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itspileofgoodthings · 10 days ago

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I mean I’m obsessed with crash landing on you because it’s like if a hallmark movie was good and that is fascinating to my brain and healing to my heart.

#I didn’t think such a thing was possible #I’ve been living very much in a world of extremes lately re: Art #like. on the one hand all the great works I teach just taking OVER my brain #and my knowledge of them deepening at a very rapid pace #(sometimes in a too terrifying way so I feel like I’m hurtling down a hill. it’s actually really hard sometimes and I think part of how)#(my anxiety is manifesting itself. like. I just. I don’t feel like I’ve taken a deep breath in a year)#(I’ve just been in. motion.)#and then on the other hand finding new ways to find shows like Bridgerton dead #and Bridgerton helps with that because it is emotionally hollow. because it is fundamentally embarrassing #because Anthony snarling at Kate about how his honor is hanging by a thread isn’t sexy at all #so my mind has kind of just been living in those two extremes and there hasn’t been a lot of room for gentleness or nuance #but cloy is very healing 😭 and it just doesn’t #push the buttons in my brain that immediately need to analyze and #to some extent—destroy! tear apart! with fierce and savage energy.#it just lets my brain and heart exist.#and also there is something so sweet and pure and real about so much of it #I think it’s cause it’s true love 😭 and it’s that simple.#(I’ve also outgrown/moved on from some of the more mediocre things I used to love. Like I just needed something new) but yeah.#it has been very hard in my brain lately even though it’s also been very good #like. teaching is just a lot these days. because it takes sooooooo much effort and work to get the kids going intellectually speaking #and one of the only ways I know how to reach them. or at least the lane I’m really driving in right now #(I know there are more ways)#is simply speaking to them above their heads. with passion and energy and a certain degree of expertise #and it’s WORKING #because it wakes them up and makes them want to engage #but I am also moving so fast and so vulnerably for all of my certainty. that it’s just hard.#I need to relax but I can’t. I feel like the devil is behind me every second #this is dramatic. and as Lewis said in surprised by joy it’s only one layer of what’s happening #but it is what happening #a lot of things are unfolding/growing and also the anxiety is terrible

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