#sorta a vent / rant post

[thecommunalfoolboy]

It’s crazy how many people just don’t understand why a lot of aro and or ace people don’t like that Alaster gets shipped. It’s not that hard to understand we don’t have a lot to let ourselves lose. I mean can you name 10 asexual characters? 5? Can you name two aro characters. There’s the guy from Archie who they made have a sex scene in a movie version. There’s a few books. I think a background character in Heartstopper? Do you see the theme here??? You’re all queer people, do you not get it? How it feels to have nothing? Is it so wrong to be upset that there’s finally an outwardly aroace person in popular media and instead of people embracing that they’re fighting on the internet about why it’s ok to ignore it? And I will never in my fucking life have anything against the people who are aro and or ace and portray him in THEIR experiences, even if it is a romance or sex favorable experience, but it is obvious that way too many of you guys are allo and it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t even like him as a character that much, he isn’t even made by an aroace artist. The show isn’t even that fucking good, I just want to keep someone like me for once in my life. If there were a million other aroace characters I wouldn’t care, but it just hurts seeing erasure coming from my own community. It just sucks, man, I don’t know. It just sucks

[skyedancer2006]

We hate the idea of fandom ruining something for us but honestly that’s what happened with Undertale and the AUs. Don’t get us wrong we still love the game and the characters and the multiverse that the fans created but…

We stopped being active in the fanbase for a reason, and it wasn’t just bc of our fixation on it fading after years and years of being obsessed (even before we came to Tumblr). Honestly our fixation fading was largely because of how the fandom went to shit especially around the time we left. Anyone remember the CalciumCat/One Small Dream situation? Yeah that’s around when we finally dropped out fully after already distancing for a while because of the ridiculous amount of proshippers and generally toxic people in the UTMV community. We couldn’t go a few days without finding out an artist we liked was actually some sort of creep and we got so so sick of it.

UTMV was extremely important to us, to the point that the name we use IRL (and used online too until very recently) came from Nightmare Sans. But everything that happened in the community soured it to the point that we just. Couldn’t enjoy it anymore. We never even watched a playthrough of Undertale Yellow because of it, despite avidly looking into fangames before and hearing wonderful things about it. We watched Deltarune chapters 3 and 4 only because there’s enough distance between DR and UT that it didn’t give the same feelings of… not quite disgust, but discomfort. We still couldn’t bring ourself to actually play the game ourself though, and I doubt we ever will.

To all the people who’ve stuck around on our page since our UTMV days, we appreciate yall so much. Myco, Thirdy, Kris, Jupiter, and everyone else who we’ve never talked to personally. It means a lot that yall are still here even when our interests and what we post about have changed so much over the 4 years we’ve been on here. So thank you. The little bits of UTMV stuff we still see from you guys does still bring a smile to our face despite it all :)

[therandomdragons]

to be clear. I know hazbin hotel/helluva boss aren't perfect. nor is their creator. but im doing my best not to let the discourse around them/her discourage me from enjoying art that I find enjoyment in. im tired of feeling guilty bc something I enjoy isn't squeaky clean 100% perfect all the time. shit's just not like that. and I understand there's nuance here, but fuck man. life's hard enough already. im gonna do my best to ignore the void of nonsense and enjoy the demon shows.

all that to say im tired of feeling like I'M a bad person for liking "bad" things and I wish there was a way to make it stop lol

[eggo-witch]

The world is dark

And I'm running out of time

Time to cry

Time to sleep

Time to live

Lit only by my screen

And a sliver of moonlight past my window blinds

How this sadness and despair oozes

I don't know how to be what everyone expects

How can I be complicit in killing myself that way

Wearing away all my energy

My hopes

My dreams

My wishes

Worn away, erroded

Until there's no more time left

Until my final shred of energy is spent

How can I be complicit

In working myself to death

Why is the idea so absurd to those around me

That I find it distressing to sign away my days

For money

For shelter

For food

I am running out of time

Time to cry as my parents get up for work soon

Time to sleep as my sister takes me to a career advisor soon

Time to live as my hesitance wears away the patience of those around me

Why can't they understand

How can they be so complicit in signing away the only resource they truly have

How can they be okay as their time ticks shorter and shorter

How can they stand by and work and work and work

Without acknowledging that every single day spent at a job they hate is one less day they get to live

That the line about how living is more than just survival isn't just a thing in movies

I am crushed under the weight of what I may have to do to survive

And it feels like signing away the hope to live

I am not a danger to myself or anyone else

I never have been

Because I'm scared of pain and I'm scared of disappointing my parents

And I know my siblings and friends would miss me

I am not a danger

And yet this feels like it will harm me

I spent 6 years trying to avoid having to sign my life away

And yet here I am again

Faced with the reality that living has a cost

And the cost is money

And the cost is time

And the cost is my life

I don't remember having 'dreams' about what I wanted my future to be

I'm sure I had some

Maybe

But I've been dreading it for as long as I can remember

If I'm tired now

If I struggle now

If I'm hurting now

What will even be left of me when it's all over

I've watched the people in my life come home from their respective jobs everyday

Tired beyond belief

Unable to engage in interests or hobbies

And I wonder

What will be left of me

I'm already so so tired

And so so sad

And I wonder what will be left of me

I am running out of time

To cry

To sleep

To live

And what will be left of me

[responsibleforeverything]

I feel so bad for complaining about life but then I write the most woe is me posts about how much it sucks with a straight face. I don’t think I even feel bad writing this, it’s just writing and FUCK me for acting like it’s anything more. I don’t think I’m desensitised enough to think that wanting to die is fine, but it’s the norm, but I’m too much of a coward to do anytihng. If I was actually down in the dumps I would’ve be dead a while ago. I don’t have any access to guns and my house is too busy to sneak the toaster into the bathroom and run the water but I have thought about it before.

I hate getting better because it makes me think I was faking everything and that I’m just a fake litttle bitch. I hate crying becuase I always get way over the top about it. I hate feeling like my emotions are on a pendulum because I can go from crying and melting down about someone making fun of me (after I made fun of them) to straight faced fantasising about never being born and then laughing about some post online. I HATE feeling like an asshole and I hate enjoying it sometimes. I don’t want to be evil. WHY am I crying while writing this?

I wish I had a reason as to why I’m like this instead of just blaming my autism and ADHD. I don’t want to demonise my disorders even though I advocate for the good and bad of them to be shown. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I don’t want to realise that I probably have low empathy or selective empathy or whatever the fuck that causes me to be really sad for someone else online but not my own family when I’m saying mean things without even thinking. I hat3 the phrase “everyone makes mistakes” because I make one too many and then I’m the problem. Maybe I am.

I don’t want to talk to someone about this. I just want little emojis in the corner telling me I’m doing a good job at sympathy baiting. I’m tired of wanting to shut up without actually playing my part. I don’t want to go back to therapy. I DONT WANT TO GO BACK TO THERAPY THEY’LL JUST SHOVE MORE PILLS DOEN MY THROAT. I FEEL STUPID AND THIS IS PROBALBY JUST AN EMO PHASE ILL GET OVER IN A FEW YEARS. OR ILL STOP WHINING AND JUST TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT.

[archerinthewoods]

chat am i cooked

ok so one of my friends since like. 1st grade. has recently been saying some rlly disrespectful stuff abt religions (hes a christian) and its making me really uncomfy :[

like today he called muslims tower gobblers, made fun of buddhists (this one hit hard since i have family with buddhist beliefs), etc. and im actually fed up with it. he also supports israel just because the us government supports it and makes sa/rape jokes.

guys how do i tell him hes making me uncomfortable 😭😭 if he keeps this up im actually gonna cut off this friendship idgaf if ive known him for years

[novasolstash]

This is such a small little rant but what the FUCK is people's problem with others having fun

"Oh but the creator said this! The creator said that!" We don't gotta live to the creators rules in OUR OWN SPACE [With an exception of media creators being minors and asking that adult content is not made of their media in public spaces]

AUS EXIST FOR A R E A S O N

MEDIA IS BOUND TO BE C H A N G E D, NOT EVERYONE IS GONNA LIVE BY ANOTHERS RULES

YOU WILL N O T COME INTO MY HOME AND TELL ME HOW TO ARRANGE MY FURNITURE /ref

If people are in THEIR OWN SPACES and having fun and just enjoying their time, who CARES. If there is no harm, let them have FUN, LIKE DAMN MAN.

If they were actively going out to harass the creators, then yeah, I could get it!! But t..they're not. They're sharing versions of the media they like with others to talk about and enjoy it with

Shut the fuck up, put your big boy pants on, and walk out my house if you don't like my content. Don't hide your faces either, I wanna know who I'm blocking on your way off my property

TLDR: Some people are overgrown toddlers that have no idea how to mind their own business or not be an asshole

[makanioverlord]

just a heads up, if you get a dm from nobugdev, this person is trying to scam you and will tell you to kys r slur (then deleted the specific kys message before I could screenshot it lol) when you tell him you don't want to be paid under federal minimum wage :)

this is just a small sample of the lovely conversation I had with this guy. it didn't last long because I didn't actually plan on taking the commission, and wanted to give this guy a wake up call as to how shitty it is to expect a grown ass adult to work for a wage that can barely buy a single candy bar in our current economic climate.

I've had an influx of scam artists and underhanded clients like this in the past 2 years, partially which I blame on AI art making ppl undervalue every creative profession out there. I'm fucking exhausted from having hours long conversations with someone only for them to tip toe around the fact they think my art isn't even worth a single grocery trip. not to mention people think artwork can be mass produced by a human like a machine now- it is not possible to do 10 cleanly lined images in "an hour or two".

even when I was working as a caricature artist, I was paid a base hourly rate on top of tips and was given much more time to work on black and white illustrations than what this guy was offering me. I usually block immediately and move on, but I'm tired of putting up with this type of shit on a daily basis.

tl;dr: know your worth artists, don't let these scumbags try to force you to do what is essentially sweatshop labor!

do NOT take this weirdo's commissions, even if the diary of a wimpy kid art style is simple you shouldn't be charged under federal fucking minimum wage for that type of illustration!

[starrytheclown]

Long ass rant ahead uhhh yeah!!

Honestly hate the fact that I used to hide being a system/having p-did. Sure during the time where someone else did decide to front I wanted to be called Two or Ezra or any of my alters names or atleast our collective name (starry) but because I refused to tell anyone for so long that I was one I had to deal with being called Coby. No hate to my friends at all they didn't know I was a system so how could they know, yknow.

I've started being a little more open about this and told my closet friend Zyran about this so he knows, I just can't get the courage to tell others. Maybe one day I'll tell the rest of my friends.

Also tbh, I rember when I first found out that I could have p-did I just kept trying to act like I was perfectly fine and had nothing wrong with me (does this make sense? Idfk dude.) I just didn't fully processe yet that there was a very big chance I have p-did, and when I did process that I most likely have it I panicked, for some reason. It just felt wrong having this. I have no idea if any of this made sense but I'm terrible at wording how I feel so yeah ugshsh. -Host (🌟)

[hightidejellyfish]

Haha if I see ONE more person ping Satan-Offical ONE more time for some dumbass question I’m going to lose my marbles istg. You do not need to contact the oracle every five seconds, just figure out the goddam problem yourself. She’s probably tired of all of the notifs where it’s just like “what does satan think of this 🥺” and the post says something so fucking stupid like “hgggghghggh beans on toast” SHUT UP FOR A SECOJD, SENPAI IS NOT GOING TO NOTICE YOU.

[entity56]

What mentality is it when weirdcore and dreamcore feel safer and more like reality than actual reality? What then?

[spirking-and-sparkling]

That mother and daughter/child relationship where you both apologize and forgive and forget, but you both continue to be not very good to each other. But you have so much understanding for each other that you dont hold a grudge. And she cries when you say that you're going to move far away some day. But you're not going to move away because you love her and you forgive her, and you couldnt live with yourself if you hurt her like that. And she makes you cry, but you know you deserve it sometimes. And sometimes she wishes you would move away because you're hurting her. And you're both selfish. And you expect too much of each other, but you also fail to do the bare minimum of what's expected. And at the same time you do so so much for each other, more than should be expected of either of you. And you can never repay her, and you only hope that in the long run you've made her life better and not worse.

[awkwardcreature789]

It’s midnight. I’m blasting Mitski. Brand New City. It makes me think of when I overdosed. The chorus specifically with my mom.

“Honey what’d you take? What’d you take? Honey look at me, tell me what you took. What’d you take?”

Memory goes as follows: My mother knew something was wrong (mother’s intuition) and rushed in my room. I turn to look at her, the drugs kicking in as I smile at her faintly and she asks me something but I can’t hear anything over the silence in my head. She sees my tear stained cheeks and the emptiness in my eyes. She walks over and hugs me, asking me something else but all I hear is muffled noises. My legs give out as my body is sucked of strength, my mother goes down with me, going onto her knees with me in her arms as she holds me limp in her arms. I look up, the room spinning but I can see her eyes, the utter terror in her eyes, the horror as she connects the pieces of what I’ve done. The desperation in her grip I still remember, she didn’t want to lose her child. I manage to muster up a single sentence, it feels like I’m using my entire breath just to speak, all the energy in my body to weakly grasp onto her shirt, and whisper faintly “I think I need to go to the hospital…”

It’s blurry after that, a mix of EMT’s rushing in the room and being carried into the ambulance by an EMT on either side of me, but it’s irrelevant right now.

Back to the present. I am hit with the most gut wrenching and soul crushing realization. My father never truly cared about ME in that moment. Only about himself.

I remember how he walked outside when I was recording my suicide note, sobbing as I spoke, since I had nothing to write with and I had already taken the pills. He looked at me and asked if I was fine, sounding confused since I had slammed the door. I said yes. He took that at surface level and walked off, despite me sobbing and shaking visibly. When I went back inside completely manic laughing and running past him into the garage as I chugged a five hour energy to make the pills work faster (??? Not how that works I’m pretty sure but I was literally killing myself in the moment I had no rational thought) and I came back in, he paid no attention to me. Yknow what he did? Worked. On that FUCKING LAPTOP. What’s more important, his child having an obvious EPISODE AND SOMETHING CLEARLY WRONG? or doing fucking GOD KNOWS WHAT evil corporate higher up work on a stupid computer? In fact I remember he shot me an annoyed glance too. After that is when what happened with my mom happened.

Yknow what solidifies this even further other than previous evidence and behaviors?- The fact when the EMTS sat me downstairs and spoke, he began his routine of ‘I am caring!! Look at me! I care about my child! Look how good I am! Look how amazing I am!’ And was speaking with the emts all emotional and it was so obviously manipulative it’s disgusting. Yknow what my mother was doing? Calming my absolute TRAINWRECK of a long distance then-partner down as they were sobbing over discord and panicking and frantic. My mother paced and did all these things and what was my father doing? Wasting time manipulating the emt while I was fucking at 180 bpm already at 5’3 and 90 pounds malnourished and at dangerously high risk of seizures.

Yknow who rode in the ambulance with me?

Yknow who cried when the EMTS evaluated my self harm?

Yknow who held my hand when the EMTS put the IV in my arm, despite being in utter panic and despair?

Do you know, perhaps, who stayed with me in the hospital, who stayed until I fell asleep in my hospital bed, who stayed a bit after that to make sure I didn’t have nightmares, who did EVERYTHING for me at my fuckin lowest even while they were dying inside and hurting so bad?

My. Mother.

My father didn’t do jack SHIT. Best he did was pay the hospital bills.

This realization fills me with such hot rage in my veins that I want to scream violently. My god. Right as I thought things couldn’t get worse, haha nope! Fuck me! Get hit with EPIPHANY-

[oodlesndoodles]

Somedays I think about myself ererer

[responsibleforeverything]

I just need to be better

[modpoppy]

i still am baffled that my sibling pretends to like me like im pretty sure its bc im just another person they can get secondary validation and entertainment from but sometimes they say things that reveal just how much they dont view me as a person and im like why do ? you even bother playing the friend