#I have never been diagnosed with autism and at this point don’t think it would benefit me to get formally screened for it

[iwatcheditbegin]

one of the most fascinating ( ie concerning) parts of the fandom is the way many People feel so connected to Taylor but they also need to see themselves in her. To a point of extreme projection; needing her to have a husband and kids. or being upset at the very idea she might want that. Or claiming she’s actually gay and in a secret marriage. Or dissecting her behaviors and diagnosing her with things she’s never disclosed.

I’m not sure it’s a product of being brought up online or smth else. Idk how it is in other fandoms, but I definitely think Swiftes feel a very strong sense of ownership over Taylor that is very unusual

[gloamses]

huh. didn’t know tics were common in autistic people as a form of stimming.

[vanessagillings]

I’m posting the ever-so-rare photo of myself alongside one of my characters based on my childhood because today is World Autism Acceptance Day, and I wanted to show my little corner of the internet who this particular autistic person is:  

I was officially diagnosed in February, at age 38 (I’m now 39). A lot of people thought I couldn’t be autistic.  Some people who know me in real life still don’t.  And until around 10 years ago, I didn’t think I could be either, because I was nothing like the stereotype media portrays. I was told that autistics lacked empathy (untrue), and never played make-believe (also often untrue) and only enjoyed STEM.  I was — and am — an empathetic artist -- and make believe?  I can spend days sketching finely bedecked bears brewing tea or carefully choosing the right words to weave tapestries of fiction — though perhaps my hyper focus was a bit of a red flag.  Even so, how could autism describe me?  I was a good student.  I got straight A's. I didn’t act out in class.  I can make eye contact…if I must.  And lots of girls hate having their hair brushed with an unholy passion, right?  Clearly I swim in sarcasm like a fish, so autism couldn't be why I was so anxious all the time, could it?

If someone had told me when I was younger what autism ACTUALLY is — instead of the nonsense I’d seen on screens — I would have seen myself in it.  I didn’t hear that autistics have sensory issues until I was in my mid-twenties, which is when I first began to really research autism symptoms, and I had almost all of them:  sensitivity to light, smells, fabrics, temperatures, textures, and certain touches, all of which make me feel anxious, I fidget (stim), I never know what the hell to do with my hands or where to look, I talk too little or too much, I have special interests, I have entire animated movies memorized shot-by-shot and can remember the first time and place I saw every movie I've ever seen but I often forget what I'm trying to say mid-sentence, I echo movies and tv shows (my husband and I have a whole repertoire of shared echolalias, making up about 20% of our conversations), I was in speech therapy as a kid, I have issues with dysnomia and verbal fluency, I toe-walk, I can't multitask to save my life, I like things just-so, I’m deeply introverted but not shy, I need to recover from all social interaction — even social interaction I enjoy — and I find stupid, every day things like grocery shopping, driving and making appointments overwhelming and intensely stressful, sometimes to the point where I struggle to speak.  It turns out, I am definitely autistic. My results weren't borderline. Not even close. And while these aren’t all of my challenges, and not everyone with these symptoms is autistic, it’s definitely something to look into if you present with all of these things at once. 

So why did it take me so long to get diagnosed? The same bias that exists in media threads through the medical community as well, and because I'm a woman who can discuss the weather while smiling on cue, few people thought I was worth looking into. Even after I was fairly certain I was autistic, receiving an official diagnosis in the US is unnecessarily difficult and expensive, and in my case, completely uncovered by my insurance.  It cost me over $4000, and I could only afford it because my husband makes more money than I do as a freelance illustrator — a job I fell into largely because it didn’t require in-person work; like many autists, I have been chronically underemployed and underpaid, in part due to physical illness in my twenties, which is a topic for another day.  But it shouldn’t be like this.  It shouldn’t be so hard for adults to receive diagnoses and it shouldn’t be so hard for people to see themselves in this condition to begin with due to misinformation and stereotypes. Like many issues in America, these barriers are even higher for marginalized groups with multiple intersectionalities. 

It’s commonly said that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.  This is why it’s called a spectrum, not because there’s a linear progression of severity (someone who appears to have low support needs like myself might need more than it seems, and vice versa), but because every autistic person has their own strengths and weaknesses, challenges and experiences, opinions and needs.  No two people on the spectrum present in the same way.  And that’s a good thing!  No way of being autistic is inherently any better than any other, and even if someone on the spectrum struggles with things I don’t — or can do things I can’t — doesn’t make them more or less deserving of respect and human dignity.

But speaking solely for myself, the more I learn about autism, the happier I am to be autistic.  I struggle to find words and exert fine motor control, but my deep passion and fixation has made me good at art and storytelling anyway.  I find more joy watching dogs and studying leaf shapes on my walks than most people do in an entire day.  More often than not, the barriers I’ve faced weren’t due to my autism directly, but due to society being overly rigid about what it considers a valid way of existing.  My hope in writing this today is that maybe one person will realize that autism isn’t what they thought — and that being different is not the same as being less than. My hope with my fiction is to give autistic children mirrors with which to see themselves, and everyone else windows through which to see us as we actually are.

If you’re interested in learning more about autism or think you might be autistic, too, I recommend the Autism Self Advocacy Network  autisticadvocacy.org and the following books:

What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic by Annie Kotowicz

We're Not Broken by Eric Garcia

Knowing Why edited by Elizabeth Bartmess

Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD

Loud Hands edited by Julia Bascom

Neurotribes by Steve Silberman

(trigger warning: the last two contain quite a lot of upsetting material involving institutionalized child abuse, but I think it’s important for people to know how often autistic children were — and are — abused simply for being neurodivergent).

Thanks for reading 💛

[louff4tw]

Younger Bruce Wayne/Batman Headcannons

- He CAN cook. It’s weird to me people are like “he can burn water” Alfred raised him. I Headcannon he taught him and then when he trained he learned how to cook restaurant quality in case he needs to go undercover. He’s not Alfred level but he can cook

- He was a angry teen. The trauma messed with his head and he fought with Alfred a lot. Alfred thought about leaving a few times at the worst of the fighting but cared to much about the child he’s known since birth.

- Bruce adored him growing up. After he became his caretaker it was never discussed what would happen after Bruce turned 18. And part of what triggered the fights was that he was afraid Alfred was gonna leave when he turned 18.

- He left the day before he turned 18. He may give several excuses of why but it was in case Alfred left. He couldn’t face it if he did. The relief he felt when he realized Alfred was staying made him want to cry.

- Until 13 whenever he had a nightmare he would sit outside the floor next to the door to Alfred’s room. It helped to hear him. If Alfred spotted him he would be incredibly embarrassed. Alfred would let him join him in bed (Not in a weird way. Begone you creepy fucks)

- After 13 he decided he was a big boy and instead would stand at the closed door. Hear him snore and go back to bed. He continues this to his day with everyone who is staying the night.

- Autistic. Also he used to follow Alfred around stating different facts. He loves to stim by using a tire swing his dad put up when he was born. Spinning really helps him. Wasn’t diagnosed till after Tim was diagnosed and Stephanie called them autism twins. He was confused and she had to point out all the things in him she’s seen. Alfred didn’t even think of it. The rich don’t usually get diagnosed. After being diagnosed and with the trauma his kids had a better time understanding his communication or lack there off. Poor Alfred felt so bad when he realized so many issues in Bruce’s childhood would not have been a issue.

- The different issues he had were big crowds being overstimulating. The seams in his sucks. The suits we’re claustrophobic and felt like they were choking him. Plus the texture of the suits were horrendous. So much velvet back then. He hated being touched and people wouldn’t stop it. (Hand in hair. Shoulders or upper back. Or old laddies pinching cheeks). Had trouble talking to his peers. Weirdly the only one he could hold a Conversation with was Lex and sorta Oliver. But he didn’t like Lex and Oliver was annoying. He would talk about his special Interest and others would get annoyed. Sometimes only felt like Alfred and some elderly scholars understood him.

- Massive science nerd and loves Sci Fi’s and mysteries. Loves Star Trek alongside Grey Ghost.

- Is pansexual. But has never officially come out until Tim came out and was nervous

- Would sneak out in disguise. He also knew how to skateboard. Would hang out with a bad group. Drank and did pot when he was 16 but stoped when a friend was killed. This helped push him towards being Batman.

- They didn’t really do holidays after his parents died. The main tree didn’t get put up till Dick came around. Alfred would put up a smaller one in one of the lounges.

- Used to carry around a Sony Walkman and listen to albums. Really big into all kinds of music. Would sometimes stare into the abyss as he listened. He eventually gave the Walkman to one of his kids. They pass it around to whoever wants to use it. Currently with Cass.

- He took Karate for years and already was a black belt by the time he left. He also trained in fencing. He would always do things that tried to push his limits and would frequently hurt himself to the point cps was called. Of course they didn’t do anything but it frightened Alfred as Bruce hid these injuries from him.

- Was not rare for him to fall asleep next to his parents Grave and Alfred had to carry him in. He stopped when he was 15. When Jason died he started it up again. While Jason wasn’t buried on the manor cemetery he had a stone. Alfred had to call Dick to help get him inside. He passed out from exhaustion and wouldn’t wake.

- Following the one comic. He did try to kill himself when he was a preteen with his Fathers razor. Alfred found him and called Leslie. Only time she saw Alfred cry. He begged her “please save my boy! Please” this night haunts them both. He spent a week in Arkham. It didn’t help really. They kept it hush hush and used a fake name. Matches Malone. Bruce Still uses this name for undercover. Alfred wouldn’t leave him alone for months. Made him sleep in his room and Alfred sat outside the open door of the bathroom for showers and baths (facing away you sick fucks)

- After his parents death he never really thought he would ever have a family. Or feel happy again. He was so so wrong.

[sophieinwonderland]

Hi, “accidental tulpamancer” here. It’s in quotes now because of what you said about potentially having a dissociative disorder. I’m awake now. I made some popcorn in the air popper for breakfast. Not the best breakfast ever, but it was something.

I want to tell you a little bit about myself and my life story as it relates to plurality and potentially having a dissociative disorder. I’m not sure why I’m doing this. You can ignore this if you want. But I trust you and I think you have good intentions. So here goes nothing.

I have always had a fairly… loose connection with the person I’m apparently “supposed” to be. When I was younger, I would wake up and decide that I was a different person today. I would get dressed according to what that sort of person would want to wear. At school, I would sometimes sign the name of the person I was supposed to be for the day instead of my own name on my paper (My teacher would put these papers on the no name board. When I pointed out that they had a name on them, she would say, “but not the one on my class list”. So I stopped doing this.).

I assumed that I would grow out of this. But I didn’t. I would still wake up and pretend to be someone else. Someone who was more powerful than me, someone who was better suited to face the challenges of today. Because I definitely wasn’t. This is when my depression started, and it would only get worse from here. I had dozens of stories I made up about these people, and eventually found D&D and writing fanfiction as an outlet.

I developed a short-lived fascination with psychological case studies. I would check out books from the library on them and read them in my spare time. Most of them were the more “common” disorders. PTSD. Autism. Schizophrenia. But I read one case study on a young girl with DID. She had been kidnapped and abused for 2 years before finally being found, and as a result had 7 different personalities. I remember reading it and thinking about how horrible this was. Even now, when I research dissociative disorders, this girl sticks in my head. Nothing similar has ever happened to me. How could I claim the same or similar diagnosis? Wouldn’t that be an insult to her suffering?

I don’t remember when I first started hearing voices. But it got more and more frequent. They had their own personalities. Some were dangerous, like the one who tried to convince me to develop an eating disorder. But most were friendly. Companions. I told a professional about my symptoms, both about my voices and my paranoia (believing that the world was evil and wanted to hurt me). They said that I checked most of the boxes for schizophrenia. Then they asked if I wanted my voices gone. Like, with medication. I thought hard. And said no. By this time I had already been hospitalized twice for suicidiality. But as bad as things had been, they would have been so much worse without my voices. Without companions to encourage me to live. Because who would they talk to if I was gone? As frustrating as they could sometimes be, I knew I would have already been dead without them. So I wasn’t diagnosed. Because a schizophrenia diagnosis would have meant medication.

I also don’t know when I first heard of plurality. It was most likely through the MOGAI community (yes, I was one of those kids with over 200 genders that trumeds love complaining about). There were a lot of systems in those spaces, and I was encouraged to ask questions in order to be the best ally I could be. And I did consider myself an enthusiastic plural ally. But I never considered myself plural. Not even when I started hearing voices. Because my voices couldn’t control my body. They could ask me to do things and I would do them (example: one of my voices really liked My Little Pony, so I would go to YouTube and put on an episode for them) but it was always me doing the thing. Me in control. As it should be. So no, I wasn’t “multiple people in one body”. I was one person in one body. I just talked to external agents. Until now.

I developed an obsession with this character as a coping mechanism. I would have long conversations with them in my head. Some days I would pretend to be them. Act like them. So I could be more powerful and able to handle the world. Eventually they started talking back. I was very scared. I had heard this was a way to accidentally make a tulpa. But I was still so scared. I got the sense from this being that it lived inside my head. Not external like the other voices. I was scared. I’m supposed to be the only person who owns my body. Because if you don’t own your body absolutely, what do you own? It doesn’t help that the entity I was now sharing a head with was just as mentally disturbed. Things got ugly. Multiple times. And it culminated in yesterday.

I still don’t know where to go or what to do. I’m not sure why I just wrote an entire fricking novel. If you don’t read this I don’t blame you. Anyway, I’m about to make pumpkin bread. Or take a shower because my head is killing me. Or both.

I think that this story alone could supply plegg-culture-is with a whole week of content! 🤪

I mean...

They could ask me to do things and I would do them (example: one of my voices really liked My Little Pony, so I would go to YouTube and put on an episode for them) but it was always me doing the thing. Me in control. As it should be. So no, I wasn’t “multiple people in one body”. I was one person in one body.

"I'm one person in one body but there's someone in my head who really likes My Little Pony so I'll put an episode on and watch it with them but I'm totally not plural." But seriously, this is actually super sweet and wholesome! 💖💖💖

"Voices" Is such an interesting word that we use. It's something that I see a lot of people using and what it means can be very different depending on the person.

There is a common type of hallucination where, as you are falling asleep, you might hear a "voice" speaking to you. Usually just a word or sentence. These types of hallucinations though, They don't have agency. They don't have emotions or a consistent sense of self. They are just sounds generated by your brain.

But it seems like yours could think thoughts and had emotions and things that they enjoyed just like any other person.

And while it is true that voices in dissociative disorders will often present as being internal, there are plenty more examples of them being perceived externally similar to imaginary friends.

But I read one case study on a young girl with DID... Even now, when I research dissociative disorders, this girl sticks in my head. Nothing similar has ever happened to me. How could I claim the same or similar diagnosis? Wouldn’t that be an insult to her suffering?

One important thing to remember about case studies is that they are case studies because of how unique and remarkable they are. People don't usually write case studies up of the unremarkable cases. Or if they do, at least those cases don't get that much attention.

I don't know exactly what you've gone through in your life. But I know that it's not just the absolute most severe and most extreme cases that can result into dissociative disorders.

If you've suffered trauma, that trauma is enough. You wouldn't be devaluing what someone else goes through just by having the same diagnosis as they do.

I think... at a certain level, you probably realize that this line of thinking is illogical. That there can be varying degrees of trauma and that yours doesn't need to be as bad as this one girl's to be valid. But I hope it can help hearing somebody assure you of this.

Because if you don’t own your body absolutely, what do you own?

Nothing. Not completely.

But... maybe that's okay.

I mean, would it really be so bad if you shared your life with others? Body included?

If, some of the times you thought you were pretending to be someone else to make it through the day when you were younger, it was somebody else who was fronting, who was helping take the load off of you and make things easier for you? (Not saying that necessarily is what was happening.)

Maybe "ownership" over the body isn't really worth it. Maybe that's the price of spending your life with others in your head. Of having those wonderful companions who helped you through your darkest days.

If you're a singlet, you get the privilege of total bodily autonomy. It's yours and yours alone. And the price for that autonomy is that you're alone in that body.

Personally speaking, I think if I had to choose between owning a body to myself and having headmates to share my life with, sharing time and sharing the body is a pretty small price to pay. But that's just me.

Best of luck with the pumpkin bread!

[manyminded]

reasons I probably have autism (non exhaustive list, I’m rlly sleepy rn but insomnia is kicking my ass)

special interests - to my understanding, they last longer and the things u r interested in are broader. the poster child for my sp/ins is the osc, a genre, which I have been heavily invested in for over a year. (side note: they feel a lot like hyperfixations, almost identical for me, but sp/ins last way longer. most hyperfixes, for me, last up to [but usually less than] 3 months.)

adhd and autism are comorbidities

while it’s hard to tell if you know me, I definitely struggle with social cues. I can read them well; but presenting them myself is hard. my mom always told me to stop talking to myself, I over share all the time, I ‘talk out of turn’, etc etc

even though I can READ social cues/rules I have a general disregard for them; I tend to think they’re stupid and bad. (one example is I refuse to shave my legs and care very little for skin care)

i was always “a pleasure to have in class”, and while that isn’t usually a sign of autism, I’ll tell you why it could be in me. I never knew what could get me in trouble, and the rsd I have makes me want to avoid that as much as possible - so I become over complacent, afraid to test boundaries and avoiding any slight danger to my “goodie two shoes” life.

almost all of my friends are autistic, or have some other flavor of neurodivergency. we come in packs. we can sniff each other out, man. (side note: in online spaces, I usually end up in primarily autistic communities, almost always on accident. it comes with the overlap of most communities I’m in that, while not inherently linked to autism, have a big portion of their members be autistic.)

A little related to the previous point - I can almost always tell when someone is autistic if I’ve hung out with them like, 2-3 times. It’s not even conscious it’s just an instinct of like “oh hey another of my kin. hello 👋” Yk?

sensory issues. I’ve always been a “texture girl,” especially when it comes to food - I have been a “picky eater” for most of my life (although that has started to lessen over the years.) and while sensory issues aren’t inherently autistic, they are closely linked.

the fact I’m writing this at all, tbh. no neurotypical would do this I don’t think

I always get really fucking mad when ppl are ableist, especially in the context of autism. but maybe that’s the other disabilities talking idk (the memory of kids saying “don’t make jokes about being autistic when you aren’t diagnosed!” and rolling my eyes because Have You Met Me)

tbh creature

there’s probably more but I’m sleepy and mostly writing this to spite my mother bcuz she insists I’m not autistic. for some unknown reason. idk man

[dukeofdelirium]

What do u think of the theory mj couldve been autistic? Ive heard it would explain his want to experience his childhood and other behavior like his soft spoken voice.

I don’t think we should be attempting to armchair diagnose a dead man with anything. Michael was a very abused individual… he continuously said this was part of the reason he enjoyed more simple, “childish” things as an adult. He wasn’t just an abused person, he was also the main attraction when it came to the musical family of the Jackson’s. As such, he faced things his siblings did not and it affected him more than them.

Michael had a soft voice because that’s just how he was. I don’t see how autism would give someone a soft voice, and this is coming from a man who is neurodivergent himself. And Michael could speak lower than that, btw. A lot of ppl assume he spoke very gently (aside from it just being his personality) to protect his vocal chords, and while there isn’t proof one way or another, this would at least make sense.

Michael was a genius in many ways, and was obviously a very intelligent man. He was born with gifts that seem almost impossible for someone to have all at once. He was in every way, a prodigy.

We can’t sit and try to differentiate Michael’s behavior when he isn’t even alive, let alone the fact that he rarely gave interviews to begin with. He did not enjoy the press, or speaking much to the public. There’s also the fact that Michael was unlike any other human that’s ever lived… his life was extraordinary. So how can we say for sure, when his behavior could also have very easily been due to the highly unusual circumstances of his life?

MJ loved having simple innocent fun. He liked playing games, liked having water balloon fights, liked pulling innocent pranks, etc. I don’t find this to be proof of autism nor do I find it unusual for so many reasons.

1) He was famous as a 5 year old. And he never got a break from that fame. He became the most famous human that has ever walked the earth. He simply never had the opportunity to be normal, to be a child, to have fun in that way.

2) He was very badly abused throughout his life. His father beat him, he was teased constantly to the point he wouldn’t look in mirrors, he was being shown actual pornography on TV during interviews when he was 12 years old…. He was performing in strip clubs, prostitutes and such would make sexual passes at him, many women took advantage of him and Madonna herself sexually harassed and abused him on more than one occasion. Michael was deathly afraid of his father to the point he was literally vomiting whenever his dad would visit him… he was well into his 20’s at the time. He also would be in the room or sitting right outside the door when his older brothers would be hooking up with girls, so he was again being exposed to very mature things far too young. This isn’t getting into the abuse he suffered at the hands of the media and public.

Now tell me… if that were you, do you think you would be “normal” to the public afterwards?

3) He was constantly having to work his ass off. He never got breaks from dealing with complicated things like business deals, tour, rehearsals etc.

So having silly fun for him was relieving in a lot of ways. Michael also cared so much for children and was a very strong advocate against child abuse. Which is a huge reason he was constantly around children and doing things for children. Michael was raised to do charity work like that. He was a devout JW for a lot of his life, and believed very strongly in the Bible verse: “whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest among me in the kingdom of Heaven.”

I don’t think it matters why Michael was the way he was. At the end of the day, he was an incredible person who used his talents to give us art that we can enjoy forever. He saved millions of lives across the world through his humanitarian efforts and he did it all without being asked and without receiving as much as a thank you. And I think we should celebrate that rather than focus on rumors or on creating new ones. He loved children, and all people, and unlike other artists he truly brought the world together and taught us to love and to have hope.

Who cares why? We should be grateful it even existed at all.

[fromfiction]

(excuse the slight lengthiness of this ask pls 😭)

um hello! i’ve seen you answering questions on this blog, so i hope you can answer this one! /nf

i’m entirely new to the term and idea of “fictionkin” but ever since i found out about what fickin was and what it meant, i figured it might be me but i couldn’t be 100% sure because of a smaller thing.

for a bit more context which i feel may be important: i pretty much spent all my life mentally viewing myself as literally animated, as animated medias have always been a special interest since i was little (i’m now diagnosed w/ autism which is why i used that term btw). though i never truly viewed myself as any canon character, i always viewed myself as my self insert sonas growing up, my finest examples of this through the years would be self insert sonas of mlp and eddsworld. nowadays, as my main special interest is my own work (as a writer and artist) i mentally view myself as my persona, i always have during these current years and i believe i always will, to the point where i don’t even associate myself with my body or face physically bc i’ve always viewed myself as some sort of fictional version of myself and in my mind that’s how i look to myself. to put this in terms of an example, i once told someone that my physical body is like a car because i like to decorate it and make it look nice and i use it to get around in this world, but my persona is the driver because in my mind, that’s who i am and i’m simply using this “car” to get around (remember this is an example i don’t literally think my body is a car lmao)

but yea, the reason i’m very confused is because i always see fictionkins identifying as canonical characters from a media, or ig even self inserts as i’ve heard somewhere (correct me if i’m wrong) but i never hear about people identifying as their OWN characters if this makes sense. in my mind, a fictional character is a fictional character, which would include my persona that is very much fictional in every way (atp my persona is a developed character with fictional lore, other worldly traits (like magic), and is always a part of little scenarios or short stories i make up for comfort or outta boredom, just happens to resemble me irl in most ways but is basically how i view myself mentally down from personality to clothes that i really connect with but don’t really wear irl)

but anyway yes, i’ve tried and tried to research for anything that might be similar to my case but i don’t really find much at all.

i hope this ask was okay to send, ik it might be lengthy ik you weren’t asking for my “life story” it’s just that i’ve always wondered what was wrong with me in terms of this topic and why i viewed myself as being a fictional character, and now that i feel closer to a possible answer it’s very relieving but still confusing since i don’t know if the label really fits what i go through. i can’t help but wonder if it’s also maladaptive daydreaming or multiple things/something else but i prob can’t expect much advice or help w that on this blog which is perfectly okay lmao

again, if you read this or even answer this, thank you i’ve really needed to ask this desperate question to someone who seems to know a lot about this subject for possible help so i came here bc i saw that this blog was active for the most part! i’m also sorry if i asked things that weren’t okay to ask or have said/assumed things that weren’t okay either, again i’m very new to fictionkin as a whole.

have a great day and thank you <3

Hey friend. No worry about asking!

It sounds like you're asking if you can be fictionkin of an "original character".

The answer is absolutely. There are plenty of people who are kin of their own ocs, you just don't usually see them talking about it, mostly because their posts don't end up in fandom tags.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

Rant under the cut

At the time this posts, I will have had an appointment with a new PCP, discussing several medical concerns that I’ve encountered in recent years.

I feel scared. Scared that I’m wrong, scared that I’m right. And angry. Angry, both at the systems that require me to work past what I can handle and beg for help, and at my body, for not being able to hold me up. I’m ashamed of how much I am capable of doing. I’m ashamed of the recovery time I need. I’m ashamed that I’m still grappling with this internalized ableism, because obviously I would never say this shit to a friend about their needs or capabilities. And yet. Here I am. Thinking this about myself.

There was a comic I came across on here, years ago, about a person struggling with depression. They compared themself to a chipped tea cup: damaged and in need of repair, but not damaged enough to warrant immediate or intense repair. Like the chips in a cup, their symptoms were mild enough that they could be ignored or left untreated. They were still functional, albeit not as well, and not without issues. As a result, they felt small and shunted aside, both afraid of taking up space in depression communities, and angry that their clinicians and peers kept saying “it could be worse! you’re so functional! you don’t need (insert treatment here).”

I feel a lot of solidarity with this person’s experience in this moment.

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Google searches give me several answers which vaguely fit some of my symptoms, but nothing fits all of them. Either they fit the bill nominally but are way more severe than what I have going on, or they have a bunch of other symptoms I don’t have. I’ve looked at pages for so many chronic pain related disorders by now, and I still don’t have anything I can walk into the office with and say “I think something like this might be going on”.

When I was getting my autism diagnosis, I knew I was autistic. By that point, I’d known for over a year. It was just a matter of getting a clinician to verify it, so I could access accommodations. This is an entirely different beast. Everything I have is vague and hard to explain. I don’t have any diagnosis that I know of to reference, or another person like me to ask questions to. I don’t have EDS, at least. I’m not nearly that stretchy. That, at least, is easy-ish to check. I probably don’t have POTS, or PCOS, or endometriosis. That’s all the things I know my friends have. Beyond that, I can’t really ask people for their personal experiences with their own disabilities and compare notes. Because it’s incredibly invasive to ask random strangers about their medical history. But with my autism diagnosis, I knew several people who were already self-dx or professionally diagnosed with autism. I could easily talk about my experiences and compare it to theirs. It was easy to tell my clinician what was going on, because I’d already explained it and been told “yeah that sounds right for me, too”. People already knew. There was a lot of external validation for my experiences. It was a lot easier to trust myself, knowing that people I was close to agreed with me.

Now, I don’t have that luxury. Yes, my friends believe me, but they also don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Nobody does.

And then there’s the added wrinkle of coming to terms with my existing dissociative symptoms, which have possibly been going on for years without me recognizing them as dissociative, because I explained them away by “just being tired/loopy” or “ADHD memory gaps lol”. Working on mitigating my dissociation made my pain symptoms immediately and measurably worse. I have the dual-pronged issue of not being properly aware of my body’s condition, and losing large chunks of time and memory to something I can’t really control.

How do I even give a timeline for how long I’ve been in pain, given that? Or a baseline level? Do I just draw on post-grounding data?

I’ve been making a google doc with a list of everything I can think of. Hopefully I can give that to my doctor, and it’ll be more helpful.

And what if it’s something that isn’t easily fixed, or is poorly understood? Like fibromyalgia? Am I just screwed? I have a future I’ve been working towards. I want to get a PhD and join a clinical practice. I want to move to a new city where my friends are and get a job there and afford my rent. If I actually do have something beyond normal aches and pains, will I be able to do that? What if it’s something progressive, and I have to move back in with my parents? I won’t have a partner to rely on in the future to help take care of me if I need it. I know this is already the reality for a lot of people, and I don’t mean to imply that their lives aren’t worth living, or that they’re tragic figures for needing full-time care. I mean that, for me, moving in with my parents would limit or reverse a lot of the things in my life that currently bring me joy.

And all of this is assuming that I’m not making this up, or exaggerating or hyper focusing on normal life events and conditions, and that this new doctor believes me even if I’m right. Yeah, I was in a lot of pain after standing up for hours at a concert, but wasn’t everybody? Yes, I’m still sore two days later, but isn’t that normal? Yes, my fingers, wrist, and elbow are all sore and tingly hours after doing homework; I was coloring a lot. Maybe my pencil grip is just bad? Maybe it was just a lot of work? It did take me 4 hours. Yes, I run out of energy quickly and want to lay down after one or two big tasks, like grocery shopping or going to class. Doesn’t everyone get tired running errands? What’s the threshold for being tired? What if this is just an autism/sensory thing?

Honestly I’ll be lucky if I can get to even ask these questions. I’ll be happy to get this doctor to look past the number on the scale and actually recommend me something besides cutting down on sugar and carbs.

I guess the central conflict is, I need to somehow convince a stranger to believe me, and I don’t even know if I believe myself. Heaven help me. We’ll see what happens.

[chibishortdeath]

Simon derangement page number um I lost count!!! Time to explain things and transcribe my handwriting lol >:3

I put a photo of the whole page here because some things were hard to single out into separate images :)

A pose study! I was trying to work on foreshortening with that arm position. Just imagine that he’s talking to someone off screen and sweating cause he’s been working out or something d(^^ )

Two of these are based on some reaction image doodles I ran into on Pinterest that I’m pretty certain originated on tumblr lol. The bottom left one says “*realization*” and the top right one says “deranged —>” with the arrow pointing to our Mr. Deranged in question, Simon. The Simon and Richter one is kinda poking fun at the general Smash Bros fandom depiction of them and is also based on a doodle I saw on Pinterest.

Bottom left says “he has 97 mental illnesses and is banned from most public spaces” lol. Dw! He is your friend! I just forgot to write that part :). I hope the tbh creature doodle is appreciated, I’ve drawn him like that more times than I’d like to admit—

This one is based on a photo of this guy (gotta be a Snapchat one idk I’ve never had Snapchat) with a monster energy and caption “KILL”. I think it fits the vibe.

Bottom left says “monsert!”, a silly bastardizarion of “monster”, again the energy drink. I feel like Simon would be the kind of guy to have caffeine at like 6PM and then wonder why he can’t sleep later lmao. Or worse have caffeine to avoid sleeping 💀. The other two doodles I drew because I woke up one morning and immediately imagined Simon with raccoon stripe hair for no reason.

This one is based on a tumblr post, it says “(Simon) the psychiatrist diagnosed me with divine madness” “(Christopher) any other diagnosises you’d like to share?” “(Simon) Autism”. That ending panel of Simon saying autism ended up a sticker in a discord server I’m in lmaooooo. Also I need to have more Simon and Christopher interactions cause I think they’d be friends aaaaa

The top doodle is based on a Simon MMD model I found of him as a Vocaloid and I thought that was hilarious and banger, we need more people making fun crossover stuff like that in the world lol. The bottom one is just him vibin(?). Idk he seems pretty distressed, but that’s his usual state so uh—

Another little pose doodle. I think his preferred sitting position is like criss cross applesauce on the floor. I don’t think he’d sit normally in chairs at all. I am now picturing him leaning a chair back too far help 💀.

This one is based on this meme that’s kinda poking fun at the art styles commonly found in yaoi with the last one being left blank for putting whatever you like there and implying in a comedic way that it’s ‘straight man yaoi’, I’ve seen ones with things like football players or idk Breaking Bad put there lol. Basically I saw the meme and realized that all the different styles kinda lined up too well with some Simon designs and well yeah this happened 💀💀💀. So we got Ayami Kojima’s design as “straight woman yaoi”, the NES cover art/X68000 as “gay man yaoi”, Simon’s Quest as “lesbian yaoi”, and Captain N thrown into “straight man yaoi” lmaooo.

Okie that’s all for this one, I will make more inevitably lol

[auschizm]

Hello, this is a follow up to my last message around medical neglect. Thank you so much for responding!! Even if I’m completely wrong it feels amazing to be believed.

I very much agree with you that not every person or diagnoses benefits from medical intervention. I’ve already been through this once with making the choice to never diagnose my autism, even if I’m given the chance. An autism diagnosis could restrict travel, independence, finance, and just be dangerous at times. That and not being something that can be treated or given much support just makes a diagnosis unhelpful to me. I’ve spent years researching autism and setting up supports for myself and I think I can be okay without medical support.

I think this is the same category that schizophrenia is going to fall into for me. Excluding my last breakdown (which did make the world feel impossible and took everything from me for a long time, thank you for acknowledging how hard that was, your one of very few), I’ve only had mild at worst psychosis/delusions/hallucinations. So, largely thanks to you, I know antipsychotics are probably never going to be the route for me. I didn’t know about negative symptoms of schizophrenia before and I think that’s where Ive had the hardest time and need to place my energy for research. Again thank you for making me aware of this and giving me a fuller picture of what schizophrenia is. I still have a long, long way to go but I’m happy to exist as I am and talk to other people who are like me.

Despite all that I’m still upset that I can’t bring these parts of me to medical attention in association with my other struggles. It’s hard enough to get treatment for things that can be helped medically like anxiety, depression, and adhd. But having both autism and possible schizophrenia as a part of my identity makes everything present differently. For example, I do think medication and therapy would be helpful to my anxiety but I don’t know how to separate those symptoms from my paranoia and that complicates things. I don’t know how to get help for depression when I can’t acknowledge my autism stifling support systems. There’s no clear answer for this and I’m not asking for one. I know I’ll continue to get better over time and I’m trying to be patient. But going through is never the fun part.

I’m excited to keep learning and exploring my identity. Thank you for the dozenth time and thank you to the comments for the extra support as well!! You all are amazing people :)

It really sucks that the ableism in and outside psychiatry means that having certain diagnoses in your papers may backfire, but it is unfortunately a fact in current society. And there's no point in acting like this is not the case.

[totally-sick-blogger]

Girl meets autism???

It’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep and I need to talk about this.

So lately I’ve been rewatching girl meets world and by “rewatching” I mean I let it play on my laptop at night when I’m falling asleep so really I’m not actually watching a whole lot of it. But I’ve just remembered the autism episode and need to to talk about it because it was so….I don’t even know what words to use here if I’m being honest so I’m just going to go point by point.

Why did they act like it something that they needed to cure??? That part catches me off guard every time; especially when Maya GRABS HIS ARM AND TRIED TO PULL HIM TOWARDS THE DOOR. Like did she think that they were gonna go to pharmacy and get antibiotics to cure is autism or something??

Why were they so shocked that he had autism. Like it was really obvious to me from the very beginning. So the way they were all like “but you can’t be autistic???? You’re just quirky???” And when Maya was like “let’s tell them you’re not” I think that part is funny in an ironic way because usually it’s the other way around when someone says “you can’t be autistic because you don’t *insert autism stereotype here*” whereas from my perspective, farkle is the most classically autistic teen boy that is portrayed in the media.

Do you guys remember that one tiktok audio that was like “I’m not autistic! I’m just a bit silly! And I cry when my socks are right…but that’s unrelated” I feel like that basically sums up the dialogue of this episode

They were ALL losing their marbles over farkle being autistic which made no sense to me because from my perspective Riley is definitely also autistic but it presents in her very differently than it presents in farkle and I always found them both to be very relatable. I’m a little bit confused about why they never made that connection especially after isadora told everyone that she’s also autistic and has been diagnosed for a long time.

On the topic of isadora- it made me so sad how she told farkle that she would accept him for who he was and that it was okay that he was autistic and she was so happy to finally have someone to relate to but then his friends somehow convinced him that he shouldn’t do that??? Like by the end of the episode they were all like “we think it’s okay that you’re autistic but just don’t act autistic” (this is paraphrased btw) which I’m pretty sure was meant to be them being accepting and open minded but really they were all being terrible friends.

Isadora was always the butt of the joke in every episode she was in and they were always so rude to her for no reason and I feel like they often went out of their way to single her out and this got worse in a way after the autism episode. Like generally speaking they were always so ableist towards her and I would probably classify their attitude towards her as bullying because they didn’t really ever have any actual reason to hate her.

I also would like to note real quick that in the show they used the word Asperger’s instead of autism during most of the episode but I’m saying autism because Asperger’s is outdated and also named after a….very bad guy… Also I feel like there probably weren’t any autistic people consulted on the making of this episode.

Okay I think that’s all of my points for now. If you want a more detailed, better version of this post you should all go check out Lulaloopsy’s video on YouTube. (I will try to link it here -> )

[we-are-inevitable]

give me all the sad davey headcanons now

ohohooohoohoyou don’t know what you’ve just done

idk if these are modern or canon era at this point i just know i want to shake this man in a pringles can

somehow, he always feels out of place. even when he’s integrated into the friend group, he doesn’t Feel like it; the group is huge and has a lot of inside jokes and tbh he just doesn’t know where he fits. he’s close with jack, yes, and is friends with katherine, but aside from that its a guessing game of who likes him because he’s Himself or who likes him because jack Says to like him.

i've talked to @roideny about this quite a bit but this also falls into the Parentification of David Jacobs! basically, davey sees himself as an older brother rather than an individual- it's not by choice, and maybe he doesn't consciously realize it, but his default is Older Brother. he'll drop everything to take care of les, because that's always been his role. and sarah helps too, but sarah has a life and sarah has friends and school and everything else- david doesn't want her to lose that, so he just,, assumes the role of Backup Parent.

he tends to get really overwhelmed a lot. i like to think that he gets one of two ways when he’s overwhelmed: he’s either snappy and rude, or completely shuts down. he doesn’t like either option. he has a lot of coping skills but its a matter of if he can get them working in time

he never feels like he’s good enough. his family is so important to him, but there are a lot of expectations on his shoulders and he feels like if he doesn’t live up to them he’s going to ruin the family dynamic <3 he just wantsto make them proud and that manifests into him making his family his entire life and rarely ever having Fun until he actually makes friends with the newsies

that being saud, he doesn’t really… feel like a person? like i don’t know if he knows who he is. he knows that he’s stubborn and headstrong, and he knows his values and what he’ll fight for— as @wineandhargreeves said, davey feels like he is little more than his words. if he doesn't speak out, then he's nothing.

he knows he's good at helping, he knows he's good at advocating for his friends, but he doesn’t know his favorite color- people just say he looks good in blue and he sticks with it. he only listents to music that his friends recommend and he doesn’t ever try to find anything else. he doesn’t know what a personal fashion sense is, he doesn’t know what he wants to study, and he pushes every crazy, wild dream away because he has to stay in reality (at least until he gets closer to jack. jack helps him find this individualistic side)

and to touch on those crazy, wild dreams: he just wants to Live. i feel like jack's dream is to get out and explore, but davey is fine staying in one spot, as long as he's the one making the terms. he wants to make a home where he feels like he can be himself, not just David, not just Davey- his sense of self is so disjointed because there is a constant push and pull between who his family wants him to be, who the newsies think he is, and who he is on his own. davey's dream is to have a space where he can just Exist instead of living a double life (not that it's really a double life, but there's an obvious difference between Newsie Davey and Eldest Son David).

time to switch gears a little bit!

i rlly feel like davey’s autism would be really hard to navigate for him. he was diagnosed when he was young, yes, but he’s always felt like he has to make up for that (even when his family tells him he doesn’t have to). this man masks so hard that when he gets really overwhelmed and has a meltdown, they’re bad. they last a long time and he really doesn’t know how to stop them; they just kind of happen and he has to ride it out.

another note on masking: he's always masking. he masks at home, and he masks with the newsies too- but the mask is different. i feel like after davey's initial reluctance to join the newsies, he really considers them friends, but in his mind that means that he has to immediately morph into what he Thinks they want to be around? he basically creates this persona to fall into, because thats what he thinks he has to do. spit shakes, gambling during late night poker games, running from the cops- and it's fun, don't get him wrong, but it's not davey.

tl;dr: most of my Davey angst comes from his lack of a sense of self, and i believe he really, really has to work on knowing exactly who he is, not just what he cares about in a social/political/familial standpoint. davey cares deeply about issues affecting those he loves, but he only knows himself on a surface level; all he wants is to be a normal teenage boy who doesn't have to worry about how the world perceives him. and i think that is so lovely for him.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hey, um, this feels like a silly question that I should have seen the answer on here somewhere for, but...

What is your opinion on self diagnosing autism?

I really want to seek a formal diagnosis because there are so many signs that I'm autistic; I've taken every single test you've linked on your blog with really high scores, I've realised a lot of common autistic experiences are things that I've had that I just thought I was insane for, and that having so many sensitivities when it comes to food and textures and smells and lights and things not always being exactly as I think they should be isn't just....a thing that I go through, by myself, that I can't get over because I'm not trying hard enough- that other people struggle with the same things all the time, but they have autism and that's something I could never even consider that I might have too until other people asked me because they thought I did.

I'm sorry for going on- all this is to say, I do want a formal diagnosis, but because I'm trans/autonomy is a concern if I were diagnosed, and because how hard it might be to even get one since I don't have anyone around from my childhood to attest to how I was when I was young, I don't know if it's even something I can or should do. At the very least, it would take years for me to get to a place where I could pursue it.

I've been agonizing and doing so much research over the past several months, and I'm so so sure, but I'm also really afraid of diagnosing myself with it, let alone communicating that to the people close to me. I don't want to be one of those yucky people who lie about having autism. All I want is to feel like it's okay to seek community with people who experience the world more similarly to me, and like I'm allowed to ask for resources and utilize things that I need to function better in day to day life without unrightfully claiming something that I might not actually have.

So, um, I just wondered, what do you think about self diagnosis, as someone with autism? Is it wrong to do it- is it wrong that I've even thought about it? I don't know what's okay at all, and I really feel terrible about even thinking I could.

Thank you for taking the time to read this even though I drabble on.

Hi there,

Im not a doctor or a professional, but I’m completely okay with self diagnose as long as you do the proper research. (Not looking things up on TikTok or anything like that. I know there’s some actual neurodivergent there trying to help, but I think it’s filled with so much misinformation than information.

I was diagnosed in 2009, but I I was diagnosed with Aspergers before it was changed into Autism Spectrum Disorder.

And it’s completely up to you if you want to a official diagnosis. Some people find it helpful, other not too much. If you want to try to get an official diagnosis, then you need to find a good psychiatrist/psychologist (I don’t know which one diagnoses disorders).

But that might be a but hard.

Sorry for rambling there. My main point is you can definitely diagnose yourself if you do correct resources and some symptoms that you think you have.

I hope this answer your question. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[oshidorifuufu]

hi hi hi i’m really sorry for answering this late, i was sleeping. please don’t worry if i sound serious… it’s merely the way i talk.

i’m not sure how to explain why i admire you. i already attempted to do so in the first message i sent, but i think there is something about you that just makes me go quiet and observe with interest. i admire how you still hold on, i think. you’re very strong, i’d already give up if i were subjected to the pain you’re most likely feeling.

about my name…uh

i chose to call myself okochama to get used to the name (as i’m planning to use it if i ever get around to becoming a vocaloid producer or otherwise a content creator). its direct translation would be childish or immature, i believe. it’s a trait i’ve been scolded for by nearly all of my friends, one i’ve been trying to erase from all aspects of my behavior. i try to please people, i really do, but i’ve never been able to stop acting the way it is natural to me. humming and jumping and repeating certain phrases, laughing at or finding wonder in things i shouldn’t. i do not want to traumadump, or experiencedump if you wish (as i believe i do not have trauma from these people), but you get my point. my apparent childishness is my most distinctive, albeit negative trait, and i chose to somehow “reclaim” it and call myself immature, in a way.

i yapped, forgive me.

i only log in to discord a few times a month, so after a very long pause, i decided to check on the server. to my surprise, it grew significantly since i joined. i opened a channel and spotted a very familiar name with a very familiar account theme. it didn’t take long for me to realize you and that luka are the same person, i don’t think i’ve seen another jirai named luka so far.

i highly believe you aren’t even aware of my account, as i usually just lurk or am not present at all. but i think i managed to say hi a few times.

as you can already guess, many word typer okochama

thank you for answering my questions okochama!!! sorry i was wrong i just cant read tone

thank you, for all its worth i do think i’m somewhat mentally strong, i mean a lot has happened and does happen to me but im still alive so…

i feel so happy to be admired, ive never felt that before, or someone caring for me just by me existing..?

thats interesting!!! i wanted to try out vocaloid production for a while too. i actually did buy a voicebank some years ago, it was otomachi una. i havent made anything except for some covers though because i dont know how to make music

also, im not trying to push anything and obv i dont have enough info but have you looked into autism…? repeating phrases especially sounds like an autistic trait but obv i cant diagnose you

i hope they havent got to you too much, and also its totally fine to ‘experiencedump’ here, i’ll try to help you if i can, if you care about my wellbeing i care about yours too

thats so crazy by the way!! yes its the same luka ~ i have actually met another jirai luka but it was luca lol. im not aware of your account and i wont try and search for it but if you ever want to reveal it or dm me you’re totally fine too

thanks again okochama~ >_<

[happyk44]

hi bub, i know you have some mental illness that i don't (i'm just the classic depression+anxiety and adhd combo), if you don't mind talking about them, would you be willing to share which ones and how they affect you? (i know this is a sensitive subject, so if you don't feel like answering, i completely understand)

It's funny you ask, because for Disability Pride Month, I did a presentation at work last week regarding Disability and Ableism in the Workplace. It went well! According to my bosses anyway, lol. I couldn’t really tell. But I had fun 🙌

Officially and unofficially, my diagnoses in mental health don’t differ much from your own. The only difference is that I likely have autism instead of ADHD. I’m guessing it’s my recent ramblings about the cluster B presentation in PJO characters that has you assuming there’s more? Not, like, ragging on you, I definitely would’ve assumed the same.

Disabilities, mostly mental health disorders, are kind of a special interest of mine so I can get overly excited about learning more, which is why I tend to share a lot of info or project them onto different characters to explore it. Currently it’s personality disorders (if that wasn’t obvious, lol), but in the past it’s been DID, DPDR, autism, ADHD, schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, PTSD, CPTSD. Probably more but I’m blanking, lol. Eating disorders, I think? OCD at some point. Probably a good chunk of the list, lol.

When I reblog or write about different disorders, it's not always because that I have the disorder itself, but that I find the way it's experienced interesting. The lists of symptoms from the DSM and ICD are a helpful starting point, but firsthand accounts are key to getting a better understanding of how different people experience it. And that's why I like to share those kinds of posts around when I come across them. Not necessarily because I have that same problem.

I was going to answer very bluntly about my own symptoms and experiences, I had a whole thing I was writing up, but ultimately decided against it. As much as I like to talk about symptoms and how they might present, discussing my own in such a broad sense gave me the ick, lol. So, sorry, about that. 😅 If you have specific questions or symptoms you're thinking of, then maybe? Probably best if I have a degree of separation between me and the subject matter, but you never know. Sometimes I don't get the ick and it's fine. 🤷‍♂️