#trauma discussion

[stick-ball]

Hi! I'm about to end my whole career!

Here goes the Riko rant that dear @capcavan asked, demanded and begged for.

You know, I get it.

So here's the thing. I get it, Riko sucks. He is the bad guy we all got hung upon. Why? Because he is a rival for our protagonist. He is an angsty, young guy, born into wealth that came from money laundering and human trafficking. It's despicable, the Ravens are bullies and he himself makes lots of bad things happen. Yeah sure, I get that, whatever.

Being raised as a superstar must've been really, really difficult for you.

But I want to really dig deeper right now, this is a Riko rant after all, and you need to really know your fighters. So, to start: a huge trap in toxic families is that the children, even when grown up, will refuse to identify their parents and guardians as negative and toxic people. Not even outside influence can really sway them, usually. Kids that get away from a sinister situation can later tell they were abused, that it wasn't right, but still, they don't get the specifics of what and why, and they are doomed to repeat the same abuse and call it good. Call it right. And sometimes that's substance abuse, sometimes thats domestic abuse, sometimes that's racism and sexism and xenophobia they will grow into believing as the way the world works. Sometimes, thats nepotism and sadism. Only thing that can help is therapy and an environment removed from the control of the original abuse, lots of therapy, lots of space, years of it. A perfect case of a typical toxic family is Aaron.

A perfect case of that could also be Riko.

And here you can call bullshit because Neil had such a fucked up, abusive father and he *knew* it was wrong. Yes, he knew it was wrong for his father to hurt him to the measure he went. Why? Because his mother protected him, because his mother feared his father, not adored him. Because his mother took him away and kept running. A mother, a role model a child feels very strongly about, subconsciously.

Riko was taken from his mother. He was pushed aside by his father and left in the care of a family member, who was easy to glorify for an impressionable child. Because he was a legend. In fanon I often see Tetsuji's character taking a very background role in everything, and sure, he seems pretty background to Neil, because every bad guy seems background to Neil in comparison to his Father - besides Riko, who is the one dangling that threat in front of him. Tetsuji just wants his property back, Riko is playing with fire though. So yeah to us, reading the story, Tetsuji is a total asshole among many such men in the book.

But to Riko he must've meant almost everything for a long time. A crucial thing about Tetsuji is, he is a sadist. Oh sure, sorry, it's only called sadism when done against his team, right? Against Jean or Kevin or Neil? When it comes to Riko, who was in his care for all of his formative years, it was just strict childbearing right? He is a Moriyama after all, so he is evil from birth.

Yeah, I must've mixed something up about Riko being beaten to unconsciousness several times being mentioned in extra content. You think that was a one, two, third times the charm occurance?

Always a commodity, never a human being, not a single person in your family thinking you’re worth a damn off the court— yeah, sounds rough.

I always wondered how sarcastic Neil was saying this. I mean, he definitely meant to land a punch where it would hurt. And he actually knew Riko as a little kid, so he knew more than most.

Stockholm syndrome is very common among victims of childhood abuse. I would know, anyway. It's like the most logical option - the survivior is living in a dual reality. These people are my family, the care for me. They provide for me. They want me to be the best. They also abuse me. They hurt me, but it's for the best. Hurting me is a expression of love. I am grateful to them.

I often wonder how many people who read the books know what a commodity is. A commodity, in the most basic terms, is a basic good that can be used in ccommerce to interchange with goods of the same type. A commodity is not a king, or a queen, or a bishop or a knight, or even a rook. It's a fucking pawn. It's cannon fodder.

Riko is worthless to his family. Riko is just a tool to Tetsuji to generate profit. Riko wants to be worthy to his family. Riko most likely loves his uncle and is ready to do the most insane thing if only it gives him the one thing he desires, which is being seen as worthy by his family.

Kevin and I talk about your intricate and endless daddy issues all the time.

Then there's grooming. Grooming is more obvious when it's done by a stranger who sees the child randomly or in some intervals of time. It's much harder to resist when it's constant. To Riko, Tetsuji is a good person, he is a hero, he is his family, he cares for him, they have a common goal. Riko wants to be what Tetsuji wants him to be. There is a price to pay for it, of course. There is a price for everything. But the price doesn't matter. Riko wants to pay the price he has to pay, to be what Tetsuji wants him to be.

And the thing is, do you think Riko learned how to use his money and crime connections to control others? How to gain power through fear and pain? You think spending his whole life locked in a fucking stadium he taught it to himself how to break people in body and spirit? That torturing them was his special interest? Or maybe are you forgetting that amongst valid responces to trauma, besides fight, flight and freeze there is also fawn? Don't you think it's much more likely, being groomed and enamoured with his captor (bcs thats what Tetsuji is to me, their captor) he impersonated him to the best of his ability? That he learned every leaf in the book from him, because he was his only connection to the family, to his father, to his brother. He was a legend, the creator of exy. Wasn't he always trying to be worthy of him? To be good enough to be loved and wanted? To be great full enough?

I am not saying this absolves him of any of the things he did, but people do insane things under lesser influence, things they would never do otherwise. And I am not talking of people groomed from early childhood, I'm talking of sane adults, being dragged into dangerous and destructive ideologies.

I know it’s not entirely your fault that you are mentally unbalanced and infected with these delusions of grandeur, and I know you’re physically incapable of holding a decent conversation with anyone like every other normal human being can, but I don’t think any of us should have to put up with this much of your bullshit.

Because it isn't, is it? The things HE does ARE his fault, definately. But the reason why? That is not that easy to pinpoint. And Riko is so unstable it hurts. He is so far removed from real life he is completely incapable of conversation. He is a child brought up in a grave, but...

Pity only gets you so many concessions, and you used yours up about six insults ago.

To me Riko is besides all other things, wasted potential. All the things he dreamed of? He could have had them. He was talented, he was determined and had a lot of courage, but all of that was utterly wasted in the violence and malice he was soaked in. In all the violence and malice he created in return.

So please, please, just shut the fuck up and leave us alone.

The most interesting thing about All for the game though is, that in every other book Riko dying would've been the big bad wolf being defeated. But here, that's just a bleep on the radar. Because Riko was a product, not the producer. What I love about All for the game is it shows none of the madness and evil in life started or ended with me or you, with Riko or Neil. Not even with Keylight or Tetsuji. Fuck it did not even end with Nathan dying. It all ends how it begun. With a deal with the devil made in the back of a car, bought with blood money.

[actual-changeling]

Do you think Aziraphale has been verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused by Heaven as well?

I will answer this question like one asked in good faith even though my gut is telling me there's a 50/50 chance it is very much not one.

So!

There are two parts to his answer, or rather one question is actually two.

Firstly, we have to talk about whether heaven is abusive, what that abuse looks like, and how it differs from hell.

Secondly, how did the results of question one affect Aziraphale, if it is different from what the other angels in heaven face, and what additional trauma might he have experienced due to being on earth.

I could write a 10k meta post about this and go into the finest detail, but I will just try and stick to the main points for now. It's still going to be way too long because I am so fucking tired of people accusing me of 'hating' Aziraphale or harassing me on my posts or in my inbox.

Is heaven abusive? Yes, and it applies to both heaven as an institution and the Archangels running it.

Getting to know Muriel and what their life looks like was extremely helpful in properly defining this, because they showed us that although the Archangels tend to travel and work as a group, most of the angels are incredibly isolated.

The result is complete emotional neglect, which not only impairs your ability to form and maintain healthy relationships with other people, it also stops your from learning emotional regulation and how to behave and feel as a part of (angelic) society. We see the consequences of that in Muriel, who comes across as overly naive, socially awkward, and out of touch with not just people but themselves.

When your entire life has been shrunk down to what happens inside your own head, suddenly being confronted with having to live outside of your mind is jarring, overwhelming, and foreign.

How do you talk to people when no one ever taught you how to do that? How do you behave around someone after a lifetime of being alone? How do your regulate your responses to their behaviour?

Who are you when there is someone else to perceive you?

Figuring that out is complicated and it takes time, and while most of the angels are only distantly aware of how humans live and what kind of interactions some of the other angels might have, the effects of that neglect stay the same whether they are aware of it or not.

Muriel shows us that angels are not born/made as a blank slate, and neither are humans for that matter. Tabula rasa as a philosophical belief is one thing, but reality is very, very different.

Angels also appear to have the same inherent need for connection, for a caretaker that loves them unconditionally, for someone to help them figure out how to be, and that provides a safe space to make mistakes. Without some or all of that, you grow up into a disregulated, socially awkward if not inept person who does not know how to have relationships or how to properly exist.

It is one of the reasons why autistic people are a) almost always traumatized to some degree and b) do not know how to socialize. No one ever works with our brains, and the resulting neglect is very similar to not receiving any help at all.

If you are now curious what happens if you're both autistic and were completely socially neglected, the result is uh. me. Hi! Not nice, but at least I am very sure I win the award for being my therapist's most fucked up client, so that's something.

Yet the angels are not solely emotionally neglected, the system/household they live in demands a low self-esteem, a lack of individual identity, and complete adherence to a defined ideology and behavioural pattern. In short, you are told how to be a useless, tiny part in a bigger machine, that your only purpose is to succeed at your tasks, and any opportunity for individual development is removed or destroyed.

If you are now once again curious what that might be like, uh, yeah, hi once more. Obviously my childhood was not exactly like an angels life, but the core characteristics were the same, just realized differently. Again, not pretty, really, really fucks you over.

Take that and the neglect, combine it into one person, and then drop them in the Garden of Eden—hello Aziraphale! Crowley got dropped into hell first, experienced more abuse, and then dug his way up into Eden before joining him.

Aziraphale experienced everything Muriel (and Crowley, and every other celestial being) also experienced, with one main difference: He is the one who got away.

We have to remember that out of every single celestial being, Aziraphale got the best deal. He did not fall, he got out of heaven (more or less) permanently, and was then largely left alone.

Does that erase anything I laid out above? No, of course not!

It simply provided him with the opportunity to heal, to take his cPTSD and who knows what other disorders he developed as a result, and start recovering.

Canonically, heaven did not bother him, like, ever, except for the odd note about 'frivolous miracles' or ten minutes of catching up every millennia. They only started monitoring him once they started to suspect he was involved with Crowley and trying to stop the apocalypse from happening.

Aziraphale worked on some things, he got better in many regards, especially with Crowley there to support him, but after six thousand years, many aspects have stayed the same or regressed back to the start over and over.

I will tell you a hard pill to swallow now: If you refuse to acknowledge your issues to instead live in a world of nicer denial and compartmentalization even when you have been offered the chance to change it, that is partly on YOU.

Is it fair? Fuck no! It's not fair at all, and I have had so many breakdowns over that fact. I did not break it, this is not my FAULT so why should I have to fix it all on my own? Why do I have to do the work, not them? How come they get away with it while I am going to have to carry this for the rest of my life?

I still have to do it though. I have to do the work, no matter how uncomfortable and exhausting, because I want to get better.

-

This conversation has so many facets and is a lot more complex, but this is already long enough, so if you have any questions or want to know something specific (while asking politely and in good faith) just send me an ask; I will do my best to answer it.

-

We are now only missing the last part of question 2, and that one is also so fucking complicated reducing it to the main points almost feels wrong, but I will do it anyway. Again, just ask if you have questions.

Abusive households are horrible, and you want to get out and away, but they are also the only thing you know. The world is scary, too big, too open, where did all the rules go that were previously defining your life?

Surviving in an abusive environment means you establish routine after routine after routine for every possible horrible scenario, you write a mental rule book to try and reduce the abuse (don't make them angry, don't cry when they're already shouting, don't do this, don't do that, do x but not y), and THAT is your socialization. THAT is everything you know, everything you are, everything you know relationships to be like.

Once you are away from that, you are completely and utterly lost. Even breathing feels like making a mistake, you feel watched, judged, rated, berated, you have them stuck in your fucking head. So you keep sticking to what you know, your behavioural patterns that have kept you safe your entire life.

The problem is that they kept you safe, past tense. In a healthy environment, all of those coping mechanisms are now maladaptive and harm you instead of keeping you safe.

However, breaking out of them and starting from scratch is terrifying. So, so, so terrifying. I live in constant fear, I feel judged and unsafe in my own flat with the curtains shut and the lights on. I feel like I am about to get subjected to another one of his fits for daring to use the stove.

No matter what you do, your body and brain are SCREAMING at you that diverging from what you know will kill you—and then you have to do it anyway.

Do it alone and afraid and awkwardly but DO IT. Otherwise you will always find a way to recreate the environment you grew up in, whether that is people getting into unhealthy relationships and replicating the patterns they know (which Aziraphale does with Crowley, e.g. the push-pull of his affection) or eventually even returning to it because they ruined you, but a part of you is so, so attached to them you just have to try and change them.

Some people can move on from it without going back, but sometimes you need to try and experience that failure for yourself before being able to move on, and that's where Aziraphale is at.

He needs to try and fail to be capable of finally committing to recovering.

So, to summarize this entire shitshow: Yes, Aziraphale experienced emotional neglect and abuse, and while it is different to what Crowley went through and objectively less intense and physical, it is still just as valid and horrid.

Just because a car accident is objectively worse than falling off a bike doesn't mean the biker's pain is unimportant. Both can kill you, both can hurt you, and both deserve to get their injuries treated.

Questions?

[eosofspades]

the cycle of mother-daughter trauma is a fucking ouroboros why is arguing with my mother the exact same as watching her argue with her mother. i am not me asking my mom to hear what i am saying i am my mom begging her mother to hear what she's saying. sick and twisted mirror that reflects itself in spirals all the way down

[liberaldartsdegree]

if i say that the little nightmares series is a telling of generational/childhood trauma, showing how people become the thing they "hate" (both six and the lady and mono and the thin man just being two versions of themselves at a different time), AND how six dropping mono is almost reminiscent of breaking the cycle despite how painful it is, what do i get in response?

[staggbones]

nobody talks about how trauma kills creativity. last year i was abused and forced to run from my home, since then, i have not been able to make art like i used to, and i miss it so badly. i miss getting an idea and drawing it. i miss drawing for hours. does anyone have advice?

[tohellandback99]

People on the internet with DID can address themselves as however the fuck they want, and say what they need to say, HOWEVER THEY NEED TO, when they NEED, on the fucking internet.

(Since I’ve been misconstrued once with this post; to be completely transparent, this was in the DID subreddit where people are usually very supportive since it’s run by people with DID, for people with DID. Not Fake Disorder Cringe, or any other subreddit that is designed to target and make fun of people. And if you think this isn’t worthy of saying something. I didn’t say this to change THEIR minds, I made this so that other people with DID who see shit like that can see that I see it. Can see that not everyone thinks that. No matter how many people don’t find this it is still worth it and so maybe somebody who might’ve felt discouraged about speaking because of a post like that would be more comfortable in our community if I said, “hey, I don’t think this is okay.” No, if I can defend anyone in the DID community no matter how many people, all who have not done anything to warrant the bullshit, I’m not going to shut my mouth and wait for someone to get seriously hurt by ANY of these miserable ass fucks to then only once have something to say for clout when shit really hits the fan and someone dies.)

Some asshole on Reddit (are we surprised) said that they have an issue with people who make videos on their OWN experience with DID because apparently. According to their “genius” idea of what people who have DID’s needs are, THINKS that just because it’s a fundamentally invisible disorder that (for me personally really just,) relies on the fact that no one will see multiple people in one person as a child and beyond, and because it’s initially that way to protect the brain and body, somehow means that we (you and me and anyone ever who has and has talked about DID,) should all just not speak apparently. And they specified people making videos as if that makes their idea any better. Trauma disorders are not taken seriously enough that we have people IN or COMING IN to the community to say shit that basically means, “shut up about your DID,” and they will die on the hill. Hoping, dying to know! that it was “something wrong with the person,” and not the perpetrator(s) who caused it.

and people with DID on there fucking AGREED with this! Ive seen people discussing their Autism who got this SAME thing happen, and there was pushback for GOOD reason because why on earth do you think you have any credibility to control the narrative of people who live with autism? Likewise DID? You don’t care about what people with DID ACTUALLY need you just want to control people and everyone somehow fell for it somehow. Wow. Just because you took a psych class doesn’t mean you are suddenly an expert on what people with DID need and “should be doing.” This idea that people are supposed to just “be quiet” about anything that makes people uncomfortable, perpetuates controversy and doesn’t actually fix misinformation that’s really out there. It is just a censorship towards those who DO have DID, not doctors who perform malpractice or spread lies about people with DID, and it doesn’t help anyone who IS malingering. If no one with properly looked at and/or diagnosed DID can speak then how the fuck can we have access to resources that can help us? Trauma and dissociative disorders have been linked to people who use it to spread disgusting propaganda and so has been ignored and dismissed, for decades now. This person and lots of people, don’t say anything about THESE people, who have actually spread misinformation. This person specifically didn’t say anything about the people who clearly and/or evidently malinger online, literally nothing but about people who actually have and have to live with DID which is insane and regressive. They pointed out that it’s weird to them for you to share about your DID experience because it’s meant to protect you. Then how is anyone supposed to get help for it then if they can’t talk about it? I had a therapist say this shit to me as if that’s not what I was there for, and THIS person, who was in the DID subreddit was saying the exact same thing. Simply sharing about a DISABILITY has nothing to do with giving up protection. Yes it’s a vulnerable thing to do, but why does that mean that it’s somehow wrong or bad? Is a person with DID just not allowed to be on the internet then? cause that’s what you’re saying. DID is unpredictable and you cannot turn it off. As long as the person IS a system that IS actively protecting itselves and takes the precautions that great people who fucking talk about their experiences with DID online use, having DID and talking about it has little to no bearing in how the internal system operates any more than anyone else who’s sharing anything personal on the fucking internet. I think strongly, that this is just an excuse to not give a shit about people who have DID and it is a disingenuous statement.

About the addressing alters thing… ehh. Someone was mad that people called their own alters, “alters.” The technical term, which has no bearing on what they themselves choose to call people in their system. And they wanted people to say from now onnn…. People? I think. Which I use interchangeably with the term “alter” depending on how I need to speak about these things. I welcome and love different perspectives of the self and I don’t have a problem with what they want for themselves. The problem that I have with this is that Nobody with DID signed up to use whatever terms on themselves that other people want for themselves when they walk into a room at any given moment. I’m not a therapist

(They still haven’t restored my two posts on there that were removed for some reason by the mods, not because I broke any guidelines or mentioned anyone specifically or anything that would imply that I was but apparently that doesn’t matter over there… *sigh* I did not want to have to talk about it on here, I do not want my posts to just be full of rants and things about DID. It’s just this is SO important

Update; they just completely ignored and refused to put my posts back up and did not respond for another week now after I gave my clear and simple response to their questions of why I posted it. What do they want me to beg like I’m some lost little puppy dog? I didn’t even do anything and they even told me that. lol I’m not going to fucking chase them 😂)

[the-entity-down-the-street]

Trans thoughts:

I know the shitty "I'm mourning my child" spiel all too well. But you know what makes it an extra smack in the face for me?

I grew up suicidal. Like, eight years old, talking about being better off dead. This is obviously due to a shitload of trauma, and then puberty compounded my feelings by slapping a heaping spoonful of what I now know is dysphoria on top of that. My mom, by the way, was fully aware that I was struggling. She knew I was struggling through college, too, between therapy, the death of my grandmother, a part-time job, and keeping up my GPA.

Then I become one of the many quarantine eggs that cracked open in 2020, go on antidepressants after a major suicide attempt, and finally start seeing a future for myself. I get top surgery on my goddamn birthday in 2021, and she's sad about it, because "those are the breasts my mother had, and I have!" Which. Gross possessiveness of my body, mom, but also you're telling on yourself here.

She mourned the child that fought for their will to live and won, because I wasn't living the way she wanted. I can't think of anything that says "this is about my own ego, not my child's wellbing," than that.

[lunar-serpentinite]

have we as a fandom discussed about the possibility of harry finding it difficult to receive love because his formative years was spent almost exclusively around people who either hate him or think the worst of him, and then he is thrust into a world that not only gave him the heaviest of burdens to bear but also "loved" him in that fickle way the public "loves" their celebrities and public figures or am i overthinking things again and mixing up the psychologies of my fave characters from different fandoms

[yourmentalhealthpal]

Exploring different types of trauma disorders: understanding how past experiences can affect our present. Let's learn together and support each other's healing journeys. 💛

[keira-kaz2y5]

Ok so finally found the time to watch episodes 7x02 - 7x04 with my mum. (I’ve already seen them all at least twice, this was her first watch)

The whole episode I was kinda nervous but super excited.

Can I mention again here that she previously did not ship buddie at all, said me and people these days are “always making things gay when they’re not” and said they were “just friends” and the Ravi Buck Eddie sewer call she reiterated this statement saying “see? They’re just good friends” after buck’s clear jealously, which, fair. Yk it can def be seen as friendship�� unless you’re open to the fact characters are allowed to be queer and not stated, and also that he’s been played as bisexual since s1 with sooooo much TEXT and SUBTEXT abt it—

When it finally got to the loft apartment scene I was shocked it had come round so quick (I swear that episode felt longer when I watched it alone), and immediately I felt my heart beating a lot faster in anticipation. At the buck Tommy kiss, to my surprise she reacted by grinning wide smiling like in disbelief and stayed like this until they pulled away and we saw buck’s reaction then she sorta manic laughed at buck’s “that works” I think out of disbelief and shock and amusement at buck’s starstruck reaction, “… Saturday? 🥹🤩”and his joke about fake mouth static.

Then as Tommy was walking out and talking about a date my mum said “that’s gonna make.. Eddie, really… mad.” (She was distracted listening to the rest of the scene and dialog)

😆 so her initial reaction was soooo much better than I’d expected/feared!! (From here it turns into kinda a trauma dump with 911 about I realised I’m so so so repressed.. read at ur own risk lol!)

But then of course I went and fucked it up by getting too excited and blabbing.

(I voice memo recorded this whole scene to get her reaction) she asked me about how “so he’s (buck) saying he thought he was jealous but it wasn’t of Eddie it was of him (Tommy).” And I sorta spiralled saying yeh because that’s how he saw it in that moment because he’s trying to figure out what these new feelings are and who they’re for etc and went down the rabbit hole of Tommy being gay from the start (army, ‘begins’ episodes..) and so on and my mum heard like 4 seconds of this and stood up and collected dishes and stuff and walked away saying I was getting too much into it (fair, my adhd does tend to make me mentally jump subjects fairly quickly in ways it doesn’t make sense to other people)

But she never really has healthy conversations with me about queerness, don’t get me wrong I love my mum and she isn’t like throwing me on the street for saying I’m bisexual, but she also isn’t exactly having healthy conversations about it with me either. She prefers to avoid the conversation a lot and stay silent about it, so the repression is real and tbh I didn’t even realise how repressed I was until about 3rd December 2023 I saw a picture of two women kissing and I fully went “oh shit I’m bisexual, I almost forgot I liked women”. Yeh. The repression is so real.

I then went on a Pinterest spiral downloading women photos and made an album on photos app to put it all in so that I had that place to go to and look and I would never be so repressed that I forgot again. I have since been much happier and more queer and open within myself

(For reference this is the picture)

(This is the photo album - not my photos, all from Pinterest)

(Note: I am a teenage girl)

And the only other time I realised I was repressing it, was on holiday with my auntie that I see like once a year, when she teased me about a girl I’d spoken to from a street vender thing and I realised that “oh this is normal” like, families should tease me and be comfortable about it. (Although they don’t tease me about boys much either so..)

Because my family never feel so open about my sexuality to be that comfortable. Whenever the subject comes up it turns into almost an argument because they think I only think I’m gay because I hung out with two lgbt girls for 3, 4 years and they were my only close friends.

Apparently the gay is contagious 🤣

My Nan is homophobic, she’s “of a different generation” apparently and can’t change. She’s not super bad about it but does make comments like “it’s wrong” so I never really talk about it. My brother had the “my friend is gay so i can’t be homophobic” mentality, and also believes like my mum that im only bisexual because of my old friends.

But fr they don’t say it’s a phase specifically but they sort of play it off like one saying I only “think that” because of them (my friends at the time — who I’m not even friends with anymore)

And one time watching the hen and Karen begins episode with the nasa lab explosion- when we get that make out scene between them, my mum laughed and said she was uncomfortable because it just looked “unnatural” and I know she said this because they were a bit fumbly in the scene, knocking things over and kicking off shoes and both plus sized women, but that reaction has just stuck with me since. Because it’s still a beautiful moment and yes they look different to typical people making out but it’s still sexy and a vibe but also I am a plus sized woman, so yes that could be my future. Another time before this when there were some HenRen scenes in bed my mum said to me “is that what you wanna do, cuddle up to some woman in bed like that 🤨” and I was sooo unprepared for that question and sorta went ‘uh yeh no yeh but not like them two because Hen isn’t my type yk but yes’ and she went 🧐 hm ok 🤷‍♀️

These things have stuck with me

And also when I had a therapist last year the one time I mentioned being bisexual and she that’s something we should talk about I completely shut her down and said it’s fine nothing to talk about and looking back… man I was repressed. Like dayum.

And now I realise I have so much to say.

And the tipping point for all this, is the bi Buck canon, of course. Only 3 days ago but feels like a lifetime already, just the portrayal and the delivery and perfection and sentiment of it all hits so hard, especially the fan reactions, but also actor and director and journalist reactions and everything Tim has had to say on it including Oliver and Ryan interviews. And it’s made me so emotional about it all, I can’t even express how genuinely happy to my core i was the first 2 days every second, and I was dancing around my kitchen, grinning every 3 minutes when I remembered… it was bliss. I felt so seen and happy and loved, appreciated and respected and represented. It’s unreal. Especially the joy and care Oliver has given this.. i can’t explain. It’s so validating.

Within myself I feel much more at peace, and I have realised that in fact I was repressed, and still kinda am.

So bringing it back to the start was that after watching this with my mum I tried to express to her how much this means and the backstory and what’s going on online about it with the directors and actors and everything but I hardly even said a thing and she kept saying how “it’s just a show” “it’s 9-1-1!” “You’re getting too much into this/too attached” even when I tried explaining how queer storylines is something we have to search for to watch in media, and how this will change media from now on and the representation.. she kept walking away, trying to change the subject and invalidating it all saying stuff like

“it’s just a series! You act like it’s a real person!” “You do, you get carried away with it.” “Ok Keira 🙄��‍♀️.. yeh! You’re just getting a little far-fucking-fetched” “right… Keira.” “It’s just a show!” Me: “It’s more than a show.” “In your head it is.” “You’re just going on”

Bear in mind I wasn’t actually going into depth, I was stating how this is a big thing and said literally what I’ve written here, like this is 30 seconds of me talking. Because I wanted to have a healthy conversation about it all, but clearly it didn’t work and i should’ve just been happy with the smile reaction and left it at that.

I tried directly pointing out the problem, too, saying that she never wants to have a healthy conversation with me about it all, to which she replied the “it’s just a show/you’re getting too much into it” part and when I addressed that this family is slightly a little bit homophobic but none of them will admit it she was laughing and going “it’s 9-1-1! It’s 9-1-1!” “(I) make it out into some big drama” (I wasn’t raising my voice or anything I just wanted to have a conversation about it with her, she was the one raising her pitch) and how I’m “just taking it all to another level!” Me:‘Because it is at another level, this is so huge for the industry and the queer community’ “oh god, Keira.. you make such big dramas out of it,” (me literally not being dramatic at all, just wanting a nice discussion about this and both the reactions of fans/non-fans/people, how it’s done so well—compared to other storylines and shows— and the impact this will have on so many things) my mum:… “you always twist me to make it out that I’m some horrible person” to which I responded “well no, because you’re not but you could be more healthy about it, you always laugh it off or change/avoid the subject” (me talking about queerness in general, not 9-1-1, to which she replied) “nanna gets like this over Coronation Street! And I just don’t understand! It’s just a show.”

These quotes she said are direct because I audio recorded everything. Probably not in the right order bc the explanation is a little messy what can I say it’s adhd like I said 💅😵‍💫🤷‍♀️😅

Yeh so I guess this is turning into some Reddit thing like AITA am I the asshole for wanting a healthy conversation and for my family to be more comfortable about queerness in general as well as my own (bi)sexuality but also it’s just me expressing how tonight went to anyone who’s stayed to read this. Maybe I should go back into therapy. It’s just my old therapist I never really told her the deep things but also finding someone new that works with me is expensive and exhausting. So it’s been a hard night but I will still rewatch the scene to find happiness in it all again. I just want to wait until I’ve slept it off so I can be fresh and remember the happiness and validity I felt on friday & sat

[sunlit-skycat]

Four years back, I was sexually harassed for a couple of months straight by someone I previously knew. This ended up being a lasting trauma that has changed how I approach a lot of interpersonal interaction. Even now, I'm not quite as comfortable proceeding with relationships as I could be because of that experience.

This guy's face has turned into a mild trigger for me. The problem is, he's not the only person who looks like that. My roommate's boyfriend looks sort of similar, and so does a child actor in a recurring local PSA. A bunch of mixed race people just happen to have facial features like that because of the way that their parents' genes combined.

It would be completely unreasonable to demand that my roommate stop dating her boyfriend because he has some hair color, eye color, and facial structure that matches someone who sexually harassed me nearly half a decade ago. That's my problem to get over, not his, and definitely not hers.

And, for the record, a good number of people giving me emotional support after the sexual harassment were cis men or trans people. It was a woman who had the material power to remove the harasser from our shared community, who saw nothing wrong with his behavior despite the documentation I provided, and decided he was perfectly fit to stay. The people who will act as allies on this aren't split cleanly along gendered lines.

you know i think i’ve come to the conclusion that the answer to “but what if a cis woman is traumatized by men/male presenting people/whatever?” irt safe spaces is this: if you can’t be in the same room with someone you assume to be male or a man without feeling triggered, it probably means you have a lot more solo therapy and healing to do before relying on group therapy or other communal healing.

because how do you decide who gets to stay and who gets kicked out based on a cis woman’s trauma response? is it based on appearance? should intersex women with facial hair not be allowed because beards are triggering? should butches and studs not be allowed because masculinity is triggering? should tall broad shouldered trans women who don’t want to voice train not be allowed because low voices are triggering? is it based on identity? should a pre transition trans man who came out two days ago not be allowed because he’s a man? is a nonbinary person with a full beard and deep voice allowed because they are not a man?

because if you base your entire set of rules for who’s not allowed in the safe space on what makes cis women uncomfortable or triggers them, you’ve just made that space unsafe for trans people. and you need to decide if you’re ready to own that.

[badicebreakers]

I watched this video, and you should too. Some comments are wild.

The topic of suic!de and feelings about death have always interested me. I was feeling frisky and posted a trauma dump comment on this video

“I think, like many that struggle, we view de@th as this beautiful end. Whether you hope for pure endless darkness and nothingness, reincarnation, heaven or any other belief, de@th will be the end of all the pain and suffering. This exactly why I can't wait to d!e, but also why I won't commit. The way I see it, suic!de is a cowards way of thinking, and it is selfish. De@th causes more pain than love, but suic!de causes people to point fingers. I'm seeing it as I read some of the hate comments towards this dad. Blaming the parents for not providing or loving them enough, or some other bull reason.”

What do you think of suic!de?

[systemserendipity]

We find it *so* hard sometimes to write about our experiences, because we fear. So many different things.

Retaliation from our abusers, or their connections. Slipping back into a traumatized state. And so much more.

Anybody else? Thanks.

[onlyactivewhenexhausted]

Over the years I've noticed my ptsd dreams following the stages of grief, right now I seem to be in bargaining send help

[i-d-e-g-a-f]

something my mom said that i think a lot about was when we were talking about my friend at the time and his older sister who moved really far away for college. i said it must be hard for her mom since her child is leaving. she said it’d be a lot harder if her son, my friend, were to move away for college instead of his sister.

and i was confused as to what she meant. why? she said mothers love their sons more. she didn’t say it in those words, of course. she said it in words that hid the ugliness of what she meant. “moms have a unique affection for their sons that they don’t have for daughters.” “moms become more attached to their sons.” “moms, by nature, like to dote on their sons.”

something like that.

i can’t remember exactly what she said. but i can remember what she meant. it’s easier to love sons. sons are carefree in a way daughters aren’t allowed to be. sons are a joy. daughters are a chore. sons are childlike. daughters are mature. when a son is being immature, he is acting his age. when a daughter is acting her age, she is being immature. sons are sincere. earnest. genuine. innocent. sons don’t have ulterior motives. sons don’t know better. daughters are manipulative. malicious. vindictive. spiteful. because daughters know better. sons deserve the benefit of the doubt. daughters don’t.

a son is lovable. a daughter is the risk you take when you want a son.

it’s been 8 years since that conversation with my mother happened. i’m her only child. her only daughter.

[shockissheep]

CW Rape mention Long post

//////

Been seeing people getting comfortable with joking about rape on here because "oh haha it's cute because it's so traumacore and sexy/how we process." But, like, as somebody who's actually been drugged and raped maybe don't publicly joke about that kind of thing so people like me aren't forced to relive their traumas thanks. Or at the very least tag your shit so it doesn't show up on my feed. A further appeal under the Read More

Had a person I used to talk to just casually do that on here and, needless to say, I don't feel like I can trust them anymore. Listen, I'm not about respectability or optics at all. Hell I've worked as a Dominatrix and frequented dungeons before having to live off disability, just about anybody who knows me can tell you that. I'm not aiming to push some kind of puritanical ideal. But at least be considerate of people who have been hurt. I do not care how cute or coy you think you're being or even that you think it's okay because you've also gone through it. Think of the others who are still healing and working through the trauma. This genuinely isn't even a point that people try to make like, "think of the children," or, "no kink at pride" or even, "queer is a slur," or whatever other conservative/antiLGBT+ talking point dressed up as a false concern would be. When you so carelessly joke about something that causes actual harm to vulnerable people in places full of people who are already hurt you are showing me you don't give a shit about the people communities that still need protecting. Also come on, joking about rape? Are we washed up stand-up comedians now? Have some fucking sense. Again, at the very least, tag your shit.

This extends even further into spaces you invite people into like servers. Let people at least know ahead of time what they're going to be exposed to before they let their guard down and are confronted with their traumas being dressed up as sexual roleplay/jokes. It's not right for anybody to have to go through that just because you think it's no big deal. Hell, every dungeon I've ever been to has a list of what to expect and what they do/do not allow. "Do whatever you want" should never come at the expense of hurting people who are already trying to heal.