#the theme music kicking in was insane like I was being thrown back through time to ~2017

[dropthecop]

I haven't listened to taz in YEARSSSS at this point, like SO MANY YEARS, but I saw one too many people saying that the new campaign was super reminiscent of all the stuff that made balance so great, and I was already thinking about dnd a lot for unrelated reasons, so I decided to give it a listen and YOU WERE ALL RIGHT. WHY IS IT SO GOOD.

[moviesrotbrains]

DANIEL ISN’T REAL... but I’m so very glad this film exists.

After dealing with increasing anxiety and fearing a grip on reality, a college freshman turns to his childhood imaginary friend for comfort and confidence boosting… only to realize that his much cooler and carefree pretend buddy has an unsettling violent darkness about him. Could Daniel possibly be something more than a figment of his imagination?

DANIEL ISN’T REAL is an utterly surreal fever dream, channeling the best in cosmic horror, body horror, and psychological horror while also taking a bold look at deeper issues. It comes from Elijah Wood’s SpectreVision imprint, the same company that gave us such gems as MANDY, A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT, and COLOR OUT OF SPACE...  and this one’s right up there with those modern classics. And you can watch it now on SHUDDER!

Full review and some seriously kickass poster art below:

Directed by Adam Egypt Mortimer (and based on Brian DeLeeuw’s book, In This Way I Was Saved), DANIEL ISN’T REAL is a wonderfully fantastical ride through fucked up subject matter. It tackles mental illness, trauma, dual nature, identity, male toxicity, and empathy… with a good amount of Lovecraftian madness and trippy, yet terrifically disgusting Cronenberg-esque visuals thrown in for good measure.

It’s an engaging story too, about a young man, Luke, overwhelmed with life as his mother’s mental health condition worsens. He’s dealing with that on top of everything else college kids go through, lack of confidence, anxiety, etc. There’s also a fear of his own sanity. He keeps hallucinating and blanking out. His therapist suggests that maybe he should try to tap into that creativity he had as a child, where he’d regularly play for hours on end with his imaginary friend, “Daniel”. Only things got very weird and unsettling the last time he played pretend with his fictional playmate.

Once Daniel re-enters his life, things start to change. Luke’s mother issues get better. Luke suddenly feels more confident in life. Luke is finally doing well with girls. Luke’s getting creative again with photography... and all of his problems seem to go away… Only Daniel seems to want more credit and recognition. And Daniel seems to be getting angrier. And that’s when things get really fucking messed up.

This film is wonderfully acted by a mix of up-and-comers and veterans of the scene. Luke is played by Miles Robbins (HALLOWEEN 2018) and gives that immediate likeable and kind, yet also meek, portrayal that perfectly conveys what kind of a person that Luke is. There’s a lot of range in emotion in this performance, from hurt and confused to confident, to something else entirely. I always get a kick at seeing an actor completely flip their performance and style midway and totally embody something else, and this film has that and more.

Contrasting that likability and meekness is Daniel (played by Patrick Schwarzenegger, SCREAM QUEENS), the titular imaginary friend who’s pure Freudian Id. He’s cool, slick, charismatic, and always knows the right thing that Luke should say, or do, to get ahead. He’s helpful… when he wants to be… but he also has a lot of darkness. A scary darkness that seems to stem from… something else. Patrick excels when he taps into this dark alias. He’s evil as fuck. There’s a sinister glee in his manner. Epitome of “Chaotic Evil”. He’s such a great asshole. He really kicks it into gear when the audience fully know what we’re dealing with… 

Yet even then, nothing is over explained. And that’s the beauty of this film. There is no expository dialogue or wasted scene. Everything is laid out there and the actors just bring it. This film lives in a world of it’s own and the audience is a passenger for the unholy ride. It’s a very slick flick full of world building and the kind of outstanding performances that really make everything shine.

Rounding out the supporting cast is Luke’s troubled mother (veteran Mary Stuart Masterson, who powerfully played a similar and memorable role in BENNY & JUNE), Sasha Lane (HELLBOY) as the love interest, artist, and really, the heart and soul of the film, and Hannah Marks (DIRK GENTLY) as the other girl faced with Luke’s dark side. again, all perfectly played and perfectly cast, giving a much needed balance in this heavy film.

And it’s a very heavy film. The story was a deeply personal one for Mortimer (as he explained to us in 2019, when he brought the film to the Montreal FANTASIA film fest). The director drew from his own experiences from his youth, when a friend was similarly dealing with mental health issues. Mortimer had to help him, because his friend was “falling off the rails”, with no one around really helping him out, “not friends or professionals”. He talked of his friend’s life being in ruins, and how it just “spiraled off into mania”. 

That experience deeply impacted Mortimer. It was from this that Mortimer wanted to make a film about empathy and compassion for people going through severe mental illness issues. While Luke’s troubles stem from something more, the parallels are still there to people in real life going through non-otherworldy issues. The overall sense of helplessness, and a desire to be understood and taken seriously, is still there, and still a universal theme. Especially right now.

This film also tackles a lot more than just matters of wellness. Mortimer also wanted the film to deal with the “increasing danger” young men are in these days. “The Dangers they face and the danger many are to themselves”. 

Mortimer talked about them, “Living in a world where men have been driven insane by society. A society where many men are both the product and the villain of it.” A lot of this is seen on film when Luke battles for control with Daniel. Daniel representing that alpha and that Id. Luke grasping for control and trying to be that voice of compassion and reason. It’s a wonderful character study that is only heightened by the horror elements that come into play.

And yes, it’s an absolute horror fan’s delight and it’s visually stunning to boot, mixing psychological & psychedelic horror together. It felt like I was watching HELLRAISER again for the first time, but if that film was shoved in a blender with FIGHT CLUB, JACOB’S LADDER, and copious amounts of mind altering drugs. But comparing it to anything else does no justice to the wholly original eye-gasmic feast set before us. I keep saying this, but it truly is an utterly wonderful surreal fever dream. It’s so very layered and out there. 

It’s refreshing to see new films like this come about with something to say and looking as great as it does. Yes, this film looks very different from most things that are currently out there, with it’s violet texture throughout, and otherworldly feel. Mortimer, who came from a music video background, wanted his second feature to have a distinct look to it, saying that the “violet hue throughout had a very futuristic and contemporary colour about it”. He wanted to create the feeling of a manic episode, and overwhelm the viewer with colours and density. 

And he totally does. It’s such a beautiful looking film, and one you’ll definitely go back to just to soak in the wonderful hypnotic visuals. Much like MANDY, from the year before, DANIEL is a cinematic treat for your eyeballs.

And there’s also some deeply messed up visuals that mix in with that beauty. The FX on a whole are amazingly bizarre. There are visuals that are so jaw-droppingly good that you’ll permanently have them etched in your brain. It’s the kind of film where you’re watching and you immediately want to rewind and see that scene again.

From faces being merged into each other in a pink tentacled mess of VIDEODROME-esque flesh, to other visages literally being mangled like putty! Pure body terror. People crawling into other people’s mouths– I could go on, but I don’t want to spoil it. It’s icky and wonderful all at once.

And I can’t go on about the FX without mentioning the nightmarish and hellish creature design by Martin Astles (who also worked on the brutal and classic nightmare fuel that is EVENT HORIZON). The creature FX are so fucking out there, each very distinct and very memorable. The kind of things that if you confronted them in real life you’d be quick to claw them out your own eyes. 

One beast looks like a hellish death beast with a fleshy castle for a head-- an absolute architectural artifice. Mortimer said they attempted to convey that a whole universe was in its face, and it existed outside space and time. Another Face looking like piercing bullets poking through the flesh and protruding from his cheeks, like a moment frozen in time. They’re all so freakishly creative and disturbing. I can’t even describe them right. I’m not sure I want to, but they’re seared into my mind. Body Horror and Cosmic Horror at their best.

In addition to the visuals, this film also brings it on the sound design and score front. It’s got an incredible score by Warp Records act Clark. It contains synthy goodness along with manipulations of actual orchestral pieces. And it was Clark’s first time working on a film score, something Mortimer preferred. 

He wanted someone that wasn’t used to working on horror films, or films in general, so they’d throw everything they had into it from the get go. Mortimer told Clark to make it sound like Bernard Herrmann got stuck in some horrible industrial accident. A relentless sonic assault that tries to capture that same feel that Clint Mansell did with REQUIEM FOR A DREAM. The results are a superb original work of music that completely enhances and already spectacular looking film.

I was a fan of Mortimer’s SOME KIND OF HATE when I caught it six years ago at FANTASIA FEST, but DANIEL is an entirely different beast and next level filmmaking. He’s easily grown as a filmmaker and I’m totally on board to see more. I can’t wait to see what he tackles next, because DANIEL was easily one of my top Fantasia picks for 2019.

DANIEL ISN’T REAL is one of those dark films that will most likely be seen as a cult classic in a few years, right up there with DONNIE DARKO and movies of a similar ilk. It’s full of so much imagination and gusto, all while tackling important issues and core themes. All that and it remains highly watchable and engaging. It’ll satisfy any horror junkie while also winning over fans of thought provoking art. Daniel isn’t real, but I’m glad it exists.

-Theo Radomski, Movies Rot Brains 

Seriously how fucking awesome are these posters?  Why can’t more horror films hire the people that made these posters? Why can’t film in general hire these people to make better promo art? 

This article was previously seen on Mobtreal.com

[killscreencinema]

Breath of Fire (SNES)

Back in the day, when I was introduced to RPGs via Final Fantasy III for the SNES, that kicked off my love for the genre and I eagerly gobbled up any other RPG I could get my hands on, especially if it was made by SquareSoft. 

So when I played Breath of Fire, imagine my surprise at how underwhelming I found it at the time.  First of all, I was thrown off by SquareSoft’s association with it, mistakenly thinking they had developed the game, when they had only localized it for American audiences.  Nevertheless, Capcom, who are the actually developers, was a well-known and trusted brand for me at the time, so that made me doubly disappointed at the game.  I never finished it and haven’t revisited the game since. 

Flash forward to the present, when I subscribed to the Switch Online and found Breath of Fire as one of the featured games.  I decided to give it another try, now that I’m a much more seasoned and patient a gamer than I was as an adolescent. 

I still hated it.

Breath of Fire, released in 1993, has you play as Ryu, one of the few surviving members of the Light Dragon Clan, who is being exterminated by their enemy, the Plaid Dragon Clan.  Nah, I’m just kidding, they’re the Dark Dragon Clan.  You roam the world, teaming up with an interesting menagerie of characters to foil the rival clan’s evil plans, and unlocking Ryu’s latent dragon powers in the process. 

When I say that I hated the game, don’t misunderstand me - it’s not necessarily bad.  The graphics are colorful and the enemy design is extremely well done.  The music is excellent, with a lot of catchy, toe-tapping themes throughout that make the incredibly tedious and monotonous gameplay a little more bearable. 

You may be saying, “If you don’t like the gameplay, welcome to J-RPGs idiot!”  Well.... that’s true to an extent I suppose.  Then again, if nothing else, SquareSoft’s SNES library stands as proof that a J-RPG doesn’t have to be an onerous “press A to win” slap battle, nor does exploration have to be a laborious slog through a mercilessly frequent enemy encounter rate.  Square’s are so perfectly balanced in this regard, with some of the best storytelling in video game history to tie it all together. 

Breath of Fire fails in many of these respects, with a battle system so simplistic it features an option where you can set it on automatic.  It’s almost like the developers were like, “Yeah, we know this shit is boring - set it on auto-pilot and maybe read a book or something.”  When the player is taken out of the game to that extent, it feels kind of pointless to even play it.  Maybe if the story were really good, that would be incentive enough to power through, but it’s pretty generic fare, but with some neat world building and characters that are much better realized in future entries.  I do love the variety of fantasy characters that live in the world of Breath of Fire, from the angelic bird people of Winlan, to the dog people of the Forest Clan, and so on.  If nothing else, this game does lay a solid foundation from which the sequels build off.

The game can also be frustrating to get through due to many moments where you’ll essentially hit a deadend unless you speak to a particular character in a town or village.  It’s not always obvious this is the issue, so you’ll waste time wandering about, wondering what to do next until you either figure it out naturally or refer to a walkthrough.  I can easily imagine this happening to me as a kid, and without internet to help me out, I probably quit the game in disgust.  It doesn’t help that you can’t move two steps without getting drawn into a battle or that your character moves so slow you’d think he was trying not to shit his pants. 

At the end of the day, Breath of Fire is a fine game, if you’re patient enough to muscle through its flaws.  However, you might be better off skipping this one and playing Breath of Fire II, which fixes a lot of the issues mentioned (although the encounter rate is still insane - go figure) and gives a much better first impression for the series.  Then again, I’m only working from the faint memory of enjoying the game as a kid - I guess I’ll have to replay here soon to see if it still holds up!

[narwhallove]

Behind the Curtain: Interview with Romy Writer Ludi-Ling

House of Cards actually started out as a random smut scene that burgeoned into something far, far more.

@ludi-ling goes meta in our final interview about her writing process; how the Romy fandom’s changed over the years; alternate universes (AU); and the role of smut for Romy fans. (Spoiler alert, our heroes are hot.)

No surprise that it’s a pleasure interviewing Ludi. I kept sending her more questions (25 total!) because her responses fascinated me and inspired me to ask more. It’s a rare person who writes visceral, startling prose and can also talk about her work with clarity, intelligence, and an affection for her characters that doesn’t occlude good writerly judgment.

The superlatives don’t end there. Anyone who knows the community knows that Ludi is a friend to her readers and to her fellow writers. As we all enter a heady 2019, reading Mr. and Mrs. X together, Ludi is someone to cherish.

If you haven’t read our other interviews, please check out: Part 1 of interviews: X-men Origins Part 2 of interviews: Going Dark

As a scholar of fan studies, do you believe Romy fanfiction fulfills needs that Marvel never can? What needs might those be, for Romy fans?

Certainly I think that fanfic is built on the premise of filling in the gaps, scribbling in the margins (to quote the seminal fan studies scholar, Henry Jenkins!) and fixing perceived wrongs. Comics are unique in that regard because the characters and stories within them continue for years and even decades. Comics continuities are convoluted and complicated, and there is a constant churn of writers working on them. Many fans have followed characters for far longer than the writers, and may know the characters more intimately than the professionals. Comics are full of retcons and contradictory takes on the characters. And I think fanfic is an important medium for allowing fans to “fix” that, to negotiate it. Because of the ongoing nature of comics, and because the futures of the characters are always going to be nebulous and subject to the whims of Marvel and the writers indefinitely, I think it’s going to continue to be important. Romy may be married in the comics, but there will still be plenty to write about—kids, divorce, a reconciliation . . . who knows? ;) 

What do you think Romy readers seek out when they read fanfiction? If it’s wish fulfillment, what kinds of wishes are being fulfilled? If it’s looking for “gaps” that the comics skip over, what have you found to be the most common sorts of gaps?

I think Romy is a very interesting example of the “wish fulfillment” function of fanfiction. Because part of the mystique of that ship (no pun intended) is that they can’t touch, they can’t consummate their relationship . . . And fanfic is a way that fans can get them to touch, to work out that angst. I think that one of the staples of Romy fic is the sexual tension between the two, and how they resolve that; the push and pull between them. Sometimes these take place in epic, superheroic backdrops, sometimes in AUs, where they have no mutant powers and where the tension between them is born from other factors (such as already having significant others, or being enemies, or in illicit lines of work).

What draws you to AUs? Your stories aren’t a case of fanfiction filling what’s “between panels”; you tend to shift characters and relationships to entirely different settings, whether it’s a Strange Days–like world or another genre, like a Southern gothic procedural. Can you talk about AUs and how they play out in your imagination?

What I’ve always liked is world-building. One of my first large-scale writing projects was a fantasy trilogy called The Legend of Elu. Most of the fun I got from that was actually building the world, the kingdoms, the mythology, the theology, the languages, the history of that story. That definitely bled into my fanfic.

Now I tend to write canon stuff as one-shots, and novel-length stuff as AUs, because they give me more space to play with world-building. That was something I realised I enjoyed more when I wrote Threads. Writing all those little worlds in a series of one-shots felt too “small.” HoC was originally an expansion of the Threads tale Touch and Go, but it grew into something else, and since then, I’ve preferred to go the AU route for the longer-form stories. :)

We’re living in peak Romy times—I think we’re still reeling from the wedding! Let’s say you had the power to go back in time and drop a pin into an earlier moment in the Romy timeline that you felt truly represents what Romy means to you (which isn’t the same as when they’re happiest!). When and in what universe? Why this choice?

There are so many iconic moments from Romy’s past, but, for me personally, I always go back to their time in Valle Soleada (in X-Treme X-Men). That’s not because they’re happy per se, but because I think that that period was the perfect example of how great they worked together on every level, and was proof positive that they were a good match. I often say it, but I will say it again here, because it’s the truth, and y’all can fight me to the death over it—if there was a time they would’ve got married and I would’ve bought it 100%, it would’ve been in Valle Soleada.

On Tumblr, it seems a large contingent of Romy fans are women in their 30s who discovered Romy at a tender age, thanks to the animated series. This includes you and me! There are exceptions, of course. What’s it like for you to have been in the fandom from the early aughts? What changes in the fandom have you noticed between 2003 and 2018?

I really joined the fandom at an exciting time for Romy—they’d just got back together properly after all the turmoil of the Trial of Gambit. X-Treme X-Men was a treat for Romy fans, and Claremont wrote such a great dynamic between them. As fans we were all excited and happy and well-fed on all that Romy goodness.

So it was weird (not to mention disappointing) when the 2004 reboot happened, and Marvel did everything they could to tank Romy. Which is one thing, and I can stomach it if [it were] logically and well written, but it was just so terribly done that I think many of us just tapped out of the fandom completely. I’d say 2005–2018 were fallow years for the Romy fandom. Most (if not all) of the fan friends I made at that time completely left the fandom. For myself, as someone who enjoys writing AUs, it was the perfect time to branch out from writing in canon and fitting Romy into my own world.

Who are your influences? What writers do you feel a particular affinity for? Are there writers whom we might be surprised to discover informed your work, but you feel have, despite appearances?

I was heavily influenced by the dark, modern fairytales of Angela Carter about the time that I was writing Queen of Diamonds and Threads. She had a really magical way with words—her prose was lyrical, sensual, and unbelievably rich. She was a huge inspiration, but later I moved away from her tone, firstly because I felt I was doing a poor imitation of her, secondly because it wasn’t really appropriate for the direction I wanted to move my fics in, and lastly because I was becoming self-conscious of my insane verbosity and wanted to pare down my prose. That’s something I’m still working on!

At some point during the writing of House of Cards, I finally got round to reading Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and I think it was Douglas Adams who convinced me to move away from Carter’s beautiful but too-flowery prose. I loved the way his narrative just sizzled. I’m bad at capturing that energy—but I do think that from HoC onwards, I’ve tried to learn to be more economical with my words—which is hard for a florid soul like mine. 

Threads—structurally at least—was influenced by Italo Calvino’s If On a Winter’s Night a Traveller, and later, by David Mitchell’s Cloud Atlas. 

Let’s say you can pair your fiction with other works of art—of all forms, films, paintings, music, etc.—as if you were pairing wines to foods. What other pieces of art might you say go along with yours?

Wow! OK—that’s hard. Threads I’d probably pair with Cloud Atlas (the book, not the film, which I haven’t yet watched). HoC—I don’t know that there’s any one thing I would pair it with, but you can bet a load of post-apocalyptic stuff was thrown into that stew, along with a bit of The Matrix and probably some Inception.

52 Pickup was influenced a lot by Asmus’s Gambit run, cos I really wanted to write a heist fic with Remy and Rogue rather than Remy and Joelle (who I freely admit kicked ass). But if I had to pair it with a piece of media, it’d be with the video game Remember Me, which dealt a lot with themes of how memories inform our identities, and the ethical concerns of having memories essentially become “documents” that are uploaded and shared digitally through the cloud.

This is a good segue to talk about high-low culture. We may not want to believe in a hierarchy of culture, but we can certainly talk about the differences between fanfiction and “regular fiction.” When you read fanfiction, do you approach it differently than you would regular fiction? Are your expectations for form, reading pleasure, or anything else different? If so, how so?

Interesting question! I don’t know whether I approach it differently per se, but I think that readers have different expectations of fanfic. Hopefully we all read “regular fiction” for the same reason we read fanfic—for pleasure. But I don’t think there’s really a binary between regular and fanfiction. I think both exist on a continuum. There is a lot of “regular fiction” (I prefer to call it “profic” or “professional fiction,” because I think that’s where the binary between the two exists) that is actually very close to fanfic, and vice versa. By that I mean that there is plenty of fanfic that is epic in scope, deals with serious themes, and might be considered “classics” if they weren’t fanfiction.

And there is also profic, like romance, that is more similar to fanfic in terms of the kind of functions that it serves. There is an illicit pleasure to reading romance—for example, it’s not the kind of thing you’d openly read in public! There’s a similarity between that and fanfic, and I think, as readers of fanfic, we anticipate some level of illicitness when we approach it—even if the illicitness is only in the format (i.e., it’s fanfiction!), not in the content.

Fun question: What role do you think explicit smut functions in a fic? How do you deal with smut in your work? There’s an interesting moment that’s not in HoC, in which you write about Gambit and Rogue’s first time having sex in his point of view. It’s a separate chapter that exists as its own entity on your fanfiction.net page. Notably, it is much more explicit than the scene in Rogue’s perspective. Can you talk a little bit about this decision?

Well, I do think that fanfic is a safe space for writers to explore their sexuality (and I think that’s a huge part of the reason why fic is looked down upon), and smut plays a significant role in that. And smut certainly plays a part in my own fics. HoC actually started out as a random smut scene that burgeoned into something far, far more. Generally, I do try to make the sex scenes have a purpose in the plot (’cos I’m kind of anal about plot structure!), but in the particular case of Slow Burn and the other HoC vignettes, those are more self-contained one-shots where I could explore things that I couldn’t explore in the main story. So I could indulge in the smut a bit more! And let’s be honest—Gambit’s dark sexuality makes it thrilling to write smut from his perspective—of course his “thoughts” are going to be more explicit! ;)

But I also think that it’s interesting to write their individual perspectives on their sexual encounters, because of that tension between their characters. Rogue is the quintessential virginal Southern Baptist gal who’s inexperienced; whereas Gambit is the sexually aggressive alpha male who’s probably never had a woman turn him down in his life. That makes for a very combustive love affair between the two, and makes it fun to write that love affair (and all the smut in-between) from both their points of view.

[anxiety-trademark]

The week in review:

Raw 09/07 NXT 09/08 Smackdown 09/11

Raw:

Peyton’s CAW theme sounds like menu music from a ps2 game. Terrible. I do like Billie Kay’s music, though.

That shade of lipstick is a no with that gear and hair, I’m sorry.

The blandest most basic stalemate sequence in women’s wrestling.

Great back and forth with the dialogue and slapping. Comedy is where they shine.

Been years yet still I’m surprised every time Billie Kay looks awful in the ring.

That dramatically loud piped in “oh” was a choice.

The way Billie Kay carries Peyton to the turnbuckle just to gently set her down is insanely disappointing.

I like the modified suplex.

The awful way Billie Kay waited around for that awful kick was awful.

The fact that Peyton’s finisher was referred to as merely a “neckbreaker” by the commentators, and their inability to sell its mortality, is all you need to know.

Great we get to hear Peyton’s CAW music again. Anyway.

Shayna is improving at talking, me thinks.

This pairing is good for her. Gives her a personality.

Appreciate Nattie and Lana’s color schemes matching. Points.

Again, Lana has her niche. She’s the singles version of the iiconics: awful af in the ring, but hilarious and can hold her own on the mic.

That Thesz Press was something.

I would prefer to see random Nattie vs Asuka matches tbh.

Asuka had to save Mickie from a near pinfall off of a facebuster. Whew okay.

Mickie slurringly screaming at an empty arena: “I’M GOING UP”. When is SD?

Camera missed the actual ending to the match. Lol okay. Bye.

Shayna and Ruby have negative 30 chemistry.

Nia gets points for mocking Shayna on the outside. “Boooo I’ve seen better,” kekekek

“What do you want me to do? A Samoan Drop?” Shayna mockingly asks Nia. “If you think you can,” Nia responds in doubt. I’m entertained.

pppffffttttt lost to a rollup. “I didn’t do anything. That wasn’t me dude. I don’t know what happened.”

I like the point of all of this. Elevates and strengthens the RS and their bond, while shining a light on how useless Nia and Shayna are as singles competitors. Points for all these shenanigans.

And negative points for pretending the match never happened just cuz Retribution cut the power. Anyway.

Highlight: Nia mocking Shayna

---

NXT:

Why does the entirety of the Mercedes/Rhea feud consist of backstage promos and random attacks?

pppfffffttttt Aliyah pushed Shotzi into Io. Ma’am I’d advise running and never looking back.

Aliyah reminds me of original Carmella before she lost her accent.

I love how dramatic Robert Stone is lmao.

Shotzi and Io could be a fun tag team. Might make me like Shotzi.

*Tegan arrives at The Garganos’ for dinner* No.

*Candice explains “The Gargano Way” to Tegan* No.

Right I get why Mercedes wants to destroy Rhea, but I am gonna be really fucking disappointed if she succeeds. I don’t mind Rhea losing feuds or matches if there’s a point to it. Such as Charlotte (yeah I said it) it was vital to Rhea’s gargantuan push for her to endure a setback, and she was better off for losing at wm.

*Candice LeRae & Tegan Nox’s dinner goes awry* No.

Right off the bat I don’t like how many weapons are being thrown into the steel cage. The beauty in gimmick matches is to use what’s within the confines of the match to create magic, not make every single match a TLC match. Like y’all are in a cage. Utilize the cage. None of the build requires this stuff.

This is gonna sound silly, but Mercedes needs to learn to audibly groan or something to sell offense. She’s like a mime.

I liked the German suplex off the top rope.

Rhea threw a fucking chair up at Mercedes’ face. Nice.

Beautiful dropkick and suplex. 

Awkward yet painful looking top rope neckbreaker.

Love the image of Robert Stone just dangling off the top in the background.

Riptide through the table. Great finish.

It wasn’t insanely compelling, and I’m not too much of a fan of Mercedes, but there were some really cool spots. Fine match. Spotty, but at least the spots were good.

Highlight: Riptide through the table

---

Smackdown:

Love that Bayley carries around the chair, but I wish the chair had played more of a part in the attack against Sasha.

I like the sitting in the ring aspect. Don’t see that with women a lot. Love that she didn’t say a word before replaying the video footage as well.

Again wishing this had a crowd to gauge their reactions.

Great callback to Battleground 2016.

Not a fan of her insinuating Sasha has been manipulating her for 5 years, that’s awkward.

“You pretended to be my best friend, but all along you were using me, and do you know how I know that? Because I was using you.” Weak.

“I never cared about you, and I damn sure never cared about our friendship.” Weak and unbuyable.

So I’m not gonna make fun of her stutter/fuck up, but I am going to stress how much it affected my level of care. Sounds dramatic but it’s true. This is the second most important promo of Bayley’s career so far, and it seriously failed to live up to: Becky’s promo after turning on Charlotte, Sasha’s promo after turning on Nattie, and Bayley’s promo after turning on Becky. This is supposed to set the tone for the rest of the feud, and I ended up rating it disappointing as a whole. Shame. Anyway.

Love how Nikki interrupted Bayley’s exit. Points. The whole lockerroom oughta despise Bayley by now. Great work having Bayley hit her with a chair too lmao.

Alexa’s hairrrr kekekek

Tamina “these bitches are crazy” Snuka, everyone.

That was nice; Alexa goes for a ddt, Tamina avoids by holding the ropes, goes to stomp on Alexa, Alexa dodges and rolls away, stands up and is met with the boot.

Nikki ran the lower 2 ropes. Points cuz more women should do that, incidental or not.

So Cole mentions Fiend’s name and it sends Alexa into a trance - something we’ve seen before. She mindlessly grabs Nikki, bends her down, kisses her head, and while staring at Cole, does a Sister Abigail then leaves. Intriguing. Imagine insisting that Alexa isn’t a good actress, goodbye.

Great interruption by Nikki.

Ugly looking clothesline on Lacey, but I mean that as a compliment. Great landing.

Ugly looking tornado ddt on Tamina, and I don’t mean that as a compliment. Bad landing.

Tamina “I need a nap” Snuka, everyone.

Lmao so Lacey avoids a near pinfall entirely by just rolling away (obviously not planned) and then Tamina jumps in like she’s saving a damn title, breaking up essentially nothing. When Nikki Cross is the best worker a multiwoman match can offer, we have a problem.

Win via rollup. I’m so tired. Why are we getting Bayley vs Nikki anyway? I said time was a flat circle the 4th time they faced each other, and they’ve fought what, 3 times since then??!?

Highlight: Alexa slowly losing her mind

---

*Smackdown shined the brightest, but not by much. I have to give props to Alexa for nailing her role.

[jonathantaylorthomas]

If you think Taylor Swift sings only about her exes, then you don’t get Taylor Swift

We took a deep dive into Swift's albums to track her evolution on these other themes:

Theme: Life lessons

Album: "Taylor Swift" (2006)

As the story goes, aspiring teenage singer-songwriter Taylor Swift knocked on doors around Music Row, dropping off demo CDs. Her parents eventually saw enough promise to move from Wyomissing, Pa., to Nashville, where Swift became the youngest songwriter ever signed to Sony/ATV Music Publishing at age 14.

Shortly after, Swift landed a record deal with Big Machine. As she was suddenly thrown into an adult world, her songwriting was still very much from a high-schooler's perspective.

"I don't know what I want, so don't ask me," she sings on "A Place In This World" (Swift, Robert Ellis Orrall, Angelo Petraglia). " 'Cause I'm still trying to figure it out."

Her lyrics veer from extreme confidence to self-doubt: "I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh, but life goes on — I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world." She also assures her listeners: "I'm not the only one who feels the way I do."

This direct connection to her fans — many young girls indeed felt similar to Swift — would catapult her to superstardom. She also captured the insecurities of her teenage fanbase with the darkly sad "Tied Together With a Smile" (Swift, Liz Rose), about a friend who seemed like she had the perfect life yet struggled with bulimia.

"You don't tell anyone that you might not be the golden one," Swift sings. "You're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone."

Album: "Fearless" (2008)

Swift's solo-written "Change," an anthem about not giving up, was chosen as a 2008 Summer Olympics theme song, but "Fifteen" was the standout track from the Grammys' album of the year, convincing critics that Swift was a true force. (Rolling Stone dubbed her a "songwriting savant.")

In the song, also a solo write, Swift takes on the role of the older and wiser teen: She knows what it was like walking through the school hallways, terrified to make eye contact with anyone but also hoping to be noticed by the cute senior. She tells the cautionary tale of her best friend, Abigail, who "gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind — and we both cried."

Ultimately, Swift wanted listeners to know it was okay to feel overwhelmed by high school. "I've found time can heal most anything, and you just might find who you're supposed to be," she sings. "I didn't know who I was supposed to be at 15.”

Album: "Speak Now" (2010)

Swift wrote this entire album herself. While the quiet "Innocent" got many headlines — it chided Kanye West for interrupting her acceptance speech at the 2009 MTV Music Video Awards — one overlooked song was "Never Grow Up," a melancholy guitar acoustic tucked between Swift's forays into rock and pure pop. In the track, 20-year-old Swift grapples with the fear and loss that arrives during the early years of adulthood.

Swift addresses her words to a newborn baby. "Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room, memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home," she sings, adding, "I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone."

Swift makes a similar wish to keep an iron grip on memories in "Long Live," a triumphant love letter to her band and Nashville team, who started as underdogs and conquered the music world. "If you have children someday, when they point to the pictures, please tell them my name," she sings. "We will be remembered."

Album: "1989" (2014)

"Welcome to New York" (Swift, Ryan Tedder) kicked off Swift's official pop era — the album's opening track was bursting with glee at all the excitement the Big Apple had to offer: "Welcome to New York — it's been waiting for you!" Swift had only just recently purchased a $20 million penthouse in Tribeca, so she earned some mockery when she was then named New York City's "global welcome ambassador."

But the pop star didn't care as she reveled in the freedom of the city. "Everybody here was someone else before," Swift sings. "And you can want who you want, boys and boys and girls and girls."

Theme: Friendship

Album: "Taylor Swift" (2006)

As obsessed as Swift would eventually become with her powerful "squad," a BFF group made up of models, singers and actresses, she frequently talked about how she was bullied and ostracized in middle school. On "The Outside," which she wrote by herself as a teenager, you can feel her pain: "How can I ever try to be better? Nobody ever lets me in. I can still see you, this ain't the best view, on the outside looking in."

The music video for the buoyant "I'm Only Me When I'm With You" (Swift, Robert Ellis Orrall, Angelo Petraglia) shows Swift goofing around with her bandmates and best friend, Abigail. Although the lyrics allude to romantic soulmates ("I don't try to hide my tears, my secrets or my deepest fears, through it all nobody gets me like you do"), Swift's fans have adopted it as an ode to friendship.

Album: "Fearless" (2008)

A similar phenomenon occurs on "Breathe," co-written with singer-songwriter Colbie Caillat. Listeners could easily assume it's about a boyfriend ("You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, and I can't breathe without you, but I have to"), but Swift confirmed it's actually about the end of a close friendship.

Swift continued to reflect on the hurt of her middle school days in "The Best Day," a tribute to her close relationship with her mother. Writing solo, she reflects: "I'm 13 now and don't know how my friends could be so mean. I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys," she sings. "And we drive and drive until we find a town far enough away, and we talk and window shop till I've forgotten all their names."

Album: "Red" (2012)

Swift's most famous — and happiest — friendship song arrived in the form of "22" (Swift, Max Martin, Shellback), an upbeat track that basks in a carefree existence, dancing and making fun of exes and eating breakfast at midnight after a night out: "We're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time, it's miserable and magical, oh yeah!"

The song's hidden clue on the album liner notes is "ASHLEY DIANNA CLAIRE SELENA," also known as her close pals Ashley Avignone, Dianna Agron, Claire Kislinger and Selena Gomez. Swift explained she wanted to write with the attitude of "we are in our 20s and we don't know anything and it's awesome."

Album: "1989" (2014)

Although "New Romantics" (Swift, Max Martin, Shellback) is hidden as a "bonus track" on "1989," it's a fan favorite, and Rolling Stone recently ranked it as the second-best Swift song. It has "22" vibes with an '80s sonic spin, celebrating the heartache and joy of being young: "Heartbreak is the national anthem, we sing it proudly, we are too busy dancing to get knocked off our feet."

Theme: Fame

Album: "Red" (2012)

By her fourth album, Swift was officially an international celebrity. She also started to collaborate with Swedish maestros Max Martin and Shellback, who helped shape her new pop sound.

But "The Lucky One," which she wrote by herself, was a bit of a return to form. Like a country song, it tells a story — a starlet accomplishes her dream and then realizes that the perks ("big black cars and Riviera views") might not outweigh the dark side of fame ("your secrets end up splashed on the news front page.")

"They tell you that you're lucky, but you're so confused, 'cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used," Swift sings. Many guessed that Joni Mitchell was her inspiration. Swift wouldn't spill, and only admitted in an interview that the song "expresses my greatest fear of having this not end up being fun anymore."

Album: "1989" (2014)

Swift's stardom skyrocketed again as her pop songs took on mass appeal. "Blank Space" (Swift, Max Martin, Shellback) is a parody of the tabloid media's characterization of Swift: A needy serial dater with a long list of ex-lovers who can tell you she's insane. And someone who, when she gets dumped, "goes to her evil lair and writes songs about it for revenge," as Swift once put it. Swift started writing the lyrics as a joke, and then realized the character was actually fascinating — as the song goes, "a nightmare dressed like a daydream."

Martin and Shellback also co-wrote "Shake It Off," one of Swift's top-selling singles, an earworm that hits back at her critics who she says are "gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate." In a YouTube interview, Swift said she wanted to write a "joyful" song about the criticism she gets on a daily basis — otherwise she would just burn with resentment forever.

"I Know Places" (Swift, Ryan Tedder) takes a more despondent view of a lifestyle in which privacy simply isn't an option. Swift has repeatedly talked about the difficulties of starting a new relationship while the world watches and mocks her, and this track is a wistful tune about hiding out: "They are the hunters, we are the foxes, and we run — baby, I know places we won't be found."

Theme: Revenge

Album: "Speak Now" (2010)

Swift first displayed her thirst for vengeance against exes on songs such as "Picture to Burn" (Swift, Liz Rose) on her first album and "Better Than Revenge," about a romantic rival, which she wrote for "Speak Now." But on that third album, her motivation also went beyond boyfriends with "Mean," a single that she wrote by herself and that earned her two Grammy awards, including one for best country song. The song's rumored gen­esis was a critical blog post by music writer Bob Lefsetz, who roasted Swift's cringeworthy duet with Stevie Nicks at the 2010 Grammys.

In return, Swift painted her critic as an eventual bitter, washed-up loser, "drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing." Swift concludes, "All you are is mean — and a liar and pathetic and alone in life."

Album: "1989" (2014)

Swift's most infamous revenge track is "Bad Blood" (Swift, Max Martin, Shellback). Once she revealed that the tune was about a fellow female pop star that tried to "sabotage" an arena tour, the Internet quickly figured out that it was Katy Perry, who hired several backup dancers away from Swift's Red Tour.

Although it might seem like a benign slight, Swift's lyrics are rough: "Did you have to hit me where I'm weak, baby, I couldn't breathe, and rub it in so deep? Salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me." Things only escalated when Swift recruited her famous friends for the song's fiery music video, which shows her vanquishing an enemy. In summer 2017, Perry fired back with a track of her own, "Swish Swish," although it received more mockery than anything.

Album: "Reputation" (2017)

After her longest break without releasing new music, Swift dropped "Look What You Made Me Do" in August. She and collaborator Jack Antonoff shared writing credits with Fred Fairbrass, Richard Fairbrass and Rob Manzoli, the trio behind "I'm Too Sexy," because Swift and Antonoff interpolated the 1990s hit.

The dance-pop track declares that the "old Taylor" is "dead." Still, she leans heavily on her tried-and-true revenge theme, clearly aimed at her nemeses Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West, with whom she has been feuding for years. "The world moves on, another day, another drama, drama," Swift chants. "But not for me, not for me — all I think about is karma."

[ts1989fanatic]

If you think Taylor Swift sings only about her exes, then you don’t get Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift is one of those celebrities so famous that even if you don’t listen to her music, you probably know something about her. Usually, the assumption is, “Isn’t she the one who always writes songs about her boyfriends?” It’s true that Swift, 27, launched her career in 2006 as a teenager with “Tim McGraw,” a wistful ballad about a guy she dated in high school. When she became a star, she paired off with other stars and wrote about them: Joe Jonas, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal.

While she rarely names the subjects of her songs, she leaves hints via coded messages in the album’s liner notes, leading to a media frenzy every time she releases new music — and she will likely continue the practice when she drops her sixth studio album, “Reputation,” on Nov. 10. However, those who know Swift only from those headlines and her major commerical hits (“Love Story,” “You Belong With Me,” “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,”) miss the fact that her music goes far beyond crushes and exes. Swift, who has solo or co-written every song she’s ever recorded, also tackles other substantive subjects, which have a major impact on her extremely loyal fanbase.

We took a deep dive into Swift’s albums to track her evolution on these other themes:

Theme: Life lessons

Album: “Taylor Swift” (2006)

As the story goes, aspiring teenage singer-songwriter Taylor Swift knocked on doors around Music Row, dropping off demo CDs. Her parents eventually saw enough promise to move from Wyomissing, Pa., to Nashville, where Swift became the youngest songwriter ever signed to Sony/ATV Music Publishing at age 14.

Shortly after, Swift landed a record deal with Big Machine. As she was suddenly thrown into an adult world, her songwriting was still very much from a high-schooler’s perspective.

“I don’t know what I want, so don’t ask me,” she sings on “A Place In This World” (Swift, Robert Ellis Orrall, Angelo Petraglia). “ ’Cause I’m still trying to figure it out.”

Her lyrics veer from extreme confidence to self-doubt: “I’ll be strong, I’ll be wrong, oh, but life goes on — I’m just a girl trying to find a place in this world.” She also assures her listeners: “I’m not the only one who feels the way I do.”

This direct connection to her fans — many young girls indeed felt similar to Swift — would catapult her to superstardom. She also captured the insecurities of her teenage fanbase with the darkly sad “Tied Together With a Smile” (Swift, Liz Rose), about a friend who seemed like she had the perfect life yet struggled with bulimia.

“You don’t tell anyone that you might not be the golden one,” Swift sings. “You’re tied together with a smile, but you’re coming undone.”

Album: “Fearless” (2008)

Swift’s solo-written “Change,” an anthem about not giving up, was chosen as a 2008 Summer Olympics theme song, but “Fifteen” was the standout track from the Grammys’ album of the year, convincing critics that Swift was a true force. (Rolling Stone dubbed her a “songwriting savant.”)

In the song, also a solo write, Swift takes on the role of the older and wiser teen: She knows what it was like walking through the school hallways, terrified to make eye contact with anyone but also hoping to be noticed by the cute senior. She tells the cautionary tale of her best friend, Abigail, who “gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind — and we both cried.”

Ultimately, Swift wanted listeners to know it was okay to feel overwhelmed by high school. “I’ve found time can heal most anything, and you just might find who you’re supposed to be,” she sings. “I didn’t know who I was supposed to be at 15.”

Album: “Speak Now” (2010)

Swift wrote this entire album herself. While the quiet “Innocent” got many headlines — it chided Kanye West for interrupting her acceptance speech at the 2009 MTV Music Video Awards — one overlooked song was “Never Grow Up,” a melancholy guitar acoustic tucked between Swift’s forays into rock and pure pop. In the track, 20-year-old Swift grapples with the fear and loss that arrives during the early years of adulthood.

Swift addresses her words to a newborn baby. “Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room, memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home,” she sings, adding, “I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone.”

Swift makes a similar wish to keep an iron grip on memories in “Long Live,” a triumphant love letter to her band and Nashville team, who started as underdogs and conquered the music world. “If you have children someday, when they point to the pictures, please tell them my name,” she sings. “We will be remembered.”

Album: “1989” (2014)

“Welcome to New York” (Swift, Ryan Tedder) kicked off Swift’s official pop era — the album’s opening track was bursting with glee at all the excitement the Big Apple had to offer: “Welcome to New York — it’s been waiting for you!” Swift had only just recently purchased a $20 million penthouse in Tribeca, so she earned some mockery when she was then named New York City’s “global welcome ambassador.”

But the pop star didn’t care as she reveled in the freedom of the city. “Everybody here was someone else before,” Swift sings. “And you can want who you want, boys and boys and girls and girls.”

Theme: Friendship

Album: “Taylor Swift” (2006)

As obsessed as Swift would eventually become with her powerful “squad,” a BFF group made up of models, singers and actresses, she frequently talked about how she was bullied and ostracized in middle school. On “The Outside,” which she wrote by herself as a teenager, you can feel her pain: “How can I ever try to be better? Nobody ever lets me in. I can still see you, this ain’t the best view, on the outside looking in.”

The music video for the buoyant “I’m Only Me When I’m With You” (Swift, Robert Ellis Orrall, Angelo Petraglia) shows Swift goofing around with her bandmates and best friend, Abigail. Although the lyrics allude to romantic soulmates (“I don’t try to hide my tears, my secrets or my deepest fears, through it all nobody gets me like you do”), Swift’s fans have adopted it as an ode to friendship.

Album: “Fearless” (2008)

A similar phenomenon occurs on “Breathe,” co-written with singer-songwriter Colbie Caillat. Listeners could easily assume it’s about a boyfriend (“You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand, and I can’t breathe without you, but I have to”), but Swift confirmed it’s actually about the end of a close friendship.

Swift continued to reflect on the hurt of her middle school days in “The Best Day,” a tribute to her close relationship with her mother. Writing solo, she reflects: “I’m 13 now and don’t know how my friends could be so mean. I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys,” she sings. “And we drive and drive until we find a town far enough away, and we talk and window shop till I’ve forgotten all their names.”

Album: “Red” (2012)

Swift’s most famous — and happiest — friendship song arrived in the form of “22” (Swift, Max Martin, Shellback), an upbeat track that basks in a carefree existence, dancing and making fun of exes and eating breakfast at midnight after a night out: “We’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time, it’s miserable and magical, oh yeah!”

The song’s hidden clue on the album liner notes is “ASHLEY DIANNA CLAIRE SELENA,” also known as her close pals Ashley Avignone, Dianna Agron, Claire Kislinger and Selena Gomez. Swift explained she wanted to write with the attitude of “we are in our 20s and we don’t know anything and it’s awesome.”

Album: “1989” (2014)

Although “New Romantics” (Swift, Max Martin, Shellback) is hidden as a “bonus track” on “1989,” it’s a fan favorite, and Rolling Stone recently ranked itas the second-best Swift song. It has “22” vibes with an ’80s sonic spin, celebrating the heartache and joy of being young: “Heartbreak is the national anthem, we sing it proudly, we are too busy dancing to get knocked off our feet.”

Theme: Fame

Album: “Red” (2012)

By her fourth album, Swift was officially an international celebrity. She also started to collaborate with Swedish maestros Max Martin and Shellback, who helped shape her new pop sound.

But “The Lucky One,” which she wrote by herself, was a bit of a return to form. Like a country song, it tells a story — a starlet accomplishes her dream and then realizes that the perks (“big black cars and Riviera views”) might not outweigh the dark side of fame (“your secrets end up splashed on the news front page.”)

“They tell you that you’re lucky, but you’re so confused, ’cause you don’t feel pretty, you just feel used,” Swift sings. Many guessed that Joni Mitchell was her inspiration. Swift wouldn’t spill, and only admitted in an interview that the song “expresses my greatest fear of having this not end up being fun anymore.”

Album: “1989” (2014)

Swift’s stardom skyrocketed again as her pop songs took on mass appeal. “Blank Space” (Swift, Max Martin, Shellback) is a parody of the tabloid media’s characterization of Swift: A needy serial dater with a long list of ex-lovers who can tell you she’s insane. And someone who, when she gets dumped, “goes to her evil lair and writes songs about it for revenge,” as Swift once put it. Swift started writing the lyrics as a joke, and then realized the character was actually fascinating — as the song goes, “a nightmare dressed like a daydream.”

Martin and Shellback also co-wrote “Shake It Off,” one of Swift’s top-selling singles, an earworm that hits back at her critics who she says are “gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.” In a YouTube interview, Swift said she wanted to write a “joyful” song about the criticism she gets on a daily basis — otherwise she would just burn with resentment forever.

“I Know Places” (Swift, Ryan Tedder) takes a more despondent view of a lifestyle in which privacy simply isn’t an option. Swift has repeatedly talked about the difficulties of starting a new relationship while the world watches and mocks her, and this track is a wistful tune about hiding out: “They are the hunters, we are the foxes, and we run — baby, I know places we won’t be found.”

Theme: Revenge

Album: “Speak Now” (2010)

Swift first displayed her thirst for vengeance against exes on songs such as “Picture to Burn” (Swift, Liz Rose) on her first album and “Better Than Revenge,” about a romantic rival, which she wrote for “Speak Now.” But on that third album, her motivation also went beyond boyfriends with “Mean,” a single that she wrote by herself and that earned her two Grammy awards, including one for best country song. The song’s rumored gen­esis was a critical blog post by music writer Bob Lefsetz, who roasted Swift’s cringeworthy duet with Stevie Nicks at the 2010 Grammys.

In return, Swift painted her critic as an eventual bitter, washed-up loser, “drunk and grumbling on about how I can’t sing.” Swift concludes, “All you are is mean — and a liar and pathetic and alone in life.”

Album: “1989” (2014)

Swift’s most infamous revenge track is “Bad Blood” (Swift, Max Martin, Shellback). Once she revealed that the tune was about a fellow female pop star that tried to “sabotage” an arena tour, the Internet quickly figured out that it was Katy Perry, who hired several backup dancers away from Swift’s Red Tour.

Although it might seem like a benign slight, Swift’s lyrics are rough: “Did you have to hit me where I’m weak, baby, I couldn’t breathe, and rub it in so deep? Salt in the wound like you’re laughing right at me.” Things only escalated when Swift recruited her famous friends for the song’s fiery music video, which shows her vanquishing an enemy. In summer 2017, Perry fired back with a track of her own, “Swish Swish,” although it received more mockery than anything.

Album: “Reputation” (2017)

After her longest break without releasing new music, Swift dropped “Look What You Made Me Do” in August. She and collaborator Jack Antonoff shared writing credits with Fred Fairbrass, Richard Fairbrass and Rob Manzoli, the trio behind “I’m Too Sexy,” because Swift and Antonoff interpolated the 1990s hit.

The dance-pop track declares that the “old Taylor” is “dead.” Still, she leans heavily on her tried-and-true revenge theme, clearly aimed at her nemeses Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West, with whom she has been feuding for years. “The world moves on, another day, another drama, drama,” Swift chants. “But not for me, not for me — all I think about is karma.”

ts1989fanatic other than the last paragraph this is a well thought out piece that actually gets it, Taylor Swift is a brilliant writer who can and does write about many subjects other than her exes.

[accountingfortaste]

The Biggest Logic Hole in the History of Cinema

by Clay Keller

I wish it didn’t have to be like this. Generally speaking, there’s nothing wrong with Clark Johnson’s S.W.A.T. (2003); it’s a relatively diverting LAPD action thriller with a surprisingly solid, “in-their-prime,” cast.* Under different circumstances, producer Neal H. Moritz’s 2 Fast 2 Furious follow-up could be remembered for any number of things. It could be remembered for the cracker jack airplane paintball training sequence, or for LL Cool J’s preposterous abdominal muscles, or perhaps even for Gamble, Jeremy Renner’s emo ex-S.W.A.T. villain, who definitely looks like this:

But that would be under different circumstances. As things are, all of the positive aspects of the fourth of five (!) Colin Farrell movies released in 2003 are overshadowed by the fact that this film contains the single most inexplicable logic hole / paradox in the history of movies.

At this point, you might be saying to yourself, “I don’t remember those parts of the movie that are supposedly ‘overshadowed’ by that other part of the movie that I don’t remember.” And you’d be right, because you don’t care about S.W.A.T., no one does.

But you’re about to.

Part One: The Theme Song

S.W.A.T was not the first time that a television show was adapted into a feature film. In fact, without doing any research, I’d venture to guess that S.W.A.T. isn’t even the second or third time this happened. And when a television show is adapted for the big screen, it is commonplace to include some kind of winking, self aware, moment that lets the audience know that the filmmakers are aware that the story they are telling is derived from a different story that was previously told on a different medium. Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson sharing a scene with the actors who played the original Starsky and Hutch in Starsky and Hutch (2004) comes to mind, or the “does she always look like she’s in slow-motion?” joke from the trailer for Baywatch (2017). There are many more examples, but since those are the only ones that immediately came to mind, they must be the best.

Considering that long, proud tradition, it isn’t unreasonable that the people behind S.W.A.T. wanted to throw in a reference or two to the ol’ TV show. In fact, the fans would expect no less! And the references begin subtly enough, with the famous theme song from the show, originally composed by Barry De Vorzon, woven into the fabric of the score of the film, composed by Elliot Goldenthal. This is great, a nice little nod to the TV show that instantly evokes jaunty 70’s police fun without being too on-the-nose or distracting. Plus, since the characters in movies cannot hear the score music, having the original theme song present there doesn’t create any irreparable tears in the foundational logic of the world of the movie.

So far, so good. But then…

Midway through the movie, after successfully passing the aforementioned airplane paintball trial and officially becoming a S.W.A.T. unit, our heroes go out for a celebratory BBQ dinner. They laugh, drink, ogle Ladies Love Cool James’ abs, listen to a somber speech by Sam Jackson about the unacceptability of dying, and then begin singing the theme song from S.W.A.T. the TV show. All of them. In unison.

At first blush this may not seem like an issue. After all, the S.W.A.T. theme song is simple and catchy. Real-life S.W.A.T. teams probably sing it all the time, like how pilots are constantly humming the Wings theme, and you can’t walk past a fire station without hearing some firefighter jamming out Third Watch on an electric keyboard. The issue comes with the realization that this particular S.W.A.T. team is in a movie directly based on the TV show that this song originates from, sharing their names and characteristics with the characters from said show. If the TV show existed in the world of the movie, and they all know it well enough to spontaneously break out singing the theme, surely by now one or more of them would have had the existential meltdown that comes with noticing that you and your friends have the exact same names as a fictional S.W.A.T. team from a thirty year old television show. Surely.

But maybe not.

While this seems like a fairly egregious oversight, it isn’t completely damning, and, with a little bit of “deleted scene hypothesizing,” can be explained away. Perhaps in the world of S.W.A.T., that catchy theme song did not originate with Mr. De Vorzon and the Aaron Spelling-produced show, which of course couldn’t exist, but rather with our heroes themselves, composed at some point in the course of the narrative and adopted as a personal pump-up jam. As far as I know, such a scene does not exist, but easily could, and would make an excellent addition to one of the films myriad training montages:

For this theory to hold water, one needs to assume that Oscar-nominated composer Marc Shaiman would be friends with Samuel L. Jackson’s Sgt. Dan “Hondo” Harrelson, but Shaiman seems very likable, so I buy it.

Whew, that was close. Clark Johnson, screenwriter David Ayer, and company, almost obliterated the reality of their film for a tossed-off joke, but with a little creative thinking on the part of the audience, the movie can continue on, unabated. All they need to do now is avoid making any more references to…

Part Two: The Actual Goddamn Show

… oh come on.

Mere minutes after the movie’s first flirtation with smashing through the fourth wall like the Kool-Aid Man, we find our heroes enjoying a much-deserved day off.

Sgt. Hondo and Lt. Velasquez (Reg E. Cathy) are putting in some time on the links…

… while Deacon takes his kids shopping…

… TJ (Josh Charles) has a predictably douchey (lunch?) date at a French restaurant…

… Sanchez (Michelle Rodriguez) tests Street’s step-dad potential with a backyard water gun fight…

… and Boxer (Brian Van Holt) shirks his household chores…

… while kicking back on the couch with a lukewarm Dr. Pepper…

… and blithely watching everything he thought he knew about the universe be thrown into utter chaos.

Well, shit. So much for the airtight “personal team theme song composed for them by Oscar-nominated composer Marc Shaiman” theory. This scene confirms it: the TV show S.W.A.T., a spin-off of The Rookies that aired from 1975–1976, exists in the world of the movie. The reason everyone was able to sing the theme song during that scene in the BBQ restaurant is because they are all aware (and presumably fans) of the TV show, S.W.A.T., which, again, exists.

How is it possible, in light of this new information, that every single last goddamn fucking scene in this movie doesn’t play out like so:

It just doesn’t make sense! All things considered, the movie S.W.A.T. should be about regular blue collar cops who, after bearing witness to a glitch in the space-time continuum, slowly lose their minds as they become feverishly obsessed with figuring out how this is possible and if they can fix this broken reality. Not one drug lord should be apprehended from a flaming private jet, not one beach dramatically ran upon by a dripping-wet Colin Farrell. Who has time for that kinda crap in the midst of their psyche slowly cracking into a million pieces? S.W.A.T. should essentially be the same movie as Jake Gyllenhaal’s Enemy, but with significantly more hair gel and leather cuffs; there’s no reason it doesn’t end with every character either dead, in an institution, or facing down a spider the size of a bus.

Part Three: Theories

Honestly, the time for excuses is over. The stretch that was necessary to explain away the theme song gaffe was just barely short enough that I was willing to make it. This, however, is a bridge too far. By including a clip from the actual show, S.W.A.T. earned itself the dubious honor of having The Biggest Logic Hole In The History Of Cinema, full-stop.

However, in blatant defiance of the sentence immediately preceding this one, I am not going to stop, but rather press forward, with a collection of theories that attempt to bring sense to the nonsensical, and fill The Biggest Logic Hole In The History Of Cinema.

Each theory will be followed by points both for, and against.

Theory 1: The characters in the movie all love S.W.A.T. so much that they legally changed their names to those of the characters on the show.

Ok, maybe? But since none of the characters know each other at the beginning of the film, that means they all did this very weird thing independent of each other, and just coincidentally all picked different characters. Then to top it off, they were all recruited for the job that the fictional character that they named themselves after also had, and in the same unit, no less. And then they never spoke about it.

Actually, no. For the one, the probability of that happening is infinitesimal, and for two we know from the movie that Hondo didn’t recruit people based on their names, he recruited them based on their willingness to beat the hell out of suspects, and enjoy “good old fashioned American hot dogs.” Plus, if it was some pro-level “The Secret” shit, they would go on about it non-fucking-stop and they’d be on, like, The Talk, if that’s still a show.

Theory 2: It’s the holodeck, from Star Trek

“Whoa, these theories sure went off the rails quick, didn’t they?” Why yes, they did. The theories went off the rails with a quickness that is in direct proportion to the insanity of the hole.

S.W.A.T. officer Michael Boxer (the grinning layabout we see watching S.W.A.T. on his couch) is actually Lt. Mike Boxer, a security officer on a Galaxy Class starship that isn’t the Enterprise, I don’t know their names, but one of the other ones. Since nothing ever fucking happens out in space (remember, not the Enterprise), Lt. Boxer stares wistfully out at the stars, lost in nostalgic reveres about the good ol’ days of cops and international drug kingpins, until he remembers that there is a holodeck and he can just go and do the damn thing. So, not unlike Capt. Picard and his 40s private eye fantasies, Lt. Boxer wiles away the hours in his program set in 2003 Los Angeles, because really, was there ever a better place and moment in American history?

I’m still thinkin’ no. If this is Boxer’s program, which is assumed because he’s the one who is unequivocally aware of the show, why is he not the lead? Hell, he isn’t even on the poster! Who writes themselves into something as a supporting character who gets shot and has to sit out the entire climax of the story? Unless this is some sort of reverse- Lt. Barclay situation, where in real life Boxer is the cock of the walk and his secret fantasy is to be background bullet fodder… I don’t know. I’ll chalk this one up as a “possible.”

(You: “Wait, the author snarkily implies that, like all cool people, he knows the bare-minimum necessary about Star Trek, but then invokes occasional guest character Lt. Barclay as a reference? Just how much does he actually know about Star Trek: The Next Generation? Is he secretly a big The Talk fan as well?” Me: “Fuck you, that’s how much.”)

Theory 3: Michael Boxer is a bored immortal and/or interdimensional being

This theory is similar to the holodeck theory, but with a less proprietary mythology. Basically, Boxer is an ancient, and possibly interdimensional, being who loved the television show S.W.A.T. so much that he decided his late-20th century game would be organically recreating the program, with real people and real situations. He Marty McFly-ed all of the heroes’ parents (“You know a name I’ve always liked? Hondo...”) then took up some sort of mentorship role during their youths (a teacher, coach, surprisingly wise vagrant, etc) to subtly nudge them in the direction of law enforcement. Boxer has had millennia of practice with human Rube Goldberg puzzles like this, so he’s really fucking good at it and it works like a charm.

“If he was an influential part of their young adulthoods, why doesn’t anyone recognize him as such?” Easy, the mustache. Next.

“Why does he allow himself to be shot at the end of the second act?” Because he needs to take himself out of the situation in order for his little baby birds to fly on their own. Next.

“What about the continued existence of the show? And knowledge of the theme song?” In his capacity as wise vagrant, he indoctrinated his pupils with the idea that television is evil and should be avoided at all costs. As for the song? Welcome back to the game, Clay’s Perfect Marc Shaiman Theory From Earlier!

Holy shit, you guys. I think we did it. We patched the biggest logic hole in the history of cinema. Congrats, Brian Van Holt! Here you’ve been for the last fifteen years thinking you played seventh banana in a moderately successful PG-13 franchise non-starter, when you were actually playing omniscient god-like banana in a moderately successful PG-13 franchise non-starter. I’m glad we were able to do you this service. You can now be at peace.

Part Four: What Come Next?

As you are no doubt already aware, the S.W.A.T. legacy is far from concluded. A new version of the series, from The Shield creator Shawn Ryan and Fast Five director Justin Lin, is premiering this fall on CBS. Oddly, it is an adaptation of both the TV show and the movie, since it incorporates the Chris Sanchez character that was originated by Michelle Rodriguez in the film.

This begs the question, will ageless interdimensional trickster god Michael Boxer also appear in the new series? According to imdb it would seem that he does not show up in the pilot, but that doesn’t mean much. Scripts can be rewritten. Pilots can be re-shot. Just imagine the narrative possibilities of adding a TV-obsessed, all-powerful, immortal character to a gritty LA police / social drama. I’m not saying that it will be better, because that is obvious, and I am not in the habit of redundantly pointing out the obvious.

Do with this information what you will, Shawn Ryan. I know you’ll make the correct choice.

In Conclusion:

*S.W.A.T. is actually a pretty damn good time. Underrated. Check it out. 

[mr-yuri-katsuki]

There will be no more darkness when you believe in yourself.

The last couple of days have had some interesting moments. It seems the theme of this week has been small things happening that show me how much I have changed in just a year.

Yesterday during my first practice session before Yurio came in for his, I decided to do an improvised skate to his short program music, “On Love: Agape”. I love the music so much, and I was just in the mood to work on line, extension and transitions, those “make it beautiful” moments that draw the audience into the piece and the story you are telling that come between the jumps. A lot of the time, something really good will come of those moments where you just let the music guide you. I'm definitely not skilled enough to choreograph an entire program, but I like to have Victor watch me and record these improvised skates in case there's something there we can use later on. He'll also give me notes on what could be done better, what might not look quite right or fit together, and so on.

So I was skating to the music, immersing myself in it, when at one point I looked up in the middle of a spread-eagle and saw Yurio, Lilia and Coach Yakov coming in for their session with Yurio and Victor. Yurio did not look happy at all. I put it out of my mind till the end of the music, went to get Victor's notes, and then my morning session ended. I went rinkside to get out of my skates, and suddenly felt really awkward. The feeling was familiar, and the more I sat there, the worse I started to feel. Then Yurio skated by again and gave me a look I couldn't read and that was that. I went to the locker room and started feeling the awkwardness turn to anxiety.

It's hard to explain to people who have never gone through it that having this is not something you can control. Sure you can learn ways to deal with it, but when it's been ingrained in you for so long, it doesn't take much to kick you back into it. The rapidfire thoughts started flying through my head: Did I step on someone's toes? Did I offend by doing his music somehow? Oh god what if I shouldn't have done that, now what do I do... and onward.

I went to find my phone in my roller bag to distract myself and calm down and when I reached into the front pocket, I found... a cookie. A few days back Yurio randomly bought me six cookies that are loaded with sugary frosting because I was having an off day – which was random and unusual for him. Knowing I'd eat them if I knew where they were, I had Victor take them and hide them. So now, they're turning up randomly because he likes to surprise me. This was pretty much perfect timing and I munched on that while I texted Victor and asked him to come to where I was. He and I have come a long way from Cup of China, where he saw me for the first time at my absolute worst when I launched into a full-blown anxiety attack after being first in the short. We both learned something that day: Him, that asking what he should do and following through was what I needed, and me... that it was okay to ask for what I needed, even if it was only for him to silently support me. So many times I had been told that it was all in my head and I just needed to focus, that I never had the strength to come out and say what I needed to help me through those times that him learning to listen was a big step for us both. So that's pretty much what happened when he found me in the locker room. I told him I needed a hug, and that's just what I got, to take me out of my own head and back to the present.

When I got home that night, Yurio texted me and asked me if something was wrong. I didn't really want to get into it – by that point, I'd sort of put it to rest – but he pushed a bit until I just told him I was worried about something I'd been working on which wasn't really untrue. Nonetheless he said he'd talk to me the next day and today sure enough, he came over to me when he got in and asked if I wanted to have lunch with just him. Now, anyone who knows Yurio knows this is really unusual, so I decided to forgo my usual lunch routine and head to the cafe next door with him after a workout in the gym with Georgi, who was cracking me up with his oddball self today.

I thought it would be awkward because usually if Yurio is talking to me it's about skating, or he's growling insults (which are usually fake) or eyerolling at something Victor or I have said. But instead after we ordered, he looked me dead in the eyes and asked if Victor and I were fighting. It threw me off and I said that no, we weren't and asked why he thought that. Apparently he'd caught my vibe over this week – I had another moment earlier in the week which turned out to be a miscommunication between Victor and I – and was concered something was up. It had been furthered by him having come through the locker room and seeing Victor and I during that moment he was helping me work through the mini-panic I was having. I reassured him everything was fine and used the literal “It's not him, it's me” line to explain things. When I told him what had set me off, Yurio said then that he was in a bad mood at that time because of something Lilia had said, and that he actually hadn't even noticed I was skating to Agape at all.

He asked more about what I had meant though, and that prompted me to explain a bit about the anxiety. Yurio knew very well about my issues with skating (see: GPF 2015 when he went off on me in the men's room), but I don't know if he really knew what was going on. I didn't really go into it in detail, but pretty much explained that Victor and I are still learning, a year later, and the biggest thing is that this will probably be something I'll always struggle with to some degree.

He got quiet then as we ate, and then after a bit he made note that he and I had definitely had our differences, but that “all three of us have changed a lot” as he included Victor too. I told him then that I understood where he was coming from back when Victor came to Hasetsu as well: Victor had been his mentor when he'd come from Moscow to St. Petersburg, and he'd been lucky enough to train alongside the best in the world at a crucial formative age. Any kid would be thrown by suddenly losing that. But even within that, Victor had helped both of us to learn to fight in our own ways. Regardless of whatever happens in the future, Yurio and I share more than a name. We both have a common bond in someone who has been really important to helping us both grow up. He agreed, and got quiet again as we got ready to leave. He refused to let me pay for my lunch, so I owe him one next time around.

As we walked back to the rink he reminded me that, what seems like long ago now, I asked him to teach me how to do a quad salchow. He told me it was payback time and asked me to show him how to do an illusion spin. I said I would.

And then, I told him that Victor had shown me something I didn't know about from Rostelecom: Some footage of Yurio cheering me on, that is until JJ decided to be JJ and harass him for it. I think Victor is definitely rubbing off on me, because the old me would never have teased anyone because I had been through it so much myself. But I winked at Yurio and said that I always knew he loved me.

And as we went into the rink to lace up, we paused to watch Victor working on something on the ice, listening to some music in his head. And all casual like, oh hey, quad salchow, then back to some transition moves because yeah quad, no big deal.

Yurio looked at me and smirked. “Don't tell Victor. He'll send me back to Moscow. He doesn't like competition.”

“Then aren't we both in trouble?” I pointed out.

Yurio blinked, then laughed. “Yeah, I guess we're both fucked!”

A bit less than a year ago, he had no problem literally kicking my ass, and I was seriously intimidated by him, maybe as much as by Victor but in a totally different way. But today was another day that I realized how far I've come, and how much my life has changed. And while it's been kind of insane in some ways and I don't even recognize the old me anymore, I can definitely say I wouldn't change a thing.

[carbonsequestrian]

man i dont even know if i should share this because it’s super weird/ poorly written/ doesn’t make any sense but i feel like i keep too much too myself so here is a block of text i wrote and didn’t edit and if you read it, i love you.

Well, id like to kick off my music blogging career with a piece about a song that has continued to inspire me since the moment I heard it about 5 years ago. Something about the song awakens this dragon in me… or rather, something about the song awakens a knight that is about to go and slay a dragon, and that feeling crashes into every fiber of my being resulting in me feeling fucking powerful. Idk what the secret is. I wish I had found this sound when  I did a song analysis project for my freshman writing seminar back in college. (I chose Sublime’s Santeria for that project… and it was a shit show. Believe it or not, trying to write 10 pages about a song that doesn’t inspire every fiber of your being is insanely difficult. Lesson – if you have to write a lot, write about something you fucking love and admire.)

 The song is Don’t Waste Time Doing Things You Hate by And So I Watch You From Afar of their self titled 2009 release. I think it’s their debut album. Anyway, the band makes instrumental rock music. Stuff that superheroes and supervillains alike would use as a theme song. I discovered them from Worldhaspostrock on youtube, so check them out.

 Of course, now that im sitting down to write about the song I cannot think of any words to say about it. Lovely how that happens. Especially after bragging about how easy it is to write about something you love. HA>

If you’ve ever done something you hate, you sure know how that feels. Part of you feels trapped -momma didn’t raise no quitter – and another part of you is too busy daydreaming about what you’d rather be doing to formulate a plot to get you there. Feeling stuck doing something you hate is exactly how I felt when I discovered this song. I chose my major at college based on what a guy who I’d met over the internet was studying, he called me pretty and would send me ‘good morning’/ ‘sweet dreams’ texts, so we were obviously super serious. And I was going to study the same thing as him and we would conquer the world together, duh. Lo and behold, I hated my major. And because I hated my major, I didn’t really fit in with any of the people I met through my major. There was one chick who I liked because she hated it too, but we were very different people. I did sports in college instead of joining a music group (being in an acapella group was a last minute goal of mine) because A. everyone in my family was super sporty B. no one in my family thought very highly of music and C. I was fucking terrified of it. Every bit of it sends anxiety chills down my spine and up my toes. Singing in front of people in a room? Singing with people? Having people rely on you to do your thing correctly in order to achieve a desired result? Fuck that’s anxiety inducing. And let me make this clear, I don’t have stage fright. But I do have Perfectionist Block (a totally real issue, created by me, ill discuss it further in another post) which makes me extremely hard on myself.

 So anyway, to paint the picture – 20 year old me is in the library for the 50th hour that week (no kidding, I went to Cornell, and seriously spent 6-10 hours a day in the library studying during regular term. Finals/ testing weeks, it’d double) looking for upbeat instrumental music that could make me feel like a bad ass and I find this band. The first song I found by them was The Voiceless, off the same album. That song fucking slaps. I must’ve listened to it 30 times before saying “hey, why don’t I check out their other stuff?” and thus gave this album a listen. I was so stressed that week, so tired, felt so lost and alone. I hated every fucking minute of my life but I was pushing through it because I wanted to make my mom proud. Every morning I would angrily get ready for class, pissed off that elitism and this desperate urge to prove oneself through menial shit such as ‘ivy league’ degrees would push someone to find the line of their breaking point and balance on it. All for what? If I died tomorrow, who could speak of who I am? At cornell, I was a cornell student. That was it. By being there, I wasn’t anything of myself anymore. I wasn’t strong, I wasn’t funny, I wasn’t good with animals, I wasn’t a hard-worker, I wasn’t smart – though, those last traits were implied – I simply became a product of an institution. One that I loved, don’t get me wrong. I had been looking for reassurance/ acceptance/ approval my entire life, and that letter that I got from a world renowned school was it – so I thought. But then I got there and my imposter syndrome went wild. I wasn’t truly smart, or good at learning. In fact, high school had been so easy for me that I was able to scrape by with great grades without ever working on schoolwork outside of school (I’d do my work during lunch, when I would eat in the chorus room/ my English teacher’s room since I had no friends.) at school, I thought I’d made friends, but they ditched me when I needed them most. In retrospect, I should’ve been more forgiving – no one’s perfect -  but ill blame my poor socialization through high school here. I saw kids who worked their asses off day and night. A 16 year old math prodigy lived in my hall. And I had nothing to show for my intelligence outside of the fact I was able to take enough HS classes in middle school that I’d manage to have 4 hours of school my senior year (typically, that time would be so that kids could take extra APs. But I said fuck that.)

 Truth is,  I was so insecure and unsure of myself that being thrown into the lava pit that is college – any college, not just an ivy league – was emotionally and mentally overwhelming. I found myself getting drunk to the point of almost dying most nights. Every time with strangers. I’d often go to the bridges, where so many had leapt to their deaths before, and ponder if that’s where I belonged. Crashing amongst the rocks and water in the gorges. Man, I was fucking depressed. And a ball of anxiety. I had no real identity, you’d ask me what I liked or what I wanted from my life and I’d have no real answer. My answer would vary based on what youtube videos I had been watching that week. I was so scared of being judged.

 Point is, I found nothing that I felt a connection to. Not my major. Not my peers. Occasionally my surroundings, but typically only in the morbid, I’d like to throw myself off this sort of way. Life is so much more complex than those things, and truth is, ill never really be able to explain away all of the different shit in my life that was bringing me down. Making me feel worthless. Dumb. Like I didn’t belong. And the first thing that I felt like understood this, was this song. Even writing that out I feel like it confirms my worst fears, that I am worthless/ delusional/ crazy/ not even a real person. How does one go through 20 years of life and can only feel connected to a pile of noises that a stranger has made and recorded? Wavelengths generated by someone else’s finger tips never felt so good. They resonated through my brain and spoke to my soul. It was like I was being sucked into a black hole and obliterated to nothing. And that was what I needed, because I was able to look at who I was and take a chance to rebuild. To change.

 With no one to talk to, no one who understood me, and no real goals or aspirations in my life/ being too crippled by fear to even take a chance to achieve my goals/ aspirations in life, I darted in the complete opposite direction. Left that ‘dream school’ for a state school 2000 miles away. I still waste plenty of time doing things I hate, but every day I try to do my best to find the things I love. It’s been a long hard road, and I am so unsure of myself. I realize I’ll never have the validation I seek, at least not externally. Still, going to cornell is my greatest achievement and those close to me hold a grudge that I left without fulfilling my diploma. And looking back, I could’ve done it. Taken some time off, sought a therapist outside of the free service offered, opened up to some of the people I had met. Hindsight is 2020. And im here now.

 This song means the world to me. The suspense of the guitar plucking in the intro is an emotion I was swallowed in. the anger and noise of the guitars from 1:11-1:30 was how I felt every morning when I looked at the day ahead. The desperation of the guitars at 2min how I looked at the people around me, who appeared to have their shit all together. Their heads above the water. Looking at me drowning below the surface. But I had a smile on my face, so I must have been fine. Then the clarity that comes at 3mins. The music starts to feel like it’s getting itself together. 3:35-4:15, when big changes happen. And the la la lalalalalas. That’s how I was, just “la de da-ing” my way through life, not really thinking about what I was going to take from this world and my short time getting to experience it. The song gets progressively happier, and calmer, as I hope my own life will be, though I’m still in my 3min phase when it feels like it’s starting to get itself together.

 Ill always hold onto the hard times I went through at school. And ill wish everyday for a time machine, so I could go back in time and tell 18 year old me to just chill and ‘discover yourself, man’ before going to a place that has so much potential. Because the truth is, I was too insecure to be successful at such an institution. I still think I’m too insecure. But at least now I know, and I’m not living under this idea that because I got into a good school I am a good person and good things will come to me.

[watchingthesuperbowl]

Notes taken during Super Bowl XXIII

PREGAME

This is a recording of the UK Channel 4 broadcast, complete with their open. The open music is instrumental and has a very Dr. Phibes-era Vincent Price vibe, as they slowly show a montage of memorabilia and highlights of past Super Bowls.

The music is less spooky now, but is much more somber and subdued, which is really incongruous with what's going on here: The championship game of a fast, violent sport.

This open. Holy crap. It's like five minutes long and has no voiceover. There are facts flying across the screem in text form: The Bengals are the highest-scoring team in the league, Roger Craig has 12 touchdowns this year, Ickey Woods scored 18 touchdowns, Jerry Rice scored 14 touchdown. We got it, guys. You talk now?

Mick Luckhurst appears at the 5:25 mark and is the first person to speak.

Luckhurst: Bengals running back Stanley Wilson will not play today, after a violation of the NFL drug policy.

Analyst Walter Payton: Wilson's absence will motivate the Bengals to win one for him. 

Dan Marino compares the QBs: Boomer is great, deserves to be here. Montana is on a roll. They're two different styles of quarterback. Grades both quarterbacks 10 out of 10.

Herschel Walker: Roger Craig is a gamebreaker. He's a 10. Tom Rathman is an 8. Ickey Woods gets a 9, but the gamebreaker is James Brooks, also a 9. Both running back tandems get a 9 out of 10.

Dwight Stephenson: Offensive lines are evenly matched. Bengals 9, 49ers 8.

Willie Gault: Jerry Rice is the best receiver in the league, has been bothered by injuries this year. John Taylor and Mike Wilson do a good job, both possession-style receivers. For the Bengals, Tim McGee is the possession guy, Eddie Brown is the burner. 49ers 10, Bengals 9.5.

Garo Yepremian: Cofer has a stronger leg, Breech has more experience and more consistency. Bengals 7.5, 49ers 7. Of course, Channel 4 showed the infamous Yepremian pass attempt in Super Bowl VII as they introduced him.

Charles Mann: 49ers defensive line is well-publicized, well known. Michael Carter is a great nose guard. Charles Haley has played well. Niners get an 8.5. Bengals line less publicized. Tim Krumrie is very exciting, the heart of the line. Bengals get a 7.

Harry Carson: Linebackers are basically equal. No huge stars, nobody to write home about, but they play well in their systems. 8.5-7 edge for the Niners again.

Dave Duerson: Bengals get a 6. A lot of interceptions, but they got them because the other teams were behind and throwing a bunch. Niners get a 9. Ronnie Lott et al.

Don Shula: Coaches are master vs. pupil. Wyche coached under Walsh. Walsh has won two Super Bowls, has more experience than Wyche. Wyche is a creative young coach, went through a bad year last year. There was a lot of talk about the Bengals firing Wyche after last season, but knew he was a talented coach and stayed with him. Walsh gets a 10, Wyche gets an 8.

Totals: Niners 80, Bengals 73. The biggest differences were in the defenses.

Channel 4 bump music sounds vaguely like the ALF theme song.

Introductions: Bengals defense. Tim Krumrie gets a huge ovation from the crowd. Sam Wyche lines up in a three-point stance before running on to the field.

Miami fans don't seem to line the 49ers very much. Probably not, after Super Bowl XIX.

Introductions: 49ers offense. John Taylor is introduced first. Jerry Rice gets a massive ovation, of course. Even if you don't like the team, you had to like Jerry Rice. Montana gets a mostly positive reaction, but you can tell he's not the most-loved guy in Miami.

Final predictions: John Smith: Bengals are the team of destiny. Offense can score on anybody, defense has been playing well. Walter Payton: What do you expect from a kicker? Niners will win, Bengals won't be able to match them. Luckhurst: Bengals will win a close game. Their offensive line will be too big for San Francisco D-Line.

National anthem: Billy Joel. Level was super-low at the beginning.

49ers will receive the ball on the opening kickoff.

FIRST QUARTER

Harry Sydney receives opening kickoff as an upback. Hooray USFL!

Dick Enberg: Joe Montana was benched for a couple games in the regular seaason. (I guess you can bench Joe Montana when the backup is Steve freaking Young.)

First play: Reverse to Jerry Rice, gain of 5 or 6.

Niners convert their first third down. Short pass to Roger Craig on 3rd and 4. Offensive lineman Steve Wallace is injured and headbutting the ground in pain. That's not good.

NBC goes to commercial while Wallace is down. Channel 4 goes to Luckhurst, Smith, and Payton in the booth. Luckhurst asks Payton about the first three plays. Tough to really have an opinion here, no? Smith then talks about Walsh's first 25 plays, says Walsh likes to use a trick play in the first 10 plays.

Back to NBC now. Steve Wallace is in a wheelchair. Maybe an aircast. A replay shows when the pass rush hit Montana, they knocked him into Wallace's lower leg, which buckled badly.

Enberg: Preliminary report is that Wallace has a sprained ankle.

Montana sacked once and fumbles once in the three plays after the Wallace injury.

Bengals offense takes the field, gets a large cheer from the Miami crowd.

Payton: A lot of times, you can tell how a game is going to go from the first few plays. 49ers did well, ran the plays they wanted to run and got a first down. If the Bengals go three-and-out, they could be in trouble.

They don't go three-and-out. First play is a 17 yard pass to Eddie Brown. Next play, Ickey Woods for 8, out to midfield.

Third and 3, Woods plows ahead for 8 more, into Niners territory.

Third and 5, Esiason overthrows Tim McGee on a slant. They'll punt on 4th and 5 from the San Francisco 39. I think this is probably a situation where they should go for it, but I understand why they punted. And that's before I see the result: Lee Johnson's kick is downed at the San Francisco three.

During the commercial break, Walter Payton explains what a play action pass is.

First play of the next drive, it's the Krumrie injury. Roger Craig goes up the middle for 8 and Krumrie is injured on the play. I'm not watching this. I know what happened and it's awful. It's a badly broken leg. Enberg and Olsen in the booth don't seem to understand how terrible the injury is. Now they realize what happened on the fourth replay. 

While Bengals trainers work on Krumrie, we learn that Steve Wallace has a broken ankle.

Holy moly, guys, this is the fifth time you've shown the play. Olsen: "I don't think we want to see that one again." References the infamous Joe Theismann leg injury.

Mick Luckhurst in the Channel 4 booth: "Very clearly, we have a broken leg." Yep. Couldn't possibly be more clear.

Payton: Niners offense will attack the player who replaces Krumrie.

NBC runs a fullscreen graphic of a Chuck Knox quote about Krumrie being the best nose tackle in football, bar none.

Initial report on Krumrie: Fractured leg. You think?

Niners offense doing its thing. 8-12 yards at a time, steady progress and they're out near the 35.

David Grant, the guy who replaced Krumrie, elbows Montana to the head after an incomplete pass. Niners out to their 48. Next play, Craig around left end for 9, to the Cincinnati 43.

Montana floats one deep downfield to Taylor. It looks like a clear pass interference call, but the flag isn't thrown. Olsen: Looks like that pass needed to be fair caught.

Quick pass to Rathman who bursts to the Cincinnati 23 for a 17 yard gain on third and ten.

Next play, Montana rifles one through traffic to Mike Wilson who makes a nice catch inside the 5. First and goal, San Francisco.

Not so fast. A replay shows Wilson never had possession. Replay is being shown on the video board in the stadium, players standing and watching the play.

Scoreboardception.

The completion is overturned by replay. It was a clear incompletion. Solid work by the officials.

Next two plays are incomplete passes. Sets up Mike Cofer for a field goal attempt. 41-42 yards. Cofer was 27-38 on field goals this season. One attempt in the postseason, missed a 60 yarder. He makes this one from 41 yards out and it's 3-0 Niners.

Kickoff is into the end zone. Stanford Jennings downs it for a touchback.

NBC graphic: Team that scored first has lost last four Super Bowls. Enberg says team that scored first is 15-7 all-time in Super Bowls.

Enberg: Krumrie is being taken by helicopter to the hospital. Compares injury to a gymnastics injury in Rotterdam. Tim Daggett? Is that a gymnast?

Ickey up the middle, blasts through for 11 yards.

Next play, Ronnie Lott absolutely lays the wood on Ickey. Wow.

Olsen: Lott has knocked himself out a half-dozen times on tackles. Man, remember when it was admirable for a football player to concuss himself, instead of being horrifying?

During NBC station ID break, Channel 4 identifies itself. Neat.

Two incomplete passes later, Lee Johnson comes on to punt.

Time running out in the first quarter, Jerry Rice makes an insane one-handed left handed catch. WOW.

Last play of the quarter, Montana to Craig inside Cincinnati territory. End of the first quarter, it's 3-0 San Francisco.

SECOND QUARTER

Montana deep to an open Jerry Rice, facing single coverage down the right sideline. First and 10 from the Bengals 10.

Niners go four wide and then give it to Rathman up the middle. Spread 'em and shred 'em. Rathman gets to the 2 yard line, it's 4th and 2. They could get a first down, in theory, but realistically this is going to be a touchdown or a turnover on downs.

Bengals call timeout.

No big deal. Just two of the greatest quarterbacks who have ever lived talking to one of the greatest football coaches who has ever lived.

Payton: Montana lulled Bengal defense to sleep with all those short passes, which led Cincinnati to go man-to-man. And nobody can cover Rice deep in man defense.

John Smith: I'd kick it, but I'm a kicker.

Payton: I'd go for it. You either score or you give them the ball at the 1.

Luckhurst: I'd go for it too.

Walsh kicks it. Bad snap, not a great hold, Cofer hooks it wide left. Still 3-0 and the Bengals take over at their 20. Should have gone for it.

Cincinnati goes three and out, Lee Johnson will punt.

Great punt, rolls to the San Francisco 10. Taylor picks it up and runs it back 43 yards into Bengals territory. Looked like he had screwed up badly by picking it up, but he did not.

First play of the next drive, it's intended to be a flare pass to Harry Sydney (go USFL!), but Sydney drops what was a lateral. He falls on it for a nine yard loss. Olsen suggests it may have been a double pass.

Third down, Craig with a big run but coughs it up in the open field when David Fulcher tries and fails to arm tackle him. Bengals recover the fumble.

Enberg: Based on what we've seen, Niners should be up big, but it's just 3-0. Olsen: This is very dangerous for San Francisco.

Esiason has all day and THROWS INTO QUADRUPLE COVERAGE. Somehow it's incomplete.

Esiason: 3-9, 30 yards.

Now he's 3-10 after throwing it away to avoid a sack.

Third down, Boomer is sacked by Haley and Stubbs. Lee Johnson will punt once again. This time, Taylor fair catches at the 10.

Luckhurst: This is one of the best Super Bowls I've ever seen. What do you think, Walter? Payton: *microphone is off*

Last four Super Bowls: NFC has outscored AFC 116-6 (!!!!!) in the second and third quarter.

Niners do almost nothing with the ball other than move backwards. They'll punt. Cincinnati takes over at the San Francisco 43. 4:04 left in the first half.

Enberg: Intermission will be in 3D.

Enberg: Esiason is averaging three yards a pass. As Enberg says this, Boomer hits Tim McGee inside the 25 yard line.

Two-minute warning hits with the Bengals inside the 20.

Payton: Bengals need to control the ball, run up the middle, control the clock while trying to score a touchdown.

Luckhurst: Cincinnati kicker Jim Breech was the guy who got me into gridiron football while we were at Cal-Berkeley. He saw me kicking and said let's go meet the coach.

Third down, Esiason overthrows Brown badly, is very lucky not to have been intercepted. It's field goal time.

Enberg: Breech wears a size 5 kicking shoe, a size 7 on his other foot. That size 5 hits a 34-yard field goal. It's 3-3 late in the second. Enberg says Breech was a Niners fan growing up.

1:10 left as the Niners take the ball. They run and get a first down on first and 10, then go no-huddle. Incomplete pass, it's 2nd and 10 at the Niners' 35 with 41 seconds on the clock. Next play: Montana is sacked. Bengals call timeout with 0:36 left.

Either 1989 Dick LeBeau had a 2017 Rand Paul thing happening or 2017 Rand Paul is going for the 1989 Dick LeBeau look.

Rathman up the middle on third down, doesn't get the first down. Bengals call timeout again with 0:26 left on the clock. Helton on to punt.

Cincinnati with an all-out attempt to block the punt. They don't block it and it's a great kick, downed at the 2.

NBC runs a promo for halftime: Bebop Bamboozled. Channel 4 says they'll show musical sequences from the year. No Bebop Bamboozled for the Brits, it seems.

Esiason takes a knee. Half ends. 3-3.

NBC shows the Krumrie injury again! Good lord.

Enberg: This is the first Super Bowl to be tied at halftime.

HALFTIME

Luckhurst: Not the lowest scoring first half in Super Bowl history. Super Bowl IX was 2-0 at halftime.

Payton: Niners offense is in a good position for the second half. Smith: Bengals defense has been playing well. Fulcher has taken over as the leader of the Cincinnati defense.

Smith: Esiason will throw on first down in the second half, use play action, use his receivers more.

Luckhurst: 49ers should be leading this game by quite a lot.

Channel 4 music montage: Oilers-Raiders highlights set to All Shook Up. This is not so good. Now a backup quarterback montage. (!) Bears, Browns, Cowboys, Oilers, Niners and their backups. Bloopers set to Perfect World by Huey Lewis. End zone dance montage. Now...a George H.W. Bush music montage?!? What in tarnation? The Bush montage now has random football highlights added. Steve Pelluer gets absolutely destroyed with a head shot, Bubby Brister gets sacked. Rusty Hilger is Rusty Hilger. The same cheerleader they keep using in these montages reappears. Now a montage of fired Lions coach Darryl Rogers set to Phil Collins's "Against All Odds". This is bizarre, you guys. Lawrence Taylor highlights set to "Like A Rock" by Bob Seger. Now it's a bunch of assorted stuff set to "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper. I'm not sure that's what this song is about, fellas.

Now Channel 4 shows highlights of the actual halftime show, Bebop Bamboozled in 3D. Luckhurst, Payton, and Smith are all wearing 3D glasses.

Payton: Cincinnati gets the ball on the opening kickoff. If they can move the ball, maybe into Niners territory, that will give them confidence. They should be down 14 points but it's tied and they have a chance.

Smith: Boomer needs to start completing passes and they need to give the ball to Brooks and Woods. So, like, they need to do offense. Got it.

Esiason in the first half: 4-12, 48 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT

Luckhurst: There will be a bunch of points scored in the second half, but I'm not going to predict a winner.

THIRD QUARTER

Closeup of Ickey Woods with "32" written on his helmet in Sharpie in honor of Stanley Wilson. Looks like a bunch of the Bengals did this.

Esiason goes down the middle to Collinsworth. Not a great throw but a terrific diving catch for 22 yards into Niners territory.

Olsen: Tim McGee is hurt, now if Collinsworth is hurt they're really in a bind.

Holding penalty moves Bengals back into their own territory. Olsen says the Bengals were 1-for-6 on third down conversions in the first half.

Swing pass to James Brooks on 2nd and 21 nearly picks up a first down, inside the San Francisco 40.

Enberg: Bengals traded Pete Johnson for James Brooks. Great trade.

Enberg: Tim Krumrie is refusing to go to the hospital. Knows he has a badly broken leg, but worked too hard and will not miss the end of this game, and will talk to NBC during the postgame show.

Third and 10, Esiason finds a leaping Collinsworth for a first down inside the 25. They've burned more than half of the quarter on this drive.

Third and long from the 25, Esiason throws incomplete and there's a flag down. Illegal procedure on the offense. Do the Niners take the penalty and try to push Cincinnati out of Breech's field goal range? They do not. Penalty declined.

Enberg wonders aloud whether this is Bill Walsh's final game as an NFL head coach.

Breech comes out to try a 43 yarder. He's accurate inside 40, but less so from this range. Got it. 6-3 Bengals, late third quarter. 5 minutes and change left in the quarter.

Luckhurst to Smith: What was Breech thinking on this kick? Smith: Breech is accurate out to about 45 yards, which is an interesting insight but not an answer to the question.

Bengals tackle kickoff returner Del Rodgers by the facemask. He looks...not well as he wobbles off the field.

Cutaway: Krumrie in the Cincinnati locker room, watching on television.

Tough as nails.

Niners moving the ball now. Montana scrambles for around 10, then completes a short pass to Rice for 13 more, and they're in Cincinnati territory.

Third and nine, Montana throws to Craig in the flats, but Barney Bussey decks Craig as the ball arrives. Nice defensive play. Enberg says "Barney Bussey" sounds like a football player's name. I think it sounds like a cartoon character's name.

San Francisco punt hits a Bengal blocker (Ira Hillary) in the back of the foot. It's a live ball, but Cincinnati recovers. Barney Bussey again.

Luckhurst: What did Wyche tell Esiason at halftime? Payton: Bengals changed their entire philosophy - gave Boomer the green light to throw it deep.

First play of the Bengals drive, Esiason rolls left and throws it right to rookie linebacker Bill Romanowski. Romanowski tips the ball to himself and it's a big turnover. The first interception of Romanowski's career. San Francisco has the ball inside the Bengal 25.

Third and seven, Montana hits Rice on a slant for six yards. Fourth and one, Walsh sends kicker Mike Cofer back onto the field to attempt to tie the game. Olsen mentions a possible fake. It is not a fake. It is a successful kick. 6-6 tie, less than a minute remaining in the third.

Channel 4 bumper: "AMERICAN FOOTBALL: SUPER BOWL back soon..." superimposed over a shot of the Empire State Building.

On the ensuing kickoff...WOW. Stanford Jennings bursts through the coverage and is gone. The second kickoff return touchdown in the history of the Super Bowl. 93 yard return. (Fulton Walker had the other.) Suddenly it's 13-6 Bengals with seconds left in the third quarter.

I see you, Stanford. Good work.

John Taylor returns the next kickoff, not Del Rodgers. Not sure if Rodgers was injured or it was a coach's decision.

NBC graphic: Team leading after three quarters has won 18 of 22 games.

First play of the Niners' drive, Montana gets blasted just as he throws to Jerry Rice. Rice gets it out to the 46 with some good running after the catch. The quarter ends. 13-6 Cincinnati heading into the fourth.

FOURTH QUARTER

First play of the quarter, Montana throws deep down the right sideline to Craig, who makes an incredible cut, jukes Solomon Wilcots out of his shoes, and gets inside the 15.

Next play, should have been an interception. Montana hits Lewis Billups right in the hands in the end zone. Billups jumped the route that John Taylor was running. Big drop.

One play later, Montana makes Cincinnati pay. Throws a touch pass outside to Rice, who barely gets it over the pylon for a touchdown. Tie game, 13-13.

Jerry Rice doing Jerry Rice things.

Cofer put the kickoff out of bounds. Bengals to start on their 35.

Olsen: That missed interception is the sort of play that turns a game around. Billups dropped that ball, then was covering Rice on the touchdown.

...and suddenly my copy of this game is dead. It's like the file is corrupted. Anyway, I look for a backup copy on Youtube and find one. Hooray!

Esiason's helmet now says "63" on the side, written in Sharpie. Joe Walter? Why Joe Walter? Looking it up, he missed this game due to injury, but had played every other game all season. Okay, that makes sense.

Bengals do almost nothing with the ball and Lee Johnson comes on to boot it away.

John Taylor gives a half-hearted fair catch signal on the punt and the Bengal coverage team blasts him as the ball arrives. Niners recover, luckily.

First play of the drive, Montana goes deep to Rice, who makes an incredible catch over his shoulder. They're already in Cincinnati territory.

NBC graphic: Total yards: Jerry Rice 169, Roger Craig 135, everybody else on the 49ers 42.

Enberg: Doctors have ordered Tim Krumrie to the hospital and he has left the stadium.

Third and 4, Montana looks for John Taylor and David Fulcher knocks it down. They're on the fringes of field goal range and it's fourth down.

Cofer on to kick a 49 yard field goal...no good, wide right. Stil 13-13.

Third and 13, Esiason to Ira Hillary for the huge conversion. Hillary only had five catches in the regular season.

NBC graphic: No Super Bowl has ever gone to overtime.

San Francisco linebacker Riki Ellison's father is at the game from New Zealand. It's the first time he's ever seen his son play football.

Kicker Jim Breech warming up on the sideline.

Esiason to Brooks near the 20. They're solidly in field goal range. Replay shows he was out of bounds, but officials rule that he was pushed out of bounds. I think that's bunk, but nobody asked me.

Sure would be nice if NBC told us how much time is on the clock. Third and 11 for the Bengals at around the 25 after a false start penalty. Ah, 4:08 left. Thanks, NBC.

They just run it up the middle on third and 11. Stanford Jennings up the middle, gets to the 22. Keeps the clock rolling and puts the ball where Breech wants it for a potential game-winning field goal. 40 yarder. Perfect. Bengals 16, 49ers 13. Less than four minutes left in the game.

Del Rodgers is back to return the kick for the Niners. He gets it out to the 20 and is injured on the play. Penalty on the return, half the distance to the goal, and the Niners start at their own 7 with 3:10 on the clock.

Montana to Craig for 9. No-huddle offense. Montana to Frank for about 5. 2:35 and counting.

Montana to Rice. Out of bounds at the 30. 2:28 on the clock. Rice: 9-171-1.

Draw play to Craig. No gain. Clock rolling. We reach the two-minute warning. San Francisco still has three timeouts.

Another run play on third and 2. Craig picks up the first down. There's an injured Bengal on the play and the clock stops. It's Jim Skow that's injured.

First down, Montana to Rice, out of bounds at the Cincinnati 47. A field goal ties it. 1:49 on the clock.

Montana to Craig up the middle. First down to the 36 yard line. 1:30 and counting. Montana looks for Rice, overthrows him. 1:22 left.

Montana to Craig over the middle again, near the 20. Flag on the play, ineligible receiver downfield. Big penalty on Randy Cross in his final NFL game. 2nd and 20 from the Cincinnati 45. 1:15 left.

Montana to Rice across the middle, breaks a tackle and gets 27 yards, across the Cincinnati 20. Less than 0:50 on the clock. They're in field goal range, although Cofer has already missed two today.

Now Montana to Craig. Gets to the 10. 0:39 left on the clock. Niners call their second timeout.

Montana finds John Taylor on a slant in the end zone. Perfectly thrown ball, touchdown! 19-16 San Francisco, pending the extra point. Got it. 20-16 Niners now. The Bengals need a touchdown to win.

Enberg: John Taylor, who sells cars for Reggie Jackson in the offseason, has hit a home run.

0:34 on the clock. James Brooks and Stanford Jennings back to return the kickoff. Brooks takes it, gets to the 26. 0:29 on the clock, Bengals have all three timeouts.

San Francisco comes out with seven DBs.

Esiason to McGee, out of bounds at the 30. Next play, Esiason sacked, Bengals call timeout. 0:17 left. Two timeouts.

Third down, Esiason overthrows Collinsworth at the 43. It's now fourth down, not that it really matters. 0:10 on the clock.

Esiason throws up a Hail Mary on fourth down. It's incomplete as the clock runs out. Final score: San Francisco 20, Cincinnati 16.

[anxiety-trademark]

The week in review:

Raw 08/31 NXT 09/01 Smackdown 09/04

Raw:

Still like ShaNia.

Unclear on why being merely pushed sent Shayna out of the camera’s field of view for 8 seconds, but alright.

Me: *likes Nattie and Lana together* ; wwe: “How about a feud with them vs Asuka?”; Me: “...you know what, nvm.”

The absolute state of Becky’s title, yikes.

This segment needed more hairdryer crowd noise.

They’re not wrong, that ring gear is insanely outdated.

Lana “elevating this entire women’s division” pppfffftttttt

“If you wanna get to her you gotta go through me,” with all due respect to Nattie - cuz I DO respect her - who is trying to get to her? Who in this segment has mentioned her name??

The way Lana never lets herself get properly thrown out of the ring. Ugh.

Coach Nattie “harder Lana” Neidhart, everyone.

Watching Asuka on commentary just adds to the positives of pairing her with Charlotte. Sorry I’m not into the random yelling Japanese, with nothing being accomplished and zero questions being answered. I’m jumping ahead of myself here though.

No seriously what happened to the pants Mickie used to wear on SD back in 2017?

That was a match. If I had positives to give, I’d give them. Anyway.

I haven’t said how much I like the backstage interviews taking place in a mock ring, but I’m a fan. I love wwe for its impressive amount of over-the-top production, and small things like this just adds to the product imo.

This is cute, sad, and a little too on the nose. I’m a fan of how they’ve built up Riott Squad’s bond, but it’s too obvious who’s losing. They deserve the time, though.

iiconics had a niche; neither will shine as singles stars.

Also don’t like that the shades of their blue gear don’t match. Nitpicking again, I know.

Really liked iiconics’ theme. rip.

Somehow, after all these years, I’m still shocked at how bad Billie Kay is at selling. You’re being punched in the face. Just PRETEND like she’s making contact, please. You’re staring right fucking at her.

Good positioning of the ref and good camera work, did not see Liv coming to intercept Peyton on behalf of Ruby. Points to everyone.

Wow couldn’t finish it with a finisher? Is there a reason we need to protect Billie Kay of all people??

“Over a decade of friendship is gone,” what a bad line, Tom.

*Jassamyn & Marina dominate Raw Underground* No.

Highlight: ShaNia interview prior to Asuka joining in

---

NXT:

*Tegan looks back at her time with Candice* No.

Why isn’t nxt in the Thunderdome? Why are all these people crowded together? Hello, covid anyone??

Candice gets 1/4 a point for the annoyed look she gave Kacy and Kayden, cuz I actually nearly laughed.

Kacy willing to take bumps. Beautiful neckbreaker, beautiful bump onto the floor.

...Did Candice just do a poor woman’s version of Charlotte’s Natural Selection? EXCUSE ME??!? Negative 20 points.

All that setup just to push her face into the mat. Okay. Oh that was her finisher. Wow, once again I sat through a Candice match that I immediately regretted.

*Candice wants to reconcile with Tegan* No.

This is why losing to Charlotte was a good thing for Rhea, she has honed her craft in every single category since wm. Great promo.

That is not at all how I expected Mercedes to sound. And a 12 word promo... Kay, anyway.

Highlight: the neckbreaker Kacy took

---

Smackdown:

“Bayley, Shayna’s tapped you out the last 3 times you were in the ring with her,” LMFAOOO I’m crying omg. That sentence and its reactions get mad points, whew.

I’m questioning the stupid smile on Bayley’s face the entire time Sasha straight went off, and I’m realizing that as much as she’s improved, there’s a reason I still rate Sasha as a better actress.

Every time I hear Sasha’s entrance, I just want to jump to an old match to hear the good version.

The way they transitioned from Nia’s music into Shayna’s should be a staple. Beautiful.

Not an ounce of me needs this pre match commentary.

Lol mirrored ragdolling. Didn’t even realize Shayna was that strong.

I like that struggle by Bayley while being forced into her opponents’ corner.

Fantastic attempt to separate Bayley’s shoulder, points.

Sasha is my all-time favorite opponent of Nia’s. Usually I favor Bayley’s speed, but I love Sasha’s “flurry of offense,” as they call it.

OOF a rope hangup into a power bomb on the floor. Well done. Points for the combo move, points for the bump.

Sasha in her desperate pin attempts is always great.

“rare miscommunication between Banks and Bayley,” it wasn’t terrible, but very noticeable... and very rare indeed. Still the best tag team in the entire division - or at least they were lmao.

This match is way better than Payback. I feel like it’s longer as well.

Ohp Sasha’s knee is dead.

“What we didn’t see is Nia Jax rip Bayley off the apron,” and why the hell did no camera catch that, especially on the network? Billion dollar company btw.

It’s a good finish though. These 2 were exhausted and on their last leg (lol literally) it’s buyable for a crossbody by Nia to finish them off.

One thing I like about this was Bayley’s premeditation. It wasn’t a random act of violence.

This is the first time I think I’ve ever seen Sasha’s infamous knee pads that protect her from doing an INSANE amount of damage to her knees like 15 times per match lmao. Wonder if she wears anything protective on her poor shins, or if they’re just indented and bruised to all hell.

MAN I wish this had a crowd just to gauge the reaction.

“Don’t look at me like that” whew it’s misty in here. Sasha does vulnerable, heart broken, kicked puppy REALLY fucking well, wbk.

That moment when Sasha “I’ll sell ANYTHING” Banks stops selling moves because her body is fucking rekt. Sad. My god her body shook on impact of that kick to the back. BAYLEY CALM DOWN.

“YOU HAPPY MICHAEL COLE? HUH?? IS IT BOSS TIME NOW?!?” lmaooo

I like the imagery of Bayley standing over Sasha, holding her face up and screaming at her, but the dialogue was weak.

Long segment to not be broken up by security/officials.

Curious to know why Bayley decided to fuck up Sasha’s neck.

Love how Sasha shakes her arm after the stomp. She’s so good.

Sasha with a neck brace on a stretcher... getting ptsd flashbacks from hiac 2016.

Fine segment, glad it happened. Some kinks I would’ve ironed out, starting with the length, but that’s nitpicking. Not the greatest betrayal I’ve ever seen, but I give them points for having it be by Bayley’s hand rather than the typical Sasha’s.

Omg one of Bray’s puppets is in the back.

Love that there are more dreads in Lexi’s hair.

Lexi gets cute points. She’s cute. Sue me.

The madness continues. We’re in this for the long haul, huh.

I realize Nikki is totally secondary, but she’s selling all of this really well. Alexa needed someone who cares about her to help make this stick, so points to Nikki.

Highlight: ShaNia vs Baysha

---

*Smackdown easily shined the brightest this week. Following a great match, Bayley and Sasha finally split up after teasing this shit for over a year. Enough said.