#Alfred Headcanon

[mr007pennyworth]

ALFRED HEADCANON;

Alfred hates Almond Milk.

Not the flavour, no. He's fine with how it tastes but its just the product itself personally offendeds him for seemingly little reason.

After finding a recipe in a book - he subjected to try it - conviced it was nowhere near so easy. Turns out it was that easy and now he has a rage fit when ever he see's or hears about Almond Milk.

What a werid old boy. @brokenthimbles

[incorrectbatfam]

Alfred gets sick of Bruce breaking and losing stuff on patrol so he gets a label maker and starts naming items after the kids

Alfred: I got you a new phone, just like you asked. Its name is Jason. Try not to let it die.

Bruce, tearing up: Why would you say that—

[adhara2034]

Headcanon that the batfam has a Samsung smart refrigerator or whatever it's called, and it is used entirely for doing work while in the kitchen. There has been justice league meetings held on that motherfucker and nuclear threats disengaged.

[thefriendlyneighborhoodqueer]

sometimes i think about how funny it would be if bruce had a slight english accent as a result of alfred being the only adult in his life for most of his formative years. that or he just says british slang instead of english.

this either drives his children insane, or they think it’s the most hilarious thing ever.

__________________________

Bruce: Can you pass the chips?

Dick: Sure, B. *passes over the potato chips*

Bruce: No, the chips.

Dick: ???? … yeah? here?

Bruce: NO! THE CHIPS! *gesturing wildly for the french fries*

Damian: Father, are you having a stroke?

———

Batman: Alright, this mission is very important. It is imperative that everything goes to schedule. (shh-edule)

*red robin and red hood snicker*

Batman: *glare* As I was saying, it all must go to shh-edule…

RR & RH : *uproariously laughter *

Batman: *harsher glare* Is something funny?

RR: Oh nothing, B, don’t worry.

RH: Absolutely nothing wrong, “left-tenant”

RR & RH: *dying of laughter *

———

Bruce: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??

Duke: … You sound like Alfred…

Bruce: *horrified look over coming him* … what

Cass: *furious nodding*

*Some time later, after B has been fished out of Gotham Harbor, which he jumped into after declaring that he “couldn’t turn into his father”*

Alfred: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??

Bruce: *white as a sheet* … Sorry Alfie…

*Steph is heard furiously cackling in the background*

_______________________

anyways i just thought this was fun

[jesterraconteuse]

You don't understand there's a part of me that wants Alfred Pennyworth to never age but there's another part that's like

As Alfred grows older his body grows tired and everyone notices. And for Bruce that's his surrogate father. For everyone else that's Grandpa. Immediately there's a secret boot camp in the Batcave for everyone to start learning how to better care for themselves. Selina Kyle assisting of course.

There's already disability accommodations for Barbara so they just need to tweak and add some stuff. They've learned from her needs and start researching on how to care for the elderly for Alfred specifically.

On paper he's still a butler but really everyone (who lives or stays for a long time in Wayne manor) makes sure they learn how to do the hardwork for themselves. Most of his job is just to be there for them honestly. They insist on doing things for themselves.

But Alfred is Alfred. So he knows what's going on. And he's so deeply proud of them. He doesn't let him do anything he insists he can or wants do himself. He's still his own person after all, and they gradually learn his boundaries and patterns.

Bruce keeps paying him but not in a way you'd pay a butler usually. More in a way where you'd send money to your retired parents.

Do you see my vision?

[nyukaart]

Teen dad Bruce(19y.o.) and Dick (8 y.o.) is my favorite thing

Bruce still being in College (med student) and deciding to adopt Dick just cause he can.Alfred is tired of the utter chaos these two bring Their dynamic is more like the Lego Batman movie more than anything honestly (they mean so much to meee)

[platitudinalteen]

A really random Batfamily HC I like to think about is Dick winning the Olympics a few years ago, never telling anyone, and all hell breaking loose when they find out.

Jason: You did not win gold in the Olympics.... Say sike, right now.

Dick: I'm not saying sike. I did win.

Tim: How? You're too famous, you'd be recognized!

Bruce: And more importantly, what about your secret identity?!

Dick: I wore a prosthetic nose, and entered under a fake name.

Stephanie: Do you have proof of that? And maybe a picture of that nose by any chance?

Dick: It was broadcast on television in over two hundred countries, I'm sure you could find it pretty easy.

Bruce: Back to the fake name-

Dick: It wasn't hard to make an alias, I just did what we do for undercover jobs.

Tim: You used my program without telling me!

Dick: I asked! You said I could.

Tim: I did? Ohhh...yeah, now that you mention it I think I vaguely remember you saying something about going to England and needing a new ID a few years ago.

Jason: You did all of that, just to...perform? Just...just because you wanted to?

Dick: ...Yeah, pretty much. I still have the medal sitting on a shelf in my apartment and a picture of me with some other competitors hanging on the wall.

Alfred: I for one, appreciated finally getting to see the Olympics from the front row. And in my own country, no less.

Bruce: What- what does that mean? Tell me you did not go with him to the Olympics...

Alfred: I was his accompaniment for the event. It was quite a good time.

Bruce: Dick...

Dick: What? He said he always wanted to go!

[mayamarvil]

Canon: Jason breaks into Wayne Manor when he feels like it

Sidenote: But do people bother to checkout the issue after seeing these posts? or even add it to their tbr list?

Batman Eternal #10

[refloralisation]

my firm and very sincere belief that the wayne family initiation orientation docket has many points, and addendums but the one on the top is:

"Don't start shit with Duke. God as his witness, he won't start shit but he WILL end it. "

and why?

because duke doesn't give even half a fuck, he can and will e v i s c e r a t e you.

Jason steals the last cookie? "no wonder your mom sold you out, you stupid bitch. not even death could bear you so you're back trying to make the rest of miserable. loser bitch. i'll crowbar your fucking face."

Tim makes a snarky, harmless joke at his expense? "Your mom probably drank that poison in Hawaii to get away from you. The constant flying about wasn't enough. She needed to get off the literal existential plane. all those times you thought you're a burden and no one loves you? you were right. fear toxin aint showing you your worst fears, its showing you the fucking truth. loser virgin. get the fuck out of my face"

so on and forth. Not even Bruce or Alfred are spared. Duke won't know proportional response if it hit him in the face. Regularly, daytime villains send batman complaint letters (!!!) about the signal, because damnit they're just robbing banks, no need to bring up their mommy issues into it??? with Duke, there is no passive there is only aggressive. You won't think it, looking into his warm brown eyes and his lovely, easy smile. but you will know it. by god, if you start shit, you will know it.

[gothamite-rambler]

That was actually a good deed, Jason.

Jason Todd walked over to Bruce Wayne scrolling through photos on his phone. He tapped the man on the shoulder.

Jason: You want baby pictures of Damian?

Bruce spat out his coffee in shock. Jason chuckled.

Jason: You have to pay me.

Bruce (frantic): You better not be lying to me because if you have baby pictures of him I will pay you whatever price you ask.

Jason: Um okay I have about 10 I can give you now so $10,000 for each one.

Bruce: Stay there, gotta get my phone and I'll transfer the funds to your bank account.

Bruce ran out of the room leaving Jason Todd with Alfred watching the entire interaction, impressed.

Alfred: Jason, how did you get baby pictures?

Jason: Remember, I knew about his existence before Bruce ever did. I visited the kid for the first 9 years before Bruce found out about him. Talia paid me to take photos of him for memories.

Alfred: That's very wholesome of you.

Jason (confused): I said Talia paid me.

Alfred: Money or not, you did a good deed. Now Master Bruce can have a few photos and trust me, he's been begging Talia for baby pictures for years. Be proud of yourself.

Jason smiled.

Jason: I appreciate you saying that.

Alfred: I mean every word of it. You're welcome.

[mr007pennyworth]

Alfred: THE MI5 YEARS - (Still reeling and recovering from the ambush in Israel, Alfred falls foul of drugs and sex in London as he looks for ways to cope with his health and juggling his new job as an internal affairs MI5 agent. It all started in tears and ended in handcuffs)

[dc-comics-enjoyer]

The Batkids doing something considered rebellious and Bruce is unimpressed because "been there, done that" headcanon :

Damian runs away and sleeps under a bridge at some point -> Bruce did it at nine years old.

Tim gets piercings (bonus : Kon pierced him) -> Bruce had his nipples pierced by Minkhoa back in the days.

Jason gets home smelling of weed -> Bruce didn't only taste foreign food around the world when he was training...

Steph gets a mohawk -> Bruce had a bright pink mohawk at some point to piss Alfred off.

Dick anonymously starts an OF -> Bruce may or may not have leaked his own sextapes (yes, multiple) for "legitimate Batman-related" reasons.

Cass accidentally joins a cult -> Bruce and Minkhoa competitively founded a cult to see who would get to be the ultimate guru.

Duke finds himself in custody for whatever silly reason really -> Bruce went to prison (more than once) (in different countries) (for terrible motives) (he's still blacklisted in some of those countries)

[incorrectbatfam]

How small must the world be for both Bruce and Tim to witness John and Mary Grayson's deaths

Or for 10-year-old Duke to crack the Riddler's puzzle before Batman swoops in and saves the day, long before his powers came into play

Or for Sheila Haywood to leave her son only to end up assisting his killer a decade and a half later

Not to mention the popular fanon concept of Jason knowing baby Damian in the League of Assassins

Now imagine how many other invisible strings could've tied them together

Like what if Tim and Jason went to the same school when Jason was Robin but all they shared was the occasional bump and "excuse me" in the busy halls

Or what if Babs was a tutor and helped an elementary-aged Steph finally understand her homework only for the Browns to cancel after a couple sessions because they couldn't afford it

What if the first person to buy Cass a hot meal was Kate on one of her travels

What if Alfred witnessed young Selina shoplifting groceries but chose to turn a blind eye

What if Jason lived on the same streets as the Row siblings and gave little Harper tips on how to use tools and defend her brother

What if Steph and Duke shared the same school bus, only he sat in the front while she was toward the back

What if the first person to teach Tim how to tie his shoes was Bruce at a gala because Jack and Janet were busy talking to someone important

What if Bette did a DNA test for fun and found a connection in Nanda Parbat but just assumed the results was faulty because she knew her whole family, right?

What if 8-year-old Dick, the day before his parents died, stayed at a cheap hotel near Crime Alley and found 4-year-old Jason wandering alone and said, "I'll be your big brother for tonight"

What if the universe knew they were made for each other and wouldn't rest until they realized it too

[bats-and-the-birds]

I am thinking about the batkids and their rooms at the manor.

When Dick was first brought to the manor, Alfred put wooden letters that spelled out his name on the outside of the door to his room. He wanted the boy to feel like he belonged, and denoting the room as his seemed like the best way. At first, they spelled out "Richard", and were painted in red, green, and yellow -- the colors that his parents had worn for their circus act, that didn't have any other meaning yet. Dick pried them off the door and threw them away. He didn't want to accept that this was permanent yet. There were new letters on the door a few days later, blue this time, and spelling out "Dick" instead. Those letters got pried off much the same and shoved in a drawer, and they didn't get put back until a year later. He was too short to put them in the same place, so they ended up crooked, and Alfred found it too endearing to fix.

When he left the manor years later, he considered ripping the letters off the door and throwing them in the foyer on his way out. But he left them, and there they remained, crooked as ever.

Jason got his own letters when it became clear he wasn't going anywhere. He helped Alfred put them up on his bedroom door, standing on a step stool to make sure they got in the right place. His were evenly spaced and neatly aligned, and he refused to tell anyone that he cried over them that night. He'd spent months wondering if he'd ever live up to his predecessor, not just as Robin, but in the family as well. And now he had his own letters, just like Dick's, and they weren't going anywhere.

And they didn't. Even after he died. Bruce and Alfred both considered taking the name down to make walking past that empty room less painful, but in the end, they didn't dare touch the letters, just like they didn't touch anything else in the room. Years later, Jason would sneak into the manor through his old bedroom window and find his school uniforms still hanging in the closet, his textbooks on his desk, an open novel on his nightstand, and, of course, the letters still on the door, more of an epitaph than the one on his actual tombstone.

Tim fought for his name on a bedroom door. It took a while, but he trained, and he learned, and he forced himself into the role that he knew he could fill. Part of him thought that no matter how good and useful he made himself as Robin, he'd never really fill the role that the two before him did. He thought there might not be room for him after Jason's death, but he did it. He was older than the other two when Alfred finally put the letters up on his door, but he did it.

Later, when he left in search of Bruce, he didn't think for a second of taking his name down off his door. He'd earned it.

Damian's name got put up practically as soon as he got to the manor. He didn't think much of having his name on a door. If anything, it irked him a bit, being lumped in with the others, but it would have annoyed him more if he didn't get his own name. For a while, his name on the door, marking it as his from the hallway, was the only reason you could tell it wasn't the guest room that it had previously been. He had no photographs, had arrived with no personal affects.

That changed, eventually. As he gained friends, he also gained photos of them. He put up sketches and watercolor paintings of his animals. A dog bed got put on the floor for Titus. But the letters had been there from the beginning, and he grew to appreciate them eventually. His room, with the name on the door, was safe, and he liked it there.

Cass's letters showed up without much fanfare. They were simply there when she exited her room one day. "Cassandra" in black wooden letters that matched all of her new siblings'. She ran her fingers over them with reverence. She'd never been allowed to leave a mark before. Her life was predicated on being a shadow, but there was her name, in big letters, somewhere where other people could see it.

Steph had a room. She didn't want to admit it, but when she crashed at the manor, it was always in the same room. Her name was put up, and she took it down, and it was put up again, and she took it down again until it became something of a game between her and Alfred. If Steph was staying at the manor and Alfred didn't find a wooden S in a random cupboard, then have to search the house for the rest of her name, then he knew she was in a bad mood, and he usually made her favorite cookies and left them outside of the door with her name still firmly in place.

Duke's letters were waiting for him when he moved in. His name in bright yellow letters that matched his suit already in place. Of course it was, it's tradition at this point, and he's part of the family now. He had bounced around for a while now, and the letters on his door made him feel...calmer. It was a sense of permanence, and one he could learn to enjoy.

Barbara didn't need a room. She had her own room, in her own house, but Alfred still offered to mark out a space for her. She declined. When she did stay over, it was either in the cave or Dick's room, she didn't need her own. Still, that didn't mean her mark wasn't left somewhere. There was a study downstairs with a desk that she sometimes did her homework on as a child if she was staying over for the night. Now, the desk held a computer that was wired into the Batcomputer's network, a photo of her and her father, and, of course, tiny wooden letters affixed to the side that spelled out 'Barbara'.

[superbat-love]

AU of the Wayne family history. At the batkids’ insistence, Alfred finally agreed to read them an old, leather-bound book he’d been holding—a memoir of the very first Wayne.

Clearing his throat, Alfred began in his usual calm, measured tone. "Long ago, a celestial being descended from the heavens, landing in a field owned by a struggling farmer. The celestial arrived in a dazzling ship, unlike anything seen on Earth. But the farmer, desperate to survive, dismantled the ship and sold its parts, making himself a fortune. When the celestial discovered what had happened, he was furious and sought out the farmer to demand justice."

The kids leaned in, totally hooked.

Alfred continued, "The farmer, terrified, begged for forgiveness. He promised that one day, his descendant would marry the celestial's firstborn child to atone for his crime. The celestial, after much thought, relented. He gifted the farmer the rest of the ship as dowry. From that moment on, the Wayne family flourished, their wealth growing beyond imagination."

Bruce, who’d been half-listening while skimming through some files on genetic engineering from the Fortress of Solitude, snorted. "Someone clearly had quite an imagination."

Without saying a word, Alfred flipped the book around and held it up for Bruce to see. The smirk faded from Bruce’s face as his eyes landed on the page. There, drawn in faded ink, was a detailed sketch of the ship… emblazoned with a symbol Bruce recognized immediately.

The crest of the House of El.

Alfred straightened, his tone subdued. "It would seem, Master Bruce, that the promise made to Jor-El must now be honored, given that his firstborn son has arrived on Earth."

Bruce froze. He recalled the Fortress’ eccentric behavior toward him and broke out in cold sweat.

[blog-moved-lol]

Bruce acts so emo all the time that I just can't help but enjoy the idea(/headcanon, I guess) of him secretly just being an old man dad- Like all of the villains go 'Omg it's Batman we're gonna get beat up' and Commissioner Gordon randomly thinks to himself while working late 'I bet Batman is doing super smart stuff like looking at case files or serving justice rn' but it turns out Bruce is just in the Batcave, very seriously talking to the Bat-Computer about the definition of slang like "Okay 'Puter, define 'Yeet' for me.."

Or he's up at 3AM scrolling through Tim's Tumblr blog looking for ways to connect with his child, but instead becomes mildly concerned when he sees Tim posted a pic five minutes ago of himself at Waffle House (He thought he was in his bedroom-?) with the caption 'Lmao just had a mental breakdown ✌'

Bruce: "So, Damian.. Have you 'rizzed up' any 'level ten gyatts' recently?"

Damian(Also doesn't know slang): "Father wtf"

Of course all of the Bat-Kids know this, and try to subtly introduce him to different memes because he always looks so proud of himself when he properly uses slang, he's like 'Heck yeah my kids are gonna think I'm cool'