avpd-queer

[avpd-queer]

i cannot hate myself into a version of me i will love.

[avpd-queer]

— Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice

[avpd-queer]

[avpd-queer]

my mind is poisoned do u still wanna hangout

[avpd-queer]

[avpd-queer]

[avpd-queer]

I Am Asking Me To Endure It

[avpd-queer]

executive dysfunction is legitimately physically uncomfortable. i’ll be trapped between two things, weirdly caught on how-much-time-it-might-take-me. i take hours worried im going to take hours doing things. i’ll sit on the floor for the entire day, caught up in the middle of not-doing the chores i actually do want to be doing.

& the amount of mental energy that goes into it. & the legitimate amount of anger and discomfort and self-hate. is not “being lazy”.  it’d be a lot less work if i didn’t have to fight myself to just get up and do it. 

i just need you to understand it’s not effortless. it’s never effortless. it’s not “okay let me just get up and finally start doing this.” it’s more like. i am slamming my foot on the pedal but the car is in neutral and nothing is moving. it’s more like shouting instructions into a dying telephone. it’s more like being trapped in a small electric box, and someone who hates me is administering shocks. 

im trying. im trying. please help me get up.

[avpd-queer]

fuuuuuck i have needs and wants and desires :( sadly they needto put me at the bottom of a deep as fuck hole and pour cement over me because of this

[avpd-queer]

I am good. I am loved.

[avpd-queer]

[avpd-queer]

when mary oliver said ‘if you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. give in to it.’

and mahmoud darwish said ‘and if happiness should surprise you again, do not mention its previous betrayal.

enter into the happiness, and burst.’

[avpd-queer]

[avpd-queer]

you good dude...?

[avpd-queer]

Migraine Tenfold Times Ten

[avpd-queer]

One thing I’ve noticed is that when you’re in a state of constantly feeling and thinking “aaaah I’m so lonely I’m so alone I’m so alone I want to die” you typically aren’t in a state where you’re stable enough to solve that problem

[avpd-queer]

“Do it scared” but please realize that, if you Do It Scared too much and don’t let yourself rest + relax + have fun in between, you will fuck yourself up. If you “do it scared” all day every day, you will burn out badly and quickly. Sometimes this is temporarily necessary but please keep this in mind.