#it’s not like I’m craving food or restricting myself

[prozach27]

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[scarybabe]

So, are you losing weight because of any health issues or just because you want to? Not hating or anything. I'm just curious

Btw loving your booty! I really wanna see more... please

neither!! I never wanted to lose weight AND I don’t have any health issues (besides gerd) - my natural set point has always been much, much lower than the weight I gained to. Naturally hovered around 120-130 pretty much my whole adult life WHILE doing huge stuffings, because I wasn’t eating like that daily it never affected my size.

That’s pretty close to my physique when I’m eating whatever and not trying to manipulate my weight at all.

I was only able to break into the high 200’s - 300 with extreme eating, not only quantity but only as calorically dense foods as possible and my nutrition pretty bad. Gaining to 200 was honestly pretty easy because before my recent weight gain my metabolism had slowed down a LOT from restrictive eating, I was around 97-105 before my newest gain. My metabolism sped back up by the time 200 lbs because I was eating so much more, and my gain slowed back down. Took me until December of 2021 to get to the 230’s. In this pic I’m around 235 I think.

After I hit 300, I wanted to let my body rest and listen to my cravings for vegetables, meat, etc. and drink WATER 😆 I deadass drank NO WATER while I was gaining because “it had no calories so it was a waste of stomach space” 💀 I still treat myself, but I listen to my body and I don’t ever force myself to eat food that makes me feel sluggish, nauseous or sick in any way.

I’ve gained a little since my BBL but because I used to be so big and have muscle mass now, I carry it differently than when I first entered this weight range (low end of 200’s).

I think the 230’s looked great on me but I know if I ever want to gain again it will NEVER be enough for people, because even gaining 200+ pounds wasn’t enough so a mere 10-20 lbs won’t matter. So I’m just riding the wave, focusing on healing from my surgery & building physically and spiritually healthy habits so when am well enough to make 🌽 again I can be the best creator that I can be.

PS: I do have loads of post surgery vlogs, updates and pics on my OF - it’s more educational than horny but you can tip $5 to request it all be sent to ya if you have that morbid curiosity

My belly in the above picture is just the size it is now!

[sadstrever]

suddenly i’ve forgotten how to restrict.

so tell me why it’s so fucking easy for me to literally never eat (except for the fact that i feel like i’m dying) but the minute i start eating again it’s so hard to stop? i haven’t eaten ANYTHING in like 3 months and now i’m on vacation and i’m eating EVERYTHING. i just can’t stop. i keep taking food and bringing it to the bathroom to chew and spit to get rid of the craving but then i just end up eating it. what is wrong with me? and then my family thinks i haven’t eaten all day cuz i’ve just been binging in the bathroom for NO REASON and now they’re making me eat yet another meal. i’ve been thinking about recovery a lot recently and now it’s COMPLETELY off the table because if recovery looks like me binging and then having the worst stomach pain of my life i don’t want it. when i get home i can easily promise that i won’t eat for at least the next few months. i’ve been taking laxatives everyday of this vacation(7 days) and i’m so scared that it won’t be enough for me to keep the weight off. currently i’m working out in the bathroom praying that i won’t get fat. i just got underweight the day before vacation i am not going to let cookies and ice cream ruin it.

for the next(4 days) that im on vacation this is my plan:

no matter WHAT: NO MORE SUGAR AT ALL, all it does is make me binge cuz it’s so fucking addictive and i haven’t had real sugar in soooooo long and it’s so good but NO MORE

workout in the bathroom every morning and night while i shower

walk at least 40 laps around the house without anyone noticing im trying to burn calories

that’s rlly it whatever. give me tips not to binge when ur in extreme starvation pls! i want to KEEP being in extreme starvation and i can’t keep myself locked in the bathroom the rest of the night.

[squishhhh]

Day 3: 195.8. I have a walking pad which I adore but I’m getting a mini stepper. I am so excited. Today I felt very giddy, I noticed whenever I start restricting my groceries mainly consist of pretty much all drinks lol. I’m thinking of working out 4-5 times a week. I don’t want to over-exert myself, I work in healthcare so I’m running all day. I also know if I over-exert myself I will start to crave bad food. I want this to be sustainable again. I crave the control I had, the discipline, the focus on myself. I know this is sick but I never feel like I care for myself more than when I’m restricting. Why is it I feel any amount of love from myself only when it involves hurting myself? ✨✨

[blushcoloreddreams]

My favorite ways to relax after exam season

1. A long shower / bath - after a few days of late nights because of studying, worrying about the tests themselves or both I crave the hot water on my body. This is the moment I go all out, use my favorite soaps, body scrubs, shampoo, hair mask and sometimes even a nice candle too and then treating myself to a good lotion, perfume and pretty pajamas after a long week or two this feels almost magical. Maybe it’s just in my head but I really feel like I cleansed myself of all the stress and I feel a thousand times lighter without the weight on my shoulders.

2. Getting myself a little treat - you don’t need to break the bank for it, no just getting some nice food (I personally have 0 energy to cook something nice after that) and something small like a new book or a new hair accessories is enough to reward yourself for your hard work

3. Do a longer call with my friends - During these times it’s normal that our priorities are not on socializing and moments with family and friends become more rushed. I love to call them just to talk about little things in life and another day (as I said before, I’m usually exhausted after so usually I’d rather stay home with cozy blankets and go after another day)

4. Clean my apartment - a clean house brings me peace of mind, a deep clean after a long week brings a sense of renewal just like the first item. If you feel super tired it’s okay, you don’t need to do it right after. Sometimes the first thing that I do is clean the table that has an array of study materials over it and then I’ll start cleaning up gradually for the next days or I’ll take one or two to just rest and then do a deep clean.

5. Start a new book - it is a great feeling to be able to do the things you love (reading or not) without the feeling of something really important you´ll need to get back soon quickly and i feel the days i get to have a more relaxed routine as the perfect opportunity to open a book and encounter a new adventure or learn about something i have been curious for a while

6. Trying out a new recipe - I specially love cooking when i don´t have a restricted time to be in the kitchen and i can go beyond my staple meals. It´s not about taking forever or being lazy, no it´s about being able to explore something new and possibly more time consuming without rush. Taking time to explore new ingredients will always bring me joy either baking some treats or having a delicious homecooked meal the flavors and the little pride in making something good (specially when you share it with your loved ones) is unmatched

7. Take some extra time to take care myself - I think most of us heard Rory Gilmore’s “who cares if I’m pretty if I fail my finals” before but long term thinking like this is not sustainable. Yes, i´m not going to do my most elaborate makeup, hair treatment or spend hours at the gym during this week (that is different than letting yourself look completely unpresentable) but being happy with what we see in the mirror is really important for our selfesteem and how we present to each other. So one of the things i like to do the following days is getting my eyebrows threaded, my nails done and exercising more often

8. Going to church - time with God will always bring me peace of mind and remind myself of what really matters in this world. Take this opportunity to thank him for the blessings and opportunities you have

[king-wilhelm]

//Tw disordered eating//

Everytime I eat something without demonizing it, everytime I use food as a tool to improve my health and not as a weapon that destroys it, everytime I eat bread or a cookie or a cheese omelette without feeling guilty about it, everytime I reinforce the idea that carbs and fats are necessary for my body, everytime I stop myself from restricting a craving knowing it’ll only lead to a binge later, everytime I look at food as fuel and not as reward or punishment, i piss my mother off a little bit more.

Like yeah, I’m trying to recover from horrible binge eating and I’m trying to fix my relationship with food and I’m still trying to lose the weight caused by my dopamine chase binges and I’m doing all of it to feel stronger and be able to treat my body with the kindness that my mother never did, that I never did.

BUT, watching my mom get irrationally angry because I eat when I feel hungry and don’t think butter is the devil? Unparalleled feeling. 10/10. Seethe and cope.

[almondmlkbtch]

Also when im not restricting im way better at observing my behaviors & adjusting accordingly

1200 cals is great bc instead of tracking i just think to myself ok that is

3x 300 cal meals

2x 100 cal snacks

That’s a shit ton of food !!!!!^ like that truly is enough for me to satisfy whatever cravings. If I want something I can make the low cal version. And if I notice I’m craving more i look at my macros and see what I’m deficient in.

Usually I’m also only super hungry for one meal so for the others i can chill and eat less ,, have room to enjoy a matcha or small special treat. Nd I just love the routine of this like waking up & knowing I get to start my day w a meal that I fuck w it gives me the confidence to eat smart & healthy for the rest of the day

Sigh ..

I will update how this wk goes but going to try to obsess less so I don’t overthink & sabotage

:))

[superbattrash]

Sigh

Nearly had a panic attack trying to eat lunch at my parents’ house because I’ve become so accustomed to weighing my food so I can track it properly and I put food on my plate as I usually would but I couldn’t fucking eat it because I didn’t know how much any of it was???

I know how insane and unhealthy it sounds but right now I crave the control of knowing how much I’m eating. I’m not restricting anything or not eating (not really part of my ED lol) but I know tracking calories can be bad too, don’t get me wrong. But this is what I need to do to not feel like utter shit and start binging at any minor inconvenience and I nearly fucking panicked?? Because of lunch???

I had to go get my mom’s kitchen weight because my sister saw me freeze and start panicking and told me to “just go get it, it’s fine, nobody will judge you” and they didn’t but (they did mock me though which.. great) GOOD LORD…

I need to lose weight (I know, I know, but I’m ranting here) to be able to get top surgery (and also I am in pain from the extra weight I’ve gained) so this is important to me but I’ve never actually frozen like that before. I’ve felt guilty and all that other shit but I couldn’t physically make myself start eating, it felt so wrong

Is this gonna be an issue forever? No, because I’ll be going out this weekend and I won’t track as religiously but I just… needed to tell someone that it fucking sucks. BED is a real ass eating disorder, okay, and it SUCKS…

GAH… it’s clearly the fucking stress triggering me but Cnnskcjajd ARGH. Can’t wait to have ice cream for dinner, alone in my own home

[recoverywithgh0ul]

-home for lost thoughts-

Things that helped my recovery, and things that definitely didn’t. Obviously recovery is a very personal experience, and things that work for others, may not work for you, and vice versa. I’m just sharing what works for me, so maybe people can either see a different perspective, relate, or find inspiration. General TW for this whole post it will touch on uncensored topics such as calorie counting apps, weight checking, and fear foods. If that’s a lot for you, I’d suggest you skip this post, but i wish you well in your recovery <3

I’m going to start off with the things that absolutely did not help, and if anything, sent me into a complete spiral. Why? Gotta start somewhere, and it’s best always to end on a good note~

———————————————————-

Weight checks- I feel like this is probably a no brainer, but these are probably the worst for me. Even if it was good news it was the eventual “when will i ruin it?” Thought, which would giving up, and lead to a binge, and the whole cycle. Looking back, to avoid this, just shifting my perspective to not going to the all or nothing place honestly would’ve helped a lot. Which is what I’m working on now thankfully :>

Free eating- as I’ve mentioned a lot, i don’t understand what a healthy portion looks like, i was never taught. So going into adulthood like that, really negatively impacted me because when i wanted to get healthy even when i tried i still had no idea what i was doing. Something has countered this, but it’ll be in the next section.

Calorie counter apps- never helped me, they’ve always encouraged obsessive behavior, and also caused shame, especially if i had gone over a few calories. I can see the appeal, but for me- they’ve always done more harm than good.

Feeling like i can’t have certain foods because I’ll lose control- this in the long run as never helped, because then these foods feel forbidden, and when i finally allow myself them- I’ll eat them until I’m sick, but if I incorporate them into a healthy diet, I’ve noticed i actually crave them less. So I’m slowly regaining back my control. And so can you~

Those are the main ones for me. Let’s end this on a good note, and move onto the positive :>

—————————————————————-

Portion plates- it might sound silly or restrictive, but the really do help me, especially if I’m feeling a craving to clean my plate, there’s only so much metaphorical ‘damage’ i can do. For me it works, for everyone, it definitely will not. You should always do what works for you and your body~

Adding in foods I’m craving in moderation, or making healthier dupes- so, just like it says, craving chips? Have a bit, just add something to it. Like some cucumber and hummus, or carrots and cottage cheese. Want cookies? Eat it with some Greek yogurt and fruit. (All suggestions not medical advice) you can have what you’re craving just add something with some bulk so it fills you up~ so you’re satisfying a craving, but also feeling satiated.

Combating limiting beliefs with positive self talk- instead of punishing myself for having a bad thought, or getting mad I’m not ‘fully healed’ trying to practice patience, and self positivity and give myself that mental comfort to heal myself like i know I’m worthy of. Seeking outside validation can only help to a point, because if even you don’t believe it, it’s not going to benefit you. Recovery is a journey healing not only your relationship with food, but your relationship with yourself. And you deserve to finally be healed~

Therapy or coaching sessions- again self explanatory, but super beneficial, especially when you feel hopeless and can’t do it alone. Sometimes even finding resources online, like quick videos on YouTube just to understand things more, or to gain insight or advice. For me personally, the more i understand something, the easier it is for me to tackle it. There are so many great food therapists on instagram especially that share such great advice, that i urge you just to watch a few reels. Help is attainable, i promise it’s not impossible.

That’s all i can really think of for this post, as always, good luck on your journey! Remember you are worth it <3 until next time~

[angelst4rv]

Day 15

Weight: 60.7kg

It’s day 1 of week 3, and halfway through my 30 skinny slays!! I’m almost at gw1 :) Due to some weakness, I will possibly be changing the way I do my workouts.

I have a few days off of work so I’m worried it’ll be harder to get my steps in especially since I’m literally so lazy right now. I’m not worried about food, getting those steps in tho!! But I will update

I’m feeling like shit because I’m really going through it right now. I just have no motivation to workout and to go for walks. I just feel so drained and depressed right now. I think I’m gonna take a break from forcing myself to exercise and see how it goes, I’ll still restrict and walk everywhere whenever I can but hopefully I don’t gain any weight or if I do it’s just a little meaning my body is adjusting and it goes back down. It’s scary doing this right when I’m so close to reaching my gw1 but we’ll see. I also wanna try to quit vaping since it is expensive and I don’t wanna be reliant on it but the first day I couldn’t smoke because I was buying a new one the cravings really hit. But I need to be brave. This is a journey and there’s ups and downs. So as long as I don’t give up I should be fine!!

Meals

- Breakfast: two rice cakes (70 cals) with peanut butter (90 cals) and cold brew (0 cals) - 160 cals

- Dinner: 5 piece chicken nuggets (270 cals) and two rice cakes with cream cheese, turkey, and honey (200 cals) - 470 cals

- Snack 1: diet coke - 0 cals

2 large waters: ✔︎

Total cals: a million. I binged 😀👍

[angelic-high]

My header image on my profile is cake. I don’t even rlly like cake, I’m not vv fond of sweet shit. But as my ED got worse during my high school period of time I LOVED eating sweet shit, I craved it all the time. Which is probably due to my body trying to eat something to gain energy, but anyway. These last few days I haven’t been eating right (I started my period). It’s not even big ass meals it’s snacks n junk. my bfs family bought home cake from a party n as a cake connoisseur THEY BROUGHT THE GOOD SHIT. It’s a two layer vanilla cake except the FROSTING isn’t that overly sweet whipped cream shit that isn’t that great after being in the fridge, no no no no, it’s THE best fucking frosting ever. The kind of cake n frosting that lasts days in the fridge, and the frosting doesn’t get all liquidy or hard, but a nice creamy but not overstimulating texture.

I am absolutely FUCKED.

I need to fast or restrict JUST SOMETHING. I’ve been eating so bad I’m getting gross with myself, I’ve been eating so much any kind of food is unappealing all I want is fucking water, but I still keep eating out of boredom. (and bc there’s CAKE)

So I’m thinking I do a liquid fast during school, n then eat cake after. I don’t know yet, I’m not gonna just eat cake only obviously bc I don’t wanna go bald again, so I’ll eat foods with nutrients I need, but overall I need a restart rlly bad. I had a dream though that I lost my ass so I need to keep up with that as well.

Also I got a stye n it’s so fucking bad half my eyelid is closed so no makeup is gonna help. And I have to go to school with it, AMD I HAVE A PRESENTATION THIS WEEEEEK. Wish me luck y’all 🫡

[amphetaminedreamer]

tips & tricks to ward off cravings when restricting. 🌸

FASTS

drink lots of water and take vitamins if you can, often times your body will crave certain micronutrients that can initiate cravings for other things (chips, fries, burger, etc). make sure you’re supplementing these for healthier options when you’re not fasting so you can see more results

think outside the box, let’s say you’re anemic (like many of us who have chronic ED’s) and are rlly craving a burger or thinking of breaking your fast. CHEW ICE!!! it can be such a lifesaver

depending on how you determine your fasts, drink tea!! if you’re craving something sweet use the tiniest amount of stevia (remember if you go past a certain threshold your body will begin to produce insulin and no longer be considered to be “fasting”

if your electrolytes are low do something abt it!!! i love vitamin water 0, seaweed, and rice cakes, for emergencies. remember anything under 50 cals does not break a fast, make sure that there are 10 or less grams of carbs in it tho

track your fasts down to the minute!! from your exact last bite of food set a clock for your fast, i like to use the Zero app. it helps hold me accountable and encourages me to keep going

find distractions, read a book, talk to a friend, watch tv, go on a walk!

RESTRICTING

back to my first point abt cravings. this is basically my cheat code

if i notice myself craving anything fatty, (burger, pizza, cheese) i opt for healthy fats. my go to is salmon, walnuts, almonds, and olives

for craving salty foods, (chips, fries, etc) I like to opt for roasted seaweed or broccoli.a

and for sweet cravings i’ll reach for a cup of warm tea w/ stevia. i usually like ginger tea bc it debloats very well!

pre plan your meals! know exactly what you plan to eat that day and hold yourself to it! i usually pre plan the sunday of a week or each morning or evening so that i’m making sure i’m getting what my body needs

work out more! once i started exercising it helped me to really understand how many calories i was eating. 1 protein bar becomes one run, an extra scoop of ice cream is a pilates session etc.

you can double check calories if you’re paranoid abt them when logging

every 1g of carbs has 4 cals

1g protein = 4 cals

1g fat = 9 cals

diligently track your calories if that’s something you do, we’ve all binged and been afraid to log calories after, log them anyways. it’s motivation to not do it again

weighing yourself before and after meals can encourage you to eat less

when preparing for a meal drink 12 oz of water first, then eat all vegetables first, then lean proteins, then carbs/ fats, you’ll be able to eat less that way and might not even finish your meal

hope this helps!

[noonebutalone]

TW: talk about food/food restrictions

I’ve come to realize (for me at least) that OMAD are better and less stress inducing.

I literally started counting calories and broke a fast mid week

I started over today but like I did nothing but eat what I wanted and now I’m having heartburn and feel like throwing up….

I don’t eat or drink anything sugary I almost did this morning. It makes it harder to stay in a fast and cravings start.

I dehydrate myself as much as possible cuz to me I won’t be bloated/have water weight and my body will start consuming what I ate or my fat

I don’t remember mentioning this but I just give myself an hour to eat.

For two good reasons

• I’m the only one capable for my job area

• The faster I eat the fuller I’ll feel and I’ll be done quicker

I weighted myself yesterday 229.6 lbs…..

[somanyscarsonmyskin]

incoherent thoughts

07/07/2023

I’ve gone completely numb. Discomfort and frustration. Lonely. Still feel like a fraud. Maybe it’s all performative. It must be. Nothing that bad ever happened to me to justify such a reaction. I’m overly dramatic. Why do I feel like I need to have something wrong with me? Maybe I just want to be a special little snowflake like the rest of my generation. Numb. Everything feels flat. I wish my tummy was also flat. Restrict. Restrict. Restrict. Restrict. Don’t break the habit. I’m not even restricting enough. I just want to grab a knife and drag it through my arms and thighs. But I promised I wouldn’t, so I won’t. Or maybe I’ve become too cowardly to do it again. Maybe I was never actually brave enough. Other people’s scars look better. They last longer. There’s more of them. They go deeper. I want to be that beautiful. Beautifully sick. Sickly beautiful. Maybe I’m just going crazy. Hope my therapist doesn’t get too concerned; I’m not actually sick anyway. This must all be fake. There’s no reason for it. I’m just too high maintenance for anyone to give me enough attention. I’m just too competitive not to get on the mentally ill train with the rest of the people I know. They have actual problems though. They deserve a spot on the train. I should just be under it. Under it with all the other normies. With the neurotypicals, and the ones that didn’t have it that bad. The ones that are just overreacting to minor inconveniences. The ones that are not on meds. The ones that just have the blues sometimes. The ones that never needed to be in the hospital. Or under observation. The train is for the ones that had actually narcissistic parents, that got beaten up in school, that cut deeper, that tried to end it, that get the help when they look “off” because off for them means an actual crisis, not just looking slightly sad or distracted. It’s for the ones that actually got to that goal weight and ended up scaring everyone around them. I want to look like a ghost. I want to be repulsed by food instead of craving it so much. I want my clothes to fall off me. I want my nails to be blue, my lips dry, my jawline sharp, my hipbones to create that nice little gap between my tummy and my underwear, and my legs to not touch. I want to count my ribs without lifting my arms. I want bruises all over my body. I want. I want. I want. I’m so greedy… I’m too lazy to even have an ED. I think about running until I collapse. I never actually do it. I give in to food when it gets difficult to stay consistent. Maybe I just don’t hate myself enough. Maybe I haven’t gotten to that point yet. Definitely, I’m not sick enough. Definitely, I’m not mentally ill enough. Definitely, I’m not sick at all. For sure I’m just faking it. Otherwise, I’d just do it. I’d just fucking do it. I would have done it. I’d bear the evidence on my fucking body. My scars would be beautiful. Too deep to fade. My bones would be exposed. People would think I’m about to die of consumption like a Victorian child. I’d look ethereal. Otherworldly. I don’t want to see anyone anymore. Social interactions drain me. Even seeing L. has become too much. Taking care of D. has become too much. It’s triggering. It makes me feel invalidated. It reminds me that no one listens to my advice or anything I have to say, really. In turn, I’m draining K. myself. He gets triggered by my self-punishing behaviour, he feels like his efforts are pointless. I’m just too exhausted to keep up the good girlfriend act. My libido is the lowest it’s ever been since we got together. I used sex to punish myself today and to feel something. Anything. And I triggered him, cause he sees right through me. It's not fair to use him to hurt myself. But I can’t hurt myself in other ways. I want to smoke until my lungs burn. I want to put out each cigarette on my arm. I want to cut. I want to run until I collapse. I can’t do any of that. He would know. He would be upset. He would be disappointed and betrayed. He would feel powerless. I can’t get out of bed. I just stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep. I just want to sleep.

[t0wardthesun]

My Body and Me; a Love Story.

There was a time when I thought I would never write this post. The battle against my body seemed to be the one mountain I would never climb. I would go around in circles, coming up against the same obstacles; bingeing, emotional eating, restrictive dieting and hating what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I honestly thought it was something I would struggle with for the rest of my life. I think every woman knows this journey, some have walked the path before, others are waiting to begin - each of us up against years of conditioning, programming and subconscious messaging designed to keep us small (literally). This is the story of how I took my power back, went from self loathing to self love and healed my relationship with food and my body.

It’s Australia Day, 2008. My sister and I are riding our bikes around the small town we grew up in, jumping in and out of the crystal clear water wherever we can find the space. The path along the creek is teeming with families and kids our age walking around drinking UDL’s and cans of Smirnoff. Despite already being self conscious about my fifteen year old body, I’m feeling particularly brave wearing just a pair of shorts and my bikini top.

As we climb out of the water and mount our bikes to head home, a guy a few years older than me walks passed with his girlfriend. He looks me up and down and slurs, “Yeah, keep riding,” with a smirk on his face. His girlfriend slaps him playfully, looking back over her shoulder to mouth an apology, but it’s too late. My stomach drops, my world crumbles. Everything I ever feared about myself is true. I'm not attractive, I'm not desirable, I’m not worthy and I’m not enough.

I scroll pro-ana blogs and experiment to see how long I can go without food. I practice putting two fingers down my throat, trying to dredge up the shame I swallowed with that second chocolate brownie. I lament to my mother about the size and softness of my stomach, she shows me which ab exercises reduce belly fat.

My breasts grow almost overnight and suddenly I’m the subject of gossip and the butt of jokes. Relatives and strangers comment on my changing shape, as though my body is public domain to be deliberated. I learn that my body is not my own. I walk into the kitchen after dinner out with friends, “You can’t possibly still be hungry.” I learn that my bodies signals can’t be trusted.

I hold myself up against billboards and pictures on the internet and they all tell me one thing; shrink. Shrink and you will be beautiful, and before anything else, beautiful is what you should aspire to be. I stand in front of the mirror and pinch, suck, poke and prod. I squeeze a tape measure around every inch of skin, using the numbers to define how much I’m worth that week. I hide in the pantry, looking for something to fill me. My mind blanks as I reach for packets and jars, a brief reprieve before the guilt kicks in and I berate myself ceaselessly for a lack of self control.

I’m desperate to be noticed. I crave being seen. I take photos on my phone and send them to boys. When I’m drowning in a sea of insecurity, their shallow compliments keep me afloat.

I grew up believing that “big” was the worst thing a person could be. Worse than being mean, selfish or boring, it was the ultimate failure. The subconscious messaging I received was that being skinny was synonymous with being happy. That having the perfect body somehow made you immune to sadness or other negative emotions. Like, how bad could things possibly get if you looked amazing in a bikini? If you were thin then people paid attention to you; boys wanted to be with you and other girls wanted to be like you. To be thin, was to be beautiful - and to be beautiful was to be adored, cherished, loved. Life was an endless exodus away from fatness and toward thinness.

You can imagine the war that started internally when my e-cup boobs came in overnight. Dance costumes had to be altered, bras and bikinis had to be special ordered and I was constantly asking for a bigger size in change rooms. The changes in my body sparked a downward spiral in my self esteem. In my mind, with every kilo I gained I was becoming less important; my ideas less valid, personality less loveable and my dreams less achievable.

By the time I was sixteen, my body was a tool I used to validate my dwindling sense of self worth. I used it when it suited me, to get attention and validation from guys. The more I was willing to show of it and the more I was willing to do with it, the more approval I got. It made me feel powerful. I traded recognition for respect and mistook attention for love. The rest of the time I either berated it with criticism or ignored it completely.

For most of my teens and early twenties, I felt like a floating head walking around completely disconnected from my body. I didn’t identify as my body, it felt like an annoying attachment that kept betraying me by not doing what I wanted it to do or looking the way I wanted it to look. I hated how easily I could be brought down or carried away by the emotions that arose inside me; a wave of insecurity that would leave me hiding under the covers for days, a flash of anger that always left a wake of destruction in its path. It was too risky and far too painful living in my body, so I checked out. For almost a decade, I didn’t look down in the shower and I couldn’t touch my stomach without a wave of nausea flooding through me. I dreaded walking past mirrors or shop fronts and I used to yell at my mum for taking photos of me when I wasn’t looking.

By the time I left home at eighteen, it became apparent that in addition to my negative body image, I had also developed a pretty damaging relationship with food. Food was my anchor and my security blanket. When everything else in my life was uncertain, I could always count on the jar of peanut butter in the fridge. I would use food to suppress negative emotions; discomfort, anxiety, boredom. Even positive emotions - excitement, joy, happiness - were always accompanied by something to eat. It was as though I couldn’t bare to feel anything fully, so I sought a way to dull the experience.

I would spend hours researching different diets and exercise programs, getting confused and overwhelmed by the mass of conflicting information. Was yoghurt good for me, or bad? Should I be eating carbs with every meal or cut them out altogether? Should I be vegetarian, vegan, paleo or #sugarfree? Is running 5k’s burning fat or telling my body to hold on? I would walk around the grocery store with tears in my eyes, totally overwhelmed by all the choices and torn between what I wanted so desperately and what I thought I should be eating.

“Compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation, and when we can't stand it any longer, we binge.”

- Geneen Roth, Women, Food and God

Before I even knew what it was, bingeing was a regular part of my life. If had a bad day, a fight with my parents or an assignment due, bingeing offered an incredibly effective distraction. There was no thought or awareness, I would stand at the fridge and put whatever was on the shelf into my mouth. Because I refused to have anything unhealthy in the house, bingeing usually meant raiding my housemates cupboards for whatever had the highest sugar or fat content; four slices of toast with tablespoons of honey, two wraps, half a packet of biscuits and coconut oil straight from the jar. It wasn’t until after I had consumed the entire contents of my kitchen that the guilt kicked in. I felt totally helpless and completely out of control.

The promise of a diet is not only that you will have a different body; it is that in having a different body, you will have a different life. 

In 2013, I lost nine kilos leading up to my twenty first birthday. I was eating broccoli with chicken or tinned tuna for every almost meal and smashing myself in the gym 5-7 times a week. Everything in my life revolved around getting the numbers on the scale to drop. I kept a food diary on my phone and wrote down everything that passed my lips and at the end of the day I’d give myself a rating based on how ‘well’ I’d done. A smiley face meant it was a good day, an angry face meant I better try harder tomorrow.

I would measure and weigh myself in the morning and my mood for the entire day, and how I treated myself, depended on what I saw on the scale. I was obsessed with #fitspo blogs and instagram accounts and would spend hours drooling over photos of girls lifting weights or posing effortlessly in bikinis. I would deprive myself all week and have a ‘cheat day’ on the week end, which usually meant buying a block of chocolate on the way home from the gym and making myself sick by finishing off the whole thing in one sitting. A few weeks before my birthday I started taking OxyElite and would happily pop four a day - made me shake and pee constantly - completely ignoring the liver failure warning on the label.

But even when I was at my skinniest, my anxiety didn’t fade and I wasn’t any happier. I still had bad days and moments when I felt unworthy and insecure, and I was so preoccupied maintaining my new weight, I didn’t have time to focus on anything else or enjoy my life. As soon as my birthday was over and I didn’t have a goal to work towards, the weight came back and the battle raged on.

As I watched women my mums age berate themselves for eating an extra slice of cake, apologise for taking up too much space and obsess over their physical ‘flaws’, I started to think maybe this was just part of life as a woman. I hated the idea of passing my insecurities on to my future daughter, but I couldn’t see a way to break the cycle.

So I started working with coaches, and read and listened to every intuitive eating, eating psychology and body positive book, blog post and podcast I could get my hands on. There wasn’t one pivotal moment, but a series of small but deeply significant revelations that helped me improve my relationship with food and lead me back to my physical body…

1. I got angry.

When I discovered the extent to which mainstream media tries to keep us small - literally - as a form of disempowerment, I got angry. By making thinness the ideal and celebrating women who shrink, we get the message that we are not allowed to take up space, a subconscious belief that ingrains itself in our collective psyche. It’s the same belief that stops us from speaking up when we are being taken advantage of, it stops us demanding more from partners who mistreat us, and it stops us creating epic shit and sharing our unique gifts with the world.

As I continued pulling back the veil to expose the corporate agenda behind our BS beauty standards, it got easier to rally against my own inner critic because I knew they were both just trying to stop me wielding the full force of my power as a conscious woman. A woman confident in her own skin is no longer an obedient consumer, she no longer drains her time, energy and resources trying to “fix herself”. She shows up fully as her authentic self. She is a force to be reckoned with.

2. I focused on my strengths.

That insta-famous bikini model posting photos of herself looking toned and tanned in various exotic locations? Yes, she could have done a lot of editing/had surgery/spend thousands on a celebrity trainer, but you know what? Some girls really look like that - and that’s amazing! Go them! You have your own set of unique gifts and God-given talents that are exactly what you need to enact your purpose on this earth, and they might not have anything to do with how you look. Say it with me now, “I was not born to be an instagram model.” (Unless you were, then carry on your merry way). Being trapped in jealousy or comparison usually means we aren’t fully embracing our Genius. Ask yourself, ‘What am I really good at? What do I LOVE?’ then go do that.

BODY IMAGE CHALLENGE: Take a look at the people you follow on social media. Do they make you feel more confident, or less? If you feel ‘icky’ every time you scroll through instagram, it might be time to do a social media cleanse and get rid of any accounts that don’t inspire you to feel good about yourself.

3. I shifted my perspective from the external to the internal.

My journey this year has been letting go of the belief that people will only listen to what I have to say if they like the package it comes in. As women, we are taught from such a young age that beauty equals success, and for so long I was hung up on this idea that in order for my thoughts, opinions or ideas to be taken seriously, I would need to measure up to societies standards of beauty. That belief kept me from showing up fully in my business and in my life. Bullshit!

How many of us are held back from the work we are meant to do and the joy we are meant to experience because of our obsession with living up to someone else’s idea of beauty? How many of us delay happiness and postpone joy, waiting until after we’ve lost the weight or dropped a dress size, to be active participants in sucking the marrow out of our lives?  

These days, I’m focusing less on impressing people with my looks and more on empowering them with my energy. I realised I would so much rather invest my time cultivating compassion, sharpening my intellect and developing the kind of inner radiance that inspires people than forcing my body to take on a shape that isn’t natural for me.

I get that some people absolutely love pushing their body to see how far it can go, but when I think about how much effort it took to maintain my ‘goal weight’, I can honestly say - for me, and my standards - it’s just not worth it. As with anything in life, you have to ask yourself, do you want it because that’s the experience your Soul is longing to have, or because everyone tells you that’s what you should want? Is it your dream or someone else’s?

BODY IMAGE CHALLENGE: Start a creative project that you can work on in your spare time. It could be a collection of short stories, a sketch pad full of drawings or a line of your own handmade clutches. Passion projects are good for the soul and you never know where they might lead ;) 

4. I let go of my obsession with losing weight.

After nearly a decade of trying to get smaller, the thought of giving up scared the shit out of me. I clung to diets because they gave me a purpose, losing weight made me feel accomplished. It was easier to write a meal plan than it was to map out a plan for my future. And it was easier trying to change my body than it was to change the world.

I also thought that if I wasn’t following a strict eating and exercise ‘plan’, I would completely lose control and binge until I was the size of a house. And for a while, I did go a little crazy. I had to rebuild the trust between me and my body. I needed to prove that I was sticking to my word this time and I wasn’t going to deprive it any more.

But when I stopped labelling foods as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and started giving myself unconditional permission to eat whatever I wanted, eating an entire block of chocolate lost its appeal. I could have it, so I didn’t want it. If I did end up over eating, I quickly forgave myself and moved on. No judgement, criticism or shame, just unconditional acceptance. I quickly learnt that most of the time I didn’t actually want the chocolate, I wanted the way it made me feel; worthy, deserving, full.

Instead of using food to suppress my emotions, I wanted to tap into my bodies natural wisdom. I started by opening up the lines of communication. I wrote her letters in my journal, apologising for all the times I had ignored her, made her sick and used her to satisfy my ego desires. I promised to take care of her, trust her and always ask her what she needed. I spoke to her like I would my best friend or little sister. Much to my delight, she started talking back.

I’m sorry.

I know.

I love you.

I love you too.

Today, my relationship with my body feels like rekindling a romance with a long lost lover; we’re both still marvelling at all the things we can do together, getting excited about what this means for our future and falling more in love with each other every day. Like any great relationship, ours is based on trust, communication and mutual respect. I speak kind words to my body, I don’t make her do things she doesn’t want to do, and I trust that she knows what she needs in any given moment. Sometimes that means making a big fat pasta dish, sometimes it means stopping when there’s still food left on the plate. I still apologise if I drink too much wine and wake up with a hangover. She forgives me and we go and do something to make us feel amazing again.

Exercise doesn’t feel like a chore, it’s a way to expend all the beautiful energy that runs through my body. I don’t slog it out at the gym to burn calories or punish myself for overeating, I move in ways that feel good. Lifting weights makes me feel powerful, dancing makes me feel sexy as hell. My body is an incredible vehicle I have been given to fully engage in this earthly experience, and I love it regardless of its shape or size.

I know this is an ongoing process - as my body changes, I will need to continue practicing self love and some times are going to be harder than others, but never again will I let insecurity hold me back (for too long). 

The beauty standards set by society will continue to change, but I reserve the right to decide what’s beautiful to me, and my definition of beauty is all encompassing - there is room for everyone. I am so excited to see - in our lifetime - a generation of women liberated from the shackles of self loathing, free to share their unique gifts with the world and I am so grateful for the women before me who have publicly embraced their bodies at every size.

Wherever you are on the journey, may these words guide your way home.

Do not be afraid to take up space. Consciously expand until your presence rivals galaxies. Should your body say anything about Who You Are, let it say nothing of willpower or self-control, let it tell the story of your curiosity, your bravery, your compassion. Should you seek to be less of anything, may you be less worried about making yourself look acceptable.

May the only picture of your progress be the feeling of expansion in your Spirit. When you go looking for validation or your sense of Self, may you go only to the Source of all Love that lives inside of you. 

May you appreciate your body as the temporary home your soul chose to inhabit. May you honor her sovereignty and listen to her wisdom. May you praise her in public and pleasure her in private.

When you look at your body may you see our mother earth incarnate; in every crevice and fault line, in the veins that run like rivers, in all the mountains and valleys that ripple across your skin. 

And when the time comes for you to leave, may it be with gratitude as the veil is lifted and the joy of returning to the infinite oneness from which you came... can no longer be contained.

Jae x

If you are looking for more on this topic, check out the recommended resources below. I also run a weekly circle called ‘Love the Skin You’re In’ and I’d love to have you along. (If you’re based in SE Qld / Northern NSW, check it out here > https://www.eventbrite.com.au/e/love-the-skin-youre-in-tickets-626697347637)

Recommended Resources

Embrace the documentary - https://bodyimagemovement.com/embrace-the-documentary/

The Well-Fed Woman - www.rachelwcole.com/blog

Poodle Science - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H89QQfXtc-k

I Didn’t Wake up Like this - https://www.buzzfeed.com/sonamkapoor/i-didnt-wake-up-like-this?utm_term=.clmdDBLaw#.kboeY8g6O

10 Principles of Intuitive Eating - http://www.intuitiveeating.com/content/10-principles-intuitive-eating

Psychology of Eating Podcast - http://psychologyofeating.com/podcasts/

Lauren Beckett, Body Love Coach - http://dropthestruggle.com/

[risenwraith]

#90 Food plan?

Walking back from my shot at the hospital I met Blanket Boy at the end of my road. (Blanket Boy is an awesome dude I like to chat with and to whom I once gave a blanket when he was cold.)

When I had to get home 'cos I hadn't eaten, he said, “Vegetables, yeah?” I said yeah, ‘cos I like vegetables. “Huh, you all veggies an’ vegan, yeah...”

“What?”

“I mean, girl," he gestured and grinned, "you look - you look like - sure yeah?”

Huh. I’d never been told I looked vegan before – that was new. At which point I had to reassure Blanket Boy of my love of proper bacon sandwiches and old school English pork pies.

I mean, I get it. By Island Standards I am unhealthily pale and thin and have a weird accent and multicoloured hair/wigs and am sort of uptight and insane. Nutty white girl = Vegan. I see the logic.

Having said all that... ALL I really want to eat is broccoli, rice and soy sauce. (This is not to say I can’t eat rich, fatty, sugary things – I still can, my diet hasn’t been restricted by treatment so far.)

If I could write a meal plan for myself it would be filled will blanched or sautéed vegetables with a big handful of peanuts or sesame seeds, steamed fresh rice, and a sploosh of shoyu.

I have no idea if it’s the nutritional content I’m craving, or the solid flavour profile, or the umami/salt aspect or what. I just really fucking crave plain stir-fry veg and rice with a side of miso soup.

(Dear neurons, just to remind you, whilst you are currently bald, that doesn’t actually make you a Buddhist monk…)