#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment
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girlivealwaysbean Ā· 4 months ago
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreakā€š not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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celestial-desiree Ā· 3 months ago
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birthday reflection šŸ’
1. acknowledge your feelings - give yourself permission to feel whatever you're experiencing
i'm a little bit sad because last year this day my best friend forgot about my birthday. and i know i have to somehow let it go, but still it makes me feel unworthy, or someone easily forgettable. i mean, it's good when people, especially your loved ones remember your birthday and want to surprise you even with just a little message. and it misses me so much. the feeling of being wanted. and appreciated. and cared about. i think this feeling will linger a little bit then i'll be normal again, i just have to feel uncomfortable to be comfortable. it's okay that you don't care about me as much as you used to. it's okay you forgot about me. maybe i wasn't even on your important ones list ever. maybe we changed a lot and our lives don't have to cross anymore. it hurts, it aches, i feel tired of loving you. you left and took away a part of me with you. you still haunt me, and i don't know what should i do. i don't know where the enjoyment has gone. oh lord, how should i forget. maybe next year it will feel a little bit lighter. or not. but i will endure it somehow and hope will guide me. in conclusion, i still love you and hold you close to my heart. i will always will, there's no worth denying that. i need to be okay with the fact that you don't really care about me anymore. and it won't always feel like this. at least there are people who care about you and remember your birthday. your parents love you, after all.
2. create a quiet space - spending the day alone, choose a peaceful environment that makes you feel comforted
3. journal/write letters - reflect on what this past year has brought and what you're carrying into the next one, write a letter to someone you're grieving or even to your past or future self
B
T
4. engage in meaningful rituals - light a candle, say a prayer, meditate
5. visit a special place - visit a place that reminds you of a person or brings you comfort
6. spend time in nature - go for a walk
7. reflect on growth and change - both the hardships and the resilience youā€™ve gained
physical health - tried to do exercises, pilates, somehow i managed to fail because i'm too tired but walked a lot
mental and emotional health - oscillating between feeling very good and very bad, can't decide what is real, i was focused on my emotions a lot and searched for the uni psychologist
relationships and social life -
career and work -
spirituality and personal growth -
education and learning -
finances - recreation and leisure -
contribution and service -
8. practice self-care - eating comfort food, taking a long shower, simply resting, watching a good film/show, remember to be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up because you feel like shit
9. set intentions for the year ahead - healing, peace, different areas of life:
physical health - stay hydrated, healthy food, 65kg weight, breast + posture exercises, 30-40 minutes whole body exercises 2x a week, 10,000 steps 5x a week
mental and emotional health - managing emotions, isolating myself only for good purposes, not to hide myself, speak of things that have hurt you, care about your friends, give them gifts on their birthdays, know and love yourself with your mistakes, write letters to yourself and journal about your feelings/situations/desires, affirmations, reminders list
relationships and social life - try to befriend a lot of people during uni, talk with people more often, ask about their lives and feelings but express yourself as well, maintain a good relationship with your parents and grandparents, ask about their lives/feelings, be there for them, also meet with your aunt, cousines, acknowledge your feelings toward your friends and what is bothering you
spirituality - meditate, yoga, breathwork, pray, show gratitude, connect with inner child, sound healing, expand consciousness, self-awareness, spread kindness, declutter at home, be in nature, relaxing baths, candles
education and learning - speak in english more often, even if your pronouncitaion is not the best, record your voice, speak to yourself, expand vocabulary, engage with news, translate favourite lyrics
finances -
recreation and leisure - concerts, music albums, films, tv series, talking with friends, family, play with animals, trips
contribution and service -
10. avoid social media
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transcendingwaves Ā· 6 months ago
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Feeling Left Behind
Itā€™s a sentiment that many of us have felt at one point or another: the feeling of being left behind. As I watch my friends and peers, I canā€™t help but notice how their lives are seemingly falling into place. Many of them are settling down with spouses and children, or are in steady relationships. Meanwhile, here I am, still trying to navigate my way through the company I joined last year. Itā€™s a struggle, both professionally and financially, as my current salary is lower than what I previously earned. The result? Iā€™m barely surviving and unable to support my parents as much as Iā€™d like.
I chose this path, telling myself that it was the best option for me at the time. I wanted a fresh start and believed that this new job would provide just that. However, reality is sinking in: Iā€™m not getting any younger, and the pressure is mounting. It feels like Iā€™m running out of time, and the need to hurry up is ever-present.
Society has a way of imposing timelines on us. By a certain age, weā€™re expected to have achieved specific milestones: a stable career, a family, financial security. When our personal timelines donā€™t align with these societal expectations, itā€™s easy to feel inadequate or left behind.
But hereā€™s a reminder I constantly give myself: everyoneā€™s journey is unique. Comparing our paths to othersā€™ is a natural tendency, but it can be detrimental to our mental health and overall well-being. Each of us moves at our own pace, and thereā€™s no universal timeline that we must adhere to.
Changing jobs always comes with its set of challenges. Adjusting to a new company culture, understanding the dynamics, and proving oneself all over again can be daunting. Financial strain adds another layer of stress. Itā€™s disheartening when you feel like youā€™re not making progress or, worse, regressing. The added pressure of not being able to help your parents as much as you want can be particularly heavy, especially when youā€™ve been able to do so before.
When I made the decision to switch jobs, I believed it was the right choice for me. It was supposed to be a fresh start, a new chapter that would lead to better opportunities. Even though it hasnā€™t turned out the way I hoped, itā€™s important to remember why I made this choice. It was for my growth, my happiness, and my future. While itā€™s easy to focus on the negatives, acknowledging the courage it took to make that change is crucial.
Feeling left behind is a challenging and often isolating experience, but itā€™s also a part of the human condition. We all have our unique journeys, and itā€™s important to honor our own paths, even when they deviate from societal expectations. By focusing on our personal growth, seeking support, and embracing the journey, we can navigate these feelings and move forward with a sense of purpose and hope. Remember, itā€™s not about how fast you get there, but the journey and experiences along the way.
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shihozaki Ā· 4 years ago
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TW mention of anxiety
hi!! im so excited for your matchup event and iā€™ve really liked your writing style so far :) if itā€™s not too much trouble, iā€™d like to request a haikyuu male matchup please!! my name is joyce, iā€™m 17, and i use she/her pronouns. (iā€™ll message you my appearance and stuff :D )
iā€™m ISTP-T, a slytherin, and leo. my voice is pretty quiet and iā€™m just a quiet person overall when iā€™m around new people (social anxiety goes brr). i love baking, making hyper specific spotify playlists, and reading. i donā€™t really show my emotions well and i have pretty bad RBF so i usually come off as cold even when i dont mean to according to what my closest friends told me. also my self esteem goes from *i am the sexiest mf to walk this earth* to *im an ugly POS and deserve nothing* with no in between
my love language is anything tbh but especially gift giving and physical touch, even though iā€™m terrified of initiating it bc i didnā€™t really grow up in an affectionate household and i think i might be touchstarved :/. quality time is also nice since iā€™m completely down to just sit in comfortable silence with them, spending time together
in an SO, the most important thing is that they need to understand sometimes i just need time to myself. iā€™m not mad at them at all but i tend to isolate myself whenever my mental health deteriorates and i sometimes go a few days without contacting people simply bc i donā€™t have the energy to do so. whenever it does deteriorate, itā€™s usually because i just feel really down out of nowhere and it lasts 12 hours to a week.
i donā€™t really mesh well with clingy or unloyal people. i feel like iā€™d be okay if my SO focused on volleyball a lot bc i respect that they need time to work on their own things, so i wouldnā€™t say iā€™m necessarily needy in relationships. an ideal first date to me is going to an amusement park. i LIVE for the adrenaline roller coasters give me and i just think everything about it is super fun. plus it minimizes the chance for awkwardness bc thereā€™s so much to do :D (iā€™m kinda awkward around people i donā€™t click with so uh yeah)
my favorite relationship dynamic is light hearted bullying. making fun of people and getting made fun of (with love ofc) is definitely a love language, and iā€™m not taking criticism <3 but i still want to be able to talk to them about serious stuff so knowing that i can wholeheartedly trust them is big for me
my athleticism is close to zero so in the HQ universe iā€™d probably be a manager. actually, i would give ANYTHING to be able to manage a team in haikyuu so rip šŸ˜”šŸ¤š
other facts:
i have a huge caffeine addiction bc iā€™m usually tired/sleep deprived (monster energy, coffee, whatever)
i also just love coffee in general (the aesthetic, the smell, everything is *chefs kiss*)
iā€™m more of a cat person but i still think dogs are so cool
my relationship w my parents SUCK so bad
iā€™m 90% book smart (my one flex is being good at math) and 10% street smart/common sense
even though i can bake well, i canā€™t cook for sh*t unless itā€™s avocado toast which i can make surprisingly well
i can be eliminated by a single peanut
Big Anxiety bc the only way i could get approval from my parents growing up was straight As and now my biggest fear is being unsuccessful šŸ˜Ž
artists iā€™m obsessed w right now are cigarettes after sex, chase atlantic, lil peep, the 1975, arctic monkeys, conan gray, and lana del rey
i love wearing my SOā€™s clothing and all of a sudden, their closet is now ~Our Closet~
thank you so much for doing this, and i look forward to the progress youā€™ll make in writing and whatever else you choose to set your mind to <3
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Hi! Thank you for requesting! Iā€™m also a Slutherin and a Leo, happy to meet you :)
I pair you up with Tooru Oikawa!
- You guys first met when you signed up to be your schoolā€™s volleyball teamā€™s manager. Oikawa was immediately intrigued. A girl who doesnā€™t immediately faint when he waves at them? Wow.
- When he first made you smile, he KNEW he had to ask you out.
- First date at the amusement park, just like you suggested. Oikawa was a bit shocked that you enjoyed rollercoasters but that just made him more interested in you.
- Since he is the captain of his Volleyball team, and quite obsessed with the sport, he is willing to give you lots of time for yourself. He does check on you from time to time though, maybe by texting or giving a call :)
- Never makes you uncomfortable. He knows how you donā€™t do well in social situations, so he didnā€™t even tell his volleyball mates that you had started dating (of course they somehow found out later)
- Teases you SO. MUCH. Always makes some type of remark about your height and how much you drink coffee (even though he buys you coffee for Volleyball practice)
- He can always make you smile. He brings out the ā€œLeoā€ side of you often, and raises your confidence up. In return, you help him with the ā€œbook smarts.ā€
- You guys trust one another and understand each other well. Even if you guys have a ā€œsilent dateā€ (where you are reading and heā€™s watching videos of volleyball matches), you donā€™t feel any awkwardness.
- He hates it when your self esteem is low. He doesnā€™t understand how such an amazing girl could feel that way.
- Oikawaā€™s self esteem is sometimes kind of low too, so whenever you give him a motivational playlist on Spotify, he listens to it on repeat.
- Overall you guys bring out the best out of each other :)))
Scenario: When you guys talk about the future.
ā€œWe could get a cat.ā€ You suggested. ā€œA cat?ā€ Oikawa quickly wrote down ā€˜catā€™ on the list named ā€˜our futureā€™. ā€œWe need a name.ā€ You claimed. Oikawa shrugged. ā€œHow aboutā€¦ ā€˜Peanutsā€™.ā€ ā€œNo.ā€ Oikawa laughed. ā€œI think it would be ironic. Itā€™s a cute name too.ā€ You rolled your eyes. ā€œOkay, letā€™s scratch that then. What about our jobs?ā€ You asked. ā€œQuite obvious. I want to be a professional volleyball player.ā€ Replied Oikawa. He grabbed the pillow from the couch and pretended to set it, acting as if it was a volleyball. ā€œYeahā€¦ I believe you can do it.ā€ You smiled at Oikawa. Oikawaā€™s eyes met yours. ā€œWhat about you, Joyce?ā€ He questioned. You stayed silent for a bit. ā€œ.. Iā€™m not too sure. I just donā€™t want to make a mistake and choose the wrong career, you know? I donā€™t want to fail.ā€ You mumbled. Oikawa slowly moved towards you and pulled you into his arms. You immediately relaxed on him, your heartbeat going slightly bit faster. ā€œYou wonā€™t.ā€ Oikawa declared. ā€œIā€™m sure no matter what you do, youā€™ll be great. Thereā€™s so many things to choose from, Babe. Youā€™re gonna be okay.ā€ You smiled. ā€œBesides,ā€ Oikawa added with a smirk on his face, ā€œYou might not need a job if you have me as your husband.ā€
Song: Campus by Vampire Weekend
I hope you enjoyed it, thank you once again! Constructive criticism is encouraged :) I hope to see you again soon!
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nouveauweird Ā· 5 years ago
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bullshit-free guide to actually fucking writing your wip
disclaimer: this isnā€™t a fool proof method. when it comes to writing advice and techniques for productivity I say keep an open mind, but take what works for you and leave the rest.Ā 
disclaimer 02: this is more or less for people who want to eventually publish, but there may be elements in here that benefit hobby-writers.
Where & When You Write
Some people will tell you that your writing routine needs to be sacred. I donā€™t quite believe that. You can absolutely curate a space for yourself that you aim to write in, but at the same time, focusing very strongly on the ritual of writing makes it hard to create an adaptable habit.Ā 
The Writing Zone:Ā 
Your desk or table should face away from your bed, my mother always swore by that and it stuck with me. If space doesnā€™t allow for that, consider putting furniture or some partition up so you canā€™t see your bed. For some reason, this makes focusing easier.Ā 
For those of you who may be bedridden or have limited space, a good bed-desk is absolutely just as acceptable (I am actually planning to get one).Ā 
If you have a space separate from your bedroom, the follow applies as well:Ā 
Eliminate as much distraction as possible from your desk. Your experience of distraction is unique so do what you gotta do to eliminate it.Ā 
Make sure your space is well lit. Background light is essential to avoid eyestrain when staring at a screen.
Your chair should be comfortable, and support your back. Scoot your ass all the way to the back of the chair and try sitting on your thighs as much as possible to take strain off your lower spine (my chiropractor told me this).
The Writing Time:Ā 
You need to make time for your writing. Summer means the sunshine is waking me up at 5:45 AM and itā€™s too hot to doze comfortably so my ass is up and writing or reading until 7 AM when I gotta start getting reading for the day. If I have to catch the 10:15 AM bus, Iā€™ve for about 4 hours to work with between waking up and leaving.Ā 
I finished July 2019 Camp Nano by writing in the morning. And Iā€™m not even a morning person, I swear.
Make time for you writing. If you can make a routine you can stick to, excellent, if you have a handful of 5-10 minute time-pocketsā€” also okay! The 30 minutes your dinner is in the oven is just as good a time to write as any other.
How do you learn how to write in tiny time pockets, you ask, well here it is: Micro Writing Sprints and Macro Writing Sprints. The former applies to pockets of time under 15 mins, while the latter applies to pockets of time over 20 mins. All you have to do is set a timer and challenge yourself to write as much as you possibly can.Ā 
Another thing to keep in mind is knowing your personal limits. If your attention suffers and you start to wander after 15 mins, keep your sprints to 5-10 minute blocks, and give yourself 5-15 min breaks where you get up, drink some water, move your body and then come back to your writing.Ā 
How to Write More, Faster
You have to kill your inner editor. Or at least subdue them. You can fix a typo or whatever but thatā€™s really it. The idea is that you need to allow yourself to get into a mindset where youā€™re only focusing on the writing, your prose is allowed to be a mess. Insecurity and doubt have no place here, only writing.
Your first draft doesnā€™t need to be clean. You get to clean it up when itā€™s done. Stephen King says you write your first draft with the door closed, and the second with the door open, and I like that saying a lot. The revision process is actually way more fun than I thought it would be. I get to make fun of myself for my weird writing quirksā€” every single one of myĀ ā€œmost common errorsā€ in my Grammarly report is about misusing commas!ā€” and restructure and improve upon the foundation I laid with the first draft.
If you come up with something that changes something significant to your story, write a note about it, and then continue on with your draft like itā€™s been that way the whole ass time. Do not go back and change things. Just keep writing.
Learning how to do Writing Sprints allows you to quickly get into the habit of putting everything down as fast as you can without overthinking it. Because the real thinking is for later, when youā€™re revising. Essentially these Sprints enable you to get into the writing zone much faster, so feasibly you could write in small time-pockets at the bus stop, in a waiting room, on the busā€”anywhere.
Outlining will make you write faster.
Yes I am pro-outlining, please donā€™t click away because of that, because I also still think that you need to use what works for you, and if youā€™re reading this something isnā€™t working, so please keep your mind open.
The very least you should try is preparing or pre-planning what you need to write for your writing session (no matter how short). You will write more and faster this way. Most of all, you will be less likely toĀ ā€œwanderā€ around.Ā 
I wrote out a small fragment-filled paragraph of what needed to happen in the first few scenes of my July 2019 Camp Nano project and got them out more easily and faster compared to when I didnā€™t. I wrote sustainedly in 30 minute time-pockets with a great deal of focus when I prepared my writing before actually writing.
Your WIP Outline
What if your outline was also actually super connected to your character sheets? Libbie Hawker makes this sound so easy in her bookĀ ā€œTake Off Your Pantsā€ in which she broke down some very interesting ideas on how to build your characters and your story that I hadnā€™t previously considered.Ā 
What I ended up with was something like this:Ā 
CHARACTER NAME Character: write down the basics; age, career, small relevant facts Flaw: what problem do they have that hinders them External goal: the thing they want that they canā€™t get unless they overcome theirĀ ā€˜flawā€™ Ally: Ā who pushes the character toward their goal when they stray Antagonist: who has same or aligned goal, but with different motives and execution Events:
Opening scene
Inciting event
Character realizes external goal
Display of flaw
Drive for goal
Antagonist reveal
Thwart 01
Revisiting flaw
New drive for goal
Antagonist attacks
Thwart 02
Changed goal
Ally intervention
Renewed Focus
Battle
Death
Outcome
End: success or failure or neutral result with regards to overcoming ā€˜flawā€™
The stuff under theĀ ā€œEventsā€ category is stuff everyone has seen before in narrative charts, and it wonā€™t be the last time you see it either. You can use or discard or repeat them however many times you need to. I still think this plot chart that I made it great for figuring out pacing, so check that out if you need some help there.
You can also apply these to series, where the characterā€™s ā€œFlawā€ and ā€œExternal goalā€ change as the narrative progresses.Ā 
All of these parts are explained in Libbie Hawkerā€™s book, but Iā€™m happy to explain if you DM me!Ā 
I applied a central idea for my WIPĀ ā€œHyacinth Stalksā€ and all the central characters share a common idea with regards to their flaws. Hawker recommends filling in this information for all central characters, and working in which events which characters will interact in.Ā 
The common idea is that my characters areĀ ā€œholding onto the past to feel more in control in the presentā€. Juliet Shain maintains habits of maintaining a ā€œperfect athletic bodyā€ in the same way she did as a dancer five years earlier. She canā€™t exercise that same control over her mental health, which she struggles with, because of questions she has pertaining to the accident that lost her her leg remaining unanswered.Ā 
Julietā€™s ultimate goal is closure about the accident, which she wonā€™t be able to access unless she stops holding onto the past and in turn the idea that the accidentĀ ā€œruinedā€ her.Ā 
I can apply the same things to Alana Murdock, another central character inĀ ā€œHyacinth Stalksā€, who, because she could only rely on herself after her sisterā€™s murder while her parents grieved and her brother cut all contact, rejects her brotherā€™s attempt to reconnect in order to protect herself in the present despite the stress of the upcoming 10th anniversary of the Hyacinth Killerā€™s disappearance. Her goal, would be to make it to the Olympic Volleyball team, which she wonā€™t be able to do unless she stops isolating herself.
I can now approach the Events sections with more clarity because I know what the charactersā€™ goals are and what their hindrances are as well. I can apply the same ideas to the other central characters, as well as the Serial Killer and weave their stories into the narrative as well. When you have a strong character arc, you can build a strong story.
When you can answer the questions about your character(s) you can fill in those Event sections with far more ease, and begin to break those sections down into chapters, scenes, or beats, with as much or as little detail as you want. Libbie Hawkerā€™s method involves writing out paragraphs worth of scene details before actually getting to the writing. She says this isnā€™t necessary, but that for her it eliminatesĀ ā€œwanderingā€ and any doubts about what needs to be put on the page.Ā 
Personally speaking, I lie somewhere in the middle, wherein my scene outlines involve small paragraph or bullet points for what needs to happen.Ā 
Hawker has written books in 21 days, so there is definitely some magic in her method. In her book, Hawker details that creating her outline took 4 hours. When I outlinedĀ ā€œBut a Monsterā€ it took a week (5 days), and despite not having had her method then, the existence of the outline made writing the novel much clearer and focused, which my writing had not been prior to admitting I needed to give outlining a chance.Ā 
All writing advice is a tree of wisdom
Take what benefits you most and leave the rest.Ā 
I have fully taken the advice that I have attempted to explain here. I read inĀ ā€œ5000 Words Per Hourā€ by Chris Fox andĀ ā€œTake Off Your Pantsā€ by Libbie Hawker and felt incredibly inspired and motivated, but some of what they say or eschue doesnā€™t resonate with me or my craft. I have to do what works for my writing, and if Iā€™m happy with the pace the work is going at then alright!Ā 
What Iā€™ve written here is meant to give you new ideas on how to be more productive. I read the books that helped me come up with this because I felt like something was lacking in my writing routine and I had my eyes opened. I hope I have opened yours too and that your work benefits from this.
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mandysimo13 Ā· 4 years ago
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2020 has been a helluva year
I know itā€™s not technically new yearā€™s yet but since itā€™s on my mind, letā€™s do a year in review.Ā 
This year has been so fucking disorienting, in so many ways, and itā€™s hard to believe anything is real. Every other day thereā€™s new outrage, new disgust, new triumphs, new joys, new fears, new ways to cope with existence.Ā 
First we list the good from this year.Ā 
My two best friends welcomed brand new daughters into the world. I was lucky enough to spend two weeks with one of them, helping her out since her in-laws are too compromised to help and her own mother is gone. I got to see my brand new niece have her first few experiences in life, hang out with dogs, and spend lots of time with my sister-from-another-mister.Ā 
I got engaged to an amazing partner who is everything Iā€™ve wanted in a spouse. Heā€™s sweet and funny and makes me want to be a better person and work hard towards my goals. Heā€™s the most supportive of my new career path and while heā€™s not always super interested in what Iā€™m researching, heā€™s always willing to listen to me info dump when I get excited. He lets me help him and kick him in the ass when he needs it, lets me hold him when he needs it, and I never feel unloved or unwanted with him. Not to mention, the sex is really good, too, lol
Iā€™ve started working on a new career path and trying to make history my job. Iā€™ve been doing lectures on niche history and working towards making it a legitimate job and a legitimate company. Iā€™ve been gaining a following and legitimacy as I make networking connections and getting my foot in doors that will open up opportunities for me.Ā 
I have not lost anyone very close to me during this pandemic, even if a couple have gotten sick or injured. I did lose an uncle to covid, though he was 90 and was already in declining health. The other people who have caught it have so far managed to recover and havenā€™t had any obvious long lasting problems (yet *knock on wood*)Ā 
I got on anxiety and depression medication this year and it has made all the difference this year; not only with the every day stuff but with some of the pandemic craziness. I honestly donā€™t know how I would be doing, mentally and emotionally, without it. I am very very veryĀ grateful for my meds, despite the very few side effects Iā€™ve had.Ā 
Now for the bad
Every day there is something new and awful to be had. Whether itā€™s US politics continually shitting on struggling americans or murder hornets or natural disasters or covid deniers or police brutality or fear mongers or throw a dart at this bingo card from hell year weā€™ve had. Itā€™s all been fucked up and Too Muchā„¢
The isolating and social distancing, while absolutely necessary, has been exhausting and terrifying, and itā€™s been rough. Iā€™m an extrovert. I thrive around people. I miss crowds. I miss walking around through stores without freaking out about distance. I miss being able to give hugs to people other than the people I live with. I miss traveling, which was my previous job, and the students I used to expose to the world. I miss being able to actually be part of the world.
Iā€™ve been fairly lucky that my closest friends have kept small bubbles so weā€™ve been able to hang out from time to time but nowhere near as often as I need in order to feel balanced. I miss my historian happy hours. I miss movie theaters. Iā€™ve been to a few restaurants since theyā€™ve opened but itā€™s definitely not the same and I feel bad for everyone (including myself) caught between having to go out and make a living and staying home and staying safe because this countryā€™sĀ ā€œsocial safety netsā€ are a fucking joke.Ā 
And speaking of those safety nets, Iā€™m on unemployment. For the first time in my working life Iā€™m cashing in those tax dollars and all Iā€™m entitled to is $450 a month. Thank fucking god I live with family and donā€™t need to pay rent. Thank fuck that my dad pays for our internet and majority of our food. Because aside from a few donations for my services every month, I **just** have enough to cover my few bills. This has been my poorest fucking year and you know what the kicker is?Ā 
It was supposed to be my most profitable. This was supposed to be my busiest year for tour work since I got into the business. I missed out on so much money, so many work experiences, so many opportunities because of this fucking plague. And because our government couldnā€™t get their shit together. Because people fucking suck and theyā€™re selfish and they decided their convenience was more important than safety. And those people are still fucking denying itsĀ ā€œthat big a dealā€ and denying the need for a vaccine. Iā€™m so tired of hearing people say that covid is a hoax or overblown or whatever the fuck. Iā€™m tired.Ā 
In lieu of being around people, like most of you, Iā€™ve taken to being on social media more. More zoom calls, more video chats, more messenger chats, and more facebook groups. And what Iā€™ve found is that living almost entirely on the internet is doing something fucking awful to us: weā€™re forgetting thereā€™s real people on the other side of the screen. Weā€™re forgetting that humans are complicated beings, both capable of goodness and shittiness and weā€™re focusing too much on the bad because it is often louder than the good. Iā€™ve seen so much infighting and gatekeeping and nastiness between people who are supposedlyĀ ā€œon the same sideā€ in every group from political to fucking memes. Like. Itā€™s ridiculous and tiresome and it makes me want to clunk heads together. Or leave earth for awhile.Ā 
Just. All in all, this year has been hard. There have been highlights but for the most part everything is so heavy and dark and I feel like as a society nothing is actually getting better. I donā€™t have a lot of hope for 2021. I am not encouraged by what Iā€™ve seen this year and how people insist on behaving and treating each other. I fear that 2021 is going to be worse before it gets better.Ā 
But hey. At least Biden won (donā€™t get me started, he was not my first choice) and I get to marry the love of my life in October next year.Ā 
And, if weā€™re really lucky, weā€™ll be able to celebrate with our friends.Ā 
Hereā€™s to 2021, hopefully youā€™re not a giant suck salad.Ā 
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zen-garden-gnome Ā· 5 years ago
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REALLY investigating the debate over vaccines (from a lay-personā€™s perspective).
I want to unravel some things about the vaccination debate, following days of research into the matter. It wasnā€™t enough for me to know how I felt, already. I didnā€™t think my personal relationships had to suffer maximally in order for me to live honestly. So I decided to dig in and make myself more knowledgeable, and to let myself empathize with more people. There was so much to cipher through and it took so much time that I had to take notes to help keep things connected. The process reminded me that the internet is not as easily traversed for all its users, and that in the end, the ā€œvibeā€ one picks up decides a lot of what weā€™re willing to follow any deeper (particularly, whether or not we even notice a ā€œvibeā€ in the first place). Zooming way out also reminded me of just how many ā€œentry pointsā€ there are for this subject, and helped me empathize with a lot of people. It turns out, ā€œanti-vaxxerā€ is a term applied to people across a pretty wide range of subtly differing perspectives. I think we can all agree that the despair and disgust and distrust the world is experiencing wonā€™t improve if we canā€™t get our attention back, ā€˜cause thatā€™s largely what this is about. We are inundated with so much manipulative information that we struggle to steer our attention toward the core values that we mostly share, which takes us further and further away from each otherā€™s realities. We know less and less about each other but think we know so much more because weā€™re surrounded by manipulative/self-preserving chatter.
I wanted to cut through the noise and show where some things connect, and where some others only appear to. For anyone who knows thereā€™s a lot going on but doesnā€™t know where to begin approaching it. For anyone who feels on the fence in any way. For anyone who feels isolated by their view of the circumstances. For anyone who struggles to understand why so-and-so would think such-and-such. For anyone who thinks they already know. For anyone with even a passing curiosity. And of course, for myself. Iā€™ve worked to collect and organize this for all and anyone. I do my best to stay objective without pretending I donā€™t have my own opinions. My research wound up focusing on a few key people and their research, the theories that have arisen, the science used to address them, and the demographics who are the most moved by it all. This is an entire research paper and I had no idea it would go this far when I started.
Judy Mikovits is a former medical researcher and current anti-vaccination advocate. She has some valid criticisms of how the US government handled the release of treatments for HIV and for the poor ways people treat their immune systems. She claims in her book (and in a viral video that recently hit the internet at the kick-off of the COVID-19 pandemic in the US) that Anthony Fauci barred her from continuing her research at the National Institute of Health (he denies this). She refers to the COVID-19 pandemic in quotes ("pandemic"), refuses to wear face masks, and discourages others from doing so because she thinks that taking care of oneā€™s own immune system and cleanliness is all she should need to do, by her own words. Vaccines (and just temporarily breathing in more of oneā€™s own carbon dioxide) arenā€™t worth the risk, she says. Mikovits has spoken at numerous anti-vaccination events and her retracted papers are frequently referenced in their propaganda (and thereā€™s no denying itā€™s propaganda).
When she was a virologist and medical researcher, Judy started working to uncover viral causes of diseases when she was hired by a couple whose child had ChronicĀ Fatigue Syndrome and wanted to find the cause. The work she published in Science magazine about proposed retro-viral causes of CFS in 2009 was retracted when peers from 9 separate labs failed to get the same results and negated her findings (and when two of her co-authors reported that their patient samples had been contaminated by the virus in the lab, as opposed to the virus already being in the samples). Two years later she was fired from her job over the quality of her work and control of her lab samples, which seems relevant considering the apparent reason why her 2009 results were supposedly wrong. She was arrested and tried for stealing lab equipment and documentation when she left. She returned some of the lab notes and the criminal charges were dismissed.
Judy continues to reference her outdated research to this day (the research about specific retroviruses causing some specific diseases). Now sheā€™s using her debunked data to fire up her main argument: that up to 30% of modern vaccines are ā€œcontaminatedā€ with retroviruses and the government is trying to cover up a dangerous problem with its vaccines, putting everyone at risk (especially young children who get a large host of vaccines in a relatively short period of time).
This was where I knew I had to learn more about how viruses and vaccines interact with our bodies. A retrovirus is commonly called an RNA virus, which is a virus that uses a host cell to replicate its viral RNA as DNA. This is the opposite of what DNA viruses do, which is to use the host cell to replicate their DNA as RNA. An RNA/retro-virus also has a type of enzyme that allows it to insert its new DNA into the host cellā€™s DNA. This altered genetic information can lead to increased erroneous cell production, which increases the likelihood of developing cancer and other diseases depending on where the viral DNA is injected into a host cellā€™s DNA. Whatever gene is changed may cease to function, leading to disease. For example, HIV is a retrovirus that results in a syndrome that makes one prone to all kinds of diseases.
As it turns out, some vaccines do contain retroviruses! And it also turns out that thatā€™s ok. Sometimes thatā€™s part of the genetic material virologists are working with. Some of our vaccines are only possible with that genetic material. The presence of a retrovirus doesnā€™t necessary do anything to the vaccine. The vaccinations donā€™t infect patients with retroviruses because the retroviruses found in the vaccine are non-infectious. Itā€™s an extremely important part of how a good vaccine functions. Viruses can cause diseases, but vaccines donā€™t contain live infectious material. Thatā€™s why there were no reported issues with retroviral infection by our vaccine safety systems (systems that exist because vaccines have never been perfect and always have some potential for side effects, so their risk factors are studied thoroughly). When the technology was available to investigate the retroviruses previously unknown to have existed in the MMR vaccine, they were confirmed to be non-hazardous.
Mikovits is clearly a knowledgeableĀ professional in her field and has some valid opinions/points about health, medicine, and federal failures. But her identity seems to be wrapped up with the debunked research that changed her career, and no professional knows everything, even in their field. The wrongness isnā€™t my concern. Itā€™s what sheā€™s doing with it, and the fact that sheā€™s ignoring the research negating her old findings.
KentĀ Heckenlively is the co-author of Judy's new book, and an anti-vaccination activist. The fact that he's also a lawyer really stands out to me. The founders of the Westboro Baptist Church (the "God Hates F*gs" group) are ex-lawyers who use their offensive protests to rile people up and then sue them for "hindering their rights." It's how they make their money. Anyway, Kent is co-founder of a group called Age of Autism, which claims to be dedicated to helping kids and families with autism. But as you can probably tell by the name of the group, they're much more concerned with the fact that they perceive a dangerous uptick in autism statistics (an issue thatā€™s related much more to the evolving access and categorization of statistics and disorders than anything else). Age of Autism doesnā€™t actually tend to involve people on the autism spectrum in their work (other than to use them as examples), and their focus is not on helping (or even understanding) those with autism, but on getting rid of autism--as if the spectrum of conditions related to autism was a single ā€œdisease,ā€ and as if itā€™s unacceptable that people exist with those conditions (more on that later).
As autism has increasingly become a recognized "condition," it's diagnosis has become more common, and because it's really only diagnosed based on social behavior, it may go unnoticed prior to ~18 months, if itā€™s noticed at all. Many more people live "on the spectrum" than we ever know (did you know Sir Anthony Hopkins is also on the spectrum?), and before it was more widely recognized, we had all kinds of names (and institutions) for people living with more severe effects. Kent's daughter was diagnosed with autism at around the age that she got some of her vaccines, which led the distraught father to believe it was vaccine related. Sometimes people do have mild reactions to vaccines (nothingā€™s perfect), and I can understand parents being scared and hurt for their children. I can also understand questioning various authorities. We know good and well that governments use poisons (Agent Orange in Vietnam), diseases (smallpox in the colonies, syphilis at Tuskegee), and vaccines as playing cards in their efforts to control people/power (we saw it again when Trump tried to get exclusive rights to the Coronavirus vaccine being researched in Germany). But lots of people see ā€œThing 1 Happens, Thing 2 Happens After, Which Must Mean Thing 1 Caused Thing 2.ā€ Unsurprisingly, people can develop identities that revolve around getting rid of the "disease" of autism.
But Autism is not a disease. Autism is an umbrella term for a range of neuro divergences (to be diagnosed you have to hit like... 4 out of a possible 15 some-odd behavioral checkmarks), and issues like those relate to aaaallll sorts of things. Things that people with autism talk about often. If anti-vaccination organizations actually advocated for people with autism, theyā€™d let people with autism advocate for themselves. Because people with autism do self-advocate, and they take umbrage with groups like Autism Speaks and Age of Autism. People on the autism spectrum often have lots to say about the agendas of these groups and the resources that are taken from the those who actually need them. From the Autistic Self Advocacy Network: ā€œWhile no link exists between autism and vaccines, of greater concern is the willingness of those who promote this theory to suggest that exposing children to deadly diseases would be a better outcome than an autistic child. Vaccinations do not cause autism ā€“ but the use of autism as a means of scaring parents from safeguarding their children from life-threatening illness demonstrates the depths of prejudice and fear that still surrounds our disability. Autism is not caused by vaccines ā€“ and Autistic Americans deserve better than a political rhetoric that suggests that we would be better off dead than disabled.ā€
Folks on the spectrum sometimes have lots to say about the toxic living conditions of their childhoods, too. About neglect and abuse and trauma. Itā€™s important to keep in mind that the behavioral issues tied to autism are also the behavioral conditions often tied to things like PTSD and ADHD, both of which relate to life events/patterns. As a teacher, Iā€™ve learned a lot about the links between developmental/behavioral problems and the (dis)ability of parents to respond to their children based on their childrenā€™s needs (rather than primarily on the parentā€™s own traumas). For young children, especially with any kind of special need (a very broad term), simply navigating through a world thatā€™s inflexible with their needs can be traumatic. Our environmental conditions can even effect how our genes are expressed over time (literally, sometimes time IS the trigger for gene expression). Everything is born out of its environmentā€”out of our food, our water, our sense of security, our parentsā€™ genes, everything.Ā 
Which brings me to one of the biggest stories in the vaccination debate: that of Hannah Poling. I bring this up because this is the one I was most familiar with, and the one I empathized with the most--particularly because there was a court case related to it. When she was 19 months old, she received 5 vaccines, and two days later her parents reported new behaviorā€”lethargy, irritation, and fever. Months later, she was diagnosed with mitochondrial enzyme deficit (MED), which means the conditions she displayed were also contained within the autism spectrum. Her parents successfully sued for compensation under the Vaccine Injury Compensation Plan, a program started by the federal government to address public concerns of vaccine safety in light of the noise raised by anti-vaccination groups in the 80s. However, MED is an autosomal recessive disease, which means both of Hannahā€™s parents had to carry the gene in order for her to get it. She already had it, and either it hadnā€™t expressed itself yet, or her parents hadnā€™t noticed (or reported) the symptoms so early in her development. Indeed, the Poling case only claimed that her vaccines exacerbated her symptoms, but this raises 4 important points: 1) Thereā€™s no evidence that this is possible, and not because ā€œno oneā€™s looked.ā€ 2) We should really think critically about whether or not we should withhold treatment for diseases like smallbox and whooping cough under the unfounded notion that some vaccines may exacerbate existingĀ conditions, 3) under-reported is the fact that Hannah presented other immunological challenges prior to her vaccinations,Ā  and 4) despite a popular claim made by anti-vaccination groups, thereā€™s actually no evidence that multiple simultaneous vaccines can overwhelm an immune system.
That last one was really important to me, because I had read years ago that a childā€™s immune system was potentially too underdeveloped to handle so many vaccinations. The notion seemed logical enough, and I felt awful for parents who had these real fears. But it turns out, the immune system of an infant has the potential capacity to respond to thousands of vaccines simultaneously. It has to! Babies are RAW, lol. And it turns out, medical researchers can be pretty damn thorough, so they knew this well before they were delivering grouped vaccines to toddlers. And while the number of vaccines given to children has increased, they contain even fewer antigens than they used to thanks to medical improvements.
But I have another name. Andrew Wakefield was stripped of his medical license in Britain and came to America, where he became a prominent anti-vaccination activist. He published findings in Britain in the mid 90s that claimed that measles (and ā€œthereforeā€ its vaccine) caused Crohn's disease, but peer research failed to repeat his findings and his claims were subsequently debunked. After shifting his focus to the measles vaccine and autism, he wound up leaving the school of medicine where he worked (under ā€œmutual agreementā€ at the school's request), because he repeatedly refused to re-attempt the research which had formed the basis of his initial claims. Andrew moved to America to continue pushing his theory that measles and its vaccine caused autism, despite already admitting that it was "not proved." He's barred from practicing medicine in the UK and is not licensed in the US.
I bring up Wakefield because the fuss he raised lead scientists and doctors to look into these claims. It makes sense for these potential issues to matter to the medical community, after all. All resulting work refuted any connections between autism and these vaccines. Luckily, this work also looked into some other claims about vaccines, too, such as the concern that mercury in vaccines could cause autism or other conditions. Ethylmercury is used in the preservative thimerosal, which prevents bacterial growth in vaccines. Methylmercury (the mercury found in fish) can be highly toxic to people, while ethylmercury clears more quickly from the body--so quickly that the small quantities used in vaccines don't have time to build up or cause any problems, other than the possibility of a red rash at the injection site (and the fact that, inevitably, some people are allergic to it). However, given the rising concern in the late 90's and gradual improvements in medical science, the use of ethylmercury in vaccines was reduced in 2001, and for childhood vaccines was completely eliminated. Despite this, it remains a popular concern.
There are so many other people and cases and theories, but these seemed to be the big ones.
...But thereā€™s one more variable I need to dissect: The general focus on eradicating autism, as opposed to supporting the autistic. Parents and their supporters are trying to find the right thing to do. Itā€™s their earnest desire to overcome the problems theyā€™ve been led to see, and their energy is being funneled away from them and used against all our best interests. (Perhaps itā€™s worth considering, too, where everyone elseā€™s energy is being funneled these daysā€¦) For me, this is the variable thatā€™s hardest to talk about, because it asks people to look at their own shadows with acceptance and forgiveness.
The development/behaviors of people on the spectrum arenā€™t necessarily ā€œwrong,ā€ but weā€™re subtly and explicitly told to see them this way. Many of these behaviors/developments are very natural responses to toxic/inhumane social and environmental conditions and expectations (some of them are even specifically considered evolutionary pros, traits that help people survive these environs), albeit at times difficult to interact with and other times self-destructive. Everything has extremes. And between environments and genetics, parents arenā€™t always able to recognize the myriad little things that might contribute to developmental and/or behavioral issues. Since so many of these things lie on the autistic spectrum, ā€œautismā€ becomes a target in and of itself. Parents may see their children as victims of a toxic world, and they may see themselves as strong shoulders under (secretly) unwanted circumstances. Many parents also feel that ā€œno good parent would ever feel that way, so I donā€™t either.ā€ This kind of inner conflict is incredibly difficult for people to deal with, but the truth is, conflicting thoughts and emotions are perfectly normal. Emotions are valid and thoughts donā€™t define us. Both are fleeting. Feeling like weā€™re not ā€œallowedā€ to feel conflicted makes us feel guilty/bitter/both. (Tested by Godā€ and ā€œblessed by Godā€ have the same ring, sometimes.)
Some parents also experience guilt/bitterness over the possibility of being part of the environmental/genetic (especially genetic) circumstances that contributed to a childā€™s disorders. Or, guilt over having been unable to bring them into an accepting or supportive society. Plus the guilt over being sometimes unhappy with the resulting circumstances of oneā€™s life. Guilt. Frustration. Bitterness. Sour grapes. Saving someone else from this ā€œburdenā€ and future children from sharing in this ā€œunacceptableā€ situation becomes a righteous cause. Furthermore, in finding the person/thing to blame, theyā€™d finally be allowed to express all that despair and frustration. The emotional attachment and roiling undercurrent is very attractive to manipulative individuals. I see it happen a lot, and I see people with autism talking about it. My heart truly aches for everyone going through this. But none of this helps the person on the spectrum. Nor does it help the well-meaning parent.
Maybe parents and supporters wouldnā€™t be so desperate about and fearful of autism (and vaccines) if having a child with special needs wasnā€™t so isolating. Maybe if our communities, institutions, and organizations focused on empowering and supporting the vulnerable, on creating equity where ever possible, autism wouldnā€™t be so overwhelming and wouldnā€™t even be as common. Maybe if we responded to people on the autism spectrum (and everyone else) as they are, instead of how we want/expect them to be, then the whole situation would change entirely.
In my research and personal interactions, the common thread among those who question the overall value and trustworthiness of vaccines is that of a ā€œdark worldā€ full of ā€œbad people.ā€ Things are so dark, apparently, that the global medical and scientific community is less trustworthy than the few who disagree with it on this particular issue. Is it any wonder? Our culture is exploitative and manipulative, and lays out a set of requirements for human value that even the neurotypical struggle to meet. We all hurt! Weā€™re all wary! And of course we are!
But it turns out, much of the darkness we see in the world relates to what weā€™re looking for (or at the very least, what weā€™re trained to look for). In an age of endless, algorithmically-driven ā€œinformation,ā€ itā€™s very difficult for many folks to navigate, discern, and prioritize--especially when itā€™s a personal issue, making it easy to exploit our emotions. The machine keeps us fearful and hungry and separate, but perhaps we shouldnā€™t despair over that. After all, the active effort to keep us fearful and separate reflects our underlying nature to work together, to connect, and to grow.
Researching all this was complicated. Lots dead-ends, seemingly believable stories from once-trusted professionals, self-referential content, emotionally manipulative content, questionable authorities (authority is always questionable), and a shit-ton of complicated medical research. This is the amount of research it took for me to pick through everything. Itā€™s no joke.
And that brings me back to the present. To the stuff happening right now. Areas surrounding anti-vaccination communities are seeing a drastic rise in diseases that had been long gone before the anti-vaccination craze. Not everyone is equally susceptible to pathogens, and our willingness to receive imperfect but well-researched vaccines is about everyone else in all communities, not just ourselves. No matter what anyone chooses to believe about the ā€œsourceā€ of COVID-19, itā€™s disabling and deadly and highly contagious, and just because it may not be highly visible in someoneā€™s community doesnā€™t mean itā€™s not ravaging other communities. As for uncertainty over the Coronavirus being ā€œreal,ā€ if a person is only willing to believe resources calling for them to be angry and afraid and suspicious of everyone else, it seems to me that one would have to investigate their own worldview, along with oneā€™s view of themselves and their own shadows. If one sees the world as inherently bad and humans as inherently fucked, that relates to how one feels about oneself and an incomplete notion of the lives of other people. That is the perspective of a traumatized person. Self isolation is deadly, so we ought to be wary of things that seek to isolate us. These self-isolating notions are fed back to us by the algorithms guiding our internet activity, keeping our behaviors predictable and controllable. We keep clicking and returning, fed by a sense of tragic righteousness, by the same programs designed to keep people coming back to slot machines. The internet is not a neutral entity because it functions in a capitalist, undemocratic state. It must be used carefully. The book Team HumanĀ by Douglas Rushkoff highlights the nature of these algorithms and the systems which use them. But more importantly, it also highlights the things about humans that make us lovable and forgivable. The things that make it possible to manipulate us in the first place. Thereā€™s a lot of wild shit going on, but itā€™s not happening becauseĀ ā€œhumans are bad.ā€ Itā€™s happening because we live in an age forcibly ruled by the most self destructive culture/ideology on the planet. Itā€™s the ideas, not the species. That means we have work to do. Inner work.
Sources:
https://speakingofresearch.com/2019/04/24/celebrating-world-vaccination-week-pt-3-the-post-wakefield-fallout/
https://www.pennlive.com/nation-world/2020/05/who-is-judy-mikovits-and-what-does-she-have-to-do-with-anthony-fauci-and-the-coronavirus.html
https://vaxopedia.org/2018/12/29/are-vaccines-contaminated-with-retroviruses/
https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/nejmp0802904
https://autisticadvocacy.org/2015/09/asan-statement-on-gop-primary-debate-comments-on-autism-and-vaccination/
https://autisticadvocacy.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/First-Hand-Perspectives-on-Behavioral-Interventions-for-Autistic-People-and-People-with-other-Developmental-Disabilities.pdf
https://sciencing.com/differentiating-rna-dna-viruses-4853.html
https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2020/03/a-fake-pandemic-antivaxxers-are-spreading-coronavirus-conspiracy-theories/
https://www.thechildren.com/health-info/conditions-and-illnesses/q-vaccine-safer-getting-real-disease
Also so much Wikipedia.
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meditationsfromthethirdrail Ā· 4 years ago
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Polarization
There is a widespread perception that the U.S. has become as polarized, politically, as it has ever been.Ā  A careful consideration of America history suggests thatā€™s not actually true, but I understand the sentiment and I often feel it myself.Ā  Being retired provides me with an inordinate amount of time to ponder this problem and to try to make sense of it.Ā  Itā€™s become something of an obsession.
I like to mix it up a bit in social media - primarily Facebook - with persons opining on various social ills and political agendas and especially those blindly sharing fact-challenged propaganda, both from the left and right.Ā  Iā€™ve stayed away from Twitter, which by design strictly prohibits posts from being long enough to contain meaningful reasoning.Ā  I like to save Instagram for pretty photos of flowers and birds and vacations.Ā  But Facebook seems a reasonable forum with enough content flexibility to present ideas with some depth to them.Ā  Social problems are inherently complex and nuanced, as evidenced by the fact that most of those problems have persisted, in one form or another, throughout human history.Ā  Individually and collectively we often find ourselves in situations where there is no perfect, right answer or solution - certainly not one that can be summarized in a tweet.
Our response to dealing with COVID-19 is a good example.Ā  There are enormous difficulties, economic and otherwise, with isolating ourselves from one another, and another set of bad outcomes resulting from not doing that.Ā  The tendency, it seems, judging by most of the dialogue we see in social media (and most other media) posts and comments, is for people to take ideological positions, cherry-pick supporting facts (or worse, supporting falsehoods), and promote extreme positions.Ā  ByĀ ā€œextremeā€ I mean positions that ignore the truths that are quite often inherent in opposing positions.Ā  Again using the debate over proper responses to the COVID-19 pandemic as an example, most people who originate or share political posts on Facebook seem either to be solidly of the opinion that isolation, shut-downs, masks, etc. are good policy, or theyā€™re of the view that all those measures are counterproductive or even unAmerican.
Most people instinctively understand that neither of those views is exclusively correct, but people who are in the middle tend not to weigh in as often, perhaps because their confusion about the solution makes them feel that they donā€™t have anything meaningful to say.Ā  I think those voices should be heard much more often than they are.Ā  I feel like I have one of those voices, and thatā€™s why I feel a responsibility to try to make myself heard.
Following is my approach to analyzing sociopolitical issues - that is, issues that can be addressed, at least in part, through government action or some other form of collective action by citizens working towards a common goal.Ā  First, I try to understand whether and how the issue can or should be addressed by the government.Ā  That question is itself a polarizing one.Ā  Conservative ideology contains mistrust of government, especially Federal government, whereas liberal ideology contains high expectations that the government should intervene to address most social ills.Ā  Neither of those views is inherently correct.Ā  One of the the biggest challenges politicians face, when theyā€™re focused onĀ ā€œdoing the right thingā€ and not just getting elected, is deciding what the best role of government ought to be in tackling specific issues.Ā  It should be obvious that the government is not the right institution to deal with some issues (the establishment of religion, for example) but it is the right institution to deal with some other issues (the defense of the nation against an outside military force, for example).
When I attempt to discern the proper role of the government, I avoid starting with the ideological answer.Ā  Instead I try to look at it pragmatically.Ā  Why is (or is not) the government equipped to deal with the particular issue in question?Ā  Can government be effective?Ā  Can government be efficient?Ā  How will government fund its involvement?Ā  What other institutions can or should be involved?Ā  Whatā€™s the ultimate cost to society, economically and otherwise, to having the government more or less involved?Ā  The calculus involved to answer these questions is exceedingly complex; nevertheless thatā€™s what politicians ought to spend their time debating, and their debate should always begin with a careful gathering and consideration of relevant facts, dismissing ideology in favor of rationality and consultation with experts to the fullest extent possible.Ā Ā 
One time when I still had an active professional career, I was in Utah to give a presentation to the board of directors of a financial institution.Ā  One of the directors was a former U.S. senator from the state, and I happened to be seated next to him when the board convened for lunch.Ā  When he learned I resided in Pennsylvania, he asked me what I thought about the reelection chances for a well-known senator from my state who had recently switched his party affiliation.Ā  That led to a discussion about certain economic policies, during which the senator delivered the low-tax mantra familiar to anyone who has ever listened to a Republican politician for more than a few minutes.Ā  My response to him was that I had never understood why the White House, Congress and the Senate didnā€™t decide about the appropriate level of income taxes by first deciding a) how much does it cost the government to do the things that everyone agrees it needs to do, and b) what else is the government better equipped to do than is any other institution or group of individuals or companies, and how much does that cost?Ā  The answers to those questions, I opined, would inform the government about how much revenue it needs to raise.Ā  Cart before horse, as it were.Ā  I thought the senator would have a ready answer but he seemed not to have ever thought about it that way.Ā  Probably, I surmised, because he was more of an ideologue than a pragmatist.Ā  Reducing taxes is Republican dogma if anything is.
Letā€™s return to the issue of the proper size and scope of government, which is a major bone of contention between conservatives and liberals.Ā  I can think of numerous Republican friends whose belief that big government is wasteful, inefficient and disrespectful of individual liberty is perhaps the main driving force (among the forces that involve reason and not just culture, tradition and emotion) behind their party affiliation.Ā  A strong preference for low taxes is a closely correlated issue.Ā  I think itā€™s safe to say that almost everyone distrusts the government about some things if not many things.Ā  Liberals also believe that big government is a problem, just in different ways - for example, too much spending on the military.Ā  Thatā€™s a whole other issue in its own right and I donā€™t want to veer into a tangent here, but the point is that everyone wants limited government, and our Constitution is clearly designed to handcuff government overreach.Ā  Where should the lines be drawn, to the extent they arenā€™t clearly spelled out in the Constitution, as potentially amended?
First I want to say to my liberal friends, it is true that the government is often wasteful and inefficient, and not just in the area of military spending.Ā  Who hasnā€™t complained about long lines or call waiting times at government agencies?Ā  Who hasnā€™t been affected by some kind of government error or bureaucratic hassle?Ā  Who hasnā€™t heard tales of certain government employees and contractors being underworked and (seemingly) overpaid?Ā  When my father died and my mother required constant care because she was disabled by Alzheimerā€™s disease, I spent many, many hours dealing with the Veterans Administration to obtain certain benefits for her, so I know first-hand what a nightmare that can be.Ā  Because we experience these things, itā€™s easy for us to conclude that government is bad, or at best a necessary evil.Ā Ā 
But I ask my conservative friends who are particularly inclined to seize on the flaws of government as a reason to dislike government generally, are the alternatives to government necessarily better?Ā  Many conservatives and libertarians contend that government ought to be run like a business.Ā  Indeed, I used to be a big proponent of that theory.Ā  Certainly if government were run like a business, it would be more likely to cut dead weight and strive for cost-effective delivery of services, because thatā€™s how it would survive, fiscally.Ā  At some point in mid-life, I heard someone whom I respected say flatly that the role of government is not that of a business.Ā  I thought about that and realized my friend was correct.
A business operates not just to provide goods and services to its customers, but foremost to earn money for its owners and managers.Ā  Thatā€™s the basis of capitalist ideology (more about that in a later blog).Ā  The government operates (or should operate) in the interests of its citizens - all of them, or as many as possible.Ā  There is no profit motive.Ā  If social security, for example, were run as a business, the inevitable result would be that a relatively small group of people would take a sizeable chunk of our FICA taxes for themselves, and everyone else would either receive lower payments or they would pay higher taxes for the same benefits.Ā  Thatā€™s basically what insurance companies that sell annuities do - they take their cut first.Ā  Iā€™m not being critical of insurance companies - annuities have a proper role in the personal finances of many people.Ā  But annuities are not affordable for many.Ā  The fact that our health care system is operated for profit to a much greater degree than are the health care systems of substantially all other developed nations is a primary reason why U.S. per capita health care costs are so much higher than those of substantially all other developed nations - about double the average, in fact.Ā  Again, health care is another polarizing issue, and properly the subject of a separate discussion.
Briefly, another example:Ā  letā€™s say a private enterprise, such as a mining company, turns an area of land into a toxic waste dump affecting water and air quality in the area.Ā  One necessary role of government, I would argue, is to prevent that from happening, but itĀ  does happen, primarily because of corruption, even if the corruption isnā€™t always obvious.Ā  There is usually no profit motive for anyone to clean up the toxic land and quite often the offending enterprise has conveniently gone out of business.Ā  So either the government steps in to repair the damage or we live with the negative consequences.
My point here is that although government has certain flaws, itā€™s the only prominent, powerful institution thatā€™s designed to provide for the welfare of the people as a whole rather than just those who will profit from running it.Ā  Corruption (again, a separate subject for another discussion) is the rot inside government that facilitates the generation of profit for a few at the expense of everyone else, and thatā€™s why itā€™s extremely important that corruption be rooted out at every possible turn.Ā  In a democracy, the act of voting for candidates who demonstrate disdain rather than tolerance for corruption is a critical function of voters.Ā  Ā Beyond that, as I said before, we should task our politicians to debate the circumstances and conditions under which government is the best source to provide services to citizens that private enterprise will not or can not.Ā  Based on the consensus our elected officials reach, we should be prepared to pay taxes to fund what has been deemed necessary or healthy for the citizenry as a whole.
I believe in having as small and unobtrusive of a government as we can, so I guess that makes me a conservative.Ā  I also believe in having a government that provides necessary and appropriate services for the benefit of all citizens, to the extent possible, which I suppose makes me a liberal.Ā  The fact is that these labels just muddy the water and cause us to gravitate to extremes.Ā  We need to focus on uncovering the best ways to get things done for the benefit of all the people while providing ample incentive and reward to those who make the greatest sacrifices and contributions to getting them done.Ā  Those goals are not mutually exclusive - not at all.Ā  Indeed, balancing those goals, and the roles of government, private enterprise and charitable organizations in achieving those goals, is the ultimate challenge for those who make the laws of the land.
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migleefulmoments Ā· 5 years ago
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I feel like we should go back and find their comments on how gorgeous Darren looked when he wore that "puke green" jacket. I'm sure they're out there somewhere. Funny how it's suddenly hideous bc Mia is wearing it.
I actually thought the same thing so when you wrote this I did go check Abbyā€™s and Mleigh69ā€²s blogs and nothing.Ā  No comments about his clothing at all. There were lots of the genericĀ ā€œhe looks so sad...my heart is breakingā€ nonsense and this from Abby.Ā Ā 
So I made a promise to myself recently to keep my blog focused on happy things and reasons why I believe in CrissColfer. Ā 
But today my heart is breaking and I needed to say something on the off chance that anybody that matters or has control might be listening. Ā Because I feel like I am watching one of the people I admire most in the world being stripped of his soul and I donā€™t know how much longer I can continue to watch this train wreck. (wash-rinse-repeat)Ā  Before I go on, I realize I care way too much about a person I have literally spoken to twice, for maybe, if I include the conversation he had with my friend, 5 minutes in total. Ā But I do. And the reason I care is that Darren has provided me with so much entertainment over the past 5 years and has continued to blow we away with his talent and truly believe, if allowed, the places he will go are limitless. (Oh, well as long as you think heā€™s limitlessĀ than please, speak up, bitch about what you donā€™t like about his life.Ā  Heā€™s listening)Ā  And when I feel like his talent has been sidelined and his value as a commodity has become more important, not to mention getting press and PR for his beard, a person whose name would not be known if not for him, I become enraged. So since I woke up at 3 AMĀ  (Sheā€™s been waking up and checking tumblr since 2015)Ā and made the mistake of checking Tumblr to see if he appeared, I have felt sad and angry. Ā And no this anger is not directed at Darren, I still support him 100% and cannot imagine what it must be like to live his life, it is directed at the people controlling his life and playing games with it. (Itā€™s never directed at Darren. She hates everything he does but itā€™s never his fault.)Ā 
And I want to say to the powers that be, that my voice matters and that I support him regardless of his sexuality. Ā I buy tickets, I saw How to Succeed, A Starkid Show (where literally I was the oldest person without a child), Listen Up (2x), Hedwig (2x), Elsie, Gross Indecency and Ā I have tickets to the Alan Cumming Show in February. Ā Not to mention I have seen every episode of Glee despite the fact that it suffered so much creatively and forced myself to watch AHS to support him. Ā So my voice should be heard just as loud and clear as the hand full of people who will not accept him for anything but straight. (Darrenā€™s life is a choose-your-adventure game and fans get a say.Ā  also Abby watched all of glee AND AHS so she gets extra credit).Ā Ā 
And last night was a complete and utter failure First, there was NO purpose for him being there (He attended a fundraiser...there was plenty of purpose for him being there)Ā  He was not an announced performer or presenter (People actually attend to give their support and money-I know, shocking). Ā Therefore the sole purpose was to place him on a red carpet and once again, remind us that he has a girlfriend (UGH). Ā 
And then there was the interview, which could have been worse, but it certainly wasnā€™t good. Trevor is about youth advocacy, agreed, but about LGBT+ youth and I know Darren knows that and to diminish that is to take something away from the cause. Ā And I know Darren is passionate about this cause. Ā But I am certain he was briefed before the event on how to answer questions and to steer any conversation away that may even hint that he is anything but straight (which I believe completely, the evidence is there based on his words and actions).(What kind of weird dystopian world exists in your head Abby? Who in the world wouldĀ ā€œbrief himā€ on what to say at an event? Heā€™s a grown man..he decides what he wants to say).Ā 
But what is bothering me so much isnā€™t the charade. Ā If I truly believed that this was what Darren wanted and needed and that it was good for his career, I would keep my mouth shut. B/c he is a 28 year man, and while I may not agree, he is entitled to make the decisions that he feels are best for himself and his career. (But what could he possible do to convince you? There is nothing because you rewrite, belittle, and deconstructĀ everything he does say to prove you wrong).
But instead, what we are watching is an utter and complete train wreck. Ā  We are watching a man, who has not had a project of value to focus on in over 2 months, being paraded from event to event. Ā His eyes are utterly and completely lifeless and void. Ā His smile has become so fake and sad. Ā I donā€™t see how anyone who is watching this does not see how he is being destroyed. Ā And yes, I know he has a private life, and I am thankful for that, but no matter how amazing that may be (and I agree with many who have said this over the past 12 hours, this is NOT about shipping) he is literally at an event 5 or 6 nights a week, pretending to be a person he is not, generally accompanied by a person I can tell he is not comfortable with. Ā 
So to me, last night, was a loss. Ā The only thing that was accomplished is that once again, fans that are invested and truly care about him, have been isolated.Ā  (always about Abby.Ā  The event was a Trevor Live fundraiser- it wasnā€™t a loss).
And I do ask the question, why? Ā I do believe the Darren we saw during Hedwig, was the true Darren as much as he can be while maintaining a public persona (including PR and bearding). Ā This was a man thriving, who prouldy wore nail polish, Ā was not afraid to participate in Pride and wear a sticker that said ā€œGod Mad Me Perfectā€ and to make the Col-Fur joke on a nightly basis. Ā 
I have to wonder if he was sent to Italy for7 weeks to distance himself from the Hedwig Darren to the Darren PR thinks they need to make money. Ā B/c since his return, the bearding and the PR Darren has been non-stop and it is painful to watch. Ā And it needs to stop.
Darren, I know you troll Tumblr and I know you read these things, I really hope you know that there are so many people who support and love and accept you. And maybe Hollywood is not the place for you right now, but I now Broadway would embrace you with open arms. Ā And yes, I understand there is a contract. Ā And I am not asking for you to reveal the truth or do anything that would be harmful or interfere with your personal life and relationships (regardless of who they are with). But there has to be a way that you can comply with the terms and conditions of that contract without causing serious damage to your mental health.
So I say, Bravo Ricky, Bravo PR, Bravo Fox, Bravo Ryan and Bravo Mia. Ā I hope you are all happy that you are contributing to what I see as the destruction of an incredibly talented, beautiful soul.
Off my soap box, done with my rant, I will try to go back to keeping my blog drama free, but this needed to be said.
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villlaneve Ā· 5 years ago
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Life Update (I need help)
Hey, everyone. Iā€™m sorry I havenā€™t really been active on here for quite a while. I want to explain myself. Just making this post has taken me lots of time and courage to get myself to do it but here I am.I feel hesitant to share this, as I donā€™t want this to seem like a pity party and feel like I should have higher standards for myself and should be able to do this on my own. My therapist and others have told me to be kinder to myself and cut me some slack once in a while so here I am.
I felt guilty reblogging posts on Tumblr after not having the energy to do so in a while and I wasnā€™t caught up with the shows so I punished myself by saying I shouldnā€™t be able to reblog anything. I will try to stop this way of thinking and am happy to go back to my usual reblogging after this!
Whatā€™s the problem?
Iā€™ve been suicidal and struggling with depression since I was 16. I am 23 now and feel like I havenā€™t really accomplished all that much even though my therapist tells me that fighting for mental health and the way I am doing it is progress as well. I canā€™t really work up any energy to get up out of bed everyday and when I do I feel empty and canā€™t get myself to do things I enjoy. I canā€™t remember the last time I was able to read a book. My attention span and concentration is basically non existent so I cannot even watch the few things I canā€™t get excited about. TV shows such as Killing Eve, Supergirl and other female centric shows are the few things I DO get excited over and can find the energy to enjoy. I follow the posts on tumblr about Supergirl but the last time I watched an episode was about 6 months ago so sometimes not even that excitement makes me able to focus and watch what I love. Focusing on anything feels nearly impossible.
You can imagine that applying this to every day situations it gets even worse. Iā€™ve lost my job around October and have so much anxiety and fear about applying somewhere else. Trying to get into new hobbies that could motivate me to do anything like photography or making videos on youtube is impossible without the money and right equipment. I grew up and still live in a household where if something I do isnā€™t perfect then itā€™s bad and doesnā€™t matter at all. I apply it to every action I take and am trying to actively unlearn it but so far it isnā€™t working. When a task or opportunity appears all I think about is the possibility of failing and not being good enough so I end up scared and freezing up. I do nothing. I canā€™t apply for a job or a university/apprenticeship because of that fear and have been stuck in the past few years of my life.
Why donā€™t you get a job/degree?
I want to address my university education. University in Germany is quite different than in the US. You choose a major once you start university and thatā€™s what youā€™re stuck with. I got scared after already taking a gap year right after high school and started studying something that ultimately I realized was not right for me. I convinced myself that I should just finish it and work hard and that it could be right for me. otherwise I would be a failure once again. I froze up and stayed in this path. Except eventually I stopped going to classes all together and became more and more depressed and desperate as I did not know what to do next. I donā€™t know who to ask for help and am scared to do it to begin with.
I finally worked up the courage to apply to a different major earlier this year. That opportunity fell through/I did not get the spot and now I am back to not knowing what to do. Starting another path and applying for spots even if I decide what to do is going to lead me to more freezing up and thus more complications. On top of all this there is another factor thatā€™s weighing on me.
I am in a long distance relationship and have been since I was 18. This relationship gives me a lot of strength to go on and try fighting but at the same time it is another pressure and weight on top of everything. As my girlfriend lives in the US and her plan is for me to move there, originally I was supposed to be finished with my degree at this point.Ā 
Now I am still basically at 0 and cannot move to the US in the foreseeable future. Iā€™ll have to finish a degree here for 3-4 years, find a way to see if my career path is even transferrable to the US.Ā Speech therapy is an apprenticeship here; a german system that includes school and work experience at the same time and lets you start a career after finishing it; its an alternative to a university degree in a way. I feel like the pressure of tests, writing papers and failing at a university is too much for me too handle with my mental health anyway and the only universities that offer speech therapy as a universityĀ  degree are private and cost money that I cannot afford!
We try to make things work and see eachother as often as possible but financially making a transatlantic flight work and having to pay for food, transportations etc everytime I am visiting her 1-2 times a year is getting way too much for me to pay for. Especially now that I do not have a job. Only having to do this for another year or two would have been fine but now it will be another few years before we can even think about me going there. Safe to say this is a hard situation and is putting a big strain on our relationship, financially and emotionally on both sides. Having to spend so many more years apart and not knowing how to afford to see eachother. My mental health is blocking me from finding a job to start alleviating the financial side of this at least and I am frozen in panic and fear.
Why donā€™t you get help? You can go to a hospital or clinic to treat this
I would like to add that on top of all this most of the friends I did have here are on a semester abroad or have moved out of the country all together. Despite that I am glad to have my family and the 1-2 people I see about once a month to give me comfort. It gives me a bit of levity and strength and I tried checking myself into a clinic to face my fears and mental health problems head on. However, they completely isolated me from any cellphone usage there and going outside at any time. Visitors were only allowed on weekends. I had no way of communicating with anyone aside over a landline and only in very limited time slots (that landline was broken for several days when I got there mind you). I had to scramble to somehow find a way to talk to my partner with her buying a skype international landline and even then most of our calls were spent with us trying to find a way of when we could talk the next time and being frustrated when things would not work on some days because of commitments. If there was a change of plans there was no way for me to call her and let her know something was up. Only she could call and it was anxiety inducing for both of us having no way to reach out to eachother. The people there all had their own issues and as a person who already worries about triggering other people being around very emotionally vulenrable people only and upsetting them (they told me all the things I had done wrong during a group therapy session) launched me into the worst panic attack of my life. No one checked up on me after in the clinic and I no longer felt it was the right or safe place for me and had to leave. Moreover, having a 1 days notice on when Iā€™d get into the clinicĀ  They gave me no time to prepare for these new and extreme conditions (they called me and said I have to decide on the spot if I wanted to come in tomorrow, otherwise I couldnt come into the clinic until March next year).
I am thankful to be back in the little safety net of therapy, being in the city I love with cafes and parks that can somewhat relax me and calm me down and my cousin and aunts to support me. Unfortunately, my parents put me under pressure toĀ ā€œcontributeā€ more in the household. I never know whatĀ ā€œenoughā€ is. Everday I get home and do chores I live in fear that it is not enough and will result in them yelling at me again claiming arbitrarily that what I did was not enough in their opinion. Things are tense to say the least. They want me to start something and get better with my mental health but never really offer to help me themselves and I feel lost and alone. Because of this treatment I always feel that nothing I do is good enough and I canā€™t/shouldnā€™t even try in the first place. I am never sure if the standards they set for me are too high or if I am just being whiny and weak or not good enough objectively?
What part of this is my mental health? am I just being lazy? are they right?Ā 
Here is the part I feel especially guilty about: Asking for help.
I wanted to accurately explain why and how I am struggling. I hope at least some of you can empathize and understand why this seemingly easy situation is so hard for me because of my family history and mental health.
Money doesnā€™t buy happiness but it does help alleviate certain financial problems. Being currently unable to get myself to get stable income I feel even more stuck and am struck with panic about how to visit my girlfriend at all.
What will you do when you have money? How will you spend it?
I am commited to fixing my mental health and will do weekly updates on what progress Iā€™ve made. Therapy, looking into speech therapy paths, finding deals and dates for the cheapest possible flights to the US, hobbies like photography or making videos. Having people looking and validating the process makes me feel like I can do this and gives me a project to focus on. I just hope for your kindness to spare any money you have to contribute to bettering my current situation. If you want me to write anything for you, I am happy to just tell me which pairing and the general plot idea and if you want any specific things included. Iā€™ll sincerely do my best.
Moreover, the money would truly be spent on what I need to get better and stabilize i.e. medication, plane tickets to see my girlfriend, equipment for filming/photography, semester fees and occasional mental health treats like going out to a warm cozy cafe to relax and not be faced with the constant stress and pressure at home (max. 15ā‚¬ a week). I am happy to document these spendings for you.Ā 
As soon as my life has stablized enough and therapy or others around me have helped me to get back on my feet, get a stable income, etc you donā€™t need to feel an obligation to donate and I can take my posts down if necessary.
My PayPal isĀ https://www.paypal.me/ninin96Ā and I am truly grateful for anything you are willing to give me or comission me.Ā 
Thank you for your time.
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musical-chick-13 Ā· 5 years ago
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People talk a lot about how judgmental and patronizing people are to single people, how not being part of a romantic or sexual relationship doesnā€™t make you less than, that being single is a perfectly valid life choice, that people are tired of feeling like they have to be forced into relationships when theyā€™d rather be romantically unattached.
But what happens when youā€™re single but still want to be in a relationship? When you are trying and wish to date someone, but just canā€™t find anyone.
I donā€™t really see anyone talking about that. So, since this is what I do with my blog regarding any topic no one else has written about the way I want, Iā€™m going to.
Sometimes, the feeling of being alone really sucks. Donā€™t get me wrong. Iā€™m a huge introvert, and I LOVE reading alone in my room at 2am and coming home from rehearsal, making tea, and locking my door, never to speak to another human until I have to do my job the next day.
But sometimes, I want someone to hold me, to kiss me, to go on dates with me and tell me Iā€™m beautiful and loved and who gets me in a way no one else does. Itā€™s not for lack of trying. I crush hard and relatively frequently, and itā€™s always been on good, reliable, single people Iā€™m compatible with. And I have always made a habit to tell whomever Iā€™m interested in that I have feelings for them (barring a few exceptions, like if said person gets into a new relationship before I have the chance to say anything). Iā€™ve given the ā€œnice guysā€ a chance because they were there and, well, even if I didnā€™t like them, I couldnā€™t find anything wrong with them. (Sidebar, you donā€™t actually owe anyone anything, youā€™re never under any obligation to go out with someone.) Dating websites really arenā€™t for me, though this revelation was achieved through a great deal of deliberate consideration. I meet a lot of different people of various opinions, life experiences, and sexualities through theatre, which is my job, but there still hasnā€™t been...well, anyone.
Itā€™s not my fault. Itā€™s not anyoneā€™s fault. Circumstances have just not lined up. It isnā€™t because Iā€™m overly selfish or incompetent or too jealous or not talented enough or because people suck or are shallow and no one could ever find me attractive. A romantic relationship, as much as I want one, has simply never happened. And I would love, and I mean LOVE, to believe that isnā€™t a reflection on me, that it doesnā€™t mean anything, that it doesnā€™t affect my life in any significant way, but...well, it does.
Because on one side, I have all the people telling me that wanting to be paired up is buying into an idealized version of love, and that I am a so-called ā€œbad feministā€ for wanting to be in a romantic relationship, instead of being singularly focused on my career or friends. That wanting love outside of myself makes me weak or buys into the patriarchy or is a sign that I have been brainwashed by society and its archaic views.
And then I have the other side that gives me a pitiful look, an insincere and patronizingĀ ā€œWell, youā€™re still rather young, youā€™ll find someone,ā€ a glare of poorly-disguised judgment. There is a subtle but distinct divide put up between them and me, the people who are ā€œworldly,ā€ who know their way around a relationship, who have experienced the feeling of wanting and being wanted back. A feeling which, apparently, makes it harder for them to meaningfully relate to me, having not personally experienced it. I am cut out of conversations at parties and while getting ready in dressing rooms because I have nothing to offer in regard to relationship gossip. It is automatically assumed during discussions of being an adult or dealing with mature topics that I cannot possibly know what Iā€™m talking about because the lack of having had a romantic relationship somehow makes me completely naive and unable to offer advice or worthwhile personal anecdotes. I try to talk about the struggles of dating, and no one can relate to me because they all have experience that I, for a variety of reasons, simply lack.
And this...can easily take its toll on a person. Sometimes, I feel very lonely, not because I need someone with me at all times or think that being romantically involved is Super Important Above All Else, but simply because I am cut off from a part of life and personal experience (or conversely, enlightened singlehood and active rejection of that experience) most people seem to have.
I do not personally know one single person with any capacity for romantic attraction who has also never been in a relationship, and while I would, ideally, take the opportunity to celebrate my uniqueness among my circle of friends and acquaintances because my uniquenesses are, by definition, what make me me, all it has done is make me feel isolated, pathetic, and alone.
I donā€™t think I deserve to feel like that. I donā€™t think any single person deserves to feel like that. Who I am as a person isnā€™t defined by whether or not someoneā€™s brain produces the same happy love chemicals at the same time mine does. I am not my relationship status (or lack thereof). I am simply me. A musician, a loyal friend, an advocate of mental health reform, a proud member of the bisexual community, a lover of flawed fantasy TV and obscure musical comedies, a curious woman on a quest for knowledge who does calculus for fun and reads too much Good Omens fanfiction. Just to name a few things. And although other peopleā€™s opinions donā€™t really matter, I still wish they would see that instead of Poor Area Single Who Needs Help.
I donā€™t have any answers. I...donā€™t really know how to deal with this or what I hoped to accomplish by writing this out. But I do know that I havenā€™t really seen this particular experience described in a way I could relate to, and, well, Iā€™ve found that discussing my feelings through writing helps me to better deal with them. And if I can help anyone also feeling these things to feel less alone, then all the better. I do think we tend to commodify romantic love, and I think sometimes we can lose sight of just how much that can hurt people. Even people actively seeking it.
And there is nothing wrong with seeking it. Just as there is nothing wrong with not having it. My heart is my own and doesnā€™t rely on someone elseā€™s feelings or proximity to keep beating. Thatā€™s not how human anatomy works. And as we reevaluate our ideals and what things like self-love and feminism and happiness truly mean, I hope we can all collectively realize that.
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elleberquist6 Ā· 6 years ago
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Play Upon Me Like This Piano - chapter forty-three
Summary: In many ways, Philā€™s life is perfect: he loves his life in London, he has a wonderful brother and parents, and he has a great job as a radio DJ for BBC Radio One. Thereā€™s only one thing missing in his lifeā€¦ A rumor reaches an executive at the BBC about a talented local piano player named Daniel. The executive decides that Daniel would be the perfect guest on Philā€™s radio show, so she sends Phil to speak with the evasive and mysterious piano player.
When they finally meet, Phil starts to think that he has found the person who will make his life complete. Unfortunately, Dan has a secret that will make getting close to him difficult.
Rating: Mature
Word Count: 2851
Warnings: Smut
ā€”
From The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen (1836): ā€œWhere am I?ā€ asked she, and her voice sounded ethereal, as the voice of those who were with her; no earthly music could imitate it.
ā€œAmong the daughters of the air,ā€ answered one of them. ā€œA mermaid has not an immortal soul, nor can she obtain one unless she wins the love of a human being. On the power of another hangs her eternal destiny. But the daughters of the air, although they do not possess an immortal soul, can, by their good deeds, procure one for themselves. We fly to warm countries, and cool the sultry air that destroys mankind with the pestilence. We carry the perfume of the flowers to spread health and restoration. After we have striven for three hundred years to all the good in our power, we receive an immortal soul and take part in the happiness of mankind. You, poor little mermaid, have tried with your whole heart to do as we are doing; you have suffered and endured and raised yourself to the spirit-world by your good deeds; and now, by striving for three hundred years in the same way, you may obtain an immortal soul.ā€
The little mermaid lifted her glorified eyes towards the sun, and felt them, for the first time, filling with tears. On the ship, in which she had left the prince, there were life and noise; she saw him and his beautiful bride searching for her; sorrowfully they gazed at the pearly foam, as if they knew she had thrown herself into the waves. Unseen she kissed the forehead of her bride, and fanned the prince, and then mounted with the other children of the air to a rosy cloud that floated through the aether.
ā€œAfter three hundred years, thus shall we float into the kingdom of heaven,ā€ said she. ā€œAnd we may even get there sooner,ā€ whispered one of her companions. [http://hca.gilead.org.il/li_merma.html/]
ā€œThanks again, Robert,ā€ Dan said with pink cheeks, probably for the 20th time since Robertā€™s car pulled up to the curb and he helped them load their suitcases into the trunk.
ā€œNo problemo,ā€ Robert responded breezily, as he homed in on a parking space, and turned the car in the direction of it.
Dan bit his lip and stared out the window, trying to bat down his anxiety. The air was thick with unsaid words and unresolved issues, but this didnā€™t seem the time to speak of them. Last night when they had been planning their trip to the airport, Phil had suggested asking Robert for a ride instead of calling for a cab. Dan had been shocked.
ā€œBut weā€™ve only texted a couple times since the concert!ā€ He protested.
Phil had rolled his eyes. ā€œAnd he said that he still wanted to be friends. Giving a ride to the airport is the sort of thing friends do.ā€
ā€œIā€™m not sure if weā€™re okay. We havenā€™t spoken about much besides that. I donā€™t want to ask him for a favor if weā€™re not okay.ā€
Phil smiled. ā€œThatā€™s exactly why you need to see Robert now. I want you to get this worry off your mind before we leave the country, so that you can enjoy this trip. You need to see that you still have your friend.ā€
Now, Danā€™s thoughts returned to the present as he felt someoneā€™s fingers entwine with his own. He turned away from the window to see Phil smiling at him. He gave Philā€™s hand a squeeze. As he stared into the ocean blue eyes, he felt like he could hear his voice without him needing to utter a word. It will be alright. Just talk to Robert. There is nothing to worry about.
Dan smiled, hoping his face and eyes were just as expressive, so that Phil knew how grateful he was for the love and support. Having Phil by his side made all of this seem less scary, even as the car rolled into a parking space and Dan knew that the time of his conversation with Robert was drawing nearer.
After Robert turned off the car, they all piled out and went to retrieve their rolling suitcases and carry-ons from the trunk. Phil checked his watch and said, ā€œWeā€™re really early.ā€ He smirked at Dan, all but saying the words, As Iā€™d planned. ā€œOnce we get our suitcases to the baggage check, I can wait in line there. Why donā€™t you guys go to the cafĆ© and get yourselves a cup of coffee? You have time to catch up before we leave.ā€
Dan opened his mouth, unsure what to say.
As Danā€™s mind was still spinning in circles, Robert replied, ā€œSure, sounds like fun.ā€
Taking a deep breath, Dan focused on calming himself for what was to come.
ā€œWhat would you like?ā€
ā€œHmm?ā€ Dan jumped, jarred out of his thoughts by Robertā€™s voice. He blinked at the menu and at the barista waiting on his order. ā€œOh, um, caramel macchiato please.ā€
Robert also told her his order, and they shuffled to the register to pay for their drinks. Robert commented, ā€œYou seem distracted, Dan. Worried about the flight?ā€
Dan shook his head ā€“ the flight was the least of his concerns today. ā€œNo, um. Iā€™m not worried about that.ā€
Robert nodded and looked away. They stood in an awkward silence, occasionally fiddling with their phones until their drinks arrived, and they took them to a booth in the corner. Robert scooted forward until he was sitting on the edge of his seat and he leaned across the table. He dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, saying, ā€œDan, if itā€™s me youā€™re worried about, please donā€™t. I donā€™t want you to think Iā€™m going to betray your secret. I promise I havenā€™t told anyone youā€™re a siren, and I wonā€™t.ā€
ā€œOh.ā€ Danā€™s shoulders relaxed and he gave Robert a smile. ā€œThank you. I didnā€™t think you were going to say anything. I was worried, but not about that.ā€
ā€œWhat then?ā€ Robert took the lid off his coffee, releasing a puff of steam, and he blew on it to cool it.
Dan fiddled absentmindedly with a sugar packet that was left lying on the table. ā€œI was just worried about us. Our friendship. Did you mean what you said? Youā€™re okay with all this?ā€
Robert blinked. ā€œOf course we are. I told you so over text. And Iā€™m here today, having coffee with you. What makes you think somethingā€™s wrong?ā€
Dan shrugged. ā€œYeah, all thatā€™s true. But itā€™s also true that youā€™re a nice guy who would never say or do anything to hurt me. So, maybe youā€™re just acting like this to spare my feelings.ā€
Robert smiled and shook his head. ā€œDo you really think Iā€™m that deceitful?ā€
ā€œNo, not that.ā€ He took a sip of his hot coffee, which scalded his tongue a bit. Grimacing, he set down the cup on the table. ā€œI think Iā€™m the one who deceived you, and I wouldnā€™t blame you if you were upset with me, knowing what you now know about meā€¦ā€
As Dan trailed off, Robert finished, ā€œThe siren thing?ā€ Robert shook his head, as Danā€™s cheeks flushed with shame. ā€œDan, what am I supposed to be upset about? Itā€™s who you are, man. If I disliked you for being a siren ā€“ something you were born as and canā€™t change about yourself ā€“ Iā€™d seriously be a dick. I hope thatā€™s not who you think I am because Iā€™m nothing but grateful that you trusted me with this secret. I feel closer to you now.ā€
ā€œI do, too.ā€ Dan took a sip of coffee so that he could hide his smile behind his mug. He had felt vulnerable around Robert since he revealed the truth to him. He didnā€™t know how to feel secure again, and avoiding the issue and his friend hadnā€™t helped. On impulse, Dan decided to open up a bit more and he confessed, ā€œBesides my mum, Phil, and now his family, youā€™re the only one who know about me. Iā€™ve lived in secret for my whole life, hiding who I really am from everyone in my life. I was scaredā€¦ā€
Robert frowned. ā€œThat sounds kinda lonely. Iā€™m glad you decided to trust and share what you are with us.ā€
Dan smiled and looked down at the drink in his hands. ā€œMe, too. I never thought Iā€™d find people who Iā€™d feel safe sharing this with. I thought I had no choice but to isolate myself. I was wrong, and now I feel like the world has opened up to me.ā€
Smiling, Robert took a sip of his drink and he asked, ā€œSo, does the world opening up for you include your career, too? Because Iā€™m going to miss seeing you around the bar while youā€™re away.ā€
ā€œIā€™ll be back at the Oasis soon,ā€ Dan assured him. ā€œThough once I am, Iā€™m planning something a bit different. Do you remember what I told you about my siren voice?ā€
Robert nodded. ā€œYou said you didnā€™t think you deserved your success because your siren voice hypnotizes people.ā€
ā€œYeah, so Iā€™m not as happy with my career as I could be. But the last time I performed for the BBC, I didnā€™t use my siren talent. Phil thinks that my natural voice ā€“ not my siren voice ā€“ is good enough that maybe I can perform using it. I hope heā€™s right.ā€
Robertā€™s smile widened. ā€œI heard you sing that day. Phil is right.ā€
ā€œIā€™m a bit nervous,ā€ Dan confessed. ā€œIā€™ve been relying on my supernatural skill for so long. Iā€™ve never even had voice training. What if Iā€™m not good enough?ā€
ā€œYou are,ā€ Robert insisted. ā€œAnd if you feel like a lack of training is holding you back, I could always help with that. Iā€™ve given voice lessons before. Come over to my place sometime. We could hang out, jam on my karaoke machine like the professionals we are, and I could give you some tips.ā€
Dan gaped at him. ā€œAre you serious?ā€
ā€œOf course.ā€ Robert laughed. ā€œAnd despite my causal presentation of the offer, I do know what Iā€™m talking about when I say voice lessons. I can offer you tips on voice control, give you breathing exercises you can practice at home, and more. I wouldnā€™t have brought up these lessons if I didnā€™t know how to give them.ā€
ā€œI know that, I believe you. Itā€™s justā€¦ youā€™d really do that for me?ā€
Robertā€™s smile faltered. ā€œI would, Dan. Because it bothered me to hear what you thought of yourself the other day, calling yourself fake and an imposter. None of that was true. When I heard you sing for the first time on stage right after that, I knew how talented you were. It really upsets me to think that you canā€™t see that about yourself.ā€ He took a deep breath, seeming to want to say something else, so Dan stayed silent. Robert continued, ā€œDan, what you and I have always had in common is a love of music, and I could see how happy you were when you were singing on stage. Iā€™m your friend. So, I want to see you happy like that again and I want to help. Will you let me give you voice lessons?ā€
ā€œYes,ā€ Dan said in a soft voice, stunned by Robertā€™s generosity. ā€œThank you.ā€
ā€œGreat!ā€ Robert beamed at him. ā€œSo, itā€™s settled then. Youā€™ll come over to my place once you get back from the States, and Iā€™ll give you some lessons.ā€
Dan nodded. ā€œThanks. Youā€™re a good friend. So much better than I deserve.ā€
Robert laughed and shook his head. As he took a sip of his coffee, he seemed distracted.
ā€œWhat is it? You look like you have something on your mind.ā€
ā€œOh.ā€ Robert put down his cup, a wistful look on his face. ā€œI was just trying to pinpoint the moment we became friends. We were professional rivals for so long. When do you think the scales tipped over to friendship?ā€
Dan shrugged and smiled. ā€œIā€™m not sure. This friendship kind of snuck up on me when I wasnā€™t looking. It was the same way with Phil.ā€
ā€œWas it?ā€ A muscle in Robertā€™s cheek twitched and then he stared pointedly at a nearby empty wall.
Dan blinked and also stared at the wall, trying to see what Robert saw there. Then a pair of hands landed heavily on Danā€™s shoulders, making him let out a startled squeak. The person behind him leaned in to growl in his ear, ā€œRawr!ā€
ā€œPhil?ā€ He guessed, still a bit breathless. The hands gave his shoulders one more squeeze before they moved off his shoulders. A moment later, Phil dropped into an open spot at the table with a wolfish grin on his face. Dan turned a scowl on Robert. ā€œYou saw him sneaking up on me and didnā€™t warn me.ā€
ā€œWhy would I do something like that?ā€ Robert hid his smile behind his cup, which must be empty of coffee by now.
Dan turned a pout on Phil, but Phil was drumming his fingers on the table and glancing at the clock which was hanging nearby on the wall. Dan asked, ā€œHow did it go with the bags? Should we be going soon?ā€
As Philā€™s eyes flicked to Danā€™s face from the clock, he gave a slight nod. He said, ā€œBags are checked in. We should probably head over to the gate about now. But thereā€™s time for you to finish your coffee.ā€
Dan picked up his cup and drained the dregs of coffee from it, now gone cold after sitting out for so long. He told Phil, ā€œIā€™m ready to go.ā€
Phil glanced at Robert, who tipped his cup to show Phil that it was empty. Still, Phil hesitated and asked, ā€œYou guys sure youā€™re ready to go? Have you had a chance to talk?ā€
Robertā€™s eyebrows rose in confusion, and he glanced between Dan and Phil, sensing that there was some kind of secret, silent communication passing between the couple as they shot each other glances.
Smiling, Dan explained to Robert, ā€œPhil thought we should have a chance to talk before I got on the plane, so that everything was settled between us. I think we accomplished that.ā€
A wide grin spread across his face. ā€œI think so, too.ā€ Robert tossed his empty cup in a nearby trashcan. ā€œOkay, then. Letā€™s go. I canā€™t see you guys off if instead you miss your flight.ā€
Dan laughed and also tossed his cup. ā€œRight, letā€™s go.ā€ He paused only to glance in his carry-on bag, making sure that his ticket and boarding pass were still at the top of his bag, resting on top of a tangled sea of wires that he had hastily tossed in his bag after procrastinating packing last night. Then they left the cafĆ©.
Phil led the way, peering above heads in the crowd and glancing at the signs that directed them to their destination. Robert fell into pace beside Dan. Neither of them said anything ā€“ they didnā€™t have to, which made Dan feel a rush of fondness for his friend, and affection for Phil. Phil had been right to have them get here early and stop in the cafĆ©. If this had been left up to Dan, he likely would never have settled things with Robert today, or he would have mumbled something awkward and inconclusive before they parted at the gate. It felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, which was all thanks to Robertā€™s forgiving nature and Philā€™s careful planning. In this moment, Dan knew how amazingly lucky he was to have both of them in his life.
They reached the point in the airport where people without boarding passes couldnā€™t advance further, so it was time to part with Robert. Phil turned to him, ā€œThanks for giving us a ride today.ā€
ā€œHappy to do it,ā€ Robert told him. ā€œI hope you guys have a nice trip.ā€ Then before either of them could respond, he turned to Dan and pulled him into a quick hug. ā€œIā€™ll see you when you get back. Take care of yourself.ā€
As the hug broke apart, Dan nodded to Phil and told Robert. ā€œIā€™ll be fine. Phil and I take care of each other.ā€
That seemed to reassure Robert. As the pair started walking towards the gate, since they were out of time to dawdle before their flight. Danā€™s last glimpse of Robert as he disappeared around a corner was of the wide grin on Robertā€™s face. He once more felt a rush of relief that everything had gotten settled before this trip. Dan huffed a sigh of relief.
Phil glanced at him, hearing it. ā€œYou okay? Did everything really get settled with Robert?ā€ When Dan nodded, he asked, ā€œThen, youā€™re worried about your mum?ā€
Dan laughed, since it wasnā€™t like he had forgotten why they were here in the airport: to travel to his mumā€™s wedding. ā€œIā€™m always worried about her,ā€ he told Phil. He couldnā€™t keep a smile off his face, though.
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the-mira-life-project-mtf Ā· 6 years ago
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Distraction Is The Key! (My MtF-H.R.T. Journey)
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HOMESICK
Ā  Ā  Ā The first time Iā€™ve ever dealt with homesickness was when I went to collage. I completely skipped community collage and went into university to seek my degree in science and felt the sting of being separated from my family. I remember them helping me move into my dorm and when everyone was done...they walked away...leaving me in the window watching as they disappeared out of sight. That night, I never slept, I was too wound up to place my mind into sleep induced hypnosis.
Ā  Ā  Ā For the first week, I felt lost, confused, unsure, unclear, perplexed, disconnected, isolated, distanced away from all that I knew. I was living with complete and total strangers as I spent hours in my room pacing back-and-forward like a caged wolf at a community zoo. It took almost a month to get over the sickness.
Ā  Ā  Ā It certainly did feel like a sickness too! I could not eat for a few days, then when I did eat, it was the wrong food. I felt weighted down, depressed as each step felt like a thousand pounds. Slowly, my sleep caught up to me as I accumulated a serious sleep-debt!
Ā  Ā  Ā I was homesick and by week two, I found myself walking the whole campusā€™s perimeter each day, going off trail to climb the loose earth and weeding the flowerbeds to distract my mind. It is easy to distract yourself when you can escape the house, however, it isnā€™t so easy when you are trapped inside.
Ā  Ā  Ā The worst homesickness Iā€™ve ever felt was when I was very young and I was very sick. I was hospitalized and when the night came, my family left, even with me begging them to stay...isolated to my room, isolated to my bed...the only way to escape the homesickness was to sleep...but when you are homesick, sleep isnā€™t that easy and time seems to go by slowly!
LEAVING CERTAINTYĀ 
Ā  Ā  Ā  Most people my age have already went through the process of leaving home for a life of their own; either tired of following their parents rules or falling in love with another and forming their own family. I, however, like most of my generation are remaining at home...mooching off our parents to get along...that wasnā€™t my life! I was expected to remain as I was the only male member of your family and it was my duty to maintain the house and property and take care of my family. This is quite common in Asian countries, but not in America.
Ā  Ā  Ā However, my transgender nature has made living at home dangerous as my family are continuously waging a verbal war against the LGBT...and me...without knowing it. However, with no finical security, inability to work, and battling a terminal illness...my life will always require me to piggyback off of another to survive and Iā€™ve learned to make myself useful.
Ā  Ā  Ā The moment has finally come; the moment I leave my old life behind and move onward to a new life. I sadly feel bad for my biological family: They shall never experience the unconditional love that I have...or be truly free of the social binds that hold them down.
Ā  Ā  Ā However, there is fear...I am leaving certainty...a life that Iā€™ve built in the last 25 years for a life that has no certainty. Who knows, in two years, my new family might tell me to move on. It is a risky gamble, but at this moment, at the cusp of my transformation...I have to leave.
EXPECTATIONS & DISTRACTIONS
Ā  Ā  Ā I am already expecting that the first two months of my new life will be a wild roller-coaster of emotions. I will be constantly trying to find my niche in the family that I can bud from and blossom my new life. I know that the soils are fertile as there is always love and caring. I feel...secure there...knowing that if I canā€™t breathe, they wonā€™t question me or shun me. Actually, it is the exact opposite, they would feel hurt if I did not let them into my life.
Ā  Ā  Ā This is why I think the homesickness will only last for two months and as the warm summer months approach, I will find ways to distract myself from feeling blue.
Writing: Ever since junior high, I have always been writing. Clearing my head of distracting thought. Composing research and writing works of fiction, science fiction and fantasy. At home, my writing is frown upon as I am expected to be outside working when I should not. At my new home, the focus is that I stay inside to safeguard my health as the end goal as a bilateral lung transplant.
Gardening: At home, I am in-charge of all the gardening and farming that my grandfather once did. However, I donā€™t wish to make a business out of it and would like to tend to my own flowers, vegetable and fruit-bearing plants. A garden is like a child, it need constant care or it will die.
Sound-Technology: At one time, one of my paths could have sent me to Oregon to seek a career in sound-technology. I was very good at my job in high school...learning techniques to make the worse singers sound like gold. Luckily, my new family are singers, musicians and performers...and I expect they will have the same expectations for me once I am adopted as every child is expected to perform somehow in the group. The one area that they need help is sound technology...and if I can become good once more...I will have an opportunity to re-join a band.
Cystic Fibrosis Advocate: Ever since 2015, my whole life has been set on the path to fight and advocate cystic fibrosis. Personally, I feel indebted to paying a life for a life. I should have died back in 2015, but because of Amanda Carleneā€™s compassion to see that I got on the correct path...she saved my life when I was infected with an aggressive strain of aspergillus. Oddly, this was the same time my desire to correct my gender flourished...contesting to what many say...I am Amandaā€™s legacy. This is why I dedicated my middle name to Amanda, calling myself Mira Carlene.
Beautification Of My Home: The place that will become my home certainly needs to be cleaned up. Much has been done to the place! When Mitch and Michelle first rented the property, the house was a disaster, filled with animal excrement, fleas and garbage. With the house livable once more, the property has been neglected as they are too tired to attend to the 8 acres of land. In my two years of coming over, I have greatly improved the property beyond measure and have plans to beautify the lands for our guests as Mitch has plans to build a camp...if he can only win the lottery.
Damming The Creek: Almost 60 feet down into a ravine runs a creek that I want to dam and form a pond. I have a love of water and bodies of water as a Scorpio! Back in 2018, when our pump-house fail...we were in bad need for water. I had envisioned creating a shallow pond for collecting water, creating a water fall and giving our dog, Chance, a place to wade before he died. Damming the creek is still my pet project...including building a trail system for the family to hike and to open access to the upper canyon.
Turning The Barn Into A Workshop With a Garden: Although I donā€™t see a garden happening this year, (as there is much work needed to be done!), but I need to organize and clean up the mess that is called the barn. When the family moved from Key Center to Victor, whatever could not fit in the house now lays in the barn. There are four stalls (once used for horses) that can be turned into four workstations: One as our tool shop, one for allowing Mitch to return to making rock art, one for storage and one for gardening. Iā€™ve already bought LED lights to brighten the barn up as it is pretty dark in there!
Re-purpose The Chicken Coup: Into what...I donā€™t know...but I am thinking storage and a tool-shop.
Being A Daughter To The Children: One of the things I could never have is children...and the opportunity to step into the role of Big-Sister for the children has already happened as I am learning to get comfortable with them and teaching the youngest son all my skills...as my grandfather taught me.
Re-Focusing On Mira: All my life, Iā€™ve been dedicated to focusing on others, letting myself go; neglecting my therapy and doing things my doctors frown upon. When the whole transgender thing out of the way, and having their blessings, I am free to re-focus on being just Mira.
Renewing My Faith: With a new start, I also want to rekindle my faith. I have been following Mitch and Michelle to their church; and while it is nice to sit with the ones who love you, I just have not settled into the faith of a baptist. I was raised Lutheran and probably die a Lutheran. I have been to all types of domination including: Baptist, Episcopalian, Jehovah Witness, Catholic, Masonic, Lutheran and New Age faiths...each one different. Iā€™ve even read the HebrewĀ Torah and the IslamicĀ QurŹ¾an. I found religion and faith intriguing, and being so close to death...desirable. At this moment, there are two Lutheran churches I am thinking of visiting: North Bay Lutheran in Allyn and Christ Lutheran in Belfair, however, North Bay is closes to where I live.
Going Through The Precedingā€™s: The process of having a full name change is somewhat...complicated! Most transgender individuals will decide to change their first name, some will drop their middle man if it does not suit their genders, and rarely change their last name. I will be going for a full legal name change...which is only half the battle! If approved, then you need to contact the SSD, DVM, Banks, Creditors and Debtors, Clinics, Insurance Companies for Medical and Car, and then the non-vital departments and stores like Costco, Bi-Mart or even the CFF! Iā€™ve been down this road once before, when I was 18, and looks like I will be doing it again. At this moment, I am already using the name of Mira with my closes friends and will change all my social media platforms to Mira Carlene in May.
Continue The Foundation: The ability to continue the foundation has been my biggest goal since Iā€™ve came into my new familyā€™s life. Before I contacted them, I wasnā€™t aware that they were almost not going to do the CFF Walk, which they have done in memory of Amanda and Jessica who both passed away from cystic fibrosis. I was the sign they were asking for, and I did not want that type of attention, so I remained distant, but also needed toĀ ā€˜knowā€™ them. They were special to me, even though we only meet twice. Sadly, the foundation had fallen into ruins long before I came into the picture. The people who help start the foundation were the same ones who sank it...it was tragic!
In 2018, Michelle approached me about taking over the foundation as it found a new reason to exist and was willing to donate proceeds to me, but I turned it down. In 2019, the foundation had just turned seven years old...seven years since Amanda passed away...and I had been considering restarting the foundation. I was focusing on holiday craft shows and events to sell and raise awareness.Ā 
Take for example, just last year, over 80,000 people attended the Kitsap County Fair, which means 40,000 people would see our booth, and even if they did not buy a thing, they will leave with those two words in their memory: Cystic Fibrosis. Amanda was all about advocacy when I knew her and now that was my reality. Ironically, I am fulfilling both of their memories and promises to their father.
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harpsichord-canvas Ā· 6 years ago
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[archive] highly late "top 5 of 2016" list
Yes yes, I know. It's March. But I thought this would be a good introduction to this blog. Both personally as a way to practice and for a reader to gain an idea of what kind of music I'm into. This was also an enjoyable peace for me to write in retrospect. I'll keep the write ups for each album brief merely touching the surface and highlighting certain songs or moments which add to what made these so notable and important to me.
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5. Nicolas Jaar - Sirens
The reason for this albums inclusion in my end of year list can be summarised in as single word; 'atmosphere'. In honesty my first reaction at the beginning of the album was to check the connections on my headphones before that initial shattering outburstĀ that leaves a trail of cascading piano arpeggios in its wake, a moment that would similarly leave a trail ofĀ goosebumps downĀ my spine. The minimalist approach to the opening track is immediately contrasted in 'The Governor' which features noisy and visceral drum beats alongsideĀ chaotic saxophone lines which warbleĀ there way around on top. Ā For the next three track these feeling are explored andĀ built upon with such some wonderfully composed beats, moments of desolation and bilingual lyricism. The album finishes with the infectiously catchy 'History Lesson' where Jaar sings about humanities repeated mistakes throughout history in the form of chapters in a book which all builds up to a triumphant breakdown of soaring manipulated vocals. 'Sirens'Ā also gets my praise for having the most interesting artwork and packaging of any physical release I picked up last year with its blank scratchcard preface that can be erased to reveal the photo of Nicolas' fathers artwork on display in Times Square. The visual piece by Alfredo Jaar entitled 'A Logo for America' focuses on the modern ethnocentrism of the United States and the oft forgotten history of South America, a theme which also resonates throughout this album.
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4. Radiohead - A Moon Shaped Pool
It's not often that an album reaches the levels of hype that surrounded Radiohead's anticipated "LP9". I was consistently somewhere near this congregation of excited fans adding in my wild speculations to the upcoming album of possibly my favourite band of all time and the first band I fell in love with (there's a story behind that I'll maybe explain some other time). I remember vividly when the album finally leaked, loading the album up on my phone and going out for a walk with my dog for the first listen. As theĀ album ventured out of the tension of 'Burn the Witch' and the spacious beauty of 'Daydreaming' into the uncharted territory of 'Decks Dark' I was approaching the top of the hill behind my house, the sun was setting and by the time the chorus hit I knew it had been worth the wait. This album has , An underappreciated aspect of the album is in my opinion the lyricism on track six, 'Glass Eyes'. The words describe the disembarking of a train into an unfamiliar environment, perhaps a new stage of life, and the anxiety that inevitably comes with it. Its noted how when we are presented with these new and uncomfortable paths it can be all to easy just to slip back into old ways. This appears to be the option the character in this song opts for asĀ Thom continues to describeĀ a train winding its way through a landscape, in which his input is unnecessary. He doesn't know nor care where he is being led, just content to drift effortlessly through life. The song ends with the simple line "I feel this love to the core" which, when combined with the luscious instrumentation, can be frankly overwhelming. Ā This cripplingly sad lyricism is present throughout and is often stated bluntly to great effect. There's nothing all that new within this album but rather it is a culmination of all there past adventures with obvious influences from all stages of their career. I really hope this isn't the last we hear from Radiohead but I'd be content with this as the bookend to one of the greatest discographies in rock music history. (On a lighter note, I'm finally seeing them live this summer and I can't wait!) Ā 
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3. Pinegrove - Cardinal
It was at this point in the arranging of the list that things became really difficult for me. These top three are all within a thread's width of each other and the order in which I place can change depending on situation or mood. Had you mentioned the band Pinegrove to me at the beginning of the year you would of been met with a blank face. It was only upon the release of this album that I gave them my initial listen and for the first time in a while I was instantaneously hooked on a bands music. Lead singer Evan Stephen Hall has a talent for writing memorable vocal melodies which are perfectly delivered in that unique country flare his voice he possesses. The album begins and ends with the contrasting songs 'Old Friends' and 'New Friends'. The infectiously catchy former serves as a reminder to not take the loved ones who surround you for granted. In the final song however the writer finds them self isolated, after neglecting friendships they grew stale and now he is left on his own.Ā What takes place in between could allude to the reasons for this with stories of social anxiety and failed relationships. I can't really overstate just how listenable these tracks are with there relatable lyrics that flow so easily off the tongue.Ā In the past year I have had the pleasure of seeing them live twice with a noticable increase in the size of crowd only over a short period of time and have high hopes for the future of the band. I am eagerly anticipating what they can come up with for their following album. I personally hope to seeĀ an ambitious step up with a longer tracklisting of varied and thematically intriguing topics but I'd also be happy just to have a new set of wonderful tunes to drunkenly sing along to. Ā 
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2. Frank Ocean - Blonde
I noted how few albums could reach the anticipation levels of 'A Moon Shaped Pool' but after four years of waiting since the universally acclaimed 'Channel Orange', Frank Ocean had it beaten. This album may have rubbed certain fans up the wrong way on initial listens. Compared to Frank's previous efforts this album is notably more stripped back in terms of production with drums often totally absent in tracks. However to me this adds to delicate nature of this album that oozes with class and grow further upon me with every spin. A prime example of this stripped back approach is the song 'Solo'Ā where he details, with scarily vivid imagery, an acid trip where he envisions "a bull and a matador duelling in the sky" over nothing but a gently drifting chord progression. This album just has a bountiful collection of memorable moments spread throughout the hour long duration. To name but a few the gorgeous cleanĀ guitar work in 'Self Control', when the beat switches in 'Nights', the surprise entrance of Andre 3000 to the beautifully poignant outro of 'White Ferrari' that brought out the allergy excuses in the majority of fans. Despite reaching such heights of fame though this album is still authentically Frank's work with fearless decision making to strip back the production while featuringĀ some largely experimental moments like the noisy sound collage which rounds off the album. By that point I always find myself in a near delirious state and it comes as a comfort to just let the abstract collections of sound wash you down. Overall if it takes four years to produce anĀ album of this calibre then every one the countless delays was worth it. Despite being less than a year old is deservedly a modern classic in many eyes, an accolade which I'm sure will only become more cemented with time. Ā 
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1. Car Seat Headrest - Teens of Denial
The point that finally made me settle on this as my number one album of the year was the play count which is far and away above the rest to the stage where I know every word to heart. Everytime I left the house to go to a lecture I found this as my go to soundtrack and would have have to restrain myself from singing refrains out loud in the street. But amongst these potently catchy hooks and riffs lies some truly incredible examples of creative songwriting. Front man Will Toledo is no stranger to intimate transparency in his lyricism but I still found myself taken aback as he so openlyĀ conveys the motions of his emotional breakdowns to the listener. In an age where we still struggle to openly discuss issues of mental health it's so refreshing to find a public figureĀ who is willing to put his life on display like he does through this album. A prime example of this is presented inĀ the anthemic 'Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales'. In this centerpieceĀ Will recallsĀ experiences of his younger self getting blackout drunk before driving home fromĀ a party, a dark and tabooedĀ past which most adults would carry as a secret to their grave. Instead it is used as a lesson toĀ encourage listeners to listen to the voices of reason in similar situations and put aside these selfish and reckless thoughts.Ā  If you were still somehow unsure of Will's writing ability following the former half of the albumĀ then any remaining doubt will be thrown away following track ten, 'The Ballad of the Costa Concordia'. This incredibly grandeur and lengthy track can be broken down into three sections. In the first he discusses his own personal experiences with depression with a slowly declining enthusiasm for life. This portion acts as a hugely effective build up to the second part in which he breaks down hopelessly letting free a chain of thoughts about his inability to deal with adult life, reaching a climactic pointĀ with simple shouts of defeat andĀ surrender. The song then continues to detail depression but far less on the introspective level but instead addressing society as a whole and all the whileĀ these lyrics are skillfully infused with references and analogies comparing his own life to the fate of the Costa Concordia, the luxury cruise ship which capsized of the coast of Italy following a collision with a submerged rock. As a final note this songwriting is backed up with aĀ an approach which is distinctly lacking in modern rock music. A lot of beauty in classic albums lies in the imperfections and raw production style and I wish producers would learn from this album and make the choice to not compress the life out of every instrument in their arsenal. I have only touched upon what I love about this album but I sincerely hope you can take a listen yourself and understand whyĀ it is my choice for album of the year 2016. Ā 
Honourable Mentions
Jeff Rosenstock - WORRY.
Bon Iver - 22, a million
Parquet Courts - Human Performance
1 note Ā· View note
all-things-witchcraft Ā· 7 years ago
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šŸ”®A Huge Tarot Master-PostšŸ”®
Hello~ I figured Iā€™d make my first master-post about Tarot! This is my interpretation, so I donā€™t ask that you just go by my word. Itā€™s your path! Iā€™m just here to try to help.
This will be VERY in-depth. So I apologize in advance for the lengthy post, but I hope it will help.Ā 
What is ā€œTarotā€?
Personally for myself I see Tarot as a tool. I use it to help myself and others with some guidance with their lives; however, when it comes to Tarot, donā€™t let it rule over your decisions in your life. It is a tool but that does not mean that you should only go by what it says.
Types of Readings
There are two types of readings when it comes to Tarot: Question readings and Open Readings.
Question Readings
Just as the title says Tarot involves answering questions. Yes or No questions arenā€™t meant to be answered by Tarot. When it comes to Yes or No questions pendulums are used with their corresponding charts. Like I stated before, you shouldnā€™t use Tarot to make decisions but to guide you to help you make the decision yourself. The way a question is stated is important for Tarot readers. Hereā€™s a few tips on what you should look out for:
šŸ”® Keeping your options open:Ā If you already have an answer for your question, then youā€™re not really letting yourself allow the cards to guide your decision.Ā  Asking how you could encourage your mother-in-law to move out, as opposed to asking how you can get along better with her, is narrowing the scope of the true question by answering it before you even get started.
šŸ”® Details:Ā Your question should be focused, but not overly detailed. Rather than looking at one particular aspect of a problem, find a way to look more broadly at it. For example, rather than asking how you can make your home life less chaotic, ask how you can better balance work schedules and school schedules. That is a focused question. But do not go so far as to ask how you can coordinate baseball, soccer and karate schedules and still have family time ā€“ thatā€™s too detailed. Only include the minimum level of detail needed in order to express what you want to learn from the cards.
šŸ”® Focus on Yourself:Ā If the reading is for yourself, make sure your question focuses on you rather than on someone else who you think may be the root of your problem. If youā€™re wanting to help someone, for example, ask about what you can do to help them.
šŸ”® Stay Neutral: Basically be unbiased. Donā€™t come off with the notion that your POV is theĀ ā€œrightā€ one. Asking why youā€™re always the one getting yelled at between you and your parent(s) isnā€™t neutral; instead, ask how you can prevent future arguments with your parent(s). Thatā€™s neutral!
šŸ”® Be Positive: When it comes to Tarot, and anything really, youā€™ll want to always try to be positive. Instead of asking why a specific event didnā€™t happen, ask about what you can do to make that event happen. Positivity is always great!
Open Readings
These are also known asĀ ā€œGeneralā€ readings. They address the larger aspects of life rather than a question or a specific area. Iā€™ve found that Past, Present, Future readings are very popular since it talks about peopleā€™s lives. Theyā€™re always eager to see if the cards can truly tell about their life! You can also direct the General readings towards a basicĀ ā€œgenreā€. Career, Health, Finances, Love, etc.
The Tarot Deck
There are many varieties of Tarot decks, and there is no standard number of cards across all decks. While the types of cards, the suits and their meanings are the same, the illustrations vary greatly. Decks are based on various themes such as nature, animals, fantasy, dragons, etc.
When it comes to finding a deck of your own, donā€™t just choose one based on the design. Focus on the connection between you and your future tool, your future guide. I have the Tarot Draconis Deck that called to me. Itā€™s a beautiful dragon based deck that has connected with me. The bond we have today is inseparable!
I sayĀ ā€œbondā€ because each deck has itā€™s own personality. Thatā€™s why Tarot readers do interviewĀ ā€œspreadsā€ to help them get to know their decks a bit better. Iā€™ll explain spreads more thoroughly later on in this post. When it comes to their personalities, some decks are blunt, some are meant for giving other people readings and others could be laid back.
The Major and Minor Arcana
When you look through a Tarot Deck, there will be two different sets of cards: Major Arcana and Minor Arcana. Letā€™s look at the Minor Arcana first. Youā€™ll find that like regular playing cards there are four suits; however, instead of hearts, spades, diamonds, and clubs there are Wands, Pentacles (Circles), Cups (Chalices), and Swords. Each of these represents an element.
Each suit has meaning regarding a specific approach to life. The cards within these suits are numbered one through 10 and also include the court cards ā€“ the king, queen, knight and page (knave). The Minor Arcana cards represent the more minor, practical daily ups and downs in life.
The Major Arcana are not associated with the suits. They include the picture cards that represent principles, concepts and ideals. They are numbered one through 21, with the 22nd card (the ā€œFoolā€) marked as zero. The Major Arcana cards represent strong, long-term energy or big events in some area of life.
Minor Arcana and the Four Suits
As I stated before, each of the Suits represents an element. Letā€™s talk about each one and break down what they mean, as well as the cards within them. Then weā€™ll move on to the Major Arcana!
When it comes to the different cards, there are negatives and positives. When a card is upside-down, the term beingĀ ā€œreversedā€, then it represents negative attributes of that card. When itā€™s upright then it represents positive attributes.
For myself, I donā€™t read reverse cards. I base it on my intuition. Iā€™ll explain how your intuition is used with tarot later on in this post.
Suit of Pentacles
šŸŒ±Also known as Coins, Disks, or Circles.
šŸŒ±Represents the element Earth.
šŸŒ±Covers material aspects of life including work, business, trade, property, money and other material possessions.
šŸŒ± Pentacles deal with the physical or external level of consciousness and thus mirror the outer situations of your health, finances, work, and creativity. They have to do with what we make of our outer surroundings ā€“ how we create it, shape it, transform it and grow it.
šŸŒ± On a more esoteric level, Pentacles are associated with the ego, self-esteem and self-image.
šŸŒ± The positive aspects of the Suit of Pentacles include manifestation, realization, proof and prosperity.
šŸŒ± The negative aspects of the Suit of Pentacles (i.e. when the Pentacles cards appear reversed) include being possessive, greedy and overly materialistic, over-indulging and not exercising, not effectively managing oneā€™s finances, and being overly focused on career to the detriment of other life priorities.
Often what is required to counteract these negative aspects is a return to nature to ground oneself and rediscover what is truly important. In addition, there may be blockages in being able to manifest ideas and plans resulting in a lack of success. Better goal-setting and planning is required.
šŸŒ± When referring to timing in a Tarot reading, the Suit of Pentacles traditionally represents Winter or years.
šŸŒ± In a deck of playing cards, Pentacles corresponds to Diamonds.
šŸŒ± Court Cards // 1 - 10 šŸŒ±
King of Pentacles:
Upright - Security, control, power, discipline, abundance
Reversed - Authoritative, domineering, controlling
Queen of Pentacles:
Upright - Practical, homely, motherly, down-to-earth, security
Reversed - Imbalance in work/ family commitments
Knight of Pentacles:
Upright - Efficiency, routine, conservatism, methodical
Reversed - Laziness, boredom, feeling ā€˜stuckā€™
Knave/Page of Pentacles:
Upright - Manifestation, financial opportunity, new job
Reversed - Lack of progress and planning, short-term focus
10 of Pentacles:
Upright - Wealth, inheritance, family, establishment, retirement
Reversed - Financial failure, loneliness, loss
9 of Pentacles:
Upright - Gratitude, luxury, self-sufficiency, culmination
Reversed - Over-investment in work, financial setbacks
8 of Pentacles:
Upright - Apprenticeship, education, quality, engagement
Reversed - Perfectionism, lacking ambition or focus
7 of Pentacles:
Upright - Vision, perseverance, profit, reward, investment
Reversed - Lack of long-term vision, limited success or reward
6 of Pentacles:
Upright - Generosity, charity, giving, prosperity, sharing wealth
Reversed - Debt, selfishness, one-sided charity
5 of Pentacles:
Upright - Isolation, insecurity, worry, financial loss, poverty
Reversed - Recovery from financial loss, spiritual poverty
4 of Pentacles:
Upright - Control, stability, security, possession, conservatism
Reversed - Greed, materialism, self-protection
3 of Pentacles:
Upright - Teamwork, initial fulfilment, collaboration, learning
Reversed - Lack of teamwork, disregard for skills
2 of Pentacles:
Upright - Balance, adaptability, time management, prioritisation
Reversed - Disorganisation, financial disarray
Ace of Pentacles:
Upright - Manifestation, new financial opportunity, prosperity
Reversed - Lost opportunity, lack of planning and foresight
Suit of Swords
šŸŒ«ļø Represents the element Air.
šŸŒ«ļø Associated with action, change, force, power, oppression, ambition, courage and conflict.
šŸŒ«ļø Action can be both constructive and/or destructive, sometimes resulting in violence.Ā  This suit can also mean hatred, battle, and enemies, and of all the suits, this one is considered to be the most powerful and dangerous.Ā 
šŸŒ«ļø The Suit of Swords deals with the mental level of consciousness that is centred around the mind and the intellect. Swords mirror the quality of mind present in your thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs.
šŸŒ«ļø Swords themselves are double-edged and in this way the Suit of Swords symbolises the fine balance between intellect and power and how these two elements can be used for good or evil. As such, the Swords must be balanced by spirit (Wands) and feeling (Cups).
šŸŒ«ļø The negative aspects of the Suit of Swords (i.e. when the Swords cards appear reversed) include anger, guilt, harsh judgement, a lack of compassion and verbal and mental abuse.
šŸŒ«ļø When referring to timing in a Tarot reading, the Suit of Swords traditionally represents Autumn (Fall), or months.
šŸŒ«ļø In a deck of playing cards, Swords corresponds to Spades.
šŸŒ«ļø Court Cards // 1 - 10Ā  šŸŒ«ļø
King of Swords:
Upright: Clear thinking, intellectual power, authority, truth
Reversed: Manipulative, tyrannical, abusive
Queen of Swords:
Upright: Quick thinker, organised, perceptive, independent
Reversed: Overly-emotional, bitchy, cold-hearted
Knight of Swords:
Upright: Opinionated, hasty, action-oriented, communicative
Reversed: Scattered thought, disregard for consequences
Knave/Page of Swords:
Upright: Talkative, curious, mentally restless, energetic
Reversed: All talk and no action, haste, undelivered promises
10 of Swords:
Upright: Back-stabbed, defeat, crisis, betrayal, endings, loss
Reversed: Recovery, regeneration, fear of ruin, inevitable end
9 of Swords:
Upright: Depression, nightmares, intense anxiety, despair
Reversed: Hopelessness, severe depression, torment
8 of Swords:
Upright: Isolation, self-imposed restriction, imprisonment
Reversed: Open to new perspectives, release
7 of Swords:
Upright: Betrayal, deception, getting away with something, stealth
Reversed: Mental challenges, breaking free
6 of Swords:
Upright: Regretful but necessary transition, rite of passage
Reversed: Cannot move on, carrying baggage
5 of Swords:
Upright: Conflict, tension, loss, defeat, win at all costs, betrayal
Reversed: Open to change, past resentment
4 of Swords:
Upright: Contemplation, recuperation, passivity, relaxation, rest
Reversed: Restlessness, burn-out, lack of progress
3 of Swords:
Upright: Painful separation, sorrow heartbreak, grief, rejection
Reversed: Releasing pain, optimism, forgiveness
2 of Swords:
Upright: Indecision, choices, truce, stalemate, blocked emotions
Reversed: Indecision, confusion, information overload
Ace of Swords:
Upright: Raw power, victory, break-throughs, mental clarity
Reversed: Confusion, chaos, lack of clarity
Suit of Wands
šŸ”„ Represents the element Fire.
šŸ”„ Associated with primal energy, spirituality, inspiration, determination, strength, intuition, creativity, ambition and expansion, original thought and the seeds through which life springs forth.
šŸ”„ Wands deal with the spiritual level of consciousness and mirror what is important to you at the core of your being.Ā 
šŸ”„ They address what makes us tick ā€“ our personalities, egos, enthusiasms, self-concepts, and personal energy, both internal and external.
šŸ”„ Wands are also indicative of all things that you do during the day to keep you busy, be it working at the office, home or the great outdoors.Ā 
šŸ”„ Wands have to do with movement, action and initiatives and the launching of new ideas.Ā 
šŸ”„ They may be indicative of a never-ending ā€˜Ideas Listā€™ or ā€˜To Do Listā€™, whereby the client has many projects on the go to keep them busy.
šŸ”„ When referring to timing in a Tarot reading, the Suit of Wands traditionally represents Spring or weeks.
šŸ”„ In a deck of playing cards, Wands corresponds to Clubs.
šŸ”„ Court Cards // 1 - 10Ā  šŸ”„
King of Wands:
Upright: Natural-born leader, vision, entrepreneur, honour
Reversed: Impulsiveness, haste, ruthless, high expectations
Queen of Wands:
Upright: Exuberance, warmth, vibrancy, determination
Reversed: Shrinking violet, aggressive, demanding
Knight of Wands:
Upright: Energy, passion, lust, action, adventure, impulsiveness
Reversed: Haste, scattered energy, delays, frustration
Knave/Page of Wands:
Upright: Enthusiasm, exploration, discovery, free spirit
Reversed: Setbacks to new ideas, pessimism, lack of direction
10 of Wands:
Upright: Burden, responsibility, hard work, stress, achievement
Reversed: Taking on too much, avoiding responsibility
9 of Wands:
Upright: Courage, persistence, test of faith, resilience
Reversed: On edge, defensive, hesitant, paranoia
8 of Wands:
Upright: Speed, action, air travel, movement, swift change
Reversed: Delays, frustration, holding off
7 of Wands:
Upright: Challenge, competition, perseverance
Reversed: Giving up, overwhelmed, overly protective
6 of Wands:
Upright: Public recognition, victory, progress, self-confidence
Reversed: Egotism, disrepute, lack of confidence, fall from grace
5 of Wands:
Upright: Disagreement, competition, strife, tension, conflict
Reversed: Conflict avoidance, increased focus on goals
4 of Wands:
Upright: Celebration, harmony, marriage, home, community
Reversed: Breakdown in communication, transition
3 of Wands:
Upright: Preparation, foresight, enterprise, expansion
Reversed: Lack of foresight, delays, obstacles to long-term goals
2 of Wands:
Upright: Future planning, progress, decisions, discovery
Reversed: Fear of unknown, lack of planning
Ace of Wands:
Upright: Inspiration, power, creation, beginnings, potential
Reversed: Delays, lack of motivation, weighed down
Suit of Cups
šŸŒŠ Represents the element Water.
šŸŒŠ Also known as Chalices.
šŸŒŠ Deals with the emotional level of consciousness and are associated with love, feelings, relationships and connections.
šŸŒŠ Cups are about displays of emotion, expression of feelings and the role of emotions in relation to others.
šŸŒŠ The Cups Tarot cards indicate that you are thinking with your heart rather than your head, and thus reflect your spontaneous responses and your habitual reactions to situations.
šŸŒŠ Cups are also linked to creativity, romanticism, fantasy and imagination.
šŸŒŠ The negative aspects of the Suit of Cups (i.e. when the Cups cards appear reversed) include being overly emotional or completely disengaged and dispassionate, having unrealistic expectations and fantasizing about what could be.Ā 
There may be repressed emotions, an inability to truly express oneself and a lack of creativity.
šŸŒŠ The Suit of Cups traditionally represents the west and Summer. If using an ordinary deck of playing cards,
šŸŒŠ Cups are represented by the Suit of Hearts.
šŸŒŠ Court Cards // 1 - 10Ā  šŸŒŠ
King of Chalices:
Upright: Emotional balance and control, generosity
Reversed: Emotional manipulation, moodiness, volatility
Queen of Chalices:
Upright: Emotional security, calm, intuitive, compassionate
Reversed: Emotional insecurity, co-dependency
Knight of Chalices:
Upright: Romance, charm, ā€˜Knight in shining armourā€™, imagination
Reversed: Unrealistic, jealousy, moodiness
Knave/Page of Chalices:
Upright: A messenger, creative beginnings, synchronicity
Reversed: Emotional immaturity, creative block
10 of Chalices:
Upright: Harmony, marriage, happiness, alignment
Reversed: Misalignment of values, broken home or marriage
9 of Chalices:
Upright: Wishes fulfilled, comfort, happiness, satisfaction
Reversed: Greed, dissatisfaction, materialism
8 of Chalices:
Upright: Escapism, disappointment, abandonment, withdrawal
Reversed: Hopelessness, aimless drifting, walking away
7 of Chalices:
Upright: Fantasy, illusion, wishful thinking, choices, imagination
Reversed: Temptation, illusion, diversionary tactics
6 of Chalices:
Upright: Reunion, nostalgia, childhood memories, innocence
Reversed: Stuck in the past, naivety, unrealistic
5 of Chalices:
Upright: Loss, regret, disappointment, despair, bereavement
Reversed: Moving on, acceptance, forgiveness
4 of Chalices:
Upright: Meditation, contemplation, apathy, re-evaluation
Reversed: Boredom, missed opportunity, being aloof
3 of Chalices:
Upright: Celebration, friendship, creativity, community
Reversed: An affair, ā€œthreeā€™s a crowdā€, stifled creativity
2 of Chalices:
Upright: Unified love, partnership, attraction, relationships
Reversed: Break-up, imbalance in a relationship, lack of harmony
Ace of Chalices:
Upright: Love, compassion, creativity, overwhelming emotion
Reversed: Blocked or repressed emotions
šŸ”® - If a Tarot reading is predominantly made up of the Minor Arcana Tarot cards, you are dealing with day-to-day issues which will not necessarily having a lasting influence on your life.Ā 
These issues are passing through, presenting you with an opportunity to learn from these experiences (look to any Major Arcana cards to identify and understand these lessons and how they may impact your life in the long-term).
Major Arcana
The Major Arcana Tarot cards (also known as the trump cards) form the foundation of the Tarot deck and consists of twenty-one numbered cards and one unnumbered card (the Fool).
They represent a path to spiritual self-awareness and depict the various stages we encounter as we search for greater meaning and understanding. In this way, they hold deeply meaningful lessons.
The Major Arcana Tarot card meanings illustrate the structure of human consciousness and, as such, hold the keys to life lessons passed down through the ages. The imagery of the Major Arcana Tarot cards is filled with wisdom from multiple cultures and esoteric traditions, including the Egyptian, Buddhist, Hindu, Sufi, Hebrew and Christian religions.
The Cards
0 // The Fool -
Upright: Beginnings, innocence, spontaneity, a free spirit
Reversed: Naivety, foolishness, recklessness, risk-taking
I // The Magician -
Upright: Power, skill, concentration, action, resourcefulness
Reversed: Manipulation, poor planning, latent talents
II // High Priestess -
Upright: Intuition, Higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind
Reversed: Hidden agendas, need to listen to inner voice
III // The Empress -
Upright: Fertility, femininity, beauty, nature, abundance
Reversed: Creative block, dependence on others
IV // The Emperor -
Upright: Authority, father-figure, structure, solid foundation
Reversed: Domination, excessive control, rigidity, inflexibility
V // Hierophant -
Upright: Religion, group identification, conformity, tradition, beliefs
Reversed: Restriction, challenging the status quo
VI // Lovers -
Upright: Love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices
Reversed: Disharmony, imbalance, misalignment of values
VII // Chariot -
Upright: Control, will power, victory, assertion, determination
Reversed: Lack of control and direction, aggression
VIII // Strength -
Upright: Strength, courage, patience, control, compassion
Reversed: Weakness, self-doubt, lack of self-discipline
IX // Hermit -
Upright: Soul-searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance
Reversed: Isolation, loneliness, withdrawal
X // Wheel of Fortune -
Upright: Good luck, karma, life cycles, destiny, a turning point
Reversed: Bad luck, negative external forces, out of control
XI // Justice -
Upright: Justice, fairness, truth, cause and effect, law
Reversed: Unfairness, lack of accountability, dishonesty
XII // Hanged Man -
Upright: Suspension, restriction, letting go, sacrifice
Reversed: Martyrdom, indecision, delay
XIII // Death -
Upright: Endings, beginnings, change, transformation, transition
Reversed: Resistance to change, unable to move on
XIV // Temperance -
Upright: Balance, moderation, patience, purpose, meaning
Reversed: Imbalance, excess, lack of long-term vision
XV // Devil -
Upright: Bondage, addiction, sexuality, materialism
Reversed: Detachment, breaking free, power reclaimed
XVI // Tower-
Upright: Disaster, upheaval, sudden change, revelation
Reversed: Avoidance of disaster, fear of change
XVII // Star -
Upright: Hope, spirituality, renewal, inspiration, serenity
Reversed: Lack of faith, despair, discouragement
XVIII // Moon -
Upright: Illusion, fear, anxiety, insecurity, subconscious
Reversed: Release of fear, unhappiness, confusion
XIX // Sun -
Upright: Fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality
Reversed: Temporary depression, lack of success
XX // Judgement -
Upright: Judgement, rebirth, inner calling, absolution
Reversed: Self-doubt, refusal of self-examination
XXI // World -
Upright: Completion, integration, accomplishment, travel
Reversed: Lack of completion, lack of closure
Tarot Spreads
Now that weā€™ve talked about the Minor and Major Arcanas, letā€™s talk about Tarot spreads! Before any Tarot reader does a reading, they shuffle their cards. This allows them to transfer their energy into the deck.
Once the cards are shuffled and the deck has been cut, the reader lays out the cards in a pattern called the spread. Each position in the spread has a meaning, and there are many different types of spreads, ranging from those that incorporate a single card to spreads that include all 78 cards of the deck. Which spread is used is up to the reader and the specific type of question or reading. Some spreads focus more on a specific type of information. For example, one spread might focus more on emotional matters, while another might bring in more information about the influences of others. One of the most common spreads is the Celtic Cross.
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Interpreting the Spread:
Once the cards are laid out, their meanings are interpreted based on their positions and their neighboring cards. Letā€™s look at the Celtic Cross spread:
Begin by looking at the Circle/Cross section. The cards in this position represent what is happening in your life at the time of the reading.
Next, look at the first six cards in pairs. These cards paint a picture of your immediate situation. The cards in position 1 (the central issue) and position 2 (the secondary issue that can either be opposing or reinforcing) will identify the central theme of the reading. The cards in position 3 (the root cause that can be an unconscious influence or deeper meaning) and position 5 (your attitudes and beliefs, a conscious influence, your goal or an alternate future) represent things that are going on within you at different levels. And, the cards in position 4 (your past, a receding influence or something that has been resolved) and position 6 (the future or an approaching influence or unresolved factor) represent how people and events are flowing through your life.
Next, look at the Staff section of the spread, again considering cards in pairs. Looking at the cards in position 7 (as you are, as you could be, as you present yourself and as you see yourself) and position 8 (your outside environment, someone elseā€™s point of view and you as others see you) tells you about your relationship with your environment.
Finally, look at the card in position 10 (the outcome-overall, your inner state, your actions or effects) to see the projected outcome.
Ask yourself how you feel about the projected outcome. What does it say to you?
Go back and review the cards that led up to that outcome, and see if there is a card that stands out as they key to that outcome. Then, look back at card 5 to see if the projected outcome is also shown as an alternate outcome there. Look at the card representing the near future in position 6 to see if it supports or contributes to the projected outcome. Finally, look at the card in position 9 (guidance, key factors, hopes and fears or overlooked factors) to see there is any relevance there.
This is one of many different spreads. You can even make your own spreads! Ultimately, start small and learn as you go. Spreads are very easy once you get the hang of it.
Intuition
Last but certainly not least, weā€™re going to talk about Intuition!
What is intuition?Ā  A thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.
When it comes to Tarot cards, and giving out readings or doing one for yourself, intuition is key. Witchcraft in general involves intuition 9 times out of 10! For example, when I do my readings for people, I donā€™t just go by what the cards mean. I trust my intuition about what it means, with my gut feeling. If I feel itā€™s something to do with family, I go with it. If it has something to do with an important event coming up in the future, I trust it.
You may not get it down right away, and thatā€™s perfectly okay! Itā€™ll take some time to get it down pat. Just donā€™t forget to listen to your gut!
There you go! I hope this Master Post helps you guys learn a little more about Tarot. Iā€™ll be posting another one later for in-depth descriptions of all the cards!
Brightest blessings!
[šŸ”®] all-things-witchcraft [šŸ”®]
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wehelddarkness Ā· 3 years ago
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Goodbye 2021
Just a self-reflection on this year
We all joke about how 2021 was just an extension of 2020 and truly for me I canā€™t tell the difference.
2020 started with my mental health in shambles because of the pandemic and personal family problems and then it slowly got better, or better yet, I tried to let go of the problems and focus on myself, which helped me to feel better and so I took this mindset to 2021 with me. For the first part of 2021, I was doing ok, it looked like things were improving, since I kinda got a promotion at work, and even despite all the stress I went through with that new position foe the first few months, I was doing fine and then it all went down mid-july.
I had a stomachache for a week and it literally took all my will to do anything and after that, I completely stopped focusing on my mental and physical health. My stress level at work only increased and all I did was complain about everything and I couldnā€™t see where my life was going. I felt like I was stuck and I couldnā€™t move on. If you ask me now about the good moments I had in the beginning of the year, I canā€™t tell you. Everything is a blur to me because all my brain has registered is how bad things got afterwards.
So I decided to do something for myself, for my future self. I made a very rushed decision to apply for a uni exam to try to get into a public university to properly focus on my teaching career. I thought that would make me feel better, but it only added to the pile of stress because the test would be in 2 months from the date I applied for it and I would have to review content from high school i hadnā€™t seen since I left high school 10 years ago.
On top of that, I gotĀ ā€œdemotedā€ from that promotion I got earlier in the year, without any previous warning, so my schedule was all over the place because I had to adjust myself again to teaching again. Thatā€™s also when my sleep schedule started to get fucked up and I was getting more and more anxious because I couldnā€™t sleep well. And a month after that, I was completely taken out of the pedagogical team and had to go back to teaching full time again, so that was another low blow on my self-esteem.Ā 
I had to talk to my therapist again and only after that, and after I took the first part of the test I was able to feel a bit whole again, but, still, I donā€™t feel Iā€™m completely doing okay.
These last couple of months of 2021 have been the most draining for me, it felt a lot like the beginning of the pandemic where I didnā€™t know when things were going back to normal. Now that weā€™ve adjusted to this new normal, thatā€™s not whatā€™s making me anxious anymore. Now, itā€™s everything related to my future and who I am as person and where I want to see myself next.
Itā€™s very daunting to get older and feel like nothing in my life has changed for the past 5-10 years and it frustrastes me a lot. It makes me depressed and anxious. I feel myself losing interest in things Iā€™ve always loved doing. I feel myself losing interest in basic interactions with friends and family. I see myself becoming less interesting to people who are close to me, because they have better things to do and a different life than me.
I feel myself more and more isolated and itā€™s hard for me to go back to how I was before.
But I am so grateful for the people that have kept me company and kept me entertained during these long and hard months. Without my friends and the people I have talked to, I would be much worse.
And I donā€™t wanna get worse. I wanna get better. I wanna feel better about myself. I wanna feel whole again, with a purpose.
I donā€™t wanna change my life or who I am, but I do know I need to make some changes in order to let go of this depressive mood.
Iā€™m trying to change, Iā€™m trying to do something for myself by trying to get back to college and try to give myself a better future. I know the hardest part is yet to come and I still have to study and take the second part of the test, and I know I might not get in. But I wonā€™t give up. Iā€™ll keep hoping for the best and if the best doesnā€™t happen, Iā€™ll better prepare myself this next year.
So many people can make it, whey canā€™t I? Why canā€™t I force myself to do a lot of things at the same time? Why do I exhaust myself so easily? I canā€™t let that happen and Iā€™m focused on not letting it come to it again.
So, this is a goodbye 2021. It was hard, but in a lot of ways, it showed me that I can survive, even if it takes a tool on me. I can be resilient if I put my mind to it.
I know weā€™re far from overcoming this pandemic and all the worldā€™s problems, but I do hope whatever the universe has in store for me, that I can face it in a lighter way and that I can get back to feeling like myself.
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