#survivors of abuse talk

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[axolotlclown]

We need to remember that Shubble stated that Wilbur would manipulate and gaslight friends and family. With this, we must be patient with streamers that were close to Wilbur. This was likely surprising and shocking for them. They may need time to come to terms with what has happened.

I have been vocal about how important it is for men to be critical about abusive behaviors. However, Wilbur had many close friends—some would even consider him family—and now they may feel they hardly knew him at all.

There is a deep stress felt by viewers. It is difficult to think we have given any amount of time or money to an abuser. Could you imagine a close friend right now? The pain and betrayal must sear. They need time to understand what has happened and come to terms with it. Many of them may not be live in the coming days (weeks even).

That being said, as time passes, criticism may be necessary. Complacency is not an option. Men that are willing to ignore abuse to protect an abuser are just as pathetic as the abusers themselves.

Let's give this situation time to breathe. I ask that we give patience and courtesy to those close to Wilbur at this time. But please do not forget that this happened. There may be a few streamers hoping to lay low and then drop a collab in a few months. Do not let them. This is too important.

[69constellationsinatrenchcoat]

Not to make anyone worry, but saying you're a CDD system can make you a target for abusers and bullying.

By stating you're a system

You're disclosing that you went through debilitating trauma at a young age

You're disclosing that you may act like a young child in certain situations, and that child may not know, or understand certain acts

You disassociate to a level where we do not know what was done by/to the collective body

You're telling people that you may have patches of amnesia, disorientation, and where you may split under pressure

Many systems have issues with self harm, suicidal thoughts, substance use disorders and unfortunately, many abusers will take advantage of this

Systems, due to their amnesiac nature, are very easy to gaslight, often by saying that a different part/alter did or didn't do something

But Kyle! What can I do about it?!?

Choose, very carefully, who you tell that you have a system. We try not to tell new people in our life until we're fully trusting that they won't take advantage of the knowledge of the system. Even then, we can count on one hand how many of our in person friends and family are aware of our system.

Avoid linking social media, this includes discord, where you are 'out' about your system to other social media, especially around workplaces. Some workplaces, schools, universities and other places still hold stigma around DID (thank you, Split /s).

Be careful what you tell people about your system: keeping alter counts private, not giving out certain alter's names, using pseudonyms/symbols for alters are some of the ways we've done this. If someone we don't want to know about the system asks about an alter name, the majority of the time, we'll say that they're an OC.

Most people don't know what DID and OSDD are unless they have been in certain circles or happen to have an interest in it, so you are usually safe… but I always air on the side of caution.

Do what you wish with this list, I wanted to put these thoughts out there. Stay safe, feel free to reblog with more ways you keep your system safe.

Drink water, have something to eat, have your meds if you need them, use your mobility aids if you need them, and do something nice for yourself today.

With love,

System Dad (Kyle / 💜)

[jaylaraye47]

don’t ever tell a male SA survivor; “You’re supposed to enjoy it”

don’t ever tell a male SA survivor; "good game/job"

don’t ever tell a male SA survivor; “You’re a boy, you can’t get raped.”

don’t ever tell a male SA survivor; “that doesn’t count.”

don’t ever tell an SA survivor; “What were you wearing?”

don’t ever tell an SA survivor; “Did you close your legs?”

don’t ever tell an SA survivor; “They’re family, they wouldn’t do that.”

don’t ever tell a SA survivor; “I don’t believe you.”

don’t ever tell a SA survivor; “I know them, they wouldn’t do that.”

don’t ever tell a SA survivor; “You’re supposed to enjoy it.”

don’t ever tell a SA survivor; “We’re you leading them on?”

don’t ever tell a SA survivor; “We’re you rude?”

don’t ever tell a SA survivor; “You’re an adult, toughen up.”

don’t ever tell a SA survivor; “it doesn’t count.”

don’t ever tell a SA survivor; “it’s your fault.”

don’t ever tell a DA/GA survivor; “but you don’t act like it.”

don’t ever tell a DA/GA survivor; “But they seem so nice.”

don’t ever tell a DA/GA survivor; “They’d never do that.”

don’t ever tell a DA/GA survivor; “She’s a girl, girl’s don’t abuse.”

don’t ever tell a male DA/GA survivor; “Boys can’t be abused.”

don’t ever tell a DA/GA survivor; “But you have no scars.”

don’t ever tell a DA/GA survivor; “You’re just making things up for attention.”

don’t ever tell a DA/GA survivor; “you should’ve just fought/yelled back.”

don’t ever tell a DA/GA survivor; “It’s your fault.”

don’t ever tell an attempt survivor; “that’s selfish of you.”

don’t ever tell an attempt survivor; “I’ve had it worse/i know someone who has it worse.”

don’t ever tell an attempt survivor; “that doesn’t sound like an attempt.”

don’t ever tell a POC; “you’d be way prettier with lighter skin.”

don’t ever tell a POC; “but you don’t look american?”

don’t ever tell a POC; “you should try skin bleaching.”

don’t ever tell a POC; “oh, are you in a gang or something?”

don’t ever tell a POC; “but your skin is so light, you can’t be colored.”

don’t ever tell a POC; “can you give me the N word pass?”

don’t ever tell a POC; “your hair is distracting”

don’t ever tell a POC; “go back to where you came from.” [whoever says this, i live in your walls]

don’t ever tell an albino; “you’re white, not black.”

don’t ever tell an albino; “so are one of your parent white or something?”

don’t ever tell an albino; “you’d be prettier if you were normal.”

don’t ever tell an albino; “oh has anyone tired talking you limbs or something” [i will hunt whoever says this]

don’t ever tell a child; “you should take care of your siblings.”

don’t ever tell a child; “he hits you/is being rude because he likes you”

don’t ever tell a child; “you have to hug them!”

don’t ever tell a child; “it’s your fault we’re divorcing”

don’t ever tell a child; “you’re too old to be doing this.”

don’t ever tell a child of divorced parents; “it’s your fault”

don’t ever tell a child of divorced parents; “pick a side”

don’t ever tell a child of divorced parents; “did you ever consider that you should’ve stepped in?”

don’t ever tell a child of divorced parents; “well if they never got together in the first place, they wouldn’t have had you”

you never know what a person is going through and don’t you dare shame a person for something they can’t control.

if you say any of these things you’re disgusting and you need to not only get educated but stop being a dick.

keep in mind that i am aware that these prompts don’t apply to everyone of a certain minority. But this is me teaching to simply be kind and pay respect and mind to a person’s experiences, minority, etc. there are multiple prompts that can be added but I will refrain to using those out of respect, and also due to censorship.

[midnight-soulless-system]

Btw if you believe that prisons should be abolished and criminals should be treated with respect, you should also include offending pedophiles, zoophiles, and people who have done hate crimes, people who have torture others, etc.

[scintillatingshortgirl19]

i am begging one single person in this entire show to consider, for perhaps one single second, THE POSSIBILITY THAT THERE IS A REASON HOUSE HATES HIS DAD THIS MUCH

[wizardsix]

just saw people on twt getting mad that gale said a literal god wasn't good enough for him . i need people to understand that he didn't mean it like "I deserved more than a literal goddess" he meant that his actions were foolish and made it LOOK like he thought himself above one. that he should've been content with what he had, but felt he had to prove himself to her.

if you romance him he literally realizes that he didn't need to find validation in a god but within someone who understands humanity more than a god ever could.

please learn reading comprehension before making yourselves look stupid I'm so tired of this

[uncanny-tranny]

The idea that children are inherently duplicitous, manipulative liars is genuinely doing harm to children and further obfuscates when genuine harm/abuse is occurring because, "what can the adults do, children are demons!"

The idea that children have divine knowledge that transcends adults' own knowledge and they use that knowledge for personal gain is, simply-put, abuse apologism. You are aiding and abetting abusive behaviour from adults, parents/guardians, medical professionals, whomever it might be.

[akirathedramaqueen]

You know what I love about this show so much?

The kindness. The understanding. The redemption.

And that's in the setting of fucking Hell. The irony.

The characters are deeply flawed. They make a lot of mistakes. They fuck up even trying to fix things.

But they are trying. They have a lot of virtues, too, even though they don't see them themselves. They slowly but surely process their problems. They work around their trauma and the conditions they were raised in, deeply affected by it, hurting but still powering through, learning, and developing.

Although we are far from the end of these characters' journey, the SpindleHorse team does an amazing job of making these characters sympathetic, believable, and real. They give you the information and the opportunity to understand how complicated things are, how both sides of the conflict can be understood and blamed at the same time.

And the main thing? The forgiveness and redemption. You want these characters to do better, to be better, of course. But you also want them to be loved, despite the fact that what they did was obviously wrong.

You, as the viewer, already forgive them, and you just want them to forgive themselves. To allow themselves to be loved.

When I watched the show and saw them making the same mistakes I did, some horrible things I wouldn’t forgive myself for and struggled with for years, I suddenly understood the struggle. I empathized with them. I wanted to give them a hug. I wanted to comfort them and promise that things would get better and encourage them to give it one more try, one more talk. I wanted to scold them for self-loathing because I know all too well the kinds of dark places it can lead you to sometimes.

And then the thought comes to mind, "Can I afford a bit of this empathy for myself too? Just allow myself to live with the fuckup and allow myself to be human?"

It didn't fix me. But it eased my turmoil and taught me to understand it better. It taught me some empathy, too, and I thought I was the one with the emotional ingelligence of a nightstand. Well, I still kinda am, but at least I learned to listen to people sometimes.

I just want to thank the whole team who worked on Helluva Boss for all the self-reflections I experienced with their creation.

Thank you.

[sickness-stricken]

If you look up what the woman who the Last Great American Dynasty is about and what she did with her mentally ill daighter....

Swift has a really dodgy history with mental health and abliesm

Okay so I did some digging and just a general trigger warning for talks of sui (in pretty gorey detail might I add) because holy shit

For context, The Last Great American Dynasty is about a debutante named Rebekah Harkness. Edith was her daughter.

This is an excerpt from quite an old article, around 1988, but the fact they labelled a young woman clearly struggling as a “failed sui****” is fucking horrendous Jesus Christ

Hey Taylor, you wanna talk about being raised in an asylum while living in a mansion? A mansion YOU now own, just to clarify? Edith would be a good place to start.

[coockie8]

I don't know if I've mentioned it on here before, but I've mentioned it elsewhere, that I probably wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship, romantic or otherwise, with an anti. Whether they're the feral ''kys'' type anti or not.

A lot of people seem to misinterpret that as me letting pointless fandom drama control my relationships, but that's genuinely not the reality. Fictional squicks are not the issue here; the treating fictional anything like it's comparable to my lived trauma is, and that is a thing that all antis do.

I don't care if lolicon and incest fiction makes you uncomfortable, you are allowed to be uncomfortable, but the reality is this shit is fiction, and fiction is not the same as 13-17 year old me getting sexually assaulted by multiple different adults on multiple different occasions.

I simply would not be able to maintain a relationship of any kind with someone who thinks a fucking drawing is in any way comparable to what those men did to me!

[meredithbeckham]

when you grew up like we did, it… it impacts how you see the world. everything is filtered through a very specific lens. and ward got that.

i think it’s important to realize you can miss something, but not want it back, paulo coelho.

[painfullyprickedandticked]

remember stolitz nation that in an alternate universe we're crying over verosika and stella's breakup and apology tour

[69constellationsinatrenchcoat]

Thought of the evening: I would never have chosen DID; and I simply don't understand anyone who wish to have multiple personalities...

I haven't been aware of my life for the last few months, and I despise how out of control my life feels. I do not remember most of my life; those memories live with my alters but I (now) love them with my whole heart.

I would have rather I never ended up this way. We never wanted to be a system, and none of us would wish this on anyone.

However, I am glad I didn't have to go through those things alone. I'm grateful my mind put up barriers, so I don't have to live every day re-experiencing and remembering those things I've read of in my system's journal entries. I'm glad our mind kept us safe, I'm glad we did our best at the time.

I'm grateful that I had them when I did. I'm grateful I had someone watching out for us even when I didn't realise it. I'm grateful for the system who kept me as safe as they could. I'm glad I had them with me.

I love my brain for making me a family...

but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

“I am the sum of my parts, and my parts are absolutely phenomenal.” - Jeni Haynes in her memoir The Girl in the Green Dress speaking on DID/MPD

~ host

[foundfamilywhump]

i get where ur coming from but i feel like “carewhumper” does just designate a specific type of abuse. my understanding is that a lot of real life abuse does encapsulate cycles of cruelty and kindness but whump is not a 1:1 w real abuse and so the cruelty tends to be exaggerated and constant. which is why it might be useful to have a distinction between purely sadistic and harmful whumpers w ones who seem to contradict that role and show some form of affection or intimacy. i think this meta is very interesting though id be interested in the other people who voted “no” in that poll and i appreciate ur commentary 🤔 do you think its actually dangerous?

i'm gonna start by providing some context about my relationship to these terms: to my understanding, words like 'whumper/caretaker/whumpee' are situational shorthand that describe a character's role in the scene or story being told. they are not all-encompassing, all-descriptive, and prescriptive of every action a character referred to this way takes. i do not know where the idea that they are supposed to be flat, reductive, 'this word means this character is All Good Or All Bad All The Time and they behave x way 100% of the time' came from, and i do not agree with it. that's not how i use those words, and it's not how i've ever perceived the intent of those words to function in the broader whump community.

that said, here's why i don't think 'carewhumper' is a distinction between 'purely sadistic and harmful whumpers with ones who seem to contradict that role and show some form of affection or intimacy', at least not the way i use these words, and why it's not a word that i will ever use or like. and why i think it's not necessarily dangerous per se - that's a strong word - but it is something i think plays into some harmful societal narratives about abuse and abusers.

you're right that whump isn't a 1:1 with real life abuse, and i definitely am not operating under the impression that it is or should be! there are a lot of extremes in whump, that's very true. but it's also true that the extremes aren't the only thing that exist, and they aren't the like. default setting of what 'whump' or a 'whumper' is. they might be to some! but i don't think that's the default for everyone, or even the majority. and i don't think a whumper behaving kindly sometimes makes them... not a whumper anymore. the way that 'carewhumper' as a term implies.

there are a lot of issues in real life about people thinking ‘oh so and so would never abuse anyone, they’re so kind’ or pointing out that an abuser cared for you when you were sick or something so it couldn’t have been ALL bad. abusers themselves point to their acts of kindness and care to confuse victims and excuse their behaviour. oh you can't cut that person out, what about all they did for you. oh you can't throw away your family/relationship, what about the good times. etc. they weren't All Bad. they didn't intend to hurt you, their intentions were good. these are things real life abuse victims, myself included, deal with on a daily basis.

obviously fiction is not responsible for this, but it can play into it. and when the term carewhumper comes up it really feels to me like something taking a really flattened, reductive concept of a whumper (who is bad and cruel all the time forever and intends to be) and a caretaker (who is good and kind all the time forever and intends to be) and saying ooooo what if it were ~more complicated and nuanced. when like… there are posts about intimate whumpers, manipulative whumpers, whumpers who show kindness, all the time. they don’t need a special word to contain that sort of variation. they all follow a common format of '[adjective] whumper' to denote a specific subtype of whumper. 'carewhumper' not only bucks the trend of how specific subtypes of whumpers are designated, but it combines that with another specific role that is not the whumper, as if to imply 'oh but they're not a whumper. they're Something Else. because they're nice sometimes. or they didn't mean to hurt someone on purpose (as if that is at all relevant to whether or not they did)'

and I don’t think it’s true at all that ‘whumper’ is generally accepted to mean someone who is only violent all the time. whump ISNT a 1:1 with real abuse but the way it’s discussed can mirror that, and saying that the presence of care or affection somehow moves a character into a category that isn’t a ‘pure’ or ‘total’ whumper but instead is something else - something mixed with a role that is shorthand for a positive, caring presence, not interpersonally and diagetically but narratively - makes me personally very uncomfortable as an abuse survivor in the whump community. it's mixing the roles of caretaker and whumper in a whump narrative when those roles are, BROADLY SPEAKING, meant to convey 'this is the person causing active harm' and 'this is the person whose presence is meant to contradict/combat that harm and promote healing and safety'.

caretakers can fuck up. caretakers can be complex and nuanced and angry and imperfect and busy and tired etc etc etc. that doesn't somehow make them not caretakers, though i know there are a bunch of people who for some reason insist the mere act of calling a character a caretaker is somehow reductive and dehumanizing and making their whole existence revolve around the whumpee. falling again into the idea that these words are meant to be concrete intrinsic character Types and not a situational shorthand for a role they are fulfilling in a specific story so that you don't have to explain in every single generic post who tf this person is. caretakers being imperfect or not all helpful or all good all the time doesn't make them not caretakers or not a positive force in the story. the same is true for whumpers. someone who punches you in the nose and then cleans up the blood and tucks you into bed is not somehow less violent and cruel than someone who stops at punching you in the nose, and implying that they are or that their acts of care somehow meaningfully dilute their violence and cruelty is deeply, deeply troubling to me. 'whumper' is not a nuanceless term unless you make it one and i don't know why you'd want to make it one.

and 'carewhumper' to me is not describing the complicated feelings a whumpee might have to a whumper who displayed kindness, either. because these words are not referring to diagetic interpersonal relationships. they describe an external meta-narrative role that a character is fulfilling within the perspective of the story being told. a whumpee having complex feelings about a whumper doesn't mean they aren't a whumper anymore.

there are plenty of posts around about whumpees feeling complex things about whumpers - missing them, loving them, trusting them, being devoted to them, etc. the ‘carewhumper’ thing is just to me at best superfluous and annoying to the part of my brain that is like. that’s just a whumper with a particular type of tactic and there’s no special word for any OTHER kind (captivitywhumper? superwhumper? etc?). and at worse it’s actively conveying the message that ‘if someone is sometimes not completely violent and cruel 100% of the time then what they’re doing isn’t actually As Bad and they’re not - NARRATIVELY SPEAKING - the Bad Guy. they’re ~nuanced and complex. as if everyone isn’t. as if that can undo the harm they did.

again, im not the cops im not anyone's mom. i hope i dont come off sounding aggressive or like im trying to police what anyone is writing about. i don't judge anyone writing dark things or writing about common abuse dynamics - me of all people lmao. i am 38k into a fic right now about rape and abuse that is pretty graphic and deeply deeply upsetting and triggering. but what i do care about is the way that these things are talked about. i do think it matters when these implications are popularized uncritically, and i think that 'carewhumper' is not a good term, especially if people are intending to merely convey a type of whumper and not a character who isn't 'wholly' a whumper at all. if that's what people mean, i would suggest affectionate whumper, intimate whumper, manipulative whumper, etc. something that aligns with other language commonly used to refer to specific subtypes of whumper rather than directly implying a different category of role altogether, and one that mixes that role with something that is generally accepted to be positive/good.

[lastoneout]

I'm genuinely convinced the thought process goes:

> people who abuse children are horrible, irredeemable monsters who deserve to have their human rights stripped away and burn in hell for all eternity, no good person would ever hurt a child

> *tons of scientific evidence comes out showing that hitting your kids is basically abuse and does immense harm with absolutely no good to balance it out and in the worst cases it leaves lasting psychological damage those kids carry for life*

> but wait...my parents spanked me as punishment, but they aren't horrible evil people who deserve to die! I love my parents and they loved me, they're good people and good people would never hurt a child, and I surely don't have issues as a result of being hit, so that must mean hitting your kids isn't abusive

> the cycle continues, nothing changes, kids keep getting hit

and like I get it, I get it, but I just want to grab these people and be like "welcome to the complex reality most actual abuse survivors have to contend with every single day of our lives, it sucks, but since I've been through it I can give you the answer I had to work out over years of therapy for free; you are still allowed to love--and even FORGIVE--people who hurt you"