#ik that I’m mentally ill
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maybe I’m a bad and petty person but I feel completely justified in my anger, in my hate. I feel no guilt about it.
#if I didn’t tho would it tear me up inside as much or is it something else#ik that I’m mentally ill#I know that the stress of them being here is making me worse mentally and physically#why do we have to suffer for them#it’s not fucking fair#I fear everytime Chevy goes down because I’m too stricken with fear#that they’ll do something#I lock myself in my room because im paranoid#I see them when I close my eyes in my dreams in the dark#they’re fucking with me#and even if I hurt myself my mother would just cling to them tighter#they are thirty and older but they latch onto her teat with teeth and she refuses to let them go#the cord needs to be cut by an outside source#do y’all hear this shit??????? this is the type of shit repeating in my head nearly 24/7 I think I’m fucking losing it
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lately i’ve been trying to make my life into something that’s worth living again. wearing clothes i like. cutting my hair the length i want. brushing my teeth, trying to remember to floss. stretching my body. taking vitamins, and my meds. practicing new hobbies. revisiting old ones. going to therapy. hell, even trying a new major and avenue for a career. at the end of the day you have to make your life into a life you want to live. i think maybe that’s what it’s all about.
#i won’t stop until i make a life i won’t just tolerate but one i’ll love#silas speaks#recovery#mental illness#transmasc#trans#neurodivergence#neurodivergent#actually mentally ill#queer#lgbtq+#lgbtq#transgender#ftm#writing#rambling#also i’m v lucky to have access to therapy ofc ik it’s not always accessible#tboy swag#trans masc#transmasculine#genderqueer#autism#audhd#adhd#autism tag#audhd tag#adhd tag
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early days into rinzler’s repurposing were…difficult 😬
redraw/rework of this
#tron#tronblr#tron legacy#rinzler#my art#ik the longer hair implies a significant amount of time has passed#but it’s just b/c i like rinzler w a mullet#his eyes are fucked because he was fighting his repurposing#and as his repurposing was made more severe the more it fucked him up#so rinz went ‘damn i’m tearing myself apart and it isn’t even helping me at all’ so he stopped fighting#which is why and how his eyes are the way they are during legacy/how i normally draw them#clu when he gives that program mental illness: he’s fineeee
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ocd is weird bc I definitely still have it, I just got really good at identifying it and shutting it down. Like I was taking down a gross medical sticker on my wall that for some reason I stuck up there last year, and my brain was like “no don’t do it. You’ll die if you do that” so I put it back on and my brain was like “or…maybe life will get way better if you take if off. And if you leave it life will get worse. Want to make that choice” and I was like really stumped over it, then suddenly I was like ohhhhh ocd you tricky devil… and tore the sticker off. I go thru this exact experience about thrice a week.
#ocd#Just a peek into my twisted mind……#Jokes aside ik this probably still sounds weird and mentally ill#But trust me on this#It’s way better than it sounds#At least comparatively#Back in 2020 I literally didn’t piss for 2 days because I thought pissing would cause the world to end#Like me at 15 was legit contemplating suicide bc it got to a point where I couldn’t even move#Without being convinced it would end the world#So all I could do was just lay in bed and I couldn’t grab my phone either bc that would also end the world I guess#Couldn’t blink freely had to do like one blink two fast blinks one slow blink#Damn just remembering how much it tormented me before I got a handle on it is actually pissing me tf off Wtf#Fuck ocd I fucking hate ocd#I’m so glad I outsmarted it#Shit was easy too#Bc the way my ocd worked was it was just completely spontaneous#There were certain patterns especially w numbers (like I couldn’t interact w the numbers 6 or 4)#But for the most part it was just whatever my brain decided was bad in that exact moment#Which was why it got as bad as it did so quickly#But that was also why I was able to go “ok well if I obey any compulsion all my fears will come true”#And that WORKED#IT WORKED FUCKING PERFECTLY#SO FUCKING DUMB#who even needs therapy I’m fucking Mr. Mental health. Fuck uou#tw compulsions#tw ocd#tw sui mention#< sui mention is in tags
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xxx.
#( ooc . mun speaks . )#i have been feeling. so not good lately.#i PROMISE it’ll be the last i talk abt this for awhile lol#i just cannot get the feeling of being replaceable or unwanted out of my head.#i keep feeling like . . . i’m not good enough#like. my writing isn’t good enough & my portrayal isn’t good enough.#& like i’m annoying or too much ooc.#ik ppl come here to get AWAY from yuckiness so im sorry to spread that.#i am just in a bad way i fear. just sad & anxious & feeling awful abt myself all the time.#there are such wonderful & kind souls here & i dont want to discredit their sweetness#ive just overall been having a rough time w/ my mental health. ill be okay though! just struggling atm.#tw vent#tw negative#tw negativity
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do any of y’all kin a character you hate like it’s so embarrassing😭
#i don’t really HATE her but i’m not incredibly fond of fiona yet i relate a lot to her#chaotic eldest parentified daughter of mentally ill mother who makes shitty decisions and self sabotages constantly😁#i mean i relate to debbie a lot and way more than fiona but still#im a hypocrite ik#text
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That AWESOME BPD feeling when your ex who hurt you throughout the relationship over and over again and made you feel like an intrinsic part of yourself was wrong has no problems post-breakup and feels fine and is laughing with their friends and having a great time and not feeling bad at all and also she’s your roommate so you have to listen to it :) what if I killed myself
#wolvenwhispers#vent#ik this thinking is unhealthy but god#why am I so unlovable#everyone fucking leaves me behind and uses me and cuts me off#at least this time the person stayed by me as my roommate and didn’t just fuck off#but like sometimes that’s worse#cause I’m forced to watch her completely move on like nothing happened and I’m just HHGGWWGGWGWGWGW FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!#I already had multiple conversations with her communicating how she hurt me in the relationship#and how that hurt lead to a lot of my struggle behaviors near the end of our relationship and afterwards#so I don’t wanna be a dick and keep bringing shit up but god it’s so fucking painful#I’m never gonna find someone who sees me for me and actually likes the person they find#I’m fat and ugly and mentally ill and all my interests are fucking stupid and I’m useless and lazy#I deserve to rot in my bed and never get up again
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I’m always attracting people I have no compatibility with, nothing in common, it’s so draining
#ik it’s because I’m too fake but it’s like!!! if I’m not fake I get treated like scum so sometimes I just want people to be niceys to me#or like at work where my leftist ideals of giving workers free food and drink is taken as flirting#I just. ugh. where are the cool people at. where. why is everyone a fuckboy or a demure cutesy whatever the fuck#HELLO???? IS ANYONE OUT THERE???????#I wish my work uniform exposed my tattoos I think that would help just a bit#it really does feel like being my exact combination of social detriments (mentally ill. politically homeless. detrans. poor.) makes me#completely isolated from every other human being#ik it’s not true and my people are out there. but it really does be feeling that way#I need to get back into the city#swear on my life people out here are being piloted by bugs or maybe water contaminants#(living in the worlds stupidest suburbs)
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holy tax accountant my beloved
#ik i watched this yesterday but i’m mentally ill about this show n still thinking about it <3#spn 4×1
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Yea.
#Ik I posted abt him already today but yk this was funny#im slightly mentally ill#I’m so sorry y’all 😭#ftm t4t#t4t mlm#mlm thoughts#To my family who sees this uh yea
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my enstars hyperfixation revving back up and soundcloud shitting itself for me happening at the same exact time is like getting shot in both kneecaps by god
#ik the songs are on spotify I’m pretty sure but I’m unfortunately an apple music user#me and yt are becoming besties rn shes my only source of mentally ill twink idol music currently#skittles.txt
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Weird to think how insane my extended family is like yall wtf are you on
#Actually with how mentally ill they are I’m sure some of them are on something whether medication or just. Drugs.#Like you hid our fucking identity for generations#and still are bc your racist#Tried to kill your husband#And also some of you stole like. A jar of money? Girly ik you guys are poor but stop 😭#Meanwhile the worst my parents are doing is fighting#How am I related to you ppl
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So mentally ill over the like 3 episode stretch of Jesse’s downfall I can’t even bear to look…
#fuck stoica#don’t ever touch my wife again#still mad at fabia for beating him too but ik she had to I guess… sigh#i’m mentally ill
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Sometimes it makes me sad that a lot of people never just look at something completely mundane and realize how beautiful it is.
#an interesting texture or a striking shape. a bold color or something subtle and barely there.#something we don’t even look at twice has thousands of little characteristics making it unique#honestly I might make a sideblog about this because I am mentally ill#ik this sounds hella pretentious but I’m so serious & genuine look at anything right now & find something you think is beautiful about it
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I don’t really feel like getting better
#I think I’m comfortable in my misery because it’s all ik#I’ve convinced myself that recovery is impossible for me and i shouldn’t bother because I’ll never get better#vent#is it such a crime to admit i don’t want to feel better sometimes?#bitches be acting like it is the worst thing in the world to be mentally ill and pessimistic or whatever#im just being honest#honesty is the best policy but not if ur crazy#tw self sabotage#tw self destructive thoughts
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#hate being mentally ill on the tl but I need to write this down#the other day I saw my sister for the first time in a few months and the first thing i noticed#was that she put on some weight and that for the first time in my life I was now the skinny sister#how fucked up is that?!??#I hate what this world and this life has done to me#to make me feel like being skinny is an achievement#I’m ill for fucks sake#bare in mind that she is not overweight at all if anything she looks healthier than ever and I’m happy for her!!#because she always struggled with her body image and ik that it bothers her too#but damn I felt so disgusting with myself for thinking that
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