#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up

[silverselfshippingchaos]

ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..

[lychgate]

i haven't posted a really poorly drawn thought piece adventure in years so here's a brief update!

hope i hit the read more thing right oh well anyway:

"Spent a lot of time applying for a home loan. I had to pay -fucked up- to have a convincing income for a decent loan. It was very confusing but cody helped me a lot."

"Cody proposed to me It felt wonderful that someone wanted to share their time and love with me. Cody proposed Anthrohio weekend, it's the con we really met at."

"We saw the listing that sunday morning before we had to go to our table to vend."

"It was a perfect house. We were the first people to view it and we immediately put in a bid. And we got the house. Many papers to sign."

"Moving was not easy. It took 2 whole months. Cody was out of town helping their grandma recover from a big surgery and we had to sell their old house/move that as well as move from my apartment. ALSO THE PETS: My cat dick wolf + Cody's 3 birds. Until we could get some doors installed and separate the house, I had to live between two places every day to feed and care for them."

"Still, life was good. I bought my first house! It has a swing in the backyard. I've never had my own backyard. I've never even lived somewhere that had trees (in said yard) It felt nice. Living together with the love of my life and 4 pets."

"Through all this i never closed my shop. How could I? It was my income, and I just bought a house. It needed to stay open. Moving that much inventory, setting up a new office, the house is a nice size but it's not huge, so, very careful organizing had to be executed if I wanted my apparel laid out right. (Which I totally managed to do)"

"but i Did get really good at baking pies. the two are connected."

"sacred_crow on instagram!"

"there's like 25 of u bastards i would absolutely die for, and about 75 more that i would go nearly dead over."

"We have an extra bedroom so I got to turn it into a toy room. There's games, crafts, stuffed animals, movies, a sick loft I painted the shit out of. It rules. It brings me a lot of Joy."

"Under the loft we have a dug out where we can watch VHS tapes. I love to sit with Cody and watch movies and play Donkey Kong."

"I am not good at Banjo Kazooie, but Cody is. Cody is so talented. I love watching them play games. (Depicted is not banjo kazooie but donkey kong country 2 as we are currently playing that. I'm good at DKC but I will still swear and make sounds like im about to throw up)"

"Half the basement is finished, so we turned it into a dual office space. It rules. Cody has a whole side for fursuit crafting, and my side is mostly my gigantic gamer computer area/shipping area. I took a whole wall to put all my non apparel merch like pins charms and notebooks also. for hte love of god someone buy the notebooks they take up more space then i wanted"

"I love to look over from my computer and see cody working. They always look so focused, yet peaceful."

"It's winter but it rains. I miss the snow. I lived by the lakes growing up. I miss piles of snow. It's just wet and cold here. Yes i'm quite aware of global warming"

"I got kicked off both my health and car insurance. I fixed the car one but health insurance still no. All my meds have gone away. The past few months have been hard. I think way too much lately. I can't get myself to do anything. -this is a whole page of downer bullshit and i cropped it!-"

"We had a leaky ceiling that took a month to fix. Cody did all the work because they are smart and kind."

"Oh yeah I had my uterus removed earlier this year. They let me keep it. It's in a jar in my living room."

"We threw a very nice halloween party. I was the green m&m. Cody was the monarch."

"We adopted 8 beautiful kiwis from a crane machine at the mall. we spent over 100 monies to get them but it was worth it."

"

It was a rough year. My health is in decline. Our country may try to end my life for being trans soon (lol?) I am in hte middle of a colossal mental breakdown of my core fundamental behavior (depression advanced) BUT ALSO: I am engaged to my favorite person. We bought a house together. I'm beginning a new chapter of my life. I have a swing in my backyard. The negatives suck but there are also many positives. The cycle of emotions is immense, but there is beauty in it. There is beauty in life, and isn't that wonderful?"

[paarksunghoon]

hello omg i love love LOVE deep honey, which is rare cus i usually do not touch fluff at all but smth abt the way u wrote got to me. i was wondering that in case u wanted an idea, u could write abt sunghoon rushing over to take care of his sick girlfriend? :3 just a thought or any headcannons u have on that would do fine but if u wanna turn it into a drabble or fic that's good too, especially if it's a continuation of deep honey

anyways, that is all from me, have a good day!!!

thank you so much :’) for all of my nsfw drabbles and content, I really enjoy writing the softer kind of stories. switched up the request just a little. consider this a token of my appreciation for your kindness. xx

ps this is what I’m imaging him wearing

***

If there’s one thing you know, it’s that nothing good could ever happen when you text someone past 2AM.

Both existential and physical dread consume you the second you open your texts and see a plethora of unread messages due to your current state of being. You’ve been bedridden for what feels like years but it’s only been a few of days. It’s technically Sunday morning and technically you should be fast asleep, especially since you’d taken medication to help you rest throughout the night. But seems like your body has other plans for you.

Tossing and turning won’t do either. Your head feels much better than it has for the past two days. You’d taken two days off or classes because of intense migraines paired with what seems like onset sickness due to it being flue season. Guilt over missing classes and groveling to your professors (even if they extended grace and told you to rest up) ate you alive, only ebbing away when you closed your eyes and slept.

Your roommate has been away because of a family event and what was once a promising weekend full of relaxation and the apartment to yourself is now a time for you to wallow in your misery. You’ve gone through countless tissues and have slept more in the past few days than in your entire life. It feels like your head might as well be cut off with how many problems your eyes, nose, and throat are giving you.

To pass the time, social media distracts you for a few minutes and you catch glimpses of what your friends have been up to. Partying. Studying. Eating at the cafeteria. All of these are mundane events you took for granted because you’d love to be anywhere but rotting away in your apartment. You’d rather studying for a midterm over feeling like you can’t move without losing your breath.

You take this time to catch up on texts as well. There are so many what remain unread by you and guilt crawls up your spine as you begin to reply to everything.

hi riki!! sorry I haven’t replied yet. I’ve been sick all weekend :/ I wish I could’ve gone to jake’s game with u bc it looked so fun ☹️

jungwon ur your cat is so cute omg…please send more vids. also sorry for replying late im sick lol

sunoo I swear to god if you watch another episode without me, I’m gonna beat your ass whenever I recover

yes, mom. I’m resting as much as I can! sorry I haven’t responded sooner. I still feel sick

heeseung do u think sunghoon would be weirded out if i text him right now. pls advise 😁

Heeseung immediately reads the message and the text bubble appears straight away. He’s one of your closest friends in university who always happens to be friends with Park Sunghoon, the guy you’ve been talking to for the past month and a half.

heeseung: Nah not weird. He’d probably like hearing from you

heeseung: He was asking about you earlier today and said you haven’t been talking to him as much

you: looking at my phone made me nauseous :/

heeseung: You should probably tell him that bc he’s been staring at his phone all day

you: soooo it wouldn’t be weird if I texted him out of the blue rn?? usually we don’t like…start conversations so late

heeseung: You’re overthinking. Just text him and if he doesn’t reply then he’s asleep and will text you in the morning

you: I’m scared of fucking it up

heeseung: There’s nothing to fuck up. If he gets mad that you took care of yourself (he won’t be) then he’s the one who fucked up

you: ugh when did u become the voice of reason

heeseung: :)

Your thumbs hover over the keyboard after you’ve opened Sunghoon’s text. You can imagine his slight pout when you think about how he’d react when he realizes you haven’t texted him back, which makes you feel even more guilty than you already are.

You’re not really sure how you started talking to him, let alone befriended Heeseung to the point where he started inviting you to hang out with him and his group of friends. Heeseung had originally been a study partner for a shared class back when the two of you were sophomores. It’s been a couple of years since then and now most of your conversations consist of TikTok jokes and Heeseung having to deal with you pining over one of his friends.

Sunghoon is every bit of cool you can imagine. He was so quiet when you first met him, residing in his oversized sweater since it was approaching the beginning of autumn. Heeseung invited you to a local bar on a Friday night after midterms and said your first drink would be on him if you made it before last call, knowing very well you were likely getting ready to slip underneath your blankets and call it a night.

He was right as always. You showed up wearing jeans and an old shirt with a jacket that was too big for your body. You’d made somewhat of an effort to look presentable since you’d be hanging out with his friends near campus and would rather not look like you’d gotten rolled over by a locomotive. It was there you met Sunghoon for the first time. He was so quiet that you barely heard him talk until an hour into hanging out with him, but that’s when you learned that he was someone you needed to get to know before he’d show you his loud, boisterous personality.

The more you hung out with him, the more you started to picture yourself with Sunghoon, away from the group you started to call your friends too. You’d only see him when Heeseung invited you out or if you bumped into someone else while Sunghoon was in tow with them. Neither of you seemed to cross paths otherwise and even then, Sunghoon was a bit too timid to approach you first and start a conversation.

Part of you wondered if you were ever too bold when you’d get drunk with him and your friends. You were loud, full of laughter and affection that none of your friends were surprised every time you shouted compliments across the tables and declared your love for the little group you considered to be your family away from home. Heeseung had gotten used to it pretty quickly and so did the others, albeit it took a while for their ears to stop glowing red every time you’d pull them into a drunken hug.

Maybe you sent a little too far with Sunghoon, who immediately tensed when your arms wrapped around his shoulders the first time you let your inhibitions down fully. A few beers and shots in, and Heeseung was anticipating your drunken rant about how much you love the little life the five of you had created and hoped that it would continue even after you all graduate.

Sunghoon always looked a bit intimidating with his dark, thick eyebrows and shielded his wandering eyes. He always looked like he knew what he wanted and his grace always made you think twice about what you’d say to him. Although, you knew this was the beginning of an onset crush that wouldn’t remain hidden for long, let alone when you weren’t sober.

So you’d thrown your arms around Sunghoon’s shoulder and told him how happy you were that Heeseung introduced the two of you. While you try not to think about that moment too much, you recall telling Sunghoon that he was slowly starting to become one of your favorite people because of how funny he is when people least expect it. You liked that he was so kind to his friends and that he was so confident in himself, and that you wished you could be a little more like him.

You also said he was the most beautiful person you’d ever seen. It was a sobering moment because he looked at you like you’d grown two heads and his shoulders felt like they might’ve been pushing you off of his body.

Stumbling with consistent apologies, none of your mutual friends seemed to notice what was happening behind them. You can picture the look on his face when your mind crosses to this moment, how he’d looked at you with bewilderment with his mouth ajar. Sunghoon didn’t say anything and you took that cue to leave him alone and head to the bar, where you hoped distance would make this night seem less tragic than it was.

When morning came around, you were the only person in your shared group chat who declined getting a late morning breakfast due to your embarrassment. Even during the next weekend, when Jake opened up his apartment for a casual hang out, you were the only person who didn’t show up, citing work and study stresses keeping you away from your friends.

Heeseung knew those were merely excuses.

“Cut the shit, Y/N. Are you okay? Did one of the guys do anything to make you uncomfortable?” The worst laced in his tone made you feel guilty for having him think the worse of people he knew before he met you.

“No, nothing like that. I think I’m the one who fucked up and made them uncomfortable.”

“Well clearly not since Jake invited you to his place. What’s going on? Do you want me to come over?”

The last thing you expected from Heeseung was to see him double over in laugher when you explained your predicament, clutching onto your bed like he’d fall to the ground if he didn’t. You’re sure that fit of laugher gave him a new set of abs.

“Sunghoon wasn’t weirded out. He texted me and asked if you were okay.” Heeseung pulled his phone out of his pocket to show you, leaving you in a cloud of confusion. “He probably likes you. Sunghoon’s a natural with girls even if he doesn’t realize they’re flirting with him. I think he likes you too because he’s acting really awkward because he doesn’t know how to deal with it.”

That night left you with more question than answers. You considered texting Sunghoon and asking if the two of you could talk, but you didn’t want to make him even more uncomfortable and tell him what Heeseung told you in fear of putting your friend in an awkward position. So you let the discomfort settle and braved seeing him the next time one of your friends invited you out.

Which, to no one’s surprise, was the weekend after Jake’s get together. Seoul’s autumn carnival was in its third weekend by the time the five of you were able to find adequate time to ride every rollercoaster and eat until your stomachs caved in. You loved the fair and were the first person to buy an admission ticket. Poor Jay, who wasn’t the biggest fan of big rides in the first place, tagged along with Jake every time he insisted on it. You tried your best to keep some distance between yourself and Sunghoon, even if Heeseung said you were being ridiculous. You’d chosen to stick by him until Sunghoon volunteered to help you pick up the food trays when you lost a game of rock-paper-scissors.

“I’m sorry that I acted weird that night,” he said, cutting the silence as the two of you waited for your order. He didn’t have to explain. You knew what he was talking about. “Heeseung said you felt bad for making me feel uncomfortable but I need you to know you didn’t make me feel that way.”

That was the longest sentence he’d ever said to you, let alone it being the first time he initiated a conversation with you. He watched as you stood with your eyes wide and mouth parted like you wanted to say something but didn’t know how to say it.

“I think you just caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting you to say nice things about me. I didn’t realize we were that close because you’d been affectionate with everyone but me up until that night.” He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “I was, uh, flustered.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He averted your gaze and looked at his shoes momentarily before he looked back at you. “I liked what you said. I haven’t stopped thinking about it.”

You laughed at the awkwardness dissipating. “I thought I crossed a line, or something. You just sat there and I thought I fucked up by touching you.”

He shook his head. “You didn’t. I…I liked it a lot.” You tried to hide a grin by keeping your bubbling excitement under wraps failed miserably. Sunghoon smiled too, offering to carry most of the trays back to the table where your friends were too hungry to talk for the next ten minutes.

The memory brings you back to the present where your thumbs hover the keyboard. You start to read back the conversation between the two of you and feel those butterflies erupt in your stomach for the umpteenth time. The two of you have talked about anything and everything. Nothing is off limits. So why is texting him to let him know you’ve been sick for the past few days so difficult for you?

you: hi

you: sorry I haven’t texted a lot in the past few days. I’ve been having migraines and now I’ve caught a cold ):

you: im sorry for texting so late too

He texts immediately.

sunghoon: You don’t have to be sorry. Are you feeling better now?

sunghoon: Actually don’t answer that

Your phone rings.

“Hey,” you say with your phone propped against your ear. “Sorry for bothering you.”

“You’re not bothering me. I’m the only who’s calling you when you’re sick, so I’m technically the one bothering you.” His laugh on the other line makes you smile a little too hard. “I was really worried. None of the guys heard from you so I figured you needed some space.”

“Unfortunately. I had to skip a few classes because it hurt to stand up. I’m pretty sure I’ve slept more this past week than I have in the last month.”

“I’m sorry. That really sucks.”

“I feel bad that I haven’t been able to talk to you.”

As if Sunghoon could sense you pouting, he clicks his tongue and reassures you. “It’s fine, Y/N. I’d probably do the same thing. I can’t imagine how much pain you’ve been in.”

“I would honestly rather study and take a million midterms than go through this again. I feel like someone just took their shoe off of my head.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear you’re doing better. Can I bring you anything? Medicine, maybe?”

You cough a little. “No, but thank you. My friend dropped off a lot of NyQuil and other stuff to help me. It’s working…kind of. Still feel like shit, though.”

“…Can I come over? To help you with your sickness, of course. I can bring you soup.”

“You don’t have to do that.” You frantically rise from your bed amidst his words and realize there are tissues on the ground and dirty clothes strewn everywhere because of your lack of energy. Your living room must be a mess, too, and this would also be the first time Sunghoon would see you without any makeup on.

“I want to. But I mean, only if you’re up for it. I don’t want to stress you out since you’re sick. I just want to help make you feel better. That…and I miss you.”

Sunghoon’s never been so direct before. Even though the two of you have been talking for a while, neither of you have been so forward about it. Conversations are always subtly flirty to the point where the effervescent feeling simmers just underneath the surface. The two of you have hung out without the rest of your friends and have been alone before, but neither one of you has gone so far as you be so bold about the other.

“I miss you too,” you whisper into the phone.

“Give me thirty minutes. I’ll come with soup.”

He hangs up and with a newfound sense of urgency, you make your bed and throw away any stray trash. You put your dirty laundry in the hamper, which is piled high and untouched. It’ll be a problem for when you’re not sick.

The living room isn’t too bad. You straighten furniture and throw away empty takeout containers and wash a few utensils. The tasks don’t feel as draining as they did a few days ago and you’re starting to regain a little bit of your breath.

True to his word, Sunghoon arrives thirty minutes after he said he would. You open the door and look at him. He’s wearing blue hoodie and sweatpants with specs that make him look significantly more attractive than you’re used to.

“Hi,” Sunghoon says with a gentle smile. “I missed you.”

You bite your lip and blurt out your first thought. “You look really good in those glasses.”

Sunghoon chuckles. “Thank you. Can I come in?”

“Right, right.” You step aside and he follows you into your apartment. He takes his shoes off and places them neatly by the shoe rack.

“I might need to reheat this. I got it from that place near my apartment. You know, the one with the yellow banner?”

“I love that place.”

He smiles at you. “I know. Can I heat up some soup for you?”

When you nod, Sunghoon moves to the correct cabinet and pulls out everything he needs. It astounds you because he’s only ever been to your apartment twice before, both times with your other friends in tow. It dawns on you that it’s the first time the two of you are alone in your space. You’re touched that he remembers where your things are.

He beckons you to sit on the counter in front of the steaming bowl and the aroma of spices makes your mouth water. You haven’t been able to eat consistently in the past few days, surviving on bland foods like bread and crackers to sustain your health because anything else made you feel sicker than you were. The steam feels good against your skin and you dig in right away.

Sunghoon pulls your hair back when it gets close to the rim and holds it for you while you lap up the soup. It seems as though you’re hungrier than you thought because you sit there wordlessly, shoveling liquid into your mouth while Sunghoon watches.

“Sorry,” you apologize. “I must look like a zoo animal.”

“You’re sick, Y/N. You have nothing to apologize for. The first meal you can stomach is the best one.” It’s like he gets you. Sunghoon continues to hold your hair back until you’re finished. He washes the bowl and spoon, and puts it back where they belong.

Sunghoon turns around and looks at you under the ambient lighting you and your roommate put up in lieu of the overhead lights. It feels like he’s inspecting you and you try really hard not to think about the fact that you don’t feel presentable in this moment.

“Your apartment feels very you,” Sunghoon says. “I like all of the green furniture and the art on the wall.”

“My roommate picked the decor out but I’m starting to understand why she loves art so much.”

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” he asks, looking at you. “Would you want to go to an art museum with me?”

“I’d really like that.”

Sunghoon pulls you by the hand to your couch and you try your best not to feel flustered with his touch. He sits you down on the cushion and immediately you feel like you need to be hyper vigilant because he’s looking around the apartment and you’re wondering if he can see the messes you see.

“Do you have a blanket? We could watch some TV. Or I could go. I don’t know.”

“Don’t go.” You say it too quickly but Sunghoon’s shoulders relax. “The blankets are beside the couch.”

He drapes it over you, leaving himself to fend for the cold. Although you’re sure he’s pretty warm, you open up the blanket and invite him to share it with you.

This is new territory. You two have just been talking. But Sunghoon isn’t deterred. He slots himself next to you and doesn’t shy away when he feels your arm pressed against him.

“Sorry for the mess. And for, well…” He watches you gesture to your face, which is undoubtedly red with dark circles underneath your eyes.

“You don’t have to apologize for anything. I still like you.”

You aren’t used to him being so upfront like this. He watches you with easy eyes, the kind of feeling that makes you believe what he says. Sunghoon is pretty reserved when it comes to these types of things and you often find yourself being the one to push him towards his bolder side. But even though you feel flustered by his words and underneath his stare, you like this newer side of him.

“I’m such a mess.”

Sunghoon watches you push your forehead into his shoulder in an attempt to hide yourself from him. He smiles at your antics and loves the feeling of your body on his. He’s been hesitant to do things like hold your hand or kiss your cheek in fear or overstepping a boundary. He doesn’t know what came over him when he held your hair back from falling into the hot soup. He knows very well that he could’ve asked where you kept your hair ties, but helping you when he knows you need it felt like the right thing to do.

Now, he wonders if you’re growing bolder with him too. You let your forehead rest against his hoodie as you take deep breaths. He hears you sniffle a few times and nearly coos at the mere thought of you suffering from your sickness. When you pull yourself away from him, the tip of your nose is slightly runny and your eyes look a bit more red than usual.

“I feel like I got hit by a truck.”

He bites his lip. “You could look worse.” You try not to let your cheeks rise in heat.

“You’re just being nice.”

Sunghoon laughs and shakes his head. He could never lie about how he feels towards you. “Nope. You still look really cute.” He watches the gears work inside your head and locates the TV remote when you don’t say anything. “What do you want to watch?”

“I dunno.”

“C’mon, you must’ve been watching TV while you were cooped up here.”

You shake your head. “Migraine, remember? Felt like my eyes were gonna burst.”

This time, he coos out loud. Sunghoon puts on a show you’ve mentioned enjoying in the past and hopes he chose correctly. You seem to be mellowing out and paying attention to the screen in front of you until you start breathing heavily. It’s not until he hears you try to silence a small coughing fit that he shoots up from his seat and pours you a glass of water.

“Here.” Sunghoon doesn’t let you hold the glass. Instead, he beckons your mouth open by placing the rim between your lips and lets you swallow the water, tilting it up until you’ve consumed all of it. He wipes the excess water from the corners of your mouth with his thumb and looks down at you with concern. “Do you have any tea? I can make you some. Hopefully that’ll soothe your throat.”

“Stupid medicine isn’t working,” you grumble. “I might as well perish.”

“Tea, baby,” Sunghoon says, the pet name rolling off his tongue with ease. You almost don’t notice it. “Where do you keep your tea and honey?”

“Cabinet beside the fridge.”

Sunghoon comes back a few minutes later with piping hot chamomile tea with honey. You don’t know how he does it, anticipating your every need and putting just enough honey where it doesn’t feel like you’re stuffing your throat with the sweet nectar. You sip on it slowly as he situates himself back underneath the blanket and keeps his eyes on the television while you try to calm your erratic heartbeat.

Eventually, the episode finished and it’s almost four in the morning when you start to get sleepy. Sunghoon hears you yawning beside him and does his best not to grin like a lovesick idiot when you push your body against his in an attempt to get comfortable. You’re holding the empty cup loosely in your hands when your eyes start to droop and as much as Sunghoon would love to stay like this, he knows it’ll be better for you to sleep in your own bed with your back against the mattress.

“Baby,” Sunghoon whispers. He grabs the mug from your hands and sets it on the coffee table. “I think you should sleep in your bed. You’ll feel a lot better when you wake up.”

“But you’re so warm.”

He bites back a smile. “Thank you, but you’re gonna wake up with back pain and I know you’ll be mad that you didn’t sleep with pillows.”

He’s right and you know it but that doesn’t stop you from letting a whine slip past. Sunghoon doesn’t complain when you lean on him for support (or rather, you push your full weight onto him because you cannot be bothered with physical tasks at this late hour). Instead, he holds your waist with his arm and guides you into your bedroom from his memory of coming here a couple times before now.

Despite this, he’s never been inside your room. You’ve always kept the door closed but as he opens it, Sunghoon completely melts at how your bedroom is so utterly you. The dark green comforter hugs your queen-sized bed and a mountain of pillows cover the top near the bed frame. Your desk is an organized mess of notebooks, pens, and highlighters you carry with you during study sessions. Photographs in pretty frames decorate your walls along with posters of your favorite music and films.

He spots a picture of the two of you from that day at the amusement park when Heeseung insisted on taking a photo since the lighting was “perfect.” Sunghoon suspected that wasn’t the case but let him take it anyhow. He always considered that to be his first official memory with you. Knowing you might feel the same makes Sunghoon’s heart flutter.

“Let’s get you into bed, yeah?”

His soft touches make you fall much deeper into your tiredness. The mattress below you feels too good to be true as Sunghoon opens the blankets for you to crawl underneath. He watches you carefully as you scoot to one side and make yourself comfortable, wondering if you’re enjoying the side of him that wants to pamper you.

When you’re all tucked in with the blankets underneath your chin, Sunghoon can’t help but lean down and brush a few stray hair strands from your face. He caresses your cheek and holds himself back despite your lips being right in front of him. Instead, he settles for rubbing your soft cheek with his thumb before leaving.

Except, you reach out and grab onto his wrist. “Where are you going?”

His looks back at you in the dim light. “Home, baby. I’ll let you sleep.”

The pout you’re wearing is tearing him limb from limb. “I don’t want you to go home.”

“No?”

You shake your head. “Please…I haven’t seen you at all this week.” Sunghoon hears the strain in your voice and he isn’t sure if you’re awake enough to know what you’re saying. “I-I just want you here with me.”

How could he say no to that?

Sunghoon sits on the empty side of the bed and lets you guide your hand in his bigger one. He watches as you shake your head and he’s about to ask what you mean when you open the blanket.

He feels momentarily guilty when he pulls his hand away from you because he hears you whine again, but he slips off his hoodie to avoid overheating. He’s left in his sweatpants and a loose shirt when sliding into your bed right next to you.

You waste no time and attach yourself to Sunghoon, pushing your body until you’re resting on his chest. He does his best not to let his heartbeat give him away. This is the most he’s ever touched you. At best, he’d brush his hand against yours and waited for the right time to hold it. Today feels like he’s thrown caution into the wind.

Sunghoon puts his glasses on your night table and pulls you close to him, encircling his arms until he finds a comfortable position. Your warm breaths litter his skin and he feels like he could run laps with how happy he is in this moment. You look so cute with your body limp against his. He loves that you’re not hesitant around him anymore and hopes you know just how much he wants you close to him.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Sunghoon says in the dark, unsure if you’re still awake or not.

“What’s your secret?”

Your eyes remain closed, eyelashes covering your beautiful eyes and your cheeks are squished into a pout against his chest. He looks down at you like you’re precious cargo and a rare gem he never wants to let go of.

“I really want to kiss you.”

You don’t say anything. Instead, Sunghoon feels you move your head until you press a kiss against his chest, allowing your lips to linger for a few seconds before reverting back to your original position.

“Kiss me tomorrow.”

Sunghoon hears you snoring soon after.

“Yeah,” he whispers to himself. “I can do that.”

***

comments and reblogs are appreciated! x

[funnyscienceman]

ok so umm thoughts

Dont like that ori didnt get to do her 'going down to help despite dad's orders', unless somehow she did that as the, like what, twelve year old she's stuck as in that coccoon? So there's hers AND viktor's agency down the drain lmao

Singed actually being, if not corin, A reveck is still cool. Though idk why corin would be a separate person at this rate. I guess it's not impossible. In any case the locket has the initials C.R. on it in fancy writing so take that how you will

I love singed being goofy doing his own thing hes so funny

'No one in power is innocent' and also 'Patience is a virtue that comes with age, both of which I have in abundance' and like everything else in that scene. singed ily

I just love singed getting to be emotional. Getting to talk more and do more besides the baseline stuff in s1. Believe me i love those too bits too but i love singed BECAUSE he can have all this depth and is still somehow extremely silly lmfao

'Chin up, little one.' HE KNOWS HOW TO TALK TO CHILDREN. like we already knew that from his scene with viktor but it's just cool getting to see more of it. He knows how to talk to kids, how to interact with them, because he was ACTUALLY HALFWAY DECENT AT THE DAD THING. granted we dont get to see much of him being a dad with ori alive and walking around but im honesty willing to bet on it, because

Doesnt that make him MORE fucked up? That he would know how to be gentle, how to talk to kids, "Don't be afraid. You built this? Why aren't you playing with the others?" "Chin up, little one. We won't be in there for long." THE TONE OF VOICE. He CAN be decent, he CAN be kind, and he CHOOSES to experiment on and torture people and hurt people and let them get hurt for his own ends. Even his own PUPIL, he's willing to sabotage, just to get to warwick, for orianna. I have no doubts that he gives A shit about viktor, but he also loves Ori and he's put her in a coccoon and did she want that?

Besides the fact that he also could just see how the whole thing was some measure of fucked up and was like nah yeah thats not gonna last lmao heres ur warning kid, take it or leave it

In the moment i had thought that the instant cut from isha to singed at the rally was singed seeing that a kid was getting hurt and choosing that moment to act, but that could've also just been a cut to his reaction to cutting himself to draw warwick out, idk. This is just a footnote it doesnt matter much in the grand scheme of things lmao

Singed in a public space. Never thought i would see the day

THE BEDTIME STORY LITERALLY BEING THEIR SITUATION FFS

I will never recover from all this singed material. What's that? Viktor's started a cult? Jayce has a beard? Caitlyn's flip-flopping allegiances? Dude i dont care, im just here for singed. Look at him being goofy how could you not love him

Though to be real i am going to mourn the massive change to Ori's lore. What was so cool about the idea to me was how Orianna took her own life into her hands, first from dad, then death, and then dad again. I was baffled by it before, but upon rereading it i realize now why Ori left after giving dad her heart — he couldnt stop her from leaving anymore. It's framed as 'oh she's not human anymore so she has to find her place in this world' but it's really the root of her going down to Zaun in the first place: not the part where she's kind and giving, but the wanderlust. She wanted to go out and see the world, and Corin was always like no, it's too dangerous, you're staying here; and he was even pretty sucky about it by making the mechanical lungs require a key for winding, which he kept on his person up until he got sick. After the surgery, Ori took the key and left.

I'd thought myself that it was because she couldnt face him afterwards — i mean, she DID drug her dad and then perform heart surgery on him, using herself as the donor, all without his knowledge or consent; loving a gesture as it was it's still pretty fucked up LMAO — but i guess there's no reason for it to not be multiple things at once. And not like it matters much given s2 act2

One thing i find funny is how ori's image in the locket keeps changing. In s1 she looked like a lil baby, a preschooler maybe. In singed's arcane skin she looked like a teenager or even a young adult. Here in act 2 she looks like a tween lmao pick one rito

My thoughts are all over the place. Im no good at organizing. It's 12am and im brimming with energy.

Honestly no matter what happens, i think it'll be fine. Whatever riot declares as canon, you dont have to keep it. The thing about creative stuff like stories and characters is that once they're out there, they're not just the creators' anymore. That's the fun part about fanfic, we can just do our own thing and ignore whatever mess is going on in 'canon' lmfao

I like the idea of Ori's story being intact, and singed being corin reveck, and ori still going fullmetal and doing the heart surgery and leaving all before arcane even starts. I like the idea of s1 leading directly to all the fun fun fun stuff of league and LoR lore. Also i think singed doing all this unhinged science stuff and keeping himself alive just to preserve the last piece of his daughter, which she had given to him to save him, is pretty neat, so. I'm gonna stick with all that unless something absolutely drastic changes my mind

(Also i think it'd be funny if the worst man to ever walk Runeterra only came to exist/didnt die when nature said he should simply because his daughter, piltover's best most moral champion, loved him so much she gave him the last of her humanity to save him. Like congrats ori, your dad is still alive and kickin! Bad news is he has now aided and abetted imperialism/colonialism, chemical warfare, drug trafficking, and up to a thousand and maybe more awful awful human experiments and other crimes against humanity. Like can you imagine her coming back to piltover and finding all that out? That could mess her up. And wouldnt that be a neat character conflict to work out! Maybe with viktor who's also trying to find a balance between helping people and cold hard machinery! I love this little bubble and i will never leave thanks hahaha)

[silvaurum]

poem rought draft: title will be the name of whichever gospel verse is 'what you do to the least of these you do to me'

something about jesus being crucified by romans but its just a list of ways civil rights activists who were martyred by the state died, famously martyred marginalized people.

jesus was crucified on the balcony of a hotel after a long career of preaching. jesus was crucified while sleeping in bed next to his lover and child. jesus was crucified in a jail cell. his body was never recovered from the immigrant detention center where his parents were held separately. the romans celebrated their continued safety today; the romans called the palestinian jew a threat to their holy roman empire and declared him a terrorist before crucifying him via drone. democracy in roman judea can now continue in peace, said pontias pilate. jesus was crucified to a barbed wire fence and left to die. jesus was crucified by a vigilante roman citizen, but a jury of found him not guilty of murder-- the crucifixtion was reasonable self defense for a roman standing his ground. jesus was found crucified several hundred miles from the border wall, dying of thirst on his journey to flee from herod. jesus was crucified in a car after hours of desperate phone calls, pinned by roman snipers who killed every disciple who came near to help. jesus was crucified upon the rocks off the coast of greece while seeking asylum.

i don't know how to end this prose poem though.

but you see what i mean about 'god wants me to preach and i clearly have things to say; however im a transsexual panthiest non-christian' ?? why is it all me rebuking christians, like i know why in part because im always dealing with their bullshit where they hate jesus of nazareth the man who had teachings, but claim to follow 'christ' as long as christ is a mechanism they use to not think about what virtue wants or needs. like it really gets me that these 'christians' think all jesus did was DIE and have no interest in the vast majority of what he said and did in their own record keeping. "WWJD" you don't need to ask 'would' you KNOW what he did with the same things in his own life. 'ohhh ugh what would jesus think about our awful porn-addled cross-dressers" idk how did he deal with ~sexual sinners~ in his own time? he hung out with prostitutes all the time? he saved an adulteress from being killed in the name of god? yeah man sounds like he'd be fine with me. he's got a bunch of verses about not judging other sinners i can pull up for you if you really wanna know what he'd do. because he Would do the same shit he Did do, i'm gonna say, which was, yknow, his whole shtick. the infinite love and mercy thing. the love thy neighbor and care for the poor sick widow and foreigner. quit crying about the prostitutes making your province unclean and unholy and start fixing your fucking heart. if you're going to blaspheme an infinitely loving god at least come up with a reason, you hacks

[ooglywooglies]

personal 👇

im feeling a bit like ass, i kind of always am its the nature of being disabled and unemployed but its feeling a little extra strenuous lately because about 2 months ago my husband lost his job, he was a court typist and it paid well enough that we dont need a roommate (or rent is extremely fair for the current cost of living crisis though bc of some weird circumstances with our landlord) he was made redundant bc the company is doing some stupid labor rights violations that im not going to get into. but anyway when he lost his job he had all his annual leave paid out which was a couple months worth to live on while he looked for a new job

problem is all this happened in like, late november, which means no one was fucking hiring because it was christmas and he only just now got another job. i thought we had maybe a month of safety net left from the payout but turns out i was wrong and its completely gone as of like literally this week, in the meantime rents due and seems our electricity bill is high because the heat is relentless and i asked if we should tone it down with the AC usage and he was like "well if we do that well probably literally die of heat stroke so"

i think we will be okay, i think we will be able to recover from it pretty soon

the reason im extra stressed is because literally in two days i have a fucking adhd consult ive been waiting 3 months for thats going to cost 200 dollars AND we have to schedule another doctors appointment very soon bc the copd ive been ignoring turns out, gets worse when you ignore it and ive nearly had to go to the hospital AND my stupid fucking back is killing me so bad we need to move on the surgery shit so it can get DONE with so i can RECOVER so i can fucking get up and HELP MY GODDAMN HUSBAND

it sucks! it sucks! this timing is so bad! my body is fucking falling apart at the seams and we have no money! but were not fucked quite yet. so im just. a little bit anxious.

were kind of banking on the fight the fair work commissions having with his old job to get him another payout bc theyre not taking him back, esp knowing that theyre pushing for AI and other dumb shit so they dont have to pay people to transcribe (which is not what they made him redundant for, they wanted him to switch to contract work so they wouldnt have to pay his superannuation or give him sick leave)

it sucks to be a useless mass but it sucks worse to be a useless mass that costs so much money

[that-kid89]

03.26.2024

numb the pain. <- song of my day

but like a happy day for me? tbh definitely ended on more of high note, a spark of hope after being unemployed for a week now.

i feel like i could write 15 sentences at the same time right now.

madness, insanity, sickness, disturbed, panic.

ecstasy, highs, journeys, toys, wanderlust.

modest, numb, emotional, passive.

literally just writing random words that pop in my head. feels like gonzo clarity. check me if it's narcissism. too much pride.

daily average for screen time on my iphone is 3.5 hours for the 3 days this week.

read and skimmed all the back to my opener post. i initially felt bad, sad, and let down. reading my thoughts of love for heather, but more so my feelings towards my self. talking to myself in this blog, scolding him nearly. listing my needs and realizing where i sit that i made not one attempt at getting those things. were they really needs or just fantasies though.

kinda feelin like fuck all that shit. maybe its the beers and esteem boost from my first hearing back on one the applications i sent out in the last 7 days.

whats always wild to me, is how i can drift off into my dreams, when i'm awake. the rare night where i just daydream and not even sleep. its so crazy to me, and i dont recall talking about that seriously with someone. wish i did with heather. but also the stimulation i get from twist my hair into knots. sometimes it hurts so good. but i get mad when it's really knotted, and i gotta rip it apart, usually with hair being ripped out. insane.

talking about today now. woke up late, but earlier than i thought after falling asleep around 3am. tried not to drink but caved last night and had a few swigs of casamigos followed by a lovely beer. technically counts as today! well i suppose only the events beginning at 12:00am. fuck it, yeah so i woke up, and funny i keep checking my phone for all kinds of notifications. first thing i read was a message from christian on insta about the boat hitting the bridge in baltimore. this is recent to the mass shooting in russia, god damn dark news. still seeing a bunch of posts about necann. i'm glad i've been to events, but felt i had no place going this year. i don't think i've been when working in the industry, but definitely when i was younger. took a much needed shower today and trimmed up. then went to whole foods and petco. nearly bought the exact same things from each store, from i got yesterday. took the amg out though, and always get excited to drive that beast. let it warm up right, cold start was rowdy as always. deffs got some good pops and bangs. fuckin car is so quick too, and so exhilarating. however i did get this great beer as well called "termination". spent a lot of time looking at crafties to get, and ultimately chose this one although it being a triple ipa. 10% abv and damnnnn smooth. i'm on my second one tonight. sipping out the duvel big round chalice that i got from an xmas yankee swap one year. but anyway, getting a hit back on an application from only yesterday was an esteem boost. seems like a company tha could really use my help, and that they'll have a lot of work cut out for me. falling in love a bit quick as i do my homework on them. keeping in my mind that its only a teams meeting planned for next week but was still the first i've heard in a week. this last week has felt like freedom. but also emptiness. i do miss my last job, and still trying to get a good understanding of how it ended. but it feels a lot like the lat time heather and i broke up. i had reached my breaking points with them months ago, and never recovered. but they cite a recent mishandling of a heroin related customer incident at the store, which i can see how they perceive as mishandling, but damn it really felt good to get fired. i just walked out they of my term. instant relief, not much to finalize with them either. anyway

running out of steam with my writing. im glad i did. btw, song of the day came from nowhere. i somehow had the song stuck in the head, and i searched a rough idea of the lyrics with xxxtentacion and nailed it. i've had it on repeat all day since. had it on loop in the car, and had it on loop during this whole session. a classic way i've listened to my favorite x songs, a repetitive lyric design with just guitar chords or sample. feel like he's here with me, just sharing his emotions with me.

came to love his music after a distinct memory of mine, being when i shurgged off his death as i read him to be an abuser in his relationship. came to realize he had remorse in his actions, and was on a mission that i never would found out myself. this girl told me he was one of her favs, and that's when i got into him. his music still took time to grow on me, but ive now listened to most of his music, and i think all of his albums, all the way through, multiple times. 17, ?, skins, bad vibes forever, and some of his early stuff from mixtapes and singles. but yeah, quite a learning and growing experience. ending sentences on the 4 beat, or like a significant strum or beat, just feels so good.

rest in peace jahseh.

thank you for helping me open up my mind in so many ways.

here's to me, and the life i've lived and will continue to complete. excited to see where life takes me. for now, a nostalgic night of no responsibilities, weed and beer.

signing off.

[manwhorror]

im rapidly approaching another transitional phase in my life (graduating college, and moving back home) and im thinking about the previous transitional phases of my life and how important those little slots of time were to my development.

i think when you change environments or situations it gives you a new opportunity to reinvent yourself. not that you can't do that at any time, but there's a gap that you can slip through unnoticed while no one is looking to do so. its almost embarrassing to change yourself in broad sweeps while other people are paying attention to you. like a change in self has to happen over a period of time on accident, instead of a deliberate calculation of like... okay where do i want to go from here. i guess no one wants to be seen as self-obsessed. i have always been weird about being perceived as self-obsessed. im not entirely sure why. i think partially the misogyny i endured in my upbringing (how dare you, a girl, give a fuck about yourself in a world where no one gives a fuck about girls.)

i have also been very weird about calculating my life. i tried to stop doing this, because it became such a weird thing, but most of my thoughts are thought in past tense. i don't know when it started, but its almost like i think as if im giving an interview to someone else about my life as an old person. its embarrassing to talk about and i feel very exposed doing so. its like i calculate every move and if someone finds out im not actually acting as naturally as im actually pretending to be ill be found out as a fraud. i act as though im being seen through a camera at all times, viewing myself in third person. that's another thing i tried to stop doing. ive done that my whole life. i think that's another thing really tied up with gender. i think it started as an anxious thing, and as i was starting to question my gender it was sort of a self-policing of my femininity, then when i transitioned it was a self-policing of both my femininity and masculinity. i had to try to see myself in the eyes of others to guess at how i was being perceived. and moment by moment, person by person, it was different. i had to act accordingly, or they would tell that something was "off." if i thought they saw me as a girl, i would act accordingly, and vice versa. since i began to pass ive been able to shake this off a bit, but im still wary of the way im perceived. (especially as a bi man who is read as gay frequently.)

one of the first big life transitions i experienced was around the time that i came out as trans. these were two, quite frankly horrible events that happened so unexpectedly that i don't think i ever really left the whiplash from them. one of which was my parents' divorce, which was shocking and out of the blue to begin with, and hard for any child to grapple with, but made worse with the sudden and horrifying sickness and death of a family member only a few months later.

i often think about how my life would be if these two things didn't happen. would i be better off? worse? im really not sure. they felt like a change in the timeline, or some disruption of reality that i never fully returned to. in some way, i turned my heart off when my family member got sick, and it never really recovered from that. at the same time... i don't think i could remove these events in my life. the massive change and the distraction to my parents gave me the cover i needed to fully reinvent myself when it was much, much needed. i was able to leave behind an identity that was uncomfortable and reinvent myself out of the spotlight, and out of the way.

i think big life changes can also offer a new sense of perspective on the world. especially big, earth-shattering changes like death or other griefworthy events. i recently experienced another loss in my personal life. something that has sort of made the world feel different again. the wound is too fresh to make a commentary on it quite yet, and like i said ive been trying to quit that anyway.

i hope the next segment in my life is good. i don't want to keep defining chapters of my life by tragedy.

[truc0nfessionz]

today i feel really sick and sad.

a lot of it is work. if im being honest, im tired. 5 years of constant changes and sprinting in new directions has fucking worn on me. 5 years of new bosses, new products, new leadership and the same disorganized CEO - it gets exhausting after a while.

it’s hard to be the one who champions every change, the one who always produces something from nothing. it’s hard to keep putting in “my all”, all of which gets thrown away when we see the next shiny object to chase. i get it, it must be hard to be ultimately responsible for the fate of the business and i really do have empathy for that.

but it is really hard to keep sprinting alongside it all. at some points, your legs give out and you’re just getting dragged. i try to be grateful there’s a company still here to drag me at all after all the questionable leadership we’ve seen.

i feel like i’m in jess’ crosshairs right now. she’s pissed that the CS numbers look bad, somehow conveniently forgetting that they forced me to go to absolute minimum viable staffing. now she’s focused on the hoops i can jump through to fix it. meanwhile, the answer is i just need more people.

and honestly, i get tired of jumping. i get tired of telling the same stories. i am so grateful to have this income, but the way it wears on my soul is starting to get old.

i hope it’s a phase. i hope we recover. i hope the metrics improve enough for her to focus her energy somewhere else and leave my team in peace. but if not, i guess we’ll see what happens. i guess we’ll see how much energy i can give and what happens when i finally can give no more. cause damn, i am so tired.

also, i’m still deeply hurt about my 30th birthday and the fact that my best friend and my parents didn’t really show up for me. i didn’t get a birthday card, a flower, a balloon, nothing. neither party tried to call me on my day. it’s like it was nothing to them. and considering I’M the person who shows up for them in every way - i go to great lengths to always make sure they feel special, loved, appreciated - it’s so fucking hurtful to me that they couldn’t even give me 10% of what i give them.

and it hurts a lot specifically from K. i’ve always said she’s the one who knows my heart. she would know that i literally don’t need expensive gifts or an equal contribution - i just want to be acknowledged in SOME WAY that shows you thought about me before this physical moment when i’m standing here. why would i have to explain that to someone who has claimed to know me and be my best friend for YEARS?

honestly, i don’t know how to get over this. i can see how to many it wouldn’t be a big deal, but to me it’s very personal. it’s the biggest milestone birthday ive had in a decade…. and you did nothing at all.

it’s actually enough for me to wonder if i’m going to continue the friendship at all. why would i show up for anyone who doesn’t show up for me?

and to add insult to injury - the fucking expensive ass gift i got her for christmas (that she ASKED FOR) isn’t the right thing in the end and she wasn’t even going to TELL ME during the period where i could actually get my money back. she would have let it sit there and let me waste my money entirely instead of just be honest with me.

how on earth is this someone who cares about me? the math doesn’t math on that at all. it just doesn’t.

so if i have to let this go overall, i have to. and it would hurt like hell for a long time. it fucking hurts right now. but as a 30 year old woman, i can’t show up for people who don’t show up for me. i won’t.

just because you’ve been a part of my life in the past doesn’t mean i can take you into the future. but i will let it go with love. i will wish nothing but the best for those who don’t move on with me. but i will hold the love for myself most dear - because at the end of the day: i can’t love anyone who doesn’t love me the same way.

so yeah i’m really fucking tired right now. just exhausted with work and with life. and honestly, if my best friend and i break up i might be exhausted for a long, long time. but i’m gonna push on. i’m gonna do what i can do. and no matter what, im gonna live a great life. with or without those who didn’t show up for me.

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Men's Tinder Profiles Part 14

Friends, it’s been a while but I’m feeling inspired. We could all use a laugh.

Blow me up with your stories, I will return the favour in a different way!: My stories are very violent

Hey, I’m [Name]. I like to stay active with home workouts and gym sessions: honestly, a level of laziness that I have to respect

I like it all and find it easy to get into conversation. Less politics the better though (mindfulness): is that what mindfulness is?

I must admit, I was born at an early age: yeah, we all were, man

I believe people take to many pictures of themselves, especially dudes. If you have more than 2 it’s too much. First should be DL and the last one: fellas, is it gay to gaze upon your own visage?  

If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off: You cannot convince me that this is not what flat earthers believe

No I don’t eat chicken n rice. I only eat nachos tyvm!: So offended by the two most common foods in the world

No Low Vibrational Shit. Im impressed by almost nothing: I’m no vibrations expert, but surely never being impressed by anything isn’t the good vibes-producer you think it is?

If ur someone that wakes up in the morning and the 1st thing u do is eat food and then brush your teeth don’t match me plse: This totally mystifies me in a way I really love

I just discovered that I like sushi it’s ok if you don’t like it I will never ask you to go to the restaurant with me: will he just never go to a restaurant with me period or just that sushi restaurant in particular?

If you can climb me like a tree, then I will expose my flaws, and also…intelligence is a vivacious. Handle that, then we can get hands on…show me u can be a commander of chiefs: I have so many questions. Are the flaws a reward? A vivacious what? Which chiefs am I commanding?

Just a young 29 year old very energized young man Looking for a beautiful thick mature juicy cougar woman…I’m a young energizer bunny that goes deep for long hours: hey, do you think this guy is freaking out about turning 30?

Trust me I’m on job. I ain’t trying to blow my own trumpet but every time I meet up with someone, have sex, make love whatever they always say they can’t feel there legs I don’t get it is it a nervous system thing or something. Or maybe they’ve watched too much which chicks but anyways I’m apparently paralysing women: this just really cracks me up. No notes.

The current efforts are for the sake of not asking others for help in the future. Strength is the strongest foundation. Remember, life is not about winning sympathy through tears, but winning applause through sweat: I would argue that life is about neither of those things

Fat, lazy, nerdy, piece of garbage. Looking for will to live. I’ve been told I have a soothing aura: this can’t possibly be true

Sorry hoes u had ur chance but Ark Survival ascended is out its Game Time now: how ever will we comfort ourselves?

If swipe right = Okay with clothes ripped: inaccurate

Not interested in Norses, real estate agents, fitness sick girl’s, vegetarian, and women with children from different fathers: he wants to slut shame, but he also hates Vikings and people who want to sell him a house

I think the world of Canada. But Canada doesn’t provide women in return. Canada is a dishonourable citizenship: this man thought that he’d take his oath to the queen and then his nationally assigned wife would be like “let’s go”

Tired of endless swiping? Bored with ‘modern dating’? Sick of comparing and being compared? Fuck all that! Ler’s build a Sex temple, run by a robot mommy, that does all the boring decision making for us and leaves us to have fun. Like life is supposed to be, remember?: Dating apps are always a bit dystopian but this truly takes it to another, more terrifying level. Look, if I ever encounter an adult who wants a “robot mommy” in real life, I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.   

[omoriboii]

gimme the circle snuuy lore 👁👁 /lh

AAAHWWAhh UuUUm Ok a Y...uhhh

god I have so many versions of this type of au/scenario lemme just- picck on e

(TW for ED's/Eating Disorders for anyone sensitive to those)

Soooo I always thought it would make a lot of sense, characterization wise, that Sunny would have some form of difficult relationship with food. One of the few times you see him actually 'eat something' it's in the scenario of him waking up suddenly at night, attempting to eat something and then shortly after puking. Those two actions alone immediately struck a chord. It either meant one of two things.

1: Sunny ate a steak that wasn't properly cooked WHyThe FUck Did YoU MicRoWave A SteaK and got food poisioning

orrr..

2: Sunny has some form of anorexia/bulimia, and when he finally went downstairs to eat, he only did it purely out of instinctual emergency. The bulimic route meaning he immediately felt guilty about eating, or felt disgusted doing it, and therefore threw up, or it was anorexia, and he'd been sleeping constantly as a way to avoid taking care of himself, including eating, and when he did finally eat he had absolutely no idea to pace himself.

Thinking about this, it made me wonder the probability of how things would shape up post-good ending. As one of the ways someone can express forms of depression, guilt, or self loathing is starving themselves. I feel like if things happened the way they did (he got hospitalized because of funny Bagel man) and he ended up minorly disabled, a lot more attention would be put into making sure he'd recover okay, since it's a very common issue for underweight fellows to struggle with recovery.

I think at first (if Sunny's mom did truly care for him) they would try to establish a better schedule for him, including regular meals and activities that wasn't ENTIRELY based on just sleeping 24/7 that would first help boost him from being an underweight twig to actually normal weight.

Though with most people who go through recovery of traumatic events, having a form of coping would be almost mandatory. I think in Sunny trying to correct his poor self-care habits he may end up overdoing it a bit, since he's seen to be one of the least physically active of the group, and often depriving himself of food (which it does genuinely seem like he has interest in food! Just look at all the food oriented things in his dreams) I feel like overeating for him would end up happening easily because he probably hadn't given himself the liberty to actually enjoy himself and do something that makes him feel happy.

He wouldn't feel like everything he did would be wrong because he hurt his sister.

In part of forgiving himself, he accidentally becomes big, probably gets invested in hobbies like drawing, or writing, and maybe violin again if he can will himself to do it again for his own sake. None of those hobbies would be very physically taxing anyways, and with everyone worrying about whether or not he's gonna become depressed/suicidal again, of course they're gonna offer him cookies and shit and be like (hey I know this thing makes you happy and I want you to be happy type of scenario.)

So when Sunny finally comes back to meet his friends again, they all realize that he's definitely changed as a person, but also that they now have the ultimate cuddle buddy if they ever decided to do sleepovers again.

I think chubby Sunny would both feel a lot more at peace with himself, and Mari, but also probably kinda pouty because damn, maintaining a normal frame isn't as easy as it was in his dreams- lmao.

ALSO ONE SIDE NOTE- (i know this is long im so sorry) but it's also a lot more probable for previous Anorexics/Bulimics to accidentally gain a lot more weight because when going through the process of starving your body's immune system drops which makes the probability of sickness and weight gain easier because your metabolism is much slower.

Hahahah round Snuuy stuck in bed sicc while doodling and eating soup dpfikoguydfihugofdliugfdnjligfdklgd

[theloveinc]

Same anon about putting pussy on the phone- it’s 11:43 pm and I can’t sleep LOL.

Flip the script. You have to get surgery- bakugou is LITERALY waiting around for you like a FUCKING dog. He’s so stressed it’s not even funny. It kind of is tbh can’t he looks like his normal too big for the waiting chairs self but he’s low key freaking out. He can’t lose you- he’s too scared to lose you. He would literally get a medical degree so he could just do the surgery his damn self so you won’t die. (He’s dramatic)

The moment he can see you he’s literally not leaving your side. Need to pee but you’re a fall risk? He doesn’t care that bed alarm is off because you’re up he’d be damned if you get a uti on top of this major surgery. Hungry? He’s not letting you eat the hospital food- hes calling his old man and making him make you food since he won’t leave your side.

When you finally get to go home hes the one to push you in the wheelchair to his all black sleek car. When he opens the door the passenger seat is already set up for you. It might as well be a bed from how many blankets, pillows, and anything plush is in that seat. He would LITERALLY TUCK YOU INTO THAT SEAT HOLY SHIT LIKE HE LITERALLY IS ACTING LIKE YOURE DYING. JFC BAKUGOU IT WASNT THAT BIG OF A SURGERY.

You’re so doped out you’re just smiling like crazy while you’re head rocks back and forth in the seat while you watch the cars pass by. You keep trying to reach up and play with his ears since they’re big but in a cute way and he keeps smacking your hand away and mumbling under his breath angrily. You’ve always loved his ears- they come out some and he has them pierced! A little chunk is missing from a accident when he was younger which has caused him to go deaf as well in that ear and he also does this cute thing when he’s stressed where he will tug or mess with his ear -

IM RAMBLING IM SORRY

(i'm just jealous of you for even being in bed at 11:43pm smh, but) I LITERALLY ADORE THIS? ALL OF IT??? AND it's so accurate, too????? The medical degree part is sending me... sooooo, so true bestie. He's such a fiend.

AND getting Masaru to cook, too sadhjfkadj. Waking up from a nap and seeing both him and his dad fiddling with the little, hospital room mini-fridge. You're like, "Masaru-san? You didn't have to cook!!!" and he's just smiling and shaking his head because Bakugo would've ended his life if he hadn't (and if he's an even BETTER cook than Katsuki, you don't say anything.)

(Also laughing at the thought of Mitsuki coming too, and heckling the doctor about the most random shit. Sitting next to your bed, her magazine on her lap, all, "You haven't changed my child's pillow case in TWO days? And all your tea is _ brand? What the hell do we pay our insurance for???

Like... CHILD? Tea????? And you'd think Bakugo would tell her to stop but he's just nodding right there along with her LOOOL.)

God, I wanna add onto everything but you talked about it all so perfectly already😭Bakugo adjusting the pillows against you 100 times before finally starting to drive. Getting so flustered by your tickling because he wants to respond and tell you to stop overexerting yourself but he's gotta keep his eyes on road. AND USUALLY, he's so nippy when you play with his ears cuz they're sensitive... but he just can't bring himself to get mad because you're injured and it's, it's... cute.

(Plus, I love your little headcanons about this!!!)

And overall, too... he love all your doped-up sleepy kisses, and the way you play with his fingers when you're bored in bed... and getting so antsy when he has to leave you for work, he calls once an hour AT LEAST, even when you're fine resting in bed or almost fully recovered. Screams at the neighbors when they do something irritating for "bothering an injured person..." skjdflkajsdhfajksd...

Literally... this whole thing is the best. Thank GOD you rambled. I swear.

(ANd Bakugo thanks you, too. He never thought he'd be so into caring for a sick person😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨) (iN A GOOD WAY)

[sickstarlight]

different causes of sickness

a friend had asked me for some advice on how I write differences between different types of sickness or reasons someone could get sick! so I typed up a reference of details I try to keep in mind in my writing. not by any means meant to be comprehensive but these are some of the more common things I see used or use myself!

eta: if you found this interesting or useful consider tipping me on kofi (/jallyns) or getting a $5 commission so I can fix my computer

drinking related:

drank too much: everyone’s threshold for this is going to be different obvs both in terms of how much alcohol they need and how wasted they’re able/willing to be before getting sick. also ime you have to be QUITE drunk for being drunk alone to make you sick, to the point where it may be dangerous, so personally I like this combined with something else - motion, something not sitting right in their stomach, etc - but it can be good otherwise too. probably the first thing the character will notice or be aware of if they have any warning is that being drunk stops feeling good at this point. they might feel flushed and/or clammy and will probably feel dizzy, their mouth might feel really dry depending on what they’ve been drinking. this is probably also the point where they recognize they have limited control of their body, feet might feel too heavy to move or head might be spinning, may feel very clumsy and suddenly become AWARE of it.

they might FEEL motion sick even if they’re not moving too because their motion sense is fucked at this point. might feel heavy but this is likely to be a whole body heaviness NOT just their stomach (though they might be very aware of it); might or might not be able to place the feeling of nausea. maybe burping but it depends on what they’ve been drinking (carbonated or not, mixed with soda, etc) and what else they ate! they MIGHT feel okay after throwing up but their friend probably shouldn’t let them drink anymore even if they do.

also this might come with very little warning, they may go from feeling fine and giggling with their friends to suddenly feeling Wrong to hurling all over the floor in a matter of minutes or even a few seconds. if they have friends with them who have been with them drunk regularly, depending on who’s more sober their friends might notice they look unsteady and/or queasy before they realize they don’t feel well.

other good things here: alcohol that tastes so strong it’s all they can taste when they throw it back up, feeling dizzy but not placing it as nauseous right away, feeling like their head is too heavy to lift. reeling on their feet when a drink hits them too hard and feeling the whole room spin.

drank too quickly - more likely to come on SUPER suddenly, but they’ll probably recognize it right away (unless they’ve already been drinking) because the alcohol hasn’t had time to get to their brain yet. so with gradually drinking more than they should they will get drunk first and THEN get sick, but if they drink too much too fast right off the bat they’ll start to feel some effects probably but they’ll also know pretty quick that their drinks aren’t gonna stay down.

hung over - throwing up from a hangover is a combination of a buildup of alcohol byproducts in the stomach, and the stomach lining being irritated + producing more acid. a headache is also a significant part of the misery of a hangover but (unlike a migraine, where the pain directly leads to vomiting) isn’t necessarily related to any queasiness, so the headache might get worse with sound, light, or movement, but their stomach likely won’t. they might feel a little like they have heartburn (or actually GET some acid reflux) from acid buildup, and their stomach might be sore or feel too warm as well as being upset. 

the only real cure for a hangover is slow sips of clear fluids and bland foods to help settle the stomach and reduce the acid, but lots of people swear by other things - certain kinds of foods, drinking more alcohol, etc, so that’s something you can have fun with! depending on how much alcohol is still in their bloodstream, they might also still feel a little drunk/tipsy and have some issues with their balance, thinking clearly, etc, which could make the nausea worse; also some people might always get sick from hangovers but others might not so consider how your character deals with that! They also might wake up sick, or feel sick right away, or might not feel sick at all until trying to get some fluids or take meds for their headache (especially since ibuprofen/aspirin also irritate the stomach lining).

food related:

ate too much -  character will likely feel bloated and tight, food might feel heavy in their stomach. depending on what they’re stuffed with there might be burping esp if there’s a lot of gas in their stomach, or a lot of gagging and unproductive dry heaving if it’s very heavy/solid. might need to drink something to get anything up, or have help from someone, or might just take a while to finally puke as their overstuffed stomach struggles to break down their meal enough that their stretched out muscles can get anything moving. any firm pressure on the stomach is gonna feel worse and likely to make them gag even if they’re not ready to throw up yet. maybe weak strained tummy noises as they try to digest. (side note if a lot of their stomach contents are liquid like soup, drinks, etc they’ll throw that up a lot faster; also a good excuse to discuss sloshing/jostling/swirling around in their tummy)

ate too quickly - ties in well to eating too much since it’s easy eating in a hurry to not realize you’re full until it’s already a little late - eating or drinking anything too fast can also make some people’s stomachs hurt or get upset in general, and is an easy way to end up swallowing a lot of air which can obviously lead to feeling much more full and tight with lots of burping that could easily bring up more!

ate something bad - this could be rotten, poorly prepared, or just something that upsets their stomach but what it is might change the feeling of it so there’s definitely variety here. probably also feels heavy but more localized, like they can feel the specific food they ate and where it’s settled in their stomach. might also be painful and cause cramping and tenderness. imo nausea from this is more likely to come in waves and recede but might also be more readily recognizable as nausea. some things I like in this scenario - character thinking about what they ate and feeling worse, imagining they can feel individual parts of their food in their stomach, burping and tasting what they ate (possibly noticing the taste having gone sour / etc in their stomach). good place to describe stuff like how greasy smt was/feeling the grease coating their stomach, or otherwise talk about the specific way the food feels in their tummy and how much it makes them want to puke. unlike with eating too much, they’re likely not to feel better until ALL of the offending food is out of their stomach (while with overeating, they may throw up a few times and then start to feel better once there’s less pressure on their stomach).

general notes - if something the character ate is what’s making them feel sick, a lot of focus on hyperawareness of how much food is in their stomach/how heavy it feels are gonna be big sensory things (as well as maybe taste, pressure/tightness, stomach contents moving around)

illness

appendicitis - if you’re looking for something more serious than food poisoning or a stomach bug, this is sure to end up with a character in the hospital as they’ll need surgery! the big distinguishing thing is pain, which will be sharp and located on the lower right side of the abdomen (or may start near the navel and move down). any kind of exertion or sudden muscle movement can make the pain worse. if the character or one of their caretakers is knowledgeable and suspects appendicitis, they might do the rebound test, which causes pain to get drastically worse AFTER placing pressure on the area and releasing it. sickness usually begins after the pain starts and may get worse when something exacerbates the pain as well.

in addition to nausea and vomiting, other symptoms can include fever, bloating, and bowel issues (either diarrhea or constipation), which will usually get worse over the course of the infection. if the character is treated soon enough (within 2-3 days) they’ll usually feel better after surgery and recover relatively quickly, but if they’re not seen by a doctor and the appendix ruptures they’ll likely need more extensive treatment including antibiotics and a longer hospital stay to make sure they won’t develop sepsis. (in some cases, symptoms could seem to suddenly go away when the appendix ruptures because it releases pressure, but worse symptoms would rapidly develop!)

rarely, there’s also such thing as chronic appendicitis, where milder symptoms may appear and recede over the course of weeks or months before developing into acute appendicitis and prompting surgery.

coughs, colds, strep, etc - can all cause vomiting as secondary symptoms thanks to postnasal drip, throat irritation, or forceful coughing. serious enough throat irritation or buildup of mucus can make a character gag, or feel the need to, and so can coughing up phlegm from their chest. if they’re sniffly and have their sinuses draining down the back of their throat, they may end up swallowing a lot of mucus too which can make them feel nauseous as their stomach gets full of sticky snot. I think these work best as emeto scenarios for characters with weak gag reflexes!

food poisoning - separate from eating something bad because food poisoning from a virus or bacteria is a longer lasting illness with a later onset; the character may first get sick within a few hours of eating the contaminated food, or it may incubate and make them sick within a day or two. like stomach flu (also frequently foodborne) many types can cause both vomiting and diarrhea, but symptoms vary depending on specific cause. characters also might puke early on and then develop more symptoms and become sicker later as bacteria multiply and produce toxins, and may take several days to recover from the later onset where they could have persistent nausea, or might feel okay and even regain their appetite if they don’t try to eat  but be unable to keep much or any food down. most types of food poisoning also cause pain, swelling, bloating, and cramping, usually in the lower part of the stomach and upper intestines, so those are other symptoms your character might have to deal with in addition to puking!

stomach flu - character may be feverish or achy as well as nauseous while their body fights the infection, which is an additional great source of hurt/comfort fuel! can cause both vomiting and diarrhea, so even food they manage to keep down might still sting them later. because it directly causes irritation and inflammation in the stomach and lower GI tract, character might throw up frequently or after every meal, or might be able to handle clear fluids but no solids, or some bland foods but nothing with significant sugar, spices, or fat. they also might only be able to drink or eat in very small amounts without bringing it back up. their stomach may hurt and feel like it’s cramping even if they haven’t tried to eat, and they may get only very brief relief of nausea after each time they’re sick because it reduces the immediate pressure on the stomach but not the inflammation; they might feel nauseous constantly or end up dry heaving even when there’s nothing in their stomach, and might need to keep a basin of some kind nearby for a couple of days since they can’t be sure if they’re done. dehydration is a common complication and can cause headaches, weakness, and dizziness in addition to other symptoms! the most common stomach virus, norovirus, is also EXTREMELY contagious, and virus particles can aerosolize and scatter widely during vomiting, so the caretaker may not be safe either.

injury, other medical

anaesthesia - people react to this in all kinds of ways but getting sick is really common so it can be combined with just about any reaction. character might be disoriented or dizzy and have trouble with balance, walking, other coordinated movement. some might be really confused and have trouble communicating their ideas clearly or say things that might not make any sense to other characters. from the anaesthetized character’s perspective though they’re  probably making total sense so it can also be fun to include their muddled thought process and what they’re feeling or thinking that they express in weird ways! other characters might feel pretty clearheaded and be able to communicate clearly though. they might feel “light” or like they're floating, or very  detached from their body; this may cause more dizziness and vertigo. they may also be cold they might feel nauseous right away and persistently from the anaesthetic irritating their stomach, or might only get sick from moving that makes the “floating” feeling worse. general anaesthetic is usually used for surgery so if they aren’t immediately nauseous the character can also wake up really hungry from fasting before, so eating too much or too quickly might also make them realize they’re nauseous and end up with them puking.

concussion - there are a lot of reasons someone might get sick from a concussion, but the most common (non threatening) are vertigo / vestibular disturbance and headaches! the character might  get nauseous or throw up when they turn too quickly or stand up too fast if their balance center is disrupted, or might have head pain similar to a migraine that makes them sick and can have similar sensitivities. mild concussions without other complications can still last up to a week after the injury, but the character should get sick less and less often as time goes on, so the most intense phase for sickness caused by a concussion is shortly after it happens! Frequently repeated or prolonged bouts of vomiting are often signs of more serious injury though, so if you’re keeping it mild they should probably be brief and a little spaced out even early on, though a character might have intermittent nausea between them. other symptoms of concussion are important too here - big ones are short term amnesia, loss of coordination, difficulty concentrating, and confusion. they might also hear ringing in their ears or sometimes have visual disturbances like in migraines! 

migraine - the pain from migraines can directly cause vomiting, especially when it’s at its peak, but it might also be caused by aura effects on balance and vision! (some people get tunnel vision or “kaleidoscope” vision with migraines, some just get dizzy, some people even hallucinate strong smells or tastes which could also lead to nausea!) for some people, the headache gets better after throwing up, but not everyone; they also might or might not feel the buildup of nausea or persistent nausea throughout their migraine, or alternately might retch or throw up almost IMMEDIATELY when any trigger makes their pain worse (common triggers are bright or flashing light, loud or high pitched sounds, strong smells, and sudden movement, but people have lots of different triggers so they can be a lot of things!) many people can’t chase off a migraine until after they’ve slept so you might also include them trying to get comfortable only to have their head start hurting worse or their stomach get upset and make them scramble to get over the trash bin.

motion sickness - anyone can get motion sick but some people are more prone to it than others! so you might have characters who always get motion sick in any moving vehicle, or who are okay in cars but can’t travel on water, or who only get sick with intense movement like on roller coasters - or characters who aren’t prone to motion sickness in general, but discover they get it when fatigued, anxious, etc. different characters might also experience it differently - for some there may be a cycle of gradual buildup of nausea until it becomes unbearable and they throw up, while for others it might come on suddenly, or they might have low level nausea throughout a trip but only puke when there’s a more sudden or violent movement. some people also only get motion sick after a period of time, and might be fine on short trips but get sick if they’re traveling longer.

other notes: many people who get carsick don’t get sick if they’re driving! being able to get fresh air also helps many people, as well as focusing on the horizon if possible. some people prone to motion sickness will also experience the opposite when sitting still but watching movement onscreen like in a video game. likewise, reading or looking at a still object for long while moving can trigger motion sickness, even in people who are less prone to it otherwise.

[sun-daisies]

euphoria 2x04 you who cannot see, think of those who can

ok well everyone (that I saw in a 10 minute scroll through the euphoria tag tonight) is upset with tonights ep of euphoria and I personally fucking loved it so here's my episode breakdown (spoilers under the cut)

keep in mind this is just my raw thoughts, no editing, my brain is oatmeal and I don't have my film analysis hat on, so this is probably going to be really messy.

first of all reasons I think everyone hated this episode:

no lexi and fez, which is funny to me because when the promos were coming out everyone was confused and upset that they were putting them together in the first place (just an observation!)

SO much cal jacobs. omfg.

jules and elliot

uhhh probably the mouse thing

^ yes, these are valid reasons to be upset. I get it. I do. I dont care about mouse and im so sick of cal. jules and elliot was A Choice. I miss lexi centric scenes (and while im not sure fez is the right choice, I still think they're cute while they last).

BUT. I think this episode is a huge turning point for basically a majority of the characters and here's why:

1. rue. obviously. she's over her head in her addiction and she's got so much unresolved trauma and pain that she doesn't know how to deal with - we literally see it in the scene with her dad in the church. we've seen her scream at and threaten her mom and blow up at her sister and now we're seeing her addiction leak into other relationships - first ali last episode, now jules. AND the ending of this episode, is she dead? did she die? earlier in the season I was genuinely concerned that she might not make it through this season and now im REALLY thinking she didn't. and that's absolutely tragic, and I really hope that's not the case. but if it is, then it becomes first and foremost a haunting reality of addiction that we don't see a lot in media, and second a really interesting character moment for jules and elliot in particular as they grapple with their guilt and find ways to grow and move forward. if it isn't, then we still have the mess with the suitcase of drugs to deal with, which is going to be SO MUCH WORSE than this.

2. cassie. oh dear, cassie. the guilt is literally eating her alive and this girl is absolutely in the trenches of a nervous breakdown. I've seen a lot of people complaining about her arc this season about how stupid it is that she's trying so hard to get a guy's attention - but it's SO real. she's a high school girl without a dad. all of the attention she's ever received was for her being pretty or sexy or whatever. she doesn't feel seen or validated unless she's getting attention and this breakdown she's going through is as a result of it. (side note sydney sweeney needs an emmy for this season omfg)

3. maddy. she's recovering from a toxic abusive relationship and im really really hoping she comes out of this season knowing she's better off without nate. I feel like I have less to say about her because she's fairly straightforward as of right now? she's always been super confident, and right now she's sort of having this internal struggle of going back to nate (the evil she knows) or letting him go. and while it always seems like an obvious choice on the outside, leaving an abuser is the absolute hardest thing to do, because you still love them and you still will always think it'll be different, you'll believe them when they say they've changed. it's a cycle, and her arc right now is about breaking from that cycle.

4. nate. sigh. yes, nate. he's getting a TON of development this season and... I'm not mad at it. I still don't like him, but I do sort of sympathize with him. his arc is grounded in his relationship with his father, how his dad's abusive behaviors have affected and shaped him as a person. and it's clear that he doesn't want to be a part of it - he wants to grow up and leave the house and start a new life and not be anything like his father. but this season we're seeing just how similar they are, and I guess the reason we're seeing so much of cal's past is because it really does echo in nate. both are clearly into men, raised in toxic households, internalized homophobia, childhood trauma, and have developed angry abusive behaviors as a result of not being able to be themselves. and I think cal's breakdown is big for nate's character arc as well, because unless nate addresses his own trauma, he's on that same trajectory.

5. jules. let's just recap for a moment: jules' mother actively abuses drugs and alcohol - this has strained their relationship to a point where they no longer see each other. and if I remember correctly her mother relapsed and ended up in the hospital after visiting her before halloween? don't quote me on that. subsequently, in her special episode she expresses that she's terrified of being responsible for rue's sobriety. loosely she even says "what if she relapses and im not there?" and in the first episode of the season she finds out that rue relapsed the night jules left. and tonight? she finds out that rue hasn't been sober the entire time (and has been lying to jules). ALSO jules is self harming again SO-

6. kat. an episode or two ago I was SO happy with what they were doing with her, the whole "love yourself" scene was just perfect - and I think that's defining a lot of her character this season. she's sort of a blank slate. she started s1 as sort of this introverted person who did a lot of living in a world she created (cough escapism) - first with her fanfic writing, then when she changed and started with the whole porn thing. and she went through this huge moment where she reinvented herself but it still wasn't really her - she was sort of living as her own 24/7 character, like armor, or what she thought the world would want from her. and now? girl's still pretending. she's living this forced relationship with ethan and she's miserable in it. see where im going with this?

anyway other cool things from this episode:

visually stunning as always but this episode really blew me away

third jacobs brother???? seen in the portrait cal takes with him. actually so wild??? i saw someone saying that they might be hinting that nate's responsible for the brother's death, i'm not too sure yet? i need to let it ruminate. i think it wild. I saw someone suggesting that they might be hinting that nate's responsible for his death. I'm not too sure? I need to let it ruminate a bit longer.

LABRINTH and the whole church scene was AMAZING

lexi quietly observing in the background, I'm just waiting for the episode where she puts it all together and becomes the active character she's en route to be rather than the passive character she's been the whole time

I think a huge part of this season is finding who you are as a person. these kids are coming of age and none of them really know who they are - rue doesn't know who she is without drugs, kat straight up has no idea how to describe herself when asked, a lot of maddy's teenage years have been defined by her relationship with nate, cassie doesn't know herself enough or can't stand to be alone with herself and is subsequently breaking down because of it. this episode shows them at (what I can only hope is) their lowest points, and I think after this we'll start to see them learning and growing.

hopefully.

and finally, a thought:

I really, really hate that everyone (the viewers) is dragging everyone (the characters) through the mud for their actions through the series. like "jules is the bad guy," or "cassie's dumb af," or "can't stand rue this episode." my favorite part about this series is that the characters are allowed to be human - to be teenagers that make trauma-related mistakes and fuck up and say shit they don't mean and be impulsive. like??? rue is over her head in an addiction and she acts like an addict - ruining relationships, choosing drugs over her friends and family every time. cassie craves attention and needs that outward validation to feel seen because it's all she's ever known. remember her episode in s1 where even her relatives were calling her "sassy cassie" and hugging her a little too tight and telling her she's beautiful and she's gotta be getting all the guys and all that? all of these characters act upon what they perceive is true, based on past childhood trauma they're navigating, PLUS the fact that they're still young and navigating all these intense teenage emotions and impulses and experiences. it's just frustrating to see people thinking so black and white about who's good and who's bad when they're all just fucked up kids trying to make sense of the really fucked up world they live in, you know?

anyway, that's just my thoughts on this episode, because personally I loved it (even though it was A Lot.)

[ac3id]

pairings: shigaraki tomura x female reader

warnings: nsfw, dubcon, captivity, yandere shiggs, mention of death, shiggs is a meanie, dumbification if ya squit.

a/n: im so glad someone requested this!! i will litereally never shut up about man also!! shigaraki is beefed up in this cus that man finna get permanent residency in my head

word count. 1557

Imagine: Shigaraki taking the small, cute little pathetic nurse of the hospital he hijacked as his darling. 

It takes some time for him to find you tolerable. At first, he absolutely loathes you; you’re always crying over the littlest things, always painting him to be the bad guy and you even refuse to give treatment to his men. And honestly, that pisses him off the most. You’re completely brainwashed by society. What do you mean you won’t help men like ‘him’? Are you that superior? You get to decide what’s right and what’s wrong? Are his men not humans? He hates you. If it weren’t for the situation he had faced himself in, he would have decayed you in the blink of an eye. But now after a failed mission and a lot of casualties on his side, he needed your quirk.  

When he kidnaps you, finally, it’s not because he loves you and wants to take care of you. No. It’s because he wants to torture you- literally. He’s so sick of your hot-headedness, so sick of your ideals- how you still think heroes will come to save you from those nefarious villains. Shigaraki wants to break you, show you how pathetic you really are. And so he does. 

One day he just gets so tired of your antics, you’re ignoring him- something you find yourself doing very often these days. You isolate yourself from him and everyone. You run to a storage room and hide, your knees pressed to your chest and head held down. You sniffle into your knees, you never wanted this happen. What did I do to this deserve this? When would the heroes come? You chanted to yourself. Deep down, you knew Shigaraki was right but you didn’t want to believe it. You didn’t want to believe that the world was so hollow and even if it was, you’d choose to ignore it. You’d live your life the way you want to and believe in that devil’s words. You’d- 

The door slams open, a big angry looking Shigaraki stands in the there, his eyes fuming with murderous intent. He rushes towards and wastes no time in clasping his big, sturdy hands around your petite neck and you pulling you up. He squeezes around it and choking noises fills the room, your hands automatically wrap around his trying to push him off but it’s all in vain. He’s too strong and you’re too dumb. You let out choked pleads, begging him to let you go and that you’ll help him. You knew he wouldn’t hurt you cause he needed you, you believed that he’d-

“If you’re thinking that I won’t kill you right this instant. You are wrong. I will take away your quirk for myself and leave you here to bite the dust. Don’t test me.”

He drops you to the floor, you rub your neck and try to collect yourself. He looks down at you, the way your tremble reminds him of a puppy who’s been kicked. He smiles to himself, he crouches down and grabs the collar of your shirt, pulling you closer to him. “I don’t like being mean to a pretty little thing like you,” he confesses and your eyebrows knit together. Why is he talking to you like this? 

“Use your dumb little head, okay? Listen to me.” His hold from your collar disappears and he stands back to his full height hovering over, you looked like an ant under and he looked like monster. You look up at him with tears pricking at the corners of your eyes- he’s the predator and you’re the prey. There’s no denying it. You were stupid for choosing not to submit to him before but now, you know he’s not the one to show mercy. He’s going to give you one chance you better not disappoint him. 

You started to obey him after he had threatened you, knowing full well he’d take your quirk and kill you the very next second. You did not want to challenge or anger him. It’s for my own survival, you tell yourself. You help his men, you sit, biting back your urge to hit Dabi as you tend to his wounds while he throws obscene remarks of what he’d do to a girl like you or how you have to stop your self from throwing up as you listen to Toga explain in detail about what she wants to this boy she’s crushing on. It’s hard work. Spinner and Mr. Compress were a little better but considering the fact that they come back to you after murdering innocents. It surely manages to you up at night.

It doesn’t take long for Shigaraki to develop a soft spot for you, he likes this new you. You are submissive, you listen to him. He finally managed to put you in your place. 

You did not think about those heroes anymore, did you? 

Ridiculously, he finds a friend in you, both of you start talking. You talk about your day with him he tells you about his, you drink together and as much as you shouldn’t; you find yourself enjoying your time with the league. 

You come to understand them and you forget that you’re being held, hostage. Call it Stockholm syndrome but you didn’t care. The newfound joy lasts but all things must end.

The calm before the storm: Shigaraki suddenly finds himself falling for you, your shy habits- how you’d twirl your hair when you got nervous or chewed on your lip while concentrating. How your cheeks stained pink in your intoxicated state. He noticed everything, he didn’t want to believe he was falling for but the way butterflies that danced around in his stomach when your finger grazed over his, how his mood turned better when you entered the room. The signs were obvious. He was in love 

He thought he’d tell you about his feelings for you before they left the hospital, all his men had recovered wonderfully courtesy to you. You’d flee with him and the both of you would be happy together forever a perfect ending for a new beginning. He confesses his love to you two days before his departure, he tells you how he wants to spend his life with you, how he thinks you’re the one but to his dismay. You don’t feel the same.

It breaks his heart into pieces, he can’t believe what he just heard. You’re kidding, right? You love him the way he loves you. Right? 

No? No. 

He’s pissed. Needless to say, even though you rejected his proposal, he still takes you along. He locks you in one of the many rooms of the PLF mansion. The only person you can see is him, he spends hours trying to make you understand why you needed him but you don’t budge. It’s like starting all over again. He is kind at the beginning but as days go by and his frustrations increase he just ends up using you like his fuckhole, bending you over whenever he wants and fucking your brains out. Shoving his cock down your throat, leaving you a quivering mess.

If you refuse or hesitate, he’d threaten you. He’ll take away your quirk and chop your legs and arms clean and leave you to rot. He’s done it before (you recall the incident with Overhaul). It leaves you no choice but to listen to him.  He wins all the time.

“Faster,” Shigaraki grunts. He has your wrists tied behind your back, his fingers tugging on your nipples, hard grinning at how your face confronts in pain. “Come on, whore. I know you can do better than this” he says staring at how your tiny cunt takes his huge cock. He was mesmerized, the way your walls wrapped around his girth. It was obviously too much for you, you could barely keep. The way your tongue lolled out of your mouth and eyes crosses, it was given. 

Unable to form responses you only whined in protest, hoping Shigaraki would take it easy on you but he just laughed. “What are you saying, my dumb little baby?” he asked in a condescending voice. It made you feel pathetic, he treated you like a pet who couldn’t for look after herself. It drove you mad that you couldn’t do anything about it, his hand snakes around your neck holding it firmly you stop moving on his dick. Keeping it settled warmly in your hole he pulls you down, his lips level with your ear. “Do it properly, my love,” you cringe internally at the nickname- a second ago he was calling you a whore. “If you don’t, I’ll take quirk,” your face pales, you couldn’t lose your quirk. It was all you had. “Please...Don’t do that. It’s all I have.” your voice cracks and tears roll to your cheeks, “It’s okay, baby. Just do it again. Be better this time,” he coos his hand patting your back as he restrains himself from thrusting into you, he lets you go and you start rocking your hips again trying to satisfy him, he grips your waist tightly; it would leave marks later. 

Shigaraki stares at you sleeping next to him, after a tiring session you were finally getting well deserved rest. You had obeyed him beautifully today, he wondered how long would it take before you realized that; it wasn’t your quirk which was all you had left. It was him.  

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