#so i shouldnt feel lonely
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Oh I'm so lonely
#spent the day surrounded by friends#so i shouldnt feel lonely#but its past midnight#im listening to red wine supernova (came up on my shuffled repeat playlist)#and im finding myself staring at the tv feeling...lonely. for her specially#i'll probably never hold her. i know shes just playing with me. i think. but i cant help but like her#i just want to hold her. i want to kiss her head while she sleeps on my chest. i miss her#i hate how much i actually like/want her. especially knowing we'll never be an actual thing#but i do. i just want to listen to her talk. hear her laugh. see her gorgeous smile. her breathtaking eyes. i just like her. i miss her#idk what im doing. idk what i truly want love-life wise. but rn i want her.#i dont even mind to share her with buddy boy. if it means getting a portion of her time to myself it would be worth it#haha nothing like crying over a straight girl that will probably never see me as more than a 'friend' to get attention from 🙃#but are we gonna stop feeling the things we're feeling? not likely ✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️#what does everything mean? or does it even mean anything at all?#i hate my fucking 'tistic ass brain that doesnt understand people and relationships and situations and shit#i hate that once i get attached to someone even if i know i shouldnt be it takes me foreverrrrrrrrrrr to stop feeling for them#so much has been going on in my head lately. between her & my feelings for her work drama introspective gender feelings etc#and worrying about saving for an apartment and thinking about the next phase of my life coming up#ive just felt so overwhelmed and stressed and confused lately#idk what to do with myself. idk what to do with my life#delete later#personal#heyitslapis rambles#ive been so burnt out lately. fuck
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Writing on the au of the gay dads au where Ballister carries nimona, and he's so excited to learn she's a girl after months of not knowing [(bc she didn't show. The lil mf (based over my college friend whose mom never knew her gender while pregnant and had to buy only yellow neutral clothes for her during that time JDDJ)] and goes to the nearest supermarket to buy a bunch of baby girl clothes bc he finally knows what he can buy and he makes me so sad Ballister why are you like this (I wrote him)
[he's internally going like, yeah this and that, and of course this! With reasoning behind every purchase about how she's going to need all that (and refers to her as 'her' and not 'his baby' during all of that little bit of writing, just because he now knows her gender and is glad about that). And there's onesies and bibs and little baby shoes and this mf is still so worried if he made the right decision of keeping the baby but he's so obviously excited about having her 🧍]
(when sometime later he expresses this worry to Ambrosius, the guy is like stfu what are you talking about, look at all these clothes we're folding) (he doesn't say that but it's something like, relax, you love her and it shows)
I like this fic so much it has everything I'd like to read (I wrote it)
#nimona#my fics#mpreg#yea#bro ballister i love you thats why i write you lonely and excited about having your baby girl#NO AND BRO#theres a thing later on the fic when shes born where he thinks he shouldnt have worried so much about not loving her or feeling just obli-#-gated to take care of her bc he feels all hell yeah my baby I'll make sure youre cared and safe and Im glad youre here
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ok kind of an insane ask so feel free to ignore but would you be able to translate "友達バリア" by deco*27? i can't find any translations online and i wanna see if i'm right about the song kind of fitting the matsus... it's also a banger imo
- vocamatsu anon
omg.... tbh i have a feeling deco will make a video for this one which means we'll get an official english translation of it, rendering this completely redundant, but i'm really cheesed to have been asked, so i gave it a shot for you anyways <3
youtube
Friend-zoned, love fire, sparks flying HIBANA We're ready, set to lock horns, love's ultimate showdown I'm outmatched- but it's not over yet! I won't let this end! With a dazzling, never-give-up attitude, I'll break through your defenses!
The despair of never getting anything more of this Your behavior, nor what's going on in your head- I can't read it at all! I can't help but envy the kindness you radiate Omnidirectional compatibility- it's just not for me
Carefully-picked down-played words The outcome: A bloody heart True feelings double-crossed by embarrassment; how frustrating, I'm changing sides But that won't fill up my heart What I want is nothing more than to be by your side If you've got something to say, then say it- 'til I defeat you, that is! 3, 2, 1!
Friend-zoned, love fire, sparks flying HIBANA We're ready, set to lock horns, love's ultimate showdown I'm outmatched- but it's not over yet! I won't let this end! With a dazzling, never-give-up attitude, I'll break through your defenses!
I want you to like me! I want you to like me! Friend-zoned, love fire, hey, say "I give up"! With a dazzling, never-give-up attitude, I'll break through your defenses!
Fun things, good feelings- without you, they have no taste at all Sadness, jealousy- if they're cuz of you, then I don't mind them Let's throw down, bro! Better to regret doing it, than not doing it at all! A feeling like I won't need any special moves, YEAH I'm sure everything will be OKAY With an endless supply of love, you're undefeated, AYE Play dead, BYE BYE I'll be the one to throw the first punch
Friend-zoned, love fire, sparks flying HIBANA We're ready, set to lock horns, love's ultimate showdown The lonely and timid me is already no more! With a dazzling, blazing flair, I'll burn through your defenses!
Do you like me yet? Do you like me yet? Friend-zoned, love fire, now, let's immerse ourselves in love! With a dazzling, blazing flair, a never-ending HAO sweetener battle!
Do you like me yet? Do you like me yet? Friend-zoned, love fire, now, let's immerse ourselves in love! With a dazzling, blazing flair, a never-ending HAO sweetener battle!
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my notes:
my overall interpretation of this song is "I'm trying to break through the friend zone (friendship barrier) so that you like me instead of thinking of me as a friend", so any vagueness in translation went in that direction
The use of "lock horns" in the official translation snippet + the HAO motifs give me the mental image of like, a hand-to-hand kung fu battle, so I leaned towards that imagery whenever there was vagueness (as opposed to like, a military campaign, for example)
deco's official english translations tend to be very liberal, so i tried to keep my translation a little more literal
#translation#i dont really like the use of 'friend-zoned' for the official translation of this#in general deco's english translations seem to favor localizing over keeping original meaning which i usually support wholeheartedly#but i feel like their en localizations sometimes lack a colloquial understanding of how these terms come across to english speakers#like the Vibe. i dont know if they grasp the Vibe#like on the surface 'friend-zone' seems like a reasonable localization for this concept#(Actually why is the localization the adjective form? shouldnt it be the noun? tomodachi barrier = friend zone? well anyways)#term for when you can't advance a platonic relationship to a romantic one + the term 'zone' is often used in fighting and battles#but colloquially i feel like this term has more of an Incel Connotation#due to its use being most popularized among men who see women as a prize they can win if they put enough effort in#+ its usage furthering the underlying expectation that women should date a man because he likes her regardless of how She feels abt it#of coures i know this is not the literal definition but again. the colloquialism. the Vibe. i really value the Vibe in localization#it gives off more of a pathetic desperate entitled vibe than a determined lonely feisty vibe which is what i personally got from the song#but vibes are subjective of course and dependent on one's personal experience#and who knows maybe that IS what deco's going for. i may very well be missing some japanese colloquialism as well#anyways as to if this fits the matsus.... well. they dont really have any friends in the first place do they#except totoko who repeatedly and easily beats them in hand-to-hand combat#i guess it could be atsutodo if you were full of whimsy#(suddenly coming back into the room) BY THE WAY I HATE HAO#I THINK HE'S TRYING TO DO THE THING WHERE HE JUST MAKES UP WORDS/MEANINGS BECAUSE IT'S THE KANJI IN SUKI#IT'S JUST AN EXTREMELY COMMON CHINESE WORD AND HE'S USING IT IN WAYS THAT SOUND SO DUMB AND WEIRRDDDDDDDDD#“a never ending HAO sweetener battle” <- WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE HAO HAPPEN? DONT PISS ME OFF#IM LIKE PRETTY SURE HIS TRANSLATOR IS EN/CN/JP TRILLINGUAL TOO SO WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE HERE#anyways thank you for the ask. mwah. i hope u enjoy this
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fuck. the seasonal affective urge to socially isolate
#ive been feeling weirdly lonely again even though i do have friends i love and care about and who love and care about me#for the last couple months maybe? maybe just the last month#either way. blehhhhhh#ik its not real and its just an emotion happening to me#but its also real so i shouldnt beat myself up for feeling an emotion#blehhhhhhhhhh
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love paying thousands of dollars so I can sit in a lecture hall and over think my identity instead of maths
#its like. god idk. the more i think about it the more i feel like i have to accept that i am just aroace?#and the more i realise i really dont want that to be true?#it just. feels so fucking lonely#like. god.#all my friends are in relationships and im not. everyone was talking about childhood crushes yesterday and i just couldn't join in. we were#fillimg out these identity chart things and there just. wasnt an option for what i was#relationships are always going to be more important than friendships and that makes sense. i get that. but that also means im always going#to be lesser to someone else#like yes amato/allonormativity is bullshit and i shouldnt listen to it but. fuck its depressing feeling like im just missing a core part of#what makes someone a real person yk. it fucking sucks#like i think im already sensitive to that bc growing up trans and neurodivergent means i already feel like ive missed out on so many#milestones#and now i have this. and im always going to have this. and it fucking sucks#like idk!! i wanna date!! i want someone to care about me in that way!! but ill never be able to do that without feeling like im decieving#them so whats the fucking point yk!!#like im just overexaggerating the few hints of sexuality i have now to at least try to pretend i have one#because at least then i can be included in those conversations and not feel like a lesser person for those few seconds#but then it changes. and im back to feeling like a freak and half of a person !! and i feel like a freak and gross whenever i di exaggerate#my sexualoty at all so yk. no winning there ig#god idk#this got uh. more depressing than i thought#i think i just already feel lowkey like shit constantly so this just makes it worse?#idk. im too tired for this shit#thumbsup#i swear im normal
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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not to keep hammering on this point or sound like an incel or anything but im so touch starved that if a girl kissed me on the cheek right now i would meltdown like a nuclear power plant, causing radiation damage for miles
#i haaaaaate to be like boo hoo i no have friends or girlfriend#but im so genuinely lonely it hurts and hurts and hurts#and i wish it didnt hurt!! i wish i could just accept that im a loser who probably shouldnt be with people#but it fucking aches all the time and i feel so gross for wanting attention#attention that im probably not going to get at all ever#whatever. weed is my girlfriend im going to smoke until i cant feel anything#delete later
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Crying in the tags pls ignore
#got cancelled on TWICE by a guy today#after getting led on basically all weekend#i just feel kinda like shit#i shouldnt have expected anything else but i always assume people are gonna have the decency to follow through on plans#which is stupid of me#dating sucks but i feel so lonely all the time anyway#sorry for the venting I'm okay
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i think the worst part about having chronic mental & physical illness is that everyone gets used to it but me
no one asks how i'm really doing anymore, because they know the answer is always the same
no one seems concerned when i outwardly show signs of depression, because that's what they expect to see from me at this point
no one knows how much i'm struggling, even when i'm open about it -- because she's always struggling with something, that's just how she is
it's like the more they see of my pain, the more they get desensitized to it. but i never do
it feels like i'm drowning every day, in plain view, while everyone is thinking "she's such a good swimmer though, she's been doing this for a long time. i'm sure she'll be fine"
#i shouldnt say *no one* or *everyone* because there are a couple people who really care#but it feels like most people in my circle barely register my feelings anymore#and i dont blame them but its so painfully lonely#chronic illness#mentally ill#personal
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Me: wtf why am I so lonely and depressed and angry. There is literally no reason for this
Also me: *has been fucked over, betrayed, and hurt by nearly every person I've ever been close with and has lost almost all my relationships and friends*
#i shouldnt be lonely i still have friends. like. 1 of them 😅 a friend...#idk theres also people that i know care about me but im just not that close with#i feel like that should count for something but i still just feel incredibly alone#and so hurt#i don't know how to heal#i hate how angry ive been but looking at how ive been treated i think its justified#i think my anger is trying to protect ms#but i have to fight with the version of me who was raised to not protect himself#and he may not have put up a fight against our abusers but he sure as hell puts up a fight against me
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dawg im so sick of weirdos on the internet defending really problematic shit and saying "it's fiction" cause like, while i do get where they're coming from, shutting down an argument with it sucks. sure, fiction can be used to explore problematic things, its just that i have an overall issue with how these people expect it to be consumed without any thought at all??
it also doesnt even address the nuance when it comes to this kinda shit (which is why i dont like the pro/anti labels bc wtf do those labels even fucking mean. i hate it)
#i dont wanna go full rant on the post so ill put the rest of my thoughts here#basically i dont care about what you consume in fiction. but i also want you to be critical of whatever youre consuming#for example i recently watched a vid about isekai harems and ppl were talkin about how it was escapist fantasy for lonely men in japan#but it just makes me feel a bit icked out bc i feel like this kinda media CAN affect how men view women#the same applies to shit like. rape fantasy and stuff#im not sayin that EVERY person who enjoys this would do this irl#but its problematic anime like this that makes me lowkey worried about how men view women yknow??#and the same applies to loli/shota stuff#these guys act like bc theyre fiction it doesnt reflect on their actions irl and i do agree to an extent#but i feel like it only applies to some select individuals#some of them can draw a hard line with fiction when it comes to this shit. but there are others who look at problematic anime and go#'oh well bc the guy in this anime does this it MUST be ok!!'#obvs tho im not sayin problematic shit shouldnt be in media. a lot of ppl also lack media literacy#and that shit annoys me too#overpolicing of what people should enjoy is annoying#ive rambled a lot but my conclusion is this: if you enjoy smth problematic just keep in mind if it affects the way you think towards others#also goes without saying but keep your space away from minors as well#and if someone expresses they dont like the thing you like then just respect that???#skypeaks
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how the fuck do people make friends online lol
#abc shut it#vent#or in general#im so fucking lonely lol i cant even play games anymore bc thats cringe wow your so lonely looser#i dont draw anymore bc it doesnt fullfill me bc i have no one to share it with and no one cares#i wish my existence was acknowledge besides when im wrong and being stupid or lashing out and being mean bc ive hit my limit with being#treated lesser than those around me#for a fundamental flaw in my whole being and soul that i cannot fix and ppl wont tell me what it is#I feel like im screaming PLEASE SEE ME PLEASE HEAR ME#and everyone just fucking ignores me what am i doing wrong can someone tell me what im doing wrong#im so self aware to the point of exhaustion and i still fuck up and dont know whats wrong with me#please just someone help me and tell me#i feel like i have no one and cant rely on others please#im at my wits end#if i cant buy a house and still feel this lonely by 30 im ending it all i cant live in a world this terrible anymore#idk i feel like the people i do have in my life cant even bother to makle the time for me and i cant even have a moment to dicuss that with#them#bc they never text me back or are never around long enough to have that conversation with me#or if i cant make it known im treated like an idioit for feeling that way and i shouldnt be so selfish that ppl dont wanna make time for me#i just wanna feel like im cared and loved for in return is that too much to ask for#the people i care about i feel dont care as much for me as i do them#and if they do they dont show it to me at all#all i do is get belittled and treated like a child and talked over#i cant do it anymore
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#sad lonely hrs baby#getting decent accommodation from those around you feels like pulling teeth on god#i cant have friends it feels like bc so much shit is just common 5hat shouldnt be#like how celebrated literal addiction/alocholism is#being a buzkill bc i get overstimmed really easy#and just any of my problems actually
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Feeling stupid cause feeling lonely and wishing I could find a special someone
#its dumb because like i have friends and family im not lonely yet still feel lonely?#and im a hopeless romantic and just fuuu wish i could find someone#but also know deep down im scared kf a relationship so like i shouldnt get one maybe idk#hears a love song turns into a sad blob
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#why does she get to move on and be happy and make it work with someone on the other side of the ocean for 2 years+#while i was too far for her living one state away#and why does it still hurt so much its been so long it shouldnt still hurt me this much#i just wish i could stop feeling so lonely all the time#i hate it here i hate my mind i hate this#im so fucking desperate for a connection. to feel something#to love and to be loved#im so upset#i
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im gonna complain sorry i need to get this out of my brain since ive been thinking about it recently. leaving it in the tags so you can ignore it or whatever
#i just. feel like im missing out on everything recently#everyone else is having fun with each other and their friends and im just. here for no reason#timezones fuck me over so intensely on like a daily basis and its so fucking sad like#the society is demanding me to be a responsible human being which means sleeping - and while i do that everyone else has fun#yall get to watch things together. yall get to chat about things together. yall get to do shit in real time#like im not blaming anyone for having fun good for you im glad youre enjoying yourselves and everything!!#but also i just. feel left out. and its very stupid but im stupid and so is having to sleep and i never get to do anything fun cause of it#i never get to watch stuff live. i never get to participate in anything. and when i maybe do its an anxiety situation so i have to pass#i think thats why wrestling is rn a very sore spot for me. i havent really watched anything in a while cause i feel so left out#like im always behind. and i know it shouldnt matter but when i see everyone interacting with live blogs and such and i know i cant do that#and theres no point doing that afterwards#and the only things i can reasonably live blog are things that nobody else watches or cares about and im just#mostly anyways i only put my time and effort into something that only i care about#and im not gonna lie it kinda hurts. like ofc i cant ask anyone else to care but i just feel so fucking lonely sometimes#sorry im just. not in a good spot. honestly i probably never will be cause none of this is going to change cause i cant change it#and i cant and wont ask anyone to change it cause thats not good or fair or anything to anyone#i shouldnt even post this this is so stupid and im such a stupid little baby but im just...#im so fucking lonely sometimes and i see everyone else being able to do things and have fun and enjoy themselves. without me#im so lonely and im so jealous and it just fucking sucks okay#im gonna go now. im sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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