#something something making up for being a horrible sister something something
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Weird black neglected!reader and the things the hate about the batboys do that disgust reader
So basically, there was a post ask what the bafamily does that disgust readers, or what disgusts readers—that's something like that. I can't find the ask because I answered it by accident when I wasn't finished, so whoever asked, you know who you are.
What disgusts readers the most about Bruce is his playboy persona; it irks readers to their core. Readers have always held Bruce to high expectations because their mom only spoke well of him. But all that changes when they attend a gala and see Bruce flirting with a girl decades younger than him. It makes their blood boil. Readers know the next girl is just the woman of the month, maybe day. When they were younger, a lot of the ladies would try to be nice to readers just to get on Bruce's good side. And Bruce tries to tell the reader it's just a fling and it means nothing, so no one will think he's the bad guy, but you don't care (he could be loyal, and loyal to your mother). Making the bat really guilty.
Dick, with his fake smiles and womanizing ways, makes it hard for the reader to support someone who hides their feelings or opinions when reporters or paparazzi approach him. He feels compelled to smile even while seething inside. Not only that, the reader dislikes when Dick attempts to fix everyone else's problems just to elevate himself and suppress his feelings; his womanizing tendencies are even more off-putting. The reader once looked up to Dick as a younger sibling would to an older brother, but his constant flirting with anyone within a five-mile radius has turned that admiration into disdain. This makes your poor older brother feel horrible and like a bad remodel.
Jason's nonchalance or indifference to things is perplexing, especially since you know deep down he is passionate about something he cares about. Yet, he'll never express this, at least not with you. He acts as if nothing is wrong when there is indeed something wrong. Deep down, a little Robin is screaming out and asking for help, but he'll never let it out. This type of denial disgusts the reader. Being your true self is the best self you can be; being passionate and headstrong is the best feeling in the world. Yet, he refuses to embrace it; he would rather stay constant than move forward. Jason really wants to make connections; he desperately wants to be a part of something. He wants to confide in the reader, but it might be a little too late for that.
Tim, a hypocrite and a smart-ass, reader is okay with being corrected; it just shows that they needs to learn. However, nitpicking every little thing he does really irks them. Telling the reader that something is wrong is not actual criticism; it’s just a way to put someone down. Boy, he is such a hypocrite! Timothy will literally tell you that monsters are bad, yet he goes and downs six Red Bulls before a patrol. Sure, he needs the energy, but he could eat a protein bar like a regular person. Not to mention, he is always telling you that something is really unhealthy, only for him to eat little to nothing at all. You always snap at him, and he’ll try to tell you he’s looking out for you like a brother should, but you don’t care. He really just wants you to be better than him, and be more responsible but the reader doesn't care for that.
Damian, pretentious and with a God complex, is literally an Arabian prince, so what did you expect from that little twerp? He thinks he’s better when he’s not that special. He’ll show off to readers every day and in every way. You pick up new hobbies, and it's his hobby now, and he’ll be better at it than you, probably discouraging you in the process and making you give up. If you're good, he'll try to be twice as good. Some younger siblings want to be like their big brother or sister or whatever, and it’s cute, but this isn’t cute; this is just stupid, and you hate it because Alfred always makes you hang out with the hellspawn. He’ll show off to your friends or brag about being Robin or how he used to live before the manor, and you want to hit the living daylights out of him. But even if you're taller, the kid was trained to kill at birth, so there’s no way. But all of this is because he really wants your attention and praise. You’re the only person in the house who doesn’t praise him or give him the time of day. He’s your younger brother; he shouldn’t be ignored like this. He’s royalty! Why are you rolling your eyes while he’s telling you about all the places he's been? You should be clapping and smiling—don’t ignore him!
#batfamily x neglected reader#x black reader#yandere batboys#yandere batfam#yandere batfamily#yandere bruce wayne#yandere damian wayne#yandere dick grayson#yandere jason todd#yandere tim drake#weird!reader#black!reader#x neglected reader
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on your period ❜┊˚͙۪۪̥◌
┌──────────────────────────────────────┐
ׂ╰┈➤ fluff
➣ characters: gon, killua, kurapika, leorio, hisoka, illumi, chrollo
➣ warnings: f. reader
➣ a/n: brought to you by my excruciating cramps in the middle of walmart AND their broken bathroom :)
└──────────────────────┘
gon
- he’s the definition of “a little lost but he’s got the spirit”
- he’s never heard of periods before, so it caused him great concern as you explained you were bleeding for a week straight
- his intentions are so so pure, but i would personally not trust him to get any supplies
- you’ll ask for heavy pads and he’ll get you panty liners
- or ibuprofen and he’d grab sleeping medicine
- it’s just that as a boy (with no sisters or female friends) who has such a strong immune system, and lives in the middle of nowhere,
- this is probably the first time he’s even stepped foot into those aisles
- but luckily, he provides amazing support and company
- if you want to stay in all day and snuggle up to a movie? he’s on board
- those few days will be entirely about you
- he’d be super reassuring if you bled through clothes or sheets, offering to wash them for you
killua
- similar to gon, he really doesn’t know too much about it
- he’s heard of it before, but has never looked into it
- of course, he’d hate to sound stupid when offering help, so he skims through something like Wikihow for a bit to make sure he has his facts straight
- when buying products for you, he wouldn’t know which one to get
- so he’d buy them all, hiding them in the car while he confirms which you need
(i just know silva would be mad confused seeing a $50 purchase of pads and tampons on the card killua stole from him)
- he’s not a touchy person, even if you’re on your period, so expect to initiate everything
- he’d order from your favorite takeout spot, and get whatever else you asked him for
- so in the future, he’s a lot better prepared
- and the next time you mention your period started again, the stuffed animals and heating pad would already be dug out from the closet
kurapika
- he’s well informed on menstruation, mostly from his understanding of anatomy and books he’s read here and there
- of course, he likely won’t be around all the time
- that is unless you have a particularly bad cycle
- if you’re the type who has super heavy bleeding, sheet gripping cramps, bad mood swings; he’s definitely there for you
- he’d bust out his limited cooking skills, serving up the best dish he can for you (if it’s that bad, he’ll order something)
- though he’s usually not super affectionate, he’d be very gentle during this time, his arms practically glued around you
- he’d stop by on his lunch break and text you the whole day
- now if your period is more tame, he’d still do these things, just to a less frequent degree
- and just saying—he’s not at all scared of a little blood if it’ll alleviate the cramps
leorio
- as a medical student, he has a deep understanding of it
- he’d ask to track your period and symptoms to make sure nothing is abnormal there
- if you were insecure about being bloated or breaking out, he’d instantly shoot it down
- your body is just doing its job, he would never want you to feel unattractive over that
- while he’s at school, he’d send you short texts reminding you to drink water and take it easy
- if you had any cravings, he’d probably tell you no, but then cave and buy it anyways
“don’t expect me to do this next time..”
*does it next time*
hisoka
- is a lot more knowledgeable than you’d expect
- like he might be an apathetic killer clown, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t know the way around a woman’s body
- now unless you get truly horrible symptoms, he doesn’t care if you’re on your period or not
- to him, it happens every month, so you should be used to it enough to not need comfort and help
- unless he saw you—with all your usual strength and power—curled up in pain on your bed
- he has a very begrudging vibe about him
- obviously, empathy and care aren’t quite his style
- but seeing you suffering so much.. it does something to his brain
- he’d stay with you during those few days, running all the supply trips you need
- also, he finds your mood swings very amusing, which is half the reason he wants to be by your side during this time
illumi
- he really doesn’t know what to do, and the only person he can ask for advice is kikyo
- and i imagine she was the kind of person to tell other women to suck it up because it’s ‘not that bad’
- but as he sees you gritting your teeth, moping around—that doesn’t sound right to him
- he’d merely sit there with you, maybe placing a tentative hand on your back
- later that day, all the female butlers are called in for a private meeting
- after weighing in their opinions, and instructing them to take care of you, he’d buy all the items they pointed him towards
- because as emotionless as he is, he understands that someone he loves is experiencing discomfort, and he doesn’t want that
- but your mood swings would definitely throw him off
- he thought he was doing a good job, yet you were still irritated at him
- and the next day, you’d be tearing up over some cliche movie ending
- after you explain it to him, he’s now intrigued by what other symptoms might occur during your cycle
- he’d fall down a rabbit hole, looking for stories of how other people handle it
- and next month he’s even better at taking care of you
chrollo
- he would already have been tracking it for you, reminding you a few days before in case you didn’t know
- he has a good understanding of periods, and makes sure to ask you specifically what you need from him
- your comfort is always a priority after all
- would still go on his usual missions, but has machi, paku, or shizuku check on you while he’s away
- when he is home, he’s remarkably gentle with you
- the house would already be stocked with supplies, so there’s no need for him to make any extra trips to the store
- additionally, he’s very encouraging and respectful about them
- it’s a natural body process, one that’ll allow you to have children in the future, making it almost sacred to him
#hxh x reader#hxh hcs#hxh headcanons#hxh imagines#hxh fanfic#killua x reader#leorio x reader#kurapika x reader#gon x reader#chrollo x reader#hisoka x reader#illumi x reader
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Greek Brothers ˙⟡ — A tutorial. “How do I write Frat Boys?”
OK, A LOT OF PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANTED A PART 2. HERE U GO
!DISCLAIMER! Not all frats are the same, and no two people are the same. This is constructed based off of my experience with various types of brothers (and sisters) in Greek life.
Let’s go!
1. TYPES of Frat Boys
Ok, so just to start, to write frat boys in general you are automatically going to need to learn how to write borderline terrible behavior lol. There are many different kinds of Frat Boys, but the one that probably just popped into your head has blonde of brunette hair with a baseball cap, a beer in hand, and horrible manners. Probably a sleazeball, too.
We call those types of brothers Douchebags, or “DudeBros”
DudeBros are basically walking talking himbos. Sports, beer, money, hoes, sex, liquor, lie lie lie lie. Probably has a college bro accent, which TRACES BACK to a Valley Girl accent. Brush up on your Californian, cuz you can’t understand him with his mouth full of gum and his head CONSTANTLY tilted back.
These dudes are more than likely holding some sort of title at the frat. He’s probably VP, Recruitment chair, or house manager. Either way, you’ll encounter them a lot in Greek life. Reaaaallly lean into that whole exaggerated frat boy thing in your writing!! LEAN INTO IT! The stereotypes are very correct lol😭
9/10 he is probably pushing around a pledge, or having one run his errands. Some examples of how he would talk include…
“Yo, pledge, ca’mere? Get this dude some water, and then when he stops throwing up, kick him the fuck out.” ”He’s being a little bitch and there’s mad hoes around and it’s ruining the vibe, bro.” ”Yo, what’s up babes…oh yeah the bathrooms just over there…You’re Gracie’s sister, right? You guys do your makeup the same. Her makeup looks like shit.”
LEARN TO WRITE DISRESPECT!! they are so disrespectful to those they don’t find attractive and are so mean😭 He’s loud, unserious, a twinge misogynistic, and is likely to grab your ass at the party. The second kind of Frat boy, which is actually less talked about, is the Pushover. It’s exactly what it sounds like. He’s new, he’s learning to adjust to the frat, etc etc.
YOUR CHARACTER WILL HAVE MUCH BETTER LUCK COMMUNICATING WITH A PUSHOVER VS A DUDEBRO.
They don’t really get called by their name a lot lol😭 they’re often just referred to as “pledge” and lowkey are still adjusting to the party scene. He’s gonna be quieter, but will exercise his frat boy status when left alone. Literally will ONLY step into that attitude AFTER his brothers are gone.
I don’t think I need to give examples for this kind of dude, cuz he’s really just a quiet nodder.
However, this doesn’t exempt him from being a bad person. Because a pledge wants to earn respect from his brothers, they are going to make him do some INSANE shit. This is how hazing works, so now you know how to write hazing.
His brothers will make him say or do insane shit to girls, and he’s experiencing his first rush of frat power. Is actively forming into a proper frat boy, so try and highlight this by giving him a “softer” tone compared to his brothers. He’s not as loud as the DudeBro, and he kind of speaks with a mumble in his words. Probably has a really bad vocal fry going on too
The third Frat Boy, also the one Luigi falls into is the TechBro.
These guys lack one of two things; Social skills, or open-mindedness. Do not get into arguments w these men you will leave wanting to end it all.
The DudeBro’s right hand man, but not douchey and misogynistic. Is arguably the smartest person in the frat, but literally cannot stfu about his views and knowledge for five seconds. Borders on “scaring away the hoes” and “sexy smart man”
You can ALSO expect these types of men to be in positions of power. Usually a frat treasurer, philanthropy chair, or national advisor.
He’s contrastingly nice compared to most of his brothers but every now and again he will say something that raises a red flag in your mind before trying to re-explain himself better.
some examples of things they would say include…
”Hey girls. Henderson? Yeah no he went upstairs with Rachel. Can you go upstairs? No. Absolutely not.” ”What? Do we have any food? I’m not supposed to be giving you any but we have some Cheez-its in the top cabinet above the microwave.” ”*Lengthy rant about political views (usually libertarian.)*”
Now that that’s OUT THE WAYYY, let’s talk about what they do!
Frat boys actually don’t do much. They attend classes mostly, and every now and again they’ll host a rager. Most parties are genuinely open invite, as I said before, but brother-exclusive parties are literally just keg wars or chapter retreats.
Things I’ll leave you with so you’re not stuck on writing a frat-life event that’s NOT a party;
Recruitment events during rush week
Community service
Game Nights
Brotherhood dinners (sweethearts may sometimes attend these)
Greek Week Comps
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left behind
September 4, 2021
Mary let out a long sigh as she tried to pack up her bag as quickly as possible, she just finished her second practice with her new team in Michigan and she hated it.
Mary was playing without Will for the first time as he joined the NTDP this season and she couldn’t join until next season meaning she would be playing without Will for the first time ever.
Her teammates were already horrible, she’s gotten use to the chirps about her being a girl but it was always harder when it was her own team and they were already trying to not pass to her on the ice, tripping her when ever she was near them and and slamming her into the boards whenever they wanted.
It wasn’t just a couple of the boys, it was every single one of them and she hated it. The season hasn’t even started yet and she was counting down the days she would be done with this team, the first time she isn’t looking forward to play hockey.
On top of that she had just moved from Boston the one home she has ever known to Michigan and only her Mom and Will came with meaning Grace and her Dad were still back in Boston and they have only been here for a week but she misses them so much, it’s the longest she ever been without seeing the two.
Mary held back a wince as one of the boys shoulder checked her as she tried to get out of the locker room and she avoided one of the boys legs so she didn’t trip and she let out a small sigh of relief as she got out of the locker room and she hurried outside the rink to her Mom’s car and seeing Will in the front seat.
Mary hurried into the back seat tossing her bag down and she restarted undoing her bubble braids.
“How was practice?” Will immediately turned around in the front seat asking his sister, he had also just finished his second practice with his new team.
“Fine.” Mary mumbled and grabbed her headphones not really wanting to talk about her how horrible her team was, she put her headphones on and looked out the window.
Will frowned at her short answer but nodded accepting she didn’t want to talk right now and turned back around.
Colleen drove them back to their new house in Michigan where it was pretty quiet with his the three of them but with one of Will’s teammates going to live with them now and she knew Ryan would be over a lot it wouldn’t be so quiet.
Mary got out of the car first and grabbed her bag hurrying into the house and up the stairs to her new room and let out a long sigh heading to the bathroom wanting a long shower.
Mary headed into the shower and took a long warm shower relaxing and washing her long blonde wavy hair before she got out and tossing a pair of black workout shorts and purple workout tank top and she brushed out her hair letting it stay down as it started to wave immediately.
Mary heard her name being called and she tossed her dirty clothes into her hamper and headed down the stairs and saw Will chatting with a boy who had brown curly hair and her mom talking to another women who is most likely the boys mom.
“Gabe this is my sister, Mary.” Will proudly introduced his sister tossing a gentle arm around her shoulder as she walker over to them.
“Hi!” Gabe smiled sweetly and titled his head slightly making his curls bounce as he held out his hand for Mary to shake.
“Hi.” Mary smiled slightly back and shook his hand softly.
Mary watched as Will and Gabe started talking and she noticed Gabe was a bit quieter, something she liked and she noticed the accent Gabe had.
Gabe was going to be living with Mary and Will during the season as his family wasn’t staying in Michigan only he was.
Mary thought she could have a worst boy livings with them and she thinks she will like having Gabe better than anyone else besides Ryan.
Mary and Will headed to the living room after they showed Gabe his room and now Gabe was saying bye to his mom.
Gabe let out a small sigh as he walked into the living room after saying goodbye to his mom and plopped down on the couch.
Gabe smiled slightly as Will tossed his a controller and they started playing videos games as Mary opened up her book and started reading.
The three were all focused on what they were all doing they didn’t hear Colleen let in Ryan.
“Hello! The favorite is here!” Ryan cheered as he walked into the room his voice not to loud knowing Mary was in the room.
Ryan immediately sat down at the empty spot next to Mary as she looked up and gave him a smile. His eyes immediately were drawn to her having not seen her for a couple weeks, “Hi Ellie Belly.” Ryan whispered quietly giving her his Mary smile.
“Hi.” Mary whispered back softly before Will grabbed Ryan’s attention and Gabe raised an eyebrow at Ryan but shook his head ignoring his thoughts for now.
Mary watched how well Gabe, Ryan and Will all fit together already and Ryan and Will had only met Gabe officially recently. They are already on a line together and it’s weird to Mary. She’s grown up playing on a line with Ryan and Will and now she’s not playing with them at all anymore and Gabe is playing in her spot on their line.
It is hard for her to watch as Ryan and Will continued to move forward and she was still stuck behind.
Mary did not even know if she would ever play with Ryan and Will again.
#marysmithau#ryan leonard x oc#ryan leonard#will smith hockey x oc#will smith hockey#gabe perreault x oc#gabe perreault#james hagens x oc#james hagens#jacob fowler#drew fortescue#aram minnetian#bc hockey#boston college#washington capitals#zeev buium#teddy stiga#nhl 2024 draft#san jose sharks#macklin celebrini#macklin celebrini x oc#nhl#nhl x oc#nhl au#nhl blurbs#nhl blurb#nhl hockey#nhl players#nhl fanfiction#nhl fluff
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everybody: god nesta is such a fucking bitch she’s so mean for no reason
nesta, taking on the role of auntie like it was made for her: my little baby 🥰 my sweet little nephew my favorite little guy in the whole wide world 🥰 look at how big you grew look at your pretty wings 🥰 and so strong too just like your mama 🥰 my sweet boy yes i love you so much 🥰
#i know all of the IC’s brains implode every time they see her with nyx#feyre and elain: now wait just a second—#nesta loves kids she LOVES babies and she is the best aunt ever#something something making up for being a horrible sister something something#anyway! what’s good? anyone else emo today?#im very busy reading dragon smut and trying to ignore the sunday scaries#hope ur staying hydrated <3
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I don't think Oak exactly understands that he's Dain and Liriope's child, and was raised by Oriana, Heather and Vivi, and not Cardan and Jude's lovechild. Boy, you do not go spying and manipulating and murdering in one breath and being 110% a simp for your monstrous love interest that terrifies you the next, you've got the wrong people.
#I swear to God Oak#The boy's thinking and acting is so much like both of them what the hell?#He's literally standing there being like “She bit my neck. I liked it.” NO.#CARDAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?#Also he literally just goes on murder sprees? Jude why are you freaking blaming Madoc#You're literally RIGHT THERE girl#Also Cardan being like “lol no I recognize this crap Jude Oak is up to something”#Homeboy takes too much after his sister and uncle and it SHOWS#Please someone help this kid#(If this is what happens when they're in the vicinity of s kid imagine their own children)#(They're gonna be the terrors and delights of Elfhame and drive everyone mad)#(Probably start a massacre for fun and toast with wine over it and make horrible romantic choices)#the prisoners throne#tfota#the folk of the air#the stolen heir#the cruel prince#the wicked king#the queen of nothing
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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my brother today: so, uh...what's the word on that crochet basket my wife asked you about? she's started her nesting phase...
me, looking between said basket and the blisters on my hands: it's coming along great! it'll absolutely be done in time for Mom to deliver it!
#no one look at me#or the original messages between me and my sister-in-law which are from the end of NOVEMBER#(in my defense I had to restart this thing like four times to get the measurements and stitches right)#(and I had to double-up the yarn--which had to be shipped internationally)#(and I had to undo several rows because I hated how it looked)#(and it STILL has a wonky stitch that looks too much like a seam but I cannot fix it)#(I simply do not have it in me to undo all these rows again for the fifth time)#THANKFULLY when I finally sent pictures to my s-i-l (tonight) she liked the adjustments I had to make for my sanity#regrettably she then asked me about price which I don't want to discuss because it's been FIVE MONTHS and it's not perfect#I guess love means making something that brings me no enjoyment because it's not perfect and I can't bear to look at it#but it makes her happy so I'll finish it if it kills me#(my hands hurt so bad I need to find that post with the helpful stretches)#(and then I need to figure out how to get over the horrible bad habit of putting off communicating with someone for months at a time)#(ok I'm done whining)#(maybe)#(I want to eat but I need to go take care of the second job but I want to nap in the hammock#and at the end of it all I still will have to work up at least two more rows)#(woe woe etc the trials of being a human being truly man was born for suffering)#(the good news is that I don't think anyone else will really notice the ugly seam I've got going on)
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stumbles out of we solved fnaf and we're not kidding covered inblood
#i watched all of matpat's reactions to it and i agree with his thoughts on it for the most part#i LOVE that that video exists i really admire people who are willing to start from scratch and reevaluate info the fandom has considered#set-in-stone bcuz i think esp with something like fnaf thats really important. to just take a step back and be like#''we all consider this canon at this point but is it actually? is there really no other explanation?''#and yeah i really admire that ability to just totally take a big swing and go against everything that's been considered well and done#its literally um. almost 6am (insert fnaf joke here) and i still havent gone to bed so. im not gonna write out all my thoughts#BUT. i think cassidy being the crying child is rlly interesting and simplifies things in a way i like while also making other things#way more complicated. so i dont really know. the michael being the vengeful spirit part i do NOT agree with#i get where they were going but a lot of their evidence isnt great and additionally i just dont like the idea bcuz it turns the ending#of pizzeria simulator and UCN from a bittersweet conclusion to a far less satisfying and more bummer ending where its just mike#torturing his dad forever and never getting to move on himself. like no that guy is chillin in the afterlife playing cards with henry#they did point out a lot of other cool stuff too that i hadnt really thought about before like michael in sister location being#stuffed into the same fredbear suit that he put the crying child into. thats soooooo fucking good and makes a lot of sense#again im not gonna go into every little thing but the one thing i disagreed with matpat on which the comment section also#mentioned repeatedly is him saying that he doesnt think william would send michael to his death. as everyone has pointed out#like....... he definitely would. hes like the worst father ever and michael is the scapegoat child who everything is blamed on#yes theres the question of why he would wait so long to ''punish'' michael. but its moreso just that william didnt CARE if michael lived#or died sending him to circus baby's. i really don't think that was a stretch considering william's horrible abusive behavior and literal#status as a serial killer. yeah its fucked up but its definitely not out of the realm of possibility#ANYWAYS. holy fuck i need to go to bed. wild life tomorrow. good night everyone#infizero.txt
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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bitches really be treating you like a dumb bimbo when you're blonde huh
#just put that context into a lot of my interactions I had as a kid and its all starting to make sense why people were such assholes#i mean that and the likely autism but its not *just* the autism#this one guy would call me 'doll face' for wearing make up in spite of the fact that everyone else wore make up too ????????#dawg what lmao??#and yall im sure also assumed I must have some sort of massive amount of privilege and am spoiled or something too even though#i was abused all the time casually at home...??#it never made sense to me- the blonde stereotypes- bc everything ppl assumed I was like was exactly what my sister was like#but bc shes brunette people just *assumed* she was more 'down to earth' in spite of being quite possibly evil incarnate#and lo and behold shes a qanon nut now.... but sure guys#my hair color must totally paint who I am as a person fer sure#nevermind that I was a child and barely a whole person to begin with.#it also didnt make sense to me as a kid bc my mom- the reason I have blonde hair- is one of the smartest ppl I knew so I figured it was#more of. essentially. a meme rather than something that actually influenced ppls opinion and perspective of me#it just sounds like a really really brain dead way to try to navigate the world by. so i never really took it seriously or thought it#was actually a thing people do.............#like.... you actually make surface level assumptions about ppl bc of the way they look??? 😬#couldnt be me. and it never was me either! but im sure you assumed I was like that huh :/#it was like we just came out of the era of blondes being seen as the Most Conventionally Attractive and then everyone was like#'alright we need to get back at those horrible terrible blondes!' and then decided to treat me like shit#in spite of me growing up outside of that time where blondes were seen as the Most Attractive so I had 0 context for why ppl were assholes#and obviously I felt it was super unwarranted
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Being compared to your abuser bc of autism is fun 🫠
#for context. my sister asks where everything goes every time we put away groceries. even though she knows.#and i needed the olives. so i put them on top of the microwave. and knowing that someone would ask#i was like hey. im putting this up here so (sister) won't ask were it goes and put it away#(bc i do find that annoying but SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE#anyway. apparently this is a horrible offense and I'm being sooo mean to her#im sorry??? what???#i just explained why i did something i knew my parents would ask about. which makes sense to do.#and apparently im “just like the people who dod that to me” and like. no???#im not actively making fun of her for entertainment. I'm not hitting her for shits and giggles. i just put up a can of fucking olives.#like. i have autism. i don't know how my tone comes off but i wasn't purposely being malicious??????????? at all???#and then mom called her over to make me apologize and SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE. WHY DID YOU MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.#so now im just upset and somewhat regressed and I'm just. why. i guess i said it in a way that my parents thought was malicious but from my#perspective. i was just explaining something and then being compared to my abusers. so thats fun and cool#vent regression
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i got hit with like. nauseating anxiety a couple hours ago and i dont know how to make it stop
#wind howls#i have this horrible scary feeling that something terrible and world shattering is about to happen#and that really makes me feel horrible bc my sister and her boyfriend are abt to travel#and my parents and my baby sister are going on a mini trip this weekend. my sibling is dog sitting for my sister.#and my brother may or may not stay home ? he talks about throwing a party for his birthday but thats next month.#i used to love being home alone as a child. i used to feel like it brought me peace and calm like nothing else.#but nowadays its so rare (what with covid and my parents mostly working from home) that being home alone pivoted to making me scared#which really sucks ! my paranoia spikes up so bad and the dread makes me feel sick to my core !#my mom is going on a work trip to quebec city tomorrow and im also scared abt that because i cant be normal about anyone else travelling#im fine when i travel like on a plane. im okay with buses and train. cars scare me but i tolerate them#but when its other people suddenly i get so paranoid its debilitating.#the sense of dread i feel rarely is justified. i know this. i know this is not rational. i cant make it stop.#why are you so scared ! why am i so scared ! what happened ! i used to be so good at being alone ! i used to be so good !#i loved being alone ! why cant i be that way anymore !#i will try to sleep. please wish me luck. maybe im this way bc i slept like dogshit last night. i dont know. i dont feel good.
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#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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The people that have abandoned me really need to stop talking to me like they have any right to tell me what to do, or I swear to God, I'm gonna get the FUCKING hammer.
#inspired by my bitch of a mother sending me a text that basically said u need to get ur life together#as i always say! LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE!#this woman's life is a dumpster fire#and she specifically said 'i won't financially support u. i'll always be there for u but that's a conditional statement'#which is INSANE because that don't make no sense AND she has NEVER financially supported me? genuinely why does she think she has any#fucking right...😭😭😭#meanwhile. my dad. during the shitstorm that has been my family's existence lately. is being way more lax about me getting a job and moving#out than he has been in the past. because some fucks despite being shitheads aren't total assholes#this post is also inspired by my insufferable sister who fucked off to another fucking continent when i was 7 and treats me...well. exactly#how u would expect an upper middle class dumb jock to treat her awesome nerd little brother. and is always telling me i'm making#the wrong fucking decisions and judging me.#these ppl r so funny bc they think this is normal and that i will endure it bc the power of love or what the fuck ever. wrong! i have been#on the brink of cutting off my entire family since i was fourteen. now that i actually have the power to do some cutting off i'll be honest#i feel pretty great#it is all of course a horrible nightmare and i wish things were different etc etc etc. but in the words of supernatural. i was always going#to end up here.#while i am thinking about such things what's my other sister's deal? she has not reached out to me for years. it was like i turned 18 and#she was like ok who cares abt this dude now#which was incredibly bizarre and makes me feel like a stupid idiot who did something wrong but i know i didn't. and she was always the most#supportive of my siblings. i don't know what her problem is#in her defense her life has been weird lately. but 'lately' has lasted long enough that it's just her life now. and whenever i try to be th#one to reach out she basically gives me...nothing.#while i am thinking about such things i will acknowledge the slays. my one totally kickass sister who is the only other one of my siblings#who understands anything. i am rly grateful for her and she has been so good to me for so long especially during the recent shitstorm#she is moving very far away and that has brought up my abandonment issues but i genuinely am so happy for her and her family and she is ver#adamant about me visiting and PAYING for the visit (or at least doing the scamming that pays for the visit so i don't have to pay lol) and#making sure i'll be ok.#it's not all bad! i am going to be ok! there r so many people in my life who love me and love me in a way that makes sense to me and doesn'#make me feel like the world's worst man#personal log
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I feel bad that my former best friend is in a toxic relationship and can’t see it, is throwing away their friends of over a decade for her, but I also can’t stop remembering how, when I shared with them that I had just learned I had been cheated on and gaslighted about it for 6 years, their response was concern about my abuser’s mental health. That conversation didn’t affect their relationship with him in the slightest, they didn’t try to be there for me or show up for me to him, and when I they learned that I was going to get back with that person just a few days later, expecting them to be like, “uh no I don’t think that’s a good idea” (like everyone else had done and like I expected from them, having told them “just don’t let any of your friends date him” when I shared that I was leaving him, thinking they could help me figure out where to sleep and how to adjust), they didn’t protest at all. I was glad to avoid the awkwardness of, “thank you for your concern but I don’t have other options and idk I guess I’m gullible but also I just really want to believe it’ll get better” but also hurt that they didn’t seem concerned for my well-being. Hoping that they just didn’t voice that part because I’m an adult and can make decisions and already know what advice I would give myself. I just had to cling to believing that, and thinking maybe they don’t understand what gaslighting is and that’s why they didn’t seem to care, even as they became less and less my friend and eventually dropped both of us for trying to set a boundary with them about their girlfriend. And the only way they offer for me to be there for them through their relationship is to stuff down all of my needs and feelings, go along with every whim of their girlfriend, and accept that we will never get time with them without her ever again. They kept pretending like everything was okay and they totally understood, when we were face-to-face, and then they’d go home and suddenly we’re horrible and need to apologize to her for…being her friend? Trying to get more time with our best friend? Being honest with our best friend when they ask why we haven’t been able to get closer to their girlfriend? We were trying to be adult and trust in the strength of our friendship, but they fully gave in to their girlfriend’s temper tantrum over her misinterpretation of messages she logged into their discord to read, and they have just fully thrown us away. Ghosted us for pride and haven’t communicated with us in any form since. We had some extra pizza from a canceled event at my partner’s work that I left on their doorstep and had my sister text about, and they responded that they were out of the country, visiting her family. Normally we have two weekly dnd sessions and 1-2 weekly hangout sessions - the first week of dnd was canceled and after that, they just never showed up. This month of nothing is one of the few months we had left before they were going to move to where her family lives in the US, like 10hr drive from here, being fully isolated with her, without a support system, away from the support system they haven’t been away from in like 8 years (when I was in New York - my partner was here during those 2 years, they were roommates).
I’m just so hurt. They meant so much to me, I planned on having them in my life for the rest of it. I knew in the last relationship they were in they let us fall to the side some but she broke up with them and they realized how absorbed they’d been and promised to not let it happen again. Before meeting the current girlfriend, who they immediately got absorbed into. I don’t know what the fuck to do.
#vent#I guess I’ll show this to my therapist#it’s hard to find the words when you’re not in the moment fully feeling the feelings and are talking to a stranger#instead of a blank void#my chest feels like a black hole#I keep thinking of cool people in my past who I was too scared to get to know#how I just got to know the people it was easiest to#because they weren’t intimidating#and this is the result#people tell me I have too high standards but? is this the result of the opposite? I’ve isolated myself as my mental health has gotten worse#and clung to the people who I thought cared about me the people who were easiest to keep in my life#and then those people turned out to not give a shit about me or need to have some kind of epiphany to realize I’m a human#being who they shouldn’t abuse#my adult relationships have just been emulating the treatment I got from my mom and oldest sister growing up#so much of the recurring shit from them has been recurring in my adult life too#never thought I would fall victim to the ‘you seek out the treatment you know’ trope#I guess#btw if there is a person reading this while I don’t always believe it for obvious reasons#I do think my partner just somehow didn’t realize how horrible he was being and is making progress now…he still falls short a lot in those#ways (I mean like not considering how his actions affect me or how I would feel about something and lashing out at me when he’s feeling#defensive not like…dropping a cup or forgetting something)#but it happens less#and he’s quicker to listen to me and understand and apologize#than he used to be#and not so weird and attack-y about his phone and computer and social medias#and he’s usually good about understanding it’ll be a process and the flip side of me being understanding of his growth being slow and non-li#near#is that I can’t get over years of abuse and a rewriting of my brain overnight#my mental health is so much worse after years of gaslighting and that’s going to take work on both of our ends#and he’ll have to create a space of trust and comfort with me not just expect it to be there magically
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