#tw: friendship issues

[roseate-felidae]

Vent warning

Super long too.

I'm still so upset. I pretended to be someone I wasn't. Yet it was pointless and unsustainable. In grief, I became a monster.

Everything has come together in the weirdest ways possible to make this so much worse.

It started last summer. I came across some characters for an au. The au's artist/writer and I became friends and spent the night chatting for hours. They asked if I wanted to be beta for the au's fic, and I declined due to work getting in the way. But I still enjoyed discussing the characters.

We discussed the characters regularly. Like before.

My overchatting became too much. I have autism and a tendency to ramble. I also asked too many questions, trying to learn so much about the characters. A research binge.

I overestimated how much of a friend they saw me as. So asking how they were, hobbies and other fandoms was uncomfortable. They weren't a friend you saw in person. So it wasn't the same. I didn't realise that at the time. But I do now.

They weren't used to my personality. Friendly yes, but not quiet or breif. Too much for most.

Naturally, boundaries were drawn. So only the au was discussed like the boundaries stated. But still, it was too much. Not tiny infrequent chats.

So they chatted to a mutual friend, and more boundaries were drawn. no more asking about a cameo (I was indescisive), no random small talk, and only chat about au once monthly.

That worked for a while. Then it didn't. I became so fearful of triggering overstimulation that i felt like I was treading on eggshells. But the slightest lapse in caution would lead to a silly meme said, or I would give them a question to "save" for next month, but they'd answer it then.

I blame myself for not being as strict as I should of been. They lowered boundaries, and I didn't realise I was inching over them. Even if a little. I would relax and then it couldn't be undone.

Small things on their own were fine. But it accumulated over time, and that was enough.

It was never a good scenario. We had fun, and therefore, neither of us saw the red flags. For me, a normal friendship isn't a question allowed only once a month and masking to not seem like myself. To them, it was lowering their boundaries to make someone happy and putting up with someone who was too much for them.

But just as stress accumulated for them, so did stress for me.

One day, i asked for a sfw commission on my fave characters, a gay pair joking about with eachother. They said they'd think about it and come back to me. Stupidly, i researched commision prices (they had not priced themselves), confused by the vast differences in different tumblrs, I voiced this in a wordy way to them. But it was unwarranted wordy chatter. So the natural conclusion came to be. They came back politely, explaining they never wanted to chat again, and I was blocked, and fic stopped from being public.

I had used the fic to help keep myself afloat. Many awful things happened in that time in my life (and sadly currently), and those life events made me grow too attached to the au fic. It was comforting, and then it was gone.

I greived and felt disgusting for upsetting a friend. Then, I became a monster. I was trying to apologise and see if I could change their mind on the fic. I didn't inch over the boundary with their permission or with an innocent joke. No, i leapt over it. I contacted someone they knew and commented to them outside tumblr. In desperation to fix it. I killed it. This wasn't small accumulating, but a disaster.

Thankfully, with the comfort of a friend, I'm not so hateful of myself. With the advice of another friend, I rectified the comment by deleting it.

Yet the irrational part of me resents them. I wish I had never helped with the au, never laughed and joked about it. Never cared about the characters. Never met them at all. My confidence in my autistic talkative self is shattered. I feel like an unworthy freak, forever too much for people. I come across things that remind me of it and feel sorrow. Wonder if I did something different, if it would change the outcome.

But it was never healthy. If you can't relax enough to chat frequently and be yourself. If you lower your boundaries to suit others. If you get overwhelmed easily by someone's natural self. How was it ever gonna work? You can only pretend to be different people for so long.

I will never not feel hurt looking back on this. But maybe I can surround myself with people who I can be unapologetically myself with. Infodumper, chatterbox, and all. Hopefully, they will be stronger, too. One day, I will see things that remind me of it and not care. I just have to hope and wait. Maybe they may post it again. I won't be able to interact, but I can enjoy it on my own. But it's out of my control. I can only hope.

I just wished I could have gone back and told myself it wasn't a good idea to pretend not to be you. It couldn't be sustained, despite how easy it sounded, and it would come back to bite you. The joy would be great but fleeting. That I was being a naive fool. When they said we were too different, I should have said goodbye and enjoyed it on my own.

I hate autism. I never chose not to be "normal." Yet I refuse to let myself be a monster to grief and desperation anymore. What's done is done. It's in their hands now. My apologies are known.

[furiousgoldfish]

I have this reoccurring problem where I feel like I've found a friend in someone, and then some time later, this person does something to hurt me, and rather than apologizing, they snap at me, act like I'm awful and a nuisance to them, and generally get very angry with me. First it makes me feel guilty, and I go over everything I did to see how I deserved this, but then I realize I didn't do anything, they just hurt me and snapped at me, made me feel like it's my fault. And then I get scared that this person could do that, because I can't even imagine doing that to anyone, it's so deeply unethical and shitty, but people do it like it's their second nature. Once I realize that this person scares me, I know I have to get distance and move away from the friendship if I don't want to live a very anxious and triggering life, so I do that. And thus I have no friends anymore.

Now for me, this occurred easily over 30 or 40 times with different people, to the point where I've started to wonder if I maybe draw this behaviour out of them. Because I will usually pick people who I believe would never do that, who seem to be kind, understanding, gentle, funny, easy going, I go for that almost every time, and still they snap at me. I'm wondering if it's because everyone in their mind thinks there's one person somewhere they're allowed to snap at, and since I'm very mild tempered, easy going and understanding, it feels to them like snapping at me couldn’t possibly have any consequences?  Again, I don't understand this, I would rather never snap at any person in my life.

My problem is that sometimes, I end up very bonded to these people, and I start building hope that maybe I could be normal, have friends, function in society, just because it feels for a bit like I'm accepted, I'm allowed to socialize and chat and joke around and tell things to someone, and this means the world to me. I've lived in an environment where I was not allowed any of that. So when these specific people snap at me, my hopes crumble to the ground, and I'm back into the place where I don't feel like I'm a person anymore. Even worse, I get triggered back into my childhood, where my parents screamed at me telling me how disgusting I am, how nobody will ever want anything to do with me, and how I'm the worst thing to ever exist on the planet. That's how I end up feeling when anyone turns against me, or abandons me. I keep it to myself, because I don't want the triggers affecting the friendship. But they affect me deeply.

That feeling of someone I care about finding me disgusting and awful and poisonous gives me so much pain I want to curl up and disappear. I want to not exist anymore. I would rather be alone forever than experience more of that. And that's exactly what I do; I curl up in my own little corner and don't socialize out of terror that more of this will happen, because it does happen so often and I still never see it coming.

I know on some deeply logical level, that people are snapping at me because it's easier for them to do that than to face that they've done something wrong, that they've hurt our friendships and acted badly towards me; they need it to be my fault so they'd feel better about themselves. Taking it out on me is just an easy route because I have zero vindication in me and probably won't ever snap back or get angry in return; I'll just withdraw. I'm always too worried I've genuinely done something wrong when it happens, I'll apologize a thousand times, I'll spend a while trying to figure out what's the truth, and then before I even think about getting angry, I'll be swallowed by pain and sorrow that this happened to me again.

Has anyone found any ways to have people not snap at you when they hurt you? What kind of change in attitude would achieve this? Do I just have bad friend-picking skills? Is this just a normal part of life that other people can handle because being snapped on doesn't make them suicidal? Is it considered normal that your friend will sometimes snap at you when they hurt you? Is it not a glaring red flag? In some cases people will not only snap but also gaslight me about what happened, and I know gaslighting is way over the line. Has this been happening to others? Please give me any opinions or experiences of this, especially if you found a way to deal with it.

[aftgficrec]

ack finally caught you guys open <333 thanks for all your work! I was wondering if you have any newer longer fics with realistic characterisation and writing (similar to profenity’s works maybe?) and also any non-fox Neil/andrew fics? Thank you!And sorry for the tall order;;🙏

You’ll find an abundance of non-fox andreil in our recent Staff Recs: Writers post. On our tags page under AUs, explore the shops and jobs sections or other themes from fantasy to band aus.

Fandom writer profenity is known for long, meaty explorations of canon characters and themes. Their ongoing WIP ‘The Unkindness of Ravens’ has more than 380k words and 12k+ kudos! Find it in this Raven!Neil to Fox ask under former writing name crazy_like_a. The author interacts with fans on tumblr @hopingforcoordinates. 

We’ve featured or referred to profenity’s ‘Lessons in Cartography’ and sequel ‘The Cartographer and the World’ in many asks. I’m listing some as a doorway to similar works. For something newer, try the Kevin-centric ‘A Falling Star’ series, featured here. If this answer seems cobbled together — it is. This is my subjective, limited attempt at catching lightning in a bottle. -A

check out other works in these asks that feature profenity’s ‘Lessons’ series:

must read fandom classics here

post canon continuation of The King’s Men here

Neil fights with Jack here

andreil exploring feelings, intimacy and sexuality here

in character andreil smut here

small selection of ‘not new’ recs:

‘Hold me close, in fact bury me’ and ‘Trust Fall (And Welcoming Arms)’ here

‘Black As Is The Raven, He’ll Get A Partner’ here

‘progress comes in small steps’ series here

‘Inked Truths’ series here

‘Baltimore Blues’ here

long recs for a return to fandom here

A Falling Star series by NikNak22 [Rated M/E, 245011 words, 3 complete works, Updated Nov 2023]

NB: the author credits inspiration to ‘To Be Certain We'll Be Tall Again’ by fullyvisible, featured here, now complete.

Part 1: Dead of Night (E, 101589 words) It’s Kevin’s senior year at PSU, and things are…okay. But that changes when a single question from a nosy reporter sends his life spiraling. The descent is slow and maddening – memories and trauma from his past weave together to form the image of the man that stands there today. As Kevin begins to look around him with a new and critical eye, though, he’s no longer sure that man is who he wants to be. So the question is - when faced with the truth, is it a case of Kevin finally getting what he deserves? Or is it about time to prove a lot of people (including himself) wrong? Aka the fic that’s all about Kevin Day.

tw: torture, tw: abuse, tw: child abuse, tw: rape/noncon, tw: alcohol abuse, tw: psychological abuse, tw: depression, tw: self esteem issues, tw: body dysmorphia, tw: body shaming, tw: bullying, tw: assault, tw: homophobia, tw: racism,  tw: self harm

Part 2: Darkest Before Dawn (M, 52365) “This is finally it, isn’t it?” Jeremy whispers. “Oui,” Jean says softly on Kevin’s other side. “I believe it is.” And for a moment, they look so lost. Just two little boys about to go out and face the big, wide world. So Kevin searches until both of his hands find one of theirs. He doesn’t look at them, though he feels their gazes on him. He just breathes deeply and closes his eyes. Then he squeezes their hands as he tells them, “I can’t wait to see what you’ll do next.” AKA the highs and lows of Kevin’s life after graduation and into the Pros.

tw: self esteem issues, tw: panic attacks, tw: minor character death, tw: implied/referenced assault, tw: implied/referenced eating disorders

Part 3: In the Light of Day (E, 91057) It’s been almost five years since Kevin graduated from PSU. Five years that he's played Exy professionally. Five years since he’s learned to live on his own. Five years after discovering he’s in love with his best friends, former USC Trojans Jeremy Knox and Jean Moreau. Five years since he’s figured out, they will never love him back. So, when Jeremy and Jean invite him to their house for Christmas this year, he knows this is it. It’s the finale. The last hurrah. The swan song. The final act. It’s time he lets them go, lets this foolish, one-sided love go, once and for all. But he might find this is harder than he ever expected.

tw: depression, tw: bullying, tw: self esteem issues, tw: body dysmorphia, tw: imposter syndrome, tw: implied/referenced eating disorders, tw: gaslighting, tw: ptsd, tw: dissociation, tw: implied/referenced abuse

[thedragonemperess]

i think we as a society don’t talk enough about leo’s trauma because my man gets his arm and his leg crushed trying to save his family and then proceeds to get teased by his family for not being bionic enough when the whole reason he’s bionic is because he was trying to save them and he got hurt and especially his leg is treated like a joke the whole time, and then he finally finds a new way to combine his and his friends powers and it blinds his friend which hurt him so much that he quit?? he spends all four seasons begging to be bionic but this affected him so much he quits, only coming back because his family is in danger (again)

anyways i love him

THIS IS THE EXACT REASON WHY HIS AND DOUGLAS' FRIENDSHIP WAS SO NEEDED!!! IF THEY TOOK A BIT OF TIME TO LOOK INTO DOUGLAS PAST AND HOW HEAVILY THAT AFFECTED HIS CHARACTER, IT WOULD BE SO EASY TO TELL THAT HE AND LEO WOULD MIRROR EACH OTHER!! DOUGLAS, STREET TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF, WOULD BE AND TO BE THE PERSON FOR LEO THAT HE DESPERATELY NEEDED!!! THIS WOULD ALLOW LEO TO PROPERLY DEVELOP INTO THE BIONIC HERO THAT HE'S ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AND WOULD ALLOW DOUGLAS TO BE MORE THAN JUST COMEDY RELIEF, COMEDY RELIEF (EVIL), AND A SECOND DONALD!!!

[aerisan-ace]

Slight vent, but my best friend just opened up to me about how she feels that people judge our friendship. That she only became friends with me because I'm smart, that she sees how obvious it is on other's stares. That she wanted to push me away so they'd stop staring. Of course, I comforted and reassured her (that it's not like that, and never was.)

But I can't help but feel hurt at this. (Not just towards other people, but also her?) Does she not trust me and herself enough, that she thinks our friendship solely revolves around academics? That she subconsciously thinks I'm just 'The smart friend' while I saw her as the most amazing, best friend, whom I feel comfortable with other than my cousins? But no, I'm just the smart friend (that's it?)

I never told her this. (What kind of friend centers one's problems to themselves??) Yet, I feel like she's telling me "I feel uncomfortable around you with other people because you're superior than me. Please don't hang out near me when others are watching," (and that hurts so bad coming from a person I care for deeply.)

I know she's just telling me how she feels (and it's fine to feel), I'm glad she opened up to me. But it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt. I didn't tell her this too (she'll blame herself.) I feel like our friendship is drifting apart.

And it's not like I'm not unwell. I have trust and relationship issues. (I often run from my problems, I admit.) but I'm trying to not run away this time. To not break off our friendship from this problem. (I can't commit to anything.)

I probably made this post to feel better about myself. To prove her wrong, to make people take my side. (maybe I really am) but I know deep down, it'll just hurt. Whether people take my side or not. (if there even is sides to take)

I don't know. I probably made this way too long. I just want to feel heard. About what I feel. (I don't want to feel better. I just want to feel seen)

[the-mechanisms-system]

Lol totally not planning my post-semester attention grab isolation to make my friends have to Intentionally reach out and show they care and want me around and also to show that I don't need them and would be fine without them

[invalid-request]

cuz I know somewhere down the line I'm just gonna have that "Wtf? I thought we were friends?" moment

so why even try with anyone

[pankakeperformer]

random as fuck 4 am thought

"If it was always ok for you to vent to me, about anything, for however long, and I would understand and try to help, then why didn't I ever feel like I could do the same? Why was I constantly ignored when I tried to share my struggles? Was I simply not important enough in your mind? Did you really think of me as YOUR support and nothing more? Do you know how much it hurt to text all of you day after day only for it to be ignored because I was too much. My problems were too much or not important enough or whatever the reason was for you to convienantly ignore me when it came time for me to have my share of issues. You were my best friends and you ruined me. I hope you realize how much of myself I gave to you and how little I got back in return. I emerged from your friendship as less of a person than I was before. I've had to spend years building myself back up together. I hope you think of me one day and realize how little you truly know me. I loved you guys. I still do"

[ak-harper-loves-fiction]

Short Story About Helping Friends With Their Mental Illnesses

Well, if it isn’t hell on Earth, Amber thinks as she approaches Saint Dymphna High School for the second time today. The brick, prison-like structure gets larger as she walks further, but she does not have the same pit in her stomach she gets when she comes in the morning. Instead, she has the relentless sensation of satisfaction. Her mind keeps filling her head with thoughts of pride. I finally got Theo to attend an after-school event!

Every year, the Science Club at Saint Dymphna holds a fair where people get to come an hour or two after school has ended to meet up and do ‘sciencey things’. At least, that is how Theo had worded it to Amber when she asked him about it. He had originally been dismissive, but after she kept pushing, he eventually caved in once they both agreed to call it ‘Nerdfest’.

When she reaches the concrete path to the school's front entrance, Amber scans the scene. Where is that recluse, anyway? All she sees ahead of her are trees, grass, and benches that outline the edges of the pathway. She stares at the front door and notices people inside through the glass. Did he go inside already? she wonders.

“You’re early,” a voice says behind her. She turns around to see Theo who offers her a small smile and a wave. “It doesn’t start ‘til four-thirty. It’s four-twenty-nine now.” He holds out his phone’s lock screen for proof. 

She scoffs and crosses her arms. “A minute early is nothing.” 

“Whatever you say, boss.”

Amber grins. “Aren’t you excited for Nerdfest? This is your first outside-of-school event in, wait, how long?”

“A while.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, fixating on the ground. “Hey Amber, I know it seems ridiculous to back out now, but…” 

“But?”

Theo takes a few steps back, never looking up. “But, well, I don’t know. I-I don’t think I can do this.”

She opens her mouth to ask what he means, but then she watches him finally look up and gaze at the school in front of him. He immediately tenses and takes another step back. Oh shit, she thinks. “Are you okay?”

He jumps slightly at the question. “Oh yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. I know you wanted to go, so I guess you can go without me-”

“No,” Amber cuts him off. “Theo, I’m not doing this without you.” 

Theo darts his eyes around for a second. “I need to sit down.” He abruptly walks over to one of the benches and sits down. His leg starts to bounce. “You can go inside if you want. I just need a minute.”

She takes a seat next to him on the bench. “Again, I’m not going in without you.” She finds herself also growing tense. I hope I don’t make it worse, she starts to worry. 

“Seriously, you can go in, if you want.” He winces as a chattering group of students passes the bench and heads inside. He pushes his hand down on his leg to try to stop it from bouncing. “Don’t let me hold you back.”

“You’re not holding me back in the slightest.” I only came to this for you, she wants to tell him. “It wouldn’t be fun without you. I wanted to do this together.”

“You don’t have to say that just ‘cause we’re friends,” Theo mumbles while focusing on the concrete. His hands tremble and he tries to hide it by shoving them in his pockets again. “I’m sorry for-”

Amber puts her hand up for him to stop. “Me sticking with you has nothing to do with feeling sorry for you and everything to do with the fact that I would like you to be there with me at the fair.” She pauses to soften her speech. Don’t come off too strong. “I wanna learn about nerdy shit with my best friend.” She gives him a playful nudge. 

He subtly recoils. “You don’t have to say that-”

“You’re right. I don’t have to, but I want to. Because you deserve to know that I’m not going to go to Nerdfest without my nerdy best friend.” Take the damn compliment this time, bitch, she mentally adds. 

Theo stays silent for a second as if he is contemplating a response. Sure enough, he forces a smirk and jokes: “All I’m missing are the braces and another lens for my other eye.” He points to his monocle. 

Amber lets out an exaggerated gasp. “Your Theoness is slowly returning.”

He pulls his hands out of his pockets. “No tremor. I guess it is.”

“Ready for Nerdfest?” She stands up and holds out her hand. 

He also stands up, looking back at the school and hesitating. “Ready as I’ll ever be.” 

[plumspider]

Okay so this whole thing is me ranting and summarising all the stuff I’ve been through this year :)

I feel like I do have mother issues but they’re different to everyone else’s and I can never find anything talking about it that I actually relate to and that kinda makes me feel like I’m being dramatic.

I love my mum and she loves me too. I think. But she doesn’t always like me. And I don’t always like her. I feel like she just makes stuff up that I’ve done and is just mad at me for no reason. At some point she got it into her head that I am unhelpful and rude and now that is what she tells me whenever I do anything ever. She always talks about my tone, which btw only started once I told her that in RSHE I was learning about how teenagers can’t control their tone, and I think she’s harder on me than my siblings. Sometimes she’s right, sometimes I am a bit rude or unhelpful - but I do everything I am asked to do, it’s not my fault that no one likes doing chores so I don’t just get up and start doing shit, if you want me to do something maybe just ask? - but also I am a teenager, I am trying but a lot is happening in my life and also her standards are a lot higher/different to those of people at school so it’s hard to adjust.

Everyone always says I’m like her, “you clash sometimes because you’re so similar” and they mean it in the ‘stubborn’ and ‘always right’ way. Which I get because she is my mother and I am like that sometimes and so is she. But I don’t want to be her. And i think that the fact that we are so similar is a shitty excuse for us not working well together and that really that should be a reason for why she is less hard on me. Because why are you having a go at me for something you do too.

And she switches so much. I think I’d actually prefer it if she was always a bitch to me. But instead we will have the best day ever and then the next day she’ll hate me. She can be buying me stuff and we’ll be having a nice conversation and then a few hours later I say one thing wrong and get lectured

“You’re so rude, so unhelpful, the way you act around us makes us feel like you hate us, you always speak with such a rude tone” I AM 14 YEARS OLD. “You don’t take it under consideration how we feel, how this makes us feel” “it makes me sad when you respond with noises” okay fair enough but maybe I’m having a shit day. Maybe I’d like to feel normal talking to my parents about my feelings. It’s not completely your fault I don’t think but some people feel comfortable talking about anything with their parents and I am here being someone who only ever cries in front of her parents when someone dies. I barely ever cry. I get that feeling like I need to where my head builds up with pressure and hurts so bad but I just can’t let it out. Maybe I would’ve liked to talk to you guys about it when my friendship group went to shit and I was affected so deeply by something crazy bad and maybe I would’ve liked to feel like you wouldn’t judge me or idk make some comment or maybe I’d like to feel more comfortable talking about that stuff.

Before I got my current friends I never rlly liked my friends or didn’t feel comfortable talking about real shit with them. In April a lot happened. I felt more comfortable with my friends than I ever had before. Even though occasionally I thought certain things were odd and I didn’t like it. But I looked past it because I want one of those friendships where we are so incredibly close and love eachother SO MUCH.

Sad rant crazy friendship group paragraph coming (tw uhhh a lot of stuff):

Then my best friend - who idk what our situation was , apparently they were gonna ask me out on my bday, but instead the day after my bday they went around to this other friends house and fucked them so I’m not sure 😭 - fucked another ‘friend’ (who I never rlly liked tbh) and that other friend was then cheating on their gf who was also our friend but also aside from that they were also necrophiliac furrys who cut themselves together like a weird ass fucking ritual (not even in a sad way, like they did it for funsies) and found gore and dead shit hot. And that kinda fucked up everything but on the other hand that made the friendship group I have now which I am so grateful for but like omfg what the hell was that whole situation.

Edit: I typed this earlier and I think I was gonna add more but I had to go to karate and I kinda lost my train of thought (is that the saying?) so I’m just gonna post it now. Sorry for the randomness and trauma dumping 😭

Also isn’t it odd that I find it more comforting talking to a bunch of strangers on the internet who don’t even know my name about my emotions over taking to my parents about it. I also talk to my friends about it but Yk I just like to rant.

Also I feel like I might have some minor trust issues.

[abcitycake]

So my ex partner accused me of grooming them 😮‍💨 Despite I did my best to get them out of their abusive situations. I let them come to my house, fed them, paid for a hair cut, just so many things, etc. it’s all a slap in the face for me and my closest friends. Yeah there was an age gap but everything was consented and I never did anything to make them uncomfortable. Their mental health deteriorated and they developed DID. Now they blame me for everything that’s happened to them and they’ve fallen to continue the cycle of abuse. This has just not been my year.

[poppy-metal]

so much is wrong w me at this point i do have to wonder, objectively not even suicidally, why im even here. like I've obviously been botched along the way send me back or scrap me all together 🧍‍♀️

[pain-is-my-game]

Why do the people I care about keep abandoning me? But they didn't just leave you other people were affected too.

But why did they leave? What did I do wrong. It wasn't your fault. You can't control other people's actions.

Then why does hurt so much? I don't know why but I'm sorry.

[pl-ceh-lder]

i cannot stress enough how lucky i got to have the friends that i do

i’m at a party rn and i got really overwhelmed because it was an easter potluck and the dish i was gonna bring got messed up bc our oven broke, then i couldn’t eat a lot at the potluck bc when i get too stressed i can’t try anything new and EVERYTHING was something new, then it was way louder than i anticipated and there were a lot of flashing lights and stuff once the actual Party part started

but then my friend (who lives in the apartment the party’s at) quietly and discreetly offered me her room for as long as i needed it and helped me out with the lights, and my roommate brought me water and some snacks they keep for me in case i can’t find anything i can eat when im stressed and i just

i got really really really lucky and everyone in my class is so kind and i know they don’t even think about these things as being a big deal but it means the literal world to me, i love them all a lot

i’ve gotten more grounded and they’re watching hop so i’m probably gonna join them in a few minutes :]

[many-gay-magpies]

while im already on the train of teen wolf thoughts, i might as well say that i do not get sterek. romantically anyway. that ship is so intensely POPULAR and ive been seeing stuff about it for literal years, way before i ever even considered watching teen wolf or really knew what it was. pretty much every teen wolf fic i see on ao3 has some manner of sterek in it unless i SPECIFICALLY search for something else, like its just a given part of fanon, but now that im actually watching it im kinda like. where? like yeah they had that one vaguely homoerotic wall-pinning moment in season 1, they snark at each other a lot, but like. i don't even see them together that often. and that's not even MENTIONING the fact that in season 1 stiles is 15/16 and derek is fucking,, 22 (or 20, I'm not sure on his age but ik its at least a four-year difference),,, which is just. yeah no thanks

if anything they strike me more as, like, goofy, vaguely sibling-coded friends. stiles came along as a package deal with scott and started annoying the shit out of derek and derek had no say in the matter whatsoever, and i think that's beautiful.

all this being said, stiles is absolutely bisexual

[pale-pastel-girl]

vent // MANY potential triggers, warnings in tags

the past year and a half has been awful.

so many good things have happened and i’m so grateful, but the bad things are fucking BAD.

went NC with my sexual predator of a father, lost my best friend who i felt so safe around that my repressed CSA memories came back slightly (we had one misunderstanding and they ended the friendship nearly immediately), been dealing with aforementioned CSA repressed memories, and i found out that my IL’s have never liked me, they managed to fake it incredibly well for YEARS, and now they’re trying to essentially make us homeless (financial abuse).

all of this started in september of 2022. my hair has been falling out since it all started. my bpd symptoms are acting up again. i’m terrified my husband is going to cheat or leave, and even though i know it’s the bpd talking (he’s literally an angel), god does bpd make it feel so real. i’m either eating nothing for days or binging. my blood sugar keeps spiking and dropping from cortisol spikes. sleep is HELL. it’s been hell all my life, but it’s gotten so much worse. my psychosis symptoms are getting so fucking bad. i’m seeing and hearing things every moment of the day.

but i feel fucking terrible for needing to vent and not doing well. i feel like i’m not allowed to be upset about any of this because at least i’m in an area that isn’t being actively bombed. me, my family, and my people aren’t being genocided.

i don’t know how to keep it together. i really, really don’t. i do my chores everyday and i feel so goddamn grateful to be able to do them. but i process shit mentally when i clean. and i process when i’m not doing anything too. i cannot escape. i can’t escape the realization of being r*ped by my father. i can’t. i’m being fucking eaten alive yet i still feel the need to express gratitude.

i don’t want to do this anymore. but i don’t have a choice. i have to keep going.