#ellie x joel

[alloftheimagines]

joel miller | shelter

masterlist | taglist | ko-fi

note: this can be read as part two of survive

words: 2.4k

warnings: 18+. please do not continue if you're uncomfortable with discussions surrounding rape/sexual assault, violence, blood, and cannibalism. spoilers.

synopsis: after the events of episode eight in which reader takes ellie's place as david's hostage, joel finds a cabin where he can take care of you in the middle of the woods. hurt, comfort, and fluff ensues. reader x joel, reader x ellie, and joel x ellie interactions, but mostly joel cleaning you up after a horrific experience.

tags: @sweetbabygirlsworld @m4tthewmurd0ck

It feels like you’re walking for miles before you find the abandoned, dusty cabin in the middle of the woods.

Your teeth chatter as Joel leads you inside, Ellie following behind. The smell is stale and it isn’t much warmer, but you’re out of the snow and that’s enough for now. When you see snow, you see blood, too. 

“Alright, here we go,” Joel says, propping his gun against a ratty couch and looking around. 

Ellie shuts the door on the howling wind, raising her brows. “Not bad.”

“Let’s see if we can find anything to clean up with.” Joel begins searching the small cupboards above a sink still stacked with plates. 

You don’t know what to do, don’t know how to think about anything but the blood in your hair. His blood. You need it off you, need to rid yourself of any hint that he ever existed, ever hurt you. Absently, you scratch your arms and wander over to the fireplace. Charred tinder and ash sit in the hearth, and beside it, a pile of logs have been stacked haphazardly. You throw a couple in and shrug off your backpack, your fingers trembling as you find a lighter. Anything to help you feel something other than this yawning emptiness, this black hole, this disgust and this fear. 

“Fuck, yeah!” Ellie exclaims, yanking her gloves off and warming her hands. You offer a wry smile, perching on the closest couch and trying to focus on the orange glow. 

But then you think of the candles in the restaurant. The way you set David alight with them. The stench of burning clothes and hair as you walked away. 

You close your eyes, your fingers curling so tightly into your palms that they leave marks behind. 

“Hey,” Ellie says softly, kneeling in front of you. “You’re safe now, y’know?”

“I know, kiddo.” You put on a brave face for her benefit, though she’s smart enough to know you’re not okay. “Thanks.”

“What did… What did he do to you?” 

Before you can answer, Joel’s stern voice echoes around the cabin. “Ellie, go see what you can find. There should be a bathroom, washcloths, somethin’.”

Sighing, Ellie offers you a kind expression, which you return, and then she disappears into the next room. 

You cast Joel an impatient look. “You don’t have to do that.” You push off the couch and wander over to him. “How’s your wound? Any pain?”

His jaw ticks, and he shakes his head. “I’m fine.”

“You need to rest.” It was hard to believe he was still standing at all, and you hadn’t missed his bloody knuckles. You wonder what he’d done, who he’d beat just to get to you. James, maybe, and the men David threatened would find them. It’s a miracle any of you are here. 

“You need to drink.” Joel pulls a bottle of water from his pack and hands it to you, watching you carefully like he’s just waiting for you to break. “I’ll go hunting first thing tomorrow. Get you some food.”

You think of the ear in the kitchen, the meat on the plate David offered you, and your stomach turns. Using the counter for support, you take a steady breath. 

“Baby…” Joel is there in an instant, his hand caressing the small of your back. 

“I’m okay,” you lie. 

He hesitates a moment. “Did he…?”

You know what he’s asking. Did he rape you? “No. No. He tried.” A wave of anguish rolls up in you, so thick in your throat that you feel like you might throw up again. “I slaughtered him, Joel. I… I couldn’t stop. There was so much blood.”

Joel’s nostrils flare with suppressed anger, but he pulls you closer, smoothing down your matted, tangled hair. “He deserved it.” 

“I didn’t think I was getting out of there,” you admit, voice cracking with tears. 

“You did, darlin’.” He sighs, wrapping his arms around you. “You got out. I've got you now. You’re safe.”

You’ve never accepted comfort so readily before, always desperate to prove to Joel that you can be just as strong as him, that you can carry his burdens as well as your own. But you’re losing your grip tonight; on yourself and on everything that you know. Something has changed in you after seeing the monstrosities that men like David can commit. It’s like he’s poisoned you, and you can feel it creeping beneath your skin. 

Ellie reappears from the other room, waving a bottle of what looks to be shampoo in her hand. “The bathroom’s well-stocked. And I’m calling dibs on the bed, by the way.”

“Like hell you are,” Joel grumbles, giving you a final squeeze before urging you forward. “C’mon. We’ll clean you up now.”

***

You look in the grimy mirror and don’t recognise yourself. Blood is splattered all over your face, clothes, hair. Your wrists are blistered, angry red welts covering your skin where you tried to wriggle out of your rope ties. 

Joel has sent Ellie back into the other room to warm up more water, and you’re glad for that. 

“You mind if I check that cut on the back of your head first?” Joel asks gently. 

You shake your head, watching his reflection as he moves behind you and separates through your hair to see your injury. You don’t remember how you got it now. You were knocked out by James, but David gave you a beating too before you…

You give a sharp intake of breath as the memories flood back again, and Joel pulls away quickly. “Sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“No. You didn’t.” You swallow. “I was just… remembering.” 

Understanding crosses his features. “Sit down,” he offers, as though he knows that you can’t bear to be haunted by your reflection for a moment longer. You do, perching on the edge of the bath. He goes back to checking your injury. 

“It’s not too deep,” he murmurs, his touch feather-light. “Should be okay once we get it clean. ‘S it hurt a lot?”

“No.” Nothing hurts, though you know it should. You can barely focus on anything but the aching heaviness in your chest, the unease in your stomach, the thought that you’ll have to live with this now. Knowing that the world is even more broken than you thought, and it almost killed you. 

“Gonna clean your face first. That okay?”

You nod, and he rolls up his sleeves as he kneels in front of you, wringing out a washcloth in the sink of water he’d warmed by the fire. You want to tell him you can do it yourself, but you can’t. You don’t want to be left alone in this bathroom. You don’t want to watch the blood drip into the water. You don’t want Joel to leave you when you thought you’d lost him for good not too long ago. 

Carefully, he runs his thumb over the bruise on your cheek. “I should'a got there quicker.”

“You were a little busy trying not to die,” you remind him. You take his hand, finally allowing yourself to acknowledge his bruised and bloody knuckles. “They came for you, too?”

He grimaces, pulling away as though ashamed. “Don’t you worry about that. I took care of it.” 

“You always do,” you say, throat feeling raw. “You always take care of us.”

He softens, brushing your hair behind your ear. “You took care of yourself just fine today, baby You shouldn’t have had to, and I’m so… I’m so sorry.”

“Stop saying that. Please.” Tears slip down your cheeks. “It isn’t your fault. Please don’t make this your burden, Joel. This one… this is all mine, and I’ll gladly take it if it means you and Ellie’re okay.”

“We ain’t okay if you’re not.” He wipes your tears away. “I thought… I thought I’d lost you.” Now it’s his voice that fractures, and it leaves you sinking with pain. His pain and your own. “I was so scared. Could barely breathe. I’m never letting that happen again, you hear?”

You can only dip your head as you choke on a sob, wishing you could be stronger. Wishing all of this was easier. 

Joel begins dabbing your face with the washcloth, holding your chin between his thumb and forefinger. You close your eyes when you see it come away red, trying to focus on the water lapping in the sink when he rinses it and squeezes it out. 

“That’s it, baby girl. Close your eyes. Let me take care of it.” 

You do, and his touch keeps you grounded, keeps you from slipping back into that cage, or worse, back into David’s arms. For a moment, you’re not in an abandoned cabin, twenty years into a pandemic. For a moment, you’re home, letting the man you love take care of you without guns or threat; with only a washcloth and a tender hand. 

He’s careful against your bruise, and he doesn’t leave any spot unclean; your jaw, your neck, behind your ears. 

“Almost done,” he promises, but you wouldn’t mind if it took all night. 

He lets the water swirl down the drain when he’s done, and Ellie comes in soon after with another heated pan. 

“Thanks, kiddo,” you say, blinking the droplets from your eyelashes. 

“Is there anything else I can do to help?”

Joel gives her a warm smile and squeezes her shoulder. “We got it covered. Go get the couch ready. You know, since you’re sleeping there tonight.”

She groans in a very teenagerly way, trudging out of the bathroom as though she hasn’t spent many a night on forest floors. You can’t help but let out a small laugh, and Joel smirks at the sound.

“Pain in the ass," he comments with more adoration than annoyance.

“You love her and you know it.”

He only hums, grabbing a cup. “Lean your head back for me.”

You do, feeling renewed when the water trickles down your scalp and into the dirty bathtub. It reminds you of being a kid again, not yet old enough to wash your own hair. Somehow, the nostalgia leaves you emotional, and you’re trying not to cry again. 

“Hey, hey,” Joel says, putting the cup down. When you sob, he breathes, “I know. I know. C’mere.”

He pulls you into his chest without caring about how you dampen his shirt, and you clutch onto him as the grief, the terror, all rush through you. You can’t control it. It’s been pent up for too long, and this is your last straw. The thing that has pushed you over the rocky edge. 

Joel only whispers again and again: “I know. You’re okay, baby. I got you.”

***

Later, after you have stopped crying for long enough to let Joel shampoo your hair and the fire has died to embers you can’t risk rekindling, you crawl into your sleeping bed on top of the double mattress that Ellie so desperately wanted to sleep in. You smell like strawberries, and your skin is brand new, having scrubbed it top to bottom once Joel left the bathroom. You’re wearing one of the shirts he picked up at Bill and Frank’s over your own sweater, and it carries his musk, his warmth. 

Joel is looking out of the windows. After so much danger, you know it’s hard for him to settle. To believe that you might just be okay for one night.

“Joel?”

“Hmm?” The room is dark, but you see him glance your way, eyes shiny in the moonlight. 

“Come to bed. Please.”

His brows furrow, and he sits on the mattress slowly. “I can take the floor if you don’t want—”

“I do. I do want.”

“You don’t think I should keep watch?”

“I think we’re in the middle of fucking nowhere. Only things that’ll be bothering us here are the birds and the deer.” You regret bringing that up as soon as it leaves your mouth. You think of the deer you hunted, the thing that brought you to David, and stiffen. 

Joel must sense it, because he slouches in resignation and kicks off his boots. “Okay. Just for a little bit.”

You scooch over in your sleeping bag in the hopes he’ll understand what you need. 

He does. He slips in, holding an arm out so you can curl into him, so you do. His chest is warm, breaths steady, and if you can just stay like this for a while, maybe you’ll be okay again. 

“Sleep, darlin’,” he whispers into your hair. “I’ll be right here.”

“Do you think we’ll make it through this in the end?” you wonder aloud. “Ellie, the cure… if we make it out alive, if all this turns out to be worth it, what will we do afterwards? Where will it leave us? We can’t go back to Boston.”

“We don’t have to worry about that now.” He strokes your arm, and goosebumps rise on your skin. 

“I need something to hold onto, Joel,” you admit. “I need to imagine it won’t always be this bad.”

Moments pass, the silence a cold, unwelcome blanket across you. But then Joel folds it away. “When this is over, we’ll go back to Jackson. You, me, and Ellie. We’ll get us a real house, live a boring life with Tommy. Go watch movies and yell at Ellie for being a little shit.”

You snort at that, and her voice echoes from the front room: “I can hear you!” 

“Go to sleep!” Joel yells back. 

“I would if I wasn’t lying on an old uncomfortable couch with the fucking fleas!” 

You roll your eyes, rubbing his chest lovingly. “Just get in here and stop complaining!”

“Seriously?” he murmurs, though there is no surprise there; only something warm, amused. If you can find that after a day like today, you can find it anywhere, you think. 

Before you can reply, Ellie’s hopeful face appears in the shadows. She clutches her sleeping bag, a cheeky grin on her face. “Shift over, old man.”

Joel glares, but he pulls you closer so that Ellie can lie on the other side of you. You wrinkle your nose as she jumps onto the bed, kicking herself into her sleeping bag with little grace. He huffs and puffs, murmuring into your ear, “Regret it yet?”

“No,” you say, and you’re not just talking about the offer for Ellie to join you anymore. You pull her into you so that you’re sandwiched by the two people you love most in the world, and finally, with Joel’s warmth at your back and Ellie’s ponytail in your face, you feel safe. 

Joel’s fingers trail up and down your spine as Ellie settles, and they stay there as you slowly fall asleep. 

If this is what Joel’s boring life will be like, you’re ready for Jackson. You’re ready to go home with your family.

[arcadiabay]

ELLIE + JOEL in 1.05 (HBO) THE LAST OF US

[elliesgaythoughts]

fallacy

a/n: this is my first attempt at something like this so any feedback would be really appreciated.

warnings: angst, symptoms of ptsd.

an icy breeze slithered through the gap in the old farmhouse window, creeped around the bedroom and ran straight up ellies spine.

a sudden gasp from her own throat broke her from the torment of her subconscious and swooped her back into reality as her flesh drained of colour.

cold sweat treacled down her forehead as her eyes caught onto the flowing movement of her curtains as she rolled out of dinas claustrophobic grip and sighed while she stared at the blank ceiling.

her feet finally left the bed and broke the silence of the night with a creak of the floorboards. she rubbed her eyes as she stood straight, ready to beeline towards jj’s crib-her eyes grew twice the size, her heart stilling as she saw a shadow slither out of the bedroom, she could hear her own heartbeat in her ears. “you’re imagining things” she lied to herself. somewhat knowingly as she tucked jj tighter into her blanket and nudged ollie closer to him.

after glancing back at dina and creaking the door closed she spun on her heels. with each step forward her heart pounded in her chest, her head spun and she struggled to breathe as her hand clamped over her heart as she inhaled rushed breaths.

the cold air filled her lungs as she followed the faint sounds of a guitar. joels guitar.

“joel?” she whisper shouted as her feet hit the creaky floorboards hurriedly as she rushed into the room.

what she saw was worse than what she could’ve imagined, her spirit crushing at how the instrument sat still underneath the moonlight, covered in dust. completely untouched “shit” she whispers.

“ellie” she felt her soul leave her body “yes?” she pleaded “yes joel?” the words coursed through her veins and sent tremors down her spine “ellie!” he shouted in pain.

tears welled in her eyes as she heard her name fade into the distance. her chest felt like it was being crushed. her body felt like a prison, her stomach aching as she smelled the light tinge of joels morning coffee through her rapid breaths.

she ran downstairs, her vision blurry as she gripped the railing “joel please” her sight only readjusting to show the endless staircase that lead towards joels deathbed.

her shrunken pupils fixated on the golden doorknob as she sprinted down the staircase “joel!” her ears ringing with his grunts and the sound of fists hitting his flesh. the smell of his cologne, leather and the blaze of campfire rippled through her senses as she burst through the door to be enveloped underneath a sky of stars and joels soft gaze “so this dina? she your girlfriend?”

her jaw fell slack as a gasp left her. hot tears streamed down her freckled face as she stepped forward and collapsed into his arms. she felt his chest rise and fall, his calm heartbeat against her rapid one as he sighed and ran his fingers through her scalp “i got you kiddo” he hummed.

she pressed her cheek to his, the scruff of his beard tickling her face as it usually done when he would hug her fears away. she felt true calm, true peace for the first time in what felt like ten lifetimes as she melted into him.

her lips curved into a gentle smile as her eyes fluttered close and her tears of terror turned into tears of joy as the corners of her mouth tugged up as she squeezed him tighter.

a sigh of relief left her chest and her breath steadied as she finally let herself calm down “joel-

dinas giggle rang through her ears as green eyes fluttered open and the morning sunlight hit eyes them. the sound of jj giggling in his crib brought her back into reality as dinas gentle fingertips brushed the auburn hair from ellies teary eyes “good morning sweetheart”

“no!” ellie screamed “no!” dinas smile faded. she knew what had happened. she watched it happen almost every night since they moved onto that farm.

ellie sobbed “no, please” she begged. “ellie, please. it was just a dream” dina reached out to cradle ellie but she shoved the brunette away “no h-he was right infront of me, he-“

her eyes met dinas sorrowful ones as her erratic behaviour subsided at the sound of jj’s cries “it was just a dream wasn’t it?” dinas chest jumped with the sob she tried to conceal as she mumbled “yes” while playing with her fingers.

ellie leaned forward and wrapped her arms around dina as both of them broke down in eachothers arms “im so sorry” ellie sniffled.

“it’s not your fault” dinas promised as she ran her fingers through ellies locks as she frowned to herself “please believe me”

ellie couldn’t help but shake her head in disapproval, an emotionless laugh leaving her “sometimes i feel like it is”

@williamellieslilho @yourelliewillms @moonalumi @pascals-doll @infiniteinquiries @aouiaa @radioheadfan699 @lmaoo-spiderman @quinnister @cattjull

[noone6252]

i know, i'm sorry

[tlounetwork]

It’s okay, baby girl. I got you. THE LAST OF US 1.08 “When We Are In Need”

[bestwitchsam]

Season II.   The HBO Original Series #TheLastOfUs returns in 2025 on

@StreamOnMax. #TLOUDay

[rhcenyra]

THE LAST OF US ⇢ 1x04 | PLEASE HOLD TO MY HAND

[shesimplydoesnotknow]

Me? A Joel Miller apologist? I don’t think so.

I will not be apologizing for Joel’s actions in the hospital arc I’ll simply be condoning them. I said what I said.

[jammingjoellie]

Look at me like I'm the Sun.

.

.

.

[nerdside]

The Last Of Us episode 2 + References

[alloftheimagines]

joel miller | survive

masterlist | taglist | ko-fi

words: 4.7k

warnings: 18+! not for minors! please please please read the warnings and skip this one if you're uncomfortable with the subject matter.

episode eight reimagining with the same hard-hitting themes: blood, violence, cannibalism, sexual assault, killing, abduction, vomit. reader takes the place of ellie. angst. hurt/comfort. no happy ending as requested because i wasn't sure that could exist in these circumstances, but there is now a part two where joel takes care of reader and the fic ends on a lighter note.

prompt: Hi! Would love to request something for Joel Miller 🥰 Angst but with a happy ending, after seeing episode 8 I thought maybe reader is with Joel and Ellie, but this time Ellie stays back to keep an eye on Joel so reader gets kidnapped and is the one Joel basically comes back from the dead to save? hahshxdjfbf I just imagine them reuniting and UGH 🥹❤️ Feel free to ignore this if inspiration doesn’t strike!

tags: @sweetbabygirlsworld

You’re terrified of losing Joel. So terrified that instead of watching him shiver and sweat on an old, bloodied mattress as his infection spreads, you opt to go out and hunt. It isn’t solely selfish. You need food, and Ellie needs to rest. At least this way you’re doing something productive rather than waiting for a miracle. 

Still, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything but the knot in your stomach, the one that keeps asking “what if?” What if Joel doesn’t make it? How will you survive past that grief for long enough to keep Ellie safe? How will you go back to Jackson and tell Tommy that his brother is gone?

You’re lost in those thoughts when you hear the crunching of snow, and you try to shake them away, readying Joel’s shotgun as you search for the source. 

A deer. It’s so beautiful that for a second, you forget that it’s supposed to be your next meal. You’d forgotten beauty still existed in a world so broken, forgotten that nature can still be kind. 

But humans can’t. Not if you want to survive; not if you want Joel to survive. 

You take a deep breath. Adjust your posture. Shoot. 

The bullet doesn’t hit where you want it to; where you know you should have been aiming if only you weren’t so distracted. The deer darts away. Whispering a curse, you follow the trail of blood —

And find more than you bargained for. Two men wait with the dying deer at their feet. They look… clean. Comfortable. Not people struggling to find food or clothing. You raise your gun again immediately, and theirs point back at you. 

“Put your guns down,” you order, trying to sound braver than you feel. You did alright before Joel came into your life, but it’s been a while since you’ve been alone and it’s hard to summon the strength that used to come so easy. 

“You first,” the darker-haired man says, narrowing his gaze. 

The fairer man glances warily before slowly lowering his. Good. At least one of them is smart. 

“Not going to happen. On the ground. Kick it away.” You shift on your feet, gripping your gun tightly and readying your finger on the trigger. You don’t enjoy killing people, but you will if you have to. If it means getting back to Joel and Ellie. 

“James,” the unarmed man says, calm authority firm in his voice. The one in charge, then. “Do as she says.” He holds up his hands in surrender as his friend, James, finally puts his gun away. “We mean no trouble. We’d just like to talk.”

“So talk,” you bite out, making no move to lower your own gun. 

“Alright.” His breath is visible in the cool air, nose pink and runny. “My name is David. This is James. We’re from a town just south of here.”

“Good for you. Maybe you should go back now.”

An amused smirk twitches at his mouth. “Thing is, we have a lot of mouths to feed down there, and this deer… it would keep us going for a week. Maybe two.”

“Shame it isn’t yours,” you say.

A short sigh escapes him. “Right. It is a shame. But if I could offer you warm shelter and good food, a welcoming community, why couldn’t we share?” 

You raise your eyebrows. “I’m not interested in negotiating.”

“With all due respect, ma’am… as far as I can tell, you’re all alone in these woods. There’s no reason why you have to be.”

It’s clear the other man, James, isn’t in on David’s kind offer. His mouth is pursed in a thin line, jaw grinding as though he’s holding back from saying something. Welcoming community, my ass. 

Still, an idea strikes. You need something else more than you need the deer, and if this town has supplies… “You have medicine in this town of yours?”

David hesitates before dipping his head. “We do.”

“Antibiotics?”

“Yes…”

Hope swells in you for the first time since Joel was injured. 

“If you put the gun down, we’d be much more open to discussing what it is you need,” he continues. “Please?”

Gulping, you slowly lower your gun — but you keep it in your hand just in case, stomach still filled with unease. Not every settlement will be like Jackson, and there’s something… off about these two. 

“If you get me that medicine, you can have the deer.”

“We can do you one better. We have a nurse down in the village who can help you with your injury. If you just come with us…”

“No,” you say. “You’ll bring the medicine here, to me.”

Another strange smile. “You’ll be much more likely to survive the winter if you let us help you.”

Impatient, you raise your gun again. “Bring it or stop wasting my damn time.”

David lifts his hands again. “Okay. Alright. James, go and fetch what the lady needs.” 

“David—” James begins to protest, but is quickly cut off. 

“Go on now.” 

Reluctantly, he does, and then it’s just the two of you. 

“I know a place you can get warm,” he offers. “It’s just through the trees. An old greenhouse. No need to wait out here in the cold.”

It makes your gut twist, how he seems to be determined to get you moving, to take you out of these woods. And there’s a glint in his eye, something untrustworthy there — even his right-hand man seemed to see it. Nobody follows orders like that with pure reasons. He’s… scared, or at least threatened. 

“I’m fine just here.”

“Okay. What’s your name?”

“I’m the one holding a gun, which means I’ll be the one asking questions. How many people are there in this town of yours?”

“Forty. Like I said, there’s room for one more. Perhaps it was God’s will, us meeting today.”

Oh, good, you think. He’s a God botherer. You didn’t particularly subscribe to religion before the world turned to shit, and you sure as hell have better things to do than pray now. 

“Unless you’re not alone.” His voice seems to lower as though he knows something, and you stiffen instinctively. “Is the injury yours?”

“It’s none of your business.”

He no longer seems to be staring down the barrel of your gun, but right into you. “Because a few of our men had some trouble a few days ago. A man, a woman, and a young girl. Man was thought to be badly injured, you see. If he lived… well, I’d imagine that kinda wound would be susceptible to a nasty infection.”

He knows. He always knew. The raiders you crossed paths with, the ones who hurt Joel… 

You no longer feel like the one holding the gun. You feel like the deer bleeding on the snow between you. Prey. Still, you set your chin. “I don’t know what you mean. I travel alone.”

“See, I believe you, but the thing is… my friend, James… he’s not so certain. I’d imagine that once he comes back with that medicine, he’ll be rounding up a few men to go hunting for these people. If what you’re saying is true, I wouldn’t want you to be caught in the middle of that. That’s why it’s much safer you just come with me now, see?” 

Your upper lip curls into a warning snarl, finger twitching on the gun’s trigger. But if you kill him, you won’t get Joel’s medicine. You’ll lose him. “I’m sure I’ll be fine.” 

“Hmm.” He debates this. “There’s a third option.”

“Not interested.”

“I think you are,” he pushes. “I think you’re one of them, and I think you’re trying to help your man. Very noble, but strange. You don’t seem a good match. You’re so… young, so calm, and from what I hear, he’s dangerous. Ruthless, even. A cold-blooded killer. Maybe if you come into town with me now, we can arrange for that medicine to be delivered without my brigade charging in and doing some damage. There’s a place for you. Your daughter, too. You don’t need to be tied to him anymore.”

You want to scoff, or else laugh in his face. Does he believe you’re that simple, that stupid? Does he believe you’re a fucking damsel in need of saving?

Anger simmers in you at the thought. “I think it’s about time you shut up.” You point the barrel at his head now, right between his brows.

He doesn’t balk, doesn’t tremble, doesn’t so much as blink, and you’re beginning to understand. He’s the type of man who uses religion to veil whatever monster lies beneath. He isn’t some small-town do-gooder, though he might believe it. 

You dread to think what he might be capable of. 

“I think it’s about time you drop your weapon.” The voice doesn’t belong to David. It comes from behind along with the feeling of cold metal against the back of your skull. You risk a glance over your shoulder to see the man from before, James. You should have heard him creep up, should have seen, but you were so focused on the one in front of you.

Your heart thunders as you realise you might not get out of it this time. 

“We only want you to come with us,” David says, eyes round with feigned innocence. “That’s all. We don’t want to hurt you.”

“The gun to my head says otherwise. What would God say about this?” you retort, dripping venom because it’s all you have left. 

A strange sadness crosses David’s face. “It didn’t have to be this way.”

Before you can pull the trigger, something heavy slams into your skull, and then darkness swallows you whole. 

***

You wake in a cage, the taste of blood on your tongue and your wrists bound by rope. David is on the other side of the bars in what looks to be a kitchen, utensils hanging on the wall. Great butchers’ knives and cleavers wink at you in the watery daylight. You go cold with fear, crawling to the furthest corner of the cage. 

“Let me go,” you say. “Let me go!” 

“I’m sorry. It’s for your own good,” he says. “You were corrupted, but I can help you see the light again.”

“Why are you doing this?” You’re choking on a sob, thoughts of Joel and Ellie running through your mind. What if they found them? Joel is in and out of consciousness and Ellie can’t fight on her own. 

David curls his fingers around the bars. “It’s God’s will. I was meant to meet you today. This is where you’re supposed to be.”

“In a fucking cage?” you spit, voice echoing around the kitchen. You pull at the rope until your skin splits, crying out when you realise this is it. There’s no way out. You’re trapped, and you have no idea what this man truly wants with you. 

“This is merely a precaution,” he says. “I was wrong about you before. You are dangerous too. You have a dark heart, just like me. If you would just surrender, you could be part of this community.”

You squeeze your eyes closed, clamping down on a plea. You doubt it will do any good. Still, tears roll down your cheeks. “Fuck you,” you whisper. 

“You don’t understand yet. You will.” David takes a step back, and somehow the prospect of him leaving you here causes your stomach to turn to water. 

“Don’t do this,” you say. But he walks away with a glint in his eye that promises he will be back, and you’re left alone. 

Dizziness rattles through you as you pull yourself onto your feet, testing the sturdiness of the bars in hopes you’ll find a weak spot. But it’s padlocked closed and the screws are in tightly —

Something catches your eye, pale and fleshy on the kitchen tiles. 

An ear. 

In the kitchen. 

You vomit without warning as it all comes together. You wonder if the community even knows that their leader feeds them people. Wonder who was last in this cage and how long it took for them to become a meal. 

You scramble against the ropes again and pray — not to whatever fucked up God David worships, but someone — that you find a way out. 

***

“Joel!” Ellie shakes him frantically and finally he comes to. Sweat glistens on his forehead, his face drawn and pale, but he finally ate something earlier and she’s been keeping him hydrated as he drifts in and out of sleep.

Now, he frowns and hums in question.

“Y/N isn’t back. She didn’t come back, and now people are here.”

The sound of shuffling outside is only growing louder, and she keeps her voice to a whisper as fear grips her. It’s not like you to go more than two hours without checking in, even if you haven’t caught anything for dinner yet. That four hours have passed means something is wrong, and Ellie doesn’t know what to do, how to find you. She needs Joel. She needs you. 

“What?” Joel struggles to sit up, the mattress groaning under his weight as he clutches his injured stomach. But he’s alert, awake, and that’s better than he’s been in days. 

“She isn’t back,” Ellie says again, voice trembling now. “Someone’s here, Joel. They know about us.” 

Understanding clears through the fog in his eyes slowly, and he looks up as he hears the floorboards creak above. “Shit,” he curses, dragging himself slowly to his knees. Ellie watches, pulling out her own gun. “Hide somewhere. Let me deal with it.”

He’s in no fit state to deal with anything, but when Ellie protests, he shushes her and orders her to do as he says, so she does. And as he readies himself for a fight he can’t win, panic rushes through him. You’re not back. Somebody is here. 

He’s failed again, or at least is about to, and this time it’s you he’s afraid to lose. 

He summons that anger when the silhouette slowly stalks down the stairs. Summons it a lot more when he’s throwing an arm around the idiot’s neck to squeeze the life out of him. 

***

Joel has forgotten his injury. He’s forgotten anything but you; the thought of you alone, in danger, afraid. His fingers curl into fists at his side, and when the attacker finally rouses, he orders Ellie to leave the room. He doesn’t want her to see what comes next; who he becomes when he’s trying to protect the people he loves. 

Nausea twists through him, but it mingles with anticipation. Some sick excitement. He’s good at being violent. Better at being vengeful. 

“Where is she?” he asks, voice just steady enough to be assertive. 

The attacker mumbles something, and Joel’s patience quickly dwindles. 

“Who are you?” he asks, louder now. 

The attacker shakes his head. Doesn’t want to play. 

Joel brandishes his knife. 

The attacker’s eyes widen in fear as he presses the point into his finger, ignoring the throbbing in his stomach. “You want to do this the hard way?”

“I'm not telling you anything.”

Joel tilts his head and clenches his jaw. Then in one swift motion, he’s gripping the arms of the chair the attacker is tied to, quivering with anger as he towers over him. “Last chance.”

The attacker purses his lips, and Joel steps back, watching him sink in relief — relishing in that false sense of security. Then he throws the first punch, the impact of fist to jaw singing through his bones. He shakes out his hand, punches again. Blood splatters, but he goes again twice more just for good measure, growing weaker with every blow. He stops when he realises that, knowing he needs to conserve his energy to get to you. 

“Where the fuck is she?” he bellows.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about!” 

He plunges the knife into the attackers knee, the sound of bone crunching and flesh squelching as blood dribbles down his jeans and the attacker cries out. That’s when he begins to beg. That’s when Joel knows he’ll tell him anything. 

“Alright!” he’s whimpering. “Alright, please!” 

“Tell me where she is or I swear to god, I’ll pop you’re fucking kneecap off.” Joel drives the blade deeper, thirsty now. Desperate. He can’t do this without you. He needs you safe. If he finds out you’re hurt…

“With David!” he blubbers. “She’s with David in town!” 

“What tooooown?” (oh, you thought I wouldn’t?)

“Silver Lake!” 

“Who the fuck is David and what does he want with her?” 

“He…” the man chokes on his own sobs again, and Joel tugs on the knife, earning a piercing scream. “I don’t know what he wants, okay? He’s the leader! He… he took to her, I don’t know!” 

A chill crawls down Joel’s spine and his vision blurs as he pauses. His blood-drenched fingers tremble, and he doesn’t know how to make them stop. “What do you mean, he took to her?” 

The man spits out blood. “He likes her. Wants her to join him. I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I told you everything.” 

Joel wants to tear him apart then and there, but he pulls out his map, yanking the knife from the man’s knee to put the hilt in his mouth. The attacker howls, tears streaking down his cheeks. Joel wants to tell him he’ll do a lot fucking worse if he finds you harmed. He wants to say a lot of things, but cotton fills his mouth and he needs to find you. He needs to stop wasting time. “Point it out to me.”

“It’s not a real town. It’s just a fucking community. I don’t know.”

Joel grips the man’s collar, and his voice falls deathly low. “Point it out to me or I’ll make sure your other knee matches.”

It’s enough motivation for the attacker to pinpoint a spot. His blood stains the map, highlighting a small valley between the forest and mountains. 

Joel puts the map in his back pocket and slits the man’s throat before he can beg for his life. He’s not feeling merciful today. 

***

David comes back for you an hour later. “Have you reconsidered?” 

You only glare at him, your wrists bloody and your eyes gritty from so many shed tears. To your surprise, he unlocks the cage. Despite your better instinct, you stay seated, stay calm. You won’t get out of this if you try to run now. He has the upper hand, and you’ll let him have it, hoping his arrogance, his underestimation of you, will be his downfall. 

“You must be hungry,” he says. “Come. Let me show you what I can offer.”

Shakily, you rise from the ground. “Will you at least untie me?”

“I’ll think about it.”

He leads you out of your kitchen. When he’s not looking, you lean your back to the table and snatch an abandoned knife, slipping it up your sleeve. 

The front of the building is laid out like an old, cheap restaurant and bar, candles burning and booths lining the windows. 

“I’m glad you’ve calmed down,” he says. “Now we’ll get a chance to know each other properly.”

Slowly, you begin to saw at the rope with the knife as he leads you to a booth. Two plates are set at the table, a candle lit in the middle, and you think about the ear on the floor. Wonder if the meat in the stew is not animal, not your deer. You want to throw up again, but you swallow down the bile in favour of relief: the rope has snapped. You keep your hands behind your back as you shuffle in your seat, trying to avoid looking at the meal. The smell of it makes your stomach turn. 

“What do you want from me?” you ask finally. 

David places a napkin on his lap. “I’m showing you hospitality. Hospitality you haven’t earned, might I add. Where is your gratitude?”

“Where the fuck is my medicine?”

Without warning, he stands and slaps you, and you can’t control your anger as the sting prickles along your cheekbone. You throw your plate at him, the food splattering his face and staining his shirt, and then you run. 

A mistake. He hauls you back quickly, and the two of you topple to the floor as he slams your wrist down, forcing the knife away. He pins your hands and then straddles you, and you know what comes next. You know, and you shouldn’t, and this isn’t happening. 

“You need to be taught some manners,” he croons, taking your chin in his hands. “A girl like you… you need to learn how to submit. Especially when we’re married. But don’t worry.” He leans down as you squirm, whispering into your ear, “We have time for that.”

“No!” You shout, slapping him away and doing your best to wriggle away. But he’s heavy on top of you, and he’s reaching for his belt, and there’s no way out. No hope. Nothing. “Get the fuck off me, you sick bastard!” 

He slaps you again, lash twice as hard this time, and you taste blood. 

You refuse to let it end like this. You refuse to let him destroy you. You let your body go slack as he unbuckles his belt, reaching out a hand and scrambling for the knife again. It’s under a chair not far from you — you just have to wriggle a little further. 

“It’s sad that you can’t accept that this is how it’s supposed to be. This is God’s will. You and me… we’re the same, underneath. We have the same violent heart,” David is muttering, and there, your fingertips brush the hilt. Determination renewed, you extend yourself again and this time the knife falls into your hand. 

You don’t have time to think; he’s unbuttoning his jeans, and like hell are you going to spend another moment beneath him. You drive the knife straight into his neck, and his eyes bulge as he gurgles on his own blood. As he goes limp, you push him off you — and stab again, again, again, spitting every bit of revenge into your movements as his blood covers his skin and your clothes. 

“You twisted fucker!” you’re yelling, tears rolling down your face as the shock draws in, the disgust. He’d been so close to taking you. So close to making you a victim after so long spent fighting to be a survivor. “Go to fucking hell!” 

You only stop when the fear numbs and you realise he’s no longer moving. Blood soaks both his shirt and yours, and you push yourself off him. His dead, milky eyes stare at you. When you catch a candle guttering in your periphery, you grab it. Crouch with it in your hand. Light him on fire. The flames spread along his clothes, and that’s how you leave him. 

Ashes. Bloodied, dead ashes. 

***

Joel and Ellie have fought their way through a blizzard. He’s surprised he’s still upright, but he saw bodies hanging in the stable and he can’t collapse now. Not for Ellie, and not for you. This community is built on something worse than infected or fascism, and when he found your jacket, your backpack, in that same room as the corpses… 

He can’t see anything but red and white. 

Ellie stops behind him suddenly. “Did you hear that?”

“What?” He catches his breath, looking around. There’s a long building close by, but he hasn’t seen any movement yet. 

A scream rents through the air, and he knows it’s you. His heart picks up, stomach plummeting as he runs around to find the entrance. And there you are, collapsing out of the doorway. 

He says your name as he catches your wrist, and you instantly cower away, screaming. “Please, no! Please, don’t!” 

He’s never heard you beg for anything before, and his world tilts on its axis. What the fuck have they done to you?

“Baby, it’s me!” He draws you close, cupping your jaw with his palms. Your eyes are haunted, face pale, and there’s blood. So much blood. You’re still fighting him, pushing on his chest, and he stumbles back. “It’s me. Look at me. It’s me, darlin’. It’s Joel!”

Your breaths are ragged as realisation finally dawns across your features. “Joel,” you whisper. 

“It’s me,” he says again, eyes filling with tears.

Your gaze moves to Ellie, and only then do you crumple. He catches you just before you fall to your knees, straining against his injury. “Oh, baby. Oh, baby girl,” he murmurs into your hair. “I’m here now. I’m here now. You’re okay.”

Sobs wrack through you and he wraps his arms around you, holding on so tight he worries he might hurt you. But you clutch his shoulders just as hard, fingernails digging through his coat. You shake beneath him, and his own tears drip onto his cheeks. He pulls away quickly to look you up and down. Blood streaks through your hair.

“Where are you hurt, baby? Tell me where it hurts.”

You shake your head. “I… I don’t know. I don’t know, Joel. I don’t…”

It’s like you’re not even here with him, and he wants to break. But he has to stay upright for you. He has to be strong for you. He shrugs his coat off quickly and puts it around you, catching sight of your reddened wrists as you adjust the collar. Those bastards tied you up. Hatred drowns him, and he looks at the building you emerged from only to find orange flames flickering in the window. It must have been you, he knows, and he can at least feel proud of you for that, but still, the thought of what they might have done...

“Alright. Come on. Let’s get out of here.” He pulls you to his chest, offering his other hand out for Elllie. She takes it, looking shaky as she carries both her bag and yours. 

“They were… They were eating people, Joel,” you say, voice thick and unrecognisable. “I just wanted to get medicine, and they took me. They took me. They were eating people and he was going to… He wanted…” 

“I know,” he murmurs, holding you tighter. “I know.”

You stop without warning. “They said they had medicine. You… We have to go back.”

“No, no, hey.” He laces his fingers through yours. “We ain’t going back there for anything.”

“The infection—” you protest.

“Look at me. I’m here. I’m okay. I just needed to rest is all. We don’t need any medicine now. We just need to get you somewhere safe.” His heart pangs. The fact you’ve been through hell and are still willing to go back to help him… sometimes he wishes you weren’t so damn selfless. He should have been the one protecting you today. It’s his fault you’re here. His fault you’re hurt. 

You scrape your hair back and then, looking at your shaky fingers, seem to finally see all the blood. “His blood is in my hair.”

He can at least be relieved it isn’t your own, but the look on your face… he’s never seen so many scars written in one expression. 

“I need to get it out. I need…”

“We’re gonna. We’re gonna help you clean up soon, okay?” He tucks your hair away, lost, because he doesn’t know how to do anything else. Doesn’t know how to make it all go away. “I’m so sorry, baby.” His voice cracks.

Your chest heaves with a stifled sob as you rub your hands and look out towards the lake. “Oh, god.”

Joel closes his eyes, wrought with regret. At his side, Ellie turns her gaze to the floor. It’s his worst fear come true. The reason he’d tried to get Tommy on board with taking Ellie the rest of the way. 

He’d failed again. Was always failing. 

All he can do is hold you close as you fall apart.

[sunshineshobi18]

You Don't Look At Me

words: 4.2k pairing: Joel x female!OC, Ellie x female!OC cw: violence, death, weapons, very much just angst ^^, spoilers for episode 8 summary: Lori had been with Joel longer than he had been with Ellie, but why did it not feel that way. As they continue to travel together, his disregard for her manifests into her hatred towards Ellie.

note: I just finished writing this when I post this. It's my first tlou fic, and I was just excited so this isn't the best, nor is it proofread, but I just felt like I had to get my fic in before the last episode of tlou season 1 airs kdsljjf I hope you still enjoy ^^ ps. I'm used to write for oc's so idk if ppl like that very much since ... x reader fics are pretty popular, I hope u guys don't mind

---

She hated her. Ellie. The girl that had forced herself in their lives. Lori had been with Joel and Tess way before Ellie entered the picture. Way before Joel had started caring about Ellie. Or maybe he always did, but the older grumpy man never wanted to admit it.

Lori was Tess’ girl. Although Joel was the one who was incessant on helping Lori out and taking her in, Tess was the one the then little girl was glued to. They were inseparable in a way. It was tough love, but Tess cared for Lori a lot. She protected her, but she also encouraged Lori to fend for herself. They were almost more like sisters than mother and daughter. They both enjoyed it that way.

And then Lori had to watch Tess die. Not long after that, they found out Bill and Frank were dead as well. All the people that Lori cared for, all the people that cared for Lori and took care of her were gone. Now all she had left was Joel… and Ellie.

It all started a few days ago, when Joel had gotten hurt and the two girls had to drag him to safety. It was quieter than usual. Ellie kept on mumbling words of encouragement and hope at Joel while Lori lifted him as best as she could. By the time they reached the town they would be hiding out at, Joel was pretty much out of it. Ninety-nine percent of his body weight was weighing down on the girls as he couldn’t keep himself up anymore. Lori being the taller of the two girls carried the most weight. Whether Ellie realised this or not was something Lori didn’t want to think about. If she did know, Ellie sure as hell wasn’t doing anything to make the weight lighter on her. But that didn’t matter. Lori just wanted to make sure they got Joel to safety.

The next day, both girls tended to Joel’s needs, though not sure of what those were. With his bit of strength Joel had muttered for Ellie and Lori to leave, which they refused to do. Or at least Elli refused. Lori was too focused on the way Joel was only looking at Ellie. He didn’t spare Lori a glance, so she didn’t bother responding to his commands. It’s not like he would see her shake her head anyway.

To rationalise Joel’s behaviour, Lori made herself believe that the reason he would only look at Ellie was because she was the younger of the two girls. Ellie was strong physically, but she needed assurance emotionally. That’s why Joel would only zero in on Ellie, because she needed it. Not because he cared more about her than he cared about Lori.

And then he looked at Lori. Lori was surprised to see Joel’s eyes trained in on hers so intensely that she instinctively moved closer to Joel. “Go to Tommy—”

“Why should I go?” Lori felt her chest contract and tried to hide the quiver in her voice.

“Ellie will stay with me. You can go get help.” His voice didn’t hold nearly the same softness as it did when he spoke to Ellie. “Ellie can take care of me.”

Lori, rather childishly, shook her head from side to side as she stood up. “I’m not letting you send me away. If she’s staying, then so am I.��� With a swing, Lori turned around and headed up the stairs to keep watch on their surroundings. She needed a few minutes to calm down before she’d be able to face the two again.

By the time Lori came back, Ellie had already patched Joel up with a dirty needle, which caused an infection. They were sure of it, but they rather have him with an infection than dead.

“I’ll go hunting—”

Lori jumped up from her sitting position against the wall as she watched Ellie reach out for Joel’s rifle. “What do you think you’re doing?” Lori’s voice trembled from not having spoken much in the last few days.

Ellie sighed and pulled the strap of the rifle over her shoulder. “We’re running out of food. If we have to stay here for a while, I think it’s better we don’t starve.” It was clear Ellie tried not to sound scared, but it was written all over her. Lori might not have liked the girl, but she spent enough time with her to figure out these things. “I’ll be back,” she whispered and ran upstairs with the rifle that was too big and too heavy for her.

Hours had passed with no sight of Ellie coming back yet, but eventually she did. Her face was red and her hands were slightly shaking as she announced she got medicine for Joel. Lori watched as Ellie injected the needle in Joel’s flesh, still not having asked where the penicillin came from. She decided not to ask her, too focused on Joel getting better.

Despite their differences, Ellie and Lori had something in common: they both needed Joel. They were both naive kids who hoped that the shot of penicillin would magically heal the person they both relied on, but he stayed unmoving on the mattress on the floor.

“How long do you think this shit will take to start working?” Ellie asked and Lori only answered with a quick shrug. In any other situation Lori would’ve answered like that to brush Ellie off, to end their conversations as quickly as they started, but right now Lori was just as clueless as Ellie. She was so focused on micro analysing each movement of Joel’s body and facial expressions, that she didn’t feel like talking. “I hope soon.”

“Me too.” Ellie’s eyes widened as she heard Lori speak in that soft voice she only heard a few times before. She overheard Joel and Lori talk about Tess a few nights after they had left her in that building to die with those infected. Lori’s voice suppressed pain and sadness, just as it did when she told Joel that she lost her second chance for a family when Tess died. Joel hadn’t answered Lori that night and Ellie knew that hurt Lori because it hurt her too. After that night Lori changed into the closed off, stoic person she was now. A big change to the playful yet rough girl she used to be with Tess around.

 “I’m sorry,” Ellie spoke softly in the quietness of the basement. Lori hesitantly looked up before asking Ellie what she was sorry for. “Everything…

“For Tess mostly—”

“Joel told you not to mention her,” Lori chastised her.

At the sudden outburst Ellie sighed and rolled her eyes. She dropped the wet shirt she was using to wipe Joel’s sweat off and looked at Lori. “He’s not even able to talk right now,” she motioned at the man they were sitting on each side of. Joel hadn’t moved much in a while, he was probably fully asleep. “You have the right to talk about her as much as you want. She was someone special to you too!”

Ellie didn’t mean to get upset, but she couldn’t help herself. She knew the reason Lori was so closed off was because she never got to talk—never got to grieve—over the loss of Tess. Maybe her outburst came from a selfish place. A place where she wished Lori was nicer to her or at least talk to her willingly and she knew that could only happen if Lori was able to grieve.

Lori stood up slowly with a nod. “You are right about that. She was someone special to me. And now she’s dead, so there’s no reason to talk about her. Tess is in the past.”

Before the older of the two girls could run away again—run away from her emotions—Ellie stood up as well. “The medicine,” she suddenly said, causing Lori to turn back at her. “The medicine, I got it from two men. They have a village.”

“What?” Lori whispered, not sure whether to be angry that Ellie hid such a potential danger and important detail or hope that they could maybe get some help. “Who? Where? Did they do or say something to you?”

Lori was all up in Ellie’s face, but it wasn’t in a threatening manner. She was silently looking Ellie over for injuries, determined to take care of Ellie since Joel wasn’t able to. It was a natural instinct, because she would never willingly take care of her like that.

“I’m… fine, but we aren’t,” Ellie told her with a look of shame, her head tilted down. “They were from the group of men that attacked us and hurt Joel. I’m afraid they’ll come after us.”

A loud groan came from Lori as she threw her head back. She yelled at Ellie, “of course they’ll come for us!”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know, but they gave us medicine and—this can fucking heal Joel!”

Lori shook her head in disbelief, took a few breaths before placing her hands on Ellie’s shoulders. “Listen here. They’ll probably come for us either tonight or tomorrow morning. You’ll stay with Joel and I’ll be upstairs on the lookout. If anything happens, we’ll board up the basement, you’ll take a horse to one side of the town and I’ll stay back as long as possible to take out anyone coming for Joel. If they are gone I’ll take the other horse and come for you.”

Ellie looked at Lori with wide eyes, the dread now finally settling in. Lori’s plan didn’t sound very convincing, but all Ellie could do was nod her head. There was something about how the older girl talked, so sure about herself even though she probably had no idea what she was talking about, that had Ellie agreeing to her. At that moment she saw a mixture of Tess and Joel in Lori. She felt the leadership and determination that Tess held radiating from Lori and at the same time the comfort she found in Joel was also present. It was weird, but with no one else to rely on—and partly not trusting herself—Ellie was going to blindly follow Lori.

And then it happened, the next day a group of men came to the house. Lori and Ellie followed the procedure Lori established, leaving Joel with a knife to fend for himself—just in case.

Ellie had been long gone, at this point, and Lori decided not to think about the gunshot and the crying horse sound she heard from the side of the town Ellie had left to. No, at that moment, Lori had her eyes focused on one man that was searching one of the houses. She snuck up on him, making sure no one was behind her before kicking the man in his lower back, sending him to the floor. She was about to plunge her knife in his upper back when the man whipped around onto his back and swung the blunt end of his pistol against her face. Ignoring the blood that flowed from her mouth, Lori kicked the man in his lower stomach and inched away from him towards her knife.

“You little bitch,” he spat and tried to get a grip on his gun before she dove at him and he fell back onto his rear. Lori quickly pushed him back by the shoulders causing his head to hit the floorboards with an unhealthy thud. The man had no time to grab his gun or push the girl away, when, through his blurred vision, he saw something move towards him. Lori had plunged her knife in his chest twice before standing up and kicking him against his head. When he stopped moving Lori pulled her knife from his chest and looted his body for his gun and some ammunition.

Lori spent an hour looking around the town, finding no one else before rushing back to the house she and her two travel partners had occupied for a day or two.

Dread set in when she found that the cabinet that blocked the basement door had been moved. “Joel—” she caught herself before she was yelling too loudly. Carefully she moved down the stairs, only for her blood to run cold at the scene. She found a man dead on the floor, close to where Joel had been sleeping, but there was no sign of Joel. Quickly she ran out, scouring the surroundings for Joel, not caring if she was quiet or not, only to find that he and their second—and last—horse was gone. It caused her a bit of relief, because she could conclude he was probably the one that took the horse, but still she was nervous.

Her nervousness was substantiated when someone came up from behind her and pulled her back with a hand covering her mouth. She felt the dull end of a knife carve a small slit on the side of her neck, just sharp enough to cause a shallow cut in her skin. Desperately Lori kicked and punched her limbs back to throw the person off her back. As she looked back, she found a wounded man looking at her with fear filled eyes.

“Where are they?” Lori spoke in a low voice. The man held his hands up and tried to push himself back with his feet. Lori hadn’t even realised she was holding the man’s friend’s gun at him. “The girl and the man your idiot friends almost killed. WHERE ARE THEY!” Lori yelled, pushing the gun closer to the man.

“I don’t—”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know! Where do you guys live?” she screamed again this time placing the gun right on his forehead.

The man flinched, blood and tears mixing on his cheeks as he let out a watery mumble of their village’s name. Lori kneeled down on his stomach and got close to them, demanding directions to the place. “T-That way. Just go straight that way and eventually you’ll see a bunch of buildings behind that forest. I’m sure you’ll still be able to see your friend’s footsteps in the snow.”

As she stood up, Lori hit the man in the face with the gun, enough to make him sputter out some more blood. He probably wouldn’t die of his injuries, but lying in the snow would definitely not help him recover.

By the time Lori had stumbled her way to the village, things had already gone to shit. She could see smoke coming from a building and although that was every reason not to be near it, Lori’s instinct told her to go there. She stumbled closer, feeling her eyes get heavier and feet get slower.

“HEY! What are you doing here?” Lori could barely turn to her left when a brawny man approached her.

“Stay away from me,” she hissed, but her words didn’t come out nearly as threatening as she wanted to. The girl reached for the gun that she had holstered underneath her belt, her fingers fidgeting and shaking trying to get a firm grasp on it.

“Aren’t you the little girl with those other two?” His voice almost sounded amused as he approached her. “I wouldn’t go for that gun if I were you.” Lori didn’t listen and continued to reach for the gun. “This is not going to end well for you, darling,” he told her as he closed the distance.

“FUCK YOU!” She yelled before pointing the gun at him and pulling the trigger. She looked up to find the man still standing, both their eyes widening, before the man’s lips turned into a cruel smirk.

“You done fucked up, darling,” he laughed before grabbing Lori by her hand and pulling her close. She screamed and kicked as he plunged a knife into her side, missing her stomach but still hitting her deep and painfully. “It’s better if you stop fighting—”

A gunshot resounded as the man fell to the floor, collapsing partly onto Lori. He coughed up blood for a good minute or two before his movement stopped completely. Lori looked back down at her gun that had failed her at first, but showed her mercy at last. Though the knife in her side wasn’t pleasant, she was happy she didn’t end up dead.

A few moments passed before she refocused her eyes on the burning building. The flames had grown more terrifying, but Lori continued to crawl towards it, leaving a trail of blood behind.

Suddenly the door to the building opened, revealing a staggering Ellie, seemingly out of it as she walked away from the building. Lori yelled out for her, but her voice didn’t seem to reach the other girl. Giving up on trying to call for her attention, Lori continued crawling.

“GET OFF OF ME!” Lori didn’t realise she wasn’t looking until she heard Ellie’s screams.

“It’s me. Look! It’s me. It’s me.” Joel was there. He was alive and he was taking care of Ellie, who was also alive. The two mumbled words at each other that Lori couldn’t hear from where she was laying on the snow, but she knew Joel was comforting Ellie. The two embraced each other, completely shutting out the rest of the world.

Lori watched as the two got up. Joel gave Ellie his jacket, making sure she was completely covered. “L-Lori—” Ellie’s voice was breaking, stuttering over the name, but Lori heard it—barely.

“She’ll be fine, she’s strong, she’s fine,” Joel comforted Ellie mindlessly. Speaking like the words meant nothing to him.

Lori hated her. Ellie. She hated her for meaning everything to Joel. Even if she was so close, Joel never saw her when Ellie was around. Just like now. Because his eyes could only focus on Ellie, his mind was always wandering to Ellie and if she was okay and if she would be okay. Lori was Tess’ responsibility, but Tess wasn’t here anymore and Joel seemed to forget about that.

“I’m here,” Lori choked, trying to stand up. “I’m here,” she tried to yell louder as Joel and Ellie started to move away. “I’m here!” With a shrill squeak she fell back down in the snow. The sound caused enough noise for Joel and Ellie to turn around and spot her.

“Lori,” Joel stared in disbelief for a few moments before following Ellie towards the girl. “How did you—”

Ellie pushed Lori on her back, noticing the knife in her side and the wounds on her face and neck. “Joel?” She turned to look at Joel with questioning eyes. “What do we do?”

Joel felt overwhelmed. He was sure Lori had died, not questioning why he thought that way. “I don’t know…”

“Do something goddamnit!” Ellie yelled looking at Joel for help. She was pulled back in time to only a day or two ago when it was Joel on the floor and her and Lori sitting on each side of him. Back then Lori had taken the lead, telling her to help Joel onto the horse, then dragging him all the way to their little safe house. Now, expecting a grown man to know what he was doing, Ellie felt more helpless.

Lori’s wounds were less severe, but she wasn’t as strong as Joel, at least not physically. “You don’t have to take me with you,” Lori mumbled.

“What?” Ellie felt helpless all over again and reached for Lori’s hand.

“Just don’t let me die in the snow, it’s so cold here.”

Ellie took matters in her own hands as she pulled Lori to her feet, supporting the girl with an arm around her waist. “I’m not letting you die at all,” she shook her head and started walking, but only a few steps in, Lori fell back to the floor.

It was then that Ellie realised how Lori hadn’t slept in a few days, always taking watch so that Ellie could take care of Joel. She realised Lori had walked all the way to the village, because Joel and Ellie had taken the two horses they had. She realised that Lori didn’t want to fight to survive.

“Please Lori, we can’t lose you, okay?”

Seeing Ellie’s watery smile as she tried to give Lori some strength, Joel finally stood up and put Lori back on her feet.

Lori was clinging on to him, she’d like to admit it was just because she needed the support, but if she were honest, it was because she needed him. She wanted his touch, to feel the love he had for his daughter at one point, and the love he now had for Ellie.

Once stabilised, Lori rested her head on Joel’s shoulder and looked up at him. “Do you think Tess would be proud of me?” Joel looked down at the girl before scoffing.

“Don’t you fucking do that. Don’t talk like you’re giving up,” he mumbled and turned away his gaze from her. He started walking, practically dragging Lori around, with Ellie on the other side of the injured girl.

“Why do you care,” Lori said while her words became more slurred and unintelligible. “It’s not like you ever look at me. Just like now. Just like earlier, when I was only a few feet away from you and if I didn’t yell out you’d leave me dead out there anyway.”

It was quiet until the three had found shelter for the time being. Joel was crouched down in front of Lori—no eye contact—as he tended to her wound. He didn’t really know what he was doing either, but he clearly was more skilled than Ellie and Lori when they tried to take care of him.

“So… Tess—”

“If you’re thinking about joining her, then fucking think again.” It was almost a threat that was being hissed through his teeth.

“I don’t get why you suddenly care so—”

“I always fucking cared, Lori! Joel stood up and eyed her with desperation. “I’ve cared, before Tess died, I care after she died. I never stopped.”

Lori looked down at her lap, the bloody gauzes still soaking up the blood of a cut in her leg she doesn’t remember getting. “It doesn’t feel like it, that’s for sure.”

“You want to know why?” Lori looked up, nodding her head hesitantly in response. “Because you remind me too goddamn much of Tess. And I failed her and you when I couldn’t protect her and now I’m failing her again if you die and I can’t live with myself if I let that happen.”

Lori felt tears prickle in her eyes when she finally heard the truth, but she didn’t want to show him that. “That’s a very selfish way of looking at it.”

“I know,” Joel sighed, falling back on his knees in front of the girl. He placed both his hands on her knees, one of his hands inching towards Lori’s hand that was resting a bit higher on her lap. “I—” He looked at Ellie, making sure she was still asleep before looking back at Lori. He leaned in a bit more to make sure she looked him in the eyes as he confessed the full truth. “Despite how I act, I’m a scared man. I don’t want to lose you like I— like we lost Tess. And I know pushing myself away from you isn’t doing any more good than it does harm, but I just want to believe that if something ever happened to you, it would hurt less if I didn’t let you get close.”

It was quiet for a while before Lori spoke, “you’re an asshole.”

Joel chuckled slightly, but nodded at the words. “You’re right. I am and I'm sorry. I wish I did everything differently. Just, don’t ever think I don’t care, because I do. I care so much.” He leaned up to hold her face in his hands. “So much.”

“Then why Ellie and not me? Why do you take care of her and not me?”

Joel sighed once again. “Because I’m an idiot. I know you’re scared too, but I can see it in her eyes and I can’t see it in yours. She didn’t have anyone else before this, but you lost so many people… I’m sorry Lori. I don’t know.”

The two searched each other's eyes for answers to questions they didn’t even know they had. Sitting there, for the first time really acknowledging each other and each other’s fears.

“It’s okay,” Lori finally spoke. “Once we get back to Jackson— if I get back to Jackson, I will leave you alone.”

“Lori you don’t have to do that—”

“No, it’s fine. If you continue to search for the fireflies for Ellie or whatever you plan on doing next, I’ll leave you alone.”

“Lori, please—”

Lori gulped down a sob and shook her head from side to side. “It’s okay, Joel. I’ll be safe in Jackson, so you don’t have to worry. I won’t die there. And who knows. I’ll be 18 in a few years,” she chuckled painfully. “Maybe I’ll find someone who really loves and cares for me.”

Joel pressed his eyes closed, suppressing the tears that were threatening to spill and leaned his forehead atop of Lori’s knees. He nodded his head hesitantly.

“If that’s what you want.”

[millerstation]

Joel?

[final-girl96]

Ageless Secrets Chapter Seventeen

Yn

I was left standing there feeling conflicted and confused, maybe a little hurt. Joel Miller, the man that avoided me at all costs, the man I always wanted to touch me, did just that a few minutes ago. It was so out of the blue. It was a shock.

I didn't know he had that in him. Joel never pegged me for the rough, dirty talk, fuck you in public against a wall kind of guy. I thought he was more of the gentle, soft kisses, light touches, laying you down on the bed and making love to you kind of guy.

Don't get me wrong, it was thrilling. It was what I've been wanting for years now. It was incredible, he made me feel things nobody ever has. I don't think I've ever came that hard or that many times ever. It was so euphoric. I felt like I was floating afterwards, but then I dropped from the sky and hit the ground hard when he completely dismissed me like I was nothing.

He looked at me like he regretted everything. But I could be looking too much into it all. Ellie had shown up before we could even talk about what had just happened. It turned awkward real quick.

Now I have to decide if I want to go with them to find Tommy in Wyoming or stay here…alone. I walked into the house, walked upstairs, took another shower and went to bed. I didn't sleep though, I just laid there. My brain wouldn't shut off. I could still feel Joel all over me. The slight ache between my legs wouldn't let me forget.

He was thick and long, he was able to hit all the right spots. The burn of him stretching me was nothing I've felt before. I could still feel him on my lips, taste him on my tongue. I tried closing my eyes; tried turning my brain off. The voice in my head, the one that's always there in the very back, was screaming at me. It was screaming for me to just talk to Joel about what happened between us.

Before I knew it, the sun was starting to come up. It was still dark outside but not pitch black. It was enough to see what you were doing. I yawned, stretching out my stiff muscles, and stood in front of the bedroom window, looking over at Bill and Frank's place.

Joel was, of course, up and moving. He was taking stuff out to the truck and loading it up. I sighed, turned away, and went to get dressed. I made sure to pack a back just in case I did go with them and sat it beside the door.

I took a deep breath before opening the front door. Joel was still in the garage and I didn't see Ellie, so I walked over to him. “Hey.”

Joel turned around and looked at me. “Hey.”

“So, um, can we talk?”

He turned back around and started to fuss over things in the bed of the truck. “About what? Did you decide on whether you're coming or not? I don't have all damn morning.”

I sighed, closing my eyes, “I want to talk about what happened last night.”

His shoulders tensed and he walked towards the back of the truck. “What about last night?”

I raised an eyebrow at him and let out a nervous laugh. “Um…well you know, you…” I looked behind me to make sure Ellie was trying to eavesdrop. “You fucked me against the side of my house last night, Joel. I mean–you–what was all that about? What does that mean for us? What happens now?”

“Nothing happens now. Nothing is going to change between us.”

He didn't look at me once. I stood there confused l and maybe a little hurt. “What do you mean nothings going to change? You don't just fuck someone like that for no reason, Joel. The things you said…”

“The things I said weren't true, okay? It was all a mistake! I drank too much whiskey. The alcohol was the only thing that fueled me to do it. I would have never done it otherwise.”

My stomach dropped, my heartbeat pounded under my rib cage. It felt like time just stopped. “A mistake? So, what? What I was your little fuck toy last night? You did it because of alcohol and what? To get pent up anger out of you?”

“That's exactly what it was. Just one big fucking mistake. Don't get all lovey eyed on me. You and me…” he waved his hand in the space between us. “It's never going to happen. I'll never…I'll never–”

“You'll what, Joel? You'll never love me? You'll never want me? You'll never see me as anything more than Tess’ annoying little sister?”

He put his hands on his hips, dropping his head to look at the ground, and swiped a hand over his face. “It was a mistake. It should have never happened.”

I swollen the lump in my throat and blinked rapidly so the tears filling my eyes wouldn't fall, not in front of him, I wasn't going to let him see me fall apart. “Right.” I let out a sarcastic laugh.

“Fuck you. Fuck you, Joel Miller!” I turned around and headed back to my house just as Ellie was walking towards the garage. “yn?” I couldn't look at her. If I did I would have broken down. I couldn't let him see the tears running down my face. I slammed the door behind me and slid down it. Fuck him.

Joel

“What did you do?”

Joel snapped his head towards Ellie and scoffed. “I didn't do anything.”

“Oh no? Then why was yn crying as she rushed back to her house? What did you say to her? She needs to come with us, Joel. She can't stay here by herself.”

Joel wished he could have taken the words that fell from his mouth back as soon as he said them. He didn't know what the hell he was thinking. He didn't know what he was saying until he said it. He crushed her; made her feel like she was nothing.

She was so much more than nothing. But he couldn't say that. He couldn't tell her that. It's too dangerous to love someone in this world. People would see she's his weakness and take advantage of that. If he lost her… he doesn't even want to think about losing her.

“Get in the truck. We need to leave.”

“I'm not getting in that truck.”

Joel closed his eyes and let out a long heavy sigh. “ Ellie, get in the truck.”

“No. I'm not going anywhere unless yn comes with us.”

Joel had to take a deep breath so he wouldn't snap at the kid. His hands curled into fist and a long annoyed sigh pushed out of him. “Get in the fucking truck!” He told her, walking past Ellie towards Yns house.

He can't believe that he folded to a fucking fourteen year old. Yn was only going to fucking slam the door in his face or shoot him him. She won't listen and come along with them. He would have to pick her up and carry her to the truck kicking and screaming.

He knocked on the door first and didn't get an answer. When he tried to open the door, it was locked. He was getting more and more irritated. He now would have to walk around back and go in through that door. luckily for him it was unlocked.

Joel checked the kitchen and livingroom before he walked upstairs. He noticed she had a bag ready to go. She was going to go with them and he fucked it all up. He walked up the stairs and checked every room until he found her in one of the bedrooms.

“Go away, Joel, get the fuck out if my hosue.”

He didn't say anything to her, just walked up to her, and picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder.

“What the fuck! Put me down!”

He fist pounded against his back as she screamed at him to put her down. “Damnit, Joel, put me the fuck down!”

She was squirming way too much for his taste. Before he knew what he was doing his hand came down on her ass…hard. The yelp she let out put a small smirk on his face. “Shut the fuck up. You're coming g with us. The kid wants you to be there.” He walked her all the way over to the truck, opened the door, and sat her on the passenger seat.

“Stay,” he said, pointing at her. He had grabbed her bag on his way out the door, and pushed it towards her. She took it with a huff, a curse on her lips. He didn't give her time to throw insults at him, he slammed the door and walked to the driver's side and got it. “Now, we are going. Nobody say a damn thing.” He started the truck, pulled out of the garage, drove to the gate, opened it, and closed it on his way out.

[typewriter83]

I’m gonna say something rude I’m gonna make people mad (well people on the ship) whatever I know some of your cubs will agree me so yeah. I know you’re sick and I feel badly for saying it but I miss you so much. I miss your stories and omg I how you feel better soon because the ship needs your stories because you actually write a fucking story that’s not depraved or fucking weird. Between you and oldtimerbuckley, your the only ones holding this thing together.

You know, sometimes when I get an anon ask I wonder if the sender can hear me in their head, the low whistling sound I make. This is a lot, and it took me a minute to formulate a response - because trust me, I thought about deleting this, but nah, let’s do this.

This is such a backhanded compliment - I’m sure olldtimerbuckley would appreciate praise for their work, but at the same time would likely be disappointed - like me - that readers are resorting to dragging down other writers in order to raise up certain writers. This has become a recurring theme in fandom where we have to drag some writers through the mud in order to make others feel good. And that’s not what this is about.

See the thing about fandom - and let’s face it, art in general - is that it’s not for everyone. I’m a big fan of Pedro Pascal, that’s pretty well known. I’ve seen almost everything he’s been in but I’m not actively in every fandom - it just doesn’t interest me enough. I devote most of my time to stories about Joel - and even then, I have certain likes and tastes and that’s my personal preference. And my tastes aren’t for everyone.

That includes the forbidden ship. It’s most certainly not for everyone - and once you board the ship, like everyone other ship in fandom, everything on the ship is not for everyone. There is something for everyone on the forbidden ship. What you like is for you and if you don’t like it - don’t fucking read it.

I have looked through the recent stories in the Joel/Ellie tag on ao3 and it looks like - from kudos and comments - that the ship is doing just fine. I’m sorry that it doesn’t appeal to you, but that doesn’t give you the right to try and lift me up by bringing someone else down. Writers in fandom work hard and are passionate about what they write - for free - and the funny thing about fandom writers is that most of us live by a simple philosophy: we write for ourselves and maybe six other like minded people, everything else is just the cherry on the sundae.

I’m flattered that you miss my writing, but I’m disappointed that you felt the need to say what you said.

[bestwitchsam]

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