#i mean i am just so sad and empty feeling
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they really did just give me all of the dogshit mental illnesses, huh
#i mean what mental illness isn't dosghit#anyways the reason why my depression meds probably don't work is because i'm bipolar#that's what my therapist thinks anyways. and it makes sense considering the lil manic episodes i have#so um. that fucking sucks but it also explains everything so its fine really#like i really really want to do drugs actually#i mean i am just so sad and empty feeling#i'm working on art but nothing i'm making means anything#can i just get permission to do a shit ton of stimulants#i am sooooooo bored#i'm really trying to make myself feel better here but only with things that'll do it instantly#anyways i want to not smoke because i am running out of weed and money#but i'm gonna smoke delta 8 anyways rn because even after all this caffeine etc i feel nothing and i need something#honestly can i just pass away though. i am so pathetic#or can i actually become hypo manic again. because at least i felt something#anyways does anyone want to be friends with me even though i am severely mentally ill#or can someone give me some dopamine/serotonin. i feel like shit#vent
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Yeonjun about the strain he felt while preparing for his debut solo project ✙ "GGUM" MAKING FILM
#yeonjun#choi yeonjun#tomorrow x together#txt#ggum: making film#gifs#creations#userzaynab#useryeonbins#skyehi#rosieblr#megtag#hibiebear#heyiri#ultkpopnetwork#kpopccc#kpopco#this are like the rawest emotions we've seen from him... I feel... it's really sad to watch him like this#i mean I know they're under lots of pressure and stress#It's only natural when you work with so many people who you could potentially disappoint#and I know it was his choice to make this solo project happen now but i feel like the company could manage his schedule better#because why he films till 3 am and then right next day has a flight to another country for a concert...#and now we know from soobin they're super busy again#I'm worried his body will just say 'enough' one day and something bad will happen :(#and you have him work so hard and stress and then all this losers online whose biggest achievement is getting 100 likes on a post#writing the worst things about him for no reason... its not that hard to be kind and you dont need to have an opinion about everything :D#at the end of the day that celebrity you hate so much is still pretty and successful#and you're just a friendless jobless empty-headed rotten fool with likes on a post that mean nothing once you close the ap#I'm just glad all this is still fun for him and that he has such a great support system: his members family staff who care about him and us#all we can really do is support them and send them lots of love fr ;; you've done well my jjunie ily ♥
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Anyone else just not feeling like a real person much lately?
#'lately' he says#as if he's not been feeling this way for the last 28 years#idk man#maybe it's bc I'm getting older and so are the people i hang/chat with#but it feels like everyone else has a real life and real interests and experiences and things to say#and I'm some kind of hollow scarecrow person just full of memory loss and sadness#i feel very stupid and very boring#which i know is too harsh. and i know i should be kinder to myself bc life and covid and shit can't have helped the brain situation#and i should absolutely believe my friends when they say they wanna hang with me bc it's mean not to take them at their word#but I'm still like... why though?#genuinely what's the appeal of being around me. my head is empty i have nothing to add and I'm not interesting or that funny#it's been creeping up on me. this feeling like i just genuinely have nothing to offer.#i don't even know who i am#except for a person who like. lives vicariously through fictional characters experiencing feelings I've never had cause to feel#i can relate to emotions SO vividly except i myself haven't even felt the half of them#i just sort of quietly exist somewhere on the spectrum between content and discontent#with occasional drops into the despair zone#and even if the stuff i think is keeping me here went away tomorrow. like if mum stopped being an issue and i was free#like... what would i even do?#i don't even know how to want something#anyway. this has been morning mental breakdowns with newt#I'm going to go make some made up guys live the life i haven't now#mr. bees speaks#negative
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oh, great! I cleaned out all my fountain pens before we moved, and then chose just a few to take with me. plus ink, obviously.
except someone took the damn ink out of the bag I had put it in. sooo it's probably in the storage unit now and I won't see it again until April 🙃
#no I know this is fine and not a problem etc etc#BUT#I need to write shit down 😭 I'm feeling baaad and that means it's time to write in my diary and I CAN'T because none of my pens HAVE#ANY INK IN THEM!!#even my bullet journal fountain pen is allllmost out of ink! and I didn't bring any gel pens because why would I???#oooh I am mad rn.#the local stationery shop closed last year soo. I will have to order ink online if I can't find mine. 🙃#yes I know I could use a fucking ballpoint pen or something like a caveman (sorry) but everything but fountain pens hurts my wrist 😭#this is a 'need to write 20 pages that will inevitably turn into 'oh I am so sad because I cannot touch this fictional man' very quickly and#nothing else will help' situation 😭😭😭😭#sooo I will now start figuring out which ink I am going to buy. maybe I'll manage to just get one. hahahaha that was a good joke :')#personal#oh my GOD I just realised I didn't even pack any syringes OR CONVERTERS OR EMPTY CARTRIDGES EITHER#fuck this I just ruined my whole damn day
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How to explain that going to church makes me hurt and angry, but not going to church makes me sad and depressed.
#I need to go to Mass. I need to get over the anxiety mental block and just go.#blue chatter#it’s just. I’ve only gone a couple times this semester and every time has left me feeling more empty and hurt than when I walked in#and I know Mass is more than just how you feel. and that it matters that I am there where God calls me to be#I know.#I wish nobody there knew me so they wouldn’t be so worried and ask questions about where I’ve been#it’s like. I cannot possibly explain to my church friends why I haven’t been showing up.#it’s not even scrupulosity anymore it’s just. I can’t be here. I don’t belong here.#and the new priest is trying *so hard*. I’ve been honest with him about how I’m struggling.#but it’s just. there’s something missing. he wants to include the congregation but fundamentally doesn’t understand what that means.#‘everyone is welcome. No I will not make an effort to include marginalized people. they’re welcome bc they can Walk In The Door.’#and I know it’s not that the church has changed#if anything I’d be having the same issues with the old priest. I’m the one who’s changed.#but instead of spending my Sundays with God I’m just. melting into a puddle of Sad. and that’s not good for my faith life.#I need to do *something*. I just. any time I think of trying a new church i feel exhausted.#God please help me.#I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to be alone and miserable and losing touch with my faith
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🌷
#i cant believe i could've almost been his girlfriend!!!!#im sad that he never asked me and never waited ....#because i know me and im dependable and devoted#i go all in if i love#but instead he .. fell in love fast and quick and i get it. i get why he fell for her i really do so i dont blame him#but... they only lasted a month then they broke up#she left. and i get that she and i are different people#but i cannot fathom how you can have HIM and leave him#i cant even imagine my life without him. he is genuinely all i think about#and she left.... !!!!! i cant understand that (from my pov. she is her own person i know)#i just wish he'd stuck it out and given me a chance (bc he did feel those things for me he said that)#i know the heart want what it wants but oh how i wish#i would've been with him until now. i would've never have left him#i wish i wish he didnt do that bc now he's even more heartbroken and i know it'll just be harder for me to maybe prove myself to him#(btw this sounds super selfish but this is only me venting my feelings!!!)#im still here for him. i've never left. i've been so so patient. isnt that worth anything?#most of the time it feels like he doesnt even appreciate me :( at all#i just cannot believe that HE once upon a time wanted ME to be his gf#if things just had gone a bit differently i would've been so lucky to call myself his#and him mine... that's so crazy to me#that's my dream...#i dont wanna give up on him bc i love him sm i cant imagine any other way my life can go#but.... i cant push if he isnt even replying... i cant bother him too much#then im just crazy#and my anxities arent even letting me message him at all#bc even if i asked if it's ok and he said im not bothering him#im convinced i am. i mean it really seems and feels like i am doing that#so i just cannot even message him..... which makes my life so empty i wanna cry#sometimes i wish i'd never met him bc my love for him has ruined my life now that i cant have him
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One day I'm going to finish my FFXVI mega essay, but for now I think my thoughts on the game can be summarized like this:
When making FFXVI, the developers sure knew what they wanted to do, and by god were they going to do it.
Were they also going to do other things that would make those first thing better? Were they going to do other things that make a good game overall? Ehhhhh...they were going to do what they wanted to do, and invest all their time and effort into that, so surely that would be enough! Surely!
#i saw someone call FFXVI the most disappointing 8/10 game they'd ever played#and i agree 100%#it started off SO STRONG#and then. and then!!!#ffxvi#my overall rating is in fact an 8 out of 10. maybe 8.5. definitely not a 9#i enjoyed many parts of it but by god were the lows low#some of the highs were very high too! i don't regret buying or playing the game! i'm glad i did#but yeah most disappointing 8/10 i ever played is an apt description#my opinion might be slightly impacted by my uh. mental state at the time#2023 was not a good year for me. for several months ffxvi was the only thing i had to look forward to in life#and that's really sad but that was just the place i was in. life was absolutely miserable#i played the demo and was over the moon. good things were coming! it was way better than i anticipated!#then i played the game and while i enjoyed a lot of it a lot was just tedious in a bad way#so many repeated plotlines and so much whacking you over the head with the points they wanted to make#like come on guys i am not an idiot do you really need to tell me this exact thing 18 different times#and have me go out of my way to get. reward which is just a slightly different flavor of that same thing 18 times#that's what i mean by them doing a few things very well. by god were they going to do them. and only them#graphics? beautiful. i had to stop at several points bc i was stunned by the quality.#but after you've seen a few forests and some fallen ruins it gets boring when that's it. the world was just so small and empty#yes i do support the rise up against your oppressor plotlines because that is a good thing to do but that was like. 90% of the story#(including sidequests) and it just kind of got old. why did i just spend 3 hours straight doing sidequests that gave me nothing new#made some of the sidequests feel pointless. especially because the rewards in this game sucked#uh oh i'm getting too negative so i'll end it here#ffxvi was a good game but it is not one of my faves. glad i played it but idk when i'll play it again.#erurandomness
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shin would apologize for his bed being a mess even if it’s overall fine, meanwhile keiji’s out here like “hey, let’s uh. keep this in the hallway alright? maybe find a nice, grassy spot to talk this out...” and then when he moves out of the doorway to close his apartment door you’re briefly face-to-face with the fact that he. needs severe help.
#he doesn't hoard things but what he does have just... isn't organized#he isn't the sort who deals with nasty food or what have you scattered around the place; it's more of a... why do you have a lightbulb on#the floor sir. -> ''oh. that. huh. must've been a ghost.'' (voice of someone who was having terrible hallucinations)#(in the midst of trying to replace a dull bulb and just gave up even though he knows he might get glass in his foot)#and then of course just. a corner for his pile of bedsheets & towels... papers strewn about his main living area. his dishwasher is always#full of shit and he never has the energy to put the clean dishes anywhere but the spare counterspace#which means he has to prepare his food on the main coffee table#and so you see like. spice and flour or emptied cans there#it's just... idk. i think a lot abt the characters' living spaces and his makes me especially sad#esp knowing his mother's probably in a. similar position w the lack of motivation to do upkeep w/o (young) keiji's health at stake#& the whole... setting an example thing (where even then she feels she failed) - certainly not as bad as him. but...#they're definitely predisposed to. depression lol. it's simply the poor man's life#jestersvaguely#yttdposting#god. what am i doing talking abt keiji fucking shinogi. rubs my face. i don't care much for this guy & i just meant to get up to draw#+ get pain medicine & then go back to bed...
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my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and
#like life as in. i can't say love life but like you know what's happening with the guys and the girls#girl#and i was so tired#am so tired#i just made up an excuse that im too physically tired too talk to cut the call and told her id call her back but i won't#i want to okay i really do I want to hear about her life what's going on but she's not that type of person jinke saamne#i can just divert the topic from myself avoid talking about me she's determined and caring like that😭#just. kya batau main#i spent the whole day working but really if i stopped doing anything for like 2 minutes all the last convos i had with everyone i#liked loved whatever started replaying in my head constantly making me feel all down and sad in public yk that empty heaviness inside chest#i mean. what is there to say. i feel truly pathetic#everyone just keeps leaving me. they decide one day that oh nope she's not for me not interesting anymore doesn't understand is too much#draining and destroys my peace and then they leave#it doesn't even matter the weight of the relationship#whether it's been a year of being in love or two weeks of talking till 5 am or a week of wishing me good morning and good night#every day. it doesn't matter they leave and they leave and they leave and they don't look back and im left to pick up the pieces go on#pretend to be okay and normal and fucking focused on like. studying accounts as if my heart isn't breaking#into a million tiny pieces everytime#i don't know how to tell her. the sister you love so much the sister you can't live without imagine life without. the#sister who you thought about holding on for because you couldn't do that to her leave her alone when you had suicidal thoughts. she's#she's actually deeply unlovable undateable unfuckable and like truly lonely and easy to let go of#i know she loves me and i know my bestfriend loves me and she would fall apart if i wasn't there for her#but it's not enough. i really wish it was. but it's okay it's enough for now it's enough to keep me going it's enough to make me not wanna#die yk? like i don't love myself enough to live for myself get better for myself but they need me so i need to be okay be happy because i#need them to be happy. and they're happy when im happy#does that make sense#okay bye i should really start writing a diary
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...
#this just in: local algae enthusiast shocked to find that u feel bad when u dont take care of yourself >:-[#this is bullshit. i am rattling the bars of my cage and also i am standing outside the door with the key#what do u mean i cant not sleep enough. intensely focus for 6.5hrs nonstop and have to take care of additional stuff floating around.#and then spend all my time agonizing over not being productive enough?#ugh. its exhausting. and its one thing to live like this and love what ur doing. its another when u dont fucking care so all ur time feels#empty and pointless bc all u do is work. bleh i just wanna draw all the time but coloring takes so much time when u wanna make complicated#things :-( so its like draw something new or spend 3hrs coloring and i hate coloring :-P#its also frustrating bc when i read papers associated with the work ill be doing in the fall i actually enjoy it#and thats what i wanna do in my free time but that space is so limited bc working takes up all the space#and drawing takes a lot of time. but hey i can cut out more space by not taking care of myself 😎#ugh. dont b like me. draw a healthy line between academia and life#otherwise its like yay reviewers have approved ur 1st authored paper and im like i could not even begin to care#light all my data on fire for all i care. i would feel nothing#and im not gonna rake od measurements today. fuck u. im tired and if i accidentally killed a culture ill be sad#ugh. but i should. but i have to do some coding before the end of the day and i cant if i have to spend another hr here 😫#ugh. just a few more months#unrelated
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Fuck the post-binge spiral is hitting so hard rn. I am drowning lmao
#and by binge I mean tv binge#I don’t drink so don’t worry about that#I’m just done with Peaky Blinders and it was so good that I no longer know what to do with myself#like genuinely#im walking through a thick fog#sometimes I feel like the only time im ever really happy is when I disappear into a story#me#who I am and the problems that I face#none of that matters when im consuming media#like the only problems that matter are the ones that the characters are facing#because I would rather face earth shattering dilemmas#than go back to work in my stupid fucking customer service job#and go to my stupid fucking college#I feel like a wild animal trapped in a cage#I am restless and angry and sad and empty#and I just want#more#of what? I don’t know#anyway#random
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contemplating the idea that religion and spirituality and supernatural beliefs might simply not be for me and it is a bit sad
#i would say i officially officially left christianity in 2018#and since then i have tried a multitude of different things trying to fill the space that left in my life#and i kept trying to shove things in there not realizing that space was being filled on its own#it is filled with nature (not in a nature as religion way... explaining what i mean might be its whole own post cause it's complicated)#and my friends and family. it's filled with love for myself and care for other people#there is non christian music that makes me feel the way christian music used to#i don't need god to be happy#i don't want god to be happy either#and this search for some belief in something. paganism. divination. ghosts. pop culture polytheism. heathenism. witchcraft. devil worship.#ancestor veneration.... etc etc etc. none of it sticks. none of it feels like i'm doing something#it all (as in all religion and spirituality and supernatural beliefs) feels like pretend. my brain is sure it's all make believe#and it makes me feel a bit sad because i wanted it for so long#and so many other people have it and it's very important to them#and i would like to devote myself to something bigger than me#but it just... doesn't work for me#and i don't need it... so maybe i'm going to try not looking for a while and see how it goes#this doesn't mean i am lacking in some way. it doesn't make my life empty#it doesn't mean i can't feel the way others do#it just means i am different from some people and that's okay
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(つ︿◕｡)
「it is lonely without you, fushiguro.」
#so they went with 허전하다 as well: meaning both a feeling of emptiness and loneliness that comes from absence...#of someone or something.#as i mentioned in the tags of the initial post.#particularly when it comes to describing one's heart as 허전하다 it has a feeling of sadness as if one has lost someone that one depended on...#i do feel [it is lonely/i feel lonely without you fushiguro] is the closest match in english...#(as a non-native it sounds more natural to me) but if i were to translate it for a more word for word match it would be along the lines of:#[if you are not here it feels/i feel lonely fushiguro]...#thought i would add this here in hopes it might be helpful for english language readers...#because it is much more difficult to find the right translation/interpretation in english and i have seen so many variations.#please do keep in mind that i am no professional translator and this is just a personal attempt at interpreting the meaning in english.#jjk spoilers
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i feel absolutely awful and idk how to do this
#ppl can be so mean bc like#i get that im pathetic#i get thqt he doesnt want me#i fkn get it#but idk... if he was the one good thing in my life that gave me comfort and hope#ofc im fkn broken up abt it bc i thought i would get to show him how much i love him#and i know he wanted me and loved me too#i just fucked it up w my dumb ass avpd#so i cant be mad at him and im not#ive always only ever wanted him to be happy#i thought i could love him as he needs but ..#ill never know#at least i can hope for him now#i love him sm and i want him to not do bad and feel bad and i want him to br happy#but i am still fkn sad and im allowed to be#ppl can think im pathetic bc i am#but i cant pretend this doesnt hurt so bad#like also... i dont have friends or a job or anything to do so#all i think abt is how badly i wanted to spend my life and all my time w him but now i dont get to#ppl probably dont get it but#i have never ever felt this way before#like the only person i care abt is my mom and i love her#but besides that its just him#avpd makes me feel dead and empty#ofc its not that i dont care care abt other ppl#i just dont feel that much#i dont say it to be an asshole but it is just how i feel#idk what is wrong w me#but it is scary and awful bc genuinely....#i dont really care when other ppl leave me bc im like oh well just another one
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I think I'm going to complain.
#I'm TIRED!!!! what do you mean it's Saturday I'll be tired tomorrow too and then I have ti go back to work?? How am I supposed to find the#Time to study and write this stupid thesis when I'm EXHAUSTED I'm physically drained even after a day (today) where I slept in went on a#Walk and read in the park. How do I get back into studying. I feel like I'm about to fall into pieces.#And I'm so sad. I'm ridiculously sad. I don't want to do anything I don't want to see anyone I'm bored I feel so gray and useless#And when I do see people I don't even feel better I only feel more tired. I should get out in 30 minutes and idk about that because I don't#Wanna see those people but also my only other option is to remain in my room all alone with nothing to do like I do every day#And that's not better. So it's just. I can't seem to find joy that lasts more than some minutes. I'm always bored and dissatisfied and#I feel so empty. I don't like feeling like this but I don't know where to start. I feel like someone has been drinking my life strength out#My body. I can't even cry. I'm just. Completely numb. I want to run away to the country side or somewhere with a river and stay there alone#And I want time to stand still because I've already lost so much of it but I can't snap out this feeling at all so I keep on wasting time#And I feel like shit and my head hurts. That's it.#m
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read something kinda off-putting on twitter and now I'm sad :(
#it's something like. i can't say it cause it's easy to tell who said it. but idk#being a writer already is so frustrating and you're very unappreciated and like#it breaks my heart to spend weeks and weeks working on something just for people to say the tag is empty and they need more things to read#like idk. maybe support the fics you do have and acknowledge all that work that's been done already#i was fine and like. i'm selfish so i check the tags to see if people mention the 10.5k fic i JUST fuckin posted two days ago and no#it's just. idk i want to cry#and i don't mean for people to pity me but i worked hard but i am not popular at all so idk. i want to be acknowledged at least#fan writers do so much to keep a community going just for people to eat your work up like it's nothing#idk. it's nothing if it's me#maybe it's me. idk what i did for everyone to just ignore and avoid me so much. i#i see people want more post canon fics like okay i will write one. then they're over it by the time i post. then they're like oh so empty#then they want college fics. but if i write it then by the time i post it they want something else. and it makes me want to fuckin scream#is it just me? like do people just not like me idk. i wish they'd say so so i can pack up and leave and stop trying to please people#idk i'm just in a bad place. i'm tired and sad and i love writing but having written is just it feels like people stomping on my heart#idk i'm sorry i'm sorry
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