#Dad does care dad was so worried and he WOULD stick with u thick and thin he just thinks about ur sake

[fumifooms]

Thinking about them…

[fruitcoops]

If you’re up for more of a series could you possibly write the part of Remus recovering at home after leaving the game (the one with the stick to the face) and Sirius having to take care of him and all that?

Yes, I can! I’m so glad you guys are enjoying the continuation of something I wrote so long ago <3 Side note: I would give my left foot to be part of the Lions groupchat. Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove!

TW for bruises and blood

Sirius was worried. Even though Remus claimed he felt fine, he was just fine, everything was fine, a small seed of doubt lingered in the back of his mind. He had dozed off in the car on the way home—Sirius’ heart had stuttered for a moment before the swelling-enhanced snores started. His phone lit up every few seconds, but he didn’t dare take his eyes off the road for even a millisecond, just in case.

Remus woke when the car stopped and immediately winced. “What’s wrong?” Sirius asked, taking the hand that rested on his thigh.

“Just hurts.” Remus kissed his knuckles as best he could. His skin felt strange, and the edge of the tape was an unfamiliar sensation next to the softness of his lips. Sirius collected their gear from the trunk, then helped him up the front steps; just as he went to unlock the door, he felt Remus’ hand tighten on his forearm. “I hate not being able to see well.”

Sirius kissed his temple. “That’s what you’ve got me for.”

Hattie stopped in her tracks as soon as the door opened, and Remus frowned. “Hatters? Where are you, sweet girl?”

“She’s here.” Sirius whistled for her and crouched, setting their bags aside while Remus sat crosslegged on the floor and held his arms out. Hattie’s tail wagged low, almost as if she was afraid; she glanced up at Sirius, who tilted his head back toward Remus. “Go on, mon chou, he’s not going to break.”

“C’mere,” Remus said softly, shifting in her direction. “C’mere, babycakes. I need some cuddles right now—there we go. Okay, Hat Trick, okay.”

Sirius carefully closed the door as Hattie climbed into Remus’ lap and let him hug her, resting her chin on his shoulder. “Good girl,” Sirius said softly. A quiet sniffle led to a flinch. “Re? What’s wrong?”

“I fucking love our dog.” His voice sounded even more clogged than before.

“Are you alright?”

“It really hurts.” A shuddering breath made Hattie nuzzled closer. “Hey, good girl. I love you.”

Sirius sat down next to them and wrapped his arm around Remus’ shoulder, tracing a pattern with his thumb. “Deep breaths. You can take more Tylenol in a few hours. Let’s go get some ice, yeah?”

“Can I stay here with her?”

“Of course.” Sirius kissed the top of his head and gave Hattie a gentle pet before walking into the kitchen and grabbing an ice pack out of the freezer, as well as a towel to wrap it. The last thing Remus needed was a freezer-burned bruise. They were in the same position when he came back, though Remus raised his head from her thick fur when he heard him coming. “I’m going to put it on your face, okay?”

“Okay.” Remus sighed when the ice pressed against his eye and one hand came up to cradle Sirius’, running carefully down to his wrist. “Love you.”

“I love you, too. I was thinking about making some soup if you want to hang here for a bit.”

Remus nodded silently, though his lower lip wobbled in the one spot it wasn’t puffy. Sirius carefully transferred the ice pack to his hand and ran his thumbs over Remus’ cheekbones—usually they were sharp enough to cut glass, but now they were purple and overheated under his touch. He kissed each one before going back to the kitchen.

After grabbing some soup from the freezer and turning the stove on, he finally took his phone out. You Have: 20 New Messages

Message From: J ;)

Did you get home safe?

Call me when u can

Lil is worried ☹

Tell Re we send big hugs

 Message From: Tremz <3

Lmk when you get home

Leo is making soup for u

Bringing it over demain matin and won’t let us have any :(((

 Message From: Bliz

Nat sends her love for Re

Remember ice packs and NO IBUPROFEN DUMBASS

Ily

 Message From: Dumo

Sa mère est inquiète

Send text when home safe, love you

 Message From: Walkie Talkie :P

U okay? Sending lots of love

Lmk if you need soup or smth <3

 Message From: Hope <3

Thank you for the call honey <3

Tell Remus not to look at his phone and keep us updated please

Love you so much <3

 Message From: Baby Rookie

I’m bringing y’all soup and that’s a threat

NO IBUPROFEN OR I’LL TP UR HOUSE

Big hugs for Re <333

 Sirius laughed under his breath.

Message To: STANLEY CUP CHAMPS FUCK YES

Home safe. Re is fine, getting lots of cuddles from Hattie. Thanks for the messages.

 He sent a few more texts to the individual people and, after a quick conversation with Hope, stirred the soup until it began to bubble. Remus entered the kitchen a few seconds after he took two bowls out of the cupboard. “Smells good.”

“It does. Are the lights bugging you?”

“Nah. At least I can see.”

Sirius poured out two portions and set one in front of Remus, handing him a spoon as well. “Careful, it’s hot.”

The corner of his mouth twitched. “Can’t cook it cold.”

Sirius’ phone began to ping several times in rapid succession and he turned the ringer off quickly, checking the screen to make sure there wasn’t an emergency. “Leo’s bringing us soup in the morning.”

“Neat. Is everyone else okay?” Remus blew the steam off his spoon.

“The guys are all worried about you.” Sirius glanced back up, only to see Remus staring down at his soup bowl, frozen in place. “Re? Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

“Is this my mom’s?” he asked in a small voice.

Sirius wracked his brain. “…I think so? It was in the freezer. Is that okay?”

He nodded silently and a tear dripped down his cheek. “ ‘s fine.”

“Are you sure?” He reached across the counter and pressed Remus’ hand between his own, wiping his cheek dry.

“God, I miss them. You called her, right? To let her know I’m fine?”

“I did. She told me to give you something.”

Remus’ eyebrows drew together and he looked up. “What?”

Sirius scooted around the table and wrapped his arms around Remus, pulling him in for a tight hug and pressing his face into his curls. “This.”

“Thank you.” Remus went a little boneless against him. “I needed that.”

“I bet. Do you want me to give them another call so you can talk to her?”

Remus squinted at the clock. “It’s pretty late.”

“They’re still awake.”

“Could we?” Remus dug around in his pocket and handed it to Sirius, who dialed Hope’s number and put it on speakerphone.

The call connected on the first ring. “Hello?”

“Hey, mom.”

“Are you okay, love?” Hope sounded like she was on the verge of tears already. “You sound a little funny.”

“A little banged up, but I’m alright.” Remus gripped Sirius’ hand tightly. “We heated up the soup you left us.”

“Oh, I’m so glad. Have you taken any Tylenol? Ibuprofen is bad for bruises, but I don’t know how much pain you’re in.” Her voice hitched at the end of the sentence.

“Mom, it’s okay,” Remus said gently. “It’s okay, I promise I’m fine. It looked worse than it was.”

Looks pretty bad to me. “Hestia took really good care of him,” Sirius said instead. “We got home safe and we’re icing up now.”

“What’s the healing look like? Sirius said you didn’t have a concussion.”

Thank you, Remus mouthed before turning back to the phone. “About two weeks, mostly for the little scrapes.”

The ‘little scrapes’ were held together by strips of medical tape, but once again, Sirius kept his thoughts to himself. “The blood was just a regular old nosebleed and a cut on the lip.”

Hope paused and they heard a new voice in the background. “Alright. Is it okay if Jules and your father say goodnight?”

“Yeah, totally.” Remus sniffled and Sirius silently handed him a tissue.

The line crackled for a moment. “Re?”

“Hey, buddy!” All trace of pain and exhaustion disappeared from his voice. “How’s it going?”

“Are you still bleeding?”

“Nope, my nose is a-okay. I’ve got a pretty cool black eye, though. Kinda look like a pirate.”

“The announcers were saying you were really hurt.” Jules’ voice wavered and Sirius’ heart broke a bit.

“Well, they were wrong.” Remus leaned closer to the phone, as if he could reach right through it. “In two weeks I’ll be good as new. I was really lucky.”

“Okay,” Jules still sounded unsure. “Mom says I have to go to bed.”

“Yeah, it’s late, buddy. Sleep well. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

There was a rustling noise. “Remus?”

“Hey, dad.” The exhaustion returned and Sirius rubbed his back gently, letting him lean on his shoulder.

After a moment of hesitation, Lyall sighed. “Alright, they’re in the other room. What actually happened?”

“High stick from the Ravens caught me in the face. No concussion, just bruises and swelling.”

“Do I want to ask Sirius to send me a picture?”

Remus winced. “Probably not.”

He sighed again. “I’m sorry we can’t come out and see you.”

“Don’t worry about it, dad,” Remus said softly. “Really, I’m okay. It sucks, it hurts, I’ll ice it and be fine.”

“Sirius, are you there?”

“I’m here.”

“If he starts pulling some ‘go back to practice early’ bullshit—”

“Dad—”

“—don’t let him. If you have to lock him in the bathroom, I promise to cover for you.”

“Yes, sir,” Sirius laughed.

Lyall chuckled on the other end as Remus groaned. “Love you.”

“Love you, too. If Sirius locks me in a bathroom, I’m citing you in the court case.”

“There won’t be enough witnesses if he does it right. Sleep well, kiddo. Thanks for calling.”

“Love you,” Remus said again as the call ended. He blew out a long breath and leaned his forehead on Sirius’ chest. “Thank you for that.”

“Ne rien, mon loup. You should eat and then take a shower.”

“Are you saying I smell?” Remus teased.

“Yes, I am. I also think you’ll feel better if you do.”

They ate in silence; both were hungry, so it wasn’t long before Remus walked carefully up the stairs. Sirius checked the groupchat as he poured himself a third bowl of soup. You Have: 7 New Messages.

Message From: STANLEY CUP CHAMPS FUCK YES

DETAILS CAP

That is the blandest fucking response I’ve ever read

I’m guessing y’all are alive then???

Y’all

Haha y’all

Ok gator boy

Give Hattie lots of kisses from us and also GIVE US DETAILS

 Message To: STANLEY CUP CHAMPS FUCK YES

What do you want to know??? We got home, ate soup, called parents, and now Re is showering

You’re so fucking nosy jfc

Also cut Rookie some slack it’s hard being so far from his swamp

 Message From: STANLEY CUP CHAMPS FUCK YES

From the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself.

He doesn’t have to he has Remus

Pots I’m going to remove your kneecaps

 Sirius paused just before responding. Despite the quiet of the house, he couldn’t hear the shower running. “Re?”

“Up here.”

“Did you take a shower already?”

“Not yet.”

The bathroom door was ajar and the light was on when he entered their bedroom; Remus stood at the sink, staring into the mirror as he felt along the edges of the butterfly tape at his lip. “Did something happen?”

“It’s worse than I thought.” Sirius stepped inside and joined him, staring at their reflections. The stripes that marked the stick’s edges had turned almost indigo since they left the rink; no less than six pieces of tape decorated the places between mottled bruises. Remus reached up to touch his cheekbone and Sirius guided his hand back down.

“Poking it won’t help.”

“Two weeks, huh?”

“That’s what Hestia told me.”

“Will you help me get the tape off?”

Sirius patted the edge of the counter and Remus pushed himself up on it, leaning forward for easy access. The first one was easy—a small cut just below his brow. It slid away without an issue and Sirius pressed a gentle kiss to the spot, then moved on to the next one. They fell into a rhythm—one side, second side, slow pull, and a kiss, until only two were left.

Remus hissed in pain as he lifted the edge of the tape across the bridge of his nose and Sirius shushed him softly, moving to the other side. “Two more, sweetheart.”

“Just rip it off.”

Sirius gave him a look. “Absolutely not.”

“I’ll do it.”

“No, you won’t, because that would be a stupid idea.”

Remus huffed, but didn’t protest. His jaw ticked as Sirius pulled the last bit off. “Can we leave the lip one?”

“Not unless you want an infection.”

“You’d be a good PT.”

“I would be the worst PT.” Sirius worked the inner edge free. “I know, like, ten stretches and basic first aid. My bedside manner sucks, too, and I’d pass the fuck out if someone asked me to set a bone for them.”

“Good points all around,” Remus laughed.

The motion pulled the last of the tape off and Sirius held it up with a grin. “All done. Hey, your swelling is down. I can see your eyes now.”

The slight gleam of amber brightened as Remus smiled. “I thought I could see a little better.”

“Do you want company?”

Remus thought for a moment, prodding the cut on his lip with his tongue. “As much as I’d love to invite you in, I think I need a second to myself.”

“Cool.” Sirius kissed his cheek and stepped out of the bathroom. “Yell if you need anything. I’ll be in bed.”

He made a pit stop downstairs to gather Hattie and bring Remus’ ice pack up, and by the time he finally slid between the sheets it was nearly midnight. Remus came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, looking happier but still incredibly worn out. He took another Tylenol and snuggled up against Sirius’ side with a quiet hum, laying the ice pack over his face once again.

“Sleep tight, Re.”

“Love you.”

[tobiaskswitch]

Aftercare || Tobias/Gunner

Wednesday morning, after the punishment was over, Tobias and Gunner go back to his suite for a nap.

Gunner was quiet as the door to his suite closed behind him. He's gotten through his first mark-wide punishment, and he definitely wasn't a fan of the concept, or the reality of it. He wasn't sure how he was going to fake a smile for his Moms, when he made his weekly video call to them. Normally, when he was walking into his suite with Karofsky at his side, his mind was buzzing. Were they going to fool around? Was Karofsky in the mood for a little light-hearted play, or did he want to learn more about humiliation play? Now, though, all he wanted was to rest and to have Toby take care of him. "Bed," Gunner mumbled, as he kicked off his shoes.

Toby hadn't been punished, since the switches were left out, but that didn't mean he hadn't been involved. Undeniably, he and the other switches had gotten the easiest part of the night, not being hurt like the subs or manipulated like the Dom's, but it had still been an incredibly stressful experience for him. Be was exhausted, but he kept glancing over at Gunner, who looked dead on his feet. At least it wasn't like last time, Toby thought. At least it was over in one night. Small mercies? "Yeah," he agreed, taking off his shoes and jacket by the door and then following Gunner back to his bedroom. "Do you ...need anything?" He really wasn't sure how to help.

Gunner walked into the bedroom, and took off his pants and shirt, throwing them over his desk messily. He shook his head after a moment and then walked over to his bed in just his boxers, and collapsed onto it. He picked up the remote control for the TV, and held it out to Toby. "We can watch something, if you want. Whatever you want," he said in a soft tone, as he laid his head against his pillow.

Toby nodded and took the remote, sitting on the edge of the bed as he turned on the TV and waited for it to wake up.  He looked over at Gunner as Netflix loaded.  "Hey," he said softly.  "I... I know this might not help at all, but... We all know you only did what you had to."  They didn't know the details of the tasks the Doms were given, whether they'd had a choice, but everyone had seen the videos that Gunner and Adam had made.  Poor Archer had had a rough night.  Toby looked away, then stood up and tugged off his jeans so he could get on the bed next to Gunner.  He didn't quite touch the Dom, but he was close.  "Look, lots of us were here last time, including your brother.  They made the Doms choose how we'd get hurt, but if they didn't choose, we only got hurt worse.  That happened to some people.  So...  We know you weren't given any options where no one gets hurt.  None of this was on you."

Gunner stayed silent as Toby spoke, and took off his jeans. He didn't deserve understanding or forgiveness, he knew that. He wasn't ever going to be okay with what he'd done, especially given that Adam had made almost the same decision in the same night. "It's not all on me. It's on Sue. But in the moment, I made the decision to out my brother, when I've made a big song and dance about giving him all the time he needs to work his shit out," Gunner murmured. "I've forced him into this, and I wouldn't be surprised if it makes him take a thousand steps backwards in being okay with himself and who he is," Gunner mumbled. He'd clearly been thinking about this non-stop since he'd recorded that video.

Toby nodded quietly, looking down at the space between them.  "He's in a safe place, though," he said softly, at length.  "I mean, as horrifying as this place is... no one cares who's gay, and who's bi, and who's into... dressing up like superheroes and boning while pretending to fight crime, or whatever shit people are into here.  So being out...  maybe it'll mean he starts getting support from people.  Maybe he'll stop hiding, and it'll actually help."

Gunner listened silently as Toby spoke, and then quietly shuffled closer to him, lowering himself further down the bed so he could rest his head on Toby's chest. "That's just a best case scenario. It doesn't change the fact that I took the decision out of his hands, and forced him into this," Gunner murmured. "Only monsters do things like that."

Toby was surprised when Gunner moved his head onto Toby's chest, but he definitely didn't mind.  He liked it, actually.  He liked the idea Gunner finding comfort in him.  He shifted so he could move his arm around Gunner's shoulders.  "So, you're talking about the monsters who forced you into outing him, Sir," Toby said flatly.  "That's what I was saying.  We know how this works, lots of us were here last time.  We know you weren't given any options that wouldn't make you hate yourself.  Archer knows that too, and so does Ryder.  They were both here for the last one.  They know."  He squeezed Gunner a little tighter for a second and started to scroll through Netflix options.

Gunner nuzzled against Toby's chest once the switch moved his arm around Gunner's shoulders. He stayed silent as Toby tried to make him understand that they all knew Gunner had had no choice, but it didn't make his guilt ease up. "None of that changes that I made a choice that's going to stick with my brother for the rest of his life. I took a big decision out of his hands, and I don't know how he's going to react to that, long term," Gunner mumbled, before nuzzling against Toby's chest some more, as if holding onto the switch would make all his worries go away.

Toby sighed softly.  He hadn't really expected to make Gunner stop feeling guilty over his choice.  Because Gunner was, well, a good person.  He cared about this stuff.  That was why Toby had started to trust him in the first place, last fall.  He cared.  "I know," he said quietly, running his fingers through Gunner's hair slowly.  He'd chosen a show, but he didn't press play yet.  "Just... remember you're not the monster here, okay?  You feel guilty because you love your brother.  A monster wouldn't be laying here hating himself for it.  And I'm pretty sure Archer knows you're not a monster, too.  You're a good person, Gunner."

Gunner murmured softly as Toby began to slowly play with his hair. "Maybe monster was too strong, but I'm not innocent here. I put someone else before my brother," Gunner said quietly, as he put his arm across Toby's waist and held onto him, before he looked up at the switch. "I put Silas before Archer," he admitted in a quieter voice, before letting out a sigh. "I like hearing you say my name. Sometimes titles are overrated," he mumbled.

"....Silas?"  He hadn't actually known who had been threatened.  He'd caught on, throughout the course of the night, that the Doms' alternative to performing the task was to let a submissive be punished instead.  But he hadn't known whose name had been on Gunner's instructions.  Suddenly Toby was thinking of the night he'd just been through, rather than Gunner's predicament.  He'd spent half the night just trying to talk to Silas, who hadn't been able to respond.  He'd thought his communicator was broken or something, but he'd just kept trying, desperately hoping to hear from his brother, as other subs were located and rescued, and dawn came, and still Silas hadn't been found.  It had been him and Marley, in the end, who'd been able to use the direction of the rising sun to get Silas to figure out his position relative to the switch building, so they could finally figure out which roof he was on.  By then, Silas had been beaten by the guards multiple times, covered in bruises and welts.  "You made the right choice," he said quietly.  "Si couldn't have taken any more last night.  He..."  Toby's throat felt thick, and he swallowed hard.  He remembered exactly how it felt, the way the guards laughed and mocked you when they were beating you, and how much they sounded like Dad when he was drunk.  He remembered the panic, forgetting where he was, unable to figure out what was real, lost in the same terror that his Dad had always induced.  And that had gone on all night for Silas.  Something like nine hours lost in that panicked haze.  He'd said that Toby's voice had helped ground him, but Toby knew it could only have helped a little.  He let out a breath, far more jagged and uneven than he'd have liked.  "He couldn't have taken another punishment," he said finally.

Gunner kept silent as Toby spoke. He wondered if maybe he shouldn't have said anything about Toby's brother being the submissive he would've had punished if he hadn't chosen to reveal Archer's secrets, but selfishly, he had to admit that it felt good to have someone tell him he'd made the right choice. He hated that it sounded like Silas had had a tough night, though, and quietly scolded himself for not checking on more people after his part of the night had been over. "That's what I was worried about," he murmured. "I knew what Archer would have to deal with. But I didn't know what Silas was dealing with. I didn't know if my punishment would be the only thing he had last night, or if it would be the straw that broke the camel's back," he mumbled, before sighing and using Toby's chest as his personal pillow once again.

"And you don't know what they would have done," he added quietly. "If it would have been a whipping, or... Something else. He.. couldn't have handled anything more." He was quiet for a moment, just staring at the wall. "He... Was having a panic attack, or a flash back maybe? I don't know what to call it. He, um. He was remembering what it was like at home, when dad would get drunk. And we'd hide, and hope he wouldn't look for us, but..." His voice became tight, and he let out a shaky breath. "The same thing happened to me last time there was a school wide. The guards just... Sometimes they sound like him. It does something in your brain, and suddenly you aren't sure what even real."

Quietly, Gunner moved back up the bed so he was face to face with Toby. He reached out and held onto Toby's hand, as Toby spoke about his dad. "I'm so sorry this is bringing up horrible things for you," Gunner said quietly, as he looked across the few inches separating them, on the bed. "I know that when the Colonel was here for parents week, I kept hearing his voice for weeks after. I couldn't shake it," he admitted. "If there's a mark-wide for switches again, I promise I'll take care of you," Gunner added gently.

Toby looked over at Gunner and gave a little shake of his head.  "It's okay.  I'm not the one who was hurt." But Gunner was right.  Just knowing what Silas had been through was bringing up all kinds of haunting memories.  "Thank you," he said quietly.  "For not letting them hurt him more than they did.  I know you feel bad about doing that to Archer, but...  Archer is tough.  I mean, so is Silas, but I saw him when he got back to the switch dorm in the morning.  I'm surprised he could still walk, with how beat up he looked."  Toby looked down, fidgeting with the remote.  "You're a good person, Gunner."

"No, but you're the guy I want to date," Gunner said quietly, as he squeezed Toby's hand gently. He shrugged his shoulders a little, as much as he could since he was laying on his side to face Toby, and nodded. "Archer's going to be angry and say dumb things, but I know Archer can get through this. I didn't know Silas well enough to know if he could handle the punishment," Gunner admitted. "God, I'm sorry you had to see Silas like that, but I heard you were pretty amazing," Gunner nudged Toby gently. "I don't know about that."

It shouldn't feel like a surprise to hear Gunner say that, when they had literally already been on a date together.  Why did it feel like such an unexpected declaration?  He looked over at Gunner searchingly, and squeezed his hand back before looking away again.  At the compliment, Toby's lips curled up at the edges in the barest hint of a smile.  "Thanks."  He looked over at Gunner again, meeting his eyes.  "You think I'd trust you even a little if you weren't a good person?  You protect people.  You let me hide in your room when I don't feel safe.  You're a good person."

"You're the cutest when you're smiling, even a tiny one like that," Gunner murmured, managing a smile of his own. "Okay, there are good things about me. But I bet Archer doesn't think so right now," Gunner sighed, as he inched closer to Toby, and rested his head on the switches's shoulder. "Can we just watch Netflix and maybe fall asleep?" he asked, another sign that he wasn't totally back to normal just yet.

That made Toby smile a little more, though he looked down.  As Gunner moved closer, Toby wrapped an arm around him again and pulled him close, happy to let Gunner lay his head on Toby's broad shoulder.  "Yeah, I like that idea."

@gunner-clarington

[i-write-fanfics-to-procrastinate]

Gajevy Week Day Six: Reconciliation

I’m gonna tell you something. I didn’t like the idea of this prompt at first, because anggsttt. Y’all know it hurts me too much. Then I had an idea… featuring the headcanon children--Galena, Flint, and Jade. :P

           It was a sunny day, so Levy had spent most of the day with her three children, outside. Galena had run, by herself, to the guild to play with her friends. But Flint was content enough to stay in their little front yard, building little fortresses out of stones and pebbles and knocking them over with his little wooden slingshot. Jade, the youngest at only a year and a half, had been fussy so Levy was bouncing her on her hip while she watered the flowers. Around late afternoon, just when Levy was thinking about getting ready to make dinner, Galena returned home in a huff—followed by her father.

Only moments later, Levy was drawn away from her flower box by the sound of yelling from within the house. Flint glanced up from where he was building another little wall of stones, his blue eyes wide.  

           “Is that Allie?”

           “It’s alright, you stay here and watch your little sister,” Levy sighed, placing Jade in the grass next to her brother. She ruffled Flint’s dark, thick hair and carefully stepped into their home. Galena was standing by the stairs, her arms crossed, her feet planted.

           “I’m going!” She shrieked, “I’m part of Fairy Tail too!”

           “Over my dead body,” Gajeel said. His stance was so similar to his daughter’s that if she wasn’t so small Levy imagined they would be mirror images of one another. Galena screamed, stamping her foot, tears streaming down her cheeks. Levy could see she was going into a full-on breakdown.

           “What in the world is going on?!” She demanded, swearing that she wasn’t about to take sides completely. Though, she had no doubt her husband knew what he was talking about.

           Stuttering over her words, Galena explained, “U-Uncle Natsu is l-letting Igneel and L-Layla go on a small job. I w-w-want to go too. I’m old enough. I just turned eight.” Levy glanced over at Gajeel knowingly. There was no way in hell Lucy would let her twins go out on their own.

           “Well, Galena, you have grown a lot, but going on a job could end up being very dangerous. Your dad and I are just trying to keep you safe.”

           “You’re not g-going to let m-me go either,” Her lower lip trembled, and then she spun around and dashed upstairs, screaming behind her: “I hate you!” The words felt like a knife, right to Levy’s heart, and when she saw her husband’s face… she knew he took the brunt of the hit. His expression was almost foreign… heartbroken.

           “Gajeel…” Levy murmured, reaching out to touch his shoulder. He moved slowly, pulling her into his arms, and dropping his head against his shoulder. His grip was tight, his whole body was tense.

           “How often am I going to have to hear that?” He murmured.  

           “Look at me,” Levy whispered, trying to fight back her own tears. “We’re not going to give up. We knew it was going to be hard the moment we found out I was pregnant. We have each other.” The tension melted, and Gajeel smiled.

           “I love you.”

           “I love you too, dragon,” Levy said, “Let’s leave Galena for a little bit. She’s stubborn like her father.” Gajeel snorted,

           “I’d say more like her mother.”

           “Heyyy!” Levy glared and the giggled. “Alright, she’s like both of us. Let’s say… you find a simple job, yeah? Maybe you can take her, just the two of you. She’d be so excited! She really looks up to you, you know?”

           “Are you sure?” Gajeel frowned. “You won’t be worried?”

           “Of course, I’ll worry. But I know a man who would give his life to make sure his daughter is safe. And that man is the bravest, strongest dummy I’ve ever met.”

           “Mama?” Flint poked his head in from the front door, “Jade is crying.”

           “Duty calls,” Levy said pulling out of Gajeel’s embrace.

           “Not so fast, short-stuff,” Gajeel snatched her hand up and spun her back into his arms to steal a kiss.

           “I’m not short,” Levy laughed against his lips.

***

           That evening, after they had finished making dinner, the young parents ventured into their eldest daughter’s room. Galena was laying face-down on her little bed, her wild, short hair sticking out at odd angles. When she looked up to see them enter, her cheeks were streaked with tears. She dropped her head against her pillow again, with a glare.

           “Go awaayyy.”

           Levy leaned against the doorframe, watching Gajeel sit on the edge of their daughter’s bed. “Hey, princess,” he said, “I wanted t’ apologize.”

           “Why?” Galena sat up, still glaring, “You’re not gonna let me go anyways.”

           “Hey, if I let you go on any job by yourself your mom would kick my ass—”

           “Gajeel!” Levy groaned.

           “My butt. Besides,” Gajeel reached out to wrap an arm around his daughter’s shoulders. “I’d worry the whole time you were gone.”

           “I’d be fine, watch.” Galena pressed her fist to the palm of her hand, “Metal make…” From her fingertips grew a knife, out of nothing. Levy could see it was sharp. It glinted in the fading light from the setting sun. She beamed, pleased with herself, holding the little knife in her hand. “And you taught me to fight, daddy. I can take care of myself.”

           “I know, Allie,” Gajeel sighed, “Listen, I have a compromise. How does this sound? What if you pick out a little job and we go on it together. That way we can practice your magic and fighting, and I don’t have to worry.”

           The way Galena’s eyes lit up made Levy’s heart melt. Her daughter’s grin—just like Gajeel’s… “Really?!”

           “Yeah, we can go pick out a job tomorrow.”

           “You’re the best, daddy!” Little arms wrapped around Gajeel’s neck, as Allie laughed.

           “Alright, alright, careful!” Gajeel grinned, “Will you come downstairs for dinner now, Als?”

           “Okay!” Downstairs, Levy could hear Jade fussing—Flint was trying to calm her down: “Jadey, Jadey. Do you want some mashed potatoes? Mmm! Mmm!!!”

           She would still worry, but as long as she knew Gajeel was with their little warrior—she’d be okay.

[translightyagami]

47. Apple Pie

dslkfjads i know when we talked u said u were thinking of misa for this but what about??? sachiko??? 

Fingers dug into a flour bag and spread it over thecountertop until it was covered. Sachiko wiped her hands off on her skirt.White patches stuck to the pink fabric looking like snow on a flower patch. Outof a glass bowl, she pulled pie dough, put it on the white counter and pattedit. Sitting on top of a mound of flour, the dough was a curled animal waitingto be treated gently. To the side was a bowl of apples cut into eighths andcovered in cinnamon.

In the living room, Sayu brayed to her friend on her cellphone about their communications professor. Something about how he didn’t evenread their papers and graded them all on if he liked them or not. Sachikofrowned but her heart was easy. She didn’t approve of her daughter disparagingher professors but just the sound of Sayu was good. Her voice gave the house acheerful pulse that it lacked these days. Soichiro wasn’t around often. Lightdidn’t come over unless he needed to do laundry and even then, he brought Misawith him. He was supposed to join them for dinner tonight which meant she’dhave to set a place for Misa as well.

Sachiko pulled out a long wooden rolling pin and started tostretch the dough. Underneath her hands, the rolling pin pushed wave-likeagainst her palms. Each push was a mindless action, easy to do and then concentrateon other things. She opened the windows of her mind and let in some air to dustoff her thoughts.

She liked Misa just fine. There wasn’t much about her todislike beyond her continued girlishness, exaggerated by the mature figureLight struck next to her. Sachiko didn’t feel as though Misa was the bestchoice but at the very least she was a choice. For a long time, she had herdoubts Light would settle into a girl, find one that fit him, before he wasmuch older and she hadn’t expected Misa to be the one he made a home with. Shepictured a more elegant sort of woman at her son’s side, a woman who could holdher own in a conversation and challenged Light. Of course, one could nevertruly predict their child’s decisions and Light had always been such a discerningyoung man. Misa must have some quality to her that attracted him even ifSachiko didn’t see it.

Sayu snorted and Sachiko pushed her rolling pin to the veryedge of the dough. When they were children, she worried that Sayu might becovered by Light’s shadow. Once she started school, Sachiko and Soichirothought perhaps they might be lucky enough for two little geniuses. That outcomenever surfaced but Sayu didn’t seem upset to come home with poorer grades thanher brother. Rather than trail behind him, she walked beside Light with her ownaccomplishments—her social skills and a second place trophy from a youth soccerleague.

Leaning over, Sachiko closed oneeye and checked the dough’s thickness. Perfect. Slipping careful hands beneathit, she lifted the dough and carried it over to the pie tin. With a gentlegrace, she let it drape over the metal. Picking up a knife, she started to cutaway the excess dough when the house phone rang. She put the knife down, wipedher hands again and took the green plastic phone off the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mom.” Light’s voice strainedfor politeness. “How are you?”

“Oh, I’m alright.” Sachiko triedto push down the worry welling up in her stomach. That strain only came throughwhen Light had bad news. “How funny that you called. I was just thinking ofyou.”

“Really?” Genuine surprise liftedLight’s tone and the worry faded a touch. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “You rememberhow you used to eat all those apples when you were younger? I thought it mightbe nice to have apple pie for dessert tonight, just as something fun. What doyou think?”

“Hm? Oh. Yeah, that sounds great,Mom.” Rustling sounds in the background warned her he was at work. “It’s justthat, well, I don’t think Misa and I will be able to make it.”

Her heart sucked into itself anddropped. For a moment, Sachiko thought maybe she heard wrong. Perhaps the phonehad chopped Light’s words to make him cancel again.

“Are you sure?” The tentativepitch of her voice embarrassed her. To speak to her son in such a small way wasridiculous. “You haven’t come to dinner once this month.”

“I’ve just been,” Light paused, “busylately. You wouldn’t understand.”

“I’m your mother.” Sachiko let herwords go hard. “There’s a lot I can understand. But this is the third time you’vecanceled. I don’t want to tell you how to live your life but it tells a lotabout your character when you don’t stick to your plans.”

Light huffed but she knew he waslistening. When he got upset, that’s when she knew he absorbed what she said.It was the only time he left the door open a crack so she could come in.

“I just can’t come,” he said. “Idon’t see how that says anything about my character.”

“You shouldn’t cancel plans theday of,” she said. “It’s very rude. I didn’t raise you to be rude.”

“Mom.”

“Light.”

Something tapped and she picturedhim sitting in his little office, tapping his pencil to the desk in circles theway he used to when he did his homework. She’d seen his workplace and she knewhe didn’t like it. He hadn’t said as much but in his eyes, disappointmentsurfaced when he told her this cubicle was his. She remembered when Soichirofirst started and how his desk had been cluttered with their wedding photo,little framed pictures of Light and then Sayu. There were no pictures on Light’sdesk.

Light sighed and the tappingstopped.

“Alright,” he said. “We’ll bethere.”

“Good.” Sachiko grinned with a bitof unhappiness wedged between her teeth. “I’m very glad.”

“Of course.” A trickling laughbroke through the phone. It was so nice to hear Light laugh in his soft, sweetway. “Does that guilt trip work on Dad too?”

“Oh yes. But he usually gave memore heads up. I could prepare a better speech.”

Light let out a louder laugh thatsounded like plastic wrap ripping and discomfort spiked through Sachiko. She preferredhis other laugh.

“Okay,” Light said. “I have to gonow. But I’ll see you tonight.”

“Yes.” Sachiko twisted the phonecord around her finger. “I can’t wait to see you.”

Silence carved a canyon betweenthem before Light responded.

“Me too.” His tone was perfunctorybut beneath it was a strange solemn tone. “Good bye, Mom. I love you.”

She repeated the phrase back andthen hung up. On the counter, the pie sat with excess dough half cut andhanging on the side. Sayu cackled at something her friend said. Sachiko lookeddown at her skirt and shook her head. She’d need to change into something nicerfor dinner.

[agapaic]

[fic] rising upside down: middle [2/3]

he tian x mo guan shan

tags/notes: angst, swearing, allusions to sex, non-consensual kissing; inspired by “Rising Upside Down” by SYML, commissioned artwork by robnemmon, and a conversation with 19daysruinedmylife.

synopsis: jian yi disappears on the second day of high school. how does he tian tell guan shan that he’s going too?

links: part one | read on ao3

Don’t be like me, kid. Don’t turn out like me. Don’t fall in love.

Guan Shan had frowned at that last one, puzzled, not understanding. Mom? he’d asked. Mom put you here?

And his dad laughed, sad and low. Shook his head. Nah, kid. Nah, your mom is… Be good to her. Look after her for me. But don’t fall in love. They’ll wreck you for it.

Two years. The second year of high school, and Guan Shan’s fifth mistake in as many months.

It was rush hour, the subway unbearable, Guan Shan’s school shirt sticking to his back. He breathed through his mouth, and it got caught on the exhale as the crowds shifted, and he had a sudden direct line of sight to the end of the carriage. His eyes swallowed the sight of them whole: a dark head. Broad shoulders. An arrogant lean against the doors of the train carriage, leather jacket, rucksack slung over a shoulder. Earphones in.

Guan Shan didn’t remember getting out of his seat. His bag was already smacking against his shoulder blades as he pushed through the swarm of kids in school uniforms and men and women in suits, briefcases and rucksacks barring his way, someone’s bike wheel bruising his shin, a suitcase to shove out the way.

Too soon, the train was lurching, a sway of bodies, and the doors slid opened. A voice monotone over the speakers. Guan Shan looked around wildly.

Was this—? It wasn’t his stop. Three left. He looked back.

They were leaving. Slipping through the doors, dark frame heading down the underground platform. Guan Shan had to get off.

His heart was in his throat as he pushed his way through, barely making it onto the platform before the doors shut and the train slid away down the tunnel. Absently, he knew he’d be home late tonight—would have to come up with some fucking excuse that would light worry in his mom’s eyes, a low-burning flame because of him that never really went out.

He was aware of his skin, suddenly feverish and laying heavily against his bones, some suit that didn’t fit him, that felt out of place. His feet carried him down the platform, up the narrow set of stairs onto the sun-baked street, tripping over himself as his head moved about erratically.

Guan Shan saw them again, yards away and walking fast. He started running.

He weathered the curses thrown at him as he pushed past, lurching through, shoulder-shoves he would have fought over once, no apology on his lips—and then they were in reaching distance, and Guan Shan had a hand out, a fistful of PVC leather, a body spun around and—

It wasn’t him.

The eyes were lighter. Skin too pale. A wrong mouth. The long nose, that severe jawline Guan Shan traced with an uncertain fingertip, the throat that Guan Shan had pressed his mouth to a thousand times two summers ago and—

It wasn’t him.

‘The fuck, man?’ the guy said, tugging out an earbud. His voice wasn’t low and grazed with cigarette smoke. There was no lazy look of derision. Amused superiority. No spark of fondness that Guan Shan knew had only ever been reserved for him. Just irritation. A foreign look. They were strangers to one another.

‘Thought you—thought you were someone else,’ Guan Shan muttered. And then, because he was supposed to, ‘Sorry, I… got it… wrong.’

‘Whatever,’ the guy threw out, shrugging off Guan Shan’s hold. Guan Shan let go of the jacket, stepped back as they tugged it back in place and readjusted their loose earphone with a dark look, and started heading back down the street.

Guan Shan stood still, hands limp at his side, end-of-workday traffic and pedestrians swarming around him. He noticed then that the guy had been the same height as himself, while He Tian was taller; He Tian would never have cut his hair like that. He Tian never took the subway except for when he was with Guan Shan. And He Tian would be seventeen now, nearly eighteen. Taller, broader. Older. More severe.

Impossible to imagine, for two reasons: impossible that He Tian would now be possibly more than how he’d looked from that last night—neon signs and a pink dawn and birdsong at 5am, mussed hair and dark square-rimmed glasses. That smile.

Impossible that Guan Shan could have mistaken some stranger—less, in every way—for him.

Guan Shan ran his hands through his hair, close-cropped, like always. Let out a whoosh of breath that rattled its way through his lungs.

Two years.

He was still desperate. Still hoping.

Fucking idiot.

To: Zhan Zhengxi | Sent 18:54

thought i saw him on the street

5th time in 5mnths..

From: Zhan Zhengxi | Received 18:55

I haven’t stopped doing that either. Don’t know if it’s better or worse that there aren’t that many guys with blond hair in China…

To: Zhan Zhengxi | Sent 18:57

better bc it dsnt happen as often

worse bc the chance it could be jy is 10x better(worse?)

From: Zhan Zhengxi | Received 19:30

Maybe.

From: Zhan Zhengxi | Received 03:21

Question: If He Tian came back now, and turned up at your door, would you let him back in?

No questions asked?

To: Zhan Zhengxi | Sent 03:42

when he left he said he knew id wait for him w/o him even asking – if he told me to or not

From: Zhan Zhengxi | Received 03:45

…

Is that a yes?

To: Zhan Zhengxi | Sent 03:50

answer: wtf do u think

They’ll wreck you for it. They. Not a person. Not a group or an organisation. That wasn’t who Guan Shan’s father had been talking about. Years of research and internet searches and newspaper clippings told Guan Shan there could have been a ‘they’, some back-alley gang with a sordid reputation. Men with dog-tags and too many tattoos and tobacco-stained teeth.

He had to remember that his dad had gone to prison for a reason.

But they, whoever they had been—however they’d fucked his dad over—were not the they that Guan Shan’s dad had been talking about from behind a visitor screen. The plastic had been scratched and cracked and marked with oily fingertip smears. Guan Shan’s dad held a grimy teal phone in his hand, clutched in a white-knuckled grip.

A month in and his dad had already looked older, lines in his face, hair buzzcut short, a cut on his cheek half-healed that would scar.

He’d never been the philosophical type. He didn’t expend words more than they were needed, used them like a finite resource he didn’t have the money to buy more of. He valued quietness, and hard work, and a kind of sharp determination that stung. Guan Shan knew what that determination was like—he’d shaped himself in it, grown up in it, made a home out of it before he had made a home of something else. Out of someone else.

The door to his bedroom opened, halting the familiar route his thoughts were about to take, light leaking through the crack. The shadow of his mother blocked out the hallway light.

‘Are you asleep?’ she whispered.

Guan Shan pressed his cheek further into the pillow, fisted the sheets around his chest.

‘Can’t,’ he said, voice gravelly.

She shut the door behind her. Darkness fell again, the light of his Xbox blinking, his phone discordantly flashing with group messages he’d been ignoring from people he didn’t care about talking about things he didn’t give a shit about. Billboard signs glowed behind the thin veil of his curtains. Another night of not-quite-darkness.

He Tian had had blackout blinds in his apartment. Guan Shan’d never slept better anywhere but there; he hadn’t had a night uninterrupted by light and electricity since him. He remembered waking up to nothingness, having to scrabble for a light switch, blinking at He Tian in dim lamplight. He was sitting up and leaning against the wall—no headboard—with a lit cigarette and a dark smile, torso bare, while Guan Shan slept in his usually un-slept-in sheets.

‘Not sleeping?’ he’d asked.

‘You know me.’

Guan Shan did. He’d watched him blearily, the cherry of his cigarette stubbed out, fading in and out of sleep, until He Tian’s eventual movements from the bed dragged him into wakefulness.

‘Let’s go,’ He Tian’d said. ‘I need to walk.’

A glance at the clock. A groan. ‘Fuck, it’s four in the morning.’

‘Let’s go.’

They went.

Now, his mom’s slippers scuffed lightly on the hardwood floor. The bed sank slightly beneath her weight. He could smell her perfume, light and floral, and the underlying scent of disinfectant from the hospital.

‘Okay?’ she said, low. ‘Nervous about tomorrow?’

The start of his third and final year of high school. He’d forgotten. ‘Hngh.’

‘Convincing,’ she remarked.

He said nothing. Her sigh was heavy, and Guan Shan felt it shake him.

He knew her silences well—uncertain and thick with a nervous sort of energy. So used to her husband’s quietness. So used to Guan Shan’s irascibility, his snappishness. An anger like putting a hand on a hot stove.

‘It’s not you,’ he muttered.

‘What’s going on with you?’ she murmured, hand on his shoulder. ‘You know I’d never normally ask.’

He shrugged her off. ‘Nothing’s going on.’

‘I don’t like you lying to me.’

Guan Shan said, ‘I don’t like you worrying about me.’

‘I care about you and love you. If I don’t worry about you, who will?’

‘Fuck’s sake,’ he muttered, throwing off the sheets, sitting up until he could wind his arms around drawn-up knees. It was stuffy in his room, summer again pressing close on the city, no aircon in their tiny apartment. Too hot for this kind of talk. Too much like the way the night had felt when He Tian left, some endless memory on repeat—warmth on Guan Shan’s bare shoulders, a heavy arm like a blanket, the quietness of the streets, electricity charged and humming through power lines.

Guan Shan ran his hands through his hair. It was getting longer, but not enough to grab a fistful. Not enough for it to sting.

‘Shan Shan—’

‘I said I was fine, Mom. Can we just–not.’ He said, ‘Please.’

His mom’s back was straight. She kept her hands folded in her lap, kept her gaze steady on the door. ‘There was a time,’ she said, ‘at the end of middle school. Things seemed different for you. Better. Since your dad—’

‘Don’t talk about him. Just don’t.’

She carried on: ‘When he left I thought that was it. You were so unhappy and angry and, for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out where I’d gone so wrong.’

Guan Shan balled his sheets in curled fists, bitten fingernails pressing into his palms. He hated when she talked like this—self-deprecating and doubtful, thoughts said aloud. Fuck, couldn’t she see this was all him?

‘You didn’t,’ he muttered. His heart pounded in his chest. He felt it sourly in his throat. ‘Unless you think I’m wrong.’

‘Never.’

‘Then—’

‘You got better, Shan Shan. You were happy. I thought maybe it had been your age. That you’d had enough time. That your friends had brought you out of that shell you were in. And then high school started, and this whole time you’ve been… You’ve been…’

‘What,’ Guan Shan said. ‘What have I been.’

‘Is that boy—She Li—is he bothering you again?’

Guan Shan glared. ‘This has nothing to do with him—’

‘I remember when He Tian would come over and—’

‘Don’t talk about him, Mom—’

She got to her feet, a dark silhouette in his room. He could feel her stare on him, worried and confused and angry. Because that anger had never been his father’s, and it hadn’t entirely been his own. If Guan Shan was a bonfire, his mother had put in him the kindling.

‘Don’t talk about your father,’ she reeled off. ‘Don’t talk about He Tian. Can I talk about anyone? Can I even talk to you?’

Guan Shan’s face screwed up. ‘Why would you want to? If I’m such a disappointment to you.’

‘Dis—’ She sucked in a breath, let it whistle through her teeth. ‘Why do you say things like this? Do you realise how hurtful they are for me to hear?’ Suddenly, she put her head in her hands, small shoulders rounded and hunched.

Seconds ticked by, still and quiet. This was stifling. Guan Shan wanted to get out; he wanted her to leave. Maybe this was how He Tian used to feel, irritable and restless and forever awake. Let’s go, he used to say. A hand held out, palm up, for Guan Shan to take. Why couldn’t he be here and offer Guan Shan that now? Why the fuck wasn’t he offering the escape when Guan Shan needed it?

‘You don’t eat,’ his mom whispered. ‘You barely sleep. Don’t tell me your eyes are always red from smoking, because I know you hate it, and you’re just like him sometimes so I know when you’ve been crying.’

Guan Shan gritted his teeth. If she brought up his dad one more time…

‘I’m trying,’ he pushed out. ‘I swear to fuck I am trying—’

‘What’s happened?’ she asked. Jumped in like she couldn’t help herself. Like Guan Shan had offered a line and if she didn’t take it now she’d never get it again. ‘Just tell me what happened.’

He could feel something closing in on him. ‘I don’t know, I can’t explain it, I just—’

‘You just what?’

Guan Shan rubbed at the pressure at his temples. ‘I just—I miss him, Mom,’ he blurted out. ‘Fuck, I hate it but I miss him and—’

‘Who? Who do you—’

‘He Tian. It's—Mom, I miss He Tian.’

He could feel her confusion. He didn’t know what she thought he’d say. Whose name he would pluck out when he hadn’t had friends over since middle school. When he only saw Zhan Zhengxi a handful of times at school. Saw She Li where people didn’t see.

He didn’t know what could be running in her head, to hear him say those words, to talk with an honesty that felt like he’d been flayed, flesh and muscle laid bare and skin in ribbons. Everything pinkish and raw.

Shouldn’t he have healed by now?

‘He Tian?’ she said, after a moment. ‘But I thought—I knew you were friends for a time but you barely—I thought you hardly knew him.’

‘No, I know him. I knew him, Mom.’ Shit. ‘I thought I knew him, I—’

‘I understand.’

‘I can’t fucking—begin to explain—’

‘You don’t need to,’ she said, and Guan Shan looked at her. ‘I understand.’

‘No, you don’t—’ You can’t.

‘I really do,’ she interrupted.

‘How could you—’

‘Because he used to talk to me. When he was here. About you. Asked so many questions about you. About your dad. About me.’ Her gaze softened. ‘Sometimes,’ she said softly, ‘there are notes through the door. You’re asleep or out. They come just before my shifts start.’

Guan Shan was still. ‘What do they say?’

‘It doesn’t matter. But sometimes there’s money.’

‘Money,’ Guan Shan said. Flat.

‘In my account. I’ve tried to trace the transfer. But the bank said it’s offshore and…’ Her eyes flashed. ‘We know who it is, Guan Shan.’

‘Burn it.’

She looked at him, startled. ‘Burn—’

‘Withdraw the cash and burn it,’ he said coldly, and then, face screwing up, spitting: ‘We don’t need his charity. We don’t need anything from him. He left.’

His mom said, ‘He left you.’

Guan Shan felt himself still at those words—thoughts on repeat, a companion for the past two years, now said on someone else’s tongue, his mother’s tongue—while something thrashed on the inside, his body a cage that the unseen part of himself could throw itself against until he punctured his lungs on splintered ribs.

‘He left me,’ he echoed, a dull agreement. I’m not kidding myself, it said. I know my worth.

‘Because of an argument?’ his mom asked. She was moving again, settling herself back down on the space she’d left on his bed. She didn’t stare at the door this time: she twisted herself until they were facing each other. Guan Shan lay back down, a hand on his stomach, and his gaze wandered the low ceiling of his bedroom.

‘Because of something else. He wouldn’t tell me. Family stuff.’

His mom said, ‘So he left everything. And he didn’t want to.’

‘Who knows,’ Guan Shan muttered. ‘Maybe it was exactly what he wanted. Maybe it was all a front just so he could go and fuck other people.’ He dragged his fingernails across his sheets. ‘People are creative when they want to break up with someone and don’t know how to, right? They say they’re moving away. That they have commitments. It’s all just bullshit though.’

A glance at his mother, and she was frowning. Not, he realised, at what he’d said—what he’d admitted to. Had she known?

‘He didn’t seem like the type.’ Her words were honest and open and assessing. ‘And he wants to care for you the only way he knows how to. With money.’

‘Yeah, that’s the kinda guy I like,’ Guan Shan said dryly. ‘Someone who throws money at problems he can’t be bothered to fix.’

‘I think we both know there are more reasons behind He Tian’s actions than that.’

Guan Shan closed his eyes. His mom was scolding him; there was an edge of reprimand to her voice. He’d… missed this.

‘Mom, what do I do?’ he asked. ‘How do you stop feeling like this? How long does it take?’

Silence.

He swallowed, tilted his head, opened his eyes.

She was looking right at him, waiting like she knew he would ask this if she played her cards right, like she was getting where she hoped she finally would.

You’re a chess board, she’d once said to him. He was sixteen. They’d gone for dinner; Guan Shan had stood up and stormed out. Some stupid argument, wounds still fresh: He Tian; his mom re-opening old ones: his dad. She’d found him one street down on a graffitti’d park bench, his trainers digging crevices into the gravel with each sullen kick.

Because I’m always so fucking difficult to navigate? he’d asked, steeling himself for another outburst. He could already feel it building inside of himself like a supernova.

No, she’d said. Because I have to think five steps ahead of every move, so that when I make my move it’s one that matters. So I can get through to you. Bring your barriers down one by one until you’ll listen. Or until you decide you want to be honest with me and tell me what’s really going on.

Guan Shan had said, Sounds fucking exhausting.

His mom shrugged. Her expression had been wry, and it was the kind they used to share: some quiet secret. Something funny that only they could laugh at. It’s a process, she said. And I’m getting faster at knowing which move to make.

He sensed it in her now: the relief of knowing she’d made the right ones. He guessed he was like a door with ten locks, each one needing a different key, needing to be unlocked in a sequence. He Tian had been simple: open a door and walk straight in. You got what you were given.

‘It takes as long as it needs to,’ she said now. ‘Sometimes it never stops. Sometimes you don’t… ever really stop waiting, or thinking. But it gets easier. A little lighter.’

‘No, I just want it gone,’ Guan Shan said. He wanted something permanent. Something irreversible.

He watched her tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, the gesture girlish and calm. Sometimes he forgot that she was still so young. Too young to have had a kid. Too young to have gotten married. Too fucking young to have been left alone.

She sighed and said, ‘Is it easy to cut off your own arm? Or pull out a lung? This is a part of you. It doesn’t just work like that. If you want to cut out a scar, you’re going to have a bigger scar.’ She paused. ‘You can tattoo over it, or turn it into something else. But it doesn’t change the tissue underneath.’

‘I didn’t wanna hear this.’

Simply, ‘I’m your mother. I’ll tell you what you need to hear before I’ll tell you what you want.’

He rubbed at his face, felt the tiredness in his eyes. His teeth ached. His throat felt dry and dusty. He wanted to sleep, and keep sleeping, until he could wake up and it would be gone. But he knew what she would say: time just delayed the inevitable. His problems would still be there when he woke up.

‘So… nothing,’ he surmised. ‘Keep living through this.’

‘Baby steps,’ she said. ‘Play basketball. Spend time with me like we used to. Think about school. If you think about him, then let that happen. Don’t try and push it away.’

Guan Shan curled on his side, pressed his cheek into the pillow. In a cautious voice, he asked, ‘Was this what it was like with Dad?’

She was quiet for a while. He started to think maybe he shouldn’t have asked. But he knew she liked to talk about his dad, and sometimes just as an issue rather than as a person. He knew she would like that he was trying. Eventually: ‘In some ways it was worse, because I knew where he was going, and how long for. In some ways it was better, for the same reasons.’

‘You think I’m an idiot? ‘Cause I’m young. ‘Cause I don’t know what it’s really like to lose someone and—’

‘I don’t think you’re an idiot,’ she said softly. Her hand went to his shoulder. ‘It’s alright to feel what you feel. One day you might look back and you’ll wonder how it could have ever been like this. But that doesn’t make it wrong. Also you’re my son, and I didn’t raise an idiot.’

‘Say that to my teachers,’ he muttered.

She snorted. Patted him. ‘Your grades can be excused. For now, not forever, Mo Guan Shan.’

‘I wanted to make you proud,’ he told her. He didn’t know why he was telling her this. Tomorrow this bubble of honesty would dissipate, and he’d sweep up the awkward remnants like a popped balloon. ‘After Dad, I told myself that was my chance to prove myself. To do what he couldn’t. I’m fucking it up.’

‘Because you’re trying to make me proud,’ she said. ‘When I want you to make yourself proud.’

‘Is this that thing you talk about with your patients? That self-worth thing?’

She smiled at him. ‘Something like that.’

‘Do they ever listen to you? Do what you say?’

‘Sometimes,’ she said. Winked. ‘If they know what’s good for them.’

The city was different at night. Street-corners changed, took on a different shape. Lights were brighter and their hue was lurid and rich. Cars slinked and lurked through the roads; shadows stretched long and mawish. The park where She Li asked him to meet was the same: there was no romanticism about it. The city was different at night, but night carried everything the same way.

She Li was sitting on the back of a bench when Guan Shan arrived, feet planted on the seat. He was dressed in black, silver hair catching orange lamplight, rings glinting. His dog tags hung low around his neck.

A tall guy with his hood up stood in front of She Li, hands in his pockets, shoulders rounded. He rocked back on his heels while they talked, voice too low for Guan Shan to hear. To someone who didn’t know She Li, or the people he kept around him, they both looked relaxed; they could have been friends. But She Li didn’t have friends, and Guan Shan knew he was at his most dangerous when he was comfortable.

Guan Shan waited a moment, lingering by the wrought iron arch that framed the park entrance. They hadn’t seen him, but it didn’t take long for She Li’s gaze to flicker across when he stepped forward. She Li’s mouth moved, something muttered. The guy he was with turned, hood shadowing his face. Guan Shan felt himself falter.

Behind the stranger, She Li raised a hand. Hey, friend.

Guan Shan started walking at the same time the guy did, steady steps that he knew must have looked too cautious, moving like he wanted to put his back to a wall. A handful of paces and they were going to collide.

Four, three, two—

The guy veered right. His shoulder brushed Guan Shan’s. Guan Shan only saw a shadow, caught a familiar scent that he couldn’t place, lost in seconds.

Guan Shan didn’t stop, or look back. Something had settled low in his stomach.

When he stopped in front of She Li, She Li said, ‘You’ve been avoiding me since we graduated.’

‘Who was that?’

A flash of white teeth, stretched into a smile. ‘An old friend. Sends his regards.’

Guan Shan ran his knuckles along his jawline, stubble grazing his skin. ‘Yeah, he seemed real polite.’

‘It’s an off day for him,’ She Li replied, shrugging. ‘Saw some things he didn’t expect to, probably. Don’t mind him.’

Guan Shan watched him the way one would watch a snake that was eager to strike. Would it be the jugular? Guan Shan remembered that smile. No, probably the femoral. She Li had a thing for details. A flair for entertainment. Guan Shan remembered liking that about him once—maybe once admiring. She Li saw things in a way that he didn’t.

And then, after a time, Guan Shan realised that everyone saw things in a way that he didn’t, and that no one saw things in the way that he did, because he was different too. The realisation came eventually: She Li’s brand of uniqueness wasn’t something to be admired.

‘You’ve been avoiding me,’ She Li said again.

‘I’ve been busy,’ Guan Shan muttered. He shoved his hands in his pockets. ‘I got a job. You know how it is.’

She Li considered him. ‘You’re still hanging on for him, aren’t you?’

‘Huh?’

‘Don’t play dumb. It doesn’t suit you. You know what I’m talking about.’

Guan Shan looked away. He did. Didn’t mean he wanted to talk about it. Did he have a choice with She Li? He used to think no. And then He Tian had paved a way for him with his fists and a cut to his palm and a blade at his throat.

The problem was that having someone to fight his battles meant Guan Shan was vulnerable the second they left; he hadn’t set up those defences himself. Guan Shan was down to the pawns on his chess board. Maybe a rook, if he was lucky.

‘I haven’t been… well,’ Guan Shan said. ‘I’ve been useless to you.’

‘Use?’ She Li repeated. ‘That’s low. I’m not allowed to see my friends unless I want something?’

Guan Shan, silent, gave him an even look. After a moment, She Li laughed.

‘Fair enough,’ he said, eyes eerily bright. ‘I won’t play dumb either. Doesn’t suit me, I’m sure.’

‘Sure,’ said Guan Shan. He ran his gaze across the surroundings: the group of teens on the grass verges, phones glowing, cigarette smoke drifting skyward; late-night runners wiping away sweat with a forearm; the slow roll of cars passing the park gates. He couldn’t see any of She Li’s usual friends. He wondered where they were watching from. ‘If you knew that I was–if you knew I wasn’t around, why d’you still want me?’

‘Everyone has a use, Guan Shan.’

‘You mean everyone has something you can exploit.’

She Li laughed again. ‘Fuck, someone’s feeling bitter tonight, aren’t they?’

‘I’m tired. I start early. I don’t want to be here.’

The amusement faded. ‘Yes, alright, let’s not waste both our times.’ She Li stood from the bench, a too-fluid movement, and stepped forward. It was a test of instinct, of will, not to take an answering step back.

‘What are you doing?’ Guan Shan muttered. She Li’s face was inches from his own.

‘What do you think?’ She Li replied. He dragged finger and thumb along the hem of Guan Shan’s t-shirt. ‘I’ve missed you.’

Guan Shan’s face screwed up. He bit the inside of his cheek. ‘Don’t play this shit with me.’

She Li gazed at him, low-lidded, amber eyes whorling beneath dark lashes. ‘You haven’t missed me?’ he said. ‘How things used to be between us?’

‘How was that?’ Guan Shan said. ‘Where you set me up and nearly got me expelled? That kind of thing?’

‘God, you are bitter tonight,’ She Li teased. ‘Dust off the cobwebs, Guan Shan. Why bother dredging up the old past when we can have now?’

Guan Shan let his eyes roam She Li’s face, sharper and stronger than it used to be. He wasn’t bad looking. They both knew that. But Guan Shan wasn’t dealing with a face: he was dealing with a mind, and he needed something more surface than that. Something more open, and real. Something tangible. He needed darker eyes and slow smiles and desire plain and heavy between them. It was almost funny that he could associate He Tian with something like certainty now. Like security.

‘You don’t like me,’ Guan Shan said. ‘We both know you’ve got a thing for pretty blonds with pale skin.’

She Li’s lips twitched. Something flashed in his eyes. Dangerous territory, Guan Shan thought. And then: I don’t give a fuck.

‘I’d still fuck you,’ She Li said. ‘You’d still like it.’

‘No, I wouldn’t.’

She Li made a pleased ‘hmm’ sound. ‘Want to test the theory?’

‘It’s not a fucking theory,’ Guan Shan said through gritted teeth.

She Li sighed. After a minute, he stepped away, and it was like there was space to breathe. Like the air had grown a little cleaner with the distance, less likely to jar in Guan Shan’s throat and choke him.

‘Fine,’ She Li said. ‘But you know I’ll give you what you need if you want it.’

‘I don’t want it. And I don’t know what you’ll ask for.’

‘For once: nothing. A favour for a friend in need.’

Guan Shan considered that for a brief moment. If he’d said yes, how long would that transaction stay just a favour? How long, after Guan Shan cleaned between his thighs and She Li drank the vodka from the minibar, would it take for She Li to mention the rest of the terms and conditions? The ones that had never been mentioned, and She Li would say that Guan Shan should have just known about?

‘No,’ Guan Shan said, readying himself to leave. ‘I don’t need anything. Was this all you wanted? ‘Cause I’ve got shit to do.’

‘Almost,’ said She Li, stepping forward—and then his mouth slammed against Guan Shan’s like a viper’s strike.

It happened fast and brutala tongue wound with his, a sharp taste in his mouth, something metal, cool fingers through the cropped strands of his hair, invasive and filthy and painful—and then Guan Shan was stumbling backwards, hand pressed over his mouth in defence, wounded.

‘You fuck,’ he rasped. ‘You fucking—You cunt, you—’

His voice was shaking too much; he had to stop. The violation was too familiar. Nothing and everything had been the same.

His eyes burned. His pulse was hammering under his skin. She Li was watching him. Guan Shan wanted to break his teeth.

‘Oh, sorry. I forgot you didn’t like it when people did that.’

‘Go fuck yourself.’

He wouldn’t get more than a few punches in, he knew. Rage like this only ever carried him so far. She Li would have knives somewhere.

She Li said, ‘I already offered.’ He pulled a face. ‘Twice in one night’s a little bit desperate, even for me.’

Guan Shan stared at him, wide-eyed. He didn’t drop his hand. He could taste blood in his mouth, sharp and coppery.

His or mine? And then: What’s the difference?

He wasn’t really aware when She Li left. Vaguely, he felt the squeeze of his shoulder, rings pressing into his skin, body gone cold now despite the warm night. His lips, dry and cracked, didn’t feel like his own.

His fingers were wet when he pulled them away from his mouth, eyes stinging, salt bleeding into the broken skin of his lips. Just like his dad. He pulled in slow breaths, pinched the skin at his waist like he’d been winded with a fist in his gut. The feeling was the same: a desperate drag of air into his lungs, sharp pain on the inhale, a slow ache starting to bloom.

It was just a fucking kiss, he thought, some rational part of his mind trying to scream at him to calm the fuck down. Not even that. You know what it’s like to be kissed properly.

And then an explosion: memory crawling through the walls of his brain, shooting like gunfire, kisses stolen from the corners of his mouth, lips full and swollen between his, a nose digging into the juncture of his hips, hot cigarette breath over the column of his throat, a tongue burning across his wrists. He remembered every touch dragged across his skin like creeping ivy, like wisteria, like the slow roll of a storm cloud. Knew what it was like to be kissed properly.

But the desperate realisation shuddered through him still, jagged and awful, nausea spilling over: if it had been He Tian for She Li, a second time unwilling, their ruined first kiss on repeat, Guan Shan knew he would have let him.

next >

[heybinnie]

i dunno if anyone watches steven universe but i gotta dump sth here

steven universe au

some context

there is Homeworld, located in space, where gems are made and are from

the three-ish people who lead Homeworld are called the Diamonds

every other gem kinda worships them and has to follow their every order

thousands of years ago, Homeworld set out to make Earth like this place to experiment making gems and shit and basically just rekt Earth for their own use

which is BAD

so basically the Diamonds suck

so Rose Quartz, right, shes a gem from Homeworld who saw Earth as a beautiful place and something worth saving

she believed that all life on earth is beautiful

SO she betrayed her own home to protect her new home, that is Earth

she started a rebellion called the Crystal Gems

whoever joined her had to remember that they could be killed, and if they won, they couldnt go back to Homeworld and have to stay on Earth

so they went to war with Homeworld called the Gem War and they won!!!!!

but the Crystal Gems lost a lot of their members

until there was only Rose, Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl left

Rose (Whos a gEm REMEMBER) she falls in love with a human

Rose gets pregnant!!!

BUT

their baby and her cant exist at the same time

so rose has to give up her physical form so that her baby can live

which means

her baby will be half human half gem, and will thus have her gem

so her baby lives, but without his mom

thats steven

and bc she led the rebellion, steven has to ‘deal’ with everything his mom left behind

which is a lot of stuff

about where Steven lives!!

he lives alone in this house, but its like connected to the Temple where the Crystal Gems live, so in a sense its basically just a big house with a huge weird basement so they all kinda live together idk how to explain this

lives on the beach!!! its so cute i love the place

THE CRYSTAL GEMS!!!

sanha is steven (*starts crying*)

his rose quartz gem is on his chest, over his heart

has never met his mom

so never really knew the love of a mother but it never really ~occurred~ to him until she becomes really important

I CANT TeLL YOU HOW EMOTIONALLY DRAINING IT WOULD BE TO BE STEVEN OK

so anyway sanha is a sweetheart

also is musically talented in every way

likes to sing random songs out of nowhere

likes to mess with his ‘guardians’ a lot aka the rest of the crystal gems

but they all have a soft spot for him no matter how much he messes up

he always does his best bro

and its so cute bc hes just the baby brother and hes surrounded by a bunch of hundreds or thousands of years old gems lmao

sometimes hes left alone at home when the rest of the crystal gems go on missions too dangerous for him

and when his dad is busy

hes alone at home

and its really quiet and the painting of his mother hangs on top of their front door, and sanha gets really lonely and just cries sometimes

so when rocky comes over his chest always fills up with warmth and relief

to sanha, his family is everything

also adorable. absolutely adorable no one can say no to his face tbh

jinjin is garnet??

hes created the exact same way garnet was

his gems are in the same places--both palms

jinjin loves the concept of love in general

bc hes literally made out of love

like legit

hes a fusion: a sapphire and ruby who werent supposed to but fell in love, and gems do this thing where when theyre really emotionally bonded and stuff theyd fuse? which is like. thats a lot of trust for each other ykno

so jinjins a fusion

people look down on fusions bc theyre usually thought to only be useful to like fight but jinjin exists because of love

YOU FEEL ME

and jinjin honestly doesnt care about what people think of him bc he exists

but he feels very strongly for fusions!!

hes also considered the ‘strongest’ because hes a fusion

also the de facto leader of the crystal gems

always calm and level headed but occasionally likes to crack a joke

everyone loves him

jinjin is jinjin in the sense that he is always kind and likes to make sanha laugh

soft spot for sanha

sanha trusts him a LOT

often looks to him for advice, when something goes wrong, for safety and warmth and protection

eunwoo is pearl

he hides his gem beneath his bangs?? bc hes embarrassed :’)

pearls are considered only useful as ‘accessories’ and servants to the Diamonds

gems from Homeworld think of pearls as the ‘lowest’ gems

but this boy learns to love and be confident of himself come FIGHT ME

no one owns eunwoo man he’s his own gem

hes really super duper smart

sometimes he and jinjin fight bc he sees things more logically>? while jinjin acts more on intuition and stuff?

mj makes fun of eunwoo sometimes bc he doesnt know how to have fun? but then right after mj helps him so thats kinda cute

but also eunwoo berates mj a lot bc 

well its mj

also chides sanha a lot when he doesnt keep the house in order

often helps to clean up

anyway hes considered the ‘closest’ to Rose Quartz bc hed been fighting by her side the longest

so he misses her a lot but eunwoo doesnt blame sanha for any of it; he loves sanha all the same

but then bin THE LION comes into the picture and eunwoo gets this weird but warm, familiar sense of comfort from bin, something he remembers feeling around Rose when she was still around, so he likes to hang with bin a lot

even if bin the lion likes to lie on his face and whap him in the face with his tail and leave fur everywhere

anyway

mj is amethyst

but like....hes an amber

his gem is on hiS BACK between his shoulderblades

the history of amethyst: amethysts are ‘made’ on earth, theyre made mostly to be soldiers and fight for homeworld

somewhere above pearls on the hierarchy i guess

theyre made in the Kindergarten, where there are these holes in the walls where the gems would come out of

at some point mj’s kindergarten kind of became like a ‘bad place’ and every gem that grew out of there were like parasites

so that Kindergarten was abandoned

and mj, the hole he came out of, his hole was smaller than everyone else’s

he came out smaller than everyone else

he was considered a ‘defect’ and weaker than the others

anyway bc the place was abandoned and he had nowhere to go since no one wanted him, mj just stuck around alone by himself for hundreds of years

until Rose came along (when she was still alive of course) and offered him to join the Crystal Gems

and Rose taught him love and how he was worth fighting for and he mattered and that he wasnt a defect, not a parasite, that he deserved love and to be loved and to love others and

im emo

ANYWAY

MJ IS MJ hes the mood maker and always makes sanha smile whenever sanha is feeling down

hes kinda like the glue that keeps the gems together

loves to have fun

but he gets really uncomfortable whenever the topic of the other ambers or the Kindergarten is brought up like hes super insecure of where hes from

he tries to smile it off tho but he really just doesnt like talking about it

protecc mj

ROCKY!! IS CONNIE!!!!!!!!!

SANHA’S HUMAN BEST FRIEND

who sanha really pours his heart out to!!!

and rocky as rocky doesnt give him shit ykno but he real talks sanha

a lot

rocky also doesnt care that sanha is half gem and half human; like doesnt care and just likes him for him

sticks around through thick and thin and hell and highwater

believes in sanha, holds a lot of faith in him

but hes still your Rocky Swag

always listens to sanha whenever he needs someone to talk to

actually likes to hear about all his adventures with the other Crystal Gems

likes to touch and poke and prod at Sanha’s gem too

like he’d sometimes kinda just pull down on sanha’s collar just so he could look at his rose quartz gem sparkle in the sun and its so pretty he kinda wished he was a gem

anyway eventually he starts to really worry for sanha and wants to fight the bad guys with him, doesnt wanna be protected all the time

so rocky learns to fight

from jinjin

and rocky becomes especially good in combat and stuff and learns how to use some weapons from eunwoo (specialises in weapons) 

honestly rocky is a gem like hes a GIFT

sanha’s so thankful for him

but he also feels really bad bc he feels like hes pulling rocky into his own mess and putting him in danger

but rocky doesnt care he just wants to be by sanha’s side and help him wherever he can and support him all the way through

im emo

rocky also holds sanha quietly when he cries about his mom

which starts to get more and more often

bin....is lion......................................................

LMAO

basically Lion is this uh lion that Sanha found one day when they went on a mission, and Lion is all pink and stuff and followed him around and all the way back home too

the Crystal Gems were unsure about keeping him but sanha thought it was HELLA COOL to have a pet lion and they all eventually lost to His Baby Face

no one can ever say no to that face

anyway bin is called Lion bc sanha has no originality with names so there

anyway

bin is actually a gem

he specialises in shapeshifting? so when rose was still around he was in lion form a lot

hes a cATS EYE QUARTZ

BUT HIS GEM waS cracked in the middle of the gem war

and usually when a gem’s gem is cracked they start to get real weird until the crack gets bigger and bigger and eventually it shatters which means they die

but when rose was alive she healed him but could only do it like halfway? like it was a rushed job so he was stuck as a lion during that war

and then when that was over he was kinda left behind bc rose thought she’d lost everyone already

idk bro

so basically bin’s been stuck as a lion for TOO LONG until sanha found him

but sanha doesnt knoW hes a gem bc bin’s gem is hidden so far beneath is goddam thicc mane so no one ever knew

also my friends who may not know

Steven’s Lion is pink

this means binnie will have pink hair and skin imagine that

and he kinda kneels to sanha (even as lion)

I CANT EXPLAIN THIS U JUST GOTTA KNOW HE KNEELS AND BOWS HIS HEAD

#respect

but also maintains that whole im-older-than-you-respect-me-u-brat vibe

ANYWAY

bin the LION comes along on one of the Crystal Gems’ missions with sanha

aND HE GETS REALLY HURT

ALMOST DIES KINDA HURT

his gem cracks and his form starts to get real weird, changing between lion and other animals and shit

SANHA STARTS CRYING

“Lion????”

sanha cries A LOT, buries his face into bin’s mane and stuff and it soaks right frickin thru

his teaRS HEALED BIN’S GEM

BIN COMES BACK

AS HIS ACTUAL FORM

hes naked

everyone screams

[yoosungshoodie]

RFA + V + Saeran reactions to an MC who's worried about her eyesight because her glasses are already really thick and she's scared that she'll go blind or something one day?? because my degree is already 700 and I'm just a teenager... sometimes I cry at night because there's literally no way to decrease it and I feel like my only option would be to get surgery??

i’m hugging u. jus kno that.

Yoosung

he’d be pretty understanding with your concerns, he was pretty anxious too when he had to wear glasses and the state of his eye was undetermined

such a dork he’d probably be all “i like you with glasses anyways” whenever being concerned about thick glasses, he finds it really cute if anything and is constantly reassuring of that especially if you’re insecure about it

if there was any crying business over glasses he’d be so quick to scoop you up and reassure you that it would be fine and that no matter what happened he’d still be there for you, and that going blind was probably not going to happen.

crying over eyesight!!! never!!! yoosung always likes to remind that if he could recover from almost losing his own eye that you won’t lose your eyesight either

if you really wanted to get surgery i think he’d do a lot to try and help like keeping extra money aside to lessen the blow cost of the surgery 

he’d try really hard to calm your fears about going blind, he’s not the greatest at being emotionally supportive and he’s pretty smol but he tries hard to go the extra mile and talk about how he would never lose his favorite LOLOL partner 

Jaehee

she likes reminding you that the probability of that happening is extensively slim and isn’t likely to happen

there’s not a single doubt in her mind where she would help pay for surgery if you needed it and besides working for jumin han has racked her up a lot of extra cash that she never really used

expect cupcakes if you’re ever in tears about your eyesight, she’d probably let you rest your head in her lap and play with your hair and let you cry it out before making a batch of cupcakes to ease the pain a little… she knows she can’t control your eyesight but she sure wishes she could.

helps clean your glasses for you and keeps them in tip top prime condition, and she’s not always able to fend off the tears for you 

when she can she’s always reminding you how beautiful you are and how technology is advancing every single day and that everything should be fine, even if she had to calculate the probabilities herself

makes a lot of carrot stuff to at least attempt to help? she’d at least do some kind fo research about what foods help improve eyeight and it’s not confirmed but it’s worth a shot to her anyways

Zen

“i’d never let you go blind, who else is going to cheer for me at every performance?” 

zen is pretty handsy so the moment the waterworks come out he’s got you clutched to his chest and running his hands up and down your back and wiping your tears with his thumbs to comfort you, no matter what he’s intent on sticking with you

he loves you so much that it pains him to see you so worried about eyesight and worrying to where it affects your mood and he’d try so hard to distract you and bring you out to do things that are soothing and relaxing

he always suggests productive things like getting your eyes checked regularly and getting consultings and he always reminds you that he’d have no reason to act if his #1 fan isn’t there and jokes he’d give up acting if you ever went blind

he’s got the most reassuring bright smile whenever you’ve got worries, if he can read it on you he’ll always go out of his way to be around you even if he’s busy. he’ll call you, text, e-mail if he must. he just wants you happy.

Jumin

would honestly offer to just pay for your eye surgery. he doesn’t think it’s an issue that he can’t solve with money.

but once it affects you to tears he’s very quick to act, pulling you onto his lap and wiping away tears with his kerchief and probably just being an awkward dad about it at first until it’s verbally addressed (jumin’s intuition of human emotion isn’t amazing but he’s trying) 

underestimating the toll it had on you, he’s probably much more nicer about the topic instead of the dismissive “well if you need the surgery i’ll have jaehee schedule an appointment and we can go from there” over pancakes in the morning

instead he’s more likely to check in and ask about how you feel about it often, whether it be over dinner or a walk in the park he starts doing so because it’s something you’re actually quite worried about

“that won’t do, you must have your sight so you can marvel at elizabeth the third’s beauty” thanks jumin.... really...

he’s joking thought we hope and he’ll be quite reassuring to the fact that he’s going to let you choose what you want to do and whatever happens he’ll pay the bill for it as long as you’re comfortable and happy and most important admiring elizabeth the third in his arms. 

Saeyoung

“ha, you? go blind? as if. if it calls for it, i’ll make you some glasses myself.” so we’ve got memeking edgelord genius over here laughing while you’re crying in some loving way 

he’s telling you to not be silly, if he can make a robot cat that spits fire then he can probably make you glasses to accommodate for your vision as well.

you crying is a crime and he’s not the best at consolation either next to jumin, but he sure knows how to make you laugh! and he’ll be twirling his hands in your hair and feeding you honey buddha chips and telling you to stop worrying and that everything will be fine, if it helps his eyesight is pretty bad too from all that sitting and staring into a computer for 99% of his day 

“glasses are cooler anyways, c’mon don’t be so sad. i think you look weird without your glasses anyways” gee, thanks.......,,,,,,,,, comforting.....

honestly you end up being more supportive of him because this fucker never leaves the house so you both end up taking walks together because he’s gonna surpass you on the bad eyesight scale once it really comes to it if this keeps up, firecrotch leave the house once in a while k

V

well he’s legally blind so. he’s like. wayy ahead of you. but i mean of course he doesn’t bring this up

is super supportive for you to get surgery, do what he can’t anymore! more than anything what he wants is you to be happy and that’ll make him happy, he’ll always be lightly suggesting of you to get surgery if you feel so inclined to and he already knows a couple good doctors thanks to jumin

crying is a no no for him he’s going to be so quick to wipe away your tears with his cardigan sleeves and kiss your eyes and tell you that you’re perfect no matter how you turn out, no matter what happens you’ll never be alone and he’ll never leave you and that you shouldn’t be worried about such a silly thing when everyone in the rfa is going to help you figure it out

he doesn’t want you to feel alone in this or doesn’t want you to suffer because of something you can’t control and he cannot stand it when you cry, he’ll dedicate all of himself to make sure that you’re happy and if not happy at least under the impression that no one will ever leave you and that you’ll turn out okay.

there’s a lot of uncertainty, he knows this first hand so he’s very adamant about you addressing your every single concern and venting to him and will always remind you that

Saeran

at first is like lmao why are you being such a baby about this you are not going to go blind that’s not rational

but once he sees you crying he is a Puddle and is positively shook into being all sweet and soft (or well attempting to be) and asks why you’re crying

he’s really confused about all the fuss but he starts to understand because something crucial to you is being taken away without your control. it takes him a while but he softens to it and even though he doesn’t have amazing bedside manners and is really blunt and sometimes a little rude he cares

he does try though, make no mistake. it’s just not as straightforward as other people. when you cry he’ll always just wordlessly hand you snacks afterwards or a box of tissues and he may let you be but it’s mostly because he’s not quite sure how to really handle sadness with other people when he can’t even take it himself. 

[sudsybear]

A cry for help

Breaking Us in Two

 Don't you feel like trying something new

Don't you feel like breaking out

Or breaking us in two

You don't do the things that I do

You want to do things I can't do

Always something breaking us in two

You and I could never live alone

But don't you feel like breaking out

Just one day on your own

Why does what I'm saying hurt you

I didn't say that we were through

Always something breaking us in two

They say two hearts should beat as one for us

We'll fight it out to see it through

I say that won't be too much fun for us

Though it's oh so nice to get advice

It's oh so hard to do

Could we be much closer if we tried

We could stay at home and stare

Into each other's eyes

Maybe we could last an hour

Maybe then we'd see right through

Always something breaking us in two

    11-3-85

Sunday Night, After

Much work

 Deer SoozinX!

           Hi! Um BokX. Dew Yew no me?

You were funnyx on the phone ‘cause you don’t like what you’ve been doing to me or something like that. I wishes dat you was here. Looks like my trip to Chicago is going to go through. I hope so – I need a break. U2 is a really cool band. I talkxed to Steeeve tonight, and John Wall, though the P-i-n-t-o was never mentioned.

Why is it that all of a sudden my life turns so social after being so socially void for 10 weeks? I expect that I will meet a lot of cool people in Chicago. Ya’ know – I think Barry was the only person that I though was a DICK at the UofR. Everybody else was really cool. You have a nice place to be going to school. Random Random. Yes, this is all one paragraph. Weirdness factor on a downswing lately, possibly the result of some social activity. Dave and I are getting to be real good friends. Macintoshes are fuckin’ awesome and I want one for Christmas. So are compact disc players. Time for some Pink Floyd. Don’t worry, I’m not going to make out with Joni or Andrea. I’m an attatched man and going to be that way for a while. Though to be completely honest, I would like to meet more people. And I have had thoughts about “playing the field” as Liz would say. But that is something that I think about and talk to you first about. I hope you would do the same for me. I’m sure you would. Sometimes things look really bleak for us. Sometimes they look really good. Right now, I’m just confused as to what I want. I wish I knew what love meant. Sometimes I feel absolutely no emotion toward anyone. Positive or negative. And sometimes, I think I don’t have any emotions. And sometimes I like that. It means I’m not vulnerable. Yes I know this is a strange letter, jam-packed with interesting tid-bits. I was really weird the week after you left. I’ll tell you about it sometime. Sometimes I wish you weren’t so life-commitment oriented. I can’t think that far ahead. I think it’s really cool that we are going out now, and not going out with anyone else, but it’s not working that well. I mean, it doesn’t suck, but our phone conversations are not, as a rule, all that happy. I’ve got to start using the Nautilus pretty soon. Twilight. I can’t find my face.

But when we’re together, things seem pretty cool. Except for sometimes. My life is going in so many directions. I can’t wait to go to college again. I want to get away from home. Tiredness. Goin’ sleep.

 Mon Morn.

           Sorry this isn’t longer. I write more soon. Must go to class and mail this…

Love

Ross

 P.S. I hope you are feeling well-er.

  Something happened. I don’t recall exactly. Perhaps a phone conversation didn’t go well. Maybe when I called Ross was in the middle of something and couldn’t be bothered. Our timing was off – really off. I lost my temper. REALLY lost my temper. Slammed the phone down, my face ugly with rage. Some women are beautiful when they cry. I’m terribly unattractive, the skin of my chin dimples horribly, my nose runs, my face grimaces in a most unpleasant scowl.

 “I need to see you, Ross. So screw it, dammit. I’m coming home.”

  I slammed the door to my dorm room. I slammed the door to the hallway. Twice. The first time wasn’t satisfying enough – the door bounced back with attitude, so I slammed it again. That second one knocked the door out of the frame, though I didn’t know it at the time.

 Stephen Paul was in 6124’s and heard the noise. He was on his way over to investigate when I intercepted him. I snarled, “Will you take me to the airport?” He looked at me, wide-eyed, as though I’d grown a second head. Having known me just a couple of months, he had never seen my temper really flare. I think he was afraid to refuse, “Um, Sure. I guess. What time?”

 “I’ll let you know.”

 I retreated to our suite, opened the yellow pages to “airline reservations” and dialed the phone. I called several airlines and asked for flight information. There was a flight that afternoon. I gave them my credit card number and bought a ticket. That arrangement made, I hung up the phone and started packing.

 Within an hour, Stephen Paul drove me to the airport – he didn’t even park, just dropped me off at the front entrance. “Thanks, Steve. I owe you one.” I’ll see you soon, Ross. We can get this all straightened out.

 I hurt so much inside, and no one is helping me. Ross, I need you to help me. Will you? Can I come home and be with you and you’ll take care of me? We’ll take care of each other and spend our lives together? I’ll go to college – I can do this. I just need you with me. Where are you going to college? What are your plans? I need a hug, I need your touch, I need you!  Without you I will fall completely apart.

 By the time I got on the airplane, I had calmed down. I was physically exhausted from my outburst, and terrified at what my parents would think - the money to buy the ticket, the missed classes, the homework and reading not done. What a waste of money. Nervous and scared, it was done. Nothing to change about it now. I’d have to live with the consequences.

 The plane landed in Cincinnati. I got off the plane with my backpack, walked to the terminal and retrieved my suitcase, I called Ross’ house. No answer. Now what to do? I called home.

 “Mom?”

 “Yes?”

 “Can you come get me? I’m at the airport.”

 Mom drove the 40 minutes across town to pick me up. As we drove home she was full of questions I didn’t want to answer. She was concerned for my well-being, but distracted because of her own schedule. My presence didn’t fit into her plans. I just wanted Ross.

 Mom left for work early in the morning. Dad was out of town, again. I slept late, showered, dressed and poured my bowl of cereal, staring at the box as I ate. I got in the Pinto and drove to Ross’ house. Parked in the back, his car wasn’t there. Oh well, I’d surprise him. I walked in through the garage, up the basement steps, and … LOCKED! What the hell?

 I knocked, I yelled. I decided no one was home. I cried. I waited. I had nowhere else to go, nothing else to do. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, but was actually only about an hour or so, Ross arrived home from his morning classes. He must have seen the car in the driveway, and so could not have been completely surprised to see me sitting on the stairs waiting for him. Even so, my presence was unexpected.

 We hugged awkwardly on the stairs. I was angry, hurt, confused and devastated. Nothing was going right. My tears flowed freely, my nose stopped up, my face scrunched none-too-prettily as I bawled. Ross retrieved his key, unlocked the door and we climbed the stairs up to his room. He set his backpack down, and we hugged and talked and I calmed down. I needed not to talk, but to just be. No homework, no reading, no responsibility, no new people in my life, just Ross. Familiar, comfortable, loving, patient, Ross who could make me laugh in the midst of the most horrendous despair. I wanted to just be. And so we were for a few hours.

 Eventually reality intruded. Hunger pangs needed to be calmed, parents had to be informed and consulted. Clearly, I was not adjusting well to life at Rochester. And yet, what were my options? Stay home? And do what? That was a lot of money my parents had paid, couldn’t I at least salvage the semester? I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t know how to stay. Reason won over passion, I was fed more platitudes, and I got on the plane and flew back to Rochester. I should have gotten a one-way ticket, what was I thinking?

 Stephen Paul picked me up at the airport, and I went back to classes.

 Postmark 14 Nov. 1985  Cincinnati, OH

 Dear Soozin,

           I hope that the remainder of your stay was pleasant at home. Driving up was interesting…I was very tired. I stopped at McDonald’s several times for some caffiene  - is that how you spell it? (Coke). Seeing you before I left was really nice. I’m sorry, I still think I was obnoxious on Tuesday.

           The university of Chicago is a really impressive place. I stayed with John Thursday night, then on Friday we walked around campus. The library is “fuckin’ awesome, man.” Supposedly, it’s the largest of any education institution in the world.

           Steve and I have been getting along really well. He and his girlfriend, and John and his old girlfriend, and I went to a Blues club called the checkerboard lounge last night. Some of the best muzik I have ever heard. The place was really interesting – smack in the middle of Chicago’s South Side. A mean-ass neighborhood, at best. Makes over-the-rhine look like suburbia.

           Chicago Pizza is really good. TONS of cheese. Takes 45 minutes to make ‘cause the cheese is so thick.

           I felt like a fifth wheel last night, for a little bit.

           Today I go record shopping, maybe to visit DePaul, and then to Sarah’s. Well, I’ll write again later. Till then, I hope you are feeling better about school. Query:  Are you coming home next semester, or are you going to stick it out, or have you decided? C-U-Soon.

 Love,

Ross

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