#my perfectionism is out of control truly

[chiyune]

first impressions :3

[mysterycitrus]

Clearly you’ve got a lot of opinions abt the characterisations of the batfam in fandom /pos

Can you elaborate on your interpretation for all of them? /gen

it’s called caring too much — and it’s incurable! wrt my personal interpretation, that's a long and complicated answer, so ill just focus on the internal character of the waynes (specifically bruce and his five canonical kids).

bruce wayne is a control freak, we know this. his parents were killed for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and he has literally never ever been able to truly process it. the degree to which he is controlling - firing robins, survelling his allies without their consent, compiling personal information from others, disregarding others feelings in favour of his own - is all about trying to achieve the best possible outcome. everything he does is justified, because if he's in control then he can stop bad things from happening. it is all in favour of the greater good. it's the logic of an eight year old who's just lost everything and hasn't grown up.

if bruce's trauma manifests control then dick's manifests personal perfectionism. he holds himself to such an absurd standard because he's a flier - when you're catching someone on the trapeze you quite literally have to be there, always, ready to take their hand. if you don't, they fall. if there's no net, if dick isn't the net, then they die. he’s always swinging back out and in again, waiting for the next person to slip through his fingers. he does not fear falling, only what will happen when he hits the ground. he’s a born performer made to be an atlas, carrying an unbearable weight that anchors him to the earth.

jason after death is a tragedy of his own creation, and dc's worst crime is trying to justify the terrible decisions he makes. jason isn’t right, because what he wants is not about protecting other kids from his fate or being a better batman. he wants to be personally vindicated, even though he knows it's impossible. jason rejected himself, bruce, everything, in order to transform into a weapon to enact violence. deep down he's so angry, so hurt, that he'll go after other children - tim, damian, mia - and still decry bruce in the same breath. killing the joker, killing bruce, killing dick, killing every robin before or since won't take him back to who he was before. you cannot go back. you can never go back.

cass sees everything. she can't unsee it, she can't ignore it, nothing in the body can be truly hidden from her, but like bruce that doesn't mean she's always right. she killed a man and witnessed his death, and thus will never take another life. she is all knowing, but she was not born knowing herself. she's jason in reverse — she turns from steel to flesh and bone. she will do whatever it takes to be good. she has made herself real.

tim chose this life in the most literal sense of the word, and then kept choosing it. it’s his duty, it’s his honour, it has hollowed him out and left nothing behind. his tethers to the world snap one by one — janet and jack and darla and dana and steph and kon — and suddenly it’s much harder to extricate himself from the black. robin, dick grayson, is his guiding north star, but his north star is only human. he knows he is capable, he knows this is his choice, and he knows he has long since lost the chance to unchoose.

damian is raised in the shadow of the bat. he is born of blood. he knew death before he knew his father. he is a child. he is ancient. he is a killer. he only wants to do good. he loves his mother. his father is gone before he learns to love damian. damian loves someone else who wears the bat but does not carry wayne name. everything he knows about himself is questioned — robin is given to him, and suddenly he can decide his own fate, make his own family. he wants to be the best, but he doesn’t know what he wants that to mean anymore. he wants the chance to find out.

[skzoologist]

The link

word count: ~1.8k

warnings: angst, hurt/comfort

summary: Everyone has their own limits, but some turn a blind eye to it.

a/n: If there are any mistakes to this, please tell me so I can fix them, as I wrote it past midnight when I wasn't feeling well. I ran through it the next day, but I am just one person and so mistakes could have easily slipped past me. Either way, I hope you enjoy it!

Back to the masterlist

Please let me know if I left a warning or anything out, I will add it in! Reblogs, likes and feedback are greatly appreciated!

!I don't condone anyone stealing my work and posting it anywhere without my permission, or feeding it to AI!

!This is just fiction, my interpretation of Stray Kids. By no means is this how they are and how they behave in real life!

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Bae had been feeling off all day, from the very moment he had opened his eyes. It was an unsettling feeling, one that sat heavily in his stomach and made his organs twist into knots, like a myriad of snakes piled on top of each other.

Then he met the others and it all became clear, the air so tense you could basically cut it.

He felt nauseous.

It was comeback season; their album was nearly releasing and so everyone had been working day and night to perfect their skills, to perfect this gift for their fans. Each member sported an aura of exhaustion around them, the skin underneath their bright eyes dark and dull. Some looked more worn down than the others, contagious smiles not quite reaching their eyes.

Bae wasn't an exception to this, far from it. He had pulled his fair share of all-nighters, only beaten by 3RACHA themselves. Perfectionism ran in his veins, and so he could easily recognise when someone was trapped in their own mind, ruining their body for the sake of some unattainable perfection.

And it didn't take more than a single glance to see it on Chan, the signs all there and hard to deny.

The male looked like death itself, forced into a prison of flesh and hating every second of it. Those chocolate eyes were dull, never truly seeing what was in front of them unless it was that cursed laptop screen he had spent days upon days staring at. Not to mention how irritable he was, snapping so easily that the younger members were now afraid to approach him, sparking quite a few confrontations that were hard to break.

And Bae was forced to witness it all, heart heavy as their strong leader was crumbling to the ground in front of his very eyes.

It was late at night that Jisung asked him to stop by their studio, needing some advice and Bae had always been happy to help, especially in such stressful times. No matter how much his own joints ached, mind on the brink of exhaustion, he would always heed the members’ calls. And so his hands deftly packed his bag and locked the room, being the last one to stay behind and practise the dance moves until they were burned into his synapses.

He made quick work of the way there, empty hallways bright in contrast to the outside world that was bathed in darkness.

Once he reached the door, he peeked his head in, no need to knock as he was a regular there. Jisung noticed him almost immediately, as if the male had been staring at the door this whole time, rushing to his side with an almost panicked look. That made the alarm bells inside Bae’s head ring ceaselessly, already guessing that it was about Chan; and it wasn't anything good.

“Hyung, oh my god I'm so happy you're here. Chan hyung’s out of control and at this point you're the only one that can help.” - the frightened boy rushed out, words nearly unintelligible.

Bae held Jisung close, running a calming hand through the younger's dark locks as he put a tiny smile onto his face, hoping to reassure and calm the slight trembles in the other’s body. He already knew what this was about; sadly it wasn't the first time, and most definitely not the last.

“It's okay Sungie, go back to the dorms. I'll take care of it, hm?” - he hummed out, voice low and unwavering.

Jisung nodded, looking up at him with wide, grateful eyes. With a small push of his hands away the quokka went, and he was forced to address the heated argument that could be heard from inside the room by now.

Right, Changbin was still in there with Chan.

With a deep inhale Bae pushed the door open, softly closing it after he slipped inside. A sight he was unfortunately familiar with greeted him: Changbin was shouting back at Chan, both participants equally frustrated with each other. So much so that they didn't even notice him, only when he placed his hands on the younger's shoulders, touch firm yet gentle.

“Bin, I got this. I'll pack up afterwards, just go after Jisung. Please?” - Bae asked in a soft voice, his voice only heard because the two were surprised into silence by his sudden appearance.

When he felt that the other was about to protest, unable to let things go, he hugged Changbin from behind and gently squeezed him into himself. It was something he had always done in times like these, when things got too heated; and it never failed to calm Changbin down, something he was hoping to achieve at that very moment.

It seemed to have worked once again as the younger's shoulders slightly relaxed, a long sigh heard from his direction. Bae patted his back, watching him leave before he steeled himself, eyes now staring at Chan.

Chan, who went back to working on a track, jaw set so tight Bae was afraid the man would break a tooth. Still, he knew he wouldn't have an easy time with the older and so he softly called out to him, slightly dejected at the lack of reaction.

That didn't deter him and so he tried again, only to have the raging storm that was now Chan directed at him.

“What? You're gonna tell me to go back and rest too? Save it, I don't fucking need it right now.”

Bae took in a deep breath, the burning in his lungs grounding him and granting just enough distraction to steel himself. His hyung wasn't acting like how he usually did; these words weren't truly his.

“If you're just gonna stand there, you can go. You're bothering me.” - Chan mumbled and Bae could feel his own storm brewing inside, answering the older’s in a silent rage.

With a single step he closed the distance, hand slamming against the table with such vicious force that Chan flinched, wide eyes now blinking up at him.

“I don't need your sass right now either!” - he hissed out, face now so close to Chan’s that he could see the wonderful array of browns swirling inside those eyes.

He took another breath, eyes slightly narrowing down at his entirely too tired hyung.

“I understand the pressure you're under, and you know I do. It's not easy to be the leader of our group, especially when it's comeback season and work buries us alive. But please, listen to us. You need rest now, not more work!” - his voice was determined, words cutting straight to the point as he knew just walking around it with pretty sentences wouldn’t work.

His pleas fell on deaf ears, Chan’s eyebrows furrowing in renewed anger.

“I know my own limits, so y’all can stop pestering me so damn much.”

Bae never wanted to hit Chan so much before, to make the older see some sense already. He could feel his own pulse climbing, heart beating faster and faster. That sickening feeling that resided in his stomach was now replaced by burning acid. The sorrow he felt for the man was the only thing keeping it in check.

“If your limits include snapping at us constantly, then by all means, go ahead. I'll just go back to drying up Innie’s tears then, but maybe Sungie joined him by now too.”

Bae was aware how cruel saying that was, and his heart hurt at the words. But nothing else worked when Chan became blinded by deadlines and the impossible weight of public expectations; he knew, he had tried everything in these past years without any success. His heart ached and broke into tiny pieces at his hyung's expression, eyes now wide and filled with nothing but immense guilt and regret.

Before Chan could say anything Bae pulled him close, not caring how this awkward position was hurting his aching back. He could feel the older tremble in his hold, hands latching onto him as if he was Chan’s lifeline.

There was only silence after that, no sound heard besides the occasional quiet sniffle. Bae didn't acknowledge those quiet little sounds, instead he soothingly ran a hand over the other’s back and drew little shapes into the clothes skin there. The hold on his clothes tightened, making his heart squeeze painfully, pulling the other impossibly closer to himself.

Once he was sure Chan was calm enough, he gently pulled back, giving his hyung an understanding smile.

Chan was always there for all of them, giving them a shoulder to lean on whenever they needed it. He was a constant in their life, their rock, their pillar; something they could lean on when times turned harsh. There was not a day when none of them leaned against their oldest hyung in a way, may the reason be something silly like a lost game, or something serious like the fear of failure.

It didn’t take long for the older to weasel his way into Bae’s heart, and so he swore to himself that he would let Chan lean on him, seek comfort in him, no matter what.

“I'll pack up and then we can go, alright? Save your work in the meantime, before it gets lost.” - he gently instructed before doing as he said he would, waiting for his hyung's nod.

There wasn't a lot to pack up, only Jisung and Changbin’s jackets, along with a bag that belonged to the former. Bae put them all together, the bag slung over his shoulder and the jackets tied around it, leaving his hands free.

“Ready?” - he asked, glancing at an awaiting Chan.

The male stood there, eyes cast towards the ground in shame as his hands fidgeted and tore at his nails. Tension was visible in the older's form and Bae could feel his heart painfully squeeze at the sight, silently beckoning Chan over.

Once his hyung was in reach he kneeled down, back open and turned towards the other.

“I don't-... Bae…” “Hyung, please?”

His voice was nearly pleading, wanting to lessen Chan's burdens as much as possible. Thankfully there were no more protests heard in the silent room as the older climbed onto his back, actions slow and hesitant.

With a single motion Bae stood up, a surprised little sound escaping the one he carried. It drew the smallest of chuckles out of him, yet he just silently went on his way back to the dorms, letting the teasing comments die on his tongue.

It was quiet, neither of the two really spoke on the short trek. They didn't need to; there was a certain level of understanding between them, forged by the time and difficulties they had faced together. It was more than enough for Bae to understand Chan’s silent words, his hyung practically melting into his hold as time passed. That hold around his neck was steady, trusting, and he couldn't ask for more.

“Thank you.” - the words were murmured into his skin sleepily, drawing a small smile out of him. “I'll always be here for you, Hyung.” - his words were but a whisper, afraid to shatter the tranquillity that settled over them.

[franklyimissparis]

mr schwartz: a line-by-line queer-coded lyrical analysis

warning: this is quite long but mr schwartz is one of my favourite songs off the car album (and one of my favourites of alex’s in general) and i’ve ALWAYS read it as super queer but have yet to dive into precisely what makes it queer and the themes within it. it’s TRULY such an understated lyrical masterpiece.

Put your heavy metal to the test

- this is a play on words of the phrase ‘test your mettle’ which basically means to see whether or not someone will carry on through something that is difficult. immediately, this indicates that the relationship between alex and the other person is a difficult one and requires strength/determination to move forward with

- it also could refer to heavy metal music (which isn’t a very traditionally romantic genre) as is played off of in the next few lines

Might be half a love song in it all for you

- the phrase “half a love song” is particularly interesting to me as there are many ways to take it: it could be half a love song because it is unfinished or because it isn’t fully a love song (and both interpretations tie into other lyrics in the song)

- if we go down the route that it’s only half a love song because it isn’t fully a love song, it implies that there is more to the relationship than romance or that the song/relationship isn’t meant to be viewed (solely) through a romantic lens (but the other person may see it as such)

- whereas the idea that the song is unfinished could either suggest a lack of passion or the feeling that the story isn’t done yet.

- it could also communicate that the someone else needs to finish the song for alex - which is somewhat implied in the previous line. this could also indicate that, like alex, the other person gets musical inspiration out of their relationship

Timing wise, it’s probably for the best

- the use of “timing” ties in with the musical references but also highlights that the relationship is heavily tied to the timing of what’s going on in their lives (invoking “right person, wrong time” in a way)

- alex is acknowledging that because of forces outside of their control (i.e. time) it’s probably best they don’t pursue a serious relationship (or, like the previous line, a “full” love song)

Come here and kiss me now, before it gets too cute

- he’s asking his lover to quickly kiss him before they can let the moment become sweet, implying that, while he is fine with the physical aspect, the emotional side of things makes him uncomfortable

- musically, he also wants to avoid being cheesy or overly sentimental which ties in thematically with the ultracheese as well

- it’s important to note that this is also the only explicitly romantic line on the entirety of the car album: this (and the half a love song line) is the only line on the album that cannot possibly be read as platonic

Mr Schwartz is stayin’ strong for the crew

- here we switch to discussing the persona/character of mr schwartz, which as seen later, is obviously meant to be an extension/alter-ego of alex himself

- the reference to “staying strong for the crew” directly after talking about his lover implies that there is a conflict between the two: that staying strong for the crew entails keeping an emotional distance from his lover

- he recognises that those around him rely on him to keep up his persona to do their jobs (in this extended metaphor of a film set)

Wardrobe’s lint-rollin’ your velveteen suit

- alex is known to emphasise his personas via clothing choices and the velveteen suit is representative of that here. the crew removes any imperfections, like the lint, off of the suit (the persona)

- this also ties into alex’s obsession with perfectionism and control and how, though he is wearing the suit (i.e. persona), there is a mutual reliance between him and the “crew” to maintain his image

- also have to mention that velveteen is a rather untraditional material choice for something as traditional as a suit, there is a bit of a clash here between the two (a fully velveteen suit could also be seen as quite camp - and is also very 70s, which ties into eycte’s aesthetic too)

And smudgin’ dubbin on your dancin’ shoes

- dubbin makes leather softer and waterproof: again, others are trying to prevent damage from occurring to the persona

- this could also refer to the musical direction that the band has gone to in tbhc and the car: their music is softer and more contemplative than it was before, especially since ‘dancing shoes’ is also a song off of their first album. this could be commentary on how alex’s personas have evolved and the mixed reactions he’s gotten from his audience over it

Gradually, it’s coming into view

- we move from music imagery to film imagery with the line “coming into view”.. things were blurry or unclear before but he (or the other person) are slowly coming to realizations about their situation

It’s like your little directorial debut

- having a directorial debut suggests that this is the first time they are taking control of a situation and telling others what to do, they are directing someone else instead of being directed - with the word little being used to emphasise that this isn’t a massive change yet

- but he’s also directing himself to behave in a certain way: alex is directing his new persona, mr schwartz, in his debut

As fine a time as any to deduce

- to me this line also implies that this realisation has sort of been a long time coming, they’ve been through this cycle so many times that they might as well come to the realisation now

The fact that neither you or I has ever had a clue

- going into the next verse as well, this hints that alex and his lover have had struggles with seeing where alex ends and the persona begins and have also never been able to get their relationship right as a result

And if we guess who I’m pretending to be

- here he is confirming what is obvious: alex is mr schwartz and the persona is clearly differentiated from himself as “pretending”. alex and his lover are both keenly aware that mr schwartz is a persona which almost becomes a joke to them in the next line

Do we win a prize?

- alex pokes fun at how obvious it is to him and his lover that mr schwartz is a character but i think he’s also pointing out here: do we get anything out of the persona that i’ve created?

- he’s questioning, perhaps for the first time, if in the end keeping the persona up will be worth it to him and his lover or if it is all meaningless

Having attempted twice, both incorrectly

- okay so obviously the majority of us reading this are immediately going to go to a certain side project of alex’s and the two albums they’ve released (with talk of there being a third to complete the trilogy)

- this suggests that there have been two attempts at happiness between him and his lover but both times there was something fundamentally wrong with the relationship that caused them to drift, which is likely related to the act that he is putting on

Do we get a third try?

- the phrasing on this line is interesting as well as alex doesn’t ask his lover directly like “can we have a third try?” instead, he poses this question more existentially: will a third try be given to the two of them? it implies that he and the other person aren’t in control of their situation to some extent, they have to rely on being given chances by others.

- though this also could be interpreted as alex shirking responsibility of the situation onto others instead of being straightforward. he simultaneously wants and does not want control.

The gloved hand’s reachin’ in to hit the switch

- by wearing gloves, there is the desire to avoid leaving fingerprints/evidence of the relationship. and because the hand is gloved it is intentionally anonymous: is it alex’s hand? mr schwartz’s? the other person’s? or someone outside of things meddling in the relationship?

- interesting also that a switch is a binary thing: either on or off (gay or straight, platonic or romantic, alex or mr schwartz) ignoring the possibility of things being on a more complicated spectrum as is implied earlier (“half a love song”)

- hitting the switch is sometimes used as a euphemism for triggering a permanent change but can also be seen as a temporary action (the switch can be endlessly turned off/on), highlighting the back and forth in their relationship.

There’s not one goddamn thing that you can do about it

- this is the only time alex curses in the song which highlights how frustrating the persona and lack of power can be

- he feels stuck in the situation, just continuously flicking the switch between persona and reality, and indicates that his lover is also likely frustrated at this too. though they want to help fix the situation, they can’t, or at least they feel like they can’t

But Mr Schwartz is havin’ tea with the grips

- again, he’s switching back and forth between the real him and mr schwartz: while alex is frustrated and insecure about the lack of control in his life, mr schwartz charms those around him and takes hold of the situation

- more film imagery with mentioning the grips (those who help with camera and lighting equipment on a film set): to me, this line is fascinating as we’ve seen that everyone (including the crew) is working towards keeping the mr schwartz persona up and through the metaphor of the film set they are creating something imaginary, however, behind the scenes the grips still get to be real people with real families while alex, or mr schwartz, has to continue to keep the persona up.

Askin’ after all the wives and the kids

- the use of the phrase “askin’ after” instead of “talking about” etc. implies that the question is not mutual: mr schwartz is not being asked about his wife/kids because he does not have any and the others know it. yet he knows that it is important that he shows interest in their nuclear families. this is also clearly commentary on how alex is the only unmarried and childless member of the band

- it could be seen as him directing conversation away from his personal life: focusing on others and letting them talk is more comfortable than discussing yourself honestly and breaking the act

It’s at the heart of what the business is

- the final line of the song breaks down the essence of why the persona is kept up: ultimately, it is a business decision. alex understands how closely tied together business and personal lives are as a celebrity and is invested in the persona to keep the two separate, though by choice or force is up for debate

- also poses the question of whether or not he’s genuinely interested in their lives or if it is just business to him. it could be read as bittersweet in the sense that the heart of the business is human connection, but if you don’t conform you aren’t allowed to drop the act without punishment

- finally, this line also ties back to “staying strong for the crew”: he has to keep up the persona so that the ‘crew’ can continue to work and take care of their families. and hearing about them is both a reminder of what he is denying himself and what is at stake for the others.

to summarise: alex is torn between putting on the straight persona of mr schwartz and being truly himself within the fractured relationship he has with his lover - which has been heavily influenced by external and internal pressures. gee i wonder who the song is about (rhymes with schmiles schmane.)

[mysaldate]

I need to thank @drawsmaddy for this incredible set of doodle commissions! This crossover has been living rent-free in my head for AGES now and I so desperately wanna talk about them aaa but I've already bothered all my friends with them so much ;;;

First off we got Michael and you KNOW he had to be the dorm leader of Heartslabyul. Unless Riddle is present in this crossover, then I think it might go either way honestly. On one hand, Michael was perfectly fine following orders when he played the role of Elliot but on the other hand... he is the guy the writers marked down as the sorest loser and he does have major control issues lol. Either way though, I think he and Riddle would have a lot in common and a lot of mutual respect is to be found. Other than Riddle, I think the relationship with Trey would be very interesting too because while Trey does share some traits with Uriel, he wouldn't need to see Michael completely beaten down into the dust to realize that the guy has TraumaTM and start doting on him. Michael would probably find that unpleasant because it reminds him a touch too much of Metatron but Trey doesn't have those usurper tendencies that make Metatron so dangerous so maybe he'd be chill with it eventually.

William is another hot candidate for Hearts dorm leader, definitely with his perfectionism and being used to sitting on the top but I feel like if we take William at the end of the series (or really anywhere past him realizing he does actually have human care and emotions), he would let Riddle sit in that throne and just befriend him. Again, the two are very similar and there is also the same connection with Trey except William wouldn't be a little bitch about it. I feel like he would be Cater's nightmare though because he is way too good at reading people. He'd also get along so well with Azul for obvious reasons xD.

Dantalion is prime Savanaclaw material. Not only is he insanely athletic but he also tends to go for the easiest solution in any given situation. It's not that he's stupid or doesn't think about things, it's the fact he's sick of scheming and playing nice when he can just beat the answers out of someone. I feel like he and Jack could be friends, or even Ruggie if he brings in some of Baphomet's cooking from time to time, and something tells me he would find Azul absolutely insufferable, only "worsted" by the likes of Jade and Jamil.

For Uriel, I honestly consider him staff more than anything but for the sake of the doodle series, he'd be in Octavinelle. Benevolence isn't something he would connect with himself once upon a time but after taking care of William for so long, that soft side bloomed in his heart like a field of flowers... but he can still be cold and calculating when he wants to be. One of Azul's favorite workers due to his gambling addiction which makes it really easy to make the money they pay him for his services in Mostro right back. He joins Trey, Jade, and Jamil on their cooking nights and swaps stories of their dorm leaders together. He does feel a little unsettled by how cruel Jade can be to Azul sometimes though.

I was debating not including Isaac because he's not technically a main character but you know what? He deserves to be here! Scarabia was an obvious choice and not only because he's essentially just Kalim in a thicker font. Isaac's whole character is about resourcefulness. He can get his hands on nearly anything because he knows the right people and has the right kind of money. While he's not as outwardly naive as Kalim, that is exactly why I feel they would get along. Isaac is safe. Kalim deserves a safe friend. And Isaac's heart is big enough to accept all of him. They'd probably establish family connections after school and then they would truly be unstoppable.

Sitri in Pomefiore is another no-brainer. He's so pretty but also always working super hard. Whether it is to find what attitude will get him the best results or his appearance. Of course, this applies to his schoolwork in much the same way Jamil used to put effort in, where he purposely does worse than he should – only his reason is to have people pity him and do things for him. He would have such an interesting relationship with both Vil and Epel imo where Vil likes his dedication and appearance but definitely disagrees with how he uses them. I mean, even forgetting the schoolwork stuff, why do you put this much effort into sneaking as many sweets into the dorm as you can? Epel would be kind of the opposite, I think things would be tense at first but after he finds out about Sitri sneaking sweets and using his cuteness to make people do his bidding, there's definitely a basis for a friendship there.

And finally, we have Camio! Honestly, dorm leader of Diasomnia fits him the best. He is elegant and unquestionably head and shoulders above almost everyone else in his life. I've been considering putting him in Scarabia too due to how much scheming and plots he did in the series but the way it all crumbled when Lucifer got involved kind of prevented that in my eyes. He could definitely understand Malleus a lot, having lost his mother very young and only knowing his father very remotely. His profound loneliness would also be something he can relate to – and the fear of losing the few people he does have. A more light-hearted dynamic would be with Sebek because I'm ngl, Camio and Malleus look super similar if you disregard artstyle differences except for the horns and I think it would be hilarious to have Sebek simultaneously offended that someone dares look so much like his master (dammit Sebek, people can't choose that) and confused because he's such a simp.

But yes, those are the broad strokes of my many many MANY thoughts on this crossover, PLEASE talk to me about it even if you only know one of these fandoms, I will explain everything, just please, my head will explode.

[redjadethewriter]

Blank the Series: The Novel vs The Show

After finally sitting down and reading the source material for the series, I must admit that I had expected it to be more provocative. However, to me, it was more like reading a soft-core erotica - nothing too outrageous. I hesitate to even classify it as soft-core, but that’s the best way I can describe it. Of course, anything involving BDSM is bound to stand out.

Despite my initial reservations, I found myself engaged in the love story between Khun Nueng and Anueng. The story, although a bit too PG-13 for my taste, held my attention. In my analysis of the series, I primarily focused on the character interactions, their internal struggles, insecurities, and how these factors influenced their actions and decisions.

Being a crone, I naturally gravitated towards examining Khun Nueng’s character more closely, as I found her to be the most relatable. However, I must acknowledge that Anueng is a well-developed character as well. She serves as a reminder that, regardless of age, individuals can possess cunning and resourcefulness.

While Anueng may appear childish around Khun Nueng in the series, after reading the novel, I gained a deeper understanding of why she expresses herself in such an over-the-top and annoying manner. It’s because she wants to elicit a reaction from Khun Nueng, as it seems to be the only way to make her “look more human” or act like it. In the novel, Khun Nueng rarely shows facial reactions unless she’s prompted to do so, which Anueng does often. Otherwise, Khun Nueng would simply hide behind her stoic mask all the time.

Interestingly, Khun Nueng’s go-to response to anyone expressing a romantic interest in her is, “Are you worthy of me?” as a tactic of scaring them away. This phrase serves as her motto, even though she doesn’t have any specific criteria for determining who would be worthy of her love, mainly because she has never truly loved anyone. So, when Anueng challenges this line by asserting, “I’m not today, but I will become worthy,” it deeply shocks our ice queen, both in the novel and in the series. It’s something she never expected.

As I’ve mentioned before, Khun Nueng finds herself in quite a bit of trouble because she has met her match in Anueng. They are contrasting yet compatible characters, and that’s what I find intriguing. They possess similarities that draw them closer together while also reflecting their deepest flaws. In a striking revelation, I realized their insecurities were actually quite similar, but in reverse. Anueng becomes jealous because of her insecurities about being young and not having much to offer, constantly worrying that Khun Nueng might end up with someone her own age who has a more established life. On the other hand, Khun Nueng frets about being too old and the possibility of the young girl eventually growing bored with her, changing her mind, and leaving.

Khun Nueng exhibits striking similarities to her grandmother, both in the series and in the novel. They share an icy demeanor, a controlling nature, and a toxic fixation on perfectionism. Despite leaving behind her privileged status, these traits have carried over into her more humble life as an artist. I now understand that her choice to rebel against her grandmother was not all simply out of spite, but a deliberate decision to assert her own identity.

While Khun Nueng desires her grandmother to acknowledge her responsibility for Song’s death and their collective suffering, she also longs to discover her true self. Above all else, Khun Nueng yearns to experience a wider range of emotions. She craves the taste of disappointment, having never truly felt loved or experienced the exhilaration of a racing heart. In the show, she exemplifies this by placing her hand over her heart and feeling it race in the presence of Anueng.

Khun Nueng lacks ambition. Although she pursues a career as an artist to sustain herself, she does not envision it as a long-term path. She wishes to continue using her artistic talents, but without the constraints of working for someone else. Her yearning for freedom outweighs any financial concerns, despite her constant struggle to make ends meet. In fact, Khun Nueng embraces the hardships that come with being a “starving artist.” Her upbringing with her grandmother shielded her from feelings of disparity and anguish, making the challenges she faces now exhilarating rather than burdensome.

Khun Nueng remains unimpressed by materialism and possesses a practical approach to life. She values essentials like food over fancy clothes, which captivate Anueng in the novel. Khun Nueng refuses to let those who flaunt their status and wealth sway her, as she cannot be bought.

Overall, Khun Nueng’s character is complex and multi-faceted. Her resemblance to her grandmother, with her stoic demeanor, her secret pursuit for emotional depth, her lack of ambition, and her indifference towards status all contribute to her unique persona.

While watching the series, I noticed that the first episode started the story at a much later scene from the novel. In this scene, the characters were already familiar with each other. Initially, I was confused because I wondered why Khun Nueng walked the girl to the bus-stop and knew which bus Anueng needed to get on. The wordplay exchange between them, especially with Anueng stating she was running away and asking to stay with Khun Nueng, added to my confusion.

As I continued watching, around episode 2 or 3, I noticed the girl had a lot of drawings that Khun Nueng had made for her. Being the analytical person that I am, I figured they must have met multiple times before. My confirmation of this came later when I read the story.

To explain Khun Nueng’s constant worry for the girl’s safety and her habit of always walking her to the bus stop, we found out that since the day they met, Khun Nueng had discreetly made sure Anueng got home safely at late hours. She would even follow Anueng from a distance to her house. From day one, our favorite dead-face character had been the protector, constantly concerned about the girl’s well-being.

I would like to highlight the similarities between Khun Nueng and her younger sister, Sam. However, before discussing their similarities, it is important to address the issues that arise between siblings. The reason Khun Nueng behaves more like their grandmother is because she received the most attention from her. Sam acknowledges this fact, admitting that although both of them were loved by their grandmother, she never had her undivided attention. This observation became clear to me while watching Gap the Series, as Sam was the one who received the least amount of attention. This dynamic only changed when Khun Nueng left and after Song passed away.

Even until the very end of their grandmother’s life, Sam tried to convey this, trying to get Khun Nueng to reconcile with their grandmother. Episode 6 showcased their close relationship, despite their occasional conflicts. I also understand the perspective of sibling favoritism, as Khun Nueng received the most scrutiny and was molded by their grandmother to potentially take her place in the future. This is why I see such striking similarities between Khun Nueng and their grandmother. However, Sam and Khun Nueng are undeniably similar as siblings. Sam has a tendency to express her jealousy openly, while Khun Nueng displays it in a manner that is passive-aggressive. Both of them struggle to admit their jealousy and have a tendency to hurt their partners in the process, as they refuse to acknowledge their own flaws and weaknesses.

Sam undergoes a transformation. We witnessed her growth in Gap the Series, and in Blank the Series, we see Sam attempting to show her love for Mon by baking a pie from scratch. This action surprised Khun Nueng, especially considering she could have easily purchased one from a top-tier bakery. However, Sam wanted to infuse her love into the pie.

We observe a similar act of love in episode 6, but this time it is Khun Nueng cooking home-cooked meals for Anueng instead of going out to eat. This is why I concluded by saying, “Girl... you are lying to yourself.” Cooking for someone is an incredibly personal gesture, and I don’t do it for just anyone. Therefore, I know fully that she constantly deceives herself.

In conclusion, the novel and the series share many similarities. Although there were some necessary omissions and alterations to the timeline and character interactions, I hope these changes will be seamlessly integrated in season 2, maintaining the steady pacing that has been established. Based on the first 6 episodes, I have a sense of what elements they might keep and what they may change. However, I do hope that they don’t stray too far from the meaningful aspects of the original source material, which I won’t go into detail about. I must acknowledge that the novel was clever in incorporating elements that kept me engaged until a satisfying conclusion. Therefore, if I see these same qualities in the series, I will be truly impressed, and the show will prove itself to be deserving of my attention.

I appreciate the good content.

Thank you.

[janetbrown711]

How do you torment your favs (aka how have you traumatized some of your favourite characters)?

Well, if we're talking broadly here I mostly give them mommy issues, but lets go character by character here for the nitty gritty/true pattern examination

TW for mentions of miscarriages, abusive parents, and just a lot of trauma

Apple White-- Mommy issues, internalized homophobia that she does mostly get over but it doesn't help when a lot of the world is homophobic to her, body image issues, and a possible eating disorder

Darling Charming-- mommy issues, daddy issues, experiences a lot of homophobia and misogyny

Louie Duck-- Just. Just the worst mommy issues. Wants Della to love him so bad but feels like it's literally impossible because of their differences and his "glaring" flaws and selfishness

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot (Long Live the Queen) (idk how to write normal universe whoopsies)-- Abusive grandmother who actively tries to (and nearly accomplishes) murdering their parents making their parents have to abandon them for a year, Yakko has parentification trauma from that, Wakko gets literally starved and locked in a tower on multiple occassions, and Dot feels like it's all her fault whenever Wakko gets hurt because she's supposed to be the perfect princess. It gets fixed but it do be a lot

Lena Warner (my oc from Long Live the Queen)-- Abusive mother who literally attempted to kill her. Wants very badly to be a proper mother to her children and keep them safe, but her mother has far too much control and power over her for that to be truly possible. Had a runaway marriage in her late teens in order to avoid being married off to some old guy. Her mother's murder attempt caused a miscarriage and robbed her of a year with her children while she had to physically recover from her injuries. Ended up killing her in the end though, so that's good.

MK (dadsy of two)-- dead parents that were incredibly abusive (especially his "mother"), a burning desire for closeness to his guardian that he feels he can't access out of fear of attachment + Pigsy's own distant behavior at unpredictable moments. Desperately wants Pigsy to be his dad and nothing hurts more than when Pigsy actively denies it. Craves affection and praise more than anything in the whole wide world but doesn't know how to accept it/how to react when it happens.

Mei (dadsy of two)-- dead parents who gave her severe perfectionism but died before they could ever apologize/acknowledge/realize any damage done. Blames herself for starting the fire because she knocked over an ancestral artifact (that fire was actually fixed, the fire that killed them is unrelated but she'll never believe that). Wants to be the perfect daughter for Pigsy while also not feeling like she's actually his daughter because of the distance + complicated grief related feelings.

Pigsy (dadsy of two)-- tbh what haven't I done to him? Gave him guilt over the death of Sandy's ex fiancee due to "causing" Sandy's trauma that lead to the incident, gave him mommy and even worse daddy issues, deals with fantasy racism on such a regular basis he believes being distant with MK and Mei (ala saying he isn't their father/he's only their legal guardian) is the only way to really protect them from it (and even that backfires on more than one occasion). Internalized fatphobia. PTSD. Smoker. Severe lack of self esteem. Couldn't give less of a shit about himself and his own health (ESPECIALLY mental) while worrying endlessly about everyone else. Just. just so much trauma for one man. what the fuck.

Tang (all fanfics)-- Abusive, severely homophobic parents who cut him off when he was 19 due to finding out about his homosexuality. Could barely afford food for a year until he met Pigsy and basically relied on his charity in order to not starve to death/suffer the effects of severe malnutrition and still continue his education. Loves Pigsy endlessly and hates watching him torture himself over the littlest things (knows he does the same and feels so helpless every time it happens). Wants to be a dad to MK (and Mei) desperately but worries he's nothing compared to Pigsy. Has constantly had his passions belittled and mocked to the point it's genuinely surprising to him that MK actually likes his stories and the way he does things.

Sandy (all fanfics)-- PTSD, guilt over having missed 20+ years of his best friend's life. In Dadsy of Two he killed his fiancee after a nightmare about the war he and Pigsy had fought. Wanted to be a parent but after that accident, he can't trust himself with another human life like that. Has a hard time trying not to be "the therapist friend" and poking where he shouldn't when it comes to his friend's emotional issues (especially Pigsy's). Had just the worst toxic romance with Pigsy ever that was just the hottest of messes before it all fell apart but they tried to be friends (until his fiance's death) (the time away was very much needed for them both to heal and grow so they could actually be good friends again but it still hurts it took that long).

Pigsy (Li Na AU)-- most of the above but even more trauma around fatherhood, only made worse by the fact he had five miscarriages in the past (only three Tang knows about). Buries that pain instead of talking about it and believes that because Li Na is alive and well the pain is gone (it's not. it lives within him in every waking moment and is why he's so fucking terrified at the thought of losing her or MK).

....So yeah! Just--.... Just so much man, damn wtf someone needs to take them away from me I keep hurting them, wtf---

[studentbyday]

december reflections ❄️

the first half of this month was tumultuous, but i'm proud of me because there was growth! 🌱 still, i hope the next half of this month will be more peaceful and gentle. and as usual, I flip between first and second person when referring to myself 🙃

Constantly chasing perfection does not guarantee happiness in the present or future, and I am allowed to be happy while it's studying/school/uni season. When we chase perfection in school/uni, often, we either do nothing else than study and/or we fret excessively about whether we will get the highest mark possible and how the grades we get on each assessment will affect our overall average and... for some professions, having high/near-perfect grades are necessary and it is competitive and we all just have to do what we need to do to live the life we want and i have so much respect for those who can keep their soul intact while they chase this again and again and again (probably because they know how to not take this to the extreme/unhealthy territory). But the kind of person i will become if i keep going the way i am (i.e. the extreme/unhealthy version) is not the kind of person i want to be. Who wants to be bitter and hate their field of study? However, since i don't do much other than study, i burn out really bad every semester, each time worse than before. And the happiness i was supposed to get from chasing perfection and reaping the supposed (sometimes often not guaranteed) benefits? I feel none of it. In fact, sometimes I feel disappointed in myself for putting too much effort into something that ultimately isn't worth much to me (grades over learning)...again. Perfectionism was strongly ingrained in me early in my life, but as life goes on and the harder it gets to "be perfect," the more discouraged i get when i assess my value using imperfect measures of my potential... This semester, I think (I hope) I finally understood what it means to say the grades i get don't reflect my ability to learn and retain what i learn if i had more time, if i was in a better place mentally, and if i was physically well. None of it, including any accolades or awards I may or may not receive, is an accurate measure of my capabilities and my worth. I know this because when I think back to past achievements, most of the ones I never got big rewards/recognition for were the ones that mattered most to me because they were the ones that truly made me grow and/or made me feel the most whole and alive. All this to say, since my perfectionism is kind of a compulsive habit at this point, i just need to constantly remind myself that it does not guarantee any happiness/contentment/fulfillment in my life (which are all so much more important to me than being perfect) and that I am allowed to be happy, content, and fulfilled while studying and while in formal education.

Wisdom from my dad (and Mindful Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): Accept whatever is out of your control (e.g. other people's decisions and actions), especially those things that are unideal, unfair, and disillusioning, without compromising your values. There is a difference between accepting that “okay, this is the way things are” and agreeing with the unideal and/or wrong thing. Acceptance gives you the mental space to pave a way forward that is both realistic and desirable to you. (Examples of a way forward may be working within an imperfect system to do what you believe is right or leaving an unhealthy situation.) On the other hand, agreeing is compromising your values. This can guide your reactions to troubling situations... The acceptance will help prevent the disillusioning and the unfair from eating at me in a way that defeats me or angers me so intensely that I make a bad situation worse because either I am just too filled with emotion to think of how to make things work or, in the case of defeatedness, I think I'm incapable and so don't even try to find a way to make things work.

In real life, success is not limited only to those who are aggressive/competitive and strong-willed and self-confident. It can be an and/or situation. You are not doomed to live a tragic life just because you have the tendency to have internal conflicts of a Hamlet-level emotional intensity. Those of us who don't fit into archetypal personality boxes and those of us who don't fit into the personality boxes that are idealized in our societies, I wonder what will happen if we start seeing this “inner diversity” as a strength rather than a weakness... (in this example, perhaps a tendency to not be aggressive or competitive stems from a place of empathy/consideration or maybe a lack of self-confidence stems from honest awareness of your limitations and it's just a sign to either work on or around or with them...because maybe the source of your greatest strengths comes from some of those "limitations" and so they shouldn't be treated as limitations at all but rather as needs to respect. and perhaps your strong will, despite sometimes being seen as unbecoming in a woman, is what will keep you from compromising your values when external pressures abound...) Will we start to find ways to make our conflicting traits work for us, refining rather than attempting (or believing we should attempt) to replace ourselves?

[utilitycaster]

Fjord

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

2. Favorite thing: so much, but I particularly like how good and effective he is at herding the cats of the Mighty Nein. There are many reasons why they bonded so tightly, but a factor was that Fjord early on was insistent that they figure out ways to work together. You can tell how carefully his backstory was constructed; part of why Sabian and Vandran are such beloved figures despite almost no screentime is because you can get such a clear an outline of them from Fjord’s behaviors and discussions that is honestly more thorough than that of some fully introduced NPCs. Getting back to the original point, you can tell from early on that this is someone accustomed to team dynamics under pressure (ie, a sailor). In general, everything we learned about Fjord, as it was revealed, made me go “ohhhhhhh yeah that makes sense,” which is in my opinion the sign of incredibly skilled storytelling and character building.

3. This is tough; this is a character I truly love and I am always team “this person’s flaws are an important part and erasing them means you do not fucking get it," so like, I am in favor of his perfectionism and control issues and closed-off-ness and in case it's not clear from my Midst blogging and which characters I'm drawn to there, nor my enjoyment of Vex, a particular vibe of which he is one of the best examples. I also, admittedly, am defensive because while people watching C2 now without all the fandom discourse of C2 tend to enjoy him, he got done rather dirty by the fandom and was the recipient of basically every single thing I dislike that fandoms do (he is not alone; Keyleth got this with the added complication of rampant misogyny, and Veth got shades of this too, and all have similarly been received much better by people watching without fandom influence). So, for example, while I would love to have seen more of his backstory in-game, I am hesitant to say that because, well, ever notice how Caduceus was sidelined by the party and we didn't explore his past but Fjord avoided his backstory? Ever notice how Caleb's asshole behaviors are because of trauma but Fjord (grew up in a Dickensian orphanage, bullied over his race to the point of willing self-harm from a young age, betrayed, stabbed, and left to drown at which point he was forced into a warlock pact he didn't remember) is just an asshole? (I'm saying this as someone who very much likes Caduceus and Caleb, but this was blatant from the fandom, and pretty constant too.) So to be clear I think he has plenty of flaws, as a complex character, but I do not dislike those flaws as canonical aspects of him.

Anyway. The joke but also kind of true answer is, as Laura herself pointed out, why did he wait 7 entire years to propose to Jester.

25. I liked him from the start but Beau was actually my favorite in early C2! I liked the top table (and what faint impressions I had of Yasha) from the start, but Fjord had the Percy and Vex trait of "guy who can act normal in a social situation when no one else can" for the first stretch of the campaign, which meant he was high up there but didn't move up in my estimation until he started to reveal how civilizedly (not a real word, but vitally important as a modifier here for a number of reasons) unhinged and insecure he was.

[thyme-in-a-bubble]

Writing anon #1 here with a few questions! As usual please don’t reply if you don’t want to. :)

What kind of character would you suggest writing for? Characters I’m currently interested in or characters I know more about? Perhaps a mix? I’m a little afraid that if I write for the characters I’m currently fixated on I’ll lose interest in them for awhile. For example, I’m currently interested in Daredevil but I know more about the Avengers because I hyperfixated on them in high school.

Where/how do you find inspiration and motivation to write? 

Do you think someone could write a relationship without having experienced it themselves? (Like a romantic relationship) I would assume it would just take a lot of research and editing to make sure it’s fairly realistic. Just like when you writing something else you don’t have experience in (like writing a character being a doctor or barista if you don’t have experience with that.)

Like the second anon I have a lot of trouble with outlining and plots. I usually get an idea I would love to write but have no idea what to do with it. Like how to get to the idea/scene or where to go from it. I really should try actually outlining and taking my time. I also really need to get my brain to understand that drafts are okay and normal. (I struggle with perfectionism, but I’m working on it.)

I realize now how number three might come across. I am an adult not a minor. I just had an extremely sheltered life growing up and have spent the few years I’ve been an adult dealing with a few things that are out of my control. So I haven’t had a romantic relationship of my own, I have read a ton of x reader fanfics and watched a lot of romcoms. And number four isn’t a question. :) Thank you so much in advance!

I'd say write for someone you like, someone you're comfortable with, and if you don't feel like you know enough about them to begin writing then that's easily fixed! rewatch/reread/re-whatever the thing that they're from and pay extra close attention, do it however many times you'd like, take notes. wiki's about the characters can also be super helpful for a ton of those little facts. but at the end of the day, write for whoever you like, whoever will be super fun to write for, whoever will make you excited to write. also you don't have to just choose one or even be stuck if you ever wanna move on, you make up the rules.

inspiration? i find that everywhere. sure, a movie is an easy thing to get my mind hooked on a fantasy, but most of my stories have just come to me in very mundane things. I've leaned into my own life experiences for a lot of sad stories (also used it as a therapeutic tool). there is literally inspiration everywhere, you just gotta open your eyes and see it. that weird tree right outside your window? that could be enough inspiration to begin a whole book. and as for motivation? well, first of all I really enjoy the whole process, so that helps a ton. I'm also autistic and have very good concentration, so I can easily just disappear completely into my wip. I'm also really good at just having it in my routine, sitting down and writing when I have the most energy for it. when I'm working on something very long, that's when it can become harder to keep that flame alive, but I think I've worked out a good rhythm to keep it going and not loose the drive to work on it: first of all, a detailed outline and notes. making a proper routine with it, though also not beating yourself up if it's a bad day and you only reread the last page 50 times, but don't actually write anything new. I also try my best to stay in the world while I work on it. like for when i'm not sitting and actively writing it, then I listen to music that fits the theme or watch movies or shows that have the vibe.

I think that truly depends on the person. some people can and some people can't. I personally don't write about too many subjects I don't have experience in (though still some like for example murder and some of the jobs the characters have, but my imagination can get me far enough to make me comfortable tackling those subjects). so yeah, that's so individual whether someone can do that well or not.

from my understanding of you from the very limited interactions we've had, I'd say that it'll probably continue to be difficult while you're not getting enough sleep for your brain to function properly as well as some other stressful things I could imagine is also going on and perhaps is the cause of the sleep issues. a few things that helps my perfectionism is to say that this draft will only be read by me and no one else, to say that this is only a silly little fanfiction just for the lols and not a fancy leather-bound novel, and also to aim for it simply to be finished and not for it to be perfect. and sometimes when it comes to beginning, you'll just have to jump straight in with the attitude of an imaginative and playful child. also sitting down and being like "okay, I'm not allowed to do anything other then come up with a story. I'm allowed to sit here, look around at my surroundings, and push through the boredom till my brain comes up with a story to entertain me". don't be afraid of slowing down and embracing the stillness, that's always where my best stuff comes from. and plot stuff? that is a huge subject and I'm not sure what advice could be beneficial for you. it's one of those things where learning about it on a technical level can be helpful, but only to get the sense into your bones and then throwing those rules and patterns out of the window like they never existed to begin with and just letting the flow of the story lead you.

[thescholarlystrumpet]

I always say I don't do Meta but here I am stuck in my head over the Family Systems lens of viewing our beloved Ineffable Idiots.

Crowley, as the Black sheep (scapegoat) has done a lifetime+ (6000 odd years) of unpacking his identity and detaching from his toxic family of origin (Heaven and then the "found" family of Hell). He started to differentiate from Heaven first by reveling in the assigned role of the outcast - being Unforgivable. Because if you are told long enough that you are the Bad One, you will start to believe it, internalize it. But that is only a reactionary identity, not a whole one.

So In GO S1, we see Crowley recognizing his own growth away from even his assigned role. He doesn't identify with Hell anymore than he identifies with Heaven because they both want him to stay quietly and obediently in a box. Whereas all that time around humans, with all our complexities and gray areas, has (I think) helped him realize that boxes just don't work. Obviously his ability to be completely head over heels for Aziraphale has also played a part in this.

With Az, Crowley gets to be the Savior - a roleplay they both clearly enjoy. Crowley gets to be covertly "good" as is still part of his nature. But goodness does not define him and it's very important to him that this remain true. Being "good" is for Angels and the resentment toward Heaven is an unhealed wound. He also gets to roleplay "tempting" Az in a safe, controlled way - since we all know Az wants to be tempted anyway. Through their relationship, Crowley gets to be more fully himself than anywhere else.

Aziraphale reaps this benefit, as well, but he is far less aware of it (on the surface). Because Aziraphale was never cast out, he is still living with the comfortable level of denial regarding the toxicity of his Family of Origin (Heaven). Az still harbors hope that things can be changed for the better, that the people in charge (caretakers) are operating from a place of fundamental Good. Az is the adult who seems to function highly on the outside but is always falling apart within because they still feel that they *do* have to fit neatly into the "boxes" Crowley long ago eschewed.

Azriaphale is a ball of walking Anxiety and Perfectionism because he is still so enmeshed with the exalted expectations of his Family of Origin. He can only "rebel" in secret for the most part. Good Omens 1 is a major moment of growth for him - the first open act of rebellion against the Family. He is able to do so because Crowley has his back (like a supportive partner) and, I believe, at least in part because Gabriel has been such a bully that Az reaches a breaking point with it in that moment. I'm sure it helps that they get to save actual children from harm.

But one big moment of rebellion doesn't mean the cycles of a thousand lifetimes will be automatically broken. Az does well enough with being an outcast of Heaven when it means the bullying and expectations on him are finally relaxed but as we see by his responses to the Angelic visits all through S2, he hasn't truly severed his feeling of responsibility toward the Family (Heaven).

When a major Caretaker (Metatron) steps in to offer Az everything he has never hoped to dream, of course he can only see it as essential. He has never had to process a full break from the Family like Crowley so he truly cannot understand where Crowley is in his emotional journey. Az has basically just had his wounded inner child told that Mummy and Daddy not only wanted and loved him all along but that they now want to give him the respect he never got before.

And Az truly wants to believe this illusion because it fulfills every emotional wounds that was still open within him. Hence why he also lets himself believe that he can be the one who *does* make a difference in Heaven. He wants to genuinely believe that he can bring Crowley back into the Family - where they can both be blissfully loved and accepted. To Az, it's the opportunity to stop hiding and rebelling in secret. To be able to offer Crowley what Az sees as the dearest gift anyone could bestow: Redemption.

Crowley, having seen the two of them as being in far more similar places, emotionally, is blindsided by this. Crowley no longer sees Heaven's acceptance as a positive. He knows how cruel and unjust the Family can be - and has been to him for centuries. He cannot, for the life of him, understand why Az does NOT see it. And Az offering him a return to Heaven is salt in the wound of "you're not good enough as you are." Crowley feels that the only person who has ever felt safe in his existence is suddenly telling him that everything he has worked to be, the emotional mountain he has climbed to be *himself* is worth less than reverting back to the being he was *before* he did all the work.

What Az sees as opportunity for unity, for fulfilling the childish dreams of being "accepted" by their Family of Origin, Crowley sees as a fundamental rejection of himself.

Maybe all of this was obvious and I may have been off about a few things - haven't watched S1 one in about a year. But this was my overall impression and I needed to get it out of my system. Not beta'd or proofread.

Thank you to anyone who actually bothers to read all of this XD

[moreespressoformydepresso]

Anthony has ligyrophobia, a fear of loud noises, thanks to the Tremaine household. The reason is twofold, and the combination is why he has it and nobody else in the family does.

Firstly, to him cold, harsh words are an expression of love because it’s the tone his grandmother uses most of the time, and it’s the one his aunt uses whenever she’s not losing her voice screeching at anything and everything or trying to make men chase her (unsuccessfully). His mom’s… complicated. In the rare moments she gets out of her head enough to acknowledge his existence, she’s either blank bordering on being an okay mother or screaming like she’ll die if she doesn’t cause at least one new person tinnitus. So when they’re yelling at him, he’s done something wrong to cause them to stop showing him love. In my headcanon, Anthony’s the kid that got the most pressure put on them because, as a man, he cannot marry up in society (traditionally). Therefore, he needs to act more like a lord to compensate, which to Lady Tremaine translates to “be perfect or be worthless”. This leads to a whole slew of mental issues, most prominently crippling perfectionism and anxiety to panic attacks at the idea of being even slightly below flawlessly perfect. When grandmother’s yelling, he hasn’t been perfect, and the idea of not being perfect triggers all the issues caused by always being pressured to be perfect.

Secondly, (you’ll have to stick with me for a bit here I promise it ties back to yelling) it’s my headcanon that the Tremaines only wanted daughters so they could live the lives they’d wanted vicariously through the kids. Anthony is… not a girl. So by default he’s treated worse because his family didn’t actually want him. Aside from that, given their time period I’m betting they have some old-fashioned views about violence, used in a matriarchal way. Physical pain can be used to discipline children, and Anthony is the child who always does wrong no matter how right he did, so he’s the one at the receiving end of it most of the time. He receives truly cruel punishments for so many things without ever being told beforehand that his wrongdoing wasn’t allowed that he’s learned to just accept he’s always doing wrong in some way. After some time in Auradon he realizes the matriarchs were just looking for a reason to punish him to feel in control, and hurting the kids they were projecting on would hit a bit too close to home given their fate. The thing about it is that, whenever he was about to be dragged to his punishment, whoever would hand out the disciplinary action would raise their voice. Whether it’s one of the truly rotten cousins or sisters using the fact they can get away with it to hit him or his grandmother locking him in a closet that doesn’t have enough room for him to turn around for hours to days on end, it’s always preceded by a raise in their volume. So Anthony has started associating raising voices with extreme punishments. So if a sound gets louder suddenly, it has the same effect.

These two things combine to give Anthony Ligyrophobia, and he needs a hug

[helianthus-tarot]

Julian what do I do? I think, tarot readings are doing more harm than good to me. I’ve become so obsessed with the future and finding the right person as I fear being betrayed by the person that I thought was “the one” or not living to my true capabilities. It’s become this obsession that’s stopping me from progressing in life. I put things on hold cause the tarot cards tell me that I’m going to do this or that. I feel guilt cause some tarot readings are really good, but every time I give in to receive advice it just triggers me. Should I just leave tarot cards alone for good or what??

Hi there, sorry for the late reply, I've been thinking.

Short answer: you should stop anything that is negatively affecting you. Long answer: it is useful to look deeper and try finding out the causes to this issue.

You should stop tarot, like an alcoholic should stop drinking alcohol, because it's making your condition worse. But your actual problem isn't tarot, the problem is how you deal with your fear. Many alcoholics' actual problem isn't alcohol, it's how they deal with their stress/life. They drink alcohol to cope, and they become alcoholics. You are using tarot to cope with your fear, that's why you become obsessed. Like alcoholics, their treatment is not just to stop drinking— going to therapy, learn self-management skills, and build support system are a part of the solution. So your solution is not just 'stop doing tarot' here, because if this is the only thing you do, your fear can make you latch onto a different negative coping mechanism once tarot is not in the picture and your actual problem will continue.

Possible problem

I don't know you personally, so I can only guess the true core problem here. You mentioned fear, "being betrayed and not living to your true capabilities", idk what's the connection between not living to your true capabilities and finding The One here, but acting negatively due to your fear means that your fear does not exist on its own. Everyone has fears, it's normal. But some people are able to take positive actions despite their fear. What makes these people different from people who respond negatively to their fear?

I wonder if the root cause is a lack of confidence in your ability to handle life when/if it goes to shit. And maybe also perfectionism. So you try to control the choices you make to minimize the possibility of negative things happening, and you use tarot to do it. When people don't truly feel that they have the ability to deal with life, they will find external ways that can help them feel more secure, ways that can help them avoid what they are scared of. I wonder if subconsciously they cannot imagine how they will be and what they can do if their fear becomes their reality, so they try hard to prevent it from happening.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to use external resources to build security, it's smart. The problem is when you become dependent on it. Because no matter how much security you amass from the external world through financial means, divinatory means, knowledge, and whatnot— life will still hit you hard if you have no inner strength. Life is not 100% predictable, mistakes will still happen, there are still things in life that can make it painful, couple will still fight, we cannot confirm that The One exists, with each choice that we make we gain something and we lose something. You will only doom yourself trying to make it 100% safe or perfect, as you are probably well aware, this isn't the solution.

Build inner strength and deal with fear

The best way to handle life is to have both external resources and inner strength. To build inner strength, you can't avoid challenges. You don't learn to cook by avoiding the knife and the heat. The best way to deal with fear is through it, learn from Pluto. The best way to build strength (and to live to your true capabilities as you said) is by putting yourself in a challenging environment that tests your strength and allows you to improve with the process, learn from Saturn and Mars.

The more often you avoid your fear, the stronger it becomes. Every time you avoid dealing with your fear productively, you tell your brain that the fear is really something that can paralyze you and it is impossible to conquer. Of course your brain will set off the alarm stronger the next time that fear is triggered.

How to do so

The solution I'm about to propose is my version of 'exposure therapy', the principle is.. similar but it's not guided or certified by actual medical professionals so keep that in mind. I've done it and it worked, fast result but painful.

You are scared of X, you need proofs that you can handle X. If you are scared of life going to shit and being betrayed, you need proofs that you have the ability and strength to deal with negative situations. Put yourself in an artificial challenging environment. Be in a situation that will expose you to what you are scared of but which won't get you physically harmed (i.e. it is objectively safe but it has enough challenge for you to address your fear). If negative things don't happen when you do this, you can take this as a proof that there are good things in life. If negative things actually happen, you can take this as a chance to show yourself that you can survive them.

You are scared of being betrayed in relationships? Of being in love with the 'wrong' person? Go out and date around, get into a relationship, make friends, trust people but be smart and healthy about it. Do your best in every interaction, accept failures when they happen, don't self-sabotage. After you do this, see if people betray you, abandon you, reject you, see if relationships fail, and if they do, survive them anyway. Teach yourself to deal with the feelings that come with these experiences and move forward. You are scared of uncertainty? Place yourself in a situation that has a good degree of uncertainty, and rely on your ability (not tarot) to go through it. These are just examples, feel free to be creative with your artificial challenge. Start small, after you make progress, gradually increase the intensity of the challenge. Crawl before you walk, and walk before you run.

Your goal is not to succeed in getting positive responses from the world (if this happens, great). Your goal is to get proofs that you can face what you fear (failures, uncertainties, hurt, being betrayed, etc) and move forward without being paralyzed by the experience, without the experience threatening your inner security, without needing to obsessively rely on tarot or other external resources to make you feel more secure. The more often you face your fear, the more proofs you have to show to yourself that you can handle it when shit happens, the more confident you will become. The final goal is to arrive to a point where you have enough confidence in yourself that you will survive regardless of what life throws at you, regardless of what mistakes you make, regardless of how many shitty people you meet. That's how you can reduce the negative effects any fear has on you.

P/S: Another solution is go to therapy, your therapist will help you.

[chryso-poeia]

Meditations on authenticity / Ideas that would’ve helped me earlier in life

There’s nothing wrong with you, besides, if something was faulty or wrong about you, who would have enough credibility to say? Other people that could never know you the way you know yourself? Right, so the only person that has that kind of credibility is you! So stop replaying the narratives that are really just projections from other people, wounded people at that. The aforementioned often turns into your baggage. But it’s not really yours to begin with. They didn’t want you to have what they could never have or didn’t understand.

You have to establish WHO YOU ARE independant of others and then LIVE THAT TRUTH LIKE YOU DIED AND CAME BACK TO TRULY VALUE THE OPPORTUNITY YOU’VE BEEN GIVEN. Your heart beats because you were valuable enough as to be granted life.

You give other people that credibility to gauge your value but, it’s not true! It can’t be true. You can’t logically live out a copy of their lives for them, you were given your own life, that means time that only belongs to you, energy that only belongs to you, preferences that belong only to you and nourishment that belongs only to you. Energy that belongs only to you, feelings and emotions that belong only to you. Since we are all fully responsible for our lives, for the way we choose see the world, for who we are. It doesn’t make sense to give other people the ability to control that!

Now, this occurs because it gets programmed into us by virtue of the idea of being civilized, you become so civilized in western society that everyone thinks survival is impossible without playing by the rules. But we don’t live in tribal communities anymore. We have the luxury of being one life. The illusory rulew were created for people that don’t know how to treat others, for the organization of society. However, for many of us that didn’t have safety when we were young, we learned to operate by putting other people’s needs before our own. So you have to shift your entire perception and personality to accomodate the exciting, utterly liberating energy of showing up as you are fully. Instead of tempering your voice, speak with full range. You now have permission to show up as one and the same life.

But, what might also be needed is adressing perfectionism, i’ve had great results by going through self-love. To love and or be understanding of myself regardless of what happens, in every situation, every second of my life. Because all behaviours have a cause, which is why shaming makes no sense. Whether i get what i believe will fulfill me or not, i will support myself. My time and your time is limited, mortality is one of the greatest teachers. It can slow down and deepen your perception such that everything begins to practically vibrate with profound vivacity and divine mysteriousness. Because if i know that my time with this body is limited, i can have a very clear vision of what and who i want to invest in and what i don’t.

But often, what’s needed is ”moving out the old furniture before you can move in the new”. Meaning, process and resolve the subconscious charges that control your nervous system. Because you can never out-think your feelings, they will always be faster. This is the trial by fire. This is where therapy can be useful for this specific context. This is learning to forgive (letting go and understanding that we’re all human, not condoning behavior). This is learning how to place unquestionable boundaries. This is learning how to feel your emotions without disconnecting. This is learning how to orient yourself according to a standard that only you can set.

Moreover, it is learning how to become so free and secure in the goodness that you are, in a way to where you feel safe and in a trusting and honoring relationship with yourself. Learning how to worship your own energy. Letting them see you as a villain if need be, ’to look into the eyes of your shadow until your eyes get used to it’. It is also learning how to stop valuing the disappointment you will trigger in those that used to love you for sacrificing yourself or those whose advice you wouldn’t take anyway. Or those whose shadow you trigger by reflection. Or those whom you love and hold on a pedestal but need to realize: are only human too. To give yourself that freedom by proxy too.

It is also very hard just in general, to trust someone who continually does everything they can to adapt to others and agree with everything. Unlike most people, i understand how to operate without accidentally stepping over boundaries or unintentionally hurting others, i think you do too. But if you always adapt to others, what do you have to give? We are supposed to how up as original, as unique, our own signature of energy. The fear or anxiety of authenticity can really just be interpreted as your anticipatory excitement of actually embodying it fully.

If you feel like you have no reason to value yourself, do it because it automatically leads to the most optimal outcome because you deserve it! It’s a mirroring principle. If you value yourself, you lead with substance, which can only ever result in manifestations of that value. Beyond that keep repeating self-loving positive habits, internal dialogue, affirmations, practices and you’ll get there, repetition and stacking of positivity is key. The fact also remains, leaders like you do not compete or compare. They create and ruthlessly occupy a space that wasn’t there previously, their own space. Their own energy. Also, you can never be reduced to one mistake (lesson-let go) or one characteristic (lesson-let go) or situation (lesson-let go). Quit nitpicking and trying to justify feelings that hold your best intentions at heart. Feel them instead, it’s okay. You are a complete powerful being. Forever perfect.

When you show up as one life, instead of multiple depending on the scenario, when you put attention back on yourself: you reconnect the cord to the divine and you will stop attracting situations or contexts to break you down. Because you think you need to be broken down to reveal the underlying threat. But that aforementioned threat is only ever the past repeating itself. But to think that you need to be broken down for the light to find its way into you is the greatest lie. Because the light really comes from within you. When you no longer need to see your worth through the prism of brokenness. And when you no longer need to attract situations that reaffirm a level of self-value that your past convinced you off, (the powerless projections of separate individuals living their own lives) to justify fully nourishing yourself, that’s one of the greater liberations.

Hold yourself high, chest out, shoulders back, slow down your walk, feel the strength in your breath, head high. Don’t you ever play with your own value again. Dim that light and you disrespect your ancestors, you disrespect life itself. To go beyond shame is to feel what it’s like to bloom, just because you are you. To beyond your own self-imposed boundaries gently and lovingly, feel that freedom. You can’t be crushed by it, if you ride it instead. Be patient, you can only ever become more and more perfect. Shine on. x

[skylinesnsunshines]

kiss of life reading: current energies

hi everyone <3 long time no chat, im actually back and happy new year! :'). i apologise for not being consistent and absent this last year, my life has made a 360 and i had a lot going on which caused me to stop focusing on tarot. however, i've been slowly getting into it and i feel like i now have a better grasp on my life so i am now doing readings again. i'll be pickier on who i do readings for but still feel free to send your requests. hope you enjoy! <3

DISCLAIMER: this is all speculative and for entertainment purposes only, so take it with a grain of salt :)

personal readings

(italicised is the card on the bottom of the tarot deck which is meant to represent the subconscious/blind spot of the situation + rx means reversed)

JULIE 🐰

page of cups, page of pentacles, 4 of swords, 7 of pentacles | snake: creation | balance | pleasure

when i was pulling julie's cards, i envisioned her stepping back and learning new skills (could be a new instrument or something like that). i think she's currently in a period of experimentation and learning different skills that aids her in her artistry. the 2 page cards tells me that she's trying out new things outside of her comfort zone and improving the skills she already has. the page of cups details new ideas, which could be tied into kiof's next comeback and how they are brainstorming a concept or idea. with the two pages as well, julie could also be offered many different opportunities, and I feel that she is a bit overwhelmed. she could be in a period of self-reflection and truly asking herself what/who she wants to align herself with as the has multiple opportunities. contrasting the two cards, the 4 of swords details rest, recuperation, meditation, etc. which I could totally see for julie. she could be manifesting an opportunity and is currently in her "receiving" state. the 7 of pentacles on the bottom does indicate that she is working diligently, and putting her head down and focusing on herself and her craft. i feel like julie will really challenge herself this year and we might see a different side of her than what we are used to.

the snake card is interesting to me, as the pages indicate creation, julie is definitely feeding her creative need and focusing on experimentation. the pleasure card tells me that she is enjoying her job and often forgets time as a result. the balance card does tell me that she needs to be mindful of how deep she is in her work, as there is a tendency for her to be burnt out.

NATTY🦦

knight of pentacles rx, strength, hermit, emperor rx | gorilla: peace | rest | flexibility

natty could be focusing on reclaiming her energy and resting. currently, natty could be focusing on self-improvement and creating a routine for herself that helps her achieve her goals. all her cards detail that she is currently in an introspective mood and spending her days recharging herself. the strength card tells me that natty might be struggling with feelings of perfectionism, but the universe wants her to remember that she is capable in overcoming everything that she thinks she is unable to do. i know kiof is planning a comeback next month so i wonder if natty has been feeling burnt out preparing for that. the hermit tells me that natty has been doing a lot of introspection and focusing on herself. natty could be practising or looking to improve her skills herself. the emperor rx tells me that natty's perfectionistic traits could be at a high right now, and that she needs to reign in her need for control as it can be detrimental to her growth.

the gorilla card describes someone who leads by example and focuses on having inner peace for themselves. the rest and flexibility cards tell me that natty could be feeling the need to control and have been focusing on following a rigid routine for the comeback.

BELLE🐥

justice, 2 of cups, 8 of wands, the chariot rx | swan: beauty | strength | trust

currently, belle could be entering a significant relationship in her life. 2 of cups usually depict romance so it could either be a significant partnership in her career (justice deals with the law) or a romantic partnership. either way, the energy seems significant and is progressing at a rapid speed (8 of wands). this could have come out of nowhere, which is what caught belle by surprise, however, the justice card is a good sign as it represents equal reciprocation and effort. the chariot card in reverse on the bottom tells me that belle would subconsciously want to be a bit more cautious in this scenario, due to its fast movement. belle's person could be wanting to move the relationship to a more serious commitment, but belle could be the one that wants to take a slower approach to this relationship.

swan details romance again, this girl could enter her lovergirl era as it reminds us that beauty is subjective and to look for beauty in everything. strength and trust could mean that belle is unsure and wary about this relationship, so the universe just wants to remind her that she has immense personal strength and to trust that she is divinely protected.

HANEUL🦊

the emperor, 2 of pentacles, the world rx, queen of cups rx | snake: creation | confidence | blessings

haneul could be becoming more vocal and demanding (not in a bad way) in her personal life. i have this feeling that haneul is starting to know what makes her happy and what she wants to do career wise. i feel this sense of autonomy has come into haneul as she has experienced life more. the 2 of pentacles signifies juggling between two things, so haneul might be doing lots of work regarding her personal life and career and juggling it well. i also get the feeling that she might receive an increase on her finances from a male figure in her life, my assumption is that she is learning to diversify her skills as an artist and receives more income that way. with the world rx, i feel like haneul is seeking closure on a certain situation. maybe she started a project but it didn't pan out to how she envisioned and she is still holding onto that hope. the queen of cups rx tells me regarding this specific situation, haneul needs to prioritise her feelings and emotions and focus on self-love as i feel like this situation affected her personally.

just like julie, i think haneul is experimenting with her music and what/who she wants to be as an artist. she could be working together with julie when it comes to music or dancing. the confidence tells me that the situation that didn't come into fruition has affected haneul's confidence. i think she could also be experimenting in the next comeback and lost confidence cause its out of her comfort zone. however, the blessings card is a good omen that all the work haneul is doing will benefit her in the future. the blessings card tell me that although haneul might struggle with her confidence or feelings currently, haneul will experience positivity and prosperity soon.

that is all! if you have any feedback, comments, queries or requests please don’t hesitate to reach out to me my ask box is always open. sending you all love, light, positivity and abundance <3 much love

[chichiscloset]

hello baby I love your blog and I'm learning more every day with it you help a lot of women especially us black women thank you so much you are amazing💗 I try to level up every day, I recently entered the world of hypergamy and femininity, more like you said in another porter about most black women were raised by black women of masculine feminine energy, my mother as a single mother has a lot of this masculine energy I learned a lot from her to have this type of masculine energy too, I'm every trying to break this pattern is more and more difficult at times because I am the "man" of the house I work and bring support to my house, I help my mother and younger sister, I try to buy things for myself and pamper myself more sometimes I think in my family and I end up leaving myself aside, I would like to hear from you some advice to tell me what I can do to be more feminine and have that energy completely when I am the provider of my home and my family, I think there are women like me who want that energy but can't because we have a very heavy load on us as if we were the man of the house, I hope you can answer me and thanks for your blog💗

Hey love!

Thank you for being vulnerable & sharing your story! Although I am not a single mother. I have a friend, who also had a similar story to yours.

Being a single mother is not an easy task... taking on the role of 2 people and having to put other people first can be draining!

I decided to make this post along with my friend and share some of the advice we both have. And hopefully give you a better insight.

How you can step into your feminine energy for single mothers

1. Do only what you can and respect your energy

Just learn to say no to other people’s requests and also to your urge to do more. Check out our post on boundaries we need to set in our relationships.

Just learn to say no to other people’s requests and also to your urge to do more. Check out our post on boundaries we need to set in our relationships.

2. Take time to rest and pamper yourself as a priority

Make sure you carve out time to focus on yourself daily or at least weekly. Go for a manicure or a massage, a yoga class, take a bubble bath, dance, take a nap, read a book, or just do nothing! In other words, take time to be in your feminine energy.

Check out our infamous post on self-care tips for the high-maintenance woman (link) & our my personal weekly routine(link)

3. SLOW DOWN! & Engage your senses

There’s a saying that if you don’t have 10 minutes to meditate, then you need to meditate for 1 hour. This basically means is that if you live in a constant hurry, you need to slow down.

Masculine energy is the energy of getting things done. In a fast and efficient way. So start doing things at a slower pace, walk slower, and talk slower to your kids and other people in your life. Also, be understanding to yourself, your kids and others.

4.Give yourself a sense of validation

Many Single Moms often prioritize their kids and everything else before them. However, they might not validate how they might feel. So listen to how you feel. When you listen to how you feel and validate your feelings, you’ll also listen more to how your kids feel. You’ll be truly connected to them, and they will feel your presence and your understanding. You’ll be emotionally available and open to yourself and to them. And to life.

5. Stop the perfectionism

Being a perfectionist and wanting everything to be perfect like the house cleaned all the time. This is the result of a need to control everything. Wanting everything perfect is an illusion and is self-sabotaging. Not only to you but to everyone else around you, It will also make you cranky, anxious and out of control. Try to learn and accept that things are as they are.

I hope this advice was helpful! Please send me a DM if you have anymore questions.

Feel free to book a girl chat & talk to me personally!

-Chichi