#but i was feeling happy and ive been like super in control of my emotions for a hot second and i was so so content and in love

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

oh my god i didnt think my night could get worse

[savnofilter]

Makeup Sex HCs

-> dabi/t. todoroki, s. todoroki, e. kirishima & k. bakugo

Dabi | Shouto Todoroki | Eijiro Kirishima | Katsuki Bakugo x [GEN]Reader

CONTENT WARNING(S): sexual content, makeup sex. 🧍🏽‍♀️

COUNT: 1.1K words [1-3 mins each].

READ MORE: masterpost + [students | bakugo | adults masterlists]

A/N: ive been wanting to write this for a hot min and now i finally did sjdjsjdn anyways this will be my last nsfw work for students. pretty anti-climatic but 🤷🏽‍♀️ i will be releasing the rest of my sfw stuff for them somewhere else so stayed tuned for that. 👀 ANYWAYS I AM SAUR READY FOR THE DABI CONTENT IM GONNA BUST 🥰 THANK YOU ANON AND HAPPY YEAR YALL. 🤢🤟🏽🤟🏽🤟🏽

if its serious & Dabi knows hes fucked up, hes gonna force himself to talk about it.

don't think that he’ll be mature 100% but he will communicate with you.

is a little manipulative (don't come at me we know he ain't at therapy) and might divulge to get into your good graces once again.

makeup sex with Dabi entirely depends on how serious he finds the situation.

if it's something super serious (to him) then he will not go for sex and will not want to be touched physically like at all. comfort wise too.

but when it's something where all you two need to do is properly communicate, he's actually more empathetic. you could almost say the makeup sex between you when this happens is more… intimate.

if submissive!Dabi is something you like, here he is!

don't expect him to go full on tho, he’ll just relinquish a bit more of letting you take control as a form of apologizing.

[+] only you have been able to see him in such a position… you better be thrilled.

gets more needy tho? the audacity… if you love brats there here he is.

tries to say stuff to throw you off, shit like if you're teasing him he'll say something along the lines of, “stop playing and come sit on my cock, doll.” or “look at you slobbering all over my dick, you greedy XYZ.”

a little whiney about it too, has no shame whatsoever, though.

if he's the one giving you head, it's very messy and sloppy like he's making out with your nether regions. his goal is to have you c(um)e undone and having you surrender your thoughts to him.

when you two actually get to fucking though, it's really rough and grabby at first. it's as if you two are trying to fight each other whilst also attempting to one up another in pleasure.

very much a lot of rough thrusting, pinning, bite marks, hickies and hand prints galore.

then it soothes out—once all the pent up energy is exerted you two transition into a more, and this is where I talked about earlier, intimate love making.

mumbling apologies, a teary eye if you manage to make eye contact with each other and soft mutterings of how good it feels.

it's like a rollercoaster ride of high and low emotions, the end result being the balance of both.

probably the same kind of style as Dabi.

honestly it wouldn't be surprising if the root of the makeup sex being unresolved things, as in the inner conflicts that you two don't even address.

quiet aggression waiting for its release between you two.

makeup sex would be more like a week or a few days after, where you two are probably having a normal session but then the pent up and forgetting energy comes up and gets released during the deed.

Todoroki grips you way more often and holds you close as if you might disappear in one second.

uses a lot of his hands and probably toys too to let out his pent out anger.

will have you bonded up so he can freely do what he needs to do with having to keep his attention divided by keeping you down and pleasuring you.

a ton of words of affirmation here, both you and him.

that's how it normally is, but he throws in some endearing terms a lot more this time around.

“that feel good, baby?” “who makes you feel good like this?”

his attention is solely focused on you and not so much his.

will probably edge you until the point where you both need to climax as he enjoys seeing you tear up and beg for him.

the makeup sex was probably about jealousy if we're being honest here.

Todoroki is just so emotionally constipated but he doesn't know how else express it.

is definitely working on it though.

probably the most emotional out of them lol.

Kirishima is the type to cry and be a mess, super emotional and empathetic.

isn't doing crazy positions or trying to rough you up, unintentional or not.

very much, “I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry” sort of attitude 😭

feel like when thinking of Kirishima, since he has this hidden, passive aggressive side that it'd transmute into rough handling but no I think he'd let all his barriers down for something like this.

would probably get rougher near the ending tho, like harder thrusts and more bite marks.

he wants to be in your good books again and is doing his best to be that again.

everything is sloppier too, just pure rawness tbh.

the makeup session may take place a few hours later or a day later, if it doesn't then that's how you know it's something serious that can't just be mended with a bit of physical bonding.

so in a way when you two make up like this, Kirishima feels grateful because of the unspoken common rules in your relationship.

he puts his all in to make sure that even with your disagreements he still loves you a lot. :’)

surprisingly so, i honestly believe makeup sex with this man would be soft.

it's passive aggressive at most, the only thing being harsh is the rough grip here and there or a little taunting whisper every so often.

lots of eye contact and just admiring you under him.

likes to be on top so he can shield you from everything else in the room and wants your attention all on him.

make up sex with him is smothering in the way that it's like he's trying to mold himself into you and only you.

doesn't care about what you guys fought about or disagreed earlier, he's more or so focused on the connection this will bring.

Bakugo is more quiet during this time, not really saying much but lets a few noises slip by every so often.

if he does talk, it's not very loud or aggressive, more of check ins like, “you okay?” “you like it when I XYZ?”

it's like Bakugo is treating you in a fragile manner, not wanting to shatter you or startle you. :’)

this is one of the times where his energy level isn't on 1000.

ALSO HAND HOLDING FOR SURE.

prefers to mostly do positions where he can see your face too, wants to make sure you're okay.

he's very mellow and the sort of energy is needed for the mending between you two.

    all rights reserved © do NOT steal, alter or copy this work.

[w1tchcr4ftt]

Inside out 2: A ramble of me trying to explain my feelings about it

(under cut due to possible spoilers!!! You have been warned)

In short, this movie went beyond my expectations! I expected good and got better! Inside out is one of my favorite movies and as a person who hates sequels, this one hit the spot! I was so excited for everything and I loved it so much!

Now for a longer ramble of pros and cons and stuff cus I cant organize my thoughts and ideas like a normal person

Pros!

Everything about the movie was good! The animation, the VA (I love anxiety's voice so much so silly), the storyline, and the pacing were all very well done

I adore the new emotions so much! I evidently favor anxiety... (shes relatable and I want to throw her at a wall) the designs are so very silly and they fit very well

I still love that the emotions can also show emotions and stuff! I think its interesting to see sadness be happy, joy be upset, anxiety be relaxed (the last bit with her massage chair), etc! I just think its neat!

Accuracy. Good God that panic attack scene has a death grip on me, Ive never seen a movie describe a panic attack in a way Ive felt connected to like this. Even so the rest of the emotions like embarrassment and envy's scenes around the firehawks, just trying to fit in is so painfully accurate.

Riley felt like more of a person in this movie! In inside out (1) she felt more like a puppet/vessel for the emotions to pilot, but having Riley actually be a person, even having thoughts of going against the emotions control (When anxiety wanted her to go look at the notebook but she didn't want to) That and the sense of self (which anxiety managed to rebuild in a day, that part gets me that it took them 13 years only for her to remake Riley in a day) felt like it made Riley a person and not a puppet

I love that the movie doesn't make Anxiety a villain, just an antagonist! Shes not trying to ruin Riley, just make sure shes happy, and that means a lot! In a world where villainization of mental disorders and neurodivergency is super prevalent, its so refreshing to see that even something as tough to live with as anxiety isn't put in a horrible light! She has good intentions, but lacks execution. It makes me happy to see something like this, where anxiety isnt stereotyped to hell ane also isnt villainized, but rather just trying and failing to help

Bloofy and Lance. That is all.

Cons!

Everythint was very fast paced, I wish it was a little bit longer but the message got across just as well

I wish they used Ennui more! I love the concept so much but she felt underused in my mind

On the topic of emotions, I wish they gave Envy more time to be, well, envious. I thought the scene where she wanted Val's hair was silly but we didn't get as much of that like I hoped

I wish we got to see more of the islands and how they har changed especially friendship island! I know that wasnt the point of this movie its just an interesting topic! Wouldve also loved to see some other parts of Riley's mind since it obviously changed since last time!

Again, Bloofy. Lack of Bloofy and Lance content. Was severely disappointed.

All in all, I adored this movie! While there were a few cons I feel like they were made up for! I, again, adore Anxiety so so so much and again I love how the movie made it clear that no, anxiety isn't a villain or a monster or something evil and wront, but rather something to learn to work with! Everything about this movie lived up to its predecessor and im so happy I got to see it!

Out of the semi-serious context, I love the silly characters so much and Anxiety lives in my heart and will not leave me alone. I love the stupid orange muppet and her silly friends who help her deal with all her issues. I can promise you this will be my hyperfixation for a long time coming

[rhythmandstealth]

this post is long. like really long. stream of consciousness venting downer post that may or may not make sense. this isnt even touching on everything thats been on my mind but i think ive got the important stuff out.

my brain has quite literally not been working the same since i took that rick and morty acid. like its been completely. i dont know. its like im a completely different person.

the girl using this body beforehand got her shit rocked way too hard, and now a different girl had to take control and now she has to relearn basically everything ever. my autism feels cranked way beyond any countable level and i feel like there are more and bigger gaps in my mind. even my most basic bodily signals just feel completely alien and terrifying to me and its only intensified by the fact that i had food poisoning AND a kidney stone recently.

most of the time i dont even think to eat and when i do get food i just stare at it because i dont know what im supposed to do? and when i do eat its like. off puting. i dont know. everything tastes weird and has a bad mouthfeel and also im having a hard time fully moving my jaw? i feel like my entire taste palate has been completely randomized and everything i was eating is now just utterly revolting and/or physically difficult to eat in some capacity. also all my emotions feel cranked to like a billion and im struggling to even shower and do laundry regularly and always at least a little bit brainfogged and just. a whole bunch of other stuff. idk.

and it wouldnt feel as bad except for the fact that im stuck in a living situation that due to a bunch of reasons is like super duper actively detrimental to my well being. i feel like im about to bottom out all the time like i really fucking am like. i cnt even say im on the edge of something because "edge" implies a line and that line has gradually contracted into a single gradually shrinking point beneath my foot. and like. i know i need help and technically i know how to get it but when i try to act on the relevant information im intrnally just kind of weakly pawing at imperatives that the body is just refusing to execute. and this isnt helped by the fact that due to my autism being cranked off to hell im having an exponentially more difficult time trying to fully externalize my wants and needs or even my problems.

the fact that ive managed to type all this up is a miracle. i am just doing Really Badly. and it wouldnt really suck so bad except for the fact that i live in a southern suburb with someones family who are basically like space aliens to me and have been for far longr than i intended to be due to the pandemic. i need to be rehomed and retrained and re. fucking. i dont know. i dont even know where i was going with this i dont even know if it makes sense. its kind of a cry for help but more importantly i really just need to get it all out there no matter how badly or clumsily worded it is and get over my fears of being open about my feelings with people i know and of being fucking blown up at with because i didnt use the "correct" terms for expressing myself in a way thats acceptable to the other partys experiences and expectations.

i desperately need to rebuild my brain and my sense of self from the ground up in a way that makes me feel good and happy and fulfilled and not. adrift and alone and frustrated and scared. and i need to do it somewhere away from here. but i dont really kknow how to accomplish that because i have no real aims or even the, like. mental scaffolding to support the process of making and executing a long term life goal. not helped by the fact that i just dont have a very strong sense of initiative or autonomy? there are things i want and need to do but i lack the cognitive function to pull myself out of this hell im in and i dont know what to do or how to fix it because i feel like the conventional wisdoms for improving your situation require having some conventional baseline of brainpower that i am like. actively failng to meet. i grew up being discouraged and even punished for acting on internal forces and so now i can only seem to react to the external and thats why now i love getting high as fuck and why i dont really do much when hanging out with people unless someone says "hey come do this with us".

its a miracle i typed this much more. im sorry. im sorry for talking so much and im sorry for making this everyones problem. at least its under a readmore so it doesnt have to be. so whatever. i cant stop typing and crying. im overwhelmed. im burnt out. i dont have any real local support network. ive just been bottling and rotting bc ive just felt scared and embarrassed for how bad ive let myself get without any real help because i lierally just. havent been able to like. push. my brain. and body. into working properly. i dont even know how or why i managed to do all this. maybe doing an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the deep end by posting my little confession last night and letting one of my deepest most secretest cats out of the bag and not immediately having a bunch of gun laser scopes pointed at me for it like id feared for literally years has emboldened me to be moreopen about lower stakes things.

idk. maybe the fact that ive been struggling by myself with various levels of success doesnt matter anymore bc everything including stuff i thought id dealt with was violently dredged up by sufficiently potent psychedelics. i dont know. im a different girl whos new to this world. or maybe im the same girl but an outdated and incomplete version. im in a weird brainspace now that i genuinely dont know how to contend with. i need help and support from people i know and trust and feel safe with. which im still. struggling to get a good handle on. because i never really learned how to socialize properly or make good solid relationsips due to a turbulent upbringing. idk.

im trying. i really really am. i dont think the people who live with me think im trying in life because im not showing any visible signs on the metrics theyre using. but i really am trying my level best to push upward again and achieve the things i really want and live my best fucked up weirdo life. im trying to take things one baby step at a time. eventually, hopefully, i will figure things out.

and so we move.

[fuckmeyer]

FUCKING MASTERPIECE!! Only banger in here: Jasper's réaction *chief kiss* and Edward's attack *I love this boi. I love him overwhelmed and loosing it a little* and Emmett *we stand a fucking kind man* and Bella's distress *poor baby I'd like protect you but I love you when you suffer. It won't be better for you, but for us?? Sweetheart you offer pure emotion and catharsis in IV*

It was just so good. Like I needed to put down my phone every two sentences to deal with my émotions. I have to redo the whole thing. But one of my favorite chapter of all time!!

Could you give us an insight on the creator side please? Like how long have you been working on this? How many edit? Since when did you have it in mind?

PS: I don't know how to feel about jasper knowing that much about slayer. Bc it makes sense right? But also, I kind of thought/hoped that the bone thing was a bit more unknown in this world. On that they were on a wrong track. Because he - and other vampire - never met a vampire slayer. Or they don't know it. And I thought it will be more a: bella tells them when she feel like a real part of the family and that they have her back. So idk, kind of frustrated on this part. Bc at the same time it's understandable that Jasper know.

PSS: I don't know if you were a buffy girl. I was. And I'm fucking mad at Emmett for not calling her that. Hc: he is a buffy girl. And will straight up binge the show back as soon as he has time. Because his baby sister bella is a vampire slayer. How fucking cool is that???

Hope you have a great day and that you sleep enough and eat fine and take time for you and your love ones!

(saved this as a draft instead of posting lmao i am so sorry)

yay, i'm so glad you liked it!!!! Jasper being an idiot, Edward losing control (PEAK EDWARD!!!), Emmett being UNFLAPPABLE. and once again, Bella being tortured 😌 (sorry girl, but You Signed Up For This!!!!!) it was super fun to write, and i'm glad you had fun :)

happy to give any insight you want! i wrote this scene a year ago but had it in my head since rough outlines took place in 2022. back then, i had Bella crossing paths with Peter and Charlotte. on their way back from the Denalis, they catch her scent and stalk her through the trees. she hits Peter and is eventually stopped by Jasper (who is FUMING). i wrote the first draft of the chapter you read in 2023 and went through two rewrites and about 4 or 5 rounds of edits.

i thought about Jasper not knowing either. but i figured if you're one of the top military heads in one of the longest and most brutal wars in vampire history, you've probably heard/seen some shit.

I LOVE YOUR HEADCANON THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!!

happy sunday, see you soon :)

[minnieposting]

talking about ocd, hyperfixations, and loving vocaloid

minnie journal entry style post again, except this ones SUPER long lol.

a few nights ago i had a Moment of Weakness . it mightve been a withdrawal thing but i was not at my best lol, i just became really upset out of nowhere?? i was listening to some teto synthv stuff and kinda just Reminiscing on my vocaloid days ... i find myself doing that pretty frequently lately but since im not rlly hyperfixating on anything rn, vocaloid pretty much becomes my default. but im getting ahead of myself.

i get weird about my hyperfixations. when one starts slipping away it used to be so genuinely painful like i felt it so physically i would get so depressed whenever i felt hyperfixations start to slowly fade. i was always like that, but it was different with vocaloid.

 i will never be able to really describe HOW much vocaloid means to me but its litreally part of my soul. its ME. like i was sitting here trying to do exactly what i said i couldnt and guess what, i couldnt really describe it. i was really REALLY hyperfixated on it for 8 whole years straight, elementary school up to when i was around 15?  thats when my ungodly uncharted 4 hyperfixation came eating my ass .... and i remember the only reason it stopped was bc i felt too guilty abt leaving vocaloid behind I KNOW U CANT CONTROL HYPERFIXATIONS BUT MINE LITREALLY JUST STOPPED. after a specififc day of intense guilt lmfao

but yeah. guilt. whenever i leave behind a hyperfixation, i just feel SO guilty, and i dont really know why. i always feel this need to “prove” to myself that i still love a character, they still make me as happy as they used to, and i feel weird and bad if im not getting into smth as obsessively or if im not “consuming it the correct way”. i feel like im not rlly explaining this thing well but ocd is just a nighhttttmare , it bleeds into everything and lately its been bleeding into my interests and my creativity x1000. and im just really sad about that because i feel like i wont ever be that same person again, bc im just too hyperaware BC of my ocd and i just find myself ruminating a lot. though this usually starts to become Active in my head when my hyperfixation is actually starting to go away ... lol. when im balls deep into smth i will be way too obsessed to be in my head like that!

but. all this just being context lol... i was listening to teto synthv stuff and just. i dont even remember what caused me to start getting so upset but i just started reminiscing and getting in my own head about all this. how i dont like vocaloid as much anymore and wondering if ill ever be as happy as i was back then. i hate being an adult bc being an adult means being more Aware and being aware means ocd bothering me and just. idk. I was thinking about everything. Typical rumination spiral. just started getting really sad and upset bc i was just stuck in my thoughts and thinking about how younger me would be disappointed in my current self

it didnt last very long at least, and i ended up listening to re:ng and pinnochiop. but the songs that i clicked actually ,,,,,, helped me so much. one of the songs i clicked was rainy snowdrop by re:ng, and i found myself resonating so deeply with the lyrics. like im actually a bit emotional rn typing bc i went to go look at the lyrics again and im listening to the song rn. it really picked me up and made me feel ok again. then because youre here by pinnochiop played. and just. FUCK BOTH OF THESE SONGS ARE JUST EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR IN THAT MOMENT. it reminded me that itll be okay. simple as that.

and. im only writing abt what happened a few nights ago because while i was playing future tone earlier, it just hit me. ive always been saying that vocaloid makes me feel like myself. but then i started thinking about what exactly that means. and im actually thinking about it now while i write. its like home to me. vocaloid is where ill always go to, where ill always be. i grew up with it. its never not been with me. and no matter where i end up, itll follow me and itll be okay. ocd likes to make me ruminate about the past present and future but one thing that i know for sure is that vocaloid will always be there for me. i see it in a way where its me and my kid self. and i value my inner child so much. which is a bit ironic to me, bc of the way i treat myself...

idk. vocaloid is just really grounding in general. whenever i spiral or need to be pulled back down to earth, its there, and itll always help. its just nice to have this forever thing that i love so much

[castlebyersafterdark]

ok, on a genuine note, i've been coming here and enjoying the spice level of your blog for several months. obviously youre catering to an audience here, as are other spicy blogs, but i genuinely have to ask - as someone who doesnt seem to have such a high sex drive as you but is still very very into the whole romance and excitement of spicy byler - how do you cope on a daily basis haha

i mean this blog, obv, but you have implied that you as a person outside of spicy byler etc have also this sort of high libido etc. i mean, you've got your man but overall in your life, before him and maybe during dry spells - talking to others here who may relate, too - doesnt it get exhausting lol?

ive been big into romance as part of stories since i was a teen but the sexuality aspect of it, and leaning into that as a need and a drive, exploring that part of myself, is quite new to me. i realise im really not as high libido as many people especially in this fandom. i get that may seem sad to some but really it just feels like im kind of... more in control of what i get to do, especially compared to certain times (of the month lmao) when i am super horny and its literally so tiring when everything reminds you of sex haha

so im just wondering for people with high sex drives, do you ever get exhausted being constantly horny lmao. and how do you focus at work/when other important things need doing lol

all love! just curious. cos its a physical feeling as much as emotional so its not as simple as like... me sating my need for romance by reading or dreaming etc.

Friend, are you calling me a slut?? The AUDACITY! Wellllllll. 😉🤭 JOKING!! SAID WITH LOVE NO WORRIES!!

I feel like this is a perfect example of hmmm to overshare or not to overshare - well, I'm utilizing a cut here so what do we think. Personal insights below:

To be fair - I'm not walking around 24/7 only thinking about either this show or pairing or sex in general hahahaha. Yeah, that would be exhausting and a little crazy! Maybe some do! No shade! It's just very concentrated here - you are spot on. There's a theme and a catered interest here so that's what we all see. Just like I often say about the celebrities we follow on social media - we see about 5% of a life, if that. Same with bloggers!! Why I kind of have been embracing talking about some non-spicy Byler things here too, because I decided not strictly adhering to a very tiny niche of content is more relaxing and if people no longer want to hang out - so be it!! But, yes. This blog does serves as a concentration of that topic.

But it is very true what I've said previously, to speak very frankly here on out on this post - I do have a pretty high sex drive. I'm very open about that! Because in the wake of a world careening towards repression and shame, no thanks. There's nothing wrong with having a healthy relationship with pleasure and sex. It's a major part of my life. Just is. Everyone's different. I cope by not really denying that or feeling ashamed by any of it? Sex and pleasure and love and beauty and happiness. I want to live my life surrounded by good things and those are good things to me.

Having a high libido is - well it's convenient being in a loving long term relationship, thaaaaat's for sure. HA. Yeah 😏 I definitely had fun when I was single/dating around, but I wasn't totally indiscriminate. It wasn't constant. Again, as always, no shade - but I've heard of guys who get body counts in the hundreds per year. To me, that sounds ridiculous and exhausting. But I know that happens! Human sexuality is a spectrum in so many ways. Sex drive is yet another. As long as sex is safe and consensual - hell yeah. Have at it.

Sure there are times when you're struck buy a mood and nothing else occupies your mind. Other things can have the same affects on your day to day as well. Hunger or depression or addiction or obsession can also completely take over the brain the same as a want for pleasure. Is the hyper focus and need healthy? There's the key. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with thinking about sex a lot or being super horny often. But like anything - how is it affecting your life? What is positively fulfilling and what is being neglected? There's also nothing wrong with never or rarely needing / thinking about it, to balance the truth.

On the flip side - the romance, ahhh the romance. Why is it that I'm personally so enamored with fandom? Storytelling and an outlet for my incredibly overactive imagination, yes, but gosh the romance. Hopeless romantic, for sure. But romance for me is also tied up in sex, that's just how it is. I'm someone who liked to have fun, chase a feeling, get off. I've hooked up with strangers. I've fooled around with friends and gone on like it was nothing afterwards. I've done things and fallen desperately head over heels and let it negatively affect me. I had certain things I'd only do with those I had genuine feelings for. ~Romance~ and sex in conjunction. But, this is just how I am. Can't explain it. I'm a physical guy, to some maybe a little over indulgent, but I've grown to have a healthy view. Pleasure and joy and love. All positives for me. I might go so far as to say it would be more exhausting repressing and denying how I truly feel and what I want!

It's all so personal and we can imagine our hypothetical needs and interest bars like the stats screen in something like the sims. Maybe someone's sex drive bar stays green fairly longer or barely budges and someone like me has one that depletes a lot quicker. That's life!!

Unless this was intended to just be a ploy to get me to talk about and detail various sexcapades well..... maybe in the future 🤭🤭

[sincelastsession]

Joshua that number I left for my past EMDR therapist is the only way I've gotten in touch with her. I did request my records, she said she'd send them. They weren't delivered ever. I really really do want to get my files from her I am entitled to a copy via state law. It contains a fuck ton about me that I really feel will help because the sheer amount of traumas to bring up again is going to jar me trying to list em out. I feel like it'll definitely assist you on my treatment plan greatly because we did A LOT.

I assume that there's a place files of this nature are supposed to go?

I assume you would know who to call to help me secure them? Or perhaps we could find out. Even if you don't want to use them...I would very much like a copy of her files on me.

I can sign paperwork for you next session for you to get my files if I haven't and idk who else you'd like to talk to or option to chat with other than psychiatrist and primary care but I'll sign documents with them.

I think she still has a profile on psychology today and email...but the text number I left has been my only way to catch her...

I don't want to be nasty but if she can't produce my files I will call a lawyer. Because yes they'll be great for therapy but I asked a while back.

I'm going to send an image of your card to her and request she leave a voice-mail or talk to Chelsea so we can get that done.

It's just BOTHERING me.

I do understand your treatment style us very different.

Also fuck Robyn. I got so much "feedback" to say about her. She takes literal young men and women who are struggling and honestly I see those patients struggling more with thier gender identity and transitioning. I don't think she's safe for LGBTQA+ folks. That's imo something that should be between a psychiatrist and endo foremost before hitting therapy. Like ive spoken to mine about it and we have different views but now that I have I can open up abt that. Like she invited a client to her home. I feel she pushed a bi male into transitioning and imo the trans ppl I know are happy and she doesn't seem happy now at all. She told me to break up with my now ex and treated me like a liar and literally sessions with her felt like interrogation and SUPER judgy and she was VERY FAKE with my parents who were ofc putting on a show for her.

I cannot begin to explain how well my parents are at manipulating therapists and turning it into everything being on me and as soon as I say something in response or try to blow their cover it's WILD because the one thing they don't realize they do is thier facial expressions. They'll either over mask or forget to do it. They always trip up.

Mom likes to play victim and very clueless kind. Dad does this in a different manner, he's subject to get pissed and walk out or raise his voice unless he's gonna act right because you're not a woman.

The weirdest part of having been raised by these people. The way I've studied them since childhood to please them. They adapt and use therapy against me. They don't remember what they've said or done. They seem put out by me telling them "hey what you did was fuckin wrong and yeah I've brought it up before and you shut down and we never settled it" then they'll be like "you just love to hold grudges" etc... but it's not that. I'd like to process it all or what I can. The reason it comes up over and over is because it's not going into memories to be forgotten in my brain. It's just hanging out in the fuckin trauma bay. Like a packed ER.

I am open to whatever type of family therapy is beneficial. Often times my dad is nasty to my mom when she's calling or texting about me. I don't think she deserves any bullshit if she's just relaying a message.

Like they got divorced and still fight like idiot assholes.

She left and I had a fucked up back and was a stoner and kept to myself because my father treated me like a partner to abuse and daughter to control and there's a ton of emotional incest. Dad also talks to young ppl online and what I saw years ago looked like grooming behavior and poor pity me with women of age I hope but still younger than me. Probably because many older men try to influence young women and never emotionally mature correctly and actually accept their age. I remember him on dating sites complaining about how ugly certain women were whose profiles imo were quite lovely and impressive. He acts sorta like an incel.

My sister you'll probably see straight through. She's an actress.

I do want to see with a few sessions if it may be possible to salvage anything with any of them.

What's upsetting is that though I have a poor sense of self...they don't really know me or seem to want to know me.

My psychiatrist thinks it's due to me not being healthy and also that I'm not married and doing the "normal" thing so there's resentment.

Since NONE of them listen to anything I have to say because they're all under the impression I'm trying to control them based on well nothing other than I'm gonna guess THE PAST.

They think I'm frantic. They haven't really read anything about what I deal with. They don't listen to listen. They listen to reply and they cherry pick and twist things I say to mean things they don't.

I don't know how to have a conversation with any of them without them exploding. My dad and mom have literally put me on speaker and walked off and my sister idfk last time I tried to speak to her she was FADED and I hung up.

They all have excuses.

It hurts that they won't accept and educate themselves like my friends do. It's not hard.

I fear they are both VERY mentally unwell and I'd really like to hear what you think.

I do have audio I keep forgetting to show you. I feel it's important and it will give you an idea of what a "light" encounter with them both while having a fucked up back and asking for help because I couldn't do laundry on my own sounds like. I recorded it because it'd already been happening that day and they do the narccistic tornado and I wanted to make sure my words weren't twisted more.

I wish I had more recorded. It's wild.

I'm concerned my dad is fucking with Piper's head but she's already a shitshow (I love my sister but I'm gonna fuss about her crap still)

I feel like I'm playing Squid Games and talking to any of them is a test.

My dad has told me to kill myself and to die and he's left me alone in the hospital after relieving my mom where I was then abused and left in a waiting room with a dead phone and no way to go pee for HOURS because my back was out.

We almost sued OLOL for the maltreatment.

This is not the first time I've been left alone in a hospital and abused.

People think I'm a hypochondriac but I just have a special interest in medical. I grew up in medical environments. Knowing as much as I can retain has kept me safe from further misdiagnosis and malpractice bullshit. I wish I could actually just gent sent to a mayo clinic or idk one of the big hospitals where they use diagnosticians and run you through the gambit.

I know it's not a thing unless ppl are very sick. I mean it was traumatic as a child to be put in NIH testing for a Dermatomyositis study. I don't remember meeting other kids. I just met Ted Kennedy one day while I was playing waiting on another test. It was scary being like 8 and seeing secret service fill a room and guard a door so he could have a photo with me. He did talk to me a ton and I really don't remember what he said. My parents were thrilled and I'm sure there's a cat piss stained picture somewhere.

Did you know that my sister and dad just threw a ton of my things away and donated or tossed most of my books. I had a massive bookshelf. Now it's covered with things that are mine and shit my sister used to make her room aesthetic without asking me.

It has always been hard to go home and get anything from her. I really just want to take everything that was or is mine. Things I gave her and things she stole.

I don't think she realizes I have 2yrs to file a report on the assault and I could take her to court for emotional distress too and probably more.

I've never gotten justice for any of the things that have happened to me.

I wish I could just send all thier asses to prison but they wouldn't survive.

They all think I won't do anything. That's been taunted at me.

They have no clue. They have no clue what they created and they have no clue what goes on in my head.

Sometimes I think that there's something supernatural at play.

I believe in those sorts of things. I don't talk about it much enthusiastically because ofc people like to shit on it.

I know most of the things that haven't been proven by science will eventually be.

I know that also it does exist. Our govt wouldn't have done studies to use ppl with ability for war purposes.

I know a lot of cold reading is fueled by trauma. I don't like to cold read. I think people who sell cold reads etc are just very good at telling others what they want to hear...or they're so desperate they will truly take advice.

When I read things come through and there's this process. It's mind's eye where pictures and words come through. Then I just ask about what I see or deliver whatever messages. I was pushed out of a group that was threatened by my reading. They were threatened because they are frauds. If a message doesn't make sense for someone then I tell them to just take what makes sense. It's often like a crowded room when I read for people. It's been a while since I tried beyond simple shit. I've scared the crap out of friends holding thier hand and reading them. Because they never told me about the people I relayed messages. I didn't just guess. I opened myself up to it and flooded in.

Sometimes I want to get Reiki certification so I can just do that for ppl. I was told by a master that I was a natural energy worker. I was told by native shamans that I was a gatekeeper. My grandmothers had thier little superstitious practices.

This is the part you'll probably want to ask more about if I haven't talked abt it. I've exorcized a demonic or spiritual entity out of a person before. There's no way to prove it. I know what I saw and heard. I wasn't high.

It makes me wonder how many cases are actually supernatural and how many are actually just mental illness.

Also it's been driving me insane Joshua but I know you somehow outside of therapy. I do wonder if we've just been at the same place at the same time more than once and that's why I remember your face or if we have many mutual ppl. This is a big city small town so who knows. I hope it doesn't fuck up th Or you have a doppelganger 🤷🏻‍♀️

Idk.

I think one reason ppl think me and Travis would be a pair is because he's just a really kind good person. This extends beyond me and to others he knows. His family really is picturesque. They are excellent people. He will make someone incredibly happy one day. I am really bothered by people passing him over. He's actually looking for a therapist. I wouldn't be bothered if any of my friends saw you as a patient. The whole "oh no we can't do therapy with people you know" thing imo is silly. People in this state all know each other to the point it's just goofy.

My partner called me all excited that he didn't have to work overnight. He called because he was going out and felt bad that he wouldn't get to chat with me and had planned on doing so and had been excited to do so. He actually said "I Love you" more than once and I told him to go have fun. Saying I Love you is difficult for him sometimes. Am I sad I'm not getting to talk to him? Yes. Am I happy he got out of a stressful work night to enjoy time with his buddies or other partner? Yes, why wouldn't I be? I do get sad that I can't be there but it's still better than half the mfers that are just overgrown fuckbois etc that don't even have the emotional maturity to call.

I'm gonna go smoke out, do smol bit of laundry in my travel laundry bucket thing, eat decent food, stay up to an asinine hour, and play Sims4.

Hopefully no dumb bullshit occurs.

I cannot and I'm not the one this evening.

Goodnight

[jjungkooksthighs]

Jin.. you there? I'm sorry for reaching out so many times.. please do let me know if this bothers you.. I understand. but, I think I fucked up today,.

I hurt alpha kook real bad. Really bad.

I've been super irritable lately, with the tiniest of things, and I- i guess I didn't know where to draw the line with my blatant disobedience and brattiness. and i think i've done this way too many times to even be worthy of asking for forgiveness. I've.. ive put the words "I'm sorry" to shame with how carelessly I've used them and with how often I've had to use them. oh god it hurts to even think that it's me who's hurt him so many times.

Just the thought of being "the one" for him makes me wince.. he deserves better.. I've been such an.. such an ungrateful fucking bitch. I always knew that the bratty part of me was good for nothing and yet I never did anything about it. He always knew how to handle it and I guess I.. took him for granted. I insist on communication and all that fancy bullshit when I myself can't seem to communicate well. I'm such a hypocritical dumbass..

But as unworthy as I feel, I need him in my life. I love him way too much to just let him go.. and I know that's selfish of me, oh so selfish, but I have got to at least try if I want to respect the love he's shown me. But.. I don't know how. I'm very..lost.

Please, advice. What would you do if you were in my place?

Of course, if this is bothering you, I understand. I really do. Please, be honest. I'd much rather have you tell me than keep it in. (Oh god, see? So hypocritical, yet again, i insist on this communication, but I couldn't do the same with him. Feel like such a-..)

You do not bother me. We are of the same dynamic, you and I. I find it nice to be able to share my wisdom with one such as you, who has caught the eye and the heart of the Pack Leader.

My mate has never seen the Pack Leader so happy, and because of that, my male is happy. That's how close those two are. One's happiness is the other's.

That goes for other emotions, too. And from what I hear, Namjoon has been rather forlorn as of late. It only leaves him when he's with me of course, but it returns to him the second he finds himself without me.

Why have you been irritable? Have you been bleeding regularly? If your cycle has not come or been late, perhaps that is contributing to this. When was the last time you two coupled? There's a chance you could be with child. That would explain the mood swings you describe.

Oh, and why is it you feel you've apologizing so much? What is it you have been doing in particular that you end up saying that to the degree you do? It's okay to be unfamiliar with how to behave once an alpha has made their claim on you.

They each expect different things from us, and for many of us, we do not know what we need to do to please them. Are you frustrated because he's expecting you to do things you do not know how to do?

Trust me in one thing: he would not have chosen you if he did not see the rest of his life with you. Many have thrown themselves at the Pack Leader. None were ever given the light of day. There is only one that I have heard Namjoon speak to me of all this time.

You.

You may feel like an imposter. You may feel like you're not the one, but I assure you that you are. The day that you presented, do you want to know what Namjoon told me your male did?

Your alpha's den smelled so strongly of his own essence, so strongly of sweat and his own sex, that even Namjoon could smell it from miles, miles, and miles away. Worried, he went to see your alpha. And when he got to your alpha's den, he found was shredded sheets, tattered, torn curtains, and a broken bed.

Sat atop of it, your alpha's eyes were hazy with desire, but despite it all, while he trembled from the lapsing control that slipped from him every second that passed, he asked Namjoon to contain him.

To imprison him so that he did not come from you without reins on his control in how much he fancied you.

Your alpha let Namjoon cuff him in thick bands of silver that circled his arms from top to bottom. And Namjoon told me that even in the midday sun, as he sat beside your alpha who had been biting his lips until they bled, that all he could think about was how shameful it would be if you saw him in such a state.

Even bound in chains–twelve sets of them– from his wrists to his torso to his ankles, he still cared more for your wellbeing, your thoughts of him, than his own.

What I'm saying is that he is so very besotted with you. And I can tell you ways you could go about making amends, but he fell in love not with me, but with you.

That means a solution you find and come up with will mean more to him than anything else. Why? Because it is something entirely your own. And you're more than worthy of the Pack Leader. You do not share his eyes for nothing.

You are his destiny. And you are his fate. He knows that and believes it more than anyone else in this pack.

What I would do is probably not the same as what you will end up doing, but I will tell you nonetheless since you asked.

If I were you, I would seek him out. Let him know through your behavior and acts that you want his forgiveness.

You read a lot, do you not? I hear from Namjoon that he enjoys listening to you read to him. Why not write something of your own and dedicate it to him? Something like a poem or love letter?

[yesimwriting]

hiii, this might seem weird but do u have any head cannons for when the reader is pregnant and how the Darkling would react?

a/n love this concept,, it's not weird at all!! i feel like there's so much here!! also i leave for college this month and im lowkey starting to freak out so ive been watching star wars movies for comfort 😭and now i have half a mind to write for them, especially the prequels (cough, cough,, anakin) 😭 😭 that should tell you where i am mentally

anyways lets get into the headcanons:))

--

- okay so like most of my headcanons, this is probably going to be all over the place bc i feel like so many different things could change how he would react. Like if the darkling x reader have been trying to get pregnant, or an unplanned pregnancy with someone he really likes, i also think whether or not the reader is a grisha affects his reaction too

- in general though, i think he'd lowkey have a breeding kink he'd def find something about the thought of you having his child really attractive bc for one thing, he wouldn't have to worry about being left alone and now he has an excuse to be a real 'protector'.

- also if youve read my other headcanons i am 100000% convinced that he has this thing where if he really likes someone he needs them to need him (let's all remember the whole 'i will strip you of everything you know and love speech until I'm your only shelter' speech he gave to Alina)

- also i kinda want to write a fic or blurb series or something that's just the darkling being super toxic in super thoughtful ways LMAO if that makes sense, like he's being super sweet but it's to make sure the reader is dependent on him

- and he def wants to be the protector to give himself some sense of assurance bc he's so desperate to not be alone anymore and bc the reader is the only person he has/loves, he wants to feel in control and like he's the less attached one

- okay,, let's get back to the pregnancy thing, anyways, your pregnancy is most definitely activating all of those senses and this was meant to be a sub plot but it kind of became it's own thing lol

- so lets get to the actual pregnancy reaction

if you two have been trying to get pregnant:

- when you tell him, he kind of like, pauses bc it's not every day that he gets surprised so it takes him a moment to register that he's experiencing shock lol, so he tenses and goes islent

- and then after he realizes that he's surprised and that it's bc of a good thing, he manages to relax

- meanwhile you're kind of freaking out bc he got so quiet?? you start to wonder if he's regretting ever wanting a child with you? and you're like two seconds away from a downspiral and then he...

- he touches your cheek and looks at you in a way you've never seen him look at anyone,, not even you

- the look is so warm and strong and full of fierce admiration that you feel foolish for ever thinking he didn't want this. And then he says something about how you're carrying his child and how he didn't realize he could adore you more and then he kisses you and it's all :)) warm:)

- he doesn't want anyone to know that he's expecting a child as long as possible bc of how many enemies he has and how he has to worry about you enough when people just know that you're his 'lover' (a title you never really liked, but one he tells you is necessary to make sure no one realizes the extent of his attachment)

- if you really want to tell your mother or someone of that relation, he won't be mad about it, but he just needs to know

- Genya is the only exception bc the darkling basically instructs her to look out for you,, but when you tell her she's like oh?? you guys just found out?

- miss girl most definitely noticed like a day and a half ago after you cried bc she couldn't find you ice cream the other night 😭and she just assumed you knew but weren't ready to tell anyone

- okay so this what i think is his most problematic expecting father trait would be. So i just ranted about how important secrecy would be to him but he's also the most overprotective person in the entire world,, like he was bad before but once he knows your with child?? yeah, if a man asks you about the weather, he's done for

- he's next to you in a second, ordering either you or the man to do some asinine task

- if you get mad about this (rightfully so) or even just point out how nothing is wrong and you having a casual conversation with a man who isn't even looking at you sexually won't hurt you or the baby, he'll lose rationality

- it depends on how much you push, but it'd be super easy to make him super possessive bc like i said, being bonded by a child has made him so much more intense (and he was pretty intense before)

- and if you push too much he'll lowkey forget about how cautious he's trying to be with you and pin you against the nearest wall and say something along the lines of 'are you already forgetting you're mine? that i own you, body and soul--is my child growing in you not enough of a reminder? because i'll give you another one if you need it.' (AH--i want to write a whole fic based on this line)

- also if the reader is grisha, especially if she's a sun summoner/special grisha like him, he def talks about the power that they've created and how proud he already is and how he can't wait to train together and be the most powerful family in the world

- not everything is perfectly happy though, bc now he feels more pressure to complete his plan and establish the world he wants his child to be born into

- so sometimes when he's working extra hard or is extra aggressive for no reason, you have to work at calming him down and reminding him that the best thing he can do for his child is be there for them (and the child's mother,, lol)

- sometimes he'll respond by actually listening to you and trying to make up for his absence or his aggression by being extra soft until you finally forgive him

- you never last that long, it's hard to be mad at him when he's coddling you and whispering such sweet things about he's so happy to have you and your future child

- overall, his first reaction is to swell with emotion, which he isn't used to, and so he becomes super protective but also extra lovey and you know that his overreactions are just him trying to show that he cares about you and your future child more than anything

If the pregnancy was unplanned:

- the initial reaction is pretty similar, only his state of shock lasts longer

- like i said at the beginning, he's not used to being surprised and an accidental pregnancy is so much more surprising than a planned pregnancy

- this really sucks for you bc he's not exactly known for his patience so you just kinda sit there and genuinely wonder if you're going to be a single mom or if you're going to want to deletus the fetus or something

- but then he takes a step towards you and you see how he's looking at you and you just know that that fierceness has to mean something good

- and at this point you're scared and nervous and feel so alone so tears are pricking at your eyes,, so he wipes his thumb across your cheek to wipe away tears you won't let spill

- he then whispers something really sweet about how you two are now together forever, as you should be

- it's really relieving bc you felt so alone and uncertain and he's such a smooth speaker that by the end of the night, you feel like this is a good thing

- if youre still hesitant/weighing your options, he's not above trying to (gently) manipulate you into thinking that what he wants may be the only way

- by that,, i don't mean outright tricking you bc he means everything he says, but he def is pushing the keeping the baby agenda,, especially if you're a grisha,, and even more so if you're a grisha with similar power levels to him

- he won't get angry at first bc he's not so out of touch that he's unaware of how shocking a pregnancy is to a woman who wasn't planning one,, but his patience is limited and if you fight it too much he will get mad and yell

- but unless you really don't want to have a child, it won't get to that bc he makes the idea of having a baby with him sound so perfect?? like you genuinely don't understand how he did that

- he chases away all of your worries and assures you that youre not alone and that even though it isn't planned he wouldn't rather anyone else carry his child

- the initial conversation would probably end in you two sleeping together again bc he finds the fact that you're carrying his child so attractive and bc being aware of the pregnancy makes him more possessive

- it's also a good way to fight any of your doubts

- speaking of being possessive though,, i feel like he could be a little more possessive/protective of a reader who didn't plan on getting pregnant bc your relationship has been less established

- no one sees you as anything to him and he doesn't want to start rumors now bc it's important to him that his enemies don't find out about you or his future child so he doesn't want that to change

- but he almost forgets about all of those reasons each time he sees a man get a little too close,, especially if that guy is flirty

- it takes all of his will power to not just go 'she's mine and if i wasn't worried about the stress that witnessing something violent would cause our unborn child, you'd be dead already, but if you're not gone by the time i turn around, i'll forget about caution'

- lots of close calls ngl!! at one point youre like 'if it bothers you so much, maybe you should tell someone??' and he's like 'no,, maybe,, shut up' and then you raise one eyebrow and he just closes his mouth and is like 'i mean,, i'll kiss you to shut you up, haha--dont be mad'

- youre the one that's pregnant but sometimes you think he might be the one experiencing the mood swings i swear 😭

- so your little theory gets tested,, he's not the type to gossip with his besties and be like 'guess who's officially my girlfriend, i knocked her up but it's not like it sounds--'

- so he's like ig you can tell genya

- once again genya is like ?? yall thought you were keeping that secret? couldn't be me

- but having it a little out in the open helps ease him just enough that youre actually capable of consoling him when he becomes jealous

- still though,, he's quick to go into possessive/pregnancy kink sex

- youre most def not mad about it,, unless pregnancy has you particularly sore

- he's normally pretty understanding about that and def doesn't mind pulling his weight in the bedroom when he needs

- honestly he'd be really good at being a source of calmness at the beginning, but as time goes on he becomes more and more worried about finishing his plans bc he didn't expect to have a child right now

- so he'd be more adamant about working/becoming more tense and would be more difficult to console if it was an accidental pregnancy

- when you call him out on it--or on anything while your pregnant--it's frustrating for you both bc the number one thing everyone knows is stress is bad for baby, so he's trying to keep you calm without backing down

- these argument always end with one of you clinging to the other,, and then the more angrier of the two just like shuts up, rolls their eyes, and lets go of the argument...at least for now

- the main difference between an accidental and intentional pregnancy would probably be how you perceive him,, bc an intentional pregnancy means youve talked about things but since you havent talked about anything your shocked about how soft he becomes ??

[life-on-the-rocks]

Ketamine Treatment #3 & #4

Treatment number three was unfortunately not as much of an "experience" as the last two treatments, so I decided to combine numbers 3 and 4, so it's a long interesting one!

I started dosing down on my anti-psychotic and noticed that I became easily agitated. This is not new to me; every time I come off my medicine, I go through a period where I get agitated quickly. I hate this feeling because I tend to hurt the people I love by giving attitudes I don't mean to give.

When I got to the Ketamine clinic for treatment number three, I explained my agitation, and they reassured me that things would get better, that I was experiencing normal human emotions.

My last trip was pretty intense, so I would stay at my dose of 40mg, but they told me that my body would start getting used to the medicine and that I was at the clinic to work on myself, not just stay relaxed for 40 minutes. So to 45mg, we went!

I put my headphones in, and after 5 minutes, my brain was ready to start working.

This time it wasn't as intense; it was more relaxing. I often open my eyes every once in a while to see how the visuals of my trip. When I opened my eyes, I saw a picture on the wall with a fish in it; that fish, for some reason, reminded me of my best friend, that passed away in 2019. The only connection I could make between the two was that she was finally free. Free to float through the wide-open ocean and experience so many beautiful things. I don't know why my brain perceived this picture this way, but it made me think that she wanted to tell me that she was okay and that I would be okay.

I was highly relaxed, but that was most of my trip besides the fish visual. I believe my body needed the rest; I've been extremely exhausted, and being able to relax and go into my own little world is precisely what my body and mind needed.

Treatment number 4!

After my last treatment, I wasn't worried about going up on my dose this time, we decided to go up from 45mg to 50mg, and I was ready! The whole reason I wanted to do this was to get an experience to finally heal from what has been hurting and haunting me for so long. The dreaded depression and worry just wouldn't stop. Well, I found that in ketamine treatment.

We started the IV, I put my headphones in, and there I went (:

About five minutes into my treatment, my body relaxed, and my mind started to work.

The music I listen to never has words; it's usually a symphony type. I always listen to the same songs, but this time I decided to start from further down in the playlist. This song started In a "calm" tone. I felt myself going "up." When I say going "up," it kind of feels like my body is being lifted up by something to brightness, and I feel super light. The weight is finally lifted off of my shoulders. Then the song took a turn, transferring into a deeper, more dark tone. At this moment, I saw myself going "down." The weight on my shoulders and legs was so heavy that I couldn't hold myself up. The sound was so intense, and it was still darker in tone. As I tentatively waited for the brightness and lightness to come back, I realized something; I realized that this is where I have been for so long in my life.

This whole part of my trip was a metaphor to make me really feel and see what I have been experiencing for so so long in my life. The depression holds you down like cinderblocks tied to your feet and falling in the ocean, trying to survive on your own; even though there is light at the top, it is so hard to find when you feel like you have no control.

But once you find that top, it's one hell of a ride.

Finally! the music went back up, and I was ecstatic! I felt happiness, faith, and love, and I felt super light again. This is where I am going, I am not there 100% yet, but I have faith that I will get there today. The feeling of wanting to live and wanting to see where your life goes is something I don't remember feeling, but it is incredible.

Today, I have goals. I am genuinely feeling happy, and one day, you can too.

Please heart this post if you enjoy reading these and think I should keep writing more!

ALWAYS feel free to message me or comment if you have any questions, much love to you all<3

[actualbird]

0/////0 do u have any spicy marius thoughts? the more luke or luke AND mc involved the better.... the thought of this threesome grabbed me by the balls and simply will not let go. do u see marius actually being interested in luke, or just bitter and in denial abt him being so likeable?

[n/s//f///w text in answer]

hello anon!!! ive actually been thinking about marius/mc/luke ever since i wrote “instructions unclear...” but i have a...very convoluted and long winded vision of how it would actually happen

if u want the gist: marius in love with mc -> marius/luke FWB -> luke/mc -> marius heartbroken over BOTH OF THEM -> communication happens -> marius/mc/luke happy ending

if u want the Full Story and are willing to bear with me for a bit, i imagine it like this:

despite being the youngest of the NXX gang, marius has fucked before. he's fucked a bunch, actually. it's fun and he's good at it so for a while he treats sex like the rest of his hobbies, but the thing is that That's All Sex Is To Him. by the time he's 21, he's got a good number of casual one night stands in his pocket, but deep down, he....kinda wants more than a quick roll around in the sheets. he wants to not have to slip out of their bed before they wake up, he wants to make breakfast for them when they wake up, he wants something more than the song Temporary Bliss by The Cab.

and then he meets mc and for the first time in his life, he's in love.

he's never been in love before so he kinda sucks at expressing sincerity, resorting to making himself look like a massive tool most of the time, but mc, god bless her, still likes him in spite of that. in marius' heart, a deep and fragile yearning he has no idea how to show and, well. marius isnt used to not being good at things. marius doesnt like not being good at things.

enter luke pearce.

to answer your question, anon, i do think marius in this scenario would be interested in him, but for a period of time, that interest is muddled by bitter jealousy. because come on, luke pearce, who is made of fucking sunshine and rainbows and is a super spy and is mc's childhood best friend, like, how the hell is marius supposed to go against that? marius hates luke! he hates him! //insert entirety of "instructions unclear..." to express the point im getting here but moving on from that like

marius does eventually, begrudgingly, come to terms with the fact that he's attracted to luke, but that actually makes his feelings situation worse because he can (at least on a superficial level) see that luke has got even MORE GOING IN HIS FAVOR.

//distressed marius noises

but here comes the kicker. one day, luke approaches marius, and huh, he's nervous, he's fidgeting with his key, he's---

luke: can you have sex me?

marius: WHAT

---HE'S PROPOSITIONING HIM????

luke then goes to explain, quite embarrassed, that he has no sexual experience whatsoever---which comes as a shock to marius, what with how luke looks like how he Looks Like---and that he wants to learn how to do things. luke doesnt have many friends (vyn scares him, artem is a virgin too, and aaron, just, no, oh god, no) and marius asks "okayyyy, why not mc?" and luke blushes and goes "she's...kind of who i want to be good for..."

marius, at this point, is feeling a lot of emotions. on one hand, theres a very very hot man asking for a fuck. on the other, this man wants the said fuck to be better when he gets with the woman marius is in love with. the logical thing to do would be to reject luke, because duh, but marius...marius doesnt like not being good at things. for a while now, he's had to deal with being bad at love, but now, there's an opportunity to show his competition that he's got advantage in this arena?

needless to say, marius says yes. and thus begins marius/luke Friends With Benefits funtime.

marius is very smug, every time he and luke have sex. he cant help that rush of power he feels when he one ups luke, when he takes luke's cock down his throat, when he hears luke's punched out moans. he loves seeing luke out of his element, whining and flushed and destroyed. they have a LOT of sex, in this point of the story, all under the flimsy guise of "teaching luke". marius talks luke through how to kiss, how to touch, how to fuck.

"you need to up your stamina," marius says, getting down on his knees. "lesson for today is don't come for as long as you can, got it, super spy?"

"got i----oh my fucking god, Marius!"

the tables turn eventually though because luke pearce is a fast learner, and soon enough, marius isnt in control all of the time anymore. luke pushes back, luke uses his knowledge of marius' body against him, luke makes marius see fucking stars.

this would have been all well and good, marius is used to casual sex afterall, but luke pearce, as we've established earlier, is nice. he's nice. he doesn't let marius leave his bed in the middle of the night because he's cuddling marius like a squid the entire time. he always makes breakfast for marius before he leaves in the morning because over the course of the FWB thing luke learned marius' tendency to skip meals out of corporate induced stress. luke always holds marius, holds him as if he's something worth more than his dick and what it can do, and marius realizes, day by day, that he has made a terrible mistake.

marius is bad at love. and he just had to go and fall in love with luke pearce too.

//makes vague hand gestures because im starting to run out of steam so i'll speed this bit up. plot happens here where luke and marius stop doing the FWB thing because marius feels the need to distance himself. luke is hurt, but accepts, and then somehow luke gets with mc which causes an Angst Bonanza for marius because he's heartbroken as hell over the BOTH OF THEM. somehow somebody realizes theyve all been idiots and the three of them have a conversation where they actually communicate, and then they all get together and live happily ever after.

and have awesome threesomes, yes, but i didnt realize this answer got this long and now im too tired to describe the threesome kJBKSJBKFGSD

anon, i would like to apologize to you, because you asked some very simple questions and i gave you this trainwreck of an answer that's....holy fuck, 1000+ WORDS LONG?? IM SO SORRY

but also, anon, how dare you for this. now that ive written all of this out, i am possessed by a need to make it a full fic. how could you do this to me. 

[marshmallowprotection]

hii i want to request a matchup if ure still doing that!!

my name is eda, i go be he/she and im bi, my love language is quality time and acts of service, im intp 5w4 sp/so and leo sun

im super socially awkward lol people ussually think i dont want to talk to them, at first they think im intimidating or judgy but im actually really open minded and caring for the people im close with i just dont rlly like strangers being clingy w me thats just annoying

im not really good at showing emotions and care but i really do try my best;; i sometimes seem salty but thats my kinda way of showing affection when im not in the mood but still wanna somehow say i love you i just bad with words and i hate physical touch, but im also rlly touch starved and its in a loop lol

i sometimes just wanna be all by myself when someone gets really close during those"ghosting everyone" times i become distant with them its not on purpose but i just need a lot of alone time

i like listening people gush about their interests a lot i can listen my s/o ranting about their nerd stuff for hours and not even lose interest if theyre talking about that thing passionately it just so cute;;;

im able to sense peoples emotions, especially my close ones, i can read them like an open book they dont even need to talk and ill know whats the problem but even tho i know peoples feelings, i can never emphasize i just find it weird to show emotions, i dont tell them what i think about this and just roll with it but they seem to notice if this took for a long time and that ruins my relationships with people i cant get close to anyone because of this

my last break up was lack of communication in our relationship because it all happened too fast, im much more into a relationship where we would be much of a friend than a lover in the relationship and communicate about our feelings and thoughts so i need to get close to them slowly and this slow time is sometimes takes more than 6 months just to start dating and not just "hanging out as friends" its also because i have big trust issues lol

tw sh!! ive been struggling with ed and sh for a few years now but i honestly dont want my partner to worry about that, people think it sound unrealistic because this is about my health and even my life but i dont see any issues with these they become a part of my life atp i want my s/o to be able to not worry too much about it at least;; i just cant take confrontation id get scared and run away

im studying english literatue at uni and i part time work in an office as a translator, i live alone and im capable of doing everything i need in my life without help of family or anyone at all and when in a relationship i dont really depend on my partner too i like the independence but i like when my close ones rely on me because id do basically anything they need i like spoiling my close ones a lot

i think i said too much about myself sorry i dont really know how to do this lol have a nice day mwah :*

I match you with...

Jumin!

You’re the kind of person who wonders if you’re doing this whole life thing right. You second-guess yourself and don't know if what you're saying is going to interest somebody. It’s an insecurity you know you need to work on if you want to grow. Ideally, your goal is to be able to be happy with somebody that you don't have to be afraid of. You don't want to be afraid if they don't like you or don't want you the way that you want them. For that reason, you need somebody in your life who can never be misconstrued or misunderstood. In your case, that happens to be Jumin Han. Who else in this world is capable of making sure that there is nothing to be misunderstood? 

You get along so well because you both look at life the same way. You do things that need to be done without complaint and you generally don't ask for help. The one thing that the two of you could stand to learn would be to give up control now and again to those that you trust. It's okay to take a step back into the passenger seat now and again. You don't have to be afraid of something going wrong as long as you believe in that person you trust. That’s how Jumin sees you. He would never back you into a corner or make you do something that you don't want to do, but he would reasonably look at you and ask if you needed his help every step of the way just because he cares. 

[actualsunflower]

I have a huge life update to share rn--- My top surgery consultation is scheduled for July 5th!!!! I’M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I’ve also been vaccinated!! :D ANNNDDD MY LEGAL NAME AND SEX HAVE BEEN CHANGEDD!!!!! :DDDD kind of a lot has happened since I’ve been actually active around here But now I guess is the much harder part, my official surgery date will be set at the consultation, but there’s a required $1,000 fee to set the official date for my surgery. The $1,000 covers a portion of the surgery as well, and the base price for the surgery is $8,500. I’ll get the exact price on July 5th, but that’s their base rate. I need to earn or raise at least $1,000 of the total cost before July 5th to secure my surgery date!! I’m going to take commissions when I can, I have 1 almost entirely complete right now and then I can take on more! I’m gonna have a more detailed explanation of everything under the cut so this isnt super super long so pls read under there if you want all the deets Pls consider commissioning me or donating so I can get top surgery!! read more for more info and me being sappy abt my emotions--

I’ve waited so long for this and I’m fricken excited, it’s the last step in transitioning for me! It really means everything for me, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I can’t believe it’s finally happening !?!!! I am forever in everyones debt here and everywhere because I never wouldve even been able to start hrt if it wasn’t for the help here. I’m just so. Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude I cant even tell how many times Ive cried and just felt like... actual gender euphoria since starting t..

So abt the appointment, I’m getting surgery with Dr. Javad Sajan, and I’m getting button hole double incision. Im serious his before and after pictures make me so emotional I am so happy and emotional for those people and I cannot wait to feel that kind of happiness and relief. But a big problem about this for me, is that he is in Seattle, and I live in southern Oregon. I can’t drive, so I have to rely on someone else, or take the train from a nearby city (Eugene). My consultation is over skype (which is amazing and a huge relief), but my pre-op appointment is in person, and of course so is the actual surgery. We’re planning on taking the train from Eugene because it seems to be the most reliable way to get there and back each time. Aside from my surgery, I’ve got to cover the price of the trip there and back (twice, once there and back for pre-op, once there and back post op,) and the price of a place to stay during the pre-op appointment. Right now my goal cost wise, is just the booking and base appointment price ($8,500, that’s including the $1,000 appointment setting deposit, which is just a part of the surgery cost and the base covers everything, surgery, the stay at the hospital, nips, anesthesia, everything). The full price is due at the pre-op appointment, and that’s the final bill. My insurance doesn’t cover anything because it’s out of state and county, and because its informed consent model. (which Im choosing because Id have to battle insurance for 2 years minimum if I was getting the surgery in Oregon, but I am very set on my surgeon after considering everything and calling many offices and looking through many subreddits and talking to ppl who’ve gotten it here and there) A lot of this information is on their site as well. As soon as I have my consultation, I will be right here to update everything and set the exact price, which I’ll also be including the price of transportation and staying there. As for paying, I’ve been applying to so many jobs, and even when I get interviews I never hear back from them. People keep telling me to stop admitting I’m disabled but I just can’t do that. Lying about being disabled doesnt make me abled and they don’t get that. I’m still trying though, and I am not going to stop trying until I get a job. But until then commissions and donations are my only source of income. I’ve been struggling getting help psychologically, because I have schizophrenia, and because I was diagnosed with adhd as a child, but I think I’m actually autistic rather than having adhd, and it’s been really hard trying to get diagnosed because I keep getting pushed off or told I cant have autism because I have paranoid schizophrenia or because its “just adhd”, but the medications are just making everything worse, and Ive tried more than one already. My medications for schizophrenia have started not working right, and when my schizophrenia meds get under control, it makes my adhd (?) significantly worse. Genuinely, I really dont know what’s happening. I really dont know whats going on with me right now and it’s hard and confusing and I keep swinging back and forth and it’s making everything deteriorate so fast I cant keep up with it. It seriously effects my ability to do anything at all, even art, and its been like this for the last 6 months. I am trying though, still trying to work, still trying to get a job, still trying to get a real diagnosis and help and Im not going to stop any of that. But I think getting top surgery as soon as possible is going to help me too, because dysphoria has just gotten so much worse focusing on my chest since t has started helping me pass and look so much more masculine. It’s like all my attention went from everything DIRECTLY to my chest and its almost unbearable. Even now since my sex has been legally changed I keep having the horrible thoughts of ‘why, why I am a man Im not supposed to be this way’ and shit idk. I’m getting too serious right now I have an appointment with the dmv to get a new updated driver’s permit with my name and fixed legal sex, and when I do that I can set up a bank account (I cant yet bcs I dont have a valid id/ id at all because I actually lost the other one and have been carrying around that paper one you’re supposed to destroy that is literally from 2016) and when I do, I’m going to set up a proper gofundme for my surgery and the travel expenses, but for now all I have is my paypal and online banking savings account. I’ll get that up asap once I have my id, though (Ive already been to the bank with my notarized judge passed papers and they wont take those yeah I know it’s stupid its like the same thing) But uhhh yeah! Thank you for reading this far if you did lol and considering helping me bcs my god, it literally means everything to me. pls share hehe

[isthatbloodonhisshirt]

Hi! I have a couple of questions about Actions Speaks Louder, I completely understand if you choose not to answer or if takes awhile for you to get around to this ask since i see you've been busy and just because I love your fic it doesn't make me entitled to anything. But! I'd feel very honored if you humored me! This is probably the 6th or 7th time ive read Actions, it's embarrassing, but this fic kinda feels like home. It's my comfort fic and I'm soso in love with it. So everyone who just meets him, stares at stiles. and I know the most obvious reason is because their amazed at seeing the last living spark. But I don't think it's ever been stated if stiles actually does look any certain way because he's a spark. Like how elves have pointy ears, or how werewolves get weird side burns when theyre in beta shift. (Actually now that I remember, he does get weird markings with different spells he does) But Is stiles maybe strangely paler than everyone else? Or are his eyes just a bit more rounder and bigger and a brighter brown to the point you can tell he's something other than human? Like, what do other people think/see when they look at stiles? Idk if this is rude, but I wish I could write. I have so many ideas I've been thinking for this story lately, I'd love to add my own second part. Or more like my own little fanfic for this fanfic. (Of course itd be with your permission and consent but sadly I can't write so it's all just day dreams and thoughts I fall asleep to) Even if you dont answer, I also wanna say thank you so much for writing this fic. I hope this makes sense, but this fic is to me what Harry Potter is to others. I don't even like Harry Potter, this fic is 1000x better. Sorry for the long ask, I hope you have a good day!

Greetings Anon o/

First off, you’re a sweetheart, thank you very much, for real ;~; I am literally super slow at replies lately in all ways and I feel like crap over it but general comment to say if you messaged me or sent me an ask and I haven’t replied, I am not ignoring you, I am just in the negative numbers for spoons and doing my best |D

But that aside! I always find it mind-blowing when people say they’ve read Actions more than two times, thank you so much ;~; That’s seriously amazing and I appreciate the support, thank you!!!

With regard to your question, Stiles doesn’t look any different :) The people working for Deucalion who caught up to him were in awe because they knew he was the Spark so they were like O_O at the sight of him. The people in Beacon Hills also knew he was the Spark, so they reacted accordingly, but he doesn’t look any different. It’s why Satomi and Ennis and all of the teachers he had didn’t realize he was the Spark (until he did something to out himself), because he looks like anyone else.

Mason could tell he was different, but that’s because he had his own type of magic, and he could see things with the naked eye that others couldn’t (like the curse on Derek, for example). But no one else could look at Stiles and just know. People had to already know he was the Spark to react the way they did, it’s why he was fine growing up moving around all the time. The only reason he kept moving was because Gerard and Deucalion (and others) were always looking for him and because they knew about his dad and Derek (and Laura), it was easier for them to follow their trail.

Stiles’ magic coming out differently is more just him not being able to control it at first. He got the electricity and the shadows and whatnot because his magic was reacting to his emotions, but once he started understanding himself a bit more closer to the end of the fic, that stopped because it was all about learning :) 

And you are super sweet, for real, thank you! I find it so awesome and kind that you want to write fanfic about a fanfic! Seriously, that’s a huge compliment, thank you so much ;~; And hey man, if you ever feel like giving a crack at it, you’re more than welcome. I’m sure you’re better than you think you are!

Seriously, thank you so, so much. I’m honestly super happy you like the fic so much and that you have questions about it because you’ve read it so many times <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

[innittowinit]

INNITTOWINIT’S SUPER COOL MCYT FIC REC POST

FIRST OF ALL READ ALL OF MY FICS. THEY ARE POGGERS AND YOU WONT REGRET IT.

DONE? OKAY NOW YOU CAN READ OTHER FICS

(psst also if you want your fic taken off this list for whatever reason shoot me a pm)

Completed- multi chapter

-  kindred spirits by arochill

In which one man leaves his dream job and learns that taking care of three monster children may be better than anything else he could ever ask for.

literally so sweet, some sad parts but its a very soft read i love it

-  (this is home) by Lillian_nator for free_cookiesx

Tommy finally found the thing that he has been missing for the past 7 months. A home. People. A family. Please, just let everything be okay. 

some VERY sad parts but this one is more angst with a happy ending, i love it so much it was one of the first fics i read

-  pick me up, take me home by meridies for manciissuperior

With barely three hours notice, single father Phil receives a new child to foster. And unlike his two other adopted children, Wilbur and Techno, Tommy is seemingly hellbent on creating chaos. As their close-knit family begins falling apart, all four of them are forced to learn what it truly means to have one another.

DOOD literally such realistic interactions between the boys, its so good i felt so many emotions

Ongoing- Multi chapter

-  A Very Odd Family, Indeed by opheliabloo

It all started in the nether, all those years ago.

A retired warrior, father to the most fearsome fighter in the land, a sharp-eyed leader with a dangerous spark, and a boy who could turn mountains to dust if he put his mind to it.

Yes. They were a very odd family, indeed.

!!!!! im reading this at the moment, im on chapter 14 and i love it so much! this fic ripped out myheart but in a good way

-  You're Still Our Brothers, And We Will Fight For You by Your_Resident_Witch

Phil gets a letter from Tommy saying that Wilbur has gone insane and asking him to come and help.

SBI FAMILY AWOOGA deadass though this is such a good read for when you just want some good ol family feels, based in dream smp but its canon divergent

-  Phil accidentally becomes a father - A series of short SBI Found Family stories by CagedPuddle

Phil was an average man who lived an average life. He woke up every morning, got dressed, ate breakfast, and grabbed his fishing pole before fishing for the rest of the day. He was young, barely an adult, and he already had the rest of his life practically planned out. Well… at least until THAT day.

Piglin technoblade owns myheart!!! Each chapter more or less can work on it’s own so its good for when your feeling and you wanna get a really specific part but dont feel like reading a bunch of chapters

-  "It's Like Watching Your Little Brother" by SunOfIcarus

After hearing Wilbur describe Tommy as a younger brother, I haven't been able to get it out of my head since.

A collection of one-shots about Wilbur and Tommy having a sibling dynamic! 

DOOD one of the first fics i started reading, there is a story in this book for any emotion i s2g its so good

-  Where are your parents? by C4pricornC4ts

Wilbur, Techno, and Tommy decide to run away. Tommy is an optimist, Techno likes to disappear for days at a time and Wilbur is just trying to keep his makeshift family together.

Philza notices a struggling teenager and tries his best.

ANOTHER ONE IVE BEEN READING FOR AGES dood im obsessed with this era deadass, this fic is so soft and i love it so much, it made me feel so many things and book store owner phil owns my heart

Oneshots

-  chin up king, your crown is slipping by cryptibs

this is basically just set in a kingdom AU! in the end notes i'll add what the other SBI members positions are in the kingdom! (if you're curious)

SICKFIC POG can’t go wrong with a good sickfic deadass, techno is king in this too!!!! Plus we all know i love wilbur and technos friendship

-  core by qar

Wilbur lashes out. Tommy is a little upset. Phil's on damage control.

A good one to read when someone hurts you, its so good and the perfect amount of hurt and comfort

-  10 Years by amooniesong

Technoblade is touch-starved, Wilbur won't stand for that.

WILBUR TRAVELS TO AMERICA TO GIVE THIS MAN A HUG!!! WE ALL KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT WIL AND TECHNO FRIENDSHIP

-  wilbur isn't handling online school well by leggyman

just a one-shot of wilbur not handling school.

Felt this one sm, i am the same wilbur dont worry, also tommy is so so sweet in this, a good one to read if youre getting overwhelmed

-  the art and (mine)craft of war by bluesandbirds

Tommy is a gremlin. An absolute, evil gremlin child and sometimes it's a curse to be related to him. But who is this Dream guy, and why is Tommy suddenly talking about him all the time?

TECHNO JEALOUS god they really were just fighting for his attention werent they lmao, i love this sm

-  Techno screams into the void and the void responds with a fatherly hug by ChipperDotChar

Of all the adventures Techno thought he would have today, having the worst wish possible come true and end up being fantastic was admittedly not on the agenda.

What the genuine fuck just happened?

VOID PEOPLE!!!! such a unique concept and i really hope the author writes more for this au at some point

- home is where the heart is by constantly_anxious

It's midnight, and Techno can't sleep.

No one else can either.

PLATONIC CUDDLES. THATS ALL IM GONNA SAY

A quick list of authors to look at:

qar

Amooniesong

cagedpuddle

c4pricornc4ts

lillian_nator