#interesting night time activities
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ate-the-wordsmith · 1 day ago
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just a matter of how many doors can you put between yourself and the sleeping folk 😄
NEED to play snake river reel but it's 1am and everybody else in the house is asleep . chumps
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sysig · 1 year ago
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Delusions (Patreon)
"Could I have your hand, sir?" Max didn't move, which Dexter was, sadly, getting used to.
"Sir?" Max jerked, then turned and stared at him, lost and blank. "Your hand, please."
Max's hand lifted shakily, and he laid it gently in Dexter's upturned palm. Dexter gave a quick and quiet "thank you," then turned it over in his own hand, observing him closely.
Too closely - his knuckles were rough and his fingernails were dull and cracked in places. His once-soft, not-a-day-in-his-life-subjected-to-hard-labour hands were now, already, toughened and split and scarred in places, especially the heel of his palm. He turned it over again, this time to stop looking so intensely. He had only wanted to give it a cursory glance to begin with.
"Do you know what I see, sir?" he asked as conversationally as he could manage, running his fingers along Max's abused flesh. He seemed to be at least half paying attention, his eye gazing down between them, and he'd occasionally twitch, encouragingly Dexter thought. He seemed to want to curl around him, then stopped and shook, his hand squeezing into a fist. Dexter coaxed him back out, encouraged him to hold himself lightly.
"What do you see?" He was almost startled by Max actually continuing their conversation, that happened so rarely now, shaking and quiet as it was. He took a deep breath, was he really going to do this?
"I see a hand, with five fingers." Max remained quiet, though his brow curled, and a guarded look came into his eye, though he still wasn't looking at Dexter. He felt a pang of guilt, but he had to try. "What do you see?"
Max's eye unfocused and began to water. He looked up, but not enough to reach Dexter's gaze in return, instead staring through his chest, and he felt just as hollow and empty as he must look to him.
"Do you take me for a fool, DAX?" Quiet and as close to angry as he'd heard since they'd been here.
No, not angry.
Betrayed.
He swallowed down the stinging lump at the back of his throat. He had to put on a brave face, had to keep his composure if he wanted Max to get better. That was the only thing he wanted, more than anything.
"Of course not, sir. Genuinely, what do you see?"
Max pulled his hand away and turned his body, his bandaged side facing Dexter. Shutting him out, pointedly. Dexter's empty hand curled into a fist, he was no better.
"Please, don't..." Max took a shallow, shuddering breath, and several beats before he spoke again, even quieter. "Don't ridicule me." Dexter could hear his breath catch, and he wanted nothing more than for this all to just stop.
"Sir, I didn't-"
"I've had enough of that." He shook his head stiffly, the action strange and wrong, like he had forgotten how. He stilled, his head turned even further away. "More than enough."
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#ZEX#Dexter Favin#And a drabble-fic under the cut#I ended up writing that the night after I read - I was a bit too inspired while busy so it's a little on the unfocused side haha#I would've cleaned it but I worry it wouldn't make it out of that stage! Please enjoy it for now <3#This set is mostly periphery ideas - inspired by events rather than directly shown ♪ I suppose the first two kinda count tho#But they're more directly of the little scene I wrote ouò Poor ZEX </3#And Dex! He's usually so capable! But he's stretching himself so thin ahh it's hard to watch in the best way#Of course he doesn't want to give ''Max'' over to just anyone - anyone at all really - both of their trusts have bottomed out#But how much could he reasonably care for him in that state? When he's still being actively haunted and most importantly - Not Max#He needs helps he needs support he needs to sleep and shower but a second with his eyes off Max and - then what? He'll immolate from fear#It's hard to imagine him crying but pushed to this extreme? To the thought of losing Max utterly and completely? Hhhhh#I do also just love him being possessive even outside of how terrible the situation is - he's always had his glimpses but this situation#Brings out the worst in him <3 In terrible ways#Really his method is just setting ''Max'' up nearby and prompting him over the sound of the shower like that's not nerve-wracking at all#Like he already doesn't answer half the time if that#As for the mini fic I was really interested in Dex's line about indulging ''Max's'' delusions#Apart from the fact that they're not delusions - not that anyone believes him outside of the Institute - what it means to indulge is weird#I saw one example of how to handle delusions that stuck with me - how not to deny them outright while also not reinforcing them#Since it's not actually helpful to be told ''That isn't Really happening to you'' when to you - to ZEX - it really is! How invalidating#And so rather to take the approach of ''I don't see/feel/hear what you are - I can't find any evidence of it myself'' and extrapolating#Dex taking the approach of ''What reality are you experiencing right now?'' and trying to build from there!#Unfortunately ZEX has already been treated like....well like all that - he's not in the mood for games even well-intentioned ones#He /knows/ he's in a human body. He can feel that and see that and understands that. It doesn't change who - what he /is/#The idea of a completely broken ZEX is so sad to me :( He's so strong and prideful and vivacious - Max really is another him </3#It's not the same but he was saved from death! To fall into torture... But even despite that I want to see him succeed! As much as he can#Even in that small and shaking way I want to see him be hateful and spiteful - angry. Powerful <3 Fighting ♥
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razberrypuck · 8 months ago
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rotating henry emily in my mind
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tinyangrynerd · 3 months ago
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me, autistic and adhd having:
"why yes. i would love to spontaneous start a massive, long winded project cataloging every weapon in a dead dragon MMO. listing full information for drop levels, rarity, and locations :]"
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squishosaur · 2 years ago
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why is twisted wonderland like "i am going to ruin your life maybe destroy your worldview a little bit <3 i am going to make you get attatched to these ridiculously named anime boy versions of disney characters and then watch them go through every trauma imaginable that keeps getting progressively worse and more complex as we keep going. i am going to fundamentally change you for better or worse and you will never be able to watch a disney movie again without thinking of me. i am going to make you watch as these awkward teens navigate through Evil Highschool and you have to find Your place in it, knowing fully well that, at the end, after all of that, you will leave all your friends and return to your own world alone again" but also "omg hey girl do you want to see your babygirl as a bunny or a plushie perhaps? say yes"
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darlin-collins · 8 months ago
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when you realize that you can't remember when you last opened any redacted tags on Ao3:...
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vanweezer · 2 months ago
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very very personal, just insight into where im at w my family and things that bother me/have encouraged me to move out
"i know youre moving out so im just gonna say no ones kicking you out and if you feel like this is something you have to do then ok"
thanks! i know im not being kicked out! but yknow i kinda yet a weird vibe when your out of touch husband takes me to a cemetery to yell at me, tell me im just like my father/dont give my father "the time of day", and that im "mean to people who care about me" in front of his dead mother's grave in a poor attempt at guilting me out of speaking my mind. but no yeah thanks for stating the fucking obvious that im leaving on my own terms
#problems!#people seem to underestimate how quick i am to make moves#the job market is piss. cant believe yall two would blame me for being unemployed when all i do from rise to slumber is hound ppl for jobs#im not going to stay in a house where i will be 'scared straight'. that shit doesnt work on me. in fact it has the opposite effect#i respect yall even LESS now#and youre so so fucking lucky one of my goals for next year is to make things right with you it would be easy to cut you off forever#same way i did with my abusive transphobic dad.#my mom is someone i know can do better and can actually listen to reason instead of being stuck in her generation's mentality of#'x is easy if you just do y. you kids have it so easy the world is at your fingertips' blah blah fucking blah#i am autistic i do not keep jobs easily. i am trans jobs do not want me. i am black and perceived as a woman. every customer at all of my#past jobs thinks i am rude or mean or have an attitude when i do nothing but treat others the exact way i would want to be treated#customers dont like what i say? i stop talking. customers dont like when i dont talk? i talk to them. rinse repeat#like i know im the problem here but all of my problems circle back to my autism and the fact that because im not a supergenius or#someone whose special interest is capitalism i fail at every avenue i try to jam myself in.#but yeah no i need to work harder i need to be taken to a FUCKING CEMETERY and yelled at by YOUR HUSBAND for wanting to go to the bathroom#in front of his mothers grave. god rest her soul and yall know im no christian so i actually mean that shit#because in his mind all i want to do is smoke and party. when i smoke because i have fucking migraines and g to shows#(two out of three of them being free and for the purpose of their willingness to 'get me out of the house')#bc i like music and i like engaging w my scene. but no its all violent noise theres no actual purpose or activism behind moshing. nope#its just one big party right. im just wasting my time right. because i like sleepin on a couch every night with no doors to close. yep ok#anyway heres to me getting my meds getting the fuck out and being somewhat far from my scene now that im moving#hows that for smoking and partying all the time huh?#if any of yall read this i am so so sorry. bitching about my stepdad will become a thing i think#hes one of those bible thumpers that are totally boring and indifferent to differences around them and thinks my mom is just like him#in some ways? she is. but she is a people pleaser and will never take her wants or her feelings seriously#because she had the unfortunate upbringing in being brainwashed into thinking her feelings/wants are sinful#shoutout to my christian or catholic mutuals who are fucking normal and dont let some old fantasy novel control your life. peace#religion mention
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musical-chick-13 · 4 months ago
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See, I think the thing about deranged, toxic relationships in fiction, is that everyone involved has to actively choose to walk into or keep coming back to this relationship. That's the interesting part for me. What would make someone, against every single ounce of reason, decide that being in a relationship like that is genuinely worth it for them? Why would someone willingly put themselves in that situation? What has to be going on in their psyche? What do they get (or think they get) out of it?
If the toxicity is one-sided or one party is completely railroaded into the relationship at every turn until they finally cave, or there's some outside force trapping both of them in the relationship and they don't actually want to be there, that's not particular interesting to me, personally.
(Obviously, other people can disagree with this; people have a wide variety of opinions and ways they engage with fiction, which is good, actually. I'm simply talking about my own thoughts.)
#also. and I had a conversation about this a while ago with a friend: the versions of this I gravitate toward tend to be ones that...aren't#well-loved by fandom. there are some examples of Complex Toxic Dynamics that ARE praised and popular and end up as examples of#Love Stories Of All Time. but those are...even if it wasn't necessarily INTENTIONAL. those relationships become palatable in some way#to the wider audience. and. I think you all know by now: I am not interested in being palatable#(obviously there are some exceptions to this: like people really like The Fucked-Up Soulmates from one of the movies of all time di revenge#*do. I'm on mobile & I'm lazy I'm not retyping all that)#(and dr/master has a fair amount of love--even if I wouldn't say it's The™ ship of the fandom at large)#but I think...idk. there are some examples of this where it seems like the creators are trying SO hard to make the toxic romance somehow#palatable or relatable to the audience. or like...done in a way to try and make the audience actively root for it.#and again part of the appeal TO ME. is that the people are allowed to be deranged in ways that AREN'T accepted or (how many times can#I use this word) palatable. or 'likable'. the appeal is that they're on the fringes of society and usually that includes 'within#the fandom/audience of the media they're from'#(I think...also. I just see so many toxic '''conventionally attractive''' white men irl. I'm a lot more likely to enjoy a dynamic if it#involves at least one character who isn't that demographic)#okay I need to go to BED#GOOD NIGHT
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oiblackestsheep · 7 months ago
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Letters to MBTI: ESFJ
Dear ESFJs,
My opposite! You and I... we don't tend to run in the same social circles, most of the time lmao. But you know what, that's okay! I recognize that just because we aren't incredibly close, doesn't mean I don't see you and appreciate everything you do.
Our cognitive functions appear in reverse order and nothing reminds me of that better than getting to spend time with one of you. You find ways to be pragmatic, punctual, and inclusive of everybody in ways that I can't even manage to do in my dreams.
And when I say inclusive of everybody, usually, that extra effort goes towards making sure that people like me are included and welcomed to the group/community activities, and I really can't express how grateful I am for that. Or rather, usually, I couldn't express that because it's hard to do that verbally when you feel socially awkward, but here, I'm gonna let it rip.
So let's get into it!
I've found myself in enough social situations where I felt a bit like an outcast wallflower (which can earn you points on the internet, but not so much irl lmao), and it's the healthy ESFJ who recognizes this and decides to make the concentrated effort to help break the ice when I'm not quite sure how.
You never run out questions to ask to keep the conversation going and you always find a way to make me (and probably the other introverts) feel like we have a voice and a place at the table in any social setting. Especially when everyone else present knows each other and I'm the new person. This is such an important skill you have and I don't think you hear enough thanks from the people you help, most likely because we don't always know how best to say it.
Not to mention that you are likely the one who organized whatever event is happening, which most people take for granted. It's not easy being the one to accommodate everyone's schedules and coordinate all of the necessary components for social gatherings.
Or business gatherings! It's not all just birthday parties and baby showers with you guys; you've got serious business to get through, and all the while have to remember things like dietary restrictions, seating arrangements, appropriate time slots for all facets of the gathering. You're the one who has planned out the whole day from start to finish, hearding everyone else around, and everyone else has the luxury of going along with all of it without even noticing.
An introverted perceiver like me doesn't know the half of the hard work it takes to make these things happen!
I hope that it is as helpful to you to have me brainstorming new, potential solutions to your technical problems as it is to me when you make sure that everything is going according to plan and everyone gets the chance to comfortably and genuinely participate in all of our collaborative events.
You really do examplify everything I'd like to be better at. Maybe we should hang out more! We may not always have the most in common with our interests, but I think we could learn a lot from each other. Keep doing what you're doing ESFJs. You really are the glue that holds us all together and makes everyone feel safe!
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago
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#me @ my youngest sister at 6.30 this morning: yooooooo can u draw me a fishy so i can get it tattooed on me?#i drew her some flowers so i want a paralell tattoo with her initials bc she has my initials on her#but i literally have not spoken to her since like may bc i do not talk to my sisters unless we r in the same room. no hate we just dont hav#a lot in common. it makes me a lil sad tho bc im curious abt them. my youngest sister is at least nice to me 😭#ive been thinking abt asking her for ages and last night i was asked abt my sisters so i was like. the time is now#while im still a bit elevated#which has been to my advantage bc i was able to stay v chatty and energetic while talking to ppl. and i think i made some friends#we bonded over fic reading. so theyre a bit. ya kno. girls gays and theys of science#we make the world go round. but its so interesting to hear them talk abt coming to school here bc they both liked where they were and r#leaving their support systems. and im like bruh if i didn't leave the southwest i was gonna die. im so happy to b here#support system? whats that. i talk to my parents once a month and that's it lol. but im gonna try to establish one here#and try to actually make actual friends. this school is way better abt making grad students interact#my last school was not at all like that. but anyway i had fun#and i mean im only at the start of the semester. and im in a good mood. and i kno things will get stressful#but im just really happy i got accepted here#and the longer im here the more clearly i can see how much i was suffering#the funny thing is tho that i wrote this last night and only hours later i was squirming in frustration bc the fact that im back in therapy#means i feel a greater obligation to not b actively self destructive. evil coping mechanisms my beloved#this is y my mum wanted me back in therapy bc im a goodie 2 shoes and when my counselor is like: did u do X the next time i see her. ill b#honest and itll b annoying >:-[ ugh#its just hard for me to b around ppl a lot bc i get stuck in mental loops bc ocd. which is exhausting. and i want it to stop#and i want to do bad things to make it stop but i wont bc im trying to b better#its just funny to me that ill go from everythings awful to everythings great i shoukd talk to my sisters and make friends and do this and#this and this. to oh god i cant do this anymore in such short time frames with certainty that how im feeling is how ive always felt#ive also noticed that my peaks of high energy do come before stressful events. which does make me worry for future stressful events. like#defending. i mean ive never gone fully off the tracks but its a lil alarming when it feels like the train is going at a million miles an hr#unrelated#meanwhile my other sister is apparently in Colorado but when i saw the pics is was like: YOU BITCH#R U CLOSE TO ME RN??? but no. Colorado is far away
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stonedrozes · 9 months ago
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in the years of my youth (16) i used to be able to function on 0-4 hours of sleep night after night. however now that i am old and weary (20),
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bluejaygryphon · 1 year ago
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I've been soooo normal about the new robot dragons. btw. so normal
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technofinch · 11 months ago
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James just sent out the schedule for next week and I'm on 8am shifts every day, except for tuesday, when I'm in at FIVE AM 😭
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oglegoggle · 1 year ago
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I’m stressed by my work schedule. Thankfully I get paid on Friday and can hopefully deal with the speeding ticket issue. I know my dearest friend is also stressed by their work schedule. I feel so distant from them. I want to spend time with them and do activities with them in the evenings when they get home from work but they’re usually more interested in playing video games or staring at the internet than actively engaging with me. I had brought up to them that I feel distant from them and they said they’re trying to distance from me so it’ll hurt less when I leave in a few weeks. It… was an emotionally confusing response, like why did they ask me to stay longer if they’re just going to distance from me? I feel stuck in a place where I’m desperately trying to connect with someone I care very dearly for and like they want to connect with me but just can’t, doesn’t want me to go despite knowing that they can’t be present in my life the way I need. I kinda feel like my brain is being ripped in half again. I hope that things will be easier when their work schedule lightens up. But just the same I don’t quite know how to handle the growing stress of my own work schedule when I don’t even really want to be here where I increasingly feel ignored. The ambient sounds of the city stress me. The grinding gears of capitalism stress me. The long work hours and irregular schedule that doesn’t respect the one fucking day of the week I requested to always have off stresses me. I want so much to be out in the woods again. I stay because of them. I would stay as long as they want me to. But I just wish they would act like they actually want to spend time with me if they want me to stay.
#this is goggles#autism continues to make me feel like I’m trapped in a glass bubble#where I desperately want to connect with the world around me but can’t#I’m charming and fun and kind and intelligent and interesting and helpful#I am a well liked person but I just can’t quite feel integrated with those around me#I reflect upon the trans support group the other night when I had asked about dating tips and everyone said to use the internet#and I just don’t jive with the internet as much as I used to#it actively makes me feel more distant from others not more connected#like I want to live somewhere with shitty to no internet service again#it legitimately forced the people around me to actively engage in meaningful fun activities not just staring at rectangles all the time#I’m so tired of staring at rectangles I want to cook by the fire and do sports and play games and make art and build things and snuggle#I want to feel human and I want to be with other humans#I want to love and be loved in return#why do I repeatedly get super attached to people who are too broken and skittish to love?#I’m so tired. I want to go to Washington. I hope that I’ll find what I need there.#I mean I hoped I would in Wyoming and I did not. I hoped I would in California and I did not. I hoped I would in Oklahoma and I did not.#I really wonder if I ever really will find someplace that is gentle on me and I feel loved and integrated with the community#I desperately hope so. I’m so tired of being an outsider.
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probayern · 2 years ago
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drbtinglecannon · 2 years ago
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o(-(
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