#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld

[delicatetaysversion]

sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg

[long-live-astronerd-ghost-king]

Ectoberhaunt 2023. Day 17. Blood and Flesh.

CW: TW! Recurrent pregnancy loss. TW!Abortion. TW!Bleeding

Maddie: Jack, we need to talk. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I think Phantom, the ghost boy, is actually our son. And I’m sure Danny and Jazz know about it too.

What if we bring down on the Fentons the knowledge that they have ghost children without revealing Phantom’s identity?

Text+Chat+Memes=Prompt:

Of course Maddie wanted to have children. But…Not in college. She felt it was too soon. The lack of stable earnings and time were not conditions for growing a new person. She had nothing to give this potential child. Maddie did not hesitate long before deciding to have an abortion.

And for years, neither Jack nor Maddie have thought about this unplanned pregnancy.

Ectoplasm is toxic, obviously. But since ectology was only recently recognized by the scientific community, no one has ever fully analysed the effects of ectoplasm on the body.

When Maddie and Jack had the misfortune to become one of those couples experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss, they immediately suspected that the ectoplasm in their lab contributed to their reproductive difficulty. Put simply, death didn’t go with life.

They may not always have followed the lab’s safety rules perfectly, but is that why one of their first works will be exposing a teratogenic effect of ectoplasm? What if they’ve lost their only chance to be biological parents?

What a cruel price to pay for the work of life. Jack and Maddie so dreamed of their little happiness. Do they have to forget about it?

No, the Fentons don’t give up that easily!

They may have to spend a few years doing only theoretical work, but they’ll try again.

~~~~~

Ectoplasm is toxic. Tests, hopes…and a few miscarriages too.

Jazz was a miracle. Fenton family literally didn’t get out of hospitals to look after her health.

Danny was an even bigger miracle, because they didn’t have any hope of having a second child. Maddie and Jack didn’t even plan this pregnancy. Danny was born premature, with signs of hypoxia... but alive. His potential twin was not so lucky. Single intrauterine fetal death (sIUFD).

Right. Death still followed them. Of course, parents didn’t tell Jazz and Danny that they might have had another brother. It was their grief. Children had no reason to know about it.

~~~~~

"You filthy ghost!" Maddie stopped to rest after a chase for elder Phantom.

"Exhausted?" Dan was flying at a safe distance from her. "Maybe it’s time to retire, Maddie? A little exercise never stopped you before." The ghost was clearly making fun of her.

"Not going to happen, I’ll do it until I die if Amity Park need it. And my son will be here to stop you instead of me after me or Jack."

The smile on Ghost’s face faded immediately. "I hope he die first." The ghost whispered in a hoarse voice."It's best for everyone."

"What did you say?" Maddie rose up in anger, pointing her weapon at it.

"Has any thought crossed your mind about what happens to your children if anything happens to you? Go out every day and yell like idiots, attracting all the ghosts around." An ectoblast is blowing right up against her temple and crashing into the wall. The ghost frowned and turned away. "Did you ever think that Danny wouldn’t want to live without you? Did you think that he would be hurt if he had to lose you? No! Is it always about your stupid desires and ambitions, Mom."

For a moment Maddie thought he it was looking at her like it had seen a ghost, which was obviously just ridiculous. Maddie wanted to laugh about it, but somehow she couldn’t. Why would the ghost trying to fake human emotion care to hide the tears that gather in the corners of its eyes?

Maddie tried to get it out of her head. Anyway, it’s not that important. Phantoms have always been atypical. She’ll come home, take a warm shower, and tell Danny how much she loves him.

~~~~~

Maddie: My son is a strong boy and Dan: He’s weak! He’s a freak! He can’t handle it, Mom!

Maddie had long pondered this theory since the day Jack admitted that Phantom had misspoke during the fight and called him his father but she had never experienced it before. Or maybe she wasn’t paying attention.

Maddie: Hey, Phantom, just a question, how old are you? Dan: Why are you changing the subject? Twenty-four, twenty-five… Hell, I don’t remember. Stopped counting after 17, nobody cares anyway. And her first months dating Jack were 24 years ago. Right. The eyebrows, the shape of eyes and the height is all from Jack. The waist and the side eye from her. Theoretically. Still need more proof.

~~~~~~

Dan: Is this all your frail human form can do?

Maddie walked past the Casper High playground when she saw a ghost flying around. It was one of the new ones. The Phantom’s full-grown specimen. More dangerous. And totally unpredictable. Maddie squeezed the gun harder. Her theories are just theories and she can’t have such a dangerous spirit near the school, near her children.

Danny: Shut up and give me my bottle of water, asshole.

This voice. Maddie stopped in shock. What’s her boy doing so close to a ghost? He’s always so terrified of them.

Dan: No pull-ups, no water. You need muscles. Without them you’re gonna look like a worm if you’re gonna grow up to be taller than Jack as I am.

Danny: Just so you know, you’re a terrible big brother and I hate you.

Dan: Well, that just means I’m doing a good job.

Danny: When Mom asks who destroyed the furniture in Vlad’s house I’m pointing at you. A little run around town will be good for you. And as they say, Older siblings are like your parents' personal science fair. They're a bunch of experiments.

Dan: ...Just so you know, it sounded completely insane. Terrible. Good job, but don’t go near Dani with those jokes. Jazz will kill us both for setting a bad example. Danny: Bad example? Since when has a good sense of humor become a bad example? Dan: Shut up. Drink water and go to the shower. Jazz is gonna kick my ass if you die of overheating.

Danny: Huh, afraid of one know-it-all? When dad chased you with a bazooka, you didn’t seem scared.

Dan: Сome on, dad has a lot of strengths, yeah, but the ability to aim isn't one of them. And not

Dani: driving a car?

Danny: Right. Wait, how long have you been eavesdropping? Dani: Long enough to blackmail you both. Сomputer’s mine for the rest of the week. Dan and Danny: Shit.

~~~~~

The Invisobill. or Phantom. Ha. Danny Fenton…Danny Phantom. Weston boy said crazy things. Yeah. But what if he was only partially wrong? Everything except the color of its eyes and hair is so much like Danny's. If this were typical manipulation from a ghost hoping to shake the desire of ghost hunters to chase a creature similar to their child, he would have had to give it up months ago. But phantom did not change his disguise. This is his true form. What about ghost girl and older ghost? They are also so young.

Maddie could not sleep. In her head struggled scientist and woman weighed down by feelings of guilt and shame. She was tormented by philosophical problems and religious issues. No, Maddie, not even a neural tube is formed at that time. It was just a collection of cells. It’s not a person. It doesn’t feel pain. And ghosts do not too. Right? Is it even acceptable to compare such things? Is it possible that a ghost is not the remnant of negative human emotions and memories? What is responsible for its formation then? What is the purpose of such a ghost? And more importantly, how long have these ghosts been near and they did not notice? Has the portal become a source of energy necessary for their existence in the physical plane? Or is it only they who have not seen them?

So painful. It’s so unpleasant to think about what monsters they look like to their dear Danny and Jazz. Ghosts or not, she threatened creatures who might have been part of their family in front of her babies. God, naive teens must think that three Phantoms are their siblings or something. Of course! That explains the disappearance of fenton thermos and the way the Phantoms sneak into the portal and Danny’s always somewhere in trouble and…Oh my God, they could be in so much danger! How long has this been going on? No, the real question is..Hm, if this is going on for so long, why haven’t the ghosts done anything…evil? If their nature is in the destruction then why didn’t anything happen? Jack and she would never have missed something that would hurt their children.

~~~~~~

The fight between the Skulker and Invisobill was particularly fierce this time. Maddie was unlucky to be in one of the damaged buildings. But who is she if not a scientist? She will find a way to benefit in such a situation.

Unnecessary risk, completely unprofessional. But… The debris of the wall does not lie on her very tightly and the weapon still with Maddie. Yeah. She has to test her theory. She has to. She can get up and leave if she needs to. Right? A little dizziness never killed anyone. She just feels cold and sounds are strange. Maddie: Help. Help! Someone! M-Maddie? An insecure voice with an echo sounds. Yes, it's near. Maddie: Help! I can’t.. I can’t get up. T-Hard to breathe. Danny: Mum! Mama, hold on, I’m coming.

Phantom checks her pupillary reflex. Who taught him that? Jazz? The touch of his hand, so cold and shaky. Now Maddie really doesn't feel so good. It’s good that the ghost is her boy. She doesn’t have to worry about anything happening to people around. Neither he nor Danny know how to lie. She can breathe. Just cover her eyes for a moment and… Just a few seconds. Phantom:Jazz, Jazz! Call an ambulance. I don’t know what to do. I..I can’t just make mum intangible. What if she has a crush syndrome and I make it worse or… Her boy. Why is Danny so scared? Danny: Tucker, she is bleeding and she’s not responding to me and… Sshh, my little star, is all right. Mom just needs to lie down and rest a little.

~~~~~~

Maddie could not believe that she had actually passed out. But the time spent in the hospital gave her enough time to think about everything.

Maddie: Jack, we need to talk. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I think Phantom, the ghost boy, is actually our son. And I’m sure Danny and Jazz know about it too.

Jack: Honey, are you sure we don’t need to double-check if you have a concussion?

~~~~~~

Maddie and Jack decide to watch surveillance videos for the first time. After all, it concerns the safety of their children, they have the right to know what happens in the house in their absence. Especially when the ghosts are nearby. Children *live in their own sitcom*:

They have seen enough. Maddie decides to check chats on Jazz’s phone. It’s for their safety, only. She’s a good mother but what if the ghosts are up to something?

The chat was so..Teenage? And Chaotic. Normal? No, definitely not. How many times have they punished Danny unfairly? Did Jazz learn to lie and they didn’t even notice? And what the hell, why were they joking about dissection. It’s just awful. They need to talk immediately. No, it will look suspicious. They need to try to make contact with ghosts. And then they’ll all be grounded. All five.

Oh, and she thought two kids were a lot of work. How are they gonna handle three more with the bizarre biology ectology? Do they have hobbies, interests? They are definitely more complicated than theblob-ghosts. Was she wrong? Do they have emotions, a need for socialization? Can she trust her emotions in this matter?

~~~~Bonus~~~~

"What the hell happened to freak’s neck?!"

Danny: Um, excuse me, ma'am, he’s been doing Hatha yoga in India for years. Practice opens up amazing flexibility in the joints! Right, brother?

Dan: Fuck off.

Ma'am: Don’t take me for an idiot! What about his skin color then? Jack: You have something against my son’s tan? Dan: I told you going shopping with me was a bad idea. Dani: If you didn’t scare everyone around, it wouldn’t be so bad.

Dan:...I didn’t even try to do it this time. Why is she meddling?!

~~~Bonus~~~~

Dan: Why am I only third? Dani: Because I have successfully stabbed Danny in the back when he did not expect it. With you he is always waiting for a trick. This makes me much more successful than you :)

[shallowseeker]

And yeah, it sucks, and Dean was cruel and murderous and dehumanizing, but on the other hand, 14 days isn't very long.

And yet, at 14 days, things were already starting to repair and heal with Jack just a little bit, even before Cas came back.

(I've seen it said that this didn't occur till after Cas came back, but in 13x04, Jack's behavior and personality are what began to thaw Dean out and, per the script, "put chinks in his armor.”)

///

Interestingly, even back in 13x02, Dean’s body language doesn't match his words. Here it reads as "move behind me."

///

By the end of 13x04, Dean and Jack are tentatively starting to like each other. They're even a little bit alike in this scene:

*THEM: not looking directly at each other as they say HEY awkwardly*

Jack: Hey.

*Dean, doing the same thing*

This is also maybe the first time Dean calls Jack by his name? (I'd have to check, but I think so.)

*Dean’s eyes flitting around nervously*

Dean: “You did good today (pause) Jack”

Yeah, I think you can make a well-argued case for something-something “conditional love.”

But given the Kelly-Cas brainwashing and everything else that came before, I’d say it’s not unreasonable for Jack to like having established trust. To have earned trust.

Earning trust is important in all relationships, not necessarily always an evil “conditional” thing.

///

Then Dean goes and apologizes to Sam, saying that he was out of line during the therapy session and that he's sorry for being a dick lately.

It's sweet, but also, no one is being very empathetic to Dean and his losses. But I think by this point in Dean's life, Dean's not really expecting that either.

He’s only able to get that support from one person in his life right now: Jody Mills. (13x03) Which is part of why he felt comfy taking the case with her, I think.

Later in this scene, in a break with his past tendencies, Dean will actually try to rely on Sam:

///

DEAN: And he tapped his power and saved our asses, so that's a win.

Sam was right about one thing, though. It wasn't Jack’s powers that impressed Dean, or even being saved. It was the effort.

(Jack's personality was already thawing Dean, too.)

///

The rest of the scene is sweet. Dean tries to see Sam's perspective, and Sam tries to see Dean's.

It's a trading of strength and hope, which is how real families are, too. Our strength and resilience wax and wane, and we share our burdens, but we try to share our hope, too.

This is a rare occasion: Dean is trying to share a burden; he lets Sam know how bad it really is.

(Dundundun! Ellen Harvelle would be proud.)

Dean is accepting that Sam isn't going to get there on his own. So he spells out his despair for him. The Cas of it all.

And Sam seems to get that it’s a Cas thing. That's clear in his behavior in the next episode. And Sam wants to be there for Dean, I don't think that's a lie, but…

Sam ALWAYS wants Dean to tell him stuff like this, to talk out the big stuff. But one of Sam’s hopes is that talking things out will fix them.

(Classic Type-A kinda mentality.)

But THIS? Cas’s death isn't fixable, not quite as nebulous as the mom-in-Apocalypse-World-problem is. (In fact, I wouldn't put it past Sam to have been up all night researching, finding NO way to get Cas back. Alternatively, the constant casework could represent just utter denial.)

Anyhoo, Sam's grieving the losses too, but Dean is different. And unfortunately for Sam, John Winchester's grief was so horrendous and frightening that seeing Dean's, uh, particular kind of grief triggers Sam's panic response.

Just look at Sam’s face here.

SAM's BRAIN: brrrrrrrr RED ALERT brrrrr RED ALERT

*Meanwhile*

///

Next episode (13x05):

We find Sam in a state of near-panic. Just look at that face:

And actually, looking at Sam's D8> here…

..I think it's possible that he TOTALLY knew what the PB&J stuff was about, and his brain went into a meat grinder of:

OH NO FUCK NO NO NOT THIS--I RECOGNIZE THIS. THIS KIND OF GRIEF RUINED MY CHILDHOOD!!!!!111

{8[

Don't Grieve in Front of Me Dean (analysis)

Don't Grieve in Front of Me Dean Redux (s7 analysis)

///

So.

Sam finds a case about best friends. Makes you wonder what he was googling to find it...

And Sam’s distress surrounding the case is interesting, because he is behaving so DIFFERENTLY than he was in 13x02 and 13x03:

Dean: *cue surprise*

Dean is weirded out. Maybe he figured Sam would let him take a real break, or maybe it's just that the timing of Sam’s suggestion of leaving Jack behind feels weird now.

They’ve switched places.

Dean was eager to leave Jack in 13x03, and Sam was the one insisting on them staying with Jack to help him “learn to control his powers.”

Now, in about two weeks’ time, Sam’s like—“Jack has TV! We’ll put up extra warding! It’ll be fiiiine!”

Dean’s brain, probably: Hmmm. Sam is trying to cheer me up, but wow are these about-faces on what's bad parenting and what's good parenting kinda fucked up.

///

And at the end of the episode, Dean tries again to tell Sam just how bad it is (mirroring Mary's willingness to offer up “not being okay” in s12):

And Sam is pretty much at sea.

[ask-dcf]

R.I.P Clover

As many of you know Clover had recently passed away, This had apparently happened while I was out in Florida a few days ago. I will try my best to explain what Mom told me what happened as I’m still a bit in shock as to what happened.

So. A few days ago, right after mom sent me some adorable pics of Clover, clover started to act weird, she was not moving a lot as usual, and then she apparently had a seizure. Bad enough that her back legs had stopped working for a bit. Mom immediately rushed her to the vet and asked for the best vet to have a look at her… Apparently Clover had a heart condition that she was born with that was not able to let her live, despite having birth issues she seemed fine at first, but apparently this heart condition was rare and had been with her since she was born. Mom did everything she could but the Vet said there was nothing they could do… Mom wanted me to try and see her one last time and see if we could hold off on letting her be… “Relieved from this life”…. However she was suffering and it would only hurt her more. Mom being the gentle lady she is approved the “relief” and held her in her arms as she was given the medicine to have her sleep… The whole time she told me Clover was purring in her arms feeling comfortable till she stopped. Mom was as devastated as I was and crying I my arms as I was… It was so much for me to handle that it made me regret leaving her for the last time…. I felt enraged that I wasn’t there for her in her last moments…

But…

One thing she did tell me actually made happy…. The vet said that the heart condition usually took the life of cats at a very early age. The vet never saw any cat with this heart condition that was this big and this old. Despite Clover not even being a year old, she had lived a lot longer than any cat that had the heart condition she had… Which the Vet deduced one thing as to why…. Because she was given a lot of love and care into her… Clover passed… but she was happy with the life we had given her… Despite her crazy nature… she felt loved and was happy… Which made me happy….

As of now I’m still crying over what happened. But I’m slowly getting better. I won’t be doing any work on the blogs today as I need a bit to recover… Promise I’ll be back soon…

As for Clover….

Rest well my lucky little one… I hope Tiger and Copper takes you in and give you as much love as they did for me.

Rest little one… I will always love you… my lucky little girl…

[narrans]

My Borrowed Son | 14 | Parker's Place

Chapter Fourteen | Parker’s Place

For the past three years, Parker had been a completely virtual student on a medical conditional pass signed off on by his pediatrician and his mom.

His first day of school was a terrifying one. Parker’s mom had set up a special classroom area with a camera for him to be seen as well as a computer for him to watch the lectures on. Perhaps it was because it was a private school versus a public school, but Parker felt like he was just like any other student.

Mr. William Tamplin was a great teacher and he always made sure everyone was seen and heard if they had questions. He was a curious man with black rimmed glasses that reminded Parker of the ones Clark Kent would wear. He had sandy blond-brown hair, like Parker, but he had pale blue eyes like glacier ice. He was a young teacher, but he knew the answer to everything, even though he usually taught English.

Parker’s other teachers were nice, but they weren’t the same as Mr. Tamplin.

On that first day, Mr. Tamplin had Parker introduce himself and talk a little about what he liked and what he wanted to learn. All of the other teachers had Parker do the same thing as the camera and screen that represented him was shown to the class.

Parker had never seen so many children his age before, and he was both excited and terrified. When he was in Mr. Tamplin’s class, however, he felt safe, especially when it came to questions about why Parker couldn’t come to class. That was another thing Parker liked about Mr. Tamplin. He, unlike the other teachers, didn’t request that Parker explain anything about his condition.

Parker and his mom went over the details in depth every day to make sure Parker didn’t say too much. For whatever reason, Parker’s mom seemed uneasy about Parker sharing the name of his condition and details about it. It was weird, but the small child figured that it was such a rare condition that not much was known about it and that he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions he would receive.

“So, Parker, if anyone asks…”

“I know, mom. I just say that I have a special medical condition that is still being explored. It’s not contagious, but it just makes me a little fragile, so I have to stay put at home until we find a better solution,” recited Parker.

It was the same thing he told everyone in his classes and to his teachers.

There were a few who asked further questions when he was in private group study sessions or if they had free chat time and one of the kids came up and decided to talk to Parker, but Parker’s responses were always the same, and so the topics were changed.

Through his fall and spring of his first year, Parker made several friends. There was Bailey, a black haired girl who loved to draw, and Billie, a kid who couldn’t hold still to save his life. The three of them were fast friends because of their love of the same cartoons and, with Amanda’s permission, the three of them had phone calls and video chats outside of school hours.

Neither of them seemed interested in Parker’s condition and, for them, it was cool having a virtual friend. Sometimes, they even called Parker “the spaceman,” pretending he was in some kind of protected facility that was doing research on Mars or whatever.

In the end, it didn’t matter. They had continued to be friends all through his classes, even as he excelled in nearly all of his subjects and jumped grades. Parker was good at making friends and learned quickly how to socialize without bringing up his special circumstances and condition.

Now, for the first time, he was getting an actual birthday party.

True, it was still virtual for all of his friends to log in, but it was going to be the greatest thing ever!

“Hey, mom? I know it’s a little early, but could I go ahead and log into Discord?” asked Parker as he tapped on the mouse. He was so close, tantalizingly so, to spending a great afternoon with his friends. The mouse danced across the screen over the camera image, highlighting it every time it traced over the icon.

Amanda approached and looked at the camera and its placement in Parker’s room. It looked like everything was set up to avoid showing too much about him and his room. The thought of someone seeing Parker for the size he was felt close – too close, but she wanted to give Parker this birthday.

He was thirteen after all.

She thought of the gifts she had prepared for him and hoped she was doing the right thing with it.

Years passed and now he was officially a teenager.

The time really had gone by so fast.

“Sure,” she replied after a moment. “I don’t see why not. If you have any problems with the program or camera, just let me know. And remember…”

“About my condition and what we talked about. I remember mom. Thanks!” Parker clicked on the camera icon so fast that it made Amanda’s head spin. She carefully tiptoed away and listened as Parker began calling out to his friends.

The moment his mom gave the go-ahead, Parker saw that Billie and Bailey were already online and ready for him. He eagerly entered the “Parker’s Party” channel he created and watched as his friends’ faces flickered onto the screen.

“Hey spaceman!” greeted Billie. He leaned forward so his nose was blown out of proportion. The grin he had on his face was absolutely priceless.

“Sup man! How’ve you been?” asked Parker as he leaned back in his chair and stared at the camera at his friends.

“Hey! What about me?” asked Bailey. She was dressed in a pretty pink dress and folded her arms in a full body pout.

“Hey there to you too Bailey,” Parker said with a wave. “You guys are the first online. Any word from Spencer or Selina?”

“No, not yet.” Billie’s connection garbled his response but cleared up shortly after. “But you know them. Twins dude. They’ll be online together or never.”

“I hear ya on that,” Parker replied. Just then, Spencer and Selina’s icons popped into the chat followed shortly by ten other friends Parker invited.

The chat and the cameras were filled with cheering and kids talking over one another, creating jumbled connections and amusing breaks in conversation. Games began of Among Us, Speed Racer, and a few other odd ones that Parker was able to access on his device.

After games and other discussions of the fun, nerdy things they were watching or reading, they took a break to sing happy birthday and open the cards they all made for Parker. Because of his condition, Parker requested that his friends make cards for him that they could send to him later.

They were all hilarious.

Parker was rolling on the ground laughing, as was everyone else, and they decided to have an impromptu competition for whose card was the best.

Selina won, naturally. Her sketching abilities were unparalleled, and her use of humor was worthy of the Sunday funnies. The image was Parker in a spacesuit hovering over planets with Mars in the background. It looked like he was outside of some big space station and the caption read, “Comet me, bro!” and underneath read, “I wanted to have a space-themed birthday party, but there was no one to planet. Happy Birthday Parker!” What really caught Parker’s eye was the little heart next to Selina’s name.

“Wow, Selina. That one is fantastic,” Parker complemented.

“Awww! Thanks Parker! Thanks guys!” said Selina with a wink. For whatever reason, Parker felt his heart flutter and his insides flip when he was Selina staring directly into the camera right at him. It was like she was right there looking into his eyes. “Only the best for my bestie.”

“What!” Billie roared. “He’s my bestie!”

“Uh, I talked to him first, so he’s my bestie,” retorted Bailey.

“Can’t you all be my besties?” asked Parker, recovering

Hours passed and, eventually, everyone was called away for dinner or some other activity. Parker waved his hand and wished his friends a great day, and all wished him a happy birthday.

Finally, it was just Bailey and Selina left.

“Well, Parker, I hope you had a great birthday,” said Bailey. “And don’t worry! I’ll be sending you my card A.S.A.P!”

“Yeah, same here,” chimed in Selina. The look the two of them gave one another made Parker’s hair stand on end. It was like there was some unspoken rivalry between the two of them that, for one reason or another, involved him. Parker wasn’t sure really what was going on, but he didn’t want to get in the middle of it.

There was that instinct in him to back away slowly and hide under something big and tall, but Parker held his ground and swallowed his apprehension, addressing his friends

“Well, I can’t wait to get them,” said Parker. He stared into the faces of his friends for a little while longer before Bailey’s mom could be heard in the background calling for her. She huffed dramatically and leaned forward.

“You’ll be getting mine first, so message me as soon as you get it, okay? Talk to you soon Parker! Bye!” said Bailey as she disconnected. Parker looked back at Selina, now realizing she was staring right at him. Her cheeks were a little rosy and the light hit her eyes in a way that made Parker’s insides flip.

He swallowed dryly, but Selina spoke first.

“I’ll be sending mine first, but I wanted to ask if it’s okay if I post it on my Tumblr account before I do. I wanted it to just be for you, but it would be good for my portfolio. I’m applying to the Visual Arts program and want to get some traction,” Selina requested. Parker nodded, but a curiosity tugged at his mind.

“Sure, I don’t have a problem with that, but what’s Tumblr?” asked Parker.

“What? I’m surprised you don’t have one for your writing and everything,” Selina replied. “It’s just a place online for you to submit your stories, poetry, art, and all of that stuff. You should totally make one! I’ll be your first follower!”

Parker hadn’t really thought about publishing his scribblings. Mr. Tamplin was always complementary of his work, encouraging him to do more, and his other writing teachers and tutors said he had a gift for the written word.

Maybe it was worth a shot.

At the very least, it would give him a chance to make more friends.

“Sure. I mean, I have to double check with my mom and everything, but I’ll send you the link if I get one. Sound good?”

“Great! Well, I’ll talk to you soon! Bye Parker!”

The connection was cut and, once again, Parker was left alone in his room, his camera being the only one facing him. He stared at the lens and at his own reflection in the shaped glass. He wasn’t sure why, but it made him feel the slightest bit lonely.

Despite having friends and being online with them for hours, it didn’t change the fact that he was still completely and utterly alone.

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.”

Parker turned around to see his mom approaching with a cake with two tiny candles labeled “1” and “3” on top. It was his favorite, a strawberry cake, and he stepped out of his room to the bedside table to greet her.

“Thanks, mom,” smiled Parker as he gazed up at her. She balanced his cake, which was about as big as his torso, on the tips of her fingers as she smiled at him.

“You’re so welcome,” she said, her adoration clearly audible. “Now, you know the rule. Take a big breath and make a wish.”

She held up her phone camera and hit record. Parker took a few deep breaths, unsure of what to wish for, and stared at the melting wax as it dripped down the edge of the candle.

What did he want?

What was his desire?

He had friends and time at school. He had technology and knick knacks as well as all of the books he could possibly want.

The only thing he would really want was to actually go outside and play with his friends, but that wasn’t possible. It was too dangerous for him, as his mother explained on numerous occasions.

Parker knew the wax wasn’t dripping any slower so, without a wish ready and writing himself a rain check, he blew out the candles.

“Yay! Happy birthday, sweetie,” Amanda said as she set Parker’s cake over onto the small table she brought with her. “Now, do you want cake or presents first?” Parker knew the answer already and, leaving his momentary sadness behind, he decided to enjoy the day rather than be brought down.

“Presents please,” he said as he stepped onto his mom’s awaiting hand. His mom’s smile broadened.

“I hoped you would say that. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to start with the biggest one first. Otherwise, the others aren’t going to make sense,” said Amanda. She carefully stood and walked out of the bedroom and toward her office.

Parker leaned forward to look down over the edge of his mom’s hand at the vast distance below him. Something about the height was enticing and thrilling to him. It made his mom anxious anytime he was near the edge, but something inside him said that he could fall and be fine.

“Okay, I really hope you like it, but do not feel pressured into liking it,” said his mom. Parker felt confused as he looked away from the ground and toward the table by the side of the room. Immediately, his mind went blank as he looked at the thing on the table.

It was a miniature house.

It was made of pale blue panels and even had light brown shingles and white trim on the windows and doors. From what Parker could tell, there was nothing on the inside except for a few wrapped presents. It was three stories tall and had a little porch area with a gazebo.

He honestly wasn’t sure what to make of it until his mom asked, “Do… you like it?”

Parker, still unsure, gestured to the front door and his mom carefully set him down. The miniscule boy stepped up onto the porch, noticing how the steps were perfectly set for him. There was a wooden sign on the door that caught his attention immediately, adding to his swirling emotions.

“Parker’s Place”

He reached out and pushed the door open, noting the hinges were just like the ones on the big doors, just smaller.

When he entered the main area, he spotted a set of stairs on the left hand side as well as two entryways leading to two rooms. The rooms themselves were massive, to the point where Parker could run from one side to the other, spin around, and stretch without fear of hitting anything around him.

The outside world shifted as the house spun effortlessly around and the far wall opened up into two separate panels. His mom knelt down and watched him intently as he walked over to the right and into the kitchen. There was a box which had a bit of a hum to it and, when Parker opened it, the air was cold.

Parker, fascinated, turned on his heel and ran into the next room, seeing some old looking wallpaper and several large windows that led to the gazebo.

He needed to see more.

Adrenaline and curiosity fueled him as he sprinted up the stairs, each fitting him perfectly, as he found three new rooms with large windows all around. Still, there was another set of stairs. Parker glanced into the other rooms and found what looked like a miniature bathroom and what could be a bedroom before running upstairs to the top floors. Parker didn’t even mind that he ran past a stack of presents to continue his exploring.

There were two smaller rooms with a narrow entryway to get in, but it was still a massive space.

Now practically at eye-level with his mom, he turned around and looked into her eyes, his words finally manifesting.

“What… is this?”

“It’s a little house made for you,” she replied. Parker spun around in the space, mind still wrapping around the concept.

“For… people like me? But… how? Why?” Something felt odd about this place; like some kind of trap. Parker couldn’t explain the feeling, but something about this place didn’t quite feel right – like he didn’t quite belong there.

“Yes, something along those lines. Do you remember our conversation the other day about how you’re getting older and… things are going to be changing a bit?” asked his mom. Parker nodded vaguely while his mind processed how perfectly everything about this house fit him and why it didn’t feel right.

“Yes, I remember.”

“Well, you’re getting older now and I think it’s time that you had a larger space to call your own,” said Amanda. “It’ll let you gain a little independence and give you a little more freedom and privacy. You can decorate everything how you’d like, and we can set up the hot and cold water and lights together if you want.”

Parker stared around at the vast space.

Except for his room, he had always been surrounded by things that were immense compared to him. His tablet. The books his mom borrowed from the library. The camera he used for class.

Everything was big…

And now it wasn’t.

Parker finally pinpointed the feeling swirling inside him that overrode the sensation of this place feeling like a weird trap.

Normal.

He had always felt normal, but now the world around him felt like it fit him.

“Parker?” His mom’s voice pulled him back to the moment. “Do… you like it? Remember, you can say no. I just tho-”

“I love it.”

Amanda couldn’t be more relieved. She had been holding her breath the entire time Parker explored the dollhouse she purchased online for him. It was a miracle he didn’t find it sooner, but thankfully she had only had it for a few days. Dragging the package through to her office while Parker was in class was her saving grace.

Now, seeing the smile spreading across his face, it made it all worth it.

Yes, she felt an immense guilt for buying a dollhouse when Parker obviously was a person but keeping him in a shoebox on her bedside table felt wrong now that he was officially a teenager.

“You really like it?” asked Amanda, her voice choking up as she looked into those thoughtful brown orbs belonging to her son.

“Yeah, this place is sweet! I mean, it kinda has a weird smell and will need some stuff, but I’ve got so many cool places to go now! I can have a library and book area over on the gazebo in that side room. Bedroom is above that. Upstairs here is the recording, writing, reading area. I get a kitchen and my own bathroom too?” Parker felt himself geeking out.

“Well, I’m thrilled you like it,” said his mom, wiping her eyes with the heel of her palm. “Anyway, your other presents are related to this place, so I hope you like them.”

Parker could barely contain himself.

He sprinted down the stairs, reveling in how they were perfectly sized just for him, and tore open the presents. Some of them were games he had wanted to buy and the others were gift cards. One gift card was from a place called “Tay Models” that really intrigued him.

“It’s an independent company that makes furniture and accessories for people like you,” replied Amanda. A pang of guilt hit her, but she disguised it behind a smile. Tay Models came up during a search for dollhouse accessories and furniture, but nothing on the website indicated that it was meant for toys and dolls that were Parker’s size.

It was the best solution she could come up with without telling Parker more about the condition she had fabricated to keep him – both of them – safe.

“No way!” Parker was overjoyed and eagerly leapt down out of the house and onto the table to hug his mom’s fingers. “Thanks mom! When can we start working on the water and motors and lights?”

Amanda swallowed hard and nodded. “Today, if you want.”

Parker beamed at her and nodded.

“Yes, please. And… momma… could I sleep in here tonight? Move some of my things in here?” asked Parker. The question made a lump form in Amanda’s throat. This would be the first time Parker would be sleeping in another place instead of right beside her.

It made Amanda feel hollow but also reassured at the same time. She knew it was probably unhealthy to have her son sleeping in the same room within arm’s length of her for the majority of his life, but only now did she feel like she could leave him to his own devices.

Parker was a trustworthy boy, and now he was going to be able to practice his independence at a safe distance.

“Of course, sweetie,” she replied as she turned her hand and Parker leapt on, ready for the next phase of his life.

The rest of the evening was eventful to say the least. Both Amanda and Parker had accidentally soaked themselves while getting the water running in both the kitchen and the bathroom, which was the essential if Parker was going to stay in Parker’s Place.

The two of them had dinner and cake while reading the manual on how to set up the electricity of the house but elected by unanimous vote to work on it tomorrow in favor of watching a double feature before bed.

Parker drifted off to sleep at one point through the movie, leaving his mom to carry him to bed, but woke just long enough to give his mom a kiss goodnight and tuck himself in under his blankets. He stared at the ceiling that, for once, didn’t tower above him.

Things were different, both weird and good, and Parker was excited for the things he was going to get to do with his place.

He drifted into a dream filled sleep of far off adventures and worlds beyond comprehension. When he woke, he hurriedly scribbled down his thoughts and what he remembered about the dream, realizing that it would be an amazing plot for a story.

He suddenly felt like it was a shame to keep all of his ideas to himself. He stared at the countless notebooks that were scattered on the ground and, suddenly, it hit him.

Parker knew what he wanted for his birthday – to be able to publish his ideas.

So, as he stood and stretched, one of his objectives of the day became crystal clear.

He was going to start publishing, just like Selina said, and it was going to start today.

~~~~~^*^*^*^*^~~~~~

Continue

Previous

Beginning

[iruinn]

every breath of yours is a prayer to my temple ❀ iwaizumi hajime x reader

summary :

Iwaizumi has no soulmarks. He is fine with this. Iwaizumi is also a liar.

cw : smut (mild degradation, unprotected sex)

general tags/notes : OOCness, oikawa/female OC(not reader!), some one-sided pining on iwaizumi's part, as always unbeta read.

read on ao3 here

wc : 6656

MINORS DNI! ty

1.

There are a few unshakeable facts Iwaizumi has always known, as steady as the sun rising in the east. 

His mom and dad are extremely, almost disgustingly in love. Their matching timers (both reading 00:00:00, the countdown having finished far before Hajime was barely a twinkle in his parents' eyes) displayed proudly, 

Oikawa Tooru is his best friend. Despite the soulmark on his upper back (A black crown, standing out against his pale skin), Oikawa has always insisted on Hajime being first in his life. From when they were young, knobbly knees bumping into each other on bus rides back home to now, as he feels of the volleyball reaching his palm perfectly as he smashes it to the other side of the court, its always been Tooru and Hajime. 

Iwaizumi doesn't have a soulmate. 

"I mean," Matsukawa mutters. "Maybe it's just not the type of soulmark that manifests until you meet your soulmate? I've heard of soulmarks like those, rare as they are." 

Iwaizumi doesn't know about that. Wouldn't he have felt the presence of a soulmate? Don't people always talk about how they feel a piece of themselves missing until they meet their other half? 

"Hey, maybe that feeling is just due to the expectation of knowing your soulmate is somewhere out there, you know? Like, you don't actually feel anything but you think you do because you're so conditioned to missing a part of yourself." Hanamaki throws out his hands, spreading them like he had just impressed the wisdom of the ages upon them. Iwaizumi snorts, shaking his head.

"Dude, I think you're delusional."

The comment earns him a punch to the shoulder, but he just shakes it off, dodging Hanamaki's fists. It didn't matter, anyway. He didn't really need a soulmate. He had his team, and he had volleyball. Things were fine as they were, and Iwaizumi would be happy if they continued like this, always. The setting sun behind their backs, as he slung his arms around Oikawa's shoulders, grabbing him in a headlock and ruffling up his disgustingly perfect hair, the laughter of his friends in the spring air. 

He should have known it was too good to last. 

The beginning of the end started with her, he thinks.

A new manager, after their last one had graduated. She slotted into their life, neatly and without pause, like a missing puzzle piece that they didn't realize was missing until it was before them. 

She immediately incited a feeling of overprotectiveness in the team. She laughed along to Hanamaki's and Mattsun's jokes, listened patiently to the excitable first years, and was immediately there to calm him down when he got too angry at Oikawa's flippishness, and recognized when Oikawa was overworking himself and put her foot down to stop him. (Even if it didn't work. Not much could stop Oikawa when he was determined.) 

 His breath caught in his throat, as his team members had thrown sideway glances at him, knowing he was in the same situation. She notices their attention, and looks at him questioningly too. 

And yet, for all her cheerfulness, there were moments where she was overcome by a weird melancholy. Times when she glimpsed the soulmark on Oikawa's back, when his shirt rode up too high, when she noticed Yahaba's nose sometimes bleeding on its own (of all the soulmarks, a shared pain one was definitely an absolute pain in the ass), when she noticed the easy energy between Hanamaki and Matsukawa-

The entire team had noticed, especially Oikawa, who was always doted a lot more on her during those moments. His coy yells of "Manager-chan~" almost always succeeded those moments, as he would proceed to badger her and distract her. 

It's an overnight training camp, over barbeque where she opens up, her voice carrying among the silence underneath the stars. 

"I don't have a soulmate. Never will, I think."

"Ah, that's okay. I don't have one either. But I've never really felt the need for one anyway." He coughs, his ears turning red at the scrutiny. She observes him quietly and quirks an eyebrow. 

"We're in the same boat, Iwaizumi-kun! We have to stick together then!"

He raises his skewer to her in a mimicry of a toast, relishing the sound of her laughter.

Hajime wonders if he's allowed to feel more for her. Was it worth mangling their dynamic so he could reach out and push one of her flowing strands of hair behind her ear? To reach down and take her lips, cupping the back of her neck in his palm? Was he made for her, their unmarked bodies in harmony with each other?

That day results in a change. Oikawa and Iwaizumi  become Oikawa, Iwaizumi and her. She joins them on their walks home now, linking her arms with theirs, as she laughs at him and Oikawa ribbing each other. Their movie nights now have her sprawled across Oikawa's lap, her legs in his as they relentlessly mocked bad horror movies together, throwing popcorn at each other. She watches, water bottles and towels at ready as they relentlessly practice serves and spikes.

The best things come in threes, don't they? 

This friendship of his, their trio, was so precious to him, and he wanted it to remain unbroken. He would push down his feelings for her if he had to protect it. 

Their third and final year of high school arrives with a rush, and with it a sense of finality. The last year of volleyball he'd enjoy with his team, and their final chance to enter the Nationals. The insurmountable wall that was Shiratorizawa loomed over them as always, but this year would be different. It had to be. 

Karasuno was a surprise. Seeing the grumpy kid that used to lurk around Oikawa now become a monstrous setter an extremely unpleasant one, watching Oikawa's anger at the prodigy gutting. But this was just another opponent to crush on their way to the nationals, and he ensured that his spikes were at their fiercest. Karasuno is vanquished, but he knows that the team is stumbling and will be scary once they find their wings. He thinks Oikawa has realized it too. 

The tiny middle blocker from Karasuno makes him feel...weird. A yearning he didn't think was possible to feel. He's mildly insulted that its the annoying chibi of all people that brings it out of him. 

Matsukawa laughs and laughs. "Hey, maybe he's your soulmate?" 

Oikawa's head whips around, and walks up he grips Iwaizumi's head between his hands. "If your soulmate is Tobio's minion, I will never forgive you, Iwa-chan!" Iwaizumi sputters, headbutting him. "Shittykawa, you'd think it'd be a bit more obvious if he was!" 

Iwaizumi wonders when he became Tooru-kun to her. 

Their manager watches them both wrestle, a smile on her face. "Tooru-kun and me will support you no matter what, you know that right?"

"Ah, Iwa-chan...we're together now."

The world ends on a Thursday.

Iwaizumi knew he should have stayed in bed today. Her nervous stride as she slinks up to him forms a strange pit in his stomach. The pink spots of color high up on her cheekbones, her face fighting off a smile. The way Oikawa walks alongside her, her arms linked to his. The way he feels like an intruder now, a voyeur to moments he shouldn't be witnessing. 

He knows what Oikawa is about to say even before he opens his mouth. 

He wonders how he didn't see it before. She covers her face with her hands, blushing furiously, but Oikawa continues looking at him, waiting for something. 

Iwaizumi smiles, punches his best friend in the shoulder lightly. It's okay. Maybe things could still be the same. He turns to her and snorts. "You sure you want to put up with this dumbass?" 

They laugh together, the tension dissipating. He walks with them, but the distance between them has widened. A bitter part of Iwaizumi wonders why Oikawa had to go for her when he had his own soulmate, but he knows that is a selfish thought. He wonders how much of his feelings was solely because they both happened to lack soulmates. 

Oikawa whines, a relieved look crossing his face, so quickly that Iwaizumi wonders if he imagined it. "Iwa-chan, you're so mean! You're still number 1 in my heart, you know?" 

"Shittykawa, have you taken one too many volleyballs to the face or something?" 

It would be nice, he thinks. To have someone to call his own. He watches his best friends as they shyly steal glances at each other, faces red,  and despite that bitterness he hopes they're happy together. And maybe if she met someone despite not having a soulmate, he could too. 

Iwaizumi curses as he strides down the corridor, knowing he's late. Oikawa had slunk away somewhere, and the next match was theirs, but their coach sends  him away to track down their captain. The spring tournament is their last chance at Nationals, and he is extremely high strung already. 

Where had he seen that before? It comes to him in a rush, and he realizes she's a Karasuno student. 

He's too lost in his thoughts to notice the whirlwind barreling down his path, their collision imminent. He notices the girl a second too late, and he struggles to halt his stride, but she crashes into him, sending them both to the floor. 

"Shit,can't you see where you're going??" He yells, and the lump on top of him groans, slowly lifting its head from his chest. He notices her uniform first, the familiarity striking.

The second thing he notices is her forehead and part of her cheek glowing different colours, iridescent. She looks down at him from her position and yelps, her expression going from annoyance to shock as she stares at his face. He feels his heart beating faster, his eyes refusing to leave those glowing marks, watching as they slowly fade away. 

He straightens, grabbing her raised hand, and the places where their skin touches flares to life with color.

She's the most beautiful person he's ever seen, he realizes. 

He sits up, and she flushes red, realizing she's on his lap. She still doesn't move, and raises her hand slowly. He watches, frozen, as she pokes his cheek, almost in a trance. She pulls her finger away, and he notices it's glowing, orange and red. She looks at her finger and at his cheek, and he feels the place she poked him blaze with warmth. He thinks it could burn a hole in him. 

There are a few unshakeable facts Iwaizumi thought he'd always known. They might not have been as immovable as he thought they were. 

His mom and dad are extremely, almost disgustingly in love. Their matching timers (both reading 00:00:00, the countdown having finished far before Hajime was barely a twinkle in his parents' eyes) displayed proudly. 

Oikawa Tooru is his best friend. It's not just Tooru and Hajime anymore, but maybe that's okay. 

Iwaizumi doesn't have might have desperately hopes he's not mistaken  has a soulmate.

2.

You have a soulmate. 

At least, you think you do. You throw the volleyball to your cousin, watching him stumble to receive it. 

"What makes you so sure you do, (name)?" Hinata asks, curious. He tosses the ball back to you and you catch it cleanly, spinning it on a finger. You think it's a fair question. After all, you don't have a soulmark, unlike Hinata. 

"It's just a feeling, you know?" You shrug. "Like I just know there's someone out there for me." You drop the ball, flopping onto the grass under you, and your cousin bounds up to you, throwing his arms around your neck. You pat his fluffy orange hair, feeling a rush of affection. "Of course, it's just a feeling. I'm not as lucky as you, to have such a pretty soul mark." 

Hinata scrambles away from you, lifting his shirt and grimacing. The golden fox is bright, and you wonder what kind of person it belongs to. They must certainly be somewhat flashy, and you're very curious to see how they'd fit your cousin. 

You giggle, getting up and brushing the grass off your shorts, pulling Hinata up with you. "Come on nerd, let's go get some more practice in before Auntie calls us for dinner."

"Blech! I don't care about soulmates anyway! I just want to play some volleyball! I'm gonna play before I graduate middle school, I swear!" 

You believe him. There's very little your cousin can't do when he puts his mind to it. You shoot him a thumbs up and he grins at you. "For what its worth, I think you have a soulmate too! They have to be a really cool person, though, or I'm fighting them off!"

He cheers, and you follow him, your spirits high. 

You've lived with your aunt and cousins for as long as you've remembered. Your parents had died when you were really young, and your mother's sister had taken you in. You got along with your cousins like a house on fire, immediately charmed by Hinata and Natsu. Despite the two year difference between you and Hinata, you both were really close, and you went along with most of his whims, encouraging his interest in volleyball and practicing with him outside your house , throwing the ball at him for hours on end, while Natsu cheered you both on. 

You were happy when he decided to join the same school you were in, even though you'd both only get to share one year together, since you're already in your last year of high school. You both cycle to school together on the first day, and you listen to him chatter away about joining the volleyball club. You remember that the volleyball club at your school didn't have a lot of success, but you hope your cousin has a good time regardless. 

The next day, you laugh high and loud when Daichi grabs you and shakes you, calling your cousin a menace. You know he'd grow on Daichi eventually. The competition the captain had set certainly explained the fervor with which Hinata had practiced back home. 

Reaching school, you see the captain of the team is in your class, Daichi. You're pretty friendly with him and you stride up to him, leaning on his back. He yelps in surprise, then grins back at you when he notices you. "(name), hey! We're in the same class again!"

You smirk, bumping fists with him. "I can't believe we're in our last year of high school already! It feels like yesterday, stumbling into class in out first year..."

He sighs. "Yeah, it's our last shot at making something of the volleyball team too." 

"Speaking off..." You trail off, and he looks at you, curious.  "My baby brother is in his first year of high school and he might be, no scratch that, he's definitely applying to the team. Be nice to him, okay?" 

He raises an eyebrow. "I make no promises. Is he any good at playing?" 

You shrug. "He's short and spunky, real fast. I think he can do anything he puts his mind to, he's just a bit....over excitable." 

You're not surprised when he becomes a full fledged member of the team. 

You try to keep up with your cousin's matches, but your own classes and your determination to get into a good college had you busy for most of the days. You did always make time for when he talked about his matches against the other schools and his own rival/teammate, Kageyama. 

You notice immediately when he comes home one day from a match, quiet. You tilt your head at him questioningly, and he plops down next to you on the ground, sprawling over you. 

"Get off, you lump!" You giggle, pushing him aside, and he whines. "We won today, a practise match against a team. Aobajohsai." 

You fistbump him, but he's clearly out of it, returning it with much less enthusiasm than he normally would. "You're..not as excited as I thought you would be about that."

He sits up, shaking his head. "I am! But their captain didn't join until the very last set, and he was scary." 

"Want me to come to your next match against them and beat him up?" You grin, flashing your muscles (they're very pitiful muscles, unfortunately), and he snorts. "Nah, we'll just win against them again next time! I'm gonna be the best decoy ever!" 

You mildly worry over what Daichi was making your brother do. A decoy? At least he still looked extremely excited about it. You think he wants to tell you about something else, but he shakes the thought away, and you decide to let him be. 

The following weeks bring with it the interhigh, and you hear the volleyball team has been doing pretty well, winning their first two matches. You wave at the team one morning when they're heading out, looking extremely nervous, and you giggle at the second years that immediately pounce on Hinata, asking him how they knew you. You wish them luck, before heading into your school. You're sure they'll bring about another victory.

It's a surprise when Hinata comes home late at night, his eyes red and face rubbed. You bite your lip, realising what happened and watch him absent mindedly fool around with the ball.

"Want to talk about it? 

He sniffs, rubbing his eyes. "We lost. To the grand king."  You tsk. You're not sure who the grand king is, though. 

"Was it close?" He nods, and you put an arm around his shoulder, bringing him into a hug. "You'll get them next time. There isn't much that can keep you down, and your team looks crazy enough to be the same." You think he knows this already, but you're a supportive big sister and you'll give him all the reassurance and praise he deserves. 

He perks up, like he's remembering something. "Oh yeah, (name)! There's a spiker on Aobajohsai who makes me feel weird? His spikes are so cool, they're like BWAAH but he feels very familiar to me somehow..." 

You were halfway to the kitchen, ready to pull out a knife when he said this spiker felt weird, but that explanation was even more bewildering. "Maybe he's your soulmate?" You wonder out loud, and he shakes his head resolutely. "He isn't, I'm sure. Besides, he doesn't really feel like a fox...." 

You point out that his actual soulmate might not feel like one too, but it falls on deaf ears. The conversation is derailed with the both of you discussing whether Hinata's soulmark meant that his soulmate would be a foxy person, and you poke and tease at his red cheeks.

You shake your pom poms at Daichi and Kiyoko, questioningly. "You know, I came here to support my brother, not to become a de facto cheerleader for your baby nerds." 

You had a free day from classes, and decided to accompany the volleyball team to their Spring high. You were already beginning to regret the decision when Kiyoko and the other tiny manager had procured a couple of pom-poms mysteriously from nowhere, pressing them onto you. 

Daichi gives you a thumbs up, enthusiastically. "(name), supporting our team as a cheer leader IS supporting Hinata. We're all a team!" 

You narrow your eyes at him suspiciously, glancing at Kiyoko, but she just shrugs at you. "Whatever gets them hyped up." 

Resigned, you're glad you decided to doll yourself up a bit for the matches. You'd make the other teams jealous of Hinata for having a cute cheerleader on their side. You nod, resolutely, holding back a grimace when you notice the team looking extremely nervous.

They would be fine...right?

You decide to go hunt down some stomach medicine for the freckled first year, who looked like he was a second away from blowing his breakfast all over the court. Throwing a salute to Kiyoko, you stride away, breaking into a quick jog down the corridors when you hear the announcer. 

You crash into someone at full speed, and you have just enough time to yell out an "Oh shit!" before you take the person down, landing on top of them. The first thing your brain notices is how hard and muscly the body under you is, and you find yourself turning red, pushing yourself up on the boy quickly, stopping when you see his face. 

He's...really handsome. You're kind of mad at how handsome he is. Thick furrowed eyebrows, cute spiky hair, and body built like a brickhouse, and tan cheeks dusted with a pink, that was probably mirroring yours. 

Except...his chin and most of his neck is glowing with a really pretty combination of blue and purple. It looks kind of silly, but they fade away even as you watch. The boy sits up in a hurry, and the position ends up with you on his lap, and you feel your face getting hotter. You look down and notice your own hands are also covered in a weird glow. 

What the...

You raise your hand to his face, unable to stop yourself. You had a hypothesis, and your brain was running at a hundred miles an hour. 

The boy watches you as you press a finger to his face, feeling his warm skin. You pull your finger away and it blazes a bright orange, the spot where you pressed against his cheek also glowing, like a facsimile of a highlight. 

He grabs your hand, and the both of you stare at your interlocked hands, the colors forming slowly where your skin touches. 

Well. You're glad your suspicions about having a soulmate didn't let you down. You kind of think you hit the jackpot with him too, considering he was one of the hottest people you've ever seen. 

His face is blazing red. "What..?" 

Ah.

"I did not mean to say that loud..." You realize you're still on his lap, and you scramble back. He snorts, getting up, and pulling yourself up with him. You note he still hasn't let go of your hand. 

The announcer blares out, and the both of you jump like you're struck by lightning, the dreamy moment broken. He straightens, and points to you.

"After my match." He looks over you, and winces, remembering something. "You're a Karasuno student, huh...I'm pretty sure our next match is against your team. I'll find you after we win." 

You puff up in indignation. The audacity! 

"My baby brother and his team are going to kick your ass!" You stomp your feet, turning around to storm away, your hair whipping around your face. You feel a hand wrap around your upper arm as he pulls you back into him, snorting in amusement at your anger. 

"You're also really pretty, by the way." You huff, looking around for people before reaching in and pressing a quick kiss to his cheeks, extremely light and quick, the only hint of it the light glow on his cheek that fades away in a second. You wonder if your lips are tinted. You guess they are, from the way he stares at them. 

"Charmer. I'll see you later. Sorry about rooting against you." 

You escape his grasp while he's still shocked from your kiss, winking at him. You had a nervous team to cheer for.

You hunt down your soulmate after the match. You had explained to Hinata quickly what had happened before the match started, and he nodded at you understandingly when you slink away from the celebrating team. You find a lone figure sitting on a bench, head bent, and you sigh, hoisting up the moist towels in your arm, glad you came prepared.

You sneak up to him, wrapping a towel around his neck, and he whips his head at you in shock, before relaxing and realizing who it was. 

"Come to gloat?" He asks, before a regretful look crosses his face. 

You move in front of him, holding his face in your hands. You watch his cheeks glow as you rub your fingers across them gently. It's weird how comfortable you are with doing that, but he didn't seem bothered by it either so you aren't going to stop.

"I'm going to ignore that because I understand that you're sad. For what it's worth, you were really cool out there." 

"We still lost." 

"Karasuno's pretty scary now, huh." You grin, proudly, and he lets out a sigh. "My brother, Hinata. He's the spunky middle blocker." 

Okay, maybe you were gloating a bit. But today was the first time you saw them in action, and they were a lot more intense and good than you expected. You didn't know a lot about volleyball, but the stuff they were doing definitely looked super cool. You kind of understood Hinata's descriptors of 'BWAAH' and 'BOOM' now to describe their moves.

"That kid is your brother? That explains some things.." You look at him questioningly, and he shakes his head at you. 

"I'm not gonna ask, I think. Iwaizumi, right?" 

He's startled, realizing he doesn't even know your name. You introduce yourself to him, and he mouths your name, voicing it out. 

"It's Hajime to you. You're my soulmate." 

You grin at him, pulling him up from the bench. "Hajime, then. You know, there's a silver lining to your team losing today." He grabs your hand, interlocking your fingers. You lean onto him cheerfully. "What is it?" 

"You get to be comforted by your soulmate, of course! Let's go get some dinner, on me!" 

Clearly cheered up by the prospect, he smiles at you, and you feel your heart flutter. Seriously, you must have saved a country in your previous life to get a soulmate this cute. You were determined to stain him with every color of the rainbow all over his body by the end of today. 

He pulls you along. "Let me introduce you to my team first." You walk alongside him, wrapping yourself around his arm, needling at him to explain to you volleyball terms, the colors at the junction of where your skin meets his as bright as the setting sun. 

There are a few unshakeable facts to his life that Hajime knows will never change.

His mom and dad are extremely, almost disgustingly in love. Their matching timers (both reading 00:00:00, the countdown having finished far before Hajime was barely a twinkle in his parents' eyes) displayed proudly. They also adore you, and you adore them right back. 

Oikawa Tooru is his best friend. When he introduces you to him, you cheerfully exclaim  "Grand king! I think I'm supposed to beat you up!" and Oikawa sputters. Hajime doesn't hold back his laughter as Oikawa pouts, but you're paying more attention to Hajime, distracted by his laughter, moving in again to brush your fingers across his cheek. 

Hajime loves seeing the colors appear on you. He loves the different shades they take, how they perfectly look like the imprint of his fingers when he presses them into your waist, when he grips the back of your neck and kisses you, when he brushes them across your forehead. He especially loves seeing them on your lips. He thinks they probably look a bit ridiculous to other people with their stained lips, but to him its the most endearing thing he's ever seen. 

You also love seeing the colors on him. You've always been a bit possessive of your belongings, and Hajime is yours in a way no one else will ever be. You love watching the colors appear on his arms as you grip them, wrapping yourself around him as you both walk together. You also adore pressing kisses to his cheeks and lips, surprising him almost every time you do it. You know the marks you leave on his neck sometimes last much for an entire day, and you know he deals with the ribbing from his teammates every time they see it. It just entices you to leave more. 

Most of all, Hajime knows that his soulmate loves him. 

3.

The colours dance around your boyfriend’s chest, as you trail your fingers down it. You’re lying on top of him, your arm crossed and supporting your head on his stomach, as you entertain yourself.

You pout when he stays asleep, dead to the world. Apparently your naughty shenanigans last night had knocked him out good, and you’re kind of proud of yourself for it.

But that was neither here nor there, and right now you wanted his attention. You moved up, biting his cheek, and he jostles awake with surprise, closing his eyes again when he realizes it’s just you.

“Go back to sleep then, baby.”

“Brat…”

You giggle, tweaking his nose.“I’m bored, Hajime.”

With a groan, you bury your face in his neck, enjoying his warmth and smell. “Don’t wanna. You’re so busy with your team…it feels like forever since we’ve been like this.”

He’s silent at your words, his hands coming down and squeezing your thighs, pulling at them. “Hey…I’m sorry about that. You’ve given up so much for me and I’ve repaid you by being too busy to spend time with you...”

You raise your head, frowning, and flick his forehead. “Ow!”

“Idiot!” Your cheeks puff up in anger. “You’re following your dreams, Hajime. It’s so fucking cool that you’re a trainer for the Olympics team now. You don’t have to apologize to me for anything. You’re my soulmate and I love you.”

He stares at you, his expression warm. Bending down, his lips brush across your cheeks lightly, and you giggle at the feeling. “I don’t deserve you.” He pulls back, watching the colour dance across your cheeks and nose where his lips brushed your face, before fading away.

You scoff at him. “You deserve the best.”

“And that’s you?”

“Of course it is.” You poke your tongue out at him. “What’s got you in such a melancholic mood today?” Any other time with you naked on him would have led to a lot of teasing and groping by now. He’s holding himself back.

“I met Tooru today.”

“Oh?” You sit up on his chest, curiously, and he supports you without any effort, his hands moving up to your waist.

“He told me he found out who his soulmate is, love.”

“But isn’t he still dating that manager of yours from high school..?” Hajime nods, and you whistle. “He’s pretty conflicted about the whole thing. He feels really bad for leaving his soulmate alone, but he’s been dating her for as long as we have. He thought they’d make it.” You’re silent at first. “So this is what’s gotten you worried?”

“He’s my best friend and I’ve been worrying about him forever..I’ve rarely seen him this broken up about things.”

You run your fingers over his hard stomach and chest comfortingly. “He’ll figure it out, Hajime. He always has.” Admittedly, you’ve always been a skeptic of him and his girlfriend. You frown at the thought. Hajime had told you pretty early on about his feelings for her and you often thought about how you would have felt if you had met Hajime while he was dating her instead. And now someone else was in that position.

Your boyfriend knows you well, and immediately knows where your mind is heading. He picks up your hand with his, interlocking your fingers and kissing it. “Idiot. I’m here with you now.” You slap at his chest.

“I know! I can’t believe you ever thought you didn’t have a soulmate.”

His fingers pinch at your thigh and you yelp in surprise. “My apologies, princess. Not all of us can have the same self-confidence you did when you thought you had a soulmate. I didn’t even have a mark.”

“And now you’re covered with them all the time.”

He knows that if he looked down where your body met his, it’d be glowing with different colours. The colours themselves were sometimes bright, sometimes muted, sometimes they’d last for hours and sometimes they would fade away after he took his hands off you, so quickly it’s like they were never there.

You’ve tested the way the colours appear extensively (intentionally and unintentionally…you’ve always found it hard to keep your hands off him) but you’ve never discovered any sort of pattern. You both concluded that it was just random, if pretty.

“Totally not embarrassing having to show up for training with orange marks all over my neck. You know your cousin is on the team, right?”

You giggle unapologetically at him. “Just think of it as revenge for whatever PDA Hinata and Atsumu throw at you. I know it’s a lot.”

Your boyfriend groans at the very thought. “I have lost count of the amount of times I’ve spiked balls into their heads to interrupt them. I thought we were bad. Most of the team is very traumatized.”

You coo at him. “My poor baby. We are definitely worse and you know it.”

He snorts. “I’ll show you worse.”

He lifts you, both hands going around your waist, making you support yourself on your knees. You start to complain before you’re silenced quickly, your words cutting off into a moan as he releases one hand from your waist to rub you, experienced fingers finding your clit quickly.

You’ve been together for quite a while, and know each other’s bodies as well as your own by now. It doesn’t take him long to work you up into a frenzy, his fingers entering you.

“You’re so wet already for me, you cute little slut.” He stretches you, his fingers scissoring. “Just look at that.”

He withdraws them from inside you and you whine in annoyance at the sudden emptiness, your thighs shaking. You flush red looking at the juices from you coating his fingers.

“Hajime…please.”

“Hmm? Please what?” You’re annoyed at how unbothered he looks lying down in comparison to your flustered self, and you poke at his chest. He repays you with a spank to your ass, and you yelp in surprise. “Behave. And use your words. I know that pretty mouth has its uses other than moaning for me.”

You’re pouting, but you’re enjoying this tremendously, and he knows it. Nothing gets you hot and bothered more than your boyfriend going all authoritative on you.

“I need you in me..”

You sit back down on him, feeling him hot and hard right under you. Moving back and forth slowly, you grind on him, covering him in slick.

You pick up the hand of his that was inside you, inserting his fingers in your mouth and tasting yourself on him. He grips your cheek, dislodging your hands.

“Shit..shit, okay.”

He lets go of your face, lifting you again slightly, before entering you. Your body arched as he pushed the head of the shaft in, your wetness offering little resistance. You both groan in unison as you bottom out. “Can’t hold myself back against you, baby girl.”

You giggle as you feel his thickness fill you out. You supported your hands on his stomach as you began to move up again slowly, and gasped as his hips surged up to meet yours with ease.

Hajime runs his hands down your body, his fingers tweaking at your nipples, grinning at the temporary stain of colour that covered them. You looked ever so pretty on his dick, bouncing up and down, covered in the colours that marked you solely as his. Your eyes are closed, your hair flowing down your back, the sounds of your skin slapping against his intermixed with the soft sound of rain outside your window.

He continues moving his hips slowly, the warmth of you covering him so well it’s driving him a little bit insane. He takes the opportunity while your eyes are closed to reach a single arm out to the side where the nightstand drawer is, extracting something he’d been keeping hidden for a while.

You’re in heaven, as he hit your sweet spots, filling you out so well, your pussy clenching around him tight. You startle as he picks up your hand lying on his chest and you feel something cold moving down your finger.

“What..?”

Your eyes fly open, looking down to where he’s interlocked your fingers with his. Your eyes lock onto the shiny band now adorning your fingers, the rock on it glittering. You pause moving, your brain trying to catch up. You meet his eyes, and they’re warm with his love, the unasked question in the air.

“You’re…you’re such an idiot, Hajime!” You gasp out, tears springing into your eyes. A hint of worry is in his expression as he notices your damp eyes. “Sweetheart..?”

“Hurry up and cum in me so I can admire my new ring! Who proposes during sex? We’re gonna get my sweat all over it!”

You whine, and he laughs, sitting up, leaning against the headboard. He grips your waist as your arms fly around his neck, and kisses you as he speeds up, gripping your ass. “I love you.” His lips continue to move across your face, kissing away your tears, swallowing your moans, until they finally latch onto your neck, as he bites and sucks at it. Your nails dig into his back. “I’m close, Hajime-“

“I got you, baby, it’s okay.”

You bury your face in his shoulders as you climax, feeling your cum mix with his as he empties himself inside you, the mixture of fluids leaking out. You shiver as you both take a moment to get a hold of yourselves, and he adjusts himself again, whispering praises into your ear as he falls back onto the bed ,taking you down with him, still inside you. You lie down on his chest, panting, feeling his move up and down with you as he kisses the top of your head.

You turn your head to the side when you’ve caught your breath, bringing up your hand to your face and examining the ring on it.

“I swear I had a proper proposal all planned out.” He grabs your hand, rubbing across it with his thumb. “I was going to take you out to a fancy dinner, get on my knees, go the whole way. Bribe the waiter to put the ring in champagne.”

You flush at his words, feeling your eyes dampen again. “You’re making me tear up again.”

“You looked so pretty right there. I couldn’t resist.” He kisses your hand gently. “I’m sorry for not making it fancier.”

“It’s perfect.” You lift your head, joining your lips to his. “I’d marry you right now if I could. I like the sound of Mrs. Iwaizumi a lot…”

He hisses, turning you both to your sides, hooking your leg around his. “You’re going to get me going again if you call yourself that.”

You laugh. “So eager to wife me up, Hajime?”

“Have been for years, baby girl.” Gripping at your thighs, he pulls himself out of you, admiring the sight of your cum and his dripping out of you. You wince at the feeling of the liquids cooling between your thighs, and he notices, getting out of bed and lifting you in his arms. “Shower first, though.”

“Ooooh.” You wrap your arms around his neck as he carries you in, hooking your head on his shoulder and admiring your hand with the ring. “So husbandly already, Mr. Iwaizumi~”

You hear his smile as the door shuts behind you and he places you on the bathroom counter, leaning in. Your hand grips his hair as he nips at you, the two of you marking each other with the colours of the rainbow. “Anything for my future wife.”

[dirtytransmasc]

This might turn out like rambling but I've been thinking something around the mama Neytiri AU.

In humans there is a vocabulary "coincidence" in which many of the words for mother and father in various languages sound around the same by using the same syllables (ma, pa, da, ba, etc) because this are the first things a baby can pronounce and we started to use these sounds as a way to refer to a child's caretaker, it doesn't happen in every language but it's still enough to maybe think that the same might be true for the Na'vi.

The words Sa'nok and Sempul might be an indication that Na'vi children might be able to pronounce the sound "S" really early in life, maybe even when babbling (also there's an insane amount of words in Na'vi starting with s), so when her children grow up they have almost no trouble calling her Sa'nu.

All except for Spider.

Because humans are only able to pronounce "S" at around four or five years old.

Neytiri and Jake notice and they go and ask Mo'at for help (because speech delay is something that also happens to the Na'vi so she should know what to do), and when she can't find anything wrong, they check with Norm and Max, who tell them there's nothing wrong, it just will take more time for him to speak like his siblings.

They are both glad that there's nothing wrong with Spider but Neytiri still feels something is missing, she comes to love being referred to as Spider's "mama" by Jake and cries the when he calls her that for the first time like she would have done if he had spoken in Na'vi, but she still hopes that he is able to call her Sa'nu soon, which she will never confess to anyone.

And when it happens there's nothing anyone can do to separate her and her boy for the rest of the day.

so, I've answered this once, but I'm actually kinda excited to add onto this, cause the first time around was when I first started writing this AU, and I'm much more confident in my characterization of neytiri now. so for my long time regulars, this is gonna mostly be a repeat post.

I think neytiri has a super unique take on this, cause like any variation of the word 'mom' means the same general thing; someone who cares for you, who protects and loves you, teaches you and guides you through life. on some level, you are a part of her, physically or emotionally, even spiritually, a mother and child are bound by the bond between them at their cores. so while, yes, she would love to hear "sa'nu" would fill her heart with the upmost joy, it doesn't hinder the joy she feels hearing spider call her mama, knowing what he saw in her, what he felt about her. spider was her son and she was his mama and for a long while that was all that mattered to her. he saw her as his mama, he was one with her spirit, he looked at her with his big round eyes and saw a protector, a guide, a caretaker, someone to love him with no limit and no conditions. so she could wait as long as it took, because this was enough for her.

it does raise concerns though. would spider fall behind? should they prioritize english, would his "speech impediment" hold him back too much, how much would he struggle? neytiri still worries the most, norm and max assure her that it will all be fine, jake does as well, even mo'at, but she still worries for her littlest child. but even upon her worrying, her fauning, her mothering, spider excels; sure, he makes an odd noise when he attempts to speak words with S's in them or leaves them out all together, he takes up both na'vi and english in leaps and bounds, not even acknowledging his setbacks.

he attempts it many times before he actually gets it, adjusts to calling her that even before he gets his S's when he was 3 or so, when he realized he called her something different then his siblings, ignoring any and all coaching from jake or norm or max to call her mama (not that they don't want him to call her sa'nu, they just worry that if he's unable to pronouns it he'll either form bad habits or his frustration will stunt his willingness to learn, but like with many peoples opinions and judgements of him, spider doesn't give a single fuck). but the day he gets it right, she damn near cries all over again, like she had the first time she knew what he meant when he called her mama, when he starts calling her -a'nu. this time though, the tiny gap in her chest that had always irked her, small enough that she could pretend she didn't notice, was finally filled. she held her boy, the boy she had waited to hear call her sa'nu for the last 5 years, finally looking up at her with his sweet chocolate brown eyes and his whispy blonde hair dangling in his face, the word falling out of his mouth with a yawn as she went about her day with him bound to her chest (tell me she wouldn't baby wear that boy well into his early childhood, first off, speed demon, spider child. second off, clingy mama with an excuse to hold her baby constantly; "he's fragile jake") she immediately rushes to jake so they can both hear it, spider very proud with his new word.

I think the kids would have coached spider day in and day out till he got his S's down just for their mum. jake knew and didn't say a word, just so he could see the look on neytiri's face when she heard it.

speaking of jake, he is much less affected by spiders hinderence to say sem'pu, as when spider was still little, he was still very human in nature, so he had no qualms with being called "dad" and "dada", but he will admit, the more he hears spider attempt to say sem'pu, the more he begins to fall in love with the title. between him and the other kids, jake embraces every title they're willing to give him. he cries a little for the first couple months spder calls him dad, then -em'pu, then sem'pu (jake is the emotional parent in the, he's a blubbering idiot at all the simple things type of way, which is super sweet don't get me wrong, I just like making fun of him, cause I can. norm and max too, they totally make fun of him, but its all in good fun).

[lawbin-archive]

Hi, in your opinioni why Oda gave Robin and Law the same Dream?

Hi, first question hehe! :D

With my delulu mind, of course I will say is to let them develop feelings while pursuing their dream, get married after finding one piece and live happily forever the end.

Ok let's be more rational lol.

I read a theory that Law will sacrifice his life for Robin and let her fulfill their dream. To be honest, if I really think logically, there is a chance this might happen but I think is under one condition - Law & Robin be canon romantically before the sacrifice happen.

Even they have the same dream now, they are at most - friends and Law has declared that "They are enemies next time they meet" so if Law sacrifice for Robin, the reasoning is really thin to me. Like why would he do that for "his enemy"? Just because they have the same dream? Do Law trust Robin so much now he can put his life and dream on her? Just because she can read poneglyph? Is he going to sacrifice for Pudding or Sukiyaki too? I just think their bonding *as shown on screen now*, is not enough for him to sacrifice himself. So to be more impactful or to strengthen his will to sacrifice, I can only think of that because they love each other and he is willing to risk his life for her. Of course there are a few example that the character sacrifice without much deep bonding but most of them didn't really die, and I just think if it's Law and with his personality, the reasoning of his sacrifice wouldn't be that thin.

Plus, Robin already faced a lot of sacrifices - the entire Ohara and the scholars, Saul and her mother. Oda please don't be so cruel to her... and please don't be so cruel to Law too... He already lost his country, his family, Corazon and... *please hopefully his crew still alive*. That's just too sad :(

Another theory is that Law is going to sacrifice for Luffy, that actually makes more sense because they saved each other multiple times, Luffy is a D and well - he is Luffy aka nika the sun god LOL but I'm 100% sure that Luffy wouldn't want that. And he wouldn’t want to be immortal. It’s never his goal. I think if Liffy become immortal would be a very off character thing and kind of against Oda’s message in one piece so imo I don’t think Law will use his immortal abilities to Luffy ever.

So to be honest, I don't want them to be canon now lol because I have a feeling they won't have a happy ending after. They can go investigate or flirt as much as they want until the end :P

Back to the question - Then why Oda gave the same dream to Robin and Law? Maybe the answer is simple. Maybe just because it makes sense. Maybe it's because Robin and Law's journey is too lonely, Oda felt there should be someone to pursue with her/him.

Because most of the straw hats have people in their homeland or have friends that can understand their dream: Luffy: Sabo & Ace & his whole crew Zoro: Kuina, Koushirou(his teacher) & Mihawk Nami: Nojiko, Genzo and Bellemere Sanji: Chef Zeff & Baratie Usopp: Kaya, the kids, Broggy & Dorry Chopper: Dr. Kureha & Hiriluk Franky: Iceberg & Galleyla company Brook: Laboon & Crocus Jimbei: Sun pirates & most of the fish-men

Robin: Saul, her mom, Professor Clover & other scholars (which most of them passed away when she was 8)

Only Robin carrying the dream from Ohara and is working toward her goal by herself for a long time, and before egghead she thought Saul was dead too. Law is also similar, he carry his goal (defeat Doflamingo) for 13 years by himself. He even left Heart Pirates in Zou so that it won't hurt them while he is achieving his goal.

So why not let two people that have been chasing their dream alone for a long time, can share their goals and work together now?

Although I delulu a lot, it also might be Oda is planning a romantic relationship between them. I know he said that he won't be focusing on romantic relationship but It's final saga, it makes sense characters developing feelings with each other during adventures and he probably changed his mind throughout the years. Law & Robin are somewhat popular in japan and Asia too. So that's actually possible!

Hopefully that answer your question! I talk a lot lol but I can't really think a strong reason that why he did that. I will keep this in mind and maybe I will come up another reason once I re-read the chapters. Thank you so much for your question!!

[blue-eyed-moon-child]

Last one for now. What's your 3rd favorite sbg character and why? You're not allowed to compare how much you like them with how much you like other characters (such as their rank, or even if you like them more or less) in the explanation

You bastard you gave me conditions for this I'll try but sorry if I bend the rules a little. I'm going to try to handle this as a pros and cons rather than a numbered list.

I'd say Tyler is my third favorite.

Pros: I do enjoy that he is the "protector" and it's gotten him hurt really bad at one point for him to have to take a step down and realize that he has to also let other people take care of him too. That trope always made me think "ahh yes a baybeee" for characters. His idea that he has to take on a parental role only to realize he is a kid is something that I always felt akin to? (I took care of my brother and mom for a while so...Tylercore ig) I do enjoy that he is a sarcastic bastard sometimes! The humor makes him well rounded and I know that he is "Just A Kid" so watching him be a little silly sometimes is reason that I always look for him in the background too. Little guy (he's so much taller than me) has a lot to learn and it's like a little brother that you can't wait to watch him get his heart broken for the first time, smile the biggest smile youve ever seen at graduation, and finally get a taste of adult freedom when he gets his license after painfully teaching and getting frustrated. Cons: Though, I sometimes roll my eyes and smack the wrinkles off my forehead a little bit when he decides that instead of working together as a team, he just immediately goes into pointing fingers, trying to find someone to blame. The anger and wanting answers for a situation where its very obvious that no one has answers is the most frustrating part about him. I jsut wanna grab his shoulders and scream "CALM DOWN PLEASE JUST LISTEN BEFORE YOU GAIN STRONG OPINIONS" soo bad but unfor he is but a comic character. I did respond to a post earlier that I really wish he would play to his own strengths (use a baseball bat as a weapon instead of almost immediately getting a gun) and planning for the worst with all the other characters in his mind. As someone who tends to protect the other people in their life, I'm always constantly thinking of the worst case scenarios and it makes me come back and basically wrap everything in bubblewrap so no one else gets hurt. I'm constantly checking the ground for glass and I wish that Tyler would do that too instead of being such a "I'm shrugging my shoulders cause I dont care about you but if you get hurt I'm going to tell you how useless you are" LIKE???? BROTHER???? HELP THEM THEN! <- which makes me say "uuughhh SHUT UP!!" sometimes soooo idk

I'll leave it at that for now but I can honestly do this for each character if I had the time to (plus no one would actually read it so eh)

(Also this is absolutely not dogging on Red's writing whatsoever. I love how rounded a lot of her characters are, even the side ones, they feel more human than some of the other webtoons I've read. They're flawed!! I like that about all of them. In the end, they're just teenagers. They're gonna suck! You're gonna like parts of them! They're teenagers in a really really shitty and unfortunate situation. They are constantly being lied to and gaslit into what is true and what isn't. They are literally fighting for their life ALL. THE. TIME. Give them - and Red - a break! PLEASE! )

[bengiyo]

Be My Favorite Ep 11 Stray Thoughts

Last week, we all fell into intense brain rot over the ace!Kawi discourse, and did not appreciate Aou in those shorts enough or the fact that Max FUCKS. We suspect that Pisaeng may or may not have time traveled. Kawi is dealing with some of his own intimacy issues. It feels like they had their first time at the end of the episode. Also, Pear is not happy with her mom for abandoning them, Pisaeng’s mom pulled a complete reversal to support him, and Kawi reflected on his dad urging him to live his life for himself.

It’s like they knew I still was skeptical of Pisaeng’s mom, Daow, so they have her working out her issues with Pear’s dad, Phong.

I’m glad that Pear found a way to give herself peace about her mom.

I like Pear reading a poem over these scenes. The bed kissing was pretty decent.

Okay, the morning after scene was really sweet. I liked that.

I’m not sure how I feel about the flashback to a conversation we weren’t part off with the magic guy. I don’t mind the show laying out its core thesis about being present in your life and focusing on the things you can control explicitly for the audience, but it felt a bit weird. I feel like I need to brace for high-impact drama now.

Everyone has graduated, but what did Not do after getting wrecked so hard?

Domestic montages, my beloved.

I’m encouraged that these two stayed together for years, and maintained friendships with the characters we liked.

Sponge baths, my beloathed.

This timeline is too enjoyable, and Kawi doesn’t seem to have a job. They’re going to take this timeline from us. What happened to Kawi’s music aspirations?

Oh, never mind. Seems like Kawi is still involved in music.

Is Kawi about to get sick and die and then force Pisaeng to travel back to the past (Samurai Jack)?

Okay, but this actually just got super heavy. This show has not been soft about its support for gay political issues, and medical care is one of the big concerns queer people face without family and domestic protections. Some of my actual work is helping couples circumvent these blocks.

I am genuinely invested in this terminal medical condition plotline.

Oh ho! So he does go back to the past (Samurai Jack) and now we return to the day of the amusement park, now with double the time travel shenanigans!

Okay, high-key I love this. I haven’t been this stressed by the thematic implications within a BL in a really long time. We had the magic man imply that we can’t alter our destinies, but we can fix our mistakes. Kawi wasn’t destined to win the lottery, and it feels like they’re saying he wasn’t destined to save his dad either. Pisaeng is convinced that he is the reason that Kawi got sick and is facing death in the future even a Max insists that it couldn’t be his fault. Now he’s gone back to the past and altered the happy timeline we saw completely. Now he and Kawi will both face each other as time travelers trying to fix what they believe to be their mistakes in the finale. I’m so excited because we all felt that they went into that bed scene without clearing something, and now we have to face it.

[getvalentined]

Character ask game: #3, #48, #49 Vincent Valentine, of course!

What first drew you to this character?

What drew me to Vincent in the first place is a bit convoluted and very silly, but also I was like 12 when the OG came out so bear with me here.

So my mom has ADHD and only discovered this in the past couple years, meaning she spent her entire life trying to accommodate a condition she didn't realize she had, and this led to some "weird" choices—one of the most notable of which was literally color-coding her children.

I have five siblings, and we were all assigned a color to make it easier to tell what belonged to who. Older sister: green. Older brother: navy blue. Younger sister: purple, which was also her first word. Younger brother: sky blue. Baby sister: turquoise, because our folks tried pink but she rejected it from like 6 months old.

My color, if you hadn't guessed, was red.

What’s your favorite physical/design feature for this character?

This is hard to answer because Vincent's design, while being very distinct, is also really...transient, I wanna say? Most of his iconic physical features are temporary, they're clothing or accessories, we don't get to see a lot of him.

I really love Vincent's hair, but I always have the most fun drawing his eyes, so we'll go with that.

What’s your favorite personality trait in this character?

I actually really love Vincent's sense of responsibility. It's gotten him into trouble (that is literally how he wound up in his current condition in the first place) but it's also the only thing that drives him forward at any point in his entire storyline. He has trouble keeping it from bleeding out into guilt, sure, but without that sense of responsibility he never would have gotten out of his coffin in the first place.

I know he gets a lot of shit for being callow and weak-willed and dramatic, people call him obsessive for what happened with Lucrecia and stupid for just kinda staying in a coffin for decades while the world burned down around him, but I think that's doing him a disservice.

Vincent put himself to rest out of the same sense of responsibility as what got him killed in the first place. His presence, as far as he's concerned, is what caused everything to go wrong. He believed that he drove Lucrecia into a relationship with Hojo by coming on too strong, he believed that Sephiroth was his child and therefore he was to blame for giving Project S its lead subject, he believed that his inability to stop them from creating a monster is why he didn't pass on after Hojo shot him—he genuinely believed that the Lifestream rejected him, that what he'd done was so horrible that even Gaia couldn't forgive him.

So when he was locked away, he stayed. If no one ever found him, he couldn't hurt anyone else. He couldn't do any more damage to the world that he's been damned to haunt for the rest of time. In hiding, Vincent was removing himself as a mitigating factor in the continued hardship of the world at large, because he already felt responsible for causing so much harm. He thought he was doing the right thing, he thought he was protecting everyone else, he thought he was keeping the few loved ones he might have left safe.

He was wrong—but if he weren't, there's no denying that it would have been the right decision.

(From the honest favorite character ask game.)

[markmybirds]

15 Day BL Challenge

Doing this Day-By-Day will probably be too much for brain so I have decided since it's relaxed I will be doing this 1-5 days over 3 days. I just want to also add on that I am an avid watcher of many different kinds of dramas, and I embrace different countries also. But I will probably go off of mostly Thailand here. This will get more complicated if I invest in my JBL and TaiwanBL pools and Growing KBL. I may do honourary mentions to those couples though I choose to use some of those pairings as my faves.

(Mom Life..) Also final beginning note: All original screen grab/posters/gif makers are given credit in the image descriptions. Day One: Favourite OG Actor Pairing My choice is Boun Noppanut Guntachai and Prem Warut Chawalitrujiwong (With Honourary Mentions: Billkin & PP Krit, Both Nattapong & Newyear Kitiwhut, Max Kornthas & Nat Natasitt and Ja Phachara & First Chalongrat) I will say I didn't know who to choose because I don't know who would be considered "OG" so I went with like a comfort couple of mine that has been continuously a comfort couple. I can't put into words how much I love them but really, if it's BounPrem I'm there and I'm watching it. I love how both of them are "comfortable" in their own way and they have shown us that they can be supportive of one another even when working on their solo activities. Boun has also put people in their place a few times for misconceptions of himself and Prem. As for Prem I just have always enjoyed his quiet nature. Also his quick responses that come out of nowhere and surprise Boun. (Example: Saying I love you when Boun told an interviewer he would love someone to say it genuinely to him one day.. Or that he'd donate his heart to Boun if he needed a replacement. Actually my husband and Boun have the same condition! It's something that can be helped when they're older.)

Also. Boun has one of the best laughs in all of Thailand oh and his earrings~! Come at me if you disagree. I am vibrating in anticipation for The Vampire Project.

Day Two: Favourite Rookie Actor Pairing Oh boy. Uh. There are so many but I think in the circumstances that both of the actors were rookies when they did their first series together? Tutor Koraphat Lamnoi and Yim Pharinyakorn Khansawa. Although Yim had been in the business since he was a teenager he didn't have a successful drama until he was paired with Tutor in Cutie Pie as NuerSyn. (Honourary Second Place: GeminiFourth Honourary Third Place: DaouOffroad Honourary Taiwanese Coupling: Tseng Jing Hua and Peng Cian You~. And shush! They were SO A COUPLE OK. ).

I just enjoy these two so much, their aesthetic is of course off the charts with Yim's ethereal alien looks and the fae-kind creature we know as Tutor. I consider them my comfort couple. The moment Yim entered Cutie Pie as Syn I knew he'd be my favourite character. After I finally got more into CP due to War, I got smacked by them a second time years later.

Also don't tell Zee and NuNew or Max and Nat but they were my favourite land for DMDLand2. Poker Land slapped so hard and both of these men are super talented. Yim was even sick when he performed and Tutor kept taking glances to check in on him. They are my comfort couple, I enjoy their relationship (whatever it is offcam) dynamic that we get to see. They admit to bickering a lot at the beginning of their promotions as a CPL. I love how daring they have been since the beginning too, our poor Kla and Ker working hard to maintain their and our sanities with these two. I can't wait for "Battle of the Writers"! Day Three: Side Dish That Should've Been the Main Course Warning to those who are heart broken like me: NetJames Incoming.

This is going to hurt my heart. This drama was not a BL but the side dish was our same sex relationship trope in the drama. The main coupling was two amazing actors who I love dearly I just felt that the director did NOT use Great and Four's actually-there-tension at all. The side couple is: Net Siraphop Manithikhun and James Supamonkon Wongwisut as Captain and Foei in Catch Me Baby. (I advise for people's sanity to never read MDL comments on dramas though. They have a weird hate for Thai actors..) I am not going to sit here and explain how I feel about NetJames since the news. I respect them, and I think NetJames fans need to learn to respect their boundaries and what they are going through right now. Cause ISTG if I read another: WHERE IS ___!? in their IG lives again I will explode and take everyone out. Also, I will forever support them individually or together.

That said Captain and Foei had that frienemies to lovers trope and chef's kiss. Just. I started this drama before I got back into the Thai BL scene again and it was what made me anticipate and watch Bed Friend every week when it aired. I have honourary mentions but every one of these I loved the main couple just as much or a little more than these side couples so I didn't choose them. Or they were the second half of their show's main couple or they got a spin off or show of their own (LOOKIN AT YOU YIDIAO~). GeminiFourth as Heart and Li Ming in Moonlight Chicken, JeffBarcode as KimChay in KinnPorsche, TutorYim as NuerSyn in CP and CP2 and NB, AyaKate as YiwaMarine in Wedding Plan (This is GL couple~), PealSee as TheeThai from Laws of Attraction and you can argue this with me but if you saw MoD you know this is canon: GreatMD as Inspector M/Dr. Oat in Manner of Death. Oh one more. Sorry. I love myself a good Side Couple: Xiao Kaizhong and Gao Han as MaoK in Falling Into Your Smile (they're a couple ok. AS READER OF THEIR WEBNOVEL YOU CAN NOT CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.)

Day Four: Fave Ship Dynamic Oh my gods. Do you know how hard this question is for me? I'm like.. "Yes?". As a character artist and avid role player I like most ship dynamics. Wardog would tell you it's "Side Character Plots". So if I had to choose only one it'd be Character with Trauma x Green Flag. I love it even more if the Green Flag learns to be one through trying to be there for their love interest. They could also just both be people with trauma and both be green flags who heal each other. I am extending an invitation to view this gifset by Pharawee in its entirety because it's my fave part of LITA. And I have a lot of fave parts in LITA.

And here are some couples that fit here: FortPeat as PrapaiSky from Love in the Air, JaFirst as LeoFiat from Don't Say No, Okura Takato and Hyuga Wataru as Kaido Amane and Yamasuga Ryuji from Kimi to Narakoi wo Shite Mite mo, Tseng Jing Hua and Peng Cian You as Pu Yi Yong and Cao Guangyan from Oh No! Here Comes Trouble, NetJames as KingUea in Bed Friend, JimmySea as MhokDay in Last Twilight, PavelPooh (PoohPavel? ekeke) as CharlieBabe from Pit Babe and I could be here all day listing this trope.. So one more and I think this ship works on both sides: BillyBabe as PhayaTharn from The Sign.

Day Five: Biggest Flop Uhm. The problem is I like lower-income-shows but I think because of the lack of ethics behind this show: For Him and not because of the cast. I really enjoyed the cast, I just feel awful they had to work with so little to get at least decent content out. And that Tor had been harassed and stalked by one of the production members. I enjoyed the first few episodes, though the decline in quality of script and shots the cast had been given is very evident each episode you go through. The chemistry of the couples was chemistrying even with scenes like stepping on a new tattoo... For more information about this I would view befuddledcinnamonroll's 15 Day Challenge and pharawee's (wow we're on that tumblr a lot in this) coverage of the issues: here and here. Also reading through some of the casts' Twitters and

Another "Possible Flop" right now, hopefully not forever, I would say is Red Peafowl. Which is such a shame since their pilot slapped so hard.

TBC tomorrow~.

To do your own 15 Day BL Challenge Go Here!

[transfem-tomboy-oni]

I feel like I should jjust give up on all my "good" qualities and stop trying to be a "good person" and fighting sgainst all my bad qualities. I. I start to feel like there's nothing good coming of it for me, and not enough good for anyone else to actually keep bothering with me.

I feel like the positive things I get told the most is that I'm nice, and that I'm beautiful.

But. Apparently I'm not enough of either for people to... stick around.

I don't know. Even now I don't know what to write. Cuz it might might people unhappy. But.

Maybe I'll try to let what I feel out, for just this once;

I do my fucking hardest, successfully too most of the time, to make people happy, to help them, to make them feel comfortable around me. Cuz all my life no ones ever done that for me. In school people gave no two shits about me, unless it was to make fun of me or get their homework done easier. FOR 9 DAMNED YEARS. Then I switched schools. I guess I had friends. Friends that, as soon as they were not forced to be in the same classroom as me either cut contact or essentially bullied me online. Since then I haven't made friends in person. My own mom has been there for me. As in. Provided for food, entertainment and ignoring my existence otherwise. I got hugged by her for the first time I can remember when I tried offing myself and telling her that I thought I wasn't worth anything and she didn't love me. She graced herself to hug me long enough so I stopped crying and then pushed me away and went back to watching TV alone telling me to go cuz SHE NEEDS A MOMENT. My dad is just inept. Nice. Trying his best. I guess. I used to see him once every 2 weeks, and we talked like 2 hours maybe, where he left me completely to myself otherwise. The person I had contact and an actual "friendship" with the longest eventually started using that friendship and manipulating and breaking apart my entire friend group to just fucking use me as his damned sex toy whenever he felt like it. And I didn't realize for what? 8 or more damned years. That friend group is now so splintered and fucked that I don't even know what the fuck to do about it. Do I still want them? Do they still want me? Pretty sure they don't enjoy me around anymore tbh. Newest friends I made are from therapy or from tumblr, and it's like 5 people in total, 1 if which I haven't talked to in 2 months as I assume she doesn't give a shit about me anymore, at least not that I could tell. And I still really really damned like her but I wish I fucking didn't cuz it's fucking tearing me apart. I suppose I got used to her being there for me and when she wasn't when I was at 2 of my absolute lowest points my mind just broke or something idk. 2 of them I met in therapy and one of them is nice but doesn't have time, which is okay but also annoying to be honest, but it's not her fault I suppose, and the other ignores me whenever she can. The newest 2 ppls I met are nice but I feel like they either are scared of me, I guess at this point rightfully so or don't actually care.

I keep saying that I'm not super likeable when you stick around me for too long and everyone always tells me they don't think so but somehow the only people that seem to have sticked around for years either did cuz they had no choice or in one case because they didn't actually like me and just enjoyed my body.

So. My honest feelings, no one actually cares about making me happy. I want to be treated the way I try my hardest to treat everyone else. I. I'm tired of having and making friends. I can't bear it. I can't bear being alone either. I have been for too long. I. I want this to end, not my life, just this this this dambed conflict of everything. I feel such conflicting things. I'm trying my hardest to make things right for everyone. And I feel like I am not getting enough back to even keep me going until 30.

Love is conditional. And I don't think I am capable of meeting these conditions. Besides all my hatred for how I'm being treated. I still only blame one person. Myself. For just not being good enough.

I wasn't wanted in this world. I was conceived on accident. And I feel that in the way my mother treats me.

But I hoped that maybe someone else doesn't.

Maybe I'll be able to hold on long enough until I can find someone that does want me. Maybe.

I hold so much hope. For such a hopeless person. Such a hopeless world. I wish I could give up.

[ang33333333l]

The Diary of Petunia Glasschuh

Cw:bullying and slight bad parenting from Petunia's mom and also talks about self mutilation.

AGAIN THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH TO @saneriddlefan67 FOR BETA READING!!!

Taglist(again you can always ask to be tagged!!) @satans-gaurd-dog @leonakingscholarship @silvveringjadestar

Entry 1

Dear Diary,

Today starts a new chapter in my life. Night Raven College, though I have been to boarding schools before, they were all girls and only for ladies. Now, I share a room with a boy, he drank like a flea ridden dog while downing the water in the finger bowl. Who does that?!? Did his mother not raise him with a lick of common sense?! But on a more positive note, his hair color is quite nice along with how it looks. I wonder what his hair routine is, maybe double wash it every two days? Perhaps deep conditioning once a week? Actually now that I truly think about it, this whole night has been rather strange. Two girls, one was in a wedding gown for goodness sakes!! The other claimed she was from another world. I feel sorry for both of them, they seem like they got hit in the head via a large rock.

Entry 2

Dear Diary,

It seems like most of the students have little to no common sense. Especially that Ace Trappola. I hate him so much, always saying something stupid and it just gets on my nerves. Anyways, my classes are going well, Sebek is quite loud, but I can't control that. I also learned the name of the girl in the wedding gown, Fauna. Quite a nice name, though I am surprised she’s the same age as me. She is from a different world so perhaps marriage laws are different? She's always carrying that weasel?? Cat?? Dog?? Raccoon?? I don't know what that thing is, but apparently his name is Grim. Fauna is quite nice, though a complete idiot. She believes her fiancé will save her…I wish I could believe like that, but Mother says that love isn't real, all that men care about is status and how pretty a woman looks…Fauna is beautiful, and she has a natural charm. I wish my words would get through her, if he did want her, why hasn't he come yet?! I honestly believe he's in love with someone else. Well, on a different note, I finally learned the name of the pretty hair boy; Epel. He has a habit of carrying around onions. It's probably to season the food but…onions?!? Just onions?? No spices?? No herbs?? Does he perhaps need help with seasoning food? If so, I could graciously help him!!

Entry 3

Dear Diary,

I wish people in this school had common sense. That annoying boy won't shut up. Even in P.E. How hard is it to keep that mouth shut and not make everyone do more than necessary?!? Well, I bumped into someone, his name is Jack. He's a beastmen, and his tail is pretty impressive. Of course, the split ends on it are quite noticeable. But other than that it looks rather soft, maybe he needs help trimming it! I wonder what he does to take care of his tail, maybe double washes it? It does seem like it's carefully brushed too. But, on a side note, Vil is quite the…chief…All their food is so bland!!! No wonder Epel carries those onions!! I at first believed it was just flunks! No, they were not. If I have to sit through the BLANDEST meal imaginable for another time this week, I will be pulling out my hair!!!

Entry 4

Dear Diary,

I met Jack again, we were both attending to plants in the school’s garden. I never would've guessed he enjoyed gardening. He was very gentle with the pots, maybe he could give me some tips for my potted plants. I noticed how golden his eyes are, they’re quite beautiful. If they were gems they would make for the most perfect jewelry!

Entry 5

Dear Diary,

I have just been humiliated. I just got a bucket full of paint dumped onto me!!! I don't know what type of prank it was but I felt everyone’s eyes on me and just…laugh at me!!! Who does that?!? I think I also heard a few people talking to their friends saying “I wonder how that stuck up will react” and all I could do was just cry and run…now my uniform is ruined…I just hope it doesn't happen again. I hate this stupid club, why did I even pick Film Research?!?! I don't like this club. So what if I’m stuck up?!?! It's not like they're anything better!!! And I can't do anything about it because people told Vil it was an accident and what proof do I even have to disprove that claim?!

Entry 6

Dear Diary,

I hung out with Jack again, I don't know if the tough guy personality is an act or if he genuinely is a tough guy. It's like people describe him as that but when I’m with him, I can see him slip up and be caring. Well, that's usually followed by “Not like I care or anything…” He makes me laugh, I like that in a person. I also notice how many split ends he has on his tails, maybe once he gets comfortable with me I could ask him if I could trim up his tail. Jack also has such a nice smile. I should probably get his number, but when's the right time?? Would it be weird to ask so soon?

Entry 7

Dear Diary,

I hate this school. I hate everyone. I hate Fauna especially, how does basically everyone like her?!?! She's just a dumb naive girl!!!! She has nothing impressive about her!!! All she has is a pretty face!!! Why can't people like me like that?!? Why can’t people like me like that and be sincere about it?!? Why do I have to work hard for a little respect but all she has to do is show some basic kindness and she’ll have people fawning over her!!!!...But I guess like I said, she does have a natural charm to her…but…why can't I be like that? Why can't people love me like that? Why do I have to prove I’m worthy of love? Why do I have to prove that I’m worthy of being seen for more than my wealth and status?!?...Now that I truly think about it, Fauna just let people walk over her, it's pitiful. Fauna may be dumb but she doesn't deserve to be drained out of everything. I once talked to her and she just went off the rails about what she could do to help me?! I just wanted a simple conversation. Plus it doesn't help that the other girl, I believe her name is Yurika, only really uses more violent methods of getting her point across. I guess if I was in Fauna’s shoes I would try my hardest to be kind just to keep the peace.

Entry 8

Dear Diary,

I wonder how bad it would be if I just got dirty once, the last time Mother gave me an earful of how I shouldn't get dirty. I would also break a nail, and I would rather not have that. Despite what people think, my nails are fully real, no acrylic to make them look longer, just nail.

Entry 9

Dear Diary,

I realized how I had no friends before meeting Jack and I guess Fauna?... Everyone I interacted with was either because of Mother or school, no one actually wanted to be my friend. I just been alone, reading books about useless fairytale romance that would never happen to me. I may be known as “The Fairest flower in Fleur City” but I don't think it's true…I know I only won because of my pretty face and nothing else, it’s not like people truly got to know me. I wonder what would happen if my face got destroyed or damaged in some way, would people still treat me with that faux kindness or show their true colors? I know very well the other students in Pomefiore except a few would treat me worse. It's like everyone in this dorm is so obsessed with having a pretty face, I know very well what that leads to, my life isn't fun. Suitors only caring about my appearance then how I actually am, suitors only care about me enough so they think they have won me over without even realizing I always throw away their horrible letters and disgusting gifts.

Entry 10

Dear Diary,

I hate it. I hate everything. I hate my face. I hate Mother. I hate how I don't even know my own interests. I hate it, I hate this school. I hate Ace, Epel, Vil, Rook, Riddle, Jamil, Ruggie, Leona, BASICALLY EVERYONE!!!! Why is it so hard to be noticed for something other than my beauty?!?! What if I just take some hairspray and a lighter and burn off my face?!?! How would people treat me then?!?!? Huh?!?! I bet that half of these students wouldn't even look at me!!!!

Entry 11

Dear Diary,

After a week, I have calmed down. I also have started to realize how I feel around Jack. I feel warm around him, I feel safe like I could tell him anything, and my god when his hand brushes against my hand on accident it feels like my heart is beating faster than it should be!!

Entry 12

Dear Diary,

It feels weird, Mother always told me to be careful, especially with my sutors, to not fall in love due to how it will only hurt you, and to let her deal with my love life. She always said she would find the perfect man for me. But…Dairy, I think I already did, we have been hanging out and talking for a while now. It feels…nice not having Mother picking out boys for me, it feels amazing just…talking to him. He loves snowboarding, actually he really loves any winter sport. I wonder once it gets colder I could ask Mother if I could stay with Jack, I will tell her it’s for a school project!! Yes, a school project!! A perfect excuse! Well, more like a lie…But it's worth it!! Mother can never know about him, what if she hates him?!? Then I’ll be banned from seeing him…I can't let that happen! Under no circumstances will that happen!! But…how will I tell Jack this? How does one even confess without making a mess of themselves?

Entry 13

Dear Diary,

I wonder if I could garden. The potted plants only really provide a good thing to rant to when I can't write anything down, and to clean them up. I can't get dirty or else it would ruin my reputation. Is this why people see me as stuck up? It isn't my fault that their Mothers didn't teach them common sense!! But it doesn't matter, plus my beauty is the best quality of myself. You know when I think about it, what else is my best quality? Do I even have any? Mother always says that it is important to be educated, so I guess that's another good quality, but…what else is there to me? What do people think of me? Just a pretty face?...Is that what Jack thinks about me? That all I am is just a stuck up girl with a pretty face?.. No, he isn't like that…But Mother says how men can easily lie just to use you, but I’m really starting to doubt her. I mean, she only married my Father then he left her after she had me. I think she's just worried for me, but it has always been suffocating.

Entry 14

Dear Diary,

Writing letters is harder than books make it out to be. Books make it seem like once you put a pen to paper you're the next Shakespeare, but all my attempts make me seem like a desperate nutcase. OH GREAT SEVEN WHY MUST I INSIST ON WRITING JACK A LETTER?!?

[andiv3r]

So. I need to make a whole post about lots of things but I've decided that dermatillomania is one of them. Cw for blood and lots of skin-picking stuff below.

Story time. I remember in eighth grade, my religion teacher pulled me out into the halls to talk to me, and my first thought was, "Oh shit, another one," because the previous religion teacher had put me through hell and back for being queer (which was information I had not even shared with her). I braced to have an awkward conversation about my love life and gender identity for the second time in two years. Instead, she pointed at my arm.

"What's that?" She asked. I glanced down at my arms, covered in scabs, red and radiating heat from where I'd been picking for hours. "Your skin, I mean. Why is it... like that?"

Oh. Right. She was new. She didn't know.

"Genetic skin condition." I replied. "It's not really that bad on its own, but I pick at it whenever I'm nervous or upset or sad or bored or... just kind of whenever." She opened her mouth and I interrupted before she could say it. "I've tried to stop, and I've tried wearing long sleeves, and I've tried medicine, and I keep my nails short, but it doesn't help, so... yeah. Don't worry about it. It's not contagious or anything, it's genetic."

Her face scrunched into a frown, but she didn't say anything else and told me to return to my English class. I did.

Later that day, I had to go to Science class. The worst of them, at least in terms of places I picked at my arms. The teacher was nice enough, but I fucking hated science as a class. So, while everyone else was taking notes, I ran my hand along my arms. They were warm. Wet in some places, from the blood that had pooled around some bumps. But most of all, they were so... bumpy. So easy to just... pinch. Squeeze. Scratch.

I walked out of Science class that day with my left arm covered in bloody spots. Shit. My mom was gonna kill me.

No.

Don't think about her.

Don't do it, or else you'll get nervous, and when you get nervous you-

Too late. The fingers that had been rhythmically tapping my desk in Pre-Algebra were now tracing my jawline, searching for...

Ah. There.

Pinch. Squeeze. Scratch. Move my fingers up a bit to my cheek. Pinch. Squeeze. Scratch. Move. Pinch. Squeeze. Scratch. Move. Pinch. Squeeze. Scratch. Move, pinch, squeeze, scratch, move, pinch, squeeze, sc-

"[deadname], your face is bleeding!" I jerked my hands away from my face and stared down at my fingers, their tips stained crimson. So it was.

"Ah. Yeah. D'you have a kleenex?" I replied to the alarmed blond beside me.

"Uh... yeah." He passed one over with a frown. He knew about my skin-picking, so I'm not sure why he was so surprised. Maybe it was the blood. I licked my fingers, wetting them so that the blood would come off. It didn't.

The bell rang.

I swung my backpack onto my back and felt the fabric rub against my raw and open skin.

Well that fucking hurts, but I did it to myself, so I ignored it. I could've just stopped picking, as my mother so often reminded me. I should've just stopped.

I mean, it's not like I had some mental condition I didn't know about that was fueling this, right?

When my mom picked me up from after hours that day, both of my arms were red, both from blood and inflammation. Scabs littered every place in my skin that I could reach. The first thing she did was pull up my sleeve and her frown turned into a scowl.

"Really, [deadname]? Seriously? After all I told you about how that's horrible for your skin? Do you want to be so ugly no boy will want to date you?"

That did sound pleasant, actually, but I didn't need to tell her that. Besides, that wasn't why I was doing it. To be honest, there wasn't really a why. I didn't even realize I was doing it, usually, until I had. I zoned out as she ranted about how I'd never be able to wear a swimsuit, I would have permanent scars, and as I did, my left hand trailed up my arm, grazing the warm, itchy, painful bumps.

Pinch. Squeeze. Scratch.

[lilisouless]

Hello, love <3

First of all, I want you to know that You. Are. Not. Alone.

I've felt like how you feel for most of my teenage years, (I still do sometimes, because life is hard), and I know that it doesn't feel like you have support. That no one understands you and you're left alone in the darkness. You are not, I promise.

I wanted to kill myself, too. I was going through life as an empty shell of a human, trying not to cave under all the pressure of just being alive. I felt like no one would care if I was gone, or that I wasn't important. But that's not true. And it isn't for you, either. You deserve to live.

There's no one like you out there, there's only one of you, and you're perfect like you are.

Su*cide is not the answer. Because you don't deserve that. You deserve a life full of love and joy, and although that may seem impossible as of right now, I promise you that you will have it one day.

I feel like a failure, too. I never finished 9th grade and got kicked out of high-school because I didn't attend due to mental and physical conditions. I'm dependent on my family, I would never be able to get a job without qualifications.

I don't know why you feel like you've failed, but it will get better. And I know that that's hard to believe right now, but it does.

You're not a failure, the path you take is just different from others. Yours has hills and valleys and bumps in the road, and maybe isn't smooth and straight ahead like you want it to be, but you will get through it.

And if you even need one reason to stay, I'll be that reason. I smile everytime I see your blog. I have no fucking idea what's going on with Shadow and Bone, but I enjoy your posts whole-heartedly.

You are loved. I'm telling you all of this from the bottom of my heart, because when I felt like this I would've needed something like this.

I hope you feel better soon. I'll try and check in with you, if you want that.

Just don't take your life. It's too precious. You are too precious.

Life is fucking hard, and it can be miserable. But I'm telling you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It won't just happen immediately, you need to heal, and that takes time.

But you will heal, I promise.

I strongly believe that you can survive this.

You're stronger than you think. You're still here after all.

You can always reach out to me for whatever reason. You're not fighting this alone.

My words might not mean much, but I just want you to know that there's someone out there who knows what you feel like.

Stay strong, okay? <3

Hello, i know this has been in draft for a long while already , since its been weeks since my breakdown. I didn't awnser because i didn't want to give a half heartfelt short anwser, i needed time for finishing the problem, the job that made me had this deppresive episode. It´s already done so i finally have time to respond, i did saw them back then btw, just wanted to read the whole think without having a second breakdown in reminder of the first one (like, right now i am fine and i am close to tear up)

First all , thanks for taking time for all that. Don't know if it matters but i am not a teen, actually my depression started at 19 more or less, started to live with it on my twenties, i had an hormonal inbalance and was getting controlled but hit back again. Just wanted to clarify because i am realizing maybe i am acting like an inmature teen.

The words do matter, specially since, being strangers on the internet, its the only thing we can do, so i really appreciate it. I am not in danger, the most that happened that one time was that i tried to call a suicide hotline, no one reponded but i made a step and talked my mom about it, talking my problems out loud made me see there weren't that bad. Still, thanks for taking your time to talk to me❤