#my anxiety’s been bad idk
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The Martha may to his grinch
#I love Martha may and they grinch le sigh#grinch mammon is nicer than og mammon lmaoo#am nervous to post for some reason?#my anxiety’s been bad idk#I also have a fizz version for a friend but that is never to be seen#my art#helluva art#helluva boss#helluva boss fanart#mammon#robo fizz#helluva boss mammon#helluva boss robo fizz#mammon x robo fizz
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I genuinely love not having a crush like I’m not over here feeling physically sick over some mid guy being dry to me I’m literally chilling
#Spring semester of last year was so bad bc I was unironically into 3 guys at once and they were all#Being dry and cryptic to me#And then before that in 2022 I had my horrid situationship#I had a mini obsession arc in dec 2023 over someone but now there hasn’t been anyone since#And my palette is so cleansed#When a girl is like I miss having a crush I’m like you’re literally a masochist#There was very briefly a girl I thought I had a crush on when I realized I’m bicurious but#I haven’t put effort into talking to her bc the idea of pursuing anyone makes me wanna claw my eyes out#I’m pretty sure I ghosted her by like just not responding to her last messsge actually#Not on purpose but more so bc I realized I was feeling the same anxiety I felt whenever I had a crush so I was like#Yeah I’m dropping this for now#I’m also always the most present for my friends when I don’t have a crush so idk#Like I don’t wanna be consumed by anyone I just wanna chill#The solution to not having normal attraction to people is just to not be attracted to anyone at all#I fr cracked it#I always just crave the butterflies out of it and never an actual relationship anyway#But they’re so not worth it#Which is why I always get bored of guys who’re forthright like oh ok you actually WANT something…. U don’t wanna just have fun#Not for me#I think the guys I’m into and I typically diverge in the sense that neither of us wants a relationship but they just wanna fuck me#And I more so just want the butterflies experience / to playact couple for like a couple months but nothing too serious#Which is why it never works#Like it’s not that it doesn’t work bc either of us wants a relationship it’s more that what we want out of the situationship is different#So lame#Ok this was a lot but I literally came to this epiphany while writing these tags
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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some WIPs from the 80s AU i never finished
#so… hi#i think…. i might start making some stuff here soon#i’ve been gone a lot longer than i intended to be#& i feel a lil bad about it bc i really miss my boys & bein here & all that but#idk it’s just been a rough month#but i’m starting to get the itch to create again#i have a very silly idea for the mbz AU#i also just really want to draw some stuff#i miss making things. i’m going nuts. i’ve hardly done anything fun in WEEKS#i’ve sort of started working on some new OCs but ngl#doing anything that doesn’t involve dhes or kel genuinely feels like i’m betraying them#but i have a concept that i really want to explore so that’s what i’m trying to do#i have been working on a few AUs here & there too but#but mostly nothing fun#i need to do something fun while i still can bc i’m starting at uni next month#& i just know i’m gonna have shit for free time then#i’m taking all in person classes which makes me very nervous#i’m trying to be excited about it but mostly it’s just causing me anxiety lol#but anyway. um. yea. hopefully i’ll catch up on everything & reply to the tags/asks i’ve gotten since i’ve been gone#if i reply to something you said/sent to me a month ago… pls just act like that’s not weird. thanks.#rainyrambles
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[A sad violin song plays over an image of a sad hamster]
Pac: This doesn't have anything to do with me – I wear a blue sweatshirt, you're crazy, this mouse doesn't even have a sweatshirt, this hamster! [Reading chat] Am I a depressed hamster?
[ Transcript continued ↓ ]*
–
Pac: Actually– that's fine! I embrace that idea – of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy? [He hits his desk, then starts counting off people on his fingers] Fit is gone, Richarlyson is gone, Ramon is gone, Bagi and Empanada who were always there when we were there are also gone, I haven't seen them! It's just me and Tubbo, and sometimes Philza shows up.
Pac: I lost Chume Labs, I lost the Favela, I lost Murder Mystery, I lost Ilha Chume Labs, it's crazy! Look at how much I've lost, and I've gained nothing! Of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy?! How am I supposed to be happy?!
Pac: [Reading chat] "You have us Pac," that's true, thank you. No, that's true, sorry.
* NOTE: Please note that this is an incomplete transcript, as I was primarily relying on Aypierre's translation mod at the time and if I am not confident of the translation, I do not include it. As always, please feel free to add on translations or message me corrections.
#Pactw#QSMP#Pac#March 18 2024#As much as I love keeping people updated about Pac / the other Portuguese-speaking creators#I think I might not make as many transcribed posts for their clips anymore#I just don't think I'm qualified enough to be transcribing things for a language I don't know#like yeah we have the Qlobal Translator and Aypierre's translators to rely on#And I'm always upfront when I'm not 100% sure about a translation#but I've been thinking about it a lot and it kinda makes me feel a bit icky. Idk.#I might be overthinking this but I just I don't want to spread around translations I'm not super confident about#esp. since I know a lot of people cite my clips in analysis posts or link them to other people as resources#and 90% of the time I'm like ''Hell yeah I love seeing people getting a lot of use out of the archive''#but sometimes I get a bit anxious like ''Did I do a good enough job translating this''#''Am I ruining someone's entire perception of a conversation or character because I left one word out or mistranslated something?''#And like I said that's normally not a HUGE concern since if I'm not certain about a translation I just won't post a clip. but you know#idk it might just be the anxiety talking but I really really don't want to spread bad info#Happy to hear other folks' perspective#I'm really grateful for people like Bell and Pix and others who translate clips and I always try to reblog those#but we don't have a ton of people posting clips & translating things on Tumblr since we're so English-centric#which is part of the reason WHY I like sharing clips of the non-English-speaking CCs#but at the same time I want to do an accurate job representing what they're saying#Maybe I'll just start posting things and give a TLDR context of what they're talking about but not a transcript#that way native-speakers can hop in and add translations if that's something they're comfortable doing#and if not then well. at least I'm not sharing something that isn't super accurate#idk I'm just thinking out loud a bit in the tags#But I'm open to hearing other people's thoughts on the matter#Anyways giant rant aside. q!Pac is NOT doing ok rn
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take a deep breath
take a deep breath
take a deep breath
take a deep breath
take a deep breath
take a deep breath
vierapril day 10: breath
#io laithe#ffxiv#endwalker spoilers#azia gposes#vierapril24#posting these out of order and at 2am T^T failing the community event#GOD. my game crashed during my first attempt of this and i wasn't sure i'd feel like redo-ing it#but tbh i've been thinking about this for a minute#what it means for her to be A Hero and still have anxiety on a good day. but on the bad days...#what it means to the people who love her most to see her break#maybe not for the first time but in a raw and scary way they haven't witnessed before#so important to me that thancred is the one who goes to her first (and who takes her inside). idk. their friendship is so special!!!#and estinien's shock is also v important to me (peep him dropping his lance). he's feeling so many things rn alkjsfdlk
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Thinking about them…
#Dungeon meshi#laios touden#touden family#Toudad and momden#The laifam. The touuu… tou… toudamily? Help idk#Laios holding onto his dad like that after a near death experience after he ran away from his warnings gets to me so bad.#Dad does care dad was so worried and he WOULD stick with u thick and thin he just thinks about ur sake#w momden i also almost put the exorcising Falin thing instead but that wasn’t Laios centric enough#I’ve been writing a laios pov family angst fic lately i’ll be posting it real soon#Gonna be called Push the deciduous out of my gums you’ll know it when u see it#Sigh. Isn’t it neat how the Toudens are scandinavians but Toudad has an interest in myths so he gave his dogs and Laios greek names#That “he never told me anything” panel is prob my fave touden family moment like god what good framing what good hollowness in the delivery#Momden having debilitating anxiety but caring so so much and being overprotective and overdoing it my beloved. Peeking in on them eating#Dad too busy and mom too bedridden to share meals :(#Is the mama reading book pic very tiny and blurry? Yes. Do I have a better resolution of it? No#Could that be a servant peeking in and not their mom? Yes. Do I believe so? No
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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oh boy its my favorite day where nonusamericans condescendingly explain to me that the election effects other countries too and therefore i need to be even more terrified than however terrified i already am
#like. yeah. i know it effects yall too. however as a person Living In The Country In Question i feel like assuming we have no idea that#the results of this election could be bad is uhhhhh a bad assumption to make#as a Certified Transgender™ i already bave enough anxiety abt this on my plate#like. take a minute to think abt ur audience here. do yall rlly think the people on tumblr dot com arent already scared of what will happen#if trump wins. do you for real think you need to be adding extra anxiety into the mix. do you actually think we are unaware of the stakes#or do you think maybe. perhaps. possibly. we already know. and just havent been talking about it because We Already Know#idk i just get fucking exhausted coming on here to be greeted by ppl going umm you stupid americans have no idea how important this is#no actually /you/ have no idea how important this is because you Dont Fucking Live Here#we're fucking aware that this will have knock on effects across the world. right now im more concerned about the Direct Effects#origibberish#idk. ive just been getting the impression lately that a lot of yall see yourselves as inherently smarter irt us politics than the average#us citizen / that us citizens are by default Stupid And Uneducated. and it starts to grate after a bit.#We Fucking Know. we're strapped to the trolley tracks right beside you. like. the idea that we're the ones steering the trolley is#propaganda.#it's like when europeans get all haughty abt 'lmaooo imagine not having free healthcare' like. bbgirl you are not punching up.
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kicks rocks. lab results were normal 😔
#been having a Missing The Vitamin moment for a while now. and was finally brave enough to do some tests to figure it out#but everything was fine except higher glucose (i was eating candy) and lower vitamin D (it's cloudy idk)#so like. What's My Deal Then.#(probably just anxiety. which sucks so bad. but whatever)#aaaaaaaaa#pho.posts
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i'm not doing too well recently but checking your blog in the mornings makes me happy 🫂 i hope things are better for you soon. we can make it through this
oh dear i’m sorry to hear that 🫂💜 i hope things look up for you soon
#maybe by the weekend i’ll feel better…just some anxiety inducing things at work this week and idk#i’m feeling less hurt/upset than i was over the weekend but there’s still some lingering guilt and panic over things#and i even had a nightmare last night#that’s been pretty hard to shake#and then i feel bad publicizing my feelings like this cause i don’t wanna idk come off as attention seeking#everything just kinda sucks but i know that it’s been worse and ive gotten through it#i must be doing okay on the outside at least cause if anything one of my employees made a comment of how kindhearted i am#which felt good to hear with the recent troubles i’ve had with my team lately
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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.
#everything is wretched rn#i feel so unbearably lonely atm.#the more i get to know the 17-19 years old i work with the more i deeply dislike them and their values.#i can't even think about the state of the world without falling into crippling despair and existential dread#but at least i have my little story i'm trying to write#and its literally the only thing i'm clinging onto rn bc i feel like im going insane#and idk if my anxiety is just about the world in general rn#or if i actually do hate my new job/the people there....#or if im just tired or what#but everything is bad#everything is so fucking bad. on top of it my sleep has been so awful lately.#and its dark at 4pm#about moi#ignore me im having an existential crisis
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Tomorrow Is Election Day And I Am So Fucking Stressed
#marzi speaks#marzivents#hi folks. i haven’t been making much art lately. apologies! i want to be#unfortunately shit is Stressful in both my little world (i’m starting to get overwhelmed with my meds and refills and driving)#and on a broader more societal scale (if trump gets re-elected shit is going to go so fucking bad oh my god)#PLUS we’re in the It Gets Dark At 6PM Zone now#i think i’ve lowkey been catastrophizing a bit with all that’s been going on#i should probs look into those psych referrals my doctor gave me#she offered them bc the almost-dying earlier this year was Traumatic and i was showing signs of anxiety/depression#but i think they’ll just be helpful in general#god though i hate being on prescriptions. it feels like there’s a constant timer hanging over my head#refill these pills before this time so you don’t have to miss a day. woops! the pharmacy’s out of stock on this one#so you’ll have to come back at another less convenient time. fail to do so and the medication goes on hold#which requires a phone call where you speak to a Robot that may not understand the nuances of ur situation#grrrgh it sucks so bad. thankfully i refilled my prednisone the other day and have like 3 months’ worth now#and that’s the one i really can’t afford to miss bc steroid withdrawals could really fuck me up#but uggghhh i hate it. so much. bc it looms over me always#i hate keeping track of when i’ve taken my pills too. i keep a checklist for every day#so i remember what i have to take and if i’ve taken it#but god it sucks. i’m at the point where it’s basically routine now so i do it automatically#but i know if i stop monitoring i’m gonna forget if i’ve taken my steroid one day#and either double dose or skip the day. and that’ll fuck me up pretty good#anyways. hoping hoping hoping this election goes well bc idk if i can take it if our country tis of thee elects the fucking fascist#this one’s fine to rb. i think many of us share this sentiment lmao
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Hey so, do I have a moral obligation to skip out of work for a week and a bit, fly to Pennsylvania, and do canvassing/phone banking/telling people where polling stations are/helping them find ID/driving people to polls/etc? I know nobody can tell me because it's my morals, I have to figure it out myself, but I really really, please someone just tell me.
Mr Bear says 'it's not your job, it's not your responsibility' but I just asked, 'whose responsibility is it to fight fascism?' It's everyone's. Right? How do you tell the difference between doing the right thing and scrupulosity? oh shit what that counts as OCD? Where's the line?
Will I ever forgive myself when I didn't go and voting/donating wasn't enough? Will I ever forgive myself anyway? Will I make any difference with strangers if I can't even convince my own family to do the right thing?
Is it supposed to be this hard? I guess it is. Nobody said it was easy or fair, right.
#personal#ethics#uspol#us elections#politics#my anxiety is as bad as it's ever been about anything at this point#for the last week I've been checking the postal tracking on my ballot multiple times a day#panicking because how long does it take to send an envelope across a mid-sized city??#it's arrived and counted now so that's ok but#I should have written VoteForward letters#I should have resigned from my job and gone back for the last months at least#I should have donated more#I should have tried to...idk I should have tried#I don't actually have anything in my diary this week#next week I do so I'd have to miss some stuff and I don't have days off left this year but#I think work would let me take unpaid leave probably#I don't miss being religious but I wish to fuck I ever knew the right thing to do#i have to try right? or what good am i?
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I'm working on finding a dps that works for me. Had my tank and other dps tell me to "uninstall the game" because I had 1.6k damage which made me 'worthless' apparently. Even went as far as to say "gg to everyone except mei"
Bro. It's unranked. I'm practicing my worst role. Why are you such a dick?
Then, in my next round, I had wholesome interactions with a kiri and an echo as sombra, so all is well. But god. I knew it was gonna be a bad round when I was backfill and no one said hello.
#ill admit 1.6k is pretty low for me but I was also being shut down by doomfist. so#however I am really good at holding a team fight as mei. ive been in fights so long that I got my ult twice and one time even 3 times#honestly the numbers mean fuck all if theres no teamwork. you can have 10k damage 30 kills and still lose because you are not coordinating#idk why but i recognized the comment was triggering my anxiety but i was able to stop it by focusing on something else#baph bleats#gamer goat girl cred#baph's bad at games#overwatch#baph shut up
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