smallcoldbody - Tumblr blog

[smallcoldbody]

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry that I've been inactive on tumblr.

This last period happened lots of bad thing. I've been hospitalised like 5 or 6 times, for my bpd, bipolar disorder and for a suicide attemp. My self harm has got worse. I relapsed with my ed on month ago, when I saw that I reached 66.8kg, because of my meds . I got mad at myself and now I eat almost anything and I feel better, than before.

A month ago, my abusive father killed himself. I've had to deal lots of contradictory feelings. My stepbrother didn't tell me about our father's funeral(which was the other side of Italy), that made me feel very mad and I got suicidal. I had no self control at all and then I tried to kill myself to reach my dad.

I'm still not okay, but here I am on tumblr! I hope I'll stay for a long time here, I love this comunity🖤

[smallcoldbody]

Here is the sexiest lunch of the whole school 🌚

(109 kcal)

[smallcoldbody]

I ate one of my favorite safe foods for today and now I'm kinda happy✨

Only 75kcal for todayyy🌹

[smallcoldbody]

Yeah, sex is cool, but has anyone ever told you that you're skinny?

No? No problem, me either :')

[smallcoldbody]

Today at school, a part from a panic attack, everything was fine :3✨

The bad part came when I walked into the house. I was going to feel bad and pass out. My mother made me eat a spoonful of Nutella and a sandwich. Then I don't know what got into me, I started binging and then when I noticed it, I spat out a piece of chocolate so strong that it stuck against my bedroom door. Now I feel like shit, I would like to fix it, but obviously I can't throw up with my mom in the house. When in doubt, I abused laxatives, I'm crying and I think I will cut myself as way of punishment.

[smallcoldbody]

🖤I respond from @invisiblesoultotheworld666, this isn't my main account🖤

✨If I didn't respond you, feel free to dm me✨

🕸Love u all, stay safe!🕸

[smallcoldbody]

I fucking wanna cry. I have so many things to do and to prepare for tomorrow, that I'll have school until 5.30pm and I'll see some teachers for the first time (I go to school very little due to my borderline and bipolar disorder).

I am literally dying of anxiety, I want to die. What if the teachers behaved like perfect assholes to me? What if I have yet another panic attack? What will I do, since Xanax no longer works? What if it ends like last time, with me cutting myself in the bathroom crying? And as if that were not enough, I will have to have lunch at school, in front of people and this thing makes me die of embarrassment, it makes me feel like a cow that is gorging on crap.

[smallcoldbody]

This afternoon I went out with my boyfriend and we went to a bakery. I offered him a cake and apricot juice and I just had some green tea. In all I burned 400kcal while walking (I ate 149kcal) I am proud of my self-control and of the fact that even today I will lose weight.

[smallcoldbody]

Today at 5 pm, I finished my 50 hour fast. I felt like I was the most skinny bitch in the world. Then I ate 119kcal of apples, I burned 205kcal while walking and now I feel obese. I want to cry, I knew I didn't have to eat.

Why the fuck, some shitty apples must make me feel this way? I've done everything right.. I wanna fast for the rest of my life.

[smallcoldbody]

I mean it's not like I'm lying

stay safe darlings

[smallcoldbody]

Mom: Did you eat?

Me: Yeah (to be honest no, but that's none of her business)

Mom: Eat an apple!

Me: Nope

Mom: DON'T DO THE ANOREXIC

Me: *hysterical laughter*

[smallcoldbody]

Phone: *falls to the ground and the screen breaks*

My dumbass brain: Is this happened because I'm fat?

[smallcoldbody]

reblog to lose the weight and keep it off

[smallcoldbody]

Today came a skirt that I ordered 2 months ago. It's an S and it fits me tight.

✨It's starving time✨

[smallcoldbody]

After months of binging, I'm back on my bullshit and this time I want to reach my ugw.

Today I've eaten 136kcal and I drank 3l of water. I am a fuckin' whale, so this is what I deserve. I hope that next month I'll be at least 10kg lighter.

[smallcoldbody]

Me logging back into ED tumblr after spending a month binging and calling it “recovery”

[smallcoldbody]

16.09.2019

My mother forced me to eat a lot and I'm afraid of what I will see on the scale tomorrow..

I want to cry till I die

Ah, and my stomach is hurting as well