#ill fix it back tomorrow
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HEY
HAVE MY (STILL VERY SHORT BUT WORKING ON IT BUT ALSO ITS 11 PM AND I WANNA POST THIS RIGHT NOW) CHILAIOS PLAYLISTS 🔥🔥🔥🔥
#today i learned that you cannot share a link to a spotify playlist folder???#anyways. the folder is called phios weirdo chilaios playlists#idk if you can search it up or if its private i have no clue how spotify works but SHRUG#anyways uh have fun with these HAHAHA#i wanna make cover art for each playlist but once again it is 11 pm (also i dont have my tablet)#oh yeah side note#the campfire playlist is just how i imagine them having a conversation#it starts out awkward and then theres a rise in the middle and then it falls back down#well at least thats what its supposed to be I WAS RUSHING ALRIGHT#ill fix it tomorrow#chilaios#ENJOY !!!#i still need to add a lot more but guhhhh
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I found my very first sketch of Jay w hanahaki after my friend Jem told me about their hanahaki au. I guess u could say it was like. the prototype of the full comic
#rotten art#comics#get jumped get kicked get whipped to shit and spin#ninjago#lmao linked back Jems blog and post but too lazy to link my own comic lol#maybe ill fix it tomorrow if i remember
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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I have a copy of Minecraft: Story Mode season 2 LETS GOOOOO
#galaxy rambles#minecraft story mode#Minecraft#mcsm#mcsm s2#Minecraft story mode season 2#im either gonna start playing it today or tomorrow#its a long game and I wanna finish this week before school starts#there will probably be save glitches just like s1 and ill probably have to play till chapter checkpoints rather than the other saves#bc TELLTALE CANT FIX IT APPARENTLY#even though theyre technically back in business#at least I get to play the admin chapters rather than just watching a random YouTuber play it#i also now have the FNAF core collection and MLP Maratime bay adventure#so i can play em all!
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family outing
#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza series#yakuza like a dragon#yakuza 7#masato arakawa#masumi arakawa#jo sawashiro#snap sketches#HI this the second comic i was talkin bout :)#anyway i just love the arakawa family.. theyre all so goofy and twisted...#i wanna draw them more so bad but i have to do a commission tomorrow :(((#shouldnt take long tho.. then im drawin jo prob causei have images in my head#in review i prob shouldnt have given masumi his glove since this is supposed to be before ichi#buuut too late to go back to fix it now#dont think anyone cares enough anyway LMAO but ill make a mental note for myself in the future#anyway nighty night
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Ready for the Winter Quest?
#took about 40 minutes to get the game functional#roblox did kinda crash#roblox dress to impress#dress to impress#dti#dti roblox#roblox dti#actually might try the quest tomorrow#the quest lobby is still very buggy for me#particularly the saved outfits feature#tried to wear the outfit shown in the ss but it just#loaded weird#like with many of the pieces missing and miscoloured#worst part being its stuck like that for now so#yeah Ill check back in like tmr#hopefully they'll fix that
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there need to be more hours in the day
#my prof just emailed me back after i submitted my problem set early#and he was like hey heres a bunch of mistakes you might want to fix before the due date#which is great and super considerate#but also i physically dont have time to fix it and do everything else i want to do#ill probably have to give up my free time and lose a few hours of sleep#which i cant really afford right now#but it is what it is i guess#bc i also have a paper due on sunday#and i have lab in 17 minutes#and i have p.e. tomorrow evening#and i have rehearsal after p.e. and the following nights until saturday night#and the problem set is due on thursday#and im busy during the day on saturday#and possibly also on sunday#literally when am i going to write this paper 😨😨😨😨
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i finally came up with a solution for the image sizes
#it was bothering me so much#and i was like getting ready to just let it be messed up when i opened the site#and then fix it later#but it clicked in my head i should just store the image sizes on the database#anyways okay#im tired for today so ill come back to this tomorrow or thursday#btw!!! i named the bunny guy#theyre arlie now#instead of bunny guy lol#everyone is named now#gamedev#webdev
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Sleepy berry time
#because I know if i stay up longer ill get worse mentally and. man idk if I can handle that#psych appointment tomorrow save me. save me psych appointment#i am still doing incredibly badly. duality of wanting so much attentuon but also needing so much space#because im fragile i know it im not doing well and only recently got back on meds#and if i get bad mentally i will get bad physically and i dont. want to get sick.#like this is honesyly the worst ive been in two years#maybe even four years#i am very very scared of people and have very bad trust issues#regrettably my barriers and walls are back up. so i just kind of am not saying shit ever and barely interacting or showing emotion#time will probably fix me but im so impatient. Usually id be stubborn and ignore it. but im so scared and nothing can be done#anyways all these tags just to say im going to sleep
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...
#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit#we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today#luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying#so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem#canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine#think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say#but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart#i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess#its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad#it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl#like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this#i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away#i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster#unrelated
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#this is genuinely the dumbest thing i’ve ever made#i crack myself up#disabled lesbian#cripple punk#this better fix my back problems#that feeling when knee surgery is tomorrow#chronic illness#disabled#cripple shit#Going from Hs to Cs hopefully#Can’t wait to not have to wear a bra#hopefully my prosture will improve
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I feel like people make too many 'Batman beats up the mentally ill/poor people' jokes and they've forgotten that Batman/Bruce Wayne DOES care about people, so I've decided to share one of my favorite old Batman comic issue so far
It's from 1937 Detective Comics #53 (tw for suicide attempt) (obviously it's from 1937 some bits are dated)
This comic opens with Bruce talking with a reporter friend of his who believes Gotham is "A cold and heartless place" where " everybody rushes about not caring at all about anybody else". Bruce says he's wrong and he wishes he could prove it to him.
Later Batman is patrolling at his favorite haunt, the waterfront, and he sees a lady jump off the pier trying to kill herself. Obviously he's Batman so he jumps in to save her.
He gets her back to the shore, calms her down and asks her why she would jump off the pier, She ends up telling him. Her name is Viola Vane, she is originally from a small town, and she came to Gotham to make it as a actress but it's hasn't worked out as she hoped. But the problem being she told her parents she was doing great but now they are coming to see her and she doesn't want to break theirs hearts.
Now Batman being Batman, and being able to kill two birds with one stone, decides to help her.
The rest of the night Batman goes around the city telling people about Viola's problem. He goes to nightclub after nightclub, he goes to the radio station, he goes to the news paper, and they all agree to help.
Obviously she'll need an escort (because it's the 30s idk) so he asks of anyone knows someone and a guy offers up the "bit lazy but wealthy and good looking" Bruce Wayne
The man says Bruce will be perfect. Batman thinks it'll work because he can watch over her without being Batman, so he says he'll get Bruce Wayne to be her escort.
As Bruce he goes to meet her, takes her to get ready and everyone gets into character, giving her a suite, clothes, furs and jewelry. Bruce tells her about the plan.
The next day her parents come and they meet up with Viola and Bruce. They go around the city and then end up at a Nightclub where everyone is in on the charade
They make it's seem like Viola is the guest of honor, applauding her and shining the spot like on their table.
(There's a subplot about someone trying to steal the stuff in Viola's room, if you wanna read it all go read if for yourself)
But the next night Batman went as far as to get Viola the staring roll in a show in the theater she was an understudy for.
It ends with Viola getting the lead in the show, her parents being none the wiser of Gotham little charade to make Viola appear as a star and Jim learning Gotham has heart
#tw suicide mention#suicide mention#comics#dc comics#robin#tim drake#batman#bruce wayne#dick grayson#red robin#jason todd#nightwing#detective comics#batcavescolony reads comics#ive been known to do that sometimes#ill fix any spelling and add the rest of the captions tomorrow. its 2am and i gotta get to sleep#its funny how my posts always end up being made at like 2am. im a nightowl.#also this makes it so obvious that Gotham used to be NYC. like they talk about the state building and 5th avenue. now days Gotham its NJ#bob kane#idk i just like it. nice bruce/batman doing good for somone moment. dc bring that back so we can have the true batman back#i put way too much effort into this and its probly gonna get like 5 likes. eh whatever ┐( ̄ー ̄)┌.#again ill fix it later
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barely an hour at work and already on the brink of another breakdown i need to quit this fucking job and/or perhaps kill myself
#my boss told me i work too much overtime and i agree but also i am literally the only trained person on kitchen and unless we're fully#booked im alone and have to do everything myself and if theres a task i cant finish its waiting there for me tomorrow to pick back up plus#literally everything else bc everything in this hotel is fucking broken so i cant even do everything on time like this fucking dishwasher is#now broken for the what?? tenth time this summer???? hello???? so the dishes keep piling up and up and up and i have to do them later#whenever the technician shows up but that all goes toward extra time that i cant do certain tasks#pkus the night guard is incompetent as fuck every single morning theres so many mistakes i need to fix and i always have to clean up his#parts as well bc he never finishes breakfast on time and then leaves the kitchen looking like a mess#and the buffet looks like shit bc even though i tell him a million times how hes supposed to put things he keeps doing them differently and#BADLY on top of that so the buffet looks like someone just threw up some food on it in random order like i cant keep coming an hour early#just to hold your hand through the process of putting prepared food in the designated spaces youve been here for a month now at some point#youre gonna have to be able to fucking do this every time i come an hour early thats an hour i work longer every day bc of course all the#cleaning up after breakfast is done doesnt get any shorter#and then on top of THAT apparently im now responsible for ordering shit for the entire hotel and running meetings and oh yeah im also#supposed to watch over reception tomorrow WHILE doing breakfast. fantastic. thats gonna go so well i cant wait 👍🏻#and im also working on sunday btw. so cool. bc clearly im so well adjusted and also mentally stable that i dont need a weekend or whatever.#and its fully booked with one of the most important businesses in town so like no pressure no pressure#and of course the boss is on vacation bc she somehow is always on vacation during the busiest days which is also so cool of her to do#also did i mention no one is ever gonna love me and ill die alone bc i only fall for people i can never be with#but also thats cool and chill and i dont even care 👍🏻
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screaming in the club
time for another vent in tags
#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO#i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe#n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th#ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a#utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai#ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell#like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc#then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no#food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it#harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now.#the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats#fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS.#all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY#SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf#the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther#es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much.#i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the#bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and#no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh#it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression#i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat.#im so close to snapping on them at this point#i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT#everything has gone to shit#vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.
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SOME STUPID TROLLSONA DOODLES !?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!? except most of them are @eebie trollsona.................. well wghatever -_- hi eebie
#wanted 2 get these out of my head bc im leaving home tomorrow and i might not be back for weeks#so then i wont b able to draw ANYTHING#doodle#zairku edjera#hiemsi nugaen#hehehe. thats eebies awesome trollsona ^__^#also hi i know u already had a lusus but there were a lot of other ones too and i wanted to pay attention 2 them#also HOLD UP FORGOT A DRAWING !!!!!!!!!!!!!! post cancelled im going back 2 drawing ill be back in Too long probably#ok i fixed it ^_^ hehehe#oknow i need 2 go and pack a bunch of stuff ummm bye evaryone.......#there was also ANOTHER drawing i wanted to make. but i dont have time#also i KNOW none of these are full drawings STILL but like. im getting there ok
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good god my sleep schedule is fucked, 6:30 am and my meds should be kicking in but they're not and i really need to fix this
#alex yells at the void#i know exactly why but if i pretend i dont maybe it will go away#who would have thought that an extremely retraumatizing experience would fuck with my head certainly not me /s#ill just stay strong tomorrow and not get drunk and then pop some of my good sleeping pills at like eleven#hopefully that'll fix this fucking mess#unfortunately i am experiencing emotions constantly and i cannot make it stop#my chest feels like a black hole sucking me in while simultaneously spitting me back out#anyway i should shut up and try to sleep i guess#if i can get my brain to be quiet long enough to fall asleep
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