him#and that broke iggy almost as much as the feeling suicidal for the longest time and he didnt even know thing#and he ends up telling mickey that hes actually known mickey was gay since he was 13 and he now wishes he would of been there for him#wishes that he wouldve protected him and let him know it was ok but he cant change the past but he wants to be there for him now if allowed#i just fucking need mickey and iggy bonding#i need mickey and iggy hurt/comfort#maybe its revealed that mickey used to sneak into iggys room as a little boy at night after/when terry was a monster and cry in his arms#while iggy kissed his hair until he fell asleep when mickey falls to his knees and starts crying like a baby in his arms and iggys rocking#with mickey and kissing his hair and telling that hes here for him just like old times and mickey says “ 's the only time i ever felt safe#“ 'y were my safe place” and iggys all like i know im sorry babybrother and maybe lip walks in on it and is an asshole about it#cuz he thinks its weird but ian is having NONE of it cuz his baby NEEDS this but lip also feels bad for mickey#cuz its fucked up that he wanted off himself cuz his dad had him feeling trapped and dead inside and wanting to do anything to get away#and maybe hes not so much of an asshole to mickey after cuz ians right mickey DID need that#idk where the fuck this came from cuz this so wasnt the original point of the post or the reblog at first but here we are#and i really need this fic cuz just mickey and iggy hurt comfort like this would be heartbreakingly beautiful#mickey milkovich#i think i need to iterate that its mandy that makes mickey promise to stop trying to commit suicide not svet#cuz he would do anything for mandy even when she leaves and the urge still stays cuz she was heartbroken when she saved him from the attempt#and hed never wanna hurt her like that again even when she leaves and hes fucking hurting still but hed never want to put her through more
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