#abuse apologia

[aronarchy]

https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/william-gillis-one-giant-red-flag-folded-into-a-book

So much abuse is about trapping and monopolizing the target’s attention, feeling entitled to claim a chunk of their brain. The experience of being abused is often one of being forced into thinking about the abuser constantly, from trying to predict their acts to trying to follow the latest tangle in their proclamations. Abuse strips away agency by stripping away the capacity for the abused to think for yourself, to think about anything else or think at all. If the abuser controls critical needs then everything is devoted to trying to turn yourself into a complex key that can unlock those needs. If the abuser besieges and terrorizes you randomly, you form your brain into a vast prediction net, trying to preempt as best you can every single avenue by which they might strike. Or you huddle up and turn yourself off, turn your brain off, to try and weather through things like an inert object. All of these are about losing your capacity for agency in a way that extends beyond any physical constraints directly imposed upon you. Abuse takes over your brain.

Sometimes the abuser acts so as to not have to think about you, to terrorize you into smallness and confined predictability, but sometimes the abuser is themselves driven by their own ravenous attention on you and the need to make you dedicate that same level of attention to them. This sort of abuser is never more happy than when their provocations force you into direct immediate raw unthought emotional tangles with them. They yell and yell until you finally yell back, and then they grin in glee because they have you. Neither abuser can stand your escape to any degree, which they read as a direct assault on them.

There are many aspects of abuse, but abusers feel entitled to your attention.

I can’t emphasize this enough. Demanding that an ex listen to you, mobilizing The Community to force that ex to give you a monopoly over their brain is an abuser’s wet dream. It’s how thousands of accountability processes have derailed into an abuser continuously retraumatizing their survivor.

Schulman, it must be emphasized, has no argument for why we should be obligated to give away our attention to anyone who wants it. What she has instead is 1) a fixation on pain and suffering of those denied control over the attention of their targets, and 2) the repeated assertion that having no boundaries is “adult” whereas saying no is “childish.” Mature adults talk things out in person, only immature children—or those so traumatized and broken as to be infantile children—would draw a line around their attention and enforce it.

“In another example from other people’s lives, sometimes angry, supremacist, or traumatized people send emails commanding, ‘Do not contact me.’ I want to state here, for the record, that no one is obligated to obey a unidirectional order that has not been discussed. Negotiation is a human responsibility. Little children order their parents around: ‘Mommy, sit there!’ When adults give orders while hiding behind technology, they are behaving illegitimately. These unilateral orders do not have to be obeyed. They need to be discussed.”

It would be trivial to compose a little passage reversing the associations, casting knowing how to draw boundaries and assert one’s independence and agency as the “mature adult” position whereas being caught under the boot of others’ demands to the point where you can’t own your own associations or attention as the “child” experience. But I want to reject the entire adult supremacist frame she’s appealing to.

If the child often stomps their feet and declares “no”—no, I refuse to give uncle a kiss, no, I refuse to get dressed to be your marionette at an event, no, I refuse to listen to your lecturing—perhaps we should see that as an inspiring site of resistance by those most oppressed before they are ground down. Perhaps we should endeavor to be more like children desperately trying to assert their autonomy and consent as agents who get to choose. Certainly the world “adults” have built and perpetuated by beating each new generation into surrender is a clearly sickening and grotesque one.

Even though I personally have made choices to maintain some level of contact, I vehemently support every abused child who walked away from their parents and never answered their calls ever again. Hell, I support children who killed their abusers. You do not owe everyone a path for reconciliation and negotiation. From abusers to even just wingnuts and inane time burglars, the best option is sometimes to just walk away forever. We have limited time on this planet, why spend it trying to repair every single relationship you have so far happened into?

Schulman somehow cannot even fathom goals other than the maintenance of existing relationships.

“Refusing to speak to someone without terms for repair is a strange, childish act of destruction in which nothing can be won.”

Liberation can be won. There’s a world of possibility beyond the confines of one given relationship. Opportunity cost is a real thing that is worth considering. That nothing is gained in one specific relationship by walking away doesn’t mean that a world of possibilities can’t be gained through the absence and negation of that relationship.

[dyspunktional-leviathan]

Our blessed toxic yaoi vs their barbarous abusive shipping

Btw Intermission fandom this is still directly aimed at you and your trademark "character A has total power over character B and constantly nonconsensually harms them But they also get some damage from it all and B is attracted to them so it's not abuse, and if you ship abuse you should die"

I think I'm even done mulling over how I had not talked about this earlier or about making a huge post about it

And so very very much aimed at everyone else this applies to

And to make this clear

I support shipping abuse

Shipping abuse does not affect victims of abuse

Insisting that fictional abuse is not abuse does

[bonefall]

God I am so tired of Bramble fans who refuse to use critical thinking and believe that brambleclaw and squilf are equally bad. Many also hate on moonkitti's video which they most likely haven't even watched or misconstrued points in it. You can like a character without defending all their actions please I'm begging you

And people will sometimes jump to their defense, saying that people just dogpiled them for liking a character the fandom doesn't like, and while that can happen, sometimes people are actually dogpiling them for ignoring abuse and insulting creators with different opinions

(Some discourse happened on Twitter recently about this but it's something I've seen happen before, I'm not specifically talking about anyone)

I'm going to be honest and drop my feelings.

Never have I ever actually SEEN a Bramblefan "get dogpiled" for liking Bramble.

I come out here on my massive soapbox every couple of weeks and drop whole essays on this guy, I chat casually about how important he is to me as a character, both as someone who was abused in a way similar to Squirrelflight AND as someone who can relate to Bramblestar's situation, and before BB got so large and my attention was easier to divide I even ran an AU called Sweet Nothings which had a "big brother" Bramble take in it.

There is no shortage of Bramblestar-related posts around here, yet, I have never, NEVER gotten shit for when I talk positively about Bramble.

In fact, he's commonly cited as one of the favorite cats to see on this blog from my audience. I get praise for addressing him with nuance, explaining how his actions are abuse while also keeping him human, talking about how his life is a painful cycle of self-doubt that makes him double down on his worst decisions. Every time I post about him, I get an influx of comments centered around how my takes on him are appreciated.

What I DO see is people who make art where they try to bothsides him and Squirrelflight, or say something completely false about his behavior, or straightup post DARVO tactics to defend their fav's honor. When someone makes a comment that goes "uhmm? Bit strange innit?" they call it "harassment." Or when people block them, they call that "receiving hate."

OR when someone makes a vaguepost like "Heyyy, DARVO is an abuse denial tactic where the abuser or their apologists Deny the abuse took place, Attack the accuser, and then Reverse Victim and Offender to claim they were actually the person harmed. Bramblestans are playing this out, step for step, and that's bad!" they call THAT dogpiling.

Meanwhile Moonkitti got death threats and was actually harassed for posting Bramblestar Is Worse. To the point where she is hesitant to ever make another video on the topic.

So y'know what? Hot take? The stans don't actually like Bramblestar. They like the vague idea of a sadboy character who broke free from his dad's legacy so they slurp up the framing of the notorious abuse apologist writers, and they get mad when people who have critically engaged with the books don't see what they desperately crave.

How can you really LIKE a character if you can't engage with their actions? If you need to surround yourself in an unpoppable bubble and can't accept anything he's done in the 20+ years he's been active? How can you truly love a man without all his mistakes?

It's sooo hard to be me, Tumblr User Bonefall, the ONLY one who likes Bramblestar correctly. It's rough out here.

[hussyknee]

Fiction (and sometimes real life) has this tendency to frame a character's stubborn belief in people's goodness in the teeth of all evidence as a virtue. As in, not when the person being judged acts seemingly out of character. It's wise to give aberrant behaviour the benefit of doubt. But consistently apologizing for and ascribing good intent to actions that clearly show a bad character, and then refusing to accept that this person is exactly as bad as the trail of victims they've left behind prove them to be— this is not a mark of goodness and kindness.

Wilful blindness and stupidity don't showcase a generosity of spirit. That's simply the need to cling to your own preconceptions for the sake of your own comfort. It's not kind or fair to defend perpetrators at the expense of the people suffering because of them; and infantilizing and finding excuses for people isn't mercy, it's apologia. ("He was a good boy who fell under bad influence" "Ma'am, he's 28 and sold out his own family to pay his gambling debts.") In both fiction and real life, you should be able to look at the situation and choose to safeguard and defend the victimized and vulnerable first and foremost. To accept that you might be wrong, your faith might be misplaced, and prioritise safety, justice and accountability for all the people who are or might be suffering at your friend or family's hands. Because not doing that— not believing victims, apologizing for and defending abusers, centering the perpetrator's interiority instead of the impacted victim's reality— that's just the default evil of real life.

If you being a pure, loyal little cinnamon roll throws other people under the bus, then you aren't actually a cinnamon roll. You're just complicit, enabling and endangering.

[aronarchy]

Libfems. Sigh.

[lovegrowsart]

every time zuko and azula's scapegoat and golden child dynamic is characterised as a "typical sibling rivalry" in this fandom an angel loses its wings fr... am saying this as a younger sister to TWO older brothers no we didn't always get along but lemme tell you there's a fucking difference between giving your siblings shit and literally participating in your father's abuse of your sibling 🙏 if you think their relationship is typical or acceptable then honestly i'm worried abt y'all

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

hot take but people treating tommy like he’s in the wrong for, like, being a victim of abusive actions and Literal Crimes (like, objectively, I don’t want to put words in Tommys mouth or define it for him but Dream's acting in a textbook abusive way rn and “sharing pornography with minors” is literally csa legally) is in large part bc of the normalisation of excusing abusive action in a fictional context here specifically. dream is right in saying c!dream influenced how people reacted to this, but it’s not with inniters- it’s with people using the Exact Same Arguments they used to defend c!Dream’s abuse when actual worse shit turned out to have happened to an actual irl sixteen year old.

[elegantwoes]

A friendly reminder that show!Margaery is based on three out of context Sansa moments in AGOT and ACOK where she throws Joffrey off balance with her words, quells his anger, and gets him to act benevolent to the people, and put on steroids till it doesn't make sense whatsoever and contradicts the actual plot of ASOIAF.

[uncanny-tranny]

"The world isn't a safe place, so get used to it!"

Man, as somebody who's survived multiple, long-lasting instances of abuse from a very young age, I was under the impression that the world was, indeed, so safe and conforming to my desires. I'm practically stunned to learn that this is not the case, and I have been severely humbled

(Sarcasm fully intended)

[xryin]

Just because the jedi lived comfortably and cannot solve things all at once

Does not mean they deserve abuse or genocide

And No their attitude towards anakin don't justify anything either

[notannascribbles]

does anyone remember when miraculous ladybug was about romance

[oneshotprincess]

what i hate most about the millions of 'titans tower au fics' out there is how they only ever end the same few ways: jason snaps out of his 'pit madness' (lol), jason realizes that tim is being abused by his dad or whoever and becomes tim's knight in shining armor, jason just plain never really meant it and all that lil timmy blood over the floors makes him change his mind :((

jason jason jason, it's always about jason changing his mind and never about tim. tim has nothing to do in these fics except get beaten up for the sake of jason's change of heart. in most of these fics, tim never gets to rescue himself, he never gets to win through his own ingenuity, he never gets to prove why he earned robin, he never even gets to snark at jason most of the times. he just gets to wait (or worse, cry!!!) until jason changes his mind and stops hurting him.

like hmm! that sure is smth!

[warrior-cats-rewritten]

Excuse my language.

What is this fucking horseshit?

Tell me you can't take fan criticism without telling me you can't take fan criticism.

"He only wanted to make sure the cat he loved was safe" is that why he's still an arrogant dickhead in TBC?

"Some say His reckless behavior is why Skuclan had to leave the forest for so many generations" we already established that it was human greed and if things are "much simpler" in starclan why would rumors like this float around?

"Even if he had done terrible things" like some of the most horrific acts in the series? "Plenty of cats have done much worse and their Clans have thrived"

Like who? Brokenstar? Who starved his own clan half to death and tried to map-wipe another? Tigerstar? Who almost destroyed all 4 in 1 go? I wouldn't call that thriving, that's bouncing back, but, sure, Firestar's author-possesed corpse. You'd totally say that.

"Starclan doesn't punish living cats."

OH DID THEY STOP DOING THAT?

[homielander]

You called me "Squirt," silly. Remember why? [No.] Oh, Marty— okay. But you do remember, though, that I used to be left in there for hours, days on end. Completely alone, right? Only — I was never really alone, was I? Big Brother was always watching. You were always watching, weren't you, Marty? Huh? But... growing boys have certain... needs, shall we say.

THE BOYS 4.04 | Wisdom of the Ages

[aronarchy]

I despise the stereotype that female nurses and teachers are mean girls. Each time I hear someone say that, I beg them to consider why these two professions have been labeled this way. I urge them to acknowledge that women in female dominated fields are inherently looked down upon by others within their profession. They have to fight for respect. They have to be assertive and bold in order to ensure that they are not looked down upon by others. Women before them have passed down the message that in order to gain respect, they must show that their worth is not something to be questioned. The repeated stereotype that nurses and teachers are mean girls, is rooted in the fact that these women have had to battle a misogynistic system their entire careers. Nurses and teachers work long hours, go through years of expensive training, and are consistently underpaid and mistreated within their respective fields. If being assertive and standing up for themselves earns them the stereotype of being mean, I ask you to consider why these individuals have to constantly define the respect they deserve within their fields. Instead of punishing the women who are forced to fight back against a misogynistic system that leaves them underpaid and under respected, I ask you to question why women who are assertive and outspoken are labeled unkind and cruel by society.

[ilikekidsshows]

the marinette hate is so strong right now, and a tiktok comment made me realize lila is manipulating the fandom the same way she manipulates everyone in universe. following marinette around, ensuring akumas can be directly related to marinette’s actions. because lila has always wanted everyone to hate marinette, whether she knows she’s ladybug or not. so she’s using her power to eventually turn everyone against marinette, and it’s working on the fandom too. master manipulator right there

---

Look, I’m not gonna pretend that I know why the masses have decided to turn against the Greatest Ladybug Ever, one of the most shilled protagonists to ever be constantly validated by the writing team of a TV show. Are they annoyed by the writers insisting she’s literally flawless and the biggest victim in every situation while the people around her are suffering from far worse problems that she minimizes? Are they tired of her getting out of situations where she’s in the wrong by throwing a pity party until everyone focuses on validating her instead? Did the abuse apologia she still hasn’t walked back make them view everything else she does more negatively than they would otherwise? Is it all of this combined?

But, hey, yeah, sure, it could be the fact that she’s “causing all the Akumas” in season 6. It’s not like all of us were willing to ignore her causing even more Akumas than Chloé since the start of the show (oh, wait!). That seems like such a reasonable assumption to make, that the fictional character Lila is making us blame Marinette for her villainy, or, rather, that it's some kind of masterful gambit by the writers, instead of there just being something wrong with the way Marinette’s character is being written that’s finally bothering people too much to ignore. But, hey, this fandom has a long history of being weird about people "causing" Akumas, so it could be a factor.

I can tell you why I and everyone in my inner circle jumped onto the Marinette salt train: it was the abuse apologia. It was Marinette seeing the sensory deprivation cell Gabriel put Adrien into, seeing the anger Adrien was expressing at his father’s treatment of him, and choosing to lie to him, to gaslight him about his father’s intentions and nature as a person. Marinette didn’t want to face the literal crimes Gabriel had committed against Adrien’s person, or Adrien’s reaction to said crimes, so she lied. She made Adrien’s abuser out to be a hero, who Adrien has no right to be upset at, because he saved her and the whole world.

Unless Lila was literally puppeting Marinette through that entire scene, telling her what to say to Adrien, Marinette’s abuse apologia is not Lila’s fault. The real masters of manipulation are the writers, but not for the Marinette salt: for getting so many of the fandom to accept this abuse apologia as something we should pity Marinette for, instead of Adrien, her victim or, worse yet, accept as something okay to do.