#and that some of my mental breakdown vent that i dont even mean hurt him

[ningningkittie]

the anxiety pills arent even working :c

[boy-porridge-vent]

Day 1

***Trigger Warning for most of this post!*** :(

 New vent account, I just have a lot to get off my chest, not right now per-say but in general, a lot has happened and I’m not coping well.

To start off, I’ve relapsed into self harm again

Not only cutting, but nearly everything I was able to get myself to stop doing.

 * I’ve begun to cut again, it’s now to the point where it gets deeper & messier each time I have a panic attack/breakdown (whatever the difference is).

* Im scratching & biting a lot more

* Punching myself until I bruise

* Weighing myself constantly, about 3-10 times a day, it’s in secret though since the scale is kinda hidden in my basement ever since my parents took it away

* Ive begun to check calories & count them. Before this past month, Ive never done this before & now it’s almost like a nervous habit! :(

* I’ve relasped into my an*rexia urges again. I’ve been having trouble with my body image & eating since about 5th grade; not to get too personal, but my mom was & still is hard on me, always called me ugly or fat because of an early puberty that made my body change quickly in a pretty gross way. Had a lot of acne since 4th grade;;; anyways, because of all that, and finding Onision, I was obsessed with his UhOhBro channel around 5th grade & took some of his more serious videos related to starvation & self harm to mind and tried it on myself because, despite him having a stone-cold hatred for it, I was a dumb kid and didn’t listen. So yeah, 5th grade I would starve myself or eat very little; 6th grade I kinda stopped but struggled with my clothing choice/identity more; 7th grade I struggled with gender; 8th grade was when an*rexia came back, more severely than ever, but it happened in short bursts over a few months, I also started cutting but very rarely; 9th I was much more happy & settled down just a bit, really figured out who I was; 10th things weren’t exactly the best, cutting came back & began to be more frquent but not deep; 11th was the worst, I’ve now been eating very little ever since school started, first day back wasnt exactly the best & I ended up cutting again for the first time in months moments after I got home.

 A lot more has happened since then and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t mean for any of this to make anybody upset or possibly relapse/get urges themselves when reading all this, I get so sad when I see others struggling too, I always try to help any of my friends or even random people online if they post a vent. I love bein there to support & help, even help get people to come out of serious relapses! But when it comes to myself, I tend to feel no pity, like I deserve this. There’s something wrong with me in my head, this has been gong on for years, every year feels worse than before, and yet everytime Ive gone to my dad, principles, teachers, or school counselors, they never help! They tell me off, saying Im fine, I dont need a therapist because therapists are scammers, or that I just need to be more positive & get over it.

Ive been told this for years, so maybe… it’s just me who’s to blame. Im the only one who sees what’s happening because it’s not really a big deal. I just make it seem wore than it is in my head. I have friends who care & ask if Im okay, ask if they can help, but honestly they cant help. They can support & I’ll vent to them but it doesn’t fix anything, I vent but it doesn’t fix my mind or my empty stomach or my hand reaching for my same used razor. Nothing has helped and I’m worried that after a while Im going to end up killing myself, whether it’s on purpose or it happens on accident when I go too deep. I have a lot I wish to do in my life, but at the same time, with all this shit that’s happened and how my life feels as if it keeps getting worse everyday, I will admit that at this point if I DID die, I guess I wouldn’t be too upset. I am scared of what will happen after death, nobody knows what happens, but I know that I am legally an organ donor, and I do have part of my will typed up in the case that I do die suddenly one day, so I guess it isn’t too bad.

I will be honest, Ive never been exactly suicidal before, but these past 4 months I think I’ve been legitamately suicidal and ready to go whenever I have a breakdown. Everytime I relapse I think of just ending it all right then and there, but then pussy out because I think about my few friends, my followers on other social media, my pets, my plants, and other people I wish to change the lives of in the future. I want to adopt a kid someday and give them what I didn’t get, treat them as I wished to be treated, help them grow up into the person I wish I had by my side growing up. They’d be my child, I’d be their parent, but we’d also be best friends. I wanted to start my own show, my own comic, my own booth at cons, meet so many people, get married, do music, so many things

but honestly, I don’t think I’ll live much longer after my senior year of highschool. I’m planning on finishing this year out, trying to finish my senior year, graduate, then I’ll leave this Earth with a bang. Maybe literally, or maybe through some other way of suicide, I don’t know. I might even do it sometime before I graduate. Not to make people sad, not for attention and pity, but because I can’t continue on like this, and I want the people who’ve wronged me to see what they did. I want those who refused to help, even when I was in front of them screaming & begging them to get me some kind of therapy or help, to see what they caused. I want them to see that I wasn’t just some sensitive crybaby that needed to get over himself, I want them to see that mental illness can run rampant in anybody & they need to be open to helping those who really need it.

 Ive been through so much. Ive been bullied, made fun of by my own mother, neglected by her, pysically/emotionally/mentally/VERBALLY/and even sexually abused by an ex partner of mine, Ive been literally harrassed, Ive been used solely for sex by nearly every single ex of mine, Ive been manipulated/guilt tripped/gas-lighted/made to feel as if my abuse was my fault, Ive been punished by my school for being abused by my ex! Yet everyone who has ever hurt me in these ways always got away with it scott-free. Why? I have no idea. I like to say that they’re let off the hook because I don’t come to school with black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and mascara running down my face. Abuse is abuse, it doesn’t have to have visible signs. Yet, mine does. I have self harm wounds, not because I blame them for making me self harm (as one of my exes once did), but because of trauma I still deal with that stemmed from their treatment of me. I have nightmares about my ex and her treatment toward me. I get SCARED when my mom comes home. I get nervous walking into school. I hate being touhed physically because it reminds me of so many people from the past getting physical and leaving me in the dirt afterward, even when I trusted them with everything. I hate saying I love you to anybody because of how little it means when others say it to me. Many partners would send hearts & “I love you"s, then throw me out like I was garbage.

I’m so tired of it all.

But maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe Im the problem. Im too quiet. Im too much of a pacifist. I hate confrontation. I hate violence. I hate hating people. If Im hurt by someone, even being abused, I always forgive and let them back in, and I get hurt again over and over. But on the rare chance that I dont forgive, when I do hate them with every cell in me, then for some reason, I can’t get them away, I can’t get them out of my life. They’re always around as a constantly reminder of what happened and how I was used and how I will never change, I’ll never be able to stick up for myself.

 if all that is going to happen in my life involves me being used for sex, money, or compliments to make others feel higher about themselves, then I don’t want to be around anymore. But I can’t just kill myself on a whim and call it a day.

I wouldn’t exactly say this is why I self harm, my self harm isn’t a choice, it just… kind of happens. It’s an addiction; scientifically, it has been proven to have addictive tendencies, which is why it’s so hard to stop once you’ve started/relapsed. I self harm because it’s an addiction that I can’t help, and becaue of bottled up, unresolved trauma that gets worse with every new day that I keep it bottled up for.

 This isn’t going to get better. Sorry for typing out so much too. I have an issue with piling all my thoughts and how I feel into multiple huge paragraphs, so there’s much more of that to come.

Also to come, weight updates & keeping track of what I eat/how long I can go with no food whatsoever. So far I’ve gone about 1/ maybe 2??? days straight, though I stayed home today so I did have to eat dinner, which caused me to gain 1 pound. But I lost 4.5 pounds in that day of not eating, so I can lose that 1 pound pretty quickly. Plus my metabolism is very very fast, so even if I did eat a lot I’d lose all that weight in a few hours/a day or two, depending on how much I ate.

This is day 1 of my further decline.

September 01, 2019

[mingi-bubu]

Watch “Love O2O” with Me!

Episode 16

ooohh we are past the halfway point now T.T

i wonder whats going to happen over the summer break !

we are soon to find out ^^~

i have my ramen, my phone is plugged in, i have mogu mogu and no water :|

as the lovely mark lee would say, lezgeddit

oh so according to the episode summary we should be seeing wei2 get a phone soon

i mean obvioulsy the plot calls for it

but still very nice to see

so to summarize the summary weiwei is invested in weinai but scared about summer and shes working hard to get a cellphone and nai goes up against a hacker

we open in the airport or trainstation or something with nai walking back to her

wuhan is wehre shes from

no tickets for 5 days

wowowow

plane ticket for the day after tomorrow

god this is really awkward and now its even funnier bc his phone wasnt on aldkjfslkdj

hes :[

he was so excited too to have her stay any more time

since they mentioned planes specifically im gonna say shes train-ing it

oh so she just left like a shit ton of stuff in her dorm?

shes gonna miss her train

FEOREHAED KISS

nai’s lil mole on his cheekbone i

*smooch*

he wasnt even touching her arm im fuckign weak

still is a NICE fucking car im not over that bit yet

our boy got a phone call and then took the cactus out of the burberry bag

they really are flashing back to their first irl meeting huh

i still think that the framing in that scene was awkward

like i know there were nai fansites but i wonder if there were nai fansites on weibo and stuff adkjflskd

oh we’re just recapping all of their irl relationship huh

ok then

boy if that cactus falls on you its gonna hurt

AWWWW WEIWEI’S DAD!!!

hes so funny i love him

oooh he got a new car?

no avespa

where is he going to put the suitcase

well i guess that doesnt matter

hoy shit her house is nice

this is very awkward

ooohhhh its bc her mom SUCKS at cooking ok ok

oh she really do be giving her mom the puppydog eyes huh

kodak!!!

whos the other guy

its the #Squad and some other guy

oh its the rest of the staff i guess

their office is packed

and he added stuff to his personal office

i swear that that weird thing wasnt there before

he :] at the cactus awwwww

ajl;dkfasjd weiwei isnt allowed to date

but more imprtdanly he :D

shut ppppp he so cuteee

 alksdjflkadsjf;lkas HER MTOEHR CAME BACK

XIAOYANG IM SICKK

SHE REALLY USED HER LIL TUTOR BUDDY AS AN EXUSE

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU WHEN IM STUCK ON A PROBLEM I LOVE IT

SHES REALLY SAYING SHE DOESNT WANT TO TUTOR THIS KID

GET A JOB AKJFALSKJD

her mom really took her whole ass scholarship money away

HE SAVE HER HOME NUMBER AS MOTHER IN LAW’S HOUSE I HATE IT HERE

how to be that fucking confident

september loks so good hhhh

the demo is set for sept 20 and theyre going up against yiran’s uncle

he really is having kodak have a mental breakdown

lksdflskajf

kodak got a new haircut too!

jiayou!!!

ok we meet the kid weiwei’s tutoring over the summer

what are they doing???

trig??

its rainy in wuhan

this like 10 year old has an apple watch wthat the fuck

it is a NICE house she just left

she really do be doing the most

their faucet is fucked up a lil bit

oh so she can game now

understood

is anyone on?

oh he is

she said as she sneezes

im dead

shes really doing asmr for him rn im sick

he looks good in plain tshirts

he really said i cant blame your mother

they really are sponsered by the yakult brand

washing vegetables is much easier than doing dishes what the fuck

hes jasdlfkas

you didnt mute yourself so tecnically he iddnt eavestrop

phothesohafj

only beansprouts like the dark

DAMN SHE BRAZEN NOW

HE :D

:))))

CUTEEEE

oooh tinie game design i love it

they sound like dogs

sweetie theyre animations

she really just vented to the animations

if you dont mute it its meaningless babe

shes sneaking around on the phone???

also they sure do have a lot of fish

whats supposed to happen if he cant pay??

like

bruh

you didnt think this thru all the way i think

i guess he did have money

he had to borrow money ajflaksdj

god hes pretty in that shot

i want rice with beef

i say as i eat my spicey ramen

these people are too skinny

especially wei2

her room is cool

she has a giant stuffed fox? on her bed

she really do being asking about the drama

me too tho

she sleep and he work

he bring the cactus everyweher with him

she wake

she has an alcove in her window???  god i wish that were me

oh they look at the night sky at the same time

dorky

and back to the office

they put fish in an old monitor

one of the benches is a keyboraad???

omg

kodak have juice

ew that was

gross

why is he sleping at the office?

i have many questiotn

oh no something happened

oh he napped

his wallpaper is changed

kodak got hacked

and he cant change it back no matter what

hmmmm

did he just hard reset it

looks like

nai will be alerteed as soon as

OH MY GOD

IS IT HIM

OH MY GOOOODDDD

OH MY GOD

IM SHOOK

ITS CHEF BOY

DAMN

I

HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU MEAN NO HARM BUT HACK THEM ANWAYS

sdlkfsjd;l

he really stay on this whole goddess thing huh

oh theyre gona

elbow batches

they hacked the camera

oh my god???

its the end of the episode wht the FUCK

ughhhh

afl;kjas im upset

also september has elbow patches i got distracted a bit im sorry

thats all for this episode

unfortunately

thank you for reading!!!

stay safe and stay healthy <333

[crazynuttrane]

With them, I realise I have been carrying close to 17 years of hurt. 

I have once been a really angsty teenager, with a reallllyyy bad temper. When I was angry in secondary school I used to throw chairs (and things), [but not at people] to vent my anger about my life and how they made me feel. 

As I got older, I tried to learn to appreciate everything more, them more, life more, to be grateful for the comfortable life I have gotten. I tried to be grateful with the life that didnt require me to worry about tuition fees, without having to support the family. 

I tried to tell myself because of this gratefulness - I should be appreciative, be nice, be helpful, not to be angsty cause it doesn’t help anybody.

But this month I just realise I have been in complete denial of my problem. 

It dawned on me, after reading around, that I’ve been with emotionally immature people. I’ve been struggling to keep my head afloat with emotionally immature people (behaving emotionally younger than their actual age), and I’ve been doing it all wrong all this while. 

I realised that I have been in denial about my emotional loneliness, I have been handling more emotions than myself for a long time, for many many years, since I was a kid. And I guess that kind of explains why I always felt like I was an adult kid, well above my years in maturity. I guess it also explains why I tend to attract needy people to lean on me. 

It explains why I “pass“ my hurt to my ex - constantly telling him I wanted to up and leave. Doing the same thing they do, by threatening to leave me. Doing it without meaning or knowing why I was doing it. I didnt even realise what was causing me to do it.

Because I have had no choice but to quickly “grow up” emotionally to not just handle my own but also other people’s emotional upheavals. I had no choice but to cry on my own when I get insulted to be stupid, horrible, telling me I am making people’s life difficult, that I am purposely making them upset all the time. 

I’ve always had to feel like only I’ve got my own back, to have to defend myself from the hurt, cause no one can fend it off for me. To feel like even in a place full of people who love me, why sometimes it feels so depressing and lonely and tiring. 

And until he came along, I’ve had to do this myself, at least I’ve had to figure out how to, for the 10 years before he came into my life. 

And I’ve been trying to be the good person, to prove my worth, to do what makes people happy (even if inside it doesnt really help me), been trying to get validation. 

And everytime I get rejected, again and again, being called horrible, and other names again, and again. The heart just loses more hope; but yet it says ok never mind, next time we try harder. 

And finally it cannot take it anymore. It breaks apart. It no longer wants to try to get validation anymore, it wants validation to be served on a plate to me. And that’s when the angsty teenager comes back. 

The one who used to hit my fist on a wall. Even though my fist hurts, but it feels somehow the heart hurts so much more. The one who used to scream in a pillow cause there is nowhere else to scream at. The one who is upset with how life turned out, and has no clue how to get out of the situation. 

The one who comes back hurt, crying. But doesnt get the cuddles, nor the hugs, nor the support, but just gets the already bleeding heart trampled even more and returned to me. Who goes to a place the rest of the world deems to supposedly give me comfort, but it dishes out more hurt on a plate. To a place where I not only cannot nurse my wounds, I get salt thrown on my wound, declared that it is all my fault and I caused it, and I have to help other people nurse their wounds. 

And I realised that I had learned to block it out, I had learnt to ignore my own feelings and just work on other peoples’. And when I really needed the help, I reach out, and is expected to help again; I realise the little kid in me is dying inside all over again, and no wonder it feels like everything around me is crashing down. 

And then it completely was torn apart and broke down. 

“Developmental psychologist Jean Piaget (1963) observed that in order for people to learn anything new, their old mental pattern must break up and rework itself around the new, incoming knowledge. This process of internal breakdown and accommodation is key to continuing intellectual development. Likewise, Polish psychiatrist Kazimierz Dabrowski (1972) theorized that emotional distress is potentially a sign of growth, not necessarily illness. He saw psychological symptoms as coming from a freshly activated urge to grow and coined the term “positive disintegration” to describe times when people break down inside in order to reorganize into more emotionally complex beings. Dabrowski noticed that some people were able to expand their personalities as a result of these upheavals, while others soon slipped back to where they’d been before. He observed that psychologically unaware people weren’t likely to change much after an emotional upheaval. Other people, however, seemed to take periods of distress as opportunities to learn about themselves, meeting challenging emotional conditions with curiosity and a desire to learn from them.“

And I really almost lost it, I was so hurt and appalled at all of this new information tearing into my reality. I was so appalled at them tearing at my reality as well, trying to constantly still be getting me to validate their opinions and their feelings when like I’m hurting as well. 

I was so appalled at them telling me things that made me feel like I was really crazy; it made me really believe I was going crazy. And then it hit me.

They do love me, but they are so buried by their own emotional needs, they cannot extend beyond themselves to care for other’s emotional needs. 

That I couldnt ever reach out to them for help, I would just constantly get a slap in the face if I did. 

That since I already broke down inside, then I ought to make use of the opportunity to be stronger; use the sadness as a source of strength; and grow above it rather than go back to the status quo right after. 

That I needed to relearn how to deal with them, rather than constantly be a pushover and either fighting them over emotional battles (which is dumb); or letting them win over things I should have pushed for. 

That I needed to be focused on the outcome of what I wanted in my life rather than focus on them being emotionally needy and needing the younger me to support all of their emotional needs. 

I need to rise above this and be better, and not to let it go back to what it was before. Wishing myself to be stronger, be braver, be more confidence going forward.

Wishing myself to be able to say to myself that I am enough. 

Wishing myself to be able to say, I dont need to prove anything to anybody, that I am good enough being me right now.

01.09.2017

[fruit-gummi]

I'm making this post not because I want attention or anything, I just want to vent and screaming into the void that is tumblr is the best I can do rn. This also isn't directed at the like 1 person that follows me that i know in real life.

I am so alone. I have my boyfriend and thats about it. I ended highschool with pretty much zero close friends. Which, im not blaming it on other people, I was to to blame there too. I basically didn't show up to the second half of senior year and when i did it was pretty much just so i could do my work and not fail highschool my last semester. It didn't help that the year prior my ex best friend had spread lies and rumors about me and everyone sided with her so I left junior year with one friend. That eventually blew up even bigger and everyone was against her, but at that point the damage was done and I had no friend group. Which was partially why I sought out attention elsewhere. I also know that I wasn't the best person to hang around, I was depressed and at the time the only thing I was doing was sleeping with a bunch of guys because I liked the attention and I finally felt like I was worth something. Im 19 now, im not in college,so there's no potential for friends there, and while I could reach out to people from highschool, im scared to. I got the general vibe that no one really liked me at the end. I didn't get invited to anything, I felt the only reason people interacted with me in school was because I weaseled my way into whatever conversation was going on. I felt that I wasn't really wanted in any friend group, so I've stayed away. There's been a couple times I've seen old classmates at my boyfriends campus (when it was still open) but all it ever was was a passing hey, whats up and the one time I tried to start a conversation with two of them I got that same feeling, like i wasnt welcome there.

I met my boyfriend literally the last week of senior year. I moved in with him pretty much the first day I met him, which yeah, I know, kinda stupid. But it ended up being the best two months of my life so far and I dont regret it. He's got a fairly small friend group and they like me, but i also know im always gonna be just his girlfriend. Im can hold a conversation with them and it not awkward when my bf leaves the room, but I know they're never gonna really be my friends, theyre always gonna be his friends and im just his plus one to them. Im not complaining, cause at least its better than them not liking me at all and I've connected with all of them enough to know their interests and stuff. But it's also not like I'm ever gonna be able to talk to them about more serious stuff.

I think that part of why things went so south for me in February. I was having a mental breakdown and had no one to talk about how I was feeling except with my boyfriend and he had his own stress and stuff to deal with because of school and some other personal stuff going on. The two other people I could talk to about it were my exs best friend and a guy I had met on tinder before my boyfriend. Both of them contacted me first and I was hoping that maybe one of them just wanted to be friends. I had expressed to both of them that I had a boyfriend at the time and I only wanted a friend and they both said they were okay with that. The one from tinder still flirted with me, i figured that might just be his personality and never reciprocated other than calling him cute and we did talk about sexual stuff, but not about us together. I did the same stuff with my friends from highschool, so i figured it would be okay. I decided to hang out with him after he got off of work one day, at his house. He pretty much immediately tried to get in my pants. My boyfriend had been pulling away from me because of his own stress and I felt lonely and unloved, so i let him. And I cheated on my boyfriend for a second time. I regret both times wholly and completely and I wish I hadn't have done it, but I cant change the past and me and my bf are working through things slowly.

My exs best friend, T, contacted me around the same time and he seemed like he just wanted to talk, catch up a little. A lot had happened in both of our lives since my breakup with my ex and his two friends besides the girl he cheated on me with both liked me better than my ex. Again, I was hoping he would just want to be friends, and at first he did. We had both expressed that if we hadn't have been with our exes at the time, we probably would have gotten together, but that was about as far as the conversation went. I wanted a friend, so we met up to hang out. It was after he got off work, we just hung out and watched some show or movie or something in his room and I went home. I got clingy. Someone was actually giving me attention when I was a little starved for it and I wanted more. We started hanging out like every day, and after a few days of him treating me like a princess, even though we weren't an item or doing anything more than being friends, I was hooked. I decided I needed to take a break from my boyfriend and figure out if I wanted to pursue T and potentially actually have a relationship. While he is a great person and im sure he'll make someone very happy one day, i woke up in his bed one day and realized just how much i missed my boyfriend and wanted him back. I left T's place and I havent talked to him since. Me and my bf have talked about why this happened and were both trying to be better and communicate better so that it doesn't happen again.

Those two events plus the first time I cheated on him mean that trust is still being rebuilt. Yes, we still trust each other, but he doesn't completely trust that i won't do it again. Im not gonna fault him for that. Im the one that fucked up. However, because of that he gets suspicious of any one I have in my phone, especially guys, other than his friends. So i can't just start talking to people and not expect some sort of distrust there. Like I said, im not blaming him. Im the one that cheated and asked to take a break and then almost started dating another guy. Its my fault the distrust is there and im lucky that he took me back after what happened. I just feel so alone all the time. The only person I talk to is my bf and occasionally 1 friend from highschool and a couple that I met through work that are technically my friends, but also are like both of our friends.

Im so lonely and it hurts so much and I dont know what to do. Im spiraling back into my bad depression days and I dont know how to fix it and I kinda just want it all to end.

Like i said at the beginning. This is not a call for help or to try and get attention or someone from tumblr to be my friend. I just needed to vent and get it all out there, and this is pretty much the only way I can.

[blacksoul122]

venting

next weekend is the anniversary. and i am not doing that well. i am getting physically ill and just mentally unstable right now. i want to hurt myself i want to run and hide. i wont actually do any of that because ive come this far and i dont want to relapse and go back to the hospital but it feels like that could happen. i keep having flashbacks and depressed mood swings and just overall anxiety. this is just harder than i thought it would be. i know this next few weeks are going to be hell for me. i dont want to show my face anywhere right now and i dont want to even be alive right now either. i just neeeded to come on here and vent it out. i know none of my friends can understand how im feeling so i wont talk about it with them because i just feel like a burden. i need time to do some self care and try not to have another mental breakdown or go into a manic state again. im really scared im going to have a relapse. i just dont know what to expect. its putting a lot of stress on me right now too. im trying to hide it best i can so my co-workers and boss and family dont notice it. but it definately is eating away at me. i dont want to eat anymore and i hardly get out of bed and im trying to make it to the gym to work it out but thats getting hard to do too. i just hope i can make it through the next few weeks.i also feel like im going to start smoking again either cigs or weed or both which i havent done in months because i need to drownd out this pain. i know its not good for me but i dont care right now. i just want to numb it all out. theres too much going on for me to handle. i dont even think i can cry about it either. im just full of rage and sadness and anxiety and i cant do anything about it but ride it out. i guess im doing soemthing about it by writing this (typing) this all out instead of bottling it all up but still. i really just need to fill the void. because it seems to be growing right now and i want it to stop. sometimes i feel like im going backwards instead of fowards and just getting dragged down by my mental illnesses and just life in general. sometimes i dont feel like happiness is meant for me. like its not planned for me in this life time. i might have had it in the past but ive lost it and i dont know how to get it back. im too far on the dark side to recieve any light. theres just barley enough for me to see the other side and i cling on to that every day but some days the darkness consumes me and i cant get out. i feeel hopless and tired of fighting all the time. i feel like ive had time to think about everything that has happened to me and it just keeps replaying over and over again. i have major trust issues that i want to break out of but how can i when someone took advantage of me so badly has had this effect on me. i cant ever get his face out of my head and i just want to make him suffer. i want to make him pay for what he did. i dont feel like i got enough justice for what he did. i got some but not enough.it will never be enough for me and thats whats the worst part. sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i never went over to see him. i wonder if i would be happier or if something like this would still have happened to me. like the universe just has a way of having terrible things happening to me. what is it about me that attracts horrible things. it has taken over my life in ways i never expected it to. im scared ill never be able to trust anyone again. im scared of fututre relationships. im scared of it happening again. i dont feel like im worth anything to anyone and that hurts a lot. i want to mean something to someone. i want to be someones world. i want to have someone to be afraid to lose me. i want someone to fight for me and cherish every moment with me.i just know im not going to find that anytime soon and that hurts. im scared that if they ever find out that im bipolar or have been raped that they wont want me. because im damaged goods. im a broken person. i need someone to see beauty in me where i cannot. its hard to find those guys these days. i just want things to get better and this whole anniversary coming up is not helping me out what so ever. im trying my best to keep it all together but i dont think i can.

[shining-gundam]

sorry for le long post slash rant but i needa vent dis shiet because it kills me every second im awake and asleep.

ive known you for years and we dated for a little bit. but that time when we dated and when we didnt was one of the best and worst experiences of my life. when we first started talking i immediately felt a connection with you that ive never felt and havent since i met you. you made me feel like the happiest man on earth everytime you talked to me because we would literally talk from morning to midnight and we’d fall asleep during our calls. yeah i know i fucked up when we dated but i tried everything i could to make it right and everytime you said it was “fine” youd always bring it up everytime we argued just to hurt me. after we broke up you started dating one of my best friends a week later… i was heartbroken because because i felt betrayed by him and you because you would always tell me you loved me. even when you dated him you would do lewd with me, cheating on him. after you two broke up i said lets back together and make it work… you said no, that you werent ready but you still did lewd with me. not long you got another boyfriend after i told you lets get back together and you said you would date me again when it felt right… this was the first lie. after you got this new boyfriend you cheated on him with me too, calling me when you were in the mood to do lewd and one day when i couldnt pick up you dropped me like nothing… after you did i did something horrible as well and ive regreted ever since… that was the first time we stopped talking for months… after a while i messaged you on steam just wanting to reconnect after our fallout. after that you got angry with and told me you sucked your boyfriends dick just to spite me… it worked. you hurt me really good lol.

after that i fell into a depression. got out of that rut after a few months then you message me during april fools after months of not talking to me saying “jorgie? i have something to say… i still have feelings for you…” “SIKE NIGGA YOU THOUGHT….” honestly it was pretty scummy of you to do that. and not just to me but you also admitted to doing it to other people while you had a boyfriend. at this point in life i was over you. you hurt me and i found someone else that made me happy… you know who was… after months of talking to this girl i had the courage to confess that i liked her and she said that she liked me too and that she WOULD want to be in a relationship with me but she didnt want to hurt as shes hurt her other partners in the past. this was in the beginning of spring break of 2014. at the end of spring break that girl was in a relationship. i was heartbroken not because i loved her, although i felt like i did love her because i was trying to replace you, no, i wasnt heartbroken because i lost another love, it was because ive been lied to again… at this point ive begun to have trust issues, beginning to think that every person who made me feel special or happy was just using me as a stepping stone until they finally got the person they were hoping for to say yes finally did… i told you about what happened to me with this other girl and from this point you said you hated her for me as well. you had no idea how happy you made me feel and asked you to promise me to not do what this girl did to me… you promised… another lie from you…

from this point onward we’d talk everyday. i went from being over you to being completely head over heels for you. i realized the reason why i felt such a special connection to you when we first met and its because you were dream girl. the perfect person for me. heh. you would constantly cheat on your boyfriend that you were still with and everytime you two broke up youd come to me and i would help make you feel better with you saying that you loved me. the very next morning you would always get back with him even though you told me that i was your only ex boyfriend you would get back with… another lie. from this point on we would have an on and off relationship until the beginning of summer of 2016 where it seemed we finally met halfway. boy was i wrong. for the majority of summer of 2016 we would talk from the moment we woke up and everytime we left we would text each other and then call when we got home. come july 4th. you ignored me all day. until it was late at night you told me you spent the whole day with your boyfriend and it such a special day for you… wow, way to tell that to someone you know that loves you and the person that you also said you loved romantically… that night i cried in front of my friends which i never wanted to do. lol. you then got mad at me for telling them everything about us saying “now they think that im a thot” which i mean… cmon… of you got angry for that reason it should say about how you see yourself. after that we mended our relationship with us doing lewd every so often and you constantly telling me that you loved me and that if you had the opportunity that you would be with me… another lie… at this point we were so in sync that one morning we talked from morning to midnight but we didnt stop there. we continued to talk from midnight till the break of dawn with you telling me your secret that i was your first love and that i still was and i reciprocate those feeling by saying you were my first love and that you still were… and you still are. so essentially we talked for a whole 24 hours with you falling asleep at the end. after this i had a complete mental breakdown… one day at work i kept trying to call you during my break and text you… turns out you were ignoring me because you were with your boyfriend and then you dropped the bomb that you think itd be best if we stopped talking for good. i broke down. at work i was crying non-stop, i was hyper-ventilating so much that a coworker had to pull me aside to get fresh air. i was on the floor trying to call you but i kept going to voicemail and left you some voicemail… you told me that your boyfriend heard it all and that we should stop talking for good… that night i had to call my best friend and just cry and hyper-ventilate… it was by far the worst experience ive ever felt to date. before this happened you would constantly tell me how much you loved me and how much you wanted to be with me but you couldnt because you had a boyfriend and shit… another lie….

and this point we did stop talking, come new years eve where i messaged you on facebook telling you how much i missed you and how i still love you and how much i still want to be with you… i blocked you right afterward so you had no chance to respond lol. a week or two passes by and i find your instagram by chance.. i followed you and you immediately message me saying “you blocked me before i had a chance to respond… hehe.” and we started talking again. a mistake again. after a while i said i couldnt take it anymore. you have no idea how much it hurts being lonely, being in love with a person who says they love you on minute and then acts cold you the next… i had enough and i said to talk to me when youre single… that was another mistake by me… because one week later you were single… not for long. you added me saying “finally im single” and i didnt believe you because you told me you were single before just to keep me around… and apparently you were single this time but you got a boyfriend 3 days later… i had to find out BECAUSE YOU TRIED SNEAKING IT IN… YOU SAID THAT YOUR “BEST FRIEND IS DROPPING MAD HINTS THAT HES INTO ME” AND YOU WERE FUCKING DOING THIS SHIT AGAIN… YOU WERE ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU HAD THE GALL TO SAY “hes kind of like you and joa” AS IF THAT MAKES THINGS ANY BETTER. IVE NEVER FELT SUCH A RUSH OF EMOTION RANGING FROM DESPAIR TO FULL HATRED… you were doing this to me again… you called ME your best friend… and you were doing this to hurt me again… i was used as a stepping stone again… i hate you. but i still love you. i think about you every day and it hurts me every waking and sleeping moment… i hate you and i hope you die… no i dont. but you better watch out because i fully believe in karma and youre going to get whats coming to you for all the times youve cheated on your boyfriends with me and all the sins youve done. oh yeah i hope your guardian angel leaves you because of the amount of times youve sinned… so much for you being a “child of god” huh? fuck you. i hate you… but… happy birthday 4/25… goodbye.