#actuallynpd

[autopsyfreak]

my anhedonia is eating me alive so i’m making these mental illness memes to cope

[daffythefox]

"you don't have to perform around me" sweetheart i have to perform in front of myself

[kindnessoverperfection]

Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.

I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.

The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.

Because it's so hard to exist in this world.

My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:

Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)

Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.

Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.

Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.

Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.

Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s

I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.

So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".

Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)

Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.

If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.

NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD

Stigma in the DSM

Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)

"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."

(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)

[necroticcadaver]

Do not claim to be a mental health advocate or a safe space for the mentally ill if you demonise systems, cluster B personality disorders and/or psychotic disorders.

[cruelbrutality]

I have no empathy, remorse, guilt or compassion.

That is how I experience things, as a result of my personality disorders.

If you are going to support personality disorders then you also must include people with these symptoms as well and not just the glorified version the media attempts to convey.

[ghostfacetheballfondler]

by the way. telling people to not use ableist language isn't silencing abuse victims or taking away their language.

narcissist abuse is just emotional abuse but with an ableist coat on it. i don't care if people don't think emotional abuse counts as real abuse, why not advocate for seeing emotional abuse as valid abuse instead? you are just playing into the "emotional abuse isn't real" crowd by saying narcissistic abuse instead.

and if you are advocating for narcissistic abuse to mean abuse at the hands of a narcissist and/or someone with npd(instead of it being a synonym for emotional abuse), then my question is why do we need a word for this? and there is no unique or special way for people with narcissists or pwnpd to abuse someone. because woah! would you look at that? it is just emotional abuse.

we live in a shitty ableist world which will use any excuse to harm those with mental disorders. i don't care if someone has the best intentions, i don't care if someone genuinely doesn't mean to implicate pwnpd when they talk about narcissistic abuse, it will still hurt us, so get over yourself and fucking stop.

and before the "narcissist doesn't equal npd!!" crowd comes in, i don't care about your language games, fuck off. but even if we accept that statement as true, people with npd will still get harmed by such language. npd and narcissism are and will always be linked to eachother. if you talk about the evils of narcissism, people will connect it with npd.

even if we change the name of npd it won't help. dissociative identity disorder is still widely known as multiple personality disorder. antisocial personality disorder is still widely known as socio/psychopathy. why would npd be any different?

(and idk. i think it is kinda shitty to be like "hey let's change the name of a disorder because i am too stubborn to say selfish instead of narcissist!!")

edit: if this wasn't clear, stop saying narcissistic abuse because it hurts pwnpd! you already have plain ol' abuse, emotional abuse, hell, even selfish abuse too! telling someone to stop saying narcissistic abuse isn't silencing anyone from talking about your abuse when you can literally just change one word and be fine! holy shit

[scaryinclusive]

WORDS TO USE INSTEAD OF NARCISSIST.

by @scaryinclusive.

presently, narcissist is a word used to define individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. a narcissistic individual is someone exhibiting traits or symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. due to its widespread use as a derogatory, dehumanising and stigmatising label, despite its original purpose, the use of 'narcissist, narcissism and narcissistic' as an adjective, especially in an insulting, derogatory way, is ableist, sanist and stigmatising.

why should you consider altering your vocabulary and stop using words like 'narcissist' as an adjective — especially a derogatory one? please read this informative post. help the npd community out by opting to utilise less harmful, stigmatising language in your speech and writing! please note: the following words listed are not synonyms with or indicative of npd symptoms or traits. but for the context 'narcissist' is typically socially applied to, they are a beneficial replacement. feel free to reblog.

arrogant. an exaggerated sense of one's own worth or importance. this can come across as overbearing, or socially inappropriate.

selfish. very concentrated on one's own personal profit or pleasure, typically lacking consideration for others.

self-absorbed. preoccupied with one's own interests, feelings or situations.

boastful. excessive pride and self-satisfaction in one's own achievements, possessions or abilities.

braggart. same as above, just a synonym. relating more to bragging than boasting.

conceited. alternative for vain, excessively proud of oneself.

egotistical. excessively conceited or absorbed in oneself. a synonym for self-centred.

haughty. acting superior in an arrogant, disdainful way.

insolent. rude, arrogant, showing a lack of respect.

ostentatious. a pretentious or showy display, an attempt to impress.

overconfident. excessively confident, an excessive certainty in one's abilities.

proud. a deep pleasure or satisfaction gained from one's own achievements, qualities or possessions.

self-confident. trusting in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.

self-important. an exaggerated sense of one's own value or importance.

superior. an overly high opinion of oneself. synonym for conceited.

vain. excessive high opinion of one's appearance, abilities or worth.

egocentric. thinking only of yourself, without regard for others' feelings or desires.

self-centred. preoccupied with oneself and one's affairs.

self-involved. preoccupied with oneself, not paying attention to anyone else.

smug. an excessive pride in oneself or one's achievements.

pompous. grand, self-important or solemn in a way that is insincere or pretentious.

self-serving. having concern for oneself and oneself only.

sycophant. someone who is too eager to praise or obey someone in order to gain an advantage.

complacent. smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one's achievements.

vainglorious. overlay vain, excessively proud of oneself.

obnoxious. extremely unpleasant.

egoistic. relating to egoism, preoccupied with oneself, synonymous with self-centred.

callous. showing or having an insensitive or cruel disregard for others.

cruel. wilfully or deliberately causing pain / suffering to others, potentially with no remorse.

abusive / emotionally abusive. extremely offensive or insulting. a form of interaction wherein the abuser is psychologically controlling, manipulating or harming you.

manipulative. exercising control or influence over another individual or situation. can be intentional but equally can be subconscious.

self-righteous. a certainty, especially an unfounded one, that one is totally correct or morally superior.

unsympathetic. not expressing, showing or feeling sympathy towards others or a situation.

toxic. poisonous, very harmful or unpleasant in a way that is pervasive or insidious.

insidious. the proceeding of something in a gradual, subtle way, but with extremely harmful effects.

malignant. very dangerous or harmful.

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

I think that a lot of people without NPD have a really poor understanding of "narc supply" or the specific type of positive attention that pwNPD crave. Even the egotypicals who are allies, the ones denounce narc abuse and anti-NPD ableism, don't fully grasp it.

There's this false idea that NPDs like to be worshipped and showered with compliments all of the time, and I mean, yeah, most of us would eat that shit up, but I know that for myself and a lot of other pwNPD it's deeper and much more, I guess, personal?

I don't really know how to describe it, so I'll give an example: As a kid, no one really paid attention to my creative endeavors, my accomplishments, my feelings, etc. And if they DID pay attention, the attention was negative. I could always do better, I could always be smarter, stronger, etc. This came from peers and adults alike. So I developed a coping mechanism where I would tell myself that everyone else was wrong, that I'm actually the best person around, etc. I don't have to explain what disorder I ended up with as an adult as a result of all of that. :P

But anyway - the wound of constantly being ignored at best and insulted at worst is still there. You know how when you're in a group chat or a conversation with multiple people and no one ever pays attention to your comments, while paying attention to everyone else? Yeah, that shit hurts EVERYONE, but especially pwNPD. Even the smallest acknowledgment can be "narc supply."

You know how when you achieve something really cool and everyone ignores you - but the people who ignore you will be quick to praise OTHER people?

You know how when you post art/edits online and everyone ignores you - but the people who ignore you compliment someone else's post in the exact same thread?

You know how when you ask your friend to read your favorite book or listen to your favorite artist or whatever because of how much it means to you, and they never do it, but then they read/listen to everyone else's favorite thing at everyone else's recommendation, and how much it pisses you off? (Hurts even more if you have the SAME favorite book/artist and someone reads/listens to it at the other person's recommendation and not at yours.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I could go on and on. That shit would bother anyone, us narcissists aren't alone in being hurt by that, but my G-d, it impacts pwNPD in such a specific way.

But let me flip it around to the positive!

A narcissist doesn't necessarily get their "supply" from someone telling them that they're the coolest person in the world and that they're a god. (Though if you do want to say that to us we probably won't complain!) Sometimes they get their "supply" from something as simple as someone acknowledging their achievements, and giving specific praise on what the achievement was. ("It's so cool that you won a prize in the music recital. The song you played sounds like it was really difficult and I loved your stage presence.")

Being told, "Wow, you did such a great job on your artwork, I love the colors!" goes a very very long way for a narc, especially when said narc is used to being IGNORED for their art.

Hearing, "it's so cool that you like that book, I'll have to read it and tell you my thoughts!" can help a narcissist's interests feel acknowledged.

You might be reading this and thinking, "well, isn't it just basic human interaction to compliment your friends or try out their interests"? And, well, maybe it is, but the whole point of NPD is that most of us grew up without receiving that type of attention, so now we're very very desperate for it - and very, very, VERY sensitive to when it doesn't happen, or is even perceived to not have happened. Something as small as being talked over in a group chat can set us off, but something as small as a simple, "hey, it's so cool that you did this, I love it." can win us over.

And to be completely fair, most of the time us being "ignored" isn't completely intentional. Like, I get it, yeah, sometimes timing just doesn't work out for person A to read my favorite book at my own rec, but by the time person B is in their life, person A can read it, and it's not anything personal. Sometimes the content I make just isn't someone's ~style~ and they support me, they really do, they just don't know what to say. Sometimes someone forgets to respond, or doesn't get a notification when I send them something I made or tell them about something I did. (There is less excuse for being ignored in face-to-face/offline convos though.) But because of the trauma of us constantly being ignored as kids/teens, the smallest little thing hurts and as a result we seek and crave attention EVERYWHERE.

So now, to give in to narc stereotypes of begging for attention: If you're a person without NPD and you genuinely want to help the narcissists you have in your life, the second best thing you can do for us is checking in to make sure we're not overlooked. Try to be sure you're not ignoring us, and if we do something cool, try to compliment it, even if it's something you don't fully "understand." Ask us about what we've been up to lately, what we're proud of about ourselves, and agree with us that what we've done is pretty cool. I mean, you'd do that for any friend, right? It's really not all outlandish for a narc to want that.

(If you're curious what the FIRST best thing you can do for a narcissist is, it's giving us a million dollars unlearning your anti-NPD ableism and calling people out who use narcissist as an insult as a synonym for abuser. Even in "offline" spaces, even when we're not around, even doctors/therapists. Even "narc" abuse survivors.)

[narcissist-culture-is]

Narcissist culture is…… yes I want a popular blog. No I would not be able to handle the amount of social interaction or potential hate that comes with it

[autopsyfreak]

i hate that BPD gives me such a lack of emotional permanence.

you can spend hours describing the ways in which you care about me, yet the moment you stop my brain will immediately decide you hate me and are destined to leave me.

[kindnessoverperfection]

I want to break down a common point of conflict when addressing NPD stigma.

A lot of hangups people have tend to be along the lines of "but I DO see a lot of people with actual NPD who are acting in toxic or abusive ways".

This will be kind of long, so bear with me.

Point #1: People are way more likely to be diagnosed if they exhibit "stereotypical" symptoms.

There's this image of NPD as a disorder that is only present in those with patterns of destructive behavior towards others. Many therapists have this conception. (Shockingly, the mental health field is not perfect & without stigma.)

Gonna copy-paste this here from my other blog (so forgive me if you've seen it before), because it's a good example.

Three people are criticized at work. Their boss yells at them for their performance in front of everyone. Person A gets mad and defensive. They yell back, using cutting remarks as a way to try and ease the distress they feel. Person B acts really mature and responsible the whole time, nodding along and agreeing and promising to do better, just desperate to maintain and improve their status. Desperate to be liked. Later they go home and handle their distress through self-destructive means, and spend the next few months overworking themself to the point of illness. Person C doesn't seem to respond much at all. They go quiet and seem distant. They don't lash out or lash in, but for the next month or so, their productivity drops. They simply aren't able to focus on work or self-care, no matter how hard they try. The stress is overwhelming. All three of these people have the same root issues, but only the first would be labeled a narcissist. Outwards behaviors and presentations don't reflect the pain, distress, and difficulties with life that are underlying them.

So, three main things happen.

There ends up being a higher rate of people with destructive behaviors who are diagnosed with NPD

The people who don't particularly exhibit behaviors and are considered ""too nice to have it"" are overlooked entirely (and never get any sort of help for their underlying issues, yayyy)

People are more likely to be more honest about "ugly" symptoms / symptoms that are frowned down upon than they are in other mental health communities.

(Also some people decide to act super edgy about it, which is annoying but here we are. Some of them are trolls.)

(And while I'm at it, some people are misdiagnosed with NPD because a psych sees someone who committed a violent crime and is like "uhh slap them with the Evil Asshole™ disorders!! no further thought given.")

Point #2: People who have messed up are not inhuman monsters who deserve no help or support

While I do think it's important for people to understand that patterns of toxic behaviors aren't the ONLY way NPD can present, I'm not going to let the conversation stop at "some of us are nice though!!"

Human beings aren't RPG characters who can be sorted into "monster" or "ally". Every single person has done something hurtful, has messed up, exhibits some sort of behavior that puts strain on their relationships sometimes.

So I'll bullet point some aspects of this that need to be talked about.

People without NPD also commonly exhibit toxic behaviors, but people ignore that nowadays. Either they armchair diagnose anyone who's slightly rude, or they only focus on it in pwNPD and ignore it in themselves or others. NTs can be jerks too, and they're probably less likely to acknowledge it than pwNPD who are constantly watching and checking themselves and analyzing their behaviors and attempting to do better.

Assuming that NPD makes someone abusive doesn't help anyone. Can it impact behaviors, and make it more difficult for people to be self-aware? Of course. But an important step in healing from any mental health condition (especially personality disorders, ime) is realizing that you're not inherently ""bad"", and that you can take responsibility for your actions and learn to deal with things in constructive ways. Just going "NPD makes people bad, full stop"- other than being a mean shitty thing to say- absolves people of guilt and asserts that there's no reason for them to try and improve.

Yes, it's okay for people to hate their abusers. Their abuser. Not an entire community of people who happen to (maybe) share a trait with them.

Building on the above point, people tend to go in defense mode when they hear things like "pwNPD who have acted in toxic ways can learn to improve their behavior", "people shouldn't be saying awful things about folks with this condition", etc. because they automatically try to apply this to their abuser. Interpersonal situations are very different from society-wide mental health access. No, don't stay with your abuser expecting them to change, and don't hold onto the hope that they will. No, don't censor yourself or your hatred or anger towards them. Just don't make blanket statements about a disorder that they may or may not have- blame their abusive actions, not their mental health.

"I hate you for your abusive actions and the harm that you caused me." =/= "I hate a group of people because of an inherent unchangeable part of them that's tied directly to severe childhood trauma they suffered. Because of it, they're evil and unlovable and are incapable of change. They're inhuman and will never experience real connection with others." ..........See the difference??

Even if there were a disorder with a 100% rate of toxic douchey behaviors, I'd want the conversation around it to be changed. I'd want different words to be used to divide up the spaces and conversations and resources, so that survivors of abusive or toxic behavior can get help, but that the disorder still has space to be treated. Otherwise, there are zero resources for healing. Nothing is being done to help these people or solve the issue. They're just told they may as well not try. They're blocked from healthcare entirely, despite how the entire point of being diagnosed with a condition is supposed to be to treat it.

There's a wide range of people who have NPD- it presents in many different ways, a person who has it may or may not exhibit harmful behaviors- but no one deserves to be denied treatment or told they're unlovable because of a condition they have that was formed from trauma.

Speak out against abusive behavior. Don't destroy healthcare for a medical condition.

[necroticcadaver]

I love talking about myself.

You ask me questions about myself? I could spend literal hours happily talking about me.

[cruelbrutality]

Have you considered maybe I’m not being dick-ish unnecessarily and I just don’t fucking like you?

[ghostfacetheballfondler]

me looking through my own blog: fuck i was so real for this. op your mind is so beautiful. you are always so right.

[carcasssoldier]

me vs everyone who has ever existed

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

"narcissists think they're better than everyone" no, no, that's not true. i don't THINK i'm better than everyone. i KNOW i'm better than everyone.