#ill be fine i just am sad
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reading some of my old fiction writing and ngl lads. i did kinda pop off on a few of them
#looking at one where anti pretends to release chase from the house hes keeping him in#but no matter what direction chase runs in he keeps looping back around to anti and the house#like oh?? slay#id like to write some stuff again#but i feel very dry on writing ideas lol and also i feel guilty for a lot of my old writing for some reason???#like writing abuse or body horror is bad and makes me an evil person#which is not epic!!!#i wish i didnt feel that way. i would write all kinds of thought provoking and sick stuff if i didnt feel so bad about it#anyways i might make some leftover soup and lay in bed again cause im very very sad today#ill be fine i just am sad#life with seag
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I have already read all of Heartstopper so I know what happens in season 3 but I've been trying to avoid spoilers for the new storylines and it's nearly impossible.
I can't watch it in one go because episode one had me bawling. Episode one.
I understand Nick Nelson in a way others just simply can't (hyperbole). I understand him and I wanna give him a hug.
#it hits too close to home i fear.#i have been a nick nelson yk?#when i read volume 4 for the first time and i read “love can't cure mental illness” it *hurt*.#i have lived many lives and one of those happens to make certain things make me a lil bit sad :/#I AM FINE THO!! VERY MUCH IN THE PAST. VERY MUCH BETTER NOW!! its just gonna take me longer to get though the show than some people#for my own sanity.#alice oseman#osemanverse#heartstopper#nick nelson#charlie spring
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Hey can someone give me a several minute long hug that I may cry into
#im so tired and so lonely and so sad and there are like. two people that i feel close to and secure in our relationship#and theyre both so fucking far away#and i dont want to like. just break down on people. but please somebody give me more than just a brief hug or pat on the back#last night i had a dream about cute boy just. giving me a big long hug. nothing else. so thats where im at i guess#idk ill be fine i always am#im getting by with my cuddly dog and my two coworkers i give greeting hugs and farewell hugs to#i miss my little brother and my mom#i miss having physically close and touchy friendships#i dont know if being touch starved is a real thing or just pop psychology or whatever but#i feel like a stray dog that cant quite figure out how to find my own food after being abandoned#whatever#my eyes hurt im done
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genuinely, how do you learn to cope with the idea you'll have mental health issues for the rest of your life? how to you learn to find peace with the fact that rock bottom is always going to be just around the corner and theres nothing you can really do to stop it?
#i guess this is rhetorical but also if you have genuine tips i probably do want to hear them#im trying to adopt a 'be happy now because youll be sad later' attitude but some days its so hard to deal with the idea ill never be fully#in control. ill never be fullt stable. something will always set me off. ill always downswing#im at peace with the idea that whatevers wrong in my head is for life i just need to figure out how to be content knowing itll always be#bad again.#id like it to be easier#nyxtalks#idk stupid shit sent me panicking and the lingering effects have me catastophising and near crying about things that literally dont exist#its just in my head. i am seeing something that isnt there and i must remind myself that#and this is by no means a bad day in the scheme of things for me either#i just had a few awful thoughts#but it reminds me of how bad i get#idk its not that serious its fine#im gonna. maybe try and find something positive in the world now and stop thinking things that arent even true
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why does loneliness and solitude have to be so close together
#theyre like two sides of one coin the coin being alone#ill never understand if i like or hate being alone but it sure does make me want to rip my skin off and make me cry#vent#im fine now i can barely feel any sadness rn but i was like this the whole school day idk how it just stops meaning so much#and be as painful as it was an hour ago#anyway i hate being surrounded by people who clearly just tolerate me and not like me and even my “designated person” the friend i am like a#duo of the class with being not so close oe talkative or interactive with me overall#why do i make everyone so fucking awkward#i hate crying on the Internet but it unfortunately fucking works
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if anyone's been keeping up with my vagueposting about nutcracker saga i feel the need to stress that i have been reacting to this very minor, treatable injury that hasn't even taken me out of the show (im still in like three scenes) like a 26 year old prima ballerina in the prime of her career who has just suffered a debilitating permanent injury and will never be able to even consider dancing again
#im a little scared bc i might be in maine-et-loire next fall and if i am ill miss performing for the first time since i was eight years old#daffodil lamenting#im gonna be fine btw im okay just sad sometimes about it. i do not like sudden changes
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someone yell at me to make sure to take more itty bitty bladie pics before December starts and my queue runs out!!!!!
#i have a note on my phone with ideas. but what am i going to do when i run out of ideas? sometimes i think about that.....#once i run out of ideas he will be forgotten#just the months or so i took a break from posting has lead to posts getting very little notes compared to before#as long as no one will be really sad when hes gone then its fine lmao he can fade away quietly unless i come up with another idea#but theres only so much i can do before i do it all....#just thinking about little bladies future lol maybe ill “send him off to college” 🤣
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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I get rly jealous of painters (digital and otherwise but mostly digital) sometimes bc they have the skill and knowledge to be able to do style studies of famous painters, and I frequently have the urge to do some kind of leyendecker study but I patently CANNOT paint, at all, I don't even rly render I am a flat colors and cel shading kind of artist so it would just be kind of useless to attempt bc the style I make art in just isn't the kind that I can do those kinds of experiments in and it feels Bad
#sighs#its not even that im unhappy with my style or my work ive rly come to like my own art a lot#its just like. painting is this thing i cant do (ive tried. dont) and it feels like im never gonna be good enough to get any attention#ive stopped applying for fanzines altogether bc im always gonna get beat out by ppl w more complex styles and rejections r rly discouraging#i dunno. sad. and this isnt even a career for me im a pure hobbyist#but maybe that makes it more upsetting somehow#i just want to make nice things that ppl like but i draw slow and cant render and im tired all the time#its another thing in a long list where i fall in the middle and being Just Okay at stuff uhhhhh really sucks. a lot. at times#theres nothing wrong w being normal or Just Okay but just once id love to be extraordinary! at literally anything!!!!#sorry to anyone who read all of thst its way past mt bedtime and my stress over school is manifesting in weird ways#ill be fine in the morning but rn i am sad :(#and z speaks
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You ever sit in a fandom space for so long that now looking at it kind of makes you want to rip your nails off.
Yeah.
#feeling this with Omori#ill look at my recommended tags and see some shit and immediately think “thats enough for today.”#granted alot of the community is children so of course theres gunna be cringey posts and that's fine#but then theres times its just weird and i realise i am far to tired for this shit now#i wanted to try and get into fandom spaces to be myself more and open up but i have now just gotten tired#but ultimately this was also the point in my life i was having an identity crisis and i like to think i have changed alot over the last year#im tired of everyone being called out as a predator or twelve year olds fighting over stupid shit#id rather focus my energy into my real life problems and not the latest “blorboscimbosimp24” drama#christ sometimes i regret getting into omori which is sad because its a game near and dear to my heart#but everyday theres some new shit that happens that sends people fucking feral#and also omocat herself is just a whole can of worms i just cannot be assed with.#that's not to say i hate everything about fandoms. ive met and talked to some really nice people and i enjoy their stuff#but still i have so little patience for peoples bullshit#sorry for ranting but im done with everyones horseshit and people being predators and wether or not omocat is a creep#i dont know i sort of dont care because god knows i have far more pressing matters in my personal life that need my attention#also this doesn't mean im not talking or posting about omori. i still like it but fuck man sometimes it feels awkward saying i like it#rant#random rambles
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3 month supply of Lexapro got stolen and I ran out 5 days ago
Just felt the last bit leave my bloodstream in real time
Godspeed
#deadass i was okay and it hit 2am and the flip switched#i am so sad#i feel so unsure of myself and worthless and anxious#i havent felt this way in so long#im fine ill be good just gotta wait for my refill to get here#but yikes#lexapro#depression#anxiety#irl
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Invested in a display case for my ggx tcg box cuz testament is on 1 side of it therefor it is a testament object so i want to put it with my testament stuff. But i dont want it to like fucking turn to dust. The reload boxes i have are on their own idgaf (as much) (i will still store them somewhere safe) (eventually)
#just in general the testament zone needs an elevated spot. i like elevation in my shelves.#i should also get curtains to stop the sun from damaging my shit (HAPPENED TO A BOX I LIKE. SAD)#but man idk how to put up curtains. who do you think i am.#i also UM bought more printer paper. and some lamination sheets. i still want to make testament paper doll.#but we have no facking paper i used 1 i Found to run ink tests. magenta is working better after 4 cleanings. sigh#also i could print out testament cards and put those on my wall. i dont have enough dupes to do that with many cards#should also do that for my binder…#im committed to keeping a binder with Every card and a separate testament binder. so um. im gonna need some extra testaments. its fine#UGH BUT ID HAVE TO EDIT THE TESTAMENT CARD SCANS TO DO THAT. AND IM SAVING THEM FOR LAST. AS INCENTIVE. GGGUHHH#whatever ill get to it.#okay. thank you for listening. i cant do anything of this Right Now and its bothering me so i have to talk about it.#the kat goes meow
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they really did just give me all of the dogshit mental illnesses, huh
#i mean what mental illness isn't dosghit#anyways the reason why my depression meds probably don't work is because i'm bipolar#that's what my therapist thinks anyways. and it makes sense considering the lil manic episodes i have#so um. that fucking sucks but it also explains everything so its fine really#like i really really want to do drugs actually#i mean i am just so sad and empty feeling#i'm working on art but nothing i'm making means anything#can i just get permission to do a shit ton of stimulants#i am sooooooo bored#i'm really trying to make myself feel better here but only with things that'll do it instantly#anyways i want to not smoke because i am running out of weed and money#but i'm gonna smoke delta 8 anyways rn because even after all this caffeine etc i feel nothing and i need something#honestly can i just pass away though. i am so pathetic#or can i actually become hypo manic again. because at least i felt something#anyways does anyone want to be friends with me even though i am severely mentally ill#or can someone give me some dopamine/serotonin. i feel like shit#vent
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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why am i only just now seeing that interview where that reporter brings up bruno famin, unintelligently may i add, ("bruno famin said it was your fault" wtf REALLY??) and Esteban just says, "No, no" and walks away god god god GOD
Do people think before they speak or like -- I mean, obviously not.
#it makes me so ill#glad he simply said no and walked away instead of engaging#clearly trying to bait a response out of him#but also he's so obviously hurt#i swear when i get my grizzly paws on bruno --- (i will do nothing i am a pacifist but my GOD)#im gonna get some anon message about this later about how este isn't a poor kicked puppy or smthn but honestly#i am getting used to waking up to anons so it's fine i would actually be sad not to have an anon to answer in the morning#as long as it's an ask with no name calling and it's not too aggressive i genuinely dont mind them#people keep telling me to stop answering them but tbhhhhh i don't really mind them i really don't#i just don't like the really aggressive ones
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Im kind of feeling like i can't take it anymore
#vent#bad sad sleep-deprived and mentally ill#i am currently crying myself to sleep just fucking sobbing because everything hurts#my brain is failing me my body us failing me#i dont know what to do with myself#so many things are happening so many things hurt and i have no body to talk to#i have never felt so utterly alone#i hate myself for even writing this because i feel so pathetic and as if im just whining for attention#because i probably am#some lame ass cry for help because i really don't know how to function at this point#truly i am just so fucking alone#and there is just so much that is happening and i cant share it with anyone so it just all stays in my stupid brain and#probably makes me more mentally ill or smth#and for however long all i do is keep myself from crying during the day bc i cant let my family catch me having mental breakdowns#yet i have all of these painful thoughts that are plaguing my mind all the fucking time#i am just so so tired#and i keep thinking about death and it's so fucking scary#i just wish i wasn't myself and i had a different brain i could be better than this because maybe then i would be fine#at home im in toxic hell#in online spaces i have no one actually close to me#in my brain i have horrible thoughts and hardcore daydreaming distactions that dont fix anything#in my course i think im not doing well enough and im scare dthat my the end of it im still going to be a useless unemployed moron#on my silly blog i think if i dont make content i have no value and ehatever i make is not even that good or interesting#so i better cover it up with quantity but i dont have time or ability to do so#which again makes me into a fucking Nothing#god my head hurts so much#that's what u get for wailing at 4 am#anyways i am doing horrible and i can't take it anymore truly reaching my fucking limit#all my fault tho so ☺#delete later and if someone actually reads it Um sorry for this i am hashtag unwell 😋💫
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