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"She's the sum of all my dreams come true. She has everything that I've ever lost." (Quote from the movie adaptation of The Idiot by Akira Kurosawa, 1951)

As soon as I finished the movie, all my feelings about The Idiot and Nastasya came flowing back and I sat down to make the first sketch that would become this.

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black sorrow

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Gay rights win! Arsonist and fireman in love

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long time no post.. life updates? grad school really is kicking my butt</3 i finished up my first year tho and am currently taking classes over the summer semester as well. i'm trying to pick myself back up and be more alive again, but it has been difficult honestly hahaha

it's funny bc halfway through last semester, i thought i had to drop out of grad school or else i was going to kms, but here i am still in school and still alive! also ofc with all the protests more recently (free palestine!), i think i was just so drained of everything. on the other hand, i'm happy with the papers i had written in my classes and i just submitted one of them to a philosophy and education conference, i really hope it gets accepted... i also just paid my overdue housing fees and tuition for the summer semester.. LOL help

readings updates? i read milton's "paradise lost" over last semester for a class and it was absolutely brilliant honestly. genuinely i need to read the bible LOL anyway i had started reading iris murdoch's "the black prince" but i haven't been able to continue reading past the nussbaum's intro since my classes started again. i also really desperately want to read steinbeck's "east of eden" hahaha but i only have time to read stuff i have to read for classes. i imagine that i wont be able to finish reading dostoyevsky's "the idiot" and tolstoy's "anna karenina" either until after i graduate... it makes me a little bit sad, i wish i had more time. i guess that's why i haven't posted anything here either, since the reason i made a tumblr account in the first place last year was to ramble about "the brothers karamazov" and "my brilliant friend" and i havent read a single book for fun this year so far</3

admittedly, i've been feeling sooo alone..! one of the things on my summer bucket list is to start seeing a therapist but i still cant get myself to do it hahaha i dont think theres anything a therapist could say to me that i havent already thought about to myself. i think what i actually need is get diagnosed, is it autism or personality issues or ocd..? but what do i know, right! regardless.. i'm also just so busy with my jobs and with my classes and with resting by self isolating in all the times between.

hmm i've gotten five more piercings since the start of the year and i've been somewhat keeping track of time based on when i got my piercings and when i'll get my next one... i don't know what this means but it's just been a little concern of mine that i can't seem to ground myself unless i can feel a part of my body "healing"...

also.. happy pride! global queer liberation! ahh, happy pride to fellow aroace ppl! haha thats another thing ive come to terms with recently. as far as my "summer bucket list" goes besides potentially seeing a therapist, i'd like to kiss somebody, get my hair dyed, get more piercings haha, go to a club wearing just a binder and a mini skirt, get back into learning calc and sketching..! alright, i think that's all for life updates here... tbh this is probably more for me to vent hahaha all the best wishes

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Huge shout to my friend from an undergraduate philosophy program who started working out every single day, not for health benefits or to become conventionally attractive or whatever, but because -- and this is a direct quote -- he was concerned that otherwise he might "become lost in the world of signs and forget the things they signify". I have thought about this every single time that I've worked out since.

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ahh i havent really been using tumblr, mostly bc my first semester of grad school was overwhelming, but i have a lot on my mind right now that i feel like organizing and typing up hahaha

for certain reasons, i usually get overly anxious when the year ends and go crazy insane for the entire first month of the year.. but ive been so calm these days, im not actually sure if thats bc ive actually healed or if ive found good distractions. ive always been obsessed with at least appearing as if im put together, but ive been much more so this year than any other year... i hope ive been actually healing despite that tho hahaha

anyway! studying philosophy in grad school has been the most excitement ive ever felt! to be surrounded by so many thoughtful and inspiring ppl that i get to often talk to and listen to and learn from has been so wonderful. in the past months ive been esp obsessed with kants conception of perfection and god and goodness... im currently reading his "a new elucidation of the first principles of metaphysical cognition" and aaahh its just so exciting hahaha i really regret not studying philosophy for my undergrad degree and i worry i lack so much compared to my peers, but ive been enjoying every single class so far and am even more excited for my classes next semester!

ahh but having two part time jobs along with my classes and classwork has really made me so busy and exhausted... i quite dislike nyc in general as well, so that on top of everything else has just really made me become someone very antisocial and difficult to befriend and hang out with... im also stuck in the mindset that im just here to prioritize studying for two years and get the hell out of there, so my desire to make close friends (i socialize with my program mates superficially..) has been very low. im very much someone who wont speak/reach out unless spoken to/approached, and i didnt realize it was a such a huge problem until i received a wake up call from someone... so i think this year i need to work on being more aware of the relationships i have with other ppl in my life.

in general tho, i also just would like to be more aware of living in my body/physical self... less zoned out and stuck in my head, more going outside and moving around and cleaning up the spaces i use and ofc also being with others. i guess what i actually mean is that i want to have more faith in my being and actually love being... and these are just some things i can do to hopefully do that. i dont think i can be the kind of person i want to be that makes an actual difference/contribution in the world they live in if im not actually living/being in my body.

anyway i think thats all i have to say for now? i look forward to this upcoming year... continuing my studies in grad school and going back home to taiwan for the summer in between those two semesters. itll be so busy and difficult and exciting! i just get the feeling that its okay for me to have wishful thinking and high hopes for myself this year hahaha

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you poor thing

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hi can you recommend me your fav novel or work of literature for october?

oh my goodness i am so sorry!!!! ive just saw this and november is already almost over too... :( grad school is really something hahaha

but to answer honestly tho, i tend not to read anything outside of assigned readings for my classes until the winter/summer break.. so i dont think ive read any books in the past octobers. i suppose there are some books that i might associate with this season tho? but i think its the usual classics that get mentioned, like wuthering heights, crime and punishment, etc?

im sorry this was a really uninteresting response but i wanted to say thank you for asking! i dont think i read enough to really give anyone proper book recommendations, so im a bit honored hahaha but it was fun to somewhat think about it, and i do enjoy receiving recommendations from others too, if you happen to have favorite books for any month, id be happy to hear them too! :) im looking forward to the winter break and beginning my hopeful reading list once this semester is over hahaha anyway, take care wherever you are, all the best to you!

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did you know they say calculus is the language of God. did you know they tried to hold math up to infinity like a candle to the void. did you know statisticians plunged into the vastness of random chance and picked out patterns and equations and eight hundred ways to tell you how big your inevitable errors are and how far off those guesses at errors might be. math haters I can't sit with you anymore. human innovation is cradled in these ancient, methodical, desperate attempts at understanding what we are not designed to understand

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Thinking about the importance that words, and especially words to telling stories have as a theme in all the Neapolitan Novels; thinking about the fact that Lenù is writing not only as an act of revenge against Lila, and against Lila's wish to disappear specifically, but also in a desperate attempt to force Lila to make an appearance, one last time, even if it's only through a computer and only for correcting Elena and telling her she's writing everything wrong.

The narration it's basically a cry for Lila for coming back- but it's also a conscious decision that Elena is making that, if Lila will never coming back, she shouldn't be allowed to erase herself from the world. Lila can't disappear without Lenù's permission or approval because Lila is part of Lenù , because they are mirrors and rivals and each other's shadows and enemies and sisters and platonic lovers all at once, and theirs stories and personalities have been so interconnected through the years that it's impossible for each of them to destroy herself without destroying the other.

At first Elena write of Lila as an act of revenge, because due all the ways they are connected to each others Lila's desire to erase herself from the world is perceived by Lenù as a act of cruelty specifically toward her, and then as a revenge she does the only thing Lila has always told her to not do, the thing that Lila will never forgive her for: writing about her and their life-long complicated friendship.

Lila made Lenù promised to never write about her because being written is the only thing that could made vain her attempt to disappear and erase her existence from the world.

Lenù is writing about her because Lila is disappeared and has tried to erase herself from the world. At first as an act of petty revenge (as always between Lila and Lenù) but then as an act of justice toward Lila's herself- an a unwanted but necessary homage.

Because the world should know about Lila, that big scary world outside the neighborhood that has been unfair to Lila, and that Lila herself had rejected. Lenù is the only one who can make the world know about Lila's genius, about her ability to feel both deep hatred and deep love, about her generosity and her selfishness, about her charming charisma and her unspeakable pain, about her machiavellian way to mess in the neighborhood dynamics, about and her distructive rages and her entuxiastic nature, about her grief and her ability to cruelty, about her desire to help and her instabile moods, about her cynism and her affection.

It doesn't matter, in the end, if Lila is alive or dead: all the people that she used to know are dead or completely uninterested in her fate. Even if she's alive, she may as well been dead for the world. Can our lives really matter if ourselves being alive or dead don't matter to anyone?

So Elena doesn't try to find Lila- she try to writes her down; so even if all her people she used to know will die or forget about her, the world will know. And Lila- her memory, her exhistence, her imagine, her story- will live.

I'm not saying that Elena writing about Lila as both a desperate cry for help to her and a desire to saving her from the oblio is like Orpheus singing through the Ade to save Euridice from this place or maybe forcing her to come outside- but it's basically what I'm saying.

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okay its been forever since ive really posted anything (big life things! mental health stuff! etc!) but i just finished watching rymans club and wow i just need to sit and talk a little about it.

uhm its like... not the usual sports anime i guess? i only watched it bc i just wanted something really short and easy to watch and i used to play badminton, plus ive had this on my watch list since it came out hahaha. also... ngl i have never seen it being talked about anywhere.

tbh i really enjoyed it! hahaha but as a sports anime, i guess its not that spectacular? i do think theres a lot about this show i really liked tho. most sports anime are about highschoolers, and sports is really all they have their eyes on. its their whole life and dreams. meanwhile id say that for rymans club, where all the characters in this show are older and mostly have office jobs along with being in a badminton team... and the main cast take pride in being both on the badminton team /and/ in their sales team (they also come up with a new popular drink for their company during the show haha).

i thought i could guess the main themes from the start bc well.. ive played badminton and sports anime can be a little predictable, like value of teamwork and getting over trauma from previous tournaments and stuff. but i wasnt really expecting anything like valuing the work you do outside of sports (being a "badryman" aka badminton + salaryman LOL), or doing something more suitable for you (one guy gave it his all and still lost a game, and he realizes that he would enjoy becoming the team coach instead), or family responsibilities vs personal goals (one guy is a dad! he says he doesnt regret quitting badminton like a decade ago after marrying his wife and taking care of his son, but he realizes hes allowed to pursue his goals as well with his family supporting him), or even taking care and not pushing yourself (one guy is not that young anymore and has an injured knee). obviously, winning these badminton games mean a lot to them all, but like... for maybe a third of the show, these guys were also just in suits and doing their sales job in their office, which i found really nice?

also im fond of souta hahaha... probably bc hes an older brother, and hes generally not that energetic and doesnt really put his all into badminton. at one point he was like "do i even like playing badminton..?" which was honestly relatable... ahh. i think in a typical sports anime, such characters will somehow find it in them to enjoy the sports they play and give it their all. but this guy only really tried harder when his partner (his younger brother) was running out of energy and souta thinks that he must do his best to support his brother and win the game together. his younger brother really looks up to him, but he himself doesnt feel that confident in his abilities.

it was also pretty cute that tatsuru inspired mikoto to play badminton when mikoto was just a little kid? and then mikoto inspiring another random kid as well. like!!! yeah!!! as adults, be kind to kids and inspire them!!!

(btw i just adore tatsuru, like hes just such a dude.. i love characters like him LOL)

it was just a short 12 episode show, so we didnt get that much into each character background, and each character arc was pretty fast, as well as the games they played too hahaha but thats understandable.

anyway i have things i have to do... ahh i should end this here. yeah... rymans club... i miss playing badminton hahaha

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cloud types, 2021 print available + sale!

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hello! so ive never done this before and idk if this would really reach anyone, but i would love to have a penpal? but i kinda want to make it a rule that we wont ever direct message each other nor ever follow each others social media... i suppose what i want to do is: get to know someone purely from their handwritten words.

ahh unfortunately... dont expect anything cutely decorated from me if we're penpals. your letters will most likely only be a plain envelope. i think id be writing excessively in detail about my day/life and my thoughts/feelings about anything, and when i receive your letter, i hope to get a long letter about details from your life as well. so... if you would be open to something like that, please let me know hahaha

uhm! ig if you want to know what some of my interests are, you could scroll through my account? however, the point is that we dont know anything about each other and that everything we do learn about each other is purely through reading our handwritten letters. id prefer someone about my age (22) but any age is fine really. im currently in america, but id be happy to send letters internationally. altho do note that i can only write/read well in english and in little trad chinese.

anyway if anyone happens to see this and is interested... please! let me know! ill answer any questions if you have any. ive never done this before but i wish it to work out with someone somehow. its such a huge desire of mine to try learning about someone deeply without physically meeting and without any social media at all. its kinda a personal project/experiment to befriend someone this way, but i also am excited for whatever may come out of this! i know there isnt much appeal to this... however, if only one other person is excited about this idea, thats all i need. :)

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forgot i had tumblr sorry

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i wasn't gonna be insane about ivan again so soon but then i heard the song "i wanna be adored" by the stone roses and. i was possessed okay it's so ivancoded it hurts

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I liked the imagery in this Baudelaire passage

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kinda just wanted to ramble about "the idiot" by dostoyevsky before i actually start reading it! ive only read the introduction by the translator (richard pevear) at the moment but ahh my goodness. most of this is probably obvious and known facts about the book, but since i havent read it nor know much about dostoyevsky, im genuinely just really excited hahaha

the painting "the body of the dead christ in a tomb" by hans holbein the younger was mentioned to have really impacted dostoyevsky.. and ofc also for the book. i hadnt seen it, or heard of it actually, until then, and goodness.. its.. intense. idk if thats a good word to describe it, but i get why dostoyevskys wife thought he was about to have another epilepsy attack after staring at it for a long time without moving.

i think the big thing to dostoyevsky about the painting was "can you still believe in god if you saw the disfigured corpse of christ? can you still believe hed resurrect?" i mean, as someone who isnt christian, thats such a crazy and interesting thing to think about. like the contrast between our social reality and our beliefs about the divine. for dostoyevsky tho, considering what (i think) he believed in, this makes it even more interesting... like to write a book that discusses that painting, that had confronted your beliefs with something so extreme it leaves you pale and shocked. but getting over how youd feel seeing that painting would make your beliefs even stronger right?

anyway, i kinda already knew that the protagonist prince myshkin was to be a christ-like figure. like what if god were a man, just a man who would die like depicted in holbeins painting, and stay dead? even if he was perfect and ideal, but powerless?

the introduction also said a few things about rogozhin and ippolit and how they are defined in relation to that painting (along with prince myshkin), as well as how they are prince myshkins doubles? i dont know anything about the book and its other characters so far ofc, but im excited to meet them both!

unfortunately am still really busy for quite a few more days, or maybe for months? it was a nice break, but im excited to start grad school soon! ive just been packing these days... everything feels messy and im exhausted, but i should be able to start reading the book soon! ive had the copy in my hands for a few days already but have had too much going on to sit down and read it, however, i should be able to read it during my flight tmr! im excited to read this book hahaha i dont know why, i feel more excited to read this than i did for the brothers karamazov.

speaking of grad school... my old philosophy professor emailed me stuff to read (just intro philosophy things and about spinoza hahaha), which honestly made me really happy! but goodness, theres so much to read... and i know once school starts, ill be needing to read a lot for my classes too. part of me hopes to finish reading the idiot before my classes start.. but its unlikely hahaha