#starting to do real adult things
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
it’s been a bit over a year since i began out of touch. just want to again thank each and every person who’s read my silly little fic. i love you guys so much and hope you’re all having a happy holiday season!
ps i semi-promise i’m gonna work on ewtrtw soon :)
#i know i haven’t been too active#starting to do real adult things#and just can’t find the time#but i love you guys so much#thank you for all the support
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
honestly i hate how that “maybe the curtains are just blue” post has become shorthand for anti-intellectualism and shit bc as someone who has an utter passion for media analysis now, I WAS THAT PERSON IN HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH CLASS.
english class never taught me how to analyze stories, it taught me how to remember what things the teacher said were “symbolism” and how to take quizzes where we had to match a quote to the character who said it. i didn’t give a shit about any of it, bc literally why should i. it was bullshit.
there’s this idea online that people are forgetting or rejecting what they learned in english class when they’re bad at media analysis, and maybe that’s a little bit true, but i think the much bigger problem is they never learned it in the first place. cinemasins & “maybe the curtains are just blue” aren’t convincing people to abandon an intellectualism they already had, they’re filling a void.
when all you learn in high school is to write on the test “blue = depression”, why is it surprising that so many people don’t give a shit about the curtains.
#media analysis#i literally didn’t care about criticism until i started watching video essays in 2017#and they taught me that u could actually do interesting things with analysis#and i cannot fucking stand this shit that pretends people should all know better#also it’s not new; people who act like media literacy is getting worse are so fucking funny like#have u met an adult. have u spoken to say. an adult family member#ever in ur life#ur just on the internet now. ur seeing a million bad takes that used to be reserved for in-person conversations#or maybe writing into a paper or magazine#get real#get fucking real#1k
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
Making a birthday cake for a friend tonight (something I haven't done for a while), and I forgot how much I love baking & cake decorating. I'll post pics when I'm done, I'm very excited. 🥰
#archivist talk#the archivist regrets starting nursing school#the archivist#the archivist is a tad stressed but also this fun thing is happening so that's just dandy#i think i might have to give up on the kitchen being a place where one can sit and eat#i never use it for that personally#not because i don't want to#it just lacks the space for it and i don't have a real dining room#(my kitchen is long and narrow)#if i can figure out a good reasonable way to re-arrange the living room such that i can have both a living room AND a small dining corner#i may do that#however given the amount of bookshelves i've got going on & all my other lusts i imagine this won't happen#le sigh#i love my apartment so much#i think if i had a small dining area/dining room that would make the kitchen perfect#and if i had a den that i could put my desk/file cabinet/all adulting work in#that would free up my bedroom to be even more coquettish & focused#and also entirely comfortable#that would change a lot actually goddamn#but alas this building is not going to change#so maybe if one day i could afford a 2 bedroom that had a den .... bonus points if it has wood floors#and those arched doorways that i so love#i would be in heaven#i have to finish nursing school so i can pay for things with less stres#and also help my siblings more#and then maybe so i can get a nice home that would be super cool#but for now i must simply chill as they say
152 notes
·
View notes
Text
hot take, mike and el arent in love, because they are fourteen
well i guess mike is fifteen but still like as someone who has been fourteen/fifteen
GUESS WHO I WAS NOT DATING:
A. THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
B. MY FUTURE SIGNIFICANT OTHER
C. ANYONE WHO I WOULD BE ABLE TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" TO AND ACTUALLY FUCKING MEAN IT
D. ALL OF THE ABOVE (the answer is D by the way)
LIKE Y'ALL THEY ARE FOURTEEN
THEY MET WHEN THEY WERE TWELVE
"I knew right then and there in that moment that I loved you" MY ASS
#byler#mike wheeler#like i truly need to stress this so much this is NOT mileven hate like this is putting any like feature or fact about their dynamic aside#they are children#and yes i know there are people who meet their partners when they're young kids childhood friends to lovers is a trope for a reason#but no one NO ONE (or at least statistically very few people cuz i know my ass was not)#is making for real love declarations at Fourteen (or Fifteen humor me)#and “oh rey then how can you ship lumax-” LUMAX HASNT SAID I LOVE YOU YET#LUMAX IS THE MOST ACCURATE DEPICTION OF AN EARLY TEENAGE ROMANCE IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED SHOW BECAUSE THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE SO AWKWARD#AND ITS ADORABLE#AND THATS IT#THEY HAVENT EVEN KISSED SINCE SEASON 2#YOU WANNA KNOW WHY??#BECAUSE THAT'S REALISTIC#BECAUSE THEY ARE KIDS AND KISSING IS GROSS#listen im not saying this with the intention that ohh kids are immature they dont know what true feelings are blah blah blah#kids have feelings no shit#but esPECIALLY when it comes to mileven it seems so goddamned performative#like it FEELS like they both just watched a bunch of romance movies and are now mimicking whatever they've seen the adults in those movies#(who are supposedly in love) do#like watch lucas's talk with max in the back of the like trailer thing where he tells her he wants her to stop pushing him away watch that#and then tell me mike's aMaZinG AnD drAmaTiC LOvE cONfESioN doesnt sound formulaic as fuck#like you wanna know how a teenager makes a love confession#they say smth emotionally vulnerable; want to die after saying the emotionally vulnerable thing; and then tell a shitty joke to salvage it#not “I don't know how to live without you. I feel like my life started that day we found you in the woods” no fucking teenager says that#and that is why lumax is as mr mclaughlin said himself: “real love”#damn i kinda cooked with the tags on this one#(also fun fact i learned that tumblr has a tag limit by making this post which is why half of the tags are at the 140 character limit)
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
Cheap custom backgrounds?
Hi! Want to give your enclosure something like this?
Well let me help you do this in a affordable way to give your animal some new enrichment and climbing opportunities!! Theres a misconception fancy backgrounds are hard to do or are expensive to do. This is... Very much not true! So lets do the one above together! Heres an overview of the supplies you'll need: -Your Enclosure of choice -Cocofiber and Sphagnum moss(OPTIONAL, can opt to paint) -Aquarium grade Silicone -Great stuff pond and Stone -Cork bark, roots, sticks, small rocks(OPTIONAL) First things first, you're going to want an enclosure.
This is a DUBIA 4ftX2ftx2ft[LengthsXwidthXHeight), Also known as a 48"L x 24"W x 24"H(Inches) or a 120 Gallon Enclosure. This is considered the researched minimum size for common exotics like Ball pythons, Corn snakes, Bearded Dragons and the like to thrive. *Disclaimer: Im aware there is several groups and movements who are pushing for a 5x3x2(ft) minimum for Bearded dragons, I ultimately agree with them and the advancement of exotic keeping, but a Bearded won't suffer in a 4x2x2. Dubia Enclosures are some of the cheapest in the market, however they're decent for the price. They are stackable which makes it great for saving space, but please note they can NOT hold a lot of weight, so be mindful of that.
I own 3 of these. Two Version 1s and on Version 2, which is the one above. The V2s are generally nicer in design in my opinion, theyre functional more importantly. Once you have your enclosure of choice, lay it on its back as shown in in the first image. Next, you're going to want to prep your dry background. I use Organic Cocofiber and Sphagnum moss. I buy these extremely cheaply from Home depot or in bulk off Amazon. Make sure your material is COMPLETELY DRY! It will NOT stick if it has any moisture. Break apart your Cocofiber block and mix it with your dried Sphagnum moss in a container and have it ready on the side. I use the bulk Coco fiber, which costs about $23 for 5 bricks on Amazon. You can get them cheaper if you dont buy bulk, I do a lot of gardening and have a lot enclosures so its easier for me! https://www.amazon.com/Organic-Coco-Coir-Bricks-Compressed/dp/B01N1YP8O6?th=1 for a 4x2x2, I only use 2 bricks. Likewise, I buy Bulk moss for the same reason: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BK7XMNWL?ref=nb_sb_ss_w_as-reorder_k0_1_10&=&crid=1RDHFNSAUX0DF&sprefix=spaghnum%2Bm&th=1 You will only need. ONE BRICK. For the Sphagnum moss. Maybe even less than a brick. You're going to want to wet this then dry it before use. Dont be me. Dont be fooled over how small and thin those moss bricks are. I made the mistake of trying to wet an entire brick and I had to use a deep soup pot to contain it. It *explodes*. You will be buried in moss. You will scream and cry and beg for mercy as you are overwhelmed by the amount of moss Expanding from a singular brick. I am not exaggerating, I learned my lesson, please god, do not make the same mistakes I made. I still have. So, so much moss. Sometimes I still find Moss from my Mossaggeden. NOTE: Please make sure to use organic, and do not used DYED moss! Double check your ingredients, Dyed moss can be toxic to your animals! Next,
Silicone time, baby! You're going to want to use Aquarium grade Silicone from Home depot, please double check to make sure you're getting Aquarium grade! This will cost you a whopping $3 At Homedepot. The Caulking gun was an additional $12 if you dont have one already, however, it is re-usable so its a great one time purchase because I use that bad boy for a lot of my projects lmao. Once you struggle to open your stupid bottle of Silicone without exploding it like I have on several occasions; time to be silly!
We're going to Silicone this bad boy up reaaaaal good. Dont be me, USE GLOVES! It makes your life so much better I promise. So why are we doing this exactly? Its simple, this will help your background last! It gives it texture and helps the spray foam stay in place. It also keeps your background from peeling so easily, texture matters! Your hands going to be very tired after this. Youre going to want to leave this alone for the next 24-48 hours. Minimum. You want your silicone to dry and want to make sure the smell is gone before continuing to the next step!
This is the funnest part. Spray foam time! For the 4x2x2, I use about 3 Bottles of this stuff. Make sure you're using NON-TOXIC Spray foam! Pond and Stone is my favorite to work with. When I add things into the background, I make sure to have a 4th can of this stuff on me. This will be the most pricey part about it. Lowes has it for $12-14 a can, but its $15 a can on Amazon. This is really the only big 'expense' when it comes to backgrounding. Smaller enclosures use less, but bigger enclosures will need more. !!!!!!!THE NEXT STEPS NEED TO BE DONE TOGETHER!!!!!!!! Youre going to want to be fast about it if youre using my method. Start spraying random patterns into the background. Youre going to want to make sure youre covering every inch of the enclosure, you can do zigzags, cut it into triangles, squares, it doesnt matter. Different shapes give you different background textures, so go nuts!!! Dont leave space between the foam, and go ham. Theres no wrong way to do this. Once thats done though, you're going to want to do the next step IMMEDIATELY:
Adding your background texture and features!! This step MUST be done while the spray foam is still wet. First, take any rocks, cork, sticks, ext if youre adding them and shove them into the background. Dont have money to pay for expensive Reptile decor? You can sanitize your own rocks and sticks from outside yourself for free. I will make a guide about how I do that soon ahah. Press any features you want into the spray foam background nice and firm, then use the extra to spray around the items to secure them in place. Once you got your features in, its time to take your pre-prepped background and begin pouring it in! Spread it evenly across the enclosure. Do NOT worry if you have excess, poor it in anyway. Once you've poured the background in. GENTLY pat it over the sprayfoam. Next, you'll want to leave this to dry for the next 24 hours minimum. Leave it laying on its back so nothing drips or sags where you dont want it to!!! After 24hours, lift the enclosure and gently tap the back of it to knock off your excess background to reveal your background!
Annnnnnd you're done!!! Now you're free to add your lighting, real or fake plants, heating, substrate and other decor as you please! This can add so much more enrichment to your animal and give them so much more room to utalize their space. My individual personally loves his background and utilizes it all of the time! Contrary to belief, a lot of snakes aren't 'pet rocks' if you give them stuff to explore and climb. My guys out pretty often! Of course it comes down to personality too ahah.
Heres some pics of him using his climbing features! He prefers the middle climbing feature here and the one off to the right, where he uses to bask when he doesnt want to be seen and hangs out the top of it, or his bird perch when he doesn't mind being right there out in the open. c:
#reptiles#snake#herpetology#ball python#background#How to craft#Custom enclosure#Mossaggeden still haunts me#And my hands have known no peace since I started doing these#I hate silicone#More so I hate caulking#bioactive#tutorial#I picked up that little bird stand for like $15 at a local owned exotics store and thats been his favorite thing ever#Sanitized it real good and I have hundreds of pictures of him on that thing#I have a big one for my tree boa its like 5 ft tall#I cant wait to use that when shes ready for her adult enclosure#Did you know you can get a 10x10 growtent for like $300?#Thats a steal actually#Modify it real good and boom#perfect enclosure for like a 8ft tree boa#Im going to try growing a tree in it#Godspeed#dont let this flop#My hands will never recover from the amount of caulking ive done in my life
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
\
#can I just. scream for a second#so as is news to no one#we need to start over the entire us medical system from scratch#also I would like to be flayed alive and start over from scratch in the skin department as well#anyway for context: I've had some kind of rash/acne/infection/irritation all over my legs for over a year now#have tried various products and changed habits and products to try and get rid of it to no avail#everyone said you should really just go to a dermatologist#(I was not that inclined to do so bc the previous and only time I'd seen a dermatologist it was not a good experience. very condescending#also I don't like making appointments and stuff. girl I don't have time)#but I decided to be an adult and go (my insurance info seemed to imply I could go with zero copay even)#spoilers: that was not the case#anyway so I show up and surprise surprise: it sucked#she was dismissive and condescending imo. was literally like 'well it could be A B or C but I can't tell'#'all of those are basically impossible to get rid of anyway but the things to try are X Y or Z'#I asked to try Z since X and Y are things that I already tried and did nothing (which I had told her!!!)#but she just kept being like 'you just need to stop picking at it. that's the real problem and that's what's exacerbating your scarring'#(wow thanks never thought of that!) (she also insinuated that my scarring was ugly)#girl I'm not 5 years old I understand.#unfortunately for me that is a compulsion so strong it would probably take years of directed therapy to get me to stop doing that#what I'm here to see you about is to figure out what the problem is and how to stop it from happening in the first place#and STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT A COSMETIC ISSUE#it's causing me pain and discomfort that's the main problem! I would like that to stop!! and me not touching it would not solve that proble#also I wanted to ask her about something else but they were too quick about it. felt very Handled if you know what I mean#but anyway#she gave me a prescription for topical antibiotic which was the thing I had not tried#apparently my insurance doesn't cover it and it's also made of gold and plutonium or something#so she gave me a coupon for it#but get this#when I went to pick it up at the pharmacy they didn't take the coupon#the guy said. 'um this only works for the generic brand. and we don't have the generic brand'
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
They weren't lying, this psychological recovery journey got hands
#3rd month of taking antidepressants and knowing that There Is something majorly fucked up within me#i feel like im becoming normal bit by bit but also now my other problems become my aparent to me#i started to notice i have this childlike simplistic attitude towards wonder and relationships but also at the same time i understand the#severity of troubles around me on the level of burned out adult#but also it takes me from a week to several years to realize what people meant#and yet sometimes i get everything clearly#there are still ways to go#i still have to find a therapist#cuz psych diagnosed me with BPD; geberal anxiety disorder and ADHD and said i have autism signs that could explain the development of BPD#but all he can do is medical treatment which is not the kind you need for BPD and autism#im not saying you can treat autism but yeah he meant i need a psychotherapist for these instead of psychiatrist#i hope i can complete this mental health journey bcuz i feel like i finally got hit with all the weight of burnout i had all these years#i did some creative work in the august/early september but rn its all touching grass in real world and playing games#like i cook i help my family with chores i play fortnite i clean up my room i go out at 1am to look at the stars#all of my own volition without feeling like i need to push myself to do this#I'm scared that making art is not one of those things#i often have a thought that maybe art isnt really for me and in a perfect world i wouldnt do it#but then why am i so good at it#like...#petrotalk
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao
#moogletalks#in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things#and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life#instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis#but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were#and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival#instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now#the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community#if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people#their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special#and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality#anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol#ableism cw#internalized ableism cw#pluralitag#traumatag#adventures in mental illness#disabilitag
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
i kinda love when a character clearly needs professional help but is trying to self treat it with like crystals and essential oils and like herbals and stuff and it is Not Doing A Lot. i think largely because i was living like that for a very long time and it sucked but at least the aesthetic of plants is nice
#it was like alright i truly want to die and ive got an entirely uncontrolled life ruining brain issue on my hands#and we are treating it with ashwagandha gummies and a porridge that supposedly helps mood.#idk im sure it did something or another and ive heard of ashwagandha helping some people with ocd but it wasnt doing a lot for me#and also i like the Botanicals Vibe and also kind of making characters with the This Is Not Going To Work But Whatever I'll Take Vitamins#i remember around when my brain first broke with ocd i just could not understand why i felt so upset and freaked out 24/7#and it was december so i just started mainlining vitamin d#idk if that helped or not lol#my oc cal does this in one of his storylines. in a downward spiral but too scared to ask for help/doesnt see it as a big deal#so he smothers himself in soothing lavender oil and takes vitamin d and all that but still cant stay calm and still wants to die#and blames himself for getting worse#hm i think in another storyline he’s barely able to leave his house and has spent about a third of his life comatose/imprisoned/otherwise#not like Living#so he’s only had like 5-10 adult years living in the real world#so he’s completely overwhelmed by things like open spaces or other people. can barely handle the grocery store#since he’s so used to being isolated in a smaller quiet room#also his biology is sort of not human in this au so basically he can’t go to the doctor#anyways he’s up to here in aromatherapy and ashwagandha and whatever else
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
this man is pissing me off
#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#first it was with his annoying ass thoughts about the superiority of the capital and the dehumanisation of the districts#but now he's having like. NORMAL thoughts. that would be EXPECTED when living in a dystopia#he's seen two classmates die and realised it could've been him and that sejanus saying the capitol not protecting its citizens had merit#and he started acting like a decent human being about lucy gray's situation#forgetting about his own bullshit in the face of her suffering because it's clear that hers is more immediately concerning#the parallels between katniss and coryo drive me INSANE#they've both impoverished young adults who've been in survival mode trying to keep their families from starving to death#forced to actually acknowledge the real world and decide on their own sense of morality#with good influences trying to push them towards the right side#eg. katniss having gale and peeta's voices in her head when she makes a stand for rue#but i KNOW snow doesn't listen to lucy gray and sejanus#i KNOW he doesn't#i've seen the ending! so the possibility of him getting over himself and becoming better is pissing me off because i know he doesn't!!!!#it would be so much easier if he was pure evil. it would be so much less infuriating and so much less horrifying but he's not#he had the potential for goodness and instead he murdered countless people#including thousands of children and any political opponents who got in his way#AND ALSO LUCY GRAY AND SEJANUS#(lucy gray's fate is a mystery but he still chose to kill her and that at least changed HIM)#i hate this. these books are so good i HATE IT#but also some of these lines are so ironic#his tendency towards obsession is likely to kill him one day if he doesn't learn to outsmart it#almost like an obsession with the mockingjay#and calling dr. gaul crazy for her extreme measures to ensure he doesn't lie to her#when he ends up doing the exact same thing to katniss#maybe minus the overt show of violence but like. he doesn't have to. he's in her house threatening her loved ones#it's so fascinating#i want to eat it#but i won't cause i haven't finished reading yet
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
So maybe I'm the problem after all
#you were WARNED annoying time starts now#but real talk i was so fed up bc all ace attorney content was trying SOO hard to be sexy#NEWSFLASH: lawyers are UNSEXY DORKS. that's what makes them FUN#and i was moodily staring into space being like nobody can think of anything else to do with these characters but have them make out?!#and i was like what's the most unsexy thing i could make them do. and then bam. it came to me. colonoscopy.#in order to get a colonoscopy you need someone to stay in the waiting room the whole time they can't just come pick you up#as an adult without a family and without a partner... what do u do in that situation. Who can u call.#having someone who cares enough about you to drive you#wait for two hours#and kindly not mention the tubes that will be stuck into u in unfortunate places#that is an intimacy that transcends human speech#but mostly i think its funny#ace attorney#laurelblahblah comic#comics
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
just thinking abt how when i was 13 i had internet friends from instagram (book instagram was very popular for the 13 yr old girl population at the time) who were the same age as me & among other things one of them was like oh i can teach you how to have an eating disorder like 😭😭😭 literally those exact words & i was like yes this is normal :) i tried to employ those tips however i already had an eating disorder so it made it impossible for me to give myself a second eating disorder that would contradict the first one i didn’t realize i had. but basically social contagions among teenage girls are crazy 😭😭😭😭
#michelle speaks#very hard to make urself anorexic when u already have binge eating disorder 😭 VERY incompatible eating disorders….#but like crazy how teenage girls will just be like oh i can teach u how to have an eating disorder for no reason like it’s not like i asked#she just offered it up to us in the chat 😭 and i was like ok i guess i should try that#but obvs i couldn’t do it bc i could not cope w my stress & anxiety w/o eating as per bed 🤪#them + the other 13 yr olds on instagram were also the reason i started c*tting. like girls. what r we doing.#like it never occurred to me to do those things until i saw other girls my age doing it & acting like it was cool so i was like oh i guess#i’m supposed to do it too. although to be real i prob would have started c*tting anyway once i saw it in some media or another anyway#AND i developed an eating disorder all on my own so when u think abt it. i was very on trend just by being me ❤️#i only say the second thing bc i was very deeply depressed & not then but over time i did start developing a lot of self harm fantasies etc#but that is MY personal business. but even if so it was damaging to see that stuff at 13#bc perhaps maybe i wouldn’t have & maybe i wouldn’t have had self harm fantasies as an adult & such#ok well i was supposed to go to sleep but i spent 20 mins writing this post for no reason. oops!
4 notes
·
View notes
Note
As someone with adhd who only got diagnosed and medicated within the last year- I highly suggest talking to your doctor. I spoke with my med doctor before ever starting to ask her how difficult it was to get the meds. She said that while the shortage is real and affecting people, she hasn't seen it happen locally yet, which made me feel safer. Your doctor probably has inside knowledge since they prescribe it to others!
It truly has been life changing for me in numerous ways, so if you're diagnosed or even just have a suspicion you're adhd, I really encourage you to go for it 💜 Regardless, best of luck!!!
aauuugghhh I knooooow but.... scary...... :') I know 'well just doing bad all of the time is better than doing good sometimes and bad other times' is very obviously flawed logic, but it's hard not to fall back on nonetheless. AND yeah I guess 'well a facebook friend who lives in the same state I do was having trouble with her son's prescription two years ago' isn't a professional assessment of the supplyline situation right now and where I actually live, lmao. Either way I suppose one upside of being a wiener about it is that if I ever do talk to a professional about this, 'I've been putting this off for years and years because I have a whole laundry list of doubts and misgivings about getting on medication' might help guard against getting marked as drug seeking kfjdghgdf
#there is also the fear that being medicated will only remove my Excuses for sucking so bad if it turns out the problem was just Me#this one I recognize rationally is pretty unlikely but oh boy is the fear real#ALSO MAN I'M NOT GONNA GET INTO THIS but I need a new doctor ANYWAY because the place I'm at now is worthless#so not only would I want to start by looking for a whole new doctor but I'm also starting with big doubts about Going To Doctor in general#scary! scary!! being an adult is stupid#not that being a kid is easier lmao sometimes you get prescribed medication for 'can't remember important things disease' at 12#and then all the adults decide it's your job to remember to take that pill :) not that I'm still bitter 20 years later. lol.#AAAANYWAY. I do really appreciate your input and encouragement thank you💕#about me
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
hm
#ramble tag#more like vent tag but i refuse to have one of those you can just ignore me you are smart#like seriously dont read this unless you really wanna and are snooping#i think there's something wrong with my brain#the executives have really refused to function#or some such nonsense i don't know i am just saying things#if i blame it on a vaguely medical sounding problem i feel less personally responsible about it#its been roughly 4 days#the hours are slipping away like sand through fingers#and i cant Do Anything#its infuriating#i can only Think about all the work i need to do but i Can't Do it#i only have 6 days left probably less i dont know the exact deadline and i have made No progress and i know i just have to Start#but like every time there is a slightest huccup i just get pulled away from the task and oops its dark out now!#and its like i dont even care#i am not sad or scared or angry except i know i should be so its like a ghost of a feeling#i dont want to die and dont want to live if i could i would just sit and read or even just think alone with my mind for a week straight#after i post this i will open the document pull out the tablet and start again i need to Start#aughhhh#how am i even an adult human person#this cant be how real human people live nothing would ever get done and we would starve to death#people here like to say that ooh 20 is not an adult that doesn't count but like#if i was less of a dumbass i would be living if not on my own then not with my parents#and i cant imagine surviving like that#that might be part of why that didn't happen#i am straight up just not an independent person right now#i have been avoiding booking an appointment to cut my hair for half a month#and avoiding scheduling to pick up the piercings I Wanted for 2! maybe 3! i dont know anymore!#okay this ends here#not the moping the tags
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Vent
Tw: sh, suivide
#i hate that my brain is broken and it makes me fight with my family....#i.wish i could jjst shut my mouth like thsy qant me to.....#it smells like human shit n piss in my room cus im too scared to ask my dad to change it :')✨️💕✌️#i wanna cut so that i get release and attention but last time my dad didnt even notice and my sister didnt take it seriously :(#i feel like cuttong is the only way to let out my Ick and show how not good im doing#mental illnesses are invisible and so fucking crippling......#my family thinks im lazy i just know they do#im such a fuvking failure at 25 i should be taking care of my dad like he did to his..#also my dad always says hes in catholic hell sooooo guess im not real then :')#he spefically says he died as a kid and this is his hell.....🥹✌️💔#i just....hate my life and already dont feel real#he basically vents and says whatever without thinking about the impact on ME the adult child with autism.#i think about my words affect on everybody all the time and it seems like barely anyone thinks the same#....maybe i can s-xually -buse myself instead of cutting#but cumming always brings a biiiiig wave of crying#i shpuldnt cut for the attebtion but FUCK i wanna get a hug or see someone have a soft voice n soft eyes for me#....all i do is annoy my dad#i should just kill myself so i dont annoy him anymore#but im too scared of failing#also im scared of Hell#i need a hug that doesnt start with me asking for a hug......#if i didnt do anything affectionate for a whole day i would go without it#i would trade every present in the world if my family could at least just UNDERSTAND my emotional brain#instead i get “i just dont understand” over n over n over n over again.....#im not trying to be an attention seeker when i say this: logically the only answer i can come up with is to k-ll myself.#its like 2 + 2 = su!cide#my family says that theyd kill themselves if i did....i dont believe that#theyre less broken than me so they would heal and move on.#for clarification#the most violent thing km gonna do is c-t myself im NOT attempting tonight
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I may be considering the crime of... Getting a business degree 🤢
#i Like my new job where i get to play in excel all day and i also like having financial security for the first time in my adult life#i was originally thinking about switching my major to sociology bc its another area that im interested in#but my mom may have talked me into considering a business degree as an option since sociology isnt a great fallback option...#the thought of majoring in business makes me gag tbh. but i mean... i DO like data analysis and there IS a masters for data analysis#and the bachelors degree in information systems would teach me new things about computers which might be cool#and they have an international business program that links in advanced study of foreign languages and cultures#and theres even a certificate program for sustainability that includes direct work with grassroots programs#AND all of this is intentionally made to be accessible to people who are already in the work field so i wouldnt need to quit my job...#...all of this plus a sociology minor (or double major if i can pull it off) is starting to look pretty good actually#BUT... can i withstand the pain of spending the next few years in classrooms full of business majors 🤔#real talk tho i was wanting to use my social work degree to go into policy anyways which could mean government OR corporate#...if i get a business major i could potentially speedrun the process of getting into corporate policy to make a difference that way#and my sociology minor (or major) would still support that#fuckin. trojan horse the companies i guess#i am rotating the idea in my mind with the emotional state of that gif of someone trying kombucha for the first time#rambling
23 notes
·
View notes