#self preservation

[nuri148]

As my mum always said, bad people do not have a sign on their foreheads.

I want to step away from the art-vs-artist side of the Gaiman issue for a bit, and talk about, well, the rest of it. Because those emotions you're feeling would be the same without the art; the art just adds another layer.

Source: I worked with a guy who turned out to be heavily involved in an international, multi-state sex-slavery/trafficking ring.

He was really nice.

Yeah.

It hits like a dumptruck of shit. You don't feel stable in your world anymore. How could someone you interacted with, liked, also be a truly horrible person? How could your judgement be that bad? How can real people, not stylized cartoon bogeymen, be actually doing this shit?

You have to sit with the fact that you couldn't, or probably couldn't, have known. You should have no guilt as part of this horror — but guilt is almost certainly part of that mess you're feeling, because our brains do this associative thing, and somehow "I liked [the version of] the guy [that I knew]", or his creations, becomes "I made a horrible mistake and should feel guilty."

You didn't, loves, you didn't.

We're human, and we can only go by the information we have. And the information we have is only the smallest glimpse into someone else's life.

I didn't work closely with the guy I knew at work, but we chatted. He wasn't just nice; he was one of the only people outside my tiny department who seemed genuinely nice in a workplace that was rapidly becoming incredibly toxic. He loaned me a bike trainer. Occasionally he'd see me at the bus stop and give me a lift home.

Yup. I was a young woman in my twenties and rode in this guy's car. More than once.

When I tell this story that part usually makes people gasp. "You must feel so scared about what could have happened to you!" "You're so lucky nothing happened!"

No, that's not how it worked. I was never in danger. This guy targeted Korean women with little-to-no English who were coerced and powerless. A white, fluent, US citizen coworker wasn't a potential victim. I got to be a person, not prey.

Y'know that little warning bell that goes off, when you're around someone who might be a danger to you? That animal sense that says "Something is off here, watch out"?

Yeah, that doesn't ping if the preferred prey isn't around.

That's what rattled me the most about this. I liked to think of myself as willing to stand up for people with less power than me. I worked with Japanese exchange students in college and put myself bodily between them and creeps, and I sure as hell got that little alarm when some asian-schoolgirl fetishist schmoozed on them. But we were all there.

I had to learn that the alarm won't go off when the hunter isn't hunting. That it's not the solid indicator I might've thought it was. That sometimes this is what the privilege of not being prey does; it completely masks your ability to detect the horrors that are going on.

A lot of people point out that 'people like that' have amazing charisma and ability to lie and manipulate, and that's true. Anyone who's gotten away with this shit for decades is going to be way smoother than the pathetic little hangers-on I dealt with in university. But it's not just that. I seriously, deeply believe that he saw me as a person, and he did not extend personhood to his victims. We didn't have a fake coworker relationship. We had a real one. And just like I don't know the ins-and-outs of most of my coworkers lives, I had no idea that what he did on his down time was perpetrate horrors.

I know this is getting off the topic, but it's so very important. Especially as a message to cis guys: please understand that you won't recognize a creep the way you might think you will. If you're not the preferred prey, the hind-brain alarm won't go off. You have to listen to victims, not your gut feeling that the person seems perfectly nice and normal. It doesn't mean there's never a false accusation, but face the fact that it's usually real, and you don't have enough information to say otherwise.

So, yeah. It fucking sucks. Writing about this twists my insides into tense knots, and it was almost a decade ago. I was never in danger. No one I knew was hurt!

Just countless, powerless women, horrifically abused by someone who was nice to me.

You don't trust your own judgement quite the same way, after. And as utterly shitty as it is, as twisted up and unstead-in-the-world as I felt the day I found out — I don't actually think that's a bad thing.

I think we all need to question our own judgement. It makes us better people.

I don't see villains around every corner just because I knew one, once. But I do own the fact that I can't know, really know, about anyone except those closest to me. They have their own full lives. They'll go from the pinnacles of kindness to the depths of depravity — and I won't know.

It's not a failing. It's just being human. Something to remember before you slap labels on people, before you condemn them or idolize them. Think about how much you can't know, and how flawed our judgement always is.

Grieve for victims, and the feeling of betrayal. But maybe let yourself off the hook, and be a bit slower to skewer others on it.

[drferox]

Listen, if you haven’t been told before, let me be the first one to tell you:

If you are working in a vet clinic alone, all by yourself, you lock the damn door.

This is especially important if you’re young and female but should apply to everybody.

It does not matter if you’re just about to open and another staff member will be there ‘soon’. It does not matter if you are expecting a client any minute now. It does not matter if it is the middle of the day because the vet is on a house call.

You are sitting, by yourself, in a building full of cash and drugs. You lock the damn door.

You can sit yourself down somewhere that you can see the door and be selective about who you let in, but otherwise you lock the damn door.

You do not want to find yourself in a FNAF situation trying to avoid the person with ill intent who walked in looking for drugs while you were out the back, or hanging up washing. You don’t want to look up after feeding a cat to realise somebody followed you in when they saw only one car in the car park.

Just lock the door.

[robocop1906]

Just going to the store for some milk

[astrogirlythings]

Things to do when you are bored :

Go for a walk in the park all by yourself or with your pet.

Journal or blog about whatever.

Create a new playlist for walk or gym.

Rewatch a favourite classic horror movie or any favourite movie.

Cuddle your pet or your plush toy.

Start a new hobby or perfect the hobby you are already comfortable with.

Get in touch with an old friend.

Take cute self portraits or any nature pictures.

Dance like no one's watching you.

Go out to shop for stationery. (Personal favourite)

Take yourself on a date to a café.

Crossword. Word search. Sudoku.

Create a vision board.

Learn a new skill through online courses or YouTube.

Clean your room and donate your old stuff.

SELF LOVE. SELF LOVE. SELF LOVE. SELF LOVE. (Bubble baths, Home spa, Fruit Facial, Pedicure, Manicure, Doll Up etc .,.)

Update your socials.

Create or update your bucket list.

Start a new series.

Attend any hands-on workshop.

Discover your art style.

Organise your garden or planters.

Doodle your boredom away.

Take a nap.

Make a list..... 😐😑(I am bored too.)

[palatinewolfsblog]

"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde.

[shadycomputerpolice]

Stranger Danger

Sex Positive Feminists will talk all day about male sexual violence and in the same breath encourage women and girls to have sex with men and boys they barely know.

They always rebut with "Well, most women and girls are harmed by men and boys they know so..." as if they are saying the most profound shit. Of course women and girls are harmed by males that have access to them.

Above in the crime triangle, we see that opportunity aka access is necessary for a crime to occur.

So yeah, the people who have access to you are the ones who are going to hurt you regardless of if you know them intimately or not. The answer to women being abused by those closest to them is not for them to grant access to strangers.

Strange men do not hurt women because they are good men, strange men do not hurt women because they do not have an opportunity to harm women. There are cases that reveal that strangers do in fact hurt women when they have the opportunity to harm them.

"Stranger Danger" is not completely unfounded. You can absolutely be hurt by strange men when they have the opportunity to do so through sexual access and other means.

[whumpster-dumpster]

"I'm not afraid to die."

"You should be. You might live longer."

[crazycatsiren]

Hearing your mother's voice on the phone shouldn't activate your fight-or-flight, I'm just saying here. 😑

[enii]

🐸💕🌻

[diaryofanenchantedprincess]

Monarch butterflies will not attempt to fly in the rain because the raindrops will damage their wings. They will rest and wait it out. It’s self-preservation. It’s okay to rest during the storms in your life. Take all the time you need. You will fly again once the storm passes.

- Sharon March 🦋

[18catsreading]

Oh wow y'all i am traumatized as hell. Rosumand fully died, Thumbelina tried to save her, and Rosamund's briars ripped Thumbelina into pieces and revivified her, mostly.

There was a fully hilarious conversation about Thumbelina being a surgeon harvesting Rosamund's organs and then Emily says something like "you harvested her organs instead!" Which was hysterical in the horror of what had just happened.

[classic1970beauty]

Sis, please romanticize your life! Go on solo trips, buy yourself flowers, splurge on yourself. Do what you want someone to do for you! Set the bar as high as you'd like and fall in love with being good to you! If you're too afraid to be with yourself then why should anyone want to be with you? Do this and I promise the glow you'll have will need to be studied! Only then will you attract like minds, hearts, opportunities and doors so big you know it was the Lord! May your whole life be proof that God doesn't play about you!🙏🏽❤️

[astrogirlythings]

[wahroh]

Self preservation

[shadycomputerpolice]

Honestly, I feel that women trying to defend their personal boundaries with academic research and peer reviewed journals when a simple "eww gross" will suffice is female socialisation.

You are not advocating for public policy, you shouldn't have to debate your personal boundaries like it is public policy.

[cancerian]

I may not be a feminist, but I’ll be first to say any man that uses feminist as an insult is a red flag 🚩. Feminism is the most basic form of wanting equality, so why would you view someone who wants to be your equal as a bad thing? Is it because you actually think women are less than human?