#I mean I hoped I would in Wyoming and I did not. I hoped I would in California and I did not. I hoped I would in Oklahoma and I did not.

[oglegoggle]

I’m stressed by my work schedule. Thankfully I get paid on Friday and can hopefully deal with the speeding ticket issue. I know my dearest friend is also stressed by their work schedule. I feel so distant from them. I want to spend time with them and do activities with them in the evenings when they get home from work but they’re usually more interested in playing video games or staring at the internet than actively engaging with me. I had brought up to them that I feel distant from them and they said they’re trying to distance from me so it’ll hurt less when I leave in a few weeks. It… was an emotionally confusing response, like why did they ask me to stay longer if they’re just going to distance from me? I feel stuck in a place where I’m desperately trying to connect with someone I care very dearly for and like they want to connect with me but just can’t, doesn’t want me to go despite knowing that they can’t be present in my life the way I need. I kinda feel like my brain is being ripped in half again. I hope that things will be easier when their work schedule lightens up. But just the same I don’t quite know how to handle the growing stress of my own work schedule when I don’t even really want to be here where I increasingly feel ignored. The ambient sounds of the city stress me. The grinding gears of capitalism stress me. The long work hours and irregular schedule that doesn’t respect the one fucking day of the week I requested to always have off stresses me. I want so much to be out in the woods again. I stay because of them. I would stay as long as they want me to. But I just wish they would act like they actually want to spend time with me if they want me to stay.

[spaceshipellie]

everything’s about you to me

ellie williams x reader

chapter one: things have changed

masterlist for other chapters (prologue) *✧･ﾟ: wc: 3.3k

summary: in the midst of the apocalypse, you and ellie find each other after you’ve both lost everything. what started out as a mere safety in numbers pairing, turns into something imperishable. however, after some time you get separated, leaving you both to believe the other is dead. four years later you find a commune in wyoming.

warnings: violence, mentions of guns and knives, killing infected and people, reader and ellie are both 19, 18+ mdni

author’s note: guys it’s going to get sad before it gets happy OOPS but i hope you enjoy chapter one! let me know what you think, comments & reblogs are always appreciated <3

♪ ‘cause the world could be burning, and all i’d be thinking, is “how are you doing, baby?”

˚ · • . ° .

You scraped your spoon along the bottom of the can, trying to get every last bit of food out of it. The air was cold and lonely as you sat cross-legged on the hard ground, leaves rustling each time you moved your foot trying to ease the pins and needles. The sky was dark slate and the wind whispered eerily through the treetops.

For the past month you had lucked out with living in a desolate bungalow in a rural part of Missouri. It was rundown and musty like all buildings were, with blood stains you couldn’t get out and broken windows you had to board up with wood, but it was a luxury in comparison to a lot of places. You had had a mattress to sleep on and there had been two sleeping bags stuffed down the back of the wardrobe. You imagined someone had hid them there for safe keeping but had never made it back home.

This cosy living situation was no more, however, as yesterday you had returned from a supply run to find the place ransacked. You had approached the building slowly and silently as soon as you had seen that the front door was open. You gripped your machete firmly in one hand, the other ghosting at your hip over the pistol in your holster. Judging by the open door and the knocked over cabinet in the entry way you assumed you would be dealing with people, not infected. You carefully stepped inside, keeping alert on all doors and windows around you. Your head snapped towards the sound of something falling into a bathtub.

You made your way across the room, glancing inside the open bedroom door as you passed. It was empty from what you could see but that didn’t mean you were going to let your guard down any time soon. You stood close to the wall, right outside the bathroom door, thinking the best thing to do was to wait until they came out and catch them off guard.

It had been three years since you had left the Pittsburgh QZ. You often thought about your dad and the way he sacrificed himself to let you live. In the beginning you cried a lot, the tears seemed to run without your control. Now, you didn’t necessarily feel any less sad, but you had learnt to deal with it. Your relationship with him had become strained when he started smuggling. It had turned him into something aggressive and scary. You could tell he tried not to be like that around you but when every corner of your life is threatening, it was hard not to be.

Living in a QZ didn’t eliminate you from having seen people die, tortured, hung, and beaten, but it wasn’t the same as out here. In there it was almost controlled, if you followed the rules you were fine. Here it was just a free for all. Any naivety you once had about killing infected and killing people was gone. You had always been a fast learner and now you understood why your parents had always pushed you to learn survival skills and how to fight.

You didn’t always get it then, when you were younger and had the security of the QZ, but you got it now and you could do it. Survive and fight. You had to, the only alternative was dying or losing your mind to this bloodthirsty disease.

You hated to dwell because if you did you would cry, and crying now only reminded you of how soft and gentle you still could be. It felt like there wasn't a place for that anymore, the world only demanded fear and violence. Your mom had always told you that you should never lose your heart or your head. Yes, you needed to be practical and make tough decisions but what was the point in that if you had lost hope and something to live for.

“You’ll be a shell of a person,” she would say and you would reiterate.

“That can never happen as long as i have you around to remind me.”

Then she would smile and you would feel safe, even if it was just in that moment. But as your shoulder pressed against the cracked wall, breath still and hands steady, your heart was pounding. Come on you fucker, you thought, get out.

As if by command, the doorknob slowly began to turn. You prepared yourself to grab them or swipe them with your machete when the door swung open. You jumped and you tried to swallow the scream that was coming out.

“Mom! Jesus fucking Christ, I could have killed you.”

“Shh,” she slapped a hand over your mouth and whispered, “they might still be here.”

You nodded, not daring to speak and you noticed her grip her knife. she pointed towards the open front door and you followed her lead. You could now hear distant voices but couldn’t make out what they were saying. You locked eyes with your mom before she peered around the doorway. She held up three fingers to indicate how many people she could see.

“Stay here,” she mouthed. You shook your head in confusion. She gave you a ‘promise me’ look before slipping out through the door. You held your position but prepared yourself to step in at any point. You flinched when you heard a squelch and a grunt. One down. The sputtering sound of a jugular being split open came next. That’s two.

You heard a male sounding grunt before hearing one that you knew was your mom. You poked your head round the door and saw a man with his arm wrapped tightly around her neck. Her hands scraped at his bandaged skin to try and pull him off. Your eyes immediately then darted down to her blood soaked knife on the ground and the gun the man had pointed at her head. You were automatically up on your feet, hand ripping your pistol out and firing it at the man’s head.

He went down and your mom fell to her knees, catching her breath. It didn’t take her long to recover her senses though and she grabbed her knife back and also reached for a gun, immediately firing it at a person you couldn't see as they were around the corner of the house. She kept firing and you used the corner of the wall as a shield before firing shots also. More people were encroaching and you could see they had at least one truck with them, probably full of ammo and supplies.

“There’s too many, let’s move,” your mom yelled.

You both started to sprint in the opposite direction past the front of the house, hoping that it would bide you a second of time before the group came around the corner. You didn’t even stop to fire anymore shots, you were just hellbent on getting out of there. Your heavy backpack thudded on your back as you ran, sharp corners of various items prodding you with the impact.

“Down here,” you called out and swerved around a clump of thick trees, hoping they would lose sight of you. Your legs ran you through to a wooded area and you didn’t stop until you were convinced you had lost them and felt like your body was ready to vomit up a lung. You bent over, hands resting on your knees as you tried to catch your breath.

“You okay?” your voice came out hoarse.

“Yeah, yeah,” your mom, clearly struggling to breathe also, chucked the words out as if she could barely understand what she was saying.

Your mouth was insanely dry, your tongue felt tacky as it hit the roof of your mouth. You pulled a water bottle out of your bag and took a sip before offering it to your mom, who gladly accepted.

“We’re gonna have to ration this,” she said, twisting the cap back on. You huffed in acknowledgment. You had a couple tins of food and bottles of water between you, but not much. Most of it was dead and gone back in the bungalow. Which is why you were now, the next evening, sitting on the forest floor, scraping that stupid tin of beans for everything it was worth.

“Fucking raiders,” you grumbled, throwing the can to the ground.

“We’ll find somewhere else,” your mom tried to reassure you.

You grumbled but nodded, wanting to make sure the reassurance was appreciated. The last three years had been hard. Your mind often wandered back to that night you escaped. The way your body went stone cold at the guard’s voice. The noise of the everlasting gunshots still felt like shards of glass passing through your ears. The sight of the first lot of sticky blood soaking your dad’s shirt whilst he still stood tall and ready made you feel sick. Nothing in the world can ever prepare you for losing a loved one so suddenly. Nothing else compares to that invasive reminder that your life is so fragile. How can someone be there one minute and not the next.

“It’ll be okay,” your mom must have noticed the wide spacy look in your eye as she put a hand over yours.

“Nothing ever seems okay.”

“We’re still here, aren't we?”

“Yeah but…” you then realised you were nearly in tears as you sniffled.

“Oh honey,” your mum said, moving to sit closer beside you and she pulled you in tight, rubbing your arm. You could feel her heartbeat against your cheek.

“I miss dad, I miss my room, I miss Amy, I miss everything…I’m just so tired.”

“I know, sweetheart. Me too.”

“I just–why,” you wept, “why did he have to…we could all still be together.”

She started stroking your hair, letting you continue.

“It hurts too much to think about. I wish I could forget.”

In the pause before your mom spoke you could hear how she was fighting to hold back sobs.

“Oh I’m so sorry. so so sorry.”

“What for?”

“For not protecting you like I should have.”

“Mom–”

“No, I should have tried harder to keep you safe and I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for you.”

“You’ve always protected me,” your throat hurt to speak, “I wouldn't be here if it wasn’t for you.”

Hot tears trickled down her neck and one wedged itself between where your skin pressed against her chest.

“I’ll always look after you, baby.”

You held each other for a while. The bitter air pinched your hands so you wiggled your fingers to reignite some life. Pulling away, you and your mom shared a soft smile. Even during the worst times, you were always able to put a smile on each other’s faces. If you were being completely honest, it was the main thing that had kept you going all this time. No matter how bad it got, all you had to do was look up and she was there.

“I’ll take the first watch,” you said.

“You sure?”

“Yes, get some sleep.”

“Okay,” she said softly, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

You watched as she pushed around at her backpack, trying to make it acceptable enough to use as a pillow. You didn’t have any sleeping bags or blankets now and despite it being cold it wasn’t dangerously so. Your layers of a long sleeve top underneath a t-shirt, jeans, jacket and converses would have to do. Besides, it wasn’t the first and wouldn’t be the last time you’d have to sleep like this.

You leaned against a tree, knees bent, knife in hand. Your eyes travelled up to the glowing moon. When every other aspect of the world was rapid and formidable, capable of drastic change at any point, something consistent and pure like the moon was a precious thing. You couldn’t count on much, but you could count on it being there every night, shining like everything was fine.

Your mom shook you awake the next morning after she had taken the second watch. You blinked a few times and rubbed your neck which felt stiff as you sat up. considering your lack of supplies, you both agreed it was a good idea to go in search of some and keep moving, hopefully you would be able to find a safe-ish place to camp out.

You had lived in that bungalow for long enough to know the area. That did mean that you had scavenged all the nearby supplies already but at least you knew which direction to head in to get out of these woods and far away from the raiders. Your feet hurt as you trudged along.

You walked for miles before eventually finding a diner off the side of the road. You hadn’t found many supplies along the way but you had found a baseball bat covered in nails beside an already dead infected. You both approached the diner slowly, in preparation for anything you might come up against. Sure enough, you heard that familiar wail.

“Sounds like there’s infected in there,” you said quietly.

“Only sounds like one or two, we’ll be okay,” your mom assured.

You readied yourself with your weapons and moved closer to the door. It was made of glass and you could clearly see two runners in there. Studying the size of the diner you thought it would be best to open the door and draw them outside to kill them, giving yourself a wider space to move in. Perfect, you thought as you saw an abandoned coke bottle on the ground. You picked it up and eased the door open, praying it didn’t make too much noise. You then threw the bottle away from the door and ran a few steps back, listening to the screech they made as they sprung to life by the noise. The direction you had thrown the bottle in meant their backs were to you so you and your mom could sneak up behind and stealth kill them. You grabbed the bat and swung it at one of their heads meanwhile your mom took out the other.

“See? easy,” your mom laughed.

“Sure,” you laughed too.

You both made your way towards the diner and rummaged through every last crevice for signs of supplies. You managed to find some tape and a few bullets. Not much but not bad, you thought and stuffed them in your bag. The diner’s decor was mostly red and white. The red masking the smears of blood on the walls and the white highlighting it as clear as day. A crumpled, dusty menu laid on the counter and you picked it up.

“Hmm, $7 for a burger, and an extra dollar if you want cheese,” you scoffed, scanning the menu, “all the food in the world and you had to pay for it.”

“Yeah, I’d pay $20 for a cheeseburger right now,” your mom quipped, scanning the counter for anything else that might be useful.

You put the menu back and opened a cupboard that was situated above your head on the wall. A clutter of silver pots and pans fell out, your hands desperately trying to catch them but they all hit the floor with a shrill bang. a clicking noise followed.

“Oh no,” you breathed.

You barely had any time to process what was about to happen when three clickers burst through the diner door. You quickly made an attempt to distance yourself as much as possible, reaching for a gun and firing at one of them. It hit but it didn’t stop coming. You heard your mom firing her gun also but you didn’t dare take your eyes off the two coming for you. You fired again and it thrashed but still wasn't dead. Your heart was pounding and with a clammy hand you grabbed a sugar bowl and threw it at a far away wall. All three clickers snapped and huddled to the sound of smashing china. You made a run for the door grabbing your mom’s arm as you did so.

In the haste, her bag got stuck on the door. She yanked it free but the seconds lost meant that the clickers were attracted to your presence again. You both ran behind a car, hoping the extra distance would make them lose you, but it didn’t. You both fired your guns and one eventually dropped dead. You noticed your mom pick up a rock and throw it at one of them, stunning it, hopefully giving her enough time to kill it but the slight distraction meant the other had a chance to grab you.

“Fuck!” you screamed, using every piece of strength you had to hold it off, its gnawing yellow teeth only centimetres away from your face. Your back was pressing into the side of the car. You couldn’t reach for any kind of weapon because it would kill you before you managed to. Your eyes squeezed shut thinking any second now your skin would be ripped apart when suddenly the weight of it disappeared, followed by silence. You hesitantly opened your eyes, expecting to see your mom but instead you saw a girl with blood splattered across her face and a dead clicker at your feet.

“I–um, thank you,” you couldn’t string a sentence together as you took in the sight before you.

“Are you okay?” your mom rushed to you, hands cupping your face, “are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine, I think,” you mumbled in shock.

Your mom moved to your side and you looked up at the girl who was wiping her cheek with the back of her hand. She looked about your age and had a full backpack, accompanied by a bow, a shotgun, a pistol, a metal crowbar and a switchblade which seemed to be what she had just used as she was wiping it on her jeans.

“Thank you,” you said again, not sure if your words earlier had even been coherent.

“It’s,” she waved her hand in dismissal, “no big deal.”

It very much was a big deal, you thought. This stranger had just saved your life. But she didn’t seem like the type to accept too many pleasantries so you left it. There was a moment of awkward silence. What now? Do you give her your name? Do you part ways? It looked like she was on her own which made you feel sad, despite not knowing anything about her. Then your mom introduced herself.

“Ellie,” the girl said in return, eyes looking back and forth between you and your mom, who nudged your arm.

“Y/n,” you said.

“Are you by yourself?” your mom asked. Ellie paused before answering, scratching the back of her head.

“Um, yeah I am.”

Your mom looked at you but you couldn’t detect what look it was that she had on her face. You furrowed your eyebrows at her before she turned her attention back to Ellie.

“Did you want to come with us?”

Ellie looked a bit taken aback by the offer.

“Where are you going?”

“Nowhere,” your mom shrugged, “anywhere we can.”

Ellie nodded to herself, clearly weighing up her options. That’s the thing about this life, you didn’t have many.

“Okay,” she finally said.

“Great,” your mom smiled warmly at her. Normally she wasn’t this trusting and you found it strange that she seemed to let her guard down around Ellie so quickly. But then Ellie had just saved her daughter’s life so your mom probably assumed she wasn’t the rampaging murderous type.

Ellie looked over at you and you realised you hadn’t said anything. you gave her a small smile and it was the first time you’d properly studied her face. Freckles fell across her cheeks like stars and the softness of it contrasted with the cut in her eyebrow and bruise on her cheek. You also couldn’t help but notice a bandage on her right forearm.

“We better move,” your mom gestured, “let’s keep going this way.”

taglist *✧･ﾟ: @bellasfavelesbo @ximtiredx @abbyily @heartzjules @gold-dustwomxn @sawaagyapong @aouiaa @pinkigirl @nil-eena @ucannotcompare @cherriesxinthespring @blvebanisters @lonelyfooryouonly @ellieslegalwife @carmellie @iheartgeto @faceache111 @lveunoialv @jajsnjz @simpforellie @frickfrack-paddywack-ukulel-blog @unicycl @cass00x @lizziee-williamss1

i’m not comfortable tagging ageless blogs incase you’re a minor so if you wanted to be tagged and weren’t, that’s why.

[sublimecatgalaxy]

Can I has a Joel x reader request where he ends up picking her up along the way(saving her) and she just kinda sticks around. She's good at medicinal herbs and foraging. speaking of WHY ARE THERE NO CHARACTERS LIKE THAT IN ANY POST APOCALYPTIC SHOW/MOVIE like that should be a course. Idk I want it to be fluffy like a clicker or an infected is running at her and he gets rid of it

I love this idea for sure, I hope you like it :)

"You're a fucking botanist?"

That was the first thing Joel asked me when he found me stranded in the country side of Wyoming, a young girl attached to his side when he looked down at the botany book in my hands and the array of flowers and twigs around me.

He almost shot me. Of course he didn't tell me that till weeks later, when we were finally settled in with his brother and the rest of civilization back in Jackson. He claimed that he thought I was infected by how much I was shaking but my claim was that it was nearly negative five degrees and my anxiety was skyrocketing as soon as I heard him step on a twig twenty feet away from me.

He saved me from freezing to death and getting mauled by a clicker and insulted my career in the same five minutes.

"Well botany was useless until the end of the world, huh?"

"I like to think that we were always useful, just not in obvious ways."

"Are you alone out here?" The girl asks with a kinder smile than the expression the mystery man is giving me, his eyes drooping low to look over me and my backpack to my left. She steps past the frightening man to step between the two of us, giving the man a hesitant but kind look before turning back to me.

"Yeah, just little old me." I shiver, teeth chattering as another blow of wind sweeps right through my bones, chilling me to my core. She frowns and pulls her jacket tightly around her chin before reaching into her pack to pull out a small blanket, tossing it onto the ground in front of me.

"Joel, can we keep her?" She asks as I scramble to wrap the blanket around my shoulders, already feeling ten times better than I did before.

"I'm not a stray dog." I giggle, looking at her with a teasing look and she nods bashfully, understanding how she came off.

"You practically look like it." The man mutters and I frown, heart panging as I lean down to smell my shirt and I have to be honest, it does resemble that of a wet dog.

"Ouch, when was the last time you showered, old man." I tease but his stoic expression sticks as his shoulders lift in a brief shrug.

"A week ago." He adds matter-of-factly and I feel envy swim in my belly at the thought of a snarky, unkind man like him deserving a hot shower, a shower that I would kill someone for.

"You guys are mean." I huff before looking to the girl with a smirk. "I like you." Before anyone else can say a word, Joel's eyes flicker past me and to the tree line and I feel my stomach drop at the frightened look on his face.

"Joel-" The young girl starts but Joel holds a hand up to her, taking a step towards me and I let him push me behind him and into the arms of the girl with a huff.

"I got it, Ellie." He mutters, holding the knife carefully in the air as the clicker approaches us and I look away in time as I hear the sound of the knife sheath itself into the skull of the monster in a split second. I take a breath, trying to regain my balance as I wobble a bit.

Between being scared by them and then the clicker, my heart needs a full restart.

"Jesus." Ellie whispers, head whipping in my direction as my butt hits the snow, head lolling between my knees while I try to catch my breath. Joel is in front of me in a moments notice with my backpack at his side, his hand carefully reaching out to rest on my shoulder, catching my attention.

"You okay?"

"She should come with us." Ellie whispers to him and he nods, reaching up to rub at his jaw as I feel my head start to spin, nausea bubbling in my throat.

"Yeah, she should." He whispers, pressing the back of his hand to my forehead before clicking his tongue, looking to the kid. "C'mon kid. Show her the ropes."

Ellie's laugh snaps me out of my thoughts, the fond smile on my lips returning to a normal thin line and I feel eyes on me as my head turns. Ellie and Joel are looking at me, forks in the air as they share a careful look and a laugh.

"What're you thinking about?" Joel asks with a curious, calm smile, a completely different expression than what he gave off when we first met. He's no longer stern and guarded around me, instead softening a bit and he's finally allowed himself to laugh around me.

"When we met." I shrug, nudging him with my elbow as I take a loud slurp of my soup, but the mellow tone is torn to shreds by Ellie's crude laugh, her spoon slapping down on the table while she looks between the two of us.

"You mean when you guys fell madly in love?" I feel my cheeks warm at her observation, an honest one at that, and I feel the butterflies return to my stomach as I sneak a glance at Joel who's blushing as red as a fire truck.

"Shut it, Ellie." He mutters and her eyes roll, hands raising in surrender.

"Oh I'm sorry for calling out the elephant in the room."

[50calmadeuce]

Ch. 39: Court - Y/N

Warning: Mention of miscarriage. Some chapters have sex.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction using characters from the Top Gun: Maverick world, trademarked by Paramount Pictures Corporation. I do not claim ownership of the characters and the world that I am borrowing.

The story and situation I am creating are a work of my imagination and I do not ascribe them to official story canon. This work is for entertainment only and is not a part of the storyline.

I am not profiting financially from the creation and publication of this story, but I do hope it gives you happy thoughts.

These stories are my own, so please do not take them and use them for yourself without my permission. If you see them somewhere else, please let me know. :)

You stood up and slowly made your way to the witness stand, acutely aware of Dorian's gaze following you. After raising your hand and taking the oath of truth, you sat down. A sharp kick from the baby caused you to let out a small, "Ooof."

The judge looked at you with concern. "Are you okay, Doctor?"

You rubbed the spot on your belly where the baby had kicked. "Yes, thank you. The baby was just reminding me he's still there."

The judge smiled. "My wife had those same issues. Are you ready to proceed?"

"Yes, your Honor," you replied as you straightened yourself in the chair.

"Mr. Rowe. The floor is yours," the judge said to Dorian's attorney.

The attorney stood up and fixed his suit jacket. "Thank you, your honor," he replied as he slowly walked towards you. "Doctor Seresin. How did you meet Doctor Stryker?"

"Like Doctor Stryker said. During a grant study in Wyoming," you answered.

The attorney nodded thoughtfully. "And during this time, did Dr. Stryker ever mention that he had personal feelings for you?"

You took a deep breath. "No, he did not."

The attorney raised an eyebrow. "So, you were unaware of any romantic interest from Dr. Stryker during the study?"

"Yes," you confirmed. "Our interactions were strictly professional, and any personal feelings he might have had were not communicated to me at the time."

The attorney paused for a moment, then continued. "Can you describe the nature of your relationship with Dr. Stryker during the study?"

"Our relationship was purely professional," you explained. "We collaborated on the research and spent time working together, but there was no indication of any romantic involvement."

"What made you decide to go to Wyoming to work on this study, Doctor Seresin?"

"It was a part of my degree that I was interested in. It would help with the animals in Wisconsin," you replied, matter-of-fact-like.

The attorney nodded, jotting something down before continuing. "And what specific aspects of this study were you interested in?"

"The study of zoonotic diseases, which was directly relevant to my work with large animals in Wisconsin. I wanted to gain insights and practical experience that would benefit my research and improve my understanding of animal care," you explained.

The attorney seemed to absorb your answer, then asked, "Did you have any previous connections or relationships with Dr. Stryker before this study?"

"No," you said firmly. "I had no prior connections or relationships with Dr. Stryker before the study began. Our professional interaction started there."

"So, you weren't there because your husband left you?"

You sighed. "No. My husband didn't leave me. He was at training."

The attorney raised an eyebrow, seemingly taken aback by your calm and direct response. "So you were not emotionally distressed or in need of a distraction from your personal life when you participated in the study?"

"No," you said firmly. "I participated in the study for professional reasons, not as a means to escape any personal issues. My involvement was purely based on my interest in the research and its relevance to my career."

"Even after your husband found out you had lost a child due to your job?"

The courtroom fell silent as the opposing attorney's question hung in the air. You could feel the weight of the moment, but you held your ground, focusing on your response.

"Yes," you replied firmly. "My decision to participate in the study was based on my professional interests and goals. The circumstances surrounding my personal life did not affect my commitment to the research."

“So, let me make sure I understand. You were kicked in the stomach by a horse while three months pregnant, and your husband left for training, not because he was upset about the loss of the baby?”

You took a deep breath, trying to maintain your composure as you faced the opposing attorney's probing question. The courtroom was still, with everyone hanging on your response.

"No," you said firmly. "My husband was away for training as part of his career, not because of any personal issues related to the loss of the baby. Our professional commitments and the circumstances surrounding them were separate from the personal challenges we faced."

The attorney tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Interesting." He then looked at you. "Doctor Seresin. When was the last time you spoke to your husband?"

"Last night," you answered, knowing where the attorney was going.

He smiled. "I apologize. Let me rephrase that question. When your husband left for training while you were in Wyoming, when did you talk to him?"

"Occasionally. He would call when he got the chance."

This time the attorney let out a small irritated smile. He knew what you were doing. "When did you see your husband again after he left you."

You sighed, knowing you weren't going to get out of this question. "Four years later."

The attorney seemed to seize on your response, sensing an opportunity to press further. "And during those four years, you had no communication with him?"

"Very little," you clarified. "We were both focused on our respective commitments, and the nature of his training meant limited contact."

The attorney nodded, as if your answer had confirmed something. "So, during that period, you had no indication of his personal feelings or concerns about the events that had transpired?"

"Correct," you replied. "Our communication was minimal, and any personal issues were not discussed extensively."

"So, your husband didn't know that you danced and kissed Doctor Stryker?"

You clenched your jaw. "I didn't kiss Doctor Stryker. He kissed me."

The opposing attorney’s eyes narrowed slightly as he absorbed your response. "So you're saying that during the time you were working with Dr. Stryker, there was no romantic involvement on your part?"

"That's correct," you said firmly. "Any personal interactions we had were purely professional or friendly, and any kiss that occurred was initiated by Dr. Stryker, not me."

The attorney seemed to weigh your response before continuing, "And after Dr. Stryker kissed you, how did you respond?"

"I made it clear that I was not interested in pursuing any romantic relationship," you explained. "My focus was on the work we were doing and my commitment to my marriage."

The attorney looked at you for a moment, then nodded. "Thank you, Dr. Seresin. No further questions."

Mr. Dunby stood up. "Dr. Seresin. How did you meet your husband?"

"We met at a bar in Austin."

Mr. Dunby continued, "And what was your relationship status before you went to Wyoming?"

"I was married and in a committed relationship."

Mr. Dunby nodded. "And when you left for Wyoming, was your relationship with your husband stable and supportive?"

"As much as it could be being married to a naval aviator," you affirmed.

Mr. Dunby smiled slightly, acknowledging the truth in your statement. "And during your time in Wyoming, did you ever communicate with your husband about your professional interactions with Dr. Stryker?"

"I did not."

Mr. Dunby nodded. "And why was that?"

You responded calmly, "Our communication was focused on maintaining our relationship and supporting each other through our respective challenges. Discussing professional interactions, particularly those with colleagues, was not a priority in our conversations."

Mr. Dunby continued, "Was your husband aware of the nature of your work with Dr. Stryker in Wyoming?"

"He knew I was working in Wyoming, but I did not discuss my work. My husband knows about his fighter jet and how it works. When it comes to veterinary medicine, it's like a foreign language to him."

Mr. Dunby smiled slightly at your response. "So, to clarify, while your husband was aware of your work and the fact that you were collaborating with Dr. Stryker, the specifics of your professional interactions were not a topic of discussion between you two?"

"Correct," you confirmed.

Mr. Dunby nodded, acknowledging your clarification. "And during your time in Wyoming, did you ever discuss personal matters, such as your marriage or any issues related to it, with Dr. Stryker?"

"No," you answered firmly. "My focus was solely on the research and maintaining professionalism."

"So, you didn't give any hint towards Dr. Stryker that you wanted a relationship with him?"

"No. After he tried to kiss me, my ranch hand kept me away from Dr. Stryker and I left for home."

"And after you went home, did you see or hear from Dr. Stryker again?"

"Not until a few months ago at the conference at A&M University."

"Oh? And what was said?"

"Dr. Stryker followed me outside and informed me that he had been thinking about me since then."

"And what was your response?"

"I told him that I was still married."

"And what did he say when you said that?"

"He was surprised I was wearing a wedding ring."

Mr. Dunby nodded thoughtfully, letting your response sink in with the courtroom. "So, Dr. Seresin, even after all these years, when Dr. Stryker saw you again, you immediately reaffirmed your commitment to your marriage?"

"Yes, I did," you replied confidently.

"And despite his surprise at seeing your wedding ring, did Dr. Stryker attempt to pursue anything further with you after that conversation?"

"No, he didn't," you stated firmly. "Until a few weeks ago when he kidnapped me from the hotel he was staying at here in Wyoming."

The courtroom erupted into a mix of gasps and murmurs, the sudden revelation catching everyone off guard. The judge banged his gavel to restore order.

Mr. Dunby quickly intervened, sensing the gravity of the situation. "Your Honor, may I suggest we take a brief recess?"

The judge considered Mr. Dunby's request, then nodded, understanding the need to defuse the tension. "Very well. We will take a brief recess. Court will reconvene in twenty minutes."

The judge banged his gavel once more, and the courtroom began to clear out.

Tags: @buckysteveloki-me @bellyliveslife @tgmreader @callsign-barbell @86laura11 @dizzybee03 @kmc1989 @guacam011y @nerdgirljen @hookslove1592 @dempy @djs8891 @smoothdogsgirl

[bcolfanfic]

#2 - being in awe by how small everything is on a child ('just look at these fingers? How can they be real?!')

clegan with josie ?? 🥹🥹

went in a bit of a diff direction for this but hope you like it! also researching for this is how i discovered wyoming only has 3 targets and none of them are in sheridan lololol. this is the store i plonked them in for this (:

---

“This stuff feels real small, isn’t she four?” John remarked, pinching the edge of a shirt Gale had picked up off the rack to get a better look at it. Gale draped it over his arm to thumb at the tag in the neck.

“It's the size Natalie sent- she said she's tiny for her age."

John didn't miss the hint of a frown on his face as he spoke, doing a precursory glance around before he leaned in a little closer, rubbing at where the bottom of his sweatshirt met the label on his jeans.

Gale titled his head just a little against the side of John's, peering up at him with hint of wariness in his eyes. "You wanna go look at shoes?"

"Mhm," John said, knowing somewhere in his head that the task delegation was because he needed a minute alone. Not because Gale was thinking he had some sort of hidden children's shoes expertise.

Pressing a kiss to the side of his hair before he walked away, John let his hand linger on his back till he was far enough that it dropped off.

He couldn't blame Gale for wanting some space, even if it was itching at him that he probably needed to push him a little to talk about what exactly was rattling around his head. What he could practically see growing roots in his cortex right through his eyeballs, ever since Natalie had sent them more information about the little girl that would be theirs in a little less than forty-eight hours.

"Her mom got in trouble for gambling." Gale said, eyes not peeling away from his laptop screen where he sat at the kitchen table. John froze where he was getting a water from the fridge, feeling a tightness in his chest as if he could sense whatever emotions were coursing through Gale.

When he shut the fridge door and turned to face him he still hadn't moved his eyes from the screen, pressing hard on the touchpad to keep scrolling through the document- chewing on his bottom lip.

"Don't have to read through everything tonight, Gale," John tried, sitting back down in the chair opposite him, and sliding him the water he'd originally gotten for himself. 'We have time."

Gale listened, though the shutting of his laptop felt abrupt. He propped his elbow up on top of it, curling his fingers inward and pressing them against his forehead.

"You wanna talk about it?" John said, getting a sigh in response before he got any words.

"I just want her here," Gale admitted after a minute, reaching for his phone which was resting in his lap. "Do you think Natalie could arrange for us to get her sooner if we asked?

The answer to that was that Natalie was happy to- though it did mean they had a few days to get everything ready as opposed to two weeks.

John went back and forth on if he should've let Gale call or not.

"You gettin' our baby cowgirl boots?"

His husband's footsteps approached him from behind quick and light, John not realizing until then how long he had been standing there without actually picking out any shoes. He ducked his head down sheepishly, Gale patting the side of his hip with the hand that wasn't occupied holding a basket.

"Think we should?" He said when he'd come back to himself, scanning the area till he found the shelf for the size on the list they'd been sent.

When he grabbed a pair of boots Gale leaned over his shoulder to look at them closer, brushing his pointer finger gentle along the side of them.

"They're so little." He said quietly. "Gonna have feet this little stompin' around our house in a couple days,"

If he let it it'd make John uneasy, their emotional states having managed to somehow swap within the last few minutes.

But the lightness in Gale's tone now made the reality of it all feel just a bit less jarring.

(They got the boots.)

[hier--soir]

okay hear me out…

joel and reader find their way back to Joel’s old house in Texas somehow. the angst. the drama. the COMFORT FROM READER TO JOEL MY HEART.

you’re breaking my heart here, kelp. this one hurt. i’m sorry it took me nothing short of a century to write, but i hope you enjoy this in some kind of way.

warnings/tags: set after tlou pt one timeline, established relationship, angst, grief, mentions of the death of a child, panic attack, hurt/comfort, the real birthday card sarah wrote joel from tlou game brb bawling. wc: 2.6k

Joel’s home in Texas sat at the end of a cul-de-sac.

The houses on the street were run down after decades of rain and sun making the wood deteriorate. The bodies of the buildings sagged as if they’d exhaled a breath one day, and never inhaled another. Your eyes wandered over them as you rode past, trying to imagine what the street had looked like all those years ago when Joel had lived there. Did your best to picture him cruising down the road in his truck, young and carefree, listening to the radio as he drove home from work. The idea made a small smile drift across your face, but it faded as you glanced back to him. He rode a few paces ahead of you, and his broad shoulders were tense, hinting that he was gripping the reins of his horse for dear life.

The pair of you had been travelling for something like a month, all the way from Wyoming, to reach this point. And for most of the trip, he’d remained the Joel you knew and loved. Quiet, and funny, with the warmest smile. But as you’d neared Texas state lines, he’d withdrawn. Started to shut you out; talking less and seldom laughing at your jokes. You knew it was hard for him, to return after so much time, and so you didn’t push him. But that didn’t mean your heart didn’t pang nervously as he pulled his horse to a halt outside of a house.

Closure, Tommy had called it.

“You gotta go back, Joel,” he’d said one night at the dining hall in Jackson. “Even if it’s just once. You owe it to yourself.”

It had taken months to convince his older brother. After three years living in Jackson, Joel had become so comfortable in his new life. He had come so far from being the man you’d heard stories about when he and Ellie first arrived in the settlement.

He’s dangerous, people would whisper. He’s killed people.

And at first, you’d feared him alongside the rest of your community. Until he wormed his way into your heart, and shared himself with you. Yes, he was dangerous, and yes, he had killed, that much you were aware of. But in time, he confided in you. Things about his past that he’d never been able to verbalise to anyone, whispered in your ear while hidden under the sheets of his bed. He trusted you, and you trusted him. And so when Tommy finally wore him down enough that he agreed to go back to Texas, he said he’d only go if you went with him.

“Just to see it,” Joel had said adamantly on the day you left Jackson, as the pair of you saddled your horses. “It’ll be nice just to see it.”

“Long way to go just to see it,” you’d said quietly, stomach twisting with an unfamiliar feeling. You knew what lay within his house in Texas. Knew what memories resided there, festering inside the walls. The ghosts of who he once was, of the life he was supposed to live. The memory of… her. The daughter he’d lost.

He talked about her more and more, the longer you knew him. Shared stories, confessed to you when things reminded him of her, and the way it made him feel. He dreamt about her often. A few mornings out of every month he would wake with a thin sheen of sweat on his face, muscles tense as he cried out for her, begged her to stay. And you would soothe him, brush the hair off his forehead and hold him, lulling him back to sleep with soft words in his ear and gentle kisses against his hairline.

Standing outside of the house, the thought flitted through your mind once more. Your eyes darted warily between the old property and him. Staring at the profile of his face, you tried to discern an emotion; tried to gage any hint of feeling there. But Joel’s face was blank, forehead smooth, mouth a thin line, as he tied the horses up.

Without a word, he was walking up the driveway toward the front door. Pulse quickening, you trailed behind on numb legs, hand gripping the gun holstered on your hip. If you hoped for anything, it was that infected weren’t holed up inside the house you’d travelled so far to see.

The front door gave way easily under his weight, and a cloud of dust exploded around the pair of you as you stepped past the threshold. And it was… a house. No, a home. No sounds came from within, no rustling or footsteps or clicking. It seemed uninhabited. Safe. You stood behind Joel, waiting for his signal.

Joel cleared his throat, peering around with a tense jaw. “Look around. See if we can find anything useful to take back with us.” You noticed he didn’t refer to Jackson as home.

He wandered slowly through the lower level of the house, not touching anything at first, as if he were hesitant to lay his hands over the things that had once been his possessions. You watched him silently, carefully, allowing him to take the lead. And when he ducked through a set of double doors into a different room, you couldn’t help but analyse the space, how things had been left, all those years ago.

The place was clearly well-lived in. A few plates and bowls rested in the sink, a mug on the counter. A DVD rested on a coffee table by the couch, some 80s action flick with two guys on the cover. Curtis and Viper 2, it read in bold red lettering, This time it’s a family affair. You smiled curiously but didn’t pick it up to read the back.

Rustling came from the doors Joel was behind, and you figured you should start looking around as well. You padded heavily up the stairs, dush and grime loosing into the air as your boots worked against the old carpet. The landing was large, and you could see a few doorways from where you stood. Peeking through the first one, you saw a large bed, a TV mounted on the wall, and a treadmill. You huffed quietly, trying to picture a world in which Joel would run on a machine while watching television. The image was difficult to conjure.

“Y’find anything?” Joel’s gruff voice carried up the stairs.

“Not yet,” you hollered.

“Check the bathroom,” he called. “Might be some painkillers in there. Old antibiotics maybe.”

“On it.”

You moved further down the hall, nudging your boot against a closed door before peering in.

Posters covered the walls, dusty and faded from years of sunlight shining in the window. A double bed with blueish green covers, two sets of drawers. And pictures… so many pictures, tacked against the pink walls, depicting smiling, happy faces. Some that you’d come to know well, and one that you’d never seen before.

Stepping further into the room, you stared at the photograph stuck above her bedhead. It was of Tommy and Joel, with a small girl tucked underneath his arm, her arms wrapped around his middle as she beamed at the camera. Sarah. You swallowed down the ball of emotion that had settled in your throat.

“Found some scissors and tape,” Joel hollered, and you gave a half-hearted shout of acknowledgement in return.

Your lungs tightened, and suddenly your breathing was shorter, the knowledge that you were standing in his daughter’s room almost suffocating you. You turned quickly, with every intention of leaving the room, until something on the dresser opposite her bed caught your eye.

A small, faded card. White paper that had yellowed and faded over the years, that had a cartoon drawing of a dinosaur wearing a party hat across the front. The word ‘CONGRATULATIONS!’ was scrawled in red print below it.

Your fingers ghosted across the paper, feeling the thinness of it; the delicate fragility of something that hadn’t been touched by another human being in over twenty years. Careful not to cause any damage, you opened it. Your eyes turned blurry as they trailed over the words scribbled on the card.

Dear Dad, Let’s see… you’re never around, you hate the music I’m into, you practically despise the movies I like, and yet somehow you still manage to be the best dad every year. How do you do that? Happy Birthday, Pops! Sarah.

A tear rolled off your chin and landed on your shirt, leaving a dark stain. You sniffled sharply, wiping the wet sensation from your face. The flimsy paper shook in your grip, and you found yourself anxious that it would disintegrate at any moment.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Joel’s voice was steely, low. You flinched, the card tumbling out of your hand and back onto the chest. Your partner loomed tall in the doorway, staring you down. His face was thunderous, expression a mask of fury that you’d never expected to have directed at you, in this lifetime or the next. Dark eyes glared at you, as his mouth twisted into a snarl, lip curled up to reveal gritted teeth.

“Joel,” you breathed, wiping furiously at your cheeks again to remove any sign that you’d been crying. “I’m sorry, I was jus-“

“Why are you touching her things?”

You noticed his eyes never moved off you. He didn’t dare look around the room, her room. “I’m sorry,” you repeated feebly. “I didn’t- I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry.”

He diverted his gaze, staring down at what you had dropped.

“What is that?” he asked. His voice was quieter, softer. It was like every one of his features pinched together in the middle of his face, and he took a slow step into the room.

“It’s a card,” you told him, slowly reaching out to rest a hand on his shoulder. He met your gaze, silently asking you to tell him more without him having to ask. “The birthday card she wrote for you. I’m sorry, I know it’s personal and I shouldn’t ha—”

“She never gave me a birthday card that year.”

“What?”

“No card. Just the watch.”

Your eyesight blurred as you stared at him. He moved slowly, as if he had to beg his limbs to work and even then, they dragged along the ground. When he picked it up, the card looked so small in his large hands. Long, dirt-stained fingers gripped the withered paper, splaying it open so he could read it.

And for a moment, everything was still. No movement, no sound, nothing could interrupt the way his eyes danced along the messy handwriting, devouring every letter. A few minutes passed, and you realised he was reading it over and over again. His chest began to rise and fall faster, as short sharps breaths rattled in and out of his lungs.

“Joel,” you whispered, voice hoarse with emotion.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, and you shook your head and took a hesitant step towards him, but you were too slow.

His knees buckled, and he dropped onto the carpet with a heavy thud. You cursed, crouching beside him to get a better look at his face. Silent tears streamed from his eyes, rolling down the hills of his cheekbones before disappearing into his beard. His chapped lips quivered as he silently mouthed the words written on the card, not meeting your eye. You placed a hand on his back and stifled the sound of despair that worked its way up your throat.

“Joe—”

“My baby girl,” he choked out, finally looking at you.

“I know,” you hushed desperately, rubbing soft circles on his back. “I know.”

“N-never saw this,” Joel grunted. It seemed painful for him to speak, and his left hand reached up to press against his chest. Fear spiked inside you, and your hand tightened on his back. “She never—” he paused, upper body swaying.

His mouth was downturned, low breathy sobs escaping his lips as he tried to regain control of his body. But it was out of his control, and you could see the fear crawling under his skin as memories of Sarah wormed through his brain, and twisted his insides.

“I know,” you repeated gently. “I need you to breathe, Joel. Can you hear me?” he nodded faintly, fingertips crinkling the corner of the card where he held it. “Need you to breathe with me now. Slowly, in and out, like this. Don’t go passing out on me.”

He shook his head quickly, but copied the sound of your exaggerated breaths, sucking in air before expelling it heavily. “My girl,” he muttered, and you nodded, kissing his shoulder quickly. “I failed her, I—"

“No,” you said sharply, and finally he looked at you. Bloodshot, grief-stricken eyes stared at you as you shook your head. “You did everything you could. She said it herself, you’re the best dad. She loves you so much, Joel, I can feel it.” His chest shook, and he was silent, breathing heavily as he absorbed your words. You rested your hand atop the one on his chest, slotting your fingers in-between his. His heartbeat thudded aggressively against his sternum, vibrating against your hands.

He squeezed your fingers painfully tight, closing his eyes. “I wish I could just—” he gasped quietly, voice rattling. “Wish I could see her, need to see her.”

You dropped to your knees, pressing your back against his shoulder and cradling him in your arms as he shook. You pressed your hand firmer against his.

“Right here,” you whispered. “This is where it is – her love for you. She’s here, every single day, every second, you just have to let yourself feel it.”

“I don’t know how,” he said desperately. You soothed him quietly, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead as he leant heavier against you. “I don’t think I can.”

“You can,” you murmured against his hair, feeling the way his shoulders sagged with exhaustion. “I’m here, let me help you.”

For a while, the pair of you stayed like that. Resting on the carpet in his daughter’s bedroom, leaning against each other’s as a thick silence blanketed you.

You didn’t move a muscle until he said he wanted to leave, and watched him pack the things he’d found into a bag, keenly aware of the way he slid the card between the pages of a thick book and tucked it into the bag as well, careful not to crease it.

Joel was quiet as you left the house, quiet as you untied the horses. Quiet as he rode down the street, with you a few paces behind, heading away from the cul-de-sac, the broken-down houses, Curtis and Viper 2, and the pictures on Sarah’s bedroom wall. For a few days, he didn’t say much at all, and most nights on the trip back to Jackson, as the pair of you settled in your sleeping bags to rest, he would look. He would wait until he thought you were asleep, and then you’d hear him take the book out of his bag, flipping through the pages until he found the birthday card, so he could read her words once more.

And you weren’t naïve. You knew that a part of him would forever be broken, after Sarah’s death. A hole in his heart that nothing and no one could mend – not a second daughter, nor a relationship. But so long as you lived, you knew you would be there, right behind him. To hold him and remind him to feel that love; to breathe it in, to savour Sarah’s love and kindness in his heart, in the hopes that remembering the light would help shut out a little of the darkness.

[romana-after-dark]

The Wrong Way: Chapter 5

Dark!Joel Miller x Fem!Reader Tommy Miller x reader (secondary)

Masterlist

Spotify playlist

Summery: You are sold to Joel to clear up some of your fathers' debts, and he takes you back to his house where him, Tommy, and high ranking members of his raiding trope stay. Joel is mean, cruel, and hash, but had small moments of softness that confuse you in your venerable state. Over time, you get to know him and Tommy, and see different sides of each, an both are hiding secrets. Was it possible to fall in love under these circumstances? Or was that just another way Joel was fucking with you?

Aka: my mom sold me to One Direction

WARNINGS FOR FULL FIC, NOT CHAPTER BY CHAPTER UNLESS SOMETHING NEW IS ADDED AFTER MASTER WARNING LIST: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT!!!! Fic contains graphic depictions of sexual assault, rape, molestation, dubcon/non con. Blow Jobs, PIV sex, lose of virginity, sex trafficking, past incest, death/people dying everywhere, Stockholm syndrome, falling for your rapist, victim blaming, torcher, branding, physical abuse, rape (not Joel), somno, dub con on tommy? idk he's not really into it but feels like he has to, self-harm/depression/suicidal thoughts (not a lot) but fair warning, major age gaps, love triangle, pregnancy/birth, threats of abortion, major character death

New character alert! Face claim, of course, is Oscar Isaac, specifically his look in Drive 🥰

****************

Dandelion

A million little wishes float across the sky

But it's a waste of breath and it's a waste of time I know

Cause just like him, you always leave me cryin' dandelion~Danelion, Kacey Musgraves

“So then Luke goes to Dangobah to find Yoda”

“Wait, whose Yoda? Is that another Jedee?”

“Jedi, but yes”

“Why?”

“Old Ben told him to”

“Isn’t he dead?”

“Yes, but he came to Luke at the start of this movie?”

“What? When?”

“When Luke was in the cave”

“Are we sure he wasn’t hallucinating?”

“I- No, no it was Ben. Jedi can come back in visions, like ghosts”

“Well, that’s awfully convenient”

“The force makes a lot of things convenient”

Joel was doing as he promised, explaining the Star Wars movies you had never had a chance to watch so you could understand the collection of comics he had found. You weren’t particularly interested in the comics, but they seemed to excite him, so you were going to read them, hoping to continue in conversation about it. This was the first time you two had talked about anything other than The Horrors for longer than a short back and forth, in fact, this was the only piece of personality or hints of before he had given you, the rest you had gleaned from Tommy. Joel was curled up with you on your mattress, having held you close all day yesterday and last night, and after what happened with Nick, after all Joel did for you, you happily accepted it. Joel had been soft before, absolutely, but not like this, and never this long… it bordered on Tommy territory. Slowly, you noticed little similarities, small phrases or mannerism that said yeah, these two are brothers, despite the drastic differences.

He played with your hair as he laid with you, tender in his touch, it was damn near domestic you almost forget where you are.

“Do you wanna go outside? Go for a walk?” Joel asks, his voice strangely soft in your ear.

You can’t help but smile at that. “That would be nice, thank you.”

Joel instructs you to stay put, and goes into his room and comes back with shoes he must’ve gotten and kept hidden from you; you’d get farther if you ran away wearing shoes. He knelt down beside you, lacing them up and tying them for you. He, of course held your hand tightly the entire time.

He asked if you wanted to see him. You knew what he meant.

Joel had kept him strung up, hanging from the oak tree, and although you had seen many horrific things in your short time on this god forsaken planet, the sight of a man you knew, hanged, skinned and swaying in the crisp spring Wyoming breeze… this was one of the worst. Somehow, however, you couldn’t find yourself feeling any guilt. Nick had done what he did knowing full well what Joel was capable of. The risk he took was calculated, but like you, it seems he couldn’t do math.

You felt Joel slide up behind you, unsurprisingly hard, no doubt recalling last night as his hands slide around your middle, his lips beginning to graze your neck and you couldn't help but remember how he had fucked you while telling you the graphic things he had done to your rapist.. “Do you still wanna cut off his dick?” He nudges your eyes to Joel’s switchblade still in Nick’s heart.

The idea was sexy while Joel was fucking you, but the reality of it was, frankly... Icky. “Can you?”

He kisses your cheek. “Happily.” Joel directs you, his long arms reach around, taking the blade out of his naked body and, with the aid of rigor mortis, he swiftly cut off the bastards dick. Stabbing the switchblade back into Nicks cold chest, Nick’s cock between the blade and his skin. “Feeling better, little one?” His arms are quickly back to you, the hand that held the switchblade playing above the line of your sweatpants. 

“Yes, Joel” You sighed, leaning your head back into him as his hand went between your legs. You did feel better actually. The whole situation you were in was fucked, but you did feel better…

He began finger fucking you, and although you realize he hadn’t washed his hands since skinning Nick, you weren't bothered. You were about to fuck about two feet away from a rotting corpse... “Let's go back to the house.”

“No” You whispered, and Joel looked at you curiously. “Here.” You get yourself situated against the tree trunk, and you swore you heard Joel chuckle; he had you whipped.

“Good girl” He adjusted you as needed, you brace against the tree Nick was hanging from, his body feet from you, and Joel pushed your ass out, pulling down your pants before slamming into you. “Good fucking girl” He pace was immediately hard and fast, and at this angle you swore…

“Joel.”

He didn’t stop. “Hm?“

You grab his hand, placing it over your stomach, where he could very very clearly feel himself entering you, his hard cock protruding out your stomach. “You feel that Joel?”

The hand on your hip was painfully tight, he growled and bite into your neck. “Fuck, fuck baby, you like me pounding you like this? Out in the open where anyone can see you?”

“Yes” You whine, having to  rest your face on the rough bark, sweat prickling at your skin even in the cold, his hands making you feel so, so warm. “I know you’ll protect me”

He moved one hand to the tree trunk, protecting your face from the scratches, his other moving to your clit, although right now you were certain he could make you cum just from just dick right now. “I’ll always protect you, little girl, always. Won’t let nothing bad happen to you ever again.” The irony was clearly lost on him, seeing as most of your suffering was at his hands but, fuck, if it wasn’t starting to get lost on you too… He was so tender when he wanted to be, the good was so, so good, and the sex… fucking hell. He pulled your ass out a little more and suddenly you were blinded, a brand new feeling making you cry out “Right there, pretty girl? Stay still, I’ll take care of you. Look at him” Joel turned your face to the decomposing body next to you. “Look at him, little one, I’ll always take care of you”

Why did this always make you feel so fucking warm? “I know, Joel, I know, J-Joel, fuck!” You rest your face fully on his large, veiny hand, protecting you from the tree, protecting you from Nick, protecting you from everything…

For a few weeks, things go better than they had been for years. Sex with Joel kept getting better and better, and he was opening up more. Not much from before, just little bits like telling you the plots of his favorite movies… you hadn’t been in his room, nor Tommy’s… Tommy had shifted a bit too. He was more and more affectionate with you, with the door closed of course… He held you in his arms, missing you brother, or when you called out to him in the middle of the night from nightmares and he pulled you onto his lap and cradled you when you cried… sometimes he went away from days on work as trusting more that Joel wouldn’t hurt you again and none of the men would dare. You were on dangerous waters, you knew, but sometimes you could only sleep when you smelled Tommy’s skin… but again, dangerous.

That’s why, when no one came into your room with breakfast, or lunch, or to spend time with you or fuck you… you were worried. Not as worried as you were when the door finally opened and a new face appeared with food.

You scramble to stand up, images of Nick and early days of Joel flashing in your head, and you open your mouth to scream for Tommy, but he cuts you off.

“Relax, sweetheart, Nick’s body is still rotting out there, I’m not tryna match him.” He spoke with a thick accent you’d heard before; your brother, Zach, had said it was from somewhere east, one of the big cities, but wasn’t sure where. 

“What do you want?” You ask, still shaking.

He set down the food. “Tommy’s paying me to feed you today”

You narrow your eyes at the sandwich. “You’re not doing very well, missed a meal.”

He shrugged with a small, smug smile. “Didn’t pay me enough for that.” He watched you still eying the food suspiciously “You wanna talk to him?”

“Where is he? Where’s Joel…” You can’t imagine they would let a random man in your room if one was able to do this…

“Food poisoning, we think.” 

You look at the sandwich again. “I’m not eating that”

He laughed, obnoxiously loud. “Smart girl. Come on, you can make yourself something” He nudged out the door.

You couldn’t help perk up at that. You get to leave? You get to make your own food? You weren’t sure who the man was, but you were happy to take the little bit of independence. You wouldn’t do anything that would make Joel mad, just put together a sandwich or heat up some soup! How strange your life had become that these were the little pleasures. 

The man watched you intently as you managed to make some soup. He was short; taller than you still, but short none the less, a few inches under Tommy. His hair was buzzed as was his beard, dark hair to match dark skin, and large eyes that watched you like a bug.

It was fun, cooking again… You had rather enjoyed when you still were living with your dad, your mom taught you well, you were a good cook… you wondered if Joel might let you cook more… you save soup for them when they were feeling better, maybe they’d like it enough you could continue? You toast some bead on a frying pan, demand (well, ask, but with a little force) to see Joel.

When you tentatively peaked through the cracked door and Joel saw you, his eyes went wide and you saw he was about to get up, no doubt thinking you got loose, so you opened the door to reveal the strange new man you hadn’t seen around the house before. “It’s okay, he’s with me. I wanted to check on you… can I come in?” Joel lays back down, tentatively, obviously not thrilled about being seen in a vulnerable position. He was clearly sick, his tanned skin looking pale, his eyes bleary and you couldn’t help but feel bad for him… even as you placed your hand on your hip, feeling the JM etched into your skin… a reminder of what he could do… You kneel down before him with the toast. “Can you try and eat some of this for me?”

He shakes his head. “I feel like shit”

Opting to sit by him, you gently play with his hair. He looked so young like this… “I know, sweetie… but you gotta try and eat… keep up your strength. Toast won’t be so bad on your stomach…” You try to coax, and look up to see the man watching you, eying you… was he confused, wondering how the little kidnapped girl was playing nurse to her capture… but he wouldn’t understand. You weren’t sure you could explain it yourself… but this was the position you were in, and you were doing what you could…

“What are you doing?” He grumbles, taking a small bite.

“I’m helping you”

“Why”

Great question. “Because you help me”

“I hurt you” another bite.

You were taken aback by that, absolutely… he was right, he did… “But you can also be so, so good to me.”

He wouldn’t look at you. “I don’t deserve you” 

You sigh, just a little bit… deserve wouldn’t be the word… but you wouldn’t say he didn’t deserve you… he was good to you, wasn’t he? He fed you, brought you nice things, little treats, he treated you good in bed… maybe he deserved you? He did everything right… how you got here didn’t really matter, and he was right, months ago, this was better than the strange men that mouth raped you and beat you senseless… he took you away from all that, he made a better life for you… in a way, he saved you.

“You do deserve me, Joel.” You kiss his forehead, hair stuck to it with sweat from the food poisoning. “I’m gonna check on Tommy, then I’ll be back to nurse you back to health, okay?”

Joel smiled at that. “Okay, little one”

A groggy Tommy looked at you and the man, then flopped his head back down on his pillow. “I see you met Lorenzo”

So that was his name. “Yeah, when he finally decided to bring me food.”

Tommy groans. “I told you to feed her, not bring her here”

Getting on the bed, you brush Tommy’s long hair away from his face. “It’s fine, I saw Joel, he’s okay with it as long as he watches me.”

Tommy couldn’t even open his eyes. “I feel awful, honey. Fucking awful. Never eating chicken again”

You can’t help but laugh a bit as he groaned on about how much he ‘odia pollo’ as you coax him into eating a bit of toast.

You spend the day helping the Millers feel better, whipping their faces with a cool clothes, feeding them bites they could eat, cleaning up the bowls they puked in, all while Lorenzo trailed around you, no doubt in charge of making sure you didn’t run away… you couldn’t help but admit you like this, you liked taking care of them, even if you couldn’t be as affectionate with Tommy as you wanted to. The other men, it seems, were all out sick, leaving just you and Lorenzo, and of course, like everything, it was a deliberate move… There were no coincidences.

Of all the things you expected to see as you rounded the corner back to the kitchen after having left Tommy’s side, your brother was not one of them.

“Zach.” He was alive, Joel didn’t kill him… but how had Tommy not known- oh. Tommy knew. He had to have, as did Joel. They would have begun collecting from your dad again, they had no know...

He rushed over to you, taking you in his loving arms that held you so many times before, whispering your name. “Thank god you’re okay”

You blink, brain still trying to catch up. “Wha- what are you doing here?”

Zach begins to pull you away, towards the door. “I’m rescuing you, we’re leaving”

Leaving? To go where? No doubt he had a plan, but he had no idea, no idea what happened, what things were like now, how bad they had been but it had gotten so, so much better. You stop. “Zach wait!” You whisper harshly, and he turns around at you, confused.

“I have somewhere to go, I got a plan, it’s okay, everything will be fine, I promise” 

You believed he believed it… but there were 1000 things in your head right now. First, if you leave and Joel finds you… he might actually kill you, but the things he would do to you if he didn’t were much worse. Secondly, “He’ll kill you, Zach.”

“He won’t catch-”

“He won’t let me go! He won’t drop it! He will hunt me down as long as it takes and skin you alive like the last man!” 

You could see the fear in his eyes as he hushed you, grabbing your arm. “Shut up, or he’ll kill us both! Just, god, just trust me. No one will notice until morning, we’ll be hours ahead.”

You stayed firmly in place… there was the third reason you wanted to stay… the fact you’d grown comfortable here, the fact you were, despite your better judgment, falling in love with both of the men here and- wait, where was Lorenzo? “I can’t, Zach. You don’t know what he’s capable of”

Rolling his eyes like only a brother would, he tugged you. “Of course I-”

You pull down your pants just enough on the side, revealing the brand. “He did this the last time I tried to leave, fucked me on the table in front of all the other men, then left me there for them to all rape!” You didn’t tell him that Tommy had saved you, that Tommy had tucked you in and how tenderly Joel had treated you the next day, how both had bandaged you up, cared for you, even though you had been so bad. “It’s calmed down, he doesn’t hurt me, I have more freedom… I don’t want to throw this away”

Zach was panged, desperate, eyes watering as he tried to take you away from what you knew he thought of as your hell, but was truly where you had felt most at home since your mothers death. “I won’t let him hurt you again, I’ll protect you.”

“Like you protected me against dad?” It came out fast than you’d expected, no chance to block it… it wasn’t fair, you couldn’t and didn’t blame Zach for that but it was true. Joel saved you, cared for you, Joel killed men that hurt you… Joel wasn’t who you needed to be protected from, Joel was the one who protected you. You yank your hand away from your crying brother. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, I don’t blame you… but I’m staying”

He opened his mouth to argue, but all that came out was a desperate 'please'. You shake your head. You belonged with the Millers now. “You change your mind, you find a way to escape, I’ll be at the ranch, and I swear to god I will keep you safe this time.”

Now you were crying too as you went to hug him. “Thank you, Zach” Alone in the kitchen, you back up against the fridge, sink down, and cry, cry, cry… keep crying until Lorenzo appeared in the doorway

“You’re a fucking idiot, you know that?”

 Of course. Of course you didn’t avoid the shitshow. “Okay so you saw that. You gonna tell Joel, rank up, get whatever it is you want.” You sniffle as he leans against the doorway, crossing his arms. 

“No, I already got my payment for this shitshow“ You look up at him, wet and puffy eyes telling him to go on. “He paid me to give everyone food poisoning so you guys could leave, and you fucking wasted it. No skin off my back, but Jesus. You know, pre-outbreak, we had a word for girls like you, who stayed with men who beat them”

“Joel doesn’t-”

“You wanna know what that word is?”

You sigh. “Wha-”

“Dumb bitches”

Lorenzo was pissing you the fuck off, but there was something else that was pushing your repressed anger up… You stand, shoving Lorenzo aside and storm down the hall to Tommy’s room, bursting in.

He smiled lazily up at you as you close the door. “Hey honey, the tea helped-”

“You fucking knew” Pointing dramatically at his sick figure on the bed, you watch the confusion on his face. “What? What did I know?”

“That my brother is alive, asshole!”

As he slowly realizes whats happening, he forces himself to sit up, despite the dizziness and nausea, his hand open palmed and out towards you. “Okay, just relax, tell me what happ-”

You were angrier that perhaps you had a right to be, feeling betrayed and hurt by the man you had trusted, however foolishly. “Don’t use your ‘Calm down Joel’ voice on me! You knew my brother was alive and you didn’t tell me!”

He almost argues. He almost says no, no I didn’t know, this is news to me too… but you’ve already figured it out. “If you knew he was alive, you’d try to leave again, and you’d get caught, and God knows what he’ll do to you if you run away” his eyes were pleading with you to understand, but he was not asking for forgiveness… you knew he’d do it again.

You step closer. “How many times did you hold me while I cried, missing him, wanting him-”

“That’s just it!” He stands now, towering over you, but you know him better than to think it’s a threat, so you don’t back away and simply look up at him, glaring. “You wanted to be with him, and I couldn’t let that happen”

“So you kept me away from my family, because you’d miss me?”

“No it’s because you’d be dead!”

You shake your head, not quite believing his motivations… “I don’t think so. I think you want to stay because you just want me here so you can play knight in shining armor”

Wide-eyed and hurt, he looks down at you. “No, that’s not it-”

In your anger, you shove him; it doesn’t go very far considering his sturdy stance and strong shoulders, but the action caused what you wanted it to. It hurt his feelings. “Fuck you, Tommy”

Tommy put his hands on your shoulders, not backing down despite the wave of nausea threatening him. “Honey, I swear to you, I’m just trying to help, all I wanted to do this whole time was help you.”

Tears welled up in your eyes, but you couldn’t pull away from his touch yet; you never could. “Fuck. You!”

Frustration boiled over before the vomit did. “What is the big deal! Joel knew too!” At that, he gently pushed you back as he dropped to his knees, violently throwing up in his trash can, his whole body wracked into heaves. He did the hard part for you; you weren't sure if you were strong enough to disengage his touch.

You watch him, wanting so badly to kneel by his side, to rub his back and keep his hair out of the puke as you had done all day today… but you couldn’t. You need to have something, something, for your anger to hold onto, even if it was Tommy, even if it was just for a night. “You are the one I was supposed to trust!” You scream, not caring who heard you. “I was supposed to be able to believe in you, but you held me as I screamed, and cried and you didn’t tell me! Fuck! You!” Your face was soaked as you screamed, screamed at Tommy for every rape, every violation, every beating and branding that he had only every tried to save you from, and took it out on him for one small thing that he actually did. Because he was Tommy, because he was supposed to be different. 

And because he was Tommy, he let you. 

You slammed the door when you left. 

Lorenzo was in the hall, watching you with crossed arms as you left Tommy for Joel’s room, muttering again about you being a dumb bitch, but you don't care.

Joel’s room was dark; he didn’t open his eyes, and for a moment you thought he was asleep and began to retreat away when he spoke. 

“Come on in, little one”

You slink through the door, closing it behind you. “Can I sleep here tonight?”

He opened his eyes at that. Today was the first day you had even seen his room, did he even want you in it? You watched him consider, before opening up his blanket for you. With a smile, you crawl in, and he tightly wraps you up in the blanket and his arms where you were growing more and more comfortable.

“Everything okay? I heard yell’n. Couldn’t tell if I was dream’n or not.” He asked, sleepily, nestling his face into your neck.

You considered the options… best to not lie completely. Safe and secure in Joel, despite the chaos of today, you began to relax in him. “Yeah, Tommy just pissed me off, that's all” 

You could feel Joel smile against your skin.

****************

Not nearly as high drama as the last few by next week we're back!!!

I've seen a few of you saying you have theories and i want you to know I WANNA HERE ALL YOU'RE THEORIES!!!! Drop them in my ask box so i can share them with the class and everyone csn share their thoughts!

Also as I stated above, I GOT A PLAYLIST GOING! if you have a song you think matches, comment or send in an ask and ill add it if i think t fits!

Also, i've moved to 10 chapters + the alt ending for the series! I'd love to here all thoughts and theories you have <3

Thank you alllllll for the reblogs and all the kind words!!!! It really means the world to me

LMK if you'd like to join the tag list!

@my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @howaboutcastiel @tidlewav3 @bunnnyy-dummy @slutfortimotheechalamet @foggymoonbanana @dinsbaby @miraclesabound @jenna-ortega @primosworld @marclovers @threeheadedlamb @secretwriterpp @the-fox-den

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[nowhereisnearmyhome]

The Cowboy by James Tate

source and transcript under the cut

Someone had spread an elaborate rumor about me, that I was in possession of an extraterrestrial being, and I thought I knew who it was. It was Roger Lawson. Roger was a practical joker of the worst sort, and up till now I had not been one of his victims, so I kind of knew my time had come. People parked in front of my house for hours and took pictures. I had to draw all my blinds and only went out when I had to. Then there was a barrage of questions. “What does he look like?” “What do you feed him?” “How did you capture him?” And I simple denied the presence of an extraterrestrial in my house. And, of course, this excited them all the more. The press showed up and started creeping around my yard. It got to be very irritating. More and more came and parked up and down the street. Roger was working overtime on this one. I had to do something. Finally, I made an announcement. I said, “The little fellow died peacefully in his sleep at 11:02 last night.” “Let us see the body,” they clamored. “He went up in smoke instantly,” I said. “I don’t believe you,” one of them said. “There is no body in the house or I would have buried it myself,” I said. About half of them got in their cars and drove off. The rest of them kept their vigil, but more solemnly now. I went out and bought some groceries. When I came back about an hour later another half of them had gone. When I went into the kitchen I nearly dropped the groceries. There was a nearly transparent fellow with large pink eyes standing about three feet tall. “Why did you tell them I was dead? That was a lie,” he said. “You speak English,” I said. “I listen to the radio. It wasn’t very hard to learn. Also we have television. We get all your channels. I like cowboys, especially John Ford movies. They’re the best,” he said. “What am I going to do with you?” I said. “Take me to meet a real cowboy. That would make me happy,” he said. “I  don’t know any real cowboys, but maybe we could find one. But people will go crazy if they see you. We’d have press following us everywhere. It would be the story of a century,” I said. “I can be invisible. It’s not hard for me to do,” he said. “I’ll think about it. Wyoming or Montana would be our best bet, but they’re a long way from here,” I said. “Please, I won’t cause you any trouble,” he said. “It would take some planning,” I said. I put the groceries down and started putting them away. I tried not to think of the cosmic meaning of all this. Instead, I treated him like a smart little kid. “Do you have any sarsaparilla?” he said. “No, but I have some orange juice. It’s good for you,” I said. He drank it and made a face. “I’m going to get the maps out,” I said. “We’ll see how we could get there.” When I came back he was dancing on the kitchen table, a sort of ballet, but very sad. “I have the maps,” I said. “We won’t need them. I just received word. I’m going to die tonight. It’s really a joyous occasion, and I hope you’ll help me celebrate by watching The Magnificent Seven,” he said. I stood there with the maps in my hand. I felt an unbearable sadness come over me. “Why must you die?” I said. “Father decides these things. It is probably my reward for coming here safely and meeting you,” he said. “But I was going to take you to meet a real cowboy,” I said. “Let’s pretend you are my cowboy,” he said.

[ssaflorencem]

The Thrill of kill you| BAU x Unsub Reader

summary: This is all from Hotchs POV. Mentions of SA (not graphic). Mentions of murder. Cat Adams is brought up in this chapter.

Chapter three: No distance left to run:

Everyone wanted this case to be over and done with. We had just caught Cat Adams, and everyone was still very protective over Garcia and Reid. However, whoever was killing these men wasn’t targeting us, but rather people they thought were guilty of certain crimes. Garcia was keeping tracks to see if any other murders were happening with the same motive, but nothing so far.

 

We all kept going over evidence, no stone was going unturned. All these men were killed in wooded areas, places that people would normally go hunting. Their bodies weren’t hidden, but they weren’t placed in plain sight. The killer obviously wanted the bodies to be found, but not to quickly so they had time to escape. The person who was doing this was very skilled, they knew everything they needed to know before killing and once they had completed the job, they just left.

“Hotch, what are the chances that this person is just a hitman? I mean, all these men had targets on their back.” Asked Emily.

 

“It’s possible,” I replied, “but the fact that all the victims were accused of sexual assault leads me to believe that this is personal for the killer.”

 

We continued to brainstorm, trying to find any possible lead that we could follow. I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were missing something crucial, something that could break the case wide open. And then it hit me – we had been so focused on finding the killer in Montana that we hadn’t considered the possibility that there could be multiple killers.

 

“Garcia, can you look into the possibility of there being more than one killer?” I asked.

 

“Already on it, boss,” Garcia replied.

 

Days passed as we waited for Garcia’s results. We continued to work on the case, but it felt like we were just going through the motions. Then, finally, Garcia came through with a breakthrough.

 

“Okay, so here’s the deal,” Garcia said excitedly. “I did some digging and found out that there’s a slight possibility that we are looking for two people, but I doubt it. Each murder, apart from one, is done the exact same way, no changes. But there is one, a Mr O’Stevens, from around five years ago. His wife received a letter from the killer telling her what her husband had done and that she would never see her husband alive again. After, no more letters. I think the first kill was personal, but now the killer is seeking revenge for other victims.”

 

My mind was reeling from Garcia's revelation. It made sense. The first kill was personal, but the subsequent murders were done in revenge for other victims of sexual assault. The killer was taking matters into their own hands, seeking justice for those who couldn't get it through the legal system.

 

We needed to track down this killer or killers before they struck again. We started reviewing all the evidence, looking for any connections or patterns that we might have missed. We needed to catch a break in the case, and soon.

 

As we were going through the evidence, we received a call from a local police department in Wyoming. They had just found the body of a man who had been accused of sexual assault. He had been killed in the same way as the other victims. The killer was on the move again.

 

We knew then that we had to act fast. The unsub did not wait around, we knew they weren’t going to be in this state for very long and we had no idea which state they would next show up in.

 

We mobilized the team and rushed to the scene in Wyoming, hoping to catch a glimpse of the killer or any clues that might lead us to them. The crime scene was in a remote area, deep in the woods. As we approached, we could see the flashing lights of the police cars and the yellow tape cordoning off the area. The body had already been removed, but we needed to see the scene for ourselves to get a sense of what we were dealing with.

 

We stepped out of the car and were immediately hit with the smell of pine and death. The forest was quiet, as if it was holding its breath, waiting for us to make a move. We approached the scene, flashing our badges to the officers guarding the perimeter. They let us in, and we started to look around.

 

There nothing out of the ordinary. The crime scene looked like every other one. This unsub was good, professional and knew how to escape undetected. They weren’t going to make it easy for us, and there were most definitely going to more bodies in the future.

 

I couldn't help but feel frustrated. We were running out of time. There was no telling when the killer would strike again or where they would target their next victim. We needed to find something, anything, that would give us a lead on the unsub.

 

As we were searching the area, Reid suddenly shouted, "Hey, guys! Over here!"

 

We all rushed over to where he was, and he pointed to the ground. There, amidst the dirt and leaves, was a small piece of paper.

 

I picked it up and examined it closely. It was a note, written in messy handwriting. It read: "Justice for the victims. More will come. You can't stop me."

 

This was the first time the unsub had done something like this, and they were smart. It wasn’t handwritten, there was no evidence of fingerprints on the paper. Why would they start this now though? Did they want to be caught; did they know we were after them?

 

We needed to act fast before the killer struck again. We knew that this note was a taunt, a challenge to us from the killer. They were telling us that they were unstoppable and that they would continue to take justice into their own hands. We could not let that happen. 

 

As we returned to the FBI field office, the team held a meeting to discuss the new development. There was a sense of urgency in the room, with everyone determined to find the killer before they could strike again. We knew now that this was not just a case of a single killer seeking revenge, but rather a group of individuals who were acting as vigilantes.

————————————————————————

Taglist:

@marvelwoman-sugarbaby

@ellieslver

[talesfrommedinastation]

My redneck neighbor Doug watches 'The Return'

Doug and I have made up for our disagreement regarding Montana. I did not, in fact, go to his St Patrick's Day party (due to the fact I was busy with my daughter's Scout pack being in the parade), but we bonded over the insane weather in our region recently.

He had a lot of strong opinions on this, and it was a little scattered. Kind of like most TV shows, I guess.

CW: Doug Doug's on and continues to have Feelings about Certain Geographic Locations. Enjoy!

---------------------------------

Episode 4: “Redneck Family Bonding”

You know how I know them clone boys is from Florida?

Because the show opens to Little Orphan Blonde sleeping in their busted work van wearing a puka shell necklace while her brother Daddy Warcrimes is shooting fruit on the beach all while their adopted mutant dog chases critters away from the trash can.

Yup. Average day in Florida. 

Of course Daddy Rambo is sitting on the ledge, watching Daddy Warcrimes and mumbling to himself. Do you think he peeps on the neighbors in the other part of Space Daytona? He totally does. Daddy Rambo, you need a girlfriend, make that fruity robot wear a skirt and take it out on a date or something. 

Hell YEAH, my boy Toaster Strudel is BACK! Look at him hugging everyone. Good man. Love him. Why is Daddy Warcrimes still wearing that fisherman sweater, is it St. Patrick’s Day still? Where’s Rex? Oh well. 

And they’re chilling out on Hoops’s porch, chugging the man’s liquor and eating his sushi. I would, too. Oh man, they’re referencing Ryan-from-Accounting. I’m sad now. Where’s Church Lady? Probably realized she was too good for Ryan-from-Accounting, or maybe she found his bitch wife Laura and now they wine buddies. I guess. 

Aw, Mutant Jimmers is friends with the monkeys. God damn, I love Mutant Jimmers. 

No one can hack into the iPad Little Orphan Blondie took from her internship at the Museum of Science and Industry. Little Orphan Blondie’s a kid, make the kid do it! All kids know how iPads work! 

They still kept Daddy Warcrimes’s armor with the Georgia colors and the skulls! And that’s why Daddy Rambo won’t look at him–look at Daddy Rambo’s colors, man’s a Gator fan and the SEC decides everything now don’t it. 

So…they’re going back to Space Wyoming? Oh man, I remember this dump. I hope they threw THAT BLOND JACKASS’S body in a dumpster and let the bears eat it. 

Back to the walk-in refrigerator where Daddy Warcrimes hung out with….oh. Oh. Sassy Park Ranger. Oh. But hey they found an ATM! How else are they gonna buy weed out here? 

You know it’s a redneck family vacation because someone’s gotta get out of the trailer and turn on the circuit breaker cause there’s no power and they gotta watch the Saints play. At least they ain’t hot wiring the HMS Search Warrant to power shit up. Actually, it would be great if they did–that’s some redneck engineering right there and it’s good bonding for those angry boys. 

Oh the daddy fight! Daddy Warcrimes and Daddy Rambo need the therapy and they ain’t gonna get it so they gonna do what rednecks do when they upset and need to talk…go outside the trailer and scream and shove each other while the dog barks at everything. Someone needs to trip on a rusty rake now. I feel like I’m watching my own family on Christmas.

Of course, turning off the power means the critters are coming! Is it gonna be a snow gator? No? Oh man it’s one of them worms from that sand movie that Bobbie Lee keeps talking about! 

Go go Daddy Warcrimes go! Save Daddy Rambo! 

Once again, they rednecks, because nothing solves a problem like shooting a gun repeatedly into the ground. Don’t none of these folks have a taser? Some bear mace? Come on, there’s a Wal Mart on Space Daytona I know there is. 

Mutant Jimmers is helping everyone out! Go Mutant Jimmers go! When does Mutant Jimmers get her own show? 

Toaster Strudel bitching at everyone as he gonna do. I agree Toaster Strudel, I agree. 

Man look at Little Orphan Blondie go and there’s Julio doing all the work while being chased by the snow critter. Why does every animal on earth wanna mate with Julio I swear to God. 

And they turned the power back on and boom no more critter chasing. This is the most redneck show I swear I’m watching a show about my idiot brother in law and his friends in Wyoming. 

Nothing brings the family together like going out to an abandoned trailer, searching for the power, shooting guns, getting chased by critters and a screaming shove-fight outside while the dog chases a big-assed animal away from the garbage. Yup. Space rednecks. They all need NASCAR shirts. 

Well, they got the iPad working again….back to Space Florida! And they all getting along.

Meat Muffin, why did this episode make me so happy?

Tagging Doug's fans because yes: @skellymom @cdblake1565 @megmca @sued134 @eyecandyeoz @amalthiaph @yeehawgeek @eelfuneral @thecoffeelorian @lightwise @archivistofnerddom @askyourfox @heavenseed76 @totallyunidentified

[blackroseguzzi]

TENDER pt. TWO

*Last chapter with backstory flashbacks*

Summery:

Unfortunate events lead to the meeting between you and Joel Miller, but the spark between you both ignited a fire. When Joel becomes worried he can’t give you what you deserve you both do and say things you’ll eventually regret- one particular incident leaves you with intense guilt and loneliness. You decide to strike up a deal with Marlene. You would bring that kid to where she needed to go as long as you could get information on Tommy, to secretly give to Joel. You hoped that would lead him to forgive you, and your disappearance wouldn’t be for nothing. Life had other plans, as you’re now bringing Ellie to the fireflies with Joel as your companion. After all, there was hope that your fragile and broken relationship might just be able to be fixed?

Your body stood in the alley way, watching him from afar. You felt a jolt of guilt wash through you. Was he going to understand why you had left when he inevitably discovered your disappearance? Would he even care after you barked out the information that you were holding in? Regardless of your feelings towards him these last few months, you at least felt like this would wash away the sinful feelings you held inside.

He grabs the ration cards from the FEDRA agent and stuffs them in his pocket, his head down as he watched his feet drag across the dusty sidewalk. 
Your blood ran cold when you suddenly realized how close you were to him now, a few more steps and he would bump right into you.

“Joel,” You meant it with much more force, but it came out just above a whisper. You hoped he hadn’t heard you, but as soon as his name escaped your lips his dark eyes found yours.

“Shit,” was all that you heard from his lips as he grabbed your arm and escorted you deeper down the alleyway.

You knew you had just cut off a deal that he was about to make. It was written all over his face. You dug your sneakers into the dirt pathway to stop his hurried movements as he clutched your arm. He twisted around at your sudden halt and you forcefully ripped your arm from his grasp.

“Hey, get your hands off me.”
Joel’s eyes narrowed as he wondered why you had seemingly sought him out in this alley way. After the day he had putting bodies in a burning pit, it was like the universe wanted to punish him as he stared into your forest green eyes. Eyes he used to get lost in.

“You need to get away from”-

“I have information on Tommy.” Your words had cut him off mid sentence. He quickly took a look around to make sure the two of you were alone.

“What do you mean? Ya know where he is?”

You stared into his deep brown eyes, some of the pain inside them was clearly something you had once caused.

“I talked to someone on the radio that told me he’s not with the fireflies anymore.” Joel held up a hand to stop you, shaking his head in distaste.

“How the hell you get this information? What did you trade?” He paused. “No. What did you sell?” His eyebrows came together in a point as he stared down at you.

Rolling your eyes you pushed his hand down from out of your face. “You know I have a lot more leverage working in the clinic than you think big guy. Rather then give me the 3rd degree would you like this information or not? I can walk on by and keep it to myself if you’d like.”

You watched his jaw clench and he nodded for you to continue.

“He’s West, somewhere in Wyoming,” You spoke. His face fell at your words. “Look, I know that’s not ideal but I know a guy with a truck battery. His name’s Robert, and he’s worked with Tess so she’ll be able to help you get it.” He was about to say something before your words filled the air again. “But the guy on the radio also told me I had to be careful if I go out looking for him. He wouldn’t go into detail, he just warmed me. I’m not sure if that means he doesn’t want to be found or..”

“Or he’s in trouble.” Joel finished.

Biting the inside of your cheek you took his hand and placed a small white folded piece of paper inside of it.

“I know things between us are unpleasant to say the least, but I care about Tommy too. I hope this heels the wound I made.”

Joel didn’t have time to respond. You quickly walked through the alleyway back to where you had came from. For a moment Joel considered following you, but instead he stared down at the piece of paper in his hands, careful as he unraveled it.

43°10′28″N 111°00′04″W -Freckles.

FLASHBACK

You knew that it took exactly three minutes to get to his building. Your heart was racing, and your lips dry and shirt stained with sweat and dirt. You couldn't just sit in your apartment and pace back and forth as the sun found its resting place. You had one hell of a day, a day not even the hottest of showers could wash off. You had to see him, even if it was risking curfew. You cursed to yourself as you lifted your fidgeting body off the cold couch, grabbing your coat and hat before slipping through the front door.

It took you one minute to stealthily decent the three floors of your building. Only one person passed you, and whatever happened during their day seemed to hold their attention as they walked slowly and depressingly past your quick figure. With your jacket hood and black hat keeping you camouflaged, you rushed past them and out of your cold musty building.

It takes you another 38-60 seconds to dip out of the apartment door and into the dark street past three FEDRA agents chatting quietly among themselves. The seconds depended on who those FEDRA agents were. It was another three minutes before you’re finally at his street corner. Your body heats up as you see the basement window of his building, wide open as if inviting you inside. You jog over, and without hesitation squeeze yourself through. Your feet landing with a small thud against a puddle of muddy rain water that covers the concrete flooring. You let out a burst of air from your lungs because you made it safe yet again. You usually put the fear of getting caught out of your mind until the task is done and the breath you didn’t realize you were holding was finally out.

Pushing the hood of your jacket down you make your way through the darkness. You knew these old buildings like the back of your hand. Finding the staircase to the first floor was nothing, but you also knew that being as quiet as you could be was your best and only option. Before you knew it you were up three stories and at his front of his door. The heat in your body rose quickly to your cheeks. If you bit any harder on your bottom lip you were going to draw blood. Before your better judgement could kick in your fist is knocking quickly at the stained apartment door.

It creeps open just a slit, and you see his dark eyes. At first they were curious as to who was at his door after curfew, but they softened when they focused on you. The door swings all the way open and he’s looking at you with wide eyes full of fear. He grabs your coat and yanks your body into his apartment before his head is wiping around the hallway making sure that someone hadn’t seen you. You almost opened your mouth to let him know that you were not new to sneaking out past curfew, but you didn’t say anything. The door suddenly slammed shut and you were now in the middle of his kitchen looking up at his now angry stature. Even though he looked upset with your actions, there was still that softness of his eyes as they scanned your body.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” His voice was hushed and your heart start beating a little faster. Your ears were certainly red as tomatoes under your hat.

“I don’t know,” you whispered back. You scanned his appearance. Clearly catching him fresh out of the shower and into a clean black shirt and a pair of dark gray sweatpants that had seen better days.

“Are you alright?” He took a step closer to you, his arm shot up to touch yours, but suddenly recoiled back as if he noticed the movement he was just about to make.

That was enough for you.

You quickly shed your coat, leaving it a heap on the floor before ripping the hat from your head and crashing your body against Joel’s. Your lips locking for the first time sent an electric shock through your body. His facial hair was rough, but you were surprised how soft his lips were. He moaned lightly as your tongues found each others. His rough hands squeezed your hips, which makes you pull back and look at him. His was staring at you with as much lust as you felt inside your heart. He wanted, no needed, this as much as you did.

“I’m better now, ” you whisper before you both melted into each other hungrily.

Flashback

You had always been someone who believed in good people and that positivity was key to success. You believed the sun shined everyday for a reason. Damn, you even believed all of that after your 16 year old self watched your Daddy jump across the dining room table and bite a chunk out of your Mother’s neck.

You were the middle of three siblings. Your younger sister, Willow, had died just 10 or so miles shy of what would soon become the Boston QZ. Smugglers had raided the old medic tents where you and your siblings had been living for the 5 years after the end of humanity. They took all the medical supplies you had, including Brooks, the older gentleman who had taken in your trio and showed you everything he knew of medicine from his time as an Army Medic. They tied him up as you begged for them to stop.

That day you learned that begging never changed anything, and you still take that lesson with you throughout life. Ethan was your older brother who took it upon you both to head towards the center of Boston after the devastating loss of your younger sister and father figure.

Boston meant more shelter, it was somewhere safe before you find a new permanent residence. Ethan was only 11 months older than you but he acted as if he had the whole world on his shoulders after blaming himself for not keeping you or Willow safe. He struggled with finding anything good left in the world.

He spiraled when Boston soon shut out everyone from the outside world around them. Boston QZ was forming and Ethan’s mental health was failing. It shifted drastically when they met Tess, and he began smuggling. You were thrown into working at the Boston clinic with your knowledge in medicine. Although, Ethan and Tess had shown you a lot about trading and smuggling goods as well. You usually only traded pain meds for things like abortion pills and Birth control for struggling women who were either being raped by guards or in a domestic violence situation.

Ethan was killed on a run with Tess just two years after the QZ had formed. It was 4 years after that when you stitched up Joel Millers head wound.

It was the first time you had even met the man. You had been close to his brother, Tommy for a few months. The two of you had met at the FEDRA clinic while Tommy was there dropping off supplies.

He had the most welcoming accent, and he made you laugh.

“Whats even in this thing anyways?” He asked as he dropped a heavy cardboard box down in front of you. Carefully opening it, you pulled out a few random assortments of cloth and a package of gauze. Tommy bent down and grab a small plier looking tool from the box.

“Do I even wanna know what this thang does?” He held it up, moving it around to inspect it closer.

You giggled lightly and took it from his hands. “That’s a umbilical cord clamp. This box should go upstairs, we don’t have many births come through the clinic…anymore.”

He watched your face fall, knowing that the Boston QZ had become a place unsuitable for children and even worse for mothers.

“Hey, you hear about those babies that were born before - you know, the ones in them high tech rooms?” He leaned his body against the door frame and crossed his arms. You raised her eyebrows at him, wondering what the hell this random man was talking about.

“No…?” You answered questioningly.

“They were born cordless.”
His smile spread across his whole face, and you could tell he was extremely proud of his joke. Sure it was funny, but the smile on your face was because you had finally found someone in this horrible world that still had that shine in them, exactly like the one you still harbored. He too, thought the sun shined everyday for a reason.

PRESENT DAY

You made it back to your apartment building. Busting through the door your first destination was to your bedroom. You scooped up an old brown backpack from the floor and headed towards the dresser. As you stuffed useful items in your bag you started to feel the sweat beading on your forehead. You really needed to hurry the fuck up. Time was getting away from you and you were certainly supposed to be back to Marlene’s hideout by now. The detour to find Joel had really pressed you for time to gather the materials you needed to get Ellie to where she needed to go. Running over to the nightstand you pulled out your gun, emptying the bullets into the front pocket of your backpack before zipping it up. One more thing, you reminded yourself. The stack of ration cards from the side of her bed. The kitchen was your next stop for the few items of food you still had.

Once you were done you took one last look around your lonely apartment. Your eye caught a flannel on the back of the couch. It had been there for months, untouched. You remembers when he took it off, and you remembered that he had left it there on purpose… a reason for returning. Except he never did, and it bit at you to know that it was partially your fault. Taking in in a breath you sprinted over and retrieved the flannel and threw it around your waist before exiting the apartment. The creaky door shut for the last time and you slide the ration cards under your neighbors door. He was 68 years old-and he deserved them more than you ever did.

“THE FUCK TOOK YOU SO LONG?” Marlene’s voice shot out as you entered the abandoned building she was hiding out in.

“You try hiding from FEDRA agents on the street after not showing up at the clinic. I had to take every side alley and then some. Give me a fucking break,” You hissed back, throwing your bag onto the table so that Marlene could examine what you had packed, making sure everything on you wasn’t about to kill her.

“The gun stays with me for now.” She pushes it in the waistband of her pants before sliding the backpack back towards you.

You rolled your eyes, “Great.”

“She was asking for you after you left. Think you have a fan.” Marlene hinted towards the door. You grabbed your bag and made your way over to the door where you entered quickly.

“FUCK. I thought you died,” Ellie breathed out, relief flooding her face.

“Unfortunately for you, I’m still kickin’ it.” You replied, throwing your bag on the beat up couch before sliding your body down the side of the wall to sit beside your young companion. You both sat in silence for a few moments.

“Why are you doing this?” Ellie whispered, you could feel the heat of her stare burning into the side of your face.

The words came out soft and slow, “I made a deal with Marlene, remember?”

“Yeah, use the firefly radio and find out where Timmy was, then you’ll get me to where I need to go. BUT WHY?”

“Tommy.” You corrected her with a smirk. “Plus, it doesn’t matter, Ellie. A deal is a deal.”

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in, running your hands down your face. You didn’t want to explain everything to her. How you had found out Joel was doing dangerous things within the QZ and how you were the one to rat him out in front of his brother about his desperate attempt to to not only find his way out of this life, but to continue to be reckless no matter who loved him. You wanted to rant about the way you’d met Joel before Tommy had introduced the two of you because Tess had dragged you to his apartment to stitch up the wound he made while trying to shoot himself. To be fair, you didn’t know he was Tommy’s brother until weeks later. You wanted to explained How your words were the final straw that made Tommy’s decision to leave with the fireflies a very easy one. You owed this to Joel, the man who made you feel scary yet beautiful things you’d never felt before. You had hurt him and you wanted to make it right no matter what the cost. He had been your reason for getting up everyday for a long time, even if what you had was a well kept secret. You needed to at least know that there was a pinhole of, at most friendship, still left between the two of you.

“How come you know everything about me, but your refusing to tell me who Tommy even is to you? He’s your boyfriend isn’t he?” She raised an eyebrow and you shot her look of disgust.

“No.” It tumbled out of your mouth rather quickly.

“Brother?”

“NO.”

“Was he your secret lover?”

“What? Ellie, drop it.” You dropped your head back against the hard wall. “How about we get through the hard part and once I know the two of us are going to make it to where we’re supposed to be going I’ll tell you in full detail why I needed to know where Tommy is.” You looked over at her as she mulled over your offer.

“Fiiinnneeeee, that guy, your star crossed lover…must be really worth it.” She hit your shoulder against her own while she watched your lip turn into a slight smirk at the Child’s attempt to loosen the mood. That guy was worth it, but honestly she wanted to tell her it wasn’t Tommy.

[sophietv]

Where "You're Losing Me" fits in the Kaylor Timeline

Ok, so I wanted to sum up what I thought “You’re Losing Me” meant for Kaylor. But most of all, where does it all fit in the Timeline.

First and foremost. It’s important to remember that Midnights is in Taylor’s words: “the stories of 13 sleepless nights scattered throughout my life”.

Which means that the songs on this album are not all recent stories. Some happened a long time ago. 

Like:

Snow On The Beach: being about the Victoria Secret Fashion Show in 2013.

Question…?: About Kissgate in 2014.

One thing that is interesting with Midnights is that songs are sampled over older songs. I believe this serves multiple purposes:

Pointing at the muse (Maroon sampled over KOMH and Cornelia Street),

Pointing at the time and cause of the song (The Great War sampled on Only The Young)

Pointing at the similar emotions the event might have with others (Question…? sampled on OOTW).

So where does that leave us with "You’re Losing Me"? 

When you listen to the song you notice that it’s very similar and seem to have practically the same intro as "Cornelia Street".

More than that, if you play both songs at the same time, the timing is perfect, the intro of one song answers the intro of the other.

So what is Taylor trying to tell us with this?

Everyone was puzzled when the song came out, because it does not fit with the narrative of Champagne Problems and Midnight Rain. Those songs seem to point at Karlie wanting to commit and Taylor being unable to choose her over everything else.

But in You’re Losing Me. It’s quite the contrary. Taylor seems to want to commit and seems unsure of Karlie’s intentions in this relationship. 

So what does it mean?

I think the song points to Cornelia Street to offer a timeline of when the events took place.

And I don’t think they took place at the same time the song Cornelia Street takes place (in 2019), but more likely, when they were living at Cornelia Street.

Taylor rented Cornelia Street from June 2016 to early 2017. 

What happened during this time with Kaylor?

I think, looking back on all the events of 2019. Everyone can at least agree that they were still together at that time.

If you don’t believe it. Watch Miss Americana. The Call It What You Want scene, and you’ll see that Kaylor was indeed alive and well.

I did a thread on Twitter about this, but here’s some important events. 

Octobre 11th 2016: “It’s all part of the fucking story”

Octobre 12th 2016: Taylor went out to the concert where she “started dating Joe”.

Octobre 13th 2016: Taylor is out at the Bowery Ballroom with Karlie and Serena William (yes this is suspicious).

Novembre 7th 2016: Karlie and Taylor are out at Lorde’s birthday.

Novembre 8th 2016: Trump is elected. Karlie posted the famous picture of her and Taylor kissing Lorde’s cheek with the ring (last post of them together at an event)

Novembre 9th 2016: Start of the Love Blackout 

(There’s also the engagement theory that happened in Wyoming in August 2016)

What makes me say the song takes place then and not in 2019?

Well she references the Cornelia Street apartment, with the song sample obviously, but also with those lyrics:

 “remember lookin’ at this room, we loved it ‘cause of the light. Now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time.” 

I think the lyric “We thought a cure would come through in time, now I fear it won’t” might be about them having to hide their relationship.

And I suspect the results of the 2016 elections has something to do with it (as well as with the Love Blackout).

In the song Taylor is begging Karlie to choose her. 

The song is also not a finality. 

When the song ends we don’t know what happened.

There’s fear, hurt, indecision, but also a bit of hope: “Unless you’re choosin’ me”

Taylor is still wishing it might work out.

So I think the song being sampled on Cornelia Street is to tell us it happened during this time frame (June 2016 - early 2017).

And in the song Cornelia Street there’s:

“Windows swung right open, autumn air

Jacket 'round my shoulders is yours

We bless the rains on Cornelia Street

Memorize the creaks in the floor”

Which points to the Autumn of 2016 (if we follow the timeline).

"Back when we were card sharks, playing games

I thought you were leading me on

I packed my bags, left Cornelia Street

Before you even knew I was gone"

This part points to before that. But still at Cornelia Street. So between June and Septembre 2016.

And it’s talking about a fight they had where Taylor thought Karlie was not genuine with her “I thought you were leading me on” 

Interesting because it fits perfectly with the narrative of “You’re Losing Me”.

"But then you called, showed your hand

I turned around before I hit the tunnel

Sat on the roof, you and I"

And this fight had a happy ending! 

So for all those reasons, this is where I think this sleepless night took place and the fight it’s talking about. 

What does it means for LSK? Not much. But it sure doesn’t mean that they are not together. 

[50calmadeuce]

Ch. 34: After the Holidays

Warning: Mention of miscarriage. Some chapters have sex.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction using characters from the Top Gun: Maverick world, trademarked by Paramount Pictures Corporation. I do not claim ownership of the characters and the world that I am borrowing.

The story and situation I am creating are a work of my imagination and I do not ascribe them to official story canon. This work is for entertainment only and is not a part of the storyline.

I am not profiting financially from the creation and publication of this story, but I do hope it gives you happy thoughts.

These stories are my own, so please do not take them and use them for yourself without my permission. If you see them somewhere else, please let me know. :)

A couple of days later, you sat in your office looking at an email when there was a knock on the door.

You looked up and saw Max at the door.

"Hey," you said with a weak smile. "Come on in."

He slowly sauntered in, his piercing blue eyes looking at you. "You know how to throw one hell of a Christmas," he said as he pulled out the chair to Jake's desk and sat down.

"Does this mean you'll be back next year?"

Max chuckled. "We'll see. I might make it a tradition."

You smiled. "That would be nice. It was good having you here."

Max nodded. "How are you holding up with everything that's going on?"

You sighed. "It's been tough, but we're getting through it. Jake's been a great support."

Max leaned back in the chair. "Good to hear. If you need anything, you know where to find me."

"Did you find anything on video at the hotel?"

"The only thing we found was him carrying you out. He must've known where the cameras were in the restaurant. There's no good view of where you two were sitting."

You sighed. "Of course not." Just then, you made a face.

"Are you okay?" Max asked.

"Yeah. Someone just likes to stick his toes in my ribs, and it hurts like hell." You took your hand and pushed on your ribs.

"Can I feel?" Max asked curiously.

"Of course," you replied, taking his hand and gently placing it on your side where little feet were currently pushing on your stomach.

Max's eyes lit up. "Oh, wow!"

You smiled at his reaction. "It's pretty amazing, isn't it?"

Max nodded, a soft smile playing on his lips. "Yeah, it really is. He's strong, just like his parents."

"More like his dad when he's throwing hay bales off the back of the tractor trailer," you said with a smile, thinking about it.

Max nodded, a thoughtful look on his face. "I'm glad you found him, Y/N. Even though it was iffy there for four years."

You sighed, the memories flooding back. "Yeah, it was tough. But we made it through, and I wouldn't trade it for anything."

Max's piercing blue eyes softened. "You two are stronger for it. And now you've got a little one on the way. It's a new chapter."

You gently placed a hand on your stomach. "Yeah."

Max stood up. "I have to go. Thank you for inviting me for Christmas. I'll see you in Wyoming for court in a few weeks."

"Max. Jake leave next week. Would you..."

"Meet you in San Diego? Way ahead of you," he said with a smile. "Then we'll fly to Wyoming for court."

You stood up, and the two of you embraced. "You are the best." You separated. "Come on. I'll walk you out," you said after letting go.

The two of you walked to the front door. Max put on his jacket and then leaned over, giving you a gentle kiss on your cheek. "Love you like the sister I'm glad I never had."

You smiled. "Love you too."

Max opened the door, and you watched as he walked to his vehicle and opened the door. He turned, looked at you, and blew you a kiss. You returned the sentiment as he got in his vehicle, started it, and drove away.

You stepped back into the house, closing the door behind you, feeling a mix of gratitude and anticipation for the challenges ahead.

"Darlin'. Have you seen my cowboy boots?" Jake asked from the bedroom later that afternoon.

"Either in the closet or the mudroom, babe," you responded.

He stuck his head in the office door. "Are you packed?"

You looked at him. "As much as I can be. I'll only be in San Diego for a couple of days."

It was Wednesday. Your plane left tomorrow morning, and Jake didn't leave until Saturday morning. The plan was that you flew to San Diego, checked on his apartment, and stayed there with Max until Saturday afternoon when Jake left. Then you and Max would fly to Wyoming for the hearing for Dorian.

Jake's family was heading back home tomorrow morning, so they were going to say their 'laters' at the airport tomorrow. There were no goodbyes in this family. It was always 'later'.

Jake walked into the office, a concerned look on his face. "Are you sure you're going to be okay after I leave?"

"I'll be fine, Jake. Max will be with me the whole time," you replied reassuringly.

Jake leaned in and kissed your forehead. "Thanks, darlin'. It makes me feel better knowing you're not alone."

You smiled up at him. "I know."

Jake sat down beside you, a relieved expression on his face. "Thanks, Y/N. I know it's a lot to ask, but it puts my mind at ease."

You smiled, reaching out to squeeze his hand. "It's no problem, Jake. Max has always been there for us. Now more than ever."

Jake nodded, appreciating your effort. "I really do feel better knowing you’ll have someone there with you."

You smiled. "I'll be just fine. Now, let’s finish packing so we can enjoy the rest of the evening."

You looked at his cowboy boots. "Do you really need to bring these ones back to San Diego? I mean, are you really going to wear them?"

He looked at his boots and then back at you. "Valid point. I'll keep them here."

You smiled, giggled and shook your head as you watched him walk back to the mudroom, cowboy boots in hand.

Late that night in bed, you were woken up by the baby kicking and pushing on your stomach. You looked over and saw Jake sleeping soundly next to you and then glanced at the clock. It was one in the morning. Sighing, you carefully lifted off the comforter, slipped your feet into your slippers, and quietly headed to the office.

The house was silent, save for the soft hum of the refrigerator and the occasional creak of the floorboards. You turned on the desk lamp, its warm light casting a gentle glow in the room, and sat down at the desk.

You turned on your computer and checked your emails, trying to distract yourself from the discomfort, rubbing your stomach as you did so. As you sifted through your inbox, you found a message from your attorney, Mr. Dunby, updating you on the progress of your case. You read through the details, feeling a mixture of relief and frustration.

After replying to the email, you leaned back in the chair, resting your hand on your stomach. The baby continued to move, but the motions were more soothing now. You took a deep breath, trying to relax.

A soft knock on the doorframe startled you, and you looked up to see Jake standing there, rubbing his eyes. "Couldn't sleep?" he asked, his voice husky with sleep.

You shook your head. "The baby decided it was time for a dance party."

Jake smiled, walking over and placing his hand on your stomach. "Hey there, little one. Give your momma a break, okay?"

You laughed softly, feeling a wave of love for both Jake and the baby. "I think it helped."

He walked over, leaned down and kissed your forehead. "Come on, let's go back to bed."

After turning off your computer, you turned to see Jake holding his hand out to you. You placed your hand into his as he led you back to the bedroom.

The apartment was still quiet, and the warmth of Jake’s hand in yours provided a comforting contrast to the cold floor under your slippers. When you reached the bedroom, Jake gently helped you back into bed, making sure you were comfortable before sliding in beside you.

He pulled the comforter up over both of you, his arm wrapping protectively around your waist. "Try to get some rest, darlin'."

You snuggled closer to him, feeling the soothing rhythm of his breathing. "Thanks, Jake," you whispered, closing your eyes and letting the warmth of his presence lull you back to sleep.

As the night progressed, the baby’s movements softened, and you finally found a peaceful rest.

Tags: @buckysteveloki-me @bellyliveslife @tgmreader @callsign-barbell @86laura11 @dizzybee03 @kmc1989 @guacam011y @nerdgirljen @hookslove1592 @dempy @djs8891 @smoothdogsgirl

[something-tofightfor]

Your Eyes Outshine The Town

Pairing: Joel Miller x female reader (Just Too Good To Be Gone pairing)

Word count: 9,586

Rating: M - language, light sexual content, but nothing graphic 

Warnings: If you don’t want to know certain plot spoilers from The Last of Us, you shouldn’t read this. 

Summary: Joel and Ellie’s first Christmas in Jackson is going to be special for a lot of reasons - even though the town’s celebration is a tradition you’ve become accustomed to over the years you’ve spent in Wyoming.

Author’s Note: An anon asked if I was going to write something for Joel for Christmas, and even though I said no and this isn’t what I *was* working on, it’s just as important. (That other piece will hopefully be ready to go for the premiere of the show, and it is SPICY). 

This takes place about 7-8 months after Joel and Ellie return to Jackson, and a few months after Help Me Get Away From Myself. 

Merry Christmas to all that celebrate - and to those that don’t, I hope you have a safe and happy weekend! 

To get alerted when I post new chapters/stories, follow @somethingtofightfor-shares​ and turn on post notifications - you can also ask to be added to my tag list (link in bio or at the top of my taglist reblog)

Just Too Good To Be Gone Masterlist

Song Suggestion: “This Christmas” by Donny Hathaway

When he woke up to snow covering the ground in Jackson for the first time, Joel froze in front of the window in his bedroom, staring out at it. 

It wasn’t that he’d never seen snow before; he’d seen plenty. 

It wasn’t even that he hadn’t seen snow in Jackson before, because it had been spitting snow for the previous week - squalls that blew through the city, coating the remaining leaves and branches on the trees and bushes for a few hours before it dripped away, leaving everything damp. 

But it was the first time he’d seen the undisturbed streets and sidewalks, the first time he took notice of the way that it covered the roof of the house across the street from him, thin wisps of gray smoke curling from the chimney in the early morning light. 

And when he looked back over his shoulder at his bed - where you were sleeping on your side, one hand tucked beneath the pillow, blanket pulled up to your chin, he let out a slow breath, closing his eyes and nodding. This is life now.  My life. 

Instead of having to worry about what the snow used to mean  - chilled, damp clothes and waterlogged socks from moisture leaking through hastily repaired boots, a lack of dry firewood, freezing nights spent huddled around whatever small source of warmth could be created  - that morning, the snow only meant that the entire city would be a little slower… and that he could take it easy. 

So on that morning - Joel’s first real snowfall in Jackson - he turned away from the window after giving it one last look and then climbed back into bed next to you, one arm slipping around your waist as he urged you back toward him. 

You mumbled something, the man unable to make out what it was, but you settled your hand over his and squeezed, sighing out his name. “Couple inches of snow out there.” You sighed again, humming - and that time, Joel did catch your words. 

“Knew it was coming.” You yawned, body stiffening briefly. “Go back to sleep, Joel. Just for a little while.”

You didn’t have to tell him twice. 

— 

That morning was the first of many snows throughout November and the beginning of December, and as the days got shorter and colder, the snow melted less between storms. 

It turned the streets into slushy messes and the sidewalks into ice. It resulted in the need for either a fire to be lit constantly, or one of the multiple space heaters he owned to be plugged in and turned on - but he didn’t mind. 

He didn’t mind because despite the chilly patrol routes and extra layers he had to put on, it was always worth it to come home to his house and see Ellie’s light on, to see smoke coming from the chimney in her roof - to know  that she was alright, and that they didn’t have to repeat the previous winter. And we never do again. 

But even the seven months that he’d been back in Jackson - the integration into the community and the gradual decrease of his anxiety over every moment of every day - hadn’t prepared him for the night he’d been heading toward the diner to meet you for dinner and he’d seen a large tree in the center of the square, multiple people working to put it upright. Is that a Christmas tree? 

He’d stopped in his tracks again, blinking slowly as he watched men with power tools constructing a base around the trunk. It’s a damn Christmas tree. Making a mental note to ask you about it while the two of you ate, he shook his head and then stuffed his hands into the pockets of his tan jacket, raising his shoulders and ducking his chin below the collar of the coat. 

— 

“Of course it’s a Christmas tree, Joel.” You sipped from your coffee mug, the steaming liquid inside warming you as you swallowed. Wish it was coffee and not tea. “Didn’t Tommy tell you? He said that he was going to ask you to let Ellie know.” 

“He didn’t say shit.” Joel leaned back in his chair, the remnants of his dinner - runny egg yolks and toast crumbs - smeared across the surface of his plate. “I was just walkin’ here and saw that they were puttin’ it up.” 

“Yeah. Some of the guys hauled it back the other day. They pulled it down off the mountain behind my place.” You rolled your eyes. “Not like anyone’s been skiing there in a couple decades, so it might as well do something for this town.” 

You watched the subtle twitch of his lips at your joke, but Joel didn’t say anything else, keeping his eyes on you. It was strange to you sometimes, to remember just how much of life in Jackson he and Ellie hadn’t experienced yet, and Christmas - likely his first safe Christmas season, and maybe Ellie’s first real celebration of the season entirely - was only the most recent thing you could think of. 

“So you should tell Ellie. It’s nothing like old Christmas celebrations used to be, but she wasn’t… she won’t remember those likewe do.” Tightening your hands around the mug, you shrugged. “She might like it.”

“She’ll love it.” He reached across the table, fingertips sliding beneath yours and urging one hand away from the mug. You let him, twisting your wrist and pressing your palm to his. “Especially if there’s lights.”

“There are.” You grinned at that, eyes moving up from your joined hands to his face. “Not a lot of them, but there are lights. And since the tree’s huge, lots of kids make ornaments every year - out of pinecones and sticks and string and all that … and the night they turn it on, everyone hangs their ornaments.”

“What happens to ‘em?” You heard the interest in his voice and it made your heartbeat surge with happiness, like it did every time Joel let his guard down and indulged in moments of normalcy. “At the end of the season?” 

“Most of the time they’re ruined. Jackson gets a lot of snow in the winter, as you can see.” You gestured toward the windows, indicating the softly falling snow outside, and he nodded. “But the ones that aren’t a mess? The kids can take them back if they want, but most of them don’t remember what they made, so…” You shrugged. “They just get tossed.” 

“Do you want to tell Ellie?” He released your hand, drawing his back toward his body. “You are coming over tonight, right?” 

“I am.” You’d been spending more time at Joel’s place ever since getting back from the trip to the cabins at the end of September, but since what you had was still new, you didn’t want to wear out your welcome. “Where’s she at right now?”

“Probably out somewhere with the kids she’s in school with.” He scratched the side of his neck. “She came home earlier this afternoon and dropped her stuff of and then ran off with that dark haired girl, Dina?” 

“They’re probably at Dina’s house, then.” You took another drink. “If we head back now, we can get a fire going before it gets too cold in your place.”

“Yeah.” He stood, reaching for his coat and pulling it on, your eyes following his movement. “Even though when you say we I know you mean me.” 

You stood, too, holding back a snort, and only a minute later, the two of you were making your way down the snowy street and back toward his house, both of you with your heads covered and ducked down. 

Neither of you spoke much as you walked, hurrying toward your destination, but when you were safely in his front hall, the door shut behind you, you groaned, shivering as you took your jacket off again. He hurried into the living room and knelt down to light the waiting fire, and you followed, perching on the end of the couch cushions. “I only meant you because you’re so much better at starting fires than I am.” 

“Yeah, sure.” He looked back at you over one shoulder, smirking. “You just like watching me like this.” 

“You caught me.” Rolling your eyes, you tried to hide the surprise in your voice at the bold way he flirted with you - the action very uncharacteristic of Joel as you knew him to be, but something that was happening more as he spent each additional day in Jackson. “How can I resist you when you’re kneeling in front of a -”

“Anybody home?” You heard Ellie’s voice before you saw the girl, and even though you caught Joel’s flinch at the sudden sound, he relaxed quickly, turning away from you and back to the fire. 

“In here, Ellie.” Leaning back, you crossed your legs at the ankle, still keeping your eyes on Joel’s broad shoulders. “Both of us.” 

— 

“Did you guys see that big tree?” He was still busy with the fire, coaxing the remaining embers from that morning alight with scraps of kindling, but he knew the girl was excited from the sound of her voice. “Dina said that Jackson’s Christmas is really cool, and that everyone goes, even the people that don’t celebrate. That means she’s going to be there too, with her family, and -” 

“Slow down, Ellie.” Tiny flames licked at the wood, and once he was satisfied  that they’d catch, Joel stood, brushing his hands off on his jeans. “Apparently my brother was supposed to tell me what was goin’ on, but he didn’t. I just found out about that tree a couple hours ago, too.”

“I’ve never celebrated Christmas before.” The girl plopped down onto the chair, leaving only the space next to you open. Oh, you little shit. “What’s it like?” 

“Well.” You leaned in, putting your feet flat on the floor and resting one elbow on the arm of the couch as Joel sat next to you. “There are cookies. Lots of cookies. And some of the adults like to sing old Christmas carols. I was telling Joel earlier that a lot of the kids like to make ornaments to hang on the big tree, so you can definitely do that, too.” 

He watched as the girl’s eyes widened, Ellie looking between the two of you in excitement. He loved seeing that expression on her face, and though he’d only had the opportunity a handful of times - seeing the sunrise on the way out of Boston, looking out and over a lake on the outskirts of Pittsburgh, and when they’d stumbled on the giraffes in Salt Lake City the three clearest in his mind - he looked forward to seeing it more often. And now I might get to. 

“Are there presents?” You laughed at that, shoulders shaking as you leaned over and toward him, Joel’s arm going around you to steady your body. “Because I’ve read that -

“Yeah, Ellie, there are presents at Christmas.” Joel heard you clear your throat, the man’s eyes narrowing in anticipation of whatever it was that you were about to say. “But most of them are handmade - scarves and socks and clothes. Food, from the people that are really good at it.” 

“What else would there be?” She blinked, frowning. “I mean, what else do people need besides -”

“Back before, Ellie…” He paused, thinking. “Christmas presents weren’t about the things you needed. People would buy stuff just because they thought someone else would like it, even if it wasn’t useful.” 

“Like movies and music and video games.” You pointed to the shelves across the room. “That kind of stuff was what people wanted, to keep themselves occupied when they weren’t at work or in school.” 

“Jewelry was another big one.” Joel smiled - showing teeth - as a memory came back to him. “I remember one year, Tommy was seein’ this woman. Had to be … I don’t know, three, maybe four years before everything changed?” Ellie leaned in closer, eyes wide and focused on him, and he felt you shift closer, your arm going around him. “And he wanted to get her somethin’ real nice for Christmas, so he tried to find a necklace for her.” Joel rubbed at his face with his hand. “And I shit you not, it was probably the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, had this big ol’ flower charm on it.” He paused, laughing. “He was so damn proud of it, and when he gave it to her for Christmas, we were all waitin’ to see what she’d say and …” 

“And?” It was you that spoke up, fingers curling into the soft flannel that covered his ribs. “What did she think?” 

“She loved it.” Joel scoffed and Ellie laughed hard, the girl’s giggle warming the room up even more than the fire already had. Oh, I love hearin’ that.  “She didn’t take that goddamn thing off for months, and then when they broke up, he found it in his mailbox and smashed into pieces even though she was the one that ended it.” 

“Was he mad” Ellie’s foot tapped on the floor, her hands gripping her knees. “Tommy? Was he -”

“No. See the damn thing was made of real gold, and so he took all the broken pieces and sold ‘em and then he and I went out and got drunk.” 

It was a good memory - one of the last Christmas gatherings that they’d had as a family, a couple cousins and one uncle driving in from various parts of the state to celebrate, but he’d forgotten all about the necklace until that moment. Wonder if Tommy ever thinks about it. “People used to make Christmas lists, Ellie.” You spoke up again, Joel turning his head to look at you. “Put stuff on them that they wanted or needed so that if people were going to get them a gift, they knew what to look for.” 

“Do you make lists here?” Ellie blinked slowly. “Since there are presents?”

“Some of the kids do. They put things on them like toys and books and clothes and so a couple weeks before Christmas, someone takes all those lists and goes through what we’ve got in storage to see if anything fits. It’s not always exactly what they asked for, but usually … usually we can get something for everyone since we have so much stockpiled.” 

“I didn’t know that.” Joel’s voice was quiet, and when you met his eyes and shrugged, he knew immediately that you were one of the ones that did the searching, even though you hadn’t told him as much. “That’s real nice.” 

“Yeah. And it works out for the kids that don’t celebrate Christmas, too. The tree in the center of town is a Christmas tree, and no one would ever say otherwise, but it’s just sort of become … a symbol of the holidays in general. Warmth and comfort and happiness and all that.” 

“Makes sense.” He gave you a small smile - and a single nod of his head before turning his attention back to Ellie. “So yeah. I guess we get to celebrate Christmas this year, kiddo.” 

“Cool.” Her smile lit up her face, eyes brightening. “So when is it?” 

“The lights will go on in a couple days, but the town celebration is December 23rd.” You sat up straight, Joel watching as you adjusted the hem of your shirt. “So you’ve got some time. And,” you continued, turning your attention to him. “Since this is the first Christmas here for both of you, if there’s anything you can think of that you want or need… let me know.” There was another pause and then you kept going, Joel barely able to conceal his laugh at the glint in your eyes. “Because I can put in a good word with Santa Claus.”

Ellie, on the other hand couldn’t stop herself from laughing and the two of you joined her moments later, Joel pulling you against his chest and kissing the top of your head.

He hadn’t given Christmas much more than a passing thought in years - but as he sat in his cozy living room, laughing with the two of you, he knew that it wouldn’t be the case that year. 

– 

“We’re going to be late if we don’t hurry up.” 

Ellie was nearly bouncing up and down as she waited for you to pull your coat on, the girl bundled up in a thick jacket of her own, along with a hat and a pair of gloves sticking out of one of her pockets. “I’m coming. It’s fine, though. We won’t be late.” 

“What took you so long to get back? I thought you didn’t work today.” 

“I didn’t. Someone took my shift so that I could make sure everything was done for tonight.” You’d gotten sidetracked checking names on the gifts that had been collected, making sure that no one was left out, and before you’d realized it, it was an hour until you were supposed to leave. “Took me a little longer than I thought it would.” 

“Joel’s probably already there. He left hours ago for Tommy’s. Radioed over to make sure I was going to leave on time, and - “

“Well you did.” Smiling at the girl, you picked up your own walkie, pressing a button on the side. “Joel? If you’re still at Tommy and Maria’s, we’re getting ready to leave now. See you in a few.” 

It took a few seconds for his response - a quick ‘Gotcha. See you soon’ - but as soon as he’d spoken, you and Ellie headed for the door, the girl walking next to you with her hands stuffed into her coat pockets. “Did you ask for anything this year?” 

“No.” It was the truth - sort of. You’d hinted to one of the bakery girls that it would be great to have an extra loaf of sourdough so that you could make Joel and Ellie a nice breakfast on Christmas morning, and you’d put your name on the list for a replacement space heater, but aside from that, you hadn’t thought of anything else that you needed. Because I’ve got exactly what I want. “What about you?” 

“You already looked at my list.” She glanced up at you and adjusted the straps on her backpack, waiting a few seconds. “I know you did, so -”

“Yeah, but I mean … did you mention anything to Joel? To Cat or Dina? To Maria and Tommy? Anything that you didn’t put on that list?” 

“No. I didn’t… I didn’t want to ask for anything because it feels… weird.” You understood where she was coming from - and needed her to know it.

“My first Christmas here was like that, too. I didn’t want to ask for anything because it just felt… weird. The world’s gone to shit, and I’m asking for presents, you know?” She nodded, quickening her steps as you reached the corner of Kelly and Cache, making a right and going north toward the center of town. “It’s ok to want things, Ellie. You’ve had a tough year and a half, and I know that you’ve been through a lot more than most of the kids that grew up here, but you do still have a couple years til you’re an adult.” 

“I’ll remember that for next year.” She reached out and squeezed your hand, keeping hold of it briefly. “Why do you think Joel didn’t want to walk with us?” You had your theories, but didn’t want to mislead the girl - even unintentionally, and so you just shrugged, urging Ellie to walk faster. 

“There’s hot chocolate, Ellie.” You fell into step with a few other residents of Jackson as you got closer to the center of town, your eyes focused forward and waiting for the first glimpse of the massive tree and booths set up around it. “Hot chocolate and cookies and music. And sometimes, someone’s doing magic tricks and -”

“Last year at Christmastime I thought Joel was going to die.” She let out a shuddering breath and stopped walking, turning to face you. “And this year we’re here and we’re celebrating, and it just seems so… so fucking wrong, and -” 

“Ellie.” You stopped, too, and then stepped closer, crouching down so that you could look her in the eye. “He didn’t die. You kept him alive. And you keeping him alive meant that he ended up bringing you back here. And yeah, I know it’s a lot to take in, especially when you grew up in a place like Boston and haven’t ever experienced this before.” She nodded, her wide eyes glistening with tears. “I’ve told him this so many times, and now I’m going to tell you. There is nothing wrong with letting yourself experience life when you have the opportunity to.”

“But -”

“No. Ellie, you’re here. You’re alive. You’re surrounded by people that care about you. You get to be a teenager. It’s not wrong. You don’t need to feel guilty. That’s why we’ve worked so hard to make things in Jackson as normal for everyone as we can.” Reaching out, you laid a hand on her shoulder. “And that means for you, too.” You couldn’t imagine what those weeks had been like for Ellie and Joel, or what had gone through the girl’s mind during them - but you didn’t want her to dwell on the past. Not now. Not tonight. “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here. But tonight … don’t think about any of that, alright? You two deserve this.” 

“I… I can try.” She sniffed, using the back of her sleeve to wipe at her nose. “For him.”

“No.” You stood, hand still on her shoulder. “Don’t try for him, Ellie. Do it for yourself.” You watched her for long seconds and saw the look in the girl’s eyes change from sadness and apprehension to one of resolve, her shoulders squaring. 

“Yeah. Ok.” 

— 

He was waiting for the two of you on one of the benches just outside the square, and Joel was doing something that he hadn’t had much time to do in years: people watching. 

There were people in Jackson that he hadn’t ever met, but for the most part, Joel was able to place each person that walked by - some of them raising their hands to wave at him, others giving him a single nod of their chins as they hurried past. But each of them had a look on their faces that he hadn’t seen in such abundance since before the outbreak. Happiness. They’re all… happy. 

And he supposed that he was happy, too - content and satisfied in a way that still seemed foreign to him on most days. But it was easier as more time passed, and he was stunned to realize that he didn’t feel like he had to be on alert at every moment - even when he was out in the open and exposed in the way he was while sitting on the bench. 

But it was more than that - he didn’t feel his heart twist in his chest when Ellie was out of sight anymore, and he often found himself leaving his house without a weapon, the only thing in his pocket his house keys. 

The rate at which he’d settled into life in Jackson had stunned him - and he knew that meeting you had been a major part of it. But also.. The way Ellie took to her helped, too. He still had his days - just like anyone - but while a year ago he would have thought it impossible that he’d be in the position he was currently, Joel found that he had nothing to complain about. 

That realization was reinforced when you and Ellie came into view, the girl’s head covered by a dark knit cap and yours shrouded with the large hood of your jacket. She was walking close to you, and for long moments, he did nothing but watch, making note of the way that the girl looked up at you, her cheeks rosy from the cold - and of the way you paid attention to not only what she was saying but also your surroundings, never focusing on one thing for too long. 

Unlike many people in Jackson, you hadn’t completely let your guard down despite how often you reminded him that it was safe within the walls, and he appreciated it. You looked out not only for yourself, but for the people that you were with, and when people meant Ellie? That was worth everything to Joel. 

He pushed off of the bench and made his way toward you the two of you, weaving through everyone that was milling around. “Hey, you t-” The words caught in his throat when Ellie broke away from you and sprinted toward him, throwing her arms around his body and pressing her cheek to his chest. What’s goin’ on? “Ellie?” He hugged her back, the action almost automatic in a way that he hadn’t ever believed would be possible again, and when he felt her trembling in his arms, he looked up at you, brow furrowed. 

You shook your head, mouthing the word “later” and he understood immediately, his hands moving from Ellie’s back to her shoulders. She let go a few seconds later and then took a step back, drawing in a long breath as she tilted her head to look up at him. “Sorry. I’m gonna go find Dina and Jesse. Bye!” 

She darted off, leaving the two of you standing a few feet apart. “What in the hell was -”

“She feels guilty about being here.” Stepping closer, you reached up, touching his stomach with one gloved hand. “After what you went through last winter.” Oh. “And about more than that, too, but you were the first thing she brought up, and I think it’s … it’s overwhelming for her.” 

“I’m sure it is. It’s overwhelmin’ for me, too.” Nodding sympathetically, you gave him a tight smile. “Should I go find her?”

“Nah.” Closing the final distance between you, you leaned in to press a kiss to his cheek, the tip of your nose cold against his skin. “Just let her find her friends. She’ll be alright. And I’m sure seeing you here tonight with me and Tommy and Maria will help.” He hummed in reply, unwilling to let you go - and you didn’t seem to mind. 

“Can’t take you two anywhere, can we?” His brother’s voice from behind him startled Joel, the two of you separating, though he kept his arm around your shoulders. “Always gotta be right next to …” He trailed off as Maria took her place beside him, the man wrinkling his nose. “Alright, I guess I have no room to talk.” 

“You don’t.” You put your hand on your hip, leaning into Joel’s side. “I’ve seen the two of you Tommy Miller, and Joel and I aren’t anywhere near as bad.”

“She’s not lying.” Maria winked at him, and Joel’s smile grew, the man’s posture loosening. “Good to see you here, Joel.” 

“Wouldn’t have missed it.” Clearing his throat with a cough, he looked around the square, his eyes lingering on the tree. “Never would have heard the end of that from any of you.” 

“Got that right, big brother.” Tommy was smirking and Joel rolled his eyes, the four of you heading over for the hot chocolate table, each of you grabbing a cup of it. “Don’t tell anyone.” Tommy waited til you were a few feet away before reaching into the interior pocket of his jacket and pulling out a flask. “Got the good stuff.” 

You held out your drink just as fast as Maria did, Joel joining shortly after, and once all of your cups had been sufficiently spiked, Joel was surprised to hear the other man clear his throat and ask everyone to raise their cups. “What’s this, Tommy? I thought it was Maria’s turn to -”

“Told him he could have this one.” Maria’s voice was quiet, and he watched her slip one arm around Tommy’s waist, tucking herself under his arm. “Go ahead, Tommy.”

You moved closer, and Joel watched as you raised your cup and then looked at him expectantly, not breaking eye contact until he’d lifted his hand an acceptable amount, too. They’re all in on this, whatever it is. 

“To another year in Jackson.” Tommy paused, glancing down and then back up, his eyes locking with Joel’s. “To the first Christmas with my brother in … too goddamn long.” He sucked a breath in, eyes widening, and Joel knew that you felt him stiffen, but the slow movement of your hand over his back never stopped, the motion soothing him even though Tommy’s words caught him off guard. “To all the things none of us ever thought would be possible again.” 

There was more that Tommy wanted to say, but Joel saw him falter, heard the tremble in his voice, and so with a single nod, he pushed his cup forward and clinked the edge of it with Tommy’s, you and Maria joining in before all four of you sipped the drinks. Shit, I wasn’t expectin’ that.

You took the cup from him without him having to ask, and once Maria had done the same from her husband, Joel moved forward and wrapped his arms around Tommy, hugging him as tightly as was possible through their thick jackets. Damn, I really wasn’t expecting this. They stayed locked in an embrace for a long time, Joel’s heart pounding, and when Tommy straightened up, he was barely holding his tears back, lips pressed together in a tight line. “Won’t be the last, Tommy.” 

“It better not be.” You cut in, leaning closer. “Kinda like having you around, Joel Miller.” I like being around. That was all it took - and Joel didn’t miss the silent acknowledgement Tommy shot you, or the way his chest rose and fell when he took a deep breath after taking his cocoa back from Maria. “We’ve got what, twenty minutes before this starts?”

“Yeah.” Maria checked the clock, nodding. “I’ve gotta give my little speech in about twenty, and then we pass out the presents.” She sipped her drink as the four of you walked closer to the tree, more people nodding hello as you passed. “And then the party starts. The little kids are gonna sing for us, so …” She trailed off, clearing her throat. “So we’ll see what happens.”  Smooth, Maria. 

You split off from them a minute later, tugging on Joel’s arm as you pulled him off in the direction of Ellie and her friends, but you stopped short of reaching them, the two of you taking a seat on a different bench. “Just wanted to give you a minute, Joel. After the Ellie hug and Tommy’s toast, I thought … well, I thought you needed it.” You put your hood down before turning your head to look at him. 

“I do.” He leaned in, lips finding your temple. “Thank you.” You didn’t say anything in reply, but you did lay your head down and against his shoulder … and despite the fact that Joel wasn’t used to being so open with affection in public, he had to admit that with you, it was growing on him. 

— 

The time that the two of you had sitting on the bench was cut short when Ellie ran up, Dina and Jesse in tow. She stood in front of you, her hands on her hips. “Can we stand together?” She wet her lips. “For the presents, I mean?” 

“Of course, Ellie.” The words rumbled through him, and even with the layers separating you, you could feel his chest moving, the man nodding at the girl. 

You loved seeing them together - loved watching as their relationship changed in front of your eyes, and even though the moments earlier had been difficult, they were proof that being in Jackson was the right thing for both of them. They could still be out there. Still be … alone. He would have taken care of her, you were certain of it, but you knew what could happen, and that you didn’t want to even entertain the thought of it happening to them. 

Making your way over to where the crowd was gathered, you took your places near the front, Joel’s hand holding yours tightly, Ellie on his other side. Dina and Jesse stood close, the three teenagers talking quietly between themselves. 

As you scanned the crowd, you were struck again with how normal things felt - and even though it was only for one night, it made you smile. There were still people guarding the walls, still people out on patrol - even more ready and waiting to spring into action on a moment’s notice … but inside the walls of Jackson, you could forget about that for a few hours here and there. And we do. And it’s what keeps us … going. 

Squeezing Joel’s hand tighter as Maria moved to stand in front of the tree, Tommy a few feet away with his hands behind his back, you grinned at your friend, giving her a nod. “She’s going to make this short, Joel. She hates public speaking.” 

“Not as much as my brother.”  Joel snorted, the sound quiet. “No way.”

Maria opened her speech by thanking everyone for coming and making a few general announcements - that snow removal duty lists were posted in the community center, that hours would be changing in some of the stores to coincide with the colder days and decreased amount of light, that the food pantry was going to be freshly stocked early in the new year, and that typical amounts of things were expected. 

You were used to these announcements, and so while she spoke, you watched Joel, the man taking it all in with a look of surprise on his face - which you understood. You’d heard about Boston and rationing from Tommy. You understood shortages and fighting for supplies - and you’d only had to do it for two years while Joel and Tommy had done it for many. Just another thing to love about this place, Joel. 

You gripped his hand tighter, Maria’s words changing into the holiday portion of the night. She reminded everyone that while the Christmas tree was the focal point of the celebration, it was not the only winter holiday that the residents of Jackson celebrated - and that the night was meant to honor those traditions too, both through food and other decorations that were placed around the plaza. “And it doesn’t matter what holiday you’re celebrating, there’s never a bad time for a present, right kids?” 

A chorus of cheers erupted around you, and like many of the people in the crowd, you clapped and laughed along with them. Maria thanked you by name along with the others that had acted as Santa’s elves to make sure everyone’s wishes were granted, and at that, Joel released your hand and wound an arm around your shoulders, pulling you as close as he could while Ellie leaned forward and beamed at you. “It’s no big deal,” you whispered, cheeks burning. “I just like doing it.” 

“It is a big deal and you know it.” He murmured the words into your ear, voice low. “Take some credit for once.” Alright. Agreeing with a nod, you settled back into place as Maria called out names a few at a time, the children of Jackson walking up to take their gifts from her. 

Ellie, Dina, Tara and Jesse were called as a group, and you caught the surprise in her eyes as she turned back to face you. “I didn’t ask for -”

“Go.” Gesturing with your chin, you winked. She made her way to the front of the crowd and took the box from Maria, stepping back to where you and Joel were standing, her lower lip caught firmly between her teeth. 

“You gonna open it?” Joel shifted on his feet, curiosity in his tone. “Probably should. It is a -”

“Yeah, I’m…” She frowned. “This is my first ever Christmas present, so …” It made your heart thump in your chest, and while she was focused on the gift in her hands, you and Joel shared a look, a quick shake of your head enough to keep him from speaking. You both had gifts for her to open on Christmas morning, but you didn’t want to ruin the surprise. “Who’s it from?”

“Think of it as being from Jackson, Ellie. It’s not from one specific person.” You leaned forward. “But I did pick it out.” That was all it took, the girl tearing open the paper to reveal a brightly colored box, one hand pulling the lid off while the other held it steady. 

“Oh, cool!” She grinned up at you, the smile wider than you’d ever seen it on her face. “Art supplies? This is …” She swore under her breath, looking down at what she held in her hands. “Pens and pencils? New notebooks?” She went quiet, staring into the box, and when she looked up at you, it took everything in you to keep your composure. “Thank you. Thank you so much, I… damn this is cool.” 

“You’re welcome, Ellie.” Reaching over, you squeezed her shoulder. “Just make sure you have fun using them, alright?” The girl assured you that she would and then turned around to show Dina and her other friends her present, the four of them talking excitedly about what they’d received. “That went well.”

“You made her night.” He turned to face you, setting his hands on your shoulders. “Thank you.” 

“Of course. Anything to make her smile.” He stared at you for a few seconds and then leaned in, kissing you on the forehead. “What was that for?”

“I’m gonna have to leave you here for a little while. I hope that’s alright.” He stepped backwards, watching you with slightly narrowed eyes. “Stay here with Ellie?” 

“Where else would I go?” He didn’t say anything, turning away from you and stopping next to the girl, leaning over to say something into her ear. You watched with curiosity, and when Ellie stepped next to you again a few seconds later, her eyes bright with excitement, you knew that something was up. “What’s going on, Ellie?”

“Don’t worry about it.” You opened your mouth to speak but she cut you off, opening the box she held again and pulling one of the notebooks out. “What should I draw first? I thought maybe I could go to sketch the horses in the stables, but I’ve already done that, and …” 

She was distracting you and you knew it, but you let it happen, inching closer to the girl and suggesting a few other things for her to draw - the mountains, the town square, some of the people in Jackson, Ellie jotting down a few ideas on the first page. “You know, it’d be easier for you to hold that if you put everything else in your bag.” You tapped her on the back. “Why did you bring this anyway?” 

“I didn’t know how long we’d be out and I wanted a place to put my gloves and hat so I wouldn’t lose them.” She glanced up at you. “Habit, I guess.” That makes sense. “Will you help me?” You nodded, unzipping her backpack and then taking the box from her, leaving the girl holding only the notebook and a pencil. As you tucked the box into the empty pocket and zipped it, you heard the crowd cheering again, your gaze raising from her to the space in front of the tree - where Joel was standing, holding his guitar, Tommy and Maria next to him. “Surprise.” 

 “Ellie, what -” You watched as the younger kids began to make their way toward the front of the crowd, Tommy and Maria talking to the second man, whose fingers were wrapped around the neck of the guitar, flexing every now and then. “Ellie, is he -”

“Just watch.” She pulled on your hand with one of hers, and you stepped through the crowd, too, breath caught around a lump in your throat. 

You’d heard him play before - the man’s nimble fingers strumming notes on his porch and at Tommy and Maria’s, occasionally joining in with his voice, too, but you’d never known him to play for more than a few people at a time. And nearly everyone’s here tonight. “We can’t do anything about the singing,” Maria started, her eyes crinkling at the corners as she smiled. “But Joel’s agreed to play as a live backing track for a few of the carols tonight, if everyone’s alright with that.” 

The kids cheered and some of the adults - including Tommy and Maria - clapped, but it was Ellie’s whistle from right next to you that carried the loudest, Joel’s eyes snapping immediately to her - and then to you, his gaze focused but also a little smug. 

Maria slid the microphone into the stand and then lowered it, pushing it in front of Joel, who slung the guitar’s strap around his neck, getting it into position. 

The first notes rang out over the square - Jingle Bells - and the crowd immediately joined in. But you couldn’t take your eyes off of Joel, watching as he moved his fingers over the frets and strings without lifting his head, the crown of it - and his thick dark hair illuminated by the lights on the tree. For the first time in nearly 20 years, you didn’t join in with the carol singing, one hand lifted to cover your mouth instead. “Are you ok?” Ellie nudged you. “Is this a -”

“Ellie,” You turned your head as the song ended, Joel finally looking up and giving a single nod. “He’s here because of you right now.” She sucked in a breath as he started another song - Frosty the Snowman - the man lowering his head again as he played. “Remember that, OK?” 

“Yeah.” The girl sniffed and then nodded. “Yeah, he is.” You returned your attention to Joel, making note of the set of his shoulders and the way he didn’t fumble a single note, even in the cold. 

He played a couple more - short ones like We Wish You A Merry Christmas and Deck The Halls, and then took a pause, looking up and inhaling deeply. His eyes landed on you and you nodded, gloved fingers of one hand pressed to your lips. “This is gonna be my last one.” He cleared his throat, while still strumming, his voice audible through the mic even though it was quiet since it was positioned so low. “It’s about a reindeer named Rudolph.” 

The kids cheered again, and when Joel started playing the actual song, it didn’t take them long to nearly drown him out with their voices. About halfway through the song, you watched his fingers falter, though he caught himself almost immediately. But then, out of the corner of one eye, you watched as Tommy turned away, bringing one hand up to wipe beneath his eyes. What’s going on? 

Joel finished the song and then pulled his hand away from the strings, fingers curling into a loose fist, and you watched as he steadied himself by taking a deep breath, chin still tucked to his chest. The rest of the crowd was busy clapping and cheering, so they didn’t see Joel raise his hand in the same motion as Tommy - but you did - and so did Ellie. The girl said your name and you turned toward her, uncertain. “Why is -”

“I have no idea, Ellie. I’ll go find out though.” She glanced down at her notebook - a quick sketch of a man and a guitar visible on the page - and then back at you. 

“OK. Let me know if he needs anything. I’m gonna go and work on this.” Telling her you would, you made your way toward where Joel had moved off to, partially out of view next to the tree, Tommy close by. 

You didn’t want to interrupt, but when you heard what your best friend’s husband had to say, you didn’t need to. 

“Haven’t heard you play that in 20 years. Not since the last Christmas with Sarah.” 

— 

He’d almost made it through - almost, but then his fingers had started playing Rudolph, and he hadn’t been able to stop them. It hit him harder than he’d expected, the familiar notes coaxed out with the picking of his fingers, and even though he’d heard the crowd singing along, he hadn’t really heard them, the memory of Sarah and Tommy’s voices joining his in front of a well-lit Christmas tree in a previous life had been all that he could focus on. 

He took a moment when the song ended, catching his breath, and then nodded once at the crowd before he headed for the side of the tree and found Tommy standing there, the man’s eyes rimmed with red. “Fuck, Joel.” 

“Yeah. I know.” There was nothing else to say, and so he waited, pulling the guitar from around his neck and gripping the neck of it as he held it by his side. 

“Haven’t heard you play that in 20 years. Not since the last Christmas with Sarah.” 

He heard your gasp at Tommy’s words, and when both men looked your way, Joel’s chest got tight at the sight of your expression - eyes wide and your body rigid. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude.” 

“You’re not.” Joel spoke, taking a half step toward you. “Not even close.” You moved toward him and though you were hesitant, you reached for his hand, Joel looking down as you took it. For once, your hand looked bigger than his, encased in the thick gloves you wore, and it made him smile, though the expression was gone only a few moments after it appeared. “Tommy’s right, though. Used to play Christmas songs for us after we opened presents. Rudolph was … was her …”

“It was her favorite.” Tommy cleared his throat, moving closer, and Joel only nodded again, fighting back tears. “So Joel always played it last because he knew she’d go nuts adding in all the little … whatta you call them? The extras?” He laughed. “Like a lightbulb and like Monopoly?” 

“We used to do that, too. Right after ‘Santa came to say’ it was always the biggest, loudest ‘ho ho ho’, and -”

“Yeah.” Joel interrupted, tightening his hold on your hand. “It was.” 

“It was good to hear it again, big brother.” Tommy cleared his throat and reached out, clapping a hand on Joel’s arm. “Real good.” He pointed with his free hand at the front of the tree, where the crowd had started singing again, led by Maria and a few of the other women. “But I’m gonna go sing with my wife now, if that’s alright.” Yeah. Yeah, it is. 

He nodded in reply, and when Tommy had brushed past you, telling you to have a good night, it was just the two of you left - and he didn’t know what to say. You knew about Sarah. You knew what losing her had done to him, and you never pushed him to talk more than he wanted to about her. But tonight, I want her to. I want her to … “Did you sing for her, Joel?” Still holding his hand, you led him over to the bench next to his guitar case. “Not just for Christmas, but … when you played?”

“I did.” It was the right question - and one that he was more than happy to answer, Joel nodding as he zipped up the case. “Started out when she was little - I’d sing her nursery rhymes, the ABCs… all of those. When she got older, we’d sing songs on the radio together. She could play a little by the time she was eight or nine, and it was…” He sat back up, sniffling and wiping his nose with the back of one hand. “It was nice to have somethin’ we both liked.” 

“You took her to concerts, right?” He nodded. “Bet that was fun.” 

“It was.” He looked up, the clouds all but gone and the moon and stars shining brightly. “We’d try to go to one every time a band she liked came through Austin. Took her to see shows at the fair sometimes, too.” 

“I miss the fair.” You leaned your head against his shoulder, sighing. “All that food? The games?” That got a short chuckle out of him, Joel nodding as he rested his cheek on the top of your head. “Who was her favorite?”

“Can’t remember the name now. Something Drops. Was the last show we saw together before it all happened.” It was easier to talk with you about Sarah than he thought it would be, but even though that was the case, he felt his breaking point rapidly approaching. “Sorry I didn’t tell you about tonight. I didn’t know … I didn’t want to get your hopes up and then back out last minute.”

“It’s fine. I’m really glad you played. It was nice to see. And hear.” The crowd was beginning to disperse, everyone breaking away from the main tree and heading for the booths that surrounded it, and Joel figured that it wouldn’t take long for Ellie to find the two of you. 

You shivered next to him and Joel hummed your name, waiting until you sat up to look at him. “There anything else to stay here and see?” 

“Not really, no. People are going to start heading home soon. It’s cold as shit, and once the singing’s done, it’s just socializing.” 

“We should get going then.” He looked down, eyes on his guitar case. “Want to get this back into the house.” He stood and reached out to take your hand but you surprised him, bending down and grabbing the strap of the case, rising to your feet and sliding it over one shoulder. “I can carry that.”

“I’ve got it, Joel.” He opened his mouth to protest, but you shook your head, giving him a soft smile. “Let’s go find Ellie.” 

— 

Two hours later, the three of you were back at his house, Ellie tucked into her garage for the night and you sound asleep in his bed. But even though he’d taken you to bed - the sex slow and gentle, more roaming hands and lingering mouths than anything else, Joel was wide awake. 

So he slipped out of bed, kissing your temple and coaxing a quiet sigh from your lips before he turned the space heater on and headed downstairs, pulling his boots and jacket back on. His guitar was leaning against the wall in his entryway and he grabbed that, too, carrying it onto the porch and lighting the lantern before he sat down. 

He plucked a few notes once he was settled, but his eyes were trained forward - the man staring out at the street in front of him, on the single light in the neighbor’s upstairs window, and then, finally, on the stars again, his fingers picking up speed as he continued to play. 

The notes carried out into the still night air, and even though he wasn’t playing anything in particular, Joel felt himself relaxing, the weight of the emotion from playing in front of the town and playing Sarah’s song bleeding out of him. 

He wasn’t surprised when, a few minutes later, he heard the door open and you stepped out onto the porch, blanket wrapped around your shoulders. “Didn’t mean to wake you.

“It’s alright.” Shrugging, you lowered yourself onto the railing, bracing your back on the support beam. “Unless you’d rather I go back inside.” 

“No.” He played another note and then pulled his hand away, raising it to scratch the back of his neck. “No, stay.” 

And you did, leaning back and staying quiet, content to listen to Joel strumming the guitar in the frigid darkness. He was content, too, the man humming under his breath as he played, the creaking of the rocking chair he sat on quiet enough so that the music drowned it out. 

But when he switched to a different song and started singing along as he played, he heard your sharp intake of breath, watching the way you leaned forward as he brought his gaze in from the horizon to meet yours. 

It wasn’t one that he played often - and because he’d wanted to keep things short and sweet for the kids earlier, he’d only practiced it a few times after finding the Christmas sheet music he’d used to refamiliarize himself with the songs. But it was one of his favorites, and it seemed natural to play it that night. Especially for her. 

He wasn’t the best singer - and he knew it - but you didn’t seem to mind as you listened, head tilted to one side and your eyes closing briefly as he reached the first chorus, your smile growing from a small one into one that overtook your face. Is this really all it takes? All I need to be… 

When he paused between verses to take a breath, you stood, keeping your eyes on him, and Joel found himself unable to look away. I don’t want to. He stumbled over the notes but you didn’t seem to notice, leaning back against the wood again as you resituated the blanket, drawing it tighter around yourself. 

He finished the second verse and then started another chorus but stopped abruptly, setting the guitar down and standing, taking the two steps it took him to reach you. “Joel, wh-” You breathed out the words, unable to do much because of the way the blanket was wrapped around you, and let him tip your chin up, mouth opening slightly in surprise. 

“I know I’m not the easiest person to be around.” He stroked your lower lip with his thumb, frowning. “And I know I drive you an’ Ellie crazy sometimes.”

“You do.” You winked at him, Joel scoffing and blowing out a puff of air, his breath visible, even in the low light. “But we don’t mind.” 

“Good. I hope it stays that way.” Leaning in, he kissed you, his eyes finally closing as your mouths met. You stretched your arms out and enveloped him in the blanket with you, the pressure of your hands on his upper back pulling him in even closer. 

It was unbelievable to him that a mere 8 months earlier, he hadn’t known you, and as he deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue between your lips and into your waiting mouth, he groaned at the realization that whatever he felt about the timeframe of your relationship, you likely did too.”We should go inside, Joel. It’s freezing out here.” 

You spoke against his cheek, but Joel didn’t move toward the door, instead winding both arms around your body and hugging you tightly, keeping you rooted to the spot you stood in. “I think I can warm you up.” He sighed, kissing you again. “In fact, I know I can.” 

The truth was that he was in no hurry to move - and for a man that had spent two decades of his life constantly looking over his shoulder and thinking three steps ahead, it was a drastic - but welcome - change for him. 

He felt it then, the thing that had been slowly growing inside him over the previous few months threatening to spill from his lips. Oh, shit. As he stared at you, again focused on the look in your eyes, he saw it in them, too - though he knew that you were reluctant to admit it. Because she thinks it’ll scare me. 

And it did - it terrified him, after so long of keeping everyone at arm’s length - including Tess - for the sake of ease. But as the two of you made your way back into the house, Joel grabbing the guitar along the way and you locking the door behind you, he understood that the terror he felt was a very different kind than he was used to. And it feels… good.

You both headed up the steps and back into the bedroom, Joel stopping to turn off the space heater before he climbed in next to you. “C’mere.” You rolled toward him and he pressed his forehead against yours, holding you like that. I think I’m fallin’ in love with you the same way you’re fallin’ in love with me. But what came out was something else - not quite as revealing, but still just as meaningful. “Can’t wait to spend Christmas with you. Didn’t think it’d be like this again.” 

“Yeah, well…” You kissed him, then, your mouth lingering on his, and he knew that he was right - that despite all of his previous objections and promises to do everything to protect himself, he did love you. An’ she loves me, even if we can’t say it yet. “You’re stuck with me, Joel.” 

He laughed, the sound little more than a quiet huff, but it was interrupted by you pushing him onto his back and staring down at him, the smile still on your lips. Alright. This I can … this I can do. “Gonna let me warm you up now?” With a single nod, your mouth descended again, covering his. 

—

tag list reblog coming soon! 

[emilylawsons]

What do you think would've become of Joel had he not met Tess? And vice versa?

Oh, man, that’s hard to say. I definitely think Tess would’ve made it further than he did. I think she would have found herself a steady group or another person to work with and made something of herself for a long time. For her, I don’t think much changes unless she finds her own version of Frank (as he is in the show) who convinces her life is still possible outside of the survival of the fittest she’s so used to. Because I do believe the right person could keep her focused on the idea of a better future while they search for it. However, if she doesn’t find that person, I see her ending up the same.

But Joel? I think he would have given up sooner, or Tommy would’ve had to pick him up off his ass just to keep him alive. Perhaps they wouldn’t have separated like they did. In any case, I definitely think Joel would have let himself wallow in Sarah’s death more, since meeting Tess gave him a new purpose and someone new to protect. Maybe he could have channeled his need to protect into Tommy, but that doesn’t feel like it would be the same for him. And if he survived, kept his will to live, I’m not convinced he would be as hardened. It was gaining Tess and having something valuable that he cannot lose, I believe, that pushed him to such desperation.

But that also means he wouldn’t be in a position for Marlene to seek him out about Ellie. In fact, I doubt he’d be in Boston at all. Ultimately, I think he and Tommy would have ended up in Wyoming together. But once they settled, he would watch Tommy move on and find love and a family, and it would be much harder for him. Maybe eventually he would settle for “safe” and find love. He would work his ass off trying to do right. Maybe he would be happy.

But all of that hinges on him surviving to get there. And I’m a firm believer that having Tess kept him alive when his despair was at its worst. And it’s a sad truth, but there are just as many ways they’re better apart as they are better together. It’s kind of a paradox.

And who knows? Maybe if they were both able to go down the more positive routes without each other, they would eventually find each other in a better state. But that hope is probably wishful thinking.

Thanks for the ask! This was really fun to think through. 😊

[westadventure24]

Day 4 - That’s history!!!

Hello all! I apologize for such a late update. I had my usual morning post all done and ready to go and then no service when I went to post.

The chilly temperature this morning in Custer woke me up early so I decided to take Lily for a walk around the lake as the sun came up. Lily enjoyed all the strange smells and I think she was trying her best to hunt down that bison who was in camp the night before. (Side note, when we pulled out this morning the behemoth beast was standing right at the edge of the road. I guess he likes camping!) taking that lake walk this morning was contagious. Everyone went walking by the lake in their own time, but Todd was the only one lucky enough to see any horned wildlife. Well, I guess Mom saw some too since she went with Dad. 😊

After walking and organizing, we headed towards Mountain Rushmore. A dear friend of mine, Joanie, told me once “It is like nothing you have ever seen. Indescribable.” She was not wrong!

As Todd maneuvered the camper van through the S curves and beautiful mountains, there it was. The feeling brought me back to that same excitement when I was a kid screaming, “I see the Eiffel Tower!!!” as we neared King’s Island. But this…WOW! To see one and only completed, hand carved, rock sculpture of the faces of four of the most influential presidents U.S. history is truly unbelievable. Seeing it in books and pictures just doesn’t do it justice. Even Lily stopped to look!!! I asked Mom if she ever thought she would see it in person…her response was nothing short of what anyone reading this would expect, “No, I did not.” I am so thankful that she was able to see what some might call the 8th Wonder of the World. (I don’t know if anyone actually calls it that except the guy I heard say it while we were there, but it sounded feasible to me!)

After our visit to Mount Rushmore, we made our way to Deadwood, SD, where Wild Bill Hickok and Calamity Jane are laid to rest. After watching, the HBO series of the same name a few years back, I couldn’t wait to visit the famous western gold mining town. I have to say, I was highly disappointed in the town as it was not the original or even the close reproduction that I had expected, but much more commercialized with casinos and souvenir shops being nearly every establishment on Main Street. We didn’t let that ruin our fun! Todd’s hopes were deflated when he discovered the brothel had been shut down by the FBI over 40 years ago. Just kidding….he had no idea…didn’t even know the sign was there when I took his picture!! 😂

While Calamity Jane always raised a ruckus, I knew Dad would give her a run for her money. A local bartender recommended the Oyster Bay restaurant for the best pizza in town, so off we went. Like everywhere else, they had slot machines. What we learned is that not only Dad, but Mom, had missed their calling….millwright and customer service worker, pfft! They should have moved west and became gamblers! We gave them each $2 and Todd showed them how the penny slot worked. Mom won $9.64 and Dad won $7.35! They nearly won enough to pay for their lunch AND were smart enough to cash out and be done!

After making a brief stop at the Bar where Wild Bill Hickok was shot while holding a hand of Aces and Eights, we decided to head out of town after making one last stop at Mt. Moriah cemetery where Bill, Jane and the town’s first sheriff, Seth Bullock, were buried. I mean, we were there, right? Why not?

On the road again, Wyoming brings a different kind of terrain….many meadows of antelope, but coolest of all was seeing Devil’s Tower in the distance as we made our way to our campground in Moorcroft. I guess I have been doing this way too long both Mom and Todd just asked if I had posted. Until tomorrow family and friends! ❤️