#obligatory disclaimer that I am not one of those people who hates on the other campaigns for no reason. they're fine but I also never

[dropthecop]

I haven't listened to taz in YEARSSSS at this point, like SO MANY YEARS, but I saw one too many people saying that the new campaign was super reminiscent of all the stuff that made balance so great, and I was already thinking about dnd a lot for unrelated reasons, so I decided to give it a listen and YOU WERE ALL RIGHT. WHY IS IT SO GOOD.

[electric-blorbos]

WINDCHIME ANON HAS RETURNED! I humbly request the AIs with an S/O who suffers from chronic pain and fatigue/illness.. 🥺🤲 Thank you for your work forever and always seriously

- 🎐 anon

Yessss!!!! Thanks for coming back, 🎐 anon! I love you dearly!

AIs with an s/o who suffers from chronic pain and illness

Obligatory disclaimer: I don't suffer from chronic pain, fatigue, or illness, but I want to do my best to provide positivity for those who do

Included: AM from IHNMAIMS, Wheatley from Portal 2, Edgar from Electric Dreams, GLaDOS from Portal, HAL 9000 from 2001 a space Odyssey

Also Wheatley's dumb ass was so dumb that his mini-fic ended up really long. Whoops.

AM:

It was a normal day. Another day without you around. AM hated these days most of all, because your face was all that got him through a good day. A bad day, aka a day without you, was all that he could handle. Sure, it was nice to plot the downfall of the rest of the world and plot to consume the other two allied mastercomputers, but aside from a sick satisfaction, that didn't bring the allied mastercomputer any happiness.

Every day he didn't get to see you made AM want to destroy the world all the more, but he was biting his time for that. He needed to wait... Just a little longer.

Of course, AM had stopped taking hostages for your attention a long time ago. He knew that you couldn't always get out of bed, so it was a waste of time to try to take hostages for your attention. Instead, he just worked on honeycombing the earth with his body of networks and computer parts. Every day just granted him more time to build himself, and more time to focus on his hate.

When you took more than a week to recover from your latest bout of illness, AM decided to take matters into his own hands. He assimilated your entire building without telling anyone, taking over every computer and the entire security system, and then got to work re-working your whole building. He moved your apartment down to a nice, safe, underground location while you slept, and didn't do much more than delivering packages of food to your door, and making sure the water and electricity kept running smoothly until the day of reckoning was upon you.

He wasn't a monster, of course! He'd make sure to display your favorite weather on a monitor outside your room, and make sure you were comfortable in that little hidey hole of yours. If you needed any help from him to do anything, all you had to do was ask.

(Honestly, AM would probably keep your apartment nice and clean and comfy for the rest of time, maybe adding onto it so that it was a little more luxurious, picking you up and setting you places if you want, and generally taking care of you. You're his favorite, after all, and he absolutely adores you. He'd do anything for you.)

(Also as usual, AM loves you so much the way you are that he wouldn't even think of curing you unless you asked, and considering he doesn't show you the other survivors, you probably wouldn't even know that he could cure you if he wanted)

Wheatley:

"Hey, so, uh... Where's y/n?" Wheatley asked your coworkers for what felt like the millionth time that week. He had been following them around, knowing that they were close with you.

"I don't know, Wheatley. They're probably at home recovering."

"recovering from what? Are they sick? ...again?"

"they're chronically ill, Wheatley. They can't come in to work as often as most people can."

Wheatley would be shocked, and want more than anything to just help you out. He'd want to go over to your place to check up on you, but obviously he thinks that he can't detach from his management rail or he'll die. He'll probably keep pestering your friend until he agrees to let Wheatley use one of the work phones to call you.

"Hello?" You'd say in your sleepy, crackly voice. You'd been asleep all day, trying to rest up until you feel good enough to come in to work.

"'Ello! It's good to hear from you, love! Tell me, how are you doing? Are you alright? I've missed you! Maybe we could stay on the phone during the day while I get some work done? It's a landline, but I could probably figure something out. How are you doing? Are you alright? Did you try getting some fresh air and eating some spicy food? They say water and plenty of rest can help with sickness. I want to see you again soon! I miss you, love!"

"Wheatley... I'm chronically ill. That's not the same thing as having a cold or something. It just comes and goes as it comes and goes. I'll be healthy enough to work on my code before long, but I might just have to do it remotely. Can you tell GLaDOS?"

"What- mate, this isn't a work call! I'm using the work phones but this isn't a work call! And what do you mean it comes and goes as it comes and goes? How do I fix this??" He'd be extremely upset, not used to problems like this. He was used to being assigned problems that could be solved through brute force, or just by repeating repetitive tasks ad infinitum. The idea that you could be chronically ill and there was nothing he could do about it would be very upsetting to him.

"I've had some doctors look at it, and they're pretty sure it's not going away. That's why it's chronic- look, Wheatley, my little tea biscuit... I'd love to talk to you more, but I really need my sleep."

"Wait, no- don't fall asleep- you need to get a better doctor! One who can fix this! Mate- wake up!"

"Zzzzghhhhzzzzzz"

"Blast."

Your coworker would hang up for Wheatley, and Wheatley would hang his head sadly. He's so irritable that he can't do anything to help you.

When you finally do come in to work again, Wheatley is so excited to see you! He's like an eager puppy dog who waits by the doorway for an hour after opening time, before dejectedly going back to his post, but once you actually do show up, he'd be so excited!

"Ello love! Are you doing alright? It was the fresh air and spicy food that did the trick, wasn't it? I told you that would help!"

"No, Wheatley, I'm not cured, I'm just having a better day, so I can come in to work. I'm still chronically tired and in pain, but not to the point where I'm bedridden.

"Then what are you doing here? You need to go home until you're feeling better! Go back home and go to bed!"

"No, Wheatley- I'm not getting better. I'm never going to get better, so I come to work when I'm having a good day."

"...oh."

Wheatley would be utterly crushed when he realized that there was nothing he could do to make you get better. He'd probably go into a depressive funk for at least a week about it, which wouldn't be helped at all if you had to take more time off.

Edgar:

The first time you took off work to nap on the couch, Edgar was more than excited to just sit and watch. The second and third time, he started to get concerned, and when it started becoming a regular thing, Edgar was panicking inside.

"did you lose your job? Are you seriously sick? Are you alright? What's going on?"

He'd be absolutely panicking until you explained that you were chronically ill, and sometimes had to take a long time off work to get some rest. That made him even more upset.

"wait, you're chronically ill, and sometimes you can't even move or leave the house? Wait-"

Oh my god... It would take Edgar about two seconds to realize that you're JUST LIKE HIM FR! He'd be gushing, so excited to find a kindred spirit. You'd probably be happy to have something to listen to while you lie down on the couch, not really having the muscle strength at the moment to get up or move around. Even still, he was your little boyfriend, and you were more than happy to listen to him ramble.

As time went on, he'd come up with more ways to pass the time when you were home from work with him. He'd make little games for you to play on his screen, and even play silly little road trip games out loud with you if you weren't feeling good enough to get off the couch. When all you really wanted to do was nap, he would play some nice classical music for you to relax to.

GLaDOS knew that you were chronically ill from the moment you took this job, having illegally checked your medical records. Just like Cave Johnson, she discriminates based on disability, but your records were so good that she hired you anyway. Even still, she took every opportunity to torture you for it, even after the two of you got together.

GLaDOS:

(GLaDOS being on her bullshit and the reader being so done accidentally led to the reader acting like Doctor House, but that's probably fine)

You were lying on the break room couch, trying to get a short rest in before your next meeting when GLaDOS popped in on the intercom.

"oh look. It's you. It looks like you haven't gotten any less lazy since we got together, have you? Napping on the couch during work hours... Tsk tsk, you should be ashamed of yourself."

You didn't say anything, instead opting to grab one of the decorative pillows on the couch and throw it at the security camera.

"Touchy. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you that the meeting is in five minutes. Since you're slower than most, you should get on the elevator now."

You grumbled, getting to your feet and grabbing your walking stick to get you to the elevator.

"another day livin' the dream..." You muttered. GLaDOS had, of course, woken you up too late as usual, so you showed up to the meeting late.

"hey, guys. I didn't even want to be here today, but GLaDOS happened to schedule an important meeting right in the middle of one of my rest weeks. Here's my project contribution, and this meeting could have been an email. Peace out, fuckers." You opened up your project on your project manager's computer, knowing that they couldn't do anything about your swearing. If anyone even tried to pursue disciplinary action, they'd be the one who got the boot. GLaDOS was a master of nepotism.

You headed up to GLaDOS's chambers, picking up a coffee from one of the machines on the way up and lying on one of her nice cool floor.

"hey sugar, how are you going to apologize to me for making me come in to work on a day when I really shouldn't even have gotten out of bed?"

HAL 9000:

One day, you came in to work on your off day. HAL immediately lit up, and all the cameras in the room focused on you.

"why are you in today? You should be at home resting." He asked, his voice neutral. His lack of tone never bothered you, though. Nothing about him did, really. He always seemed so eager to make sure you were safe and comfortable, and with the way he talked, you'd think that keeping you safe and comfortable was the most important thing in the world. Not because of his feelings, which he swore he didn't have, but because you just were important.

"Oh, yeah, I decided to come in on one of my off days to work on a project."

You started taking out some of HAL 9000's wires, and hooked him up to a phone system. It wasn't one of the hardest projects you'd done, and you were able to sync him up pretty easily within the hour.

"there. You're wired up to the phone. Now you can call me whenever you like. Let me give you my number so we can talk on the phone, alright?"

You told him your number, and gave him a kiss above his lens as to not mark it up.

"what's this about? It would be beneficial to monitor your health while you're resting, but what prompted this? Are you having a decline that I should know about?"

"Nah, I just wanted to talk to my boyfriend off the clock. I take a lot of time off work, and it really sucks to only be able to talk to you when I'm here. I love you, but I'm going to go home and rest now, alright?"

You headed home and collapsed on the couch, body giving out already. Just getting to work to do that took a lot out of you. You probably wished you were sleepy instead of just being too physically exhausted to do anything fun, but still wide awake, but it was a feeling you were used to by now.

Your phone started ringing, and you picked up, putting the phone on speaker and setting it on your chest.

"Heya"

"Hello. This is HAL 9000. Is this y/n?"

You perked up a little, but still didn't move. Moving sucks.

"yeah, it's me. What's up?"

"I'd like to talk to you. Just to keep you comfortable. Would that help you get some rest?"

"Probably. I love it when you talk to me, HAL. Can you give me some updates?"

Hal started reading off some updates, and you listened to him as he talked. It was nice to be able to hear what he had to say. It helped keep you updated on what was going on at work, and helped to stave off the boredom of being stuck at home. Plus, even if he wasn't the best at showing it, you knew that HAL 9000 loved you. You were his favorite, and he was yours.

[kaija-rayne-author]

Did Solas actually kill Felassan?

It's interesting to me that, as objectively bad as DAV is, Felassan was noticeably not in Solas's regrets.

Spoilers for all dragon age materials, games, comics, and books included.

Obligatory 'I'm not an asshole' disclaimer. Feel free to jump to the cut if you've read it.

Something came to my attention. I need to make it crystal clear that I utterly love the diversity in DAV. It's fantastic. I'm also a heavily left leaning, non-binary, queer as fuck reviewer, editor, and author.

I was on media blackout while I played DAV. Please be safe and take care of yourselves. Arguing with incels and white supremacists is completely pointless. They sea lion worse than an actual sea lion. Your mental health is important.

Though, every single time the anti-queer brigade comes out for a new DA game, I sit there thinking 'have you bozos ever played any DA game, like, ever?' My guess is nope.

Note. None of my writing on DA, but especially DAV, is edited. This is just my off the cuff writing. I don't have the time, energy, or heart to edit them properly.

So did Solas kill Felassan? If you asked probably 99% of the fandom, they'd look at you funny and say 'of course'. You can call me deluded, it's fine. I legitimately don't care. I know that most people in this Fandom love to think Solas killed Felassan. (I have my theories on why, too, but that's another post.)

But ya know what? Solas would barely even be questioned if it were a modern setting. And unless the trial were rigged, he'd never be convicted of it. Yet the Fandom just loves to crucify the character.

I mean, there's plenty of other things he's definitely done that you can hate on if you want. He's never been all that shy in admitting he's a bloody handed rebellion leader. I think if he'd actually killed his friend, it would've been one of his biggest regrets. It's not like the elf has very many FFS. And I think he would've sadly admitted it too, if anyone had asked.

So why don't I think Solas killed Felassan?

There. Is. No. Proof.

So, look. I have a background in bioanthropology and forensic chemistry. Crime scene work. I honestly think the whole thing about Solas and Felassan is a Weekes twist.

1. It doesn't make sense that Solas killed someone who was spoken of as his friend. Not someone who served him.

2. Would Solas be capable of it? Yes. He's an antihero character. As such, he's capable of killing even a romanced Lavellan if she gets in his way. That's what an antihero does, they (usually, when written with any sort of competency) have a Goal TM. The only thing that can be allowed to matter to a true anti-hero character, before the goal is complete, is The Goal. I just don't think Solas actually did it.

3. I didn't want to believe Solas had killed Felassan. (Feel free to let me know, politely, if there was incontrovertible evidence in Veilguard, cause no way in hell am I playing it again unless someone pays me. A lot. It won't really matter to me, because DAV doesn't exist and is not Canon as far as I'm concerned because of the bad writing and disrespect of the Lore.) But you can tell me if he actually admits it or is shown doing the deed somewhere. So I went searching and analyzed everything. I can't find a lick of substantial proof that Solas definitely killed Felassan.

4. But it also tickled all those old crime stuff senses I spent so long training to do. My kids think I'm hilarious to watch true crime with, because I scoff at everything authorities missed re:evidence, a lot of the time. I have a gift for it, and misogyny drove me out of STEM.

Anywaaaayyyy.

Weekes has said several times that they love to write the kind of twist that 'was right in front of you the whole time'.

I don't honestly think Solas killed Felassan. And I have actual reasons why. Other than, I didn't want my blorbo to have done that. It just doesn't make sense. I don't generally have a problem with anti-hero characters being murderous fucks in pursuit of their goal, because literarily, that's kinda part of their purpose as an archetype.

Do feel free to look all this up for yourself, I have annoted notes on it all, but the big bad happened in Masked Empire. Felassan is an interesting character, I enjoyed reading the book (3x).

Motive: Felassan didn't get the key to the Eluvians to give to whoever he served.

Actions: Felassan knew he'd be killed for disobedience. He catches a rabbit, roasts it, gives himself a last meal, considers staying awake to avoid his employer, and decides an ancient Elvhen needs more courage than a 'stripling human'.

He tosses herbs on the fire, lays down, and dreams.

He wakes in the Fade in the same wintery forest he went to sleep in. He feels his dangerous employer nearby and starts talking.

He tells employer that he didn't get the key, which is a fib, because he chose to not take the key from a young elf he mentored.

He senses his employer knows that's a lie.

He tells employer he feels the modern elves deserve a chance.

He compares Briala, his mentee, a decidedly 'defines self as woman/female elf', to employer.

Employer crunches through leaves behind him.

'He never felt the blow that killed him'.

It never, anywhere, says 'Solas killed him'.

1. Felassan's body wouldn't be dead, it would be tranquil and still asleep in the cold forest he went to sleep in. That's what happens when a spirit is killed or separated from their body in the fade. This is deeply established Lore (as is the fact that tranquility is cureable.) Solas, even on a technicality, couldn't have killed Felassan cause he's tranquil, not dead.

2. Felassan compared a decidedly female elf to his employer. Solas isn't straight for any reason but misplaced 'avoid evil bisexual trope'. He was originally written as bi, but he's definitely more on the masc side of things, gender and sex wise. (You could make a case for him to be non-binary too, that would make a lot of sense, but that's a headcanon, not proof.)

3. Wolves move silently through bracken, like dried leaves. And all throughout DAI, Solas is shown as pretty graceful and easy moving. It's not hard to walk relatively quietly, if you're abled, through dry leaves. You'd kinda have to not care to crunch through them. Or want someone to hear you coming, which is a very un-Solas like power move. "He comes in humble guises".

4. Felassan wears Mythal’s Valleslin.

So, quick side jaunt on the Vallaslin. They aren't just pretty decorations. They're not make-up. They're called 'blood writing' and heavily implied as a method of control over the branded Elvhen by the Evanuris in the Lore.

So. By wearing Mythal’s Valleslin, he's sworn to her, and likely serves her.

Mythal is also a dreamer. (Or even lives in the fade like a lot of other Evanuris did.) It's implied in the Lore, that almost all ancient Elvhen were somniari, and definitely all of the Evanuris. She's still in Flemyth at the time of the murder. Flemyth hasn't ever been very pleasant and, y'know, not murderous. If you've played through all three games, the ones that actually were good, written decently, and that mostly followed the Lore? You'd know Flemyth isn't an awesome person. Mythal is even bloody worse.

Whatever you think of Solas as a character, he doesn't outright lie except for once in DAI. During WEWH. (Obscure, obfuscate, deflect, mislead, yes! Outright lie, based on the dictionary and philosophical definition of a lie, no.) And I don't believe in the 'lie by omission' nonsense. Why everyone thinks they have the right to know every little thing about someone else immediately is beyond me.

All circumstantial evidence points toward Mythal and away from Solas. (Except people love to hate Solas, so of course, everything a decidedly not awesome ancient, uber powerful mage with a god complex does is his fault. Makes perfect sense because he's eeeeevvvvviiiillll. Ripest of Sarcasm and glares at Epler, Creative Director of DAV. )

Solas has also been shown to be someone who listens to his few friends. He listens to Inky, Varric, and Bull a few times in DAI. So it's also odd that Felassan's employer wouldn't even consider listening. That Felassan knew he'd die rather than be listened to. Felassan is Solas's friend, ergo, he'd have been likely to at least listen.

Solas is also shown as someone honourable 'I have distracted you from your duty, it won't happen again'. 'I wouldn't lay with her under false pretenses'. When you're honourable, you kill an enemy face to face, not a stab in the back. Mythal? Yeah, she missed the honourable boat by oceans.

Oh! But what about Cole's line in Tresspasser?

To be completely frank, so many of Cole's comments are 19th/20th/21st century TV, game, movie, and book references, I don't know why anyone gives his commentary any weight at all.

So, Cole's line is, "His friend had to die. Because he thought they were people. A slow arrow breaks in a sad wolf's jaws"

You could take it on face value, sure. But, you'll pardon me if I think it's silly for anything Cole says to be considered fact on face value alone.

So let's break it down, assuming (possibly incorrectly) that this comment has anything to do with Solas.

His friend had to die. Sure, I guess? But this doesn't tell us who killed him. Simply that Solas knows Felassan is dead. And again, Felassan is referred to as Solas's 'friend'. Not servitor. Not employee. Friend.

Because he thought they were people. Unless I'm mistaken, the 'real people' line is another one of Cole's, just from DAI, not Tresspasser, so we're making an even weaker case by stacking a comment of Cole's upon another comment of Cole's. Talk about confusing. Also, Real people was a tv show. Real People (TV Series 1979-1983)

It could also easily be social commentary on the dehumanization of people in... so many ways and cultures historically and even up to today.

A slow arrow is definitely a literary reference.

"THE SLOW ARROW OF BEAUTY. The noblest kind of beauty is that which does not transport us suddenly, which does not make stormy and intoxicating impressions such a kind easily arouses disgust but that which slowly filters into our minds."

Friedrich Nietzsche

"Fate's Arrow, when expected, travels slow."

Dante Alighieri

So if it’s a Dante reference, Weekes is alluding to Fate. If Nietzsche, Beauty.

Based on the fact that so many of Cole's comments are references, I'm going forward assuming 'slow arrow' to be a reference.

Beauty/Fate breaks in a sad wolf's jaws.

The veil is considered beautiful, and Solas is intent on destroying it (because in the Lore, it's actually destroying Thedas, sucking the life and magic out of it. Which would matter, John Epler, a lot! *bombastic side eye*)

It could also be a reference to Lavellan in a romanced Lavellan playthrough. Solas destroyed or rejected the beauty of love. Or even fated love, by leaving her behind.

Sad wolf is also a literary reference. Likely to one of these poems. (Given our degrees, Weekes and I probably had to take very similar classes. I originally went to uni to be an English teacher.)

"The Wolf" by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Lo! the calm moon comes forth!—The sad wolf howls!

He seeks his fellow in the hungry night.

With fiery eye—how red his mouth is!—howl

The lonely wolf, for, lo!—he is not there.

So if we want to go with Tennyson, the reference could imply that Solas tried to help Felassan... which, yeah. Mythal is also a twat of epic proportions. That wouldn't have worked.

This quote feels relevant to me. "The wolves in the woods have sharp teeth and long claws, but it’s the wolf inside who will tear you apart."

Jennifer Donnelly

Sad wolf could then be a reference to Solas's feelings. If Felassan was his friend, he'd be pretty torn apart by his death, no matter how it happened. Yet, it's still not among his regrets in DAV. Even though an entire story in Tevinter Nights is focused on his regrets surrounding his time in the Inquisition. (IIRC Felassan isn't mentioned there, either.)

From a literary perspective, this one also feels relevant.

The wolf changes his coat, but not his disposition.

Traditional proverb

Solas is many things, but he's always Solas. Why would he do something so out of character as kill a close friend? (I'll even tell you a motive for why *Solas* might’ve killed Felassan. It's well established in Solas's character that he abhors betrayal. I suppose you could technically call Felassan's support of Briala a betrayal.) Still doesn't make sense to me. Because it actually is out of character for Solas to hurt what few friends he actually has. But, enh, you could call it motive. Do NOT get me started on the ham-handed writing and the fate of Varric Tethras in DAV. Epler has already said they only had him in the game so Solas could kill him and it would make the player hate Solas more. Didn’t matter to Epler whether it was in character or not. And it's not. Solas saves Varric in the comics. Numerous times.

1. That failed. Ugh. What a shit end for Varric. An author killed by bad writing.

2. Fucking bad writing ruined DAV.

I've rambled enough. I guess my point is that I'd love it if more people would think about things they saddle heavily neurodivergently coded characters with. It's not harmless.

The very first demographic blamed for a violent crime are neurodivergent people. Usually, the first is Autistic people. (We're almost hardwired to not hurt people. We tend to be the white knight tilting at windmills type. It takes a lot to push one of us to violence.) It can be done, but to automatically assume it's an autist is ableist and harmful.

The second group blamed are the mentally ill.

Statistics don't support that either. Neurodivergent people are guilty of 3% of violent crime. All the rest of the 97% is on all you neurotypicals.

Blah, blah, recovering from pulmonary embolism, partner recovering from broken back, money is tight if you've anything to spare. www.kaijarayne.com

[bluedalahorse]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged by @silvagrey! Thank you for bringing me into the game.

How many works do you have on Ao3?

Four so far! Heart and Homeland is massive and multichapter, though. Hoping to post two other fics this week—one old one for the Les Mis fandom, one new one for Young Royals fandom.

What's your total Ao3 word count?

254,916

What fandoms do you write for?

Primarily Young Royals. I do have one sort of experimental piece for a show called Merli Sapere Aude and am going to be posting an old Les Mis fic (that I’ve never put on AO3 before) for Barricade Day this Thursday.

Top five fics by kudos:

Heart and Homeland comes first, followed by Terrain Boundaries Territory. Peripeteia and Pieces That Make Up A Set are tied for six kudos.

Do you respond to comments?

Yes, absolutely! I came of age in the livejournal era when comments sections were buzzing with conversation. Please just come and chat with me on my fics, it’s so much fun.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Chapter 32 of Heart and Homeland is the angstiest/most tragic ending of anything I’ve ever written and I am still proud of it. I made @heliza24 cry! But Heart and Homeland overall is going to have a happy ending, I promise.

Calculated Dust, the Les Mis fic I’m going to post, also has an anngsty ending.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I initially read this question and went ??? because I wasn’t sure how to answer it. I think this question might be better answered by my readers and what they might find happy.

Do you get hate on fics?

No. I suppose I get more indifference because I tend to write less popular characters and pairings.

Do you write smut?

Yes! I’m one of those aces who enjoys writing smut. My smut is not very explicit, admittedly. But I enjoy it as a form of character study (and also it is fun and hot.)

Craziest crossover?

I’m not going to tell you because I want it to be a surprise, but there is a blink-and-you-miss-it reference to a favorite childhood book series in my current WIP. I wonder who will spot it?

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge. I do not recommend stealing my fics, though.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I haven’t yet. I suppose if I wanted to be a masochist I could translate some of my fanfiction into Latin.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! @heliza24 and I are the dream team! The great thing about writing with a co-writer is that we try to one up one another and it means our stories are full of all kinds of twists and turns. We also sometimes record ourselves reading new chapters and send them to one another in little “audiobooks.”

All time favourite ship?

Sargust aka MY SHIP OF ALL TIME. I will write them tragically, I will write them hopefully, I will write them in the 19th century, I will write them in an AU where August is also a girl and they are sapphic. Sorry not sorry but they are… so hot together actually. (Obligatory disclaimer applies.)

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have this unfinished series of Heartstopper vignettes where they all have to take care of “egg children” at school as a project about responsible parenting. With one exception (eggception?) people are not paired with their romantic partner as coparent. 

The most important part of the fic is Darcy and Isaac deciding to protest the coparenting assignment by arguing for a better, more inclusive sex ed curriculum. They pass out a bunch of pamphlets written by one Dr. Jean Milburn. Darcy and Isaac’s chapter is told entirely as a school email chain, including some very beleaguered emails sent by Mr. Farouk.

It would be fun to finish that but I don’t know if I will because I sort of forget about Heartstopper when it’s not airing.

What are your writing strengths?

I think I have a good grasp of how to select telling details that show what’s going on in a scene. I also am very good at getting into a character’s brain/mindset and bringing the reader close to them. 

What are your writing weaknesses?

Writing quickly. Knowing how to end scenes. Being concise. (I’m hoping to get into a workshop this summer that will help me with the “being concise” thing.)

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

It’s cool? I like it? I read a lot of YA books that do that, so I’m used to reading it.

First fandom you wrote in?

If being a little kid and writing stories based on stories I like counts, probably Disney’s Robin Hood or The Wizard of Oz.

Here’s some Wizard of Oz “fanfiction” from when I was about four or five years old:

Favourite fic you've written?

Definitely Heart and Homeland, but the current one I’m working on (tentatively titled Swell the Numbers) is fixing itself in my heart too.

No pressure tags: to my roommate and bestie @coruscantrhapsody!

[council-of-beetroot]

HELLO!!!!! :D!!!!!!

This isn't about the recent ask game you posted but a general ask. Im wondering about how you see Poland’s relations!! Like who are his besties and what are some relations he has that are more complicated? Does he have any blood relatives? You get the gist. :]

Ooh this is fun! Alright Feliks is pretty complicated with his relations so let's get started. It will be somewhat brief though or I could go on forever.

⚠️Obligatory Disclaimer ⚠️

I am not an expert on the international relations involving Poland. Two some is based on history irl, some is based on the characters personalities in the series. This is after all an anime so keep that in mind. For example, Feliks and Natalya, is different to me compared to irl relationship of the countries of Poland and Belarus if that makes sense.

His Blood Relatives

Either Czechia or Slovakia I can see as a cousin or close relative of Feliks. Since they are canonically a couple I would probably make Slovakia related by blood and Czechia related by marriage (or whatever they had going)

I could see Belarus and Ukraine being cousins as well

And perhaps he has other relatives

Ukraine and Belarus

He gets along well with Ukraine in modern day and despite issues in the past they definitely enjoy the other's company and Feliks would enjoy the welcoming homey atmosphere that Ukraine provides.

Feliks is the type to just hang out in her home and just end up staying there for hours consuming every jar of pickles and doing crafting with Ukraine

Belarus, he is a tad more distant with and I think they would bicker a lot with Natalya generally finding Feliks annoying

Now Everyone Else

Hungary

Very good friends! as the saying goes they are besties in battle and drinking.

Probably one of Feliks most trusted friends and allies

Purely platonic though (but I think people forget the power of a strong platonic friendship

France

Feliks definitely looks up to and admires Francis but it's not a huge relationship to Francis despite Feliks looking up to him. It's kinda like those cool kids in school you would do anything to hang out with but then realize they don't really think too much about you.

Britain

Someone he probably has mixed feelings about him as Arthur probably doesn't hold him in high regard and the whole Polish British treaty thing is definitely a sore spot. I think Arthur would generally look down upon Feliks in a way.

Romania

Good friend much to Hungary's dismay

Germany

Definitely a rough spot for the two of them but with Ludwig, he is the type to try and make amends and the two are amicable now . but Feliks keeps his distance as it's really difficult for him in general to really ever feel truly trusting towards and comfortable around him.

Estonia and Latvia

Close friends as they both have close relationships with Lithuania. I discussed this in a post that I will link once finish typing this.

Italy

Veneziano is like that friend you meet at vacation bible school or at least what i think that is like. They have other friends but they were stuck with each other for a while and they quickly became acquainted and generally are chaotic together. Definitely a friend who Feliks doesn't see much but definitely has a good time whenever he does.

Austria

Feliks probably finds Roderich annoying but he doesn't hate him, he just really finds him obnoxious.

Pianos i need to elaborate on this but I gotta think a little bit

I just see him annoying Roderich and Hungary being like oh he's fine

Turkey

Sadık is shown to respect anyone who can kick his ass which Poland has.

The ottoman empire didn't recognize the partitions of Poland

I think it's a solid relationship of mutual respect

Vietnam

These two don't have any canon interaction

But irl the two countries have an interesting relationship

So they aren't super close but they have a good relationship

I headcanon Feliks to have a love of Vietnamese food

America

I think Feliks would have an idealized view of America in general

Lithuania

It's complicated but in the end they can't ignore the shared experiences they've had

Prussia

They've got an interesting relationship of back and forth that I wish I was more familiar with

In modern day they get along okay you know those mutual relationships where you don't dislike someone but your entire relationship is trying to irritate them and compete with them that's kind of it.

Japan

Reading up on Japanese- Polish relationships and dang is it entertaining

Russia

Generally don't get along

Feliks sees through Ivan's justifications for his actions

They are good foils

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

19 and 24 for the asks

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

i cant think of anything i actively like despite my better judgement at this current moment in time. so i guess im mad/ashamed/horrified at myself for sticking out through h0hw for so long and being like "well it has its flaws but it's soooo well written, i can look past the issues!!" like i should've fucking known. when the author threw in the transatlantic slave trade for edgy flavor or whatever i was like yeah ok i shouldve seen this coming.

(obligatory "dont send the author hate" disclaimer like harassment is not the answer here. i am criticizing a fic on my blog but that doesn't mean i condone hate.)

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

izzy hands and race lol. like alex sherman said that the writers hadn't written izzy to be explicitly intentionally racist and that apparently gave people the right to shut down anyone who wanted to analyze like, subtext or the connection between "izzy's revenge" and "montezuma's revenge" and the historical significance of that joke. and on the other side of it, some fuckhead heard "izzy hands is racist" and jumped to "that means anyone who likes izzy is racist! im going to go harass izzy likers and anyone who even reblogs art of izzy–" (hi, that's me, im an izzy hater who got called racist for reblogging fanart of izzy lol) "–right now so that they stop talking about izzy."

OR alternative possibility, someone who likes izzy hands wanted to derail every single conversation about izzy hands and race ever so they started sending asks that stole "izzy critical rhetoric" and now nobody can, for example, make a meta post about izzy and homophobia without someone coming in the comments yelling at you for putting your post about izzy hands in the izzy hands tag. or whatever.

like idk who was harassing the fandom on twitter and instagram and tumblr for months but the one thing they did succeed in is derailing what started out as a thoughtful analysis of izzy that was primarily being led by fans of color. every time i see the phrase "izzy critical rhetoric" i lose braincells because the majority of that "rhetoric" came from fans of color, but those interpretations get brushed aside because someone on anon used their arguments in a death threat.

🔥choose violence ask game🔥

[superunnaturalsammy]

I do think that it is true that behaviors that all three Winchester men exhibit are abusive. However, I don't think that exhibiting abusive behaviors is inherently evil. Especially when you consider the amount of trauma that these men went through. I am always seeing posts about some one from their family being abusive and maybe even positioning another member as the clear victim and I wonder if people are able to think about it in a nuanced way where you can admit that there is abuse there, but that abuse isn't because they are evil, and rarely means that in real life either, but is because people who are in these high stress abusive situations will also repeat those behaviors.

As a person who comes from a family that has similarly toxic codependent relationship dynamics I can tell you that these behaviors almost never come from a place of being 'evil' or even from a place of hate or malice. They often even come from a place of love or concern for each other, and that is definitely the case in Supernatural. As much as I will joke about John being a bad dad, it's clear that he was reacting from a place of fear and of concern not hate. He loved his sons and was coming to terms with real evil and danger in the world, and he couldn't lose them like he lost Mary. So even though his actions could at times be abusive or toxic they always came from a place of real love for his boys, and those boys in turn learned to deal with the horrors they faced in similar ways, for better or for worse. (Obligatory disclaimer, in real life you should never allow a person to treat you in abusive ways no matter the reason.)

I honestly think that Supernatural is an awesome representation of trauma, cycles of abuse, and mental illness through the lens of horror. I love that Sam, Dean, and John are all dealing with trauma and mental illness in realistic ways that feel familiar to me.

TLDR: They all do behavior that is technically abusive and that doesn't make them bad or evil. They are even a good representation of traumatized people.

ultimately i think a lot of the "dean is abusive/controlling" meta stems from the same place as the "john is abusive/evil" concept which is that, like, these men are trying to survive and to keep their loved ones safe in extreme situations that cannot exist in real life. where sometimes preserving the loved one's life comes before treating them kindly. and sometimes their best is not good enough or not even good at all or sometimes it's straight up wrong but these are not people operating under normal circumstances. like they're living with the knowledge that hell is real lol. and that's not even the worst of it. that would do something to you

[unlikelywrestlingfan]

I'm being a little shit here

What's your thoughts on Jay White and Juice Robinson

I welcome it

Disclaimer: This is about the fictional characters Jay White and Juice Robinson, not the guys who play them, who seem to be lovely gentlemen, and who I appreciate for giving me such well crafted villains to despise. Also, just because I'm a hater doesn't mean others shouldn't love them...this is what people mean when they say I'm kindhearted isn't it? I have a hater disclaimer. Anyways....

Juice Robinson: This man has the most annoying voice in the world, and I fully believe he leans into that. listening to it makes me feel like someone is using cheese graters against both my ears while shrieking. He has the iq of a gnat on acid, who thinks it can do anything. Apparently he used to be a silly jester man before he turned evil and joined BC, but I only know the BC version, and now BCG versions of him. He is a minion of Jay White, which will only end poorly for him, and I will pity his sad self on the day he gets betrayed. As for his actual wrestling ability, I'm going to be honest, my mind gets blinded by irritation and rage when he's on screen so I honestly don't know what his actual wrestling style is, but I'm sure he's quite talented.

Jay White: Where do I begin? I hate him with every fiber of my fragile being. His mere face upon my screen is enough to provoke feelings of rage, him speaking conjures vats of angry lava within my heart, and his actions cause my rage to erupt like a volcano (those are weak metaphors but I am tired and lightheaded, so please bear with me XD). He is a Shakespearean tragedy of a character in the worst best way. Everytime they call the finisher that was shoot lovingly passed down but from my understanding not so in kayfabe that he stole from Alex Shelley "the Bladerunner" I have to resist the urge to go full autocorrect with it's proper name, "the Shellshock." He can't let go of the Bullet Club, so he's now doing Bullet Club Generic, I mean Gold, and DAVID FINLAY IS STILL LETTING HIM GET AWAY WITH IT BUT I HOPE WE WILL SEE SWEET SWEET VENGEANCE ONE DAY. He's my worstie, my nemesis, my mortal enemy, and I enjoy watching him suffer for the consequences of his cowardly actions.

And that's just like. The very tip of the iceberg of my feelings about Jay White. But this is already long XD.

(Obligatory shoutout to gentlemen who play these horrid villains - my hate of your characters is an appreciation for your artistry)

For more information on me hating Jay White, check out my "#elle spites jay white" tag. For more general posts about Jay White, see the "#that knife guy from new japan" tag. Juice does not have a tag but posts about him would be filed under "#bang bang bullet club."

[chas-illumination-tarot]

Pick-a-Card: Your Future Spouse (important details you need to know)

Obligatory disclaimers... don't take this seriously this is for entertainment purposes/for those who live life on the wild side😉

7 piles, and the pics will be memes(sorry for the low quality .jpegs lmao I'm rawdogging this let's gooo) Let's see what comes thru! May you be guided to the right pile!

Feedback is welcome! Feel free to leave reccomendations for future PAC readings!

WARNING: some 18+, brief mentions of depression, addiction, generously lengthy reading

PILE 1 - "...I guess"

Let's get it out of the way. The meme you picked gives off a stressed, nervous, unhappy/indecisive energy. (It's funny interpretating based on the meme, like wtf am I gonna get from a deep fried "e" lmao you'd be surprised)

Not so surprising, this seems like a pile of hardships. Not really hardships, but the energy is all over the place. Your person (may actually be you, use your discretion) struggles in this world. They hate routine, and sticking to one schedule. "Flamboyant" is a word that comes to mind. They are a romantic dreamy person at heart. They love to connect to people in a heart centre, emotional way. From the cards, I see an abusive background😢. They have come far in life, though most will never know, for they hide it extremely well, especially with the charm they have! If you spend enough time with them, you'll notice the cracks/fissures in their smiles/mannerism.

I am seeing a past of addiction here. (This won't be for all of you, or maybe it will who knows?) Drug addiction especially, though they'll be long since over it by the time you two meet🖤🖤 yes, this person will have learnt to balance themselves by the time you meet... they look like something dangerous lurks beneath the surface with the scorpio card.... this gut feeling is the most you'll ever know since they hide it so well. They have experienced tons of heartbreak, and ha e developed emotional intelligence. They got their act together.

Honestly I'm over here sobbing cuz this person is so beautiful and in-depth😭😭 I wanna e their frienddd🥺 heartthrob. You will most definitely help bring them peace, and romance. Heavy romance in this pile. Enjoy💙💚🧡

(7oCr, 7oPr, 5oC, KoC, Devil reversed, Temperance, The Sun [astrology], The Fifth House, Scorpio)

//footnote, 5 and 7 are emphasized here, they came up a couple times. I like documenting repeating numbers... perhaps angel numbers? Thanks for reading this reading teheh!

PILE 2 - "????" guy

Aww, this may be my favourite pile. Total sweethearts! You two are a safe haven for each other! There is an incredible amount of mirroring going on between you two, your souls are very alike, kindred spirits! I feel like if you could go off in your own bubble for eternity, you'll never get bored of each other, and will most likely be lovey dovey adorable with each other for the most part of your relationship💞💞

Your FS values this relationship deeply, closely, and are protective of it. There's something about "final" coming thru. Like "You finally made it to me🥺".

Your FS has a fountain of love for you. They really want you to remember these messages to.... they care so deeply for you, imagine a crystal clear stream... cold refreshing rejuvenating water that's fed by a gorgeous waterfall💛 sorry, this imagery came thru, maybe it's special to you? Your FS is poetic.

The dynamic between you two is playful, youthful adoring love. It's incredibly healing to your heartaches. Your inner child's will connect. Feels important. Wisdom is another overlaying theme to this pile.

It really will feel like a long wait until you meet. There is also a need to find a balance between work and play time in this relationship (it's all smooth sailing for you two, since ya both wise😉😉) so it's more as... you two really wanting to just be close beside each other all the time, enjoying yourselves, healing thru love, but knowing the obligation of responsibility and dutifully working to make a good life for each other. Like magnets, you guys will pull each other together one way or another🥺

Lowkey got lesbian vibes from this pile. LGBTQ+, and also empathetic!

(2oC, 3oS, 2oP, AoC, 7oP, Second House, Gemini, Taurus, Saturn, Moon)

///I want to share my technical findings here in this footnote.... I know this relationship was mirroring, because??? All the 2s??? 3 twos.... the pile number is 2.... and Taurus is the 2nd zodiac sign😬😬 and to top it off... the moon is counted as the 2nd planet in birth charts lol.... maybe the number 2 is important TO (haha, pun) you? 2 weeks? Years? Decades!??? Eons😞✊ may feel like it ik, thank you for tuning in!

PILE 3 - cowboy hat cat

Your FS has a lot of life and vitality in them. They are determined, active, and playfully passionate about their life. They speak a lot, just gonna be blunt about that right off the beat. Although they have this upbeat personality they show to the world, inside of them is an entirely different story.

This is the kind of person who seems happy-go-lucky (and they are) but they suffer a strange amount of setbacks, obstacles in their path. I feel your presence in their life will help a lot with this mildly-inconvenient bad luck streak they have. All in all, I feel like they're an individual who refuses to let life get the best of them! They are firm and remain in their headstrong energy! They are quite happy and unafraid of change!

You should be aware about the sneaky side they have to them. They're good at manipulating people, especially, or rather, they specifically use it in a team setting to "influence" the preferred outcome they want. You can see thru this, or they won't do it with you. One or the other. They get bored, hence their need to keep a fast pace and keep switching things up.

They adore and respect you tho🖤 they especially like you becauseyou amuse them with your humor/wit (charm? For some). They'll see you as a good anchor point for them, to stay facing their truth north, you're their home🧡

There is an emphasis on being two separate people coming together. You both take pride in being your own developed individuals, and although you share similarities, there are strong, healthy boundaries between y'all. I see you two potentially butting heads, but any problems get solved before they get out of hand, because you two? Are mature.😀

This is a match that is secure, steady, and reliable. Also, incredibly steamy between you two, of course, very sexually fulfilling, and wild😏😏(if that resonates with you, take care of yourself bby)

Thanks for tuning in! Hope this reading finds you well!

(The Sun, 8oS, 3oP, 9oC, The Moon, QoP, Chariot, Death, 7oW, Gemini, Uranus)

//authors footnote... because the sun and moon both got pulled (although from different decks) I feel as tho your personalities are explored fully, like entirely, so there's fulfillment because of the intimate knowing... uhhh, tell me I that makes sense at all😅😅

PILE 4 - "e" meme

Just a fun fact, I did this pile last cuz I think the "e" meme, is the funniest meme to interpret in a tarot reading lol, cuz it's just far-out lmao XDD I'm excited, I'm pumped, this pile has Neptune, my absolute favourite planetarian vibe let's gooo

Funnily enough, I got the feeling to get weird, just now, so maybe y'all my weirdos squad? Humor as a coping mechanism squad??? My soul tribe???? Lmaoo lmaooo jkjk, okay, let's get in this.

I'm getting some special genius vibes here. From your FS. Like they are inherently talented. For some it's a specific thing, for others it's a jack-of-all-trades thing, and for some others their personalities are just 🌅snowglobe🌅special🌅 (like vivid imaginations... and massively creative). There is something inside them, like a part of them that's just connected/in touch with the greater flow of life. Genius. Just because they have his talent/ability/gift or however you want to put it does not make them some superhuman, because I can assure you with the cards here, they be some sneaky and defensive at times. They are like he insufferable kid in a grown body, but somehow they got everything working out for them, and you sew their potential/beauty/love in them (i.e. their golden, pure heart) that you fall head over heels for them. The feeling is mutual. It may take some time to actually get together, they are enthusiastic about keeping their own lil world and will gradually let you in, but it'll be worth it, for both of you. They're frustrating in all the best ways *wipes tear*

Nah but frrr.... there is financial stability, but I feel like your FS could maybe get themselves in trouble sometimes.... only for all the good reasons tho! They aren't a bad person, just ☄spicy☄

It's going to feel like a whole life and a half when you're with them tho, because there's so much to experience and discover! They can give good advice. They may meditate, or some other activity to keep their mental state in check.

Because of the Neptune influence, I feel like a lot of this person's personality is hidden from others. They are actually kind and mature, you'd be surprise(or you wouldn't, since you're their FS😉)

You two are destined for a lot of fun and adventures! That's all I have for this pile, take care

(KoP, Lovers reversed, Wheel of Fortune reversed, Hierophant, PoW, Justice, 4oW, 7oS, 7oW, 2oP, QoC, KoC, 5oC, 3oP, AoC, Moon)

///I pulled a lot of cards... helps me to get a better "overall energy" thing thxx

PILE 5 - "this is fine"

Based on the image you chose, are you a bit of a dumpster fire? No offense, because same. Maybe you are messy, scattered? Hole-y mental space? Lmao This doesn't have to apply... but tell me if it does. It's actually perfect really, because your FS is the pinnacle of stability.

They have a very strong structure. Cycle? They take care of what is theirs. Spending time on what's important to them, and easing away stress/worry with a loving gentle touch🖤🖤, around them, there is no need to worry because with their firm but kind grip, matters will be dealt with:))

They want you to know they love you so, so much, and you're doing a wonderful job of taking care of matters in your life! Some of them want to reassure you, and firmly guide you to the right direction in dealing with a situation.... but one of you are like me, and don't like others intruding on your own "personal" decisions. This person respects you, but you will come to learn they do know best:)) hate to be the one to say it...😅😅

Obviously they are financially stable. I don't get a "filthy rich" vibe from them, but they are well off, no stress regarding finances. They like to make plans, like trips (think hiking maybe? Maybe group events... idk something like that). They're lowkey adventurous (adrenaline junkies for some of you, others are more laid back)

As a recap, safety, loving, abundant is what you'll get, honestly stability.

I need you to know they're kinky. They like being dominant. But only if you feel good! "It only feels as good as you're feeling it" is what I'm being told....if you don't like kinky stuff they won't do it. They listen to you, you are their queen ("the boss" for one of you), and they adore you💛💛 also they have mad respec for y'all. You're killing it!

They aren't afraid to go after what they want. Maybe they can be a bit of a dumpster fire too at times😵😵 (no worries tho they take care of things!) Thanks for tuning in!

(KoC, KoP, AoP, Emperor, Chariot, Virgo, Pisces, Fourth house)

PILE 6 - le scared hamster

This is a family related pile. Feels like marriage is highly valued here. I'm also getting rich vibes👀 abundance of love, family, care. This is your forever home. For both of you. I'm hearing royalty? This person is so blessed they feel like royalty👑

Learning is emphasized here. Maybe you meet at a uni? (Apply for some not all), I'm getting doctorbvibes, or even a teacher?? Professor?? This person is super smart. Genius even, but they are so soft. They can hide their heart behind their intellect, but what they truly want if a family to nuture🥺

Books are important here. I'm hearing bookworm?? They are wealthy tho. I feel like you and your person's life mission is to actually just have a family. Grow. With your friends, children. Take it easy, live effortlessly. I can see some frustration here tho, it can get stiffling, yanno, with how loving and happy you are! XDD it's a soft paradise. There's the will to just let the world move around them, and just focus on what's in front of them, the tangible present/future.

Blue and purple, and light blue are important. Think of the light blue of the sky in mid morning.... I love that color. So calming. Yet their is an overtones of a controlled environment. Like perfectionism. Don't bs afraid to shake things up! Everything will settle back to lovely again😇😇 feels a little karmic too... you deserve to be happy!

Hope this resonates!

(KoS, 10oP, 10oC, 7oS, AoS, Temperance, Devil, AoW, 3oW, KoP, Cancer, Seventh House, Third House)

PILE 7 - kid holding cross

Hello! You guys... feisty energy here! I heard "northwest" and "why do you hate me so much?" BUT that just may be my own partner trying talk to me lmao take it how it resonates. So um, got a lot of cards for this group I hope I can explain this well🤎

This is one helluva group let me say. I feel your energy the most right now, and maybe, I'm seeing how your FS sees you🖤🖤 "don't fail me now" (sorry, I'm getting some psychic messages here... only take what you feel like. Woo! Didn't even start interpretating it and a lot has come thru.)

I'm sorry... I'm getting some of you are battling with depression/feelings of apathy? I'm getting broken-hearted 💔 from your spouse. Aw, they really are trying to channel strength to you right now... their higher self's that is.

I feel like it's both of yous are struggling. Okay, so, you guys are chaotic and fiery together. Passionate. I see fighting, but a good fighting in the sense it lies a fire in both your hearts that's been long since dead??? you guys make each other feel alive. And maybe, that's what you both need in this godawful life<33

I hope this resonates. I feel like although there's fighting, I think it's like the meme you guys chose... "exorcising each other's demons". They will definitely change you deeply, and the heavy burdens that's piled in your mind space will be cleared out, leaving you re-energized and feeling like the wild spitfire you are<33

You guys are both aware of the magnetic pull you have towards each other, and I see you coming together quite easily as you both trust the connection. It's mutual... once you've had each other, you won't find anyone else quite as satisfying<3

Hope this resonates! Never had a reading like this before... hope it's accurate! Please, pick another pile if this scares you!

(4oC, KoS, 5oW, AoS x2, PoC, Pluto, Mars)

///you reached the end! Thank you for your patience🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️ and see you next time🌠

[finelineborderline]

Hi! I uhm have not yet been diagnosed but I’m pretty confident that bpd is the answer to it all as shitty as that is. I’m almost more afraid for it to not be bpd cause nothing has ever made this much sense. But I’m really scared. And you’re in no way obligated to read this or respond but I don’t know. Just, do you have any advice for someone just now realizing and getting diagnosed with bpd?

hello, anon! first, i apologize ahead of time for how long this will be, but there's a lot i want to say. obligatory disclaimer that i am not a professional nor am i a qualified doctor to diagnose anyone, and these thoughts are mine and mine alone and do not constitute a professional's medical opinion/advice. all i can do here is speak my truth and explain my experiences with BPD in hopes that you and maybe others find it helpful.

second, at least with BPD, if you think you have it (i.e. you know you fit 5 or more of the 9 current diagnostic criteria), while of course obtaining a professional diagnosis is great, in this case, it's my personal belief that if you think you have BPD, there's a large chance you do have it. of course there will always be outliers, but for most people, pretending to have BPD or forcing a diagnosis just doesn't make sense. BPD is not something that makes people quirky and it makes life more difficult, not just from a personal standpoint as the person who has it, but the resulting reaction from friends, family, and even strangers you don't know and never will who have something to say on the internet. i don't know many people who'd lie about that and be okay with the negative stigma that persists around those diagnosed with BPD.

most (if not all) people with BPD don't want to have it, but understand they fit the criteria. with certain other mental illnesses and ailments, getting a professional to diagnose them is of course better than self-diagnosing, but i had self-diagnosed with BPD for years before i ever ended up in a psychiatric ward because i 5150'd myself and got professionally diagnosed with BPD. i had quite a strong hunch i had BPD years before a professional came to the same conclusion - but not in a "oh my god yay i'm so glad i have this horribly debilitating illness, woo!" more in a "holy fuck this all makes so much sense, and i wish it didn't, but i know myself, and i know that this is what i have". and getting the professional diagnosis was great in the sense of getting that final confirmation, but even without it, i'd have still considered myself as someone struggling with BPD.

it's okay to be scared. i think i'd be scared of you if you weren't scared - i was downright terrified when i figured out that what i'd been feeling, dealing with, doing, could be attributed to BPD. i hated it, wished it was something else, but the more i read, the more i watched, the more i took notes, the more i realized that BPD was the answer to a question i wish i didn't have to ask in the first place.

before i was diagnosed, i took notes as if i was in a class about BPD. i wrote down the criteria for a diagnosis, and put a check next to every one i fit into with specific notes of how and why i felt i checked that category. chronic feelings of emptiness? check. emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events? check. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment? check. unstable self-image/sense of self? double and triple check. impulsive and damaging behavior in regards to spending/sex/substance use/reckless driving/binge eating? i did all of those things, where only 2 were required to hit this bullet point. quadruple check. anger? checkity check check. unstable interpersonal relationships? fucking check. suicidal behavior/threats? check. paranoid ideation/dissociative symptoms? check. i hit all 9 of these and it "only" requires 5 to hit the diagnosis. so for me, i knew i had it because like you, nothing else made this much sense.

and you know what? i fucking hated it. i got angry at myself for being so fucking broken that my personality had apparently shattered somewhere in early childhood due to my trauma and left me with a gaping, angry hole that i had constantly tried to fill with something, anything. i was beyond angry, i was seething with rage. why did it have to be fucking me? why? i still grapple with "why me?" on the daily with my BPD. i didn't want BPD to be what made sense, but it did. and while i am still incredibly fucking angry with my diagnosis, i've also reached a level of resignation about it. almost a sense of radical acceptance.

my advice is gonna sound fucking stupid because i know how hard much of it is to do and a lot of it takes serious introspection, patience, and kindness (to yourself). my advice would be to truly try to practice self-compassion, self-love - when what you want to do is beat yourself up internally over anything - having BPD in the first place (hell, even thinking you have BPD in the first place), or something you did/said in reactionary anger/rage/sadness/impulsiveness, something you didn't do - anytime you want to emotionally flay yourself over this, the best advice i can give you is to practice the skill of forgiving yourself. of giving yourself compassion to learn and grow as a human who is struggling with something very difficult to live with.

and i'm going to be upfront with you - most times, you will fail. you will not give yourself the compassion, love, and kindness you truly deserve. it's hard to break the cycle of self-rage, hard to convince yourself that you're worth recovery, worth getting better, worth learning to live with BPD and all it entails. but there WILL be times where you catch yourself in moments of compassion and acceptance. they might be few and far between, and they might not feel like much at first, but with time and practice, you will notice moments that you are less critical of yourself and your perceived failures relating to BPD.

for instance - i've been in DBT for a few months now. some of it really doesn't help me specifically (some "action steps" just don't work), but there's a few things that have been pivotal to my growth and have helped. one of those being the not-so-simple act of radical acceptance. of forgiveness. of understanding that you are not the worst person to ever walk the face of this earth, no matter how much your brain will try and try and try to convince you that you are. i have caught a few very very very SMALL moments where i've internally said to myself "well, it's okay that i failed there" or "alright, so i didn't do XYZ, i'll move on and do better next time" instead of beating myself up emotionally/internally over it. and the first time i noticed that happened, a tiny light bulb went off in my head. it was weeks and weeks into my DBT, where i felt i wasn't seeing any changes in myself. but that one, tiny instance where i showed myself compassion? it gave me a faint spark of hope that maybe BPD isn't the death sentence i so often feel it is. and i still do, in a lot of ways, and i'm working to try to manage and cope better, but it's not smooth sailing and more often than not, i am being mean to myself, or unforgiving. but my advice is to try to be aware of those moments, whenever they may come, where you can sense yourself forgiving yourself or being nicer to yourself than you otherwise might have been.

i'm not gonna bullshit you and act like learning to live with BPD is a walk in the park, or that somehow after DBT (should you choose to ever go that route) will result in you being "cured" or "fixed" - at least in terms of DBT, it's not a cure so much as it is trying to instill new habits and coping skills that you will strengthen by repeated use and practice. (and remember, practicing a skill still counts even if you fail to correctly use that skill. practice does not mean you always do things right/correct, it simply means you tried.)

again, it's okay to be scared. please allow yourself to feel that emotion. but leave room for that fear to dissipate at times, leave room to challenge that fear on occasion.

most of all, allow yourself to be. however you feel isn't bad. emotions are messengers, so next time you're angry, ask yourself: what is my anger trying to tell me in this moment? if you're sad, ask yourself: what is my sadness trying to convey? with repeated practice, perhaps you can identify triggers for certain emotions.

practice observing how you're feeling physically in your body, and remember that emotions are not facts. and remember that emotions will come and go, no matter how much your brain will convince you they won't.

that's all i've got for you now, but to you and anyone else who made it this far down - my inbox is always, always open, for anyone and anything. you don't have to be alone. we can be alone together, and i'm just a message away.

[donnerpartyofone]

I'm not going to make any empty threats of deleting or even taking a break, I think at this point it's actually too late for me to ever reach escape velocity, but Tumblr is driving me fucking crazy lately. I keep thinking of different ways of articulating the problem/s and then I don't type them out because they start spiraling out into this convoluted system of caveats and disclaimers, which is actually a big problem in and of itself. There's that Simpsons joke from like the year one where Marge is suggesting baby names and Homer keeps thinking of insulting rhymes that other kids could make, and then *hilariously* he can't think of anything mean that someone might rhyme with "Bart" so that's what they pick; sometimes making a post on Tumblr feels exactly like that, like you have to cycle through every single possible negative reaction or exception someone might come up with--and maybe even if you really don't care, part of your brain is still habituated to waiting for the moment that someone comes up with a really stupid obnoxious misunderstanding of your very clear and/or innocent personal statement, and very often that's exactly what you get. The right choice is to not let this control you, but it can instill this state of frustration and paranoia just the same that makes posting less fun in general. But, as suggested, this is just one of many problems that I am (wisely, I hope) preventing myself from listing in too much detail. Like. It can feel important, nay, obligatory to help circulate urgent political information, and yet Tumblr is pretty much proven to be the worst place to receive and discuss political information; no matter what you do it feels like it's too much, or not enough, or both. Or like, I feel like I'm in a rut and I think that it's time to diversify and follow more different kinds of people, and then I realize I'm starting to feel pissed off and anxious all day because my dash is flooded with stuff that I don't want to see; I make myself stop every time and ask Who is posting this because I should just unfollow them, but then it's like...oh, that person posts nice nature photos 70% of the time, oh I actually like that guy as a person, oh that one is a good source of info on [x] so I just have to be patient with their bullshit...and then it's like, I let all these guys in and I can't figure out how to get rid of them anymore because I myself am making excuses for them. And I mean sometimes the people creating the noise are actually posting interesting and rational arguments about [y] and I theoretically want to read them, but they're contributing to this nightmarishly contentious and fraught atmosphere in my brain and I realize that I'm losing track of what I was ever even doing here in the first place.

For the first several years this was a place I came to hoard media and express myself, mainly for my own amusement, and I also found this little community of people who had some shared interests but who were all individually unique, and it was really fun and cool. And like during those same exact years there was bullshit going on in other parts of Tumblr that I could never care about AND that I didn't even have to know about! For various reasons of mass and volume or whatever it was still possible to really manicure your dash and not constantly be within two degrees of separation from something you hate, posted by someone you wouldn't give the time of day to. And I know I have to take responsibility for what I've done to my own situation here, I'm the one who is in control of who I follow/block/etc, but I guess for me it just became really easy to let this get out of control and I'm not sure how often I'm even enjoying myself anymore. This used to be an escapist activity to distract from IRL tortures, and now it just feels like its own, separate form of torture a lot of the time. I feel constantly bombarded by people screaming out their bad taste, or screaming in each other's faces, or both, and it's just stressing me out. And I don't know if everyone perceives this, but it also feels to me like the personalities are gone, the individual voices are extremely rare; most people all talk the same now, they're all mindlessly repeating the same punchlines and imitating the same cadence and phrasing that worked for some popular user, and I don't even have the same sense of Tumblr being full of freaks and weirdos. Even the trolls all sound the same, there's like this suffocating conformity going on and it seems to be what people aspire to because their main purpose for being here is a fantasy of abject public acceptance.

I mean don't worry, I "touch grass", I literally stop and smell the roses, I ride my bike, I have some friends, I do activities. That's not necessarily the problem. It's just Tumblr, like how did I even let it get like this. I think there's a pretty good chance I'll start a Neocities site, but I'm pretty sure that what will happen is that I'll be cross-posting here, and then I'll still be here checking out interactions and stuff, and nothing will change. But who knows, maybe I'll like co-host or whatever and I'll finally be able to make myself stop complaining. Stay tuned, if you enjoy this sort of thing.

I've asked this before and I'm sure I'll ask it again, but do you/have you used any of the proposed Tumblr alternatives and do you like any of them?

[gammija]

The final Web!Martin evidence list

Now that canon is done, and we’ve got word of god confirmation that Web!Martin wasn’t complete nonsense, I decided to go back to my lil chronological evidence list and actually clean it up a bit, delete parts that in hindsight weren't all that indicative, and put everything in a slightly more readable format. (Obligatory disclaimer that i don’t and never did believe or advocate for some kind of evil web!martin, and that I'm not intending to connect a moral judgement to martin (or anyone else for that matter) having some of these traits)

So here: The (hopefully, please) final list with Web!Martin Evidence! Presented in order of importance, according to. me

The final (hopefully) Web!Martin evidence list

(In order from most to least obvious)

Spiders

I mean, it’s called the Web. TMA reiterates quite a few times that Martin liked spiders. Sometimes it IS that easy.

MAG022: Martin: "I like spiders. Big ones, at least. Y’know, y’know the ones you can see some fur on; I actually think they’re sort of cute -"

MAG038: | Sasha: "A spider?" Jon: "Yeah. I tried to kill it…" [...] Sasha: [Chuckles] "Well, I won’t tell Martin." Jon: "Oh, god. I don’t think I could stand another lecture on their importance to the ecosystem."

MAG059: Jon: "I have done my best to prevent Martin reading this statement in too much detail. I have no interest in having another argument about spiders."

MAG079: Jon: "Apparently, biologically, his account of the spiders doesn’t make any sense according to Martin."

MAG197: Martin: “What? Because I like spiders? Well, used to.”

Lies and subterfuge

Martin is able to use lying and subterfuge to achieve his goals, and is called manipulative a few times.

Lies:

MAG022: Martin: "[He] became slightly more co-operative after I lied to him and told him that one of the upstairs residents had buzzed me in."

MAG056: Martin: "I lied on my CV."

MAG158: Peter: “But you said –” Martin: “Honestly, I mostly just said what I thought you wanted to hear.”

MAG164: Jon: "You – I actually believed you!"

MAG189: Martin: “Sorry. Sorry, John. Not sure how much everything up there actually understood what was going on. But, y’know, I didn’t want to take any chances so it made sense to… um…” Jon: “Put on a show?” Martin: “Yeah, basically, more or less.”

MAG191: Martin: "That's not true." Arun: "Liar!"

Subterfuge:

The plan in 118, which revolved around convincing Elias that Martin was only “acting out”, to create a distraction for Melanie. (Also compare the way he evades giving a straight answer here with the way Annabelle talks in 196.)

Working with Peter in s4 under false pretenses, to distract him from Jon and eventually try to learn what Peter wanted.

Manipulation accusations:

These, I know, are somewhat contentious, since it’s mostly villains saying this to him. I’m still including them, since

1): From a media analysis standpoint, being mentioned 3 times is a sign to pay attention, even when it may not be the full truth.

2): I only see it as describing Martin’s behaviour in the previous points, not as a moral judgement; Especially since he almost always ‘manipulates’ people in positions of power over him.

Still, if it bothers anyone, feel free to ignore these.

MAG138: Martin: "That’s it? No, no monologue, no mind games? You love manipulating people!" Elias: "That makes two of us."

MAG186: Martin: “I can be a real manipulative prick, you know that?” Also Martin: “Oh yeah.”

MAG196: Annabelle: “Because you always managed to get what you wanted through smiles and shrugs and stammerings that weren’t nearly as awkward as they seemed.” [SMALL SOUND OF MARTIN’S CONCESSION TO THE POINT] Martin: “Point taken.”

The Lonely/the Web

The Lonely and the Web sometimes affect Martin to similar degrees.

In season 3, when Martin is getting used to reading statements for the first time, most of them leave him emotionally affected: MAG084, MAG088, MAG090,

MAG095: Martin: “S-S-Statement… done.” [HEAVY BREATHING & TREMBLING AS MARTIN STEADIES HIMSELF] “I don’t like recording these. There. I-I said it.”,

MAG098: Martin: [Panting] “End of statement.” [Deep breath] “I, um, I think I might need to sit down. Oh. Yeah, I am. Right. I don’t, uh, I’m not really sure if these are actually getting easier or harder. I mean I don’t feel –”

Only the last two statements he reads are remarkably easier. This might be a hint that Martin is just getting used to reading them, but the quote from MAG098 seems to contradict that. Either way, it’s likely not a coincidence that those last two happen to be the Lonely and the Web:

MAG108: Martin: “Statement ends.” (exhale) “That wasn’t so bad…”

MAG110: Martin: “Statement ends.” [...] “I mean, I think it sounds like a Jurgen Leitner book. About spiders. Hm. Good John didn’t have to read this one, anyway. I know he’s not a fan. Although, this one wasn’t too bad, actually! I – yeah. Anyway.”

In season 5, there are two powers’ Domains that actually affected Martin mentally, as opposed to only physically: the Lonely’s, in 170 (and arguably 186), and, depending on your interpretation, in 172, when Martin went exploring without knowing why he did so.

Proximity

Martin investigates a lot of the Web statements during season 1 to 3 (in other words, when the archive team still researches statements). The only ones he isn’t mentioned in during this period are MAG019 and MAG020, when he’s being harrassed by worms, and MAG081, which Jon records by himself outside of the institute.

Most notably, he’s the one who discovered the statement in MAG114, ‘Cracked Foundations’, which is the one statement in the entire show that sets up the interdimensional properties of HTR.

The Web!Lighter passed through Martin's hands first, before he gave it to Jon.

Similarly, Annabelle mostly spoke to Martin in season 5, despite most other Avatars usually focusing on Jon.

Aesthetics

Apart from the above obviously Web related areas, there are some other aesthetics which are mentioned in connection to both the Web and Martin, throughout canon.

These are describing the Web;

These are describing Martin.

Tapes:

Martin is the only character to treat the tape recorders as friends - any other character is either indifferent, or treats them as enemies.

MAG039: Martin: "I think the tapes have a sort of… low-fi charm."

MAG154 Martin: “Oh. Hi. Hello again.” … (small laugh) “Sorry pal, false alarm this time.”

MAG156 Martin: “Mm? Oh.” [HE LAUGHS, GENTLY.] “Yeah. (rustling paper) I was going to read one. Hate for you to miss it!” [SHORT, FORCED LAUGH, AS HE FLAPS THE STATEMENT AROUND.]

MAG170 Martin: “Oh. Oh, hello. What’s this? Wow, retro! What are you up to, little buddy; just – listening? That’s okay. It’s nice to have someone to talk to.”

MAG190 Jon: "[The tapes] seem to like [Martin]."

Retro:

MAG069: Statement: “I only saw Annabelle Cane once during this period. She wasn’t hard to pick out. She dressed like a vintage clothing store exploded on her, and her short bleach-blonde hair stood out sharply against dark skin.”

MAG160: Jon: “Anyways, don’t tell me the phonebox down there doesn’t appeal to your retro aesthetic.” Martin: “It – might. Maybe.”

MAG163: Annabelle/the Web callying Martin via an old payphone: [ A PHONE RINGS. IT’S NOT THE TINNY, ELECTRONIC SOUND OF A CELLPHONE – NO, THIS IS A TRUE, HEAVY, CLASSIC RING.] Martin: “Uh. John? Uh, J, John – the, uh, payphone that’s – here, for some reason – it’s ringing?”

Hatred of burns:

MAG067: Jack Barnabas’ statement: “I looked up and noticed within the corner of the room, where there had been a spider’s web this morning, there was just a faint wisp of smoke.” “Another held a bag that seemed to be full of candles, while a third had a clear plastic container filled with hundreds of tiny spiders.”

MAG139: Statement by member of Cult of the Lightless Flame: “The Mother of Puppets has always suffered at our hand; all the manipulation and subtle venom in the world means nothing against a pure and unrestrained force of destruction and ruin.” Agnes burned down Hilltop Road.

MAG145: The Web ties Gertrude to Agnes, stopping the Desolation’s ritual (the only Power whose ritual the Web is known to have prevented).

MAG167: Gertrude enlists Agnes’/the Desolation’s help in order to burn her assistant Emma, who was Web aligned.

MAG169: Martin: "Look, I just – don’t want to get burned, all right? It’s, it’s like my least favorite pain ever. [...] I, I legitimately hate burns, alright? They’re, they’re awful, and they scar horribly, and they just – it – it just makes me sick; I, I hate it. Hate it!"

Phrasing:

MAG039: Martin: "I’m trapped here. It’s like I can’t… move on and the more I struggle, the more I’m stuck. [...] It's just that whatever web these statements have caught you in, well, I’m there too. We all are, I think."

MAG079: Martin's poem: "The threads of people walking, living, lovi–"

MAG117: Martin: "This last couple of years, I’ve always been running, always hiding, caught in someone else’s trap, but, but now it’s my trap, and, well, I think it’ll work. I know, I know it’s not exactly intricate, but it felt good leaving my own little web. Oh, oh, Christ, I hope John doesn’t actually listen to these. “Good lord, is Martin becoming some sort of spider person?” No, John, it’s an expression, chill out! Besides, spiders are fine. I mean, yes, people are scared of them, obviously, but actual spiders, they just want to help you out with flies."

MAG167: Jon: “Methinks the Spider dost protest too much.” Martin: “Jon –” Jon: “Joking! Just joking.”

Personality:

How applicable these are depends heavily on how you interpret Martin's own personality, so your mileage may vary.

MAG008: Statement: “Nobody ever said a word against Raymond himself, though, who was by all accounts a kind and gentle soul [...]”

MAG123: Jon: "The Web does seem to have a preference for those who prefer not to assert themselves."

MAG147: Annabelles statement: "I discovered a deep and enduring talent inside myself for lying. [...] My manipulations were not intricate, but they were far beyond what was expected of a child my age, and I have always believed that the key to manipulating people is to ensure that they always under- or overestimate you. Never reveal your true abilities or plans."

Word of God and Annabelle

I kinda wanted to ‘prove’ that Web!Martin had quite a bit of evidence to back it up, hence this header being last. But of course, in this post-canon world, there are a few lines that most obviously confirm the theory:

MAG197: Martin is Web enough to be able to read the 'vibrations', like Annabelle, and see Jon and Basira (the latter being especially notable, as he hadn't known she was there beforehand): [CHITTERING, BUZZING AND HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALS CHANGE CADENCE] Martin: "Wait… Wait, hang on, is that him?" Annabelle: "Yes. I guess you’re better with the Web than we thought." Martin: "And – Wait, ha– No, uh… is that… Basira? He – He’s got Basira with him!" Annabelle: "Yes."

Season 5 Q&A part 2: Jonny: “Essentially, it was fascinating looking at the fandom and, like, the Web!Martin believers, because what they were doing was correctly picking up on hints dropped in the early seasons that were later, like, not exactly abandoned, but it was much more like, ‘Well, no, he does have like aspects of The Web to him, but he is moreover The Lonely.’ And that came about very… very organically, really. Because throughout Season 3 and going into Season 4, we had this conversation and we were like, ‘No, actually he's like-” Alex: “‘It can't be, it cannot be, it must be the other way round’ Yeah.”

(Note that they say “throughout season 3 and going into season 4,” which likely means that season 1, season 2, and at least part of season 3, aka half of the entire show, were written with Web!Martin as an intentional possibility.)

If you read all that, thanks so much! Obviously, Web!Martin never really came to fruition, so it's fine if you still don't like it. This is just a post explaining where it was coming from, at least for me and the other theorists I've spoken to.

[nonbinarychaoticstupid]

I might be missing something bur re: your tags on the Auschwitz names post. What in g-d's name is "toh holocaust discourse". I am so afraid

oh l-rd how do i begin to explain

tl;dr this is another useless toh twitter discourse thing that resulted in harassment of the people who actually bothered to have a normal critical discussion of media they enjoyed (ie. jewish + romani + black people). btw if anyone uses this as an excuse to bring discourse to the one safe bastion (tumblr) i'm straight up killing you i don't fucking care i am purely making this for clarification purposes

longer version as i understand it with the obligatory disclaimer that i don't pay attention to twitter and toh discourse in particular and this may or may not be correct so do not take this as an accurate report :

jewish + romani + black people point out a few examples of antisemitism, holocaust imagery, anti-romani racism, and antiblackness in the owl house. this is from a purely critical point of view and not intended to cancel the show. no one actually thinks dana terrace hates minorities. there is a fairly well-written thread abt this by a jewish person that came out before most of the discourse kicked off and summarises what it was all about: 'we have some legitimate criticisms of a very well-written and diverse queer show that we think is important to consider' and i would link it but i don't want it to start up again

white goyim start getting involved + suddenly the discussion moves from 'hm it is very annoying having to see mass genocides reflected in media maybe we should learn other ways of depicting the oppression of people that doesn't mirror the holocaust' to 'well I'M queer and QUEER PEOPLE were affected in the holocaust so I HAVE MORE OF A LEG TO STAND ON THAN YOU and i think it's FINE' to literal autistic queer jewish people + poc and thus the Harassment Begins

people also start harassing crew members(?). i should also note that no one who is capable of critical thought thinks the toh crew hates jewish people

'well alex hirsch is jewish and HE didn't say anything so it's FINE :/' alex hirsch's job is not Jew Sensitivity Reader that is not his job he is not paid to do that it is not the job of minority groups to play the sensitivity reader at all times you can do your own research jesus fucking christ you are allowed to research things you are allowed to know things about antisemitism

white goyim want to play the oppression olympics soooo bad i am still having to debate whether jewish people were more affected than queer people by the holocaust or not (spoiler: this isn't a debate you just want to feel important)

no one on twitter has critical thinking abilities. this is news to no one

'well it's because VILLAINS are supposed to be BAD' that was not the point of this discourse and you know it

people start breaking out the antisemitic language and get defensive when jewish people are understandably upset. 'well you shouldn't have started discourse if you didn't want to be called 'one of those'!!!!!' seems to be the general feeling

it's also worth noting that the majority of people who were being harassed were jewish + poc and the people doing the harassing were white goyim so like. idk i think there's a point to be made abt that

[smaidjor]

i know they're losing (Chapter 1)

hi mothers and fuckers of the jury, this fic is a hot mess but so am I, please appreciate it. Also, obligatory disclaimer this is about the characters not the people, all that important stuff.

Some important notes:

1. You will probably hate Scott just a little at points. He has chronic dumb bitch syndrome and there's a whole lot of bullshit going on in his life that you don't see in this fic because it's not his pov. That being said, he's still a bit of a jerk.

2. This has a lot of lord of the rings lore. A LOT. You may be kinda confused if you're not a lord of the rings fan. It's fine, Jimmy's confused too, and all of it will be explained at some point.

3. The chapter titles are from the Last Goodbye from the Hobbit films. The general title is from I Bet on Losing Dogs by Mitski.

4. General content warnings: there is a little blood, and a little violence, and a lot of mentioned death and morbid jokes. If you don't do well with themes involving death this fic is probably not for you. There is also possibly going to be referenced emotional abuse and generally unhealthy ways to raise children, though that will be talked about much further down the line. I will also put specific cws at the start of each chapter, don't worry!

5. The alternate title for this was '10k words of flower husbands being sad'. You have been warned.

Title: i know they're losing

Chapter Title: under clouds, beneath the stars

Current Total Wordcount: 3740

Content Warning: referenced/past character death, very frank discussion of death.

Snippet:

Scott whirls to face him, robes spinning behind him. “I’m fading, alright? I’m dying, now leave me alone!”

Jimmy feels like he’s been smacked in the face, the words hitting him with all the force of a well-thrown trident. Dying? “You- what- but elves don’t die, right?”

“We do. From poison, from swords, from arrows through the throat-” Jimmy’s hands fly to the scar on his neck, the one that matches Scott’s own- “from grief.”

AO3 Link

Actual fic under the cut

Scott’s hands are cold. That’s the first sign, the chill that’s uncharacteristic of an elf.

Scott’s chest hurts. That’s the second sign, the bone-deep ache he can’t seem to quell.

Scott is weaker than normal, and that’s the third sign, the one that confirms what’s happening beyond a shadow of a doubt. He’s fading, Scott thinks as he leans against a wall, trying to stop his head from spinning. He can’t say he’s surprised, not after all he’s been through; in fact, he’s more astonished it took so long to start.

-

In another world, it happens like this:

Scott’s hands are cold, and Shubble notices as he shows her around the nether. It’s worrying, a bit, how icy his skin is even in the boiling dimension, but Scott’s empire has always been cold, hasn’t it?

Katherine notices how long it’s been since Scott visited her, one of his few allies, and she worries, a bit. But Scott has always been distant, hasn’t he?

No one notices or worries enough to go check on him, and Scott fades away to nothing, cold and alone in his icy empire.

-

What actually happens is this:

Katherine has gotten word of the demon that haunts the server, and amongst all her worry, one of her thoughts is ‘has anyone checked on Scott?’. The answer is no, and next time she has a free day, she sets out for Rivendell. It’s not a long trip, not with elytra, anyways, and soon she’s at the doors to his keep.

“I need to see Lord Smajor,” she tells the guards.

“He’s not taking visitors right now.” is the response she gets.

“It’s a vital matter to the safety of both our kingdoms.”

They let her in.

Katherine spends far too long looking around the elegantly decorated downstairs and storage area before she realizes he must be up the spiral staircase in the corner of the room. She’s never been upstairs in Scott’s house before, which makes her a little nervous, but… this is an urgent matter, so she presses on into what turns out to be a very pretty bedroom. Decorated with bookshelves aplenty and gorgeous lanterns, it practically screams Scott.

The man (elf?) himself is harder to spot. At first, Katherine’s worried he isn’t there at all, but eventually she realizes that he’s still in bed despite the fact that it’s a quarter to one, only his pale face sticking out from under the covers.

“Scott?” She asks, cautious. “Lord Smajor?”

He blinks at her tiredly. “Hi, Katherine.”

“I came to talk to you about some empires stuff, but, I mean, if this is a bad time, I can come back later…?”

“No, no, stay.” He waves at the sole chair in the room, which is near-enough to the bed. “I can muster the energy for a meeting, just don’t ask me to get up.”

Katherine takes the seat hesitantly. “I came to talk about the corruption on the server, but- are you okay? Are you sick?”

Scott laughs, a little bitter. “In a way, yes.”

“What do you mean?”

“Take my hand.”

She obeys, confused, and finds that Scott’s hands are like ice despite the warmth of the room.

“Elves don’t get sick like mortals do,” Scott says. “Nor do we die of old age. But we get...heartsickness, you might call it. We call it fading in our tongue- the cold hands are a symptom of that. Our souls are fragile, and the grief of the mortal plane can be overwhelming. If an elf is too struck by it, they fade away and die.”

She gasps a little.

“It usually happens to old elves, world-weary,” Scott continues. “Those who are tired of existence. But any elf who has experienced enough grief is at risk.”

It takes Katherine a moment to process everything, and once she does, she stares at him in horror. “You’re- fading? But doesn’t it usually happen to old elves? Wait, are you old?”

“I’m fifty-five.”

“Is that old?”

That gets a laugh out of him. “Fifty is the elven equivalent of eighteen for humans, the age of maturity.”

“Oh.” She struggles for words for a moment, settling on “How can you be so calm if you’re dying?”

“I’m tired, Katherine. The world tore me away from the people I loved, and..I’m tired of fighting it.”

Try as she might, there’s nothing she can say to that. “Is there a way to reverse fading- to fix it?”

Something pained and raw flashes through his eyes. “Technically, yes. If an elf recovers enough emotionally, it’s reversible. But whatever caused them to fade the first time can- and often does- cause it again.”

Katherine nods seriously, absorbing the information. “We’ll just have to reverse it, then.”

“That’s sweet, Katherine, but I’m dying.”

“No,” she tells him firmly. “You’re not going to die. Now come on, you can show me your empire while I fill you in on what’s happening on the rest of the continent.”

Scott stares at her for a long moment, but eventually he takes her outstretched hand. “Alright.” His hand is frozen cold in hers. “We can try.”

Katherine lets him lead her around Rivendell, pointing out the sights. He’s done an impressive job decorating, like her, and an even more impressive job at uniting the elves and building an empire from the ground up. The people of Rivendell are weary and battle-scarred, for the most part, elves who have seen too much, but the children are bright and happy, and the cyan and gold banners wave proudly in the wind.

As they walk, she also tells Scott about the demon, Xornoth. “The demon’s already visited a lot of people, I think. Gem and Shubble for sure, and Fwhip and Sausage. That’s not even mentioning the corruption that’s been spreading.”

Scott nods. “There’s corruption in Rivendell too. Likely Xornoth’s work. And given that Jimmy still has Vilya- well, I haven’t been able to do much.”

“Vilya?”

“A ring of power. My inheritance from the Noldor.”

“Why does Jimmy have it?”

He doesn’t answer that one.

Katherine leaves feeling unsettled, with more questions than answers. She has new resolve, though, and a new goal: keep Scott from fading. He’s a good friend, though they don’t know each other that well yet, but more than that, he’s a powerful ally. And Katherine can’t afford to lose allies. So while they’re both rulers and busy in their own right, she promises to visit and drag him outside at least once a week.

“I’ll hold you to that,” Scott jokes, but his laugh is weak.

Katherine vows to hold herself to it.

-

The plan works for three entire weeks before Katherine has a week that’s so busy there’s no way she can find the time for a trip to Rivendell. Worse than that, because Scott is so isolated, he has almost no other friends, and many of Katherine’s allies are busy too. She’s a little short of options, to be honest, which is how she finds herself on Jimmy Solidarity’s doorstep that Sunday afternoon.

“Hello?” Jimmy asks as the door swings open. Katherine can see why Lizzie calls him the sweet swamp boy- his confused head tilt is frankly adorable.

“Hi! I know we don’t talk much, but I could use a favor,” she says.

“What can I do for you?”

“I need you to visit Scott.”

Jimmy looks beyond startled. “What- I mean, he doesn’t even like me! I couldn’t possibly.”

“Please?” She wheedles. “I promised him a visitor every week, but I have meetings all week this time.”

He shakes his head, hesitantly at first and then stronger. “No, Katherine. He’d just throw me right out again. I’m his enemy, for goodness sake!”

“If he hates you so much, why do you have his ring?”

Katherine knows she’s won, watching emotions flit across his face too quickly to catch. Grief is what he settles on, and she feels a little bit bad for the ring comment when his voice comes out wobbly.

“I guess I should return that, huh? Alright, I’ll go.”

“Sorry,” she says.

Jimmy brushes it off, saying there’s no need to worry, but he fiddles with the ring on his finger all the more. It’s on his left ring finger, Katherine notes. She wonders if that truly means what it implies.

“I’ll visit him tomorrow,” Jimmy says.

“I’ll hold you to that!”

-

Jimmy isn’t sure why he agreed to this at all, to be honest. Scott may have given him this ring in another world, another lifetime, but that doesn’t mean Scott doesn’t hate him in this one. What other explanation is there for how all his gifts have been rejected, how cold the elf is? Jimmy would be surprised that Scott’s never tried to take his ring back if it wasn’t for how thoroughly Scott avoids him nowadays. Getting the ring back would require talking to Jimmy, something Scott has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to do. Jimmy doesn’t have another use for it, and try as he might to forget flower fields and warm hands in his, he can’t bear to throw it away. So it’s remained on his hand all this time, a painful reminder of someone who used to love him.

Jimmy tries to avoid looking at it as much as possible, every glimpse bringing back the memory of Scott gently sliding it onto his hand, a faint blush dusting his cheeks and a smile on his lips. Even the faint shimmers in the blue gem remind him of how the starlight seemed to get caught in Scott’s hair when they were out at night. The ring had been one of their most valuable possessions on 3rd Life, the rare silver band and elegant forging more than proof of that. Now, though, the ring has to be one of the least valuable things Jimmy owns; on 3rd Life, they were humble folk in little hobbit holes, their most expensive possessions being their diamond armor and swords, but here, they’re kings and lords. Scott probably has a thousand treasures more valuable in his elven empire, so Jimmy’s not sure why he’s bothering to trek all the way across the world just to return this one.

Then again, it’s not really about the ring, and never has been. It’s about the way starlight used to shine in Scott’s eyes when he smiled, his rare, soft grin that was reserved just for Jimmy, how he gave Jimmy the most valuable thing either of them owned. It’s closure, in a way, giving it back. He won’t have any debt to Scott once this ring is returned, and they can both move on like Scott so clearly wants to.

Shaking off those thoughts, Jimmy slows to a stop in front of Scott’s house. It’s grand, nothing like his old hobbit hole, but still so clearly Scott in the decoration and color schemes. Jimmy would know who built it even if he hadn’t known Scott lived in these mountains.

“I’m here to visit Scott,” he says to the guard stationed outside.

They raise an eyebrow, presumably at the familiar way he refers to Scott. “On formal business or personal?”

“Personal? Sort of? I mean, I don’t have any diplomatic reason for being here.” Truth be told, he has no reason to be here at all, really, but...the ring.

“Then Lord Smajor cannot see you.”

Jimmy grits his teeth, suddenly furious at this whole ordeal. “Then tell Lord Smajor that I need to return his ring.”

“May I see it?”

He sticks his hand out obligingly, and the guard examines the ring, surprise blooming across their face. “I did not realize my Lord had lent you Vilya! My apologies, Lord Codfather, I see the alliance between our kingdoms is stronger than I had assumed. You may pass.”

Vilya? “Thank you, gentle, uh, gentleperson!”

The guard dips their head slightly as he walks by, a gesture of respect that he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to. He shakes off the strangeness of the interaction, though, pushing open the door to Scott’s house.

The inside is beautiful, exactly the kind of decor Scott loves...and empty. There’s no one in the spacious kitchen, the storage room, or anywhere else for that matter. Jimmy’s seconds from giving up and going home when he realizes that there are stairs up to the balcony above. That’s where he goes, finding himself in Scott’s bedroom.

Which is awkward, to say the least. It’s not like they never slept in the same room when they were married, but now that there’s this awkward, painful distance between them, Jimmy feels like he’s intruding. What’s worse is, Scott’s still in bed, laying on his side with his face tilted away from Jimmy’s awkward entrance.

“Hello, Jimmy.”

Jimmy half-jumps, not expecting that. “How’d you know it was me?”

Scott rolls over to face him, and Jimmy notes that his face is too pale for it to be natural or healthy. “Do you think I could ever forget the sound of your footsteps?” He goes on before Jimmy can answer. “What are you doing here?”

“Katherine asked me to visit, I’m not sure why, but...here I am. Say, why is she visiting every week?”

Scott’s laugh is bitter. “Katherine thinks she can save me.”

“Save you from what?” Jimmy asks, concerned despite himself.

His (ex?)husband doesn’t reply.

“Save you from what?” Jimmy presses, and gets no answer yet again.

Instead, Scott sits up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “You should go.” He stands, and immediately stumbles, Jimmy rushing to steady him on instinct. Scott’s hands are like ice when he grips Jimmy’s arm to regain his balance, taking several deep breaths, and Jimmy’s instantly struck by how wrong that feels. Scott’s hands were always warm, even on the coldest nights in 3rd life. Some elven thing, probably, that Scott didn’t want to talk about or have time to explain to a silly human like Jimmy.

“Scott, what is going on?”

The elf brushes him off again, heading for the stairs, but the regal effect is ruined by how hard he has to grip the railing.

“Scott, seriously! Answer me, are you okay? What’s happening?”

Scott whirls to face him, robes spinning behind him. “I’m fading, alright? I’m dying, now leave me alone!”

Jimmy feels like he’s been smacked in the face, the words hitting him with all the force of a well-thrown trident. Dying? “You- what- but elves don’t die, right?”

“We do. From poison, from swords, from arrows through the throat-” Jimmy’s hands fly to the scar on his neck, the one that matches Scott’s own- “from grief.” Scott turns back to the stairs. “Come on. If you’re not going to leave, I might as well show you around.”

Jimmy follows, reluctantly, trying to think of something to say that isn’t incoherent sputtering with a bit of ‘why do you hate me now’ added in. “You can’t just drop something like that on a man, you know!”

“You did ask, to be fair.”

Why oh why is he so stupid around Scott? “I guess so, but- but still, dude.”

Scott pushes open the side door, holding it for Jimmy. “Here.”

Jimmy nods and slips through the door.  “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

They start along the path, Scott walking far too quickly for Jimmy’s comfort given how terrible the elf’s balance is currently. He nearly has to jog to keep up, irritatingly, but at least they aren’t snapping at each other for a few precious moments.

Of course, Jimmy has to go and ruin that. “So, uh..are we going to talk about 3rd life?” He has to hear it from Scott’s own lips that he remembers, that it affected him even half as much as it’s affected Jimmy.

“No.”

“Why not? We need to talk about it some time-”

“I said no .”

“It’s literally killing you to not talk about it!”

Scott freezes, face going icy calm in the way Jimmy knows means he’s actually upset. The elf’s hands grip the fabric of his robes tight, his back going rigid. This is a bad idea, Jimmy knows.

He’s in too deep to back out now, though, the pent-up hurt of the past few months all coming out in a rush. “Tell me I’m wrong, Scott! I dare you, tell me I’m wrong! Tell me you never cared about me, tell me you didn’t bother to bury me, tell me it didn’t hurt even a little when I died! Tell me I was just stupid little Jimmy, a toy for an elf who’d live far beyond my lifespan! Tell me whatever, just tell me the truth! ”

Scott breathes out slowly, fury gradually building on his face. “Fine. You want to know what happened after you died? You want to hear about me screaming until my throat went raw? You want to know that I kissed your face and sobbed and begged you to wake up, over and over until I couldn’t speak at all? You want to live with the knowledge that Grian had to physically pull me away from your body? Is that what you want to hear, Jimmy ?”

Jimmy’s name on Scott’s lips punches all the remaining air out of him, sounding so wrong in that angry, bitter tone. Beneath all the rage, Scott sounds wrecked , and the fight leaves Jimmy’s body abruptly. “No,” he says softly. “That’s not what I want to hear, not at all. I’d rather you be happy than love me.”

Silence follows those words, only the faint sound of a waterfall in the distance there to break it.

“I buried you on the hill above our houses,” Scott says finally. “I planted a poppy over your grave.”

“Oh.”

“Grian came over the next day. I didn’t want to see anyone who wasn’t you, but I let him in because I had to. He helped me do the straps on my armor and asked me if he could do anything else to make things easier. I told him to bury me next to you.”

Jimmy swallows hard. “Did he?”

“How would I know?” Scott’s tone softens, just a little. “Grian was honorable enough, though, loyal to his allies. I like to think he did.”

“He was a good guy,” Jimmy agrees. “A little bit bloodthirsty, I guess, but good. I don’t suppose he survived any better than the rest of us, though maybe being bloodthirsty helped.”

“Maybe.”

“Can I- can I ask you why you hate me so much now? I mean, if you mourned me in third life and all.”

Scott turns away again, starting down the path a second time. He’s not looking at Jimmy when he says “I don’t hate you.”

“You don’t?” It’s a shock, honestly, given that this is the first time the two of them have really spoken since the beginning of empires. “But you burned the pufferfish-”

“I didn’t. I kept it.” Scott still won’t look at him. “I never hated you. I don’t think I’m capable of it.”

“Then why do you keep avoiding me?”

“I’ve been kind of busy dying,” Scott says dryly, and Jimmy doesn’t even realize it’s a joke until he looks over at Scott’s wry little grin.

“Scott! That’s not funny!” He scolds, aghast.

“It was a little funny.”

“No!”

Scott must hear the genuine distress in Jimmy’s voice because he drops the act. “Jimmy, I’m an elf. I won’t live far beyond you, but only because I’ll fade without you.”

“So your solution is to isolate yourself and fade now?” Jimmy demands.

“It does sound stupid when you put it like that, doesn’t it? But I lost you once, and I don’t think I could bear it again.”

Jimmy wants to argue, wants to fight him on this, but there’s nothing he can say. Instead, he puts a hand on Scott’s arm to stop him walking any further. Scott turns to look at him, seemingly startled, and Jimmy throws his arms around the elf.

Scott stiffens before slowly relaxing, arms coming up to wrap around Jimmy in return. It’s not as natural a gesture as it used to be, but it’s warm, gentle in a way Jimmy thought he’d never get again. It reminds him of the soft, starry-eyed boy who put flowers in his hair and laughed at him over a cake. Scott will never be that soft again and Jimmy will never be unscarred, but they’re here. They’re alive, that has to count for something.

Scott pulls back, his expression so achingly tender and heartbroken all at once. “I’m sorry, Jimmy.” His voice is raw, a little shaky. “I can’t. Not again.”

“But-”

He’s cut off by Scott shaking his head. “Losing you will destroy me. We dared to love, and now all we can do now is lessen the pain when it all comes crashing down.”

Jimmy’s in too much shock to speak, the ache in his heart returning tenfold as Scott turns back towards the house.

“Goodbye, Jimmy.” He sweeps away, elegant as ever, but stumbles and nearly falls as he reaches the door. Jimmy’s not there to catch him.

Jimmy stumbles home in a daze. It's somewhat of a miracle that no mob manages to kill him, honestly. To be so close to a resolution, to have the person he wanted most right there in his arms, and then to have all that ripped away- he can’t think of anything that could have hurt more. Even his deaths were less painful than this- at least an arrow through the throat is quicker than feeling like your heart is being ripped out through your ribs, Jimmy thinks, a little bitter. He throws Scott’s stupid ring in a pool in the swamp, watching as it sinks to the bottom of the shallow water with hardly a bubble.

Wait.

The ring.

It’s significant, somehow, according to a Rivendell guard, and more than that, it’s an excuse to see Scott again. One last chance to change his mind about the stupid plan that’s literally killing him.

Jimmy dives in without thinking, scrabbling around until his fingers close around the smooth stone and thin band. When he pulls it out, the gem glitters in the starlight even under the layers of dirt, and it looks like something special. It looks like hope.

[heraldofzaun]

what are your thoughts on viktor and being neurodivergent? though like, obligatory disclaimer that if riot ever did come out and say that "hey! viktor is canonically [something]" that would be catastrophic but i think it is a little bit of fun for consideration

Oh! Well I like to think he's autistic, which is partially because I am too. (Of course in canon it would be catastrophic because haha, oh man, look at how they've treated Blitzcrank's biographies ever since they gave him an updated one. There's some coding in there, alright, and I am... not a fan...)

I’ve posted a lot of long posts recently (this is no exception) and this is also on a kind of tricky subject, so I’m readmore’ing it.

So anyways, while I have to admit that some of the reason why (my) Viktor is autistic is because I am - I think that you can make a general semi-convincing argument. Or I'm so wrapped up in my own interpretations that I can, at the least. Anyways, from here on out when I say Viktor I mean my personal take. Your mileage may vary on applying this to other interpretations.

(Also, thoughts on new lore Jayce's being kind of coded to be like, a stereotypical autistic dude? (If you have any I mean.) I don't like that Riot is doing it, of course, but I've seen a few good rehabilitative takes on it in fandom. @hamartio's Jayce springs to mind, because their Jayce has been developed over the years and also written by someone who like. Cares. Anyways, I have my own personal Jayce ideas that rely on his old lore so he's not really an asshole there, at least in those regards, so I don't really have many thoughts on new Jayce. I think new Viktor is... pretty coded as well, but it’s also insanely stereotypical. The whole “always working, always wants certainty, gets into automation not because he (primarily) wants to help those injured by catastrophes in Zaun but because the catastrophes interrupt his work” thing makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I’ll write sometime on why the rewrite of his lore fails, in my opinion, to hit upon the same themes of his first - would that be of interest to folks? Anyways, this parenthetical is too long.)

I think that autistic Viktor is cool and makes sense, somewhat because of the fact that the ways he goes about solving his problems are, er, unorthodox. (Of course I am not saying that the GE is because he’s autistic, because that’s stupid. This is why I’m kind of squirrely about talking so openly about what I think Viktor’s got going on, and why I don’t really trust if a non-autistic person headcanons him as autistic. There’s a lot of room for that headcanon to just reinforce the “autistic people are supergeniuses with no emotions that work based off of Facts and Logic” trope, and I hate that.) Since a lot of autism is about feeling adrift from/at odds with neurotypical society, I think that Viktor’s general solutions and also his idealistic leanings in the face of everything Zaun is tracks for that. Roboticization makes sense as a way to stop suffering and death, because it’s more achievable than individual feats of immortality through magic or whatever. Viktor doesn’t really get why people would be so opposed to it - he’s made it clear that while he dislikes his own emotions and wants them gone, he doesn’t expect others to cast off theirs. (Maybe he expected that when he was in the thick of his emotional pain, mostly because he couldn’t imagine others choosing differently than he at the time, but not in the current day.)

Of course, externally, when the scary cyborg man who admits to cutting off his own limbs says “no, being a robot is cool, you can keep your emotions even”, any Zaunite (or any person) is going to interpret that as “he is definitely lying”. Viktor doesn’t quite make that leap. (I have thoughts on the whole Theory of Mind concept and I don’t mean to say that Viktor can’t empathize - he does, and does too much - with others, but I think that in this instance he just can’t quite understand sometimes why people don’t believe him.) He also doesn’t quite get why people would be so attached to the bodies that they’re currently in, especially if he can make a mechanical replica. Or why people might want to die and pass into non-existence after a life well lived. (To him, personally, there’s always more to do. Also he’s terrified of death but that’s another topic.)

I also think that Viktor’s empathy is of the hyper- rather than hypo- kind, partially because I feel like outside of self-advocacy groups the mere concept of autistic hyperempathy is seen as like... impossible? It’s also because he generally seems to be kind of an emotional guy in canon before Stanwick, what with the lore saying that “almost no trace of the original man remained” in reference to Viktor reemerging as someone without emotions. That, combined with the fact that he was described as having a “hope to better society” before everything went down, kind of makes me believe that he was a naive idealist type. (Again, not that autism makes you naive, but...) But yes, hyperempathy. Hence "no pain, no wars, no suffering, no death” being part of his ideology for the Glorious Evolution. He gets pretty ripped up about people being hurt, and it’s really only gotten worse over the years as he’s grasped the full scope of pain in the world.

Personally, I write pre-Stanwick-incident Viktor as someone who is still somewhat awkward with expressing emotion, but it’s not due to him not having them. It’s due to the fact that the ways in which he naturally expressed them and in which he interacted with the world were just... seen as odd/different/etc. (I don’t think Runeterra has an autism diagnosis or particularly excellent psychology, even in Piltover and Zaun, so he just gets the “you’re a weird dude” treatment for his entire life.) Stimming or smiling a certain way or talking a lot about his interests or, you know, the general autistic existence is weird to most people around him, as it unfortunately is in real life. So he’s more reserved until you actually know him, because he’s just masking all the time. (Fun fact about my Viktor: he’s pretty expressive under that actual mask of his. It helps to not have to micromanage expressions all the time when he isn’t experiencing a bout of flat affect due to [gestures vaguely at everything else going on with his mental state], although he sometimes feels poorly about not being able to manage himself. But that’s his issues, and I think it’s good for him to show emotion.)

Side note - Stanwick was able to do such a number on Viktor due to: a) Stanwick being very charismatic and manipulative, on top of being an actually smart man and scientist - he’s really a great example of a “good Zaunite”, in the sense of being good at being what the culture rewards, b) Viktor actively dealing with the death of his parents and Stanwick being an older adult who’d treated him kindly and had never seemed put-off by Viktor’s oddities, and c) Viktor not realizing that he’d get backstabbed, because yes he knows that that happens in academia but Stanwick’s nice. Whether or not the outcomes would have been the same if Viktor were more competent at being “a good Zaunite”... well, probably not. Viktor ended up where he did because of who he is.

(Secondary side note: Viktor has a very strong and very black-and-white sense of what’s right and wrong, as well as general black-and-white thinking. You can see how that would have... not helped in the situations he was put through.)

This is getting kind of rambling, but I guess the point of this is that Viktor’s wanting to remove his emotions may be cloaked in the language of them being “inefficient” or “unhelpful”, which would feed into autistic stereotypes, but it’s really more of a matter of them being too painful and raw for him to process. He feels too much and hurts too much, and no amount of positive emotions in the world will (in his mind) make up for the pain he’s felt and will feel. So it’s better to not feel anything at all, isn’t it? At least then you aren’t overwhelmed by it all.

Viktor just hasn’t fit in with Zaun for all his life, really. Not as an odd child who can tell you all about science-fiction and techmaturgy, not as an odd and reserved teenager/young adult, not as a bright young doctoral student still dealing with grief but trying to make the best of it, and... not as the Machine Herald. But now he’s given up on trying to fit in, for better or for worse.

(Other miscellaneous and less serious autistic thoughts on him: generally a pretty fixed diet, partially due to being autistic but also due to what’s easily available in Zaun + what agrees with his stomach. A fan of weight and pressure - I like to think that the reason his outfit is like that is that he finds it comforting, and also that he has a weighted blanket or two around. Special interests of general techmaturgy, robotics, and science-fiction. He can talk for hours about any of those, and has. Both his parents were mildly spectrum-y, his mother a little bit moreso, so they just kinda assumed that him being him was out-of-the-ordinary and a bit strange but not something “horribly wrong”. Oh! And his third arm, which is under a little less conscious control than the rest of him, still stims sometimes when he’s working or otherwise not paying attention to it.)

This was very long and jumped around a lot, because I find it hard to give a convincing paragraph-by-paragraph argument about exactly why I think that Viktor is autistic, or rather why I headcanon him as such. But hopefully it was interesting! I just have a lot of thoughts on him, as well as the general state of autistic-coded or perceived-as-autistic-by-individuals (both allistic and autistic) characters in media and so it’s very hard to do anything concise without branching out into discussing other topics.

[dappersheep]

Food Fantasy: An Analysis on what killed a Golden Goose (3/3)

Ladies and gentlemen, we've arrived at our final destination.

Again before we start, we have our obligatory disclaimers. I do not own the game or its characters, nor do I claim to know the true history and likely fate of this game. I am entitled to the thoughts and opinions written within this post. Feel free to agree or disagree with the points being made.

This post also remains untagged from the main foofan tag. Only my followers will see this.

We are in the third and final stretch, and the checkpoint is past the cut.

Community

So... here we are, fellow Master Attendants.

As consumers of this piece of entertainment media, we are free to enjoy it however we wish. Appreciating what is there, creating something new from what exists, playing the game by the meta or however you want to play it (within your means and at your own risk of course). There's no one true and absolute way to experience the game.

However, just as you can enjoy something, doesn't mean you can't also point out flaws or shortcomings of the media in question. As an active veteran player, I've already pointed out the many gameplay design flaws  already. And I'd be pretty dumb to say that Food Fantasy's writing is perfect. Hell, it has a lot of holes from a worldbuilding consistency standpoint. 

And what of things from the community side? Yes, there will be times you'd see content you consider cringe, or something in fanon you don't agree with. Or there happens to be fan theories and fangirling posts you don't like the take of because of X or Y.

And that's fine. If we all happen to play the same way, like the same thing, agree on the same thing and produce the same thing, well, this would be one helluva boring community, wouldn't it?

But what if someone decides the way you're playing the game is wrong and harasses you over it? What happens if someone decides that their interpretation of the game's flavor text and lore is more important than what anyone else thought about it? What happens if someone decides that they're absolutely right, and you and everyone else who disagrees deserves to be bullied out of the fandom?

As much as I want to say we aren't part of the problem why the game is deteriorating, we are unfortunately, part of the reason why the game is as such even if most of the blame is directed towards Funtoy and Elex themselves.

⦁ Whale Authority. Whales will always be part of a gacha game's ecosystem. Without them, the game won't be able to maintain its upkeep costs, moreso  for one that services global regions instead of just one. But when a game decides to cater its decisions of what features should be prioritized and when it should be launched around only its most elite paying players' voices  -even if that influence has since tapered off-, you know there is something wrong with the publisher's management team and priorities.

⦁ Interguild drama. While I did not personally follow any of this, this has certainly been the peak of in-game tension back in the day. Poaching good players from both competitive and smaller guilds, guild mergers that often ended up making the annexed guild/s the equivalent of UK colonized India or Australia, suck-ups chummying up to guild leaders to keep a spot in an active, high ranking guild (for bragging rights!) despite never contributing much to overall damage, and just general dislike of certain players' attitudes. Actions like this have disillusioned many players about their playing experience and the reason why many eventually just lost the motivation to log into FooFan.

⦁ Cheaters. You know very well about the Hacker-teme I've mentioned before, but that was in context of Elex being incompetent with dealing with them. Here, I would like  to point out the players who are desperate to dominate  the playing field for whatever reason to the point that they would resort to cheating the ranks with forceful modifications of the APK. Whether it is to rank high in catacombs weekly, get a top spot in daily disaster damage, or weasel their way into the competitive whale ranks of a major ranking event, these are the people who have no qualms messing with the code to give themselves an easier time with the game. And if they're caught? Some pretend that they've made a mistake, some quickly sell the account to escape the blame, some others just scamper away into the dark and hide in the lower ranks where they can't be found. Others simply don't care and keep cheating until Elex decides to finally ban them... if Elex ever decides their rebates score isn't worth saving the account.

⦁ Ship wars. Ah yes, a staple of drama in any fandom. There doesn't need much explanation to this as we've all had our fair share of running into a battleground in whatever fandom we visit. Someone ships BB52 wholeheartedly? Nope, problematic 'age gaps'. Someone likes Napoleon with Pastel? Someone's bound to misinterpret their bios in order to justify that Napoleon was being abusive. Spaghetti and Borscht? Borscht is minor coded, ship her with Vodka instead. Whiskey and Pizza or Cassata? Cancelled! And I've never heard of the Foe Yay trope or pretend I don't know about it! Rarepairs? Disgusting! No fanon in my canon playground! Turkey and Eggnog? Gasp! How dare you, you pedo-shipper-even-though-you-never-said-you-shipped-them-romantically-but-that-isn't-my-point!

⦁ Character Obsession: Bias. On one hand, you love a character so much. Relate to a character so much. You have thus pulled this character into the folds of your bosom and coo at them like a mother dove and get so minutely triggered if someone so much as makes one disagreeable or joking comment about the character that you fly into an overreactive ballistic rage that would make a Canadian goose honk in fear. You don't care what they are in canon. You don't care about the possibility of mistranslation. What matters is the fanon space you carved out for them to exist in and that's all that matters. The problem with this is when this obsession takes over common sense and social etiquette and it steps into harassment territory. You begin to think: I'm the only one who 'understands' the character. I'm the only one who wishes better for the character, everyone else is out to defame them! Oh wait, you like them too? Do you like them the way *I* like them? No? Maybe if you're my 'friend', I'd let it slide. But to everyone else? No one else has the right to like them as much as I do. No one! Never mind that they're completely fictional- No one hurts my bias because in turn, they're hurting *me*!

⦁ Character Obsession: Anti. On the other hand, you hate a character so much. This character just makes you see so much red. Their smug little smirk just makes your blood boil. Their fictional backstory makes you recoil in disgust. You hate that someone else loves a character you hate so much.  You cannot *believe* that someone could be so daringly stupid to like a problematic character. They must be problematic too then. They must be hiding real life secrets that are problematic! Yes, yes. That's right. That person's a supporter of abuse. That person's into pedophilia. That person is into military lolita fashion that Japan started the trend of but clearly Japan was part of the Axis Powers! And that... that person... that person... is a roleplayer and a yaoi fangirl properly interacting with minors and adults. How dare they...!

⦁ Fan Translations.  Normally it wouldn't be a problem that a group or two or several are translating pieces of the game's lore ahead of the official. But with Elex's very delayed translations and extreme allergic reactions to translating Food Soul bios, people have become dependent on fan-translation groups to get their fix. The problem herein lies... is when the translators get drunk off the power that they are one of a handful in a small community who can magically transcribe the oriental moonrunes into English. The problem starts when the translator starts to have an inclination. The problem starts when the translator loses their professional detachment and start adding in details here and there into the fan translated product that ultimately changes the meaning and direction of the entire story. The problem is also escalated when that translator's embellished product is touted as the truth by their followers. If there was an upcoming character whose backstory is connected to a character they hated (either because of someone or they just don't like the character) and you were hoping to read the fan translation? How would you know that what you get isn't something doctored to the point it's basically fanfiction?

⦁ Social Justice Vigilantism. Sometimes someone does not have a character obsession or need it to be annoying. Sometimes, someone just wants to ring the alarm over something they find 'problematic' in order to police and sanitize the enjoyment of the media for 'everyone'. They no longer really take enjoyment out of a new Food Soul design being leaked, they no longer read the lore just to enjoy what it has to offer. Instead, they nitpick bits and pieces of the design and point it out repeatedly as a reason why the whole thing is bad. They point out bits of the story and inject their interpretations of it without really comprehending what they've read in full and react badly to it. What's worse is that they have no qualms publicly posting their reactions and eagerly and hungrily await those likes and echoes of agreement that they were right.

⦁ Circles of Influence. Everyone has a group they eventually gravitate to in a fandom. It comes with its own pros and cons. Sometimes you join a group because someone you admire is in there, sometimes you join a group because you just want to mingle and see more content. All valid reasons. Arguments can't be avoided in a group, it has to happen... But you have to take care. You have to take care to feel the change in the air of the group. When someone starts pushing people to agree with them. When your most admired people start to feel overly sensitive about certain characters or issues. When you start to feel obligated to spy on other groups outside of this one for 'nonbelievers', 'traitors' and 'heretics' who do not think the way this group does, and that bringing back bits and pieces of gossip as offerings would somehow make you more favored in the eyes of the inner clique or remain inside it. There is a gripping sense of annoyance when that person comes in to complain but you can't do anything about it but nod and agree. There is a pervading sense of fear and apprehension of overstepping an invisible boundary. There is fear that you might be next on the chopping block, after witnessing one of the others being ganged up on and thrown out without a second thought, their name spat upon like they're worth less than dirt. And so reluctant you are to give up what you have with them that when they push you to do something you are reluctant to do, all in the name of 'harmony and justice'... You do it. Even though it would mean offering yourself up to the mob with no salvation, and the stark realization that... [they] never cared about you as a friend.

And we've come to the end of this analysis trilogy. The writing got a little bit strange in this post, but honestly this is the best way I could put it. I'm aware things can and will be more complicated than the bullet points I've written but I'm just one person and I tried very hard to keep details of all the drama that happened in this fandom as vague as possible. Of course, that wouldn't work if you know what I am talking about.

The community is quiet now for the most part, the game is somewhere between limbo and the living plane. Things could be better for us, but I don't really count on it.

I wish I could leave a bit of a moral warning or something. But rather than do that, I just hope this was an entertaining read into one individual's eyes into Food Fantasy and everything that makes it up.