#Black and White Thinking

[hussyknee]

Forgive yourself for the way you behaved when you were in pain. You didn't mean to drag your loved ones down with you. You were only thrashing and flailing and trying to not to drown. They didn't leave because you were a bad person. They left because they couldn't save you and had to save themselves. It's not an indictment of either your worth or their love. You didn't ask too much, they just couldn't be what you needed and had to make space for someone who could.

In another life, where you had had the help you deserved, where you had had the space to breathe, where something had been different, it wouldn't have happened. Sometimes, it's all just a consequence of circumstances outside of our control. None of you deserved any of this, and you all get to hurt and grieve and be angry that it all fell out this way. But don't be ashamed that the pain got the best of you. You didn't fall short any more than they did. You just became overwhelmed.

[ineffectualdemon]

When you have black and white thinking it's hard not to react negatively to a post that technically includes you but isn't about you

And it's really hard to pull back and really think about who they are talking to and about rather then reacting viscerally

For me rn that's reacting to posts that are calling people, specifically women (even though I'm not a woman), stupid for not being financially independent

For not having their own bank account

For not thinking that financial abuse could apply to them

And it hurts. It hurts and is upsetting to feel like I'm being called stupid

But they aren't talking about me

They are talking about tradwives and even though I think their approach isn't productive that doesn't really matter because they aren't talking about me and my situation

My situation is that I am not able to be in control of my finances. I have impulse control problems and looking at the bank account too much sends me into a severe panic. It's been proven that being in charge of my finances is a bad idea

I am a listed person on all the accounts and have full access to them. But I choose to go through my husband because I am not confident in my ability to control my finances due to my disabilities

The posts I see that make me feel defensive aren't talking about my situation

But it still hurts and it takes a lot to not react

And I think that's what happens with things like make up and shaving

When people are raging against those things, they aren't talking about the people who actually enjoy them for themselves or use makeup as a form of artwork or shave for sensory reasons

They are talking to the institutions that require women to wear makeup and shave to be seen as "well groomed"

They are talking about the way the makeup industry has an insane markup and tells women they need to go through an intense skincare and make up routine to have value

They are talking about how women enforce these patriarchal standards on each other

But I get it

It still hurts

It still feels like a personal jab doesn't it?

It still feels like "if you like these things then you aren't really one of us" or that you're not good enough

But it's important to remember it's not actually about you

And breathe

And let the post go past

[yandereposting]

When we were talking, my life felt like it had meaning.

Now that you’re gone, it feels like I was never alive to begin with.

[momentsbeforemass]

Love and doubt

Every age has its mistakes.

One of the big mistakes of our age? Black and white thinking. The false assumption that something, or someone, has to be either all one thing or all the other. As if there were only two, mutually exclusive options. And nothing else was even possible.

Sometimes it’s easy to spot. Like in toxic workplaces. And toxic families.

Either you’re either on the good list. And can do no wrong. Or you’re on the bad list. And can do no right.

What’s harder to spot is when you and I internalize that false assumption. And assume that we can only be one thing or the other.

One of the common ways this plays out in our thinking? With doubt. The notion that if we have any questions, any doubt at all, then we can’t believe in something. And therefore, must totally reject it.

The idea that we could love something, or someone, and still have doubts?

We don’t know what to do with that. We can say the words. But the idea? It is so foreign to us, that it just doesn’t stick.

Which is why we struggle to understand Mary Magdalene’s actions in today’s Gospel. She sees Jesus, she talks to Jesus, but she doesn’t recognize Jesus. Not at first.

This makes no sense to us. How could someone who loves Jesus not recognize Jesus?

If you’ve ever wanted to see how bizarre speculation about stuff in the Bible can get, today’s Gospel is an absolute goldmine. And it’s all because of our black and white thinking.

If you’re not locked into black and white thinking, the truth of the matter is actually pretty simple. And something that we all do, but don’t admit to ourselves that we do.

Mary Magdalene loved and doubted.

The truth is, Mary is just like us. We might like to pretend that we’re all one thing and not the other. But none of us really are that way. All of us are a mixed bag.

This was common knowledge in the early centuries of the Church. Speaking about Mary Magdalene, Pope Gregory the Great put it this way,

“Because she loved and doubted, she saw Him and did not recognize Him. Her doubt prevented her from knowing Him, and her love revealed Him to her.”

Nowhere does it say that Jesus removed all of Mary Magdalene’s doubts. Or that she had perfect faith. Mary Magdalene loved and doubted.

You want to know why, in the end, Mary Magdalene was able to recognize Jesus?

Because she didn’t let her doubts run away with her. She didn’t fall for the nonsense that one drop of doubt somehow cancels an ocean of love.

Mary Magdalene kept on loving, even though she doubted. And in the end, it was that love, in the face of doubt, that carried her to Jesus.

Mary Magdalene’s lesson for us is something that you and I cannot hear enough in this age of black and white thinking.

You can love and doubt.

God won’t love you any less.

It’s okay to doubt. But don’t let it keep you from loving God.

Today’s Readings

[sunnywalnut]

I fully believe that the only thing that stopped me from identifying as trans when I was younger was the fact of my autistic black and white thinking.

Well yeah. That guy is trans. And I think he's super cool. But I couldn't be trans despite the fact that I feel more like myself with him because he embodies everything I wish I could be but stop myself from being.

Oh no I absolutely could not be transgender at all! I didn't know I was a dude since I was three like all these other people who were taught the concept of gender and the fact that gay people exist from a young age and I only learned lesbians existed after I was ten years old.

Of course that person is transgender. The whole reason I changed the name on the sticky note set on their desk was because they're my friend and I'm an ally. Totally not because I want somebody to do the same for me.

Nah bro. I don't think my obsession with gender neutral names and wanting to change my name to Alex because it was the only gn name I knew at the time had any transgender reasons for it. I'm just super attached to the idea of accidentally being mistaken for a boy. Even if it's just by name.

The reason I specifically searched for books with male protagonists my age when I was younger was totally because of super straight reasons and not because I identified with them more than any of the female leads, despite being extremely similar to a lot of them.

Oh totally I'm not jealous of my brother who's only one year older than me, therefore I get to see him embody all these manly traits like getting a cool low voice and be taught things that I wish I could learn but I wasn't explicitly invited so I stay where I was.

What do you mean it's not normal to treasure the blue Finding Nemo basketball cap that I sneered at on Christmas Day for "looking too boyish" and wearing it inside the house while I crawled up on my grandfather's lap so he could read to me.

Of course my best friend of over seven years is my sister! Despite the fact that I feel completely uncomfortable when she claims that I am hers. Not because we're not family. Because something is wrong with the word "sister" and I can't tell what.

I mean shit. The only reason I realized that I could've been queer was bc somebody told me that if I(a "straight girl") liked a trans guy, then I would be pansexual.

Untrue, obviously, since trans guys are still guys, and my little 13yo brain thought the same way, but the fact that somebody said it so casually just opened the floodgates of "what ifs" for me.

And you know what?

The year after that, I came out publicly as bi. Then ace. Then two years after that gender fluid. Then in the same year, transmasc. Then lesbian a couple months later. Then transmasc but not lesbian after a couple weeks because my partner was also genderfluid. And now? Transmasc/trans man and bi, specifically for the girls and gnc folks.

Had that person not told me I was pansexual, I'm pretty sure I would've just gone around being indifferent to my romantic partners thinking that friendship was the romance all along this entire time.

Six entire years. And I was autistic the whole time.

It was always about being a good person for the "other" people who needed me until I realized I could be the other people as well.

The whole reason I didn't "show signs" of being transgender during my childhood?

Same reason I didn't show signs of being autistic.

I was mirroring people. I was mirroring what I thought was needed of me. Ignoring my interests or things I was curious about. Because I knew what was expected of me. That part of it was explained thoroughly, at the very least. The gender part of it all. And by God, I was going to do a good job at it.

And yeah. I was happy when I found dresses that were pretty.

Not because I was the one wearing them.

But because it meant that my mom thought I was doing such a good job at Gender that I deserved a skirt. In order to show it off to everyone.

Same reason I allowed my hair to be done. Little jewels to be twisted into my long locks that I grew myself and refused to cut. Because this was what I was good at. Everyone, even if they didn't like me, they liked my long, feminine hair. They liked my frilly, feminine dresses. And my shiny, feminine jewelry.

And well... I liked being liked. I liked being admired.

Because nobody noticed me any other way.

Unless it was for my art.

I was good at art.

I'm still good at art.

My "feminine" art.

I no longer get joy from long hair and frilly dresses and shiny jewelry.

But I still get joy from art.

Even if it isn't feminine.

Even if it isn't shown to anyone.

Because it is mine.

It is me.

It is the one thing that I grew up seeing that everyone could do. Regardless of skill. Everyone was thrown in a class together. Everyone crowded around the girl who drew anime in class. Everyone knew of the famous men like Van Gogh. Everyone was able to do art. Everyone was able to be creative. To get messy. To work with their hands.

And everyone meant that there was space for me, too.

There were finally shades of gray.

And I clutch them dearly to my heart, right next to the rainbows of devotion I painted on the inside walls of my ribcage.

Each palette I've created is a labor of love, used to picture the world in each wonderful shade of admiration.

And that is still the one thing that I have found that try as they might, they cannot sort into sexes.

So I keep my shades of gray. I keep my rainbows and my flags. And I paint them with all the colors I like. Because art showed me a way to be free. And I refuse to live my life in a cage. Regardless of who's hands made it.

I just know that it won't be mine.

[rigormortisangel]

no i actually dont have the ability to be suicidal and go to a fucking hospital or ask for help. im either fine or im already attempting and theres no in between

[itspixthecrazybitch]

I hate that when I’m splitting the way my mind deals with the fact that I felt okay earlier is literally to go “that wasn’t me” and/or “that wasn’t real” and rationally I know that’s not true but god it’s so disorienting. Like. As soon as I stop feeling something my mind rushes to convince itself that it never happened.

[that-vexaholic-cryptid]

It is so wild to me how neurodivergent people get hit with the "black and white thinking" trait so often when literally the vast majority of America is incapable of any thoughts more complex than RED VERSUS BLUE CAPITALISM 4EVR and BROWN PPL BAD

[oodlesofoddnoodles]

whenever somebody asks me how i knew i was autistic, i remember this one moment when I was like 8-9 and this song was playing on the radio. it was called like 100 bad days or something, and if you havent heard the song its essentially about making the best of life, but at the time, the song confused the hell out of me because the chorus was like saying how a bad day is a good story to tell and it will make you popular, and so, little like 9 year old me went on this long ass rant abt how it made no sense because if you had 100 bad days you’d just be really upset and probably wouldn’t even want to go to a party, like my mind hearing 100 bad days just imagined like day after day of immense tragedy, and for what? to be popular???

and for literal YEARS i hated that song with a passion because i thought it was so dumb and if you had one hundred consecutive bad days you were just a dumbass. and then, it hit me one day.

and yeah thats how i came to the conclusion that hey, maybe my brain is a lil different from the average humans and tadaaaaa

[livingfictionsystem]

Challenge mode: Explaining to a Cluster B disorder that there is such thing as a middle-ground.

"They are either completely on my side or they want me dead."

Well, no.

"I'm either perfect for you or my existence pulls you into a blackhole."

Calm down.

"I'm either completely numb to this slight against me or I will hold the grudge for ten years."

Can we get the dial set to medium, please?

-Xanthe, a clinical Narcissist

[inluvwcaitvi]

“fiction doesn’t reflect reality in absolutely every way” and “fiction does affect/reflect reality in many ways and that’s very important” are two statements that more ppl should be fucking aware of but aren’t, for some reason.

some of u (not naming names… jinx and silco fans/stans) r so concerned abt being “right” and stubborn as fuck that you don’t even realize how deep your black and white thinking is up ur own asshole for wtv reason.

it’s rly aggravating and it makes u look as tho u have the genuine mental maturity of a 10 yr old brat lmao.

[darkshrimpemotions]

This article has been out for over a year, but I just heard of it via a youtube video by Princess Weekes (who I highly recommend you check out if you enjoy media analysis from someone who is clearly well-versed in fandom without feeling the need to establish themselves as some condescending authority studying us like creatures in a zoo, unlike some youtubers who post about fandom).

If you've been on tumblr for as long as I have (10+ years), you probably vividly remember the heyday of yourfaveisproblematic, and how that blog's popularity feels even today like one of the major catalysts for a lot of the purity policing on tumblr. In this article, the author of that blog--who was a teenager when it was active--talks about what motivated them at the time, how they feel about the blog now as an adult, how they see similar impulses being acted out across the internet today, and why they have never taken the blog down.

I highly recommend reading the whole thing, but here are a few key lines that really stuck out to me:

"In the years since, I’ve looked back on my blog with shame and regret — about my pettiness, my motivating rage, my hard-and-fast assumptions that people were either good or bad."

"I just wanted to see someone face consequences; no one who’d hurt me ever had."

"There’s something almost quaint about it all now: teenage me, teaching myself about social justice on Tumblr while also posturing as an authority on that very subject, thinking I was making a difference while engaging in a bit of schadenfreude."

"Looking back, I was more of a cop than a social justice warrior, as people on Tumblr had come to think of me."

These quotes remind me vividly of my own fall down the purity police pipeline, and my struggle to claw my way back out. Looking back, it's so easy to see how my pain and helplessness fueled a ruthlessness in my approach to social justice that was less about actually helping anyone and more about feeling like I wasn't so powerless.

Thinking of the friends I had at the time, many of whom I no longer associate with for related reasons, we were all traumatized or marginalized teenagers and twenty-somethings, newly awakened to the idea that the treatment we'd suffered for most of our lives was not in fact our fault and was due to systemic injustice and culturally accepted cruelty.

But we weren't healed enough, or distanced enough ourselves from the power structures causing or enabling that suffering, to think beyond wanting to flip the hierarchy. In a very real way, we weren't ready for the nuance required to give people grace and the opportunity to learn and grow. Despite having needed, and frankly still needing, those things ourselves.

I think we can learn a lot from Your Fave Is Problematic about the motivations and emotions behind purity culture, black and white thinking, and why neither is actually productive in reducing harm, easing suffering, or creating a kinder and more equitable world. And maybe, if we learn to recognize those impulses in ourselves, we can unpack them before they lead us to cause harm in the name of making ourselves feel less powerless.

[flittermousemoth]

*Minor Inconvenience*

Me: That's what I get for existing 😒

[phosphenemoth]

Parts of BPD I absolutely abhor:

*suddenly realizing that they can perceive other attractive women.

*not introducing my friends to my other friends because they might like them more than me, and I will be left out or the third wheel again

*seeing someone and almost throwing up because "she's more attractive than me"

*obsessed, upset, and feeling dumb about it

*nothing at all is wrong so let me hurt my own feelings and create problems ™

*"No one is responding to me yet today so it must just be Ignore Me Day again"

*I message anyone too much "they hate me, they find me annoying, I have chased them away"

*constantly checking if even family members have blocked me.

*feeling like all of these are the wrong responses and irrational but being unable to control it

*going back over all of these thought processes and rationalizing them and making myself feel okay about it, just to know it will happen again later.

*fighting so hard to see the grey area in my black and white headspace

*having to act normal and not upset because that's not healthy to subject other people to, especially when they have done nothing "wrong," but being eaten alive by my thoughts

[ladyarthem]

Nobody else struggles with starting new projects but never finishing them (ADHD) or wants to fix someone else's work because it feels like they are not doing right (autism).

Just me then. Nice.

[vizthedatum]

Thinking about how to beat performative all-or-nothing thinking vs. listening to your body

you don't have to do the whole workout if it's going to push you into a flare, meltdown, or a lack of energy in a significant way (even 5-10 minutes of movement is BETTER than doing an hour of cardio; stopping when you're done is VALID)

"fed is best," regardless of what you're eating (can't even tell you how many times I just didn't eat because I couldn't cook, buy food, or decide to eat)

what incremental lifestyle choices can you do right now that make things sustainable?

collect information and data on yourself: for example, taking note of when you're shutting down and what led up to it

don't shame yourself for doing 1% of the *thing* when you want to do 100%

don't shame yourself for not doing it at all

if it's stressing you out MORE to do the *thing* -- change your approach, figure out if your way to do the thing is the issue

you may not be able to heal, do the things you want to do, change behaviors IF you hate your body (valid feeling tho), hate doing those things, or overscrutinize those behaviors

drop your expectations

do it badly!!!

do it in a silly way - do it in an angry way - do it in a way that makes absolutely no sense

your life situation is NOT stagnant - know you have the power to change things, to change your commitment level, to take back your consent, etc.