#it’s not like I’m craving food or restricting myself

[lolalagoon]

Just wanna say wow, you're blog is totally what I needed. I was in ana like in 2018, used to weight like 55kg and now I'm on 67... yeah. Needing some harsh motivation. HARSH. My therapist told me not to go back to ana but it is soooo much comfort being here. And I want to be skinny. Gosh I've wanted that for more time that I can remember. I deserve this shit.

So please, I NEED to get back on track. Any help for me to loose like 10kg by Christmas? I wanna look hotter than ever, no more double chin, no more anything.

Also, your Samantha pfp is bursting the whole vibe, I love it. Gotta continue Sex and the City. Kisses from Brazil 💓🎀

first of all thank you for liking my blog!! i love satc it’s such a comfort show of mine haha. it makes me so happy to hear others like my content and can relate :,)

my biggest advice for wl will always be omad tbh! after i started eating all my cals just in one meal it made restricting SO much easier. you can eat literally anything you want as long as it fits within your budget!!

i also think fasting has its benefits, but if you know you can’t go for very long before binging, then omad still works great! it’s just the more you do the faster to lose weight, for example i like to do 24hr fasts kinda regularly which is fine for me, but i would need to prepare before a 72hr fast by eating 600 cals of my fav foods, just to ignore cravings during it lol

i’m a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to this one, but walking will do wonders! just start with 20-30mins a day, you could break it up into two 15 mins or whatever you like! and work your way up to what’s best for you, i don’t walk as much as i should, nor worry about reaching a step count of over 10k lol when i’m highly restricting, overworking myself makes me end up binging because my mind tells me “i deserve it”

thank you for your questions i hope i helped any!! don’t be shy to dm me if you want any other specific advice, and good luck on your wl! 🩷

[prozach27]

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[blushcoloreddreams]

My favorite ways to relax after exam season

1. A long shower / bath - after a few days of late nights because of studying, worrying about the tests themselves or both I crave the hot water on my body. This is the moment I go all out, use my favorite soaps, body scrubs, shampoo, hair mask and sometimes even a nice candle too and then treating myself to a good lotion, perfume and pretty pajamas after a long week or two this feels almost magical. Maybe it’s just in my head but I really feel like I cleansed myself of all the stress and I feel a thousand times lighter without the weight on my shoulders.

2. Getting myself a little treat - you don’t need to break the bank for it, no just getting some nice food (I personally have 0 energy to cook something nice after that) and something small like a new book or a new hair accessories is enough to reward yourself for your hard work

3. Do a longer call with my friends - During these times it’s normal that our priorities are not on socializing and moments with family and friends become more rushed. I love to call them just to talk about little things in life and another day (as I said before, I’m usually exhausted after so usually I’d rather stay home with cozy blankets and go after another day)

4. Clean my apartment - a clean house brings me peace of mind, a deep clean after a long week brings a sense of renewal just like the first item. If you feel super tired it’s okay, you don’t need to do it right after. Sometimes the first thing that I do is clean the table that has an array of study materials over it and then I’ll start cleaning up gradually for the next days or I’ll take one or two to just rest and then do a deep clean.

5. Start a new book - it is a great feeling to be able to do the things you love (reading or not) without the feeling of something really important you´ll need to get back soon quickly and i feel the days i get to have a more relaxed routine as the perfect opportunity to open a book and encounter a new adventure or learn about something i have been curious for a while

6. Trying out a new recipe - I specially love cooking when i don´t have a restricted time to be in the kitchen and i can go beyond my staple meals. It´s not about taking forever or being lazy, no it´s about being able to explore something new and possibly more time consuming without rush. Taking time to explore new ingredients will always bring me joy either baking some treats or having a delicious homecooked meal the flavors and the little pride in making something good (specially when you share it with your loved ones) is unmatched

7. Take some extra time to take care myself - I think most of us heard Rory Gilmore’s “who cares if I’m pretty if I fail my finals” before but long term thinking like this is not sustainable. Yes, i´m not going to do my most elaborate makeup, hair treatment or spend hours at the gym during this week (that is different than letting yourself look completely unpresentable) but being happy with what we see in the mirror is really important for our selfesteem and how we present to each other. So one of the things i like to do the following days is getting my eyebrows threaded, my nails done and exercising more often

8. Going to church - time with God will always bring me peace of mind and remind myself of what really matters in this world. Take this opportunity to thank him for the blessings and opportunities you have

[king-wilhelm]

//Tw disordered eating//

Everytime I eat something without demonizing it, everytime I use food as a tool to improve my health and not as a weapon that destroys it, everytime I eat bread or a cookie or a cheese omelette without feeling guilty about it, everytime I reinforce the idea that carbs and fats are necessary for my body, everytime I stop myself from restricting a craving knowing it’ll only lead to a binge later, everytime I look at food as fuel and not as reward or punishment, i piss my mother off a little bit more.

Like yeah, I’m trying to recover from horrible binge eating and I’m trying to fix my relationship with food and I’m still trying to lose the weight caused by my dopamine chase binges and I’m doing all of it to feel stronger and be able to treat my body with the kindness that my mother never did, that I never did.

BUT, watching my mom get irrationally angry because I eat when I feel hungry and don’t think butter is the devil? Unparalleled feeling. 10/10. Seethe and cope.

[almondmlkbtch]

Also when im not restricting im way better at observing my behaviors & adjusting accordingly

1200 cals is great bc instead of tracking i just think to myself ok that is

3x 300 cal meals

2x 100 cal snacks

That’s a shit ton of food !!!!!^ like that truly is enough for me to satisfy whatever cravings. If I want something I can make the low cal version. And if I notice I’m craving more i look at my macros and see what I’m deficient in.

Usually I’m also only super hungry for one meal so for the others i can chill and eat less ,, have room to enjoy a matcha or small special treat. Nd I just love the routine of this like waking up & knowing I get to start my day w a meal that I fuck w it gives me the confidence to eat smart & healthy for the rest of the day

Sigh ..

I will update how this wk goes but going to try to obsess less so I don’t overthink & sabotage

:))

[superbattrash]

Sigh

Nearly had a panic attack trying to eat lunch at my parents’ house because I’ve become so accustomed to weighing my food so I can track it properly and I put food on my plate as I usually would but I couldn’t fucking eat it because I didn’t know how much any of it was???

I know how insane and unhealthy it sounds but right now I crave the control of knowing how much I’m eating. I’m not restricting anything or not eating (not really part of my ED lol) but I know tracking calories can be bad too, don’t get me wrong. But this is what I need to do to not feel like utter shit and start binging at any minor inconvenience and I nearly fucking panicked?? Because of lunch???

I had to go get my mom’s kitchen weight because my sister saw me freeze and start panicking and told me to “just go get it, it’s fine, nobody will judge you” and they didn’t but (they did mock me though which.. great) GOOD LORD…

I need to lose weight (I know, I know, but I’m ranting here) to be able to get top surgery (and also I am in pain from the extra weight I’ve gained) so this is important to me but I’ve never actually frozen like that before. I’ve felt guilty and all that other shit but I couldn’t physically make myself start eating, it felt so wrong

Is this gonna be an issue forever? No, because I’ll be going out this weekend and I won’t track as religiously but I just… needed to tell someone that it fucking sucks. BED is a real ass eating disorder, okay, and it SUCKS…

GAH… it’s clearly the fucking stress triggering me but Cnnskcjajd ARGH. Can’t wait to have ice cream for dinner, alone in my own home

[recoverywithgh0ul]

-home for lost thoughts-

Things that helped my recovery, and things that definitely didn’t. Obviously recovery is a very personal experience, and things that work for others, may not work for you, and vice versa. I’m just sharing what works for me, so maybe people can either see a different perspective, relate, or find inspiration. General TW for this whole post it will touch on uncensored topics such as calorie counting apps, weight checking, and fear foods. If that’s a lot for you, I’d suggest you skip this post, but i wish you well in your recovery <3

I’m going to start off with the things that absolutely did not help, and if anything, sent me into a complete spiral. Why? Gotta start somewhere, and it’s best always to end on a good note~

———————————————————-

Weight checks- I feel like this is probably a no brainer, but these are probably the worst for me. Even if it was good news it was the eventual “when will i ruin it?” Thought, which would giving up, and lead to a binge, and the whole cycle. Looking back, to avoid this, just shifting my perspective to not going to the all or nothing place honestly would’ve helped a lot. Which is what I’m working on now thankfully :>

Free eating- as I’ve mentioned a lot, i don’t understand what a healthy portion looks like, i was never taught. So going into adulthood like that, really negatively impacted me because when i wanted to get healthy even when i tried i still had no idea what i was doing. Something has countered this, but it’ll be in the next section.

Calorie counter apps- never helped me, they’ve always encouraged obsessive behavior, and also caused shame, especially if i had gone over a few calories. I can see the appeal, but for me- they’ve always done more harm than good.

Feeling like i can’t have certain foods because I’ll lose control- this in the long run as never helped, because then these foods feel forbidden, and when i finally allow myself them- I’ll eat them until I’m sick, but if I incorporate them into a healthy diet, I’ve noticed i actually crave them less. So I’m slowly regaining back my control. And so can you~

Those are the main ones for me. Let’s end this on a good note, and move onto the positive :>

—————————————————————-

Portion plates- it might sound silly or restrictive, but the really do help me, especially if I’m feeling a craving to clean my plate, there’s only so much metaphorical ‘damage’ i can do. For me it works, for everyone, it definitely will not. You should always do what works for you and your body~

Adding in foods I’m craving in moderation, or making healthier dupes- so, just like it says, craving chips? Have a bit, just add something to it. Like some cucumber and hummus, or carrots and cottage cheese. Want cookies? Eat it with some Greek yogurt and fruit. (All suggestions not medical advice) you can have what you’re craving just add something with some bulk so it fills you up~ so you’re satisfying a craving, but also feeling satiated.

Combating limiting beliefs with positive self talk- instead of punishing myself for having a bad thought, or getting mad I’m not ‘fully healed’ trying to practice patience, and self positivity and give myself that mental comfort to heal myself like i know I’m worthy of. Seeking outside validation can only help to a point, because if even you don’t believe it, it’s not going to benefit you. Recovery is a journey healing not only your relationship with food, but your relationship with yourself. And you deserve to finally be healed~

Therapy or coaching sessions- again self explanatory, but super beneficial, especially when you feel hopeless and can’t do it alone. Sometimes even finding resources online, like quick videos on YouTube just to understand things more, or to gain insight or advice. For me personally, the more i understand something, the easier it is for me to tackle it. There are so many great food therapists on instagram especially that share such great advice, that i urge you just to watch a few reels. Help is attainable, i promise it’s not impossible.

That’s all i can really think of for this post, as always, good luck on your journey! Remember you are worth it <3 until next time~

[babycherrycola]

I’m finally in the 70s!!!

I should’ve posted an update sooner, but life got in the way.

I’ve started doing a plan that’s been working absolute wonders for me, so I’m gonna share it with you :)

Firstly I’ll start by explaining what I used to struggle with. I used to really struggle with eating small portions. I’m a volume eater and I like having hearty meals, not just stuffing myself with low cal vegetables. I was never satisfied with portion control and calorie counting was just way too exhausting.

My second issue laid in the fact that I was never home for lunch or dinner and I ate out a lot as a result. I tried taking lunches to uni, but they all got soggy and gross by the time I wanted to actually eat them so I hated doing it. Even if I ate that lunch, I’d still feel unsatisfied and crave sugary snacks.

I also had a non-diet related problem regarding my schedule which was that I never had the time or energy to study outside of lectures. I was always rushing to get out the door in the morning and the near 4 hour total daily commute to school drained all the energy I had by the end of the day. Plus I got home at around 7-8 if I was lucky.

My new diet and schedule fixed all of those issues.

1. I started going to sleep at around 9-11 pm and waking up at 5-7 am depending on the day. This gave me plenty of time to get in my 7-8 hours and also have time to study in the morning BEFORE school. I’m definitely a morning person now that I’ve gotten into a comfortable rhythm.

2. I only eat one meal per day. I KNOW HOW THAT SOUNDS, but hear me out. I don’t restrict myself and I eat a lot of food in that one meal. I fill a big plate like so: 40% vegetables, 40% hearty high protein meal like curry or stroganoff (that I love) and 20% bread/ crackers / carbs. At the end of the meal I feel fully satisfied and energized.

3. I drink a LOT of water, tea and coffee throughout the day. I was never a tea or coffee person and I never remembered to drink water, but mow that I get hungry at around 3-4 pm and my stomach starts craving something warm, I drink a ridiculous amount of liquids. It’s really made a difference in my metabolism and I’m actually starting to like tea.

4. Don’t just sit around all day. Get a little bit of movement in. I don’t have the energy to work out on days when I know I have to study a lot, but I am planning on scheduling 2 gym days per week on days when my schedule is light. My campus is big so I do a lot of walking anyway.

5. Track your progress. I know it’s not recommended that you weigh yourself every day, but weighing myself keeps me motivated and in tune with my body on a daily basis. I have a hard time actually knowing what I look like and how big I am so having a number confirm my progress is reassuring.

6. I don’t do this every day. I eat one meal per day six days a week, but on Mondays I know it’s not realistic for me to only have one meal because my schedule is so hectic. I’m realistic about what I can handle, so if I know that a practically 24 hour fast on top of a busy day will make me cranky and fatigued, I don’t do it. Set realistic expectations for yourself and accept the consequences of them.

7. Last but not least, Have a solid reason for why you’re doing this. For me, I have multiple reasons. Number one is to prove to myself that after letting myself down so many times and quitting on so many weight loss journeys, I can actually do it. I’m doing this to teach myself discipline. I’m doing this for my health, since I am insulin resistant and fasting helps make you more insulin sensitive. I’m also doing this to feel prettier and fit into the clothes I want to wear. Keep in mind that the pain of hard work is better than the pain of disappointment. It’s a myth that a magic product or procedure will make you lose weight painlessly, weight loss is not easy for a human body and it will take resilience to lose it and keep it off. But it will be worth it if you’re doing it for the right reasons.

Let me know if you guys want to see what I eat for my one meal a day!!!

[angelst4rv]

Day 15

Weight: 60.7kg

It’s day 1 of week 3, and halfway through my 30 skinny slays!! I’m almost at gw1 :) Due to some weakness, I will possibly be changing the way I do my workouts.

I have a few days off of work so I’m worried it’ll be harder to get my steps in especially since I’m literally so lazy right now. I’m not worried about food, getting those steps in tho!! But I will update

I’m feeling like shit because I’m really going through it right now. I just have no motivation to workout and to go for walks. I just feel so drained and depressed right now. I think I’m gonna take a break from forcing myself to exercise and see how it goes, I’ll still restrict and walk everywhere whenever I can but hopefully I don’t gain any weight or if I do it’s just a little meaning my body is adjusting and it goes back down. It’s scary doing this right when I’m so close to reaching my gw1 but we’ll see. I also wanna try to quit vaping since it is expensive and I don’t wanna be reliant on it but the first day I couldn’t smoke because I was buying a new one the cravings really hit. But I need to be brave. This is a journey and there’s ups and downs. So as long as I don’t give up I should be fine!!

Meals

- Breakfast: two rice cakes (70 cals) with peanut butter (90 cals) and cold brew (0 cals) - 160 cals

- Dinner: 5 piece chicken nuggets (270 cals) and two rice cakes with cream cheese, turkey, and honey (200 cals) - 470 cals

- Snack 1: diet coke - 0 cals

2 large waters: ✔︎

Total cals: a million. I binged 😀👍

[angelic-high]

My header image on my profile is cake. I don’t even rlly like cake, I’m not vv fond of sweet shit. But as my ED got worse during my high school period of time I LOVED eating sweet shit, I craved it all the time. Which is probably due to my body trying to eat something to gain energy, but anyway. These last few days I haven’t been eating right (I started my period). It’s not even big ass meals it’s snacks n junk. my bfs family bought home cake from a party n as a cake connoisseur THEY BROUGHT THE GOOD SHIT. It’s a two layer vanilla cake except the FROSTING isn’t that overly sweet whipped cream shit that isn’t that great after being in the fridge, no no no no, it’s THE best fucking frosting ever. The kind of cake n frosting that lasts days in the fridge, and the frosting doesn’t get all liquidy or hard, but a nice creamy but not overstimulating texture.

I am absolutely FUCKED.

I need to fast or restrict JUST SOMETHING. I’ve been eating so bad I’m getting gross with myself, I’ve been eating so much any kind of food is unappealing all I want is fucking water, but I still keep eating out of boredom. (and bc there’s CAKE)

So I’m thinking I do a liquid fast during school, n then eat cake after. I don’t know yet, I’m not gonna just eat cake only obviously bc I don’t wanna go bald again, so I’ll eat foods with nutrients I need, but overall I need a restart rlly bad. I had a dream though that I lost my ass so I need to keep up with that as well.

Also I got a stye n it’s so fucking bad half my eyelid is closed so no makeup is gonna help. And I have to go to school with it, AMD I HAVE A PRESENTATION THIS WEEEEEK. Wish me luck y’all 🫡

[amphetaminedreamer]

tips & tricks to ward off cravings when restricting. 🌸

FASTS

drink lots of water and take vitamins if you can, often times your body will crave certain micronutrients that can initiate cravings for other things (chips, fries, burger, etc). make sure you’re supplementing these for healthier options when you’re not fasting so you can see more results

think outside the box, let’s say you’re anemic (like many of us who have chronic ED’s) and are rlly craving a burger or thinking of breaking your fast. CHEW ICE!!! it can be such a lifesaver

depending on how you determine your fasts, drink tea!! if you’re craving something sweet use the tiniest amount of stevia (remember if you go past a certain threshold your body will begin to produce insulin and no longer be considered to be “fasting”

if your electrolytes are low do something abt it!!! i love vitamin water 0, seaweed, and rice cakes, for emergencies. remember anything under 50 cals does not break a fast, make sure that there are 10 or less grams of carbs in it tho

track your fasts down to the minute!! from your exact last bite of food set a clock for your fast, i like to use the Zero app. it helps hold me accountable and encourages me to keep going

find distractions, read a book, talk to a friend, watch tv, go on a walk!

RESTRICTING

back to my first point abt cravings. this is basically my cheat code

if i notice myself craving anything fatty, (burger, pizza, cheese) i opt for healthy fats. my go to is salmon, walnuts, almonds, and olives

for craving salty foods, (chips, fries, etc) I like to opt for roasted seaweed or broccoli.a

and for sweet cravings i’ll reach for a cup of warm tea w/ stevia. i usually like ginger tea bc it debloats very well!

pre plan your meals! know exactly what you plan to eat that day and hold yourself to it! i usually pre plan the sunday of a week or each morning or evening so that i’m making sure i’m getting what my body needs

work out more! once i started exercising it helped me to really understand how many calories i was eating. 1 protein bar becomes one run, an extra scoop of ice cream is a pilates session etc.

you can double check calories if you’re paranoid abt them when logging

every 1g of carbs has 4 cals

1g protein = 4 cals

1g fat = 9 cals

diligently track your calories if that’s something you do, we’ve all binged and been afraid to log calories after, log them anyways. it’s motivation to not do it again

weighing yourself before and after meals can encourage you to eat less

when preparing for a meal drink 12 oz of water first, then eat all vegetables first, then lean proteins, then carbs/ fats, you’ll be able to eat less that way and might not even finish your meal

hope this helps!

[witch-of-thorns]

I’m doing that cabbage soup diet thing and holy

It’s been two days and like

1. The soup is so low cal that having it is so guilt free while feeling like I’m having a proper meal so it’s nice. Most of my restriction goes bad because the small portions go so fast that I have so much free time to just think about food. The soup can fill a whole bowl and still be barely any calories, takes me more time to finish, and I won’t hate myself if I get a second bowl. And then I actually feel full!

2. In my opinion it actually tastes really good unlike most ana diets where I just don’t really like the food. Like most ana meals are just so fucking bland but this soup is so flavourful it’s awesome. Being able to enjoy it ends up actually leaving me without craving other food because, well I just had something yummy so I’m happy.

3. The bathroom situation… ya it’s true. It’s like a free laxative which is nice to me for a few reasons. For one, I hate not being able to go because I feel like it messes up the accuracy of the scale. And two, I started getting in the habit of using actual laxatives so if I can have a more natural approach that won’t mess up my body then that’s awesome

I’ll try to keep updating about this diet and I’ll do a final result post but so far so good. Definitely recommend to my low res lovelies to try. And even if you’re med or high res, the best part about soups in general is how customizable they are. Add stuff like potato, tuna, carrot, etc and enjoy a diet for once <3

[blissfullyecho]

echo’s journal: day 1 complete of my weight loss journey

one of my 2023 goals is to lose 43lbs.

yesterday i decided that it’s finally time for me to lose this extra weight. on bmi charts, i am considered overweight, and i have gained 43lbs since the start of quarantine in 2020. i made the decision yesterday to finally start incorporating habits to help aid me in this journey and today is the morning of day 2 and i feel great.

i won’t be sharing my weight on here because i don’t want to influence anyone who is struggling with anything beyond a healthy mindset of health, fitness, and weight loss.

i made an effort to drink at least a half gallon of water, walk 10,000 steps, did a 16:8 intermittent fast, and resisted my late night cravings. i calculated the amount of calories i could have each week as well as allowing myself a weekly cheat day (every saturday). i’m not restricting whatsoever, if it fits into my daily calories and i want it, then i’m going to have it. if not, i can either wait until tomorrow/the next day or wait until my next cheat day.

i don’t believe in not eating certain foods just because i’m losing weight— scientifically, it’s calories in vs. calories out. it’s not difficult for me to wait until the next day if i’m having a craving. it’s almost like parenting myself: yes i can have the chocolate bar if i have enough caloric wiggle room to enjoy it right this second. but if not, then tomorrow. again, i’m still enjoying what i want— but i don’t have to enjoy everything i crave in .2 seconds. that is what led me to my weight gain.

i’m focusing on being more mindful when i eat and remembering that it is a privilege to move my body. i’m going to try this for 8 weeks and update everyone every sunday until march 19th.

[noonebutalone]

TW: talk about food/food restrictions

I’ve come to realize (for me at least) that OMAD are better and less stress inducing.

I literally started counting calories and broke a fast mid week

I started over today but like I did nothing but eat what I wanted and now I’m having heartburn and feel like throwing up….

I don’t eat or drink anything sugary I almost did this morning. It makes it harder to stay in a fast and cravings start.

I dehydrate myself as much as possible cuz to me I won’t be bloated/have water weight and my body will start consuming what I ate or my fat

I don’t remember mentioning this but I just give myself an hour to eat.

For two good reasons

• I’m the only one capable for my job area

• The faster I eat the fuller I’ll feel and I’ll be done quicker

I weighted myself yesterday 229.6 lbs…..

[angelbqbie]

why not caring about food is the best way to lose weight-

over the past couple of months i fell out of my restrictive habits and began binging heavily, ordering fast food almost every day. i couldn’t seem to understand why, it began over the summer so i figured that i would go back to normal once school started because i could skip lunch again. and yet i continued to eat uncontrollably. i came to the realization that it’s not about whether i’m in school or not- it’s about my relationship with food. last school year i skipped lunch everyday but i never thought much about it. i mostly told myself it was because the food wasn’t any good. over time i developed the ability to not be hungry during lunchtime and that lessened my hunger for other meals as well. i didn’t eat as much at breakfast or dinner because i had less of an appetite, and of course a smaller stomach. of course it’s easier said than done, but having this mindset can be so useful for losing weight. when you’re constantly thinking about calories and food, you’re constantly craving it. it’s much easier when you see food as something neutral. i hope i can ease back into this mindset and i hope i could help anyone who would like to think this way too!

[somanyscarsonmyskin]

incoherent thoughts

07/07/2023

I’ve gone completely numb. Discomfort and frustration. Lonely. Still feel like a fraud. Maybe it’s all performative. It must be. Nothing that bad ever happened to me to justify such a reaction. I’m overly dramatic. Why do I feel like I need to have something wrong with me? Maybe I just want to be a special little snowflake like the rest of my generation. Numb. Everything feels flat. I wish my tummy was also flat. Restrict. Restrict. Restrict. Restrict. Don’t break the habit. I’m not even restricting enough. I just want to grab a knife and drag it through my arms and thighs. But I promised I wouldn’t, so I won’t. Or maybe I’ve become too cowardly to do it again. Maybe I was never actually brave enough. Other people’s scars look better. They last longer. There’s more of them. They go deeper. I want to be that beautiful. Beautifully sick. Sickly beautiful. Maybe I’m just going crazy. Hope my therapist doesn’t get too concerned; I’m not actually sick anyway. This must all be fake. There’s no reason for it. I’m just too high maintenance for anyone to give me enough attention. I’m just too competitive not to get on the mentally ill train with the rest of the people I know. They have actual problems though. They deserve a spot on the train. I should just be under it. Under it with all the other normies. With the neurotypicals, and the ones that didn’t have it that bad. The ones that are just overreacting to minor inconveniences. The ones that are not on meds. The ones that just have the blues sometimes. The ones that never needed to be in the hospital. Or under observation. The train is for the ones that had actually narcissistic parents, that got beaten up in school, that cut deeper, that tried to end it, that get the help when they look “off” because off for them means an actual crisis, not just looking slightly sad or distracted. It’s for the ones that actually got to that goal weight and ended up scaring everyone around them. I want to look like a ghost. I want to be repulsed by food instead of craving it so much. I want my clothes to fall off me. I want my nails to be blue, my lips dry, my jawline sharp, my hipbones to create that nice little gap between my tummy and my underwear, and my legs to not touch. I want to count my ribs without lifting my arms. I want bruises all over my body. I want. I want. I want. I’m so greedy… I’m too lazy to even have an ED. I think about running until I collapse. I never actually do it. I give in to food when it gets difficult to stay consistent. Maybe I just don’t hate myself enough. Maybe I haven’t gotten to that point yet. Definitely, I’m not sick enough. Definitely, I’m not mentally ill enough. Definitely, I’m not sick at all. For sure I’m just faking it. Otherwise, I’d just do it. I’d just fucking do it. I would have done it. I’d bear the evidence on my fucking body. My scars would be beautiful. Too deep to fade. My bones would be exposed. People would think I’m about to die of consumption like a Victorian child. I’d look ethereal. Otherworldly. I don’t want to see anyone anymore. Social interactions drain me. Even seeing L. has become too much. Taking care of D. has become too much. It’s triggering. It makes me feel invalidated. It reminds me that no one listens to my advice or anything I have to say, really. In turn, I’m draining K. myself. He gets triggered by my self-punishing behaviour, he feels like his efforts are pointless. I’m just too exhausted to keep up the good girlfriend act. My libido is the lowest it’s ever been since we got together. I used sex to punish myself today and to feel something. Anything. And I triggered him, cause he sees right through me. It's not fair to use him to hurt myself. But I can’t hurt myself in other ways. I want to smoke until my lungs burn. I want to put out each cigarette on my arm. I want to cut. I want to run until I collapse. I can’t do any of that. He would know. He would be upset. He would be disappointed and betrayed. He would feel powerless. I can’t get out of bed. I just stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep. I just want to sleep.