#lonelyness

[casp1an-sea]

God I hate feeling so cripplingly lonely all of the time. People can say “oh you just need to get out more” “you should go do something fun” “reach out to your friends” no you don’t get it. I close myself off because I feel so lonely. And yeah doing so probably does not help with the loneliness but I need someone to reach out to me not the other way around. I need to know that someone cares about me that they’re thinking about me. If I do it myself it doesn’t help with the loneliness. Just hanging out with people doesn’t help with The lonelyness it has to mean something. But I can never directly tell people this bc that makes me feel like I’m fishing for it. And maybe I am a little bc I do desperately crave something to help with whatever the fuck is going on with me. But that makes me feel so guilty and god idk. Fuck depression

[bluebirdinpisces]

[xxxlilbunny]

𝗕𝗢𝗢𝗞𝗦, 𝗖𝗢𝗙𝗙𝗘𝗘 𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗔 𝗕𝗘𝗔𝗨𝗧𝗜𝗙𝗨𝗟 𝗥𝗔𝗜𝗡𝗬 𝗡𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧

I really miss winter so bad

[rainy-dream-0]

Guess who is crying... i feel lonely...

I keep trying yo convince myself that everything will be ok but i'm not ok...

I'm probably not a good person... That's probably why people always leave me..

I'm not good enough...

[d34th1ns0l1tud3]

i cant pick between craving attention or craving solitude and loneliness ughhhhhh its like im switching between those two every minute ╥﹏╥

[justliketorispringfr]

sometimes I just need a void to scream into

[bigbrotherben]

I should not have a significant other smdh, I wouldn't get off them for like the first month of our relationship. And then I'd say some corny shit about "Making up lost time"

[karrolinnn]

The reality of being a loner

I really don't want to make this post too long, so I won't get in-depth about the experiences I will describe, but, if you'd like me to, I would be happy to do so. Just comment.

My whole life I have been quite the loner. Moreover, an outcast. An absolute ghost. See-through, like a glass figurine.

In elementary school, I used to have only one close friend, she was my best friend at that time. We used to sit together in class, have play dates, later on as we got our first phones we used to text and call each other too. I was fine with having only one friend, she was a great one too, I have always been a pretty introverted girl, so it really didn't bother me.

But I rememeber that for some reason, the rest of the class wasn't too friendly with me. I definitely wasn't bulied, they were just a little distant, maybe even secretive around me. We did play around together and talk about stuff, but not too much. When we used to talk or play some kind of game I always felt a little left out or unwanted. Not to mention feeling like they knew stuff that they didn't want me to know.

But let's say that I just wasn't a regular person in their friend group, so it must be fine for them to not be too open to me, right? But I will never forget this one time, the time I actually felt unwanted by my friends for the first time in my life. The time I heard it crystal clear.

I was at a playground near a friend's house. I saw one of my friends and her best friend at the time together in her front yard. I asked if I could come over and join them, and then they started whispering to each other. To this day, so many years later, I still rememeber one of them saying: "Alright, but you will have to get rid of her later". Maybe I was getting in the way of their playtime as best friends. Maybe not. Eighter way, this was just mean.

In middle school I switched to a different school, and so my class was full of different people too. My elementary school best friend moved to a different school than mine so we eventually lost touch. When it comes to my new class, despite me being nice, talkative and friendly, they would often try to shorten the conversations with me by replying in a dry and blunt manner, then turn around and walk away. Soon enough, they began treating me like a literal ghost. I would talk to them, looking in their eyes, and they would pretend they didn't see me. They looked behind and around me or turned to our other classmates and talked to them instead. So I totally gave up. I made only two friends throughout my middle scho days, but at the end of that period of my life, one sadly moved to a different school and the other - a different country. So we completely list touch.

Switching classes once again in highschool did not help much too. My class did talk to me but only when they had to - for homework or school-related topics. I did make a few great friends in high-school though, happily. But all that changed after graduation.

I graduated and began attending university. The reality of studying library science in my country is the following: I am one of the only 3 people who attend lectures in my whole course, which consists of 12 people. Most times I am all by myself throughout lectures. (This has its' many benefits but that's a different topic) I did not make any friends in university as most people in my faculty are many years older than me and our world views are very different. (There is a 20 year age gap between us for example) I do communicate with the other two people who attend lectures with me, but I do not feel very connected to them. And so, I am now a loner. My friends from highschool all go to work so we rarely meet up. I am usually by myself as I travel to university and attend lectures. I live in a village and have no friends around too. Not to mention how hard it is to make friends when you're an adult.

And here comes the big realisation I had a few weeks ago.

I used to miss being a part of a class. I didn't want to be friends with the rest of the class or even talk to them. Just to be around people. But that all changed when I went to a lecture with a different specialty and we were a total of around 20 people. (average class in my country) Then I suddenly felt very left out. I did have a few people who talked to me, but it was regarding studies. I looked at everyone around me and realised I am once again a ghost. Like I had entered school again. So did I really ever wish to be a part of a class or a fomal group of people? I realised I only liked the idea of it that I had made up in my head. The idea I had romanticized. That I would no longer feel lonely if I had a lot of people attend the lectures I attend. That I would not be lonely if I could attend high school again. But that is not true. I am a loner, and I have always been. I accept that, despite how hard it is sometimes.

[deadpunktrash]

I want everyone to leave me alone. To make everyone forget about me

[norecoveryangel]

Nothing is as sad as realizing you aren't even the blurry-figure-friend in the picture; you are the photographer. Looking at every photo you've taken it's all them, smiling, laughing, half drunk on the joy of being alive; no photos of you ever. Maybe you are too ugly, too weird looking, too strange to be featured next to them. Perhaps it's your hair - if only you'd kept it long and shiny - or your face - average, dull, plagued with little imperfections - or your body - God, you wish you were thinner, prettier, more athletic, less you. But you know you are the first to pull out the camera, fighting back tears when, after everyone has gotten their picture taken, no one asks if you would like one too. No, that'd be awkward: you, standing alone with your crooked smile and rigid posture, maybe it's for the best. Sometimes it's like you don't exist, like you are a voyeuristic onlooker to their lives, like your only purpose is to fill the role of extra in their movies. Sometimes you wish they mentioned you, they posted a rare picture with you, they showed - even if fake - the slightest hint of love and appreciation. But mostly, you are just grateful that they keep you around because you couldn't fathom living without them. Probably, you conclude, you were just meant to be the photographer friend, not ever shown to the world, never the object, never the loved one, just the giver.

[daw64]

“My safe place is myself.

A haven where I don't have to fear the lighthouse is gone.

Where my 2 arms can best embrace me.

Where my thoughts and peace recharge me.

But secretly, I hope another boat docks on my safe haven.”

[mayashwood]

I feel really lonely and isolated, which is stupid cuz my house is full of people, but it's the kind of lonely that doesn't necessarily go away when you're with people.

I feel bereft of purpose and without joy, I can't get anything new going in my life, creatively or socially or romantically, and the things I start I can't maintain and I sabotage.

I'm hoping it's just a combination of factors which can all change, like the fact that this time of year always fucking sucks, and the big nosedive my mental health took when I had that run in with death this year, and the unwise decision to come off all my meds, and the bizarre self-fulfilling prophecy I have that my life just goes to shit every 4 years like clockwork (honestly since 2004, when the big bad happened, without fail), but honestly something big has to fucking change, cuz idk how long I can deal with feeling like this for.

I wanna walk into the sea and come out as someone else. I know I have the power to completely reinvent myself, I've done it like 3 or 4 times, but idk how exactly.

Fuck Christmas.

[lonely-love-story]

Waiting in hope for the day someone would love me the same way i love you...

[quotestomorals]

But loneliness that deep gets into the marrow, Now that I'm here – among friends – I can feel it burning out of me. Little by little, step by step.

Karlach Baldur's Gate 3

[maorimaorii]

Wallowing thickness

And I wonder if maybe sometimes I pass through your thoughts as you constantly infiltrate mine.

Maybe once or twice something reminds you of me. You smell a smell, filled with nostalgic feelings.

Warm evenings are often the worst. Reminding me of you, they seem to almost hug me but not quite tight enough.

The evening darkens slowly. And often pretty quietly hiding the black spots. Engulfing them in a wallowing thickness.

I wonder if maybe sometimes it reminds you of that one time. We were fitting like a perfect puzzle. Before the blackness of it all swallowed us softly.

After a while once you stay a bit longer. Your eyes will adjust, but you were long gone already. And time has stopped for me ever since.

@maorimaorii

[444-rebel-444]