#my chest feels like a black hole

[as-you-think]

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[avpd-queer]

I feel bad that my former best friend is in a toxic relationship and can’t see it, is throwing away their friends of over a decade for her, but I also can’t stop remembering how, when I shared with them that I had just learned I had been cheated on and gaslighted about it for 6 years, their response was concern about my abuser’s mental health. That conversation didn’t affect their relationship with him in the slightest, they didn’t try to be there for me or show up for me to him, and when I they learned that I was going to get back with that person just a few days later, expecting them to be like, “uh no I don’t think that’s a good idea” (like everyone else had done and like I expected from them, having told them “just don’t let any of your friends date him” when I shared that I was leaving him, thinking they could help me figure out where to sleep and how to adjust), they didn’t protest at all. I was glad to avoid the awkwardness of, “thank you for your concern but I don’t have other options and idk I guess I’m gullible but also I just really want to believe it’ll get better” but also hurt that they didn’t seem concerned for my well-being. Hoping that they just didn’t voice that part because I’m an adult and can make decisions and already know what advice I would give myself. I just had to cling to believing that, and thinking maybe they don’t understand what gaslighting is and that’s why they didn’t seem to care, even as they became less and less my friend and eventually dropped both of us for trying to set a boundary with them about their girlfriend. And the only way they offer for me to be there for them through their relationship is to stuff down all of my needs and feelings, go along with every whim of their girlfriend, and accept that we will never get time with them without her ever again. They kept pretending like everything was okay and they totally understood, when we were face-to-face, and then they’d go home and suddenly we’re horrible and need to apologize to her for…being her friend? Trying to get more time with our best friend? Being honest with our best friend when they ask why we haven’t been able to get closer to their girlfriend? We were trying to be adult and trust in the strength of our friendship, but they fully gave in to their girlfriend’s temper tantrum over her misinterpretation of messages she logged into their discord to read, and they have just fully thrown us away. Ghosted us for pride and haven’t communicated with us in any form since. We had some extra pizza from a canceled event at my partner’s work that I left on their doorstep and had my sister text about, and they responded that they were out of the country, visiting her family. Normally we have two weekly dnd sessions and 1-2 weekly hangout sessions - the first week of dnd was canceled and after that, they just never showed up. This month of nothing is one of the few months we had left before they were going to move to where her family lives in the US, like 10hr drive from here, being fully isolated with her, without a support system, away from the support system they haven’t been away from in like 8 years (when I was in New York - my partner was here during those 2 years, they were roommates).

I’m just so hurt. They meant so much to me, I planned on having them in my life for the rest of it. I knew in the last relationship they were in they let us fall to the side some but she broke up with them and they realized how absorbed they’d been and promised to not let it happen again. Before meeting the current girlfriend, who they immediately got absorbed into. I don’t know what the fuck to do.

[patchwork-crow-writes]

84 - Emptiness

I am hollow, an aching pit where a heart should be. A needy shell that feeds upon anything it can, whether food or favour, pain or pleasure. Grabbing hands reach greedily into the world, mucky fingerprints marking everything I touch... mine, I cry! Mine! Yet more do I crave, more than anyone could need... can nothing fulfill my insatiable greed?

It's clasping and clawing, The darkness is yawning, A fathomless yearning The beast hungers, roaring!

If you were to touch me, I would splinter and shatter. An egg with no yolk, an embryonic void. I take and take and take, and yet nothing ever satiates me! I cannot bear your sadness, so happy must you be! There can be no sorrow greater than my own; soon you shall leave, and I'll once more be alone.

My facade is cracking, My soul shivers, creaking, My black heart is quaking And my world is breaking!

Your kindness is the light that plays upon a mirrorlike sea, but which fears to venture to the darkness beneath. Won't you look upon me, my twinkling stars, reach out a hand into the abyss of my heart?! A walking black hole, a singularity of sorrow; ceaseless consumption and nothing but empty hands to show for it! Flee far from me, please, oh wondrous lights, ere I consume you too before long. I'll draw you in, drag you down like teeth from the deep, and I'll never let go until death set us free.

Thus I lay rejected, Unwanted, infected, Loneliness confected Hopelessness perfected.

______________________________

The Dark Menagerie No. 84

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[freakoutgirl]

Feeling down on myself

[actual-changeling]

good god my sleep schedule is fucked, 6:30 am and my meds should be kicking in but they're not and i really need to fix this

[tternyna]

[witherbythesword]

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[keeps-ache]

blaaaauhhhghhgh [melting into a goop] aohhhghghhshabh

[batsinurbelfrey]

bruh-

[vampirejuno]

Brother I am just so tired

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[applestand]

.

[cryolyst]

~

[latestageyouth]

what not talking to fp does to a man

[yaminerua]

you ever just

“I won’t forget you, you know…”

“I won’t forget you”

[little-lucky-angel]

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