#i hate that my brain is broken and it makes me fight with my family....

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

Tw: sh, suivide

[mydearlybeloathed]

── "𝐈 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄… 𝐁𝐀𝐃 𝐍𝐄𝐖𝐒"

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: mihawk has a time honored tradition, and you're the sorry soul who has to tell him it's being broken.

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: platonic!mihawk x gn!reader

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 0.5k

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭: reader is mihawk's assistant, inspired by the headcannon that mihawk is a baratie reg, named "the assistant of all time" in my docs

𝐚/𝐧: kinda really wanna continue this 🤭 if you have ideas of shenanigans mihawk's assistant can get up to i'm happy to hear them. i've got a few swirling around my brain already

𝐎𝐏 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

Waiting till your employer (and close friend, if you let yourself admit it) sat down, you stood before his desk rather stiffly. In your arm rested a number of papers, some correspondences from the government, others new wanted posters he might find of interest.

“Milord,” you began, “I have… bad news.”

Instantly, Dracule Mihawk’s shoulders squared up. You liked to think you knew him like the back of your hand. For the past four years, you’d shaped your every waking moment around your boss. Kuraigana had been your home since the day Mihawk found you, wounded and hissing like some feral stray, and offered you shelter on his ship.

“I don’t want charity,” you grunted, eyes pinched as he pressed a warm cloth to the gash on your arm.

He wasn’t having any of that, eyes flickering over your dusty figure. “Then work for me. I’ve been meaning to find an assistant to deal with the more boring matters, but no one ever has what it takes to handle my… line of work.”

You met his gaze, mustering up your strength. “I do.”

Mihawk knew that; he felt that you were cut from the same cloth, in a way. 

Family was too fuzzy to name what the pair of you were, but boss and assistant was too far removed. The paychecks never stopped rolling in, and your devoted work never strayed into the realm of favors, yet a layer of friendly understanding rested atop your companionship.

You always hated disappointing him, fighting tooth and nail to avoid doing so. Yet, here you were, stiff as a board about to do just that.

“I’m sure you remember Don Krieg.”

Mihawk’s brows met instantly, expression cool. “What about him?”

You picked at a splinter on the desk, making a mental note to sand it down. “He’s been—spotted at the Baratie.” You chanced a glance up at him. “I don’t think your table will be available tonight.”

Mihawk blinked, before all at once the exhaustion of the week flooded his features. He slumped over on his elbows, nursing an ache in his temples. “Every Saturday… we always get our table…”

His use of we and our had a soft spot deep in your armor buzzing with delight, quick to be snuffed out with a nod. “I’m aware. I have thought up several top-of-the-line establishments—quiet spots with the same flair as Baratie.”

The warlord raised a single, perfect brow. “You say that like we’re not going to settle this little disturbance.”

Again, we. You fought down the tiniest of smiles and nodded firmly. “I expected as much. Just leaving the option open. Shall I prepare your ship?”

He waved a dismissive hand. “I shall do that. You sharpen your blade. I have a feeling things will get… messy.” 

You met his casual air and scant grin accordingly, allowing a smirk to slip past your walls as you left the room swiftly. Things had been getting quite dull in Kuraigana. Perhaps this will liven the adventure up.

𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭: @100520s @kryscent @kultofkorii @dreamcastgirl99

[castielsprostate]

uhm anyway this is my official script outline proposal for venom vs spiderfriend / spiderman 4 / venom 4 !

cockroach!venom is travelling to new york all by himself (the the barman is there too because it's just really funny) while we follow eddie having thee worst day he's ever had. he stubs his toe getting out of bed in the morning, his coffee order is wrong and spills on his shirt, he drops his laptop on the concrete, he loses every lead he had on an investigation, a bird shits on his shoulder, it starts to rain and he doesn't have an umbrella, he gets hit by a street puddle a cab drives through, a fling he's "trying" breaks everything off over text message (gender ambiguous), and then when he's crossing the street he gets fucking BODIED by a truck. he gets rushed to the hospital, barely alive, major trauma, broken bones, brain bleed, cardiac arrest, and before he goes he says, "see you soon, buddy," whilst clutching his lady liberty keychain in his hands

cut to spiderman, doing spideythings on earth 616, swinging through the city of new york,

meanwhile, cock!venom is vroaching it up on the other side of the city, going from alley to alley, dodging cars and pedestrians, barely evading death, looking into windows searching for something, making tiny, whiny little alien sounds. he finds a tasty little treat (rat brains) in between and as he's about to munch spiderman's ass squashes him from falling through a marvel sparkles universe hole. venom attaches himself to spiderman and they are an absolute hate at first sight. by GOD does venom hate peter and does peter try to get rid of venom any and all opportunities! "YOU" "what me?" "YOU ARE THE RED BLUE MAN FROM TV" "well... yeah? i'm spiderman? can you get out of my body please??" venom does not, in fact, get out of his body, but they fight some alley bad guys, one calls spiderman an "uptight fruity" and venom goes ballistic. they fight together, badly, because neither of them is strong enough to control the other and then they fight each other before realising it's pointless. venom ends saying "don't let guys like that get you down, bug, sing your own song, dance to your own beat, it's what we do" to peter when they're done fighting and peter just goes ???

eddie is still dying in the hospital, medically induced coma, anne arrives with dan, they mourn him, getting told there's no chance of survival anymore. they're keeping him alive for mrs chen to say her goodbyes, and unhooking his life support in two days. capcut dream montage where he's raising a family together with venom, eddie says, "this is a life i like better,". that's normal behaviour

spideyvenom is being followed by some woodchippers, venom explains NOTHING to the spider man because they doesn't like the spider man. they have a day where they try to find out whats going on, barely working together, but good enough to find out some information. they have an alleycat fight and venom reveals that he's looking for someone "special to us" after coming all the way from nevada, and peter goes "ah.. mr venom, she must be important to you for you to travel all this way, huh?" "yes, insect... he is important to us" and spiderman goes O.O and then tries to help but no one's heard of an "eddie brock". the city, in the meantime, becomes jittery and weird, and something big is coming. something big and wrong. they go on a venom bender and meet the barman in an underground (gay) club in nyc and have a fun (for venom. terrible for spidey and the barman) night out

eddie is dying, slowly, in the hospital, unresponsive to everyone and everything. mrs chen says a tearful goodbye, leaving a bar of chocolate on his bedside table, anne stays with eddie whilst dan goes with mrs chen to get some food. she holds his hand, cries, maybe. she says, through tears,"i wish he could've protected you longer"

spideyvenom are doing what they can to protect people (venom eats a few of them), swinging through the city when more marvel sparkles appear. by god. that's a lot of fucking marvel sparkles. that's. that's too many marvel sparkles. the sky opens up, there really isn't a lot of time left, the something big, something wrong is here.

swinging through new york, spideyman is listing off everything that's going very, very wrong, trying to evacuate as many people, when venom spots eddie, barely, through a top floor hospital window. in reality he actually spots anne, throwing everything on a hail mary, and decides to crash them into the hospital window. anne ducks to protect eddie, spiderman takes off his mask in anger, "mr venom what the hell??? we HAVE to go, NOW,". venom rejects himself from spiderman, launching him out of the window, and jumping onto eddie, trying to be absorbed, "eddie?... eddie... eddie.. eddie. eddie eddie eddie eddie eddie eddie eddie eddie eddie!! eddie!!! eddie!!!! eddie!!!!! eddie!!!!!!! eddie!!!!!!!!!! eddie!!!!!!!!!!!!! EDDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!,"

venom goes to anne, looking at eddie, "why isn't our other waking up? what is wrong with our eddie, anne?". "venom, i'm so sorry."

so venom, without thinking, without any hold back, makes anne perform cpr, just enough to flow into eddie. just. barely. enough. and he brings eddie back again, slamming him back into life, waking up another codex in the process, but he doesn't care. because their eddie is back, and eddie is waking up.

eddie says, whilst reaching up to his chest, "hey buddy, i just had the-," "weirdest dream, eddie,"

silence, for a moment, the camera is only focused on them sitting in eddie's glass covered hospital bed before,

"am i dead? are we dead? is this it?" "no, eddie, we are alive," and eddie presses their foreheads together, gently, with no urgency. just relief. eddie gripping the back of venom's goop, entangling his fingers, wanting to feel venom engulf him again. the moment is cut short by spiderman jumping through ANOTHER window "what in the hell are you doing mr. venom??? we have to clear the city, now, we don't have any time for this"

freaked out, a little soggy, eddie says, "venom, that's th-the-the peter guy from tv from the the purple man universe" "yes eddie, we do not like him," "why is the peter guy from tv in here, why does he know who we are,"

spiderman goes ???, eddie braces himself for a fight, gripping venom tighter, he isn't going to lose him again so soon, "listen sweetie, we aren't going anywhere," whilst gesturing to him and venom, "what is going on here?"

something rumbles the ground, anne yelps, spiderman is up and out another window, "no time, gotta swing, we need to evacuate the city,"

eddie is up, getting anne to safety, she says "don't let him go, venom," before venom is filling him in on everything that happened and being shot into battle in his hospital gown. they full body, venom seeps into every part of eddie, impossibly further than any time before, and eddie lets him in

"we have a new tattoo, eddie?" "got it a while back, it's the," "codex?" "codex,"

they save a few people on their way down, venom eats a few bad guys, "you got a new tattoo, too, huh bud?" "it looks cool on us" they find spiderman and, despite their mutual dislike, team up and [epic battle here]. cool co-ops with veddie launching spiderman, spiderman webbing bad guys like a little burrito for venom to eat, eddie does a few kickflips and gets launched by spiderman to get some up-top threats. and the threat isn't clear, it's not knull, it's not more xenophages, it's something neither of them has seen before, and it just keeps coming... until the sky clears up in an instant. like it was snapped away, and spiderman is marvel sparkled back before any of them know what's happening, "mr venom??" "insect! see you never"

half of the city is destroyed (in true marvel hero style), venom and eddie have to get out of there quickly before anyone gets a too good look.

the final scene of venom and eddie is them sitting in central park, debris magically cleaned up, venom safely tucked in eddie's shirt saying some venom-y nonsense and alien purring, two new chickens who they named roan and gaga pecking away by their feet, looking off into the sunset. eddie whispers, "but i like any life with us best," and venom intertwines their hands

spiderman gets marvelsparkled back into the mcu, having the wildest story to tell, and having so so so many questions, with having none answered because it's Doom's Day.

[bonefall]

I know you don’t rewrite arcs until they’re done, but I love hearing about your early ideas while I brood over how badly this arc has let me down. Do you have any like super vague ideas about Splashtail’s motivations yet? He’s like a way worse Hawkfrost in my mind, because they’re both very young cats who Are Just Evil. But Hawkfrost had a genuinely interesting backstory that the Erin’s simply fumbled, meanwhile Splashtail is a cartoonishly evil atheist. I feel nothing towards him, he’s not intimidating or interesting or even funny. Save me Bonefall save me (if I got something wrong please ignore it, these books are so disappointing my brain is making me forget them to protect itself.)

If it helps at all, I'm staying sane with the observation that Hawkfrost is a high charisma character making critical failure rolls, while Splashtail is a cringefail loser with no stats rolling nat20s. He becomes 50% more sufferable when you imagine a long, pungent pause after anything he says, broken only by the sound of an offscreen player tossing some dice. When the silence is broken, it's whatever NPC has been charmed speaking in the beleaguered voice of the dungeon master.

SO my early thoughts are shaping up to be that I'd like to do a slightly more serious version of that.

BB!Splashtail is the Clan equivalent of a 19-year-old, desperate for more power and respect in his society. In terms of his stats, he's promising but not outstanding. A decent fighter, a competent leader. Even in terms of lineage; his father is Sneezecloud, a respected trader and negotiator, but his mother is Havenpelt. An ex-rogue who has sworn to live by the ways of RiverClan.

Curlfeather is the one with the plans. She's the one with vision. Daughter of Reedwhisker, grandchild of Mistystar, with grand leaders like Bluestar, Oakheart, and Crookedstar in her past, greatness runs in her blood. Scandal, too-- but for some reason it's acceptable that her great-grandparents were codebreaking traitors.

Splashtail hates Curlfeather, but he can't get anywhere unless he tries to be her. He steals HER plans. He acts like SHE does. Manages to snatch power from her paws, and then has no idea what to do with it.

I'm thinking that I want his reign to be going smoothly at first, actually, going from a bit of a bossy jerk, to trying to enact Curlfeather's ambitions by launching fights and doing it badly, to active tyranny as he tries to keep control over RiverClan. Depending on how Star goes, I might have Berryheart make some kind of move to seize power over him.

At the core of how I see him though, is that Splashtail has no plan. His ideology leans Thistle Law... in a sort of dumbass 4Channer kind of way. He talks a big game about the glory of battle, but folds fast when his enemy can punch back. The only person he could successfully manipulate was a traumatized child. He will bring back pureblooded glory to the Clan, except his personal family of course

As for the Evil Atheism stuff... lol. Lmao, even. Not needed. If I need to make him a more powerful and serious danger, it's not going to come from the fact he's godless. If being an atheist gave you super murder powers, Bill Nye would have used them to obliterate half of the US government by now.

Depending on how the last book of ASC goes,

The Harelight kill is probably going to get changed to Hallowflight. Harelight watches his dad die, and Splashstar is drenched in the blood of one of RiverClan's most famous heroes. No turning back after that.

On that note I'd also make the fight longer and bloodier. A butchery of an execution showcasing Splashtail fighting like a beast and Hallowflight like a trained warrior.

I REAALLY want to make Splashtail's death a drowning. Curlfeather, demon she is now, finishes him off by dragging him under. To protect her daughter. They will have to do something VERY satisfying for me to not do this.

[elliezlils11utt]

Bad idea - girl in red. (E.W)

content: You cant get your on & off ex, Ellie Williams, out of your head. So you decide to call her over.

song link: https://open.spotify.com/track/57j65yC2HggQfmYNc6rdOK?si=2416f86b42e84be8

warnings: nsfw, hate sex, angst, smut, mean!ellie, degration, reader is a hot shit mess. (me!) if i missed anything lemme know!

a/n: Im still sick asf and my phone is broken so ive kinda just been writing the past few days. this is not my best work, like at all. (its so bad) but the storyline is kinda interesting. (based on "bad idea"- girl in red)

proofread?: none of my work is ever proofread lmao.

You and Ellie had been broken up for a couple months now. But of course you had not been able to get her slick ass smile out of your head. She plagued your thoughts, being the only thing you could think of. She was the worst partner you could ever have. But, god was she ethereal. 

So when you sat at the edge of your bed with her image glued to the inside of your eyelids you picked up your phone. Was this a bad idea? Probably. Did you care? Nope. You sat there staring at the past messages. The fights, then the make up texts. Then more fucking fights. 

You squeezed your eyes shut. Contemplating the mistake you were about to make. Its like she was a fucking drug you were addicted too. You couldn't get enough of her, even If you tried. Which you really did this time. Really hard. This had been the longest you and Ellie had stayed apart. Ever. You always somehow ended up back with her. Ignoring the pleas of your family and friends to dump her ass for good this time. It was a bad idea, to think you could stop. Because now here you were, your phone up to your ear with Ellie on the other line. 

“Hey, ellie?” You stumble over your words. 

“Hey.” Fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Her voice.  

“Uh- um. What are you doing right now?” 

“Nothing.”

“Wanna come over? Like, for a smoke.” bad idea, bad idea, bad idea. 

What you can only assume is an amused chuckle muffles the phone line. “Sure.” 

“Kay, cool! Uh, see you soon?”

“Mhm.” 

The line ends abruptly. Oh fuck. Ellies coming over. Again. Fuck why did you do that? Your totally fucked now. You spend the following minutes pacing around your house. One little horny butt dial can turn into a series of bad decisions. You knew this. Yet Ellie is sitting across from u on your coach. Blunt in mouth, eyes on u. 

“You know, ive missed us.” she admits while passing the weed to you. You take a drag of the blunt, ignoring her blatant attempt to ‘win you back’ (it was working)

“Why did you call me over..?” 

“You want the truth?”

She just stares back at you with those droopy red eyes of hers. Those gorgeous fucking eyes that got you into this mess in the first place. 

“Im horny. and i missed you.” Smoking always makes the whole truth come out of you. Even if you didn't want it to. 

“Yeah?” There it is. That cocky lopsided smirk. 

“Yeah.” Blowing the smoke out of your mouth you lean closer to her. And she does the same. The tension makes the air thick and foggy. A competition to see who will break first. (that she always wins) and surly this time was no different. You close the gap between you two. Pressing your lips onto hers. She cups your face with her hands, desperately pulling you farther into her. She put her hands under your shirt. Undid your bra and said these words. “Darlin you're so pretty it hurts” breaking the kiss she pulls your shirt over your head. And threw your clothes down on the floor. Your brain goes numb. Allowing Ellie to take complete control. All you can think about is her lips on yours. Too busy thinking about the wet kisses trailing down your neck to worry about the consequence to this pleasure. 

She said “darling are you ready for more?” Her hands found your tits rubbing the fatty flesh in her hands while she kissed your collarbones. Her lips pecked kisses down your body. Her tattooed hand slipped down and into your painties, feeling your heat. her finger explored your slippery folds. You throw your head back while whimpers leave your mouth. She plunges a finger into your sopping cunt. “F- Fuck els” 

 “Yeah? You like that pretty girl? You missed my fingers, yeah?” 

You just nod repeatedly. Another finger finds its way into your cunt. Her digits curl into you relentlessly. 

“Words baby.” 

“Fuck els. Yes. y- yes.” You moan 

“Fucking slut.” she chuckles before returning her mouth onto your tit. Her tongue swirling around your pebbled bud and her fingers pumping in and out of your pussy makes your back arch. But you can't help but be pissed at yourself for letting her bring you this pleasure after the pain she caused you. This is wrong. You shouldn't be doing this.  “Fuck, fuck, fuck, ellie. Ellie stop.” you push her head away.

“What's wrong? I thought you wanted this.” 

“I do, I mean. At least I thought I did.” You quickly throw your shirt back on.

“I don't get it?”

“It was a bad idea, calling you up. I shouldn't have said anything. We are bad together ellie. I fucked up.” guilt rushes over you. You shouldn't have said anything. And that was the truth. You told yourself that you would never get back with Ellie again. Ever. You told yourself that you would never let ellie fuck you again. You told yourself that you wouldn't let Ellie get in your head again. “I need to be alone. Just, go? Please.” 

“Yeah alright. Call me when u wanna finish this, kay? Cause u always do” She says bluntly before rolling her eyes and leaving. A tear breaks free from your glossy eyes. Thats fucking problem. She thinks that you will call her again. Because ‘you always do.’ And she's not wrong. You always end up calling her again, Whenever u get lonely, or horny, or miss her. Who the fuck would miss Ellie, fucking, Williams? You. You miss her. Because you can't get enough. 

a/n: I apologize for this. :D

[ahgasegotarmy116]

He Doesn't Deserve You | A Jeon Jungkook Series | Chapter One

Summary: Life didn't turn out the way you wanted. You got the guy, and the job but everything else you had ever wanted has been crumbling around you. Pairing: Noona reader x Jeon Jungkook (She's 28 and he's 22) Word Count: 2.1k~ Warnings: yändere, manipulation, domestic violence, self harm, cheating, explicit language, hints at smut, angst, idk what else lol a/n: Ahh thank you so much for all of the love so far on the intro and even all the notes on the masterlist hehe. I'm really loving the direction this story is going in so I hope you guys will too! And thanks again to @kkusadmirer for the request!

Opening my laptop I pull up the most recent edit I had done on the next chapter I was working on. 

I'm a writer, not an incredibly famous one but a writer nonetheless. I make enough to get by and I'm able to work from home so that's all I ever really wanted. Just a silly girl, writing her silly stories, living her silly life. 

But unfortunately things don't always turn out the way you want them to. 

I thought I had it all, perfect grades and a perfect boyfriend with a loving family and a bright bright future. Now looking back at it all and seeing all of the stuff in the background that I somehow missed just makes me feel foolish.

How could I not notice Taehyung wondering eye? Why did I not listen to what my friends used to say about him? Why did I leave all of my friends behind for him? 

Being so wrapped up and so in love with him I didn't even notice the fact that my family was falling apart. My mom cheated on my dad and I never knew until they told me they were getting a divorce.

While my brother was struggling in high school while being around all of their screaming and fighting and finally got committed to a mental institution when he had a psychotic break.

I never knew anything about that. It's not like I didn't care, but I just never really reached out or gave them enough time to reach out to me. 

I was always like 'Oh Tae just got home I have to go' or 'Tae is expecting me so I need to get going'. My world has revolved around him for so long that my family and friends feel like strangers. 

How could I have been so stupid and neglected them, all for one guy?

The one that I wanted to build a future with and promised to do the same with me. Now here I am, 24 with student loans up to my neck and a sorry excuse for a marriage with a husband that is never home. 

I don't know what I managed to do in my past life that ended up royally fucking me up in this one but I'm sorry. Why couldn't I have done better so I would be saved from having my spirit broken and my heart ripped to shreds. 

The only positive thing is that this has given me is the inspiration to come up with an even more fucked up series of books that has been my only source of income for the past few years. 

Years, wow. 

Thinking about how much time has passed and how things went to shit so quickly helped me continue down this downward spiral and I don't know how to make it stop. Although the sound of keys jingling outside the front door is my rude awakening, my brain knowing I need to be conscious of what may happen next.

 I quickly wipe off the tears that I didn't even realized had started to fall and clear my throat. Moments later I'm met with the sight of Taehyung walking in wearing the same shirt I had seen him in yesterday but sports a brand new hickey near the collar, just barely noticeable but he makes no effort to hide it. 

"Y/n" I hear him call out, breaking me out of my train of thought. "Yes?" I question, hating that I've been caught off guard even though I was staring right at him. "I asked if we have anything to eat" he says, making his way over to the refrigerator, now going to see if he can answer his own question before I'm even given another second to speak up. 

"Um yeah I think there's some left over pizza from last night" I say and get up to walk towards him. "So how was work yesterday?" I ask tentatively, still not sure what kind of mood he's in. "Exhausting but it is what it is I guess" he says while stuffing his face full of a cold slice of pepperoni pizza. 

I turn to walk away while nodding my head, not bothering to ask anything else since it seems from his vague answers that he's not in the mood to talk. 

"Hey" he says, gently grabbing my wrist with the hand that wasn't occupied with the pizza, leaving me frozen in place. I know better than to walk away from him. Even if he's not mad at the moment doesn't mean that he won't be in the next. 

"Where are you running off to?" he asks pulling me close by that same wrist. Still doing so carefully but pressing on the bruises that he had left there from the last fight we had. 

He sees my slight look of discomfort and how my vision is trained on the wrist he's still holding and rolls up my sleeve, taking a quick look and seeing the evidence of his past transgressions.

"It left a mark huh?" he says examining the spot further and then bringing it up to his face where he places a few featherlight kisses on it, making a flash of heat run through my system when he looks back up at me with those eyes.

Those bedroom eyes that never fail to put me in a trance. He lifts his hand up towards my face and I flinch not knowing what to expect and see him stopping for a second, surprised by my reaction.

"Don't be afraid baby, it's just me" he says and keeps going, hooking his finger on the collar of my turtleneck to pull it to the side, no doubt searching for other marks. 

"There's marks here too. I guess it's a good thing you stay home. Don't want to have to make up excuses for those now would you?" he says tapping under my chin twice, a slight lilt in his tone, enjoying my clear discomfort in showing them to someone, even if it's the person that's caused them.

"What did you do today baby?" he asks, letting go of me and going back to grab a few other things out of the fridge to complete his meal. "Oh you know, just some writing" I say, trailing off and giving him the same answer that I've given him time and time again. 

"You almost done with it?" he questions, only really asking so he knows when my next big payday will be. 

I shake my head "No, not yet. I think I'm only about halfway though" I say, giving simple answers to his simple questions. "Well you better get it out soon. I bet your readers are dying to know what happens next" he says giving me a quick wink before taking everything he has in his hands and carrying it over to the couch. 

"Do you think you could grab me a beer?" he asks, but I know it's more of a courtesy than anything phrasing it like I actually had an option. I respond with a quiet yeah and bring it over to him, placing it on the coffee table. 

"Thanks babe" he says and grabs a ahold of my hand and angles his head up, clearly asking for a kiss to which I oblige. Again something I don't really have an option in doing. "I missed you" he says and rubs his nose against mine cutely, or at least it used to be cute. Now it just makes me sad thinking of all of those times when we were happy.

"Are you gonna watch the game with me?" this time giving me something that I actually have a choice in. "I think I've got some more writing I'd like to do" I say and he nods his head not even bothering to look at me or give me a verbal sign of acknowledgment before turning on said game and slumping back into the couch to watch. 

I walk over to my desk that happens to unfortunately be in the living room so I'm forced to grab my headphones to drown out the sound so I can hopefully get another chapter or two in before I call it a night. 

~~~~~~

"Baby" I hear him call for me through my headphones after some time, that's something that I've had to fine tune. Making sure I can hear him when he talks to me no matter what so it's one less thing I have to worry about him getting upset about. 

I pull out my headphones and turn my attention towards him, half expecting him to ask me to get him a beer. "Yes?" I reply, waiting to see what he needs. "Come here" he says holding his hand out to me and spreading his legs, showing me where he wants me. 

I get up and walk towards him, straddling him once I get close enough and putting my arms around his neck. "Hi" he says in a deep voice sending a shockwave through my nervous system. "Hi" I respond quietly, intimidated at the thought of what he might do next. "How was the game?" I ask tentatively, hoping for my own sake that there was a favorable result. 

"We won" he says, mindlessly tracing his hands up and down my curves. "How's your book?" he asks leaning into my neck, placing kisses over the bruises he had noticed from before. "

It's going" I whisper, starting to feel breathless from his warm breath fanning the sensitive parts of my skin. "Ready for a break?" he asks, question laced with a mischievous tone. I hum in acknowledgment, tilting my head to the side so he can have his fun.

~~~~~~

"I'm gonna head out but I'll be back later" Taehyung says while getting dressed with me still laying there with only a sheet to cover my body. "You're leaving?" I question, knowing he just said that but hoping he'll give me some sort of explanation.

"The guys wanted to meet up for a couple of drinks to talk about the game. Get some rest okay? I'll be back in a few hours" he says planting a soft kiss on my lips and one on my forehead. 

I nod as he pulls the comforter over me as well, starting to already to drift off to sleep. "Stay safe" I mumble and flip over to the other side to try and get more comfortable.

He looks down at me for a second and chuckles at my fucked out and sleepy state before walking out of our bedroom and soon I'm left with the sound of him closing and locking the door behind him. 

Although this night was bittersweet I'm thankful that it ended up like this. He's not a selfish lover when it comes to sex so I'm always left sleepy and satisfied except for the times that he's more rough, rough is putting it lightly so I guess I should say when he's more violent. 

I hate thinking about those nights and I refuse to let those dark thoughts cloud this physical euphoric feeling I have but I can't help but worry about what he might actually be going out to do.

 Would having a drink with the guys really make him want to leave his naked and freshly fucked wife alone in his bed? I just don't get it. If he's already been with me tonight could there be a possibility that he would wake up in another woman's bed and leave me waking up alone again tomorrow?

There's no use worrying about it though. It's not like it hasn't happened before, but why do I always let it get to me? Yes he's my husband but our marriage isn't like other ones in anyway shape or form. I'm here when he wants or needs me and that's it. I'm not allowed to want or need him because I'm just left disappointed every single time.

He doesn't love me, he just loves what I can give him and I need to come to terms with that. But it's nights like these where he's gentle and whispers sweet nothings in my ear that make me second guess things. 

Maybe he's changed? Maybe he's realized what actually matters? And maybe I'm just getting my hopes up. I can't keep lying to myself but I don't know what else to do. I feel alone most days but these little glimmers of hope are what keep me holding on and unfortunately that's all I have left. 

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[doodler16]

sinsmas is a fun episode to me honestly, but the way they try to gaslight the audience into thinking that cheating is fine as long as youre doing it at the expense of your abusive partner is, regardless of how your kids feel, even supporting the idea they should just roll with it, is.. i hate it? and in stoliz's case, its not even, "stolas cheated on stella with blitz and the two made this family together out of the broken pieces left with their kids," like the humans did. (which realistically probably wouldnt work out, and only does because karen is dead and the daughters arent actual characters with agency like the majority of vivs female characters,) its, "stolas felt so unwanted his entire life because of this arranged marriage that, when his ""first ever friend"" fucked him and stole the grimorie the morning after, his immediate reaction was NOT to get him an asmodean crystal so the two could continue to fuck consensually, without hurting his daughters birthright, but to instead FORCE his ""first ever friend"" while he was literally fighting for his life into having sex once a month for usage to said birthright, that is the entire REASON he had a daughter he didnt want, willingly putting the grimorie in the hands of someone else every month 99% of the time, so he could MAKE that person FUCK HIM because he was a sad innocent uwu boi who never knew what twue wove is and that was totally all he wanted all along!" actually, im just a big dumb idiot, this is fine, and not fucked up at all. i should just turn my brain off so i can buy 69 more stoliz plushies, pins, and shirts from shark robot dot com that i can shove up my anus and shit out - the money im given by the go fund me i set up due to the following anal prolapse it causes, will go directly to viviene "dont say yes until im finished talking" mendrano's disneyland, taxidermy peacock, and kfc in japan budget! just like that queer, totally not white passing, totally not having a history of edgy bigotedness even up into 2023, totally doesnt have a rape fetish, totally not someone who has a pattern of using people and spitting them out, DESERVES to have! :D

In hindsight, I do wish the episode was mainly about IMP and them focusing on their sins. Like how Millie and Moxxie do wrath related things, Loona does gluttony with her friends, etc. Majority of the episode was just Vivziepop gaslighting the audience and the demonizing a woman who is upset she got the short end of the stick.

That first friend/circus episode was so dumb. Not only does it make Stolas and Stoliz look worse in comparison. The two never acknowledge what happened at the mansion at all except when Blitzø attempts to steal the grimoire. Stolas and Blitzø aren’t even friends like Vivziepop wants to imply and milk in the merch. Blitzø was literally Stolas’ temporary slave, forced to hang out with him then the two went their separate ways.

Yes, Anon we should definitely turn our brain off- no we should remove them completely and ignore how messy the plot is, the lack of world building in this story, how one-note and neglected the female characters are, etc. 😔 It’s all about Stoliz

[voidcxltist]

The broken family, a small one take fanfic!

This fanfic was written all on a shot, which means

- No corrections

- No second thought

- Doing it in limit time

So consider it can and WILL be bad :']

What the FUCK were you were thinking of, Leshy?! - Shamura snaps, looking furiously at the small child tht was on front of them,

The attack of Narinder had left several marks, and the plan of sealing them was working out nicely and fine... Well, that until the smallest of them all snapped at the cat, breaking his chain, and letting one of his enormous hands free to hold himself and try to escape from the torture was ahead

It wasn't MY fault! You said we should defense ourselves, SO I DID! - Leshy snaps, taking a dangeroums step to the spider bishop, his claw-like nails starting to peek on admist the leafed hand

We should just calm down! - Kallamar says in a concerned voice, taking a step to the middle, while Heket, who couldn't takk by the moment because of her crown beign slightly damaged on the previous fight, taking a step too

This is NOT what we agreed! You chained his arm, I chained the other, Heket and Kallamar did with the neck, and we pulled down within the count of three! And I'm the brain damaged one! - Shamura says in a stern tone

You're not making this any brtter! - Kallamar mutters, as Leshy was taking the final step to face his oldest silibing

The dreadful silence set in, as the four bishops, before a joined family, had the first dight out of a big push and shove of the different members. Heket festured Shamura to calm down as she took their hand and walked to the left, and Leshy did relucantly so, with Kallamar holding his hand, to the opposite side.

The splitting of the family left a huge scar, that, by now day, the poor group of former gods, were still doing truces and punches

Whethecer the thing was, Shamura and Heket would always end up having an argue with Kallamar and Leshy, by how they didn't accepted jot forgiving Narinder was stubborn, and how they were egoist, and as for the side of the fourth and the first, argued back they couldn't forget

Leshy? Decided to call Narinder "a thing", with the purpose of deattaching himself from empathizing and thinking he was a feeling, sentient cat

Heket? Daily giving a fight with Leshy, despite her care for him

Shamura? They were by now, busy with finding how to declare their love to another certain.... someone in the cult. Matter of fact, it's another story

Kallamar? Too tired with trying to convice Shamura it was senseless to support Narinder

And Narinder?

Do they really hate me? Am i that bad? - He questions to his lover and confident, Abel, as he clutches on his knees and covers his teary eyes with his paws, patethic, if Leshy said these words

It's just matter of time - Abel reassures, as he seemed to be also concerned about how his family was previously shattered for some silly reason as reviving adepts for showing his silibings love(?)

Anyways, it would take a long time. One that, maybe, won't dare to tell how much.

This is crappy as fuck HAHAHA

Hope y'all like it!

Took me: 10 minutes around

[moonlight-prose]

Tommy Miller. Please hit me with all the psychoanalyzing/breaking his ass down you've got because you're the queen of writing him imo. I'm ready 🍿

(thank you! 💖)

tommy miller thoughts & musings

note: the queen???? you're so fucking sweet my darling raven. i have been saving this for when the brain rot returns, but i have to be honest - the brain rot for this man never leaves. so here we go!

There's never been a man more devoted to the concept of love - even if it's muddled in his mind. He treasures his family. He'd die for them. That fact remained true the day he turned sixteen and realized how Joel stepped in.

How he helped in making sure the little brother who followed him around everywhere (both in awe and to be a constant annoyance) become the man he was today. Joel Miller. The legend he one day hoped to make proud.

The fact of death - of family and love - hardened in his mind in time with his heart. Something broke the night Sarah died. Fractured his soul at the sight of his big brother - his hero - lying in the blood of his niece, begging for her to live.

The imaginary concept of dying for his family...now suddenly a reality.

Tommy Miller is a man who uses humor to hide the dying light in his brown eyes. He's the first to offer a smile, a helping hand, the promise of hope. Because what little remained in his mind was barely enough for him. Yet he gave it away without question.

The lessons of his big brother live in his mind - a tether to the life he once had. This is his commandment; the rules he's set for himself to keep a piece of the old Tommy alive. Though the world may have gone to shit, he refused to go down with it. Even as Joel and him committed atrocities - destroyed the humanity in their souls - he fought to keep himself in tact.

Tommy Miller is a man who is scared of so much yet keeps it to himself. What's the fucking point of making a spectacle of his fears? Who would care to listen? He'd been on this shattered road for so long he forgot that he was human. That he deserved light and love and a chance to redeem the sins of his past.

He's afraid of dying.

He's reminded of it every day he opens his eyes.

But he won't reveal the real horror that is buried in the depths of his heart. The darkness he hates with a bitterness on his tongue. Oh how he wished he could spit it out like tobacco. Cleanse himself in the River Styx and resurface anew.

Tommy Miller is a man who is is afraid of dying.

Tommy Miller is a man who wants to die.

Tommy Miller...is a man who wants to love and be loved in the horrendous tumultuous landscape of hell he's found himself in.

He cares with his entire body. Loves with every part of his heart and soul. He gives and gives and gives, hoping that it would be enough to suffice for the broken parts of a hollow man. If you look close - inspect the makeup of who he is - you'd see the pain.

You'd catch a glimpse of the mania behind the curtain.

So he offers himself up on a silver platter (everything he believes you want) to deter you from pushing down the wall holding him together. He begs for more, silently fighting against the ache of need that sprouts deep. Yet assures you that he's fine. He's okay.

He's alive.

That's what he wants.

And that would have to be enough; knowing that to ask for more in this world, was to dip himself in the greed he knew couldn't be appeased.

Tommy Miller.

A man who gave the world too much. Yet managed to smile in spite of his grief.

[southparkhcsocs]

Can say me which OC is Which? I know which is Veronica, but I wanna know other names xD

Okay! Forgive the old pictures I'm at work. When I made my oc's they were in college so I'll be going off that.

I ADDED VERONICA CAUSE TURNS OUT I WENT OFF LOL

Samantha Ronson

She's about 5'6" and her father is the head of Irish Mafia in South park! And her mum is a trophy wife that's had a LOT of work done. She's an only child with a lot of money, so she it actually quite close with Tolkien! Her daddy paid for her college. LEGALLY! (Samantha knows what her dad does for a living, she doesn't condone it but it's gotten her out of a lot of trouble so she don't contest it) she's studying business

Sophia Wright

Another 5'6"er! Her Father and Mother own a restaurant! She is the youngest of 4, but is also a twin! Her older brother died of a brain tumour... She was the top of her classes and got a full scholarship to college. Her family are very supportive and are all good willed. They don't have much money due to still having to pay off her deceased brother's medical bills. She's studying to become a doctor! (Neuroscience!)

Luci (Lucifer) Helios

She's a tall babe at 5'10". She is very low contact with her family. Her parents never had a stable job and they lived in a bus. Her parents were young, they had her older brother when they were 15/16. Luci hates her name :) she got a partial scholarship for college and is working part time at a biker bar to help pay bills. Her parents didn't want her to go to college and were disappointed she left and still try and get her to drop out. She lost her finger from a accident with her brother. She's studying Phycology.

Ellie Jason

Ellie is 5'9"! Her family is very.... Broken and merged? Her mother is a hair dresser. her father WFH doing free lance IT work. Her step father owns a private car hire. Her mother left her father after her younger sister was born to be with her stepdad and had her youngest sister. Her younger sister didn't not forgive her mother for that and is LC. Ellie is close to her mother and likes her step father though! Her bio dad lives in her mum's garage. Ellie's mum paid for her college education but didn't pay for her younger sisters because of the LC which then strained Ellie's and her sisters relationship. She's studying veterinary science.

Veronica Harris

She's 5'3" (yes I made her shorter, fight me) Her father works as a site manager for a private industrial company. Her brother flunked out of college and works part time at tweek bros. She only has her Father and Brother after her mother ended her life. She doesn't really have a close relationship with either which makes Veronica long for friendships and approval! She got a partial scholarship for college and her Dad paid for the other half. She's studying Law!

[thepointofme]

saw a cherik edit with silver springs by fleetwood mac yesterday and it feels like it has opened a hole inside my brain because yes!!!! time WILL cast a spell on you erik!!!! and you won't forget charles!!! i always think its hilarious how they call each other "my friend" "old friend" left and right and then proceed to have the least platonic relationship EVER but their friendship is so essential!!! like charles is the first person outside of his family that erik learns to know and care about (at least in the movies) charles was there, not just his first friend but his first MUTAN friend!!!! the amount of respect he holds for him even tho he doesn't agree with his opinions and world's views, how charles probably has a special place alongside his mom in erik's memories because he loves him so much. that scene in days of future past where erik is like "all those years fighting against each other, charles. to have a precious of them back." charles was ALWAYS there in the back of his mind, the only person he loves that's still alive, that nothing or no one could make him stop loving him even tho erik himself doesn't believe he has the ability to love or at least to love something or someone without breaking and ruining them because he thinks he's inherently bad. he's full of anger because he's full of grief and charles is this constant reminder of how he CAN, in fact, still love even after everything that happened to him, and it probably terrifies him down to his bones. idk im just having an erik brainrot thinking about how in the movies cherik has spent more time away from each other than together. how they're so silly and were always trying to force the other in their own way instead of meeting each other in the middle, because at the end of the day they're just two different (and extreme) sides of the same coin, they do want The Same Thing!!!! but are too proud and stubborn to admit the other might have a point. and in the middle of all of this, the frustration erik feels because no matter how much he tries to pull charles away, to hurt him with his words and actions, charles is STILL THERE for him. he hates the way erik does things and feels so angry and frustrated all the time they're in the same place but there's nothing erik can do that would ever question charles' love for him. its just there. unshakeable and unbreakable. timeless. and erik doesn't understand how someone so broken and flawed like himself can be loved like this. that whole thing about him having to use his helmet so he wouldn't feel the unconditional love charles has for him makes me SICK to my stomach. they love each other so much and wasted so much time fighting with each other instead of fighting together side by side for their people.

[det-loki]

the unraveling (poison and wine blurb)

detective loki x reader

tw: blood, vomit, gore, angst, suicide ideation.

POISON AND WINE MASTERLIST

The air was still stinging with gunpowder, the buzz still in your ears. You watched the man drop above you, watched as blood began to pool. The sudden disappearance of his weight on top of you sent air crashing into your lungs, too soon it hurt.

You hauled yourself to your feel, snot and blood dribbling down your face, your brain buzzing as you targeted Loki, who had just now lowered his gun, eyes blown. Your throat was raw before you even began screaming, "You motherfucker! Why did you shoot? Huh? We had him! I had him! You fucking shot him!"

Your finger jabbed into Loki's chest like a knife, your face hot and angry, veins threatening to burst, "We had him! He was talking! He was telling me where she was. I had her. I had her! You motherfucker!"

Loki took your words silently, unmoving and stoic. He let you scream at him, poke him, demean him. He could see the suspect over your shoulder laying on the floor, the pool of blood getting larger and darker. It's when you started babbling and choking on your words that he stopped you. You weren't an angry detective anymore, you were spiraling into chaos, a broken mother.

Loki took your shoulders into his hands, leaning to meet your eyes, bring you back down to earth, "Hey, Hey. Stop. Stop. You need to stop. I know, okay. I know. Stop."

Pained sobs ripped through you, heaving and fighting for purchase in your bones, "No. She's gone now. Gone! You fucking shot the only guy that knew where she was! I had him. I had him and you didn't trust me. You don't trust me anymore."

"I do trust you. He was on top of you, with a gun pointed at your head. Do you not remember that?" Loki hardened his grip around your arms, blunt nails digging into the back of your blood soaked arms.

You shook your head wildly, "You don't trust me. You don't. You watch my every move, you never let me do my job. You're breathing down my fucking neck! Ever since Mag- ever since her, you don't fucking trust me. I was gone for a second. A second. I hate myself. Loki. I hate myself. I could have found her, if you had let me go. We can find this little girl."

He was going to kill you! I do fucking trust you, don't you ever say that I don't again! I don't blame you for what happened, I never have and I never will. You're the only one that thinks that. You blame yourself. But he was going to kill you today"

"You should have let him."

"What?" Your words felt like a punch to the gut for Loki. You were the ratty girl he met at the fence line of the Huntington Boy's Home, the one who stole menthol cigarettes for him. You, who held him when it all go to be too much, the debilitating panic attacks that had him on his knees as he prayed, begged and pleaded to a God he didn't believe in. You were his salvation. You were the mother of his child.

You swallowed hard, a sudden calm, "You should have let him kill me. Let me go. Let me with her. I deserve to be with her. I'm her mother."

Police deputies flooded the scene, a paramedic turning you away from Loki to examine you. Harsh reality returned as you were escorted to an ambulance, passing Loki who was giving his statement on what had just occurred. The kidnapped girl was found that evening, returned safe to her family before you were even discharged from the hospital.

You were on administrative leave for two weeks. Loki was on sick leave for eight days, watching you sleep, making you food and unraveling every gnarled, knotted thread in your head that threatened to take you from him. He held you as you screamed and cried into his shirt, held back your hair when the guilt became too much, your stomach rolling in waves of vomit and nasuea. You shook in your sleep, Loki always having a steady hand on your back and you tossed and turned.

You were Loki's salvation and he was your prayer.

[winterwandersland]

Paperwork

tw/cw: slight bickering, it was cute TO ME, coping with humor word count: 4.7k An extension of the previous chapter: “But I promise you, after this mission, I’m done. I’ll come home. I won’t miss a single night next to you. I’ll cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. I’ll tuck Ellie in every night. I’ll even help her with the stupid homework you give her–,” Simon and Kamara settle on a deal.

Chapter Two Point Five

The more Simon spoke, the more he felt the once sobbing woman start to relax, her shoulders less tense and her breathing steadier, the tightness she caused around his waist becoming looser. Kamara knew his added cheeky comments meant he wasn’t too mad about the argument, at least not anymore, so she figured she shouldn’t be either. “Hey! I have to give her the most realistic school experience I can. Plus, I gotta know she understands the lessons.”

  Her languid response put Simon at more ease, though he wondered if he could hold up his end of the deal. Nobody knew what was on the flash drive. What he would assume would only be a few weeks may turn into months, even years, but he kept his hopes high. He wanted nothing more than to be home with his family, able to enjoy a life that not many people in his field were able to experience. “Yea, yea. I always hated that stuff. I’m sure she likes it no more than you did.”

  “Well, my homework was usually an assassination or making sure I knew how to put a bullet in someone’s brain without crying. Most of the time I failed.” She released herself from Simon’s embrace after she felt his chest moving and a quiet, but audible snort. He was laughing—well, chuckling.

  The bottom half of her face beamed, her lips quirked up, while the rest of her face crinkled, unable to find the source of Simon’s laughter. “It’s not funny.”

It seemed almost uncontrollable, Simon’s laughter becoming louder as the moments went by. After so long, Kamara thought this was the part where he lost it. He would tell her how pathetic she was for wanting him back. That he never actually loved her or Ellie and that he would never come back. Her smile dropped, her heart racing in her chest. “I think I’ve missed the part where a joke was told.”

  He was finally able to gather the breath to respond, “No, no. There’s no joke. It’s you, love.” There it is. It was coming. This is the part where she gets her heart broken again, except this time it would be shattered into a million pieces that could never be put together again. She would be left alone with Ellie, having to explain why her father left them. She would have to tell her how it wasn’t her fault, but her own, taking the blame just like she did everything else.

  “I’m a joke to you?” Simon could hear the shakiness of his love’s voice, it lowering into a subtle tone, fighting the tears that threatened to break past her eyes. He halted his laughter to the best of his ability, his hand on his chest to try to steady himself. “No, no. That’s not what I said. You love putting words in my mouth.” Hopefully, she didn’t take what he said to heart.

  “Shut up,” she quipped, immediately crossing her arms over her chest. Simon could do nothing but smile, leaning his body against the desk and crossing his legs, using his arms to hold his weight. “It’s just…you were brought up and taught to kill people. Have no remorse. No thought before taking a life, and yet here you are and all you want in life is for me to come home.”

  All the tension that built in Kamara’s chest had gone away, fading into nothing and being replaced with that familiar warmth she felt whenever Simon was around. “Well, that’s not the only thing I want in life. I also want–.”

  “To have a farm out in the country, far away that folk won’t be botherin’ you, but close enough that you all still know each other and can buy from each other’s farms.” Country life had only come up a handful of times in their conversations, but it made her heart flutter that Simon seemed to remember the details she had shared, most of which she said in a joking manner, but deep down it was what she longed for.

  “You wanna live in a farmhouse, not a cottage, ‘cause the cottage roofs are too low and you don't want me banging my head. You don’t wanna kill the animals, but you know you’ll have to at some point. Only, I’ll handle that bit, so the animals don’t think you’ve betrayed ‘em, and they’ll believe you still love ‘em. If they die thinking you still love ‘em, the meat’ll taste better, and folk’ll buy more of it.” He was quoting her, almost word for word, every detail she had said about her dream life. Most of the time, they laughed about it, so she thought he would have received it as a joke about how ridiculous her dream and beliefs may sound. Soldiers don’t get to live a peaceful country life.

  Kamara opened her mouth to speak, but she wasn’t fast enough to spit out any words, so Simon spoke instead, “Oh, and let’s not forget there has to be a gigantic tree so you can climb up and read your books. And, of course, we can’t forget the beekeeping business for that free honey. And last but not least, the house needs two big dogs to protect the kids from any lurkers on the farm, even though I reckon the Special Forces dad and the mum, who’s ex-Red Room but ‘not a Widow’, would do the job just fine.” The intense look he gave her sent butterflies fluttering in her stomach. It was the same look he had given her the first day they had a conversation. His brown eyes were full of endearment, making his love known without having to say the famous three words.

  “Yeah…they would…but unfortunately, some people will run away from a dog before they will run from people. Dogs also can sense danger from further away…they run faster…they can play with the kids when we’re busy…they–,

  “Alright, I got it.” There was that roll of his eyes, again, except this time it was playful, no ill intent behind the action. “I didn’t even get to tell you about what kind of dogs I want.”

  “Malinois and Rottweiler. But sometimes you reckon a Doberman or Pitbull instead of the Rottweiler, which then turns into "we should get all four”. Observant and a listener, that’s what Simon was. If he could spend his days listening to his wife talk about what she loved and what she wanted all day, he would, and he wouldn’t hesitate to get her anything her heart desired. Sometimes, she wished her quiet husband would speak more because she felt like she spoke too much. Simon was a man of few words, but each of his words held meaning. When he did speak more than usual, it was something that meant a lot to him or something that had sat heavily on his mind. There were times he would speak until she fell asleep, knowing she was already tired, because he wanted her to hear his voice in her dreams, and she loved every minute of it. After their failed mission, he did it because he wanted her to hear his voice in her nightmares, guiding her back to safety. He never found out if his theory was proven correct.

  “Wouldn’t hurt to have more protection.” The one part of the dream that was never consistent was the kind of dog Kamara wanted. Simon found her indecisiveness on the matter hilarious since he felt they didn’t need dogs for protection. He’d be the protection dog all day if that’s what his missus wanted.

  “That’s more shit to clean up.” It was one reason that Simon didn’t want the dogs: he would be responsible for the large piles of shit. There was no way he would let his wife or daughter clean it up. It almost seemed disrespectful to him.

  “I’m sure you wouldn’t mind.” He could hear her soft chuckle under her smile, the first real one he had seen in a long time. “You know what—,” he said, pulling Kamara into a playful embrace, making sure he didn’t touch anywhere on her body that seemed too intimate so he wouldn’t startle her. He loosely wrapped his arm around the back of her neck, which brought her closer to his chest. She played along, holding onto his large arm and attempting to find her way out, but it turned into an actual struggle when her laughing hindered her limbs’ ability to use even half of her strength.

  The two fumbled around, their laughter filling the small enclosure of the room. When Simon decided Kamara had had enough of the roughhousing, he loosened his grip more, allowing her to fully stand up straight. “I wouldn’t mind any of it as long as you and Ellie are there. I’d clean up a thousand pounds of shit if that means you two are happy,” he briefly paused and got closer to her ear, and facetiously said, “As long as you know you're cleaning the other animal shit.”

  “Hey!” She released herself from his hold and playfully pushed him, it having no effect on his balance. “Hey,” he mocked, earning him a stern but gentle smack to the chest, which he ignored and returned with a kiss to the top of Kamara’s head. “Part of love is keeping the animals clean. If I do it, then they’ll know someone who knows them betrayed them and not a random stranger from four farms down. We won’t sell any meat.” He was continuing with the narrative, using it as an excuse to not have to be responsible for the mounds of dung that would come with owning a farm.

  “Fine, but you clean the horse stables, shit included,” she said, her smile never leaving her face. Simon eased his weight back on the table, back to the same cross-legged position he was in before, returning his gaze full of admiration onto Kamara, sending jolts through her body, the only electrifying feeling she enjoyed.

  “Deal,” Simon said, extending his arm to show all his fingers balled up, except for his pinky. “Simon Riley…a pinky promise? Really?”

  “You do them all the time.” It was a quirk of hers that Simon both loved and hated. Pinky promises were for children, not for adults. “Because I know I won’t break them.”

  “When have I ever broken a pinky promise?” What he was implying was simple: he may have broken verbal promises—unintentionally, of course—but a pinky promise? Never, no matter how much he hated them.

  “Alright,” she said, extending her pinky out, but she quickly drew it back, taking Simon by surprise. The fuck? That was new. His head cocked to the side just as fast as Kamara drew her hand back. She wasn’t one to turn down a pinky promise, treating them like a signed contract. “But you also have to add that you promise this will be your last mission. You’ll resign. You will come home, and you won’t come back here.” Ah. There it is. If there was one thing about his wife, she was going to ensure that the contract covered every detail, making sure that each term was understood and agreed upon.

  It was a big commitment and a huge promise to make, but his family was more important, so it didn’t take much thought to make his decision. “Fine.” He extended his pinky finger back out, confident of his choice, also making a conscious promise to himself that he would do everything he could to keep it, but he doubted his decision once Kamara drew her hand back, again, just as fast as she did the first time.

  “Aht. Uncross your legs and hold your other hand out in front of you, fully spread! And you better not be crossing any toes! Swear it!” Girl. Pinky promises had many requirements, including making sure there were no crossed body parts, and all unrevealed parts had to be sworn to not be crossed. If the rules were broken, all trust would be lost, though that’s in the fine print of the contract, the part that is there but is not read over. It’s more for you to read between the lines and on your own, choosing to follow them if you want to, the undiscussed rules and consequences.

  He did as he was told, uncrossing his legs into a rest stance, and putting his other hand out, but instead of holding it in the air as instructed, he placed it on Kamara’s chest who was, technically, in front of him—the rules were not specific, able to be bent if you worked them right. Her body lightly shuddered, and she closed her eyes, trying to chase away the thoughts that ran through her mind.

  “Sorry,” he said, swiftly moving his hand away, settling for the space beside her to extend his hand instead, but she grabbed his hand back to move it to its original position. “No, it’s fine. Gotta start somewhere, right?” She held her hand on top of his and wrapped it around as much of his hand as she could, keeping it from moving, a burst of warmth shooting through his body, his heart a million beats an hour like it was the first time he had felt her touch. Since they escaped their captors, Kamara had been the one to initiate most of their physical contact, only allowing him to initiate any touch when she needed comfort.

  Never had Simon been the one to initiate a pinky promise. He thought it was silly, but pinky promises were very important to the woman, so he made sure he never broke them. He had made a few verbal promises in the past, usually saying he’d come home when he was supposed to, but he learned to just promise he’d do everything he could to make it home. That was a promise he knew he could keep, so even in death, his family knew he tried his hardest to get back to them.

  “I swear it.” They locked pinkies, sealing the deal, Simon placing his habitual and mandatory—to him, at least—kiss on Kamara’s forehead. This was an action he added to the pinky promises, believing them to make the promise more concrete. It also made the agreement more intimate, and one was less likely to break the contract if there was intimacy involved.

  The deal was finally sealed and locked in place forever, giving both parties some satisfaction. “Give me a few hours to do the decryption.” She was shaky, the confidence in her words trying to mask how afraid she was.

  “The others gave it a go for at least a week. They couldn’t manage it.” Everyone the 141 contacted walked away with nothing but tears, the encryption too complex for even the brightest of the military cyber operations. There was only one that made any progress, but even she bypassed less than twenty percent of the encryption, stating it was the hardest one she had ever encountered. “I thought you brought me here because I wasn’t like the others.”

  Kamara wasn’t like the others. She was his wife and one of the best operators in the forces, no matter how many write-ups she received. “You’re completely right. And you’re not. You’re way better…and hotter.”

  “Eugh, Simon, you know I hate that word.” There was a strain of words that Kamara hated when used in a certain context. A stove can be hot. It can be hot outside. But a person cannot be hot unless they mean temperature.

  “You Americans say it.” Simon had worked with many nationalities during his time in the military, Americans being one of the major ones. In Special Forces, there were commonly joint tasks with different operators nationwide, so Simon had picked up a few slang words during his time around his differing comrades.

  “Which Americans are you hanging around? ‘Cause you definitely didn’t hear it from me. My people don’t say that.” Nowadays, Kamara and Ellie were one of the few Americans Simon was around, but Ellie picked up on the language dialect Kamara had, only using Simon’s when she was poking fun at him. Second in line was Laswell, the Station Chief, who supervised and organized all their missions.

  “Your people? I’ve heard loads of Americans say it.”

  “Not what I meant by ‘my people’, but alright,” she said as she sat at the computer that was earlier abandoned once she saw what was on it. Kamara and Simon always knew their cultural differences, their relationship being a learning curve in the beginning. Neither of them minded it, but it sometimes struck a nerve in some passing civilians or even some soldiers on base, but they looked past it, making sure what others thought didn’t hinder their relationship, especially considering it was their life not others’.

  Kamara, though, was always one to poke fun, using her humor to hide the discomfort and dehumanization she sometimes felt from the outside world. When she first did it, Simon was taken aback, unsure of what to say, but over the years he had grown accustomed to it, finding himself chuckling at some of her jokes which she often replied with, “What are you laughin’ for? It’s not funny.”

  From the corner of her eye, she could see an object come flying in her direction, so she leaned back in her seat, watching it whip past her face and back, smelling a stench that it left behind. Her body faced Simon to find the culprit gripped in his hand: the infamous hand towel.

  “Ew, I don’t want your sweat on me.” Soldiers were given hand towels as part of their sanitary bags, but some kept one on them for makeshift tourniquets, wiping off sweat when they were working in severely heated areas, sometimes having to ration their water supply and drinking their sweat that accumulated onto the towels. Kamara found it disgusting, but she understood the instincts of survival while on a mission..

  “Why not? Is it ‘cause you hate me?” It was evident that no matter how many laughs that Simon let out, Kamara’s previous comments still affected him, even if he knew she didn’t mean it and was only speaking out of pure rage.

  “I didn’t mean it.” She really didn’t. Her words slipped out of her mouth faster than she could process them. Being with Simon brought about so many differing emotions within her and she was still learning how to control them, especially since she used to get away with almost anything on previous teams, but Simon wasn’t a team, he was her husband, her lover, and her best friend.

  “Prove it.”

  “Huh?” Usually, Simon pushed for an apology, but any forced apology that came out of Kamara’s mouth sounded like a sarcastic way to get the other person to shut up, even if she didn’t mean for it to sound like that. Kamara didn’t do well with authority, any given directions she commonly disobeyed or followed, but in her own way. If she was told to complete a task, she would complete it, but not how her superiors wanted, and she knew that, but that didn’t stop her from pushing any buttons, even when she didn’t intend to.

Now, Simon learned that to get her to follow directions, she had to go about it on her own accord and to her own will, but he wouldn’t dare share that information with anyone who oversaw her. It would make her interactions with superiors less comical, which meant he would be less entertained. Everyone needed a source of entertainment, especially in war.

“Prove it. Come and touch the cloth.”

“Simon, there’s an ungodly amount of sweat and dirt on that thing and lord knows you probably haven’t washed it in years. It’s got holes in it.” It didn’t matter how many times Kamara had advised Simon to use one of the newer towel cloths they were given, Simon was insistent that he wouldn’t change his cloth until it was a speck of dust and no longer useful; he was sticking to his word.

  “Not true.” Kamara gave him that look, the one that communicated everything he needed to know without exchanging words. You sure about that?

  “Only been a few months.”

  “Simon, ew. Don’t you dare touch me with that thing!”

  “Just say you’re sorry for saying you hate me!” Angry was an overstatement of how Simon was feeling. In reality, he actually just wanted to play around with Kamara, but he still felt slighted, even if it was just a bit, so he did what worked best for Kamara: making a serious situation unserious.

  “I did!”

  “You didn’t! You said you didn’t mean it. That’s not a proper apology.” While his voice was not stern enough to be taken seriously, he still got his point across. Though he was lighthearted, he was addressing the serious matter in an attempt to get Kamara to understand the weight of her actions.

  Simon went closer to Kamara, sending her further back into the chair as she held his wrist to keep him from putting the towel any closer to her, let alone her face. “Okay! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

  “For what?”

  “You didn’t say I had to say allat!”

  He tried to swat it at her again, but she dodged it, falling out of the chair. She thought Simon would help her up, but instead, he swatted the cloth at her again, and she managed to maneuver out of the way, getting up and running to the other end of the room.

  “All this just ‘cause you don’t wanna touch the towel? It’s not that bad.”

  “To you! Si, that thing is so gross! It’s practically a science experiment.”

  “You had one just like it!”

  “That I cleaned on a weekly basis…biweekly if it was a busy month. And mine didn’t have holes and didn’t smell like the entire unit wiped their sweaty balls with it.”

  “All you need to do is elaborate to give a proper apology and it won’t bother you. It’s as simple as that.”

  “I have already apologized!” Forcing apologies out of Kamara was no good, but in getting her to understand she needed to apologize was a step closer to an actual apology, even if the first one wasn’t as meaningful.

  “I said ‘elaborate’!” He didn’t have to run after Kamara, his large gait was enough to send her running in another direction, but the room wasn’t big enough for her to go far. Five steps and the man would already be able to touch her.

  “Say it!”

  “I,” she looked around the room before meeting his eyes, and she smiled mischievously, letting Simon know the elaboration was not coming anytime soon, “will think about it.” He took a step, and she ran again, though this time she didn’t see that there was a stack of filled boxes blocking her ability to get any further, so she would be forced to go toward the rancid cloth.

  “Alright! I surrender!” She put her hands up, slowly moving towards the man, but he knew her antics. She wasn’t actually surrendering. He let her take a few steps forward, knowing she would try to run again. As soon as she did, he grabbed her, putting her in another headlock, though this time she really couldn’t get out, but he wasn’t hurting her. He held the towel in front of her face, and she held his hand, using all of her strength to keep the towel from touching her.

  “I want a proper apology!”

  “I did!” Her laughter did not make holding the man’s arm any easier. She was struggling, and he knew it.“Kamara!” The towel was closer to her face, enough for her to smell it, the rancidness making her nearly gag.

  “Okay! Okay! I’m sorry I said I hated you. I didn’t mean it! I was just very upset, and I love you very much!” He eased up on his hold on her and put the towel back in his gear pocket.

  “Thank you. And’m sorry for lying to you to get you here. I shouldn’t have done that and should’ve just told you the truth and let you decide.” It was a genuine apology. He did regret his decision. The only thing he could do now was apologize and try to atone for his actions later.

  “Thank you.” She lifted herself on her toes to get closer to Simon, kissing him, making him feel like a little kid whose crush just kissed him because this was the first time Kamara had kissed him since he’d been back from deployment.

  She looked up at him, her eyes softening and her lips no longer the mischievous smile he saw earlier. “I really am sorry. I know I hurt your feelings, and I apologize for that. I’m still working on the whole anger management thing, and I will do my best to do better in the future.” Her voice was calmer and warm. Simon could practically see the gears shifting in her brain as she reflected on her actions. This was the apology he was waiting to hear.

  “Now, if you don’t mind, I have some coding to do.” She tapped his chest twice before practically skipping to the chair in front of the computer. A part of her wanted to do the code, but that was the same part that scared her to death because she couldn’t make the same grave mistake she made before. Her hands trembled, but she entwined them together, trying to keep herself grounded before she touched anything.

  “I wouldn’t ask you to do it if I didn’t think you could.” She was the only person he believed could complete the encryption and the only person he trusted to do it correctly without losing any data. It didn’t matter what happened before because Simon didn’t blame her and it hurt like hell to know that she blamed herself, but he continued to encourage her anyway.

  Kamara turned the chair to look at him before speaking, “I know.” She was seated in the chair, looking at him and waving her eyes towards the door. Sometimes, their communication consisted of actions instead of words, a common way they would communicate on the field. “Eh? You want me to go?”

  “It’s more nerve-wracking to code when someone is looking over your shoulder.”

  “I thought you wanted some company.” Simon just wanted to be in Kamara’s presence. If she were anyone else, he would have left without hesitation. “Fine. But you gotta sit over there.” She pointed to the last computer that sat at the end of the row in front of her, outside of her peripheral vision. He moved to the other side, but instead of moving to where Kamara was pointing, he sat at the computer right in front of her.

  “Uhnt Uh. That’s not where I said. Over there.” She pointed again, clearer to where she wanted him, even though the first time she did it couldn’t have been clearer.

  “I can’t even look at you?” Simon admired his wife and loved watching her work, especially when it was something she had to use more brain power for. Watching her fight was cool but watching her use her intelligence for something other than killing sent blood rushing below his waist.

  “You can look,” she pointed to the same position she did before, “from over there where I can’t see you. If you take a picture, it’ll last longer.” As he made his way to his appointed seat, he put up his middle finger—his thumb extended with it—and scoffed. Kamara could see it from the corner of her eye and let out a chuckle. “I love you,” she said while she began to type onto the computer, a smile forming on her face as she attempted to suppress her laugh.

  “Fuck you,” he said in a cheeky tone, his arms crossed in the chair as he did his best to get a clear view of Kamara. Simon wasn’t serious and she knew that which is what sent her laughing and covering her mouth with the inside of her arm. He was saying, “I love you, too”, but was a little too upset to say it at the moment.

Previous Chapter

[your-unfriendlyghost]

4, 5, 7, 14

(Okay I really liked these ones fyi)

4. Rank the main 7.

  Ooh tough one. I guess right now, in order of favorite to least favorite, I’d have to go Sodapop, Two-Bit, Steve, Johnny, Ponyboy, Dally, and then finally Darry. But it’s pretty close, and the order changes day by day honestly- I like all of them a lot, y’know? I guess the only one I don’t think about too often is Darry. I still like him and think he’s a really well-written character- I just don’t have a lotta original thoughts about him, is all, whereas I do about all the others. 

5. What are your fave ships?

  In a truly shocking turn of events, I, a frequent draw-er and writer of Stevepop, am going to say Stevepop. I dunno, something about them just makes me happy. Reminds me of like…daydreams I had when I was twelve and crushing on my best friend, and trying to get her attention by doing stupid things and whatever…god I don’t really know how to explain why I like it. Before this fandom I didn’t usually ship things, to be honest. But I guess when I did it’d be stuff like Jesslake in Infinity Train, where it’s the sorta thing that can be seen as platonic or romantic. I reckon Stevepop scratches a similar itch in my brain lol

  But I also really like Marcia x Two-Bit, which I haven’t really talked about here much- They had good chemistry, y’know? I oughta draw something about them sometime

  And then finally there’s my DIY crack-ish ship Soda x Steve x Evie. I like them! It’s all the things I like about Stevepop, plus there’s a cool girl in the mix! I love cool girls! More folks should think about them i think

  I do like other ships okay too- like the Tarry crowd has dragged me in, and sometimes the Jally crowd does too, along with Purly and occasionally Johnnyboy. I’m not an active participant, but when I come across it, I sorta mentally nod and say “nice”, you dig? They’re like…my ship-in-laws. Or like…milk duds and hershey bars- candy I still enjoy, but reach for only after I’m out of milky ways and twizzlers.

7. What are your fave non-romantic relationships? (This can be close friends, familial, enemies or even just acquaintances)

  Two-Bit and Pony! I like them a lot. Their interactions in the book were some of my favorite parts. That line when Two-Bit was worried about Ponyboy using that broken bottle on the Socs…ugh that part was great. I remember reading it for the first time and just sitting there thinking about how much I liked that detail.

  Then on the opposite side of the coin, Steve and Pony lol. I LOVE how Pony doesn’t initially like Dally or Steve, and yet Dally’s chill with Pony…but with Steve the disdain is mutual. Jk I don’t think Steve really hates Pony- but he definitely thinks Pony’s kinda annoying. I like the idea of him watching out for Pony anyways though, like at school especially now that Soda’s not going.

14. Tell us five of your headcanons you basically see as canon

Sodapop has ADHD and maybe (?) dyslexia, but it’s the 60s so he won’t find out till he’s well into adulthood

Marcia gave Two-Bit her real number, and was disappointed when he didn’t call it. I like to imagine they end up remeeting at some point and going out together- even if that’s kinda unrealistic lol

Steve hated Dally when he first rolled into town, because Dally was everything he really wanted to be- tough, cool, and street-smart. And he was also scared of losing Soda, who thought Dally rocked- because Dally’s from New York and rides in rodeos! Eventually they became buddies though when Dally gave Steve a compliment or something. Not even a particularly good one- something like “Hey you ain’t bad at fighting”- just barely enough for Steve to feel like Dally’s earned a little bit of his loyalty. Might write fic/make a comic for this- it’s kinda niche but I think the idea is funny

Steve and Soda secretly listen to the Beach Boys at the DX. They can’t tell anyone because it’s not tuff to like a dumb California band. And Ponyboy would like the Beatles if he listened to them, but he doesn’t, so he won’t realize that until years after Beatlemania has died down

Steve is not just a Ponyboy hater but also a horses-in-general hater. He thinks horses are scary and unpredictable and that cars were invented for a reason. He was secretly relieved when Mr. Curtis stopped Soda from riding rodeos, because seeing Soda on a crazy horse gave him mad anxiety. Pretended he was sad though for Soda’s sake

Thanks so much for asking!! I loved answering these so much lol, definitely let me know your thoughts too on ‘em!

[doodle-do-wop]

Kotlc theory: spoilers for Stellarlune

I'm probably gonna slap this on discord cause I like rambling to my friends but it felt like a fun theory to drop here anyway

It's a very very VERY long plot point that I honestly kinda maybe somewhat thought about the first time it popped up but the missing star stone Gisela had commissioned into a hair thingy

Biana mentions her dad taking her to buy a comb once when she was young and that was that up until Stellarlune when the star stone is essential now for Elysian and Biana, brilliant girl that she is, has a theory about the stones and as per use, she's right. Whenever Biana has a theory there is like a 90% chance she's right or she was still right but just slightly missed the target. So it turns out Biana has had the star stone this whole damn time sitting in a box because little baby Biana didn't think it was pretty/it wasn't the one she wanted

But Cyrrah purposefully gave the star stone to Biana and yeah it could just be because no one would think twice about some little kid having what is essentially the government's biggest secret in a jewelry box for who knows how many years but could Biana have been essential to Elysian in some other way besides being the keeper of the place?

Had Alvar ever been ordered to snoop through his family's jewelry because Gisela heard they bought something from Cyrrah but everyone just shrugged her off because she's crazy and paranoid and none of Della's jewelry was special but womp womp Gisela uses her brain for something other than kicking kids and she right

I know Biana is Shannon's favorite plot device for moving things along and Dex is her favorite when she remembers he exists and needs to set a kid on fire (I really hope Dex doesn't die in the final battle because if anyone is going down to an exploding glittery rock it would be Dex but knowing him and fire Dex might survive this) but I genuinely think Biana might still have a foot in the door with this whole Elysian thing

And yeah, big shocker I'm talking about Stina again, but where the fuck did this kid get a book on BATTLE STRATEGY??? How did this 'cowardly' character who has only been in ONE FIGHT THAT WASNT EVEN GIVEN TO US IT WAS JUST SPARK NOTES NEVER TO BE TOUCHED UPON AGAIN( Shannon when I catch you Shannon) HOW DID SHE OF ALL THE CHARACTERS WHO HAVE NEARLY LOST THEIR LIVES USE THAT THING INSIDE HER SKULL CALLED A BRAIN AFTER ONE BATTLE AND THINK "hey i should learn battle strategy" WHEN NO ONE ELSE DID

Shannon hates me, it's true, she stuck a sticky note to my door that says 'I hate you Doodle-xoxo go piss girl (Shannon)' and I saw her in a Mazda waiting for me to read the note and then dramatically burn tires as she drove off, so I know this blonde woman will do SOMETHING that will make me wanna throw book 10 into the ocean. It will probably be the page count of the book for the number of 'last time on Shameless' filler paragraphs. But she'll do SOMETHING to piss me and only me straight off and it's gonna have something to do with Stina I feel it in me bones.

Cause where did she get a battle strategy book????? Who did Stina go up to and say 'hey does my library card work for goblin writings on battle strategy?'. Elves don't have those types on books they're allegedly peaceful but I mean if they made themselves forget about Nightfall and Elysian the elves might have a super secret dark history of battle strategy.

Biana, Fitz, Tam, Linh, Wylie, Stina, Dex, (I don't even remember if Keefe was there I just recall the Horse Girls and Sophie punching stained glass while Marella shows her support for the LGBT) and the rest of the adults who have so far been nerfed beyond nerffing

Unless Shannon decides she needs a book 11 book 10 is about to be the longest book I've ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on or worse, broken into two book parts

Shannon can't drop cookie crumbs no more she can only drop the full fucking box of cookies so that battle strategy better come in clutch like the deus ex machina I know it's going to be but I also think it's hilarious that Sophie and the gang leave Stina to her own devices for maybe less than 24 hours and Stina managed to set up a full armada in that time.

Shannon had Stina do far too many things in Stellarlune that are never touched upon/mentioned after they're said and once again, she can't drop crumbs she can only drop the whole cookie. Stina in Stellarlune volunteered to 1) talk to a psychopath 2) search through Kenric's library for a crystal that still wasn't found and 3) read battle strategy while calling herself their strongest asset

Stina has to have something up her sleeves and it better be something big or I'm fighting Shannon in the park lot again. Stina could have gotten the book on battle strategy from Kenric's library tbh and asked to check it out or she was only allowed to read it in Kenric's library. Who knows. I think it's hilarious that Oralie might've had to report back to the council that Stina Heks is reading battle strategy books. Lord only knows how Timkin handled telling the Collective his daughter is reading those books.

Can't believe Stina might be a deus ex machina in book 10, I will go crazy if book 10 is too long and has to be broken up into two parts. I still feel like Biana plays a bigger part because she always does. And this has gone from theory to nonsensical rambling but that's just how this blog rolls

[sloanesallow]

Happy New Year

Happy is a relative term. I'm hopeful that 2025 will be kinder to me, after a not-so-great 2024. Sure, there were a lot of great moments this year, but it's been difficult for me to be in a positive head-space lately.

It does feel good to get it all out though, so here goes:

The year started off well enough.

I finished writing MMHS, and started my next project, The Call of the Void. I wrote for almost all the monthly writing events on the OHL server, and was keeping up with my friend's fanfics.

Somewhere over the summer, I developed a horrible case of imposter syndrome and was struggling to get past it. It's still something I fight every day. It was easy to push aside and fight through, but then in November, my personal life fell into shambles.

My cat, whom I've had since he was born, died just shy of his 18th birthday. He had a stroke on 11/4, and then just didn't recover, passing on 11/13. The grieving process hasn't been easy, and I still find myself incredibly devastated by his loss. Nothing in my life has felt normal since he died, and unfortunately, I have not received much sympathy from my family, who believe I should be well past the sadness by now.

Then I got sick with the flu, and it was the sickest I've been in years, leaving me bedridden for a few days, and even two weeks later, I still have a horrible cough. During this time, I realized that I don't have anyone in my life (physically) that I can rely on for help. I've always prided myself on being independent, but sometimes you want to be cared for, and when there's nobody there, it can lead to a kind of loneliness that is unshakable. I tried to reach out and ask for help but was closed off or shut down, so I retreated. I've been trying to keep the few (offline) friendships and connections I have with people alive, but the effort isn't being reciprocated, so I've given up. Knowing they will likely not notice or care that I've disappeared from their life brings a different kind of heartbreak. My body and mind were broken down and it threw me into an even deeper depression.

I'm not one to linger in depressive states, but this melancholia has lingered. I fell into a head-space where every little thing makes me sad or irrationally angry, and all I do is cry (when previously, I cry maybe once a year). Trying to fight through it is a monumental task; it's hard when you can recognize your own toxic behaviors and try to correct them. It leaves you trapped in a cycle of fighting your own thoughts, trapped without seeing a way out. I stopped doing anything except work. I haven't really been taking care of myself, and have been self-isolating so I don't bring others down with my dark cloud.

All this to say, I've also lost my creative spark. I've lost all my confidence in writing, due to this depression, and haven't been able to crawl out of the hole just yet. I really tried to last month, but I still felt empty. I hate it about myself, but I crave validation, and when it's not received in the way I hope, I shut down. I feel like I've been pouring my heart and soul into stuff so it hurts when there is little to no feedback. I'm grateful, and will always be grateful for the people that engage with my work, but it's hard. I never want to be an obligation and want people to be here because they want to, not because they feel they have to. Most days, I feel like a black sheep in fandom spaces, or at least like the odd one out in writing groups. I know this is my own evil brain but there are a lot of times when I feel unwelcome, or forgotten, or an afterthought. I know I cannot expect to be welcome everywhere, or liked by everyone, but it still hurts me deeply, especially when it's obvious I'm not wanted. Growing up, I've never been anyone's first choice, so this mentality is hard to shake.

Okay, so now that all the bad feelings are out in the open, you know why I've been so MIA the last few months. I really am trying, though most days are spent just trying to exist. I'm searching for little bouts of joy from wherever I can find it.

Thank you to everyone who has been here this year, supporting me and my manic brain. I'm grateful for the friends I've made, the art I've shared, and my place in fandom.

What I hope for 2025:

Write, of course. Without being too harsh on myself. Write for myself.

Read more, and support the community I love.

Take more social media breaks, to better my mental health.

Be kinder to myself.

May you all have a happy and safe New Year. 💛✨