#or at least help me find the energy
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uni emailing me again bc i failed another semester :3c i dont wanna deal with this !!! i dont know what to tell them. idk what to tell myself
#you would think just making an appointment. would be a simple and easy task#but apparently its really not#the amount of mental energy literally every action takes#and im just left to deal w it by myself too#the passive ''how are u doing'' isnt enough lmao#i just want someone WITH me#who will go Oh ill do that :) when i cant find the energy myself#or at least help me find the energy#or just keep me company when i quit#idk what people irl think is going on why am i just left on my own so much
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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I mean I’m obsessed with crash landing on you because it’s like if a hallmark movie was good and that is fascinating to my brain and healing to my heart.
#I didn’t think such a thing was possible#I’ve been living very much in a world of extremes lately re: Art#like. on the one hand all the great works I teach just taking OVER my brain#and my knowledge of them deepening at a very rapid pace#(sometimes in a too terrifying way so I feel like I’m hurtling down a hill. it’s actually really hard sometimes and I think part of how)#(my anxiety is manifesting itself. like. I just. I don’t feel like I’ve taken a deep breath in a year)#(I’ve just been in. motion.)#and then on the other hand finding new ways to find shows like Bridgerton dead#and Bridgerton helps with that because it is emotionally hollow. because it is fundamentally embarrassing#because Anthony snarling at Kate about how his honor is hanging by a thread isn’t sexy at all#so my mind has kind of just been living in those two extremes and there hasn’t been a lot of room for gentleness or nuance#but cloy is very healing 😭 and it just doesn’t#push the buttons in my brain that immediately need to analyze and#to some extent—destroy! tear apart! with fierce and savage energy.#it just lets my brain and heart exist.#and also there is something so sweet and pure and real about so much of it#I think it’s cause it’s true love 😭 and it’s that simple.#(I’ve also outgrown/moved on from some of the more mediocre things I used to love. Like I just needed something new) but yeah.#it has been very hard in my brain lately even though it’s also been very good#like. teaching is just a lot these days. because it takes sooooooo much effort and work to get the kids going intellectually speaking#and one of the only ways I know how to reach them. or at least the lane I’m really driving in right now#(I know there are more ways)#is simply speaking to them above their heads. with passion and energy and a certain degree of expertise#and it’s WORKING#because it wakes them up and makes them want to engage#but I am also moving so fast and so vulnerably for all of my certainty. that it’s just hard.#I need to relax but I can’t. I feel like the devil is behind me every second#this is dramatic. and as Lewis said in surprised by joy it’s only one layer of what’s happening#but it is what happening#a lot of things are unfolding/growing and also the anxiety is terrible
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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One thing about me is that I love foreshadowing so very much and if i don’t set up at least 2-3 things in every chapter to pay off later then I explode
#there’s a mention of a oddity in the treasury books in chapter 3 that secretly set something up for chapter 4. for example#I know it’s not nearly at the level of ms kui but I do try and strive for dunmeshi levels of consistency and payoff in my stuff#there’s things I’ve already set up that won’t payoff until the climax and that makes me so happy it’s fun#it helps me find energy to write its like :3 my little treat that I’ve left for myself :3#idk how obvious it is to anyone but me I do often struggle not to make stuff Too Obscure but#I like to think that at least subconsciously it helps make things feel like a consistent world#nrbts#< not exclusively but that’s what I’m thinking about rn#I’m posting this to help keep myself from actually wanting to blab secrets see this is why I have trouble DMing#I just want to talk about stuff!! all the time!
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why's all the colorful stuff always in the kids' options oTL
#just me hi#Whyyy [laying on the ground facing up. hand on your shoe]#I see a thing with colours I like and it's either a) fast fashion garbage that'll break down quick + be incredibly uncomfortable#or b) only goes to size 10 in kids#Must I suffer. Its already hard finding my shoes they're funking Black kdhsvfh#Not only would colours just be nicer to wear they'd also be easier to find <3#And I got the go ahead for multicolour so Whyhuhyhyhhyyyyy lmaoo#And if I get recced another pastel palette I'll explode. It's just not happening. Help kfvsh#It's either pastels or dusty colours I do not vibe with at this time. Or black#And black can be Fine but I don't want black but I also don't want to die immediately walking around and Blaaahh bloooooo ouhrrrr#My mother said this shoe brand she wants me to get shoes from has good colours and I go to check it and you Won't Believe What They Had#I've been SNUBBED#is that the word here? Hang on loll :)#Close enough 👍💥💥#SNUBBED dude. Just awful kfshsh#I don't want neutral colours I am so tired of them lmfhsf#That and pastels. Lord please I am begging for a restraining order against pastels#I had this same problem looking for skates last year whyyyy am I supposed to be beige and faded blue all the time BLAH#//anyway I Did sleep yea :>#I'm also slightly hungry which my explain my renewed issues with this but yk what I think I would had this problem anyway. Peace kfdhshf#At least I can find clothing with patterns and colours i like that happen to be on the same shirt right. Right#Okey I'm gonna stop talking abt it Lmfhsvfhd#//yea I've got some left over energies from last night and a thing I've gotta get on so :3#I think I've figured out my process w/ the tradi inking and then colouring! Went at record speeds last nnnI mean this morning Kfhsvf#Though I have Got to eat before that. Sigh. Sigh. Sighhhh#Life: you get to eat but you also don't have a choice lmao#Same thing with sleep. And baths. Why must good things suck so hard [shaking my fist]#//anyWho I'm going on my way. Onnn my way#Yep. Moving now. As we speak uhh huh#Alright toodles pfsh :>
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Recent ones of these even though they all look the same lol.. forcing myself to document progress..
#I can average like 2500 words a day for a while and then something gets in the way and I don't write for a week or something#which then sort of erases my previous Doing Good At Keeping Up With It lol.. but... alas#Still moving slowly forward...#There's a 'community board' place in game where you can go to look at a few things and some of whats there is little 'odd jobs' the player#can do for a little extra coin (since you can buy items in the game/might need coin).#Thhough of course since it's just interactive fiction/visual novel it's not like... actual minigames or something. Just like..#mini stories of your character going places and doing stuff and having some interactions with the other places in the world#Like for example since modern refrigerators don't exist in this world one of the odd jobs you can do is help with doing ice deliveries#or there's one odd job where you assist a guy recharging the city's main bell tower/time keeping place by helping him go around and replace#the iriminel crystals (kind of like magical batteries - stones that are able to store energy that way and be used to fuel passive#enchantments). or one where you help food prep for the cooks at a nearby automat. etc. etc.#Just little short things to get a better glimpse of how the wider city is outside of just interacting with the main characters. plus earn#a tiny bit of coin. Though because they're so short there's not really branching paths or anything much for choices beyond#usually an optional dialogye menu where you can talk to the person you're working with and ask them personal#or work related questions if inclined to do so. It'd be cool if they were more in depth but.......erugh...#I have so much writing left to do already lol.. Also since it's really just to get money I could have just had them#all be like a single sentence of 'you go here and you do this all day then you come home. + 15 coins. yaay' and thats all#So maybe it's a middle ground to elaborate upon them at all. Just enough extra details to maybe be a little interesting#like ''ooh my character is in a little cart riding through the misty morning forest on their way to deliver ice'' . but also not so much#that it takes away time from like... the literal actual main game lol#ANYWAY. That's what all these are. There are like 10 optional little world exploring/job things you can do. and each I guess seem to be#about 2.500 words ish. That's including the optional chatting menus though. but still. reasonable for a little side thing I guess.#I got finished with one character's quests and stuff so I decided to take a break to work on some of the other little things like the Odd#Jobs and the 8 characters you can find around the world to have short conversations with that aren't actual main characters either. etc.#Then I shall return back to the Main Actual Things. ... augh...... still so much to do...#Which I could also just cut everything extra out but... idk.. since it's mostly all text I feel the need to give more options to flesh out#the actual setting somehow. Since in a 3D game you can walk around and explore the world and stuff. And of course there#are pictures. but it would take me infinitely longer to do detailed art of so much of the entire city youre in or etc. So i guess my versio#of still having some amount of ''exploration'' is just.. set up optional paths where more of the world can at least be Described.#You can't actually walk through a 3d orchard. or an elaborate bell tower. or an elven shrine. But you can Read About being in them LOL
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crazy how fast grad school went from “i suck at my job but i’m ok at my classes” to “i’m ok at my job but i suck at my classes”
#fuck this shit i just wanna get back into research#and i mean im still sort of useless at teaching but like. in ways that aren’t my fault. not my fault the answer keys are so fuckin vague#at least vague answer keys mean i can give my students more points#which is a win for them bc higher grades and a win for me bc i do not get paid enough to spend time nitpicking#but like. i am lowkey failing my classes lmao#i just need a B or higher in one of them and to pass one more and if I have to I can still drop one#which i think i will probably do bc trying to find an advisor takes way too much time and they’re also wasting our time with the#stupid teaching class that would have been helpful as a second week of orientation but at this point is literally just taking our time and#energy away from. yknow. actually fucking teaching#anyway#i am going to send my goddamn emails this morning#it’s 5:30 if i don’t have all four of my emails sent by 7:30 you all have permission to publicly shame me on tumblr dot com#screams into the void#update: i sent my emails (all 5 of them) now its time to go back to hiding in bed
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Just played Lesson 13. Still don't like Lilith's presence much but DAMN we got World Building and Diavolo characterization- That's pretty good. ( Won't elaborate for spoiler reasons but yeah liked it enough I suppose. )
Kinda been waiting to get some stuff on Diavolo and Barbatos so eager to see what comes next.
#obey me#obey me musings#obey me nightbringer#obey me lilith#obey me Diavolo#Lilith's presence in general annoys me even if its brief.#idgaf about you. You were turned Human why dont you focus on that instead of weeping and hyperfocusing on the life you left behind#sorry thats rude... I just dont like Lilith.#But yeah we get world building AND Diavolo characterization?? YES MA'AM#And like tbh i'm kind of grateful for it because I dont really like Diavolo but i find him interesting.#I know we got Diavolo stans here ready to rip my face off over it but like... Yeah at least we can agree hes an interesting peep#Kinda wondering what theyll do for him because i find Nightbringer Diavolo way more understanding and interesting than Original Diavolo#So Lilith is -1 and Diavolo/Worldbuilding is +2 = 1 out of .5 which means pretty good lol#Also not gonna spoil but- Keep that Same Energy Lilith when you beg me for help after your brothers have been trainwrecks. Keep that energy
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I just had the horrible thought/prediction that Ranpo might die and now I can't stop thinking about that help
#bsd#bsd ranpo#it would hurt so much if that happened#but hey at least i could say i called it(?)#idk for some reason the line “my friends think invincible” gives the energy of “this chararter is going to die” and it scares me#and i know that the line was said pretty long time ago in the story but still it has “i'm going to die” vibes#worse : what if the agency wins the fight agaisnt fyodor and the world is saved#but the agency loses the person that it was founded to help find a place
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god my executive dysfunction is so fucking Bad lately
#toy txt post#so many tasks and dont want to Do anything and like on the one hand Theyre Not That Hard it wont take THAT long i have plenty of time#on the other hand#it will take like 5fucking hrs and if it doesnt i will find a way to make take 5fucking hours and all this and i still havent eaten#enough for breakfast but like??? what am i supposed to waste energy on actually cooking something?#man i love eggs but i think maybe id actually struggle if i had chickens not cos id get tired of eating eggs but cos#all the low effort ways to consume eggs gross me out and the ways i like are not THAT high effort but its too high effort to be#an everyday thing for me :(#okay i have gotta stop thinking about the State Of Things. and figure out a nutrient dense thing to eat for breakfast thats quick and easy#and that i actually like to eat. but also i maybe want coffee so i should not have a clif bar. augh#IT IS 3PM. FUCK. I FUCKING WOKE UP AT LIKE 9!!!!! AND TOOK MY MEDS EARLY AND I STILL END UP NOT DOING FUCKING ANYTHING AT ALL TIL 3PM#i hate this i need to like#fully reset. i need to go to bed at idk. 9pm and wake up at like 5am and get dressed and go out fucking early i hate this!!!!!#i hate !!!! not fucking functioning!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!#i need a therapist or smth but like one that will find a way to word shit so that it doesnt piss me off and make me want to pettily not do#things that would maybe help#agh#i have been trying to get better about#doing my physical therapy at least
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#anyway the most exciting conversation I had today was explaining how I managed to fuck up the dog’s haircut#(he’s squirmy that’s it that’s the reason)#moving on though the main issue is I still need like. the crutch of being online almost#and I guess even though it feels awkward and lowkey uncool I’m glad there are apps for people just looking to find friends#downside is I can forget they’re there bc the notifs don’t work great#or I panic because I’m too hyper aware of myself with new people. why can’t this be easy what’s wrong with me#I get embarrassed by how much longer my replies are than the other person’s#I can’t help it I guess#if it’s short I feel like it’s coming off inauthentic so I overcorrect#but then conversation kinda fizzles anyway. which is okay! not everyone will be a winner and that’s fine#I know this and it makes me feel slightly better#still I just feel like. dumb I guess. in all these interactions.#that’s the word. because I’m perfectly comfortable with myself until I feel like i start to notice That Change in someoneone#anyone else who gets told they give off Uncanny Valley energy knows what this is.#like I can tell I did something wrong but on paper I did everything right#and I just kinda fold every time. bc there’s usually no salvaging a conversation past that point.#it’s Not that it’s easier to be alone bc I’m not having a good time clearly but something drives me to keep going despite it all#idk it’s stupid I wish I could just cut this feeling out and detach completely#I know it wouldn’t bother me to be pushed slowly away at least.#I’d really be the person who solved the lament configuration just to Hang Out lmao#I wish I didn’t make posts like these here btw.#that also makes me feel dumb but it’s like if I don’t at least put this down somewhere it’d be worse#I think tomorrow I’ll clean a bit. it’ll be something to do that has a visible result.#not like anything else that’s going on lol
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Dangit big money friend I know which blog is yours I just can’t find it or remember the url n can’t find you in the DMS I kNOW I’ve talked to you (adhd memory fog promise I got that big respect)—- but I can’t say Paypal names allowed in fear of deadnames. YOU COME GET ART FROM ME POSTHASTE. hell I’ll make physical art and MAIL IT TO YOU. Your generosity knows no bounds and I hope to share the love with the energy it provides me to SURVIVE.
Note to self: I should make an art piece about the Wealth of Having Community.
#me.#(you essentially just replaced my uncle for the month which is. so comforting.#(for me and for him#(letting him know I’m taking care of#(feels like it’s always been a fear of people who take care of me that I can’t— FIND HELP—- i prommy to them I’ll try my hardest#(either by loving a strong community or by making due by little art pieces#(I grew up homeless I struggle to even see ‘trouble’ as trouble sometimes#(I get in the red I do panic#(but not eating not buying anything not doing anything that’s not free—- that’s my childhood#(I can SURVIVE IT#(but bank red scares me cause it’s Persistent and always appears when you’re least able to attend it (ie: no money?? lETS CHARGE YOU MORE!!#(sniff#(Good people get mentioned to my church lady friend#(she’s. nice. but she has the Christian values of ‘if ur good- good things will happen’ ie: YOU NEED TO EAARRNNN GOODNESS#(usually by working hard#(but lookit this. I do work. I don’t kill my self over it tho. and I spend the rest of my energy on people I care about#(if I had money I’d always be giving it away lord knows I did in college oof#(could’ve saved more if I didn’t help all my friends w their problems but#(that’s how the rich get rich. they in it for themselves.#(*I am rich in relations* so hrmPh#(**rambles further** also spoke to my friends about how the suburbs are subpar communities cause u can’t run businesses in em#(no churches no stores no repairs. cause you can kick someone out of a house but not out of their BUSINESS LOCATION.#(but also cause it risks creating a community you can’t control. becomes self sufficient. doesn’t require capitalism selling them shit.#(when they can share trade and gift. ugh. beautiful times.
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Maybe. Perhaps. I may not be going as well as I thought I was/would. Like it’s probably less worse because of some things but it’s still not ideal
#now what can I do#I still can’t find much energy during the day#I need more motivation I need to find goals I need many things#and I also can’t help but want to cry anytime I’m not truly focused in something#sorry I just needed to let some of it out to possibly help see it better#don’t know if it changes anything#but since I won’t be telling anyone around me 🙃 at least it’s out in a way
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#its like every now and again i am brought down by a terrible loneliness and am forced to remind myself i have in fact more or less#been alone in some sense of the word for more than a few years now theres been such incredible lengths of my lived adulthood where ive#been to deal with everything on my plate entirely by myself for the most part. not to say that i have been like Alone ive kept busy and all#but sometimes i have to remind myself its been years and years since ive had what i would call even some kind of community. and its a#necessary pain to reflect that That is probably why routinely i am completely leveled by some loneliness. this goes of course without sayin#a lot of this is circumstance why i would maybe end up so alone but the reality is im often the only one who gets me im often the only ear#can open up to im often the only one there to catch myself slipping the only one there to take care of myself when im hurting or sick or#tired. and its not that i dont ask for help. something something circumstance where i dont get it from other people#hardly a thing worth stopping myself over but the moments where i have to pick myself up by my own bootstraps for the nth time completely i#the dark by myself its hard not to feel small. looked past. even though im really doing quite okay all things considered. still quite#unfortunately alone and equally isolated and drained of any energy to change this or get out and find community (if i had the space and#the time and the money of course dont forget about the money)#and at the deepest reaches of this feeling i can only see cosmically that this is what im supposed to be doing. to some strange effect that#I Am at least on the right path as tucked away small and hidden and invisible as this may make me feel. bc its never a hard contrast to mak#that if i did have the ability to truly embrace and make a change in that regard would i? would i do it right? could i keep it? where would#that take me? and of course the answer is in this state id just fumble it. and be right back here#when do i get to have that fire in my hands unequivocally where i may finally furiously rid myself of this isolation this loneliness either#forever or long enough to make the change from this lack of connection and community i truly have?
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idk if it’s adhd or some other brain thing or what the fuck it is but my mind literally feels like a prison and i do not know what else to do to break out <3
#like i swear to fuck i am losing all hope.#this shit is bad enough without feeling like i need to defend myself every time i step a foot into the hospital!#why won’t my doctors just believe me lol!#is it really so so hard to say ‘ok let’s pretend you’re right for a moment. let’s try this out’#why would you as a professional withdraw a tool from me that is known to help people in my place just because you don’t feel like it#at least give me a valid reason la concha de la lora.#i think if i don’t get derived next time i go to the psych im gonna be like. okay. i stopped clonazepam entirely already.#i halved my antidepressant because it was making me feel like way more shit. i am not anymore on ‘too many drugs’#and am perfectly willing to just drop the ssri in favor of a low dose stimulant#if that doesn’t work then. i just see no point in trying to get treatment within the public healthcare system#it’s just wasting both my mental and physical energy while i just keep getting worse#silver lining is my friend might be able to find me someone who can assess me (his mom is a psychopedagogist and has contacts)#so i’m just. crossing my fingers for that at this point#cause it does feel like the only possible way out
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