#anyways. i am not a bad person. and i wish i didnt spend so much of my life convincing myself i was. but u live and u learn i fucking GUESS

[zhinee]

looked at old pics of myself at the wrong time and now im crying.,

[intotheelliwoods]

Alright gang, heres Avocado Toast! :) The Steven Universe style fusion between Sprout and Poptart!

All assorted art and asks and posts related to them will be under the tag #freshavocado <- <-

Here is a bunch of notes, some have links to related art:

-First and foremost, the fusion is the literal embodiment of self love. It is going to be super hard to catch them without a smile!

-The initial fusion happened by complete accident! Poptart joined Sprout for the night for insomnia mixed with feeling cuddly reasons. In the morning they woke up fused haha!

-Sprout didnt tell anything to poptart about his fusion with Big Leo and that it was possible for them to do the same, it was after their initial first accidental fusion that he opened up more about the concept and his experience

-You can often find Toast hugging themselves and fidgeting with their hands! A related thing to note is that it takes the fusion a while to learn how to use two arms on the same side without bonking them into eachother, and also takes a while to learn how to not fall off balance with so much arm weight on one side without being on the other!

-Clothes are not part of the fusion, when they unfuse the result is either Poptart or Sprout in some VERY oversized clothes haha

-The fusion between Big Leo and Sprout is the same fusion! Same personality! But minus the 'Toast' part of the name, back then the fusion was just named Avocado!

-Related to what is above, there is a thought in the back of the fusions mind thinking that they would never get to exist again, up until Poptart showed up that is allowing them to exist once more, and they cannot thank Poptart enough for that

-The first time Big Leo and Sprout fused (Avocado) was different than Sprout and Poptarts (Toast) first time fused. With Avocado, they fused the same way Poptart and Sprout did (cuddles) but this never happened before, the fusion panicked instead. However the fusion was too strong and stable to unfuse. Big Leo and Sprout didnt know how to even unfuse after all! Anyways they spend the whole day fused and trying to hide themselves from the family while also figuring out how to move with the new body haha

-Toast is, hilariously enough obsessed with Sprout and Poptart and loves to see pictures and hear stories of them, some part of the fusion wishes it was possible for them to meet the Leos they are composed of

-Sometimes when Sprout is having a really bad chronic pain day, Poptart offers to fuse with him as a way to 'share the pain' since Toast has twice the amount of pain tolerance, and can handle the pain way better than Sprout can

-Similar to whats above, at some point both Sprout and Poptart become reliant on Toast to fight for them in physical battles. Sprout doesnt want to fight, it hurts, and he hurts even after the fight, but Toast can fight for him pain free. Poptart is tired of trying to learn a new fighting technique and is often upset he is not as strong as he used to be, but Toast is strong and knows how to fight.

-lmao they also become reliant on Toast to do chores

-What Sprout and Poptart remember doing fused depends on how emotional and stable the fusion was

-An amazing idea thanks to @dianagj-art that I am in love with is that Poptart/Sprout and Toast often pre record videos and write notes to eachother to say hello in the only way they really can. Toast loves to see and understand who they are composed of and whos love they represent. While Sprout and Poptart love to see who they can become

Crossover notes with @dianagj-art:

-The initial time they fuse and form Toast, Sprout is so happy he gets to feel what it is like again. He missed the feeling. The fusion is super fun and cheerful at first, but with time Poptart gets tired and wants to stop. While Sprout insists they keep staying together because he doesnt want to lose the feeling again. Due to this the fusion slowly becomes more and more loopy and unresponsive throughout the day and zones out frequently. Eventually Oneion asks whats wrong before realizing what is going on inside their head, and is the outside trigger to get Sprout to finally let go.

-Out of everyone else, Toast has the best chance of getting on One-Ones good side out of the excitement of another Leo fusion like them. Unfortunately in Toasts attempts to befriend One-One through some sparring, it does not go well....

-Toast is a perch for One and Oneion... do you understand.....

[internetkerosene]

first post!!hi! its currently 6:15 and i havent slept. im also wide awake. im listening to some electronic trance music while i do this!

i'm 19 and i have autism. even though i mask well and most ppl dont know, ive always been excluded from my peers. i struggle to make friends and keep them. folks seem to always want to hang with someone else other than me. in most rare cases when i am asked to hang, its usually as a last resort.

despite this i live strong with a smile on my face, and enjoy the alone time i have (not really). its currently summer break from college, so i spend everyday with my very awesome mom and dad, and my best buddy teddy bear that ive had since i was a baby. i also see my boyfriend (weve been together 5 yrs!). hes the only person i really hang with besides my parents. hes really handsome, but i wish i didnt rely on him for so much.

my days include of sleeping for like 12 hours, using my phone to look at stray kids stuff, and gaming for hours. i also watch tv with my parents depending on how busy they are. i recently beat final fantasy 15!! the ending made me so sad lol. now im playing final fantasy 7, and while i hate the controls, its still cool!!

my whole life ive experienced bullying. when i was little and in middle school, it was more severe and violent. id get called weird, ugly, and get pushed and punched. in high school it was more exclusion, ridicule behind my back, and constant put downs. not sure what i did wrong besides be a little different. i dunno. social stuff is scary.

anyway i think ill write a full list of my interests tomorrow. this feels so cool to make a blog like this. whoever is reading, have an amazing day! ur so nice for giving me some time of your day :3 xx

(srry for bad typing im doing this on my gaming keyboard so its kind of hard)

[oppositegenderscantbefriends]

This debate is lame.

*

Still surprised a ex of mine got i.g maybe exposed on reddit? Not sure if she okay-ed it or what I don't speak to them so not my problem but still weird an a Lil gross to see.

*

I want to fuk around or get into a relationship but at the same time I know I'm not mentally ready nor emotionally available right now for that. I also just don't want to spend money. I really have been selfish with myself and it's nice. But uh yeah I kinda wanna fuk around but that could cost my time away from making money and that doesn't seem worth it or productive. I did a lot to be who I am today an locked away the man wh0re b.s I used to do and idk if I'd wanna let that back out again because I started thinking what if I had a daughter or what about my sister's? If they saw or could see how I am with women would they see that as okay if I wasn't being genuine or honest or loyal? Would they accept a lesser man instead of somebody good in nature? So I stopped an changed my ways. Just didn't want them to grow up valuing something horrible and If I had a daughter I wouldn't want her to let men use her or think that what they do is okay or normal or right because they got something from it. That's just not healthy or okay in anyway.

*

Mental health isn't good again. Just not okay but at the same time I will be. Only because I said and promised I wouldn't do anything permanent. Although the urge is strong. I just know now that it'll pass and that it's just temporary pain. It's not gonna be like this forever. Even though I challenge that idea, I have come to accept it and started hoping it does. Really wish I didn't see and go through and have things done to me in life, seen things i didnt ever think i would, heard things from people i never expected to hear, and experienced stuff I shouldn't have ever felt. I know life isn't easy for many and everyone has a story. I get that, not asking or looking for empathy or sympathy because in my eyes. I still believe it's my fault even though I'm told differently. I still don't see it that way.

*

I wish I had somebody that would show me love thru making me amazing food recipes from insta, Facebook or wherever to just try out. Such a food wh0re. That and having somebody make you something from scratch or just overall homemade always means a lot to me because it doesn't need to be expensive or fancy or any of that. It's the effort and thought of that person taking that much time and thinking that hard about me that makes me happy. The littlest things in life truly mean the most because in my experience, they're always overlooked.

*

I had a bad health scare recently. Blood pressure wasn't lookin right, heart rate was a bit high but all good. Just almost maybe nearly went on a ambulance ride. Couldn't catch my breath, talking was nearly impossible. Heart felt funny a couple days but we good. It's normal feeling now. If it happens again I'll probably be in the e.r or possibly dead if it's as serious as it could be but I don't think it will be. I got really good genetics sooooo yeah. Just sucked feeling my chest that tight, not able to speak an when I did it felt like my chest on the left side was gonna pop or burst an the next day it hurting right in the same area like Lil sharp pains an also slightly unable to catch my breath along with my heart thumpin crazy fast while I barely moved(i.e. walked or picked something up or w.e)

*

Fingers crossed that some broad gives me the green light to truly give a real hard-core experience. I just would like to vent a lot of stress and hate out into some intimacy.

*

Lost weight 188 to 152-155 now. I'm gonna get back to bulking and hitting the gym again since I have a nice solid foundation to work with since I didn't lose too much muscle mass. Gonna have a insane physique and strength when I go back to 160-165. Probably take a couple months since I'm gonna be slowly bulking since I want a bit more muscle than fat this time. Although I might eventually get back to 170ish to just be a solid unit. But yea, the main goal is weight gain with strength training.

*

Might be it? Idk. I can't decide anything anymore. Just feel desolate. Goodnight, gonna hit my cart an fuk off for a while. Maybe re share post on here still but my post will slow or stop. Same across the board of other socials.

P.s. stand up an get help if needed. Be safe in what you do in your day to day. Take care of the only body you have. Don't be weak with people who don't care about or use you. Cut em off and lock in on yourself. Nobody will give you a life worth living, you have to make one yourself.

[sootcore]

vent post

i wanna be in love again so fucking bad dude. I wish I didnt have so many obvious insecurities. Also like, i’m really scared that I genuinely cannot experience attraction or have someone be attracted to me. I can’t even hold a conversation with my friends without getting scared or frustrated or tired, and I miss when I could spend all day with someone instead of being irritated after a two hour call. How am I gonna make someone happy when I can’t even do that? I don’t think I really bring enough to the table to ever really be liked, and i’m much too distant from anyone to even try. I don’t even know how to make new friends anymore, let alone keep up conversations and let the hell alone form a romantic bond with someone. God, i’m gonna be 26 next month and it feels like i’m leagues behind as a person, and with as supposedly traumatized as I am; which I can barely bring myself to believe, i’m really scared i’m gonna drive myself into total isolation by the time i’m thirty. I’m really scared, and what really scares me is that i dont even feel like im fixing it, like im barely trying. Is this being nonverbal? Am I just like? sociopathic? is this agoraphobia? avoidance? Dude I just wanna feel safe with people without having to go and create a safe space for myself. I wish I didn’t feel like some enormous misplaced monster everyone’s putting up with, I wanna be fuxking normal so damn bad. I wanna be normal and live a normal life and not think all damn day about how there’s something wrong with me and i’m nervous and constantly irritated. Who could ever even like that? Who could really want that? And god that and there’s not much to physically like about me. I hate that I expect to be last choice. I hate being told “i would have asked you out but i went with them instead” and its always someone who’s infinitely fucking meaner than me. Either that or my thoughts are just really warped and I don’t notice how awful I am as a person, im sure im barely aware anyway. I drove everyone away and now I deserve to suffer for it, so I think this is all a hell of my own creation. I really just want a fucking hug and to cry with someone for a little while and to feel like a person again. I feel like i lost so much of myself and everything i used to love just feels empty and stupid to care about. I wish i was worth more and I just wasnt so goddamn embarrassing and wrong.

[piecesofmicorazon]

god, why is it that everytime im here i have too much to say. i've been avoiding this as usual, even though i'm supposed to be on this self help journey. i'm supposed to be investing in myself, i'm supposed to be finding myself again.

but what does that even mean honestly?

here's what's been going on since me and bj broke up, twice. i feel like the first breakup was real but we fell back into it. we went to her soccer holiday party and then she spent the night. i love spending time with bj, i love how i can show this side of myself that i have never revealed to even myself. she has become the safest space for me. so yeah, it does break my heart that i'm not attracted to her anymore.

i want to force it, i wish i grew up different, i wish all the circumstances were different. something my therapist was saying that we are conditioned to see things a certain way sometimes. that real love is only between a boy and girl, that it's important what people think of us, you know. all of that.

i wonder if this world was different and same-sex relationships were a normal thing... would i think this way?

but unfortunately, it's not. this is how the world works and that's not how i was conditioned.

it just makes me wonder so many things.. have i been brainwashed this whole time? does any of this actually matter?

anyways, the second break up was really hard. bj didnt talk to me for a few days, i was just blowing up her phone on my own honestly lol. but finally! she came over to drop off my jacket, and it felt like everything was okay again. but i dont want her to get false hope, i dont want to keep having sleepovers that will not lead us getting back together, i dont want to keep breaking her heart. but i cant let her go, it's the most selfish thing i've ever done but i will never let her go.

in the meantime, i'm working at the coffee shop and i met a boy. like wtf right? and we all know how i get when i meet someone new. i already start to have expectations..

anyways we were supposed to hang out, and thank god we didn't because thank god i had my implant appointment. but then he came to my party on saturday and fuck he's cute and even more fuck he smelled so good, and i thought fuck, i could marry him. like what the fuck is actually wrong with me?

i was trying to avoid him the whole night but knew i would need to eventually see him and then it just all happened at once and next thing i knew.. his hand was on my waist and we were dancing and i was getting coochie butterflies. i wanted to kiss him so bad, i wanted to do the most reckless thing so bad. but then the instant guilt starts to seep in. how dare i? is this what i meant by "i have to find myself?" god, i wonder if bj knew... how much that would've hurt her. i'm such a horrible person.. am i really going to move on this quick? is this moving on? i started to self sabotage.. i started going back to that place i was at 3 years ago when i hooked up with those boys and felt like i gave myself away..

i really don't want to fall back into that cycle, i really can't. i can't do that to my precious bee.. right?

but yesterday ryan said some really lovely things to me and i was extra thankful that we were friends. he said, "all this over a DANCE?" and in that moment i felt like i stepped out of myself to see it from a bigger picture standpoint, and i thought. wtf? he's right!

i'm not trying to be reckless. but at the end of the day, i can't try to plan out my growth. perhaps a couple mistakes along the way is going to help shape my growth.. who knows. what i know is -- i can't jump into a relationship, i don't owe anyone anything and this is all on my terms. there is nothing to overthink, i don't need to be concerned if he's messaging me, paying attention, because i made a commitment to myself and bj that i would do this self journey for a reason. to be less selfish, to be more kind and hold more grace. so as i start this therapy journey especially, i'm going to learn about me again. unpack trauma and emotions. it's going to be amazing.

so cheers to whatever that looks like. my journey is my own and i don't want it to be influenced by anyone, even bee. that will be hard but perhaps that's what i'll have to work on letting go. even with a little bit of time i am learning that life does go on, time does heal, and i don't have to be bound to any expectations.

now. i'm still trying to figure out what i want to do with this man. go on dates? kiss? hook up? date? god, who knows. it may not even go anywhere. honestly that's probably is what will happen. i already find some things weird about it. i don't want to just be excited just because it's the only person that's in front of me.

still, that's life.

[skaardd]

sometimes life is a little weird

I wish I practiced expressing how I feel in words more

Even though something ended, and probably for the better it is still weird.

Its weird to spend a great deal of time, years with someone

Going on long walks together, traveling, drinking, eating, playing games, celebrating holidays, studying, watching movies together for it to just end

It's weird because I will be reminded of the times spent with this person, and I will just be like melancholic. I know that you were not the one meant for me, and I was definitely not the one meant for you, but I still get kinda weird feelings sometimes. Just because we spent so much time and experiences together so of course it will get weird at times when I am reminded of you.

It's kind of like I lost a friend. But it's weird because I don't think we were actually good friends to each other. I think I was good to you 96% of the time, and you it was 50/50. I can't lie, you tried to love me at one point. you spent a lot of time trying to do things for me. But I dont think it was actual love ever. I don't think we ever had a deep connection. you know that. we tried at one point... or I did rather. It's my fault for starting off things weird. but I think if we were really meant to be, we couldn't help but be in love with each other right off the bat.

Anyway, I am still confused by the entire situation at times. I am ok about it 97% of the time, but 3% of the time I get little reminders of your existence. you had an abrupt official leave from my life, but I think we both knew it was happening over time. I kept trying to keep things together, and you were confusing as fuck. I feel bad in general about it. Im sorry for being so abrupt on you. But then I remember the few weeks where you literally told me apparent? lies. You said to my face we cant be together, my parents will never accept you, and *thats* why. Then this story changed to - its not my parents its actually how I feel, I cant be with "someone" like you. Then it changed to - I actually lied about my parents completely. they never said a thing about you. they never had a problem with you. its just me.

It's like you search for issues/problems. Maybe you feel comfortable that way. It's like thats all you ever knew, so if things aren't chaotic you will fill that void in by creating chaos yourself.

Tonight is the first night since you told me I cant study outside that I am studying outside, late at night. It felt so weird to go back out after 7 and go to SBU to study. It kinda feels like I am doing something wrong by being here. I changed a lot of myself to appease you. I noticed that I became more of a pushover, and more submissive or agreeable with people. Timid, and not as ambitious, more laid back, more careless, less driven, and more people pleaser as I was with you. Thats not good. I feel like I am regaining who I am back again.

I am sad that I hurt you. But you kinda hurt me more. In my opinion, a good relationship is really built on a strong foundation thats created by a good man. I am not saying youre not good, but you know that you didnt display the best version of yourself when you were with me.

anyway, I am just experiencing these feelings and I wanted to say them out loud.

[ireallydontunderstandpeopleatall]

cont

he was still talking about " what else is going on" " what else can we get into" and i'm feeling disappointed bc im thinking like, was going to the beach with my son and i not enough for you and you need more excitement and thinking that this is the same mentality that had him seeking out other women and going to bars and meeting up with them in the middle of the night and hanging out with richelle at a bar during our long homebody streaks.

anyway i wanted to blog to let myself know that i did miss him, his company and i missed having somebody and i guess my therapist was right when she said i am not scared of being in love, just scared of being hurt. because it's obvious my heart is still loving, and it still wants to love him when we hang out, when we live in the moment together and when he is next to me, i still see some of the magic i saw in him when i was still blind. sometimes i wish i could go back to being the person i was when i was blind, but thinking of my ignorance also hurts because i think of the women who knew i was being played and how they must have pitied me for being with such a bad man.

and i also see that my heart wants to love anyone that is kind to me, i thought i had enough of max too when i was leaving atlanta but when i got back i just missed so much being in that hotel room with him and thinking of how he just let me have the reigns in his city and even though there was so much more we wanted to see and do but we didn't but that was because he was ok with just going with the flow with me and seeing where our adventure takes us and it did take us to some places that were like a fairy tale to me and i swear i was completely enchanted by atlanta by the time the trip was over. but anyway i know max is emotionally unavailable and i know i could never see myself with him and he also shows traits of richard/arson/korean david and i know he is another man that needs a lot of work but because he was so nice to me and like i told him i dont think he knows how much he and atlanta healed me but i appreciate him so much he really did make me feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. after feeling so insecure, shitty, overweight and disgusted with richard, myself, his women and just been here in az dealing it with him, going back and forth with him. but then i take a random ass trip to atlanta just bc this guy i hung out with a handful of times 5 years ago invited me and i agree and days leading up to the trip im nervous af to see max, scared as hell because i have not flown in literally years maybe a decade and almost cancelled because i was worried what my parents and most importantly what richard would think. but i took the chance and made the leap and i swear i came out a different person on the other side. the first thing max said to me when he came to pick me up from the airport was that i looked good and that was just the first of many compliments i received that memorial day weekend. and after having to tell richard that a girl needs compliments, and after changing up my entire makeup routine and wardrobe after being cheated on because i felt so out of my element and like i am undesireable. and having to explain to richard why what he did has scarred me mentally and emotionally and possibly cause a whole body dispora that i dont think he would begin to understnad what that means. mr max just complimented just because in atlanta. he made me feel like a damaged exiled princess in a new land where she can find happiness again.

anyway when i had time away from richard i get over him, i make progress and when we spend time together then i relapse and i rememebr something my therapist asked me "after atlanta how are things with you and richard? are you still getting pulled in?" and i said No. confidently although she didnt know he was at my house but i felt like i was over him and done with him, and california didn't pull me back to him but spending time at my house and in my room for like 10 days definitely did and i didn't know it was going to do that because i thought i was sure of my feelings or i was confident in how far i have come i guess and now i know i have cause a reset and i rememebr not wanting a reset with him before san fran when my uncle asked me if he was coming and i thought to myself i didnt want him to go because i didnt want to reset. anyways i think the thing about the reset is that i FORGET that my feelings get involved too and i think i was aware of the emotions part before but because atlanta has given me somewhat of a memory wipe i had forgotten about the emotional aspect. so now i know that i am definitely still healing from richard, my feelings are still there and i definitely still want someone to love and to have company because i definitely enjoyed it when i had it with him this past week. and i remember thinking one day/night that i kind of wish we could go back to our original plans. but those thoughts also make me sad so fuck it all still i guess.

idk this post just took a whole ass turn, maybe i will post more tomorrow because it's 1:30 and i'm tired and idk what i want to say anymore

[fraener]

4/3/23

what a horrifically terrible week it’s been. started with evelyn in the hospital, ended with a fight with h about r. i knew what i was getting myself into, i know healing that takes time, but when im already so far outside of my window of tolerance it just makes me all the more upset. school starts tomorrow even though i didnt catch any sort of break. no word from the prof and no published page online. the weather has been on and off cloudy enough for the street lights to turn on and blinding sun. i finally got myself to vacuum and im making an alcohol extraction for intermediary oil. i feel really exhausted beyond belief. i think i ought to spend the day alone. he stayed over last night which i appreciated. i just wish something would give. im tired of being the thing that gives. thinking about the word ‘give’ as the breaking of a damn and as generosity simultaneously. i realized how deeply ive been affected by the fact that i dont have a parental figure i can really emotionally or physically rely on. its a sad thing to face. i want to garden but im running into roadblocks with the school about it. i feel ive lost a lot of my judgement and so its hard to decide what to do. im tired of not trusting myself. i took a long nap that was interrupted by the cherry picker across the street getting stuck in the mud. i went for a walk and laid down in quince park with my eyes closed in the sun. i relaxed everything slowly, starting with my toes. i did a bit of ifs and figured out a lot of the root of the problem; my relationship anxiety/insecurity is being aggravated by the situation with r, the fact that i cant get any closure or retribution or anything from that situation combined with the fact that h jumps to her defense after 5 months of us dating is really damaging, and so i feel like on some deep level i have no one to truly trust, which is aggravating my issues with my mother(of course) because we’re shown all the time that the role of a parent is to always take care of us and be in our corner and ive never had that. finding it in a new person is proving equally difficult to finding it at home. my ocd has been so bad because i am so scared of going through being sick like that alone. its not enough that i have my own support, it gets me only so far before i really just need to cry and be held by someone else. and in the seat of the core self ive had such a hard time getting through the self punishment to see and truly be with the parts of myself that are scared and feel alone. all of the stress comes crashing in at once every time i approach it. i think my only goal right now is trying to work back into my window of tolerance rather than being so far out of it and so overdrawn. the basic anxieties of going to school in person anyways are enough to dysregulate me, obviously everything else on top is way too much for me to comfortably handle. i hope to get to the bottom of this soon. susan is writing me an accommodations letter so i can relax a little with school. i want to take good care of myself because i am all that i have, really. 

[star-ver]

im coming down from a weak and lame high and my period started so im all emotional and i just gotta get all my emotion out while i can feel it at all.

TW VENT

i am so lonely. my boyfriend and i dont communicate well at all but we just got together and i shouldnt have accepted but i did so i feel too bad to break up with him. i dont love him. i like him as a friend, but nothing more. the only reason i really hung out with him anyway was a mutual friend and the fact that i felt skinnier around him. my best friend at school spends tons of time talking with him and theyre each others best friends. i want romance so bad. i want the feeling that not allowed makes me feel. i want to be understood and loved and i want to cry into someones shoulder and have them stroke my hair and tell me its not my fault my life is falling apart and that its okay to need a break. i cant be vulnerable to either of my parents and im not close enough with any of my friends to be open about my life with them. even my art teacher, the person i would probably be most comfortable talking about this with, is a mandatory reporter so i cant tell him about half of my problems. maybe i should just have him ask my parents to admit me. i might fare better in the loonhouse, honestly. i have nobody.

half of my life is crumbling, my and my mom's housemate who we depend on for half of rent has terminal cancer. in 2-3 months we're going to have to find a room mate or we wont be able to make rent for the last 6 months of the lease. after those 6 months well almost certainly have to move somewhere. i stay with my mom half time. i really want to live with my dad full time but i cant exactly tell my mother who is already convinced everyone wants to leave her that i want to leave her too. she has hurt me so much. she deadnames me every time i see her. she gave me this disorder and probably more im too numb to realize im losing to.

i get high so often just to cope with all this that im almost out and i barely get high at all anymore. i genuinely dont know what ill do. i wont make it through a month long t-break. i need to get more or find a different coping mechanism. i cant quit. i wont be open about my age here but i am definitely too young to be smoking pot and far far too young to be dependent on it. god i wish i could be a normal teenager. my memory is completely fried and i cant even remember what i was doing 2 hours ago 90% of the time. its my reputation at school, laid back forgetful stoner kid. its a cry for help is what it is, that i cant get through even 4 days without having to drown my problems in drugs. i wish my friends would notice instead of thinking im funny. im really fucking struggling. i tried alc a few days ago and i know its only a matter of time before i get addicted to that too.

both my households are broke. my dad has a good job and hes still more broke than normal. my mom put all our money into govt bonds, then our housemate got injured at work and had to stay home. he never healed because shocker, he has cancer. he probably wont live past february.

im so fucking bad at being ano. i binge almost every time i smoke from munchies and impaired decision making. i barely lose any weight because of it. ill restrict all day then i smoke to settle down and i eat everything and then wake up with my progress ruined feeling gross. the worst part is that i forced myself into this as punishment for being fat. i didnt develop it. something in my crazy ass brain decided to indulge in my self hatred and just opt for dying over self love and healthy weight loss. worst yet is that i forced myself into it and i cant even stick to it. im a fucking failure. i cant love myself and i cant fix myself. im just doomed to hate my current form that i cant shake because i cant restrict low enough for change. i want to sew my lips shut and live in my room living off of vape and black coffee like the good obedient people in thinspi. they have discipline. theyre skinny. theyre loved. theyre worshipped. they have everything i want. i try so hard to be good. i try so hard. most of my day is spent thinking about my weight and calories and how much i burn walking around vs sitting down. im gonna be home for 2 weeks in a few days and i am not going to lose any weight the whole time because i have no discipline and ill be home all day.

a few days ago in math class i got so fed up i took a pencil and scratched my skin until it was a bright red scrape. i was clean for like 6 months. and now i want to do it more, as a punishment. i want to be visually sick. i want people to look at me and want to help me, ask me if im doing okay, offer me a granola bar because i look faint. i want to look as sick as i feel. i feel pressured to sh because its the only way to show how fucked up i am on the inside. its another cry for help. its just another example of me wanting to sit in between recovery and death.

and lastly, i forgot my phone at my dads house and we never went to get it. this is how i felt all of 2020 when my phone got taken away because i was too tired and depressed to get any work done. its fucking terrible. now its almost 6 in the morning and i have to be up by 10am to get it, fuck fuck fuck. whatever. im about to fall asleep. thats enough girlblogging. goodnight/morning tumblr.

[soskonoha]

﹙✿﹚ ⩋ adoration for ᯇ tobirama ໑

꒰ 💭 ִֶָ b4 read — i don't care if you don't like him, i just want to talk about him !

[ ⁠♡ ] : i apologise for any spelling mistakes, i am dyslexic

꒰୨ 𝘀hort 𝘁houghts ୧꒱

✿ didn't Ino say he made the womens bath houses safe? like, correct me if I am wrong, but to my knowledge he invented a seal just for that, that's pretty fucking neat

✿ this fandom's view is so fanon on him, it's either cold bastard man or racist !! and neither one is true

✿ once saw a theory that he was amazing in leadership but bad in "selling himself"/putting himself out there, and I can't stop thinking of it ever since

✿ he built so much things, that's so sexy of him

✿ i wish he had more screen time, he is such an interesting hokage, and probably worked more than hashirama anyway

✿ i love how orochimaru said the edo tensei isn't hard to learn as if he didn't spend years studying it alongside other forbidden jutsus

✿ the scar vs paint debate will never fade away but i am convinced those red stripes on him are simply just paint, kishimoto draws scars differently

꒰୨ 𝗹ong 𝘁houghts ୧꒱

★ so many people say that him creating the chunnin exams was a horrible idea and completely goes against his wishes/ideologies that children shouldn't die on the battle field... which is incorrect. if you remember children cannot enter the chunin exams without the permission of their master/teacher, who is a jonin. as well as the consent of all three members of their team, and they have to be genin already in order to enter. they have months to prepare - incase their teacher tells them -. the chunnin exams is more of a 'are you sure you want to be a chunin? this is what it takes, it's nothing like being a genin'.. they also have to be approved by the hokage/kage in order to participate. so, these exams are rather to prepare kids on how real missions are like. they can always give up and leave the exams so they don't need to participate. we also cannot be sure how the exams looked like while he and hashirama were the hokages. we can clearly see it's different in boruto as well, so it's safe to assume that these exams change pretty often.

★ i find the theory that kakashi's dad is tobirama's son so interesting and i would love to learn about it if it was canon !! but he probably had no children at all... like we know of all of the hokages family but him.. hashirama had children for sure because we have tsunade, minato has naruto, tsunade didnt have any due to trauma of losing dan, sarutobi had asuma for a son and konohamaru for a grandchild.. tobirama probably worked until he died

★ i hate the idea that he is a cold person.. he is very emotional? he jokes around and is fond of people around him.. his humour is sarcastic and dry, he is passionate about konoha, he made a whole system because he didn't want any child to die the way his seven year old brothers did, he takes care of hashirama, complimented both naruto and minato, he protected sasuke during the war.. which a lot of people seem to forget? there is also more than just one panel of him smiling and showing other emotions... he is logical, but he doesn't push away his emotions, he just doesn't show them the way other characters do.. him being cold is just a very fanon view, he is just more cautious and has more boundaries

★ the view that he is racist is also very fanon.. like, first of all, they are all japanese?- and you can change out the word for clanist, but it still won't be correct. he doesn't really hate the uchihas, he hates madara because he traumatised him, which is fair. that man not only made hashirama almost kill him but also almost convinced him to commit suicide even if they weren't close, even if they were on a battle field. of course he will be nervous of what the sharingan and love can drive uchihas to do. tobirama isn't a perfect character, but he isn't horrible either. he is very interesting if you pay attention to him. i think a lot of hate just comes from uchiha obsessed naruto fans ? idk tho, but he even made the uchiha clan be the police force because not only were they qualified for it but to show respect to them after having a talk with hashirama (this is canon).. when he says 'uchiha evil' he is talking about the sharingan.. which is caused by trauma relating to anger.

★ tbh i like the idea that tobirama and naruto could be related.. like, it make sense the uzumaki and senju clans are distant cousins and often married between clans.. like, it is not certain wether the two are actually related or not, but it would be pretty cool in my opinion, would also mean tsunade and naruto are related which would make naruto reminding her of kawaki more emotional

★ the amount of things this man invented is so attractive!!! like half of them could definitely murder you but it is still so attractive like imagine how hard he must have worked!!! however i wonder what made him create edo tensei? maybe the loss of his brothers who he just wanted to apologise to? or did he just want advice from someone dead, like sasuke? its canon that hashirama knew of it and was against it, yet he did it anyway, so it really just makes me wonder

★ my favourite thing he invented is probably the academy.. like these kids can just go study for years and decide what the hell they want to be instead of being forced to be a shinobi no matter what thats amazing !! its so cool bc its obvious he and hashirama never had that !!! i also like how he made the idea of genin teams so they aren't just thrown in there to have to figure everything out by themselves... like he is obviously a very emotionally intelligent man/character

★ i once saw someone complain that he doesn't look his age.. but like.. he is a senju isn't he? they are known for looking way younger than their actual age, well aside from their incredible power! what helps me remember this is tsunade.. she uses her own jutsu to look young, but senjus generally look younger.. so he has nice genes not from his father and he could have had his own jutsu? i doubt he did, but if he would have it wouldn't surprise me, he seems to pay attention to his appearance

★ i think a lot of people don't realise that he is an albino? a lot of times I see people debating how he would look like as an uchiha, or to justife senjus being diverse in looks... which is like ok but he is just an albino person, white hair, pale and red eyes.. won't make him any less cool

★ i love his character design so much!!!! its so interesting to me that he generally likes loose comfortable clothing for everyday use (seen from flashbacks) or just long sleeved ones !!.. also !! his fighting/action/mission outfit is so cool too! i love the furr a lot bc it looks really useful !! like it looks amazing but its also great so no one can stab his neck with a kunai in fights.. i wonder if that is on purpose or just coincidental? like ofc it's soft, but no one can suddenly stab your neck if they don't see it

★ love how his fighting style is misleading the enemy !!! like making people think they survived an attack of his but the next thing they know they are being attacked up close.. like, he does it often enough to be a fighting style but never enough to be predictable that is so cool

★ i could talk so much about him but i will end this by saying that he has really pretty eyes,, like y'all see that man? a pretty motherfucker, i love the way his face is drawn a lot, it showcases his personality and aura

[insertdisc5]

Hi!! I wanted to ask, in celebration of Deltarune CH. 2, do you have any updated thoughts and head canons about the game?? Like, y'know, similar to a previous ask about Kris in your Deltarune tag? Thanks!

thoughts on kris part 2 i guess???? (part 1 from ch1 here lol)

spoilers for deltarune like woah. this wont be kris focused just random thoughts on everything. thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk

not that many thoughts for this chapter tbh! EDIT LOL: this was a lie i have a lot of thoughts

-just in general i feel like the player isn't the only one controlling kris... like yes the player forced kris to do what happened in the snowgrave route but AT THE SAME TIME idk it feels like there's someone else too. just because of the terrifying voice i suppose. and also the jerky movement kris does every time they get their soul out? unless there's another reason for it... maybe getting your soul out means you walk weird lol

-BUT ALSO i feel like kris is 100% in control when they create fountains. idk it just makes sense kris would create them. to create another world, a better world, A WORLD WHERE THEIR BROTHER IS HERE PERHAPS? i do wonder why they get their soul out then though. i'm all for it sweetie! do whatever! i support you!

-(i am and will be playing deltarune with only kris' best interests in mind. i will not hurt anyone unless kris wants me to. dont worry my little meow meow im on your side! talk to me! no? okay ill stay under the sink its fine)

-speaking of asriel. SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER (starts crying) V-VACATION COLLEGE WHEN

-kris misses their brother so much it's so sad. if you make kris steal 5$ from asriel they take it "reluctantly"? talking to asriel online so often even alphys knows?? the google search?? GOING INTO ASRIEL'S GOOGLE SEARCH ROOM WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED BECAUSE THEY'RE CONVINCED THEY ALREADY KNOW WHATS IN THERE? THAT ONE IS LESS OF A MISSING THING BUT IM LIKE OH MY GOD

-the city walk with susie at the end makes it clear to me that kris really values susie's friendship... kris even sits with her if you spend long enough near the lake like aaaaah ;_;

-and even in snowgrave you spend your last acts with the final boss calling for your friends like YES there's a way bigger creepy aspect to this (kris as more of a Leader who Commands and commands their subjects to come) but still :'0 (and then noelle answers oh my god noelle im so sorry for the trauma)

-berdly. listen. listen. listen. liste

-berdly sucks but [berdly hurts his arm in the battle against queen if you don't save him because he doesnt want to hurt you] [berdly realizing smg's wrong in snowgrave and immediately taking steps to save noelle] berdly is my little crumb nugget. i will protect him.

-noelle. noelle. girlboss!

-like ooooh listen. hearing about the genocide path for undertale. made me go "that is SO COOL. i HAVE to experience it myself this is great. hehehe killing time" and like no regrets. i was fully enjoying the experience knowing i was an awful person. SNOWGRAVE THOUGH. i will never try this myself its too fucked up. casually grooming your childhood friend to murder people <3 and also acting like a weird stalker towards her <3 stockholm syndrome speedrun i will get all the info i can about this but i will never do this myself

-people remarking the kris/player>noelle relationship is similar to the relationship between player>chara in genocide path is like yes. chefs kiss. don't worry we just are making you stronger and everything will be fine "you made me kill my friend? and for what?" this is fine sweetie don't worry about it!!!!!!

-like the amount of details added to snowgrave, like if you equip noelle's watch she notices later? and her battle animations change as time goes on, she gets an ice shield and stops sighing in relief after battle? oh my god? oh my god.

-(berdly is not awake.) JUST KILL ME RIGHT HERE I HAVEN'T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT BERDLY NOT BEING AWAKE!!!!!

-also why didnt he turn into dust. so many possible reasons. is magic a thing in the normal world and perhaps no magic means no dust (theres graves). maybe he isnt dead. maybe hes braindead. maybe he'll come back. either way that boy is now in the closet big enough to put someone in

-also dess' name probably being december AND THATS WHY NOELLE LOST THE SPELLING BEE?!?!??! FUCK ME UP!!!!! JUST FUCK ME UP!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

-also so many good pixel art this chapter. too many? i didnt need pixel art of cardboard noelle falling on the statue. like thank you but please. please it hurts my game artist brain.

-the expressions in this chapter were also top notch. all the unsettling noelle expressions like (i fall over face first)

-i threw away the ball of junk (which i already tried in ch1) and this time the game was like "ARE YOU SURE BC THIS IS A BAD IDEA" and kris felt bitter :'( (it deletes all your items in the dark world)

-i uh fucked up and skipped the susie+noelle scene bc listen last time ralsei mentionned seeing what susie is doing we missed some PRIMO LORE. turns out it just makes you skip the scene and you dont get anything new. welp

-speaking of ralsei well you know. he exists. but im stuck on him going "i just wonder what being ralsei-like even is...?" ralsei my dude there's so much i could say about this. do you feel like you can't be ralsei-like because you feel like you have to be asriel-like

-but also that makes no sense bc susie hasnt even mentioned ralsei looks like asriel. and i cant imagine asriel being so meek. so WHAT GIVES

-ralsei as kris’ “i wish i was a monster just like my bro and family and i’d look like asriel but with red horns [THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME] and my name would be something cool like ralsei instead of a boring human name like kris and im sweet and cute because thats how i act with asriel because ASRIEL MADE ME” theory because that would be cute.

-ASRIEL GOING TO THE CHURCH TO CONFESS HIS "SINS" WHEN "SINS" AREN'T A THING IN THE ANGEL BELIEF LIKE I KNOW THIS INTERACTION WAS TREATED AS A JOKE BUT WHAT THE FUCK ASRIEL?

-kris definitely has a connection with the big red door in the city, judging by what the kids say they probably went there... i feel like this place's dark world will be the Final Dungeon you KNOW some shit happened there. also the sounds you hear when you go there is the phone dark world call's sound slowed down? AND AFTER SNOWGRAVE APPARENTLY YOU CANT HEAR IT ANYMORE? HUWAH?

-speaking of songs the songs were all so good, My Castle Town rules, the berdly snowgrave music is stuck in my head, flashback is uwah wuahah, Until Next Time is so good, AND ALSO A FRIEND NOTICED THE DARK WORLD CITY THEME IS JUST tHE SONG 74 (MOST NOTICEABLE WITH THE SNOWGRAVE VERSION)?????? WHAT DOES IT MEAN????? it might be just "hey its just reuse" BUT MR FOX YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA READ INTO THIS IS NOELLE THE ONE SINGING IDK BRO!!!!!!!!!!

-asgore dreemurr fired from the force what happun!!!!! game theory is that asgore is related to dess' death/disappearance but eh who knows

-you start the chapter at lvl2 and get to lvl3 after the final boss, a friend mentioned this is probably because we destroyed a world and im :0

-to go back to kris it's still so interesting to figure out who they are based on how they act/people mention them. like kris shaking the ferris wheel car? yeah makes sense i can imagine a pranking kid do this. kris' dance? yeah thats a little silly but i can buy it. doing cool anime poses? well i dunno this doesnt line up PERFECTLY but sure. BUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN SNOWGRAVE... especially >proceed like that is such a weird thing that i can't imagine them doing, but i can't completely see the "player" doing either (compare with going to sans -which kris doesnt know- and going "SANS!" because of course the player would know sans), like THATS one of the reasons i feel like there's someone else in there. the weird robotic merciless actions. if im going super meta it feels like there'd be someone else like writing the choices into existence for us to pick you know? gaster probably? god i need to read more gaster theories i completely sidestepped the gaster shit bc i wasnt interested. anyway just spitballing

-(looks at big shot guy) please dont make him the next tumblr guy i beg you

-obligatory "queen was great" mention if only because this part made me laugh a little bit too hard

that was a lot. thank you for letting me talk

[spookypotato]

dont ask why, but

person A having a really bad crush on person B, but they're convinced B doesnt like them at all, not even in a friendly way, so A tries to cope with their crush by talking the B down and trying to convince themselves they dont like B that way

that way B gets the impression A hates them and B genuinely dislikes them at that point, because they keep saying borderline mean things

they get a bit of an enemies dynamic, founded by nothing basically and there are a few words that hurt where the one that said them feels bad even if they never meant it to hurt that much

but the dynamic continues

[enter the supernatural part]

then one day A wishes on... a magic well (idk) they only want to wake up next to B and they cant deal with this hatred anymore, because they've been looking for each other at clubs they go to or the school they're at, just to make the other see that they're ignoring them

therefore the crush doesnt grow any weaker, but B still doesnt like A, but is also kind of fond of their teasing

anyway, so A wishes to only wake up next to B and The Wishing Well (TM) Grant's that wish

next day, they wake up next to each other, both confused and as soon as they recognize who they're next to pissed at the situation

they wonder how they got there, sometimes it's that A magically wakes up in Bs bed, sometimes the other way around

the first time it happens is B in As bed and they cant explain it

they havent moved, theyve never sleepwalked, they didnt get drunk and they just have no explanation

still they wonder if they did something, but they would know right? anyway, let's just forget about it

til it happens again

and again

and again every single morning

at this point A is kind of catching on that they wished for exactly this, but not sure

B is just panicking, thinking they black out on a daily basis

but the thing is, they dont mind as much as they pretend, because after the first initial day of "what the fuck am I doing here", the second time, it's not that bad

theyve grown to like the light weight next to them when they wake up, the arm draped across their torso, the breath ghosting over their shoulder

they just like the contact, no matter who it was with

or that's what they tell themselves, because ofc they're developing a crush at this point

A doesnt mind either, it just stings a bit everytime they decide to break contact and put on an acts of surprise that is completely unnatural at this point, it happend for like 2 weeks straight

and no matter what they did, how far they were apart, one of them always ended up next to the other

then A goes on a trip to another country (maybe with someone, maybe alone) and as magic would have it, B ends up with them the next morning

if A brought a person on the trip, cue A trying to hide B in their room

B stays a day since 'they're gonna wake up together again anyway'

The person A brought travels home, but A planned on staying for a few extra days and so B automatically also stays, because again 'were gonna wake up together again anyway'

they genuinely have a good time there and replace the actual mean comments with flirty teasing

at this point they definitely both like each other

they go home and are reminded of their reality, they literally cannot spend a day apart

B used to have regular sleepovers at their friends house and they hadnt been able to do that in weeks, so Bs friends are confused and worried, if not a bit hurt, because B wont give them an explanation for why they didnt feel like doing thing with their friends for so long

when seeing B this sad, A decides to just try to solve this

they go back to The Wishing Well (TM) and take back their wish

the next morning they wake up alone

B is confused and kind of missed the company in the morning

A thinks it's for the better

after a few days (and awkward hallway glances, that dont seem electric because of the hatred, but because of longing now), B gets the courage to talk about it with A

A confessed what they did and tell B that it's better for B anyway

B takes a leap of faith and disagrees

and that's what happens when you listen to the song Vera by JUNG...

anyone feel free to write this lmao, but tag me, I wanna read it, please

yes, I imagined this with wilmon sh

[666bone]

.

[kashimos-hajime]

no regrets (8/8) | r.b.

summary: For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Or, Reiner finally understands what peace is.

WARNINGS: MANGA SPOILERS!!! angst, mentions of violence, we get our happy ending :) pairing: reiner braun x fem!reader word count: 6.7k

a/n: welcome to the last chapter!! thank you so much for being on this journey with me. there are a few callbacks to previous chapters so see if you can catch ‘em all heheh 

masterlist

crossposted on ao3 x

Few months ago ymir asked if I could let her write one last letter to krista, and I did let her. I stood over her shoulder the whole time, watching her pen down all this sappy shit and I kept thinking about you the whole time, behind those walls. What you were doing, what you were thinking. Maybe if you thought about me. I dont know.

I’m starting to see the appeal of wrting what youre not strong enough to say to a persons face. I never thought Id find myself on the other end of this stick. for some reason, I thought that I could stop myself, resist the temptation, or maybe that I didnt feel for you as strong as I thought I did once I was away from you. I was wrong.

What do I even say? I mean shit, I can barely see, my limbs are barely in tact, and all of it—shiganshina, it haunts me, even though I cant really remember it that well. Half of it goes black and then I remember hearing your voice, I remember Bertholdt, I remember you screaming.

You couldve walked away. why didnt you walk away? It doesn’t make sens. Why did you think to cut me out? Why did you try to save me? Im trying to make it make sense inmy head. It’s not working.

Fuck I dont know what I was thinking when I asked for a paper and pen. Why am I asking you questions? Its not like ill ever understand. At this point, I think it’s pity thats letting Zeke let me waste ink on trying to write straight. He doesn’t know what im doing, but thats better this way. Better than sleeping—better than eating. I just wanna talk to you and this is as close as I can get. Its my own damn fault, but I dont care. 

I completed my mission. After this, im done. ill give up the rest of my term. I dont want any of that glory anymore. I dont want to be a hero. Im just done.

Fuck, my head hurts so much. I dont really know if what im saying is making sense. Im hoping you never read this.

im sorry. I wish I could explain it to you some day, but chances are, ill be dead soon. Whether for treason or because they need to pass on the Titan, and I wont be able to see you again. Which means youll never know how sorry I am. How much I

Thats okay. I dont think youd believe me now even if I did say anything.

I remember your dream to live by the lake with a bunch of kids. You know I started to wonder if youd mind if they were our kids, not just some orphans who needed a home. I’d imagine one of them with blond hair. Imagine them swimming in the lake.

Never told you that was my dream too. Never knew i could have a dream of my own, something only I wanted and not just something to further marleys damn agenda, til I knew you. Sounds stupid but its true.

I think youd like Marley, if we weren’t sworn enemies. Just want you here with me right now. make me sleep easier knowing you’re there when I wake up. 

Dont want secrets either. Fuck I miss you so bad. I feel s o tired all the time. 

I rember when i first saw you all could think about was how you were the most prettiest girl id ever seen. I don know if you know thats why I tried to distance myself. Knew I couldn’t get distracted from my mison. happened anyway. Wish I could tell you that. 

wish I could tell you I love you. Wish I could see the look on yur face when you try lobster for the first time. Youd love it. Not sweet, but tons of desserts here too.

Shit. And the ring on your finger. ill put a ring on your finger. I promised. i swear ill go home and buy a ring for the moment I see you again. Might not be pretty but will do the best I can.

Olnly wnat only wnat only want to see you again and beg for your forgiveness. Let you know if I had a choice, I wouldnt have done it. Would take it all back, nd stay. i wanted to stay, stay with you and the others. I used to want to spend the rest of my life in those walls, now I think im sick and tired of them dividing people who arent even that differnet.

My eyes are beginning to burn. Worse because the skin is sitll growing back. Fucking hell god I miss you. miss your smile more.

I know i dont deserve your forigvneess forgiveness. I want you to be angry with me. I deserve as much, and I cant ask you to, but 

With love,

Rienr

You fold the letter, eyes closing as your fingers trace where the ink bled, the old tear stains wrinkling the paper beyond measure. Some are older than others, and you trace over his name again, your eyes burning, your throat tight enough to suffocate.

You’re leaning against the wall as everyone disembarks. They had taken Eren off first, Hange and the others getting ready to depart for the city while Connie and Jean lift a covered stretcher too white for the vivacious girl that lays dead beneath it.

They pass you silently, and you catch sight of a certain captain approaching, his pale eyes nearly swallowed by the shadows haunting his face.

“Captain,” you say, straightening. Placing the letter back into the tin, you slide it back into your pocket as he folds a green jacket over his shoulder. You give him a nod.

“You made it out alive,” Levi observes. He stops beside you, eyes more focused on what’s ahead. No doubt he’s not looking forward to having to take Zeke to wherever he needs to go—somewhere far, far away from Eren. You cross your arms. 

“It’s good to see you, too, Levi,” you intone. Sighing, you step in beside him and look out at the Walls you can’t see in the distance, your entire body wrought with a strange fatigue that’s only sewn into muscles by adrenaline leaving the body. “I think I’m going to stay.” He tilts his head to you, eyes flickering to your face, and you mirror the shift, your arms tightening. “I can’t leave this unfinished. Not after Liberio.”

“The farm will have to be abandoned,” he points out. “The kids, too.”

“I’ll make sure I move them where someone can take care of them. Somewhere north, far away from the brothers,” you assure, although still, your heart begins to sink and you close your eyes, exhaling deeply. “I have to hope they understand.”

Levi only nods, and you open your eyes as he wordlessly takes the jacket off his arm and offers it to you. Grasping it wearily, you open your mouth to ask questions but he only sets off, back towards the cabin where Zeke is still being held, and you snap your jaws shut, looking down at the jacket.

When you unfold it, you swallow the hard rock in your throat at the blue and white slipping beween the folds of olive green before there’s a sharp whistle. Looking up, you see the carriages already beginning to load up, and you glance back at the door where the captain has disappeared through before jogging down the ramp.

You slither your arms through the sleeves and shuffle the fabric along your frame as something thumps against your thigh, and you frown, reaching down into your pocket and coming into contact with something smooth and hard.

Withdrawing, your lips part at the green bolo tie gleaming in the lights of the port and you, without another thought, pull it over your head, letting it fall against your breastbone. 

“For your services to the Survey Corps.”

There’s no time to second-guess now. No time to debate.

“Good to have you back,” Hange murmurs as you walk towards the carriage taking Mikasa, Armin, and the others back to the city. You tug the lapels of the jacket tighter around yourself and flash them a weak smile. 

The Wings of Freedom on your arm feel like a brand, and it prickles your skin as you climb in after them.

.

Distantly, he remembers flashes. 

Eren reaching forward for Zeke, the exhaustion ripping him every which way, the sound of ODM gear whizzing in his ears as he tries to make sense of the punctured sensation in his armour.

How he had softened his nape, intending to die then. At least, let his death have some meaning, he had thought. Let him make one last effort to repent for everything he did to Paradis, and to his friends who’d been more family than his own mother.

He slips in an out of consciousness for the next few days. He doesn’t know what is up, what is down, but he does recognize his surroundings blearily, the way his head spinning somehow slowing when he presses his temple to the wooden floor.

How can he almost hear your voice in the echoes of the panels, countered by someone who almost sounds like Annie before he drifts off again.

When Reiner finally regains consciousness again, he wakes to someone crouched down in front of him. Jerking up, he lets out a sound before a palm slaps over his mouth and your face is shoved against his own.

“Shut it,” you whisper fiercely. “It’s just me.”

Your name muffled by your own hand, his eyes begin to burn and you lift your palm away as he sits up and you draw back. You’re dressed in clothes that look like they’ve seen better days but you’re relatively uninjured as you pull back. New lines adorn your face—one of the many prices of their damned war—and you only look exhausted. 

Sitting up, Reiner’s whole body groans as he leans against the wall, but he can’t tear his eyes away from you. Your hands are hovering around his body like you’re scared he’ll collapse and there’s a fracture in your mask.

Something gleams on your finger and his eyes flit to it, his heart lurching when he realizes what it is.

The ring. You’re wearing it. You…

For a moment, a glimmer of their teenage selves shine through and he wants to reach for it—touch it so he can remember what it’s like to be happy. He thinks it’s an awful like now; the swelling of his heart so big he can’t breathe; the way his lungs are static in his chest; how he can’t say anything because there are so many words that want to come out first.

“You’re here. You’re alive,” he finally settles on raspily. Your eyes glint with a youthful pain as you nod.

“So are you.” 

And he doesn’t know who moves first—you or him. Nothing is forgiven as their bodies crash in an embrace that lacks grace, but they cling onto another like the world is ending and they’re the only ones left standing. 

Maybe they are.

He buries his face in your neck, and your arms are so tight around him your fingers dig into his shoulders as your body melts against his and his skeleton sags in his own body.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers against your skin, eyes fluttering shut. “I‘m sorry.” A hand against your neck and an arm around your waist, he wraps his legs around your own and traps you against him. You seem to only sink into him even more.

Is that enough? I don’t want you to hate me.

You suck in a breath, and then it comes out shuddering. “You can spend the rest of what life you have left repenting for making me fall in love with a man who was always supposed to die.”

Softly, in his mind, your voice cools the searing heat of hatred inside him. It’s enough. It has to be.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. It’s like they’re the only words he knows. He can’t remember ever meaning it this much. For him dying, for making you love him, for ever coming to Paradis. For loving you. For loving you. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know. I know.” Your face turns to press against his own. Your lips brush against his jaw and his eyes slide shut, tears rolling down his face. “I read every single one of your letters.” Drawing back, you cup his face in his hands and your fingers smear his tears all over his cheeks as his palm rests against your neck. Thumb stretching up to touch your chin, he feels sobs shuddering in his throat at seeing you again—looking at him almost like you used to. “I can’t begin to understand, but I know you are. And I know you love me.”

Choking, he gasps, “You should hate me.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I should.” You’re crying, too, voice thick, tears stubborn on your cheeks as you give him a watery smile. “I should hate Marley, too. But it’s beautiful there. The water by the sea… I want to be there with you next time. We need to go together, before you leave me alone, okay?”

Reiner doesn’t quite hear you. He hears Marley, and beautiful, and he’s never noticed how beautiful you are when you cry, but right now, it’s the simplest truth he knows. 

“Okay.”

When you tilt his chin up and kiss him softly, something inside him explodes from the gentleness that makes him want to crack in the palm of your hands. It sears him from the inside out, makes him grab onto you like you’ll disappear—this is another dream, isn’t it? 

It has to be. 

You can’t be kissing him again after four years. He doesn’t deserve it. You’re an illusion, something his mind made up to deal with the pain. He’s finally cracked for good, just like Bertholdt said he would, and he’s the devil, not you.

But then you pull away just for a moment to smile, eyes barely open as you look at him with a sad tenderness that wraps him in an invisible embrace, and he is faced with the heart-wrenching reality. 

The sky is falling, you are holding him tightly again, and they’ve lost their years. But you’re here. With him. 

He knows that this isn’t a dream as he feels the coolness of the silver band on your finger and the heaviness in how he knows he hasn’t repented a damn thing. 

Why him?

As you run your hand through his hair, you press their foreheads together.

“And I do want a family with you, by the water if you’d like,” you murmur fleetingly against his mouth and his eyes widen, cheeks burning, entire face crumbling as he turns his face in to your shoulder, crushing you in another brace. Sobbing into your neck, his fingers dig into your shoulders, wrap tight around your waist, squeeze you so close he isn’t sure where you end and he begins and your lips brush the shell of his ear. “Reiner, say it.”

“Please,” he whispers thickly into your skin, and you cradle the back of his head with a hand. He’s nothing more than shambles. “Please, don’t go.”

“I’m not letting you out of my sight again,” you promise. His breath is hot against his own face as you pull his head back and cradle his face again, thumbs brushing away the tears from his red face. “Just a bit more. A bit more and then it’ll be all over, you know?”

And he understands, then, what you want from him. Struggling for breath, for his lungs to stop seizing in his aching chest, he cups your face that turns into his palm on instinct, your face wet with your own tears as, for a moment, they try to pretend this isn’t where they really are.

Like they’re still in that afternoon in Trost, a thousand years ago, with the kids flipping coins into the water fountain and a cream bun between them. Like they’re under the tree, apple juice on your wrist and his lips on yours.

Like it’s those trips to the city, the walks on the Walls. Honey is dripping down your chin and he’s pretending he doesn’t want to kiss you, or there’s grease smeared on his forehead, and you’re reaching up to wipe it off his skin.

Like a thousand moments all at once, and he nods to himself as you brush your hand over his temple. The world outside is startlingly quiet, as if the universe itself stopped everything itself to watch this moment, and Reiner takes a breath that bruises his sternum before he’s holding your left hand where that ring still sits.

And slowly, he pulls it off, whispering as firmly as he can. He’s sure he fails—he’s shaking all over from your presence alone.

“When this is over, I’ll put that ring back on your finger. I promise.”

The smile that splits your face is dazzling. It’s the smile he’s missed since the day he left it.

“We have a lot of things to work out, Reiner Braun.”

And your fingers barely brush his jaw before you’re leaning to press a sweet kiss against his mouth. It’s sugary on his tongue, like honey and apple slices.

.

Your back is warmer when you’re pressed up against Reiner’s. The ship is quiet, and their pinkies are just barely hooked on oen another’s as you stare blankly at the empty space between Connie’s boots. You don’t speak, and Reiner’s gaze is only on you. He can’t look at anything else now that you’re back by his side again.

There’s a cut on your cheek from the fight just half an hour ago, and there’s dried blood along your hands where your knuckles had split open, but everyone seems too exhausted to clean themselves up. 

Reiner himself has a blanket pulled over his shoulders, and he sighs, slouching in his own sack of flesh.

Your head tilts towards him, enough that your temple presses against his cheek. His eyes close and he leans into your touch. Not a word passes by, but their hold on each other’s hands tightens. And Reiner thinks. 

For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Something that hasn’t burned since he left Marley as a child.

Reiner thinks he doesn’t want to die anymore. He doesn’t want to miss you for another moment.

.

Raising from the steam, you groan, your hands searing from the inside out as you touch your face where you swore every inch of your skin had been stretched, but nothing seems out of sorts as you glance around. Everywhere, all your friends who had turned just as you had are in various states of disoriented. The air is still hissing, crackled with surprised screams and shouts of names as people look for one another across the field. 

It smells like cooked meat and burnt hair, a none-to-pleasant mixture that turns your stomach.

Getting to your feet, you wipe at your face, trying to ignore the weird feeling underneath your nails and the ache seizing your muscles. Trying to ignore the remnants of Eren lingering like a ghost that won’t really leave you alone. You shiver, and a strange cold sweat takes over your body.

He had taken you to the sea, except it wasn’t the shore you were familiar with. There was a cabin nearby, with blonde children running, chasing after one another and a man with golden hair standing on the porch, firewood in his arms as he calls out silently. Or maybe you had been standing too far to hear.

“Eren… where are we?”

“Wherever you think you are,” he had said. “I just brought you where you wanted to be.”

A voice, quiet as a memory, catches your attention. “Here let me help.” A soft wind blows throw the mist, cooling your scorching face as you feel a presence stand behind you.

“Oh, thank you.” You look over your shoulder to see a tall boy, and your heart stops. Mouth dropping open, you stare at his foggy image, but he only smiles fully, a smile so tender it reaches every corner of you as you stumble forward, fingers stretching for him. “Bertholdt!”

His smile grows only that much more, eyes squinting a bit and a flash of teeth before he’s looking at your hand that passes through his chest. All at once, all the hope built up in your chest crumbles, and your hand snaps back, trembling just before him. He lays a hand over your own and your eyes begin to burn, tears slipping down your cheeks.

And then, softly, you barely whisper, “I miss you.”

Bertholdt’s smile merely grows, as if to say everything he couldn’t say before. As if to show he’s at peace now—that your last memory together isn’t every part of him, and your lips press together, trying to stop yourself from shaking.

 Shadows form in the fog, and together, the two look as a freckled boy and another girl steps out of the mist a distance away, beaming like the sun. Connie and Jean stagger to their feet just behind you, and your heart lurches into your throat when you recognize them.

“Marco! Sasha!”

Someone calls your name and you turn around just as arms scoop you up and you let out a surprised noise before settling into Reiner’s arms. Looking over your shoulder to look at Bertholdt, your heart only sinks.

He smiles and Reiner lets out a sharp breath beside you, settling you down. “Bertholdt…” More shapes emerge. A shorter boy accompanied by another taller one, both alike in their features. You recognize one as the Jaw Titan holder before Falco, but the other—

“Marcel!” Reiner chokes out the name, hand stretching out to the fog, but the boy merely tilts his head and waves.

Closing your eyes, hot tears streak over your cooling flesh as you fling your arms around Reiner again and press your face into his neck. He cradles the back of your head, and he feels… somehow weaker, but still, there is that impassable strength in his core that wraps around you as he watches over your shoulder, still clinging on despite your clothes hot enough to burn.

I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive. It’s the only thought in your head. Your last clear memory had truly been the others taking flight, and the pain that had ripped apart your body before sewing it back together again in unjust proportions. Your limbs had been too big, your blood racing too warmly through your head as your legs pumped but your brain screamed to stop. 

Your fingers had sank into Reiner’s legs to pull him down and you had watched—watched Jean take a bite out of him—

You shiver and Reiner’s arms tighten around you instinctively, constricting enough to let you know that his attention isn’t on you quite yet.

Boots shifting on the ground tentatively, your knees feel gummy as you draw back long enough to look at him. He still looks over your shoulder, and you follow his gaze to watch the mist retreat. Bertholdt and the other two boys fall into a pool of fog, and your lips part in a farewell, but it’s already too late.

He’s gone.

A wind sweeps through the battlefield, tickling your sweating neck and cooling your boiling blood.

“Hey,” a soft voice croaks.

Their eyes meet in tandem. He regards you softly, like you are the reason the sun rises and the stars hang at the sky. Overwhelmed, you can only cup the back of his neck and pull him into a deep kiss. Your other hand along his jaw, it takes all you can not to pull him into a bone-crushing embrace that’ll send them both to the ground.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” you whisper hushedly against his mouth, throat swelling as he lets out a soft noise of surprise as you pull him into another tight hug. You don’t care that you’re crushing him, just that his heart is pounding against your own chest. “I couldn’t stop myself. I’m so sorry.” 

His eyes widening, he wraps his hands around your wrists and pulling you back just enough to kiss your fingers that crumple against his mouth. Clasping one of his hands in both of your own, you close your eyes and he uses his free fingers to brush the tears off your cheek before reaching into some dented tin you don’t recognize.

Eyebrows furrowing, you feel the heat leave your entire body, sapping your energy too, and your eyes snap to Reiner who steps back, cracking it open and presenting it to you. 

“You’re not the one who has to be sorry. I don’t think I’m the Armoured Titan anymore,” he whispers. “I don’t know if I get the rest of my life back, but either way, I want to spend the rest of it repenting to you in any way I can, if you’ll allow me to.” A weak smile. “Truth.”

Your throat closes up, and you stare down at the ring so protected, gleaming despite the destruction around them. It looks almost out of place amongst the grime smearing your skin, the sweat drenching their skin, the smell of blood and metal clinging to their clothes, but Reiner only watches you with a tenderness you can barely meet. It’s so overtly overflowing with devotion that your heart is resting on your tongue, seizing control of everything. 

You barely nod, chewing on your lip, trying not to cry even harder as his eyebrows rise in relief and he lets out a long sigh.

He lifts the ring out of the tin, snapping it closed before sliding the band back home onto your finger and all at once, everything floods you. The exhaustion, the pain, the hunger, thirst, grief wrapping around your bones and chaining you to the ground.

It’s over.

The minute he put the ring on your finger, it would mean it was over. No more blood, no more fighting.

Just like he promised.

You barely croak out his name before you fall to your knees. You trust him to catch you, and he does.

[THREE YEARS LATER]

Just after the Rumbling had stopped, you had gone back to Paradis alone and came back with three children to a man who was still uncertain in a world that was changing. 

Since then, you’ve learned so much about the world, about yourself, about Reiner. 

How he’s seized by night terrors even now, just like you, and how one thing that soothes it is going out for a walk while the sun still simmers below the horizon, the sky a dark navy blue spliced with orange rays. The intricate details like him making a point to tie his own tie because his father never taught him how or the way he has to chug his coffee so he has enough energy to get through the day.

And some days are horrible, haunting, but now, it is far outweighed by the good. He teaches Xav how to dress smart, takes the girls out shopping. Sometimes, he’s spotted around Liberio with a flame-haired boy riding his shoulders, you trailing behind hiding a smile behind some ice-cream.

Different nations, foods, cultures surround you now—citizens of countries coming to settle down roots, spread cuisine to Marley. The idea before, of humans so different than you but still similar at the root of it all, existing, still blows your mind. The technologies that you had never seen before, languages you’d never heard, sights you’d never seen, had all swarmed you as you stepped into a new world with him.

But there is always one thing you’ll come back to.

Leaning against the railing in the port city Reiner told you was the harbour he had left twelve years ago, and returned to seven years ago, you watch the clouds travel in slow drags across the pale blue canvas hung high above your head. The water spans for as far as you can see, glimmering under the sun and gorgeous enough to take your breath away. You pull at your coat across your chest absently, ignoring the tender growl of your stomach. 

Breathing in the salty wind, you feel your chest expand at the litle fishing boats a little ways out.

Reiner was right. You don’t get sick of the sea. You never will—not of this much water. You still remember the first time you had swam in it, the salt-water making your hair crisp, the cold sweat forming on your your sun-warmed skin.

You feel a hand on your shoulder. Looking up, you spot blonde hair and warm eyes and smile. Your heart flutters a bit. You shift on your feet.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Reiner leans down beside you, and you clasp your hands, letting the sea wind curl against your neck. Reaching to slip his hand in between yours, he sighs and you lean against his shoulder, glancing at their pile of interlaced fingers. “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” you whisper, although even still, you can feel a numbing at your fingertips. You remember what it was like to be a Titan, even now. The sensations haunt you—flashes of your own mutated body, the grotesque meat of your hands sinking into the ankles of the man beside you, the bloodcurdling roar spilling out of your throat.

Glancing at their fingers, you watch the flashes of silver of the rings play in the sunlight, your band now having a matching counterpart on his own hand. You grasp his hands tightly, bringing them up to your lips and his own grip tightens when you dust a kiss gently along his scarred knuckles.

“No,” you finally say at length. “I’m not okay. Going back to Paradis makes me nervous as hell, but we’ll manage.” He nods slowly, and you let go of his hands to wrap your arms around his neck. His own encircle your waist, pulling you flush against him and your eyes close at the familiar warmth—a warmth you’ve woken up next to most days for the past three years. 

“Have you eaten yet?” he murmurs, and your fingers play with the soft edges teasing at your pads as his nose presses against your cheek. Your eyes flutter at the soft heat emanating from his skin, and you shake your head, melting against him. With one arm still around you, he slants his body away from just enough to pull a bag out of his pocket and it crinkles as he hands it to you. Taking it, you frown and look inside.

A cream bun. You can’t help the crumbling in your expression and Reiner holds your face in his hands carefully, kissing the corner of your mouth.

“Let’s stay positive,” he whispers. “We don’t know the situation until we get there and Historia briefs us.”

“I know,” you whisper and his entire expression eases at your words. His eyes gaze at you as if you’re the sole centre of his universe, and he cups your jaw more insistently, pulling you in for a gentle kiss, one you ease into, your eyes fluttering shut as his tongue traces the seam of your mouth. Laughing, you feel his little nose scrunch and your heart bounds up into your throat as he pulls back only to kiss you again, softer this time.

“Get a room!” A sharp female voice ruins their moment and you pull back just enough to see a red-headed boy running towards them and Reiner crouches down just in time to scoop Xavier up.

“When are you getting married?” he demands. “I was promised cake when you guys got married.”

“I dunno. When you move out of the house I guess,” you tease and Xavier pouts, rubbing at the side of his nose with the heel of his palm.

“Besides, you got cake for your seventh birthday, buddy,” Reiner groans as the boy twists in his arms. “You’re getting heavy. What are you feeding him?” he adds, smiling roguishly at you and you roll your eyes as Alina and Anya approach, sun hats protecting them from the glaring sun. Alina, grocery bags in hand, waves. Anya, who’d been the one to shout, tucks her coin purse back into her bag before flashing you a great big smile.

Only fifteen and seventeen. You can barely recall what it’s like being that young anymore, but you’re grateful they didn’t spend it the way you did. They get to know beauty, and no limits at all. The former comes naturally, the latter is partially because Reiner spoils them rotten.

Alina picks a flower with velvety purple petals from a bouquet she cradles in her arm, extending it to you.

“For good luck,” she says. “And protection.” Your heart melts at her words and you pause for a moment, looking from the gorgeous bloom to Reiner, occupied with the boy in his arms making silly faces at him. Then, without another moment, you sneak the flower behind his ear and he reaches up immediately to hold it against his head, turning to you in surprise. 

“To protect the both of us,” you explain.

“Thank you. I’ll be extra careful now.” He looks at the girls, setting his free hand on Alina’s head heavily and she flushes, smiling grandly. “You three behave while we’re gone, alright?”

You nod. “Listen to Levi.” 

“And listen to your sister,” Reiner adds to Alina and Xavier. The former rolls her eyes, the latter sticks out his tongue. “I’ll miss you.”

This is their home—their family that tumbles together into a huge hug, and you can’t help but stand back, watching how they all seem to merge into one unit, unaware of where one part of their reach ends and another begins.

As Reiner pulls you into the hug, your heart soars through your body, effortlessly pounding in your throat and in your fingers and everywhere at once. Liquid heat pools everywhere as Xavier screws up his face when you kiss his cheek, the same way Reiner does after he’s eaten something sour.

And maybe it’s a bit different, or a bit broken, the shards of their bloody history still poking at their heels whenever they think you’ve forgotten them, and it’s most definitely not perfect, but you would rather have it like this then anything else.

“Hey, guys!” Breaking apart, the family look over to see Armin, Annie, and Pieck walking over. Gabi and Falco meander a little bit behind, pushing Levi in his wheelchair, and Jean and Connie are running not far behind them, shouting at one another. You stifle a laugh and Xavier shimmies out of Reiner’s hold to run towards them. The girls follow after him, trying to hold back their runs but the closer they get, you can tell the more frantic they are to say goodbye.

So this is what they’ve made a peace. Something, you hope, is good.

Annie bypasses them quickly, making her way over to you and you survey her face as Reiner squeezes your shoulder, walking over to their friends. Her blue eyes are fixed on your face, and you feel your lips curving into a smile as she shoves her hands in her pockets. Her hair is swaying in the wind, gleaming flaxen, and you remind yourself, not for the first time, that Armin and Annie’s kids, if they ever decide they want them, will be gorgeous.

Hope for the future, and all that.

She stops in front of you, tucking a strand behind her ear.

“So,” she says at length, “we’re going back to Paradis. I’m surprised you decided to come with us. You don’t owe any of us anything.”

“I know. But… you’re my best friend. You do the talking, I fly the getaway plane, right?”

“Yeah. There used to be a time when it probably would’ve been the opposite.”

You nod, and they stand in silence for a moment, watching each other. Two women who should not have been friends, but were against all odds. You don’t think you would be here today if it weren’t for Annie.

Your heart lurches and you take a step forward just as she does, her mouth open to say something. You throw your arms around her and she lets out a noise in surprise as you close your eyes. Arms coming underneath yours, her hands dig into your shoulders and you smile against soft hair as she sighs, easing into your hug.

“Finally working together on an actual assignment,” you mumble and her head tilts as her small frame shifts, a hand patting you on the back as a sign for you to back up. “Just like we always said we would.” 

Bluntly: “Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“You, too.” Pulling back, the two look at one another for another soft moment before you remember the bag in your hand and you shift the bun up in the bag, extending it towards her. “Want some?” Her eyebrows rise in faint delight, before she’s reaching over, pinching and tearing a piece off. 

You grin and do the same and you gesture for her to come stand by the rails with you, stuffing the bag into your coat pocket. Leaning against the warm metal again, you hear a seagull call. The plane you’ll be flying to Paradis floats on the water, the technicians giving it the final check before you take off.

If anything goes wrong while you help prepare and oversee accommodations for the rest of the ambassador group, you’ll remember to fire the black signal flare, but you trust Historia. You trust your friends.

You glance over at them, all laughing, and you notice that the flower has gone from Reiner to Pieck, who’s taking it out of her dark hair to tuck it into Jean’s, and his cheeks redden as he brushes it more securely behind his ear.

Annie catches your attention again, pointing out idly that they’ll have to separate soon when they finish with the plane, and you tell her to just wait a couple minutes more as Reiner catches your gaze. Setting Xav, who has somehow wormed his way back into his arms, down, he walks back over to you, and his hand trails purposefully over your back before resting at the nape of your neck, a reassuring weight on your body.

“You guys okay?”

“We’re fine,” Annie replies. “You have a clingy boyfriend,” she tells you. 

“I think it’s charming.”

She rolls her eyes. Reiner smiles, and you pat the railing beside you—silent invitation. He leans in on your other side, clasping his hands and watching the fishermen pull themselves to shore, singing a tune to each other—one familiar to all three of them and one that you wish you could get out of your head. 

“Soon may the Wellerman come…”

A faint breeze tickling at your fingertips as a sharp call for embarkment splits the harbour, you simply sigh and look over at Reiner. “I just want these last few moments to last.” His eyes meet yours, and he leans forward to press a kiss between your eyes. Annie lets out a soft noise of disgust and you bump your hip against her as Reiner pulls back.

Closing your eyes and lifting your head to the wind, you can almost imagine the one person missing standing on the other side of Annie, dark hair like spun, stained bronze and eyes like warm chocolate. He’d smile and tell them not to worry in that sincere way of his that makes you believe every word he says—as long as they were careful, they wouldn’t walk into any traps.

Your chest aches, and your lips tug into a heart-wrenching smile as you begin to sing along. Reiner slips a hand in between yours, pressing his temple against your head and you loop your other arm through Annie’s.

She rests her head on your shoulder, listening to your voice, eyes on the sailors bringing in their haul below them. Reiner hums the shanty softly, distractedly, eyes cast across the sea.

You tilt your head up to the sky, at the stars you cannot see but will join one day, and smile.

[nagisa-shiota-worthy-shit]

Tinder Matches

Karmagisa Week 2021, day 1 prompt: Matching  wordcount: 1600

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The fact that Nagisa had a tinder account wasn’t something he really shared with anyone. At the time, he’d created it as a joke, a way of amusing his friend’s stupid suggestion. According to Kayano, it truly could be the solution to his lack of experience in the love life department. Nagisa hadn’t been too sure about that. He was more than aware of the application’s status and, no, he wasn’t really interested in finding people to just have sex with. 

Yet, somehow, he still found himself swiping through people on the app one night. He was alone in his room, a little bored, and perhaps even a little too tired after a day’s worth of teaching. None of the people he came across really interested him much, although he had to admit that he’d probably give them a shot if he saw them in real life, just because he wanted to believe in the best in people. 

This app, however, gave little to no information on someone’s personality. Then again, some people were very clear about looking for someone rich to provide for them, which Nagisa guessed his teacher’s salary wasn’t exactly right for, and he supposed that also said something about their personality and what they were like in a relationship. Nothing Nagisa really wished to deal with. 

After swiping left on complete strangers in fear of one secretly being a stalker, murderer, or just having horrible table manners, he suddenly stopped when a familiar face popped up on his screen. the red hair, the golden eyes, that all too familiar smirk. Nagisa recognized exactly who he was seeing, yet somehow couldn't exactly process the idea. it just didn't seem entirely right. 

Someone like Karma wouldn't need to use tinder, right? 

He found himself staring at the title picture for a while before he realized he could scroll through and see more. it wasn't like he didn't know what karma looked like... but... he sure was curious about what karma was putting out there. 

It didn't appear to be all that special at first. A selfie in a casual outfit, a picture of him at a bar with people Nagisa didn't recognize, a traveling picture, but the last picture was something else. This picture appeared professionally taken, or at the very least it wasn't a selfie and the picture was set up. Karma was posing in it, after all. Posing in a suit, the jacket in his hand, thrown over his shoulder as he glanced at the camera with those devilish eyes. Nagisa was nothing but taken back by it. 

He shouldn't be staring, should he? This was his close friend and fellow assassin graduate, the staring was just weird. Yet, somehow, he couldn't look away from the picture and thought back to when he’d first met Karma, so many years ago now. He’d felt the same sense of awe back then. Karma was just so perfect, how couldn’t he. This picture, him as an adult looking like a literal model, was like a visual representation of everything Nagisa used to feel Karma was. 

The sudden noise of the train passing near his apartment woke him up from his state. suddenly turning very red, he frantically moved his hands and went to swipe left, except his phone nearly fell out of his hands in the process. He caught it, hands all over the screen and, through his own fingers, he could see Karma being swiped right. 

no. no nonono. please go back

Nagisa fumbled with his phone, hoping to undo his actions, but before he could do anything, a message popped up on the screen. He was surprised by it to say the least. 

‘you've got a match’

A match. He matched. but that meant... Karma had swiped right on him as well?! why would he- probably as a joke. he probably came across nagisa and thought it was funny, right? Nagisa had to assume that was the truth, although deep in his mind a thought echoed around saying the exact opposite. Maybe he wanted it to not be a joke.

After panicking for a hot minute, his phone made a ping sound, indicating he’d gotten a message. He was too scared to look. Somehow, before even opening the message, he could already sense who it was from. Sure enough, once he finally did gather the courage to check the notification, his fears were proven right. This was the worst situation. 

Karma: well well well, didnt take you as the tinder type

He considered ignoring it. What was that called again? Ghosting? Yes, he could ghost Karma. If he didn’t respond to the message, perhaps nothing else unfavourable would be happening. Well, Karma would probably mention it to him the next time they spoke in real life. That would probably be even worse. It wasn’t like he could ignore Karma for the rest of his life. It wasn’t like he wanted to. 

Nagisa: i'm not

Karma: yet here you are.

Karma: swiping right on me ;)

The cockiness almost oozed out of the message. Nagisa was left frowning at his phone. The main thought going through his mind was that Karma was probably enjoying this. He was a sadist like that. He was having fun while Nagisa wanted to bury himself as deep underground as possible. 

Nagisa: you swiped right first! 

Nagisa: mine was an accident

Nagisa: I was surprised to see you on here and my phone dropped

Karma: ah, so you wouldn't swipe right on me :( am I too ugly?

Nagisa felt his face grow hot. He probably shouldn't look at his reflection if he wanted to save himself from the image of his head being a tomato. He didn't think karma was ugly. quite the opposite, actually. Not that he could say that. That would be weird. So, he tried to find some middle ground answer, not calling karma ugly or the opposite of that. 

Nagisa: I never said that, I just didn't intend to swipe right on someone i'm already friends with. 

There, no way that could be taken wrong. He considered sending an additional message, clarifying just how dropping his phone led to the swiping right, but decided against it. It would sound just a little too defensive. 

Karma: well,its nice this gives us a chance to talk again anyways. appears youve been too busy to answrr my texts. 

An awkward laugh escaped Nagisa as he looked away from his phone, forgetting Karma couldn't actually see his reaction. There was no reason to avoid eye contact when there was no eye contact to begin with. Still, he shared the sentiment. He kind of had forgotten to keep contact with people lately. 

He blamed the new workplace. After finishing his days as a trainee, the new school he worked at was surprisingly more demanding. He always knew being a full time teacher was a lot of work, especially now that there was no one to keep an eye on him and remind him of certain teaching specifics of the school he taught at. Of course, the work was rewarding enough for him to barely think about his loss of contacts. He had a habit of treating those too loosely anyways. 

Nagisa: ive just been working

Karma: workaholic

Nagisa: you literally have more work hours than me

Karma: and somehow you still spend as much time working as me. 

The conversation went on like that for a bit, them going back and forth at each other. Overall, it wasn't a bad time. Nagisa kind of forgot about the actual use of the app, and the fact that he could just DM Karma on line whenever he wanted to, until Karma managed to bring back the conversation to it. 

Karma: you know, usually when people match, they try to meet up for a date

Of course Nagisa was aware that that's what the app was for, it was sort of the reason he’d gotten it as well. However, he didn't think anything would lead anywhere for him, let alone with karma. surely karma wasn't being serious. it would be weird to go on a date with your friend. 

and still, Nagisa endulged him, being so stupid as to ask further. 

Nagisa: where do people even go on tinder dates?

Karma: anywhere they want to, usually just for drinks, easy way to lead them home a little tipsy afterwards

Nagisa: okay that sounds creepy

Karma: if that's not your style I could always take you out for dinner. 

Karma: There's this new sushi restaurant near my place, looks like something you'd love. 

somehow, he actually considered it. On any other day, that would sound insane to nagisa. Since when would he consider dating karma? Wait, not dating, going on a date with Karma. There was a difference. Sushi did sound great, and so did Karma's company. He supposed he hadn't really been out like that in a while. date or not. 

Karma: i can even pick you up, very romantic 

The word hit Nagisa a little hard. Romantic. What would that entail? Would they sit opposite of each other, send cute glances, maybe even hold hands beside the table? He wanted his mind to hate the idea of that, doing those things with his friend, ruining the relationship they already had. But, he also wanted to give in, say yes, and see where things would lead. At the very least, he'd have a fun night with good food. 

Nagisa: you have a day in mind?

Karma: how's Saturday?

Nagisa: Saturday's fine

Karma: it's a date!