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shihozaki · 4 years

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TW mention of anxiety

hi!! im so excited for your matchup event and i’ve really liked your writing style so far :) if it’s not too much trouble, i’d like to request a haikyuu male matchup please!! my name is joyce, i’m 17, and i use she/her pronouns. (i’ll message you my appearance and stuff :D )

i’m ISTP-T, a slytherin, and leo. my voice is pretty quiet and i’m just a quiet person overall when i’m around new people (social anxiety goes brr). i love baking, making hyper specific spotify playlists, and reading. i don’t really show my emotions well and i have pretty bad RBF so i usually come off as cold even when i dont mean to according to what my closest friends told me. also my self esteem goes from *i am the sexiest mf to walk this earth* to *im an ugly POS and deserve nothing* with no in between

my love language is anything tbh but especially gift giving and physical touch, even though i’m terrified of initiating it bc i didn’t really grow up in an affectionate household and i think i might be touchstarved :/. quality time is also nice since i’m completely down to just sit in comfortable silence with them, spending time together

in an SO, the most important thing is that they need to understand sometimes i just need time to myself. i’m not mad at them at all but i tend to isolate myself whenever my mental health deteriorates and i sometimes go a few days without contacting people simply bc i don’t have the energy to do so. whenever it does deteriorate, it’s usually because i just feel really down out of nowhere and it lasts 12 hours to a week.

i don’t really mesh well with clingy or unloyal people. i feel like i’d be okay if my SO focused on volleyball a lot bc i respect that they need time to work on their own things, so i wouldn’t say i’m necessarily needy in relationships. an ideal first date to me is going to an amusement park. i LIVE for the adrenaline roller coasters give me and i just think everything about it is super fun. plus it minimizes the chance for awkwardness bc there’s so much to do :D (i’m kinda awkward around people i don’t click with so uh yeah)

my favorite relationship dynamic is light hearted bullying. making fun of people and getting made fun of (with love ofc) is definitely a love language, and i’m not taking criticism <3 but i still want to be able to talk to them about serious stuff so knowing that i can wholeheartedly trust them is big for me

my athleticism is close to zero so in the HQ universe i’d probably be a manager. actually, i would give ANYTHING to be able to manage a team in haikyuu so rip 😔🤚

other facts:

i have a huge caffeine addiction bc i’m usually tired/sleep deprived (monster energy, coffee, whatever)

i also just love coffee in general (the aesthetic, the smell, everything is *chefs kiss*)

i’m more of a cat person but i still think dogs are so cool

my relationship w my parents SUCK so bad

i’m 90% book smart (my one flex is being good at math) and 10% street smart/common sense

even though i can bake well, i can’t cook for sh*t unless it’s avocado toast which i can make surprisingly well

i can be eliminated by a single peanut

Big Anxiety bc the only way i could get approval from my parents growing up was straight As and now my biggest fear is being unsuccessful 😎

artists i’m obsessed w right now are cigarettes after sex, chase atlantic, lil peep, the 1975, arctic monkeys, conan gray, and lana del rey

i love wearing my SO’s clothing and all of a sudden, their closet is now ~Our Closet~

thank you so much for doing this, and i look forward to the progress you’ll make in writing and whatever else you choose to set your mind to <3

Hi! Thank you for requesting! I’m also a Slutherin and a Leo, happy to meet you :)

I pair you up with Tooru Oikawa!

- You guys first met when you signed up to be your school’s volleyball team’s manager. Oikawa was immediately intrigued. A girl who doesn’t immediately faint when he waves at them? Wow.

- When he first made you smile, he KNEW he had to ask you out.

- First date at the amusement park, just like you suggested. Oikawa was a bit shocked that you enjoyed rollercoasters but that just made him more interested in you.

- Since he is the captain of his Volleyball team, and quite obsessed with the sport, he is willing to give you lots of time for yourself. He does check on you from time to time though, maybe by texting or giving a call :)

- Never makes you uncomfortable. He knows how you don’t do well in social situations, so he didn’t even tell his volleyball mates that you had started dating (of course they somehow found out later)

- Teases you SO. MUCH. Always makes some type of remark about your height and how much you drink coffee (even though he buys you coffee for Volleyball practice)

- He can always make you smile. He brings out the “Leo” side of you often, and raises your confidence up. In return, you help him with the “book smarts.”

- You guys trust one another and understand each other well. Even if you guys have a “silent date” (where you are reading and he’s watching videos of volleyball matches), you don’t feel any awkwardness.

- He hates it when your self esteem is low. He doesn’t understand how such an amazing girl could feel that way.

- Oikawa’s self esteem is sometimes kind of low too, so whenever you give him a motivational playlist on Spotify, he listens to it on repeat.

- Overall you guys bring out the best out of each other :)))

Scenario: When you guys talk about the future.

“We could get a cat.” You suggested. “A cat?” Oikawa quickly wrote down ‘cat’ on the list named ‘our future’. “We need a name.” You claimed. Oikawa shrugged. “How about… ‘Peanuts’.” “No.” Oikawa laughed. “I think it would be ironic. It’s a cute name too.” You rolled your eyes. “Okay, let’s scratch that then. What about our jobs?” You asked. “Quite obvious. I want to be a professional volleyball player.” Replied Oikawa. He grabbed the pillow from the couch and pretended to set it, acting as if it was a volleyball. “Yeah… I believe you can do it.” You smiled at Oikawa. Oikawa’s eyes met yours. “What about you, Joyce?” He questioned. You stayed silent for a bit. “.. I’m not too sure. I just don’t want to make a mistake and choose the wrong career, you know? I don’t want to fail.” You mumbled. Oikawa slowly moved towards you and pulled you into his arms. You immediately relaxed on him, your heartbeat going slightly bit faster. “You won’t.” Oikawa declared. “I’m sure no matter what you do, you’ll be great. There’s so many things to choose from, Babe. You’re gonna be okay.” You smiled. “Besides,” Oikawa added with a smirk on his face, “You might not need a job if you have me as your husband.”

Song: Campus by Vampire Weekend

I hope you enjoyed it, thank you once again! Constructive criticism is encouraged :) I hope to see you again soon!

#haikyuu matchups #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fanfiction #oikawa x reader #matchup #matchups open #haikyuu!!

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nouveauweird · 5 years

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bullshit-free guide to actually fucking writing your wip

disclaimer: this isn’t a fool proof method. when it comes to writing advice and techniques for productivity I say keep an open mind, but take what works for you and leave the rest.

disclaimer 02: this is more or less for people who want to eventually publish, but there may be elements in here that benefit hobby-writers.

Where & When You Write

Some people will tell you that your writing routine needs to be sacred. I don’t quite believe that. You can absolutely curate a space for yourself that you aim to write in, but at the same time, focusing very strongly on the ritual of writing makes it hard to create an adaptable habit.

The Writing Zone:

Your desk or table should face away from your bed, my mother always swore by that and it stuck with me. If space doesn’t allow for that, consider putting furniture or some partition up so you can’t see your bed. For some reason, this makes focusing easier.

For those of you who may be bedridden or have limited space, a good bed-desk is absolutely just as acceptable (I am actually planning to get one).

If you have a space separate from your bedroom, the follow applies as well:

Eliminate as much distraction as possible from your desk. Your experience of distraction is unique so do what you gotta do to eliminate it.

Make sure your space is well lit. Background light is essential to avoid eyestrain when staring at a screen.

Your chair should be comfortable, and support your back. Scoot your ass all the way to the back of the chair and try sitting on your thighs as much as possible to take strain off your lower spine (my chiropractor told me this).

The Writing Time:

You need to make time for your writing. Summer means the sunshine is waking me up at 5:45 AM and it’s too hot to doze comfortably so my ass is up and writing or reading until 7 AM when I gotta start getting reading for the day. If I have to catch the 10:15 AM bus, I’ve for about 4 hours to work with between waking up and leaving.

I finished July 2019 Camp Nano by writing in the morning. And I’m not even a morning person, I swear.

Make time for you writing. If you can make a routine you can stick to, excellent, if you have a handful of 5-10 minute time-pockets— also okay! The 30 minutes your dinner is in the oven is just as good a time to write as any other.

How do you learn how to write in tiny time pockets, you ask, well here it is: Micro Writing Sprints and Macro Writing Sprints. The former applies to pockets of time under 15 mins, while the latter applies to pockets of time over 20 mins. All you have to do is set a timer and challenge yourself to write as much as you possibly can.

Another thing to keep in mind is knowing your personal limits. If your attention suffers and you start to wander after 15 mins, keep your sprints to 5-10 minute blocks, and give yourself 5-15 min breaks where you get up, drink some water, move your body and then come back to your writing.

How to Write More, Faster

You have to kill your inner editor. Or at least subdue them. You can fix a typo or whatever but that’s really it. The idea is that you need to allow yourself to get into a mindset where you’re only focusing on the writing, your prose is allowed to be a mess. Insecurity and doubt have no place here, only writing.

Your first draft doesn’t need to be clean. You get to clean it up when it’s done. Stephen King says you write your first draft with the door closed, and the second with the door open, and I like that saying a lot. The revision process is actually way more fun than I thought it would be. I get to make fun of myself for my weird writing quirks— every single one of my “most common errors” in my Grammarly report is about misusing commas!— and restructure and improve upon the foundation I laid with the first draft.

If you come up with something that changes something significant to your story, write a note about it, and then continue on with your draft like it’s been that way the whole ass time. Do not go back and change things. Just keep writing.

Learning how to do Writing Sprints allows you to quickly get into the habit of putting everything down as fast as you can without overthinking it. Because the real thinking is for later, when you’re revising. Essentially these Sprints enable you to get into the writing zone much faster, so feasibly you could write in small time-pockets at the bus stop, in a waiting room, on the bus—anywhere.

Outlining will make you write faster.

Yes I am pro-outlining, please don’t click away because of that, because I also still think that you need to use what works for you, and if you’re reading this something isn’t working, so please keep your mind open.

The very least you should try is preparing or pre-planning what you need to write for your writing session (no matter how short). You will write more and faster this way. Most of all, you will be less likely to “wander” around.

I wrote out a small fragment-filled paragraph of what needed to happen in the first few scenes of my July 2019 Camp Nano project and got them out more easily and faster compared to when I didn’t. I wrote sustainedly in 30 minute time-pockets with a great deal of focus when I prepared my writing before actually writing.

Your WIP Outline

What if your outline was also actually super connected to your character sheets? Libbie Hawker makes this sound so easy in her book “Take Off Your Pants” in which she broke down some very interesting ideas on how to build your characters and your story that I hadn’t previously considered.

What I ended up with was something like this:

CHARACTER NAME Character: write down the basics; age, career, small relevant facts Flaw: what problem do they have that hinders them External goal: the thing they want that they can’t get unless they overcome their ‘flaw’ Ally: who pushes the character toward their goal when they stray Antagonist: who has same or aligned goal, but with different motives and execution Events:

Opening scene

Inciting event

Character realizes external goal

Display of flaw

Drive for goal

Antagonist reveal

Thwart 01

Revisiting flaw

New drive for goal

Antagonist attacks

Thwart 02

Changed goal

Ally intervention

Renewed Focus

Battle

Death

Outcome

End: success or failure or neutral result with regards to overcoming ‘flaw’

The stuff under the “Events” category is stuff everyone has seen before in narrative charts, and it won’t be the last time you see it either. You can use or discard or repeat them however many times you need to. I still think this plot chart that I made it great for figuring out pacing, so check that out if you need some help there.

You can also apply these to series, where the character’s “Flaw” and “External goal” change as the narrative progresses.

All of these parts are explained in Libbie Hawker’s book, but I’m happy to explain if you DM me!

I applied a central idea for my WIP “Hyacinth Stalks” and all the central characters share a common idea with regards to their flaws. Hawker recommends filling in this information for all central characters, and working in which events which characters will interact in.

The common idea is that my characters are “holding onto the past to feel more in control in the present”. Juliet Shain maintains habits of maintaining a “perfect athletic body” in the same way she did as a dancer five years earlier. She can’t exercise that same control over her mental health, which she struggles with, because of questions she has pertaining to the accident that lost her her leg remaining unanswered.

Juliet’s ultimate goal is closure about the accident, which she won’t be able to access unless she stops holding onto the past and in turn the idea that the accident “ruined” her.

I can apply the same things to Alana Murdock, another central character in “Hyacinth Stalks”, who, because she could only rely on herself after her sister’s murder while her parents grieved and her brother cut all contact, rejects her brother’s attempt to reconnect in order to protect herself in the present despite the stress of the upcoming 10th anniversary of the Hyacinth Killer’s disappearance. Her goal, would be to make it to the Olympic Volleyball team, which she won’t be able to do unless she stops isolating herself.

I can now approach the Events sections with more clarity because I know what the characters’ goals are and what their hindrances are as well. I can apply the same ideas to the other central characters, as well as the Serial Killer and weave their stories into the narrative as well. When you have a strong character arc, you can build a strong story.

When you can answer the questions about your character(s) you can fill in those Event sections with far more ease, and begin to break those sections down into chapters, scenes, or beats, with as much or as little detail as you want. Libbie Hawker’s method involves writing out paragraphs worth of scene details before actually getting to the writing. She says this isn’t necessary, but that for her it eliminates “wandering” and any doubts about what needs to be put on the page.

Personally speaking, I lie somewhere in the middle, wherein my scene outlines involve small paragraph or bullet points for what needs to happen.

Hawker has written books in 21 days, so there is definitely some magic in her method. In her book, Hawker details that creating her outline took 4 hours. When I outlined “But a Monster” it took a week (5 days), and despite not having had her method then, the existence of the outline made writing the novel much clearer and focused, which my writing had not been prior to admitting I needed to give outlining a chance.

All writing advice is a tree of wisdom

Take what benefits you most and leave the rest.

I have fully taken the advice that I have attempted to explain here. I read in “5000 Words Per Hour” by Chris Fox and “Take Off Your Pants” by Libbie Hawker and felt incredibly inspired and motivated, but some of what they say or eschue doesn’t resonate with me or my craft. I have to do what works for my writing, and if I’m happy with the pace the work is going at then alright!

What I’ve written here is meant to give you new ideas on how to be more productive. I read the books that helped me come up with this because I felt like something was lacking in my writing routine and I had my eyes opened. I hope I have opened yours too and that your work benefits from this.

#outlining #writeblr #am writing #writing community #long post.#my resources.#resources.

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mandysimo13 · 4 years

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2020 has been a helluva year

I know it’s not technically new year’s yet but since it’s on my mind, let’s do a year in review.

This year has been so fucking disorienting, in so many ways, and it’s hard to believe anything is real. Every other day there’s new outrage, new disgust, new triumphs, new joys, new fears, new ways to cope with existence.

First we list the good from this year.

My two best friends welcomed brand new daughters into the world. I was lucky enough to spend two weeks with one of them, helping her out since her in-laws are too compromised to help and her own mother is gone. I got to see my brand new niece have her first few experiences in life, hang out with dogs, and spend lots of time with my sister-from-another-mister.

I got engaged to an amazing partner who is everything I’ve wanted in a spouse. He’s sweet and funny and makes me want to be a better person and work hard towards my goals. He’s the most supportive of my new career path and while he’s not always super interested in what I’m researching, he’s always willing to listen to me info dump when I get excited. He lets me help him and kick him in the ass when he needs it, lets me hold him when he needs it, and I never feel unloved or unwanted with him. Not to mention, the sex is really good, too, lol

I’ve started working on a new career path and trying to make history my job. I’ve been doing lectures on niche history and working towards making it a legitimate job and a legitimate company. I’ve been gaining a following and legitimacy as I make networking connections and getting my foot in doors that will open up opportunities for me.

I have not lost anyone very close to me during this pandemic, even if a couple have gotten sick or injured. I did lose an uncle to covid, though he was 90 and was already in declining health. The other people who have caught it have so far managed to recover and haven’t had any obvious long lasting problems (yet *knock on wood*)

I got on anxiety and depression medication this year and it has made all the difference this year; not only with the every day stuff but with some of the pandemic craziness. I honestly don’t know how I would be doing, mentally and emotionally, without it. I am very very very grateful for my meds, despite the very few side effects I’ve had.

Now for the bad

Every day there is something new and awful to be had. Whether it’s US politics continually shitting on struggling americans or murder hornets or natural disasters or covid deniers or police brutality or fear mongers or throw a dart at this bingo card from hell year we’ve had. It’s all been fucked up and Too Much™

The isolating and social distancing, while absolutely necessary, has been exhausting and terrifying, and it’s been rough. I’m an extrovert. I thrive around people. I miss crowds. I miss walking around through stores without freaking out about distance. I miss being able to give hugs to people other than the people I live with. I miss traveling, which was my previous job, and the students I used to expose to the world. I miss being able to actually be part of the world.

I’ve been fairly lucky that my closest friends have kept small bubbles so we’ve been able to hang out from time to time but nowhere near as often as I need in order to feel balanced. I miss my historian happy hours. I miss movie theaters. I’ve been to a few restaurants since they’ve opened but it’s definitely not the same and I feel bad for everyone (including myself) caught between having to go out and make a living and staying home and staying safe because this country’s “social safety nets” are a fucking joke.

And speaking of those safety nets, I’m on unemployment. For the first time in my working life I’m cashing in those tax dollars and all I’m entitled to is $450 a month. Thank fucking god I live with family and don’t need to pay rent. Thank fuck that my dad pays for our internet and majority of our food. Because aside from a few donations for my services every month, I **just** have enough to cover my few bills. This has been my poorest fucking year and you know what the kicker is?

It was supposed to be my most profitable. This was supposed to be my busiest year for tour work since I got into the business. I missed out on so much money, so many work experiences, so many opportunities because of this fucking plague. And because our government couldn’t get their shit together. Because people fucking suck and they’re selfish and they decided their convenience was more important than safety. And those people are still fucking denying its “that big a deal” and denying the need for a vaccine. I’m so tired of hearing people say that covid is a hoax or overblown or whatever the fuck. I’m tired.

In lieu of being around people, like most of you, I’ve taken to being on social media more. More zoom calls, more video chats, more messenger chats, and more facebook groups. And what I’ve found is that living almost entirely on the internet is doing something fucking awful to us: we’re forgetting there’s real people on the other side of the screen. We’re forgetting that humans are complicated beings, both capable of goodness and shittiness and we’re focusing too much on the bad because it is often louder than the good. I’ve seen so much infighting and gatekeeping and nastiness between people who are supposedly “on the same side” in every group from political to fucking memes. Like. It’s ridiculous and tiresome and it makes me want to clunk heads together. Or leave earth for awhile.

Just. All in all, this year has been hard. There have been highlights but for the most part everything is so heavy and dark and I feel like as a society nothing is actually getting better. I don’t have a lot of hope for 2021. I am not encouraged by what I’ve seen this year and how people insist on behaving and treating each other. I fear that 2021 is going to be worse before it gets better.

But hey. At least Biden won (don’t get me started, he was not my first choice) and I get to marry the love of my life in October next year.

And, if we’re really lucky, we’ll be able to celebrate with our friends.

Here’s to 2021, hopefully you’re not a giant suck salad.

#personal #my life #2020 fucking sucked #year in review #tldr highlights and lowlights of the year

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zen-garden-gnome · 4 years

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REALLY investigating the debate over vaccines (from a lay-person’s perspective).

I want to unravel some things about the vaccination debate, following days of research into the matter. It wasn’t enough for me to know how I felt, already. I didn’t think my personal relationships had to suffer maximally in order for me to live honestly. So I decided to dig in and make myself more knowledgeable, and to let myself empathize with more people. There was so much to cipher through and it took so much time that I had to take notes to help keep things connected. The process reminded me that the internet is not as easily traversed for all its users, and that in the end, the “vibe” one picks up decides a lot of what we’re willing to follow any deeper (particularly, whether or not we even notice a “vibe” in the first place). Zooming way out also reminded me of just how many “entry points” there are for this subject, and helped me empathize with a lot of people. It turns out, “anti-vaxxer” is a term applied to people across a pretty wide range of subtly differing perspectives. I think we can all agree that the despair and disgust and distrust the world is experiencing won’t improve if we can’t get our attention back, ‘cause that’s largely what this is about. We are inundated with so much manipulative information that we struggle to steer our attention toward the core values that we mostly share, which takes us further and further away from each other’s realities. We know less and less about each other but think we know so much more because we’re surrounded by manipulative/self-preserving chatter.

I wanted to cut through the noise and show where some things connect, and where some others only appear to. For anyone who knows there’s a lot going on but doesn’t know where to begin approaching it. For anyone who feels on the fence in any way. For anyone who feels isolated by their view of the circumstances. For anyone who struggles to understand why so-and-so would think such-and-such. For anyone who thinks they already know. For anyone with even a passing curiosity. And of course, for myself. I’ve worked to collect and organize this for all and anyone. I do my best to stay objective without pretending I don’t have my own opinions. My research wound up focusing on a few key people and their research, the theories that have arisen, the science used to address them, and the demographics who are the most moved by it all. This is an entire research paper and I had no idea it would go this far when I started.

Judy Mikovits is a former medical researcher and current anti-vaccination advocate. She has some valid criticisms of how the US government handled the release of treatments for HIV and for the poor ways people treat their immune systems. She claims in her book (and in a viral video that recently hit the internet at the kick-off of the COVID-19 pandemic in the US) that Anthony Fauci barred her from continuing her research at the National Institute of Health (he denies this). She refers to the COVID-19 pandemic in quotes ("pandemic"), refuses to wear face masks, and discourages others from doing so because she thinks that taking care of one’s own immune system and cleanliness is all she should need to do, by her own words. Vaccines (and just temporarily breathing in more of one’s own carbon dioxide) aren’t worth the risk, she says. Mikovits has spoken at numerous anti-vaccination events and her retracted papers are frequently referenced in their propaganda (and there’s no denying it’s propaganda).

When she was a virologist and medical researcher, Judy started working to uncover viral causes of diseases when she was hired by a couple whose child had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and wanted to find the cause. The work she published in Science magazine about proposed retro-viral causes of CFS in 2009 was retracted when peers from 9 separate labs failed to get the same results and negated her findings (and when two of her co-authors reported that their patient samples had been contaminated by the virus in the lab, as opposed to the virus already being in the samples). Two years later she was fired from her job over the quality of her work and control of her lab samples, which seems relevant considering the apparent reason why her 2009 results were supposedly wrong. She was arrested and tried for stealing lab equipment and documentation when she left. She returned some of the lab notes and the criminal charges were dismissed.

Judy continues to reference her outdated research to this day (the research about specific retroviruses causing some specific diseases). Now she’s using her debunked data to fire up her main argument: that up to 30% of modern vaccines are “contaminated” with retroviruses and the government is trying to cover up a dangerous problem with its vaccines, putting everyone at risk (especially young children who get a large host of vaccines in a relatively short period of time).

This was where I knew I had to learn more about how viruses and vaccines interact with our bodies. A retrovirus is commonly called an RNA virus, which is a virus that uses a host cell to replicate its viral RNA as DNA. This is the opposite of what DNA viruses do, which is to use the host cell to replicate their DNA as RNA. An RNA/retro-virus also has a type of enzyme that allows it to insert its new DNA into the host cell’s DNA. This altered genetic information can lead to increased erroneous cell production, which increases the likelihood of developing cancer and other diseases depending on where the viral DNA is injected into a host cell’s DNA. Whatever gene is changed may cease to function, leading to disease. For example, HIV is a retrovirus that results in a syndrome that makes one prone to all kinds of diseases.

As it turns out, some vaccines do contain retroviruses! And it also turns out that that’s ok. Sometimes that’s part of the genetic material virologists are working with. Some of our vaccines are only possible with that genetic material. The presence of a retrovirus doesn’t necessary do anything to the vaccine. The vaccinations don’t infect patients with retroviruses because the retroviruses found in the vaccine are non-infectious. It’s an extremely important part of how a good vaccine functions. Viruses can cause diseases, but vaccines don’t contain live infectious material. That’s why there were no reported issues with retroviral infection by our vaccine safety systems (systems that exist because vaccines have never been perfect and always have some potential for side effects, so their risk factors are studied thoroughly). When the technology was available to investigate the retroviruses previously unknown to have existed in the MMR vaccine, they were confirmed to be non-hazardous.

Mikovits is clearly a knowledgeable professional in her field and has some valid opinions/points about health, medicine, and federal failures. But her identity seems to be wrapped up with the debunked research that changed her career, and no professional knows everything, even in their field. The wrongness isn’t my concern. It’s what she’s doing with it, and the fact that she’s ignoring the research negating her old findings.

Kent Heckenlively is the co-author of Judy's new book, and an anti-vaccination activist. The fact that he's also a lawyer really stands out to me. The founders of the Westboro Baptist Church (the "God Hates F*gs" group) are ex-lawyers who use their offensive protests to rile people up and then sue them for "hindering their rights." It's how they make their money. Anyway, Kent is co-founder of a group called Age of Autism, which claims to be dedicated to helping kids and families with autism. But as you can probably tell by the name of the group, they're much more concerned with the fact that they perceive a dangerous uptick in autism statistics (an issue that’s related much more to the evolving access and categorization of statistics and disorders than anything else). Age of Autism doesn’t actually tend to involve people on the autism spectrum in their work (other than to use them as examples), and their focus is not on helping (or even understanding) those with autism, but on getting rid of autism--as if the spectrum of conditions related to autism was a single “disease,” and as if it’s unacceptable that people exist with those conditions (more on that later).

As autism has increasingly become a recognized "condition," it's diagnosis has become more common, and because it's really only diagnosed based on social behavior, it may go unnoticed prior to ~18 months, if it’s noticed at all. Many more people live "on the spectrum" than we ever know (did you know Sir Anthony Hopkins is also on the spectrum?), and before it was more widely recognized, we had all kinds of names (and institutions) for people living with more severe effects. Kent's daughter was diagnosed with autism at around the age that she got some of her vaccines, which led the distraught father to believe it was vaccine related. Sometimes people do have mild reactions to vaccines (nothing’s perfect), and I can understand parents being scared and hurt for their children. I can also understand questioning various authorities. We know good and well that governments use poisons (Agent Orange in Vietnam), diseases (smallpox in the colonies, syphilis at Tuskegee), and vaccines as playing cards in their efforts to control people/power (we saw it again when Trump tried to get exclusive rights to the Coronavirus vaccine being researched in Germany). But lots of people see “Thing 1 Happens, Thing 2 Happens After, Which Must Mean Thing 1 Caused Thing 2.” Unsurprisingly, people can develop identities that revolve around getting rid of the "disease" of autism.

But Autism is not a disease. Autism is an umbrella term for a range of neuro divergences (to be diagnosed you have to hit like... 4 out of a possible 15 some-odd behavioral checkmarks), and issues like those relate to aaaallll sorts of things. Things that people with autism talk about often. If anti-vaccination organizations actually advocated for people with autism, they’d let people with autism advocate for themselves. Because people with autism do self-advocate, and they take umbrage with groups like Autism Speaks and Age of Autism. People on the autism spectrum often have lots to say about the agendas of these groups and the resources that are taken from the those who actually need them. From the Autistic Self Advocacy Network: “While no link exists between autism and vaccines, of greater concern is the willingness of those who promote this theory to suggest that exposing children to deadly diseases would be a better outcome than an autistic child. Vaccinations do not cause autism – but the use of autism as a means of scaring parents from safeguarding their children from life-threatening illness demonstrates the depths of prejudice and fear that still surrounds our disability. Autism is not caused by vaccines – and Autistic Americans deserve better than a political rhetoric that suggests that we would be better off dead than disabled.”

Folks on the spectrum sometimes have lots to say about the toxic living conditions of their childhoods, too. About neglect and abuse and trauma. It’s important to keep in mind that the behavioral issues tied to autism are also the behavioral conditions often tied to things like PTSD and ADHD, both of which relate to life events/patterns. As a teacher, I’ve learned a lot about the links between developmental/behavioral problems and the (dis)ability of parents to respond to their children based on their children’s needs (rather than primarily on the parent’s own traumas). For young children, especially with any kind of special need (a very broad term), simply navigating through a world that’s inflexible with their needs can be traumatic. Our environmental conditions can even effect how our genes are expressed over time (literally, sometimes time IS the trigger for gene expression). Everything is born out of its environment—out of our food, our water, our sense of security, our parents’ genes, everything.

Which brings me to one of the biggest stories in the vaccination debate: that of Hannah Poling. I bring this up because this is the one I was most familiar with, and the one I empathized with the most--particularly because there was a court case related to it. When she was 19 months old, she received 5 vaccines, and two days later her parents reported new behavior—lethargy, irritation, and fever. Months later, she was diagnosed with mitochondrial enzyme deficit (MED), which means the conditions she displayed were also contained within the autism spectrum. Her parents successfully sued for compensation under the Vaccine Injury Compensation Plan, a program started by the federal government to address public concerns of vaccine safety in light of the noise raised by anti-vaccination groups in the 80s. However, MED is an autosomal recessive disease, which means both of Hannah’s parents had to carry the gene in order for her to get it. She already had it, and either it hadn’t expressed itself yet, or her parents hadn’t noticed (or reported) the symptoms so early in her development. Indeed, the Poling case only claimed that her vaccines exacerbated her symptoms, but this raises 4 important points: 1) There’s no evidence that this is possible, and not because “no one’s looked.” 2) We should really think critically about whether or not we should withhold treatment for diseases like smallbox and whooping cough under the unfounded notion that some vaccines may exacerbate existing conditions, 3) under-reported is the fact that Hannah presented other immunological challenges prior to her vaccinations, and 4) despite a popular claim made by anti-vaccination groups, there’s actually no evidence that multiple simultaneous vaccines can overwhelm an immune system.

That last one was really important to me, because I had read years ago that a child’s immune system was potentially too underdeveloped to handle so many vaccinations. The notion seemed logical enough, and I felt awful for parents who had these real fears. But it turns out, the immune system of an infant has the potential capacity to respond to thousands of vaccines simultaneously. It has to! Babies are RAW, lol. And it turns out, medical researchers can be pretty damn thorough, so they knew this well before they were delivering grouped vaccines to toddlers. And while the number of vaccines given to children has increased, they contain even fewer antigens than they used to thanks to medical improvements.

But I have another name. Andrew Wakefield was stripped of his medical license in Britain and came to America, where he became a prominent anti-vaccination activist. He published findings in Britain in the mid 90s that claimed that measles (and “therefore” its vaccine) caused Crohn's disease, but peer research failed to repeat his findings and his claims were subsequently debunked. After shifting his focus to the measles vaccine and autism, he wound up leaving the school of medicine where he worked (under “mutual agreement” at the school's request), because he repeatedly refused to re-attempt the research which had formed the basis of his initial claims. Andrew moved to America to continue pushing his theory that measles and its vaccine caused autism, despite already admitting that it was "not proved." He's barred from practicing medicine in the UK and is not licensed in the US.

I bring up Wakefield because the fuss he raised lead scientists and doctors to look into these claims. It makes sense for these potential issues to matter to the medical community, after all. All resulting work refuted any connections between autism and these vaccines. Luckily, this work also looked into some other claims about vaccines, too, such as the concern that mercury in vaccines could cause autism or other conditions. Ethylmercury is used in the preservative thimerosal, which prevents bacterial growth in vaccines. Methylmercury (the mercury found in fish) can be highly toxic to people, while ethylmercury clears more quickly from the body--so quickly that the small quantities used in vaccines don't have time to build up or cause any problems, other than the possibility of a red rash at the injection site (and the fact that, inevitably, some people are allergic to it). However, given the rising concern in the late 90's and gradual improvements in medical science, the use of ethylmercury in vaccines was reduced in 2001, and for childhood vaccines was completely eliminated. Despite this, it remains a popular concern.

There are so many other people and cases and theories, but these seemed to be the big ones.

...But there’s one more variable I need to dissect: The general focus on eradicating autism, as opposed to supporting the autistic. Parents and their supporters are trying to find the right thing to do. It’s their earnest desire to overcome the problems they’ve been led to see, and their energy is being funneled away from them and used against all our best interests. (Perhaps it’s worth considering, too, where everyone else’s energy is being funneled these days…) For me, this is the variable that’s hardest to talk about, because it asks people to look at their own shadows with acceptance and forgiveness.

The development/behaviors of people on the spectrum aren’t necessarily “wrong,” but we’re subtly and explicitly told to see them this way. Many of these behaviors/developments are very natural responses to toxic/inhumane social and environmental conditions and expectations (some of them are even specifically considered evolutionary pros, traits that help people survive these environs), albeit at times difficult to interact with and other times self-destructive. Everything has extremes. And between environments and genetics, parents aren’t always able to recognize the myriad little things that might contribute to developmental and/or behavioral issues. Since so many of these things lie on the autistic spectrum, “autism” becomes a target in and of itself. Parents may see their children as victims of a toxic world, and they may see themselves as strong shoulders under (secretly) unwanted circumstances. Many parents also feel that “no good parent would ever feel that way, so I don’t either.” This kind of inner conflict is incredibly difficult for people to deal with, but the truth is, conflicting thoughts and emotions are perfectly normal. Emotions are valid and thoughts don’t define us. Both are fleeting. Feeling like we’re not “allowed” to feel conflicted makes us feel guilty/bitter/both. (Tested by God” and “blessed by God” have the same ring, sometimes.)

Some parents also experience guilt/bitterness over the possibility of being part of the environmental/genetic (especially genetic) circumstances that contributed to a child’s disorders. Or, guilt over having been unable to bring them into an accepting or supportive society. Plus the guilt over being sometimes unhappy with the resulting circumstances of one’s life. Guilt. Frustration. Bitterness. Sour grapes. Saving someone else from this “burden” and future children from sharing in this “unacceptable” situation becomes a righteous cause. Furthermore, in finding the person/thing to blame, they’d finally be allowed to express all that despair and frustration. The emotional attachment and roiling undercurrent is very attractive to manipulative individuals. I see it happen a lot, and I see people with autism talking about it. My heart truly aches for everyone going through this. But none of this helps the person on the spectrum. Nor does it help the well-meaning parent.

Maybe parents and supporters wouldn’t be so desperate about and fearful of autism (and vaccines) if having a child with special needs wasn’t so isolating. Maybe if our communities, institutions, and organizations focused on empowering and supporting the vulnerable, on creating equity where ever possible, autism wouldn’t be so overwhelming and wouldn’t even be as common. Maybe if we responded to people on the autism spectrum (and everyone else) as they are, instead of how we want/expect them to be, then the whole situation would change entirely.

In my research and personal interactions, the common thread among those who question the overall value and trustworthiness of vaccines is that of a “dark world” full of “bad people.” Things are so dark, apparently, that the global medical and scientific community is less trustworthy than the few who disagree with it on this particular issue. Is it any wonder? Our culture is exploitative and manipulative, and lays out a set of requirements for human value that even the neurotypical struggle to meet. We all hurt! We’re all wary! And of course we are!

But it turns out, much of the darkness we see in the world relates to what we’re looking for (or at the very least, what we’re trained to look for). In an age of endless, algorithmically-driven “information,” it’s very difficult for many folks to navigate, discern, and prioritize--especially when it’s a personal issue, making it easy to exploit our emotions. The machine keeps us fearful and hungry and separate, but perhaps we shouldn’t despair over that. After all, the active effort to keep us fearful and separate reflects our underlying nature to work together, to connect, and to grow.

Researching all this was complicated. Lots dead-ends, seemingly believable stories from once-trusted professionals, self-referential content, emotionally manipulative content, questionable authorities (authority is always questionable), and a shit-ton of complicated medical research. This is the amount of research it took for me to pick through everything. It’s no joke.

And that brings me back to the present. To the stuff happening right now. Areas surrounding anti-vaccination communities are seeing a drastic rise in diseases that had been long gone before the anti-vaccination craze. Not everyone is equally susceptible to pathogens, and our willingness to receive imperfect but well-researched vaccines is about everyone else in all communities, not just ourselves. No matter what anyone chooses to believe about the “source” of COVID-19, it’s disabling and deadly and highly contagious, and just because it may not be highly visible in someone’s community doesn’t mean it’s not ravaging other communities. As for uncertainty over the Coronavirus being “real,” if a person is only willing to believe resources calling for them to be angry and afraid and suspicious of everyone else, it seems to me that one would have to investigate their own worldview, along with one’s view of themselves and their own shadows. If one sees the world as inherently bad and humans as inherently fucked, that relates to how one feels about oneself and an incomplete notion of the lives of other people. That is the perspective of a traumatized person. Self isolation is deadly, so we ought to be wary of things that seek to isolate us. These self-isolating notions are fed back to us by the algorithms guiding our internet activity, keeping our behaviors predictable and controllable. We keep clicking and returning, fed by a sense of tragic righteousness, by the same programs designed to keep people coming back to slot machines. The internet is not a neutral entity because it functions in a capitalist, undemocratic state. It must be used carefully. The book Team Human by Douglas Rushkoff highlights the nature of these algorithms and the systems which use them. But more importantly, it also highlights the things about humans that make us lovable and forgivable. The things that make it possible to manipulate us in the first place. There’s a lot of wild shit going on, but it’s not happening because “humans are bad.” It’s happening because we live in an age forcibly ruled by the most self destructive culture/ideology on the planet. It’s the ideas, not the species. That means we have work to do. Inner work.

Sources:

https://speakingofresearch.com/2019/04/24/celebrating-world-vaccination-week-pt-3-the-post-wakefield-fallout/

https://www.pennlive.com/nation-world/2020/05/who-is-judy-mikovits-and-what-does-she-have-to-do-with-anthony-fauci-and-the-coronavirus.html

https://vaxopedia.org/2018/12/29/are-vaccines-contaminated-with-retroviruses/

https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/nejmp0802904

https://autisticadvocacy.org/2015/09/asan-statement-on-gop-primary-debate-comments-on-autism-and-vaccination/

https://autisticadvocacy.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/First-Hand-Perspectives-on-Behavioral-Interventions-for-Autistic-People-and-People-with-other-Developmental-Disabilities.pdf

https://sciencing.com/differentiating-rna-dna-viruses-4853.html

https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2020/03/a-fake-pandemic-antivaxxers-are-spreading-coronavirus-conspiracy-theories/

https://www.thechildren.com/health-info/conditions-and-illnesses/q-vaccine-safer-getting-real-disease

Also so much Wikipedia.

#health #vaccines #empathy #autism #virus #society #zgg

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meditationsfromthethirdrail · 4 years

Text

Polarization

There is a widespread perception that the U.S. has become as polarized, politically, as it has ever been. A careful consideration of America history suggests that’s not actually true, but I understand the sentiment and I often feel it myself. Being retired provides me with an inordinate amount of time to ponder this problem and to try to make sense of it. It’s become something of an obsession.

I like to mix it up a bit in social media - primarily Facebook - with persons opining on various social ills and political agendas and especially those blindly sharing fact-challenged propaganda, both from the left and right. I’ve stayed away from Twitter, which by design strictly prohibits posts from being long enough to contain meaningful reasoning. I like to save Instagram for pretty photos of flowers and birds and vacations. But Facebook seems a reasonable forum with enough content flexibility to present ideas with some depth to them. Social problems are inherently complex and nuanced, as evidenced by the fact that most of those problems have persisted, in one form or another, throughout human history. Individually and collectively we often find ourselves in situations where there is no perfect, right answer or solution - certainly not one that can be summarized in a tweet.

Our response to dealing with COVID-19 is a good example. There are enormous difficulties, economic and otherwise, with isolating ourselves from one another, and another set of bad outcomes resulting from not doing that. The tendency, it seems, judging by most of the dialogue we see in social media (and most other media) posts and comments, is for people to take ideological positions, cherry-pick supporting facts (or worse, supporting falsehoods), and promote extreme positions. By “extreme” I mean positions that ignore the truths that are quite often inherent in opposing positions. Again using the debate over proper responses to the COVID-19 pandemic as an example, most people who originate or share political posts on Facebook seem either to be solidly of the opinion that isolation, shut-downs, masks, etc. are good policy, or they’re of the view that all those measures are counterproductive or even unAmerican.

Most people instinctively understand that neither of those views is exclusively correct, but people who are in the middle tend not to weigh in as often, perhaps because their confusion about the solution makes them feel that they don’t have anything meaningful to say. I think those voices should be heard much more often than they are. I feel like I have one of those voices, and that’s why I feel a responsibility to try to make myself heard.

Following is my approach to analyzing sociopolitical issues - that is, issues that can be addressed, at least in part, through government action or some other form of collective action by citizens working towards a common goal. First, I try to understand whether and how the issue can or should be addressed by the government. That question is itself a polarizing one. Conservative ideology contains mistrust of government, especially Federal government, whereas liberal ideology contains high expectations that the government should intervene to address most social ills. Neither of those views is inherently correct. One of the the biggest challenges politicians face, when they’re focused on “doing the right thing” and not just getting elected, is deciding what the best role of government ought to be in tackling specific issues. It should be obvious that the government is not the right institution to deal with some issues (the establishment of religion, for example) but it is the right institution to deal with some other issues (the defense of the nation against an outside military force, for example).

When I attempt to discern the proper role of the government, I avoid starting with the ideological answer. Instead I try to look at it pragmatically. Why is (or is not) the government equipped to deal with the particular issue in question? Can government be effective? Can government be efficient? How will government fund its involvement? What other institutions can or should be involved? What’s the ultimate cost to society, economically and otherwise, to having the government more or less involved? The calculus involved to answer these questions is exceedingly complex; nevertheless that’s what politicians ought to spend their time debating, and their debate should always begin with a careful gathering and consideration of relevant facts, dismissing ideology in favor of rationality and consultation with experts to the fullest extent possible.

One time when I still had an active professional career, I was in Utah to give a presentation to the board of directors of a financial institution. One of the directors was a former U.S. senator from the state, and I happened to be seated next to him when the board convened for lunch. When he learned I resided in Pennsylvania, he asked me what I thought about the reelection chances for a well-known senator from my state who had recently switched his party affiliation. That led to a discussion about certain economic policies, during which the senator delivered the low-tax mantra familiar to anyone who has ever listened to a Republican politician for more than a few minutes. My response to him was that I had never understood why the White House, Congress and the Senate didn’t decide about the appropriate level of income taxes by first deciding a) how much does it cost the government to do the things that everyone agrees it needs to do, and b) what else is the government better equipped to do than is any other institution or group of individuals or companies, and how much does that cost? The answers to those questions, I opined, would inform the government about how much revenue it needs to raise. Cart before horse, as it were. I thought the senator would have a ready answer but he seemed not to have ever thought about it that way. Probably, I surmised, because he was more of an ideologue than a pragmatist. Reducing taxes is Republican dogma if anything is.

Let’s return to the issue of the proper size and scope of government, which is a major bone of contention between conservatives and liberals. I can think of numerous Republican friends whose belief that big government is wasteful, inefficient and disrespectful of individual liberty is perhaps the main driving force (among the forces that involve reason and not just culture, tradition and emotion) behind their party affiliation. A strong preference for low taxes is a closely correlated issue. I think it’s safe to say that almost everyone distrusts the government about some things if not many things. Liberals also believe that big government is a problem, just in different ways - for example, too much spending on the military. That’s a whole other issue in its own right and I don’t want to veer into a tangent here, but the point is that everyone wants limited government, and our Constitution is clearly designed to handcuff government overreach. Where should the lines be drawn, to the extent they aren’t clearly spelled out in the Constitution, as potentially amended?

First I want to say to my liberal friends, it is true that the government is often wasteful and inefficient, and not just in the area of military spending. Who hasn’t complained about long lines or call waiting times at government agencies? Who hasn’t been affected by some kind of government error or bureaucratic hassle? Who hasn’t heard tales of certain government employees and contractors being underworked and (seemingly) overpaid? When my father died and my mother required constant care because she was disabled by Alzheimer’s disease, I spent many, many hours dealing with the Veterans Administration to obtain certain benefits for her, so I know first-hand what a nightmare that can be. Because we experience these things, it’s easy for us to conclude that government is bad, or at best a necessary evil.

But I ask my conservative friends who are particularly inclined to seize on the flaws of government as a reason to dislike government generally, are the alternatives to government necessarily better? Many conservatives and libertarians contend that government ought to be run like a business. Indeed, I used to be a big proponent of that theory. Certainly if government were run like a business, it would be more likely to cut dead weight and strive for cost-effective delivery of services, because that’s how it would survive, fiscally. At some point in mid-life, I heard someone whom I respected say flatly that the role of government is not that of a business. I thought about that and realized my friend was correct.

A business operates not just to provide goods and services to its customers, but foremost to earn money for its owners and managers. That’s the basis of capitalist ideology (more about that in a later blog). The government operates (or should operate) in the interests of its citizens - all of them, or as many as possible. There is no profit motive. If social security, for example, were run as a business, the inevitable result would be that a relatively small group of people would take a sizeable chunk of our FICA taxes for themselves, and everyone else would either receive lower payments or they would pay higher taxes for the same benefits. That’s basically what insurance companies that sell annuities do - they take their cut first. I’m not being critical of insurance companies - annuities have a proper role in the personal finances of many people. But annuities are not affordable for many. The fact that our health care system is operated for profit to a much greater degree than are the health care systems of substantially all other developed nations is a primary reason why U.S. per capita health care costs are so much higher than those of substantially all other developed nations - about double the average, in fact. Again, health care is another polarizing issue, and properly the subject of a separate discussion.

Briefly, another example: let’s say a private enterprise, such as a mining company, turns an area of land into a toxic waste dump affecting water and air quality in the area. One necessary role of government, I would argue, is to prevent that from happening, but it does happen, primarily because of corruption, even if the corruption isn’t always obvious. There is usually no profit motive for anyone to clean up the toxic land and quite often the offending enterprise has conveniently gone out of business. So either the government steps in to repair the damage or we live with the negative consequences.

My point here is that although government has certain flaws, it’s the only prominent, powerful institution that’s designed to provide for the welfare of the people as a whole rather than just those who will profit from running it. Corruption (again, a separate subject for another discussion) is the rot inside government that facilitates the generation of profit for a few at the expense of everyone else, and that’s why it’s extremely important that corruption be rooted out at every possible turn. In a democracy, the act of voting for candidates who demonstrate disdain rather than tolerance for corruption is a critical function of voters. Beyond that, as I said before, we should task our politicians to debate the circumstances and conditions under which government is the best source to provide services to citizens that private enterprise will not or can not. Based on the consensus our elected officials reach, we should be prepared to pay taxes to fund what has been deemed necessary or healthy for the citizenry as a whole.

I believe in having as small and unobtrusive of a government as we can, so I guess that makes me a conservative. I also believe in having a government that provides necessary and appropriate services for the benefit of all citizens, to the extent possible, which I suppose makes me a liberal. The fact is that these labels just muddy the water and cause us to gravitate to extremes. We need to focus on uncovering the best ways to get things done for the benefit of all the people while providing ample incentive and reward to those who make the greatest sacrifices and contributions to getting them done. Those goals are not mutually exclusive - not at all. Indeed, balancing those goals, and the roles of government, private enterprise and charitable organizations in achieving those goals, is the ultimate challenge for those who make the laws of the land.

#polarizationpoliticsconservatismliberalismroleofgovernment

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migleefulmoments · 5 years

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I feel like we should go back and find their comments on how gorgeous Darren looked when he wore that "puke green" jacket. I'm sure they're out there somewhere. Funny how it's suddenly hideous bc Mia is wearing it.

I actually thought the same thing so when you wrote this I did go check Abby’s and Mleigh69′s blogs and nothing. No comments about his clothing at all. There were lots of the generic “he looks so sad...my heart is breaking” nonsense and this from Abby.

So I made a promise to myself recently to keep my blog focused on happy things and reasons why I believe in CrissColfer.

But today my heart is breaking and I needed to say something on the off chance that anybody that matters or has control might be listening. Because I feel like I am watching one of the people I admire most in the world being stripped of his soul and I don’t know how much longer I can continue to watch this train wreck. (wash-rinse-repeat) Before I go on, I realize I care way too much about a person I have literally spoken to twice, for maybe, if I include the conversation he had with my friend, 5 minutes in total. But I do. And the reason I care is that Darren has provided me with so much entertainment over the past 5 years and has continued to blow we away with his talent and truly believe, if allowed, the places he will go are limitless. (Oh, well as long as you think he’s limitless than please, speak up, bitch about what you don’t like about his life. He’s listening) And when I feel like his talent has been sidelined and his value as a commodity has become more important, not to mention getting press and PR for his beard, a person whose name would not be known if not for him, I become enraged. So since I woke up at 3 AM (She’s been waking up and checking tumblr since 2015) and made the mistake of checking Tumblr to see if he appeared, I have felt sad and angry. And no this anger is not directed at Darren, I still support him 100% and cannot imagine what it must be like to live his life, it is directed at the people controlling his life and playing games with it. (It’s never directed at Darren. She hates everything he does but it’s never his fault.)

And I want to say to the powers that be, that my voice matters and that I support him regardless of his sexuality. I buy tickets, I saw How to Succeed, A Starkid Show (where literally I was the oldest person without a child), Listen Up (2x), Hedwig (2x), Elsie, Gross Indecency and I have tickets to the Alan Cumming Show in February. Not to mention I have seen every episode of Glee despite the fact that it suffered so much creatively and forced myself to watch AHS to support him. So my voice should be heard just as loud and clear as the hand full of people who will not accept him for anything but straight. (Darren’s life is a choose-your-adventure game and fans get a say. also Abby watched all of glee AND AHS so she gets extra credit).

And last night was a complete and utter failure First, there was NO purpose for him being there (He attended a fundraiser...there was plenty of purpose for him being there) He was not an announced performer or presenter (People actually attend to give their support and money-I know, shocking). Therefore the sole purpose was to place him on a red carpet and once again, remind us that he has a girlfriend (UGH).

And then there was the interview, which could have been worse, but it certainly wasn’t good. Trevor is about youth advocacy, agreed, but about LGBT+ youth and I know Darren knows that and to diminish that is to take something away from the cause. And I know Darren is passionate about this cause. But I am certain he was briefed before the event on how to answer questions and to steer any conversation away that may even hint that he is anything but straight (which I believe completely, the evidence is there based on his words and actions).(What kind of weird dystopian world exists in your head Abby? Who in the world would “brief him” on what to say at an event? He’s a grown man..he decides what he wants to say).

But what is bothering me so much isn’t the charade. If I truly believed that this was what Darren wanted and needed and that it was good for his career, I would keep my mouth shut. B/c he is a 28 year man, and while I may not agree, he is entitled to make the decisions that he feels are best for himself and his career. (But what could he possible do to convince you? There is nothing because you rewrite, belittle, and deconstruct everything he does say to prove you wrong).

But instead, what we are watching is an utter and complete train wreck. We are watching a man, who has not had a project of value to focus on in over 2 months, being paraded from event to event. His eyes are utterly and completely lifeless and void. His smile has become so fake and sad. I don’t see how anyone who is watching this does not see how he is being destroyed. And yes, I know he has a private life, and I am thankful for that, but no matter how amazing that may be (and I agree with many who have said this over the past 12 hours, this is NOT about shipping) he is literally at an event 5 or 6 nights a week, pretending to be a person he is not, generally accompanied by a person I can tell he is not comfortable with.

So to me, last night, was a loss. The only thing that was accomplished is that once again, fans that are invested and truly care about him, have been isolated. (always about Abby. The event was a Trevor Live fundraiser- it wasn’t a loss).

And I do ask the question, why? I do believe the Darren we saw during Hedwig, was the true Darren as much as he can be while maintaining a public persona (including PR and bearding). This was a man thriving, who prouldy wore nail polish, was not afraid to participate in Pride and wear a sticker that said “God Mad Me Perfect” and to make the Col-Fur joke on a nightly basis.

I have to wonder if he was sent to Italy for7 weeks to distance himself from the Hedwig Darren to the Darren PR thinks they need to make money. B/c since his return, the bearding and the PR Darren has been non-stop and it is painful to watch. And it needs to stop.

Darren, I know you troll Tumblr and I know you read these things, I really hope you know that there are so many people who support and love and accept you. And maybe Hollywood is not the place for you right now, but I now Broadway would embrace you with open arms. And yes, I understand there is a contract. And I am not asking for you to reveal the truth or do anything that would be harmful or interfere with your personal life and relationships (regardless of who they are with). But there has to be a way that you can comply with the terms and conditions of that contract without causing serious damage to your mental health.

So I say, Bravo Ricky, Bravo PR, Bravo Fox, Bravo Ryan and Bravo Mia. I hope you are all happy that you are contributing to what I see as the destruction of an incredibly talented, beautiful soul.

Off my soap box, done with my rant, I will try to go back to keeping my blog drama free, but this needed to be said.

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villlaneve · 5 years

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Life Update (I need help)

Hey, everyone. I’m sorry I haven’t really been active on here for quite a while. I want to explain myself. Just making this post has taken me lots of time and courage to get myself to do it but here I am.I feel hesitant to share this, as I don’t want this to seem like a pity party and feel like I should have higher standards for myself and should be able to do this on my own. My therapist and others have told me to be kinder to myself and cut me some slack once in a while so here I am.

I felt guilty reblogging posts on Tumblr after not having the energy to do so in a while and I wasn’t caught up with the shows so I punished myself by saying I shouldn’t be able to reblog anything. I will try to stop this way of thinking and am happy to go back to my usual reblogging after this!

What’s the problem?

I’ve been suicidal and struggling with depression since I was 16. I am 23 now and feel like I haven’t really accomplished all that much even though my therapist tells me that fighting for mental health and the way I am doing it is progress as well. I can’t really work up any energy to get up out of bed everyday and when I do I feel empty and can’t get myself to do things I enjoy. I can’t remember the last time I was able to read a book. My attention span and concentration is basically non existent so I cannot even watch the few things I can’t get excited about. TV shows such as Killing Eve, Supergirl and other female centric shows are the few things I DO get excited over and can find the energy to enjoy. I follow the posts on tumblr about Supergirl but the last time I watched an episode was about 6 months ago so sometimes not even that excitement makes me able to focus and watch what I love. Focusing on anything feels nearly impossible.

You can imagine that applying this to every day situations it gets even worse. I’ve lost my job around October and have so much anxiety and fear about applying somewhere else. Trying to get into new hobbies that could motivate me to do anything like photography or making videos on youtube is impossible without the money and right equipment. I grew up and still live in a household where if something I do isn’t perfect then it’s bad and doesn’t matter at all. I apply it to every action I take and am trying to actively unlearn it but so far it isn’t working. When a task or opportunity appears all I think about is the possibility of failing and not being good enough so I end up scared and freezing up. I do nothing. I can’t apply for a job or a university/apprenticeship because of that fear and have been stuck in the past few years of my life.

Why don’t you get a job/degree?

I want to address my university education. University in Germany is quite different than in the US. You choose a major once you start university and that’s what you’re stuck with. I got scared after already taking a gap year right after high school and started studying something that ultimately I realized was not right for me. I convinced myself that I should just finish it and work hard and that it could be right for me. otherwise I would be a failure once again. I froze up and stayed in this path. Except eventually I stopped going to classes all together and became more and more depressed and desperate as I did not know what to do next. I don’t know who to ask for help and am scared to do it to begin with.

I finally worked up the courage to apply to a different major earlier this year. That opportunity fell through/I did not get the spot and now I am back to not knowing what to do. Starting another path and applying for spots even if I decide what to do is going to lead me to more freezing up and thus more complications. On top of all this there is another factor that’s weighing on me.

I am in a long distance relationship and have been since I was 18. This relationship gives me a lot of strength to go on and try fighting but at the same time it is another pressure and weight on top of everything. As my girlfriend lives in the US and her plan is for me to move there, originally I was supposed to be finished with my degree at this point.

Now I am still basically at 0 and cannot move to the US in the foreseeable future. I’ll have to finish a degree here for 3-4 years, find a way to see if my career path is even transferrable to the US. Speech therapy is an apprenticeship here; a german system that includes school and work experience at the same time and lets you start a career after finishing it; its an alternative to a university degree in a way. I feel like the pressure of tests, writing papers and failing at a university is too much for me too handle with my mental health anyway and the only universities that offer speech therapy as a university degree are private and cost money that I cannot afford!

We try to make things work and see eachother as often as possible but financially making a transatlantic flight work and having to pay for food, transportations etc everytime I am visiting her 1-2 times a year is getting way too much for me to pay for. Especially now that I do not have a job. Only having to do this for another year or two would have been fine but now it will be another few years before we can even think about me going there. Safe to say this is a hard situation and is putting a big strain on our relationship, financially and emotionally on both sides. Having to spend so many more years apart and not knowing how to afford to see eachother. My mental health is blocking me from finding a job to start alleviating the financial side of this at least and I am frozen in panic and fear.

Why don’t you get help? You can go to a hospital or clinic to treat this

I would like to add that on top of all this most of the friends I did have here are on a semester abroad or have moved out of the country all together. Despite that I am glad to have my family and the 1-2 people I see about once a month to give me comfort. It gives me a bit of levity and strength and I tried checking myself into a clinic to face my fears and mental health problems head on. However, they completely isolated me from any cellphone usage there and going outside at any time. Visitors were only allowed on weekends. I had no way of communicating with anyone aside over a landline and only in very limited time slots (that landline was broken for several days when I got there mind you). I had to scramble to somehow find a way to talk to my partner with her buying a skype international landline and even then most of our calls were spent with us trying to find a way of when we could talk the next time and being frustrated when things would not work on some days because of commitments. If there was a change of plans there was no way for me to call her and let her know something was up. Only she could call and it was anxiety inducing for both of us having no way to reach out to eachother. The people there all had their own issues and as a person who already worries about triggering other people being around very emotionally vulenrable people only and upsetting them (they told me all the things I had done wrong during a group therapy session) launched me into the worst panic attack of my life. No one checked up on me after in the clinic and I no longer felt it was the right or safe place for me and had to leave. Moreover, having a 1 days notice on when I’d get into the clinic They gave me no time to prepare for these new and extreme conditions (they called me and said I have to decide on the spot if I wanted to come in tomorrow, otherwise I couldnt come into the clinic until March next year).

I am thankful to be back in the little safety net of therapy, being in the city I love with cafes and parks that can somewhat relax me and calm me down and my cousin and aunts to support me. Unfortunately, my parents put me under pressure to “contribute” more in the household. I never know what “enough” is. Everday I get home and do chores I live in fear that it is not enough and will result in them yelling at me again claiming arbitrarily that what I did was not enough in their opinion. Things are tense to say the least. They want me to start something and get better with my mental health but never really offer to help me themselves and I feel lost and alone. Because of this treatment I always feel that nothing I do is good enough and I can’t/shouldn’t even try in the first place. I am never sure if the standards they set for me are too high or if I am just being whiny and weak or not good enough objectively?

What part of this is my mental health? am I just being lazy? are they right?

Here is the part I feel especially guilty about: Asking for help.

I wanted to accurately explain why and how I am struggling. I hope at least some of you can empathize and understand why this seemingly easy situation is so hard for me because of my family history and mental health.

Money doesn’t buy happiness but it does help alleviate certain financial problems. Being currently unable to get myself to get stable income I feel even more stuck and am struck with panic about how to visit my girlfriend at all.

What will you do when you have money? How will you spend it?

I am commited to fixing my mental health and will do weekly updates on what progress I’ve made. Therapy, looking into speech therapy paths, finding deals and dates for the cheapest possible flights to the US, hobbies like photography or making videos. Having people looking and validating the process makes me feel like I can do this and gives me a project to focus on. I just hope for your kindness to spare any money you have to contribute to bettering my current situation. If you want me to write anything for you, I am happy to just tell me which pairing and the general plot idea and if you want any specific things included. I’ll sincerely do my best.

Moreover, the money would truly be spent on what I need to get better and stabilize i.e. medication, plane tickets to see my girlfriend, equipment for filming/photography, semester fees and occasional mental health treats like going out to a warm cozy cafe to relax and not be faced with the constant stress and pressure at home (max. 15€ a week). I am happy to document these spendings for you.

As soon as my life has stablized enough and therapy or others around me have helped me to get back on my feet, get a stable income, etc you don’t need to feel an obligation to donate and I can take my posts down if necessary.

My PayPal is https://www.paypal.me/ninin96 and I am truly grateful for anything you are willing to give me or comission me.

Thank you for your time.

#personal #I am happy to add receipts/pictures etc of me being in a clinic #plane tickets etc #and ofc I would do this when planning all the updates and the thing on spendings #anything helps #this would literally save me so much stress/anxiety and help me work on myself #like I said I am happy to do comissions #I realize my writing in this is not up to par but it was because its basically my life story #and something that is still so raw and confusing to me

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musical-chick-13 · 5 years

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People talk a lot about how judgmental and patronizing people are to single people, how not being part of a romantic or sexual relationship doesn’t make you less than, that being single is a perfectly valid life choice, that people are tired of feeling like they have to be forced into relationships when they’d rather be romantically unattached.

But what happens when you’re single but still want to be in a relationship? When you are trying and wish to date someone, but just can’t find anyone.

I don’t really see anyone talking about that. So, since this is what I do with my blog regarding any topic no one else has written about the way I want, I’m going to.

Sometimes, the feeling of being alone really sucks. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge introvert, and I LOVE reading alone in my room at 2am and coming home from rehearsal, making tea, and locking my door, never to speak to another human until I have to do my job the next day.

But sometimes, I want someone to hold me, to kiss me, to go on dates with me and tell me I’m beautiful and loved and who gets me in a way no one else does. It’s not for lack of trying. I crush hard and relatively frequently, and it’s always been on good, reliable, single people I’m compatible with. And I have always made a habit to tell whomever I’m interested in that I have feelings for them (barring a few exceptions, like if said person gets into a new relationship before I have the chance to say anything). I’ve given the “nice guys” a chance because they were there and, well, even if I didn’t like them, I couldn’t find anything wrong with them. (Sidebar, you don’t actually owe anyone anything, you’re never under any obligation to go out with someone.) Dating websites really aren’t for me, though this revelation was achieved through a great deal of deliberate consideration. I meet a lot of different people of various opinions, life experiences, and sexualities through theatre, which is my job, but there still hasn’t been...well, anyone.

It’s not my fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. Circumstances have just not lined up. It isn’t because I’m overly selfish or incompetent or too jealous or not talented enough or because people suck or are shallow and no one could ever find me attractive. A romantic relationship, as much as I want one, has simply never happened. And I would love, and I mean LOVE, to believe that isn’t a reflection on me, that it doesn’t mean anything, that it doesn’t affect my life in any significant way, but...well, it does.

Because on one side, I have all the people telling me that wanting to be paired up is buying into an idealized version of love, and that I am a so-called “bad feminist” for wanting to be in a romantic relationship, instead of being singularly focused on my career or friends. That wanting love outside of myself makes me weak or buys into the patriarchy or is a sign that I have been brainwashed by society and its archaic views.

And then I have the other side that gives me a pitiful look, an insincere and patronizing “Well, you’re still rather young, you’ll find someone,” a glare of poorly-disguised judgment. There is a subtle but distinct divide put up between them and me, the people who are “worldly,” who know their way around a relationship, who have experienced the feeling of wanting and being wanted back. A feeling which, apparently, makes it harder for them to meaningfully relate to me, having not personally experienced it. I am cut out of conversations at parties and while getting ready in dressing rooms because I have nothing to offer in regard to relationship gossip. It is automatically assumed during discussions of being an adult or dealing with mature topics that I cannot possibly know what I’m talking about because the lack of having had a romantic relationship somehow makes me completely naive and unable to offer advice or worthwhile personal anecdotes. I try to talk about the struggles of dating, and no one can relate to me because they all have experience that I, for a variety of reasons, simply lack.

And this...can easily take its toll on a person. Sometimes, I feel very lonely, not because I need someone with me at all times or think that being romantically involved is Super Important Above All Else, but simply because I am cut off from a part of life and personal experience (or conversely, enlightened singlehood and active rejection of that experience) most people seem to have.

I do not personally know one single person with any capacity for romantic attraction who has also never been in a relationship, and while I would, ideally, take the opportunity to celebrate my uniqueness among my circle of friends and acquaintances because my uniquenesses are, by definition, what make me me, all it has done is make me feel isolated, pathetic, and alone.

I don’t think I deserve to feel like that. I don’t think any single person deserves to feel like that. Who I am as a person isn’t defined by whether or not someone’s brain produces the same happy love chemicals at the same time mine does. I am not my relationship status (or lack thereof). I am simply me. A musician, a loyal friend, an advocate of mental health reform, a proud member of the bisexual community, a lover of flawed fantasy TV and obscure musical comedies, a curious woman on a quest for knowledge who does calculus for fun and reads too much Good Omens fanfiction. Just to name a few things. And although other people’s opinions don’t really matter, I still wish they would see that instead of Poor Area Single Who Needs Help.

I don’t have any answers. I...don’t really know how to deal with this or what I hoped to accomplish by writing this out. But I do know that I haven’t really seen this particular experience described in a way I could relate to, and, well, I’ve found that discussing my feelings through writing helps me to better deal with them. And if I can help anyone also feeling these things to feel less alone, then all the better. I do think we tend to commodify romantic love, and I think sometimes we can lose sight of just how much that can hurt people. Even people actively seeking it.

And there is nothing wrong with seeking it. Just as there is nothing wrong with not having it. My heart is my own and doesn’t rely on someone else’s feelings or proximity to keep beating. That’s not how human anatomy works. And as we reevaluate our ideals and what things like self-love and feminism and happiness truly mean, I hope we can all collectively realize that.

#relationships #love #loneliness #identity #single #being single #the single life #singlehood #singlism #can you believe I essentially wrote an AP English essay on my feelings about chronic singlehood #also if anyone comes on this post to say how *You'll find someone someday* or *I'm so happy in my relationship I want that for you too*#I will literally actually block you that wasn't the point of this post and I'm tired

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elleberquist6 · 6 years

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Play Upon Me Like This Piano - chapter forty-three

Summary: In many ways, Phil’s life is perfect: he loves his life in London, he has a wonderful brother and parents, and he has a great job as a radio DJ for BBC Radio One. There’s only one thing missing in his life… A rumor reaches an executive at the BBC about a talented local piano player named Daniel. The executive decides that Daniel would be the perfect guest on Phil’s radio show, so she sends Phil to speak with the evasive and mysterious piano player.

When they finally meet, Phil starts to think that he has found the person who will make his life complete. Unfortunately, Dan has a secret that will make getting close to him difficult.

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 2851

Warnings: Smut

—

From The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen (1836): “Where am I?” asked she, and her voice sounded ethereal, as the voice of those who were with her; no earthly music could imitate it.

“Among the daughters of the air,” answered one of them. “A mermaid has not an immortal soul, nor can she obtain one unless she wins the love of a human being. On the power of another hangs her eternal destiny. But the daughters of the air, although they do not possess an immortal soul, can, by their good deeds, procure one for themselves. We fly to warm countries, and cool the sultry air that destroys mankind with the pestilence. We carry the perfume of the flowers to spread health and restoration. After we have striven for three hundred years to all the good in our power, we receive an immortal soul and take part in the happiness of mankind. You, poor little mermaid, have tried with your whole heart to do as we are doing; you have suffered and endured and raised yourself to the spirit-world by your good deeds; and now, by striving for three hundred years in the same way, you may obtain an immortal soul.”

The little mermaid lifted her glorified eyes towards the sun, and felt them, for the first time, filling with tears. On the ship, in which she had left the prince, there were life and noise; she saw him and his beautiful bride searching for her; sorrowfully they gazed at the pearly foam, as if they knew she had thrown herself into the waves. Unseen she kissed the forehead of her bride, and fanned the prince, and then mounted with the other children of the air to a rosy cloud that floated through the aether.

“After three hundred years, thus shall we float into the kingdom of heaven,” said she. “And we may even get there sooner,” whispered one of her companions. [http://hca.gilead.org.il/li_merma.html/]

“Thanks again, Robert,” Dan said with pink cheeks, probably for the 20th time since Robert’s car pulled up to the curb and he helped them load their suitcases into the trunk.

“No problemo,” Robert responded breezily, as he homed in on a parking space, and turned the car in the direction of it.

Dan bit his lip and stared out the window, trying to bat down his anxiety. The air was thick with unsaid words and unresolved issues, but this didn’t seem the time to speak of them. Last night when they had been planning their trip to the airport, Phil had suggested asking Robert for a ride instead of calling for a cab. Dan had been shocked.

“But we’ve only texted a couple times since the concert!” He protested.

Phil had rolled his eyes. “And he said that he still wanted to be friends. Giving a ride to the airport is the sort of thing friends do.”

“I’m not sure if we’re okay. We haven’t spoken about much besides that. I don’t want to ask him for a favor if we’re not okay.”

Phil smiled. “That’s exactly why you need to see Robert now. I want you to get this worry off your mind before we leave the country, so that you can enjoy this trip. You need to see that you still have your friend.”

Now, Dan’s thoughts returned to the present as he felt someone’s fingers entwine with his own. He turned away from the window to see Phil smiling at him. He gave Phil’s hand a squeeze. As he stared into the ocean blue eyes, he felt like he could hear his voice without him needing to utter a word. It will be alright. Just talk to Robert. There is nothing to worry about.

Dan smiled, hoping his face and eyes were just as expressive, so that Phil knew how grateful he was for the love and support. Having Phil by his side made all of this seem less scary, even as the car rolled into a parking space and Dan knew that the time of his conversation with Robert was drawing nearer.

After Robert turned off the car, they all piled out and went to retrieve their rolling suitcases and carry-ons from the trunk. Phil checked his watch and said, “We’re really early.” He smirked at Dan, all but saying the words, As I’d planned. “Once we get our suitcases to the baggage check, I can wait in line there. Why don’t you guys go to the café and get yourselves a cup of coffee? You have time to catch up before we leave.”

Dan opened his mouth, unsure what to say.

As Dan’s mind was still spinning in circles, Robert replied, “Sure, sounds like fun.”

Taking a deep breath, Dan focused on calming himself for what was to come.

“What would you like?”

“Hmm?” Dan jumped, jarred out of his thoughts by Robert’s voice. He blinked at the menu and at the barista waiting on his order. “Oh, um, caramel macchiato please.”

Robert also told her his order, and they shuffled to the register to pay for their drinks. Robert commented, “You seem distracted, Dan. Worried about the flight?”

Dan shook his head – the flight was the least of his concerns today. “No, um. I’m not worried about that.”

Robert nodded and looked away. They stood in an awkward silence, occasionally fiddling with their phones until their drinks arrived, and they took them to a booth in the corner. Robert scooted forward until he was sitting on the edge of his seat and he leaned across the table. He dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, saying, “Dan, if it’s me you’re worried about, please don’t. I don’t want you to think I’m going to betray your secret. I promise I haven’t told anyone you’re a siren, and I won’t.”

“Oh.” Dan’s shoulders relaxed and he gave Robert a smile. “Thank you. I didn’t think you were going to say anything. I was worried, but not about that.”

“What then?” Robert took the lid off his coffee, releasing a puff of steam, and he blew on it to cool it.

Dan fiddled absentmindedly with a sugar packet that was left lying on the table. “I was just worried about us. Our friendship. Did you mean what you said? You’re okay with all this?”

Robert blinked. “Of course we are. I told you so over text. And I’m here today, having coffee with you. What makes you think something’s wrong?”

Dan shrugged. “Yeah, all that’s true. But it’s also true that you’re a nice guy who would never say or do anything to hurt me. So, maybe you’re just acting like this to spare my feelings.”

Robert smiled and shook his head. “Do you really think I’m that deceitful?”

“No, not that.” He took a sip of his hot coffee, which scalded his tongue a bit. Grimacing, he set down the cup on the table. “I think I’m the one who deceived you, and I wouldn’t blame you if you were upset with me, knowing what you now know about me…”

As Dan trailed off, Robert finished, “The siren thing?” Robert shook his head, as Dan’s cheeks flushed with shame. “Dan, what am I supposed to be upset about? It’s who you are, man. If I disliked you for being a siren – something you were born as and can’t change about yourself – I’d seriously be a dick. I hope that’s not who you think I am because I’m nothing but grateful that you trusted me with this secret. I feel closer to you now.”

“I do, too.” Dan took a sip of coffee so that he could hide his smile behind his mug. He had felt vulnerable around Robert since he revealed the truth to him. He didn’t know how to feel secure again, and avoiding the issue and his friend hadn’t helped. On impulse, Dan decided to open up a bit more and he confessed, “Besides my mum, Phil, and now his family, you’re the only one who know about me. I’ve lived in secret for my whole life, hiding who I really am from everyone in my life. I was scared…”

Robert frowned. “That sounds kinda lonely. I’m glad you decided to trust and share what you are with us.”

Dan smiled and looked down at the drink in his hands. “Me, too. I never thought I’d find people who I’d feel safe sharing this with. I thought I had no choice but to isolate myself. I was wrong, and now I feel like the world has opened up to me.”

Smiling, Robert took a sip of his drink and he asked, “So, does the world opening up for you include your career, too? Because I’m going to miss seeing you around the bar while you’re away.”

“I’ll be back at the Oasis soon,” Dan assured him. “Though once I am, I’m planning something a bit different. Do you remember what I told you about my siren voice?”

Robert nodded. “You said you didn’t think you deserved your success because your siren voice hypnotizes people.”

“Yeah, so I’m not as happy with my career as I could be. But the last time I performed for the BBC, I didn’t use my siren talent. Phil thinks that my natural voice – not my siren voice – is good enough that maybe I can perform using it. I hope he’s right.”

Robert’s smile widened. “I heard you sing that day. Phil is right.”

“I’m a bit nervous,” Dan confessed. “I’ve been relying on my supernatural skill for so long. I’ve never even had voice training. What if I’m not good enough?”

“You are,” Robert insisted. “And if you feel like a lack of training is holding you back, I could always help with that. I’ve given voice lessons before. Come over to my place sometime. We could hang out, jam on my karaoke machine like the professionals we are, and I could give you some tips.”

Dan gaped at him. “Are you serious?”

“Of course.” Robert laughed. “And despite my causal presentation of the offer, I do know what I’m talking about when I say voice lessons. I can offer you tips on voice control, give you breathing exercises you can practice at home, and more. I wouldn’t have brought up these lessons if I didn’t know how to give them.”

“I know that, I believe you. It’s just… you’d really do that for me?”

Robert’s smile faltered. “I would, Dan. Because it bothered me to hear what you thought of yourself the other day, calling yourself fake and an imposter. None of that was true. When I heard you sing for the first time on stage right after that, I knew how talented you were. It really upsets me to think that you can’t see that about yourself.” He took a deep breath, seeming to want to say something else, so Dan stayed silent. Robert continued, “Dan, what you and I have always had in common is a love of music, and I could see how happy you were when you were singing on stage. I’m your friend. So, I want to see you happy like that again and I want to help. Will you let me give you voice lessons?”

“Yes,” Dan said in a soft voice, stunned by Robert’s generosity. “Thank you.”

“Great!” Robert beamed at him. “So, it’s settled then. You’ll come over to my place once you get back from the States, and I’ll give you some lessons.”

Dan nodded. “Thanks. You’re a good friend. So much better than I deserve.”

Robert laughed and shook his head. As he took a sip of his coffee, he seemed distracted.

“What is it? You look like you have something on your mind.”

“Oh.” Robert put down his cup, a wistful look on his face. “I was just trying to pinpoint the moment we became friends. We were professional rivals for so long. When do you think the scales tipped over to friendship?”

Dan shrugged and smiled. “I’m not sure. This friendship kind of snuck up on me when I wasn’t looking. It was the same way with Phil.”

“Was it?” A muscle in Robert’s cheek twitched and then he stared pointedly at a nearby empty wall.

Dan blinked and also stared at the wall, trying to see what Robert saw there. Then a pair of hands landed heavily on Dan’s shoulders, making him let out a startled squeak. The person behind him leaned in to growl in his ear, “Rawr!”

“Phil?” He guessed, still a bit breathless. The hands gave his shoulders one more squeeze before they moved off his shoulders. A moment later, Phil dropped into an open spot at the table with a wolfish grin on his face. Dan turned a scowl on Robert. “You saw him sneaking up on me and didn’t warn me.”

“Why would I do something like that?” Robert hid his smile behind his cup, which must be empty of coffee by now.

Dan turned a pout on Phil, but Phil was drumming his fingers on the table and glancing at the clock which was hanging nearby on the wall. Dan asked, “How did it go with the bags? Should we be going soon?”

As Phil’s eyes flicked to Dan’s face from the clock, he gave a slight nod. He said, “Bags are checked in. We should probably head over to the gate about now. But there’s time for you to finish your coffee.”

Dan picked up his cup and drained the dregs of coffee from it, now gone cold after sitting out for so long. He told Phil, “I’m ready to go.”

Phil glanced at Robert, who tipped his cup to show Phil that it was empty. Still, Phil hesitated and asked, “You guys sure you’re ready to go? Have you had a chance to talk?”

Robert’s eyebrows rose in confusion, and he glanced between Dan and Phil, sensing that there was some kind of secret, silent communication passing between the couple as they shot each other glances.

Smiling, Dan explained to Robert, “Phil thought we should have a chance to talk before I got on the plane, so that everything was settled between us. I think we accomplished that.”

A wide grin spread across his face. “I think so, too.” Robert tossed his empty cup in a nearby trashcan. “Okay, then. Let’s go. I can’t see you guys off if instead you miss your flight.”

Dan laughed and also tossed his cup. “Right, let’s go.” He paused only to glance in his carry-on bag, making sure that his ticket and boarding pass were still at the top of his bag, resting on top of a tangled sea of wires that he had hastily tossed in his bag after procrastinating packing last night. Then they left the café.

Phil led the way, peering above heads in the crowd and glancing at the signs that directed them to their destination. Robert fell into pace beside Dan. Neither of them said anything – they didn’t have to, which made Dan feel a rush of fondness for his friend, and affection for Phil. Phil had been right to have them get here early and stop in the café. If this had been left up to Dan, he likely would never have settled things with Robert today, or he would have mumbled something awkward and inconclusive before they parted at the gate. It felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, which was all thanks to Robert’s forgiving nature and Phil’s careful planning. In this moment, Dan knew how amazingly lucky he was to have both of them in his life.

They reached the point in the airport where people without boarding passes couldn’t advance further, so it was time to part with Robert. Phil turned to him, “Thanks for giving us a ride today.”

“Happy to do it,” Robert told him. “I hope you guys have a nice trip.” Then before either of them could respond, he turned to Dan and pulled him into a quick hug. “I’ll see you when you get back. Take care of yourself.”

As the hug broke apart, Dan nodded to Phil and told Robert. “I’ll be fine. Phil and I take care of each other.”

That seemed to reassure Robert. As the pair started walking towards the gate, since they were out of time to dawdle before their flight. Dan’s last glimpse of Robert as he disappeared around a corner was of the wide grin on Robert’s face. He once more felt a rush of relief that everything had gotten settled before this trip. Dan huffed a sigh of relief.

Phil glanced at him, hearing it. “You okay? Did everything really get settled with Robert?” When Dan nodded, he asked, “Then, you’re worried about your mum?”

Dan laughed, since it wasn’t like he had forgotten why they were here in the airport: to travel to his mum’s wedding. “I’m always worried about her,” he told Phil. He couldn’t keep a smile off his face, though.

#phandom #phanfiction #phanfic #dan and phil #dan x phil #merman #siren #mermaid

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the-mira-life-project-mtf · 5 years

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Distraction Is The Key! (My MtF-H.R.T. Journey)

HOMESICK

The first time I’ve ever dealt with homesickness was when I went to collage. I completely skipped community collage and went into university to seek my degree in science and felt the sting of being separated from my family. I remember them helping me move into my dorm and when everyone was done...they walked away...leaving me in the window watching as they disappeared out of sight. That night, I never slept, I was too wound up to place my mind into sleep induced hypnosis.

For the first week, I felt lost, confused, unsure, unclear, perplexed, disconnected, isolated, distanced away from all that I knew. I was living with complete and total strangers as I spent hours in my room pacing back-and-forward like a caged wolf at a community zoo. It took almost a month to get over the sickness.

It certainly did feel like a sickness too! I could not eat for a few days, then when I did eat, it was the wrong food. I felt weighted down, depressed as each step felt like a thousand pounds. Slowly, my sleep caught up to me as I accumulated a serious sleep-debt!

I was homesick and by week two, I found myself walking the whole campus’s perimeter each day, going off trail to climb the loose earth and weeding the flowerbeds to distract my mind. It is easy to distract yourself when you can escape the house, however, it isn’t so easy when you are trapped inside.

The worst homesickness I’ve ever felt was when I was very young and I was very sick. I was hospitalized and when the night came, my family left, even with me begging them to stay...isolated to my room, isolated to my bed...the only way to escape the homesickness was to sleep...but when you are homesick, sleep isn’t that easy and time seems to go by slowly!

LEAVING CERTAINTY

Most people my age have already went through the process of leaving home for a life of their own; either tired of following their parents rules or falling in love with another and forming their own family. I, however, like most of my generation are remaining at home...mooching off our parents to get along...that wasn’t my life! I was expected to remain as I was the only male member of your family and it was my duty to maintain the house and property and take care of my family. This is quite common in Asian countries, but not in America.

However, my transgender nature has made living at home dangerous as my family are continuously waging a verbal war against the LGBT...and me...without knowing it. However, with no finical security, inability to work, and battling a terminal illness...my life will always require me to piggyback off of another to survive and I’ve learned to make myself useful.

The moment has finally come; the moment I leave my old life behind and move onward to a new life. I sadly feel bad for my biological family: They shall never experience the unconditional love that I have...or be truly free of the social binds that hold them down.

However, there is fear...I am leaving certainty...a life that I’ve built in the last 25 years for a life that has no certainty. Who knows, in two years, my new family might tell me to move on. It is a risky gamble, but at this moment, at the cusp of my transformation...I have to leave.

EXPECTATIONS & DISTRACTIONS

I am already expecting that the first two months of my new life will be a wild roller-coaster of emotions. I will be constantly trying to find my niche in the family that I can bud from and blossom my new life. I know that the soils are fertile as there is always love and caring. I feel...secure there...knowing that if I can’t breathe, they won’t question me or shun me. Actually, it is the exact opposite, they would feel hurt if I did not let them into my life.

This is why I think the homesickness will only last for two months and as the warm summer months approach, I will find ways to distract myself from feeling blue.

Writing: Ever since junior high, I have always been writing. Clearing my head of distracting thought. Composing research and writing works of fiction, science fiction and fantasy. At home, my writing is frown upon as I am expected to be outside working when I should not. At my new home, the focus is that I stay inside to safeguard my health as the end goal as a bilateral lung transplant.

Gardening: At home, I am in-charge of all the gardening and farming that my grandfather once did. However, I don’t wish to make a business out of it and would like to tend to my own flowers, vegetable and fruit-bearing plants. A garden is like a child, it need constant care or it will die.

Sound-Technology: At one time, one of my paths could have sent me to Oregon to seek a career in sound-technology. I was very good at my job in high school...learning techniques to make the worse singers sound like gold. Luckily, my new family are singers, musicians and performers...and I expect they will have the same expectations for me once I am adopted as every child is expected to perform somehow in the group. The one area that they need help is sound technology...and if I can become good once more...I will have an opportunity to re-join a band.

Cystic Fibrosis Advocate: Ever since 2015, my whole life has been set on the path to fight and advocate cystic fibrosis. Personally, I feel indebted to paying a life for a life. I should have died back in 2015, but because of Amanda Carlene’s compassion to see that I got on the correct path...she saved my life when I was infected with an aggressive strain of aspergillus. Oddly, this was the same time my desire to correct my gender flourished...contesting to what many say...I am Amanda’s legacy. This is why I dedicated my middle name to Amanda, calling myself Mira Carlene.

Beautification Of My Home: The place that will become my home certainly needs to be cleaned up. Much has been done to the place! When Mitch and Michelle first rented the property, the house was a disaster, filled with animal excrement, fleas and garbage. With the house livable once more, the property has been neglected as they are too tired to attend to the 8 acres of land. In my two years of coming over, I have greatly improved the property beyond measure and have plans to beautify the lands for our guests as Mitch has plans to build a camp...if he can only win the lottery.

Damming The Creek: Almost 60 feet down into a ravine runs a creek that I want to dam and form a pond. I have a love of water and bodies of water as a Scorpio! Back in 2018, when our pump-house fail...we were in bad need for water. I had envisioned creating a shallow pond for collecting water, creating a water fall and giving our dog, Chance, a place to wade before he died. Damming the creek is still my pet project...including building a trail system for the family to hike and to open access to the upper canyon.

Turning The Barn Into A Workshop With a Garden: Although I don’t see a garden happening this year, (as there is much work needed to be done!), but I need to organize and clean up the mess that is called the barn. When the family moved from Key Center to Victor, whatever could not fit in the house now lays in the barn. There are four stalls (once used for horses) that can be turned into four workstations: One as our tool shop, one for allowing Mitch to return to making rock art, one for storage and one for gardening. I’ve already bought LED lights to brighten the barn up as it is pretty dark in there!

Re-purpose The Chicken Coup: Into what...I don’t know...but I am thinking storage and a tool-shop.

Being A Daughter To The Children: One of the things I could never have is children...and the opportunity to step into the role of Big-Sister for the children has already happened as I am learning to get comfortable with them and teaching the youngest son all my skills...as my grandfather taught me.

Re-Focusing On Mira: All my life, I’ve been dedicated to focusing on others, letting myself go; neglecting my therapy and doing things my doctors frown upon. When the whole transgender thing out of the way, and having their blessings, I am free to re-focus on being just Mira.

Renewing My Faith: With a new start, I also want to rekindle my faith. I have been following Mitch and Michelle to their church; and while it is nice to sit with the ones who love you, I just have not settled into the faith of a baptist. I was raised Lutheran and probably die a Lutheran. I have been to all types of domination including: Baptist, Episcopalian, Jehovah Witness, Catholic, Masonic, Lutheran and New Age faiths...each one different. I’ve even read the Hebrew Torah and the Islamic Qurʾan. I found religion and faith intriguing, and being so close to death...desirable. At this moment, there are two Lutheran churches I am thinking of visiting: North Bay Lutheran in Allyn and Christ Lutheran in Belfair, however, North Bay is closes to where I live.

Going Through The Preceding’s: The process of having a full name change is somewhat...complicated! Most transgender individuals will decide to change their first name, some will drop their middle man if it does not suit their genders, and rarely change their last name. I will be going for a full legal name change...which is only half the battle! If approved, then you need to contact the SSD, DVM, Banks, Creditors and Debtors, Clinics, Insurance Companies for Medical and Car, and then the non-vital departments and stores like Costco, Bi-Mart or even the CFF! I’ve been down this road once before, when I was 18, and looks like I will be doing it again. At this moment, I am already using the name of Mira with my closes friends and will change all my social media platforms to Mira Carlene in May.

Continue The Foundation: The ability to continue the foundation has been my biggest goal since I’ve came into my new family’s life. Before I contacted them, I wasn’t aware that they were almost not going to do the CFF Walk, which they have done in memory of Amanda and Jessica who both passed away from cystic fibrosis. I was the sign they were asking for, and I did not want that type of attention, so I remained distant, but also needed to ‘know’ them. They were special to me, even though we only meet twice. Sadly, the foundation had fallen into ruins long before I came into the picture. The people who help start the foundation were the same ones who sank it...it was tragic!

In 2018, Michelle approached me about taking over the foundation as it found a new reason to exist and was willing to donate proceeds to me, but I turned it down. In 2019, the foundation had just turned seven years old...seven years since Amanda passed away...and I had been considering restarting the foundation. I was focusing on holiday craft shows and events to sell and raise awareness.

Take for example, just last year, over 80,000 people attended the Kitsap County Fair, which means 40,000 people would see our booth, and even if they did not buy a thing, they will leave with those two words in their memory: Cystic Fibrosis. Amanda was all about advocacy when I knew her and now that was my reality. Ironically, I am fulfilling both of their memories and promises to their father.

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all-things-witchcraft · 7 years

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🔮A Huge Tarot Master-Post🔮

Hello~ I figured I’d make my first master-post about Tarot! This is my interpretation, so I don’t ask that you just go by my word. It’s your path! I’m just here to try to help.

This will be VERY in-depth. So I apologize in advance for the lengthy post, but I hope it will help.

What is “Tarot”?

Personally for myself I see Tarot as a tool. I use it to help myself and others with some guidance with their lives; however, when it comes to Tarot, don’t let it rule over your decisions in your life. It is a tool but that does not mean that you should only go by what it says.

Types of Readings

There are two types of readings when it comes to Tarot: Question readings and Open Readings.

Question Readings

Just as the title says Tarot involves answering questions. Yes or No questions aren’t meant to be answered by Tarot. When it comes to Yes or No questions pendulums are used with their corresponding charts. Like I stated before, you shouldn’t use Tarot to make decisions but to guide you to help you make the decision yourself. The way a question is stated is important for Tarot readers. Here’s a few tips on what you should look out for:

🔮 Keeping your options open: If you already have an answer for your question, then you’re not really letting yourself allow the cards to guide your decision. Asking how you could encourage your mother-in-law to move out, as opposed to asking how you can get along better with her, is narrowing the scope of the true question by answering it before you even get started.

🔮 Details: Your question should be focused, but not overly detailed. Rather than looking at one particular aspect of a problem, find a way to look more broadly at it. For example, rather than asking how you can make your home life less chaotic, ask how you can better balance work schedules and school schedules. That is a focused question. But do not go so far as to ask how you can coordinate baseball, soccer and karate schedules and still have family time – that’s too detailed. Only include the minimum level of detail needed in order to express what you want to learn from the cards.

🔮 Focus on Yourself: If the reading is for yourself, make sure your question focuses on you rather than on someone else who you think may be the root of your problem. If you’re wanting to help someone, for example, ask about what you can do to help them.

🔮 Stay Neutral: Basically be unbiased. Don’t come off with the notion that your POV is the “right” one. Asking why you’re always the one getting yelled at between you and your parent(s) isn’t neutral; instead, ask how you can prevent future arguments with your parent(s). That’s neutral!

🔮 Be Positive: When it comes to Tarot, and anything really, you’ll want to always try to be positive. Instead of asking why a specific event didn’t happen, ask about what you can do to make that event happen. Positivity is always great!

Open Readings

These are also known as “General” readings. They address the larger aspects of life rather than a question or a specific area. I’ve found that Past, Present, Future readings are very popular since it talks about people’s lives. They’re always eager to see if the cards can truly tell about their life! You can also direct the General readings towards a basic “genre”. Career, Health, Finances, Love, etc.

The Tarot Deck

There are many varieties of Tarot decks, and there is no standard number of cards across all decks. While the types of cards, the suits and their meanings are the same, the illustrations vary greatly. Decks are based on various themes such as nature, animals, fantasy, dragons, etc.

When it comes to finding a deck of your own, don’t just choose one based on the design. Focus on the connection between you and your future tool, your future guide. I have the Tarot Draconis Deck that called to me. It’s a beautiful dragon based deck that has connected with me. The bond we have today is inseparable!

I say “bond” because each deck has it’s own personality. That’s why Tarot readers do interview “spreads” to help them get to know their decks a bit better. I’ll explain spreads more thoroughly later on in this post. When it comes to their personalities, some decks are blunt, some are meant for giving other people readings and others could be laid back.

The Major and Minor Arcana

When you look through a Tarot Deck, there will be two different sets of cards: Major Arcana and Minor Arcana. Let’s look at the Minor Arcana first. You’ll find that like regular playing cards there are four suits; however, instead of hearts, spades, diamonds, and clubs there are Wands, Pentacles (Circles), Cups (Chalices), and Swords. Each of these represents an element.

Each suit has meaning regarding a specific approach to life. The cards within these suits are numbered one through 10 and also include the court cards – the king, queen, knight and page (knave). The Minor Arcana cards represent the more minor, practical daily ups and downs in life.

The Major Arcana are not associated with the suits. They include the picture cards that represent principles, concepts and ideals. They are numbered one through 21, with the 22nd card (the “Fool”) marked as zero. The Major Arcana cards represent strong, long-term energy or big events in some area of life.

Minor Arcana and the Four Suits

As I stated before, each of the Suits represents an element. Let’s talk about each one and break down what they mean, as well as the cards within them. Then we’ll move on to the Major Arcana!

When it comes to the different cards, there are negatives and positives. When a card is upside-down, the term being “reversed”, then it represents negative attributes of that card. When it’s upright then it represents positive attributes.

For myself, I don’t read reverse cards. I base it on my intuition. I’ll explain how your intuition is used with tarot later on in this post.

Suit of Pentacles

🌱Also known as Coins, Disks, or Circles.

🌱Represents the element Earth.

🌱Covers material aspects of life including work, business, trade, property, money and other material possessions.

🌱 Pentacles deal with the physical or external level of consciousness and thus mirror the outer situations of your health, finances, work, and creativity. They have to do with what we make of our outer surroundings – how we create it, shape it, transform it and grow it.

🌱 On a more esoteric level, Pentacles are associated with the ego, self-esteem and self-image.

🌱 The positive aspects of the Suit of Pentacles include manifestation, realization, proof and prosperity.

🌱 The negative aspects of the Suit of Pentacles (i.e. when the Pentacles cards appear reversed) include being possessive, greedy and overly materialistic, over-indulging and not exercising, not effectively managing one’s finances, and being overly focused on career to the detriment of other life priorities.

Often what is required to counteract these negative aspects is a return to nature to ground oneself and rediscover what is truly important. In addition, there may be blockages in being able to manifest ideas and plans resulting in a lack of success. Better goal-setting and planning is required.

🌱 When referring to timing in a Tarot reading, the Suit of Pentacles traditionally represents Winter or years.

🌱 In a deck of playing cards, Pentacles corresponds to Diamonds.

🌱 Court Cards // 1 - 10 🌱

King of Pentacles:

Upright - Security, control, power, discipline, abundance

Reversed - Authoritative, domineering, controlling

Queen of Pentacles:

Upright - Practical, homely, motherly, down-to-earth, security

Reversed - Imbalance in work/ family commitments

Knight of Pentacles:

Upright - Efficiency, routine, conservatism, methodical

Reversed - Laziness, boredom, feeling ‘stuck’

Knave/Page of Pentacles:

Upright - Manifestation, financial opportunity, new job

Reversed - Lack of progress and planning, short-term focus

10 of Pentacles:

Upright - Wealth, inheritance, family, establishment, retirement

Reversed - Financial failure, loneliness, loss

9 of Pentacles:

Upright - Gratitude, luxury, self-sufficiency, culmination

Reversed - Over-investment in work, financial setbacks

8 of Pentacles:

Upright - Apprenticeship, education, quality, engagement

Reversed - Perfectionism, lacking ambition or focus

7 of Pentacles:

Upright - Vision, perseverance, profit, reward, investment

Reversed - Lack of long-term vision, limited success or reward

6 of Pentacles:

Upright - Generosity, charity, giving, prosperity, sharing wealth

Reversed - Debt, selfishness, one-sided charity

5 of Pentacles:

Upright - Isolation, insecurity, worry, financial loss, poverty

Reversed - Recovery from financial loss, spiritual poverty

4 of Pentacles:

Upright - Control, stability, security, possession, conservatism

Reversed - Greed, materialism, self-protection

3 of Pentacles:

Upright - Teamwork, initial fulfilment, collaboration, learning

Reversed - Lack of teamwork, disregard for skills

2 of Pentacles:

Upright - Balance, adaptability, time management, prioritisation

Reversed - Disorganisation, financial disarray

Ace of Pentacles:

Upright - Manifestation, new financial opportunity, prosperity

Reversed - Lost opportunity, lack of planning and foresight

Suit of Swords

🌫️ Represents the element Air.

🌫️ Associated with action, change, force, power, oppression, ambition, courage and conflict.

🌫️ Action can be both constructive and/or destructive, sometimes resulting in violence. This suit can also mean hatred, battle, and enemies, and of all the suits, this one is considered to be the most powerful and dangerous.

🌫️ The Suit of Swords deals with the mental level of consciousness that is centred around the mind and the intellect. Swords mirror the quality of mind present in your thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs.

🌫️ Swords themselves are double-edged and in this way the Suit of Swords symbolises the fine balance between intellect and power and how these two elements can be used for good or evil. As such, the Swords must be balanced by spirit (Wands) and feeling (Cups).

🌫️ The negative aspects of the Suit of Swords (i.e. when the Swords cards appear reversed) include anger, guilt, harsh judgement, a lack of compassion and verbal and mental abuse.

🌫️ When referring to timing in a Tarot reading, the Suit of Swords traditionally represents Autumn (Fall), or months.

🌫️ In a deck of playing cards, Swords corresponds to Spades.

🌫️ Court Cards // 1 - 10 🌫️

King of Swords:

Upright: Clear thinking, intellectual power, authority, truth

Reversed: Manipulative, tyrannical, abusive

Queen of Swords:

Upright: Quick thinker, organised, perceptive, independent

Reversed: Overly-emotional, bitchy, cold-hearted

Knight of Swords:

Upright: Opinionated, hasty, action-oriented, communicative

Reversed: Scattered thought, disregard for consequences

Knave/Page of Swords:

Upright: Talkative, curious, mentally restless, energetic

Reversed: All talk and no action, haste, undelivered promises

10 of Swords:

Upright: Back-stabbed, defeat, crisis, betrayal, endings, loss

Reversed: Recovery, regeneration, fear of ruin, inevitable end

9 of Swords:

Upright: Depression, nightmares, intense anxiety, despair

Reversed: Hopelessness, severe depression, torment

8 of Swords:

Upright: Isolation, self-imposed restriction, imprisonment

Reversed: Open to new perspectives, release

7 of Swords:

Upright: Betrayal, deception, getting away with something, stealth

Reversed: Mental challenges, breaking free

6 of Swords:

Upright: Regretful but necessary transition, rite of passage

Reversed: Cannot move on, carrying baggage

5 of Swords:

Upright: Conflict, tension, loss, defeat, win at all costs, betrayal

Reversed: Open to change, past resentment

4 of Swords:

Upright: Contemplation, recuperation, passivity, relaxation, rest

Reversed: Restlessness, burn-out, lack of progress

3 of Swords:

Upright: Painful separation, sorrow heartbreak, grief, rejection

Reversed: Releasing pain, optimism, forgiveness

2 of Swords:

Upright: Indecision, choices, truce, stalemate, blocked emotions

Reversed: Indecision, confusion, information overload

Ace of Swords:

Upright: Raw power, victory, break-throughs, mental clarity

Reversed: Confusion, chaos, lack of clarity

Suit of Wands

🔥 Represents the element Fire.

🔥 Associated with primal energy, spirituality, inspiration, determination, strength, intuition, creativity, ambition and expansion, original thought and the seeds through which life springs forth.

🔥 Wands deal with the spiritual level of consciousness and mirror what is important to you at the core of your being.

🔥 They address what makes us tick – our personalities, egos, enthusiasms, self-concepts, and personal energy, both internal and external.

🔥 Wands are also indicative of all things that you do during the day to keep you busy, be it working at the office, home or the great outdoors.

🔥 Wands have to do with movement, action and initiatives and the launching of new ideas.

🔥 They may be indicative of a never-ending ‘Ideas List’ or ‘To Do List’, whereby the client has many projects on the go to keep them busy.

🔥 When referring to timing in a Tarot reading, the Suit of Wands traditionally represents Spring or weeks.

🔥 In a deck of playing cards, Wands corresponds to Clubs.

🔥 Court Cards // 1 - 10 🔥

King of Wands:

Upright: Natural-born leader, vision, entrepreneur, honour

Reversed: Impulsiveness, haste, ruthless, high expectations

Queen of Wands:

Upright: Exuberance, warmth, vibrancy, determination

Reversed: Shrinking violet, aggressive, demanding

Knight of Wands:

Upright: Energy, passion, lust, action, adventure, impulsiveness

Reversed: Haste, scattered energy, delays, frustration

Knave/Page of Wands:

Upright: Enthusiasm, exploration, discovery, free spirit

Reversed: Setbacks to new ideas, pessimism, lack of direction

10 of Wands:

Upright: Burden, responsibility, hard work, stress, achievement

Reversed: Taking on too much, avoiding responsibility

9 of Wands:

Upright: Courage, persistence, test of faith, resilience

Reversed: On edge, defensive, hesitant, paranoia

8 of Wands:

Upright: Speed, action, air travel, movement, swift change

Reversed: Delays, frustration, holding off

7 of Wands:

Upright: Challenge, competition, perseverance

Reversed: Giving up, overwhelmed, overly protective

6 of Wands:

Upright: Public recognition, victory, progress, self-confidence

Reversed: Egotism, disrepute, lack of confidence, fall from grace

5 of Wands:

Upright: Disagreement, competition, strife, tension, conflict

Reversed: Conflict avoidance, increased focus on goals

4 of Wands:

Upright: Celebration, harmony, marriage, home, community

Reversed: Breakdown in communication, transition

3 of Wands:

Upright: Preparation, foresight, enterprise, expansion

Reversed: Lack of foresight, delays, obstacles to long-term goals

2 of Wands:

Upright: Future planning, progress, decisions, discovery

Reversed: Fear of unknown, lack of planning

Ace of Wands:

Upright: Inspiration, power, creation, beginnings, potential

Reversed: Delays, lack of motivation, weighed down

Suit of Cups

🌊 Represents the element Water.

🌊 Also known as Chalices.

🌊 Deals with the emotional level of consciousness and are associated with love, feelings, relationships and connections.

🌊 Cups are about displays of emotion, expression of feelings and the role of emotions in relation to others.

🌊 The Cups Tarot cards indicate that you are thinking with your heart rather than your head, and thus reflect your spontaneous responses and your habitual reactions to situations.

🌊 Cups are also linked to creativity, romanticism, fantasy and imagination.

🌊 The negative aspects of the Suit of Cups (i.e. when the Cups cards appear reversed) include being overly emotional or completely disengaged and dispassionate, having unrealistic expectations and fantasizing about what could be.

There may be repressed emotions, an inability to truly express oneself and a lack of creativity.

🌊 The Suit of Cups traditionally represents the west and Summer. If using an ordinary deck of playing cards,

🌊 Cups are represented by the Suit of Hearts.

🌊 Court Cards // 1 - 10 🌊

King of Chalices:

Upright: Emotional balance and control, generosity

Reversed: Emotional manipulation, moodiness, volatility

Queen of Chalices:

Upright: Emotional security, calm, intuitive, compassionate

Reversed: Emotional insecurity, co-dependency

Knight of Chalices:

Upright: Romance, charm, ‘Knight in shining armour’, imagination

Reversed: Unrealistic, jealousy, moodiness

Knave/Page of Chalices:

Upright: A messenger, creative beginnings, synchronicity

Reversed: Emotional immaturity, creative block

10 of Chalices:

Upright: Harmony, marriage, happiness, alignment

Reversed: Misalignment of values, broken home or marriage

9 of Chalices:

Upright: Wishes fulfilled, comfort, happiness, satisfaction

Reversed: Greed, dissatisfaction, materialism

8 of Chalices:

Upright: Escapism, disappointment, abandonment, withdrawal

Reversed: Hopelessness, aimless drifting, walking away

7 of Chalices:

Upright: Fantasy, illusion, wishful thinking, choices, imagination

Reversed: Temptation, illusion, diversionary tactics

6 of Chalices:

Upright: Reunion, nostalgia, childhood memories, innocence

Reversed: Stuck in the past, naivety, unrealistic

5 of Chalices:

Upright: Loss, regret, disappointment, despair, bereavement

Reversed: Moving on, acceptance, forgiveness

4 of Chalices:

Upright: Meditation, contemplation, apathy, re-evaluation

Reversed: Boredom, missed opportunity, being aloof

3 of Chalices:

Upright: Celebration, friendship, creativity, community

Reversed: An affair, “three’s a crowd”, stifled creativity

2 of Chalices:

Upright: Unified love, partnership, attraction, relationships

Reversed: Break-up, imbalance in a relationship, lack of harmony

Ace of Chalices:

Upright: Love, compassion, creativity, overwhelming emotion

Reversed: Blocked or repressed emotions

🔮 - If a Tarot reading is predominantly made up of the Minor Arcana Tarot cards, you are dealing with day-to-day issues which will not necessarily having a lasting influence on your life.

These issues are passing through, presenting you with an opportunity to learn from these experiences (look to any Major Arcana cards to identify and understand these lessons and how they may impact your life in the long-term).

Major Arcana

The Major Arcana Tarot cards (also known as the trump cards) form the foundation of the Tarot deck and consists of twenty-one numbered cards and one unnumbered card (the Fool).

They represent a path to spiritual self-awareness and depict the various stages we encounter as we search for greater meaning and understanding. In this way, they hold deeply meaningful lessons.

The Major Arcana Tarot card meanings illustrate the structure of human consciousness and, as such, hold the keys to life lessons passed down through the ages. The imagery of the Major Arcana Tarot cards is filled with wisdom from multiple cultures and esoteric traditions, including the Egyptian, Buddhist, Hindu, Sufi, Hebrew and Christian religions.

The Cards

0 // The Fool -

Upright: Beginnings, innocence, spontaneity, a free spirit

Reversed: Naivety, foolishness, recklessness, risk-taking

I // The Magician -

Upright: Power, skill, concentration, action, resourcefulness

Reversed: Manipulation, poor planning, latent talents

II // High Priestess -

Upright: Intuition, Higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind

Reversed: Hidden agendas, need to listen to inner voice

III // The Empress -

Upright: Fertility, femininity, beauty, nature, abundance

Reversed: Creative block, dependence on others

IV // The Emperor -

Upright: Authority, father-figure, structure, solid foundation

Reversed: Domination, excessive control, rigidity, inflexibility

V // Hierophant -

Upright: Religion, group identification, conformity, tradition, beliefs

Reversed: Restriction, challenging the status quo

VI // Lovers -

Upright: Love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices

Reversed: Disharmony, imbalance, misalignment of values

VII // Chariot -

Upright: Control, will power, victory, assertion, determination

Reversed: Lack of control and direction, aggression

VIII // Strength -

Upright: Strength, courage, patience, control, compassion

Reversed: Weakness, self-doubt, lack of self-discipline

IX // Hermit -

Upright: Soul-searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance

Reversed: Isolation, loneliness, withdrawal

X // Wheel of Fortune -

Upright: Good luck, karma, life cycles, destiny, a turning point

Reversed: Bad luck, negative external forces, out of control

XI // Justice -

Upright: Justice, fairness, truth, cause and effect, law

Reversed: Unfairness, lack of accountability, dishonesty

XII // Hanged Man -

Upright: Suspension, restriction, letting go, sacrifice

Reversed: Martyrdom, indecision, delay

XIII // Death -

Upright: Endings, beginnings, change, transformation, transition

Reversed: Resistance to change, unable to move on

XIV // Temperance -

Upright: Balance, moderation, patience, purpose, meaning

Reversed: Imbalance, excess, lack of long-term vision

XV // Devil -

Upright: Bondage, addiction, sexuality, materialism

Reversed: Detachment, breaking free, power reclaimed

XVI // Tower-

Upright: Disaster, upheaval, sudden change, revelation

Reversed: Avoidance of disaster, fear of change

XVII // Star -

Upright: Hope, spirituality, renewal, inspiration, serenity

Reversed: Lack of faith, despair, discouragement

XVIII // Moon -

Upright: Illusion, fear, anxiety, insecurity, subconscious

Reversed: Release of fear, unhappiness, confusion

XIX // Sun -

Upright: Fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality

Reversed: Temporary depression, lack of success

XX // Judgement -

Upright: Judgement, rebirth, inner calling, absolution

Reversed: Self-doubt, refusal of self-examination

XXI // World -

Upright: Completion, integration, accomplishment, travel

Reversed: Lack of completion, lack of closure

Tarot Spreads

Now that we’ve talked about the Minor and Major Arcanas, let’s talk about Tarot spreads! Before any Tarot reader does a reading, they shuffle their cards. This allows them to transfer their energy into the deck.

Once the cards are shuffled and the deck has been cut, the reader lays out the cards in a pattern called the spread. Each position in the spread has a meaning, and there are many different types of spreads, ranging from those that incorporate a single card to spreads that include all 78 cards of the deck. Which spread is used is up to the reader and the specific type of question or reading. Some spreads focus more on a specific type of information. For example, one spread might focus more on emotional matters, while another might bring in more information about the influences of others. One of the most common spreads is the Celtic Cross.

Interpreting the Spread:

Once the cards are laid out, their meanings are interpreted based on their positions and their neighboring cards. Let’s look at the Celtic Cross spread:

Begin by looking at the Circle/Cross section. The cards in this position represent what is happening in your life at the time of the reading.

Next, look at the first six cards in pairs. These cards paint a picture of your immediate situation. The cards in position 1 (the central issue) and position 2 (the secondary issue that can either be opposing or reinforcing) will identify the central theme of the reading. The cards in position 3 (the root cause that can be an unconscious influence or deeper meaning) and position 5 (your attitudes and beliefs, a conscious influence, your goal or an alternate future) represent things that are going on within you at different levels. And, the cards in position 4 (your past, a receding influence or something that has been resolved) and position 6 (the future or an approaching influence or unresolved factor) represent how people and events are flowing through your life.

Next, look at the Staff section of the spread, again considering cards in pairs. Looking at the cards in position 7 (as you are, as you could be, as you present yourself and as you see yourself) and position 8 (your outside environment, someone else’s point of view and you as others see you) tells you about your relationship with your environment.

Finally, look at the card in position 10 (the outcome-overall, your inner state, your actions or effects) to see the projected outcome.

Ask yourself how you feel about the projected outcome. What does it say to you?

Go back and review the cards that led up to that outcome, and see if there is a card that stands out as they key to that outcome. Then, look back at card 5 to see if the projected outcome is also shown as an alternate outcome there. Look at the card representing the near future in position 6 to see if it supports or contributes to the projected outcome. Finally, look at the card in position 9 (guidance, key factors, hopes and fears or overlooked factors) to see there is any relevance there.

This is one of many different spreads. You can even make your own spreads! Ultimately, start small and learn as you go. Spreads are very easy once you get the hang of it.

Intuition

Last but certainly not least, we’re going to talk about Intuition!

What is intuition? A thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.

When it comes to Tarot cards, and giving out readings or doing one for yourself, intuition is key. Witchcraft in general involves intuition 9 times out of 10! For example, when I do my readings for people, I don’t just go by what the cards mean. I trust my intuition about what it means, with my gut feeling. If I feel it’s something to do with family, I go with it. If it has something to do with an important event coming up in the future, I trust it.

You may not get it down right away, and that’s perfectly okay! It’ll take some time to get it down pat. Just don’t forget to listen to your gut!

There you go! I hope this Master Post helps you guys learn a little more about Tarot. I’ll be posting another one later for in-depth descriptions of all the cards!

Brightest blessings!

[🔮] all-things-witchcraft [🔮]

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wehelddarkness · 3 years

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Goodbye 2021

Just a self-reflection on this year

We all joke about how 2021 was just an extension of 2020 and truly for me I can’t tell the difference.

2020 started with my mental health in shambles because of the pandemic and personal family problems and then it slowly got better, or better yet, I tried to let go of the problems and focus on myself, which helped me to feel better and so I took this mindset to 2021 with me. For the first part of 2021, I was doing ok, it looked like things were improving, since I kinda got a promotion at work, and even despite all the stress I went through with that new position foe the first few months, I was doing fine and then it all went down mid-july.

I had a stomachache for a week and it literally took all my will to do anything and after that, I completely stopped focusing on my mental and physical health. My stress level at work only increased and all I did was complain about everything and I couldn’t see where my life was going. I felt like I was stuck and I couldn’t move on. If you ask me now about the good moments I had in the beginning of the year, I can’t tell you. Everything is a blur to me because all my brain has registered is how bad things got afterwards.

So I decided to do something for myself, for my future self. I made a very rushed decision to apply for a uni exam to try to get into a public university to properly focus on my teaching career. I thought that would make me feel better, but it only added to the pile of stress because the test would be in 2 months from the date I applied for it and I would have to review content from high school i hadn’t seen since I left high school 10 years ago.

On top of that, I got “demoted” from that promotion I got earlier in the year, without any previous warning, so my schedule was all over the place because I had to adjust myself again to teaching again. That’s also when my sleep schedule started to get fucked up and I was getting more and more anxious because I couldn’t sleep well. And a month after that, I was completely taken out of the pedagogical team and had to go back to teaching full time again, so that was another low blow on my self-esteem.

I had to talk to my therapist again and only after that, and after I took the first part of the test I was able to feel a bit whole again, but, still, I don’t feel I’m completely doing okay.

These last couple of months of 2021 have been the most draining for me, it felt a lot like the beginning of the pandemic where I didn’t know when things were going back to normal. Now that we’ve adjusted to this new normal, that’s not what’s making me anxious anymore. Now, it’s everything related to my future and who I am as person and where I want to see myself next.

It’s very daunting to get older and feel like nothing in my life has changed for the past 5-10 years and it frustrastes me a lot. It makes me depressed and anxious. I feel myself losing interest in things I’ve always loved doing. I feel myself losing interest in basic interactions with friends and family. I see myself becoming less interesting to people who are close to me, because they have better things to do and a different life than me.

I feel myself more and more isolated and it’s hard for me to go back to how I was before.

But I am so grateful for the people that have kept me company and kept me entertained during these long and hard months. Without my friends and the people I have talked to, I would be much worse.

And I don’t wanna get worse. I wanna get better. I wanna feel better about myself. I wanna feel whole again, with a purpose.

I don’t wanna change my life or who I am, but I do know I need to make some changes in order to let go of this depressive mood.

I’m trying to change, I’m trying to do something for myself by trying to get back to college and try to give myself a better future. I know the hardest part is yet to come and I still have to study and take the second part of the test, and I know I might not get in. But I won’t give up. I’ll keep hoping for the best and if the best doesn’t happen, I’ll better prepare myself this next year.

So many people can make it, whey can’t I? Why can’t I force myself to do a lot of things at the same time? Why do I exhaust myself so easily? I can’t let that happen and I’m focused on not letting it come to it again.

So, this is a goodbye 2021. It was hard, but in a lot of ways, it showed me that I can survive, even if it takes a tool on me. I can be resilient if I put my mind to it.

I know we’re far from overcoming this pandemic and all the world’s problems, but I do hope whatever the universe has in store for me, that I can face it in a lighter way and that I can get back to feeling like myself.

#personal x

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truemanofsteel · 6 years

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So today marks 7 years since my mom passed away. I know some of you are aware of this but for those of you that aren’t I just want to share my story. When my mom died it was the worst day of my life. My mom and I hadn’t been talking for about a month after an argument on the phone that ended with me saying “fuck you.” Those are the last words my mom remembered me saying to her before she died. The weekend before she passed away I was at San Diego State University for a performance with my high school concert band. Right before we go in to warm up I check my phone to see that my stepdad had called. In his message he was hyperventilating and saying to call him back, that he had really bad news about my mom. I immediately break down crying because I have no idea what’s happening. I try calling my grandma, who lives in Texas, to see if she knew at all what happened or what’s going on. I finally get ahold of her and she tells me my mom was rushed to the hospital that morning because she wasn’t waking up.

So I immediately called my dad after and left my performance to go to the hospital. I get there and my stepdad is out there, visibly shaken, explaining what happened that morning. I’m led inside to speak with the doctor, who then tells me my mom isn’t going to make it and that she will more than likely die that night. My heart sank and I sat in the comfort room of the hospital crying for I don’t even know how long. They tell me to go to my mom and say my goodbyes. I walk over to my moms bed and I was horrified to see my moms essentially lifeless body laying there. Chunks of her hair were missing, her skin was yellow, and I just couldn’t believe what was happening. I go to her and tell her how much I love her, despite any fights we had, and that she will always be my mom. After some time of talking to my dad and stepdad, my dad takes me home. I had no idea what I would do without my mom.

My mom survives the night and is then transferred to the ICU where she’s making some progress. My moms brothers and mom fly down to be with her and my family. The days go by and things seem to improve, giving me hope that my mom was gonna make it. During this time many of my moms friends from high school and childhood find me on Facebook to see what’s happening and give me their condolences. That Friday (almost a week after my mom arrived at the hospital) a meeting is held with my uncles, my grandmas on both sides, my dad and my sister to discuss what was gonna happen with my mom. I wasn’t allowed to be there since I was a minor and couldn’t be involved in any of the decision making. The family comes to a decision that day, but I was not told until the following day what it would be. The next day I spend the entire day with my uncles, my grandma, and my brothers going to the mall, seeing a movie, just overall having a good family day. Something I never had with them since my moms relatives didn’t live here in San Diego.

Once we get back to my mom and stepdads house my stepdad, grandma, and my uncles sit my 4 younger brothers and I down. They explain to us that despite everything the doctors have been doing, my mom wasn’t going to make it and that she would pass away no matter what. At that point she was on life support and they were gonna pull the plug. I’ve never experienced a more heartbreaking moment then seeing my brothers all break down crying, they were kids, kids who are gonna lose their mom. I couldn’t bare to see them so upset. I console them and cry with them, telling them no matter what I would always be there for them.

The following morning I go with my stepmom, my other grandma, my aunt, and my great uncle to church. I had felt a little better by that point, but still broke down crying. So my uncle (my dads brother) who was working in the tech booth of the church took me in there and let me help them for the service and also let me have a place to let my emotions out. The service was nice and afterwords the pastor came up and prayed for me and my family. My grandma drops me off at home, my dad was waiting there for me. He immediately pulls me aside and tells me that while I was at church, my mom passed away of a heart attack. I break down crying, it finally happened. My mom, the person who brought me into this world, my best friend, the one person who understood me more than anyone else, was gone.

In these last 7 years I’ve struggled with depression, isolation, thoughts of suicide, and overall feeling like I was alone. My family, in the first years following her death, were always uncomfortable with talking about my mom. My sister hated my mom, my dad didn’t know how to react due to her actions that made their marriage fall apart, and overall my family didn’t know how to help me other than send me to therapy.

For myself, therapy didn’t work. I was already in therapy prior to my moms death because I was struggling to have a good relationship with my dad and stepmom and was also failing in school. So when my mom died it became just about my mom. After nearly 2 years of therapy, I couldn’t go on just focusing on my moms death. By that point I was spending most of my time with my best friend. He would be here to listen to me as I would break down about my mom, with my frustrations with my family about not letting me actually talk about my problems openly, about my feelings of isolation. He became my outlet. And it honestly helped me cope with my depression.

I share my story because I want people to know that there is always someone there to help you in your struggle. Maybe for you it is a therapist, or your friend, or family. I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here today if if wasn’t for my friend being there for me when I needed someone to be. Since then can say my mental health is a lot better. I still struggle with my depression from time to time, but I’ve been making a better effort to improve my life.

In the last few years I have met the love of my life, started my career, got engaged, moved out of my dad and stepmoms house, all things I never thought I would do. As I’ve gotten older I can now speak more openly with my family about my issues. And I am forever grateful for the sacrifices everyone in my life has made for me. Even when I was hating my life and blamed my family for not being there, they always were. Just not in the ways I was expecting.

So I end my story with this, my moms death changed my life forever. I still struggle with the fact that she��s gone, and I don’t think that will ever go away. But knowing I’m not alone makes all the difference. If any of you are going through something and feel like you have no one to talk to, lll be there to hear your story and help as much as I can. I don’t want anyone to have to feel alone or that no one understand their struggle. I hope you guys are all well and I’m always here to talk. Thank you

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itsnotresilience · 4 years

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How I Talk About Trauma

Inspired by early 2010 essay “why me and why now”

I recently mentioned to friend that I have nearly 30 years worth of memoir essays stashed mostly in expertly hidden journals and spiral bound notebooks throughout my home. I hadn’t ever really mentioned to anyone, really, ever. I have/had no intention of ever doing anything with my often rambling stories mixed with poetry and observation. This friend gave me just enough encouragement and expressed just enough curiosity that I decided to go back and see if I had enough to cobble together a cohesive creative memoir piece.

I’m not the sort of gal who thinks people are all that interested in reading about my life. I’m afraid of their judgment and wonder how easily my style of oversharing and conversational prose will sit with them. I do know that people are interested in hearing my stories. I’ll often make some self-deprecating comment in passing, only to find myself explaining my comment through some story about a personal traumatic event. In these moments, I’m at my most vulnerable, letting people in to see behind the curtain, hoping for their empathy and secretly desiring that they find inspiration in the “Meghan then versus Meghan now” of it all. There’s an additional must mention element to sharing our stories that didn’t exist to the same extent when I wrote the essay that inspired this one and definitely was an issue for the vast majority of my other still-buried writings, social media. The proliferation of social media and the encompassing issues around what we share, how we share, who sees it and any potential impacts can’t be ignored. The fear of the judgment and ugliness of the keyboard armies can’t be understated. There are people who will define you by what you share and their are people who will use your vulnerability to their advantage for whatever perverse enjoyment they get out of destroying the lives of other for attention. This is a very real fear to me as I write this now, trusting the reader with my feelings and saying always with an asterisk, this is my life as I was/am living it. This is my perspective, interpretation/reinterpretation of events that in some cases happened 30 years ago. Anyone who says they remember something exactly how it happened even 5 years ago, especially a traumatic event, well- I wouldn’t call them a liar, it’s an important piece of my thinking I’m sharing here- but I would say it’s likely someone else from their life remembers it slightly differently and recalls a drastically different set of outcomes and experiences. It’s important I mention that because so often when people publish personal essays or memoirs the colloquial “that didn’t happen that way” or “that’s not what I remember” comments almost always occur. So I say with an asterisk that this essay discusses events and feelings as I remember them, colored by my perspective then versus now and altered by my overall ability to be subjective or objective about what was going on. You may remember me differently. You may have seen me a different way than I actually felt. I may have lied to you (more on that later). I may be lying to myself (lots more on that later). I may be remembering different timeframes and my reactions and confusing them, so let’s talk about that now.

When we talk about trauma, communally, socially or even in mass media, we often hear it, see it, experience it, as a story arch. The beginning is the traumatic event/s, the middle is either the present or the immediate outcome, and the ending is either the present or the big reveal of why present person is who present person is. In the sneakiest depictions, we may not know what the real trauma story is until the very end and you find yourself pointing at the screen ( I did this last week myself) and saying, “I knew it! I knew all along that’s what really happened!” This is called the unreliable narrator. The story is told first person subjective so you are experiencing the events as the narrator remembers and experiences them and possibly not the way they happened. This leads us to feel mislead but there’s an important aspect of how our brains operate at work here. Our brains are designed to help us survive. It’s a hard wired evolutionary instinct. What that means from a trauma aspect is that the brain often finds a way to cope with trauma, whether it sudden or long-lasting trauma. That coping mechanism, often defined in the most simple terms is flight or fight. I’m not a fan of either term because experience tells me it’s not simple to know if your brain is “flighting or fighting”. You may not physically run away and you may not physically fight back. Trauma response just isn’t that simple, it’s hard for me to understand, even years later what my brain was doing and somethings I don’t recall at all or come to me in the most obscure or totally in-opportune times. I will say that what I’m about to share and most of what I share is a form of flight and this flight always makes me an unreliable narrator. Those closest to me have heard me say, likely way too many times, I do not trust myself as the narrator of my own story. That’s a sad and scary place to be. I do think my brain remembers thing in ways that make them easier for me to deal with. Repression has a way of creating a false sense of yourself and the way things were. That’s why we feel tricked as an audience. We feel we weren’t showed what really happened. The truth is we are shown almost always what some observer think happened from their perspective. We can often collect similar observations and determine a set of common descriptions and then say, we now have the factual actual occurrence but it’s still really not what happened. If we had some omnipotent recording system that was unfiltered and unedited by any human then we could potentially see what actually happened all the time but I guarantee at least one person would still pipe up and say, “that’s not what happened at all”. Anyway, as you’re reading and if you see anything that you do think happened some other way, I want to hear from you. Not so we can argue because as I just explained, I’m more likely to believe YOU than my own memories, but so we can share how we both experienced that same event.

Ok. So recently I’ve been doing some pretty deep work on managing my response to trauma. After 20+ years of therapy, I feel like an expert patient who’s finally having an “aha” moment. That moment isn’t refreshing or relieving, it can take weeks of introspection on a tiny realization for me to get anywhere with it but I guess, unluckily, I have lots of time for isolated introspection. This is another important point for my long term friends who know I have a deep fear of alone time. Not the few hours at the end of a work day alone time, but weeks or months of mostly alone time. These kinds of alone time usually send me on the dark and anxious paths of my mind and I start doing whatever I can to avoid the paths and avoid the dark, mainly because when I allow myself to live in the dark and anxiety- very bad things happen. I know that sounds ominous, but it will make much more sense later. For now, just know that being alone means putting my sanity at risk. This year made being alone unavoidable and finding a peace with that, a way to introspect, to accept my darkness and then force myself to sit with it has been my challenge.

Fairly recently, friends have been sending me podcasts, books, meditations, TedTalks, and even virtual webinar recordings focused on mental health issues. I love all of it to be frank. Not the material itself, sometimes it doesn’t really speak to me, but I love that I have that community, one that I know I fostered just by being vulnerable and shining a light on my own struggles with mental health. I wasn’t always receptive to these suggestions- I felt criticized and judged- like am I that crazy people think I need more help? Eventually I realized it’s love. Someone is sharing something that helped them and frankly that’s what inspires this essay on an essay too. This helped me. You may not write but maybe just reading it will help you.

The first line of my early 2010 essay which isn’t dated until page 3 (this tells me I wrote an entire section much earlier based on content, then came back and finished it) was “why me”. This is a common thought pattern well established by a seeming luck to be unlucky. There’s years that I’ve said, maybe next year so much bad shit won’t happen, most of the time maybe slightly less shit happens but I’m likely to remember it all as constant shit anyway. I’ll remember a slightly more nostalgic time frame, only to remember, oh but XYZ happened too, so that wasn’t a good time. The difference in 2020 is everyone had a “shit what else could happen” year so it was the first time I didn’t feel so alone in that. There’s an exhaustion in one crazy whatever happening after another that I felt less alone in. That’s doesn’t mean I’m happy we are all sharing in a long term trauma event but it is less isolating to know we are in this together, even if our individual situations are different.

Any hoo, back to why me. The why me of 2009 to 2012 was cervical and ovarian cancer. The why me was quitting my MBA program. The why me was my marriage falling apart. The why me was finally, my career falling apart too. It’s still hard to talk about how I felt during that time. Most of the time, I felt nothing. In fact, I say that over and over in my 2010 essay. I felt nothing for no one, not even myself. However I know some of my friends from that time, just read that line and thought, no you were all over the place, all the time, emotionally. I felt nothing. It was like I was a walking emotion that didn’t actually exist inside. Let’s call it dissociation or flight from trauma. Things were happening, I was a walking talking person but my soul, my sense of self, were somewhere else. Without even knowing it, I glassed myself off from what was happening and didn’t feel genuine pain or sadness. I did, but really I didn’t, I really wasn’t there for it. I couldn’t today tell you what my body experienced as I just remember the raw emotional expressions but again I didn’t actually feel them. I know if you were there, you remember them too.

I spend several paragraphs talking about how much I’m hiding from everyone and how afraid I am I’ll be found out ( yup! That happened). What’s odd is I’m not sad that I’m clearly isolating myself. I see that so clearly now. My fear of rejection and abandonment created a situation where I was extremely isolated and feeling- rejected and abandoned. I read all the things I thought were good ideas in order to keep up appearances but also know all that was a total failure pretty much the entire time. I had many epic public breakdowns. There was no charade at all. I didn’t pull the wool over anyone’s eyes . Absolutely zero people thought I had my shit together. So why? Why did I hide so much that could’ve helped me get through this?!? Why did I lie to my friends and family? Why did I not ask for help, and in lots of cases, refuse help only to drop my ignored broken life shit on someone else to manage? Because I was lying to myself too.

I’ve always believed there’s a “most people” and excluded myself from this category. Not because I think I’m some extraordinary soul, just the opposite. I often think “most people” have this shit figured out and wouldn’t act this way. Well, maybe but probably not. How someone reacts to any given set of circumstances is related to how many and how bad the circumstances they’ve managed have been. What if nothing else bad had happened in my life and I had just gotten cancer in my early thirties? Hard to say how I would have managed if that had been my only big bad thing ever. Maybe I still wouldn’t have coped because I had no learned coping skills. It wasn’t my first rodeo with a big bad thing though and the coping skills I had “learned” were super effective for short term, violent trauma, but completely ineffective for long term can’t check out from life trauma. No one tells you that, by the way, no one tells you that your coping skills suck. When we hear about trauma we are so focused on outcome we rarely talk about the way there.

Page 3 of my essay is pretty bad. I’ll likely edit it out of memoir existence but a few things are clear. In January 2010 I wrote, I can’t do this anymore. Until I read this I recalled my last suicidal expression as being in 2003. This makes me doubt my narration that I only expressed suicidal depression during isolated timeframes. I want to say it’s because I didn’t want to remember I was there in 2010. The other thing very clear on page 3 is desperation. Knowing that I spent another two years in that state isn’t comforting. I wrote, “I feel desperate for love. Desperate for understanding. Desperate for stability.” Just the other day,I said that again, I just want to be and feel normal. But normal is subjective to your perspective and what I’m living could be a good and acceptable life for a good number of people. I haven’t yet learned flipping that mindset. That sense that, god damn it, this isn’t normal. If anything, social media has only made that comparison syndrome worse. The glossy beings we all present on FB and Instagram all have little bearing to our inner selves. I can never win in a comparison to a manufactured brand of someone else. That doesn’t mean I think you’re fake. It means I know I sanitize my life for public consumption so I’m fairly certain others do too. This comparison takes you out of what you’re living and into what you could or should be, so it’s also an escape, a flight from what is happening.

By page four, I’m planning, I’m planning on burning every bridge, breaking every perceived enemy, and leaving my life in ruins. I’m fantasizing about how everyone will regret how they treated me. I remember this feeling. It’s probably the only one I connect with from that time-rage. I was grieving so many things in that space but not working through it. I clearly am mad because I wrote, “fuck this life. I’m sick of all of it.” At this date, I knew I needed a plan to try to get out of everything. It felt like an emergency. I spent the next two years making every bad decision I possibly could. It’s like when there’s a fire but there’s nothing but lighter fluid, so you desperately use lighter fluid. There’s lots of things I know are in another essay for another time about 2010-2012. We have time to talk about self-hatred taking the form of destructive behavior. It’s clear my self hate was already at play here,

And this is the part I wanted to share, I forgot about this until it came up in therapy the other day. Late 2009 I had an abortion. I didn’t forget that I had it, but I told myself, and likely you a different story. A story that felt safe and relatable but I so convinced myself of that story that I knew I was lying when I talked about it to my counselor. The story is there though written on page 5 and it’s most likely the truest one. When I got pregnant, I wasn’t thinking about my diagnosis. If I told you at all that I was pregnant and lost it, I likely said it just like that. I was pregnant and miscarried. However, none of that was the truth. The truth is, I knew my marriage was over. I knew I hated my husband and our fake shared life. I knew I didn’t want to deal with him for the next 18 plus years of my life. I was also plagued by the knowledge I was too fucked up to be a good mom to anyone, likely ever. I was 100% convinced I should never have kids. In a fit of rage, I scheduled to get the pill and then purposefully planned it when my husband was out of town, I went through that by myself as some sort of sick means of punishment for all the bad things I felt I was. So here I am writing this 2010 essay and I write, “I’m a horrible human being that has no soul”. It’s important that you know, reader, I didn’t tell my husband. There’s a part of me that believes I saved that information to tell him at the moment it would most hurt (yes, I did that). That kind of rage, I don’t wish on anyone, ever.

So let’s talk about rage and trauma before I wrap this up and you all walk away disappointed at the resilient image you may have had of me until today. I don’t know if rage is fight or flight. Rage feels like an escape to me, but I was also fighting for my life. Everything felt so out of control and “happening to me”. I felt desperate to escape that and BE IN CONTROL. The lies we tell ourselves are to survive. We tell ourselves this isn’t so bad, it justified, or it will pass. What if I hadn’t lied? I will live with that regret for a long time, along with questioning my basic human decency. I am choosing to not excuse my behavior beyond saying, if you’ve ever felt that scared, desperate and full of rage you may see the desire to lash out or the desire to run away as explainable.

This last little bit may redeem me, so hold tight. You may wonder why talk about all this now. Because then is now. Not on that level of crazy messed up shit, but that girl/woman is still inside me. We are all living through a trauma, a shared one. Many of us read that sentence and think, that’s so melodramatic. It’s really not. If any of the following things happened to you in 2020 raise your hand:

Job loss/furlough/early retirement

Relationship status change

Relocation

Financial hit from work/ revenue loss

Loss of social circle

Loss of a friend/family/significant other

Severe illness/surgery/ injury/medical issues

Isolation

Not being able to go to restaurants/gyms/ or other spaces that give you joy

Anxiety over job/finances

Fear of a pandemic

Difficulty in relationships due to politics, religion or pandemic

Anxiety about the future

Cancelled/rescheduled/reimagined vacations, celebrations, holidays, life events

We really are in this together. We’ve all experienced some level of change and trauma this year. What if we chose compassion? What if I told you we can learn from our trauma? That resilience isn’t just about where I am now and everything I’ve accomplished. What if the trauma story arch finished with me, saying to you, it may take a long time to get better? What if I shared my stories with more people and told them that there’s a more successful way then just getting through and overachieving to compensate for trauma? Do you have to have some major come back to be the hero of your own story? Trauma healing is a journey. Some things take longer than others, some things you cope and have to deal with the outcome later, but it’s not punishment. It didn’t take me 10 years to rebuild my life because I deserve punishment. It took me ten years to rebuild my life because I had and still have other traumas that have come along and forced me to confront my coping mechanism. There’s no hiding and running away from me, I’m always there, getting in my own way. It’s not enough to live, I want to thrive. Thriving is about accepting and forgiving all those younger selves who did the best they could with the tool set I allowed them to have. If you give a young child a new tool, do they know how to use it or do they poke at it and bang it on things trying to figure out it’s purpose? You parents know the answer. Children are innately curious but depending on age, also short of patience. They will move on to something else if they see no use to a tool. What’s required is instruction. We learn to cope by watching those around us and I’m gonna be frank and say American culture sucks at coping. Again, it’s not about the outcome! The journey. The journey. Everyday I get up and I continue the journey. I get pissed off, saddened by setbacks, I fall into old familiar brain paths, I vent, I introspect,I forgive myself and keep trying. Stick with me, we’ll get stronger.

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