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i am not handling all this loss very well. why take my puppy? why take my grandpa? i was barely getting back to normal after my grandma passed. why did he have to pass when I was holding his hand? why did i have to see him with his eyes open when he was unresponsive and death rattling? why did he have to die the moment i said "its okay, grandpa, go be with grandma. she needs you now. go be with her, and harris, and my little luna..." why did he have to suffer. why did he have to get so sick that i had to help him on and off the toilet and wipe him and help him change and feed him and help him drink.

i cant stop thinking about it i can't stop seeing him. his services are saturday and i haven't even begun to grieve my dog yet who died from afar because i was here taking care of my grandpa i just want to rip my skin off and scream and yell and puke at the same time.

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I must be a wicked awful person to have lost my grandfather and my pup at the same exact time.

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My grandfather has passed. He passed with me holding his hand, telling him it was okay to go. Go see grandma. And take care of my puppy for me.

I am a wreck. Relieved for him. But a wreck.

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Sending you so much love, I'm sorry that you have been going through such a rough time right now; please take all the time you need and take care of yourself too ♥️

Thank you so much. I'm having a disaster of a time trying to keep myself together right now. I want to scream, cry, throw up, sleep, and punch many walls all at the same time. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know what to do to care for myself right now. My grandfather is days away from passing, Luna passed today, I'm not home I've been here for over two weeks taking care of my grandfather as his primary caretaker. I'm in physical pain from my period and my HS under my arms. I'm still working full time during all this and trying to maintain my relationships and I just feel like there's nothing left. I don't know what to do.

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I’m so sorry that you are going through so much right now ❤️ we are all here if you need.

Thank you so much <3

Such is the ebb and flow of life, right? Doesn't make it any easier though. It's hard right now. I really appreciate the love and support very, very much <33

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I had to suddenly put my dog down today, while I'm 6 hours away in another state, taking care of my quickly dying grandfather.

Thankfully, my friends run the kennel I keep my dogs at, so they were very good with her. They took her to the vet and stayed with her when she was put to sleep, petting her, and I was on facetime with her. I'm devastated. I am so hurt and so numb at the same time.

And I still have to care for my grandfather through it all. I'm also on my period and in so much pain.

I'm very slowly reaching a huge breaking point. It's too much at once.

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Daily affirmations

I am a freak and that is ok

Anyone who hates on me for my writing has never picked up a pencil in their life

I should be more self indulgent

My characters should suffer more

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As an update.

Hospice came yesterday. They said about 2 weeks to a month. They started him on some pain medication that is hopefully helping, though he says it's not made a huge difference yet. I'm still not sleeping because he's still calling me a few times in the middle of the night. I'm so exhausted its not even funny.

My uncle is flying in today, and my cousin will be here with her husband and her little baby daughter after my uncle leaves. Busy next few days, I'm hoping someone will be able to help me a little better since my parents won't help my grandpa with the bathroom or wipe him or anything, they've pretty much left me with that and all of the really hard stuff lol. I don't blame them, but it is tough.

His sense of humor is in tact still, which is great to see, but he does have a lot of bouts of confusion that are difficult to witness. We are just going with the flow as to not confuse him or upset him.

yesterday he said, "what would I do without you, Jessica?" and I said "You'll never have to find out." he asked me "how come?" and I said "as long as you need me, I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere." he was worried about my dogs being in boarding, but I told him they were fine and I had someone watching over my cats for me, there's no worries at all.

but i am so tired. i'm not sleeping. i'm stressed. and i'm due for my period today so that doesn't help things.

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Tw for palliative care of someone with cancer.

He was given a horrific prognosis. Stage 4 cancer, untreatable, start hospice care immediately if wanted.

And that is what he wants. He stopped taking his pills. He doesn't want to suffer anymore. He will barely eat and barely drink. He can't walk much at all anymore. He used to make it to the bathroom and I'd just help him up from the toilet...now we had to buy him a bedside toilet and he still even has a hard time with that.

He's declining rapidly. It's hard to see him suffer. Someone who has been strong and supportive my whole entire life. Someone who has never once let sickness get him down. And cancer fucking chose him, man. Right after my grandma passed from the same cancer a year and a half ago.

It's 2am and he just called me in to go to the bathroom. I helped him up and then cleaned out the toilet and brought him some watermelon. I'm tired as fuck because for the past 14 days it's been nonstop care and watching the decline. MY parents are finally home now but I'm staying an extra week to help them get through this since I've been caring for him and know how he likes things.

But I'm tired. Mentally. Physically. He calls me upstairs at least 20 times a day if not more... which is fine!! But when I'm trying to work and get stuff done it's hard. I'm behind on a work project by a lot and it's okay. He's more important but I do still have to get the work done. I'm tired, I'm not sleeping, I'm trying to stay strong for my mom who just lost her mom and now her dad is going soon. But I need a good hard breakdown and I'm not sure where to have it. Or when. He could call me up at any time and I want to be strong for him too.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

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christian lundgaard & pato o’ward for arrowmclaren’s ig

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Today was get up, do all my mom's chores, go to work, go to the hospital and see grandpa on my lunch break, come home and work a few more hours, leave immediately after work and spent nearly 4 hours up there with him. Finally back home and it's 830pm.

This is going to be my life until Sunday. And it's fine. I'm happy to be there with him and I don't mind doing it. Just stressful. There's a chance they may discharge him sometime this week and then I can just get him set up in bed here and take care of him as he needs so I don't have to go to the hospital a few times a day.

He had another procedure today that went well, but no news on the cancer yet.

I had a panic attack last night and I'm not sleeping well. It's rough out here.

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So uh...my grandpa did great during surgery. he looks better. talking better. eating finally!

but found out he's got lung cancer today. that's already metastasized. so they can treat it, but not get rid of it.

and uh, my grandmother...that's what she died from a year and a half ago. my granddad went from painfully independent to needing so much help and being in so much pain and having so much fluid in his chest.

i had to call and tell my mother, and i had to call and tell my sister. i also had to NOT cry when he told ME when i got there today.

i'm. fuck. i dont know, ya'll.

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JOIN a HATE-FREE F1 Discord Server with RACE STREAMS!

The F1 Family server is home to more than 800 fans and friends! We host more than just F1 as well, if you're into other motorsports! We are Indycar heavy, Super Formula heavy, and we stream a bunch of others as well (including, but not limited to: wec, imsa, f2, f3, fe, motogp, and more!)

Our biggest goal is to make motorsports more accessible to everyone (free streams of practices, qualis, and races), and to create a space in the fandom that is free of driver hate and fan on fan hate. There will be disagreements, people are allowed to dislike drivers and have opinions, but blatant hate of a driver is not allowed! You are safe to love your driver as you so please! And we DO have fans of EVERY driver in the server, so you won't be alone!

We also host:

Movie nights

Other sports streams sometimes (hockey, baseball, football, ect)

Game nights

Hang outs (random watch parties and such)

Musician streams

Art streams

F1 Fantasy team for the server

F1 Prediction League - fan run predictions that are a hit!

F1 dex + many other interactive fun little games

...and MORE!

Come join us in our little fandom safe space, where hate is left at the door, and all you need is a love for F1 or any other motorsport to fit right in! Please reblog to spread awareness <3

[starlightiing]

JOIN a HATE-FREE F1 Discord Server with RACE STREAMS!

The F1 Family server is home to more than 800 fans and friends! We host more than just F1 as well, if you're into other motorsports! We are Indycar heavy, Super Formula heavy, and we stream a bunch of others as well (including, but not limited to: wec, imsa, f2, f3, fe, motogp, and more!)

Our biggest goal is to make motorsports more accessible to everyone (free streams of practices, qualis, and races), and to create a space in the fandom that is free of driver hate and fan on fan hate. There will be disagreements, people are allowed to dislike drivers and have opinions, but blatant hate of a driver is not allowed! You are safe to love your driver as you so please! And we DO have fans of EVERY driver in the server, so you won't be alone!

We also host:

Movie nights

Other sports streams sometimes (hockey, baseball, football, ect)

Game nights

Hang outs (random watch parties and such)

Musician streams

Art streams

F1 Fantasy team for the server

F1 Prediction League - fan run predictions that are a hit!

F1 dex + many other interactive fun little games

...and MORE!

Come join us in our little fandom safe space, where hate is left at the door, and all you need is a love for F1 or any other motorsport to fit right in! Please reblog to spread awareness <3

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I'm in virginia for the next week to take care of my grandfather who is in the hospital with some really concerning issues. my parents are going on a cruise that they weren't able to get refunded for so they asked me to come up here and keep my eyes on my grandpa, visit him in the hospital a few times a day, ect ect while they're gone. i may also have to facilitate getting him moved into cardiac rehab after he has some more procedures this weekend.

it's been really stressful. he's very sick. and i'm scared. but i'm here to be a big girl and handle it so my parents can take a breath and try to enjoy themselves for once.

ay.

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CAN YOU EXPLAIN IN BOYFRIEND LANGUAGE PLEASE

Pierre gasly you move me. Absolutely move me.

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I can't trust anyone who dislikes Nolan Siegel. That kid has hurt no one ever in his life. He's just a little baby. He's just a guy.