#im listening to red wine supernova (came up on my shuffled repeat playlist)
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Oh I'm so lonely
#spent the day surrounded by friends#so i shouldnt feel lonely#but its past midnight#im listening to red wine supernova (came up on my shuffled repeat playlist)#and im finding myself staring at the tv feeling...lonely. for her specially#i'll probably never hold her. i know shes just playing with me. i think. but i cant help but like her#i just want to hold her. i want to kiss her head while she sleeps on my chest. i miss her#i hate how much i actually like/want her. especially knowing we'll never be an actual thing#but i do. i just want to listen to her talk. hear her laugh. see her gorgeous smile. her breathtaking eyes. i just like her. i miss her#idk what im doing. idk what i truly want love-life wise. but rn i want her.#i dont even mind to share her with buddy boy. if it means getting a portion of her time to myself it would be worth it#haha nothing like crying over a straight girl that will probably never see me as more than a 'friend' to get attention from 🙃#but are we gonna stop feeling the things we're feeling? not likely ✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️#what does everything mean? or does it even mean anything at all?#i hate my fucking 'tistic ass brain that doesnt understand people and relationships and situations and shit#i hate that once i get attached to someone even if i know i shouldnt be it takes me foreverrrrrrrrrrr to stop feeling for them#so much has been going on in my head lately. between her & my feelings for her work drama introspective gender feelings etc#and worrying about saving for an apartment and thinking about the next phase of my life coming up#ive just felt so overwhelmed and stressed and confused lately#idk what to do with myself. idk what to do with my life#delete later#personal#heyitslapis rambles#ive been so burnt out lately. fuck
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