#i mean i am just so sad and empty feeling
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dollarbils · 21 hours ago
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nothing like your tattoos | b.eilish
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billie eilish x fem!reader
context. when you spend the night together, billie never fails to leave in a hurry.
warnings. angst, kind of suggestive, little bit of fluff (this is SO dramatic i’m sorry 🤧) not proof read
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her skin was sweaty as you traced her tattoos, baby hairs sticking to her forehead, and her chest beating up and down, to the softening rhythm of her breath, reminding you of previous events.
“okay, i gotta go baby, that alright?” even though she spoke as if it was, it wasn’t a question. but regardless, she made no attempt to move, no effort to escape your grasp.
“what do you think about me?” she raised her eyebrows, clearly confused.
“what do you mean?” riddled with your words, she awaited clarification. but when you didn’t speak, she grew worried.
“baby? what’s wrong?” her genuine concern never failed to fool you, trick you into believing her words of comfort. but the result was always the same. her absence.
“what am i to you?” she clearly didn’t like the sound of that question. unsure of its proper answer and naturally, of a response that would satisfy you.
“why would you ask me that?” disappointment spread across your features, unmistakably.
“you’re nothing like your tattoos.” she seemed amused now, puzzled by your misleading words.
“what do you mean?” she turned to look at you, careful not to move her hand as you traced the fairies that littered it.
“there’s nothing permanent about you.” her expression faded, a sense of sadness taking place instead.
“hey,” she caressed your face before speaking, demanding your attention, “i’ll stay, if you want me to.” and you knew it was honest. she would, she’d do it for you, but never of her own accord.
“that’s not what i want.” you sat up, and out of her grasp as she followed.
“then what do you want?” the question was too complicated for a simple response.
“i want you to want me.” her breath hitched slightly, almost faint enough to miss.
“i do want you.” she brought her hand to your face in attempt to comfort you. but her words were empty, meaningless. because she was never clear about her true feelings behind them.
“no you don’t, not really. i’m just a good fuck to you.” you said it like you were disgusted, disappointed in yourself for letting it get this far.
“good? don’t underestimate yourself babe, you’re a whole lot more than good.” a hint of humour could be found in her tone but it wasn’t amusing. not to you, not under the circumstances.
“billie, that’s not the point.” your saddened expression gave her the hint that the humour was misplaced.
“sorry, i just- i guess i just don’t know what you want from me.” she was lying through her teeth, fully aware of what you desired.
“oh please! you know exactly what i’m talking about.” she looked away for a second, taking a moment to think.
“i’m just not one for relationships. it’s too much for me.” she rubbed your cheek with her thumb, sending a river of mixed signals and emotions.
“well this,” you gestured between the two of you, “it’s too little for me. i can’t do this with you anymore.” you made a move to get up, shifting away from her, but she pulled you back by the arm.
“wait, no. i can’t lose you.” she seemed surprised by her own words, as if it was more of a reflex rather than a conscious expression of her feelings.
“that’s tough then, billie. because you’re not even willing to try.” when she didn’t say anything, nothing to confirm nor deny, you grew frustrated.
“whatever bils, I’m sorry i can’t keep this up. but it just hurts too much.” her eyes were teary when you turned away from her, your own tears now spilling down your face.
“i can’t promise permanence but i can promise you i’ll try.” she said it all at once, a desperate plea. you almost didn’t catch her words.
“what?” you turned around to look at her. her eyes were big, her lips plump. it was so hard not to fall in love with her.
“i just want to be with you. i don’t care how, i just need you in my life.” she chewed on her lip, a physical expression of her stomach churning out of anticipation.
“really?” your emotions neared disbelief. not quite sure if anything was real.
“yeah. please let me stay. i want to stay.” you nodded and she kissed you like you were hers. she kissed you like she wanted the feeling tattooed on to her lips forever.
taglist @adinda-eilish @ijustlovemaths @sweetcherriexs @jaxon-nathaniel-drake @mybluebossanova @diceroll65 @tothediner @st0nerlesb0 @bilssturns
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newwave-lesbian · 1 year ago
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they really did just give me all of the dogshit mental illnesses, huh
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yeonjune · 4 months ago
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Yeonjun about the strain he felt while preparing for his debut solo project ✙ "GGUM" MAKING FILM
#yeonjun#choi yeonjun#tomorrow x together#txt#ggum: making film#gifs#creations#userzaynab#useryeonbins#skyehi#rosieblr#megtag#hibiebear#heyiri#ultkpopnetwork#kpopccc#kpopco#this are like the rawest emotions we've seen from him... I feel... it's really sad to watch him like this#i mean I know they're under lots of pressure and stress#It's only natural when you work with so many people who you could potentially disappoint#and I know it was his choice to make this solo project happen now but i feel like the company could manage his schedule better#because why he films till 3 am and then right next day has a flight to another country for a concert...#and now we know from soobin they're super busy again#I'm worried his body will just say 'enough' one day and something bad will happen :(#and you have him work so hard and stress and then all this losers online whose biggest achievement is getting 100 likes on a post#writing the worst things about him for no reason... its not that hard to be kind and you dont need to have an opinion about everything :D#at the end of the day that celebrity you hate so much is still pretty and successful#and you're just a friendless jobless empty-headed rotten fool with likes on a post that mean nothing once you close the ap#I'm just glad all this is still fun for him and that he has such a great support system: his members family staff who care about him and us#all we can really do is support them and send them lots of love fr ;; you've done well my jjunie ily ♥
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running-in-the-dark · 11 months ago
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oh, great! I cleaned out all my fountain pens before we moved, and then chose just a few to take with me. plus ink, obviously.
except someone took the damn ink out of the bag I had put it in. sooo it's probably in the storage unit now and I won't see it again until April 🙃
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lightblueminecraftorchid · 1 year ago
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.
How to explain that going to church makes me hurt and angry, but not going to church makes me sad and depressed.
#I need to go to Mass. I need to get over the anxiety mental block and just go.#blue chatter#it’s just. I’ve only gone a couple times this semester and every time has left me feeling more empty and hurt than when I walked in#and I know Mass is more than just how you feel. and that it matters that I am there where God calls me to be#I know.#I wish nobody there knew me so they wouldn’t be so worried and ask questions about where I’ve been#it’s like. I cannot possibly explain to my church friends why I haven’t been showing up.#it’s not even scrupulosity anymore it’s just. I can’t be here. I don’t belong here.#and the new priest is trying *so hard*. I’ve been honest with him about how I’m struggling.#but it’s just. there’s something missing. he wants to include the congregation but fundamentally doesn’t understand what that means.#‘everyone is welcome. No I will not make an effort to include marginalized people. they’re welcome bc they can Walk In The Door.’#and I know it’s not that the church has changed#if anything I’d be having the same issues with the old priest. I’m the one who’s changed.#but instead of spending my Sundays with God I’m just. melting into a puddle of Sad. and that’s not good for my faith life.#I need to do *something*. I just. any time I think of trying a new church i feel exhausted.#God please help me.#I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to be alone and miserable and losing touch with my faith
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ichigosoju · 7 months ago
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🌷
#i cant believe i could've almost been his girlfriend!!!!#im sad that he never asked me and never waited ....#because i know me and im dependable and devoted#i go all in if i love#but instead he .. fell in love fast and quick and i get it. i get why he fell for her i really do so i dont blame him#but... they only lasted a month then they broke up#she left. and i get that she and i are different people#but i cannot fathom how you can have HIM and leave him#i cant even imagine my life without him. he is genuinely all i think about#and she left.... !!!!! i cant understand that (from my pov. she is her own person i know)#i just wish he'd stuck it out and given me a chance (bc he did feel those things for me he said that)#i know the heart want what it wants but oh how i wish#i would've been with him until now. i would've never have left him#i wish i wish he didnt do that bc now he's even more heartbroken and i know it'll just be harder for me to maybe prove myself to him#(btw this sounds super selfish but this is only me venting my feelings!!!)#im still here for him. i've never left. i've been so so patient. isnt that worth anything?#most of the time it feels like he doesnt even appreciate me :( at all#i just cannot believe that HE once upon a time wanted ME to be his gf#if things just had gone a bit differently i would've been so lucky to call myself his#and him mine... that's so crazy to me#that's my dream...#i dont wanna give up on him bc i love him sm i cant imagine any other way my life can go#but.... i cant push if he isnt even replying... i cant bother him too much#then im just crazy#and my anxities arent even letting me message him at all#bc even if i asked if it's ok and he said im not bothering him#im convinced i am. i mean it really seems and feels like i am doing that#so i just cannot even message him..... which makes my life so empty i wanna cry#sometimes i wish i'd never met him bc my love for him has ruined my life now that i cant have him
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mariyekos · 8 months ago
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One day I'm going to finish my FFXVI mega essay, but for now I think my thoughts on the game can be summarized like this:
When making FFXVI, the developers sure knew what they wanted to do, and by god were they going to do it.
Were they also going to do other things that would make those first thing better? Were they going to do other things that make a good game overall? Ehhhhh...they were going to do what they wanted to do, and invest all their time and effort into that, so surely that would be enough! Surely!
#i saw someone call FFXVI the most disappointing 8/10 game they'd ever played#and i agree 100%#it started off SO STRONG#and then. and then!!!#ffxvi#my overall rating is in fact an 8 out of 10. maybe 8.5. definitely not a 9#i enjoyed many parts of it but by god were the lows low#some of the highs were very high too! i don't regret buying or playing the game! i'm glad i did#but yeah most disappointing 8/10 i ever played is an apt description#my opinion might be slightly impacted by my uh. mental state at the time#2023 was not a good year for me. for several months ffxvi was the only thing i had to look forward to in life#and that's really sad but that was just the place i was in. life was absolutely miserable#i played the demo and was over the moon. good things were coming! it was way better than i anticipated!#then i played the game and while i enjoyed a lot of it a lot was just tedious in a bad way#so many repeated plotlines and so much whacking you over the head with the points they wanted to make#like come on guys i am not an idiot do you really need to tell me this exact thing 18 different times#and have me go out of my way to get. reward which is just a slightly different flavor of that same thing 18 times#that's what i mean by them doing a few things very well. by god were they going to do them. and only them#graphics? beautiful. i had to stop at several points bc i was stunned by the quality.#but after you've seen a few forests and some fallen ruins it gets boring when that's it. the world was just so small and empty#yes i do support the rise up against your oppressor plotlines because that is a good thing to do but that was like. 90% of the story#(including sidequests) and it just kind of got old. why did i just spend 3 hours straight doing sidequests that gave me nothing new#made some of the sidequests feel pointless. especially because the rewards in this game sucked#uh oh i'm getting too negative so i'll end it here#ffxvi was a good game but it is not one of my faves. glad i played it but idk when i'll play it again.#erurandomness
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girlivealwaysbean · 9 months ago
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my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and
#like life as in. i can't say love life but like you know what's happening with the guys and the girls#girl#and i was so tired#am so tired#i just made up an excuse that im too physically tired too talk to cut the call and told her id call her back but i won't#i want to okay i really do I want to hear about her life what's going on but she's not that type of person jinke saamne#i can just divert the topic from myself avoid talking about me she's determined and caring like that😭#just. kya batau main#i spent the whole day working but really if i stopped doing anything for like 2 minutes all the last convos i had with everyone i#liked loved whatever started replaying in my head constantly making me feel all down and sad in public yk that empty heaviness inside chest#i mean. what is there to say. i feel truly pathetic#everyone just keeps leaving me. they decide one day that oh nope she's not for me not interesting anymore doesn't understand is too much#draining and destroys my peace and then they leave#it doesn't even matter the weight of the relationship#whether it's been a year of being in love or two weeks of talking till 5 am or a week of wishing me good morning and good night#every day. it doesn't matter they leave and they leave and they leave and they don't look back and im left to pick up the pieces go on#pretend to be okay and normal and fucking focused on like. studying accounts as if my heart isn't breaking#into a million tiny pieces everytime#i don't know how to tell her. the sister you love so much the sister you can't live without imagine life without. the#sister who you thought about holding on for because you couldn't do that to her leave her alone when you had suicidal thoughts. she's#she's actually deeply unlovable undateable unfuckable and like truly lonely and easy to let go of#i know she loves me and i know my bestfriend loves me and she would fall apart if i wasn't there for her#but it's not enough. i really wish it was. but it's okay it's enough for now it's enough to keep me going it's enough to make me not wanna#die yk? like i don't love myself enough to live for myself get better for myself but they need me so i need to be okay be happy because i#need them to be happy. and they're happy when im happy#does that make sense#okay bye i should really start writing a diary
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago
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...
#this just in: local algae enthusiast shocked to find that u feel bad when u dont take care of yourself >:-[#this is bullshit. i am rattling the bars of my cage and also i am standing outside the door with the key#what do u mean i cant not sleep enough. intensely focus for 6.5hrs nonstop and have to take care of additional stuff floating around.#and then spend all my time agonizing over not being productive enough?#ugh. its exhausting. and its one thing to live like this and love what ur doing. its another when u dont fucking care so all ur time feels#empty and pointless bc all u do is work. bleh i just wanna draw all the time but coloring takes so much time when u wanna make complicated#things :-( so its like draw something new or spend 3hrs coloring and i hate coloring :-P#its also frustrating bc when i read papers associated with the work ill be doing in the fall i actually enjoy it#and thats what i wanna do in my free time but that space is so limited bc working takes up all the space#and drawing takes a lot of time. but hey i can cut out more space by not taking care of myself 😎#ugh. dont b like me. draw a healthy line between academia and life#otherwise its like yay reviewers have approved ur 1st authored paper and im like i could not even begin to care#light all my data on fire for all i care. i would feel nothing#and im not gonna rake od measurements today. fuck u. im tired and if i accidentally killed a culture ill be sad#ugh. but i should. but i have to do some coding before the end of the day and i cant if i have to spend another hr here 😫#ugh. just a few more months#unrelated
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spill-that-anxietea · 1 year ago
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Fuck the post-binge spiral is hitting so hard rn. I am drowning lmao
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girl-bateman · 7 days ago
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Sleepless night </3
#worse is that i was thinking. and i should leave that to the professionals honestly#no but idk. it wasnt a bad thinking. just realising that i need to find a way to give myself some more understanding and peace#its hard for me to allow myself to care about things#and it terrifies me to love because to love something means you can lose it too#so being in a relationship where i actually love the other person and allow myself to love fully is very hard even if its wonderful#and it makes me happy to see how far ive come#and i do think i am privileged to get to know myself more through the challenges of being in a relationship#and getting to know myself more through the act of loving someone else !#but i think if you knew the context of my life youd see how absolutely crazy this is for me#ten years ago i didnt even understand that i was allowed feelings at all#and now i sometimes feel like crying because i love him so much#no but fr i just recently discovered last year that i was capable of missing my family and i was like WOW new emotion unlocked#and i really really do see it as a privilege to be able to feel things bc i remember how empty it was not to#but i also feel like im a baby learning how to walk while everyone else is running already#so i guess tonight im just sleepless and kind of.. not sad really? but just crying because its overwhelming#ahh man i always realise reading through my own tags that i make no sense. if anyone is reading them- sorry gang 🙏#but summary. i cant sleep. i think alot. i used to not feel things and now i do. this is nice and new and sometimes hard#but i can tell that i am changing as a person and change is always hard 👍#diary entries
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megyulmi · 5 months ago
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(つ︿◕。)
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「it is lonely without you, fushiguro.」
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bpdbunnyy4ngel · 6 months ago
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i feel absolutely awful and idk how to do this
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kenzie-ann27 · 1 year ago
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read something kinda off-putting on twitter and now I'm sad :(
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tender-rosiey · 3 months ago
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The sukuna with a shy daughter was sooo good. I loved it! Can we have more of them where its just sukuna and his baby girl in different situations and theres a lot of people and he has to deal with his brat?
peasant food — ryomen sukuna x f!reader
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a/n: i am a big fan of sukuna with a shy daughter so i am super glad you like it too
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right now, you’re standing beside your dear husband sukuna who stands with his arms crossed, watching with a frown as your daughter hands out food to the poor.
you almost let out a giggle, but then you feel his hand squeeze your hip in warning.
you huff in protest; however, he doesn’t let you dwell on it for long, as he hands you a necklace he just…acquired from somebody.
your little girl, on the other hand, with her wide eyes and gentle smile, kneels by a villager, offering him a bowl of rice.
“here you go,” she says sweetly, her tiny voice almost drowned out by the village noise. “you must be hungry.”
sukuna’s brow twitches as he clenches his jaw. “what in the hell are you doing?” his deep voice rumbles, earning a few fearful glances from nearby villagers. they recognize him, of course. the king of curses himself.
nobody dares to approach.
d/n looks up, flustered by her father’s glare. “I’m giving them food, papa. they’re hungry,” she answers, trying to keep eye contact, but she gives up half-way through and looks away.
sukuna’s eye twitches. “you’re supposed to cause pain,” he growls, leaning down with his arms crossed, looming over her tiny form. “not make people happy.”
you stifle a chuckle, placing a gentle hand on sukuna’s arm. “she’s just being kind,” you murmur, amused by his growing frustration.
sukuna throws you an incredulous look before turning back to his daughter. “kind? they don’t need kindness. they need fear, suffering. let them be hungry.”
“but… papa, that’s mean,” she protests, her little face scrunching up, and her lips wobble a bit. “they’re sad because they’re hungry. don’t you want them to be happy?”
sukuna steps back, his face twisting in disgust. “no. I don’t want them to be happy,” he replies right away. the coldness in his tone is enough for the nearby villagers to flinch.
you shake your head, eyes flitting and watching some of the villagers finally scramble away.
he looks at you with a small click of his tongue. your daughter, however, just looks up at him with innocent eyes, blinking slowly like she doesn’t understand why he’s so upset.
“b-but I like it when people smile,” she insists softly, handing another bowl of rice to a small child who hesitantly approaches. “it feels… nice.”
sukuna groans, running a hand down his face in sheer exasperation. “you’re supposed to be a curse, not some…do-gooder.”
he looks at you as with a quick side-eye.
“I think it’s sweet,” you say, shrugging lightly. “she’s got your stubbornness, you know.”
sukuna glares at you, then back at his daughter, who continues to hand out food, humming happily.
“I can’t believe this,” he mutters, watching her with narrowed eyes. “you’re lucky you’re my daughter,” he grumbles under his breath, crossing his arms again.
your daughter stands up after giving away the last of the food, her face glowing prideful but still timid, as she tries to convince her father with her point of view. “see, papa? they’re happy now.”
“you’re impossible,” he grunts, reaching down to ruffle her hair, though he tries to hide the fondness in his movements. the sharpness of his look returns a little as he says, “this doesn’t mean I approve.”
your daughter nods cautiously, before fidgeting with her fingers. ultimately, she decides on something. “do you want some rice, papa?” she asks softly, holding up an empty bowl.
sukuna scoffs, rolling his eyes. “I don’t eat peasant food.” he straightens up, glaring at the remaining villagers who are brave enough to linger nearby.
with just one look, they scatter, leaving the streets eerily quiet.
“but it’s nice!” your daughter insists, her voice earnest as she pouts slightly, her cheeks puffing out in frustration. “please, papa?”
you can’t help but chuckle at the sight of her trying to negotiate with him, and you lean in closer, nudging sukuna with your shoulder. “maybe just a taste? for her sake? please, honey.”
sukuna’s brows furrow in thought, and he glances between you and your daughter, who is practically bouncing on her toes with hope.
he crosses his arms again, acting indifferent. “fine. just a small bite. but I’m not doing this because I want to. understand?”
“okay!” your daughter replies, earnestly, her face lighting up as she dashes to a nearby vendor who is still watching with cautious interest.
sukuna watches her go, shaking his head. “unbelievable,” he mutters, but there’s no real anger in his voice now. it’s more of a begrudging acceptance.
“who would’ve thought you’d have such a kind-hearted little girl?” you tease, wrapping an arm around his waist.
“she’s a curse’s daughter, not a saint,” he replies, but there’s a softness in his tone that you recognize.
his gaze follows your daughter, who is now engaged in a small conversation with the vendor about the best rice. “she should be causing chaos, not handing out food like some charity.”
you laugh lightly, leaning your head against his shoulder. “maybe this is her form of chaos. besides, look how happy she is.”
sukuna’s expression shifts, and you can see the conflicting emotions playing out on his face. he wants to be frustrated, to be the fearsome king of curses that everyone knows him as, yet here he is, watching his daughter bring joy to others.
your daughter returns, bowl in hand, and holds it up proudly. “here, papa! just a taste!”
he takes the bowl and raises it to his lips, taking a small, measured taste of the rice.
“well?” your daughter prompts, her eyes wide with anticipation.
he chews slowly, contemplating the flavor as if he’s analyzing a potent curse. you can see the wheels turning in his mind, weighing the taste against his own expectations.
“it’s... not terrible,” he finally admits, and your daughter squeals with delight, jumping up and down.
“see? I told you!” she exclaims, surprising sukuna as it is the first time he has seen her so excited. “it’s good, isn’t it?”
sukuna shoots you a look that says he’s still not convinced, but the corner of his mouth lifts slightly, revealing a hint of amusement. “you’ve successfully managed to corrupt my child,” he mutters to you.
“awesome,” you grin, “do I get a reward for being able to corrupt like you do, my husband?”
he rolls his eyes then presses a firm—borderline aggressive—kiss to the top of your head. you pull away and frown, “you tryna squish my head or something?”
“you ask for affection, but can’t handle it?” he tilts his head, a slight smirk on his unfairly handsome face.
“🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏”
“huh?”
“mama, how did you speak in drawings?”
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bluemoontarot · 2 years ago
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Me wondering why I'm about to cry at my desk whilst reading Mollymauk death angst and fics when 99% of the year the topic doesn't bother me
Looks at the date, sees it's June 6th
Me: Ah, yes. The yearly mourn. I see.
*June 8th is the bad place for me lol
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