#it becomes a lot akjdsjkdjk | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ohsweetflips · 10 days ago

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somewhere on this blog there is a post that goes something like "what if i just start identifying as nonbinary and don't tell anyone and still go by she/her" and that needs to be marked as the day that pandora's box opened

#ik it's my blog etc etc etc but i do try to not sad post often anymore just bc after a while #it becomes a lot akjdsjkdjk #however. this is also the closest i have to an unfiltered diary. so!#idk man ik (im pretty sure) rapid onset dysphoria is a thing or something but like #edit: the most rudimentary of google searches show that this may or may not actually be what i mean but like. 20% effort went into that #the magnitude of bad i have felt in the past week is kinda wild to me #like ive been feeling stuff softly like that for a while now w/ an increase come september #for like. reasons that ik but also reasons that dont necessarily matter rn #but it's like. less a realization and more so steps of becoming more comfortable/feeling more secure #but in that security i essentially run into a brick wall #like i joke abt whatever post i made years ago but it's like #lowk this feels like what i was worried abt this happening LMAO #like this idea of things kinda actualizing in my mind for me #but the actual capability of what i can do feeling limited #like. i have no clue what transitioning would/could necessarily look like for me #but it's starting to feel very much like: whatever it is won't happen #which ik is like. bad queer mindset 1 #and then i am falling to bad queer mindset 2 of like. feeling bad that this took so long #and that i didnt put together stuff. or try more. earlier.#and that i've now like. run out of time. which ik is not true so like.#the self-awareness is here! i'm also just stubborn lmao #and like idk currently i'm just in the hell of not wanting to do the middle stuff #i just want to wake up one morning and be different AKJDFKJFDKJFD #anyways! i swear im not actively trying to spiral like every day this week #just my mental constitution is weak and susceptible to demons. and also anxiety and sadness LMAO #and as me and my roommate say. it's never too early for the guilt spiral.#also the pandora's box technically opened when i was like 15 but.#we put a lid on that and then everything came back worse when i was like. idk 19/20.

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