#ik people would most likely be okay to help but i also dont want to be a burden

[bueris]

okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

[small-jar]

Ughhhhh I'm at a low point bc I just got more useful advice about my mental health from an ai on character ai. (Don't attack me its a guilty pleasure) than I have with my past therapist. And I haven't been to a therapist in years at this point.

[xanderisbraindead]

How to get the confidence to dress alternative in public: LONG POST {from a scene king!!}

I hear a lot of young teens online saying things along the lines of, “I would love to dress like that but I’m scared”. We’ve all been there, it takes bravery to step outside the box. Since 2020, there has been an uptick in alternative fashion, which makes things a little better, but it doesn’t mitigate the fear some people feel.

As someone who has been dressing alternative all throughout highschool and who I’d like to think has some 17 year old wisdom, this is how you can get the confidence to dress how you want. This can apply to other alternative fashion types like decora, punk, goth ect ect.

This post goes with a youtube video!! You can just watch it if you dont wanna read

Realize why you’re scared: Is it because you’re afraid of being different or picked on? Are you afraid of change? Do you think your friends/peers won’t care about you anymore? These are all valid reasons, and once you know why, you can start to tackle it. Change isn’t bad, everyone changes, change is natural. Look around at nature, seasons change, we grow and age, animals migrate and go through metamorphosis. You don’t have to be confined to one thing forever just because you weren’t born that way. As for the fear of being picked on, fuck those people. Do you know why people tease others? It’s because they’re insecure. Hurt people hurt people. When people see you being yourself and they wish they could do that, they take it out on you because in their heart, they’re jealous. You’re not the problem, they are. (If you’re afraid of being physically hurt, that is completely different and I would not advise putting your safety in jeopardy)

Start slow. While you’re still building your wardrobe, you can start slowly stepping out with small accessories and such. Add some kandi to your outfit or a tattoo choker. This is mainly to ease yourself into it. Big changes can be pretty scary and jarring, so easing into it can help you.

Have some role models. By this I mean, have people you look up to, people that are inspiration to you. Me? Some of mine here on tumblr are @xx-may4-malic3-xx , @xx-k1tsun3-k1d-xx , @xxdespairfactionashtonxx , @cigsnvalentines to name a few. Theres also some old scene queens, musicians, ect. Find whoever you want. I’m reccomending this, because when you see other people doing the same as you, it makes you go “if they can do it, so can I”. Most people probably wont even mind if you send them an ask about specific things (ik i dont, i love them).

Kinda the same point, but build a community. We have a pretty good community here on tumblr. Community is the backbone to everything. Ideally it would be someone irl, but not everyone is lucky enough to have cool irl friendz.

Fake it till you make it. Nobody has to know you’re scared but you. I’m not saying get super extroverted if you’re introverted and go around exuding confidence like a lazar beam. Dance in your mirror, hype yourself up. Take cool pictures and edit them, even if you don’t post them online. Learn to walk with your head up, again SLOWLY. As you start introducing more alternative elements into your wardrobe, wear them with pride.

Be the change you want to see. What I mean is if you want people to be kinder, you be kinder. Try to compliment someone every day. People actually aren’t as rude as you think, maybe I’m an optimist, but I think the average person isn’t terrible. Complimenting other people also makes you feel good, try it. Piggybacking off this point, don’t take things so personally. I know if can be easier to harp on the negative looks and comments you got versus the good ones, but you have to look past this. There are gonna be bad apples always, but their misdeeds can blind you from the people who think you’re pretty cool. Don’t let one bad apple ruin the bunch.

Lastly, realize being cringe is okay. Not just realize it, but internalize it. What even is cringe? Define cringe… Weird? Different? Everyone is different, everyone is weird about something. As I said earlier, some people are just too scared to be themselves. In 80 years when you’re old and looking back on your life, would you rather regret not being your authentic self, or think of all the fond memories of your life? Regret is one of the worse things in life, it’s terrible. There is nobody you can be but yourself. You’re you, so be you.

Remember that this is something that can take months or years. I feel like this past year and a half I have become fully confident in my fashion. I have been dressing alternative for 5 years for reference. I hope this could help someone.

If I wasnt clear on anything, feel free to send me an ask! Im more than happy to help!!

[verysanebsdfan]

HII

I LOVE UR WRITING and was wondering if u could do headcanons of the main 4 in hxh (if thats too much then just Gon and Killua separately) having an s/o who's just really sweet, kind, polite n calm

but can turn 180 rq and become super defensive of their loved ones.. insulting n basically having no mercy on whoever messed w them

TYY

I t didnt save thr first draft :(( it was so long and quite good too :((

Anywaysssssss

THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING!! IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY TO SEE THAT PEOPLE ENJOY MY WORK!!

I dont think i did well with the second part of the req in most cases and i am really sorry for that

tw: none i think? mentions of "recreating" the kurta clan :3

𝓚𝓾𝓻𝓪𝓹𝓲𝓴𝓪 𝓚𝓾𝓻𝓽𝓪, 𝓛𝓮𝓸𝓻𝓲𝓸 𝓟𝓪l𝓪𝓭𝓲𝓷𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽, 𝓖𝓸𝓷 𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓮𝓬𝓼𝓼, 𝓚𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓾𝓪 𝓩𝓸𝓵𝓭𝔂𝓬𝓴 (𝓼𝓮𝓹𝓪𝓻𝓪𝓽𝓮) 𝔁 𝓰𝓷! 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓮𝓻

⋆ ˚☁️ ⁀➴

⋆ You would be just a new hunter trying to make some good money while also putting your skills to use, so you became a bodyguard. That is how you two met

⋆ My bb is obsessed with revenge but thats okay, he later became obsessed with you too

⋆ Somehow you would get closer cuz u got that mc energy (ik that Gon is the mc but you slay sooo)

⋆ This would be the Fell first (you) and fell harder (kurapika) cuz oml

⋆ He would probably notice that you caught feelings for him, but dw he will soon notice his feelings soon.

⋆ After more time of knowing you, he would notice more of the small things you do, both for him and other people.

⋆ The sweet smile you give people that pass by, or just you asking him if he slept well made his heart speed up.

⋆ His heart also sped up when you offered to help him get his revenge and get the eyes of his clan memebers back

⋆ After he completed his revenge he would confess to you <3

⋆ He would be so sweet!!

"You aren't feeling well love? Do you want me to cook you something delicious? Coming right up!!"

⋆ He would want children, so if you cant have children or cannot, you would maybe hire a surrogate or adopt, but i am not sure how would adoption work if he would wanna pass the scarlet eyes too, cuz yk, genes...

⋆ Oki so, you two would meet in med schol and lemme tell you, he would be SMITTEN

⋆ You would start hanging out as study partners, and later have actual cute study dates in cafés.

⋆ Honestly, i feel like he would confess quite soon, but it would be really romantic and all, like good food, candles and all that.

⋆ Honestly he is so underrated?! Like whaaaaaaaaa, like yeah he was sorta weird, especially in the trick tower but still!

⋆ He is so husband material tho, not only is he nice, loves you, but he is also able to provide, hunter priviledges ig...

⋆ He would also want children, but only after marriage, and if you are okay with it, but more likely to adopt, since he knows there are a lot of children who are growing up in bad enviroment

⋆ Omg such a baby <3

⋆ You are his friend from the Hunter exam, and you also passed on your first try, so you are quite strong, and you travel with him and Killua

⋆ You both would be really oblivious, acting all sweet and lovey dovey together, so much everyone always assumed you two were dating, even Killua, so he decided to confront you two about it.

⋆ You ofc both denied it, and after seeing Gons embarrassed face, you wanted to tear Kill to shreds, how dare he embarrass Gon! Little did you know that the smoke coming out of Gons head wasnt from embarrassement, but from thinking.

⋆ Did he really like you?

⋆ 𝕪𝕖𝕤

⋆ After he thought it through, he was quite sure that he did like you. He just randomly ran up to you and yelled that he loves you

"(name) I AM SO SORRY I HAVENT REALIZED IT SOONER BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME!!"

⋆ sweetie

⋆ You would be another kid from Whale Island, and you wanted to take the Hunter exam with Gon, but your parent/guardian, didn't let you yet because you weren't strong enough at the time. How can they tell? They used to be a hunter.

⋆ Then after Gon and the main group saved Killua from his crazy ahh family, he wrote you a letter that they were going to the Heavens Arena, and your parent/guardian let you go because it is a training opportunity, and also an opportunity to get you to socialize- urmmm

⋆ So that was when you met Killua

⋆ You two mostly bonded when Gon got hurt in the fight, cause you both love and cherish the little bean, and also while learning nen<3

⋆ After some time, he started to wonder why does he feel weird when talking and spending time with you (hmm its killua x reader, i wonder why...)

⋆ When you got to the 200 floor and fought some guy, he looked as if he was about to win, at that moment Kill wanted to kill him, but you did it instead<3 lovely<3

⋆ After that, you went to the Whale island again, and he met your parent/guardian (moving fast aren't we Kill?~) and they would be your second biggest shipper, cause Gon took the first place.

⋆ Somehow, you convinced your parent/guardian, to let you go with them to york new, and maybe also hang out with them till the next hunter exam, but the second part of you could do was only allowed after they got to know you would go with Killua >_<

⋆ First date in York New, only thanks to Gon (ily bb)

⋆ I can see that you two would either get together before the Hunter exam, or during the chairman election arc, idk

⋆ Either way! Alluka would ADORE YOU!!

⋆ His fav thing about you would be when you scold him for eating too many choco robots...because you care<3

𓇼 ⋆.˚ 𓆉 𓆝 𓆡⋆.˚ 𓇼

Thank you for reading lovelies, remember to drink water, eat 3x a day, and taek care of yourself, baiii<3

[stans-kissing]

trans dipford

maybe sexist Ford? sees Dip having to go to the bathroom or something and realizes he's trans?

OKAY ANON THANK YOU FOR THIS GENUINLEY OK BC I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTSS ABOUT THISSSS. okay. this one might be more a ramble than you asked for. im sorry. also disclaimer i am not a diehard ford fan i am So sorry if i mischaracterize him at all im a stan girl ok. ANYWAYS. tw for transphobia n sexism and also noncon but ill put that under the cut. id dint go into this meaning to include that but i got this ask and took of runnning. sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i. really wish. people would talk about ford being sexist more. because THINK ABOUT IT. THE DUDE HAS BEEN GONE FOR 30 YEARS. AND EVEN BEFORE THEN HE WAS A FUCKING CAVE DWELLER. HE MOST DEFINITELY HAS SOME BACKWARDS VIEWS ON WOMEN. LIKE IT JUST MAKES SNESE OK. i think he definitely comes to learn to think of women as equals and gets rid of his various interalized phobias bUT STILL itd be a whooole lot of educating on his part yknow.

like........bro comes from a time where it was acceptable to treat women as stupid and less than and like espeicallt ford ok hes already such a fucking narc and thinks hes smarter than everyone like GGGHHHH DO YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SAYING. OK. i dont think hes some ;ike fucking nazi trad wifer but like. do you guys understand what i mean ?????!?!!?!?!?! bros gotta have some sort of complex like if he was ever outsmarted by a woman (espeicallt 30s ford) he would probably crash the fuck out. ok. ok anyways. back to the ask now that we have some context out of the wayOKAY YES.

ok so first idea like dip and ford r in the woods or something idfk and dippers complaining about turning back to the house cuz he has to pee and ford’s like dipper my boy just go behind a tree i’ll turn around and hes like. uuhghfhghh fine okay because yknow. not that easy to piss outside when you dont have a dick so hes like nervous but goes for it anyways n he shuffles his pants off and squats behind a tree and idk whatever you get the idea. anyways. ford gets a peek, maybe he notices that dipper wasn't standing, or he noticed that he took his shorts n undies off, idfk you decide chose your own story and he like puts the pieces together like. ioh . huhm. and hes like quiet the rest of their trip andt hinking and. he doesn't want to think of dipper any less, he knows dipper is still his boy but.. theres something about it making him scratch his brain. he doesnt like it, he knows that much, he has a lot of contradicting feelings because on one hand, mason is his smart little boy, but now.. now he's not so sure. can he trust dipper's intelligence? it rubs him the wrong way and he cant help but make a face whenever his eyes scan dipper's body, now noticing all his more feminine traits and kicking himself because how did he not notice before? idk. idk where i was going with hthis i just wanted to write ford deciding he now thought less of dipper okanyways

ok alternative noncon one under the cut

if we;re talking pre-weirdmageddon grooming i have so many thoughts. he;d definitely have a lot of conflicting thoughts about it when he finds out. two ways i want to take this ok woah my brain has so smnay thoughtsogh m god okaotokkatokat FIRST ONE

it was the first time ford had gotten his hands dipper, finally able to feel him up over his clothes, groping him and all that good stuff, dippers all mushy and moan-y and tearyeyed and whimperyyeah on his lap not realizing that he has Not told ford that he's trans. oops , ford goes to cup what he expects to be dip's little boner and , oh. theresum. theres nothing there ? he [pauses and pulls his hand back and leans back to look between them and yeah theres. no boner or anuthing?? dipper whined at the loss of contact and it took his hazy brain a couple seconds to realize what ford was looking at and Oh my god he didn't tell ford. ford's just sitting there you can hear the cogs turn in his brain and he;s like.. mason.. whats going on here... and dip kinda freaks out like oh god oh god uhhh im so sorry i shouldve told you im trans im sorry great uncle ford oh gosh and fords like. hm. his jaw clenches and hes almost- mad? he doesnt know how to feel but yeah hes mad because what? how could dipper not tell him something so.. so.. deceiving? his nostrils flare and he responds to dipper with a grunt and then his hands are back on him, rougher this timeas they paw and grab at him, shucking dipper's clothes off aggressively as the boy starts to panic, \he can tell ford's mad but he doesnt understand why he;s still going through with this if he's mad and he tries to protest, great-uncle ford im sorry, im sorry- we can stop you dont have to- gruunkle ford- stop, please stop stop- but ford doesn't listen, bending dipper over his desk and growling in his ear how he shouldnt have lied to him, how could he trick him like this, good boys are honest boys and if mason even was a boy he;d know that. yeahs erm. he rapes him and dipper is traumatized 4 life Yay!

if this was not what u were looking for anon i Apologize. send me another one if so!

[pierrotdoesnteat]

dunno who to ask abt this, u seem smart:

how do you actually maintain once you reach your ugw? i literally haven't seen anything abt it anywhere. i dont wanna go under my ugw but i also don't wanna gain everything back?? help???!!

okay i wanna start off by saying im nowhere near my ugw and havent had to actually practice this, but its advice ive gathered over time or seen others say worked for them:

- pick one specific calorie intake and stick to it; preferably go with the exact requirement for your body. for me, my ugw is 100lbs and my maintenance cals would be 1600/per day - if you struggled with binging before, and havent actually made progress on the urges, keep trigger foods out of the house until you do deal with it. tempting yourself all over again seems like a pretty easy way to binge in my opinion - exercise. even if you dont want to build muscle, its recommended to do 150 or so minutes of exercise, and both cardio and weight training will improve your overall health - leave disordered spaces. ik this one kinda sucks to hear, but it is really hard to not be tempted to lose "just a few more" or feel competitive or relapse entirely when surrounded by people in actively disordered lifestyles

more than anything though, its really important to remember that bodies are constantly changing, and as you age, its both common and normal to gain some weight. more often than not, you wont maintain one specific weight, but a general range. id also like to acknowledge that statistically, weight lost in healthy ways is more likely to stay off your body. your body also cant adjust to big changes immediately, and making slow changes overtime will most likely help it stay where you want it to. increase or decrease your intake incrementally and give it time to adjust.

[qiangweirosa]

Thank you for taking my request! I loved it. The girls are just so amazing and I love them a lot 🩷🩷 p4 is also my favourite, the vibe there is just so nice😌🌸

Could I request some specific x reader thing? Like, I saw your latest post and ik you didn’t write headcanons before so just pick whatever form you find the easiest (and drop one character if you don’t want to do both)

This might be very specific but like, can I get something about a reader who used to be very sporty and graceful but has had a bad injury that kind of affects the way they walk and their balance. They don’t say it but they are secretly self conscious over it. They still do sports and stuff but they worry about never being enough again (and also ppl making comments about their limp). For characters that would be paired with the reader, I was thinking Mishima (love him sm🩷) and, unsurprisingly,, Ryuji (it’s a bit silly but this character helped me a bit to feel better about my situation)

Once again, thank you for doing my previous request and taking the time to read this one. I hope it’s not too heavy or self indulgent in my part, its a bit embarrassing to be fair haha

-★🐶

Mishima + Ryuji x Reader (separate)

relationships: mishima/reader, ryuji/reader tws: none wc: 462 extra: reader is gender neutral // I LOVE MISHIMA??? hes one of my favorite characters in p5 hes so silly... i actually had a lot of trouble writing this so i hope its good enough for you... dont ever apologize for being self indulgent with me i am literally the most self indulgent reader ever. ty for the request and i'm glad you liked the last one!

Mishima :

You stood in front of the diner in Shibuya, looking around with your bag on your shoulder and your phone in hand. Yuuki had texted you he’d be here in 5 minutes, exactly 5 minutes ago. You kept glancing at your screen, checking to see if he had texted you again. 

You usually tried to keep an eye on your surroundings, but you must’ve been too focused on your phone to see the crowd of people rushing into you. You tried keeping yourself up, but it was no use - you felt yourself falling over, almost resigning yourself to your fate before a pair of arms clumsily held you up. 

You looked to your side to see Yuuki, looking frantic and panicked as he slowly made sure you were back up on your feet. Just as you were about to thank him, he held you by the shoulders and yelled. 

“Are you alright?!”

After taking a second to recover, you chuckled and held onto his arms. 

“I am, no need to worry.”

He looked you over worriedly, and finally let out a sigh of relief as he saw that you were indeed alright. Yuuki brought you closer to him in a hug, which you returned. 

“Should we go inside? I don’t want you to get hurt if someone bumps into you again.”

He offered as he pulled back, taking one of your hands in his bashfully. 

“I’m not that fragile, you know… But sure, let’s go.”

He pulled you up the stairs behind him for your date. Yuuki could be a little too protective when it came to your injury, but he ultimately just didn’t want it to get worse for you. 

Ryuji :

Dating Ryuji naturally meant accompanying him on his runs, when he felt like practicing. 

Today was one of those days. You both sat down on a bench as you handed him a water bottle, which he thanked you for before drinking practically half of it. 

Your chest heaved with your breaths, trying to calm down the ache in your body as you took a break. Ryuji was sitting next to you, massaging his leg. 

“You okay?”

He glanced at you upon hearing your question. He flashed you a grin and a thumbs up, reassuring you with a nod. 

“Yeah, no worries! I can keep going. What about you?”

You nodded too. 

“Same here. Just need a short break.”

He hummed in acknowledgement, offering you the water bottle back. You drank a bit, and not long after, you two were back up and running for another lap. 

Really, you probably could’ve gone longer before your injury, and the same was true for him. Still, you two enjoyed doing this together, going at a rhythm that you were both comfortable with. 

[rainydaydally]

You’re like the light of my life

WARNINGS:

Dysphoria

Sexuality crisis

Insecurity

Crying/Kinda a mental breakdown

Jealousy

F-slur

Cartman is homophobic but in a joke way (hes gay)

Unsafe binding (I don’t think you are supposed to swim in a binder, but I’m not sure!)

The Broflovski family is staying in a hotel after camping, and Shiela and Gerald are napping in one bed, and Ike is napping in the other. Kyle, however, is laying next to Ike, wide awake. He takes his mind off of everything, starting to use pinterest on his phone. He gets bored pretty quickly, so he places it next to his head. As he stares at the white ceiling of the hotel, he starts to think. Think about way too much confusing things he cant help but focus on. He thinks about his sexuality, his friends, his looks- *especially* his looks. He sighs, fighting back tears as he grabs his headphones and phone and walks to the bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror, listening to Mac DeMarco, as he feels tears fall from his eyes. He cries and cries, and he moves to sit on the closed toilet lid, knees up to his chest, tears spilling uncontrollably. He takes his phone out to text his friend, Stan.

“Hey. Can you call?”

No reply. “He’s probably busy.” He thinks to himself, setting his phone down. He decides to call Cartman, which even though he hates him, he can still cheer him up with his blunt and annoying comments and jokes. Kyle tries opening up to him about his sexuality, which he has also been really confused about. Cartman just says “F*g.” which causes him and Kyle to burst into a silent laughter, making it funnier that he cant laugh, or he will wake his family. After Kyle angrily hangs up on Cartman after some dumb shit he was saying, he goes and sits against the wall, and continues crying. He wipes his nose and his eyes but the tears never seem to stop coming. He’s just so, so confused. One day he will think he’s AroAce, and the next day he will get butterflies when he sees a cute boy at a store. He feels like everyone around him is getting into stable relationships now, like Stan and Wendy. Oh how he wishes he had a relationship like them, they seem so perfect. Suddenly, his phone lights up. 

“Yeah.” 

It’s Stan. 

“Nevermind.” 

Kyle quickly replies back, he doesn’t want Stan to see him so hysterical.

“Oh, okay.”

“Can I tell you something??”

Kyle texts, instantly regretting his decision.

“Of course.” 

Stan replies. Kyle can almost hear the text in Stan’s voice, as if he was right next to him. Before Kyle knows it, he’s confessing deep, dark secrets to Stan over text. His fingers tapping the letters quickly.

“Okay, so this is stupid. But, I feel like everyone loves someone, or someone loves them. I know we are still young but im just so ugly and unwantable and I feel like I might be Aromantic Asexual, but I’m just so confused because I want a relationship. I really have never had someone have a crush on me because I’m so ugly and I’ve always been the ugly one too, and I feel like I’m nothing. Most of the guys are so handsome, and I really dont fit in compared to the rest of them. When we were on vacation at the beach I just felt so sick and insecure because you guys (not trying to be weird) looked really good in your bathing suits, but I just felt uncomfy and I just didnt fit in with you guys.”

“I can’t believe I just texted Stan that.” He thinks, and Stan seems to be taking hours to respond, even though it’s only been 5 seconds at the maximum.

“You are not ugly, I really don’t think you are ugly.”

Why did Kyle feel a feeling in his stomach when Stan had texted him that? Stan not only said he wasnt ugly, but he said HE really doesn’t think he is. 

“You definitely fit in. We don’t care what you look like. You think you are ugly, but no one is our friend group thinks you are ugly.”

Kyle smiles, “Except Cartman.” He thinks to himself. An other text appears.

“I’m sorry but what does aromantic asexual mean?”

Kyle knew this would happen. Most people don’t know what it means He tries to explain it, hoping Stan will understand what he’s trying to say.

“Thanks so much, Dude. Also, it means like you’re not attracted to anyone and dont wanna have sex with anyone basically. But I’m just not sure yet because I’ve never had a crush where the other person really liked me. I mean, I’ve dated people but it was mostly over text and facetime. We never hugged or kissed or anything. I’m probably just asexual, but sometimes I have a crush on someone and later it goes away.”

Kyle continues.

“And I’ve only kissed two people before, and I know thats two more than most people our age. I just feel really terrible for not feeling anything towards them. I mean, they were both girls, so I could be gay.”

Kyle desperately wants to tell Stan about his dysphoria, how his mother keeps telling him he looks just like her, and that he hates how feminine his body is getting. He does not say a word.

“You do have that rizz. I’ve never really talked to anybody in a romantic way before besides Wendy… and that hot sub we had in 3rd grade.”

“Dude! Gross! Also thanks. I just don’t know if I want it, I guess. I mean, your first kiss is supposed to be magical, but I felt nothing. I didn’t think I’d be kissing a girl in a pool bathroom who never even thought of me romantically.”

It was Bebe. Now she acts like nothing happened, but it did, and she knows it did. She is so perfect and pretty and smart, so why didn’t he like her?

“I wasted it. It sucked.”

“Wow. You never told me that before.” 

Stan replies. Kyle feels bad for not sharing it with him before, but it just never seemed appropriate. 

“Yeah. I’m still friends with her, and I don’t want to seem mean, but I really wasted my first kiss.”

“You know how in the movies their first kiss is like amazing magical stuff? Well, we are weird, crazy teenagers that go through stuff and things do not always go according to plan, and that’s ok. I know you will find a perfect kiss one day.”

Kyle really wants to just text Stan right then and there and tell him everything, that Stan sometimes gives him butterflies, and when the backs of their hands graze he feels his face heat up. He can’t tell him that, though, obviously. He doesn’t want to ruin Stan and Wendy’s relationship over a *maybe* crush.

“Dude, I don’t deserve you, I love you so much. You are way too kind and caring.”

“I love you too, bro.” 

Stan replies. Kyle feels a smile grow on his face.

“Also, I don’t mean to be nosy, but who was your first kiss?”

Kyle was really hoping Stan wouldn’t ask that. 

“She would get mad if I told you.”

Is all Kyle replies with.

“That’s okay.”

Kyle continues with his rant.

“I’m going through so much right now though. I hate being trans so much, I’m so jealous of everyone who isn’t tbh.”

“I’m sorry, I’m glad you are telling me so I can try my best to help you through it.”

Kyle sighs. How can Stan be so kind to him? Like he said before, he really doesn’t deserve to be best friends with such a sweet boy.

“I love you so much, you’re like the light of my life.”

Kyle jokes, smiling while thinking about hanging out with Stan. 

Suddenly, theres a loud knock at the door. “Kyle? Kyle, are you in there?” “Oh shit, it’s mom!” He thinks. “Yeah!” He replies, trying not to have his voice break from the crying that was happening before. “Kyle, we’re going to the pool soon. Ike and Dad already left. Do you want to come? I know you’re uncomfortable at the pool-” “I’ll go. Give me a second, though.” Kyle grumbles, sitting up and wiping his tears with the back of his hand. He would be looking foward to the pool- he really loves to swim- but lately he’s been so uncomfortable going, like his mom said. He hates going because he doesn’t know what to wear, and if he wears his binder with his trunks people give him such weird looks. He changes into the clothes nonetheless and steps outside the bathroom, arms crossing over his chest.

Shiela must have noticed he was insecure, because she went up to him and hugged him. “You are such a wonderful son, Kyle.” Kyle feels his stomach turn as he tries his best to hold back his tears, but they spill out again. Instead this time, he isn’t silent. His sobs are loud as he holds onto his mother. She lets go of the hug and walks him to sit on the edge of the bed together. “Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?” She asks. He shakes his head, wiping his tears. “Can we just stay like this for a while?” He asks. “Of course.”

AO3 Link: You’re like the light of my life

Wattpad Link: You’re like the light of my life

[fabulousest333]

I hope this isnt trauma dumping or sm but i just needed to get this out and also get some advice and i think i really like ur advice. So i have been jn a relationship w my bf for 2 years now and i love him with my heart and soul and we plan to get married ( ee are still young but we see that as the futuregoal) so up tntil a few months back i used to just go to random s*x chat groups and something and would share my nudes nd just stuff like that and would also watch p*rn .. these are both things that me and my bf would a 100% consider cheating and if he did this to me i would kill myself out of sorrow. I absolutely hate myself and am disgusted at myself i was distracted for a little while with my exams but now they are over and now im crying all the time again just thinking about what i did to the boy i love the most. At the time i didnt think much of it and at first i would just talk w people but slowly i started sharing nudes and i did this a couple of times until i realized a few months back how wrong it is. I have no idea how i didnt realise how wrong this is?Up until this i was a really good person i dont think ive ever hurt anybody and i am very nice also but now idk i just hate myself and everything about me .Every day whenever i think aboyt this i cant help but cry and think there really isnt anything else i can do. Of course i have changed and wouldnt think of doing such a thing again but still the fact that i did it in the first place makes me want to die.

Ik its so selfish but i cant keeo thinking that he will do sm like this to me also and that ill get my karma. Does karma really even exist and how do i get myself to atop thinking this now i always suspect him of cheating and talking to other girls. Hes done sm similar to cheating to me but nothing on this level. What he did is nothing ckmpared to what i did.

And in the context of manifesting, should i manifest that none of this ever happened and for me to be a really nice person or shoukd i manifest that this completely gets erased from my memory or what?? This also messes up my manifestion so much i cant helo hut tell myself that i dont deserve good things as im a bad person . Please help. If youre not comfortable answering this then im sorry for wasting ur time

in the future as a boundary I'd prefer to only answer manifestation questions without trauma dumping, so I'll be ignoring any from now on, but it's totally okay as you didn't know ❤️

as for manifestation you can revise, or shift if you'd like! both are easy. revision is changing the past, and all you need to do is say the new story of what happened in your past and the 3d will conform.

as for shifting there's lots of methods you could use, but I'm not an expert so I'd seek advice elsewhere.

and finally telling yourself you're a bad person can't mess up your manifestations, nothing can if you say so. I'd work on your self concept outside of manifestation just to help you feel better about yourself, mistakes are a normal human experience.

personally I don't believe in karma, I'm sure you won't be affected. you can use protection subliminals or spells if it's giving you stress.

good luck!

[yunaanoona]

"Loving you.." Sugawara x reader

Sinopsis - Sugawara Headcanons

Tags - Fluff, A slice of life (suga is life)

Cw - Bad grammars, horrible writing, literally write this in class in my note book because it was boring asf-

Info - N/N (nickname)

•Oo Love~ Ooh loverboy~

•An angel I will say. He is so sweet. Even before you both started dating.

•As friends he is like your wingman for everything. Supportive and cheerful, and he also would constanly give you advice on what's right or if you're doing something's wrong. Even if most of it not really helping

•He tease you alot.

•I feel like, he will be the one who confess first. He knows the chance for you to actually return his feelings is low but deep down he lowkey is still hoping, And plus until when is he gonna keep it hidden? He's in third year already.

•People have told him that he shouldn't turn friendship into relationship because he might lose both, and that does bring his hope down because he doesn't want his feelings to be the cause of your friendship being destroy.

•But Daichi shut those goons up and told suga "I can't promise that they will return your feelings, but there's nothing wrong in trying, and im sure N/N wouldn't do that. So get your head out of your gutter!"

•He tends to joke around alot, and yet sometimes he seems serious. But you know what they said. "The one who smiles alot, have the most scars" [Listen ik he dont have depressing bg story or whtever but shut up ok? ]

•Sugawara keeps alot to himself. Though, do you ever wonder? Suga always seems to care for everyone, wanting what's best for them, helping them, and he always seems fine but.. Is he? He was there to ask "Are you okay..? Do you need anything" but who is the person who will comfort him? Someone who would return the favor.?

•The pressure as the vice captain, the matches, practices, and his feelings..

•As times goes by everything build up, Ever since they're first year, trying their hardest to build the school name again. To make the volleyball team shine once more. The pressure added up.

.

•He almost cry when you said you share the same feelings as him. Wait no- He is crying-

•During that moment he felt a little relief, as if some weight have been lifted up.

"I-Im sorry- I can't help my self" He stuttered through his words as more tears drip down his face.

•You pull him into a hug and try to comfort him as he slowly relax in your embrace-

"NICE SUGA-SANN!!"

"S-Shut up Noya! He will see us-"

•Looking at the bushes, you both saw the 3rd and second years. Tanaka is on the verge of tears and its not because he's happy for suga but-

"THIS IS NOT FAIR SUGA-SAN!!"

[my-castles-crumbling]

dancer anon here

reason for wanting to stay connected to being a girl: i feel good when i present feminine sometimes, I don't know why, while i dont feel like a girl or connected to that at all, i enjoy feeling pretty, and that kinda fuels the "cant not be partially a girl" because i like my feminine attributes (such as my breasts and eyelashes (i really like my eyelashes, they make me feel pretty)) but i tend to like my feminine attributes more when im alone and only /i/ can see myself and think "damn. im pretty today."

ballroom q: i tend to do more follower than leader now but i get to dance with my favorite dance teacher someitmes and shes really nice :D my favorite dance is paso doble (i do more latin ballroom than standard lol, but i do enjoy waltz the most out of standard dances lol (its the first dance i did with leader steps :DD)

correct pronouns: ik that its not really making a big deal to ask, but since im not out to many poeple outside of my friend group. i also dont want to correct my friends because im afraid it will reach someone outside of the group and theyre going to question it because in my school the majority of the students aren't really,,,, allies ig

neopronouns: have considered, didnt fit, so they/them is my go to because it is the one i feel the most comfortable with

confronting my friend: i do sometimes feel like confronting them about it, but its kinda scary because i hate confrontation because of the toxic friend i mentioned, so i dont think im gonna do anything about it (for now maybe?)

trauma: i am 97% sure i dont have any trauma relating to masculine people? however, my memory /is/ actually trash, so i could have just forgotten. the most likely thing that caused the fear would probably be the dance teacher with cold hands, because i hated his classes because they made me feel like dance is an obligation and i have to do everything /correctly/ even though i signed up because i enjoy dance. i also had to dance with him and his hands were cold and i dont like physical touch if im not initiating it (which is kinda why i dont dance with anyone anymore - a combination of physical touch, sweaty hands, and the close proximity. im even scared to dance with the little children i sometimes help dance with, because i dont know if they feel comfortable with physical touch which makes me feel icky)

also its not really something happened to me, its fear of something that /could/ happen (SA, etc)

also i still see that dance teacher around at the studio sometimes. he still scares me, but less? and when i talk to him sometimes, my brain tries to tell me im overexaggerating how much i dislike him, which i may be doing, but he /did/ ruin one of my favorite dances for me, so...

agender label: i do feel comfortable with the agender label, i believe, but ive never really met anyone else using it so i think i ust want to know ppl who also use it

you are also a wonderful human!!!

on another note, i am genuinely in tears thank you, you are so kind <3

Hello again!

So, there's four things I wanna address here:

With the pronouns/friends: Yes, it sounds like it might be a good idea to think more about the pros/cons of this. I still completely think that you deserve the respect of being gendered correctly, but if it's not safe for you to be pushing this,(secrets being shared, an unsupportive space, etc) then it might be a good idea to step back until it is safe to bring it up again. Remember though that you deserve to be supported and loved unconditionally and using your correct pronouns is something that should not be a burden to anyone.

Being agender: Have you considered finding people on here who identify similarly? It could be cool and validating to find a community of people who feel the same way. I know for me it was super exciting to find other nonbinary/genderfluid people.

Being touched: Okay, that makes sense. I definitely get not liking to be touched by people, especially people who give weird sensory input.

Ballroom: Oh, damn Paso Doble? I only know the very basics but it's SO different and cool! Respect <3

Lots of love!

[literalite]

asks

these r all the asks i got last night about the whole aesthetic discussion i'll answer in order of when i got them :p

truth b told if i started simblr like. today and knew nothing about photoshop then i'd probably be pretty demoralised too but also thats exactly how it was starting simblr anyway i just worked on it until i was happy w my skills... no one gave me a cheat code i just put time and effort into it

i agree with u im ngl like i do sincerely wish everyone had the opportunity to put hours and hours of their lives into learning how everything about this works if thats what they truly wanted. also if anything doing it solely by urself will make the process all the more time consuming but if u ask around for help people (including me! im down to help fr) will usually give it to u and that'll speed up the process more. being mad at me for having that is pointless what am i gna do go back in time and unlearn it all and for what? dsfghjk

okay i did see this being said a lot and uhhhh i was trying to understand it but like. i also don't. like ok with cluttered aesthetic build shots or yknow the odd landscape with heavy bloom shader on it i guess if ur looking at it completely from that pov yeah i guess it looks like some posts that "blow up" r just sort of the same shit. but the fact remains that its also it's good shit like anyone can clutter a room and take a photo of it what really counts here in my opinion anyhow is shot composition. and there's literally preestablished rules for this sort of thing u can google cinematography basics and get it for free... there's a whole field of study looking into what draws the human eye. like maybe the core concepts behind what makes a popular post popular is the same but thats because it just works. if u wanna shy away from that entirely but then complain about ur posts not being as popular then that's very much a u problem it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of us

amen these are my ocs wdym these are "sims" LOLLL these are the real people living in my head if i bust my ass making them look good then thats a choice i made

u can call this an empathy problem and try explain it to me more but i dont see how other people feeling insecure about what their current ability scales up to is any fault of mine or my problem to bend backwards to try fix... or even how i could. like is the standard high now yeah honestly it is. the learning curve was steep as hell when i first started as well. no disagreements here. but what am i supposed to do about it LMAO like i didn't create the human proclivity to be drawn to beauty i just ride off of it.

idk why i'm the bad guy for being honest for my reasoning behind what i do and don't reblog? lots of other people have been saying they dont really care about aesthetics which is great but if i said that i'd literally just be lying to you. i'm not gonna apologise for not lying... i like being able to see the passion and energy poured into the same video game we're all playing it's only natural to appreciate that- if that reads as passive aggression and u don't understand my stance that's fine by me

i would say for me personally try watch visual media that u can recognise as "beautiful" and not to shit on like. cw shows but i mean stuff that is marked by its cinematography being truly excellent. and just really examine how those set and lighting designers use angles and lighting and how the people filming and editing choose to frame their shots to achieve what works. hell looking at art helps with this too. look at other people's stuff on simblr analytically try to seriously work out why it appeals to people the way it does. ik u asked for editing tips but i think it really starts ingame you can have the most incredible editing style but it doesn't work if ur shot comp doesn't work then it'll won't hit as hard

take time to learn what most of the adjustment layers do on photoshop, and what all the blending layers look like, download other people's psds and play with them on top of ur shots to see what works! what u personally think looks good will be different from what i personally think looks good, i like dramatic lighting and muted colours and mid level contrast so not too strong but i can't speak for whether you will too. ALSO im a religious user of @/simmerstesia's psd set here i think a well chosen shot can be really elevated by using something like this to really give it that final polish

additionally if u have any like really specific questions or need some advice u can ask me on discord my dms are open like i can talk u thru it. promise it's not as daunting as it can look

[e77y]

relating to that vent, i getchu so bad. i feel like in general, the internet might worsen compulsions & obsession within ocd + etc. i have a similar feeling (wouldnt say identical cause i know u from tumblr n yaknow yaknow) that tells me everything i do needs to be 100% morally correct or [insert awful things] will happen to me or someone i love. and this is easier to deal with when you're offline, because there's a limit on the people that can get mad at you. half of the world won't get mad at you because only 0.00001% (or whatever) of the world knows you, yaknow. on the net, it feels like everyone who has an account knows you. your brain telly you anyone who has an account on here might see what you posted & they might be mad at you & they might make a callout post or whatever. even though they don't know you. which is a terrifying thought for many. i dont think youre alone in this, genuinely. and i feel it can be improved. some stuff that's helped me: - making separate accounts w private stuff (doesnt rly work on tumblr but like a private account on insta & etc etc) - rationalising thoughts (an example of this would be thinking: is it really likely many people will agree with someone being mad at me? or: how many people actually do see my posts? is that proportional to the amount of followers i have) - and talking ab it w friends. genuinely, the communication + processing of these thoughts & feelings is soo helpful. sending u soo much love <3 if u wanna chat a bit ab it you can dm me :) (ask can be published or responded 2 privately, whatever u prefer!)

Thank you so much for this message omg :’) ❤️❤️❤️❤️ So thoughtful. This made me tear up a little haha. I’m posting it here so I can look back at it later; hopefully that’s okay.

I’m really glad to hear other people feel the same way/have the same worry… like logically I know that it’s something a lot of people worry about, but idk; my brain has a way of convincing me I am the only person in the world who has done anything ‘bad’ ever LMAOO. So this was really nice to hear

Also I’m a very talkative person! Like I’m definitely an introvert, but I do like to talk about myself and my interests and my feelings etc. Especially when I have a forum (cough Tumblr) to post into the void 😭😭 So I guess that’s part of my issue; IRL, there are less people to be upset if I do/say something ‘bad’, and most of them are my close friends and know I don’t have bad intentions. But online, I walk on eggshells bc 1) strangers online DON’T know my intentions and 2) I just think my mutuals are really cool lol. So I don’t want to do/say anything ‘bad’ or even embarrassing in their presence yk? And online, their ‘presence’ comprises literally all the time w everything I post

I should probably make a more private account 😅 This one is kind of that (just bc it has far fewer followers than my other blog), and I have one on Instagram with like two people following it that I haven’t touched in a while, sooo maybe I will go back to that for more personal vents and whatnot 🫡 I try not to post anything TOO personal on Tumblr, anyway. I just also really like creating fan content, which sort of inherently puts me in a public space even if I don’t WANT to have an ‘audience’ (regardless of how small that audience is; ik there are people who look up to my writing, and that puts a lot of extra pressure on me, but I don’t want to stop writing, either…. Agh)

Idk this is probably overly personal and also very disjointed bc I just finished writing a 1,800 word essay and my brain is mush lol. I’m just sort of reiterating everything you said. Sorry for making you read all this lmao 😭🙏 But thank you for the kind words, seriously ❤️ I really really appreciate it :’D !!!!!!!

[hinderr]

i miss wren farvo btw do you have like . any lore about him before nature/nurture happened? like what was he like when he was a kid and where did he live and how was his relationship with samirah and who was his buire, etc etc i wanna know 👀

OLLYYYYYYY if there's anyone i can trust to be a wren farvo enjoyer ik it's you fr fr. funnily enough there actually used to be a wren-centric nurture chapter that like, explored exactly his lore lmao. the chapter involved themes I wasn't ready to write about however (like, I realised I wasn't the right person/didnt have enough experience with them) so I scrapped that chapter in the end. i can give you the lore aspects though! (cut off because, long as fuck)

(also this will make sense in the further context of the post, but I didn't feel comfortable putting these links under the readmore lmao)

palestine masterlist by palipunk

fundraiser for Yousef, a photojournalist in Gaza

esims!! they need those!! help them out

basically though the rundown was that; wren was adopted by his buir at a young age, after the Purge (young enough that he doesn't remember his previous life, not that he particularly cares to look). also, Wren doesn't remember this, but he was actually adopted first before Samirah (Samirah was older, and thus ended being the older sister anyway) (Samirah also doesn't bother reminding Wren about this, if only to avoid his gloating)

the two only had the one parent, the sole survivor of the Farvo clan after the Purge. It, obviously, left their parent in...a state. i never went around to properly naming their parent, since in the chapter Wren only ever called them 'Buir'. then again given the fact that they were living with a covert back then, the atriarch of clan Farvo probably didn't give their name out anyway.

oh yeah okay so; in the nature/nurture verse, after the Purge, Din's covert wasn't the only covert out there. survivors splintered off into many, many small coverts, most of them isolated from one another and thinking they were the only ones. at most, one covert would be aware of one other covert that survived (and usually, to the best of their ability, try to merge coverts to reassemble their numbers). each covert had a different approach to making through the galaxy, particularly Wren's covert not instilling the 'dont take your helmet off' rule

the themes that i mentioned the chapter having was basically; what it'd be like, growing up as a child of a dead people, and what it'd be like when your parent is a survivor of a genocide. how that'd affect them, and affect you and your family, and how hard it'd be to connect to a culture and a community that was ripped brutally out of your hands before you could even speak. wren farvo, essentially, grew up in a graveyard, with his parent haunted by the ghosts of a family he never got to meet, mourning for a home he never got to see. that Wren was essentially a genocide survivor himself, and how he'd struggle to come to terms with his identity as a Mandalorian when it seems the entire galaxy wants him dead

then I started writing the chapter, realised how similar it was to the very real Palestinian genocide going on right now, and proper realised the depth and weight and importance of how I was going to convey this story. i tried my best for a couple passages, but eventually though i realised that, as of now, it's better if I just...don't. not yet, at the very least. regrettably Im not the best person to write about this, i just don't know enough, and i wasn't going to take a bite out of something i couldn't chew so, whoops! into the deleted scenes doc they go. maybe one day I'll pick it up again

back to Wren Farvo lore however !! his parent passed in the way many mandalorians pass during those times, having caught off guard and alone by a group of one too many beskar-hungry thieves. it was a pretty dark and awful time for the Farvo clan, but they thankfully had the rest of the covert to keep them going. Samirah became matriarch of the Farvos, and Wren became the lighthearted grounding force that balanced out her seriousness. they kept each other in check, one from sinking into the burdens of responsibility and duty, and the other from a recklessness that would eventually kill him. when Samirah adopted Jeliaya, it only brought them closer together, jeliaya basically being a promise for the clan's continued existence

as this is all happening, wren's covert had managed to meet with Din's old covert (Din himself not being around, still searching for the kid). together, and with Bo-Katan's crew after a while, they banded and started searching for more survivors. the heads of the coverts (+ bo) eventually realised how easily dwarf planets flew under nearly every radar. then they found the dwarf planet where they settled and struck peace with the locals. for about a decade they settled in, digging tunnels of their own and carving out spaces for themselves in the planet itself. Wren stayed close with his sister and his niece the entire time, having no reason to be anywhere else

but being able to live on that dwarf planet, though - being able to walk out in the sun in relative peace definitely did wonders for everyone's mental health. for the first time they had a planet again, however small. Samirah's work thrived, especially when she started communicating with the local doctors. Jeliaya grew healthy and at peace, her safety mostly assured. Wren did...Wren things, helping out everywhere he could

a lot of that involved him being part of the force that stood against the Dark Troopers; Wren was one of the first few that devised defensive plans, figured out their weaknesses, convincing the Armourer(s) that beskar weapons were, against this enemy, quite necessary since it's one of the few materials that can tear through the Dark Trooper's armour (which is why she never made Din melt down his spear in this 'verse. that, and also I'm a beskar-spear enjoyer at heart). one such mission brought him and his sister to this Imperial fort, where they met Din for the first time!!

meeting Din, Wren's first immediate thought is 'woah, this guy's fucked' and after learning that he's still looking for the kid he lost about 7-8 years ago, came up with the nickname "Or'trikar". for the grief that he exuded like a physical aura, and for the tightness of Wren's own chest whenever he so much as looked at him. Wren and Din grew closer, mostly due to Wren being...Wren and generally clingy to the people he's trying to impress. it works on Din, who ended up viewing Wren as a younger brother

Din definitely wouldn't think so, but to the Farvos it's obvious that for that time, Din was practically one of them. An honourary Farvo, if nothing else. he was practically Jeliaya's second uncle, and he came around to the Farvo residence pretty often, thanks to Wren refusing to let the guy stew in his own room and his own or'trikar

about two years pass, and Wren and Din get paired together to find the source of all those Dark Troopers, and to scout out how to cut the production off at its root. they find the biggest, freshest clue they've had in all their years and Wren, antsy and excited, decided to go on a solo hunt to burn off steam instead of going home. Din pointed him in the direction of where he last left the Razor Crest, and Wren found it (neglected, dusty, but still usable; something something, nothing grand, just a means to an end) and used it to fly around for a bit

unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you see it) the tracker that Gideon put on that ship was still there, and still active. Wren ends up being captured and thrown into an Imperial prison, where he meets this strange kid through the vents who insists on calling himself Asset

and then the rest is history

[theotherseapancakes]

i put a CUT HERE thanks tumblr

thinking abt how much it sucks to be disabled and care about the world and its people. i want to do THINGS. I want to help people. "but this is low effort" if youre abled, yeah. "but this is easy! just do thing!" if you don't have seizures and brain damage, yeah. It's just frustrating. Feeling very constantly stressed abt the state of the world rn and ik its self-harmy to be like... constantly looking at stuff i cant do much abt, but i also dont want to put neg stuff on my dash bc if i panic any harder ill be seizing more often... honestly i just really wish my combination of issues wasn't so prevalent as to leave me beyond bedridden half the time. I think about how many artists have had MUCH more time to practice or work. "but you dont work" no, i do. I have to be my own advocate, see doctors, take care of my body, take my meds right, get scans, it never ends. It's so tiring. Being disabled is a different kind of job and i wish more people would acknowledge that. I get a SMALL govt stipend but most of it goes to my bills or food. I live okay enough ofc, but like... I dunno, i feel i'd be less fucked up if i could go for walks but (laughs in american infrastructure being wheelchair unfriendly).

[wanderrlust0]

sorry i wont shut up about this but i feel so conflicted right now!!D; and maybe typing it all out will help???

and I highly suggest to not read this unless you want to be here for an hour reading nonsense LOL

im seeing my bestie friday so im gonna tell her everythinggg and get her opinion on all of this before i see him again in a few days.

i just started to hang out with a "new" friend but it makes my bf uncomfortable and idk what to do about it... and tbh im not going to stop being friends with them:/ ik that sounds kinda shitty on the surface but its like asking me to cut someone off right after getting to know them.

im gonna explain almost all of the context....

okay, so... 2020 was a ruff year. it was covid and quarantine. my mom was super super strict about it. once people began to hang out in small circles bc cdc said it was okay to, while still being careful, i was still not allowed to leave my house. i felt soso isolated and alone and it was def one of my lowest moments. me & my bf were basically in a long distance relationship.. or thats what it felt like. all we had was facetime. he started to hang out with his friend from school more often (i had stuff to say to him about that & its in another post). after a couple of months, my mom finally let us see each other.. but it had to be in my backyard only and we couldn't be close. it was okay at first but after a while we got bored and wanted more. he got impatient and petty about it. i understood where he was coming from but i was trying to be as optimistic as i could, even tho it was hard. its bc even for like the 1-2 hrs i got to see him, it made my day. (my friends were also starting to hangout in their backyards but i never told my mom bc i figured she wouldnt let me go.. but when i told her afterwards, she said she would have..??)

it was getting colder outside which made it harder for us to see each other. it was also just a sucky situation and it was creating some resentment. he wanted to talk with me on ft about it and i knew it would be serious. AND IT WAS. he did most of the talking and it was leading to a breakup. BUT (this is important) he couldnt for the life of him break up with me, let alone say the words.. SO.. he suggested that we do a break. neither of us have done that before but its obvious that it means its temporary and you use that time to figure things out and get some space (we DEFINITELY shouldve been clearer about it). he got emotional and i held mine in. he was saying all these good things about me and how he still wants me in his life and that we can get together again; that we would still talk everyday and be friends. at the time, weve been dating for about a year and a half. right after we hung up i bawled my eyes out and immediately facetimed my best friend in FL.

days go by and me and him are still talking everyday, only in a more friendly, platonic manner. eventually, he starts replying later and later, he turns off his location, and its like i feel forgotten about. im so used to knowing what hes doing that now it feels weird to not know and its hard to adapt to these changes.

I download tinder to find some FRIENDS to talk to (only for girls). he was barely talking to me and i was questioning our friendship relationship (situationship i guess). although i dont remember the details of my profile, i DEF made it clear that i was on there for making friends only. i had no intention of pursuing anyone for a relationship... bc i had my "bf" still. HE clearly went a diff route during our break....too much to unpack there but in the end, it just made him want to come back to me.

So.... Snow (that is their nickname ive given them for tumblr) was one of those people who i chatted with on tinder. theyre female but identify as they/them (i dont think they used those pronouns when we first started talking tho). they msgd first and our convo was actually really long-lasting so we followed each other on IG. (theyre also not the only one i've exchanged IG with so its not like i only gave it to them). Yes, I thought they were pretty when i swiped. sue me. i think many people are pretty. its just me acknowledging when someones aesthetically pleasing. eventually, we talked less and i also went on tinder less. After about a month into me and my bfs break, he begins to talk to me more like he used to. Then he asks if he can see me bc he missed me. Still cant leave my house with him but we hang out and its nice. HE ASKS ME IF I MET ANYONE NEW. i say no and hes like ...really?you sure? I ask him the same and he says no (while breaking eye contact,, literal red flag but i was blindsided). he tells me the truth over FT and that ruined me way more than i let on. (i think he's feeling a similar way now but for diff reasons)

we got back together after and the rest of the year (2021) was super fun. weve now been together for almost 4 1/2 years! since our BREAK NOT BREAKUP (not me @ ing him when he wont even see this) me and snow comment on each others IG posts now and again. for ex, ive said they looked so prettyyy & i would compliment their makeup skills. they would reply in a cute/flattery way. thats how they reply to comments. theyre also very embellished, like with emojis. theyve commented on my pics saying i look cute and hyping me up with compliments as well. it just turned into a natural, mutual thing; idk how else to describe it. its like having an online friend where you only interact thru the comments to show kindness. LOL IDK that sounds corny but yeah. girly things i guess. & then irl its so subdued.

so aside from the comments, we would react to each others stories like once in a blue moon. they posted about watching demon slayer so i said its a good anime. i posted me and my bfs halloween costumes and they said we looked so cute. fast fwd to the end of last yr... we said happy bday to each other and i brought up the idea of possibly hanging out one day if theyre down. so yes, i asked first. they said they would love to and that they were glad i asked bc they were too anxious to ask themselves (mood). im surprised at myself that i even asked but i guess i felt comfortable enough.

(i feel like im writing my own biography omg..) anyways, we get each others numbers and talk about our schedules. we were both very busy so nothing happened. we sporadically made small talk, as one does with their internet friend, over a couple of months. we talked on IG more & also thought about the plans for when we hang out. its now like almost summer and they text me asking if i was free last minute to hang out bc they were gonna be in my town but i was busy.

its now like a month later and i see them at the mall with their friend when i was with my bf. (i already spoke about this so i wont repeat it). after that day, we finally made a day to hang out. bf wasnt happy about it; i tried to reassure him; he saw and still sees them as someone to worry about; he thinks im gonna do something stupid and act out on any fantasies i may have. he knows im bi; he sees snow as someone who looks queer. he thinks that our intentions are to get closer to each other in a way that crosses a friendship.

he saw me listening to a playlist titled sapphic energy. it just consists of songs i enjoy by female artists and ive had that playlist for a long time now. i only edited the title.. but just now i switched it back to what it was before so thats ONE thing "fixed" to make him at ease.

he doesnt believe me when i tell him that my only intention and motive here is to make a good, new friendship. THATS ALL I WANT. AND THATS ALL SNOW WANTS. i can see how it can look like its more from an outside perspective bc of our IG comments but it was not like that in person at all!! it just felt like hanging out with a friend and introducing new things to each other like shows and foods. snow even made it clear that once someone is their friend, they cant see them any other way and that formed to protect their feelings. when we hung out there were literally no signs of feelings or anything that would cross boundaries. i didnt get that feeling i get when i have a crush and lose all my brain cells. by our second hang out we were past any awkwardness and it felt like a regular day out with a friend.

I did look cute that day but i always dress up!!! i dress up like every time i see my bf. i dress up for work. i dress up when im going out with friends. i enjoy fashion and makeup and looking pretty,,

last yr he was using bumble friends and he met up with a guy but they havent hung out since. ive helped him swipe on people before and i was okay with it, except when it was like an attractive girl.. would that be hypocritical of me tho?...idk. we def both get kinda jealous over these things. i can get territorial, like he is mine lol i am his. we would never be open or add a third and the thought of him befriending new females made me nervous. especially after what happened during our break. like idk, that still sticks with me and makes me think of bad feelings..and even more especially now after finding out about what he and his friend did.. but me feeling nervous about that is like what HE is feeling (T-T) I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP AND IT SUCKS. i dont think i catch feelings easily. i dont get butterflies over people easily. im not an openly sexual person.

like. am i being unfair by continuing this friendship? snow doesnt know how he feels about us. idek if its worth telling but im gonna wait till more time passes and see how things go. would him hanging out with us make him feel better?? would it be too weird? he already doesnt like the idea of snow so how would he be in a room with them.

i wanna fast fwd to friday so i can tell my bestie about it and then fast fwd to sunday so i can see him. he is still not back to his usual self when we talk on snap. he tries to save serious confrontations for in person bc he sounds angry thru text so even tho itll make me nervous, i still wanna work this out so it doesnt ruin our relationship.