#something something making up for being a horrible sister something something
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Aight so i saw this meme on tumblr where it was a therapist going "and what do we do when things go wrong?" and it had like, the list of responses and what the TDP characters would say. Soren's was "fistfight God". Could you write a small blurb of Soren trying to "fistfight God" (aka aaravos) after the death of, like, Claudia?
I am more than happy to oblige 😈 (You have no idea how many times I've imagined this scenario because apparently I'm basic and the way I enjoy characters is by making them suffer) So anyway, here you go! Prepare for angst.
It all happened very quickly. Too quickly for Soren to do anything more than stare in horror as the body of his little sister slumped to the ground before him. Aaravos sighed, looking down at her lifeless form on the ground before him, and shook his head.
“What a pity.”
And that was it. The battle continued to rage around them, as if nothing had happened. As if an earth shattering, world ending, cataclysmic event hadn’t just occurred. As if Soren’s entire world hadn’t just come apart at the seams and his heart hadn’t been ripped from his chest and stomped to pieces on the ground. In fact, most of the people around him didn’t even seem to notice that she was gone.
But she was gone. Soren was sure of it the moment he took her small, limp form in his arms. He didn’t bother begging her to wake up; he knew it was pointless. He’d been around enough death to know what it looked like. And anyway, even if he had wanted to, there were no words left in him to say. It was like all the words and the music and the color had drained out of the world in that single moment; there for so long and yet gone in an instant.
Because even if Claudia had been a threat, or dangerous, or doing something horrible;
she had been there to do it. Even if she had looked at him with hatred in her eyes and told him he’d killed their father, she had been there to be angry at him. And even if she had laughed at the lot of them and stood by Aaravos’ side even when they tried to reason with her, she had been there to make that mistake. And Soren had always been able to tell himself that one day she would see the right path again. That he could help her find it.
But now she wouldn’t see anything ever again. And what made it worse was that it wasn’t because of some horrible spell she’d decided to cast, or some heinous thing their Dad had asked of her, or even something that Aaravos himself had told her to do. It had been because of Soren. Because, after all these years, he had gotten through to her and led her down a different path. The one he’d thought was right.
Except it couldn’t have been the right one, because it had ended here.
Soren didn’t cry. That would come later. Instead, he closed Claudia’s eyes, and he placed her body gently back onto the ground. His hands clenched into fists at his sides as he rose, and then there was a color in the world again; red.
It was like a haze filling his vision as he retrieved his sword from where he’d dropped it, zeroing in on his target. As he watched, the elf, titan sized again, swatted away a group of Katolis soldiers on horseback. With his other hand he drew a rune in the air, almost lazily, and incinerated the wave of arrows coming at him. Soren gritted his teeth. He was nothing; a nuisance to this thing. This monster.
But he didn’t care. If all he could do was annoy Aaravos, then that was what he would do.
He ran at him wildly, joining the rest of their forces in hacking wildly at his ankles. But it was nothing to the elf; who simply raised his foot up and brought it down on them. Soren probably wouldn’t have even bothered to dive out of the way except Corvus was there, throwing himself at Soren and knocking them clear just as the godlike being’s foot came down, catching anyone not quite fast enough to evade him.
“Soren, be careful!” Corvus panted, but Soren hardly heard him. He pushed him off, climbing back to his feet, and was about to run right back at Aaravos when something occurred to him. It was a long shot, he knew, but it just might work.
Instead of running back into the throng of humans and elves gathered around Aaravos’ feet, Soren took off in the opposite direction.
“Soren, where are you going!?” Corvus called after him, but Soren paid him no mind. Paid no mind to anybody as he fought his way back out through the army of people and into clear, open space.
“Pyrrah!” he yelled, waving his arms over his head. “Pyrrah, over here!”
It took a moment for the dragon to spot him, but when she did she swooped down low enough for him to leap up and grab onto some of the ridged scales that adorned her sides and swing himself up onto her back.
“Do you trust me?” he asked her, having to shout to be heard over the cacophony below. She roared in response, and Soren hoped that was a yes, because he didn’t have any other plan. “I need you to find me Zubeia. Do you know where she crashed?”
Pyrrah flicked her head back to look at him, but she didn’t argue. Not that she really could, anyway. Still, he felt like he needed to explain himself.
“It’s the only way to really hurt him.” Soren told her.
Pyrrah spread her wings out wider and flapped up further into the sky, hurtling past Aaravos and back towards the forest. Soren scanned the foliage for any signs of the Archdragon. It didn’t take long; it was sort of hard to hide the body of a dragon that size.
Their original plan, the one Ezran and Callum had come up with, had involved them all distracting Aaravos long enough for Zubeia to come down and defeat him. But the problem with having an ace up your sleeve that size was that it was sort of hard to be stealthy, and Aaravos had knocked her out of the sky almost as soon as she took to it. But maybe she could still stop him, even now.
Soren dropped from Pyrrah’s back and ran up to Zubeia’s head, trying not to think about what he was doing as he pried open the great dragon’s mouth and broke off one of her teeth, already fractured in the impact, before running back. Pyrrah looked at him with some judgment, but he honestly couldn’t care less.
“This is for her.” he said, clambering back onto the smaller dragon’s back so she could take flight. “Just get me close enough to make it worth it.”
Maybe the good thing about being a nuisance is that nobody takes you seriously. Pyrrah was able over Aaravos’ shoulder just close enough to make what Soren was about to attempt not entirely impossible, if still highly improbable. As she did he stood up, balancing as best he could, and then pushed off before he could think twice of it.
Maybe the good thing about only seeing red is that you don’t care if what you’re doing is probably - definitely - going to get you killed. Other colors might be overrated. Soren had pretty much forgotten what seeing them felt like, anyway.
There was a long, echoing moment in which Soren was flying - except his wings were broken and the sky around him was about to realize that and send him plummeting to his doom - and then he was tumbling onto Aaravos’ shoulder, grabbing wildly at the edges of the titan’s tunic so as not to slide off.
The elf did notice him then, lifting a hand to flick him away, but Soren only needed a single moment. And in that single stolen moment, as the hand of his enemy came to swat him away, Soren took Zubeia’s fang and he jammed it hard into the side of Aaravos’ neck.
The elf howled, the sound echoing out over what seemed to be the entire world, and he stumbled; nearly throwing Soren off him just with the single motion. But he hung on to the fang where it had been stuck securely into Aaravos’ neck, and once the ground had evened out below him, shoved it in even deeper.
He pushed it in with every scrap of strength he had left, every ounce of rage and loss and pain that filled him. Every bleeding shade of red that filled his vision. And then the elf was tumbling down, and Soren lost his grip, going flying into the air.
Some people say that their lives flash before their eyes when they die, but that isn’t what Soren saw as the ground rushed up to meet him. Instead he saw Claudia; small and laughing at some stupid joke he’d made, telling him in detail about some spell she was learning, heaping enough pancakes onto her plate to feed ten people her size, falling asleep on his shoulder, pulling a goofy face at him and cracking herself up.
And she wasn’t red, she was every color she’d ever been.
#this ended up being longer than intended#but here ya go!#thanks for the ask#hope you enjoy 😈#claudia tdp#soren tdp#aaravos tdp#soren fic#the dragon prince fic
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everybody: god nesta is such a fucking bitch she’s so mean for no reason
nesta, taking on the role of auntie like it was made for her: my little baby 🥰 my sweet little nephew my favorite little guy in the whole wide world 🥰 look at how big you grew look at your pretty wings 🥰 and so strong too just like your mama 🥰 my sweet boy yes i love you so much 🥰
#i know all of the IC’s brains implode every time they see her with nyx#feyre and elain: now wait just a second—#nesta loves kids she LOVES babies and she is the best aunt ever#something something making up for being a horrible sister something something#anyway! what’s good? anyone else emo today?#im very busy reading dragon smut and trying to ignore the sunday scaries#hope ur staying hydrated <3
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I don't think Oak exactly understands that he's Dain and Liriope's child, and was raised by Oriana, Heather and Vivi, and not Cardan and Jude's lovechild. Boy, you do not go spying and manipulating and murdering in one breath and being 110% a simp for your monstrous love interest that terrifies you the next, you've got the wrong people.
#I swear to God Oak#The boy's thinking and acting is so much like both of them what the hell?#He's literally standing there being like “She bit my neck. I liked it.” NO.#CARDAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?#Also he literally just goes on murder sprees? Jude why are you freaking blaming Madoc#You're literally RIGHT THERE girl#Also Cardan being like “lol no I recognize this crap Jude Oak is up to something”#Homeboy takes too much after his sister and uncle and it SHOWS#Please someone help this kid#(If this is what happens when they're in the vicinity of s kid imagine their own children)#(They're gonna be the terrors and delights of Elfhame and drive everyone mad)#(Probably start a massacre for fun and toast with wine over it and make horrible romantic choices)#the prisoners throne#tfota#the folk of the air#the stolen heir#the cruel prince#the wicked king#the queen of nothing
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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one of my housemates is so fucking sensitive it turns me into a person I do not like
#like i always thought /i/ was 'overly' sensitive but my god. you cannot say ANYTHING around her#every little thing is too much for her everything is a trigger everything makes her tell you it wasn't okay for you to say around her or not#warning her about first like my sister in christ how the fuck should i have known this was a problem for you#maybe print out a trigger list and send it to all of us or something#but breathing is probably on there so#truly i hate how i sound i don't want to be like this but she's just playing the victim so severely it makes me aggressive it's like. primal#and I don't care when she flees from the room all the time when we're just having normal conversations because honestly I'm glad when she's#gone but she projects her issues onto everyone and everything around her like she cannot comprehend that maybe she has a fucking problem and#should maybe learn to deal with the fucking world#people aren't horrible for simply existing around you being themselves like. ny god it just makes me so furious#like i am AWARE that i have deficits; things that are easy for other people or come natural to them that i have issues with and that's fine#I'm learning to live in my way#and i can still love myself and not blame myself for having these problems without turning everyone around me and the whole fucking world#into the problem instead#i don't know if I'm even conveying what i mean#it's just this fucking victim complex that's driving me up the walls#she sees herself as so innocent and actually she's treating people like shit#man do i wish i could smoke about this
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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bitches really be treating you like a dumb bimbo when you're blonde huh
#just put that context into a lot of my interactions I had as a kid and its all starting to make sense why people were such assholes#i mean that and the likely autism but its not *just* the autism#this one guy would call me 'doll face' for wearing make up in spite of the fact that everyone else wore make up too ????????#dawg what lmao??#and yall im sure also assumed I must have some sort of massive amount of privilege and am spoiled or something too even though#i was abused all the time casually at home...??#it never made sense to me- the blonde stereotypes- bc everything ppl assumed I was like was exactly what my sister was like#but bc shes brunette people just *assumed* she was more 'down to earth' in spite of being quite possibly evil incarnate#and lo and behold shes a qanon nut now.... but sure guys#my hair color must totally paint who I am as a person fer sure#nevermind that I was a child and barely a whole person to begin with.#it also didnt make sense to me as a kid bc my mom- the reason I have blonde hair- is one of the smartest ppl I knew so I figured it was#more of. essentially. a meme rather than something that actually influenced ppls opinion and perspective of me#it just sounds like a really really brain dead way to try to navigate the world by. so i never really took it seriously or thought it#was actually a thing people do.............#like.... you actually make surface level assumptions about ppl bc of the way they look??? 😬#couldnt be me. and it never was me either! but im sure you assumed I was like that huh :/#it was like we just came out of the era of blondes being seen as the Most Conventionally Attractive and then everyone was like#'alright we need to get back at those horrible terrible blondes!' and then decided to treat me like shit#in spite of me growing up outside of that time where blondes were seen as the Most Attractive so I had 0 context for why ppl were assholes#and obviously I felt it was super unwarranted
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Being compared to your abuser bc of autism is fun 🫠
#for context. my sister asks where everything goes every time we put away groceries. even though she knows.#and i needed the olives. so i put them on top of the microwave. and knowing that someone would ask#i was like hey. im putting this up here so (sister) won't ask were it goes and put it away#(bc i do find that annoying but SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE#anyway. apparently this is a horrible offense and I'm being sooo mean to her#im sorry??? what???#i just explained why i did something i knew my parents would ask about. which makes sense to do.#and apparently im “just like the people who dod that to me” and like. no???#im not actively making fun of her for entertainment. I'm not hitting her for shits and giggles. i just put up a can of fucking olives.#like. i have autism. i don't know how my tone comes off but i wasn't purposely being malicious??????????? at all???#and then mom called her over to make me apologize and SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE. WHY DID YOU MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.#so now im just upset and somewhat regressed and I'm just. why. i guess i said it in a way that my parents thought was malicious but from my#perspective. i was just explaining something and then being compared to my abusers. so thats fun and cool#vent regression
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i got hit with like. nauseating anxiety a couple hours ago and i dont know how to make it stop
#wind howls#i have this horrible scary feeling that something terrible and world shattering is about to happen#and that really makes me feel horrible bc my sister and her boyfriend are abt to travel#and my parents and my baby sister are going on a mini trip this weekend. my sibling is dog sitting for my sister.#and my brother may or may not stay home ? he talks about throwing a party for his birthday but thats next month.#i used to love being home alone as a child. i used to feel like it brought me peace and calm like nothing else.#but nowadays its so rare (what with covid and my parents mostly working from home) that being home alone pivoted to making me scared#which really sucks ! my paranoia spikes up so bad and the dread makes me feel sick to my core !#my mom is going on a work trip to quebec city tomorrow and im also scared abt that because i cant be normal about anyone else travelling#im fine when i travel like on a plane. im okay with buses and train. cars scare me but i tolerate them#but when its other people suddenly i get so paranoid its debilitating.#the sense of dread i feel rarely is justified. i know this. i know this is not rational. i cant make it stop.#why are you so scared ! why am i so scared ! what happened ! i used to be so good at being alone ! i used to be so good !#i loved being alone ! why cant i be that way anymore !#i will try to sleep. please wish me luck. maybe im this way bc i slept like dogshit last night. i dont know. i dont feel good.
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yes im trying not to be so mean yes im working on my temper but under no section of my Healing Contract does it mention that these things must apply to my sister. in fact if you read the fine print it says im actively allowed to make her miserable. for my mental health
#she's so mean all the time like constantly telling me im stupid and shit#which probably didn't hit as hard before this econ degree but now every time she does it im just kinda like :/#and i laugh it off obvs bc am i fuck about to look put out by it#so she genuinely doesnt have any reason to stop bc ive not set any boundaries or communicated or yk. done anything correctly#i instead just let it frustrate the fuck out of me until one day im in a bad enough mood that i'll give as bad as she does#which i HATE bc as tough shit as she thinks she is i always think being mean - specifically the primary school way she does it -#is SO embarassing as a conflict method like girl 'you're stupid' is really the best you can come up with? bffr 😭#like when i say IM mean and SHE'S mean im talking about very different things#im mean less often than her but when i do it it's effective bc i literally catalogue people's insecurities and use them against them#like some fucking anime villian like it's actually uncomfortable to watch and i hate myself every time#whereas her way is effective bc it's all dumb comments ANYONE could make but she says them repeatedly until she wears you down#and of the two methods they're both shit but at least my way isn't cringe LMAO#so if i ever get so frustrated i revert to her method i just get v annoyed with myself like IM better than this she might not be but i am#and we've just been moving things in the garden with mum which is a flashpoint anyway#and me and my sister were just GOING at each other and it was all jokes until i said something she didn't like#and she was like 'what's your problem? it's fine when we're joking but you always take it too far' girl.#like i cannot accurately explain on here how ridiculous that statement is coming from HER#and if id said something actually horrible id get it but the convo was literally just#her: mum can i wear your watch for the chem ball coming up?#me: why do you need a watch for that?#her: ive got a dumb tan line on my wrist that i want to cover#me: i really dont think anyone is going to be looking at your wrists#THAT WAS IT LMFAO??? YOU HYPOCRITICAL LITTLE BITCH#ironically i had a field day with it like her saying that was the worst thing she could have done#latched onto it like a bloodhound fr my eyes must have lit up#i was like 'dont be such a baby' which is basically a fucking trigger word in our house#thought she was gonna hit me with a spade <3 peace and love on planet earth#godddddd i cant wait for her to go back to uni i HATE sharing a room i cannot escape her she's literally here as i type#i hope she knows im slagging her off to my niche online micro-community#hella goes home
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#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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The people that have abandoned me really need to stop talking to me like they have any right to tell me what to do, or I swear to God, I'm gonna get the FUCKING hammer.
#inspired by my bitch of a mother sending me a text that basically said u need to get ur life together#as i always say! LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE!#this woman's life is a dumpster fire#and she specifically said 'i won't financially support u. i'll always be there for u but that's a conditional statement'#which is INSANE because that don't make no sense AND she has NEVER financially supported me? genuinely why does she think she has any#fucking right...😭😭😭#meanwhile. my dad. during the shitstorm that has been my family's existence lately. is being way more lax about me getting a job and moving#out than he has been in the past. because some fucks despite being shitheads aren't total assholes#this post is also inspired by my insufferable sister who fucked off to another fucking continent when i was 7 and treats me...well. exactly#how u would expect an upper middle class dumb jock to treat her awesome nerd little brother. and is always telling me i'm making#the wrong fucking decisions and judging me.#these ppl r so funny bc they think this is normal and that i will endure it bc the power of love or what the fuck ever. wrong! i have been#on the brink of cutting off my entire family since i was fourteen. now that i actually have the power to do some cutting off i'll be honest#i feel pretty great#it is all of course a horrible nightmare and i wish things were different etc etc etc. but in the words of supernatural. i was always going#to end up here.#while i am thinking about such things what's my other sister's deal? she has not reached out to me for years. it was like i turned 18 and#she was like ok who cares abt this dude now#which was incredibly bizarre and makes me feel like a stupid idiot who did something wrong but i know i didn't. and she was always the most#supportive of my siblings. i don't know what her problem is#in her defense her life has been weird lately. but 'lately' has lasted long enough that it's just her life now. and whenever i try to be th#one to reach out she basically gives me...nothing.#while i am thinking about such things i will acknowledge the slays. my one totally kickass sister who is the only other one of my siblings#who understands anything. i am rly grateful for her and she has been so good to me for so long especially during the recent shitstorm#she is moving very far away and that has brought up my abandonment issues but i genuinely am so happy for her and her family and she is ver#adamant about me visiting and PAYING for the visit (or at least doing the scamming that pays for the visit so i don't have to pay lol) and#making sure i'll be ok.#it's not all bad! i am going to be ok! there r so many people in my life who love me and love me in a way that makes sense to me and doesn'#make me feel like the world's worst man#personal log
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I feel bad that my former best friend is in a toxic relationship and can’t see it, is throwing away their friends of over a decade for her, but I also can’t stop remembering how, when I shared with them that I had just learned I had been cheated on and gaslighted about it for 6 years, their response was concern about my abuser’s mental health. That conversation didn’t affect their relationship with him in the slightest, they didn’t try to be there for me or show up for me to him, and when I they learned that I was going to get back with that person just a few days later, expecting them to be like, “uh no I don’t think that’s a good idea” (like everyone else had done and like I expected from them, having told them “just don’t let any of your friends date him” when I shared that I was leaving him, thinking they could help me figure out where to sleep and how to adjust), they didn’t protest at all. I was glad to avoid the awkwardness of, “thank you for your concern but I don’t have other options and idk I guess I’m gullible but also I just really want to believe it’ll get better” but also hurt that they didn’t seem concerned for my well-being. Hoping that they just didn’t voice that part because I’m an adult and can make decisions and already know what advice I would give myself. I just had to cling to believing that, and thinking maybe they don’t understand what gaslighting is and that’s why they didn’t seem to care, even as they became less and less my friend and eventually dropped both of us for trying to set a boundary with them about their girlfriend. And the only way they offer for me to be there for them through their relationship is to stuff down all of my needs and feelings, go along with every whim of their girlfriend, and accept that we will never get time with them without her ever again. They kept pretending like everything was okay and they totally understood, when we were face-to-face, and then they’d go home and suddenly we’re horrible and need to apologize to her for…being her friend? Trying to get more time with our best friend? Being honest with our best friend when they ask why we haven’t been able to get closer to their girlfriend? We were trying to be adult and trust in the strength of our friendship, but they fully gave in to their girlfriend’s temper tantrum over her misinterpretation of messages she logged into their discord to read, and they have just fully thrown us away. Ghosted us for pride and haven’t communicated with us in any form since. We had some extra pizza from a canceled event at my partner’s work that I left on their doorstep and had my sister text about, and they responded that they were out of the country, visiting her family. Normally we have two weekly dnd sessions and 1-2 weekly hangout sessions - the first week of dnd was canceled and after that, they just never showed up. This month of nothing is one of the few months we had left before they were going to move to where her family lives in the US, like 10hr drive from here, being fully isolated with her, without a support system, away from the support system they haven’t been away from in like 8 years (when I was in New York - my partner was here during those 2 years, they were roommates).
I’m just so hurt. They meant so much to me, I planned on having them in my life for the rest of it. I knew in the last relationship they were in they let us fall to the side some but she broke up with them and they realized how absorbed they’d been and promised to not let it happen again. Before meeting the current girlfriend, who they immediately got absorbed into. I don’t know what the fuck to do.
#vent#I guess I’ll show this to my therapist#it’s hard to find the words when you’re not in the moment fully feeling the feelings and are talking to a stranger#instead of a blank void#my chest feels like a black hole#I keep thinking of cool people in my past who I was too scared to get to know#how I just got to know the people it was easiest to#because they weren’t intimidating#and this is the result#people tell me I have too high standards but? is this the result of the opposite? I’ve isolated myself as my mental health has gotten worse#and clung to the people who I thought cared about me the people who were easiest to keep in my life#and then those people turned out to not give a shit about me or need to have some kind of epiphany to realize I’m a human#being who they shouldn’t abuse#my adult relationships have just been emulating the treatment I got from my mom and oldest sister growing up#so much of the recurring shit from them has been recurring in my adult life too#never thought I would fall victim to the ‘you seek out the treatment you know’ trope#I guess#btw if there is a person reading this while I don’t always believe it for obvious reasons#I do think my partner just somehow didn’t realize how horrible he was being and is making progress now…he still falls short a lot in those#ways (I mean like not considering how his actions affect me or how I would feel about something and lashing out at me when he’s feeling#defensive not like…dropping a cup or forgetting something)#but it happens less#and he’s quicker to listen to me and understand and apologize#than he used to be#and not so weird and attack-y about his phone and computer and social medias#and he’s usually good about understanding it’ll be a process and the flip side of me being understanding of his growth being slow and non-li#near#is that I can’t get over years of abuse and a rewriting of my brain overnight#my mental health is so much worse after years of gaslighting and that’s going to take work on both of our ends#and he’ll have to create a space of trust and comfort with me not just expect it to be there magically
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Me writing the most self indulgent shit ever known to mankind lmao, also known as putting May through the pain suffering just because but this time it's Digimon, featuring our favourite horrid REDACTED belonging to @oogaboogaspookyman, he's here to be a cunt really, this is pretty dialogue heavy as lmao its basically just him bullying the shit out of her at her weakest point and rambling about things that would've happened previously in the time line and discussing May's troubled relationship post digimon time lmao, again self indulgent I just had these really specific scenes and gotta get them out lmao
Corruption
Digital energy crackled and pixelated from the unusual vortex in front of them, the crowd hushed and murmured in terror as something from within the blackness pushed forwards through into their world. May put herself at the front of the group shielding her siblings from view the best she could as Lopmon stood by her feet, ears spread to look more intimidating. Dripping dark energy pushed from the portal as sparks of red lightning cracked and whipped around shorting nearby electrical appliances as an unfortunately, familiar grinning maws greeted them, it didn't even try to look humanoid as a mouth closed and opened into a black eye with a frantic white pupil. The pupil bounced around scanning over the horrified faces of the people as its many mouths pulled into delighted grins with teeth large and sharp, a deep echoing laugh coming from each mouth and even the visible eye as it surveyed the terror gladly eating it up before its eye fell upon the three siblings narrowing to a pinpoint before blowing wide in entertainment and excitement.
"How, small and pitiful you all look, my even tinier than you were before."
It's voice mocked from its eyeball, still laughing from its mouths, the eye blinked into a mouth as other mouths closed and opened into eyes scanning around in an erratic manner, though more so to make them uncomfortable, this beast didn't know fear.
"I bet I could splatter you like insects right now, decorate your disease ridden world with your bright gorgeous blood."
"Then why don't you, you Prick." May's voice was cold and sharp as she glared taking a challenging step forward, "oh yea I know why, because you can't interact with this world, your data is too much and you can't fully come through so you just sit there and taunt trying to make us scared, trying to terrify people while you plot a way into this world. It didn't work last time though did it? And I'm not going to fucking let you try again." An eye fell upon her watching her as its other mouths twisted and contorted out of shape.
"Then why don't you come and stop me?"
It asked simply as it started to pull backwards into the portal, the pavement splitting from the ground beginning to float as the portal moved awkwardly into the sky, the slabs of pavement swirling around it as the creature grinned at them.
"Well, digidestine? Can you stop me this time? Or have you already lost too much?"
As its form disappeared, May could only grit her teeth as Lopmon looked up at her for guidance.
"We can't go through that portal May, times synced now in the digital world, we'll lose real time here. Let some other people deal with it, we can't be the digidestine anymore." Her sister spoke behind her and May looked at in confusion and disbelief at what she was hearing, even Salmon looked uncomfortable at the idea they weren't going to do something nuzzling into her sisters leg, May opened her mouth to argue that there was no one else they'd met no other younger digidestine.
"No." Matts voice snapped, "look you might have gotten out of that ordeal fine 10 years ago, but some of us did lose too fucking much!" His voice was a snarl as he moved to touch where his lower arm had been removed from his body, Labramon whimpered against Matt as he crouched on the floor, guilt and shame washing through May making her heart hurt. "You might not be so lucky next time, I wasn't." His words stabbed into her as she looked at him, her sister nodded a bit awkwardly adding.
"We got really banged up last time, I mean, you've seen the scars I got, you've seen what happened to Matt, you got off easy but you're not indestructible." May's hands clenched into fists, their words becoming poisoned jabs, snide hateful remarks for years and years, snipping snapping biting into her over and over as her eyes became wet with frustration.
"Fine. I wasn't even going to fucking ask you to come. I'll fucking deal with this myself." She turned walking away from them quickly, "let the weakest link smash that cunts face in!" Her voice a frustrated yell as she leapt onto a floating pave slab with Lopmon leaping up behind her following.
"May don't be fucking stupid for once in your life!" Her sisters words fell on deaf ears as she leapt and flipped up the platforms with acrobatic precision, ignoring her sister cussing her out insulting her, as she got closer to the portal the air felt static like as Lopmon flew up besides her, digital energy engulfed them both as they disappeared through the dark of the portal.
The local advertising screens came to life displaying the digital island they'd found themselves upon years ago as Dianamon landed gracefully but with force. She walked with a dangerous tremor in her step, "Where are you?! Come out you coward. Let's end this!" May and Lopmons voice overlapped creating an almost new voice as they scowled around looking for the black ink beast. She heard him laughing before she saw him, barely dodging a large black spike that ripped through the ground and would have went right through her.
"My my, all on your own? No siblings to back you up? No lover? Oh yes I forgot, he replaced you didn't he?"
She slashed at him with her moon sickle slicing through the black inky body as the ink fell to the ground with a splat before crawling away to a larger mass of blackness as the creature took form again, still inhuman with eyes and teeth grinning at her. She lunged at him again swinging and striking with her weapon, retreating to draw back her bow and shoot arrows through his inky substance splatting it off and watching it disintegrate. She wasn't going to amuse his games. Despite her attacking he seemed pleased simply reforming lost mass to sustain himself as he dodged or allowed her to slash his form just to pull himself up somewhere else.
"I suppose it does make sense. I mean, you always held them together, you were the link in their chain that strengthened them and how do they respond to that?"
He laughed a wicked laugh as a morphed pale form of her sister pulled through the black slime walking towards her with hollow black eyes. When it spoke it used her voice, it sounded distant like a recording rather than the vocal mimicry it did for its usual voice.
"Why do you always ruin things for me?! You're so fucking selfish you know why are you even in this fucking contest?! You just want to show me up! And are you happy?! I only came second because you fucked with my brain! Why the fuck would you go 'best of luck sis', don't you have any idea how much fucking pressure that puts on me to perform well when I know you're just going to do better?! You're such a shitty person sometimes May, I wish you'd fucking disappear sometimes!!"
Her sisters voice screamed at her even if it felt distant, May leapt back as the fake hollow version of her sister collapsed into black sludge as his voice laughed mockingly before tutting.
"Aw, now that really wasn't very kind."
It doubled over on itself laughing as its mouths snapped with teeth and its eyes rolled around.
"I mean, she was right, you were always better at the gymnast stuff. That must put an awful lot of pressure on her, funny though, you never ever won, not even third."
It straightened to look at her twisting it's head as it leant forward, it's body turned to sludge by another swing of the moon blade but that didn't stop it talking.
"Kind of stupid of her not to notice, why did you never tell her huh? Why did you ruin your own performances with rookie mistakes on purpose to receive worse points when she hated you for even being there? For daring exist?"
She gripped her weapon tightly, not giving it the satisfaction of an answer as it cackled dark ink encircling her and grabbing at her ankles before she slashed it away and flew up to avoid his mocking grabs.
"Oh that's right, because you loved her or something. When was the last time she was kind to you May? When was the last time you felt loved by your sister and not just shame and hatred?"
Dianamon shook her head to rid his voice from her ears, she couldn't afford to think of individual components right now, she was Dianamon now, she can be May later, she couldn't risk dedigivolving and losing her advantage. It seemed to sense her struggling shooting up black tendrils that slammed her back into the ground with a sickening crunch of something and a horrid gasp of pain from the celestial Digimon as she forced herself to her feet before the ink tried to consume her.
"You really struggle and fight so much for people that seem to loathe you, most of the world doesn't know you exist and yet here you are fighting to try to save it, but when has the world ever done anything for you? I know none of you received acknowledgement for what happened ten years ago, doesn't that make your blood boil in rage? That you risked life and well, your brothers limb and all you got was the terror and fear screaming, crying for help as you cradled your unconscious brother as his arm bled new blood."
Its mouth quirked into a wicked smile as her expression darkened knowing it had touched a nerve. She slashed and attacked with everything she had yelling in anger and pain trying to destroy him as his corrupted data mass remained consistent allowing flecks to crumble away to make a form to be slashed to keep her eye to exhaust her as it laughed at her torment. From the ink a pale Matt formed looking at her with bleeding black eyes as it too approached her.
"Look you might have gotten out of that ordeal fine 10 years ago, but some of us did lose too fucking much!"
His voice was distant like a recording once more as it parroted back things that had been said. More and more words came from its blackened mouth phrases that she'd heard throughout the years since coming back, passive aggressive 'good for you's, snarly snapping remarks, and things she hadn't heard, spiteful bitter whispers of 'why me', a cold harsh 'it should have been her,' that made her throat go dry and heart almost clench as though grabbed and crushed, Dianamon couldn't afford to cry and yet her eyes watered and her grip on her weapon trembled.
Once more the pale clone copy collapsed back into the blackness as it taunted and laughed.
"What a cruel thing to say! He said it often as well, oh how he wished you had suffered instead of him, he thinks it's unfair, unjust, that he didn't deserve it, how funny he believes that you in turn did deserve it. Its quite funny actually! I suppose it's because you never told him the full truth did you? I mean, you wouldn't have dared he lost his arm. Who are you to tell him it was going to be worse? And that you stopped it being worse like some savior when he was going through such a horrible affair, you would've looked like quite the dick, I can understand why you kept it to yourself."
Dianamons made more empty slashes at her tormentor, snarling "JUST SHUT UP AND DIE! I'LL DESTROY US BOTH IF IT STOPS YOU FUCKING TALKING!!" But it only cackled at her swirling and forming eyes and taunting mouths as it without her knowledge began to destroy the data around them, disintegrating trees and rocks leveling the area slowly.
"How fittingly self-destructive. You always did value others more than yourself."
Another hollow pale form, this time herself, or well the form of May, Dianamon struggled to maintain its own identity as the voice of May parroted from the past spoke.
"Please god don't hurt him! He's my baby brother, please you can take anything from me, humans, we have all kinds of interesting organs! Yea yea, I'll trade you, you could have my kidney! And you give him back yes? Please, I am begging you please take from me don't hurt him my skin, my hair, my eyes, my lungs Fuck you could take my heart kill me right now just just please, please let him go, please, he means too much to me I will do anything just don't please don't take him from me please"
Dianamons eyes watered uncomfortably at sickening memories from the past, her brother unconscious as an Archnemon regards him for experimentation for devouring planning to hack him apart and then dissolve his flesh. The hollow stared forward and through her before screaming horribly as it was cut open by nothing, Dianamon tearing her eyes away cringing and exhaling a shaky breath through her nose at they remembered the sensation of large hands plunging into her guts and pulling out what it wanted, the carving of her organs and the teeth, the horrid teeth that sank into her wound ripping her flesh away from her body and the sickening enjoyment the Archnemon had taken from the experience, helplessly caught in the creature web, and then the guilt and horror as it took a cleavor and-
Dark tendrils slammed her chest sending her flying backwards hitting the ground and bouncing slightly as she cried out her weapon flying from her hands and disintegrating before it hit the ground as she weakly hauled herself into a kneel.
"That was a dirty move." She snapped, but her component's were struggling, tears ran out of one eye at the guilt of not being able to stop the twisted digimon from taking her brothers arm. It only laughed at her in enjoyment feeling her terror, guilt and pain with great satisfaction. She pulled herself to stand but her body was struggling, the phantom pains still ripping away at her body as she shuddered, she'd never told anyone about what happened, not the truth at least. Dianamon shook her head, May had never told anyone but she was not May right now.
Black ink shot out in the form of a large hand grabbing her body and began to squeeze before she could even move, her armor crushing uncomfortably into her body as the entity pulled itself up out the ink and took on a painfully familiar form, it copied the face and body of, someone May once cared deeply for, another crush from the hand engulfing her body and Dianamon faded. Lopmon fell to the ground with a weak groan as May remained crushed in the grip.
"Lopmon run!" May attempted to struggle as the tired rookie pushed itself to stand stumbling before the ink wrapped around its body dragging the bunny-like digimon by its ankles to the twisted form of May's old crush. They tried to attack, opening their mouth weakly to summon energy before the pale humanoid grabbed its mouth shut harshly with a snarl.
"Behave little one, would be a shame to destroy something that could be of use to me. Besides, i'll kill your human if you're a brat."
Lopmon whimpered but couldn't fight, too injured and tired from being Dianamon, and May was weakening too. It looked over at her and slowly the large hand pulled down into the earth releasing and leaving her standing though with difficulty she swayed and gave a weak glare as it scoffed at her before it was right in front of her with astonishing speeds it's pale hands grabbing her face, Lopmon tossed aside, as it arched over her threateningly, grinning with too many teeth at the wonderful fear from her.
"You've always intrigued me, such fight such love and for what?"
It's grip tightened threateningly on her face as she tried to pull away and shake her head sinking in claws to draw blood making her still as Lopmon was restrained in dark inky tendrils, the surroundings barren now save for his corrupting black ink.
"Don't make me pop out your eyeballs~"
It's tone faked sweetness as his thumbs pressed under her eyes threateningly.
"It's a shame he gave you up the way he did, choosing another woman while you were kept apart by distance, it's like everything you went through meant nothing to him, like he didn't care about the bantering you shared, the stories the company, do you think he thought of you as much as you him? It must hurt knowing you don't matter so much to someone, that they can replace you just like that."
A finger snapped for emphasis on another arm before it disappeared, his tone was quieter than usual it was almost sympathetic comforting as her eyes began to water against her control, tears rolling down her cheeks as she struggled to breathe, all the repressed feelings all the times she made herself be strong crashing down on her so now she was weak, bubbling pathetically under her worst enemies watching gaze as she cried against her control. She was unloved and despised, she wasn't enough for the people she cared deeply about and she couldn't stop him she couldn't protect them she couldn't save the world from his plans to destroy it and now he was going to kill her, and the worst part was she was alone. The people she loved weren't coming to save her. Her breathing choked as her knees felt weak. She wanted to rip his hands from her face to just collapse and cry to pull her eyes away but he held her firm and her eyes were locked to his.
"Sweet little thing, all alone and unloved. You tried so hard to be the best you could be and to be good enough, you sacrificed so much of yourself, didn't you?"
She choked a breath, her head nodding against her control as her knees gave out and desperately grabbing at his arms fearing that she would fall and he would simply pull and rip her head from her body, but the tug never came, his hands didn't move as she gripped to him weakly her body slightly limp as his thumbs wiped against her cheeks in a way that was almost soothing if she wasn't so terrified for why he was acting this way, she was so so tired, every moment her energy seemed to be sapped. Was this his plan? Cradle her till she expired, taking her life energy? Maybe he was going to take her body upon her last breath turning her into a puppet to get to the real world. She could only fear more at every passing second.
She could feel the ink starting to crawl up her body, oh god he was going to turn her into a flesh puppet for his data. She didn't even have the energy to struggle.
"You're so tired aren't you? So tired of not being enough for some people, tired of hurting in silence, tired of thinking, tired of existing, tired of hurting because of other people. You just want to stop thinking don't you? Stop worrying, stop hurting. I can make all that go away, empty your mind of all that aching all that anguish, I wouldn't hurt you like he would. "
As she stared up at him his face began to slowly slide off and melt almost before his face fell and splattered black flesh and liquid right onto her face, she gasped in horror choking on the foul ink as it slid down her throat and up her nose and crawled into her eyes, she tries to struggle but her body couldn't move wanting to cough up the black corruption but only choking further as he threw his body backwards to howl in laughter removing his hands from her face as she collapsed from choking and the blackness already wrapped around her legs. He watched her spluttering on the floor on her back, black liquid bubbling up out her mouth as she choked and her eyes turned black, the corruption engulfed her pulling her down into itself with only a few bubbles as the last of her breath was taken. The creature grinned as its form became twisted once more, despising the humanoid guise it needed to use.
He hadn't been lying, he had always been intrigued by that one, she was just so corruptible, pushed to the edge of darkness by those around her every day, they really did all the hard work for him. Once he was through with her well he could have his fun before disposing of the last of the filth known as humanity, but until then he now held a very powerful ace, a Kelpymon and a digidestine corrupt to his whim. It glanced over to a patch of pixelated space, knowing the human world could see him and could only grin as the fear, they were right to be afraid of him. He slashed his claw through it ending the connection, laughing to himself, he shouldn't have been surprised by the lack of help really, May was the link that strengthened the chain, with her gone well all that was left was the coward and the clown, as for his human guise well he had his own better life now, why would he risk it. What a blight on this world. Selfish creatures. Horrid creatures. Oh well. They'll all get what they deserve.
#My writing#Self indulgent digimon au#Oc May#@oogaboogaspookyman REDACTED#Tw eyeballs#Tw corruption#Tw self destructive behaviour#Me holding my self indulgent crap lmao#Context uh its been 10 years in the time line Mays obviously been saddled with guilt over Matts arm despite the horrors she went through#Her sister hating her for being better at her at gymnastic acrobatic stuff and misplacing blame on her for her own fuck ups#Even as may sabotaged her own success in something she enjoyed making herself miserable and further hated by her sister#And she hasn't seen monochrome as like they live in different areas but did manage to stay in touch#Unfortunately..he moved on in that time and ya know naturally found someone in his area so kinda a horrible discovery for May#Cause they come to visit to celebrate 10 years since saving a thing in monochrome home town and seeing him moved on well..it hurt..a lot#She'd imagined she'd come see him he'd grab her in his arms spin her around and then hold her and kiss her and kiss her#And all she can do is swallow dryly and say its nice to meet the girl he's now with#I'm sorry I'm not immune to heart break angst#And REDACTED rocks up and goes 👀 and wiggles his eyebrows at the camera because opportunityyyy#Hence him just mercilessly ripping into her#He knew shed chase after him and fall for the bait so he could get her alone but oh the deliciousness of her siblings pushing her away more#Also dianamon is a biomerge digivolution alt mega form as a treat I like to give my characters a bio and normal mega lmao.#Dianamon is like a fusion in a sense and like can be broken if one part becomes unstable they gotta be in sync#REDACTED really just *gentle persuasion* on May drowning her in his corruption smothering her sweetly#He probably is sapping her energy as she just weakens into moldable putty for him to play with and mold into a controllable puppet#Idk was feeling some kinda way about it he's mock kind mock sweet a bitter candy poisoned sugar telling her empty sweet nothings#It's only because he knows she's so weak that she's at an absolute breaking point peak vulnerablity. He'll probably tear her apart later#When he doesn't need her anymore just tears her limbs off spills her guts ect#I won't lie briefly a corrupting kiss passed into my mind but I always wanted his face to melt off onto her cause he is the horror lmao#Cause there's nothing more unsettling than someone's face just splatting onto urs. Plus her choking on his corruption#Plus to some degree he knows monochrome can see this probably so he's being mock sweet to jab at him like I'm stealing ur exgf BITCH
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Had a very bad day Gotta eat gravel
#had to work a shift with only one other coworker and we were in this same position last weekend too and so like last time#he had this Moment where like as we locked up he was yelling very frustratedly about an annoying customer#which is fair but lol we dont know each other well enough for him to yell and rant like that to me like i get it but#god i hate yelling and just felt like shit and wanted to die#then tonight i was legitimately kinda scared cuz uh liiike. he had a lot more little Moments#i think like some kid dropped something and it broke and he had to clean it up and he got frustrated#and like. went in the back where the custom framing shit is and there was loud banging with a hammer and glass shattering#and he went back and did this multiple times and customers heard it too and were like uhhh 😰#i was already in a bad mood coming in and this really didnt help its honestly a miracle i didnt start having a meltdown#i guess ive just had to deal with so many man babies at home that all i can do is look at them like a disappointed parent and ask if they#would like me to take them to daycare#so yeah that was fun i uh dont like this guy hes always wearing very cutesy clothes and all i can think of is the bit where its like#‘there is nothing little about your things’#also i got money problems and keep getting fast food cuz i got eating problems and theres not much here i can eat and obviously#buying food so much wastes money so i was gonna try to make a sandwich today and like we dont have half the shit needed#and the bread was moldy obviously and theres so many bugs in the house cuz ive been too busy to clean and my sister was here#and the cat is here and my mom does everything wrong and then i spilled water everywhere and everything just went wrong#im also in a horrible place mentally doing so so bad so unbelievably stressed rn#just like. im repressing very bad and literally procrastinating having feelings like everything is going so wrong but i cant feel bad#because i dont have time for that so ill feel bad later when i escape which surely will happen someday ahahaha fuuuck#dont know whats real anymore maybe ive made everything up maybe the abuse is just me being dramatic maybe im the worst child in the world
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i dont have anyone to comfort me anymore
#if he was here hed tell me it was going to be okay and that im not a fuck up#why do i ruin everything i try to do#no one reads what i put my soul into#no one asks me how im doing anymore unless its to make themselves feel better#people only message me to yell at me or call me horrible things or if they need something#i have family and i love my sisters but#theres just some things i cant tell them#and there are things i cant tell my friend#i keep thinking im going to do something great but then i just ruin it by being depressed and im just so tired#i wish he was still here. at least i could believe it when he told me it was okay and i could do something else with my life#but its not like hes here anymore.#hes gone because i fucked it up with him too#and im too scared of others judging me because im a horrible person#and ive done horrible things#he was the only person who didnt make me feel like a monster#but i hurt him too#i dont wanna sound edgy and say i deserve it#but i deserve it#im going to fail my junior year of college and no one is going to love me the same way he did ever again#its stupid to say this but i think he was supposed to be the one for me#but i ruined it#i always ruin things#i ruin my own life because im so stupid and i feel like im not even real half the time#i wish he was here
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